NOTES

Written as a satiric documentary, Bill Armstrong (with his strong arms) interviews a myriad of office workers, who warn America of the secret dangers hidden in their Cubical Paradise! This one-act play may be performed by a male or female and be entered in Humorous Interpreta- By Gregory Burns T. tion, Duet Acting or Duo Interpretation. This is dark comedy at its best, because the subject matter itself is serious; however, the lines and line delivery should be reminiscent of sketch comedy. Don’t be afraid of us- ing a few stereotypes while performing this selection. This is the perfect comedy for those actors who can take it over-the-top!

Characters: Bill Armstrong, a television host One-Eye, an office victim Sarah, an office victim Gloria Gayle, an office victim Dr. Evan Slander, a psychologist Myrna, an office manager

Bill Armstrong: Good evening, America. I’m Bill Armstrong, and as you can see (Makes a big muscle with one of his arms) I’ve got strong arms. (Poses again) But even these “loaded guns” couldn’t help me—in what is quickly becoming one of the most dangerous zones in America today: The Office. That’s right—the average, fluorescent lit, ordinary, regular, office space. Tonight, we’ll meet some of America’s most Office Space: Cubical Paradise or Death ? unfortunate office workers—whose lives have been forever altered by the dangers lurking in the supposedly safe office workspace. So join me, (Showing off his muscled arm again) Bill Armstrong, as we visit the Office Space: Cubical Paradise or Factory of Death?(Pause) Our first guest tonight is One-Eye Jackson. We recently caught up with One-Eye at his local watering hole, Krazy Karl’s Karaoke Bar, where he enjoys entertaining his co-workers with the musical musings of karaoke. One-Eye: My name is One-Eye Jackson. God gave me a gift, and I’m going to use it. (Takes a sip of his drink) Yep, I’m a non-professional, semi-professional karaoke singer. (Smugly) I sing crowd favorites, but I also mix up the words a little bit, you know—to subliminally remind people about the hidden dangers lurking in an office. Bill Armstrong: Well, One-Eye, I’m assuming the office dangers you are talking about involve losing an eye? One-Eye: Very EYE-bservant, Mr. Armstrong! I am here to testify that By Gregory T. Burns

Office Space: Cubical Paradise or Death Factory? And -

For For (Pause) (Pause) (Pause) (Pause) (Proudly) A kid’s game of marbles! of marbles! game A kid’s Huge, wheezy laugh and wheezy Huge, Man, you are smart. Man, you (Angry) Tell us what happened, One-Eye. One-Eye. happened, us what Tell (Trying to look very concerned) to look (Trying The bottom line is this: You don’t have have don’t You The bottom line is this: (Amazed) (Pause) After the accident, I had to get a “glass” eye—and I had to get a “glass” eye—and After the accident, After I lost my glass eye, I got another one. Then I Then I got another one. glass eye, After I lost my That’s right. That’s In a game of marbles. of marbles. In a game (Pause) (Pause) (Overly compassionate) (Overly Dangerous indeed! That’s inspiring, One-Eye. I mean, how many people can many I mean, how inspiring, One-Eye. That’s mind singing an original you would One-Eye, Now So—then you got the name One-Eye? got So—then you lose it this time? you Where’d I’m guessing you—got hit in the eye? hit in the I’m guessing you—got

(Surprised) (Pause)

That is a question I’d have to Google. have That is a question I’d Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but I know that I’ve made a that I’ve but I know speak for everyone, I can’t Well,

Nope. You see, me and my buddy, Leonard, were complaining about complaining were Leonard, buddy, my see, me and You Well, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to make a “scientific a “scientific to make scientist rocket to be a have don’t you Well, Wrong!!!

Take us out in style, One-Eyed style! us out in style, One-Eyed Take karaoke song for the viewing audience at home? I think they’d like that. like audience at home? I think they’d song for the viewing karaoke One-Eye: Bill Armstrong: say that their missing body part could serve as a devilled egg holder? egg that their missing body part could serve as a devilled say Bill Armstrong: eye used to be! used to eye one of those delicious-looking devilled eggs and it won’t fit on my plate—I fit on and it won’t eggs one of those delicious-looking devilled glass my …where just pick one up and put it right here in the empty socket example, now, whenever I’m at a buffet, and my plate is full—but I want plate is full—but I want and my I’m at a buffet, whenever now, example, say before joining AA, “Always keep your glass half-full.” glass half-full.” your keep AA, “Always before joining say few mistakes in my life: Playing war with staple guns—going to Pancake with staple guns—going to Pancake war life: Playing in my mistakes few people like it’s of marbles—but in a game glass eye —losing my One-Eye: don’t understand that their actions—have consequences? understand that their actions—have don’t Bill Armstrong: Bill Armstrong: that people simply it be fair to say misfortune, would Looking back on your in the workspace is dangerous! in the workspace to have “two eyes”—to see what I see now: Improper use of office supplies I see now: see what eyes”—to “two to have Those greedy little hellions! Bill Armstrong: One-Eye: lost it! One-Eye: I lost it—somewhere in a Pancake . in a Pancake I lost it—somewhere Bill Armstrong: cough) somebody shot out one of “One Eye’s” eyes!” ( eyes!” Eye’s” somebody shot out one of “One I know you’re thinking, “Okay, now I get it. He’s called “One Eye,” because Eye,” called “One I get it. He’s now thinking, “Okay, you’re I know One-Eye: One-Eye: eyes. shot—in one of my Jackson, got accidentally I, One-Eye Bill Armstrong: pened. hippopotamus” about what happened next. I grabbed my stapler, and soon stapler, I grabbed next. happened my what hippopotamus” about what hap guess never you’ll And air. flinging through the staples were (Pause) with TWO eyes and he was holding a stapler. And I said “The war is on!” And I said “The war holding a stapler. and he was eyes TWO with how boring the day was going, and he said “Heads up!” I looked at him I looked said “Heads up!” going, and he was boring the day how And please, take your time. your take And please, One-Eye: Bill Armstrong: literally. “improper use of office supplies” in the workspace can be eye-opening— can be workspace the in supplies” of office use “improper By Gregory T. Burns

Office Space: Cubical Paradise or Death Factory? your face”hesings) with extreme emotion) (Pause) rain isgone” hesings) my pointacross. One-Eye: Don’t spin. Sarah: did youtoappearon ourprogram? agree Bill Armstrong: her when shesaysitoutloud) Sarah: Bill Armstrong: we eachputinfive dollars. could spinthelongest—andfastest. And tomake itmorecompetitive, you know, thekindthatswivel—and we thoughtitwould befuntoseewho Sarah: office spacedisastertous? calm) Bill Armstrong: How abouthere?Ooh,cramp!Like this? How abouthere?Like this? Am Ibackwards now? ShouldIgothisway? Sarah: Bill Armstrong: Sarah: Bill Armstrong: Sarah: Bill Armstrong: Sarah: waist up) interview, herupperbodyliterally swivelsincircles—slowly—from the Bill Armstrong: computerchair.the simple,ordinary compelled tomake usaware ofallthings— ofthenightmares—concerning up way toohigh? there withonly oneloosescrew? Orwhat abouttheguywho pullshispants Or thefifty-poundlightfixture—danglingfromceilingandbeingheld possibly every officein America? Themissingcastersona wobbly ? andpossibleunimaginable bodily horrors mutilationsthatarelurkingin in theworkspace what canbe—but aboutotherdangers? What aboutthe me, personally, realizejusthow dangerous“themisuseofofficesupplies” “seeingwithopeneyes”at home,but thelifeofOne-Eye Jackson—makes Bill Armstrong: SoSarah,we seeyou have someproblems. Butcanyou explain your

Ijustwant to offer awarning toeveryone watching tonight.(Pause) Iwon. Well, Bill,we hadjustgottennew computerchairsintheoffice— Buthere’s my favorite. Itgetsmeallemotional. Here? (Swiveling vigorously) (Swiveling vigorously intoshot) (Swiveling slightly outofcamera shot) I’d love to,Bill.I’ll show you how Ilike tousemy tragedytoget (Pause) (Keeps moving inrandom positionswhile swiveling) (Pause) A littletoomuch… No…alittlemoretoyour left. Sarah,canyou move moreintocameraview for us? Welcome totheshow, Sarah. Sarah,besidesmakingeveryone in America dizzy—why And how didyou inthecompetition? fare (Singing) I can’t speakforthoseofyou watching tonight’s program (Frustrated) (Pause) ever Ilostmy eye…” Don’t spinin your chairs.Justdon’t. “Thefirsttime— Iwon $15. with onegoodeye.” That’s always acrowd-pleaser. Let’s visitSarah,ayoung woman who feels “I canseeclearly now— There! Stop!Rightthereisgreat! The doctorssay thedamageis permanent. Here,isthisbetter, Bill? (Pause) How’s this,Bill? (Instead ofsinging “ever Isaw I also got vertigo. Ialsogotvertigo. Hi,Bill! (During Sarah’s entire (Instead ofsinging “the (Again, singing (Pauses, starts to (It really hits (Regaining Here?