• Abstract and Figures
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written and illustrated by Melanie Wallace dedicated to my family: Dad, Mom, Chris, Cathy, Bill & Ben love you guys I am standing at the gate by the creek. The Today, I am going through creek runs under the road that is behind the gate. me, through a large metal culvert filled with spider webs and dumps into a large pool of water which I think is very deep. Before I get to the gate, I step off the road and down a steep ditch. I have to go slow, because there is barbed wire all over. There is a stone wall too. Some times I sit on the stone wall, throwing things in the creek and watching them float down stream. Sometimes I drop things on the other side of the road and run across, waiting for them to float through. The gate has metal bars in the shape of an X with the barbed wire woven through. We’ve stepped on the wire enough to make a small hole to crawl through. I am sitting in my Dad’s hospice room. In has a happy face. Ben is nine years younger. front of me, lies my father in a bed. His arms He looks and acts a lot like me with brown and legs are very thin and he sleeps most of hair, blue eyes and the same ambition to be the time. To the right is his bathroom with a productive everyday, like our Dad. large walk-in shower. To the left are beautiful views of the trees and snow through large It’s just coincidence that we are together patio doors. Behind me is another attached today, holding vigil while we watch my father room where visitors can sit, a small desk and deteriorate. My Dad can’t communicate well tv. It’s a beautiful space with warm, bamboo, and seems to be in a dream-like state talking wood floors, wood trim, paintings on the about the farm, dirt, chickens, and prison. walls and a sofa bed. (He’s never been in prison.) By some miracle, my sister and two brothers We sit mostly in silence – mostly numb from all arrive at the same time, even though the situation. Someone mentions blood they drove from different locations and the sausage. I don’t know why. It reminds me that meeting is unplanned. Cathy is four years I have my journal with my cow tongue story. younger than me, tall and bleach blond. She So I break out my journal and read several is the most beautiful person I know, because stories. Smiles come to everyone’s face she is so kind to so many. My brother Bill except my Dad, who is delirious. is six years younger, very kind and always I am ten years old standing in front of loved making large pans of casserole for our the refrigerator. To my right is this family of seven. I don’t remember anything long farm house window where I in the fridge except one large silver pan. am soon to spend hours, sitting Hmmm. What was mom cooking? My mouth and talking on the rotary phone waters. What could it be? with a party line. There is a wire bench with a cushion. To the right Yikes! It’s a giant cow tongue floating in is a book shelf. Once, there was a water, fully cooked with bits of something window there. The framing was left floating. I’m horrified. It’s so creepy. It’s a and shelving put in when my Dad added two pale pink 4x2x12” piece of meat with porous bedrooms to the house. My mom has filled bumps. I knew my dad ate blood sausage, the shelf with nick-nacs and cook books. which is animal brains or something, but It’s painted blue like the rest of the newly this looks worse than redesigned kitchen. Behind me is the kitchen anything I’ve ever seen. sink. A small window over the sink shows the It’s as if the cow was dining room. laying dead by the side of the road and someone So, after school, I’m starving. I open the went and cut it’s tongue refrigerator door hoping to find some left off. I’ve lost my appetite. over tuna or hamburger casserole. My mom I’m standing in my back yard between the cuts the turtle up. He has my Mom fry it. I try house and the barn. In front of me is a twenty a little and we all conclude that it tastes like foot tree and under the tree is my Dad. chicken. The shell was dried and hung in the garage for twenty or more years. We were driving just one-half mile from the house, when my Dad saw a turtle in the road. We stopped, and to my surprise, my Dad threw the turtle in the trunk of the car. It was a snapping turtle with a 12x18 inch shell. My Dad thought that the turtle had been hit by a car, causing the crack and bleeding on the top of the shell. He said the turtle would die. My Dad hangs the turtle from the tree with it’s head down and then cuts the head off. The turtle is left there to drip all day. I periodically walk by to take a look a the gruesome scene. Later in the day, my Dad I am riding in the back seat of my Dad’s ‘69 My dad says, “What do you think? Want it?” Impala. I see my younger brothers in the seat We all scream “Yes” and start arguing about to my right, as well as my younger sister. My what his name should be. Everyone gets older sister gets to sit in front. back in the car. The windows are open – it’s summer time. My dad picks up the dog and We left our house and drove a couple miles plops him on my lap. It’s big, heavy and a down a beautiful tree-lined country road. A little scratchy with it’s curly orange hair. couple turns and we’ve arrived at a farm house. We get out and the owner It’s body is wide at the shoulders, narrow at walks out with a dog. The dog the waist, and wide at the bottom – shaped jumps all over us and licks us. like a peanut. “Peanuts” I say. And everyone I start to wonder, is getting a likes it. We have a new dog named Peanuts dog really a good thing? and head home. I am sitting in the living room with my sisters Lawrence Welk - even worse. The men wear and brother watching Shawn Cassidy on TV. pastel suits and the women wear bouffant He’s so cute. I lie on the floor getting as close as hairdos and chiffon dresses, also pastel. This I can to the huge TV. It’s dark in the room and show is a half hour. Shawn Cassidy will be over the TV glows. I’m entranced by the cute boy on by then. I ask “When will Mom be ready?” and TV and see nothing around me. Dad says, “I don’t know.” I only ask because as soon as she’s ready, they can leave and I can get Then my Dad walks in, flips on the overhead back to my show. It seems to last forever. “A one, light and says “Don’t watch TV in the dark. It a two, a three.” as Lawrence Welk taps his baton will ruin your eyes.” He walks up to the TV, and starts another song, during which the ladies turns on Hee Haw and then sits on a chair. and men, dressed like Easter eggs start to dance He’s waiting for my mom to get ready for their and sing in fluffy tones. Finally my mom walks date night. We are all disappointed that he in. I smell her perfume and she’s wearing changed the channel, but don’t say anything. makeup. “Bye!” And there’s only a few minutes He’s the boss. Five minutes of Hee Haw and it’s left of Shawn Cassidy. That’s ok. Laugh-In is next over. Thank God. But then my Dad turns on and we can watch it, because Dad is gone. I’m sitting in my Dad’s room again. This time, get bits and pieces. He talks about how the I’m in the side room on the sofa bed. In front sockets are stuck, and he turns his hands, of me is my Aunt Betty. She may be ten years as if he’s unscrewing the sockets. A couple older than me. She has short brown hair and times, we fed him, and when we are done, his pretty eyes that always look away at the end hands go through the motions as if he’s still of a sentence in a shy sort of way. She’s petite, eating. He takes a bite of an apple, holding quiet and gentle. My Dad had three brothers it in his hand, biting, chewing and even a and three sisters. Betty is the youngest girl. look of enjoyment on his face. But there is no apple. When he was awake, his hands I came at eight this morning. When I left at were fidgeting constantly. He’d put his arm 9:30, I said “I love you.” and he said “I love in a pocket of his blanket as if he’s storing you too.” Then I said “Good bye.” and he said something.

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