Beyond Carla Wills-Brandon Beyond the Chase Beyond the Chase Breaking Your Obsessions That Sabotage True Intimacy Carla Wills-Brandon ® Hazelden Center City, Minnesota 55012 hazelden.org © 2009 by Carla-Wills Brandon All rights reserved. Published 2009 Printed in the United States of America No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy- ing, recording, scanning, or otherwise—without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Wills-Brandon, Carla, 1956– Beyond the chase : breaking your obsessions that sabotage true intimacy / Carla Wills-Brandon. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-1-59285-718-0 (softcover) 1. Intimacy (Psychology) 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Man-woman relationships. 4. Interpersonal communication. I. Title. BF575.I5W55 2009 158.2—dc22 2009017614 Editor’s note The names, details, and circumstances may have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned in this publication. This publication is not intended as a substitute for the advice of health care professionals. Alcoholics Anonymous and AA are registered trademarks of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. 13 12 11 10 09 1 2 3 4 5 6 Cover design by Theresa Jaeger Gedig Interior design by Kinne Design Typesetting by BookMobile Design and Publishing Services To my own dance partner, Michael, and to my “little dancers,” Aaron and Joshua • The Dance • i like you! i do! i really like you! I think I love you! I do! I really LOVE you! I MEAN it! I’m SERIOUS! I NEED YOU! I DO! I MUST HAVE YOU! RIGHT NOW! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU! I’LL DIE! what? i’ve got you? really? umm . okay, what do we do now? ? CONTENTS Foreword by Michael Brandon .........................................ix Acknowledging Angels .................................................xi Introduction: Asking Why When Love Goes Wrong Again .............1 1. The Thrill of the Chase ..............................................5 2. The Acorn Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree: How We Learn about Relationships ................................17 3. Painful Memories: The Impact of Childhood Abuse on Healthy Intimacy .............................35 4. The Emotional Affair: Cheating without the Sex ..................55 5. Why We Can’t See the Dancing Elephant: The Alcoholic, the Addict, and the Co-addict ......................73 6. Work Addiction: The Socially Acceptable Intimacy Buffer .........89 7. Sexual Obsessions, Cybersex, and Addiction: Distancing from Intimate Relationships with Fantasy. .103 8. Am I Hungry or Am I Hurting? Intimacy Dysfunction and Food Addiction Issues .................119 9. Are Kids the Problem? Or Are They Being Used as a Barrier to Intimacy? ..........................................131 10. Using Religion as a Cover: Hiding from Healthy Intimacy ........145 11. Building Healthy Intimacy ........................................163 Appendix A: Barriers to Intimacy Worksheets ........................171 Appendix B: Self-Help Resources .....................................191 Bibliography ..........................................................205 About the Author ....................................................209 vii FOREWORD I was recently watching a popular television talk show devoted to the topic of sex. During one segment, the discussion centered on monoga- my. The host was interviewing a very good-looking guy. Although the guest was dressed as if headed for an athletic day at the beach, he wasn’t talking about nutritional supplements or protein powders. Instead, he’d made a name for himself promoting his own sexual cause. He believed men needed a variety of types of women for sexual purposes. I just had to call Carla out of the kitchen, where she was cooking up a new dish for supper. As she walked into the study, we both heard the guest say, “Men want to have sex with all types of women all of the time. Cheating is normal! Women need to understand this, deal with it, and it’s my job to convince them!” Carla burst out laughing. When asked by the inter- viewer about committed relationships and marriage, he replied, “Ridiculous! Fidelity isn’t normal.” Then he described how he’d made a fortune giving online suggestions to women who’d been cheated on, and I could tell Carla was now getting irritated. Shaking her head, she said, “Another parasite taking advantage of those who’re emotionally in pain.” With this, she went back to the comfort of preparing her Russian dish for that evening’s meal. After I set the dinnerware out, I turned back to the television set. Hearing the guest now angrily chastising helping professionals, I sus- pected he had some serious intimacy issues of his own. In spite of his high level of ignorance, our man did have one important thing to share. He insisted that cheating was based on biology. Thousands upon thousands of years ago, for the human race to survive, it was necessary for one man to impregnate as many females as possible. Mortality rates were very high, and lust was essential for the continuation of the species. Without biological lust, none of us would be here. But even ix FOREWORD though promiscuity may have been key to the species’ survival, we must remember that was a very long, long time ago. Today, the question we must ask ourselves is this: Will lust alone complete us? Over the years Carla and I have counseled thousands of families and couples. Relationship difficulties are epidemic in today’s society, and infidelity is just one of the many possible symptoms. Intimacy is an often misunderstood concept. Weekly, Carla and I work with couples and individuals who think they know what healthy intimacy is, but in actuality are clueless. These folks typically watch popular television talk shows and are often readers of the latest pop self-help books. Some of them are even long-standing members of self-help support groups. Though these very intelligent individuals may have a lot of information about intimacy, they still can’t seem to create health within their own relationships. If you are one of those people, know first that you aren’t alone, and second, that help is here. —Michael Brandon x ACKNOWLEDGING ANGELS Even after my agent and dear friend John White situated me with Hazelden, a dream publishing company, this book almost didn’t happen. On September 13, 2008, Hurricane Ike sent a twenty-foot tide surge into Galveston Island, off the Texas coast, forcing me and my family to evacuate to nearby Houston. Once at the home of our cousins Ben and Joy Warren, we thought we were safe, but fate had different plans for us. As the storm moved from Galveston to Houston, tornadoes began to touch down, dropping gigantic trees onto the roofs of nearby houses. I found myself hiding from Mother Nature’s temper tantrum under a desk with my husband Michael, our youngest son Joshua, our golden retriev- er Fee Fee, and our cat Tom. It was a terrifying night, but thanks to Ben and Joy’s safe haven, the following morning we emerged unhurt. Unfortunately, we were also without water, gas, and electricity in 95-degree heat. For the next three weeks we would live without these modern conveniences. Wondering how on earth I’d complete this book without electricity to power my computer, I contacted Hazelden’s editorial director, Sid Farrar. Sid told me not to worry, but to instead take care of myself and my family. He kindly let me know that Hazelden would be there to assist me when my life wasn’t quite so chaotic. Hazelden’s editorial coordina- tor, Kathy Anderson, had been waiting for my photograph for the book cover, along with other materials, but like Sid, she too was incredibly supportive and understanding. The staff at Hazelden responded with genuine care and kindness to my family’s devastation. They have my deepest affection and appreciation. After we’d been preparing meals by candlelight for nearly a week, xi ACKNOWLEDGING ANGELS my aunt Naomi Warren (known as Nuinui) let us know she had electric- ity. Along with some twenty other desperate family members, we descended upon her high-rise condominium at the Houstonian near downtown. For several weeks Nuinui provided us with a comfortable refuge where we could charge cell phones, wash clothes, cook meals, and spend a few hours basking in air conditioning. The staff at the Houstonian was more than understanding of our plight, and their gener- osity will forever be treasured. When we finally had an Internet connection, I quickly composed an e-mail message to Hazelden. As I compiled some missing materials to send, I suddenly broke down in tears. Seeing my distress, Nuinui sat down with me, and soon she was sharing stories of survival from her time in Auschwitz, the Nazi death camp. Her courage and endurance during such a horrific time in history quickly put my life into perspective. Giving me a hug, she said, “You can do it!” With this I dried my eyes and finished the work I needed to do. Without my aunt’s words of wisdom, I might have thrown in the towel that very day! Nuinui, I love you! Returning to Galveston Island, my family was confronted with ten feet of water in our house and again, no electricity. It was surreal but reassuring to watch the American Red Cross travel down our debris- filled streets passing out food, ice, and water. Their dedication and char- ity were a godsend. Eventually, the electric companies rolled onto the island with massive equipment. Working sixteen hours a day, they got the lines up and running. Thank you, guys and gals! With electricity this book was finally completed. The editor who then polished the manuscript for this book proved to be another gem.