DOCUMENT RESUME

ED 369 000 CG 025 289

AUTHOR Firestone, Robert W.; And Others TITLE The -Daughter Bond. INSTITUTION Glendon Association, Los Angeles, CA. PUB DATE [93] NOTE 13p. PUB TYPE Reports Descriptive (141)

EDRS PRICE MF01/PC01 Plus Postage. DESCRIPTORS *Coping; *Daughters; Emotional Problems; Individual Development; Life Events; *; * Child Relationship; Parent Influence; S:o.f Actualization

ABSTRACT Understanding the core issues of a 's relationship with her mother can be beneficial to women striving for a more fulfilling life. Both men and women suffer some degree of damage in their early relationships with one or both , and the relationship which appears to have the strongest influence on a woman's life is often her relationship with her mother. Some factors accounting for the ongoing effects of this attachment are the mother's traditional role as primary caretaker, a strong identification between mother and daughter, and the woman's traditional posture of passivity and dependence which tends to be transmitted to her daughter. Despite the daughter's strong desire for , sexual fulfillment, and a separate identity, she experiences intense feelings of guilt, separation anxiety, and fears of retaliation as she undergoes the process of individuation, thus moving away from her mother. Significant life events, such as , , motherhood, and career success tend to manifest regressive trends and anxiety in women which can interfere with their further development. However, understanding the dynamics of maternal ambivalence helps women to work through these developmental crises and has an ameliorative effect on their . (CC)

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by Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D., Joyce Catlett, M.A., and Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. TO THE EDUCATIONAL RESOURCES Los Angeles. California INFORMATION CENTER (ERIC).-

Each step in a woman's development toward independence and sexual maturity is accompanied by conflict. Despite her strong desire for love, sexual fulfillment, and a separate identity, she experiences intense feelings of guilt, separation anxiety, and fears of retaliation as she moves away from her mother. Anxiety and regressive trends are manifest in significant life events that lead to individuation, such as marriage. pregnancy. motherhood. and career success. Understandng the dynamics of maternal ambivalence, i.e., hostile as well a nurturing tendencies toward offspring, enables women to work through these developmental crises and has an ameliorative effect on the new .

A woman may hring any number of assets to parents. especially when the parents themselves have marriagecompassion, wisdom, intelligence. been deprived or limited by their own upbringing. skills, an imaginative spirit, delight-giving femi- The paper draws attention to negative aspects of ninity. good humor, friendliness, pride in a job the relationship that appears to have the strongest well done influence on a woman's lifeher relationship with her mother. Several factors account for the ongoing 1 Put if she does not bring emancipation from effects of this early attachment: ( I ) The mother's role her mother, the assets may wither or may be as primary caretaker still exists in our culture in spite overbalanced hy the liability of the fear of being of changes in the structure of contemporary nuclear a woman families: (2) A stronger identification exists between Joseph C. Rheingold (1964) mothers and daughters than between mothers and rheFear of-Being a Woman. sons: and (3) Until very recently, cultural prejudices (p. 451) have largely prevented women's full participation in social, economic, and political arenas. The traditional In order to place this paper in perspective, it is roles that women have been forced to accept have led necessary to introduce the concepts herein with the them to adopt a posture of dependency and passivity. following statements. First, despite the apparently which, in turn, they transmit to their daughters. controversial subject matter regarding women's rela- tionships with their mothers. the paper does not rep- A HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE ON WOMEN resent an anti-feminist viewpoint. To the contrary, understanding the core issues in a woman's most One major influence in the lives of women is significant relationship has been beneficial to women that for centuries they have been subjugated by a who are striving to fulfill themselves. patriarchal society. Historically, most women ac- Second, the locus of the paper is not repre- cepted the socially defined identity of being the "sec- sentative of a sexist point of view. To the contrary, the ond sex.- and as a result of discrimination felt inca- paper describes dynamics occurring in all relation- pable of actively determining the course of their own ships where individuals arc defended against close- lives. The lack of access to real power led them to ness and intitnacy. adopt indirect or passive methods in attempting to Both men and women suffer some degree ol Will their human potentiality. The tendency to util- damage in their early relationships with one or both ize passive-aggressive techniques is transmitted in-

-rpm! r,01; flak 2 . )41 40 al 41010 F aF1iIt he tergenerationally through the process of identifica- fact, these women are often very critical of their fion and imitation. mother's inadequacies, negative characteristics, and The imprinting of these behavior patterns c..1 the general style of relating. Indeed, the process of iden- daughter's personality through the mother's influ- tifying with and of introjecting withholding patterns ence as a is an important dynamic operat- is largely an unconscious phenomenon. Over a long ing in the lives of most women. When women break period of time, the daughter's holding back of posi- out of this traditional pattern or stereotype and sur- tive responses and pursuits becomes automatic and pass their mothers, either personally or vocationally, involuntary, and the pattern is repeated with her own they tend to experience considerable guilt, anxiety. children. and fear of retaliation. These emotional reactions. in Repercussions of the mother-daughter bond turn, interfere with their further development and have a destructive effect on women's relationships often precipitate regressive behavior. Women's strug- with the men in their lives and later on the children gles against thcse powerful internal forces have a in the new family. However, it is most important to more debilitating effect on them than the economic emphasize the powerful limitation it imposes on each or social restrictions that still exist in our culture. woman's sense of self. Its stultifying impact on their feelings of self-worth, achievement, and personal THE CENTRAL ROLE OF THE MOTHER power is far greater than most clinicians realize. In addition,this problemis compounded because In our culture, the function of the mother as the women tend to feel guilty, depressed. and demoral- primary caretaker of children is of the utmost signifi- ized to the extent that the symbiotic tie with their cance because it exerts a profound influence on the mothers interferes with their most intimate relation- psychological well-being of the family. Some degree ships. of frustration is inevitable in a child's early interac- In exploring this controversial, emotion-laden tions, because no parent can successfully anticipate topic. we hope that the reader will look at the subject the needs of another at all times. However, when this objectively, with feelings of empathy for both men frustration is compounded by immature or rejecting and women. Clinical analysis of data. combined with mothering. it leads to a combiliation of intense rage compassion, will help to prevent the misuse or mis- and emotional hunger in the child. These negative understanding of our data in the direction of anti-fe- feelings have no acceptable outlet and therefore male. anti-mother bias. or defensive sexist attitudes manifest themselves in self-hatred, the building of on the part of both men and women. We feel strongly defenses, passive aggression. and the withholding or that sexist attitudes and stereotypes applied to either holding back of positive, self-affirming responses. sex are psychologically damaging and are responsi- In the case of female offspring, where the iden- ble for a great deal of human misery. tification with the mother is strongest (Deutsch. 1944 ). the daughter's hurt or angry response is trans- UNDERLYING DYNAMICS OF THE fonned into a form of withholding that resembles the MOTHER-DAUGHTER BOND mother's negative personality traits and defense pat- terns. Unfortunately, the defensive incorporation of In order to better understand the specific dynam- maternal characteristics is heightened during times of ics of the destructive tie between mother and daugh- stress and emotional pain. Therefore, in general. the ter, it is important to describe the concept of the daughter tends to incorporate and compulsively act fantasy bond. The concept is a basic tenet of the out her mother's most negative characteristics, traits author's theoretical approach and has been described that were not necessarily representative of her in a number of works (Firestone, 1984. 1985, 1987a, mother's personality as a whole. Paradoxically. the 1988). The fantasy bond is defined as an imaginary more the daughter resents the mother and suffers at connection and symbiotic tie with an object that acts her hand. the more she tends to imitate her behavior as a compensation when there is a deficiency in and attempts to fonn an Unaginary connection or emotional warmth and caring. The original fantasy bond with her. bond is formed under stress in an attempt to cope with It is important to note that women who have been the pain of emotional deprivation. separation, and deeply hurt in their relationships with withholding rejection in early life. The most primitive aspect of mothers do notconsciouslywant to imitate them. In the bond is the 's fantasy or internal image of

The Glendon Association 2 (310) 552-0431 3 being merged with the mother's body, most particu- symbiosis. Grown women, we find we have ma- larly the breast (Firestone. 1984). This bond with the nipulated ourselves out of our own sexuality. mother is later extended to the father and to the family Nancy Friday (1977) at large. The fantasy process. combined with self- My Mother/ My Self,(p. 83) nourishing habit patterns such as thumbsucking, stroking and clinging to transitional objects, and mas- The process of individuation, whereby children turbation, acts as a form of self- to alleviate increasinglydifferentiate themselves from their emotional pain. It fosters a feeling of pseudo-inde- mothers, occurs naturally throughout children's life- pendence. This bond or self-parenting process exists times. Each step is generally accompanied by re- to some degree in every individual. The extent to minders of existential aloneness and separateness. which individuals come to rely on this fantasy proc- The developmental task is characterized by feelings ess for gratification is proportional to the degreeof of anxiety in children of both sexes. In the large deprivation. majority of family constellations, the son, in differ- Other theorists have noted the prevalence of entiating himself from the mother, gradually shifts destructive bonds in couple and family relationships. his identification to the father. The daughter remains HeIhnuth Kaiser. one of the first clinicians to write finely tuned to the mother. For their part. mothers about a "delusion of fusion." described it as the generally tend to identify with their daughters more universal symptom and delineated its manifestations than with their sons. Genevie and Margolies (1987) in therapy settings: report. for example, that: As his adult intellect does not allow him to Our findings show that mothers form this pri- maintain an illusion of unity he I the patient I does mary relationship more readily with their daugh- something which is a compromise between fu- terswhomtheyviewasextensionsof sion and mature relationship: Namely. he be- themselves: more dependent, more emotional, haves either submissively or domineeringly. more bonded by the primary mother-child tie. (Cited in Fierman. 1965. p. xix) (p. 291) JurgWilli (1975/1982). Wexler and Steidl Each step in a woman's development toward 11978), Mark Karpel (1976), R. D. Laing (1969/ sexual maturity is filled with conflict. She is torn 1972). and Murray Bowen (1976) have pointed out between expressing her love and sexual desire in various dimensions of destructive bond formation in relation to a man, which she perceives as a separation their work. They contributed to our understanding of from her mother, and holding back these responses, anxious attachment and its implications for marriage which affirms the maternal connection. Furthermore. and hunily life. The authors have learned to distin- as she matures. the daughter may actually fearretali- guish between maternal responses that are genuinely ation from the mother for seeking adult sexual fulfill- loving and maternal reactions that are based on im- ment. In my own clinical work. I have found that both maturity and emotional hunger toward children. The separation anxiety and fear of the mother's envy or latter have a very destructive effect on children's ego vindictiveness are experienced by women at crucial development, capacity for rezlity testing. and emo- points in their sexual development. In his book.The tional maturation. Mother. Anxiety. and Death,Joseph C. Rheingold (1967) has drawn attention to this aspect of the sepa- ANXIETY AROUSED BY SEPARATING ration-individuation process as it affects women: FROM THE MATERNAL BOND In the psychopathology of women one regu- We offer men our bodies if they will marry us: larly discovers an association of the masochistic afterward. we arc mystified because we are less or hostile dependent kind of relationship with the interested in sex now that he is "oursWhat we mother and the fear of mutilation and annihilation wanted all along wasn't sex. but closeness. punishment for feminine self-fulfillmentin- Mother most rewarded us with syngtotu. lore deed, for just being a female. (p. 96) when we denied our sexuality Ilta lies added I. Sex, even with its intimate pleasures. becomes In an earlier work. Rheingold (1964) contended merely a means to ail end: nothing is sweeter than that most young girls are terrified of the mother's

The Glendon Association 3 (310) 552-0431 feelings of hostility and , and. as a result, they wzgression. However, we do not deny the importance attempt to turn to the father for protection. However. of Rheingold's interpretation that fear of the mother's this move toward the father is similarly fraught with retaliation is an important causative factor as well. danger because of the mother's envy, and the girl Rheingold's interpretations of his fmdings are retreats once again. In Between Women: Lowering the consistent with the hypotheses my associates and I Barriers. Paula Caplan (1981) describes how daugh- have derived from clinical material. It has been our ters often adjust to their mother's envy: experience that most women do indeed remain their "mother's daughter," bound to the mother not by It is a heavy burden to feel envied by one's natural affection, but by fears of aloneness or vindic- mother. This is especially true because anger so tive retaliation. often accompanies envy.... How does a daughter For other perspectives on maternal ambivalence. deal with her mother's competitiveness with her see Of Woman Born (Rich, 1976) and Mother Love: or jealousy of her accomplishments? Often, she Myth and Reality (Badinter. 1980/1981). Ms. Rich does one of two things (or tries both at different explores her ambivalent feelings about motherhood times): she reduces her efforts to achieve (or at and toward her children in a personal journal. Dr. least begins to conceal them from her motheri. Bldinter documents the varying forms of maternal and she puts emotional or physical distance be- indifference, cruelty. dissatisfaction, and affection tween herself and her mother. (p. 120) over the past four centuries of French history. In describing adolescent girls who have already begun to renounce their in order to Guilt about Separating from appease their mother's anger. Rheingold (19M) the Maternal Bond wrote: A self-denying mother arouses powerful feelings We ohserve many more girls who exhibit the of guilt in her children. By denying herself gratifica- "mutilated- state that becomes so distinctive in tion, fulfillment, or sexual pleasure a woman not only adolescence and adult life. They wear a hurt. hurts herself, she also imposes subtle restrictions on intimidated look, seem burdened with distrust her daughter's life. Her daughter, out of a sense of and guilt. and show not a trace of femininity or guilt, will turn her back on her own development and any other kind of self-affirmation. (p. 266) retreat from an adult, womanly posture. This guilt becomes more evident as young As a clinician. Rheingold demonstrated an un- women take tentative steps toward independence or usual understanding of the conflict that prevails in move away from emotional ties with the family. In women throughout their lives. On the one hand. the case of the adolescent girl. the guilt involved in women desi 'exual fulfillment and independence: breaking away or "leaving her mother behind" is yet, at the same time. they are drawn hack to the often intense and debilitating, especially when her mother through fear of her retaliatory powers: mother is depressed. self-hating, self-destructive, or The girl has no choice hut to enter lino the childlike in her orientation. rivalry.... The threat of retaliation. however. I event uall vj forces her to abandon her aspirations Manifestations of the Daughter's Guilt (to he a better wife than mother) and surrounds in Her Adutt Life all women-roles with danger. (p. 267) As noted earlier, the children of mothers who A woman begins fleeing her mother in early withhold feelings of love suffer from unsatisfied childhood and never ceases trying to deliver her- longings, emotional hunger. and rage at being re- .elf from the psychic bond to her.... The drives to jected. Children. and later adults (of both sexes), attain treedom never succeed.... She is always her generally feel guilty about feelings of hostility to- mother's daughter. (p. 272) ward their parents and frequently turn their rage The authors emphasize that women's retreat against themselves. rom mature sexuality is primarily affected by their The daughter's guilt about the anger she feels desire to hold onto a dependency bond or connection toward her mother causes her to hate herself. When with the mother rather than their lear of the mother's she is forced to renounce the loving feelings she

The Glendon Association 4 (310) 552-0431 originally felt toward her mother (the most important In early sessions. Carol. an unusually percep- person in her life), she becomes disoriented and re- tive and intelligent person. rapidly gained emo- sentful. As a young girl, she learned by observation tional and intellectual insight into the dynamics and imitation to he like her mother and feels strange of the relationship with her mother. Carol spoke or uncomfortable when she is different from her role in her therapy group about her mother's rejection model. of her father and her need to control family Guilt reactions cause women to turn their backs members. hi addition, she noted her mother's on important personal and vocational goals if these sexualized involvement with dependent and in- pursuits differ from or threaten to surpass their moth- gratiating women. Altogether. her insight was ers' achievements. For example. a study by Jill Suitor clear, compassionate. and powerful. (1987) reported empirical data indicating guilt reac- During this period. Carol gradually unfolded as tions in women who surpassed their mothers' level of a woman. Her previously drab. unfeminine ap- education. Kim Chernin (1985). in The Hungry Self pearance and quiet reserve were replaced by a (a study of eating disorders). also commented on her brightness. vitality, and lively sense of humor. observations of guilty women: Gradually she developed a stronger sense of The contrast for most women between their life identity as a sexual woman, in stark contrast to of possibility and their mother 's life of limitations her mother's asexual orientation. Carol moved continues to haunt them through every stage of out of the family home into her own apartment growth and development, making separation a and decided to pursue an advanced degree in perilous matter. for it involves inevitably this psychology. She lost weight. began to dress problem of surpassing a woman who must. in her stylishly, and for the first time became involved lonely sense of failure at life, perceive the daugh- in a sexual relationship with a man for whom she ter's movement imo the world as a betrayal and cared a great deal. abandonment of thc identity they share. At this point in her therapy. Carol appeared on (pp. 57-58) the threshold of changing deep character de- In our experience. we have found that women fenses of submission and catering to her mother. manifest intense guilt reactions when they achieve attitudes she had extended to other women who success in areas where their mothers failed. and often served as symbolic substitutes for her mother. compensate by regrming in other areas. This is a One day. Carol's mother visited her at her apart- primary factor contributing to women sabotaging ment, and the patient found herself excited by their successes and achievements. The fol lowing case discussing her career plans and some of the in- history illustrates long-term regressions that can oc- sights she had gained in the course of her therapy. cur when women develop personally and vocation- She was totally unprepared for her mother's an- ally and symbolically leave the mother by leading gry reaction.Stunned. Carol listened as her different or "better- lives. mother unleashed an irrational diatribe against After a year of individual therapy. Carol B.. a her and her therapist for his "had" influence on serious. reserved young woman of 24. began to her. At first Carol attempted to defend her point question her mother's authority and challenge of view: however, the combination of her her image as the "perfect" mother. Carol's mother mother's hysterical anger and tears effectively was a highly respected chairperson of the history brought Carol "back Into line." The next day department at a nearby college. She had divorced Carol spent hours on the phone reassuring her the patient's father when Carol was 3 years old. mother and reestablishing the bond with her. The mother moved in a large social circle ol Already torn by guilt about achieving more women associates and friends. Her current life satisfaction in her personal life than her mother, was completely devoid of male companionFlup the patient was unable to recover her good feel- and, according to the patient. her mother spoke ings after the incident. She began to deny or id men with derision and bitterness. repress the insights she had gained in the:apy. She "forgot" important perceptions she had about her

The Glendon Association 5 (310) 552-0431 mother's controlling posture and destructive role Women's Guilt in Relation to in the family. She lost sight of her mother's Symbolic Substitutes manipulation through weakness and negative Female anxiety and guilt about ambitious striv- power. ings and the exercise of competence are so ubiq- It was disheartening for those who knew Carol uitous that the "fear of success" syndrome has to see the rapid deterioration in her self-confi- become a household word. (Lerner, 1988. p.195) dence following the meeting with her mother. Many women not only fear the loss of the mother Several weeks later. Carol dropped out of her but have the same reactions to symbolic substitutes therapy group. Some time later. she terminated in their present-day lives. We found that women take individual therapy and gradually withdrew from their cues from other women in their surroundings in the relationship with the man whom she had terms of their emotional state or their tendencies to planned to marry. be self-denying. Rather than compete with another In turning against her realistic perception of her woman who is depressed or distant from the man in mother's hostility and inadequacy, the patient her life, a woman is more likely to withdraw and suffered a serious regression. Eight years later. a become self-denying herself. She is often too guilty follow-up showed that Clrol had put on a great to sepame herself from less fortunate women and deal of weight and had retreated from relation- maintain her own pursuit of sexual fulfillment or ships with men. She still lived alonephysically other personal goals. She tends to respond adversely separate from her mother, yet emotionally tied to to unconscious social pressure exerted by other her. women who have given up their active pursuit of goals. When the women in her interpersonal environ- This case is not unusual. We have documented ment act weak and defensive, it has a detrimental numerous cases similar to the one just described. effect on her personal life and goal-directed activities. Guilt reactions precipitated by breaking "bom.s Most women are afraid to be nonconformists, often predispose seriousregressions (Firestone. that is. to stand out from the "sisterhood.- For exam- 1987b). For exiunple. a patient who was progressing ple. the stereotyped attitudes toward men expressed well in therapy and changing her hostile. suspicious by women in neighborhood meetings over coffee or views of men received a phone call from her sister. in office settings are rarely, if ever, challenged by The sister. who was seriously disturbed psychologi- women who disagree. Cynical and/or condescending cally and cynical toward men, had played a signifi- views about men are accepted as foregone conclu- cant role in raising our ptient and meant a great deal sions by many women, who use this forum to verbal- to her. After the patient told her sister about her ize attitudes that justify their withdrawal and with- progress and her hopeful outlook, she asked her sister holding. Moreover, there is increasing social pressure how she was feeling. The sister's bitter reply was: from the media and literature supporting a sexist. "You really want to know? I'll tell you how I feel prejudicial view of men that holds them accountable I'm so depressed Ifeel like killing myself.- Her for women's dissatisfaction in marriage and life 'm sister's response acted to turn this patient against general. This distorted societal view, in turn, exerts a herse I f. strong pull on each woman to feel victimized or Within a week of this unpleasant call, this pa- exploited by men. tient. tom by unbearable guilt feelings about her sister's misery, suddenly left her boyfriend and re- SIGNIFICANT EVENTS THAT AROUSE sumed an isolated life-style. It was literally impossi- ANXIETY AND GUILT IN WOMEN ble for her to tolerate her guilt about the contrast AND THEIR EFFECTS between her own happiness and her sister's depres- sion and hatred of men. She refused to break the bond Marriage with her sister, and instead sacrificed her own pur- suits. It is both shocking and disturbing how powerful Just as the fate of personality development these contacts can be in leading to regressive behav- hangs largely on the effect of mother on child, so. ior when a person has a fragile new identity. I believe, the fate of a marriage hangs largely on the effect of wife on husband.... Overwhelmingly

The Glendon Association 6 (310) 552-0431 the flow of crt.cial influence is from the woman on their own point of view when the women in their to the man, requiring adaptation or defense on his lives are unresponsive. depressed. or self-hating, in part. (Rheingold. 1964. pp. 421-422) order to maintain the bond. Rheingold (1964) suggested that the degsee of The concept of marriage has very different un- maternal destructiveness that was present in a conscious significance for men and women. For woman's relationship with her mother is the single women. movement toward sexual intimacy with a most reliable predictor of the success of her marriage. man threatens the mother-daughter bond and symbol- He stresses the fact that marriage once again arouses izes a step away from the mother and a loss of the a woman's fear of her mother. a familiar sense of hope of ever satisfying their longing for maternal dread that she has lived with since infancy. love. For men, marriage symbtilizes the fulfillment of their desire for close. affectionate contact with the Marriage is a crisis for the woman.... Next to mother that they have longed for since early child- pregnancy and becoming a mother, marriage hood. For this reason. men and women have a conflict poses the gseatest threat because it represents two of interest and are unconsciously at odds with each bold acts of self-assertion: assuming the status of other after the early stages of their relationship. the married woman and entering into a publicly Rheingold's (1964) thesis supports the authors' announced heterosexual relationship. (p. 437) views of this basic difference and its impact on the Most women sacrifice their sexuality in order to couple's relationship: -This initiall level of compati- hold on to the mother and relieve their unconscious bility is not...long maintained because marriage at- fears of punishment. In this sense. they are fearful of tempts to integrate mutually alien worlds of being. becoming mature women. When this happens, that of the man and that of the woman- (p. 423). women take on a sameness with the mother that Both extensions of the bond with the mother are makes them hate themselves. Their goals and per- unhealthy. It is ironic that women are drawn to mar- sonal relationships are contaminated by fedings of riage as an imitation of their mother, yet at the same unsatisfied emotional hunger. and their feeling for the ume they lea this movement toward further indi- men in their lives is distorted. viduation and see their independent actions and ma- Indeed. rather than cope with the separation ture expressions of sexuality as replacing the mother. anxiety and guilt inherent in moving away from the Their attitudes toward marriage are necessarily am- mother, many women find themselves experiencing bivalent. Their defenses alienate them from men and a renewed closeness with their mothers following the predispose a destructive bond in place of genuine wedding ceremony. Nancy Friday (1977) commented intimacy. on this "reunion- in My MotherIMy Self This statement should not be construed as being a denial ot the destructive effect that men can have The truth is that in marriage we become the little on women and on the marriage. Men who have been girl who once took down the cookie sheet and damaged in their sexuality can develop a variety of imitated mommy. We also become mommy.... personality disorders or dysfunctional styles of relat- We do not mean to ally with her, but whose ing. Many men, for extunple. become desperate. de- suindards are we living up to when we give up pendent. and possessive of their mates. Others cut off our identity? Did he ask it of us? (p. 345) their feelings. becoming distant and uncommunica- tive: still others develop compensatory feelings of In her interviews with over 2(X) men and women, vanity and demand a build-up from their partners. Ms. Friday reported that the majority of the wives Men also tend to act out aspects of the bond with imitated their mother's style of relating. their mother in their relationship with their mates. Many women who profess goals of future mar- exerting a negative impact on the marriage. They riage and family tend to be disturbed at the actual interpret their partner's positive or negative sexual prospect of becoming involved in a long-term rela- responses as symbolic of the mothering they are tionship with a man or the thought of having a child. unconsciously seeking. Many men behave in a child- In our clinical experience, we are familiar with count- like manner in relation to their mates, seeking defini- less cases where women reported having perverse or tion, and are either submissive or domineering. Often angry responses to acknowledgments of love from they are emotionally hungry and willing to sell out men whom they love.ln one instance, a woman was

The Glendon Assoclatlon 7 (310) 552-0431 shocked at the sarcasm she expressed in reaction to The production of a normal child is a major goal her boyfriend's talking about his wish to make a of most women. Yet most pregnant women have serious commitment to the relationship. The couple hidden fears that the infant may be abnormalor had just spent a romantic evening together when the reveal some 4' their own secret inner weaknesses man spoke sincerely of his growing desire to marry [italics added I. (p. 42) and start a family. As the couple talked about the Dr. Berry Brazelton (1973). a well-known pedia- possibility of having children, the woman suddenly trician and child developmentalist, observed that: burst out angrily: "Well,you'llhave to take care of the kids. too: I'm not going to do it alone!" Prenatal interviews lin a psychoanalytic imer- Both people were startled by this uncharacteris- view setting] with normal primiparas [first-time tic response. In retrospect. they were painfully aware mothers]....uncoveredanxietywhichoften that this "slip of the tongue" had been a portent of seemed to be of pathological proportions.... The things to come. After the couple married and had a unconscious material was so loaded and so dis- family, this woman became increasingly hostile to- torted. so near the surface, that before delivery ward her husband and progressively withheld feel- one felt an ominous direction for making a pre- ings of affection. despite the fact that he was sensitive diction about the women's capacity to adjust to to, and involved with, the children. Her angry out- the role of mothering. (p. 260) burst as well as her subsequent behavior represented Rheingold (1957) observed similar phenomena a direct imitation of her mother's point of view ihat in well over 2.500 cases of pregnant women he "taking care" of a husband and children was an treated during a 10-year experimental study. He overwhelming burden. found that the mother's ambivalence usually contin- Becoming a Mother ued unabated long after the child was born, although the more negative aspects were either completely Having a child of one's own is in itself the forgotten or partially repressed. He suggested that ultimate fulfillment of womanhood. Nonetheless. it even "normal" mothers transmit their basic cmilict symholires a separation from or a release of onCs about being a mother and their repressed hostility to own mother, which can arouse congiderahk anxiety. their infant, instilling in the child a deep sense of Becoming a mother implies a permanent loss of one's anxiety and insecurity. mother. Starting a new family effectively signals the Psychoanalyst Dorothy Bloch (1985) found that end of childhood, causing many women to cling to all children have a predisposition to fear infanticide dependent, childlike patterns of behavior during the and that these fears vary only in their intensity. In her pregnancy and following the birth of the baby. Con- book.So the Witch Won't Eat Me(Bloch. 1978), she ventional views of women's helplessness and need states: "Once I began to probe the function of chil- lor protection dufing pregnancy generally support a dren's fantasies. it became apparent that they were a woman's return to dependency and self-indulgence means of survival and defended the children against during this critical period. Yet. soon after the baby is their fear of infanticide" (p. 13). born, there is a complete change in the emotiona Postpartum Disturbances. Regression during climate. Now the woman is expected to take care of pregnancy generally continues until delivery, when and nurture the baby. The abrupt change from being there is either movement toward recovery or a more taken care of to being a caretaker may foster a wide pronounced regression. The dynamics of postpartum range of regressive behaviors and is a significant depression indicate intense emotional reactions to the factor in . sudden shift from a childlike mode to the reality and Fear and Unconscious Hostility in Pregnant responsibilities of being a parent. These depressive Women. Klaus and Kennell (1976). well-known de- reactions sometimes reach psychotic proportions. velopmental psychologists, have suggested that preg- In a case report. Rosberg and Karon (1959) nant women have many fears that form the basis for described in depth a classic example of postpartum the wide vanat ion in the quality of the mother-infant psychosis. A number of important factors in this case relat ion. relate to our own findings: ( I ) It became clear though analysis that the woman's husband had, in many ways, replaced her mother as the center of her cmo-

The Glendon Association 8 (310) 552-0431 tional life (the primary feeder). (2) Sexuality was My sister had a similar experience that was symbolic of oral gratification (vagina/mouth: pe- even more uncanny. When she had her first baby. nis/breast: semen/milk). (Comparable use of oral my mother visited for a week to help her out. My symbolism has been described in the analysis of less sister tried and tried to breast-feed her baby. but disturbed individuals. Silverberg (1952) and Klein she couldn't. She had no milk and finally after (1948/1964) reporte(1 dreams and fantasies of neu- trying everything, she had to put her baby on a rotic patients indicating that many people represent formu la. The very day my mother left, my sister's sexual functions in terms of oral symbolism.) (3) milk "came in- and she was able to breast-feed. Pregnancy represented a symbolic solution to frustra- It's interesting, because my mother couldn't tion on an oral level. The physical changes that were breast-feed me. And I have brothers who are manifested signified oral gratification (stomach filled much younger than I am. and so I remember with milk). (4) The actual represented a watching her trying to hreast-feed them. One catastrophic loss of gratification and a premature scene I remember clearly was when I was 7 years demand to feed another. This series of hypotheses old, standing in the doorway. and my mother casts light on some of the unexplained characteristics holding my baby brother and trying to feed him. of postpartum disorders. Her milk would flow until the baby would start One further complication that often occurs at the to suck, and then it would stopthat's how with- time immediately after the delivery, when mother and holding she was. child return home. is the appearance of the mother's I remember my father being angry at her for mother on the scene. This occurrence generally tend.s what she was doing. He just couldn't help being to precipitate regressive trends in the new mother. angry. He saw it right in front of him, that she Instead of relieving anxiety, it often causes additional wouldn't feed the baby. I remember standing tension. there:I didn't want to see it.I wanted to turn Early Feeding Experiences. Helene Deutsch around and walk out of the room, hut my feet (1945). in her classic work. ThePsychology4 were fro/en. I couldn't move: I was just frozen Women. tohone 2. has suggested that the nursing standing there staring at that scene. mother may regard her child as an enemy and his/her oral needs as aggressions. More importantly, she may also fear her own aggressive reactions to her infant OTHER ISSUES IN THE and may therefore fail in her attempt to breast-feed PSYCHOLOGY OF WOMEN him/her in order to escape the situation and protect the child against her aggression. We have interviewed Sexual Components in the Early a number of mothers who reported that they resented Maternal-Child Attachment feeding their in !ants. Several mothers revealed that In our work. we have observed that the majority they had initially enjoyed breast-feeding. but soon of women reported that they were physically and found themselves giving up what had been a pleasur- even sexually attracted to other women. This basic able experience for them, often for no apparent rea- attraction appeared to be based on the early need for :;on. affection and physical comfort from the mother. a For exainple. a woman stopped breast-feeding part of the child's earliest feelings. These feelings her three-month-old infant daughter following her represented a natural attraction and did not appear to mother's visit. Later, in a parenting group, she re- he a signal or sign of abnormality. called that her mother was unable to hreast-feed her Many clinicians have reported that inhibitions or her younger brothers (Parr. 1987): against a baby (laughter's expressions of affection When in daughter wasmonths old and my toward the mother are stronger than against the son's. parents came to visit.I was too embarrassed to For this reason, the daughter's initial attraction to the breast-I eed in I ron«if my mother. R ight after that. mother can be frustrated early in the relationship. I thought ottuarre reason to stop breast-feed- "lWomen'sl feelings for their baby daughters may ing. that it would be better for her to be on a bottle. frighten them if they label them sexual. This can lead So I stopped breast-leeding without ever making mothers to limit their physical contacts with their the connection that it followed that visit. young daughters severely," (Caplan. 1981, p. 59).

The Glendon Association 9 (310) 552-0431 1 0 Other researchers have observed that many teristics that arc attractive and appealing, and all other mothers are more hesitant about expressing affection aspects of one's natural, healthy sexuality. Most to their daughters than toward their sons and that this women are very ashamed of holding back sex and reluctance has a damaging effect on the girl's later physical affection from the men they profess to love. sexual development. Sirgay Sanger. in a personal Other women refuse sex outright or offer a variety of communication to Nancy Friday (1977), stated: "The excuses. When women "hold back their natural re- subtle deprivation of physical demonstrations of af- sponsiveness or enthusiasm for sex, a shadow is cast fection that little girls often suffer from their mothers on the relationship, and the effects are profoundly makes women more vulnerable to fear and the loss of detrimental to both partners- (Firestone. 1985. p. attachment" (p. 58). 373). A sexually withholding woman tends to hold Sanger's observation corresponds to our find- back affectionate responses from her children as well ings regarding the damaging effects of maternal with- or may feel very awkward expressing physical affec- holding on children, especially on female offspring. tion. Her inhibited response to her children is very We use the term withholding to imply that mothers similar in style to the manner of withholding she actually hold back or inhibit their positive responses. manifests toward her husband. The implication is that these feelings really do exist. Women's sexual withholding has a powerful ma- but they are suppressed or repressed. thereby restrict- nipulative effect on men with whom they are in- ing expressive behaviors. The daughter's peripheral volved. In general. the extent to which a man is awareness that affectionispotentially available sexually attracted to his partner is very dependent on causes her to develop powerful longings and emo- her honest, sexual wanting. Men tend to blame them- tional hunger for physical contact. selves for any lack of to their part- In cases in which the woman was loved and ners regardless of circumstances. Even when they are cared for initially and later was not responded to or outwardly critical and fault-finding with the women inconsistently responded to. a pull is exerted that has in their lives, men are extremely self-critical and an addictive quality. She feels compelled to try to self-destructive on this particular issue. recapture the love she once experienced, and this Although many women eventually become desperate search persists into her adult life, distorting withholding in long-term sexual relationships, nev- her relationship with her husband and children. ertheless, there are numerous disguised manifesta- tions of this pattern, such that even a woman who is overtly sexualiy aggressive may be acting in a way to Effects of Repressing the Original provoke rejection without being aware of her actions. Physical Attraction to the Mother These women tend to blame men for not making love Sexual Withholding. A mother who is intolerant to them and have evidence to back up their com- of accepting love from her daughter creates a feeling plaints. However, most men find it difficult to re- in the child that her physical touch is unacceptable or spond when the woman's seductive behavior does not even repulsive. This deep-seated belief causes the reflect an honest desire for sexual intimacy. At this child to develop a strong feeling of being unlovable. point, most men resort to sexua: fantasy or increased and she ultimately sees herself as different from other physical movement in order to attempt to completv women, undesirable, or unattractive to men. In addi- the sex act. tion, reactions of rage because of the early frustration In many cases, insecure women have a strong ol her desire for physical contact can lead to an need to control every aspect of the sex act. i.e.. the immature fixation on the mother or substitute objects time, the place, the position, and movements and the and a variety of sexual disturbances. Perversely, the frequency of the couple's sexual relations. My clini- anger generated causes the young woman to rely cal experience has shown that many women attempt heavily on repres.sion and to move closer to her to control the amount of sexual gratification they mother. This alliance plays a significant role in her receive from their partners. even when they find sexual withholding as an adult. sexual experiences fulfilling. Sexual withholdingrefers to the holding back of In conclusion, the psychodynamics involved in one's natural sexual desire and its expressions: physi- sexual withholding are similar in some respects to cal al feet ion, touching, qualities and physical charac- those manifested in postpartum disturbances. al-

The Glendon Association (310) 552-0431 though the symptoms may be less dramatic. The gest that feminist literature and approaches based on withholding woman has reverted to a regressed state malice and animosity toward men are extremely dam- in which she desires to be fed. symbolically. In effect. aging to women. despite the fact that they represent she is striving for an unfeeling, automatic connection. a movement in the right direction, politically and similar to her original bond with her mother, and economically. Thus. women walk a fme line in fight- tends to lose empathy and genuine feeling for her log for their rights as equals. and. at the same time, husband. Although she may remain adult or mature not turning against a part of themselves that is basi- in her work or career (behaving logically and ration- cally loving and naturally drawn to men. ally), on a deeper emotional level she has retreated into an inward, immature state of being. She is once REFERENCES again her mother's daughter. guilty about sex, dis- Badinter, E. (1981).Mother love: Myth and real- trustful of men, and self-hating. Renouncing her ity: Motherhood in modern history.New York: strivings toward meaningful goals in her life leads to Macmillan. (Original work published 1980.) increased dependence on maternal substitutes and Bloch, D. (1978)."So the witch won't eat me- : symbolic reinstatement of the bond with her mother. Fantasy and the child's fear of infanticide. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. SUMMARY Bloch, D. (1985). The child's fear of infanticide BecaLse the mother is generally the kLy figure in and the primary motive force of defense. the faintly, she plays a central role in its emotioid Psychoanalytic Review. 72.573-588. stability. The withholding tendencies in the mother Bowen. M. (1976). Theory in the practice of have an enormous impact on her sons and on her psychotherapy. In P.J. Guerin. Jr. (Ed.),Family daughters and are perpetuated within the context of Therapy: Theory and practice(pp. 42-90). the new fainily. when the daughter. now mother. New York: Gardner Press. emerges as the most significant figure. Brazelton. T. B. (1973). Effect of maternal Our clinical experience with a specialized par- expectations on early infant behavior.Early ents' group has demonstrated that self-awareness of and Care. 2.259-273. hostile as well as nurturing feelings can have a con- Caplan. P. J. (1981).Between women: Lowering structive effect on a mother's efforts to minimize the barriers.Toronto: Personal Library. damage to her offspring. We have observed progress Chemin. K. (1985).The hungry self: Women. in women as they have come to understand the divi- eating, and identity.New York: Times Books. sion in themselves between their strivings toward Deutsch. H. (1944).The psychology of women: A independence and sexual fulfillment and the debili- psychoanalytic interpretation(Vol. 1). New tating tie to their mothers. As they brmk down this York: Grune & Stratton. bond, they allow themselves more fulfillment and Deutsch. H. (1945).The psychology of women: A manifest a stronger identity. Paradoxically, learning psychoanalytic interpretation: Vol. 2. Mother- to deal with this side of one's personality and under- hood.New York: Grune & Stratton. standing the sources of this aggression relieves a Fierman. L. B. (Ed.). (1965).Effective psychother- woman's guilt feelings rather than creating further apy: The contribution of Ilellinuth KaiserNew guilt reactions and self-hatred. Recognizing the sub- York: Free Press. tle manifestations and :Mils of maternal hostility Fimstone, R. W. (1984). A concept of the primary has value both as an explanatory principle and as a fantasy bond: A development%1 perspective. method tor minimizing the detrimental effects. Psychotherapy. 21.218-225. We contend that when women are alienated from Firestone. R. W. (1985).The fantasy bond: Struc- men and have strong sexist views, these attitudes ture of psychological defenses.New York: have an even greater detrimental effect on them than Human Sciences Press. cultural processes that deprive them of their full Firestone. R. W. ( I987a). Destructive effects of the rights and potentiality. Indeed, guilt and anxious at- fantasy bond in couple and family relation- tachment to the mother that perseverate into adult life ships.Psychotherapy.24. 233-239. senotisly impede women in their search for equality. maturity. and independence. Furthermore. we sug-

The Glendon Association 11 (310) 552-0431 Firestone. R. W. (1987b). The "voice: The dual Rheingold. J. C. (1964.)The fear of being a nature of guilt reactions.American Journal of woman: A theory of maternal destructiveness. Psychoanalysis. 47.210-229. New York: Grune & Stratton. Firestone. R. W. (1988).Voice therapy: A Rheingold. J. C. (1967).The mother, anxiety. and psychotherapeutic approach to self-destructive death: The catastrophic death complex.Boston: behavior.New York: Human Sciences Press. Little. Brown. Friday, N. (1977).My motherlmy self: The Rich. A. (1976).Of woman born: Motherhood as daughter's search for identity.New York: experience and institution.New York: W. W. Delacorte Press. Norton. Genevie, L.. & Margolies. E. (1987).The mother- Rosberg. J.. & Karon. B. P. (1959). A direct ana- hood report: I low women feel about being lytic contribution to the understanding of post- mothers.New York: Macmillan Publishing Co. partum psychosis.The Psychiatric Quarterly. Karpel. M. (1976). Individuation: From fusion to 33(2),296-304. dialogue.Family Process. 15(1).65-82. Silverberg, W. V. (1952).Childhood experience Klaus, M. H.. & Kennel!. J. H. (1976).Maternal- and personal destiny: A psychoanalytic theory infant bonding.St. Louis: C. V. Mosby. of neurosis.New York: Springer Publishing. Klein. M. (1964).Contributions to psycho- Suitor. J. J. (1987). Mother-daughter relations analysis 1921-1945.New York: McGraw-Hill. when married daughters return to school: (Original work published 191.8) Effects of status similarity.Journal of Marriage Laing. R. D. (1972).The politics 1 the family and and the Family, 49.435-444. other essays.New York: Vintar Books. Wexler. J.. & Steidl, J. (1978). Marriage and the (Original work published 1969) capacity to be alone.Psychiatry, 41 .72-82. Lerner. H. G. (1988).Women in therapy. J. (1982).Couples in collusion: The Northvale. NJ: Jason Aronson. unconscious dimension in partner relationships Parr. G. (Producer and director). (1987).Parental (W. lnayat-Khan & M. Tchorek. Trans.). Clare- ambivalenceI Video I. Los Angeles: Glendon mont, CA: Hunter House. (Original work Association. published 1975)

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