The Student Newspaper of Imperial College Issue 1250

Four pages of music for Snowdon. Certainly REFERENCE your delectation. Ooh, more appealing than you'rirnn'ren «*son onnilspoilft Croydon. COLLECTION Page 18 Page 4 Imperial College and Science Museum Libraries Lecturers Get Their Grades During the final weeks of term, the old winter the reasons for the failure in security. This has chestnut of Lecturer Evaluation will rear its prompted the Union to carefully examine its role head once again. While the theory is the same, in the proceedings this year, since a second year the process has now been named SOLE - of failure would perhaps reflect worse on the Student On-Line Evaluation, in an attempt to Union itself rather than College. After lengthy shake off the negative image that LEQs consideration on the subject of security, Andrew (Lecturer Evaluation Questionnaires) managed Smith (Deputy President of Education & to gain during their final round last year. Welfare) and Sen Ganesh (President) decided For those of you who are unaware, the that they were not confident that a repeat per- LEQ/SOLE is a system that allows the students formance of last year would not happen again. to evaluate how their lecturer is doing. The idea Speaking to Felix, Mr. Ganesh said, "We is that any problems with the teaching are then value the importance of student feedback on brought to light in a secure system, which can- the matter of teaching, but do not feel that there not be traced back to the student. has been enough testing for us to put a guaran- While this is, in principle, a good idea, the tee on the system's success." organisation of such a system has always Artist's Impression of our SOLE This will certainly be seen as a 'bad thing' by proved controversial, and last year this came to all those within both the Union and College a head when the system became electronic. which ensured a dramatic drop in confidence responsible for quality of education, but Felix Within hours of the system coming online, it within the student body. believes changing the name will not dispel the was shown to be highly insecure by a group of Last year's failed attempt at a joint system memories of last year's fiasco. Several success- student hackers within College. This had poor between the Union and College led to many ful years will probably be required before confi- implications for the anonymity of the system, accusations of a rushed job which were cited as dence is once again restored. Will DramSoc Disciplined Business promises to get inter- At a meeting earlier this week, They plan to appeal the deci- esting. You have been warned. DramSoc - the society responsible sion, as it is claimed that they for almost all of the lighting, were not given notice that action Ironically, if you were a psy- pyrotechnics and well, just about would be taken were the sub- chopath, you wouldn't worry everything exciting that goes on in stances in question to be about it. American Psycho in the union building - were given an removed. Mr Ganesh claims to Books. official warning, and fined under have made this clear to them on a Union disciplinary regulations. number of occasions, though Simon has been released from The exact details of the offense apparently no formal warning, as his prison, and sets about were not available at the time of such, was ever issued. watching Japanese kids die... going to press, but it is believed This is the latest in a line of that they removed a number of events that seem to be separating Less sports reports than maybe banned and/or hazardous sub- DramSoc and the Union, between Artist's Impression of a Disaster you're used to, but that's stances from the Union building, whom a rift has been forming for becuase you're not writing any! in Beit Quad, without proper pre- a number of months after the We will keep you updated as 29th November 2002 cautions being taken. change in Ents management. the story progresses. Alex

"This'll teach him for being ill..." http://www.union.ic.ac.uk/felix/ * [email protected] 02 NEWS FELIX News In Brief FELIX Rebranding Back Under Way Issue 1250 Since the calling off of the Editor Will Dugdale Merger, College has begun get- Deputy Editor Alisdair Wren ting back to what it was doing Music Sajini Wijetilleka when the whole thing blew up in Nightlife Dom Farrell the first place. The rebranding Tim Jackson has now once again become the Web Jenny Lewis first priority in the Sherfield Books Roz Bulleid Building, and in case you had all International Ed Henley forgotten during the excitement Sports Alex Coby of us becoming 'Imperial College Coffee Break Mike 'n' Jim University College London' Film Simon North (ICUCL) the original plan had Liz Biggs been for us to rebrand to Science Rosie Chandler 'Imperial College London', which Business Jack Hon shortens to 'Imperial' Arts Emily Yeomans The powers that be have decided that IC was not a strik- Felix, Beit Quadrangle, Prince ing enough brand name, and Mikee B. Well, he's one of them... Consort Road, London that the full name of Imperial SW7 2BB College of Science, Technology Mikee B. plays Imperial This is part of the new ents and Medicine was too much of a drive to make the Union more Tel: 020 7594 8072 mouthful. Felix has exclusively learned that accessible, and more of a venue E-mail: [email protected] Evidence of this new brand top DJ Mikee B, from Radio than just somewhere to go for a should be hitting College over One's Dreem Teem will be play- cheap drink. If you would like to Felix is a registered the next few weeks, and will ing a set at the Christmas have your opinion heard, please newspaper: really get under way towards the Carnival which will be on at the contact the ents team on ISSN 1040-0711 beginning of next term. end of this term. [email protected] Will Copyright © Felix 2002 [email protected] We're still looking for departmental and halls correspondents Printed by Witherbys, EC1

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* Subway (203 Carls Court Road) is NOW OPCN FOR SRC A KF AST From 07.30 a.m. weekdays.

* An extra 10% discount (i.e 50% total discount) will be given on all sandwiches purchased by I.C. students before 09.00 a.m. weekdays or 10.00 a.m. Sundays.

GRCAT VALUE HCALTHV, FRCSH FOOD Subway FOR I.C. STUDCNTS Opening Hours €arls Court Rood Monday- 07 .30 -- 23 .45 (Earls Court Tuesday 07 .30 -- 23 .45 Underground Wednesday 07 .30 -- 23 .45 Thursday 07 .30 •- 23 .45 LUorujick Rood 203 €orls Court Rood Friday 07 .30 -- 23 .45 6arls Court London SLU5 9RN Saturday 07 .30 -- 23 .45 exhibition Tel.: 0207-373-7367 Sunday 09 .00 -- 23 .45 Centre Fox.: 0207-373-2548 FELIX COLUMN And Alex Said...

You have to wonder about the consisting of notepad and pencil! Cane on his fields. But a large the hedge, we'll never know, but quality of TV programmes these 3.00pm Changing Tombs strawberry-flavoured platypus at least the family will always be days. Looking at the channels on Historical gameshow in which sprinkles a fine white powder able to remember what he used satellite or cable, it seems you two contestants redesign the last over the little town of Pirtdica, to look like, and the side-splitting can set up your own TV station resting places of the Pharaohs of making everybody really really consequences of that slippery for about fifty pence. With a few Egypt in order to give them a hungry. dog poo! out-of-work actors, I gave it a go. more modern feel. Here's what's on today, peppered 5.00pm Strange Hill 6.00pm Holiday: You Say Where with adverts for Ocean Finance: 4.00pm DOC WON NUT Drama set in a tough inner-city Special version of the holiday Letter-rearranging gameshow comprehensive school that deals programme where viewers tell 11.00am Teleshopping presented by RIDE WHIRLY with the issues relevant to most presenters where to go. In this Could you possibly live without a CHEAT and CRAVE LARD, children today. In this episode, episode, presenter Jamie device for steam-cleaning your MORON. Chubby and Fat Wanker get Theakston visits a minefield in pet rodent? Do you dream that Afghanistan. one day you'll own a telescopic whisky bottle holder? Do you 7.00pm The 1980s House yearn for something to take the TV! The series that transports a mod- stress out of opening packets of ern family back in time contin- crisps? If the answer to any of ues. In this episode, teenager these questions is "no", you must 4.30pm Little Silly Denzil caught by Mrs Dappy having anal Becky is fed up of listening to be completely mad - in which Surreal children's programme sex in the playground, Kris has Bros, while Stuart gets to grips case, you'll definitely want to made in 1967. Supposedly the her head blown off by a rocket, with a BBC Micro. Meanwhile, check out our Sensomatic - creators of this programme were and Pete gets kneecapped. Mary is having trouble with her Guaranteed To Make You Sane high on drugs throughout making shoulder pads. Within 21 Days!® And if you're it, although today they deny all 5.30pm You've Been Maimed! not completely satisfied, you memory of ever working on the Hilarious family video camera 8.00pm Nigella Sucks probably just forgot why the hell show. In this episode, Little Silly footage of all those home acci- Cookery series featuring Nigella you bought it in the first place - Denzil takes his dog Canine dents! Quite why Shirley from Lawson. In this episode Nigella so we'll also send you, absolutely Abyss to see Dee I'Air about his Basildon was filming her hus- makes a cheese sandwich. free, our Boost Your Memory Kit, problems growing the crop Cow band using the chain saw to trim Alex Warren U CINEMA TUE 10TH DEC Red Dragon 18:00 Lilo & Stitch 20:30 28 Days Later 22:15 SlmOne 00:30 Road to Perdition - 02:50 Donnie Darko 05:10 THE ALL NIGHTER

Tickets wiil be on sale at the door from 17:45 that day. Ticket prices are 1 film for £3, 2 films for £5, 3 films for £7 and 4-6 films for £10.

Find Out More www.su.icac.uk/cinema

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College m> ,1 J^^ " 1 w 04 FELIX Snowdon Blue

Snowdonia is the second largest realised I had definitely chosen national park in England and the wrong seat when I found Wales, covering some 2,171 myself getting out every five min- square kilometres of north west utes in order to open a gate. Wales, and including the Eventually we made it onto Carneddau, and Glyderau moun- decent road only to find that the tain ranges as well as the highest bus had lost most of its power. mountain in England and Wales We did a bit of investigation and (1085m/3560ft)- Yr Wyddfa (the decided to carry on, as nothing Tomb in welsh), or Snowdon from too serious seemed to be wrong. which the Park takes its (English) Stopping at the Wheatsheaf in name. This was our destination, Crick we found they no longer and a popular one too. We all served meals, and had to find a arrived at the union on Friday new pub, we were due some luck, night hoping to pile in the bus and thankfully found a nice new and set off for sunny Wales. This pub, which will no doubt become proved a little complicated, as the a fellwanderers classic. The bus bus was blocked in and much continued to play up a bit, but we faffing was required before we made it home before 11, which is could get it out and load it up at pretty good for us lot. the union. Eventually we all piled Another great weekend - in. Enthusiastically I pulled the Thanks to all who partook! passenger door shut thinking we If you're interested in fellwan- were all ready to go. derers then look at our groovy Unfortunately however that car stove for pudding. Sam got the ambled back to the bus in plenty website: door meet Matt's fingers on the fire burning bright.... In fact it of time for the journey home. www.su.ic.ac.uk/fellwanderers way... Matt's fingers appeared to was a bit like a sauna in there! As We left Snowdonia via one of be a bit dented from this experi- per usual a variety of classic the smallest roads imaginable. I ence and so we sought medical Rebecca games and drinking followed help. Thankfully there were no including the cornflake box game, breaks, and Matt was given the imperial ladder game and various other all clear to travel. college tests of strength, balance and stu- So off we pootled, along the car pidity. The climbers had a distinct parks that we English people call advantage in most of these areas, roads. We discovered a new chip- but there were some good efforts py in Daventry, and finally arrived from Sarah and Matt in the corn- at the hut at about 1.30am, at flake box game. which point I walked in on one of After another late night we did the other residents who was ourselves proud by rising yet undressing at that precise again at 7am, and setting off for moment. In the morning we Cnict. Cnict is known as the w if amazed the climbers we were Welsh Matterhorn, because if you dj:bar:food sharing the hut with by rising look at it from just the right angle, promptly at 7am. The weather squinting your eyes a bit, you can looked great so one group set off sort of see the resemblance with up Snowdon, and the other along the real Matterhorn. The weather the Nantle Ridge. The Snowdon was truly glorious - blue sky and chill every group later split as some took the sunshine... you would hardly Crib Goch route and some took a know that we were in Wales at Wednesday and friday shorter route in order to allow all! The climb up had us all pant- time for them to go shopping in ing, but it was well worth it for on the first floor Betws-y-Coed. There were only the amazing views across the of the union building fleeting views from the top of national park. We were particular- Snowdon, but the Nantle ridge ly pleased to see that there was group enjoyed amazing views of still a little bit of cloud on the the mountains and sea, and prac- summit of Snowdon.... it's nice to plus: hot new catering menu ticed a bit off their off path navi- know that even on a clear day you Pani ni Chi ps gation too. are still doomed not to get a view Alex conjured up a wonderful from it. After reaching the summit Chilli Onion Rings of Cnict we descended to an old Spaghetti Bolognaise for dinner, Pizza Mushrooms and we heated apple pies on the slate quarry for lunch and then

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College FELIX 05 Your Letters Nightbus Needs You... Also, a related anecdote: the What the government most cer- ful and positive assistance from leading proponent of the "hoax" tainly should subsidise are real the Rector's office. I would like to bring to the atten- theory, filmmaker Bart Sibrel, con- vocational qualifications (like I'm also wondering if IC catering tion of all students that the union fronted Mr Buzz Aldrin, 72, at a apprenticeships) in partnership might want consider donating the provides a minibus service to take hotel in Beverly Hills. When he with businesses. The students on VAT overcharged since people home from the union on demanded that the astronaut such courses would have a far August/September to charity, I'm Wednesday and Friday nights. The swear on a Bible that he had more valuable qualification at the sure that the Children in Need service is there to enable students walked on the moon, Mr Aldrin end, they would be more employ- appeal is still running. to get home from the union safely opted to punch Mr Sibrel in the able and as they are earning while Jenny Rickerby who otherwise couldn't, for exam- face. learning they won't be saddled ple women by themselves. Made my day! with £20K of debt. It is currently rumoured that the Seb Tallents, Physics UG 3 Damovo-no-no union would like to stop the serv- ice running as a way of cutting Editorial BitchSlap Good points, well made. Thanks. Dear Felix, costs. This is a prime example of After having paid for '24 hour, our union putting penny-pinching Dear Will, un-metered Internet access from before the safety of students - While your editorial probably Students In Diapers Student Connect, I have a slight what would the union do if a stu- wasn't aimed at me, the point complaint - I don't have it, and I dent was attacked on their way about "vocational" degrees is that Dear Felix was wondering if others were suf- home when they would have been they purport to be vocational We raised a lot of money for our fering the same problem. Let me safely dropped at their door by the when they are not. Take a (hope- Charity Week and had lots of fun recount a little tale... minibus. In order to make the fully) hypothetical degree in fruit doing this as mentioned in Beci's The first week at Imperial, after withdrawal of the service less picking. Will it ensure you get a article issue no. 1249 Wye sup signing up, the speeds and relia- obvious there has been little or no job picking fruit? No. Fruit pickers The students at Wye Campus bility were exceptional - I was get- advertisement of its existence already provide on the job train- showed their true colours and ting more than my money's worth. after the first couple of weeks of ing, they will not have had signifi- dressed up in baby ware for our A couple of weeks after that, as term, when a drive to recruit new cant input into the degree course, kids tea party for Children in Need more people signed up and start- staff for the service failed. and they will probably be looking and raised £211.17 ing the service, predictably the The service at present is being run for people to meet physical rather I would like to thank all the stu- speeds decreased, but were per- by a small number of committed than academic requirements. dents who entered into the spirit fectly acceptable. students, and we are always look- Similarly, UK universities now of things and gave generously to a Now: speeds a slug on Prozac ing for more people to help. If you churn out so many people with worthwhile cause. would be ashamed of and a serv- are interested in helping please media studies degrees that there Yours ice as reliable as British Rail. contact Richard Winkle is no correlation at all between Lee When we do have a connection, it ([email protected]) for obtaining such a degree and get- Bars Manager, Wye is almost entirely unusable. more details. ting a job in the media, or even a After contacting Damovo a few Richard Winkle job at all. On the other hand you times the response seems to be 1st Year PG Chemistry do acquire around £20,000 of VAT No More the same; hardware problem, the On behalf of the minibus stewards debt. Yet the government per- engineers are working on it, no suades people to take up such Dear Felix, idea when it'll be fixed, maybe lots degrees on the basis that you will I have some good news for non- of people are using the net, please Moon Safari get a better job, and earn more taught PG students, they can now don't stop paying us. money. use the catering facilities in the This isn't just a isolated case personally i do believe we landed The government should certain- SCR VAT free and I've tried it out either, this is affecting at least all on the moon but if your gonna ly not be subsidising such myself. As long as you present the rest of us here at Fisher Hall, write about the dam subject at degrees, not because it's a waste your IC swipe card at the till your possibly the rest of Evelyn least include the important argue- of public money but because it's a VAT should be automatically Gardens and from what I have ments, or couldn't you think of a waste of the private money that deducted from your bill along with gleaned from the IC Grape Vine reason of why the stars and the main victims of this "egalitari- the 10% IC discount. other halls and residences as well. stripes flag is rippling inthe wind an" fraud pay. This is not intellec- After writing to Felix a few I find it slightly shameful that when the moon has no atmos- tual fascism, physics and other weeks ago about PG students not the company Imperial College of phere, or was it just starched that such courses at universities like IC being able to get VAT relief in the Science, Technology and Medicine way for effect? are truly vocational: At IC you are SCR, I received a response from uses for student net access can't m.diddy not so much taught about physics, catering manager Edward Lilley. even let me check my mail. I you are taught to be a physicist. He apparently knew nothing about would welcome a response from The value of the degree to it, but I'd like to thank him for Damovo, as long as it didn't go Dear Felix, employers (either the government speedily resolving this with some along the lines of the above! Following the science column or the city) is not your ability to till reprogramming. I would also ISE1 at Fisher Hall 'We did go to the moon - honest' real off streams of equations, but like to say that I was a bit disap- (well I never!), I thought I should your ability to solve mathematical pointed that the union president Damovo are aware of the situa- tell you that the NASA did actual- and physical problems. A non lab- did not see fit to respond to my tion, and have assured me it's a ly bother to publish a report con- based physics course would be as query about how to rectify what temporoary problem. They are tradicting the various "conspiracy big a fraud as the media study for was essentially a student issue, also starting a feedback forum in theories". precisely the same reasons. especially when I got such a help- next term's Felix

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After a rather prosaic debut last week, I have decided to inject a dose of time. Now, assume for a second that the U.N. weapon inspectors' trip to inspiration into this obtuse little page. This shall come in the form of... Iraq was all in vain, and Iraq doesn't really have any weapons at all, so something that I am yet to think of. But give it time, I am sure there are no more 'uncertainties'. Then keep your eyes on the per- it will come. So, look out for something more interesting than formance guidance for the coming year given by big companies in watching mold grow next week. December. Finally, dump all your cash into the companies whose Elsewhere, with just one month to go before Christmas, we report doesn't contain the words 'profit warning', 'earnings can start looking forward to a better new year. Hopefully, every- slashed', 'cost cut' or 'headcount'. A year from now, you will be one should start spending lots and lots of money that they don't thanking me. have, lifting the economy out of its gloom. This way, I should With my future career and your money taken care of then, let's stop getting the avalanche of rejection letters from employers Artist impression of shift our attention back to the glamorous job waiting to be done after employers. So, if we could all do our bit, and actually buy economic recovery here. Attention, fellow aspiring writers! Following the deluge of something expensive for your parents this Christmas, I will be response from my plea for business writers last week, I now only just fine. have 3 openings left. Rumour about promises of fame and fortune attached Perhaps if you have twenty or so grand to spare, then here's an idea. The with the job is unfounded, not to mention the hefty remuneration package, recent rally in the U.S and U.K stock markets looks as if it will hold up this So, write in now before it is too late.

This week in the City....

Sainsburys, the supermarket chain has telecommunications operator KPN over a merg- announced plan to expand into non-food prod- er of their respective German operations, it ucts to match the sales growth enjoyed by Tesco emerged. However, talks had stalled when and Asda. Sainsburys will from now on man- MM02 insisted that they were just joking after fl] Moody's: One of a few credit rating agen- afacture its own homewares, cook wares, cloth- all. Analysts are worried that MM02 are getting cies, who provide independent advice and rat- ing and child products. This would get rid of its the idea that they can now hold their own down ing on companies and industries. The credit partnership with manafacturers that have pro- in Germany after finally reporting a postive cash rating given by these rating agencies are often duced its non-food products for the past 2 years. flow[3]. used in analysing companies.

Moody's Investors Serviced] have warned that Coffee Rebuplic is to [2] Underwriting: The act of helping a compa- banks are likely to continue to pursue aggressive sell 13 of its sites for ny issue equity, bonds or other capital raising cost cutting in Europe, which roughly translates £2m to Starbucks, instruments. Anything that cannot be sold are to laying off more workers. As the equity and despite a late £10m bought by the bank that is underwriting the debt underwriting[2] market continues to suffer indicative cash bid issuance. Means a completely different thing in shrinking demand, major banks are likley to size for Coffee Republic the insurance industry. down their operations. The worse hit banks are from Nero's Cafe. the likes of JP Morgan Chase, CSFB, Deutsche Nero's bid would [3] Cash Flow: The flow charting where all the Bank, Drsdner and Commerzbank. Only UBS have given Coffee cash goes, I guess. and Citigroup are well placed to withstand the World Domination Republic sharehold- continued slump in the debt and equity market Continues ers 3p per share, but [4] IPO: Initial Public Offering, which is basi- to avoid further job cuts, err... I mean cost cut- the board rejected cally the first time a company offers its stock to ting. the offer on the grounds that it 'undervauled' the the public. In other words, it lists its stock on true value of Coffee Republic. Considering Coffee the stock market, and the public can then buy The Mill, Britain's pioneer Republic's stock climbed a whopping lp to the them. Makes sense doesn't it? and only Oscar winner in dizzy height of 2.75p, maybe £10m was a bit special effects (for cheap. Gladiator) is to pull out of ing shares at a price range of $7.5 to $8.75. films and concentrate on LVMH Moet Hennesy Louis Vuitton, possibly the The flotation is expected to raise roughly $80m advertising. This would longest company name in the world, is filing a for construction of new fair grounds. This is only leave Britain with no special lawsuit against Morgan Stanley. Morgan Stanley the 4th IPO of the year in Milan, amidst the effect house to rival those of allegedly had a conflict of interest in its research global slump in IPO market, as investors contin- Hollywood. The Mill cited of LVHM, the world's largest luxury goods group. ue to shy away from equity market. that the film industry was According to LVMH, the research was biased End of the road far too volatile and the because of Morgan Stanley's long standing rela- Lastminute.com investment and time needed tionship with their rival Gucci. Morgan Stanley is reports its first ever to do films was preventing it from becoming the to stand by its analysts, claiming that their work quarterly profit of leader in advertising that it strives to be. The is independent and of the highest ethical value. £300,000. That is Mill's portfolio includes both Harry Potter films before a £3.09m to date and advertisements like Vodafone, Fiera de Milano, Europe's 2nd largest trade redundancy charge and Guinness & Levi's. exhibiton centre, announced that it would property costs plus a launch an IP0[4] in December, valuing the com- £6.75m goodwill MM02, the former mobile phone arm of BT pany between £200m to £240m. Up to 50% of charge. All in all then, perhaps it isn't so much group had held merger talks with Dutch Fiera will be sold through issue of new and exist- of a 'profit' then. J. Cow

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Room 6b, East Wing Basement, Beit Quad To secure your place contact Nick Gore today on [email protected] or call ext 4-8097 imperial free mince Pie/ and college union Hot Drink/ available Another service provided by Imperial College Union www./u.ic.ac.uk/c

Do you study Biology, Biochemsitry, Chemistry, Physics, Maths, JMC? Yes?

You are all members of your Departmental Society!

Represent your fellow scientists by standing for elections in the Departmental Societies Committee!

Posts are: Departmental Society Committee Chairperson Departmental Society Committee Treasurer Departmental Society Committee Secretary

If you are interested, e-mail [email protected] or sign the nomination papers on the Notice board outside the Union Dining Hall on the first Floor of the Union Building in Beit Quad. FELIX INTERNATIONAL 09^'^: WorldSoc flS?v&-i k« -flit. J ..^.fr ' *

Where will the Children play? packed out db's focus on that topic. Instead, after a brief history last Thursday, with an almost entirely Muslim M edia and Rel lgion of the Middle East from his point of view, he audience listening to presentations from journal- opened the floor to questions from the audience, ist Yvonne Ridley and a Save a Nation represen- half of whom were of radically differing opinions. tative. Returning from a prayer session, "broth- Not to put too fine a point on it, bedlam ensued, ers" and "sisters" congregated round tables on with the chairs just managing to keep a cap on their respective sides of the room, filling the time things. Semantics, rhetoric, "statistics" and before queuing for food by chatting to their ignoring opponents' inconvenient points neighbours and munching on biscuits. Once abounded from both sides in a bitter match. everyone had finished their rice, spiced stew Incidental to the proceedings, Mr Shamilla's and sweet (all provided by a restaurant and the answer to the eponymous question suggested Malaysian and Pakistani socs) the chair started that European Media may be attempting to the evening with a brief talk from one of the compensate for a colonialist past by supporting Islamic soc's "sisters", before introducing the the perceived underdog. special guest. The BIG bell tolls a week from next Tuesday Ms Ridley did not come across as being at for India, Norway, Mauritius and Indonesia... ease, and gave what I felt to be an over fervent Diary: You might be able to follow the newly interpretation of the present situation in Iraq and formed Latin American society to the Aztec Palestine. This opinion is clearly subjective and Aztec Statues at the Royal Academy exhibition at the Royal academy this evening at debatable, yet I felt slightly vindicated when the 6, though you'll have to buy your own tickets. floor was opened to questions, and many people Mecca were suggested as alternatives to the I'm rather cheesed off to be away for the high- tentatively put forward mild versions of Ms ubiquitous Coke and Pepsi. light of a festival of films by Japanese director Ridley's assertions. The Islamic Relief speaker Israel and the media's guest speaker, the Akira Kurosawa at the ICA. Seven Samurai is (Jehangir Malik?) who followed was a more nat- Times' assistant editor Michael Gove, unfortu- playing for the 27th to the 29th of December, so ural orator, and gave an impassioned plea on nately had to postpone his visit. Fortunately for try to catch it if you're here during the break, or behalf of the Iraqi children, convincingly making Jewish soc, Shimon Shamilla, a representative films such as Rashomon, which are on before. a case for personal and family donations from all of the Betar & Tagar movement attending, had That's enough, since mentioning any more films present. On a very trivial note, the new brands agreed to take his place. As his speciality did not now will lead to academic disaster as I have to of cola from the Middle East, Zam Zam and lie in the media, the talk was not intended to keep up appearances by watching them. Ed FIncus If you are an average British news- of culture and give genuine rea- his ability, sometimes to the point After the Teletubbies, Mr Bean is paper reader these days, you sons to make this your holiday of trying to find a good girl for you. probably the most universal could be forgiven for thinking that destination (will you all please Life in Nigeria can be a blast British TV export. In a similar Nigeria is full of rampaging mobs stop sniggering!) but there isn't and the best time of your life. The vein, and also seen at rerun sea- running around burning down enough space. Instead I shall talk economic situation aside, I can't son the world over is the other buildings while trying to kill beau- about the greatest thing about think of anywhere better to grow man of silence, Benny Hill. ty queens for being beautiful. You Nigeria, the people. up. When you get around Chances are that you'll have would also have heard phrases Nigerians, the general sense of fun seen his antics (Yes you have; such as "second most corrupt and laughter can get you through he's the dirty old man being country in the world" and "pro- almost anything. chased to funny music). If it's duces talented but inconsistent Having said that, you want to be this sort of slap(and tickle)-stick footballers." Well, two out of three careful which Nigerian you hand you're into, you should investi- isn't bad. your wallet to, because when gate the Carry on films. Crude Nigeria has 115 million people, N t g e r i a /y Nigerians turn bad, you do not and saturated with innuendo, most of whom hail from the 3 [of want to be anywhere in the vicini- they're perfect as a counterfoil to 350! Ed] main tribes, the Yoruba, ty. Hence the news headlines that anything with pretensions. You'll ' 'Cages' Hausa and Igbo (in the west, north generally say: "Don't ever think of catch them on TV as the time for and east respectively); all neatly going near Nigeria, ever" old favourites (and chestnuts) divided by two rivers, the Niger I say it's the kind of place that draws near. Men Behaving and the Benue. Enough facts, let's To meet a Nigerian is to find a makes you believe in God, the only Badly is a more recent series, in talk about why Nigeria's great. good thing: a good Nigerian friend way you'll truly survive. Find out a similar vein, which may throw some light upon contemporary There is great diversity all across will be loyal; a good Nigerian mum for yourself: find a Nigerian, latch British culture, at least on the Nigeria, with each tribal and eth- will stuff you full of food (and good onto them and discover what heavy drinking part. Ask any nic group having a distinct identity stuff it is too, no fish and chips); a makes this nation a place brim- paid up member of "lad" culture and language, making it seem like good Nigerian aunt will smother ming with potential. to expound upon this series, or many countries within one. This you with affection and advice, just Wait for the day we get our foot- better, to show you some - diversity accounts for a lot of what don't get on her bad side!!! A ballers sorted out, that World Cup they're likely to oblige as it is makes Nigeria good. I could start good Nigerian Dad will make sure is just waiting to have our name very popular. Cholmondely to expound on the absolute wealth you are taken care of to the best of on it! Oluwatosin Ajayi

[email protected] For British and International students at IC imperial college union

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Come and have your say about the Wednesday and Fridav Nights at the Union

Tues 10/12/02 12:30pm Seminar room 2, 3rd floor union building

Fast talk, hard sell and chance encounters. How much faith can we put in other people?

7.30pm - 4th to 7th December - Electrical Engineering Room 509 Presented by ICU DramSoc - http://www.dramsoc.org/tender/ Unsuitable for anyone under the age of 14.

TENDER :>eSS2§l. A Play by Abi Morgan union FELIX SCIENCE 11 James Bond: Sex, suave ... and science Did you know that two-fifths of the Earth's release too much of a chemical called unstable and decays to mercury within a few population has seen a Bond movie, in the 40 dopamine into their brain. This chemical days. years since Dr No was released? And in that controls motivation and excessive amounts Then consider Ernst Blofeld's plan in "On time he has killed 150 people and had sex makes the person thrive on seeking out Her Majesty's Secret Service," to render all with 44 women. The latter statistic is quite excitement. Instead of running away from lifeforms infertile with the "Omega virus". impressive considering that 48 year-old danger they are more prepared to take risks. Viruses such as the mumps can lead to male Men have been shown to be higher risk tak- ers than women, because they think that bravery makes them more attractive. So what about Bond's gadgets? How many of them would actually work? Take the x-ray glasses he wore in "The World is not Enough," to see concealed weapons that peo- ple were carrying. X-rays are normally used in medical imaging and in airport security to view bones or metal objects. The machines that produce the x-rays are considerably larg- er than a pair of glasses and require the sub- ject to stand still for a few seconds. What about the underwater breather that Bond used in "Thunderball," that allowed him to breathe for about 4 minutes? Currently the smallest breather is about the X-ray specs - real or fantasy? size of a drinks can, holds half a litre of air Flying Bond? and lasts for about two minutes. So unfortu- Pierce Brosnan (or 56 year-old Roger Moore, nately, James, your device is impossible. sterility and the herpes virus can cause infer- as he was in his last Bond role) would prob- How about the jet pack that Bond wore in tility in many mammals. There are also virus- ably require 12-24 hours to recover between "Thunderball," to fly over a high wall? Well es that can cause sterility in plants. Blofeld's orgasms. this pack is real and was developed by the plan to create a single virus that will cause Bond's signature drink, a vodka-martini - US army and releases high pressure nitrogen all animals and plants to be sterile is, how- shaken but not stirred - is vodka and dry gas to lift a person over 9 metres. ever, a bit ambitious because viruses rely on vermouth shaken up to add bubbles. This Unfortunately it can only work for 30 sec- the make-up of their 'host' to survive. makes the drink less oily than if it was onds and so was scrapped. So my conclusion is that there are realisitic stirred. According to scientists at the univer- Finally, how realistic are the master plans things in Bond films, but most of the gadgets sity of Western Ontario, shaking a martini of the Bond villans? Take Auric Goldfinger's and villanous plans are, at the moment, fan- can reduce the risk of cataracts, strokes and plan to make the US gold reserves at Fort tasy. This does not stop them from being heart disease, because it increases the Knox radioactive by dropping an atomic great films though... antioxidant activity in the drink. bomb on them. This would actually have the For more information see bbc.co.uk/sci- People like Bond have been shown to have effect of turning the gold into mercury ence or visit the James Bond exhibition at a "thrill seeking gene" that causes them to because the radioactive form of gold is very the Science Museum. IC Scientist Profiles #2 Professor Sir Derek Barton (1918 -1998)

Professor in military intelligence during the steriods depended on their shape After retiring from Imperial in Derek Second World War, he rejoined and position, and changed the 1978, Barton became the direc- Barton was Imperial College as a lecturer in way chemists thought about how tor of the Natural Products born in Kent physical chemistry. shape related to the reactivity of Institute, in France, where he and gradu- Barton's work on steroid iso- molecules. studied the chemistry of radi- ated with a mers during th 1940's was to Barton also developed an inno- cals. In 1986 he moved to Texas BSc in earn him, and Norwegian vative way to synthesise the A&M University where he contin- Chemistry chemist Odd Hassel, the Nobel steroid hormone aldosterone by a ued to work in radical chemistry from Imperial College in 1940 Prize in Chemistry in 1969. This process he pioneered which is and on the oxidation of hydrocar- and got his PhD, also from work showed chemists how the now known as the Barton bons. Imperial, in 1942. After working reactivity of functional groups in Reaction. Rosie Chandler [email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College Student On-line Evaluation

Visitimperial.ac.uk/sole

OrolleSe wide ^ FELIX WEBSITE REVIEWS 13 cispiiig-0 border-0"tr«td align-rigbt vah'p-bottoir-a href :/|||google.corinigoogfccoi^inig ssnWhnagestosOn . rder-0 widfh-I heiglrt-58Ha^ldHiLj|aJjp-bolloin"a hr ef-http ://«vw w.ya ogle.c om img src-/iiages/resl.gd tor der-0 width-38 height-S8 alt-"""MiMil valign-hattom^-a bri align-right valip-tap class-ti"li>8ntep;«/li"/td>4d valip-top-a hrel-httpJ/www.pogle.comHing src-/images/res3.gif border inbspr/tonMldHtrHtable-'/tdHd nowrapHont size-Ha lu'eHadvanced_seartli?q-iiisitrreviewsllhl-eii8li-Sie-IITP8>Adva] 111J wsBhl-enGlr-Sie-UTF 8»PrBferences-=/a>Snlisp;Snhsn:Snhsp;8nhspra hreI-/laiipaBeJools?q-welisite*reviews81il-enGlr-8ie-UTF8»Laiipafle form Bin gs method GET action tareliHnpit tijpo hidden name hi value-"eii"="= input tgpe-IilrJden name-lr value-"">'Uipul tgpe-hhiden name-io value H"«iipt type-text name-g size-31 maxlength sto-h -input type-submit name-btnG vahie-"Google Searcti"»-=span New swap shop outs Edmunds

Wicked! I know that the Waterstones on site sell off those unwanted textbooks. I know I've has a second hand section but I can never find got quite a few biochemistry books to offload what I am looking for, then once you have and I could certainly do with the cash. Just decided to buy the damn thing new anyway it think all that money wasted on text books turns up. Or does that only happen to me? Well could now be put to proper use in the nearest this site should lower my blood pressure pub. (something better had or I am headed for a Registering is really easy, you can make a list major heart failure) because there are quite a of textbooks that you want and they will inform few books on here that other students have fin- you when someone wants to sell it. This is not ished with. an auction site like ebay but you do deal direct- I know that there are are already at least five ly with the other students once you have made students in Imperial who know of this place your selection. because they are trying to sell books - unfortu- All in all this is easy and darn useful, I'm nately not the ones I want, but hey, I'll let you sure it is done elsewhere but this is a really off. Obviously this site can only get better the good site that makes the searching and selling revoir to Amazon and spend you pennies here more people who use it so go and register and really easy. So say goodbye to Waterstones, au - the more the merrier.

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Useless useful knowledge Term of the Week: Artificial Intelligence Ok, I have a confession to make, I was a little swayed by the really funky jump thing that the Apparently there is more to this than making logo does on this site, but it is a pretty good a robot who loves his mummy. The term was site all the same. This web site does the obvi- first used in 1956, I didn't think they even ous, provides lots of really cool quizzes. There 1 knew what a computer was then. are enough puzzles here to entertain even the It means making computers behave like most intelligent person for hours. For the less humans and includes programming them to intelligent (like myself) they provide the play chess, make decisions (like diagnosis answers as well. systems for doctors), understand 'natural There are 17 categories of quizzes and 8 language', react to aural and visual stimuli types of puzzle each with loads of riddles, and ultimately mimic the brain by making conundra and brain teasers to occupy your jeasr- .#» physical 'neural' connections. time. There are two types of programming lan- However, I'm afraid I must apologise for guage in common usage for A.I., these are picking another time waster site, because I Ahhh, nooo, don't eat me, I don't taste nice, called LISP and Prolog. don't know about you but I don't have vast I taste of pickled onions and mango chutney amounts of time to waste. The only annoying thing about this site is the adverts but I sur- vived, even though it really is one of my pet Quick stop website From the dotlVleister hates, so I'm sure you will. Most certainly the weirdest thing about this http://www.bma.org.uk/ap.nsf/Content/LIBOur Another week gone another week closer to site is the silly survey, tell me, which is greas- All Action Webcam exams, arrrrrrrrrggghhhhh! It is because of ier Lenny or Squiggy? Yeah that's what I Be amazed, be wowed by the fantastic, bril- this that I felt the need to earn some more thought, must be an American thing. Some of liant all action webcam at the BMA library. alcohol vouchers by selling textbooks. the scientific explanations may leave a little to Yes, my friends, the BMA has dragged it's Hmmm not convinced that this is the best be desired (like an explanation), for example, library up to date with the technological revo- way to get a degree but nevermind. the very simplified definition for electricity is "it lution by setting up a web cam and broad- Cool quizzes is a stunning way to waste is so basic, that it defies explanation, and is casting it over the internet. Updated every valuable revision time. If all else fails you Mother Nature's way of saying "Because I said sixty seconds, the suspense is incredible, could always approach the robotics depart- so!". Now I don't know much about electricity waiting to see the latest developments down ment (do we have one?) to implant an artifi- but I'm not sure that "because I said so" is a at that hive of activity in Tavistock Square. cial intelligence chip. It could work but you valid explanation, my mother tried that one for However, I have to confess I haven't actually may end up all alone in a forest with a scary years and I didn't believe it when I was five. seen anyone in it yet, but I'll keep looking. teddy bear crying for your mummy, so be careful. Jenny www.CDalquiz.com [email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College 707*80? v? Di/co in w

41/ n/ghf in the Paradise Bar: Discounted jugs of cocktails and soft red or dry white wine £9is Qvf«W 8:00-2:00am (Bar'til 1am) <^_3

Friday Night Out £1.50 Union/£2.00 Guests/£1.00 P2P Supported by Free before 8pm/After 8pm individual entry charges apply Imperial College Union, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road FELIX BOOK REVIEWS 15

Hello there my innocent little ones. This week's theme for your education and enlightenment is Evilness and it comes in as many fantastic flavours as my big bag of sweets. First we've got a book about a true master of nastiness - American Psycho. / know this was written when some of you were mere babies and you've all seen the film, but frankly the film made me laugh. The book is much more dark and disturbing and deserves to be read. If you fancy a bit of DIY evil then we've also got a review of I was a Teenage Dominatrix with practical hints and tips for paying your way through college. Don't say I don't do anything for you. Interestingly, it was much easier to get someone to review this book than any other. Maybe you'll see a theme appearing in the future.... Roz American Psycho I y Bret Easton Ellis handsome and has a successful extremes of human existence: As murder follows murder, and job on Wall Street. He is also a compassionless, vain and empty brutality and viciousness builds, self-confessed psychopath. In - there is little for the reader to Ellis never lets the reader leave BRET Patrick Bateman's mind, style find sympathetic in Bateman. the table; whenever you feel that EASTON ELLIS and substance are one and the But Bateman's insecurities about you have had enough, the deli- same. His vulture's gaze picks his status and his looks make ciousness of Ellis' deathly dark out designer cuff-links, exclusive him a tangible human being, humour convinces you to take restaurants, the newest must- almost understandable - we just one more bite - and then Sickeningly compelling from have electronic gadgets and, of aren't even consoled by the another and another. Then, when start to finish, Bret Easton Ellis' course, "hardbodies". The thought that he is anything less he has made you comfortable most famous and most lauded threads of Ellis' prose weave in than human. But don't trust again, with Titus-like pleasure novel is one of those reads that all of these things and, before what Bateman says too much. Ellis reminds you exactly what it can not be forgotten easily; our long, you are woven in too - an Everything he tells the reader is you are eating. world is shown to us through the accomplice, a voyeur. teeters on the edge of reality: the And so, as Bateman eviscer- mind of Patrick Bateman - a The real genius of Ellis lies in video-nasty murders, the action ates and decapitates, we come world of big money, misogyny his ability to create characters movie escape from the police. to realise: there is no escape. and casual murder. that can be totally believable Remember: this is his story and Picador; ISBN: 033049189X Patrick Bateman is young, despite them living at the this is his mind. Patrick Hoar

Mi u\ \ \ i i \ .1 I was a Teenage Dominatrix Shawna Kenney

it. Maybe I'm just bitter because ful flirtation with exotic dancing banal. Indeed, it shows a certain Shawna Kenney made a living precedes a party where she amount of skill to produce such from being a mouthy, moody, realises her dom tendencies. The an uninspiring book from such bitch whereas I do it for nothing. rest of the book meanders its potentially juicy subject matter. Still, I'm not convinced. way through the underground The fact that the book was Beginning with the obligatory world of the sex industry, with voted 'most likely to be banned' 'I was happy despite being a Shawna, under her new guise of by independent publishers in the poor/ugly/fat/tom-boyish child', Mistress Alexis, recounting tales US unfortunately appears to say I don't know about you, but ver- the introduction to / Was a of interesting punters, bizarre more about the conservatism of bally abusing nappy-wearing Teenage Dominatrix describes requests and the obligatory the States rather than the nature men whilst forcing them to do how, too poor to have lessons, spilling of a disturbing variety of of the book. Still, it makes a the hoovering constitutes a fairly Shawna decides to learn how to body fluids. mildly amusing read, the kind of typical Friday night. Okay, I do swim by throwing herself in the Despite its interesting subject, thing you want when you're des- exaggerate slightly (often my deep end. Fortunately for the lit- / Was a Teenage Dominatrix (like perately trying to put off an boyfriends drew the line at erary world, Shawna doesn't our neighbourhood postman) assignment. Personally, I'd put housework) but my point is that drown but I think the lack of oxy- simply fails to deliver. Pitched the £5.99 towards a new PVC while 'dominatrix' may not be gen to her head for the few sec- someone between Sweet Valley dog leash; you never know when the most common entry on onds she was submerged High and Topsy and Tim Go it'll come in handy. someone's CV, I'm not sure that, explains a lot. Starting college, Whoring, Kenney tries to be con- in this case, it necessarily merits Shawna searches for a decently troversial and shocking but sim- Corgi Adult; ISBN: 0552150258 an entire book to be dedicated to paid job. A brief and unsuccess- ply comes across schmaltzy and Chrissie Giles

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College FELIX

VERBAL MACHINATIDNS FROM THE EDITDRS...

Ha! I've managed to wrest editorial control teatime of the movie year at the moment. and enjoy another issue - and please take from the indomitable Liz for a week! Little worthwhile seeing that we haven't note of two things - one, the IC Cinema all Whatever stories she's been giving you as rea- already reviewed, hence the dearth of first- nighter is nearly upon us and they are show- sons for my absence are all lies - I've been class material that you're all used to. But do ing some first class material and two, they're locked in a stationary cupboard in the Felix we let a little problem like that stop us? Hell showing Donnie Darko and 28 Days Later offices for a fortnight, living on a diet of sta- no! I've spent a pleasant weekend trawling back to back on the 12th December so do ples and HB pencils while Ms Biggs has rid- through a pile of DVD's and have chosen yourselves a favour and get tickets! Si den roughshod over the Film pages. The cad. some choice numbers to tear to shreds as Anyhoo, we are entering the long-dark well as one to praise above all. So sit back Bloody blagging students. Liz

famous people around us. We met the brilliant DIE ANOTHER DAY Judi Dench, the absolutely gorgeous Rosamund STARRING: PIERCE BROSNAN, Pike, the evil Toby Stephens, the legendary HALLE BERRY Roger Moore, the stunning Katy Hill, the very DIRECTED BY: LEE TAMAHORI tall Darius and beefy Ross Kemp to name but a CERTIFICATE: 1 2A few. Unfortunately Halle Berry and Pierce RUNNING TIME: 1 3 2 MINS Brosnan left just as we arrived as they had to jet RELEASE DATE: DUT Now off to the USA premiere. So what about the film then? Well the Bond Blag - (Verb) The art of using any method pos- phenomenon is quite bizarre... if a restaurant sible, such as lying, flirting, bribing or sneaking, served only one, single meal, then the cus- in order to make personal gain. The gain may Flying Vanquish... tomers probably wouldn't come back. But be a desirable object or entry to an exclusive somehow with Bond this works.... Perhaps it's event. have any tickets. Bugger. I met up with some because the recipe calls for: dozens of shiny What did you do on the night of Monday friends and took to hassling anyone remotely gadgets, beautiful cars, even more beautiful 18th? Watch the telly? Do a bit of integration? important looking for any spare tickets. I even ladies, a bad guy with a penchant for sharing Eat a cucumber sandwich? A group of had a quick chat with Richard E Grant to little his plans long before they're implemented & Southwell students are never going to forget avail. Suddenly a press team appeared, and we killing his enemies in long drawn methods with their amazing night out. Thanks to a lot of luck, tried befriending them, again with little success. plenty of escape paths, and a dash of the the determination, cunningness and sheer lying we By now we were freezing cold and about to give most suave secret agent ever. did something a bit different...we spent the up and go home. But then the press team re- Die Another Die is a great film that doesn't night at the James Bond Premiere and After- appeared, their work done. In a very charitable fiddle with the standard Bond theme too much. Show Party! mood, they gave us their press passes and told There are some new ingredients; we get to see It all started at 3pm when a group of us us to act like we worked for the Daily Mail... Bond actually losing for once, amazing ice car decided to go up to the Albert Hall and start 3 minutes later, Simon Hooks, Laura Griffiths chases and fight scenes, so the film is definite- queuing for the evening's events. There were and I (Laura P couldn't come in 'cos she looked ly entertaining. My only complaints are a few 600 seats available to the public outside, next like a scruff!) had made it through the outer dodgy special effects, the sheer number of bad to the red carpet to watch the stars arrive. After gates to the press area, then onwards to the puns and the fact that the bad guy's henchmen 2 Vz very long, cold hours (including a mobile main party marquee. The first security guard still can't shoot straight... pizza delivery - cheers Alex!) we were finally led nodded a greeting, and then... stuck. The secu- round to our seats. We had a perfect view, but rity team on the door was only allowing people nothing could prepare us for what was about to in with tickets. We didn't have any. I tried flash- happen. Foxy from Capital FM was running a ing my premiere tickets but they weren't having competition live on air to win the final pair of any of it. I persisted - I'd got this far and I was- tickets to the premiere. Call it luck or just shout- n't going to leave easily. Spinning some elabo- ing the loudest but I won them! Legs shaking, rate story about how some mystery security phone ringing like mad from jealous people call- guard had taken our tickets, I kept lying through ing, Laura Parkinson (my lucky guest) and I my teeth. A senior door person was called over made our way through security and into the and a small debate ensued. After a while she Albert Hall. You simply cannot believe how looked me in the eye as if to call my bluff, her weird it was walking around the corridors see- look saying "I think you're a lying little monkey," ing so many famous people. Everywhere we then she calmly said "That's fine," and let us turned there was someone new to gawp at. We through. all took to our seats, stood for the Queen and Unbelievable! We were in the James Bond King of The Blag (well done sir!) got introduced to the main cast members. Now After-Show party! The party was *amazing*! showtime...believe me it's very weird being in a The whole place was decorated like the ice Loads of Imperial students tried to blag their cinema and giving a round of applause after palace in the film, with ice sculptures, water- way in that night, some got escorted off by every major scene or entrance. But it's definite- falls, laser effects and an indescribable atmos- police (no names mentioned!), but only we ly an experience worth living for! The film is phere. We swanned around the place drinking were successful! So there you have it ladies and absolutely amazing, but more on that later.... Bollinger all night, with the occasional Vodka gentlemen, a new record has been set for the So the film finished to the sound of yet more Martini, shaken not stirred of course, all com- best blag of the year. I challenge you to beat it. applause and the crowds made their way out- pliments of the house! Think you can? Then let us know... Keep an eye side. The exclusive after-show party was being Throughout the night we mingled with, chat- in Felix for updates.... held across the road in Hyde Park, but I didn't ted to, photographed and stared in awe at the Dan Wilson [email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College FELIX FILM 17

K-1 9: THE WIDDWMAKER and the crapness starts to seep in. As stories go, it's quite an effective one, centred on a true STARRING: HARRISON FORD, story of the ill-fated voyage of the Soviet "super- Ll AM NEESDN, sub" during the height of the Cold War. The JOHN SHRAPNEL effects, while not being anywhere near as good

DIRECTED BY: KATHRYN BIGELOW as those in U-571 (I love the depth-charge CERTIFICATE: 1 2 sequence in that movie - great for tuning sub- RUNNING TIME: 1 3B MINS woofers), are good and the soundtrack is quite RELEASE DATE: OUT Now stirring. But the dodgy Russian accents, the cliche-ridden script and the general stodginess It looks pretty good on paper doesn't it? A sub- of the movie drags this particular fish down into marine movie made by Americans that glorifies the depths of film dross. Where it belongs, the Soviets. Ford and Neeson starring, Point frankly. The worst Harrison Ford movie I've ever Break and Strange Days director Bigelow seen (yes, that includes Sabrina) and only real- onboard (sic) and a very smart sounding title. ly appealing to the die-hard Submariner. Unfortunately that's where the goodness ends Snowball fight anyone? Si

Pal version) and this one fails to hold a torch to THE TIME MACHINE them despite boasting a great lead in Pearce, STARRING: GUY PEARCE, direction by Wells' great-grandson and a huge MARK ADDY effects budget. The plot begins promisingly and DIRECTED BY: SIMON WELLS the movie looks fantastic, but the minute that CERTIFICATE: PG Pearce travels forwards in time it rapidly becomes RUNNING TIME: 95 MINS a confusing sequence of events that bear all the RELEASE DATE: DUT NOW ON DVD signs of a rush job. It's as if Wells Jr. lost interest half way through and decided to get the thing done so he could meet Ms Mumba down the pub Recent special effects driven re-adaptation of the for a swift half. Which is a shame because it classic H. G. Wells tale of time-travel and looked promising. I mean, 95 minutes for The Morlocks. I enjoyed this movie for the first half-an- Time Machine? Ah well. The DVD extras are aver- hour or so, but was then gutted to find it totally age at best, with a promising (but disappointing) losing its way from then onwards. I've seen a few commentary from Wells and not much else. They of the previous movies based on the book (there could have at least sprung for a seance to contact have been many, most notably the 1960 George H.G. and ask for his opinion... Si Morlocks just LOVE fire.

School, Model Behaviour and Temptation BATTLE RPYALE IC CINEMA Island I thought it was time to teach you the

STARRING: TATSUYA FUJIWARA, proper meaning of reality TV. Sort of. Picture TUESDAY 3RD DECEMBER AKI MAEDA, TARO the scene - an idyllic island somewhere miles 1 B:OD - DNE HOUR PHOTO YAMAMOTO away from civilisation. A country (Japan) with 2D: 1 5 - REIGN OF FIRE DIRECTED BY: K IN Jl FUKASAKU an over-population problem. Put two and two CERTIFICATE: 1 B together and if you come up with 7.9 then THURSDAY 5TH DECEMBER RUNNING TIME: 1 1 4 MINS you'll have sussed the solution - take classes 1 B:DD - REIGN OF FIRE RELEASE DATE: DUT NOW ON DVD of school children to the island, give them a 2D:15 - DNE HOUR PHOTO selection of weaponry and the last girl or boy

standing wins the right to become a member THE CINEMA IS ON THE SECDND of society. FLOOR OF THE UNION DIRECTLY Oh yes, this is one sick film - but it is much ABOVE THE MAIN OFFICE. more too. In amongst the violence (which I would rate as "ultra" grade brutality by the TICKETS (AS ALWAYS) ARE £3 way) there are some great moments of EACH, OR £5 FOR BOTH FILMS teenage anguish as well as some touching scenes - particularly in the special edition WHAT TO WATCH... (which has the extra scenes spliced into the

feature). An odd movie, but for any Japanese ...AT THE MOVIES: DIE ANOTHER movie fan or Horror aficionado, a must see. It DAY (DUT NOW, 1 2A) even includes the staple "Makes No Sense"

ending, which in my book is the mark of a ...DN TV: THERE'S SOMETHING truly classic Japanese film - I have enjoyed ABOUT MARY (FRIDAY 29TH many a Manga movie and am yet to under- NOVEMBER, ITV1, 2 1 :GG) Don't worry - they don't stay alive for very stand the final message. long Apparently there will be a re-release of ...ON SKY: MISS CONGENIALITY Fukasaku's earlier work on DVD soon - none (SATURDAY 3DTH NOVEMBER, SKY I virtually guarantee that at least seventy-five of which I have seen (apart from Tora! Tora! PREMIERE, 2D:DG) percent of you won't have heard of this one! Tora!) but on the strength of this piece I'll def-

Well, in this time of Popstars (The Rivals), initely be taking a look. ...ON DVD: BATTLE RDYALE SE Celebrity Big Brother, Fame Academy, Fight Si (OUT NDW, 1 B) [email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College 18 MUSIC REVIEWS FELIX ITOuim & Singles, 1 Suede 4/5 Singles A New Morning Young Heart Attack - Tommy I'm going to award this taster of 'A Technically, I shouldn't like this Shots New Morning' 4/5, despite it album; I find myself distracted by making me cringe repeatedly. a beautiful melody, or an engulf- Imagine if "Tell Me More" (that The main cause of the frequent ing harmony. I don't mind "Astro annoying tune from Grease: The wincings are the lyrics. Girl"s, 'A strange experience is Musical (Argh!)) were sung by a True: as far as most bands are starting, between her molecules seventies glam metal band, concerned, it's best not to listen and me', simply because I'm lost with Noddy from Slade as the too hard to the lyrics, but these in the strings, being propelled male vocalist. Now decide are especially cliched in both sub- along by a bouncy bass riff. whether that's good, novel, feel- ject, technique and content. The songs presented here are good or annoying. You can cer- Apart from "Obsessions", not for the noisy complainers of tainly twist to it. which is truly hideous, I am pre- indie; nor are they for the happy This is kinda cool seventies pared to forgive this album for its clappy pre-pubescent pop mar- retro - ie. nothing like The flaws. ket. I'd like to bet that your mum Strokes or The Libertines. It's What we have here, is a prime would like these songs, but I pretty fast paced and doesn't let cut of chart-friendly, feel-good, wouldn't start to throw derogato- up for the duration of the cd. I glam-pop; amply demonstrated ry acronyms -such as AOR and have no idea what the bloke is by the opener, "Positivity". Happy MOR - at them just yet. singing (cf. Noddy from Slade), guitar riffs, happy drumming, Harmonic, melodic, slightly but he wears me out; it's some- happy bass-lines, happy every- embarrassing, and engulfing. thing about drugs, I think. thing. Matt So, if you're in a good mood, and you like grated vocals, and 20th Century Boy, this cd'll pump you full of energy and Foo Fighters 5/5 drag you up onto your feet. If you listen to it more that once One By One (on consecutive occasions), or if you're in a bad mood, you'll Music Felix's resident domina- outing since their debut. The probably scream, "Shut the trix presents to you, the mighty compelling pop hooks (three per f**k up!" at your stereo, before Foo Fighters! song, on average), FM accessi- taking some deep breaths to Three albums down the line, bility, and headbanging potential calm you down. lambasted heavily for the last are all present. But Grohl and Exhausting, in some sort of one's mellowed, passionless, his three cohorts deliver them in way. non-Foo sentiments, the most a punchier, frequently darker famous rock star in the world, style. 3/5 Matt Dave Grohl, and his merry men There are love songs, in the decided that things were going main, but on the likes of 'Low' Amerie (featuring Ludacris) - to get better. he endows them with a moodier, Why Don't We Fall In Love Working with the heavier more oppressive edge. It's hard QOTSA, and drumming for to imagine the Queens beating OK, so I was highly sceptical David Bowie, helped him to Grohl's inherent niceness out of when the editor passed me this gain the passion and vitality the him, but they've certainly taught single and asked me to review it Foos once had, they got things him how to rough up his edges. - not my cup of tea, thought I. right, and have come back big- The listener is still drenched in The track starts with a 'gangsta ger and bolder than ever before! melody while listening to the crap' intra but actually pans out At some point in his absurdly Foos record, and rightly, I hope, to be a pleasure to listen to. busy 2002, Dave Grohl man- this won't change. Even with the Amerie has a stunning voice, aged to record his fourth album snarling lead track, 'All My Life' the melodies in this song are with the Foos. Twice. When the there is tune held within every pleasant to the ear and, aside first effort was deemed too growling holler. You still have to from Ludacris's attempt at input glossy, Grohl bunked off on tour sing along to it all. The vocals into this single, it makes for with the marvellous Queens on 'Have It AN' there is a long- very nice music. Worth a listen and, on his return, bashed off ing; a pleading in his voice that as I think Amerie does this song 'One By One' Take Two in dou- seems refreshing because it's proud. Shame about Ludacris ble-quick time. genuine. Then in 'Times Like though... It shows, in the best possible These' the vocal are less sung ways. 'One By One' is a rawer, and seem sharper and more gristlier album than any Foos direct. Class! Sajini

[email protected] 'Earth to Matilda' FELIX MUSIC REVIEWS ^TOums & Singles, Sigur Ros 3/5 Singles 0 vega4 - Drifting Away The band from Iceland, who sing in this or 'Agaetis Byrjun', I'm afraid it Violently EP their own personal language, are would be the latter every time. back with a new album. In the vein Having said all this, it is still a This strange mix of a band of so many bands (Radiohead) it stunning collection of songs that (apparently all 4 members seems that they are trying to be give you the feeling that you have come from various far flung slightly more experimental with left planet earth, and have at least reaches of the Commonwealth) their music in each progressive made a pit stop on the outer rims of are one of the latest signings to album, and I'm concerned that they the solar system, where comets Taste Media (famous for being may already have reached their freeze to the sound of heavily dis- the home of Muse). This EP peak with the previous one. This torted guitars, and planets quake contains four tracks that made album has therefore succeeded in with full orchestral swell. me feel chuffed that there may leaving the listener with some If you liked the last album, you actually be an alternative to ali mind-blowing tracks, and some will probably enjoy this one, and I the pop rubbish in the charts that seem fit to be from the sound- would advise you that it is worth these days. track of the latest M Night the price for several of the songs Most of you reading this will Shyamalan movie. alone. If you haven't heard these remember how massive The ethereal wailings of the lead guys before, go out and get 'Agaetis Radiohead were in 1997 and singer are still very much at the Byrjun', and then, if you like them, when the Verve's 'Urban forefront of the musical style, and go back out and get ( ). But, even Hymns' was top of the charts. the low-keyboards and moaning after listening to it four or five times, This album takes elements of (violin bowed) guitars still provide it hasn't got the raw surrealism and these styles and moulds it into you with the atmospheric qualities bewitching mood that grabbed me something of their own. vega4 that you have come to expect from when I first heard 'Svefn-G-Englar', have taken the pace of this band, but somehow it all and I'm concerned that while this is Radiohead's guitar riffs and sounds very much like they're doing a great album to listen to when dropped the depression and all this because they feel they have 'relaxing', these guys may already teenage angst from the lyrics. to do something 'different'. Perhaps be on the way back down from They've replaced this with they really are on a spiritual journey, what must have been a fantastic euphoric, anthemic lyrics and but given the choice of listening to trip. Will | a somewhat cheerier approach to the whole music-writing thing. The title track is a bit livelier than the other tracks, David Bowie 4/5 which are more along the lines of modern day ballads sung The Best Of with a bit of welly. Also being compared to Led ease, combining classic Bowie (if through the albums is smoother Zep and Fugazi at this embry- one could coin such a phrase from with all tracks being of a similar onic stage in their career, this a man of so many faces and sound quality. band has lots of potential and sounds) such as 'Space Oddity' There are few surprises here but we will probably see them go and 'Life on Mars' with some of also no notable absences, so for down the road of proving the best collaborations around, diehard Bowie fans, whilst there themselves to be enigmatic like 'Under Pressure' with Queen, will be little new here for you, it is performers with real vigour. and 'Dancing in The Street' with a good collection to own, and real- The single 'Drifting Away Mick Jagger to name but two. ly takes you through the highlights Violently' is out on 9th (Will and Gareth, you could stand of his whole career. Although ini- December and they'll be tour- to learn a thing or two here). tially sceptical about what a re- ing the UK at the start of that Highlights for me personally hash of every hit put together month. The intensity of this include 'Starman', 'John I'm Only could gain, especially after a num- band's music jumps out at you With an astounding career span- Dancing' (a lesser known gem) ber of 'Best of and Singles when you have your first listen ning four decades, how anyone and 'Absolute Beginners', the Collections have already been to their songs and I would def- can claim to put 'the best of David beauty of this compilation is that released, this album really is initely recommend all those Bowie' all on one double album is everyone can and will have their something special. For those new dispossessed indie-rock kids beyond me, however this would own favourites. to the phenomena that is David out there to get a load of this be my only criticism of this excel- All tracks are digitally remas- Bowie (if such a concept is possi- and restore your faith in the lent compilation. tered, and although I'm not sure ble), curious, or never really had music industry. With a little something for Ziggy Stardust will ever be the the opportunity to experience his everyone, the two CDs soar same without that good old LP music, this album really is a good 5/5 Katherine through his 25 or so albums with crackle, the chronological move place to start. Katy

[email protected] Dave Grohl speaks in Felix - don't hold your breath! MUSIC REVIEWS FELIX Live Re" w —~* The Vines 3/5 3CR Shepherd's Bush Empire, November 2nd It's Feet First at Camden Palace It's Sunday night, the place is dence, combining upbeat progres- Outkast's 'Miss Jackson' is haunt- and the teeny-boppers are out packed and I'm feeling a little old. sive rock with disquieting lyrics ingly melancholic; an upbeat rap- in their hordes. As the clock It seems the majority of The about isolation, fear and loss. per's brag transformed into a des- strikes twelve, 3 Colours Red Vines' fans really shouldn't be out With hints of New Order and perate plea for forgiveness. step on stage to rock the Palace this late, especially before a Flaming Lips, the new material The rest of the set is devoted to to the ground. school night. Which is a shame - sounds edgier live and contrasts the band's quieter side, with the They are the band once labelled the band's appeal shouldn't be nicely with the anticipated riot of epic sounds of 'Autumn Shade' "hotter than Oasis" - responsi- limited to angst-ridden teenagers. the Aussie boys' main set. and 'Mary Jane' filling the venue ble for such hits as 'Beautiful When they get it right, The Vines Formed through a mutual with soaring guitars and ethereal Day' and 'Sixty Mile Smile'. are a great live act. But before hatred of working at McDonalds, vocals. It is with these songs, 3CR retreated from the world of getting to them, there's the small The Vines spent their first gigs however, that the band's perform- rock in 1999 due to the usual matter of two support acts... doing Nirvana covers at wedding ance falters. "musical differences," but today First are The Bandits; six receptions, and these early influ- Shameless use of the reverb they're back with a vengeance. Scousers doing a passable ences provide the essence of their pedal and tedious Floyd-esque Currently talking to several impression of The Coral, blended garage rock. solos cause even the die-hard labels about their future and with the Mersey beatpop of The Kicking off their set with killer teenagers to become restless. about to begin a European tour La's. The Bandits run a club night first single 'Highly Evolved', a 90- They want noise. Big dirty slabs in December, guitarist Pete that showcases upcoming local second rush of mammoth riffs of it. Vuckovic seems rather enthusi- talent. Appropriately called the and shredded vocal chords, Craig Judging by the quantity of astic about their next step for- Bandwagon, it typifies the glut of Nicholls' stage presence is pre- drinks being thrown at the stage, ward. "The new stuff's com- sound-alike bands in Liverpool at dictably manic. Meanwhile, The Vines oblige not a moment pletely different but there's the moment, and The Bandits are bassist Patrick Matthews and too soon, returning to form with a still some of the old influences no exception. Tonight they fail to drummer Dave Olliffe are res- frenzied encore of the instantly in there - people seem to enjoy inspire, lacking the originality of olutely deadpan. likeable 'Ain't No Room', which it." their psychedelic compadres. With little banter between brings about a state of euphoria The youthful crowd at the Next up: the riff-driven indie songs, The Vines are happy to let amongst the acne'd masses. And Palace seem to agree as the rock of Nada Surf, New York vet- the music do the talking, rattling me too, for it's at their most out- moshing heads and sporadic erans plugging their latest album through crowd-pleasers rageous that The Vines' live per- crowd-surfers create a welcom- Let Go. No strangers to the live 'Outtathaway' and 'Get Free' with formance excels. ing atmosphere. After the per- scene, the band play with confi- cavalier cool, whilst their cover of Tom Bell formance, the band compare tonight's reception with past experiences: "Yeah I've been here twice before, this is the Jesse Malin+Ryan Adams 4/5 third time. I didn't actually enjoy the first two years but Royal Festival Hall, 11th November tonight was... good. You hear about these gigs where there's Tonight the audience at the Royal and Ryan Adams: he plays beauti- huge performance with an about like six people at the front and Festival Hall of London is quite ful pop songs telling stories about two-hour set: no band, just him everyone else is at the bar. No, unusual. Not known to embrace life in NY. on stage and his songs. If some- tonight was great." the populist, the Hungerford Not used to playing in this kind one doubted about the talent of Trying to dig for the real reasons Bridge Hall is full with people of venue, he is not afraid at all: Ryan Adams "one of the most of the group's "split" three years wearing jeans and T-shirts. This talking with the audience, pre- revered songwriter-performers of ago is near impossible as Monday, pop replaces classical in senting the next songs, Jesse his generation", he proved at the Vuckovic cleverly skirts over the 'Royal' venue of South Bank. Malin impresses by his audacity. I London gig the contrary. He per- more personal details. He appears hurt by the music busi- Ryan Adams is the producer of didn't know him a lot, just reading forms songs of his albums 'Gold' ness. His opinion of those who his debut album 'The Fine Art of good review of his album in Uncut and 'Demolition'. Forgetting the decide the fate of all in the Self Destruction', Ryan Adams Magazine (new album of the overproduced album versions, he music scene is critically brutal: plays the guitar on this album, so month in November but I rarely enjoys the audience of SE1 with it was obvious that Jesse Malin feel such emotions for a first part pure emotive songs. "Big record labels just don't know how to manufacture rock would support Ryan Adams on his of a concert. Usually, you just go A fan of both Oasis and The bands - they have no knowl- solo tour throughout Europe. to the bar for a beer, talk with your Rolling Stones, he gives his own edge or contact with the gener- Alone on stage with only an friend waiting for the main band. versions of 'Wonderwall' and al public. Bands like Led acoustic guitar, Jesse Malin begins But the venue was quiet, listening 'Brown Sugar'. Zeppelin sold thousands of his show in front of an audience to Jesse Malin as he was the main In conclusion, a very good con- albums without releasing one who doesn't know this young guy performer. If you like songwriters, cert, which was not unexpected single. from New York. you have to see him in December because of the singers, and the The first thing that I feel, is the at the Spitz, you won't regret it! classical atmosphere in the venue. (Continued on Page 21) similarity between Jesse Malin After this, Ryan Adams made a Mike i

[email protected] Have you made your Christmas list yet? FELIX MUSIC REVIEWS

Released and Deleted 3CR

In recent times, music fans have single because of the collector's have both benefited, it could be come across an odd craze by their value. Once a piece of music no argued that another factor was the (continued from Page 20) beloved bands. To wit: A deluge of longer becomes available, it main cause of their success: - If you're not U2 or Mariah single releases by the likes of The means that the copies that have Price. (Admittedly, both were also Carey, you haven't got a Vines, White Stripes, Datsuns, been bought will go up in value, songs of the highest class) chance." Garbage and Electric Soft Parade leaving the buyers with a collec- Both went on sale at £1 as The apathy of today's youth that have been 'Released and tor's item in their mitts: It would opposed to £2-3. ESP were baffled is on the minds of 3CR as talk deleted on the same day;' which appear that this has as much to do when 'Silent To The Dark' went in turns to world events since has baffled many fans who have with psychology as actually liking at #23 priced at £1 but the fol- September 11th. Obviously not asked 'What's the difference the music, since these releases low-up at £3 scraped in at #39. fans of America taking over the between this and 'limited edition' often fetch up to £10 on websites. More serious music fans tend to world "Bush scares me. His singles?' As with any marketing ploy, shun singles in favour of albums eyes are too close together," The difference is that the record there are downsides. As great as because they are cheaper when Vuckovic later confesses, they companies themselves specify The Music's debut album is, some compared with the amount you seem frustrated with the how many limited edition singles fans would argue that if you stuck pay for each track. You would nation's attitude towards cur- are printed (For example:3,000 all the tracks from their 4 EPs onto think that if all singles were £1 rent affairs: "People are more copies) and once they've sold out, one CD, then you'd have en even then there would be no problem, bothered with their own lives. then there are no more copies. better one. However, new converts but actually the record companies They'd rather look through OK With deleted on the same day sin- to the band will not be able to generally lose money when releas- magazine and be like, "Oo, gles, it's up to the record shops to make their own judgement, since ing singles due to the cost of pro- there's Robbie Williams." place a pre-order on however all of them have been deleted, motion for very little profits on many copies they want to stock, leaving them having to try and pay each single. The main point of sin- People just don't care. up until the day of release when highly for copies from the shops, gles is to promote the album that Although 3CR blatantly do care, they will no longer be able to order or make do with grubby recordings they're from, which is a bigger they have other worries on their any more. from the internet. money-spinner for all concerned. plate; the writing and recording This means that the onus is on However, the big question for However, fans are already begin- of their latest album being one the record shops to decide how the bands is: Does this tactic actu- ning to wear thin of this ruse. The of them. However, it would well the single will sell and the ally work? The answer would latest ploy coming into effect is the seem they don't have to go usual record shop ethos is not to appear to be, it depends who you one-week only release. Both Turin through it alone with some disappoint the customer and so, in are. All of the above acts charted Brakes and U2 and doing this with unusual friends offering their accordance with normal practice, in the 20s, with their singles, single and album respectively, but help. As the discussion of the they will over-stock the single to which is probably what they would this would appear to be pretty inef- latest Manics revival arises, make sure they don't sell out too have expected anyway. fective if you're trying to increase Vuckovic cleverly lets their quickly. This has the result of the Although The Manics got to #1, your audience as it means new acquaintance slip. "Actually his single acquiring more shelf space it has to be said that they would fans won't be able to hear their (James Dean Bradfield's) gui- then it may have done otherwise, have probably done so anyway material. tar is at my house for the which will lead to further purchas- with a single that wasn't going to It looks like until singles become moment," he smiles, "just es by casual music buyers. be on an album and so would be permanently cheaper, the charts while we record this album." It will also result in fans who the fans' only chance of hearing it will continue to be as rotten as Always nice to have friends in may already have the album (or (Until the Greatest Hits album, ever. high places. intend to purchase it) to buy the natch). Although Doves and BDB Deepesh

p SINGLE OF THE WEEK - | I The Streets - Don't Mug -| Matthew Get Down to Talk... I Yourself

Through the power of the inter- up listening to everything - Duran I agree with the banning of the Described by Mike Skinner net, lead singer Brian McSweeney Duran, Madonna, gospel music, crowd surfing in Britain - its shit. as ' the lairiest track on the took some time out to fill us in. Neil Diamond, Aha, Julian It's not what the music is about. album', 'Don't Mug Yourself 'I chose the name Matthew Lennon... Go to a show to listen to music; was recorded after a drunk- because I wanted a person's My favourite album so far of take out physical aggression en night out. Over catchy name. I think it gives the band this year is the new Sigur Ros. It somewhere else. bass beats, Mike Skinner and the music a more personal just came out on the 28th, and As far as the age restriction, if emcees about the discus- feel.' it's amazing. you mean a restriction on who sion between him and his I would classify our music as Other than that - Massive gets in to the show I think that's mates over what to do 'passionate, honest rock music'. Attack, 'Mezzanine' never leaves shit too. about a girl. Complete with Paul Kolderie, Radiohead's my stereo. I'm still going to be going to funny lyrics reminiscent of producer for 'The Bends' was Both small gigs and festivals doing loud shows when I'm 75. life, this is a great track. amazing to work with. He pushed are great fun to play, as long as MATTHEW'S debut album, us and brought things out in us we can connect with the people "Everybody Down" is out now on 4/5 Priya that were special I think. I grew there. Rykodisc. Keira

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College NIGHTLIFE FELIX NightLife

J1

H UPLIFTING EUPHORIA ROOM > eve Pearce, John Fleming, The Mar]

1^ EXTREME EUPHORIA ROOM > \ Lisa Lashes, Tidy Boys, Dean Peters BEST OF EUPHORIA ROOM > The Man Adam, Anthony Dean, Simon W

!*? V.I.P ROOM > Darren Pearce, Electric Tease

I Heaven, Under The Arches, Villiers Street, London Price: £12 Advance Tickets, More On The Door Time: 10 pm - 06am Free CD for the first 500 tickets sold

j£ K E TlYIMfJ c'8700600'100 i www ticH

lnfo>QS707 45

Editorial Prologue The Top 10

Friday @ Felix Nightlife Saturday @ The Cross Monthly @ Felix Nightlife

Well people, we've come to that time of year With the Cross the party starts when you're in December when all serious clubbers are (or should be) the queue, since one DJ booth is in the lounge 1. Euphoria @ Heaven, 6th starting to think about what to do for New as you walk in it feels like he's dropping beats Dave Pearce, Lisa Lashes, Tidy Boys, John '00' Fleming Years Eve. While some people object to the next to you, treating the crowd to unrelenting commercialisation and larger cost of NYE we almost jazz-like house to put you into the party 2. 7th Birthday Party @ The End, 7th personally think that the increased party mood. Mr C, Layo+Bushwacka, Peppermint Jam atmosphere and general sense of euphoria is Following the biggest sound in the smallest worth the money. New Year parties are nor- room philosophy were Bar De Lune, playing a 3. Dusted @ Pacha, 7th mally quite large, and we like it large. relentlessly tough, addictive, intestine-shaking ATFC, Rob Marmott, Femi Fern However, if you disagree but still want a tribal marathon. This room kept it hard all decent New Year why not skip NYE and go for night long letting others cater for the lighter 4. Peach Goes Hard @ Camden Palace, 21st a party on New Years Day, several of the big tastes. Anne Savage, Lisa Lashes, Pele clubs are doing daytime parties on NYD for the Bar De Lune were the genuine surprise but cost of a normal night and they promise to be Parks and Wilson were the highlight. They 5. Fabriclive @ Fabric, 13th just as good as anything else going on in the delivered in style with a more haunting set Audio Bullys, Scratch Perverts, Stanton Warriors capital. So why not give yourself a change, than you'd have expected from their Essential save some money and delay the inevitable Mix. But if all the dancing and sweaty bodies 6. Knowwhere @ Soundshaft, 27th hangover for an extra day. get a bit much you can always go and cool off Ian Betts, Anthony Dean, Frank MacCarthy For those who can't wait for that morning in the open air terrace before you hit the floor after feeling and want to do a traditional NYE again. Ultimately, the Bar boys made the entry 7. Heat @ Brixton Academy, 31st there's always a massive choice across the price worth it, with P and W the icing on the tbc entire spectrum of genres. We've included cake. some of the ones we think will be best in this When they're back next month, try out the 8. Smartie Partie @ Glasshouse, 31st months Top 10, a new feature whereby each Bar first of all, as long as you want your house Sharp Boys, Carlos Francisco, Lee Tristram month we'll point out what we think will be the hard and unrelenting. best 10 nights of the coming month, keep an Kenneth Henry + Peter Taylor 9. Ministry of Sound @ The Dome, 31st eye on it and use it as your guide. Judge Jules, Maurio Picooto, Dave Pearce, Groove We would also like to take this opportunity Saturday 7th December Armada to make another plea for reviews. If any of you have been somewhere recently that's blown Anthony Pappa, Ian Ossia 6hr b2b 10. Fevah @ Ministry of Sound, 1st Jan you away, send in a review and we'll stick it in. Paul Glazby Matt Clarke, Raymondo, Jon Walford We would especially like to hear from anybody 10pm - 6am who went up to the NEC for Gatecrashers' big If you think that we've criminally missed some- end of summer party recently. There must be £15 thing out of this list, ah well. Why don't you go some of you, we know it was amazing, tell us along and then write us a review of it. You about it, email The Cross,27-31 York Way, Nl know the address by now: [email protected] www. the-cross.co.uk Tim and Dom [email protected]

[email protected] The power to kill a yak from 200 yards. FELIX NIGHTLIFE NightLife

Torture Garden Halloween Party Competition

@ Club Colloseum

'Due to venue licensing no exposed genitalia'. Disco and Electroclash and provided a good Oooooh, you lucky, lucky people. Thanks to the This sign, displayed in various prominent break from the pounding of the main arena. gorgeous people at The Cross we have two locations around Torture Garden's new home, The 'voodoo' lounge area, was playing a tickets to give away to Prologue at The Cross Colloseum in Vauxhall, does tell you quite a lot mixture of lounge, swing and rock'n'roll, but on the 7th December. about the club itself, most people attending with a definite TG edge to it from David TG If you don't know anything about Prologue, have far fewer inhibitions than your average and Gimme-A-Fix, which lead to a particularly well you damn well should. If you've managed clubber. But there are a number of quite clear surreal atmosphere. to get this far through the issue you really rules that must be obeyed for the club to con- Finally there is the Dungeon area, which should have noticed the review by Kenneth tinue to function and to keep having the huge while not as dungeon-like as the same area at and Peter on the opposite page. If not, read it amount of success that it has enjoyed over the Mass (the previous venue) is still fully now, we can wait... read it? Sounds excellent, past eleven and a half years. equipped with a wide range of harnesses, doesn't it. These rules are really very simple: first and frames and the like for those wishing to play. Now that your appetite has been whet you foremost harassment of any kind is not tolerat- TG is obviously not for everyone, but it does should run to the nearest computer and enter ed, and will be dealt with severely: you are have one of the friendliest, non-threatening our amazing competition. Come on, it means hence far less likely to receive unwelcome atmospheres of any club of its kind,and indeed you don't have to pay to get into a club, that's physical advances here than you are, for of any that I have heard of. You really don't a free night (apart from drinks obviously). The example, on an average Wednesday night at need to enjoy S&M to have a good time, but only other way you can get free nights around Hombres (shiver). don't go if you have a problem with seeing it in here is to join the reviewing team at Felix, Secondly, you must make an effort with your action. which we seriously recommend that you do, or outfit: street wear and regular clubwear are not Alex C you could just send in reviews of places you've permitted, dressing up is the key, but there been. Please. does tend to be an emphasis on rubber, Anyway, the question: leather, PVC and corsetry. You don't need to be Fetish Bazarr @ Purple Turtle seriously into Fetishism of any kind to enjoy Every Sunday Name any other regular night at The Cross TG, you just have to be open minded and non- 12 - 6pm except Prologue. judgmental. It also helps if you enjoy hard Free entry house. Mornington Crescent tube Send your entries to [email protected] There are five areas to TG, which are fairly (along with any reviews you care to send in) well separated throughout the club. The music Seed Sessions @ Purple Turtle before Tuesday 3rd December including your in the club arena varies from breakbeat to hard Every Sunday name and contact telephone number so we house with residents James Schaeffer and 6pm - midnight can let you know if you are the lucky winner. Allen TG, and one or two guest DJs. The qual- Free entry Don't worry, none of this information will ity of DJing is, to be fair, often suspect, and Non fetish, same music policy leave the Felix offices. tonight was no exception, but this didn't stop Mornington Crescent tube the crowd from loving it. Remember, anything you want to send in The other dance floor was in the electron- www.torturegarden.com ique boutique, where Eyeball Licker, Pandora's [email protected] Jukebox and Erol Alkan played eclectic Nu- Tim and Dom

[email protected] ..with mind bullets! COFFEE BREAK FELIX

GFQQ NK II by Bobby Cyclops & Dr Hot Fudge THE GREAT FELIX QUOTES QUIZ

THE QUOTES RAJ

1. "May I have the pleasure of your name, before I have you run There are some sick, twisted people at IC (and that's just the staff). Take through?" contestant Anthony Jude Rodrigues for example. Each week he treats us to paragraphs of wanton pseudoerotic prose, so this issue we decided to 2. "A chastity belt! That's really going to chafe my willy!" share with you some of his words of wisdom - here is what he had to say about researching the answers to CB 1248 Boy Band 'Special' 3. "Girl, you look so good, someone ought to put you on a plate and (unabridged): sop you up with a biscuit!" "...getting information from a schoolgirl is not a particularly easy task. 4. "That piece of scum-barking rat of yours has just taken his last But I would liken the process to juicing a lemon dump on my lawn. I find one more - just one - and I'm going to you impale the lemon on the "juicer" catch him and staple his ass shut!" grip lemon firmly as you squeeze it "screw" the lemon on the juicer; I find you get more "juice" if you use 5. "I could shoot you from Stuttgart und still create zee proper effect." a slow and steady speed, though you may wish to end with some fren- zied action. 6. "I just gotta know: After 600 years, how's that dick workin', pretty Afterwards, you may sample the "liquid", even though you may not good?" be too fond of the taste. You may even suck the flesh of the lemon, squeezing it between your lips, in attempt to coax more "liquid" out of 7. "This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off, waiting to it..after several hours of "deep probing", these are the answers I worship a rat." obtained from my girls..." B.C.

8. "I got mind control over Deebo. When he say shut up - I be quiet. Hmm...yes. H.F. But when he leave, I be talking again."

9. "You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in his- tory."

10. "Look, I know I must look weird to you but how do you think you look to me? Listen, I watched four episodes of "Lassie" before I fig- CUT k BLOW DRY ured out why the little hairy kid never spoke." BY OUR TOP STYLISTS ANSWERS TO GFQQ 1240 £20 LADIES

1. Jack Swigert/Kevin Bacon - Apollo 13 £17 MEN Normal Price £35 2. Girl in disco - Saturday Night Fever ACCESS VISA MASTERCARD CASH CHEQUES 3. Damon Killian/Richard Dawson - The Running Man

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11. Landlady/Lin Shaye - Kingpin [email protected] The Great Felix Quotes Quiz FELIX COFFEE BREAK 25 |§|§ [

(iFLtt (THE 1 w ONE)

THE GREAT FELIX LYRICS QUIZ

LEADER BOARDS THE LYRICS

GFQQ GFLQ 1. "You're a juvenile success because your face is a mess. So how could they know? I said, how could they know?" Name Score Name Score Luke McManus 56 Geoff Lay 76.5 2. "Fuck the damn creationists, those bunch of dumb-ass bitches, JMC4 Coalition 51.5 Luke McManus 70 every time I think of them my trigger finger itches. They want to Richard Hutchinson 51 Anthony Jude Rodrigues* 67 have their bullshit, taught in public class, Stephen J. Gould should Chris Ince 51 Chris Ince 66.5 put his foot right up their ass." Geoff Lay 51 Jennifer Williams 65.5 Alexander Plato 50 JMC4 Coalition 65 3. "I'm the cream of the crop, I rise to the top, I never eat a pig cause 50D 49.5 50D 64.5 a pig is a cop." Fred Marquis 49.5 Ongar Rd Massif 63.5 Christopher Dent 48.5 Christopher Dent 63.5 4. "There she stood in the street, smilin' from her head to her feet." Jennifer Williams 47.5 Richard Hutchinson 62.5 Ongar Rd Massif 44.5 Samuel Jackson 32.5 5. "Yeah, darlin', gonna make it happen, take the world in a love J.I.Z. 53.5 J.I.Z. 63.5 embrace, fire all of your guns at once and...explode into space."

6. "Your father, your mother, your sister, your brother. Everybody's got ULT1 HALEAGIJE to be an A.K.A. lurverrrrrr"

Name Score Name Score 7. "Uzi like a metal dick in my hand. Magazine like a big testicle gland. Geoff Lay 127.5 Richard Moore 31 Bitch wanna try it. I said 'keep her quiet'. Shove it up her mother- Luke McManus 126 64 21.5 fuckin' ass and fry it." Chris Ince 117.5 Chris Tickner 17.5 JMC4 Coalition 116.5 Ruth Loeffler 15.5 8. "Give me the power of man's red flower. So I can be like you" 50D 114 Christopher Pollock 15 Richard Hutchinson 113.5 Rebecca Newman 13 9. "Who's that? Get off the train." Jennifer Williams 113 Leo Harrison 12.5 Christopher Dent 112 Ben Dudson 10 10. "Treguna, Mecoites, Trecorum, Satis Dee." Anthony Jude Rodrigues* 110.5 Mathias Klauke 7 Ongar Rd Massif 108 Kev Fox 6.5 Samuel Jackson 53 J.I.Z 117 John Anderson 35.5 For all his depravity, Mr AIR is ANSWERS TO GFLQ 1249 David Mercer 34.5 worming his way back up the Rosemary Chandler 33.5 boards. Careful Ladies. 1. Danny Zuko & The T-Birds - Greased Lightning

2. Mark Altman (orig. lyrics) - Suicide Is Painless WEBSITE OF THE WEEK 3. R.E.M. - The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite

4. The Beatles - Here Comes the Sun

5. Suede - Trash Synopsis: Hello Dave. Welcome to the Pandemonium Carnival. If you're a Papa Lazarou fan, you'll love this site dedicated to the 'man' himself. 6. Pulp - Underwear

Rating: Get your fortune told by Mama Lazarou, shoot some Locals, fill 7. Bros - When Will 1 Be Famous? out the carnival application form or order some pegs ("wanna buy some pegs Dave?") - plenty of pictures and games to keep your mind from 8. The Wurzels - Combine Harvester work. There are also lots of sound clips, and links to sites such as 'Spiderman will make you gay' and 'Michael Jackson's Face'. Visit soon 9. Chaz 'n' Dave - Snooker Loopy Dave. 10. Liverpool FC - Anfield Rap (Red Machine In Full Effect)

[email protected] The Great Felix Lyrics Quiz COFFEE BREAK FELIX Felix Crossword 1250 By Boris the Inquisitive Goat

Across 1 Horse protects one tiny Down boy from sea (8) 1 Doctor puts South Africa 5 End of 24 with twitch is before college pattern (6) crude (6) 2 Oddity finds it in headless 9 As in Sargeant's love of messy array (6) seaweed (8) 3 Change ram's front (9) 10 Seen about place, vented 4 Ram sign after girl organ (6) changed particle for reli- 12 Very little to the greeks? gious workers (12) (5) 6 At university by means of 13 Harass to bring in a French higher degree (5) one (9) 7 Depressed in these (3, 5) 14 Strangely, my nut looms up 8 Study raised possession for to heaven (5,7) Italian lady (8) 18 Patriot with extra commo- 11 How far can you go legal- tion spoken in many forms ly? (2,2,3,5) (12) 15 Infant mixes oyster with 21 "Heed it well" almost cre- antelope (9) ated generator (9) 16 Roast over flames for fight- 23 Three bases around state er (8) pot. (5) 17 Best clothes from happy 24 Highflying Greek suffering tatters (4,4) meltdown (6) 19 Tedium, a learner finds, is 25 Forge? It rhymes (8) a result of North wind (6) 26 Gin-seng cocktail without 20 Solicitor goes west in stra- first badge (6) ta (6) 27 Beginner picks up length 22 Squeezed or tolled 1 hear for alarmist (8) (6)

Hey kids! Once again I'm here with a veritable cornucopia of lexi- cal perplexity with which you can while away the hours when you really should be working. It's nearly Christmas you know, and I'm sad to say, the last time you'll be seeing me before the year is out. But fear not! I've asked Father Christmas for a scrabble set, and will spend the Yuletide break, piecing together even more fiendish- ly obscure clues for you to puzzle over upon my return. Answers have been flooding in to the Felix office and [email protected] for last week's crossword and the luck win- ner is Adela Ghinn, Maths II. Remember to put your name, depart- ment and year, otherwise we won't be able to put you in for the Grand Prize Draw at the end of the year and you wouldn't want to miss out on that now, would you? Carrying on my benevolent tradition of explaining cryptic clues for those new to the game - the focus of this week's clue-busting guide is the Queen. There are many possible letters that a refer- ence to the Queen might indicate. These might be ER, HM, or sim- ply Q. A reference to the King might also indicate REX. Anyway, that's just a brief illustration of the fact that a single word might indicate a whole variety of different letters. Have a good Christmas tors $IO

Down: Profit, Guarded, Getaway, Dockyard, Grave, Cowardly, Twitches, Stranger, Aborted, Bacon, Penance, Smugly.

[email protected] Make sure all entries have your name, department and year clearly marked FRIDAY DECEMBER 13

MUSIC UNTIL 3AM

Bling Bling in d Bs

R'n'B, Hip Hop one! UK Garage

IVIJ IVIac ~+- residents

Guests: Mikee B d1o 1) Dreem Teem Miss Lsdy G, soui jam

*^tm m I ML ML m M Jhm£ ONDERLAND^DISCO IN THE CONCERT HALL FROM THE CHEESE CREW

Union £4.00 : Guests £5.00 : P2P £3.50 iperial Union Reception or by Telephone on 020-7594-8060. Credit cards accepted Imperial College Union, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road City & Guilds College Union IMPERIAL COLLEGE ENGINEERING STUDENTS' ASSOCIATION presents

www. cgcu. net/internships/ FELIX SPORT Sports Shorts Thirds Thrashing

half-time from Hideki after confu- Then we got another goal with a Football sion in the box. The fourth came Football good run from Dominic down the IC V 8 - 0 Kings V soon after half-time from Gucci IC III 5 - 0 Southbank II right who centred the ball to Alex and it was curtains for Kings. IC who then finished it to make it two. It was a game of two halves. In were rampant and put them to the After having lost to Essex in the pre- They were starting to lose control the first half we scored 3, and in sword. Phil completed his hat- vious match the game against and we didn't have to wait long for the second we scored 5. However, trick and two goals from Leon, Southbank seconds was a must-win a third goal with a pass from Alex the scoreline only tells half the after a masterful tactical substitu- game for us to remain in the top "Gabba" Edwards to Simone whose story of the latest chapter in the tion from the captain, completed three of the BUSA league. The start close range shot was parried by the epic rivalry between IC and Kings. the rout. It would have been more was fairly intimidating with the keeper back off him into the net. In From the off, it was backs to the but Sprout couldn't hit a cows arse opposition having some rather skill- the second half they came out look- wall stuff - for obvious reasons, as with a banjo. Captain Caruso was ful players showing good technique ing stronger and better organised we were playing Kings. thrilled with the result but quickly who were able to get some good but our back three held firm and We set our stall out early on giv- put the teams feet back on the passing together looking quite dan- they started to show their frustration ing 110% knowing the final score ground, told us not to get carried gerous. Then James O'Prey thread- with one of the players kicking the would affect the result. The break- away and take each game as it ed a through ball to Alex De Luca ball away several times. The game through came from Phil, on his comes, "Seriously lads, big game who made a run down the left to was killed off when Dan deep in our debut for the fifths, with a majes- Wednesday..." score making up for missing a simi- half, passed down the left for Alex to tic lob over the flailing keeper. The lar chance just minutes before. run onto and cross to Simone who second came after great work from Ladies Hockey The fight back was immediate fired past the keeper. After this they Sprout, a Dowbor-type step-over IC II 6 - 0 Essex with their captain hitting the bar tried a retaliation but everything that from Hideki and a cool finish from We are the best! with a shot from outside the area was able to get past midfield and Gucci. Kings heads didn't drop and a wonderful save from Tom the defence was blocked by Tom. though and they keep plugging Clifton who was able to get down to The icing was put on after Gabba away. But with Dave "The Rugby save another chance. But we always squared it unselfishly to Phil to give Lawnmower" Yates covering every IC II 24 - 5 Chichester looked threatening, getting some us a resounding 5-0 victory and a blade of grass on the pitch the Aggregate Score of 91-5 good moves along the wings but good chance of qualifying for the killer blow came on the stroke of unfortunately not following through. BUSA Vase.

[email protected] All match and event reports are welcome. I )id You Know That CERVICAL CANCEE

GENITAL WANTS are Caused By Similar Viruses?

A vaccine to protect against these viruses is now being tested in loud on

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If you want to find out more about how you can become involved then please phone the study hotline number on

020 7886 6047 or email in. cowen@ic. ac. u k Infernal Contraption

In a secluded workshop, deep in the waited to be checked in. First came We left the robot charging up changing the speed controller. With bowels of Electrical and Electronic the weigh-in. Horror of horrors, the overnight. In the morning, we took it an hour or so of good teamwork, we Engineering, the elements of earth, (rather suspect) scales read 105 off charge and decided it was a had the IC back together and ready fire, metal and gaffa tape were Kg, 5 Kg over the limit. Fortunately, good idea to do a quick test. This to test... and would you believe it, it brought together by four ordinary by putting the robot on the scales played right into the hands of the worked just fine. men. Two of their number were stu- the other way round - see what we evil stray screw hiding in one of our After a free lunch and more dents, named Jonathan Pillai and did there? - we were able to make it speed controllers, which promptly standing around, it was nearly our Gary Ewer, and the other two, tech- weigh 91 Kg. That's a good trick for expired, causing one wheel to stop turn to fight. We did a brief pre-fight nicians of that department, named any of you on diets at the moment. working. The only thing we could do interview with Phillippa Forester, Phil Jones and Ray Thompson. After getting through the weigh-in was pack up, leave and sort it out then queued up to go into the arena Among them, they created the and various tech checks, we set up when we got to the filming at along with the other three robots we Infernal Contraption, a fighting robot on our bench and then waited for Newton. were up against. akin to those that, as legend would our turn to slash and burn. The for- Just as before, the first thing after Then came our turn to go up into have it, appear on flickering boxes mat was a series of 4-way melees our arrival was the weigh-in. The the control pods, above a live audi- across the land of a Friday even. with the winner going through to the scales said 105 Kg, but this time ence and a noisy arena complete This strange machine, fashioned TV show. The robots we were up they were proper scales, so 105 Kg with hazards aplenty and baying from steel and sewerage pipe against were called Double Trouble, meant 105 Kg. Houston, we had a house robots. (unused), boasted two large wheels, a box shape with two small spin- problem! Fortunately, we half If you want to find out what hap- and a vertical spinning disk mount- ning disks, GBH II, a racing car expected to be a bit over, and had pened after that, then why not ed on a sub frame so as to swing shape with double flipper, and some planned to remove one of the two watch BBC2, Friday 6th December, back and fourth as would a hammer dodgy looking thing that had a weapon drive motors if we needed 18:45. in the hand of Thor. name like Ripper. to. I went and scrounged a new Also, look out for the Infernal The first outward venture of the The time came for our melee. We speed controller while Ray and Gary Contraption in Robot Wars Extreme: Infernal Contraption took place in made our way up into the control removed the motor,. University Challenge, due to air August 2001, when, only half fin- pods and drove the IC out into the We got through the weigh-in, set some time next year. ished, it was taken to Wembley arena. Ripper never made it out of up on our bench, and set about Jonathan Pillai Arena for the qualifying of Robot the holding pen, and so there were Wars series 5. Unfortunately, due to three. The battle began. We got a its being overweight, it was not good hit on Double Trouble quite allowed to take part in the series. early on, which pierced their armour Over the months following this and damaged their transmission on Symphony Orchestra denial, bits were cut off, and in one side. GBH II had intermittent some cases welded back on to the radio problems, so we hit them a IC. New fixtures were fashioned and few times, but didn't want to do www.unlofl.lc.acuk/orchestra Conductor: Richard Dickins fitted, then changed a bit and them too much damage while they until in late May, we heard rumours were immobile. Part of our polycar- that qualifying for series 6 was to be bonate armour split due to being held in early July. With this in mind, cold formed into a curve, but lucki- we upped the workrate just in case. ly, no one got in to do any damage. It was a good job we did, because in By the end of it all, Double Trouble's early June we received confirmation disks had both come off, GBH II had Rachmamnov that we were due to attend qualify- a few gashes, but was otherwise ing at 09:30 on July 4th. fine, and we were still working, but byiripnony i As qualifying drew closer, we with superficial damage. seemed in pretty good shape. A We came back down from the couple of days beforehand, we had control pods, deactivated the robot, Walton _ the IC driving around nicely. On the and waited for the decision. We day before, we got aggressive and were all well pleased when Bill UBIIO Concerto smashed up a bin and an old filing Hobbins, the producer, told us that Cello: Raphael Wallfisch cabinet - we thought they were it was a good fight, so all three looking at us funny. We also found robots would be appearing on TV. that, as expected, spinning the IC We were due back in three days, so Friday 6th December 8pm on the spot with the disk up to full had the weekend to sort out our speed caused one wheel to lift up in armour. Great Hall the air (by virtue of the magical Over the weekend, we replaced rickets gyroscopic effect). After one final the polycarbonate armour with thick practice, we put the IC in the back £2.50 / £6.50 in advance polyethylene sewage pipe, generally £3.00 / £7.00 on door of Ray's car, and set off. tightened things up, and had a bit * imperial Available from Ainslee Rutledge Following an overnight stop, we more driving practice. On Sunday college arrived at a disused military base at evening, we set off for Lincoln, and union " Blyth Music and Arts Centre Newton, near Nottingham, and a good night's sleep.

[email protected] All match and event reports are welcome. VIRGINS FELIX Virgins Score Twice

Ladies Rugby Ladies Rugby IC Virgins 10 - 5 RHUL RHUL 5 - 0 IC Virgins

The Virgin's winning streak contin- We all undertook the mammoth ues with an outstanding victory trek out to Egham - which does- over Royal Holloway on Sunday. n't even have an 020 area code A strong start saw the Virgin's - for the rematch, this time in camped in their 22 for the majori- the BUSA league, with the ty of the first half. With uncontest- Virgins knowing they would ed scrums - at their request - leapfrog the country bumpkins in Lumpy took the ball off the back the league were they to win... and ran blind again and again, the stakes were high indeed. gaining ground each time. She was It wouldn't be a proper match really on form, biffing her way report without the standard non through player after player, per- rugby announcements. The most forming a delicate pirouette before important thing is that we have slamming the ball over the line for our very first virgin engage- our first try. This was quickly fol- ment... lush Snotty-Posh will be lowed by Aiofe who was playing sporting a sparkling ring and will out of position at fly half -doing a show it to all who ask. We also blinding job too - broke through have to say goodbye to an old the line, side stepped the full back, girl, Minor, who has been play- A few of the many Virgins in the Union that fateful night sprinted three quarters of the ing for us for about 5 years - no- length of the field and scored one can remember exactly how would again be allowed to play We were camped on their 22 under the posts. long - and now she's off around like girls. for some time, but the uncon- The fought back hard, and we the world on her electives, and The game was a very scrappy tested scrums meant that their defended our five yard line for half this represents major loss to the affair, mainly due the fact that full back had more than enough an hour before they finally scored. team. the ref insisted on blowing up for time to clear the lines after Despite Lumpy's attempts at drop Anyway, on with the match. every minor infringement that scrums so we had to keep re-tak- goals there were sadly no conver- Having played with uncontested might have inconvenienced the ing the same ground. Ash went sions. scrums on Saturday we made opposition. Not that we're bit- off injured but came back on the Spatch's family came to spec- sure that this wouldn't be the ter.... After about twenty minutes play with a limp. Bendy was car- tate in the unrelenting rain, but case for the return trip as the full play they managed to come off a ried off - i knew that it was only Mother Spatch was more enter- power of our forwards wanted to five yard scrum and power the a matter of time before she got tained by her 'chunky legs' than in be unleashed. However after ball over the line - although there injured. Credit has to go to the rugby itself. The virgin's look injuring their hooker in the first was gallant defending we, for Baggy for putting in a proper low forward to Wednesday and indeed five minutes the ref decided that once, weren't quick enough. tackle on their only Heifer. In the next three columns. for safety's sake the opposition Fair enough, we thought, plen- uncontested scrums - have i ty of time to get it back, especial- whinged enough yet? - our front ly with us dominating the lush row especially mutts couldn't running play, when it happened. really strut their stuff but had a This was not to be the case, how- great game in the loose. Forward ever, as the ref blew up for half of the match had to be Jenny, for time after a mere half an hour: running off with the ball, for- we weren't aware that this had wards, whenever she got it. Back been arranged, but that was pri- of the match goes to Aoife for marily because it hadn't. Our lush her storming runs down the rugby skills - rucking, mauling, field. Bad luck to the Virgins for tackling, running, the lot - were losing a game that they general- rightly praised in the refreshing ly wouldn't have done, but hope- half time team, and we were fully we'll get the points on a back on the pitch raring to go. technicality. The second half was pretty Oh yes, i have to mention the much the same as the first, with stunning support from the some storming runs, especially injured 'sometimes i don't recog- from our lush full back Ash. The nise myself in the mirror' Dapps. backs supported each other well, Ash is lush, and for once the and if our handling had been as lovely Pinky doesn't get a men- good as our running we would tion - oops - and finally it should have one by a mile - sorry for- be noted that Minor just chun- Thank them for all the songs they were singing... wards. dered and Dan fell over in it.

[email protected] What's going on? I'm making time.