FIRST DATE PROJECT - GAIL & CHRIS
Gail and Chris sit in a booth at a bar. This is their first "date"
GAIL
Words are important. Don't you think? It's important to be precise, accurate.
CHRIS
I think that's true. Like the difference between lightning and lightning bug.
GAIL
Exactly. Where'd you hear that?
CHRIS
I don't remember.
GAIL
I was an English major for a while.
CHRIS
Just for a while?
GAIL
Until I found out you needed 42 English credits to graduate. I switched to communications.
CHRIS
That must have been interesting.
GAIL
It sucked...bored the shit out of me. We studied shit like the goddam goose in the AFLAC commercials.
CHRIS
Oh, yeah, I love that...I think it was a duck.
GAIL
No, it was a goddam goose.
CHRIS
No. It was a duck.
GAIL
Goose, my man.
CHRIS
I'm pretty sure. I remember reading something about it.
GAIL
It was a goose, alright? It was a mother-fucking goose.
CHRIS
OK. OK. Whatever.
CHRIS
I studied the fucking thing in fucking college. I ought to fucking know.
She finished her drink. Signals for another.
CHRIS
Are you sure you want another drink?
GAIL
Yeah. I'm sure. I am 100 fucking percent sure.
CHRIS
You swear a lot. Huh?
GAIL
Are you my mother? Funny 'cause you don't look like my mother.
CHRIS
OK. I didn't mean anything by that. Just commenting.
GAIL
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and dick.
CHRIS
Right, Carlin, the seven words.
GAIL
The seven words you can never say on TV, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and dick. Funny fucking guy, Carlin.
CHRIS
Right...No, that's not right. There's something wrong. Shit, piss, fuck...
GAIL
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and dick. That's right. The seven nasty words.
CHRIS
No. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt.
GAIL
Cocksucker, motherfucker, dick.
CHRIS
No. That's it. Dick is wrong.
Getting louder and more out of control.
GAIL
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and dick.
CHRIS
No. Dick is wrong. It's not on the list.
Louder
GAIL
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and dick.
CHRIS
No. You can say, dick. You can say, "He's a private dick." It's not dick. It's tits.
She stands up. People in the restaurant are staring at them.
GAIL
I am telling you what it is, asshole: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and dick.
He stands up. They are now both yelling.
CHRIS
Tits. Not dick. Tits. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.
Nose to nose.
GAIL
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and dick.
CHRIS
Tits.
GAIL
Dick.
CHRIS
Tits.
GAIL
Dick.
CHRIS
I am getting out of here. You're a fucking crazy woman.
GAIL
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and dick. Haha. Can't admit when you're wrong, huh? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and dick.
He heads for the door.
CHRIS
Goddam. You need some help.
GAIL
Hahahahahaha.
CHRIS
And it's a duck, not a goose. It's a duck, you crazy alcoholic bitch. It's a fucking duck.
He leaves.
GAIL
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and dick.