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VOLUME 00 NUMBER 0 DOCTERN MARCH 20,1989 Girl trapped in hairspray hell for hours By Cal Kulluss Public Safety officers collaborated ened excess hairspray. and inspected Borden. Realizing that West and two other women in the with Health Services staff on Thurs- "She was just in there spraying her she was unable to move and also that bathroom at the time of the incident day, March 16, in an effort to free a hairspray," reported witness Tricia the lingering fumes presented a health were treated for excess hairspray in girl from a hardened shell of hair- West, "and it got really cloudy in the hazard, Jones closed the bathroom and their lungs. Hairspray molecules were spray. bathroom, but she kept saying her appealed to Health Services for assis- even found in a blood sample of one Roxie Annette Borden was spray- bangs 'just weren't sticking up tance. of the young ladies. ing her hair in the bathroom by the enough.' So she kept spraying it, and Health Services staff tipped Borden Public Safety officials are consider- Brick Lounge when apparently she all of a sudden, she was just kinda like over onto a gurney and wheeled her ing limiting hairspray use to no more sprayed too much. It wasn't clear, still and stiff-looking." to their offices. Once inside, five vol- than 1.5 ounces of hairspray per however, whether she suffered first West then left the bathroom and unteers chiseled through the hardened application. Contenders of this pro- from complications arisen from in- reported the incident to a passing shell of hairspray and released Bor- posal claim that the rule would be un- halation of hairspray fumes or was Public Safety officer, Tom Jones. Offi- den, who remained somewhat giddy enforceable, as well as an infringe- just paralyzed into place by the hard- cer Jones cleared out the bathroom for hours. ment on female rights.

Drop/Add is History Top: Public Safety and Health Services carefully remove Roxle By A. Nonymous said Holly Weaver. "We got to know from her bathroom prison each other really well during those Top Left : Borden just won't budge! photot "* *"" Dov" There seems to be a growing prob- seven hours. I think it's a pity thai, lem presenting itself these days in col- they've sped things up." leges all over the United States. No, "Yeah," John replied. "Now people it's not that the Cafeteria is serving will have to go to singles bars. At least bad food or the dorms are cramped. In the drop-add was free." fact, some people don't even view it as The Pretty Fast computer system a bad thing ... though of course it is. was newly installed in all major uni- Left: The crises has been nicknamed versities. Reports have it that the sys- The way things "Express Drop/Add Lines" by per- tem is fast, easy to learn, 100 percent turbed faculty and staff. correct, and best of all no one is use to be "It's awful," commented one stu- needed to run it. PF is a fully auto- Bottom: Toby dent, "the line moved so [deleted] fast mated system that requires no human Schartz hasnt that I didn't have time to think!" assistance. A prime example of this is evident realized that the Faculty is highly upset by this 1 at U of P where a typical line lasts alarming new development, because it "PF line has about two minutes. Students are used has cost them several hundred jobs. moved already to waiting at least five or six hours to "No computer can offer the warmth change one class, so they were able to and understanding of a human being. plan out their new schedules while Besides, how do I pay the rent," stated they sat. Also, many new friendships one of the staff who had been replace. were formed in this manner. People There may be a temporary solution used to talk to the person next to them ahead, as staffs across the nation plan out of sheer boredom. to strike against the PF installations by "I met my husband John while I forming picket lines to prevent stu- was standing in the drop-add line," dents from entering. Not surprisingly, INSIDE THIS ISSUE,..

What's Wrong 2 OAU climbs mt 3 Meet Zanetta White 4 Lost Virgins 6 2. Monroe Doctrine. March 20, 1989.

ltiiitfjM DocrnuDm What's wrong with the world todays What I wanna talk to you about tournament, and they use girls' boobs MCC (and their friends) for about two save your money for your future. It today is the Student Senate and the to advertise it. How cheap. But then years. And sexism too. Beacause that shouldn't be too hard, though, if you way they handled that volleyball again, everythoing's that way lately! actually has gotten much lesser in the do something you really enjoy. That's beach trip thing. That was just really Yeah, forget all that stuff I said about past several decades, and time will why writers write. They have just this poor judgement on their part. I mean, the Senate and their friends, because take care of that. But what's really wonderful way of communicating, to blindly give $1,000 to that team, that's not important. What's really important is making sure you get the through writing. And not only that, without even checking it out? All it bad is sexism. Sexism in today's best deal for your money. When you but they respect one another's work, takes is a look at that "Spring Games socity. Ever see that car commercial buy a car, you expect it to last. Not and never, ever steal it, or take others' U.S.A." pamphlet to see that that where showgirls dance around and break down at 6,001 miles when you ideas, or take credit for anothers' tournament is a big joke!! It's nothing sing, "Deals, deals, deals?" What in Tiave a 6,000 mile guarantee! And car ideas. Just forget all that stuff about but pictures of great-looking people in the world do showgirls have to do maintenance, too. When they say they the beach trip, and sexism. I didn't small bathing suits on the sand, with the quality of a car? I mean, do fixed it, they really should have fixed know what I was really talking about mostly flirting or drinking beer. And you get to take one of them home with it, because after all, you depended on then. Or saving money and working they pretend that it was an important you in the back seat of it? Because them. With vour own hard-worked- hard, I mean, that stuff is great, but it's time to represent MCC but since they that has nothing to do with a car. for money, too. Yeah, forget all that not as important as this. As being didn't let anyone but their friends What's really important is getting a stuff I said about that stupid beach honest and not plaigarizing. That's know about it for tryouts . . . well, I good deal for your car. Forget about trip and sexism and cars. Because what I really meant to say. Thank just get a little suspicious, don't you? all that stuff I said about the student working hard, that's what's really You. But, that pamphlet really is senate and sexism. I mean, you only important. Working hard and making something. It's supposed to be a real have to deal with the student senate of a decent living. To be honest. And Letters Senate at work

Being groomed right now, in room 3-119, for future positions of glory and honor in our State Senate, State As- sembly, House of Representatives, U.S. Senate, or even the White House, are an aggregate accumulation of stuffed shirts called the MCC Student Senate. Do they really have any spe- cific function? If a State Senator needs only maintain an office, have his staff tell you they will have him or her re- turn your call, and have an "official" Volleyball player Veronica Carron of Broome CC, after a fall on the beach from missing the ball. Carron, like some of MCC's nameplate adorn their desk, then these volleyball players, is suspected to have made the team for reasons other than her excellence in athletic ... er, uh, Student Senators are destined for fu- volleyball ability. o Jan Cobb ture greatness. This group represents decadently abet their invisible allies, you (yes, that's right you) the student. Jimmy Page: the best!! Revolt!! REVOLT!! the Ku Klux Klan, Dan Quayle, and "Isn't that special?" To The Editor: To The Editor: Vegetarians. Should you ever drop by to see Diverting funds from cafeteria these representatives, just leave your Jimmy Page is the greatest guitar As I am sure all you facist bully- cooking supplies and the reserves for name and they will get back at you. player there ever was, and I mean it. boys know, the right to free speech staff computer operators during Matters of great impotence pass There's no one better than him, man! has been malevolently ripped from the registration, this burgeoning omnipo- through their office, in one ear and out He is the greatest thing that ever hap- furtive grasp of the repressed tent, totalitarian, impenitent regime the other. I have heard to get in tight pened to the Yardbirds, and they bet- proletariat by the iron fisted, has deliniented a plan to overthrow with this group would make one privy ter never forget it either. Jimmy Page plutocratic governings of the next evil the campus bookstore. The prices of to hear some excellent gossip. Rumor is boss. That other guy that did the empire, the Student Senate. The books have been raised dramatically has it that the tree that miraculously survey, well, what does he know. All assemblage of gangrenous Aryan war and hidden cameras have been in- appeared in the center of their room he did was survey a whole lot of mu- mongers have stifled the meagei stalled to oversee rebels so that no was "sent down by God as a symbol of sic store employees to see what they needs of the common man, only to | Continued on page 5 | their right to rule the Student Body think. And what do they know? Man, with an Iron Fist." (Shudder) I have every single Jimmy Page album As I myself only work one day per ever and I'm even listening to one year, I can empathize with their dili- now, I even listen to it in my speech, Editor-in-Grief Mauling Kozawlinelzinsky gence at the job. It takes a lot of think- so there. Faulty Advisor Mug Schtooks ing to get through the day without ac- Ewes Editor Ronnie Morewrath tually doing anything. By the end of From Ann Dupyourz Creatures Editor Dennis Theminis each day this pompous, self-righteous Trick Photographer Ben Dover group must be mentally overtaxed. Warts Editor Cnris Bombs Rumor also has it that only a few of Containment Editor Car Blowzup them have been treated at the health ToMD: Get real! Prediction Manager '• Noet office this semester for straining their To The Editor: Office Babysitter Biff Meager arms while trying to pat themselves Displayman Ager •• p- C°ck on the back. Support your Student Hype Starter Keez MacMuff.n Senate - they don't do much, but be- I think that you are a poor excuse for a newspaper. You can't write, and Staff Peons Hammond Eggs, Indy Daytime, ing a Student Senator sure looks great Max Wellhouse, Ann Doall, Barf Ittap on a resume. when you do write only tacky stuff. Lee Why do you only write about things Reproduction Staff Vitalone By S. Claus like the volleyball tournament when Rotography Staff Jef Recookit, John Holmes, there are other things that are really William G. Gruff, Blob Burry-Lee

great going on around here, like the The Monroe Doctrine Is published every Monday by the students at Monroe Community College The Forum's Best of Thursdays thing. Ev- ortntom expressed in the MD are not necessarily those of the administration, student body or faculty. Columnists expressed opinions do not ncessarily reflect those of the MD. Bes/dej the staff of the MX). ery Thursday they (with the help of ^nrZte Z%Tsponsible for anything written or Implied due to the fact mat we have wired a The Monroe Doctrine tSZSncetoou, curmnt medication and Health Services has not gotten us our supply of ^r^eyet I, SAPB) get a special name for the day anybody out there? Helo.neHo? Stop looking atmeL.Jm not looking at you,.yes you t™-"™^ ™° and for each food too (like on Febru- yoCTP7. Oh no. here come, my nurse with an injection! -^>^Y 'X,"?,!^ is looking for management regrrets this hterruptton....Have a nice day...Wow look at all the blood. ary 9, that was Soul Day and they YOU! The Donroe Moctrlne could eat Ray Charles collard greens). Monroe Community College That would make a great article! And I Right down the hal across from the bookstore Call 424-5200, ext. 2540, or west of the senate, not quite to Health Services. stop by room 3-104 for details. would read it. Not stuff like the vol- Its on the way to the caffeterta only downstoin You cant ml» tl But whot do you care nobody ever leyball tournament. reads this little tiny print anyway. I'm probably just taking to rrryielf Sue Kennel Monroe Doctrine. March 20, 1989 3. Baffling authorites, OAU climbs Mt. Everest

By Larl Kivergood This reporter was curious. How did money in the contingency fund so we trying to figure out the how and why Recently, the O.A.U. club (Outdoor they complete such a grueling feat on floated bad bonds to cover our ex- of the trip and if any charges are Activities Unlimited) went to climb low provisions? Brian DeBatts, leaders penses and traded some small arms to pending on the club. There seems to the treacherous north face of Mt. of the climbing portion of the trip, the Contras in return for our subma- be some question of the school's ju- Everest. This was the first time a club explains. "Well, we knew some of the rine ride to India, where we started risdiction in the Himalayas. This from MCC has ever attempted such an members weren't going to make it, so the land portion of our trip." When paper will keep you informed as de- endeavor. In fact, they are the first when they keeled over we broke out asked if this wasn't a bit unethical, tails develop. climbing team from any community with some Al sauce and onions and Karl, trip spiritual advisor and chief Meanwhile, the O.A.U. wants to college to even accept the challenge. cooked 'em up." When asked if he was person in charge of things that aren't announce a planned trip to the moon When queried as to what made them worried about the possible concern usually kept in charge of, replied, "If in May; anyone is welcome. Fundrais- decide to try at what so many others over this Brian remarked "Naa." it's good enough for banks and presi- ing is to start immediately, as this before them have failed, one member, Things didn't actually turn out too dents it's good enough for us." The looks to be an expensive trip. K.L., replied, "We were hoping we'd bad. Out of 20 people on the expedi- club's co-president commented, Members will be auctioning off Build- find some gnarly moguls dude, you tion, only six didn't make it back, and "Peace, love, vegetables." ings 1 and 10 (staff included) as the know, like, the skiing around here is only three were lost on the mountain. first part of the drive. Help them out if so lame, we like, decided to go The other disappearances were School officials are still baffled by you can in this truly worthwhile elsewhere." vaguely described as "party related the incident, and are at this moment effort. Thus, not only did the club become accidents." one of the elite in the world of climb- With the memory of volley/scam ing, they also did it with limited still fresh in my mind, I decided to provisions, as they had to eliminate find out how this club managed to fi- Couch stolen from MD office some non-essential accessories like nance such a trip. I talked to the club An investigation is pending to find Editor Holly Kozelsky prepared to food and water so that each member secretary, A.K.A. "Margaret," who a couch that was stolen from the take a nap on the couch when she dis- could pack his/her skis along. informed me, "Well, there was no Monroe Doctrine office early last covered that it was missing. week. "I looked everywhere," she reports. "First I looked under the piles of pa- The steel-blue colored small-sized pers and stuff, and then I looked to see LAST CHANCE couch had belonged to the MD office if they snuck it into the darkroom. It (because no one wanted the other last 3 chances) for days, and had become an integral wasn't there, so I plowed through the to sign up for the part of not only the furnishings of the material at Ken's [Dennis, features office, but served as a very needed editor] and it wasn't there either. BAHAMAS/ piece of equipment, too. Then on "That's when I thought, we have a Thursday, March 9, Monroe Doctrine problem here," she adds. DAYTONA BEACH Editors Chris Thorns and Carl HELD TRIPS ! Rosenfield were unavailable for comment, but it is rumored that they Tired of school days with teachers? Well, now you can pay $500 made speculations about how the to spend your vacation nights with SA administrators, too! couch was removed and concluded that they cannot tolerate such immoral For more info follow the loud TV volume to SA hall's displays. behavior. Rumors have reached the staff that

The EVENT of the year The Monroe Doctrine has one or two vacancies in the Early February he charged features department - drop by! $ 1,300 to speak to 35 people ... Now let's see what an audience Call 424-5200, ext. 2540, or $2,600 will bring .. . stop by room 3-104 for details.

BRYCE BRITCHES is returning Introducing... Don't miss it. Wednesday, 3/1, 12:00 Advanced Alphabet (ABC 201) A follow-up to ABC 101 Covers L-Z, including ... 'Dispelling the elemenope myth *Why U follows Q *Which cursive letter looks like a number All interested drop by the English office Prerequisites: Beginners' Alphabet (ABC 101), or pass a pre-course test.

.50 FULL/PART TIME (sounds good, doesn't it?) (Presented by the Monroe Community College -*-C\ VIXEN 'Division of Arts and humanities' 'Director and ffi\ VL MARKETING CORPORATION the Student !Assotiaiton 'Program 'Boards Advisor, "A^TS WOW is sure to Bore you, e?q)and our horizons, stretch our limits, and leave Vixen Marketing Corporation ail the seats empty. ( ( < c is looking for people qualified to harass others over the ITS CMCayrrME B EQi >&(i Hg... phone at all hours. Starting rate is $8.50 full-time, $3.75 part. You will be classified as part-time, but will receive Monroe Community College Student Activitity's full time hours! Flexible schedules available. 9{ezv Public Relations Tool. Qet stucf^zuith us for No experience needed. Will train. the "'Beginning" and you'll sure be glad to escape Call 765-4321 for viewing. Tight skirts and low cut blouses will before the end. increase your chances of getting hired. 4 Monroe Doctrine. March 20, 1989.

FEATURES JnCNHOX DOCTRQTK Meet Zanetta White, Head of CTPO The Monroe Doctrine is beginning a new series of articles entitled Campus Spotlight. Each week we will meet an interesting character around campus, and highlight his achievments and contributions to MCC. Today we meet Zanetta White, who indeed performs a crucial service to all of the MCC community: Ms. White is the Head of Campus Toilet Paper Operations

not to wait for me to get out. I've seen Ms. White stepped out into the some cute little sights in here." hallway, smiling a warm smile and As we rolled her large cart up the gripping my hand in a hearty hall to Building Five, she explained to handshake. "I'll be right out in a me the exclusivity of her job. "I don't minute," she said in her trademark do nothing but this," she said. "I don't greeting. do the sinks. No paper towel refilling. Zanetta White, MCC's dedicated And I don't have to clean the porcelin, Head of Campus Toilet Paper the mirrors, or anything else." Operations-or HOCTPO, as she "It takes someone special to do affectionately refers to her role- is this," she related. "Once last year I indeed a busy woman. Rather than was sick, so some substitute took my take time out from her obligations to place. God, the place was a mess!" the students, staff, faculty, and Pressed for an explanation, she administration, she invited me to join continued. "For one thing, the ends of her as she made her rounds. the toilet paper were all stuck to the First we travelled to the bathrooms roll. So if you had a brand new roll, in the Brick Lounge area. There the you had to keep clawing it to get any. perils of her job were obvious, but she And it was put in backwards! You bravely continued with her work.. can't have just any old amateur doing "Gotta watch out for that hairspray in this." here," she said with a small cough; White credits her expertise to "this is where all those girls go to re- twelve years of experience. Her entry plaster their hair." The guys' into the world of toilet paper Zenetta smiles after servicing 3-116 A bathroom in the Brick Lounge, she distribution was as a full-bathroom "There I was in charge of all that says, is not quite so bad. "In fact," she janitor at Brighton High School. about getting caught with your pants stuff: sinks, mirros, porcelin, down!" she said. added, "it can be kinda fun. Some of It didn't take long for White to the guys get kinda insolent and decide everything," she says. 'The school just "But it's not all fun and games," she realize that toilet paper filling was her wasn't big enough for me to branch reminded me. "In fact, I don't do it true calling. "That's when I applied out." very often: only when I need a laugh." for the position at Xerox. I worked An MCC employee since then, As well as making sure that every there for a few years." White had the full chance for her single toilet paper dispenser in the White soon became bored with her talent to blossom. school is filled at all times, White is in job there, and yearned for more of a In Building Four she showed me charge of the toilet paper inventory, a challenge. "Xerox people were just the fun in her job. In the ladies' complicated task. like Brighton Hign Schoolers, only a bathroom, she parked her toilet paper White works eight hours a day, five ittle bit grown up," she said. 'Then a cart in front of a stall, blocking a girl days a week. In her absence, part- iend suggested MCC." in. After that, we scouted out the timers follow her explicit directions. men's bathroom until we were sure it When White is not at work, she ANYONE FINDING A PATROL CAR, LAST SEEN FLOATINQTN POOL PLEASE CONTACT DAN A.K.A. CRASH . CAN BE was well occupied. Then, with a enjoys several hobbies and listening to REACHED AT HESSMART flourish, she opened the door to the her favorite radio station, 98 PXY. musical shout "Cleaning Lady!" "Talk Where's the beef? Some found in Burger! SUN & FUN Real beef was found in a Serv- statement: "Damn! I sure hope we Wrong hamburger on Tuesday, March don't run out of the imitation meat March 25 - April 1 14, sparking an investigation to see if again. It's a pain in the *#@! to have to real meat is in some of their other buy some, and only real stuff was dishes as well. Some even speculate available." BERMUDA TRIANGLE that there may occasionally be real The student who ate the suspected & TEHRAN cheese in some foods. burger was taken to Health Services Serv-Wrong declined to comment, for an examination. Unlike the usual but an MD roving reporter hid in the condition of most Serv-Wrong pa- • •• kitchen and overheard the following trons, this man still had an average pulse rate, his shin had a healthy Terrorist Special color, and he was breathing normally. College Visits to MCC His teachers in his after-lunch class On flight 13 were surprised, stating, "his even Complete package - only $514 The following colleges would not breathing and healthy body state dis- 'Seat next to real terrorist only $75 more be caught dead associating with MCC, turbed the rest of the class [who had Turbans and sunshades sold! so will not be here on the following eaten the normal Serv-Wrong food], dates during college hour: who were trying hard to sit still in their seats and cough." Bermuda Triangle March 20 Harvard Follow-up tests indicate that the March 22 Broome CC Serv-Wrong food is now back to Paddle boat tour - from $685 March 24 Princeton Row boat tour - from $495 normal. Walk/swim tour - from $465

LAST TIME TO SIGN UP! Research Papers Essays 5 p.m., March 24 at the Not enough time to party and socialize? table (with TV) in SA Hall 1 Homework got you down? (by Bookstore) Call Papers-R-Us 555-6191 Monroe Doctrine. March 20, 1989 5. MD pulls in second place in National contest

"I was very honored," said "I was very honored," she related. lead in the quality paper market, and staff chose instead to print some of the eleven letters criticizing the Senate Monroe Doctrine Editor H "Actually, I was on 'vacation' that feel that it is important to share our week so didn't really have a part in it. insights and methods with the future and the team. The National Enquirer Kozelsky, accepting the But if I knew that this would've been generation of journalists." judges also gave their nod of approval such a good issue, I would've defi- to the words "it sucks" printed in large award for the infamous nitely been there." Kozelsky adds re- The representative cited specific letters on the front page. "Volleyball Issue." gret that she didn't involve UFOs and reasons why the February 27 issue The judges, however, chided the alien babies in the volleyball article. was recognized for the award. First of Monroe Doctrine staff for not includ- The National Enquirer College "We might've come in first if we did all, the issue followed the general vol- ing advertisers promoting breast size Newspaper Division has awarded a that," she adds. leyball team there. Rather than bore increase through telephone relayed second-place rating to an edition of The National Enquirer sponsors the readers the image of objective report- meditation or articles about alien ba- the Monroe Doctrine. competition each year in order to en- ing, the Feb. 27 paper gave the idea bies born on earth. The February 27 edition won this courage interesting journalism in col- that the Monroe Doctrine held a coveted honor in a March 12 awards lege newspapers. "We want to help vendetta against the Student Senate Kozelsky could only respond to ceremony. Editor Holly Kozelsky these student papers facilitate interest and Program Board. And also, rather that, "there was a staff shortage that shipped her 2:00 class to flyt o Dayton, and readership," said a National En- than print the letter from a Student week, but we'll try better next time." Ohio, to accept the award. quirer representative. "We hold the Senator criticizing the MD, the MD Co-op offers a Criminal Justice Program to just die for citing program that any sadist or cor- only a couple years. Think of that! You how most people in that field get to By A. Nonymous ruptist can join and have a good time: can smoke a joint, kill off your neigh- such high and honorable positions as, the Criminal Justice Program. bor, and know that even if you get a for example, Supreme Court Justices. Co-op education is a work study Do you feel that the present judicial life sentence you'll be out on parole But wait, there's more! If you are program here at MCC. You work, you system is in favor of the criminal? after only five or six years at the most. one of those individuals who enjoy earn, you learn, and you even get paid You're probably right. Do you feel that With proper planning, you can save beating people about the head and if you're lucky. You spend long, justice in the American society and enough money to pay your 500 thou- shoulders with a nice large stick, and sweaty hours at a job of your choice. government is, in fact, a thing of the sand dollars for bail. love to see the blood... anyways, come Sound like fun yet? There is now a past? The statistics show that murder- Well then, if this sort of thing both- on down to the Co-op Ed office and new (not improved, just new) and ex- ers and drug dealers are released after ers you, become a part of the Criminal get some more wonderfully enter- Justice Program. Enjoy the benefits of taining pamphlets, notes, lectures, gaining valuable experience to apply promos, letters, and so forth. All that's in your future job; when you make the required is a 2.0 average and an Desperate students get a chance at romance. laws, and you sit all nice and cozy in a extremely sick mind. cushy three story, split level house Please contact... ift SeetheSAPB's ^ ^ with three white Cadillacs in the fF DATING GAME Fd*™ driveway, expensive deco paintings Mr. A. Nonymous was axed to death by a man on parole. LIVE in the Brick Lounge on the walls, a wide screen TV and lots of the taxpayers' money to waste The man was originally sentenced Wednesday, March 23 on going away for that yearly trip to for the brutal slaying of his wife and Hawaii to have an affair with that cute children, and has been released on * Only girls in tight shirts admitted Polynesian man or woman. good behavior. Have a nice day. Free transportation to the local drugstore for the winners Learn to blackmail judges and lawyers in court and out, since that's

REVOLT!! Continued from page 2 J subterfuge from idyllic individuals tion that has MCC teetering on the may impair the workings of,their ma- edge of purgatory. Revolt! I say. Re- terialistic, sycophantic, pawns of per- volt! Revolt! The narcicististic, politi- secution - Public Safety. cal, Satan-worshipping anti-infidels Class Rings These stormtroopers of death will can't hold us off forever! Revolt! The quality. The craftmanship. stop at nothing to insure conformity, The Reward you deserve, though most can be identified by their Sincerely, Marvin (Sid) Pipick You'd be an ass not to get one cringing to the statement "Billy Gra- ham has hemoroids." Some may even Note: The Monroe Doctrine wishes be temporarily disabled. to say that the above opinions are not As the everyman, I state that we necessarily those of the staff, nor are must band together to destroy this they those of Mr. Pipick if he has culturally myopic society of destruc- taken his medication.

Tired of classes? Can't get up in time? Getting bored? Then send one of us to cover for you! We are makeup/disguise artists, very talented in voice and handwriting mimics as well. Don't be counted absent again! Call 555-2091 * Extra fee for replacement on test days.

VETVUCES & Don't miss this What is it? The staffs clique's magazine. opportunity to get What is its purpose? To spotlight the staff and their FartCarved style and friends for their ... talent... in prose, poetry, art, quality at an and photography. assinine price! Can anyone submit? Sure, anyone can submit... How? By leaving 10,000,000 notes on our door, then finally giving up on us. Every day 9a.m. to 2 p.m. at the rear of the Bookstore e Can I be on the staff? I don't know; who do you hang around with? C WHH Deposil Required 6 Monroe Doctrine. March 20, 1989.

ENTER31AIIJMENT MOKTROE DOCTBUJTE Flip Side Oil Film By HL C. Denote

Caucasian +1 on Boom-Boom's acting. Tight camera LAY BACK AND ENTOY IT Virginity Lost work enhanced the scene. The scene Deaf Jam Records also examined solitude as Selena was The new film Lost Virgin left alone to handle her pent-up The latest assault on our morals Mountaineers is hard to describe. feelings. There must be a way to deal and values comes from Chicago-based By Ralph Tetta Though its action leaves the audience with being alone, and the audience felt rap artists Caucasian +1, a band de- squirming in their seats and the warm all over when she finally put a termined to out-Beastie the Beastie touching love scenes sent the audience finger on it. Boys. DJ. Fresh Not Frozen mixes ac- home in a romantic mood, it falls limp The three women were relieved tion and excitement while rappers House of Pancakes is an exercise in at the end. Its disappointing ending when they were discovered by the six Kool-Aid Jones and D.D.T. Laetril lay dance floor futility (who really needs a comes as a surprise considering the male rafters. It was easy to see the down the law with some of the fresh- 15-minute dance remix of the same potential that its full plot has. hurt in their eyes when, as the rafters est rhyming I've heard all year. Songs lousy song?). I thought I had a skip in Selena, Trixie and Boom-Boom are went right by them at first, it looked as like Shut Up Woman, Get Off My my record until I looked real close at three intelligent, sensitive young if they were shafted. But when the Gold and Remote Control In Effect are the needle and saw that the damn mountaineers engulped in the depth women let out little squeals, the men bound to become hip-hop classics. thing was still moving. Don't buy this of the woods, lost while tracing a long took notice of the desperate three. If Caucasian +1 don't sweep the record, don't borrow it from your path up a large mountain. The film The men carefully examined the Grammys this year, I'll eat a sandwich. friends, and for God's sake, if the details their methods of survival and ladies' plight before the decided from These boys are inevitable, so lay back video comes on TV when you're coping together in both the physical which angle to approach them. The and enjoy it. home, go outside until it's over. Ex- and emotional sense. women accepted their advance tended exposure to this garbage Indeed, the bond that these three warmly, sharing their vulnerabilities causes brain cancer. Split Ends women form while lost together is with the capable men,who LICK ME BUT LOVE ME touching. Their optimism rises and surrounded them with caring and Mousse Abuse Records falls with the situations they filled them with comfort. Christian Burial encounter, and their seclusion from The nine finally emerged breathless I know that pop-metal is in this GAME OF DEATH society gives them the opportunity to from the woods, sharing between year, but we have to draw the line explore the very depths of themselves. Rusty Metal Records them the touching experience that no somewhere. Spiky hair-dos do not a They come to revealing personal and one else could comprehend, the song make, nor recycled AC/DC riffs group revelations about eachother as This record is, without a doubt, the experience that made not only them a band. When are these hair farmers they share their experiences. but the audience as well appreciate going to learn? best record ever recorded in the history of the music business. As a A particularly gripping scene came the delicacy of life and the importance Song titles like R U Reddy (To when Boom-Boom reassured a of sharing. rule, I don't like cover versions, but Rock), When the Going Gets Tough frightened Trixio about keeping warm when a band releases an album full of and I'm The One (Who Really, Really, and being protected from night them, you have to sit up and take no- Lost Virgin Mountaineers, playing Really Likes You Alot) are just terrors. Boom-Boom selflessly gave tice. Christian Burial are a bludgeon- locally, contains some nudity and indicative of the type of garbage that up her sleeping bag to squeeze in with adult situations. we've all heard before. These new ing three-piece from Birmingham, Trixie for the night. Since Trixie still "bad boys of rock 'n' roll" are just bad, England, and are not known for their remained rather listless and subtlety. Chainsaw bass and sore- Lost Virgin Mountaineers with a small b. inattentive, that particular scene rode rales «D. Just two more stupid questions: I throat vocals are provided by Marvin heard swirling keyboards behind ev- "Death Wish" Grimsley, lead guitar ery track on this album - why wasn't a credited to Abbey "Flamethrower" keyboard player credited? Also, the Leibowitz, and on the drums, William girl on the front cover of the album - "Stiff Elbows" Bryce. Together, these college camouflage what is that in her mouth and how did rock visionaries have breathed new it get there? Simply put, this record is life into such classics as Three Blind N A M U I D R U F L u s c M A pimply soot. Mice, Mary Had a Little Lamb and Mairzy Doats. Their gentle I M U N D M I L E K c I N U R orchestrations and break-neck What (Not What) choruses are magical to behold, and C U I 0 Y R u C R E M R E I I WAY COOL, DOG? the listener may never hear these Polysnore Records timeless treasures the same way again. 3 N 0 a 1 H M 3 S 1 3 a N I W "Flamethrower" Leibowitz outdoes Synth-pop is dead, and these guys himself on the solos to Scarborough I V M l n 1 V N 3 1 d w 3 1 V helped kill it. Fair and Woodstock and the bass solo Way Cool, Dog? is a dreary collec- by "Death Wish" Grimsley on I'm The B E C G T E G I T N D L C T T tion of boring, unnecessary spoken One (Who Really, Really, Really Likes word narratives backed by chaotic, You Alot) has to be heard to be be- L N u I R U A U U L K I A K N unentertaining "music" (?) - who lieved. Make sure you buy several writes this crap? The "real" songs copies and hoard them all away. K E B W L E N S 0 M N A R E 0 aren't that good either. Spy in the They're sure to move quickly. I A a 3 3 V V n 3 a n V 1 0 N

H 3 a M M n r 3 n 3 N 0 N I a W F R R V A s s A R A P C M E

S E D R 0 F N A T S M I U S H •fl ICni&ue "Pinlna Hxpatlence Can you find the hidden chemical colleges? •fit the Tetum II:OQ-2:OO.Oct. 20th IRON TITANIUM Experience the pleasantries of a KRYPTON TUNGSTEN LAWRENCIUM URANIUM charming Sunday afternoon drive this LEAD XENON Thursday at the Forum with . . . BRYN MAWR SYRACUSE CAL. TECH. TEMPLE Sunday Drive DUQUESNE TULANE Serving: BORON NEON Raouls' Road Kill Specials CADMIUM NEPTUNIUM Squished possum soup CARBON NICKEL RADCLIFFE YALE Tire tread bread, with . . . RENSSELAER YESHIVA Splattered bug spread RUTGERS Sponsored by Serv-Rite and SAPB Monroe Doctrine. March 20, 1989 7.

MOKTROE DOCTRINE

Sony! Not much of a sports section this week, because... Sports Editor captured by Xenomorphs

By Zeplatheltat Trnnz with a quote for him. plodes prematurely (convenient way dorous is the fact no one has ever Now we have posed as this so- to get rid of enemies, don't you succeeded in the holiness' one simple We are the Xenomorphs from the called "athletic scribe" and are here for think?). request. planet Xeno. The swine sports editor the first time in lowly Earth history to "Welcome to this mighty sports The high Xenomorph raises its of this pathetic newspaper has been report to you the sport of the event today," the great decision maker most sacred hand and addresses those taken captive by our elite forces. Xenomorphs, "llabressol." Zabre continues after the smoke in attendance and the airhe...er...I The members of our race have Llabressol is an event played by all clears. "Today the participants are as- mean athletes, "find the center of this monitored sports sections of newspa- Xenos from childhood. Two teams line sembled for the glorious prize," he circle," The anxious attackers charge pers for centuries, and we have found up on opposite sides of a circle. They says, while pointing to the circular towards the supposed middle and be- these segments to be appalling. The are made up of 61 champions, of past bronze trophy behind it, and is gin setting up their ten to the millionth Xenomorphs are the greatest sports and future generations of champions, accompanied by more sonic crowd power microscopes. participants ever. and one goalie. booms, and planet explosions. "Of "Llabressol continues on!" screams Never has there been one single re- The referee, who is considered a course you know the prize has never Lord Zabre in pure delight. port of our glorious games and we major deity among our culture, stands been claimed," truthfully states the This silly paper's sports editor may have been hunting these sports editors in the middle of the true ring high referee. No one has ever won the never be returned for I think I like it and writers since the discovery of (what's this boxing ring, it's square, glorious prize. here. I know all about Earth sports, planet Earth. oh you scumsucking humans, what What makes llabressol so splen- like this politics thing... Recently, Rick Woodson, and Mike blasphemy). Ryan of the Times-Union have been His imminence addresses the two marks for abduction. teams, who bow gratefully, and Those crafty little "humans" have speaks words of holy scripture. escaped time and time again so we set "My fellow Xenomorphs," the au- our sights on this paper. dience of 100,000,000 boom out such This Thorns dude was easily lured, tremendous shouts of rejoice that the we just posed as an MCC star athlete enemy planet of "oppinonental" ex-

Time is Money. Make the most of your extra time - join the [insert restaurant name here] team. We're looking for friendly people who know how to treat our customers right. Photo by Blob Burry-Lee We offer: This poor girl is now forced to go home and sleep, since someone stole the couch. • Competitive wages and tips ' Flexible hours • Team up with friendly people • Meal benefits r Continued from page 3 I sonally write a lengthy article about the couch is now part of a living room the situation disclosing their identity Come to [insert restaurant name here] today and talk setting that includes a large tree miss- in a large headline. to our manager. We're looking for a few good smiles. ing from the Senate office. Student "Just because people are in power Association Senator Ann Daponty or just have access to things around [restaurant name and address here] shares the MD staffs consternation. here doesn't mean that they have "We have no tolerance of theft the right to do as they wish," she [logo here] around here," she said. "And we espe- contended. cially can't believe someone would "I saw no couch - all I saw was a steal a living thing! Who is responsible space, and I was very upset that the for it?" space was missing," said Sports Editor Kozelsky adds that when the Chris Thorns. II thieves are discovered, she will per- "I don't know what couch you are Tarty I i talking about," added Photography Avoid the unnecessary steps . . . Tryouts for Myrtle Beach major Intracollegiate kickball Editor Dion Raymond; "besides, it was tournament will be held 3/20, 9:30 a.m. In the SAPB office. Don't just go home, get ready, go to party, get sick, too short." go home, get ready, go back to school save yourself some time!!!! SAVE LOTS OF For a mere $5 you can join the MD staff at the wildest party in town. MONEY!

Perms, cuts, coloring, When: Thursday nights trims, styling, you name it Where: Here (3-104) How late: Until 9 a.m. Friday mornings LIIMITED TIME OFFER

Free nose hair clipping Activities include: with every cut! X-acto knife dart games Expires Mar. 31 Garbage can basketball Chair rides up hall Newest Location at Soft wax formations art 22 Acacia Avenue Wrestling across from the Free pizza slices meat market Frog tossing The best dirty jokes in town All this and more! WONDERFUL BUTCHERS HAIRDOS The only place to go Call 722-0649. Hours: Anytime. No appointments needed 'cause we need *Bring an X-acto knife and get a 50-cent admissions discount your business. College Events

KlI IN I MCI ONLY $3.50 Tickets available at the MCC Student Center Service Desk

AIRMEN OF NOTE U.S. AIR FORCE JAZZ ENSEMBLE Marcl) 23

Monday, March 20, 1989 Sponsored by Serv-Rite and SAPB MCC College Theatre • 8 pm The 19th Annual MCClazz Festival will feature Airmen oj Note . one of America s fines! Big Bands Admission is complimentary, but ticket is necessary Call for information (424-5200 ext 2534) Available at the Student Center Service Desk INTRAMURALS RTS BUS STRESS PASSES

Any male or Female can participate. Faculty are rjjfjl! "' also invited and encouraged to come. This class L SHELLEY HIRSCH is FUN and at the same time gives your body and mind a relaxing workout to RELIEVE STRESS! VOCALIST TUESDAY 7pm to 8:30pm in the DANCE STUDIO DAVID WEINSTEIN THURSDAY 7:30pm to 9:00pm in the GYM MONTHLY BUS PASSES for 30.00 ELECTRONIC COMPOSER Contact Maria al 359-3754 or attend an informational meeting on Tuesday, 10 RIDES for 7.00 February 7th at 7:00, in the MCC Dance Studio 10. You may pick up the entry forms at the Intramural Office 10-114 Friday, March 24, 1989 or at the Intramural Hot File, located near the Student Center Service Desk FOR MORE INFORMATION you may check the Intramural MCC College Theatre • 8 pm Bulletin Board, or stop at our office 10-114. Blending an incredible range 0/ vocal virtuosity and pro- gressive electronic compositions. Hirsch and Wemstem have tradblazed into new territory in music TICKETS: MCC Community. Students and Senior Citizens - $3:00: General Public - $5 00 Available at the MCC Student Center Service Desk, or charge to Visa or Videos MasterCard (424-5200 ext. 2534) $ I 00 more at door IN THE BRICK LOUNGE Alonroe Community College REAK TH€ FORUm PR€S€NTS "Distinctive and appealing MICHfl€l P€flC€ characterizations..." - VARIETY "RfiPPCR" I'm fed up

, HH k Sun Susanna Hqffs, in her Motion Piclurv Oehut.

MARCH 22,1989 Check Times on Schedule Horn- lpm