FREE 09/11/00 Issue no: 993

Floods Part Global A Century 2: Photos Warming of Fakers Security Policy p3 p5 p9 p17 Great Balls Of Fire

The touring freak show turned out to be stranger than usual, last Wednesday in the Union. As the ‘Carnival of the Bizarre’ ended their performance, the Wacky Wednesday theme holding true, a surprise was in store for everybody, including the performers. During the performance where the audience were dazzled by the celebration of the weird and won- derful, we had seen sparks fly with the act where chain-saws were used on metal sheets attached to the performers’ bodies. Earlier on the Mongolian Laughing Boy had meat hooks attached to his penis but just in case that ordeal was not painful enough for him, he then ran on to the main stage and launched an enormous fireball, with some of the flames going on to the stage 1) Fireball Trick, 2) Face on Fire, 3) Man Runs Off to put Fire Out itself. However, all was not quite as it seemed with the finale. The laughing boy had inadvertently set light to his own face. He ran straight over to the curtain, to put Troubled Water the fire out on it, with most of the audience unaware that anything nd had gone wrong, believing it to beLast Thursday (2November), an incident tookthe union reception. was close to passing out, so security placed all part of the show. The laughingplace in the Student’s Union, which led to the Upon arriving at reception, security immedi-him in the recovery position, whilst still restrain- boy was taken straight to hospitallocal police becoming involved and a studentately took control of restraining the student,ing him. In the meantime, the union security by ambulance and treated forspending the night behind bars. who did attempt, unsuccessfully, to punchensured that all other students were able to burns. The first year Chemistry male was returningthem. They then asked for his union card,leave the union quickly and safely. The laughing boy has nowto university from a round of pub golf in town;which he refused to supply, and greeted the The police arrived within about ten minutes rejoined his touring colleges andhe was described by witnesses as in a drunkenrequested with a further attempt to assault aof being called and after the student attempted will be performing his act again,and abusive state, when he walked into themember of the security team. After managingto punch them as well; they decided to take him suffering no after-effects. It hasunion. The time was about 11:05pm and thereto once again restrain the gentleman, unionto the local station, where he spent the night in since become apparent that one ofwas no security on the door because at thissecurity rang for university security. the cells. He was released, without charge, the the reasons for the act goingtime their task is to ensure that any students Within a matter of minutes, the team fromfollowing morning. The student has since writ- wrong was that the performer usedstill in the building begin to vacate it. The stu-Senate House arrived, initially one, soon to beten an unreserved apology to all concerned lighter fuel instead of paraffin fuel. dent then proceeded to begin attacking anoth-joined by a further three. They took over theregarding his behavior that night, and it is er student, unprovoked, but due to the levels ofrestraining of the student. However, despitebelieved that no further action is being taken on By Luke Hickey alcohol he had consumed, the victim, believedadvice from the union security as to the conse-the incident. Photos by Alan Roy to be a friend of his attacker, was not injured inquences of attacking the senate security, he the attempted assault. After a time the victimattempted to punch a member of the SenateBy Luke Hickey. had managed to restrain his fellow student, byteam. Immediately the police were called. The which time security had arrived at the scene,drunken student then threw-up on the floor and Student Democracy: Have Your Say

With all these special working partiesCouncil, whose next meeting is on Tuesdaydiscussion. building. going on to improve the services of theat 1pm on the main Union dancefloor. Union Club, it is perhaps worth remem-Members of the various Union sub-commit-Topics under debate this Tuesday willDavid Abbott bering that there is already an in-depthtees, as well as representatives from allinclude the tricky issue of campus securityUnion Chair structure in place to ensure that theclubs and societies and all the Union offi-cameras and a proposed constitutional Union is entirely responsible to itscials are expected to attend (or send apolo-interpretation that will affect all religious and members. gies), but perhaps you did not know that allinternational societies. You can inspect a members of the Union are equally welcome,copy of the agenda and all submitted At the top of the tree, the supreme policy-and have the right to speak and vote on anymotions on the Union notice board immedi- making body of the Union is the Studentsubject raised, or even propose a motion forately opposite the main entrance to the

[email protected] News 1-3n Features 4-6, n Barearts 7 - 18n Lifestyle 20 n Sport 22-24 News 2 09/11/00 Editorial of the evening while I was left with grumbling of my stomach for the evening. D’oh Hopefully, you all managed to spot all the mistakes in Editorial Team last week’s editorial, however, if you do spot any inKevin Marston the paper this issue then please come and join the Editor Editorr barefacts proof reading club. This is opportunity for Kevin Marston you to see the paper in advance and a great addition to your CV, so if you fancy it emaiil me at Deputy Editorr [email protected] Luke Hickey If you were in Chancellors on Tuesday night around Production Editorr about 6.00pm you may have heard this almighty Andrew Thomas laughter from one of the tables on the stage. Well, News Team Film Editors this table was laughing at me and my unfortunate luck of swallowing the top part of my tongue piercing, James Buller Sariqa Wagley which I can tell you is not an enjoyable experience. Arthi Veerupillai Libby Hurt The rest of the table was in stitches for the remainder Features Editorr Science Editorr Vacant Nick Walsh

Music Editorr Sports Editorr Owen Hazelby Dave Chapman

Arts Editorr Marketing Team ChrisMorton Ali Danby Ellen van Keulen by Arthi Veerupillai

Iranian Politician on Trial Radioactive leak Contributers Ali Danby Jamileh Kadivar, one of Iran's leading female politi-It has been reported that the rivers around a secret Ellen van Keulen cians, has been put on trial. She is charged with act-nuclear weapons complex, in Siberia have been badly Dave Abbott ing against Iran's national security and insulting Islam,contaminated. A joint team of monitors said, "We've Susie Westwell which relate to a conference in Berlin, last April. Mrs.never encountered such radiation. It's the worst con- Gisela Böhnisch Kadivar, widely recognised as Iran's most populartamination we've found". Even though the leak has Tom Sugarman female reformer, denies the allegations. She main-damaged the plant and river life, there are no inten- Melanie Wilberforce tains that the Iranian authorities knew about the con-tions of closing the plant down, as the plant provides Andrew Gale ference beforehand and did not even attempt to pre-heating and electricity to the nearby town, Tomsk. Greensoc vent anybody from going. At least 20 further people MWC have been charged in relation to the conference. Judgement Day Claire Hathway Rebecca Lambert South African Policemen Charged with The long waits for the " King of US" Stella Webb Brutality will now come to an end as millions of people voted Madeleine M today. The first to vote were New Hamshire and Samuel Hardwick Six South Africian policemen have been charged withDixville Notch. The results so far - Bush got 38 votes, & Dr Russ the attempted murder of three black suspects. TheAl Gore took 18 and the Green Party candidate Ralph white policemen were caught on an ametur videoNader had one according to the associated Press. laughing as they set dogs on the suspects, alledgly illegal immigrants. The dogs savaged the men's faces, The World is not enough arms and legs. The footage also shows one of the offi- cers repeatedly kick and beat the suspects, while theyJames Bond in real, yep its true! The Millennium barefacts were lying on the floor, in agony. The footage was shotDome was under attack by a gang of robbers who Union House, University Of Surrey in 1998 but has only recently been made public. used a bulldozer to get in through the gates. The Guildford, Surrey, GU2 7XH thieves were trying to rob the diamonds and the Cease-fire in Jerusalem??? Millennium Star, which were on display in The Money Tel: 01483 879275 Zone. Luckily the police and the owners were tipped Fax: 01483 534749 Just when the Israeli Prime minister Ehud Barak andoff, this prevented a "Great Robbery". The diamonds email: [email protected] Palestinian Leader Yasser Arafat finally plan to meetwere said to be worth around £350 millions while the Deadline for Publication in order to end the bloodshed between their countries,Star priceless. Six people were arrested at the scene a massive car bomb exploded in the heart ofwhich police believe reconstructed the scenes of Bond Monday 12pm Jerusalem. The meeting was already late and then itmovies, as they found a speed boat on the shores of was totally put off as the bomb shocked the city lastthe Thames which belonged to the robbers. Submissions Monday. Siamese twin dies preferably on disk / email in Word 6.0 Format,The powerful bomb thrashed the whole market place Text in Arial, size 9 font killing two people, of which one of them was AyeletDoctors announced that the Siamese twins have been

barefactsis an editorially independent newspaper, published by the University of Surrey Students' Union Communications Office. Hashashar Levy-daughter of former minister in Baraksseparated, but only one of the twin; Jodie has survived government. The bombers who escaped were claimedthe 20-hr marathon operation, which was completed The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors, and do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, the Editorial Board, the University of Surrey Students' Union by the Islamic Jihad, a Muslim group whose only aimat 5am Tuesday morning. The doctors tried their best or the University of Surrey. is to destroy Israel. The leaders are still going aheadto save Mary's life, but it was known that only one of

This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission with the truce, but their people are no longer thinkingthe twins would be alive. of the publisher. of peace at all. All submissions must include the author's name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. The operation went ahead even though the parent barefactsreserves the right to edit submissions. Plane crash due to jet on 'wrong runway'opposed to it on religious grounds. Both the twins would have died, without surgery. Money is being Printed by The Singapore Airlines plane 747, which crashed lastraised to help the parents raise Jodie. East End Offset (TU), Bow, London, E3 3LT week was not an accident, as the Airlines admit that it © USSU Communications Office 2000 was mainly due to the jet being on the wrong runway. M40 crash The runway was closed for repairs, but it still had its light were on. The pilot is being held for questioning,One person is reported dead after a motorway acci- Singapore Airlines spokesmen said "it's unlikely andent, involving a coach, a lorry and a recovery vehicle experienced captain could have taxied his aircraft onon the hard shoulder. The accident occurred on the to..runway that was out of use. There are also the pos-northbound carriageway of the M40 near sibilities that the control tower could have directed theStokenchurch Bucks. This resulted in a number of plane into the wrong runway casualties in which the number and the extent of the . injuries are yet to be announced. Considering all the statements the airline could be up against a multi-dollar lawsuit and the airport may also Islamic Awareness week face legal action. Launched on Monday, is seeking to educate the pub- lic about Islam and challenge the bad press it gets in the press. 09/11/00 News 3 Flood Misery On Campus The recent bad weather has not only effect-that collected between the grass bank andthem, including their housekeeper and thesaid that there is very little that can be done ed the lower lying parts of town it has alsothe kitchen and bedroom walls, and led toguys in the Cathedral Court Reception.about these leaks, although they will be been creating havoc on campus. The worstthe water leaking in. After an unsuccessfulAfter the storms on Sunday again threat-remedied when the windows are replaced effected part of campus was Cathedralattempt to dry the carpets they wereened to cause yet more flooding, precau-which is part of the ongoing renovation of court, with building 3 experiencing the worstreplaced on Wednesday at a cost of approx-tions have been taken, in the form of a grav-campus accommodation. 30 bedrooms in flooding. imately £1000. Personal belongings of theel ditch which will hopefully prevent theStag hill have also had leaking windows, this residents were also ruined, Lucy, Jennahflooding from re-occurring. is again due to the age of the building and Last Monday residents of the ground floor ofand Danny explained how a lot of their work also the gutters being blocked. So far there Cathedral court 3 woke up to find up to twohas been lost, and some of their electricalOther courts that have also been effectedhave been no reported problems with off inches of water on their bedroom floors. Mrequipment has been damaged. Despiteinclude Battersea and Surrey, which due tocampus accommodation. Paxton explained that the flooding wastheir troubles however they did want to passtheir age have experienced a large number caused by water run off from the Cathedralon their thanks to everyone that has helpedof windows leaking. When asked Mr Paxtonby Ellen van Keulen

Flood Chaos: Part 2Photos

The George Abbot under the water again The new aqua bar garden at the White House The Friary loading, no sorry swimming bay

The Royal Mail tackles the flooded Walnut Tree Close The River Wey in town expanding its horizons The River Wey in Shalford now known as ‘Wey Lake’

A selection of pictures from around Guildford on Tuesday 7th November highligting the flood problems.Photos by Kevin Marston

...News In Brief...News In Brief...News In Brief...News In Brief...

Text Pest river. double the number last year. Prof. DowlingNine roads in Guildford town centre were said “Perhaps the greatest achievementclosed on Tuesday put later returned to nor- A man has been fined for sending obsceneThree paintings by Rebecca McLynn depictthus far being the link with Tsinghuamal, although the A281 remained closed. text messages with his mobile phone.the surface of, and light on the river.University, Beijing, which led to the launch of Callum Boyce, sent texts to a former friendRosemarie Juliano’s photographs follow thea satellite.” The Surrey Research Park, oneAnyone living off campus, in at risk areas is who he believed had been harassing hisflow of the river through all four seasonsof only three science parks to be owned,advised to listen to local radio and television wife. A Scottish court heard that Boyceand. The poem by Jackie Wills describesfunded and managed by a university, is abulletins or to check with the County Council wrote four nasty messages within half anthe changing face of the river and its banksalso major international success story. for updates about Surrey roads and public hour to Peter Buller (no relation! - JB). Hisover time. The exhibition is part of the services on 08456 009 009 or www.surrey- wife alleged that Buller was pressuring herGuildford Borough Council’s MillenniumThe university summits between China andcc.gov.uk. The Environment Agency’s to have sex with him. Initiative and funded by UniS and S.C.Britain have become annual events sinceFloodline number is: 08459 881188. Johnson. It is free to view in the Lewis Elton1997, supported by the Chinese Ministry of Solicitor Rosie Scott said “Mrs Boyce wasGallery (opposite AD building) untilEducation, the Higher Education Funding Snore Jaw clearly upset and her husband decided heThursday 23 November. Council for England and the British Council. had had enough of Mr Buller. He did not A persistent snorer has had his jaw broken realise it would go this far.” to put an end to the problem. Surgeons “Huan Ying Gewai Lai Surrey Fang Renewed Flood Alerts broke and reset the man’s jaw to enlarge his Boyce was fined £100 for breaking the 1984 Wen “ windpipe The Singaporean has suffered Telecommunication Act. The texts he wrote As BF went to print Guildford was on floodfrom sleep apnea for 25 years. His tongue to Buller included: “Baldy pervert you haveFourteen Chinese education officials visitedalert once again. The Environment Agencywas lolling back and blocking his windpipe wrecked our marriage so I am going toSurrey last week. Vice Chancellor Patrickissued a flood warning for the River Weyat night. break you neck.” Dowling even welcomed the delegates inbetween Pirbright and the Thames. their native tongue: “Huan ying gewai lai Karuna Regupathy, 48 had his upper jaw Surrey fang wen”- “Welcome to Surrey”.Woking, Weybridge and Thames Dittonbroken, moved forward and reattached with Wey To Go The eleven Chinese VC’s and three Ministrywere the areas most at risk on Tuesdaystrips of bone from his skull. The links were of Education representatives heard ofnight with residents being advised to pre-strengthened with metal plates and pins dur- As Guildford continues to struggle with theUniS’s links with the Orient and how itpare for the worst by getting together aing a pioneering, seven-hour operation. His floods UniS is paying tribute the river Weymakes itself successful. change of clothes and important personalface changed a bit but Regupathy is now that has brought destruction to so many. In effects. Rest centres were set up in readi-sleeping silently and comfortably. the University’s campus art gallery is cur-Currently 88 Chinese students, mainly post-ness. rently a collection celebrating Guildford’sgraduates are studying at Surrey, more than Your Shout & Your Emails 4 09/11/00 Your Shout VodkVodkaa Think About It.....it’s relevant whole thing would quietly pass by. Butlove’s people and love’s life?…I feel not. In which of my friends remembered and madedirect response to this article, the Bible has A religious debate by newspaper?…What’sthe effort with a surprise party? Thea lot to say about drunkenness, and directly that all about? -There seems to be no com-Christian ones!…Arhh! addresses it in Ephesians 5:18-19 (p1228 of SlusSlushh promise does there?! In this world of equal- your Gideon’s bible). It then goes on to talk ity, acceptance and political correctness,I can’t help noticing that the writer of “Lifeabout a different kind of drunkenness…read(Strawberry & Lime) surly there must be a compromise to thisafter the womb” repeatedly considers onlyfurther…challenge your stereotype… it’s whole religion thing?!… himself. He reflects on how the religiousvery relevant. system stinks, and how, as a ten year-old It would seem that many religious debatesboy, he was made to attend church by hisIn this world of equality, acceptance and ONLY £2 result in pedantic, schoolgirl argumentsparents. I too have been there and at thepolitical correctness, perhaps there is no ONLY £2 highlighting the mistakes in the behaviour ofage of ten the whole system truly doescompromise. I too have decided which side per half pint an individual Christians. These poor peoplestink!! But again we come back to the actsof the fence I prefer, and now, I’m going in per half pint are then used to inaccurately paint theof individuals (who are still human!) beingthe great direction of God’s full plan for my whole picture of Christianity! -A dodgyused to represent the whole of the Christianlife… move, since we’re all human, religious orfaith. At the same time I can’t help noticing Available from not. This has certainly been the case withhow selfless and considerate Christiansby Samuel Hardwick the last few articles in Barefacts. seem to be, free tea and coffee outside the Haris Bar Union is hard evidence to support this I have many friends who are Christians andobservation. The interesting thing though, they are the most loving, cheerful, friendlyis that if you talk to the Guys outside the and fun loving people that I know. BeneathUnion, many of them claim not to be reli- this cheery exterior, they are also the mostgious?!! But instead insist that they have an honest, trustworthy and stable people that Iactive, living relationship with god, regard- know. They seem to love God, love peopleless of what the blokes in “long gowns and and love life! -As a side thought and exam-silly pointy hats” are doing! ple of this behaviour: -Last week was my birthday. I kept it quiet, hoping that the peo-Does it seem as though as though the writer ple I’d told wouldn’t remember and theof “Life after the womb”, with his nuclear weapon and scarred childhood, love’s God,

Your Emails

Please send your emails to [email protected] To: barefacts From: Anon To: barefacts To: barefacts Subject: Societies From: Frances Bassom From: Gareth Davies Cc: Subject: Fireworks Subject: Doctors & Dear Barefacts, Cc: Nurses As a practising muslim, i was looking forward to a eagerly awaited Cc: Islamic Society meeting. However, what I thought would be a warm- Dear Barefacts, hearted meeting welcoming new freshers, actually turned out to be a Dear Editor, most ‘unfriendly’ heated war zone-The IMPEACHMENT of the presi- Just a note to say a big "thank you" to the students who provided the firework display last Friday. It was a really good, seamless display with dent of the society. 5 minutes into the meeting, I realised this was not Just a quick note to thank all the the place to be and started wondering if the back exit was actually no annoying time gaps between fireworks. It was all very well done. It was a far, far, better firework display than the pathetic effort that the people that turned up to the open or not. BUT no! as I got up to leave, i was quickly ushered to Doctors and Nurses night in the Guildford Borough Council arranged for their millennium celebrations. sit down and was told to vote first and then leave.....2hrs later (and Union on Saturday. It was a funny only because security wanted to close the building,) I found my self night to say the least and there Thank you. abstaining on a situation I had no idea about. Unsurprisingly, i am in are some photos to prove it. no rush to attend the next Islamic Society meeting and feel completely Frances Bassom turned off. PLEASE can someone tell me this is not a ‘normal’ Islamic Gareth Davies Society meeting. Computing Services. ANON To: barefacts To: barefacts To: barefacts From: Kevin Marston From: Keith Porthouse From: Rich W Subject: Life After The Subject: Life After The Womb Subject: Life After The Womb last week Womb Cc: Cc: Cc:

Dear Sir / Madam, guy who wrote the article (who May I take this opportunity afford-sibility that some of my work mayDear Keith, although he said he was feeling ed to me to apologise for any not be taken in the manner in I would like to make a complaint'brave' didn't even put his name comments made in my column which it is intended, and as such,Thank you for your email about about the article published in thisto the article) insinuated that he “Life After The Womb” last weekmay have inadvertantly caused last week’s Life After The Womb weeks barefacts titled 'Life Afterwould like to murder all membersthat people may have deemed tooffense. article and I do apologise for any the Womb'. I could moan aboutof the Christian Union. If I, or be ‘offensive’. I appreciate that offence that this has caused you the fact that I don't agree with hisanyone else, were to say that the content may certainly have It is unfortunate that in the givenor anyone else. Life After The opinions and his observations arethey would like to kill all colouredcaused some feelings of animosi-article, my name, indicating that IWomb is a satirical look on the quite clearly wrong, but then it people or Muslim's or other groupty and would like everyone to had written the article, failed to world from the viewpoint of Rich seems clear to me that he only of people everyone would be know that my opinions displayedappear, leading to the belief that itW and does not express the opin- wanted to cause offence. deeply shocked so why should in the column were simply that -was written simply to offend with-ions of the paper or the Union. this not be any different. my own opinions. out having to suffer any repurcu-(see disclaimer on page 2) I understand that people are sions. Echoing my eariler senti- allowed to their own opinions, butI should expect and apology for As any regular reader of my col-ments, any material I write I Regarding your comment about for someone to be openly abusiveallowing such blatant hatred to beumn may testify, the subject mat-believe in completely - I wouldn’t‘letting the article run‘ the decision seems unnecessary. I find it sadpublished. ters with which I deal are often write should the case be other- was made unanimously by the that barefacts, by letting the arti- issues for which many people wise - and so may I again apolo-editorial board. If you would like to cle run, condones someone whoYours Truly, have strong feelings, and, gise if what was intended as a come and see how the editorial basically said Jesus was a drunk- although I believe that these top-humorous consideration of reli- meeting works then please en shoplifter. Possibly more wor-Keith Porthouse ics should be spoken about andgious opinion was received in a contact me. rying than that is the fact that the discussed in a student newspapermanner different to that in which it (be the opinions contained in anywas intended. Yours truly such article contentious or no) I should have considered the pos-Rich W Kevin Marston, Editor Greensoc & Focus Groups 09/11/00 5 GLOBAL WARMING: A GLOBAL WARNING? So you saw the floods last week – partsmanently frozen state. However, somethe favelas (slums) around Sau Paulo lacklevels, in order to stabilise it’s concentration of the town underwater, roads acrosshuman activities have led to an increasingthe technology to reduce emissions andin the atmosphere. So far only a reduction of the country rendered imhpassable dueconcentration of these gases, trapping morethere are no environmental controls or regu-5.2% has been agreed by governments (in to water pooling above an overloadedand more heat, and causing the atmospherelations. Even apparently innocent occupa-the Kyoto Protocol of 1997, signed by 160 drainage system and run-off from adja-to become gradually warmer. The suns raystions such as farming on rice paddy fields incountries) – hardly very reassuring to the cent fields, homes flooded forcing fam-enter our atmosphere, travel through thethe Himalayas causes increased emissionsareas most at risk. ilies to evacuate. ozone layer and are reflected back off theof methane. The Montreal Protocol, signed So what is the answer and what can we You saw the gale-force winds – coastalearths surface with a changed wavelength.by many developed countries, is a commit-do? areas destroyed by tornadoes, people killedThey are then unable to pass back outment to reduce the volume of CFC’s-Be conscious of the amount of energy yo in their cars by falling debris, buildingsagain, trapped inside the ozone layer, andreleased (banning their use in aerosols, anduse in terms of electricity and fuel, and ripped apart, and roads and footpaths lit-are reflected back once more towards theimplementing safe disposal/recycling ofto reduce it yourself. tered and blocked with leaves and branch-earth. CFC’s used in refrigeration units), but since-Write to the governments Environment es. The main human sources of these gasesthey remain in the atmosphere for decadesMinister, Michael Meacher, and Secretary of And you wondered why….? Could it berelate to the combustion of fossil fuels.before they are broken down to a harmlessState for the Environment, John Prescott, that there really is something in the wholeWhether it is coal or oil in large-scale com-state, the effects of this are not yet beingurging them to adopt ‘greener’ policies and global warming story after all? Surely not..... mercial electric power stations, petrol orseen. support alternative energy sources. But unfortunately, perhaps there is. Globaldiesel as engine fuel for cars and other vehi-And meanwhile the earth is getting hotter-Three UK universities use ‘green’ electricity warming is caused by an enhancedcles, coal, wood, oil or gas in domestic heat-and hotter…. (from renewable sources – wind, sea and ‘Greenhouse Effect’. The earth’s atmos-ing systems, or your bonfire last weekend, The consequences of a warmer climatesolar) as opposed to ‘brown’ electricity phere naturally contains a certain percent-they all release greenhouse gasses, and itare varied, but all deadly serious. Firstly we(generated from fossil fuel combustion). It is age of so called ‘greenhouse gases’ – car-all accumulates in the atmosphere. Ofcan expect to see an increase in the numberslightly more expensive, but a small price to bon dioxide, methane, CFC’s and nitrogencourse, these apply mostly to the developedof ‘natural hazards’, freak weather condi-pay in comparison with the costs of the oxides. In balanced and consistent quanti-world who produce 80% of the greenhousetions, rising sea levels as the oceansalternative. Email or write to our Vice-chan ties these are important to our planet. Bygases, but this leaves a significant contribu-become warmer and expand, and acellor, Prof. P Dowling, putting pressure on trapping energy from the sun, this ‘ozonetion by developing regions. While the princi-decrease in the temperature differenceshim to change Surrey’s energy policy. layer’ prevents the earth from being in a per-pals remain the same, a number of otherbetween regions of the earth – hence the-Attend the Climate Change Summit 2000 in factors also comemelting of polar icecaps. The consequencesThe Hague, Holland, from the 17th-20th into it in poorer coun-of all this include more frequent and worseNovember. Kidding? No! For £25 to cover tries. For example, inflooding, storms and hurricanes, droughts,travel and accommodation you can join South Americanchanged seasonal and diurnal temperaturesthousands of other students and organisa countries theand rainfall patterns; and in turn, the out-tions to take part in this national confer- increasing demandcomes will include increased poverty, dis-ence. Highlights include a mass protest, for farmland leads toease, loss of habitat, species extinction, andspeakers from around the globe, a Climate huge areas of tropi-enforced changes to farming practices, notstreet carnival and ‘Save the Ales’ party. cal forests beingto mention the economic, social, domestic burnt, ‘slash andand commercial costs involved with cleaningFor more details email Emma at burn cultivation’ –up after occurrences such as we saw [email protected] come to Greensoc double trouble sincelast week. on Thursdays at 6:30pm in Roots. vegetation also The United Nations Intergovernmental

absorbs CO2.Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) was set Think of those floods….. Cottage industries,up by governments to research the problem, such as potteriesand concludes that emissions of CO2mustby Emma van Huysee and blacksmiths inbe reduced by 60-90% compared with 1990 Focusing On USSU: Part 2 With Fudge it won’t budge!!! Events & Societies were suggested: ·Barefacts inc. reviews, previews and "Try It" More focus groups have met in the continu-type article as on Surrey Pride pages. HAIRTEC ing bid to improve the Students' Union.·A 'Re-Freshers' Fair in the new year Societies and Events were scrutinised in two·Joining forces with other societies to hold separate forums and as before many good(Union) events 24 Madrid Road points and ideas came forth. ·Union bar TV screens In both groups an improvement on public-·Pre film OFU slide (01483) 440414 ity was seen as a key issue. ·Stall in Union/Lecture Theatres etc. ·A society website Events The existence, role and openness of theSocieties complained about their posters Reduced Culture and Events Committee was thoughtbeing torn down by the university's cleaners. a good thing to promote. This committeeUnfortunately there was little that could be determines who and what happens when atdone about this but guidance was given prices for the Union, and is open to all. (Keep readingabout the do and don'ts of postering. BF for more details) The problem of getting a society email For the events themselves, again better,address was also discussed. The UCS Students more distributed publicity was advocated.option was seen as problematic so the use While profiles of each music society wereof hotmail type accounts was thought best. touted to appear in Barefacts, it was said Some music societies also said that had Tuesday’s - that awareness of BF itself could be better.had trouble with Security and their venue Various ideas to promote Barefacts andarrangements. The Societies and Culture Friday’s increase its readership are now being con-Sabbatical present promised to investigate sidered by the Editorial Team. this. The type of events desired at the Union inclusive included theme nights, tribute and upcomingConclusion bands as well as student DJ's and musi-"I feel the groups are going well so far with cians. Sport screenings in the Union andmany valid points and suggestions for organised trips to London clubs were alsoimprovement being brought into the open," suggested. The various annual balls weresaid Union Sabbatical Officer Lucy Lloyds discussed too. Andrews. Chemist Finally the queue to enter the Union came Future groups are planned on publicity, in for criticism with regard to its length andfood etc etc. Dates of these will be policing by Security. Different entry methodsannounced in due course. The next meeting were mooted, as was a better incentive toof the Working Party takes place on Madrid arrive earlier than at present. Tuesday 14th November and "I look forward The Astolat to feeding students' views back to the mem- Road Societies bers" added Lucy. Tacked onto the end of Societies Standing Apollo meeting, this group started by looking atJames Buller xNewsagent methods of publicity. The following ideas 6 LGB Feature 09/11/00 LGB: 2000 AD....

QUEER THOUGHTS FOR A New Era STRAIGHTS IM Very thankful to all the gay revolu- Hello People, LGB is about to hold aSexuality is a major issue facing many stu-and told me it was alright with him I felt ations that have happened that give gays meeting for new and past members, todents and the process of coming to termsstrong sense of relief. now voices that can be heard and I am socialise and discuss what you all wantwith it, and the related issue of coming out, given the opportunity to write this article. LGB to be this year. LGB (just in casecan be very traumatic. For this reason allNext I told another close friend at Uni. SheBeing out for 4 years now, I still see a you don’t know) is the lesbian, gay andNightliner’s cover sexuality in their trainingwas actually the one who prompted me toportion of the society not ready to accept bisexual society. LGB societies can beand are willing to help you. They can alsocome out since her gaydar was beepingthe existence of these ‘weird’ people. found at almost every university in theput you through to LGB, or discuss mattersfrom the moment she started talking to me.Well, it is our culture and upbringing, country, and the University of Surrey isof sexual health, or anything you want.It was a while later that I told anyone elsewhich I had also fallen a victim to. Deep no exception. LGB has been running atThey also provide FREE CONDOMS. though, since I felt a strong obligation to telldown, I feel that it is pathetic. But any- Surrey for years, and this year should my parents before anyone else. However, Iway, reality bites doesn’t it? be no exception. The meeting will be the first main meeting ofcouldn’t tell them over the phone, and sinceIt has been too many times that i have the term; so don’t worry if you don’t knowI’d started the process, I couldn’t survive asheard remarks that homosexuality being Surrey LGB is here to help anyone whoanyone you’ll soon make friends. All com-not being myself anymore. I didn’t want todisgusting, dirty, against the law of needs information on gay, lesbian, or bisex-mittee positions are open, so if your politi-pretend that I didn’t fancy men anymore, sonature and disapproved by God. I used ual matters, whether they are members ofcally minded, or just want to make a differ-gradually I told more and more people. Notto be ashamed when I heard this. But LGB or not. In fact, our society is open toence, here’s your opportunity; or if yourone person reacted badly. I had told all mynow, I do not know whether to laugh or anyone of any sexuality or cultural back-interests are clubbing and partying thenfloor mates, and all the people on myweep for such ignorance. While a gay ground. The university, after all, is an inter-LGB could arrange trips to London etc. ifcourse. can understand a straight relationship, national university, so we encourage LGByou can’t come along don’t worry. The first people who say this simply cannot see it students who are from different cultures tomeeting will take place in the Grant MitchelIf you think that coming out will alienate you,in our perspective. Narrow-minded? join. Students whose cultures have tradition-Room in the Union at 7.30pm either Mondayyou’d be wrong also. The truth is that evenPerhaps they are just “not knowledge- ally been against gay and lesbian sexuality13thor Tuesday 14thNov. (see posters ortoday, when I let people know I’m gay, theyable and receptive enough”. may have more problems accepting them-email for the decided date) After the meetingfeel that I must hold a great trust in them.Like other kinds of love, gay love is as selves, and we are here to help. Men inwe will probably head down to The Elm TreeThey know that it’s not the easiest thing tosimilar. When straight people prefer the most LGB’s have in the past mostly outpub in town. Don’t worry if you can’t make it,say, and respect my being honest with them.company of a different gender, gays sim- numbered lesbians: but we don’t wont this.you can still contact us via email lgb_sur-Thus the friends who I invest this knowledgeply prefer same sex of partner. It is only a However, the only way to get round this [email protected], via the LGB pigeonholein can a lot of the time become closermatter of preference but many straight for YOU to come along and make yourin the Students’ Union, via Nightline on NTLfriends, and in fact may reveal their ownpeople freak out at it. However, gays mark. 816999 or external 876999. personal secrets or problems to me, thushave no difference at all when it comes to creating a stronger bond of friendship. the desire for the same type of affection, We are however more than just a group ofLuke @ LGB care and love. The same type of love the friends. We have in common our sexuality, Telling your parents can be one of the hard-straight people give to their heterosexual and so a great deal of social support can be est things you’ve ever done; harder thanpartner is the same thing we gay give to found amongst us. New members, who areBent Points Of View telling your friends. Your worst fears are thatour partner. always turning up and are welcomed into the people who have loved and cared forHomophobes say, “Gay sex is danger- the group, benefit from knowing other gayComing Outt you all your life will stop doing so. Theseous and gays like to sleep around.” people and the support that they get from people who are of such importance to youThink again. Isn’t this the same for them. To coincide with the restarting of LGB, olderwon’t feel the same, they’ll look at you dif-straights? There are just as many members of the society have been consid-ferently. My parents are religious, and alsounfaithful and horny straight fellows ering having a comingolder than a lot of people’s parents of myaround. Look at those HIV figures; the out week. Even if thisage group, so my fears were quite strong.straight people HIV rates have sur- doesn’t take place INo matter how much you know your parentspassed the homosexual people for thought it would belove you, the thought of this fact beingmany years. helpful for all closetedknown to them can be enough to make youWhat’s worse is that there are men who LGB’s out there tobelieve that things will change. Well the truthcruise around for other men to give a hear how coming outis my parents were both fine with it. It wasblowjob when their wives refuse to put at University may notsuch a relief to find that out because whentheir mouth to their “anacondas”. be as bad as youyou’ve told your parents, you’ve achieved aShouldn’t they be ashamed of them- might think. massive personal goal. If you are still wor-selves if they belong to those anti-gay ried and don’t feel able to tell them, the bestgroups? Last year was my firstway to test them out is to have a chat or I am strongly against the idea that gay year at Uni. I hadfamily debate on gay issues if they come uppeople should be detested, ignored and never told anyone ofin the news or mention a gay friend at Uni.looked down upon in the society. They my sexuality before.However, even if your parents don’t offer theare just normal human beings who The truth which noopinion you’d hoped they would don’t be dis-appear in all walks of life. They eat, one knew had con-heartened because chances are they willdrink, think, study, work and love like trolled my life for sostill love you very much because after allany other people; sometimes surpassing long that the releaseyou’re still their child no matter what, andeveryone else. In fact, all humans must was an amazing feel-that is a very strong bond. In fact when I toldbe given equal respect and treatment ing. For weeks no onemy mum, she told me that she loved medespite colour, religion and sexual orien- knew. I had alwayseven more. tation. told myself that Uni Gays contribute to the economy and would be the idealComing out isn’t something that ever endsperhaps raise the standard of living with place to come out.because wherever you go and whoever youtheir love for quality stuff. Do not be Everyone is new. Yourmeet you don’t have a label attached to you.amazed by knowing that the food, fash- all thrown in together,So coming out is going to be with you allion and music in your life are sometimes thus the friends youyour life, but once you’ve got through the ini-queer products. They usually dress well make here cantial stages and know you can do it then youand have a good taste for almost every- become a strong sup-know you can keep on doing it thing. Ever been to a gay disco and port network. The first enjoyed their good music and be person I told was myOnce you’ve achieved all this even moreamazed by those beautiful clothes the closest friend. I toldrewarding can be when someone turns toguys are wearing? Well if you’re homo- him of the love I hadyou and tells you that they are gay. Thisphobic, then probably not! felt for a person whenhappened to me recently and it gave me a Like straights, gays are just like anoth- I was younger andhuge confidence boost. When someoneer other people. It is only the matter of how I had been sosees you as someone to turn to for friend-preference and perhaps occasional hurt by the breakdownship and support on an issue so close tosome campy behaviour. The Lesbian, of that relationship,your own heart, it can fill you with a greatGay and Bisexual aka LGB Society of and its effects on mysense of pride. the University of Surrey is set up to pro- life. Since I didn’t vide support to these people of these dif- specify a gender, heSo in summation come out and be proud offerent preference and aims to provide a soon guessed what Iwhom you are. If you feel that you can’t tellsense of identity and pride for them. It was hinting at and Ia friend yet though you can contact night-also helps people who wish to get out of told the first personline on NTL 816999 or external 876999the closet. We understand how dark and ever that I was gay. Itthey have trained on issues of sexuality,cold it can be inside. Remember there is was quite scary to saysafe sex etc . Or else you can go to thea great might when brothers and sisters the word to someoneLGB meetings, or go along to the Elm Treeunite. in a description ofpub in town. Remember you’re not alone, myself, but when hethere are plenty of people you can turn toanon responded positivelyfor support so don’t worry. (Mark G) Spice Girls VS West life

This week sees the release albums from both the Spice Girls and Westlife. Currently the favourites to be number one are the boys from Ireland. Could this be the end of chart domination for the girlpowered foursome? Music Reviews Competitions Horoscopes OFU News & Comps 8 09/11/00 “you’re queer” Music News Not much has hap-ever.” Norman Cook Speaking on radio station XFm said “I might pened in the world ofnever make a good record again. Fatherhood does strange things to music this week. Itpeople, d’ya know what I mean.” seems that ourOnce the album is released Cook“your career is over” favourite musiciansplans to retire form the public eye on December 10thto spend moreity album in aid of Oxfam. Theup a Q award for best live act theThe Smashing Pumpkins’. have taken an earlytime with his family. album he said was inspired by hisOasisfront man branded RobbieBefore the encore at their live show recent visit to Africa where heas “queer”. Robbie hit back at hisin Manchester a voice announced winter break. The weeks Garage’s favourite young super-worked with African musicians whorecent sold out live show by telling‘some special guests’ when Billy biggest news comes from Fatboystar Craig Davidhas beenhe said were far better than any-the audience that he thought theCorgancame on dressed as David Slim aka Norman Cookwho hasapproached by Bonoof U2to col-thing that is going on with British‘Q’ in Q awards meant “quite a lotBeckham and Melissa Auf Der announced that his new albumlaborate on a track on U2’s newguitar bands at the moment. Theof your career has gone mate.Maurcame on as Posh Spice, ‘Halfway between the Gutter andalbum called ‘Walk On’. Bono whointerview also gave him the oppor-You’re bands fucked. You don’tmuch to the delight of the audi- the Stars’ might be his “last albumrecently slated the “pretty youngtunity to talk about Blur’sfuturesell many albums cause yourence. Other band member’s came things” dominating the UK charts,plans as he said he was “definitelybands shit.” He then went on toonto the stage dressed up. One heard Craig’s version of the U2 hitgoing to consider touring again”talk about his ex-girlfriend (Liam’scame on as a Man City player and ‘One’ and although Bono admittedand that “he looks forward to acurrent girlfriend), All Saint Nicoleanother as George Best. The that “it’s the wrong tempo for whatsplaying another new record now.”Appleton, he said “I bet you go toSmashing Pumpkins’ played their going on with UK garage and that”,There’s a big surprise. Blur plan tobed every night scratching yourlast UK shows over the weekend he said that the song had “the rightreturn to the studio later on thishead, thinking ‘is he better thanbefore they disband. On that sad feel” for Craig David. We look for-year to record their new album. me?’.” We wait a reply fromnote that is this weeks news more ward to hearing the track soon. Nicole. coming up next week. In the ongoing feud between Damon Albarnon a recent radioRobbie Williamsand LiamCelebrity couple David BeckhamSimon Robinson interview on XFm has announcedGallagher, Robbie has hit back atand Posh Spicewere the brunt of he is the process of making a char-Liam taunts at him. Whilst pickinga practical joke by believe it or not 09/11/00 Arts Feature 9

HoroscopeHoroscopesswith Arcane Ally

Scorpio Oct 24th - Nov 22nd pants (girls) / white Y-fronts (guys).last week this is great time to goCancer June 22nd - July After that spending spree last week out drinking with them. Make sure23rd your mum told you off and to proveAquarius Jan 21st - Feb 19thyour round is the last one and passHow about plucking up the to her that you can manage yourWell, after all that tongue action Iout before you have to go to thecourage to have your hair own finances you must make aso accurately predicted last weekbar. A great way to get drunk with-cut on Saturday. That boy- monthly budget plan to keep heryou really ought to invest in someout spending any money!(Not that Inext-door, just-got-out-of- happy. strong mouthwash. The word onhave ever done it mind you.) bed look went out of fashion Lucky clothing : wellington boots! campus is that you have poor oralLucky Clothing : faded black jeans.months ago. hygiene and you had better sort it Luck clothing : Baseball cap Sagittarius Nov 23rd - Dec 21stout fast. Taurus April 21st - May 21st(until Saturday.) You really must learn to controlLucky clothing : tank top. This is your week to help the envi- your temper a bit more this week. ronment. On your way aroundLeo July 24th - Aug 23rd You can’t throw a wobbly justPisces Feb 20th - Mar 20th campus this week try to pick up 5You’re having an artistic because your flat-mate stole yourAfter the fabulous week you havepieces of litter a day to prevent themoment this week. Do not be last slice of bread. just experienced things are justsuffocation of hedgehogs. tempted to graffiti the teachingLibraSept 24th - Oct 23rd Lucky clothing : Stripy socks. going to keep getting better. TheLuck clothing : fur coat. block though. After exposing your body in a more only thing to watch are your Lucky clothing : Overalls. extreme way than usual at the Capricorn Dec 22nd - Jan 20thfinances. Maybe you ought toGemini May 22nd - June 21st fetish party your confidence was Once again you are neglectingreturn some of that fetish gear, youYour will power reaches its peakVirgo Aug 24th - Sept 23rd boosted immensely. This doesn’t your diet. This week you must tryonly wore it once after all. this week so now is the time to giveGo out and join a new club or soci-mean however that you must go and get some more fibre. A bowl ofLucky clothing : bobble hat. up smoking or cream cakes. ety this week. You may find thataround flashing at random stu- All Bran a day will keep you regu- Lucky clothing : ripped, 80’s styleyou have a hidden talent for sailingdents. Please try to control your- lar. Aries Mar 21st - April 20th jeans or rock climbing! self, you know who you are. Lucky clothing : big, grey grannyAfter making all those new friends Lucky clothing : trainers Lucky clothing : anything! A Century of

Fakersby Chris Morton It strikes one as being,amount of chart success deserves a lot of respect, for sure. But there more than often, theseis still something lacking, missing days that anotherin their refusal, or inability, to say something interesting. The prob- band’s comeback islem is that it is no longer fashion- able to walk the walk and talk the there to remind youtalk. how good they actual- Now and then the odd comeback is ly weren’t. attempted: Elastica, The Longpigs, Ash, even Oasis, all fall into that Now that Britpop is over, now thatcategory of “too cool to do anything the ninetiesare over, all andaccessible.” Unlike before, when sundry has begun to consign tothey were staying true to their oblivion those once so fashionable,ethics but still writing great songs, once so talented individuals whoit seems like these bands are were of such importance to ouralmost deliberately trying to be music scene. The bands that dom-unpopular with the buying public.changing music you realise thates, and in the very words of theiryou and you feel… shit actually, inated our charts four or five yearsCommercialism: It is the work ofthese are exactly the characteris-interviews, all that Blur have to saymost of the time. But it’s good.” ago are not such a necessity to thethe devil. tics that any band would need toat the moment is that “Yeah, we’veMelody Maker April 1991. atmosphere of the time, and this of survive those ten years of compli-written some good songs and course is not so unusual for aAnd maybe this is where Blur cancations. we’ve been around for ages.” AndAnd the problem with accomplish- scene with such an emphasis onreside in a unique distinction to this this what those uncultured buyersment is that all the purpose is lost. that eager to please philosophy.Holier Than Thouattitude. In someThe problem with the Greatest Hitsof the Greatest Hits collection will But the strangeness lies in theways they have always brought thecollection (“Blur’s Greatest Hits” isthink. In this way, one of the most“If punk was about getting rid of actuality that we are still looking foraccessibility to their music, it’s justreleased on Monday) is the fear ofimportant bands of the country ishippies, then I’m getting rid of them to be replaced, or eventhat it has never been in an obvi-how much out of context thesedoing nothing to save us from thegrunge. It’s the same sort of feel- worse; we are still looking to themous way. songs will sound to anyone whoteeny-bop nightmare of presenting; people should smarten up, be to save us from the teeny-bop does not understand the environ-day British music. a bit more energetic.” NME April nightmare of present day BritishAnd not only have they remainedment’s to which these songs were 1993. music. cool throughout their ordeal, but bywritten within. Furthermore, theBut I suppose you have to give Blur keeping it real, or keeping it goodexperimentation in creating originala break; they are the wrong side ofMaybe this quote is contrived, Arguably, many of our new bandseven, they have somehow alwaysart-pop has left many of the songsthirty after all. And I suppose theirmaybe it is just plain dumb, or have subtly provided us with somesucceeded with delivering a freshto stand alone as something of anarrogance that is wrapped up inmaybe it is the words of a genius. modest expertise, comme il fautforsound to our airwaves. The influ-acquired taste. Understood, that is,self-belief is the most that they canThe point is that it is most definite- the public’s appetite, with a respectences have always been there, butby an appreciation of the impor-offer in defiance to all that goes only all good fun and games. Now from the critics and a followingas Karl Popper argued, nearly atance of exorcising the nightmare’saround them. As far as categoris-Blur are too mature to worry about from the indie kids and art-schoolhundred years ago; “All knowledgeof the eighties music scene (whereing goes, Blur are slowly falling intoany contrived feud with another contenders (Travis & Coldplay, foris ultimately based on sense-expe-throwaway pop dominated, notthat classification where four musi-band. example). Coming through therience.” Or as Damon Albarn onceunlike the music scene of today).cians are creating mature music. underground to enjoy a smallput it: “Modern Life Is Rubbish.” This may be why the Greatest HitsIt is a shame. For the fans it was Watching Blur’s performance oncollection is being released at thismore fun. The “Star-shaped” video “There are so many old things to“Jools Holland” last week, it waspoint in their careers. And as forof Blur’s drunken tour documents splice together in infinite permuta-blatantly obvious as to how muchjumping on the bandwagon of thethe worst period in the band’s tions that there is absolutely noconsequence their old hits hadlatest music scene, there is nothingcareer. But it is a band at their most need to create anything new.” NMElost. Obvious I suppose by thebut a large hole for them to fallentertaining stage. The mishaps April 1993. band’s performance. It’s not thatthrough. were just as important as the they were disinterested as such, music. It’s what it’s all about. A little harsh maybe, a little stupid,but the anger behind and enthusi-The problem with maturity is thatBritpop was a time when every a little contradictory to what theyasm for their latest piece of art wasall the excitement is lost. band was stupid enough to make said before, and after, but that’sthe major strongpoint lacking. fools of themselves. And some day Blur for you. And looking back over “Everywhere you go, you get beersoon the new fools will arrive to a notable decade of a rapidlyIn their attitudes, their performanc-and drugs for free, girls scream atrescue us from the monotony. Record Reviews 10 09/11/00 to avoid Oasis-esque solos and, erm, sound- ing exactly like 3CR. Apart from these tests, that, well, The Test fails, there is a Single of the Week widescreen rock epic thing going on, which Singlesis actually irritatingly enjoyable. 6/10 D.J. MANSUN - Electric Man (EMI) ‘Electric Man’ is the second DIMESTARS - Solo So Long (Wild) release from the album ‘Little VERTICAL HORIZON - You’re a GodTruth is I thought this was a band put togeth-Kix’ and is the happiest and (RCA) er by some producer to try and sell anothermost expansive Mansun release Vertical Horizon formed in 1991 as ancheesy song. But to my surprise these guysyet. It is also one of their best acoustic duo and have spent most of theirare not bad and I think this song will make asingles to date with a deeply time since then touring from coast to coast inbig impression. The song is extremelyharmonious chorus and beauti- the US. This track is happy rock/pop andcatchy and according to them the differenceful melodies. It’s an ace track without a doubt is real class. With heavy gui-between them and other bands is “We doand is worth £1.99 of anyone’s tars and sweet melodies, ‘you’re a God’things bigger, better and louder better.” Andmoney. 9/10 N.M. should sell well. 8/10 N.M. so they seem too. Its pop music, but good pop music. 6/10 C.H. AIRLOCK – Airlock (One Little Indian) lyrics. If you like strange, check it out. The A For once a single without remixes or songsME ONE - In My Room (Island) second song is the harmonica-ridden coun-Spell On You’ is essentially flat. Flat bass, so similar you can’t tell they aren’t remixes.Me One is West Indian patois for ‘on mytry style ‘Wives and Farmers’ and the thirdcliché strings, and lyrics that could have The first track has beautiful female vocalsown’ and is the adopted name of Cardifftrack is a bizarre shouty number aboutbeen nicked from Alice DJ. Now would prob- with slightly industrially sounding backings.born, Brooklyn reared, North London resi-blenders! Wacky Californians eh?!5/10 A.W.ably be a good time for Sonique to run back The second is more instrumental, and thedent Eric Martin. This Single includes a vari- behind her decks. 3/10 A.T. third seems to mostly be someone playingety of excellent mixes from Tee Bone,MORCHEEBA – Be Yourself (China) with a record to slower backing, It’s nice toStargate, and MVP, as well as the originalLast years acclaimed ‘Big Calm’ sawGUANO APES – Big in Japan (superson- hear a group doing something different for aalbum version. It is a melange of head-nod-Morcheeba at the height of their successic) change. 8/10 E.C. ding hip-hop grooves, doo-wop harmoniesand ‘Be Yourself’ (off their new albumBig is the operative word here. Big guitars, and jazzy, off the cut melodies laced with a‘Fragments of Freedom’) sees Morcheebabig bass, big vocals, big pile of rock s***. PJ HARVEY - Good Fortune (Island) Caribbean lift that once lodged in the greyadopting a similar formula with SkyeStay in Japan. 1/10 S.R. Could this be a pop song? Surely not, Msmatter stay there in a never ending loop.Edwards distinct lush vocals and their famil- Harvey simply does not dopop songs. Ms6/10 J.F. iar soulful grooves. However, this familiarityMELATONE – A Sentimental Wish (Two Harvey sings spooky style with the backing is broken up by stop start dynamics that pre-Hoots) of a chiller movie. Not here however, aGRANDADDY – He’s Simple, He’s Dumb,vents it from going anywhere apart fromThe singer has a horrible voice, the tune for remarkably upbeat acoustic strum that couldHe’s The Pilot? (V2) straight to track three which is a brilliant livesome reason reminds me of Blue Peter, it’s send her to the lower reaches of the chart.This is a limited edition single taken from theversion of last years single ‘Part of thescary stuff. It sounds like a school orchestra 8/10 A.T. Californian band’s LP ‘The SophtwareProcess’. Perhaps they need to follow theirwith a nasally boy singer. “I don’t have much Slump’. At almost nine minutes, it’s a littleown advice. 5/10S.R. to say” says the title track. Stop boring us UNION KID - The Test (1970) too long, but is a dramatic, quite dark song, with this drivel then. They try and funk it up a The test in the muddled nondescript music ofslower than their usual stuff. The acousticSONIQUE - I Put A Spell On You (Serious)bit on the third song, but this ain’t no ‘Boogie our time is how can a band stand out fromguitar goes well with all the other sonicThird single syndrome is always the same.Wonderland’. In fact, it’s just c***.1/10 A.W. the crowd. Now, this is probably even hardereffects used. It’s very much a ‘ParanoidWhere as ‘It Feels So Good’ and ‘Sky’ both if you’re a slow start, get quicker rock bandAndroid’ sort of weird single, with lots of dif-took the Ibiza dance blueprint and tweaked it in the 3 Colours Red mould. The test then isferent parts and not many (decipherable)enough to create something interesting ‘I Put

very strange lyrics to throw into to the mix. Some of the lyrics (“The serpents skin is Album of the Weekwhiter..”) reminds me of some of Jim Morrison’s lines. Apparently one is to imag- ine a synthesis of the Partridge family and Albums U2 - All That You Can’t Leave Behind Brady Bunch sagas with a sonic feedback twist, dirty lo-fi beats and filthy guitars (Island) 3:36’. Not as accomplished as his previous U2 return to the world stage after two and drenched in reverb painted on a sampling canvas. The fourth song which has somealbum ‘Venni, Vetti, Vecci’, ‘Rule 3:36’ falls half years with a retro U2 album. When I say short in many areas. Obscenely lowbred at retro I mean the days of the Joshua Tree, pretty sweet female vocals I liked a lot but the rest well lets just say its original and a lit-points, a lot of the material could be the work Rattle and Hum and even a slight case of of an undereducated, disobedient school Achtung Baby. U2 have taken a step back tle confusing. Its “Just a Dimension Away” 5/10 C.H. child. Fellow Murderers Black Child, 0-1, from the dance induced days of Zooropa and Tah Murdah and Vita all appear along with a Pop and stuck with the classic rifts and the number of featured artists. ‘Between Me and soul searching vocals. However, saying that AGNELLI AND NELSON - Hudson Street (Extravaganza) You’ featuring Christina Milian is the first ‘Kite’ is a rather experimental sounding track, single scheduled for release and also the in ways similar to the Kid A sound but still An album of commercial tamed techno good for home listening and some tracks willbest track on the album. ‘Extasy’ is an echoing that U2 feel. ‘Beautiful Day’ is defi- extremely funky highpoint, unfortunately antly the stand out track on the album with its probably make it to the clubs. The music is a mixture or suave, electro, minimal, futuris-there just isn’t enough here to warrant a rec- beautifully caressing guitar lines. It’s simply ommendation. Don’t bother with the album; luscious and therefore 8/10 K.M. tic synthesised sounds. Their 1998 single “El nino” was a club anthem as will be somewait for the clutch of decent songs to be of the tracks from this album. The music isreleased as singles. 4/10 A.R. MAN OR ASTRO-MAN? – A Spectrum ofCollaborations are abound on the new classified as easy listening happy house Infinite Scale (Touch and Go) record that not only includes members of the and should go down well with most clubTHE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH – Painting It One day somebody in Man or Astro-manRoc-A-Fella family, Memphis Bleek, Beanie music fans, but was a little too tame and tooRed (Go! Discs) must have thought “look we not selling anySigel and Amil, but also some heavy hitters common for my liking. 4/10 C.H. I knew that The Beautiful South were meant albums, lets just write a voiceless record solike Snoop Dogg, Scarface and, believe it or to be a bit laid back, but any more and you’d that if no one buys it we can sell it as anot, R. Kelly. 7/10 J.F. JA RULE - Rule 3:36 (Murder Inc/Defbe hard pushed to find a pulse. This album soundtrack to a movie”. And this is what the Jam) has invented new dimensions of boredom. It American four-piece came up with. ‘ASOUNDS FROM THE FUNKY UNDER- Murder Inc stalwart Ja Rule returns with astarted off badly with the first and last tracks Spectrum of Infinite Scale’ is a perfectGROUND – Compilation (Chocolate fire- street inspired second album. His growlingon the tracklisting not actually existing, I soundtrack to a soundless film. It is full ofguard artists) voice has been hiked to overload on ‘Rulesuppose at least they give you the vocals so garage rock, surf twang, cinematic sound-This album represents a taster of the bands you can make your own tune up for them. scapes and B-movie bleeps that dispels anyon the Chocolate Fireguard label. It is an notion of normality. This will have you look-eclectic mix of funky jazz, hip-hop, rap, drum ing to space for an answer. 8/10 S.R. and bass, soul and rock, basically a taster of any genre going. This provides the listener Recommended JAY Z - The Dynasty Roc la Familia 2000with a broad range of tracks, of which most ( Roc-a-Fella) people will like several but that is as far as it FATBOY SLIM – Halfway Between The Gutter And The With his last two records, “Vol. 3... Life &will go. As Kara Kara sing on the album Stars (Skint) Times Of S. Carter” and “Vol. 2 Hard Knock“Just keep yourself funked up”, well for a It maybe the last album from the Fatboy but what a way to Life”,Jay-Z has established himself as onecouple of songs at least. 5/10 S.R. finish, leaving off where he started from. HBTGATS relives of hip hop’s master lyricists with an unique Fatboy house days and in essence his first album, ‘Better ability to tell stories of the urban experienceSCHIZO FUN ADDICT - Just a Dimension Living Through Chemistry’. ‘Talking About My Baby’, ‘Sunset’ in a sophisticated manner that separatesAway (Sudden Bliss) and ‘Mad Flava’ are the ones to watch with the twisting loops himself from the rest of the chest-thumpingThe name reflects the music nicely. A mix- and eclectic samples. A rather delightful album that surpass- rap pack. Jay-Z embarks on his fifth studioture of psychedelic, breakbeat, African, es his last one and adds elements of Macy Gray vocal talents effort, “The Dynasty: Roc-La-Familia 2000”.didgereedoo and guitar music. With some to the mixture.8/10 K.M. 09/11/00 Record Reviews cont & Live Reviews 11

The only slightly interesting song on thebe suggested that were Mark E. Smith tobored. 3/10 D.J. later in the year. The opener ‘Last time’ is album was ‘Closer Than Most’, which youwait around until he had enough decent the only glimpse of hope on a dreadful can get much cheaper as a single anyway.tunes for a proper album, he might not haveSHEA SEGER - The May Street Projectalbum. What she lacks in talent she makes ‘Half-Hearted Get (Is Second Best)’ showedto release a series of examples of how to(RCA) up for in looks, this fact alone will be proba- a bit of promise at the start with eeriewrite that perfect b-side. Still, that’s life andShea Seger is an American artist who trav-bly guarantee her chart success. ‘The May swooping backing, but the vocals just hadlife for Mark continues in something of anelled to London to record her debut album:Street Project’ is utter gash. 2/10 A.R. no energy behind them. Most of the tracksexperimental indie daze of muffled vocal‘The May Street Project’. It is the story of life sounded like they just couldn’t be bothered,announcements slopily thrown over chordand love in small town America. It could be This Week’s Reviews by making for a very dull album. 3/10 E.C. movements heard a million times before in abetter described as totally uninspired mid- trillion indie songs. Subversive Sonic Youthdle-of-the road American rubbish. Southern Andrew Thomas, Alex Reed, Nigel THE FALL - The Unutterable (Eagle) guitar lines and dull, chaotic Ian Brown elec-soul is an accurate description of the musi- Martin, Kevin Marston, Simon Whilst the Stone Roses were never quitetronic percussion noises mix in only thecal style. The most ironic press blurb I have Robinson, Owen Hazelby, Ian prolific enough, there is of course the oppo-worst parts of that equation: dullness deviodyet to read describes this as “an astonish- Purvey, Denise Nicholson, James site problem. It might be said the fewer Theof subversity. It’s not clever or funny and willingly original debut”. I am amazed ‘James’ Hemmingway, Oliver Chamero, Fall records, the better. Full stop. Or it mightonly ever be the soundtrack to sleeping. I’mhave invited her to support them on a tour Christian Hunter Competition Time Hiya, it’s competition time again and who better to lead youWin an Alarm Clock and CD’s Win 6 FNO Guest List Tickets through this maze of trivia than your favourite Santa Claus (well, most of Guildford seem to think it’s Christmas already, Our mates at 48k Records and Perfecto Records have givenAfter the relative success of last issues’ competition, we so I don’t see why we can’t). us not one, or two but TEN CD’s to give to you, the discern-have decided to keep the prize as 6 tickets, so we want Congratulations to all last week’s winners, following a ing reader. They have also sent us a Paul Oakenfold travelloads of entries. In keeping with the festive theme of this record number of entries – I kid you not. Dan Bashford alarm clock and if that wasn’t enough they are also throwingsection, all you have to do is complete the following phrase (again) won the What Lies Beneath goodies after telling us in a window poster of the DJ. So the first out of the hat picksin no more than 30 words; the funniest entry in the opinion that it was Star Wars that launched the career of Hollywood up the poster, alarm clock and six of the CD’s, while two run-of the editorial board wins. heartthrob Harrison Ford. Mike Rolfewalked away with the ners-up win two CD’s each, all clear? well here’s the ques- Blur CD, vinyl, video and posters after deciding that Blur had tion: All I want for Christmas is … their head checked by a Jumbo Jet. But the biggest winner of all was Ben Sidders, who is on the guest list for tomor- What is the name of the new Students Union row’s FNO, together with five mates. Ben told us that his life was like a pint of Carling because he is cheap and doesn’tChairperson? stay in your system for long. Now what have we got for you this week, I hear you holler, Dave Abbott Matt Jackson well, we have 6 FNO tickets for Friday 17thNovember 2000, which include being on the guest list (so you don’t have to Luke Hickey queue up, no matter when you arrive), and we have CD’s, window stickers and an alarm clock. As usual, send your entries into [email protected] by Monday 6pm, with your contact details (including URN), and remember that the editor’s decision is final or else Santa might not visit your house this year.

No Wave& Livepresent... Trayscrape rap-skate-metal-hiphop Fire Apple Red Skatepunk Mistaken Identity Experimental electro-grunge + acoustic act Main Union Saturday 11th Nov £2 entry / Doors @ 9pm Sunday Night Live Presents... The North Mississippi All Stars

Sunday November 12th

with support from “Mo Solid Gold”

14 A Short Story 09/11/00 A RERUN OF A SHORT STORY throwing up and that I hadn’t realised that I was in the It was just like any other night; we’d gone downI didn’t think I was getting anywhere. It was embar-girls one. Jim found this quite funny. the pub straight from work. Everyone had had arassing ‘cause my mates kept looking at me when I shit day and we were all acting really laddish,was talking to Tanya and making gestures at me. I sortJim used to live quite near me at the time and we downing pints at the bar, determined to get reallyof wanted to talk to her properly but what with mywalked home together. I jokingly asked him if he was pissed and have a good night. I usually hate thatmates and her mates we didn’t really have thegoing out with Helene yet and he gave me some dis- kind of shit, I would always take the piss out of allchance. I just made the odd remark and listened to themissive answer of how he didn’t know what was going the beer tossers with their “Lager, lager, getinane conversation of her friends, nodding my headon. I think he was pissed off about how he hadn’t got pissed, yeah,” but this time I guess I was one ofand laughing at the appropriate moments. I thought I’da shag. them. I’d gone down with Bradby, Dave and Grazoffer to buy her another drink or something but I was and we’d bumped into some of Dave’s mates whotoo pissed to move. It went on like this for about anWe cut across the park and walked in silence, thinking were all beer tossers. For once it was the kind ofhour. about the evening behind us. I was thinking about break I’d needed. I was so pissed: To me the pub Tanya, Jim was thinking about Helene, I knew was like one of those weird movies with fancyWhen the pub finished Graz came over and said thatbecause of how he used to go all silent and serious camera work; everyone kept appearing in front ofthey were going on to a club, I said I might be downwhen he was thinking about something close to his me and then disappearing again. Parts of conver-shortly. Then Tanya’s mates left and it was just meheart or when he was planning. That’s what he was sations came and went. and her, I think it was planned. I didn’t really knowdoing probably. Planning. Whereas me, I was just what to do then. I asked Tanya if she wanted to comesmiling, satisfied with the little attention that I’d got. I I was just considering the next pint when I noticed thisto the club with me but she said “No,” and that shewas always far too satisfied. group of girls, sitting on the table opposite us, whowanted to go home. I thought that was it but as she were obviously talking about me. One of them keptwas about to leave she said, “Aren’t you comingWe were walking along in silence when we saw looking over and then she’d turn back to her friendsthen?” sparks in the middle of the field ahead of us. As we got and they’d all start looking at me and laughing. closer we heard voices, and saw the dark silhouettes We walked out of the pub together, chatting more thisof the two bodies. It was Alex and Paul messing about It wasn’t long before Bradby saw what was going on.time. Maybe it was the drink but as we walked downwith gunpowder. Luckily they had cigarettes, and He was really pissed too; he kept leaning towards methe road I remember marvelling at how sexy she was.some JD. Me and Jim sat down and watched them saying “Go on, get in there,” and then falling back onI wondered when I should make a move. I wonderedcontinue. Paul told us how they were trying to make a the bar again. Graz started saying that I should goif she really wanted me to, or if she just wanted me tobong out of all the gunpowder they had. We weren’t over and talk to them because “Fuck it, it’s worth a try.”walk her home, she was pretty young and that. Ireally listening. I began to realise that he was right and suddenly start-thought about suggesting going for a smoke down the ed to get nervous, butterflies in my stomach and allbeach but I didn’t know if it was her sort of thing. ThenI sat there bored for ages, drinking the JD to keep me that. I knew that I should make a move, I knew that I’dI started wondering why I hadn’t seen her aroundwarm. Jim said they should make a fire but Alex was- regret it the next day if I didn’t but the inertia had hit in.before and thought about what if she wasn’t even an’t that enthusiastic about the idea. We decided to go I guess it was the risk of humiliation and rejection. IGCSE student? to Alex’s van instead. Smoke some gear. started saying that I couldn’t be bothered and that it wasn’t worth it but the others didn’t pay any attentionWhen we turned the corner though things started toIt was a fucking long walk though. I remember think- and continued egging it on. I remember wanting tohappen, maybe even too quickly. Tanya was sudden-ing that I wanted to be in bed really but I hate missing stay at the bar in the comfort of my own social grouply all over me, didn’t know how to kiss properly andout. Then Jim started moaning that he couldn’t find his but they were becoming less of a comfort. she was near choking me with her tongue. Of coursekeys. I think they’d fallen out of his pocket when he’d I was pissed and I didn’t really care that much but Isat down. He started saying that we should all go back I began thinking “Why should I have to make the fistkept thinking about how young she seemed. Then sheand help him find them but none of us could be arsed move? If she’s interested she’ll come over to us.” Thewas pushing me up against the wall and she startedso we just said we’d meet him at the van. thing is, I don’t see why it’s the bloke who always hasunbuttoning her shirt. I said that we couldn’t do any-Chris Morton to do the chatting up. I mean it would be a lot easier ifthing there and she grabbed my hand and dragged girls did. Blokes are far too inactive; everyone wouldme across the road to where the public toilets were, be a lot happier if it was the other way round. But thereleading me into the girls one. again sometimes it was better to be male: I had my goal and I was in control. All I had to do was go overWhen we were in there I think she start- and say something and I’d be in. Unless she wasn’ted trying to give me a blow job or some- interested. Unless she said “What? Who are you?thing but she didn’t know what she was What are you talking about?” and all that rejectiondoing and started touching all the wrong shit. places. I was so pissed and it was in a fucking public toilet for fuck’s sake. My mates were still egging it on. I thought back to when I’d gone down the pub once with Chris, when II’d had enough. I said that I didn’t want was egging him on. It was far easier being on that sideto do anything in a place like that. Tanya of the situation. On that night the girl’s mate had final-stood up and buttoned her shirt. I ly come up to him and told him that her friend wasremained where I was, too drunk to interested. I remember hoping that wouldn’t happen tomove. She started to shout at me about me because of it being an even worse situation to behow I was useless and how I’d led her in. At least by being the initiator you stayed at a dom-on and asked me what I was expecting. inant level. Graz was now telling me that if I didn’t goI could tell that she was insulted. She over then he would do it for me. I picked up my pintgave me a kick in the bollocks, which and went over to the table full of girls. was really fucking painful, and then ran out. I was really fucked. I just said “Hello,” sat down at their table and waited for them to say something. One ofI thought about following Tanya but I the girls (I think her name was Jo) introduced me tocouldn’t really be bothered with it. the girl who’d been looking at me. Her name wasInstead I lay on the dirty floor and remi- Tanya. Jo said, “Tanya thinks you’re really horny.” Inisced about where I’d gone wrong. responded with an “Oh, right,” and carried on drinking.Then this head rush started to hit in. I I was beginning to get a headache. figured that I’d had too much to drink. I reached down to button up my trousers The headache got worse as I listened to their conver-and the toilet reappeared. I got out of sation. One of the girls was going on about how she’dthere pretty quick. met Damon at a back stage Blur gig. How he was “So nice,” and “Really intelligent, he didn’t say much butOn the way out I saw Jim and Helene he’d always understand what you were talking about.”getting off by the hedge. I was going to Yeah, right. Whatever. Tanya asked me what kind ofignore them and headed off home but music I was into and I said that I was an indie kid. Shethen Helene walked off and Jim ran up said that she was too because she liked Blur andto me asking me what I’d been up to in Oasis. the girls toilets. I said that I’d just been Barefiction 09/11/00 15 BBAREFICTIOAREFICTIONN

Memoirs of a Geisha reality, where love can easily turnAlbarn’s ever purposeful mission toeasy to read. It is especially inter-of the characters’ minds. Renton is by Arthur Golden into hurt. prove himself (as more than theesting to discover how many whitethe main character who tries to 10 out of 10 for a bestseller whichponcy son of a famous artist, with alies were written in the press. break away from his destiny as a Despite its slowis beautiful fiction and a great readstupid name) and by the quick to skagg-head. But the book is seen start this extraor-at the same time! develop friendship between the 2But the book is still a bit too nice tothrough the eyes of many of the dinary book hardest drinkers in Goldsmith’s artthe band and therefore there ischaracters. soon becomes aGisela Boehnisch college; Alex James and Grahamsomething lacking. The fact thatThe best thing about this book is real page turner. Coxon, who were flatmate’s inDamon is so arrogant, for example,that it isn’t all moralistic but just At the age of3862 days halls. After this comes the baggycould have been explored. shows you the way it is, portraying nine, Sayuri, aby Stuart Maconie scene, record company mishaps, realistically the bad things in their Japanese girl the attempt to write distinctlyTrainspotting every day lives without attempting from a tiny fish- I guess youBritish songs to contrast anby Irvine Welsh to teach you that it isn’t the way life ing village is have to under-increasingly stale grunge scene, should be led. But sometimes it against her will taken to a stand a lotand of course the whole Britpop Arguably Irvinedoes go over the top as some of geisha district in the town of Kyoto about thephenomenon that followed (the Welsh’s onlythe nastier characters sink lower where she is to discover the secret Britpop phe-battle with Oasis and the ninety six good book isand lower into their primeval and exotic world of Japanese nomenon andelection being the most important actually startedselves, or simply where some of geisha. Being absolutely frightened the nineties(plot-lines)). And then of course off as a collec-the characters get what’s coming and miserable in the beginning music scene inthey supposedly got their heads tion of shortto them. Sayuri slowly grows into her new general to reallytogether to become one of the stories captur-But the way the separate tales all role as a glamorous geisha and appreciate thebiggest bands in the world. ing the atmos-link in, though slightly confusing, is learns to adapt to a lifestyle which (plot) of this phere of innernicely original. More than that, I is fascinating and shocking at thebook. Blur were a band who wereUnfortunately the book is a tiny bit city Glasgowthink, it builds a wider, more same time. always with the scene, whetherbiased, and as with most musiclower-class life. In the beginning itdetailed, picture of this section of With this brilliant first novel Arthurthey were creating it, or jumping onbiographies there are repeatedis hard to interpret, the use ofGlasgow’s working class. It may Golden not only gives the readerthe bandwagon. sections describing how greatScottish language (which makesnot even have been deliberate at an amazing insight in one of the every song is (kind of a bullshitRab. C. Nesbit. seem easy tofirst, but this hugely original book most exciting aspects of JapaneseAnd an exciting (plot) it certainly is.thing to do). But even though it isunderstand) is difficult to compre-could even be interpreted as one of society in the 1930s and 1940s,The early days of a drunken radicalslightly biased, the history ishend at first, but once accustomedthe all-time classic alternative but also created a heroine whoart school band with no real songsdescribed with a factual and seri-to, it begins to feel more like poetryreads. effortlessly draws us into her world.but a lot of attitude was Seymour,ous viewpoint and the slightlyas the words dance around the A world where illusion clashes withbrought together by Damonmythological storytelling makes it ispages as the messed up thoughtsChris Morton OFU 16 09/11/00 Stories of Daughters, Dead People, And Beethoven acrobat, a hardman, a physical vir-Re-released finally last year, fol-Jackie, Ned’s neighbour, and his tuoso. And this is a seriously funlowing Kubrick’s death, the filmwife - with hilarious consequences. film. Come and see. once again calls into question the nature of humanity, in much theA quirky and oddly involving come- The next day, Moday the 13th, lifesame way as the infamous 1994dy, Waking Ned was hailed as a takes a turn for the darker withfeature, “Funny Games”, by bid-quiet triumph upon general Stanley Kubrick’s notorious adap-ding the audience to question theirrelease. Now’s a chance to catch tation of Anthony Burgess’ satire,own responses. Very much worththis comic and affecting film if you “A Clockwork Orange”. In a worldseeing. missed out the first time round. of hi-tech cultural decay (that looks Enjoy. strikingly like modern-dayUniversity Arts Cinema this week is Walthamstow), teenage delinquentthe comedy feature, “Waking Ned”.(This week’s column was written by Alex and his band of droogs whileA small coastal village in IrelandPrince William, the new office jun- away the bleak hours of the nightgoes to war with itself when one ofior here at OFU HQ. Sorry for any getting high on spiked milk, beforeits residents, the eponymous Ned,inconvenience caused. All com- heading out into the town for `a lit-wins the National Lottery, only toplaints to prince-of- tle of the old ultraviolence`. promptly kick the bucket. [email protected], please.) responsibility to share out the After being caught and jailed, Alexmoney then comes to rest with submits to new experimental thera- py at the promise of freedom - only As the rains pour down, it’s impor-showing on Sunday the 12th, seesto be subjected to an intense pro- tant to remember what reallyhuman dynamo Jackie Chan teamgram of psychological conditioning.At The Cinema Returned to the world incapable of counts in life. It’s also handy not toup with Chris Tucker. When MOMENTO (15) ness, the audience are made forget the things that cause youChinese Consul Han’s daughter isviolent acts, Alex becomes the vic- aware of events which Leonard pain, because with pain comeskidnapped, Han himself knows thattim of his victims... Guy Pearce (of ex-neighbourshas forgotten, allowing us to some- focus. As the Tao Te Chingthere is only one man for the job. fame) stars as Leonard, an ex-what pre-empt the finale. remarks, experience is the extractNot for this case the bungling FBI -But when the media seize the truth insurance assessor out to avengeHowever, this is somehow what of suffering. no, he needs his daughter’s martialof what has been done to Alex, the the rape and murder of his wife.makes the film. Watching how he arts teacher and part-time super-politicians enter the frame once The vital flaw in his plan is that hedeals with his inability to recollect Never is this more true than if youcop, Inspector Lee (Chan)! again and set about undoing what suffers from a condition commonlyimportant clues to the murderer’s are a international criminal master- has been done to curry public known as short-term memory lossidentity proves surprisingly addic- mind. In such a case, you might beImpatient FBI agents assign roguefavour. We see that, terrible as (caused by a blow to the head, Itive, and I was hooked till the end. forgiven for thinking that perhapsLAPD detective James Carter toAlex’s deeds are, they pale by hasten to add) and is unable toStriking an impressive balance kidnapping a diplomat’s 11-year-the case to try and babysit Lee, butcomparison to the state’s autocrat- remember anything that happenedbetween serious issues and touch- old daughter is, well, fair play. Butthis decision rankles with bothic control... since the incident for more thaningly amusing moments, the film is you would want to be careful wheremen, and before long, they are bat- around half-an-hour. This obvious-neither too heavy-going nor too you voiced this opinion, becausetling in tandem against their foe...Courting swathes of controversy ly makes the task of seeking outlight-hearted. However, there are Jackie Chan wouldn’t agree with on it’s release upon both sides of and killing the perpetrator some-certain flaws, such as the fact that you. Especially not if you’re theIf you’ve never seen a Jackie Chanthe Atlantic, the film was withdrawn what challenging. He uses anon occasion you feel that Leonard same criminal mastermind from hismovie, well... you really should.from distribution in this country by intricate system of notes and pho-has conveniently remembered just film “Rush Hour”... Hype aside, the guy does thingsKubrick himself, after a series of tographs to recognise charactersa little too much, but in general I that you’ll never see anyone else incopycat attacks - and death threats. and fulfil his mission. would say that it is definitely worth This frenetic and lightspeed-pacedthe world do... and he doesn’t seeing. action comedy, which we arebelieve in using stuntmen. He’s an Due to the nature of Leonard’s ill-7/10by Rosie Burns Websites & 09/11/00 17 Colleges:not just for Oxbridge?Website Reviews: Without a doubt, the one thing that mostthese off-campus students feel as muchmigrate to for the gaps between lec- helped me to settle into university lifea part of the university community astures, and the university’s social life is was living on campus. I was luckythose living on-campus? Certainly Ibased around the colleges, with ‘com- Charity enough to live on a floor with a greathave always thought so, but I hadmon room committees’ providing a selection of house mates and so, withinthought it wasn’t possible. Until I visitedrange of ents. Different colleges have a few weeks of being at Surrey, I feltLancaster University, that is. different atmospheres, and new stu-Have you noticed all the Christmas stuff going up very much at home and part of a realLancaster University, like Surrey, is onedents quickly discover which college already? How about all those people out there community. Other sixth form friends ofof the many universities that sprang upbest suits their taste. wearing their “poppy with pride”??? Well I know it’s mine weren’t quite so fortunate - somein the 1960’s and built brand new cam-In many ways, the colleges act as a early to worry too much about Christmas but now is of them went to universities that didn’tpuses with plenty of student accommo-devolved Students’ Union with a numberthe time that a lot of charities go all out to get dona- offer any accommodation at all, and oth-dation. Like Surrey, Lancaster studentssmaller sites around campus.tions. Ok, but what if you don’t know ers went to universities whose accom-spend some of their years living on-Consequently the main Students’ Union anything about their organisation…well then look it modation consisted of the odd streetcampus and some of their years livingbuilding at Lancaster is far less signifi-up on the web! house scattered across the town. Theyoff-campus. What makes Lancaster sig-cant in community life than it is here at all found lots of new friends and werenificantly different from Surrey is thatSurrey, which is probably a good thing http://www.poppy.org.uk This is a great site with integrated into the university community,Lancaster opted to have colleges forconsidering the difficulty we have in information from the of course, but surely not as quickly asstudents to belong to. These collegesattracting non-traditional students into history of the poppy to those of us who lived on campus witharen’t like Oxford or Cambridge’s aca-the Union building (except on Thursdayswhat the appeal is still hundreds of other freshers. demic colleges, but are more like thefor the market, of course). doing today. You can Living on-campus is great fun: there is‘houses’ that you might have belongedI wouldn’t ever expect Surrey to adopt a even download a popp- always something to do, and there areto at school. college system or anything similar. Ie for your computer, it’s always people around to talk to. OfAll students choose which college towould love it if it did, though, and itwell laid out and links course, it can all get a bit too much, andjoin when they arrive at Lancaster, andwouldn’t be too hard to implement if the back to it’s parent organisation. So if you’ve won- living off-campus during their secondmost first years will live in the accommo-will was there. My Lancaster experience dered what all us strange peopleare doing wearing year is a refreshing change for manydation block associated with that col-has convinced me that small communi-this poppy go check it out. 9/10 students. But those who live off-campuslege. ties are more effective at supporting stu- for a large proportion of their student life Each college has a building with sen-dents’ needs than one big entity thathttp://the-childrens-society.com Well the site for a can feel themselves getting increasinglyior and junior common rooms, pigeon-tries to cater for all. Past thinking at charity run on a free isolated from the university community.holes, a bar, and porters - not too dis-Surrey seems to have been mostly domain site so there is The average amount of time thatsimilar to Surrey’s court receptionsUnion-House-centric, and the main the little pop up box Surrey students spend living on campus(except for the bar!). Apart from facili-focus in the development of the building and stuff but don’t let it seem to be declining as pressure forties, though, the main benefit ofseems to have been to provide as big a deter you. This is a campus rooms increases and more andLancaster’s system is that the collegesvenue as possible for the end-of-semes- charity, yes YET more students choose Surrey because itprovide a number of small communitiester bashes and the occasional sell-out another one, run for is close to their home, especially maturefor students to belong to, not just in theFNO. Much as I love going to the Union children, but according to all the people running this students. Any undergrad who stays atyears that they live on campus. As afor these big events, I think that’s a charity it’s for the children who slip down the cracks Surrey to do a PhD, such as myself, willsimple way of ‘forcing’ off-campus stu-shame, and I am very aware that there and aren’t really helped by other charities or the gov- probably spend five or six of their sevendents to maintain contact with their col-are many students who never feel the ernment. The site is bright and colourful and well years at Surrey off-campus. lege, students collect their mail from theneed to set foot inside the Union build-laid out with all the information you need about the We will never be in a situation wherecollege pigeonholes rather that depart-ing. The solution, in my opinion, is not to charity and the projects they run. They never accept all students could spend all their yearsment pigeonholes, even returned coursetry and bring students into the Students’donations off the street, instead they have a large living on campus (most students wouldwork. Not that off-campus students need Union building, but to take the Students’base of people who use direct debit to pay any sum find that stifling anyway), but wouldn’t itto be forced to use their college facilitiesUnion to the students. you want to give monthly, it’s worth a look. 8/10 be nice if there was some way of making- the college is the natural place toAndy Gale http://www.rnib.org.uk This sites not so well laid out but it does have some good parts to it if you want to spend the time looking around and Union Security Policy they do have some fonts that some people might like to look at, if you’ve ever wanted to have braille or Your Name’s Not Down … one. DO NOT SIGN IN STRANGERS.feels that a person should be asked tomoon fonts on your computer go here and check the Only sign in those who you know andleave, then they contact their supervisoreveryday products section of the site. 6/10 Recently, we’ve been getting some com-trust, if they cause trouble inside, thenwho will advise further. In some cases ments in the Union about the role thatyou will receive the disciplinary. the need in more than obvious, andhttp://www.rnli.org.uk/Home.asp Well this is proba- our Security plays during events. To action will be taken straight away. bly something few of clear up some misconceptions, we’veI’ve been queing for over half an hour us think about but answered some of the frequently askedand security have let someone goI’ve been thrown out and I want to contrary to the belief questions about security. straight in! complain? of the AA these peo- They are either staff, or on the guest list.If you have been ejected from the build- ple are actually our I’ve lost my Union Card? ing, then you will not be permitted to fourth emergency You can’t come in. The Union is a pri-Who gets on the guest list? come back in that evening. Complaints service, they are the vate members club, to come in you mustDJ’s, friends of DJ’s, competition win-should be made the following day to thepeople who maintain and man the lifeboats around show your membership (campus) cardners, and guests of full time staff/sab-president. the UK and are currently helping in some of the baticals. floods too. OK so you may not think it’s all that Can’t my friend sign me in? Security are on a power trip? important if you live inland but if you’ve ever been on No. You can only sign in bona fideThe person in front of me didn’t payNo, working security can quite often bea ferry or sailing out on the ocean these would be guests, a member who has lost theirto get in! a daunting and stressful task. There isthe people you call when you get in trouble so check card is a member without a card not aAll off-duty casual staff from the Unionone member of staff per 100 students onout the page, it’s good, full of information and things guest. are permitted free entry to the buildinga busy night and each member must beto do and they need peoples help to help us. 8/10 (except ticketed events) secure whilst in the building. Security But I come here every week? must also ensure that the DJ’s, band’shttp://www.mind.org.uk/ The last on my list of sites, Many people come regulary, but ourI’ve been asked to leave, why? and Union equipment is safe. When youalthough there are security staff cannot be expected toIf you are a danger to other members inhave had a lot to drink, and you are talk-more out there, these remember individual faces the building, or have been offensive toing to a member of staff who is sober,people are looking to other members, then you will be askedyour perception of the conversation willhelp anyone with any When can I sign guests in? to leave. You will also be asked to leavediffer greatly from theirs (most peoplekind of mental health Guests can be signed in from 10am-if you have had too much to drink. talk crap when pissed). problems in England 10pm every day except for Friday and Wales. The site nights. Members wanting to bring aI don’t want to go. Security are not perfect, but expereinceis well laid out and has information on all aspects of guest into the Union on a Friday nightIf you do not leave when asked, thenhas shown us that it is better to use stu-the charity, it’s also a pretty colour must buy a guest ticket from reception.you will physically removed dent staff than outside security compa-being mainly blue with some purple…the navigation Guest tickets are on sale all week and nies (we tried that). If you would like tohas a nice effect at the top of the page definitely up until 7pm on a Friday. That’s assault work security then feel free to put yourworth a look see. 7/10 No it’s not. name forward at the front desk. How many guests can I sign in? Each student can sign in up to twoWho decides who is thrown out? Alan Roy guests. Life members can only sign inIf an individual member of security staff

09/11/00 Gossip, Sex & The Universe 19

Big Sister LIFEAFTER Well this week has seen some asking no questions), you tried organs. THE ups and downs – so to speak. to scale a certain Cathedral Also noted was a blonde Major Whilst retailers have been on court building before trying the who felt some Freddy PRECHA WOMB the up with sociology students, doorbell!! And, even after being this weekend. it’s been the Chemistry lot on the let in….how did you think you Dearest Beaker, like us, you by Rich W down, looking for lost coats and were going to get into your feel you have to keep on eye on falling flat on their faces whilst room? You had no keys. Still, toi- all the goings on in the union I don’t suppose that feeling of immanence and impending has keeping the student staff up until let roll I am sure, made a great ...especially when it involves caught up with you, and that you’re feeling the strain of course- God knows what hour! duvet and pillow. your sister. So the pulling ability work deadlines and exam revision already, but if it has, help is at Again, G-Mas went off with a Union on Wednesday night is genetic, is it? Nice to see that hand - the television is in a room not too far away and, best of all, bang. They can’t just play their held a few surprises for a certain even though she had her arm in it has your name written all over it. music without some trouble football girl, you go girl! a sling, it didn’t stop her from Yep, ‘fraid so...revision will have to take a back seat to your tele- going on! Keep us informed you Is the weather getting you playing with that hockey players visual habits and sit its lazy fat-ass in a dark corner of a very dark never fail to amuse us. down, boys or perhaps you are stick. Perhaps you could learn room, because the attraction that is banal afternoon chat debates Chemistry students must real- getting used to it? So used to it some handy tips because it has and entertaining quiz shows has just entered the building, and is ly learn how to behave properly. you feel the need to leak your been a long time since your tips feeling very horny. Consider for a second the metaphorical box- Picking up drunks and flayling bladder on the carpets for that been handy. ing match that is an afternoon of arduous revision versus the your arms around policemen just extra special tramp feeling. Bob, You know the deal by now, enjoyment procured by watching TV: isn’t the way to go. Perhaps pass us the toilet roll? send the gory gossip to us on “Laaaaaadiiieeees aaaanndddd geeeeeentlemeeennn, in the Chemistry students ought to Friday night went whippingly [email protected] red corner, weighing in at two hours of your spare time and look- have a specialist module on how well for one particular pussy cat. m And remember tarts, we are ing very, very ugly indeed, I give you Ronald “the Right Royal to handle alcohol or perhaps just With that outfit its no wonder you still watching! Wanker” Revision....and in the blue corner, weighing in at one- drink the old H2O…you’re all a pulled……or did you? black-box-on-top-of-a-very-attractive-television-set-and-my-god- bunch of lightweights! Smiler (Hannibal Lecter), the Tinks & Winks, with a handful of it-is-one-sexy-momma-of-a-poppa, I give you, the undisputed king Sideshow Bob has been up barmaid treated a non-Surrey help from Mr Big. of afternoon free-time, Dimitri “the Delicious Demi-God” Digital to his usual tricks, yoga on the student to some extra special Box, with his more-than-able assistant, the delightful, the beauti- pub floor? What will you be biting action. Kinky if gory was a ful, the shit-i-wish-i-had-my-tight-pants-on-because-there’s-move- doing next, sleeping in toilets?? way to go but you left him a bit ment-in-my-loins-that-I-can’t-control, Tania “the Titilator” Oh you did. So Bob, having lost battered in the morning and Television.” your keys in a bush (and we are missing a few chunks from vital With all due respect, there’s not much of a bout there, is there? Well, this is what I thought, until recently, when it occurred to me that television programming is, in fact, crap. I’m well aware that to Who’s Been Caught This Weekon camera many, this is what attracts them - the sheer ‘badness’ of it all. (‘Bad’ in the ‘shit’ sense of the word, and not in the ‘Michael- Jackson-you-know-I’m...’ sense of the word, although he does seem to be trying to define his own meaning), but that doesn’t really pickle my gherkin - I’m after quality entertainment and gen- uine I’m-watching-TV-because-I-like-what-I-see reasons. Take, for example, “The Weakest Link”. Basic premise is this: answer questions correctly otherwise you go away with the feeling that you’re shit and your life will amount to nothing, thanks to Ann whatever-her-name-is, old-bird-from-Watchdog. Not entertaining in the least, more annoying...I’d rather be watching my TV than throwing things at it, but some of the people on this damned quiz make me launch the closest thing to hand, be it inanimate or liv- ing...believe me when I say that some people really do need to be shot, and, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m the man to do it. (The man who was apparently a member of MENSA and thought that Barcelona was the capital of Spain is a particularly good example of this). What you want from a quiz show are examples of people with superior intelligence, so that those watching at home feel like the country is safe in the hands of those who know the answers to the questions you haven’t the foggiest about. Can I suggest that you look no further than 15 to 1for such a programme: William G. Stewart - my hero, and just what does that ‘G’ stand for? ...and the bloody news...what on earth is that all about? Firstly, you’re not sure what time it’s on because the schedulers are too busy buggering around with it, and then, by the time it is actually on, it’s full of shit...so much so that you ask yourself if the stuff they’re showing you is actually going on or whether some bloke in the props department is making it all up. Ok, so that last bit is a bit harsh, but I do have a point here. The Queen Mother trips getting into her car (don’t worry, she wasn’t driving) and it makes every major news bulletin for the next three days. Three days, for christ’s sake - what is wrong with people? Who cares if the Queen Mother trips? I say, let her trip...let her do If you have any photos you wish to send into barefacts thenher other hip in and get free bloody surgery on that one as well; in fact, why don’t we wait until her next accident and then televise the please send them to [email protected] or pop themsurgery that is undertaken to fix the old hag - that’ll be entertain- ing, won’t it - just like “Animal Hospital”, but with the Queen Mother into the office in the Students’ Union instead of some dog... As I say, the news is crap. The fact that they’re still going on about the floods is proof alone, even if you forget about the Queen Personals Mother thing. (By the way, I have an idea - here we all are, moan- ing about the floods and stuff, and we’re full of the ‘aren’t we so - www.chipsmoreanallyreten- tions???? FOR 450 RESIDENTS ON CAM- hard done by’ attitude. So what I reckon is, get all the monsoon tivethanever.com - Stag Hill Court Social CommitteePUS???? victims from Bangladesh to live here and we’ll all move to - www.bychipswemeanbenmccorma-presents... Christmas Shopping in WHERE IS THE FLOCK??? HAVE Bangladesh...see how we cope then. Although, the funniest thing ckthefinalyear.co.uk London!!! U LOST THEM AGAIN!!! UkTB - www.doyougetthemes- Thursday 7th December, £5 on- - When PURPLE hair meets about the floods was that they hit Bognor...at which point, having sageyetchips.org campus students, £6 off-campus. BLEACHED BLOND HIGHLIGHTS seen this on the news, my friend jumped up and shouted “yeh, and - Little Lou: we saw you getting Coach will leave from campus for the chemistry just isn't there. He'd people from Bognor fucking deserve it as well”. Very funny) . jiggy with little kingy, be good! London at 5pm and will return rather have SPECIAL BREW, while So, anyway, my point is this - before abandoning anything to - "Who is the spikey haired cowboybefore midnight! she'd prefer STELLA!!!!! seat yourself in front of the TV, ask yourself one simple question - from fetish night pictured at the bot-Tickets will be on sale at Stag Hill- KANE we saw you HANGING is it going to move you and make you think about stuff you would- tom of the picture page with Luke??Court Reception soon... Keep ur i'saround in the WARDENS garden, n’t normally think about, or is it going to reduce your brain activity VERY sexy and i believe he is alsopeeled! how is the tree!!! Pictures soon to to that of some old-and-past-it woman who can’t get into a car the girls hockey coach!!! any other- J, what's so special about Sarahsfollow. girls agree??" (It's Chris..ed) room?!? -Paul from house 59, house 51 properly? I think it’s a fair question to ask, for its implications are - Interested to going into London to- Jamie, hand over the zip disk - wants your body!! far reaching in our degree attainment, and one that I myself am do some Christmas shopping at explicit porn IS illegal! - WHY DOES IT ALWAYS going to ponder whilst watching Watercolour Challenge. Oxford St. and to see the decora- - WHO's THE PASTORAL CARER RAIN???? Lifestyle 20 09/11/00

Dr Russ

Dear Russ Library. This contains brief descriptions of the work which various academic staff in British I am thinking about doing a PhD. Howuniversities are carrying out. The next step should I go about it and how do I knowwould be to send your CV with a covering let- I would be suited to it anyway? ter explaining what you would like to do and why. You can make as many applications as Dear Gemma you like. ARE YOU HAPPY PAYING TUITIONdoes provide entry on purely academic cri- FEES? teria. It is probably better if I answer the secondFinally, if you would like to stay at Surrey, all part of your question first. I have lost count ofyou need to do is mention your interest to theTHIS COULD BE YOUR LAST CHANCEProtection against the threat of differ- the number of PhD students I have seen overmember of staff with whom you would like toTO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT… ential or top-up feesso that the quality of the years who have wanted to give up. Inwork and they will tell you what might be a student’s education is not determined by many cases, they simply hadn’t realised justavailable. On Wednesday November 15th, Studentsan ability to pay and that higher education how different a PhD would be from a first across the nation have the opportunity tois not divided by the creation of an expen- degree. Apart from one or two special doc- unite with NUS to take part in the Grantssive elite. torates, most PhDs involve no lectures, noRuss Clark not Fees event in order to show the nation revision and just one single 2-3 hour exam atCareers Service just how committed us poor students areNUS have organised this and are cam- paigning hard on behalf of every student, the end. You may find yourself working alone to the abolition of Tuition Fees, and this is for long periods. You may meet what appear our chance to do it with one huge impactso lets show them that surrey students are with them 100%. to be insurmountable problems or you may of a united voice. simply fail to obtain the Months of planning have gone into making results or information which Some of you may well remember thesure this Grants not Fees event will not you need. You are therefore march for education last year whereonly make a huge impact but also that you more likely to succeed if you 1,000’s of students marched acrosswill all enjoy it. If you support the cause are determined, patient, London and threw 100’s of rubber ducks(i.e. you are not happy about the likely have good time manage- into the Thames. Everyone that went hadpossibility of leaving uni in a ridiculous ment skills and the ability to a wicked time last year and this year theamount of debt) then use your voice and solve problems. It also goes turn out could be even better, particularlysign up in the union reception to join this without saying that you as it is a crucial time as the parliamentaryevent (or email me on s.westwell@sur- should have an enquiring elections approach. The Grants not Feesrey.ac.uk - free transport will be of course mind and a love for the sub- event will begin at 11.00 am on 15thbe provided from campus to and from the ject you are studying. Do November in Malet Street in London. Fromevent. We do realise that it may clash with you think you fit the bill? If here everyone will then march together tosome of your lectures but please be you have serious doubts Kennington Park where London Mayorassure that all university staff will be about these requirements a Ken Livingstone, NUS National Presidentinformed that students may wish to attend PhD might not be right for Owain James and others will address thethis and that all Trade Unions are support- you. rally. An added bonus this year to end theing this event so it should not be a problem day in a more celebratory style, there willfor them to let you go. Moving on to the other part be a special concert for all the students of your question, a good participating held at Brixton Academy fea-Tickets for the after party concert (Artful place to start looking is in turing Roni Size/Reprazent, The ArtfulDodger, Freestylers, Manchild, Roni Size Prospects Postgraduate Dodger, The Freestylers and Manchild.etc.!) do have to be bought in advance. Directory, a copy of which We are also trying to organise for specialYou can still just come along to the rally can be seen in the Careers t-shirts to be made so you might even beand march for free, it is not obligatory that Library. It is also available able to take a memento of the day – ityou go the after party as tickets for this do on the internet. They will could make history after all! cost – but all those featured acts will be for give you some idea of the no more than £5 so it is a complete bar- kind of research going on in Without action to eliminate unequalgain if you are considering it. More details different parts of the country. access to higher education, higher educa-of how to buy these tickets are available at If you would like more tion may once again become the almostthe Union Reception as well as the signing detailed information you exclusive preserve of the wealthy. Theup list for the march. So come along and could try Current Research recent Cubie Inquiry into student fundingjoin the march with your fellow students. in Britain, a copy of which in Scotland highlighted many of the defi- can be seen in the Main ciencies of the UK system and radically altered the policy of the Scottishby Susie Westwell Executive. Scottish students are now eligi- ble for income-contin- gent maintenance Cindy’s Minibus allowances and are Every Monday Night exempt from upfront tuition fee payments. Leaving Chancellors between 10pm –11.30pm NUS is calling for this Pick up from Cindie’s between 1.15am –2.30am system to be extend- ed to all students throughout the UK, Hazel Farm just as the campaign- ing worked in Every Wednesday and Friday Night Scotland, with Pick Up at Hazel Farm Bus stop (Senate University) enough support it can work here in the UK 1.45am –2.45am too.

NUS is committed to: The restoration of targeted grants in orderto encourage potential students from poor socio-eco- nomic backgrounds into higher education without the fear of huge graduate debt. The abolition of tuition feesin order that education may be free at the point of entry, does not dis- criminate against those who can’t afford to pay and 09/11/00 Societies 21

Notices Exec Committee Thursday 9th November DoctorsDoctors && NursesNurses NighNightt5pm Grant Mitchell Room Student Councill Anything but hospital radio! Tuesday 14thNovember Last Saturday saw the first event from Surrey’s 1pm Main Union own student radio station, GU2. With a theme of “dirty doctors and naughty nurses” the Central Committee dancefloor heaved to the medical massive as Thursday 16th November have-a-go bongos joined the beat pounding sounds of some of the best of GU2’s DJ crew. Attention:: One of the most successful Saturday nights this term, you can expect more in the future. On Saturday, 4thNovember, GU2 officially launches at the start of February the Alpine Garden Society on 1350am, tune in - it’s anything but brain sur- held a successful all-day gery! X-Ray-tastic meeting in the Lecture Noise Surgeons Theatre Block. During the After keyhole surgery on Saturday night the packing up operation at results were about 4:45pm, someone as follows, passing through the lower concourse picked up a small plant in a pot from a table there. The plant is labeled ANEMONE POLYANTHES and will not live for long in a heated room. It is a high mountain plant needing spe- cialist care and is not avail- able from ordinary garden The Sisters Of Mercy Dance Dentists Ear Canal Specialist centres but only from special- ist suppliers. The rightful owner requests that it be returned so that it may receive the tender loving care that it deserves. Please deliver the plant to the Union reception, as soon as possi- ble.

Unis Choirr UniS Choir, Soloists, and Baroque Players present a The Two Surgeons of Noise Look at that pair Ear Drum Specialist Lunchtime Concert on Wednesday 15th November at 1:10pm in Guildford the right and the left, with your steering levers,said a word about the jump itself. Well, unfortu- Cathedral. and (always a useful one this) can you landnately the weather intervened, even to the safely. Then you can have a ‘play’ and enjoyextent where the plane could not even take off. the ride for about 1,500 feet. So over the next few weeks we will all jump and Performing Handel's 'Acis The ‘playing’ generally means head over to aplease be assured you will get to see photos of and Galatea', conducted by designated area, where you can try out things;our faces as we land. Nicholas Conran. for example you could go into a spiral, or send Extreme Sports Club your stomach up somewhere close to yourBy Luke Hickey. Admission Free - everyone brain by ‘pumping’ and then releasing the welcome. I’m a sensible kind of guy, ask anybody; I neverlevers quickly. Anyway, after your fun comes do anything stupid or risky, I’m even frightenedthe serious bit of landing, there is a set pattern, Food Allergy similar in a way to how an aircraft lands, you go of dogs (no jokes about I can’t pull good look- Do you have a food allergy? ing birds either please). So why on earth wouldaround the side of the landing area and then turn around, come back and land, hopefully And five minutes to fill in a I want to throw myself out of a plane, 3,500 feet questionnaire for my off the ground, safe in the knowledge that ifwithout breaking anything. dissertation. Then call both my parachutes fail my death will be pain- Despite the obvious risks, parachuting is a less and instant, but immediate. I found myselfvery safe sport, especially at the beginners Hannah on extension 55427 asking this question as I ran to Senate Houselevel. The guys who trained us have about 1 in a world record time, to arrive for the 6:30ambeginner’s main parachute ‘fail’ each year (out AGM’s start last Saturday (damm useless alarm clock).of about one thousand first time jumpers), and I was about to spend a day being taught aboutin most cases this is student error. In each case the noble art of parachuting. the reserve has fired properly and you anyway Thursday 9th November are taught the drill for any problems so well that Ultimate Frisbee AGM After our short minibus ride to the London A variation to the school game ‘sticky mud’ Parachute School’s base in Oxfordshire, theyou can change parachutes in two seconds. Time 7pm, Union eleven slightly insane individuals congregatedSociety chairman, Steve Payne told us that the chances of both parachutes failing are about in a parish hall and began being barked at by Thursday November 9th an ex-serviceman. During the day we werethe same as winning the lottery and being Funk Society, 7pm shown everything, as you would expect andstruck down by lightening and the same time. indeed hope. In fact, not only were we shown So why would you want to undertake this experience? Well here are a few quotes from Thursday November 9th everything, it was drilled into us so much that Nightline AGM, 18AD04 6PM you can do it instinctively. the people do did go on the training day: If you wanted to do a parachute jump, the first‘Floating at 100mph must be something, I have thing you would do is jump, sorry to be obvious,to try it out’ (Tamas Kormos) ‘I love the fear’ Thursday November 9th so you learn how to do that without getting(Richard Longland) ‘It would be rude not to’ Third World Development caught up on the plane (or almost twisting your(Jonathan Wood) ‘It will back up my claims to AGM ankle like I managed). Next your main para-bravery’(Gareth Torner). Even our own editor 6.30pm - LTE chute has to open, a static line, which goesKev Marston took part in the day and said ‘I want to experience the adrenalin rush and from a solid point in the plane to you backpack, Thursday November 9th automatically opens it. As you start yourfalling peacefully through the air’. By now you may have noticed something; Student Industrial Society descent, you have to perform a number of The Extreme Sports Crew and Trainer AGM, 7.30pm TB23 checks; such as can you maneuver yourself toI’ve waffled on about the training day and not Sport 22 09/11/00 SurreySurrey PridPridee Sporting VernaclerSix A Side Results Keep the reports coming in! Its great to Thumbs up should also be given toWednesday 1st saw Real Wages play Consult Hyperion in the six a side football competi- be able to keep everyone updatedMountain Walking for their continued feed-tion at the Varsity Centre. An early blunder by goalie “Chip” Monks, letting in a soft long about Surreys continued competitionback. Other non competitive clubs shouldrange shot looked to have cost Real the chance of any points in a tough match. However successes (and the less common loss-get writing however. Firstly so we don’t justalmost straight from the kickoff Consults goalie made an identical mistake allowing a long es). It would also be good to hearhear about MWC and Surf and secondly sorange shot from Nathan in to make it 1-1. The game was evenly matched and later “Chip” about a few teams that have not fea-everyone hears about what you get up to.redeemed himself with an excellent close range save, and so the game ended 1-1. The tured yet this year. Quite notably, the result leaves Real Wages 2nd in the group with 2 games to play. At the post match inter- You can definitely recruit through writing arti- mens teams. There is nothing wrong in view Chairman “JR” Stacey was asked about the performance “We always knew it would cles and if you can get some photos in as lagging behind the other half of the be a tough game and would have settled with a point before hand, however any more mis- sport. Just try to put some spin on yourwell then your club will look even better. takes like that by the goalie and we might have to dive into the transfer market” Real activities. Surely someone in the club Wages next play in the 5 a side competition Thursday (today) lunchtime. REAL WAGES must be used to making “things” soundChops MEDIA better than they really are! Chance Brown UniS Squash hit a slight snag last week, wematch and Chris behaved in exactly theWith unerring skill he kept his opponentmenting with a new tactic, playing so badly lost a string! Playing away at Brunnel, wesame fashion finishing with a 9-0. Althoughpinned to the ‘T’ for large portions of thethat he was hoping to catch his opposition had a great drive around the M25 in our lit-it must be stated that he didn’t go 4-8 downgame, presenting him with opportunity foroff guard and surprise him with his interest- tle Corsa, all five plus bags again! We hadin the second game before deciding it mightkills all over the place. His length was fan-ing shot selection. In short he was not good, the usual flawless performances from thebe a good idea to win- Mike! So with stringstastic, contriving to bounce of the back wallwhen he was good he was bad and when he lower end, Martin Page and Stuart Morbin,one, three, four and five under our belt westraight to his opponents racket, his dropswas bad he was very bad indeed. He lost, strings four and five respectively. Neither ofcould end this report here and all go homeeither being driven straight into the tin orcollecting nine points along the way (in sep- them dropped a single point in their 27-0none the wiser. But no, full attention has tosomewhere around the middle of the frontarate games!), three love! So if you happen demolition of the opposition. Mike did hisbe drawn to the interesting display by ourwall. His running game was so fast it wasto see this squash genius around campus usual of making the opposition look muchsecond string, Paul Chance. impossible to see him run it was so fast, sodo feel free to shout out a greeting, his nick better than they were, closing out two closeNever in the history of University of Surreyfast in fact that we never saw him run in thenames from his team mates will do, I am games before a 9-0 game to clinch thesquash has such talent been displayed.whole miss-match. Perhaps he was experi-sure you can work them out. VACANCIES FULL TIME & PART TIME EVENINGS, WEEKENDS LUNCH TIMES HOURS TO SUIT

BENEFITS INCLUDE FREE MEALS, CAR PARKING, HOLIDAY PAY, BONUSES £5.62 per Hour* (Fri, Sat and Sun evenings after 6pm) £4.50 per Hour (Starting rate at all other times)

Burger King North Street Burger King Ladymead Retail Park (By the A3/Wooden Bridge) Guildford Drop in and fill in an application form today! Speak to Kyle (Duty Manager) Phone 01483-539822 09/11/00 Sport 23 SurreySurrey PridPridee Two Sticks and MeUniSport

The Nordic Pole-Walking experi-poles properly (it’s not really difficult, I’m Varsity Bar ence. just extremely un-coordinated!) and set The Beer Festivalat the Varsity Centre is on off. Despite falling over my feet a couple Friday 8th December 5-11pm FREE ENTRANCE. If you were out around campus atof times, I quickly picked up the rhythm Over 30 different real ales. Happy hour 5-6pm. lunchtime Tuesday or Wednesdayand was striding away like a regular. I Come early it gets busy! you may have seen a small group ofcould feel the muscles in my upper arms determined walkers with brightlyand shoulders very quickly, so it must We are considering holding a regular UniSport coloured poles, and thought, Whohave been doing some good! At the end Quiz Nightat the Varsity Centre. Teams of five, are they? What are they doing?of the walk I felt like I’d had a workout, entry fee £10 to include a jug of beer and snacks Don’t they look silly?! and on such a beautiful day it was great plus a donation to charity. Thoughts??????? In fact, this group would have beento be outside doing something! When the practising the art of Nordic Pole-Walking,Mountain Walking Club goes out at the Every Mon, Tues, Thurs 5.30-7pm ‘Great brought back from Finland by Sally Edieweekends, I will join them having bor- Juggage’in the form a 4 Pinter for £6. Each per- at UniSport. Having seen a few postersrowed a pair of poles! (mail mountain- son imbibing during this period will be entered into around, and spoken to Sally about [email protected] for more info). a raffle to be drawn at 7pm. Prizes include beer fact that it uses up MORE CALORIESIf you want to know more, contact Sally and food vouchers. than normal walking, I thought it wasat UniSport. You can join in the fun on about time I had a go. Dragging a friendTuesday lunchtimes at 1.05pm outside Elite Sports Programme along with me, I met Sally on WednesdaySenate House, or on Wednesday Congratulations to Peter Holden for representing lunchtime lunchtimes at the same time in UniSport. England and winning in the European Long Range when she took us through the history ofCome along, be inspired! Shooting Team Championships held recently at the sport, the benefits and how fun it was Bisley. Peter, 1st Yr Mech Eng, came 5th of the 12 - Sally is very enthusiastic! After a shortMadeleine M English shooters. Other nations competing were warm-up, we figured out how to hold the Germany, Channel Isles, Wales, Scotland, and Ireland.

Challenge UniSport Come Hell or Very High WaterIf you can get a group together to challenge the guys and girls at any sport you wish then contact John Perrin, [email protected] (p.s. go easy as WOMEN’S WATERPOLO Nathalie, Jen, Jo and Hannah, whoRaffaella, Susie and myself being the some of us are getting on - still there is no substi- 10 - 4 WIN! all showed great potential for futureonly exclusions of the game - what can I tute for experience!). Only criteria, being that it has success. say - we don’t know our own strength!! to be played at the UniSport facilities. As ever our goals came thick and fastSo, a great start to the season which Against all the odds (well, torrential with 3 each from Barbara, Susie andwe are sure to continue. Watch this Retail rain, wind and flooded roads) and a Heather, and a bonus goal from our cap-space for photos and more reviews, and Currently on offer in the sport centre shop UniS lengthy journey, the Women’s tain Raffaella. Southampton tried tokeep your fingers crossed for our BUSA printed Ts were £6.99 now £5, UniS printed Waterpolo team won in the first retaliate and made a good attempt in thetournament on the 19th November. Sweatshirts were £17.99 now £12. Also check out game of the season on Sunday third quarter, but were kept at bay byMany thanks to our coach Nick and driv- the SALE RAIL. Varsity Centre shop is offering dis- night. Despite the poor weather we Maddy and Rachel, with Tennille block-er Roger for their support. counts on various footwear styles including astro, had a good turnout with a mixture of ing them in goal. We were quite well soccer, squash and tennis. new and experienced players. Thebehaved (by our standards!) withby Sarah Bowen. game was a debut for players Volleyball Workshop The Thursday evening beginners session has now finished. All those who attended are welcome to come to the club sessions at 7.30 (women) and 8.30 (men). Thank you to Vibeke and Heidi for tak- ing the sessions.

Body Max New courses will start on Monday 13thNovember at 7pm and on Thursday 16thNovember at 12pm and 1pm. Please register at sport centre reception for these five week courses of fitness training with light weights, steps and dynobands.

Pilates A reminder that the 2nd5 week Pilates course will start on Tuesday 14thNovember at 12pm and 1pm for all those who have signed up.

Check out the staff profiles on our web site www.unisport.co.uk SURRESURREYYPRIDPRIDEE

MOUNTAINWALKING FOOTBALLDELIGHT

This weekend the Mountain University ‘A’ 4 Wilson had a chance to increase Walking Club was fairly busy. the lead, but shot wide. After he On Friday night we met up in Pirbright 0 got an attempt on target the keep- Chancellors to have a few er saved it, but Jason Doyle drinks before going to watch After a fairly promising start topounced to punish the sloppy the University fireworks. Pete the league the team knew thisdefence. 3-0 at half time and didn’t need much persuasion was a stern test of theirPirbright held an inquest. to break his abstinence ban - resolve. Pirbright were the The second half Pirbright came apparently he’d given up alco- unbeaten leaders of theback at us but the centre backs of hol for the month of league, and had crushed theDarrell (+ sideboards) and Paul nd November...2 days later... Now university 2team in the cupTrewin held strong. With the full- it’s been changed to, he’ll only last week! Despite this thebacks looking accomplished in drink in moderation, for the team got off to a flying startdefence and attack, the University month of November! Sorry with Sam Musk & Simonbegan to cruise. This was worth- Pete, I know you thought your Wilson causing havoc downwhile as Darrell decided not to try friends would never find out the wings. After 20 minutesto kick the ball to Tescos and the breakthrough came. about Friday! The Mountain Walking team take a wellearned rest decided to pass the ball, which On Saturday morning, with Mike Although the University wereFat Scouse chased and was 1 on suffering a slight hangover, we setMaddie arrived proudly displayingto have Elaine with us, a third yearplaying ‘champagne football’1 with the keeper. This led to one off on our walk around Shalford.a pair of Fitness poles, used fornurse who has been promising tothe 1stgoal came from a mas-of the funniest moments of the Nordic-style Pole-walking, muchjoin us for over 2 years now!sive kick by the ‘pretty boy’year. Despite having cramp he to everyone’s amusement. SheThanks to all who came, it was‘keeper Cushway (sporting acarried on forward and beat the had some difficulty around thegood to see that we haven’t man-new Beckham style haircut)keeper, and then fell in a heap, to high street but once the pathsaged to put anyone off yet, asand Fat Scouse chased thebe wheeled off to the hospital. became less crowded it becameJose, Helen, Rob and Heidi allthrough ball and slotted itThe University ‘A’ are back while much easier. Evan seemed scaredcame back for more! passed the Pirbright ‘keeper. the second team curl up in a ball that If anyone is interested in joining The physical side of the gameand cry to their mothers! she was carrying something thatus, but can’t make it to the meet-came out and the duo of Kev could apparently be classed as aings on Tuesday lunchtimes 1pm Warren and Jason Doyle held usAndy Berry lethal weapon, for some reason? in the Teaching Block foyer, pleasestrong in the middle. We were very lucky with thee-mail us atThe second goal came weather as it stayed warm [email protected] minutes after the first bright all day. I am not sure if weThere will be another short walkand it was Captain ever made it to Shalford as Mikethis Sunday, if you wish to comeCourageous who got seemed to have some difficultyplease meet outside the Union byit. Fat Scouse chased with the mapreading, even withthe cashpoint at 9.30am. Anyonea lost cause and Decision Time Eleanor’s help. We were pleasedwelcome! whipped the ball into the danger area. The Welsh Wizard reacted first to skin his man and beat the ‘keeper at FANTASTICFENCINGFEATShis near post. Simon ‘spooner’ The Footie team as they were The last few weeks have beenattempts at persuasion theytition and considering the calibre pretty hectic for both the fencingrefused to open. Unfortunatelyof their opponents, we all think teams. On Wednesday of weekneither of our teams managed tothey did rather well! The men’s seven we had our first match, thewin this match, although the menteam also had an away match women can lay claim to a homeput up a good fight, especially inagainst Essex, which they won by victory against Queen Mary’s andsabre! The day was rounded off bya large margin – Well done lads! Westfield (QMW) but unfortunatelya slightly surreal experience inThe general consensus is that the men did not do quite so wellSainsbury’s car park! everyone who took part enjoyed against University College LondonThen last week was our secondthemselves and everyone fenced (UCL). away match. The girls headed offwell. In week eight we all headed offKing’s College, London, againstSince the BUSA divisions have to Imperial College, London in awhom we did not really standbeen changed, the fencing teams minibus (driven by our fantasticmuch chance. They were the teamhave discovered that, at least in and ever patient chairman – yepwho beat the team who beat usour opinion, we would probably that would be Daniel!). We had anthe week before. (Any questions?)have done better if they had interesting time and got some veryIt was our hardest match yet,stayed the same. I think both strange looks as we all troopedagainst some girls who actuallyteams have now fought their hard- across London in our fencinghave national standards. Nationalest matches, with the expected whites! We had actually been dou-standing versus our little team,results, but we will all have the ble-booked with a graduation teamade up of one epéeist, twochance to redeem ourselves when in the sports hall, so we had tofoilists and two beginners. (Youwe play them in the second round. change venues half way throughneed three members for each Our next fixtures take place on the match and ended up fencing inteam). It was both Claire’s andWednesday 8thNovember the bar, which despite ourBecky’s first real fight in a compe-between 2:00pm and 4:00pm in the UniSport Hall. The women are playing Reading and the men take on Royal Holloway. Finally a huge thank you to all our supporters and to Richard, Justin, Daniel and Steve for the coaching and advice they give us. Also get well soon wishes to Emily and Dave, hope they will be back with us soon!

By Claire Hathway and Rebecca Lambert Edited by Stella Webb One way to score a point