fi % ST This year's biggesi losers, both Gorgeous and Grotesque! THE EMPEROR HAS HO CLOTHES All hail New York University President L. Jay Oliva, our distinguished unanimous choice for... BEST UNDRESSED MAN, 1994. Huzzah!!! HuzzahN! Huzzah!!! JSJ/O B u M b l E F u c k A i r Liines W e 'U TAkE you WHERE INO ONE ELSE WANTS TO GO. GRAND HAVEN Like sunny Grand Haven, M ichigan, hom e of the world's largest musical fountain! Lucky for you, as a tourist with Bum blefuck Airlines, you can not only witness the quaint rituals of rural existence, you can leave. C om e along on one of our pre-packaged tours, or go your own way. Prices start from $699 round trip, and only $15 one-way. The depressed prices in the local m om & pop stores will put you in hog heaven. The exchange rate is phenom enal: one New York City dollar is worth $1.84 in Grand Haven! In layman's terms this means that where in NY you can pur­ chase a small french fries, in CH you can purchase a small franchise. It's just like visiting a Third World nation, except here they've got a trolley. Tour the thriving dow ntow n metropolis and m eet som e of the local folk wandering around. Plenty of free parking! Centralia ranks am ong our most popular destinations! Our weekend getaway prices start at $499 round trip. This includes airfare, rental car courtesy of Corwin Insurance, and two nights accomodations at Casa del Zim m erm an on stately Seminary Hill, a m ost aptly nam ed locale. Local legend has it that the world's oldest virgin was born right on this very spot. CENTDALIA.WA 6 HINGTON Meals are not included, but only because there is a w ide selection of indigenous fast food chains throughout the area. M ost travellers choose to begin their days of strenuous sightseeing at the local Denny's, saving the luxurious Chez Godfather's Pizza for a special evening on the town. D on’t miss the Factory Outlets! Join the frenzy as west coast locals and retirees from all over the country struggle for the best deals. Gloat over your tax exem pt status as you whip out our special savings coupon book, just for Bumlefuck customers like you! O t h e r cI estihatiohs i n c I u c I e • C o o s B a y , O r e g o n •S c h I o e P o I<e , N e v a c J a •H e I I , M i c h i q a n •L o s B a n o s , C a l i f o r n i a •C u y a h o g a F a U s , O h i o •T e n a f Ly , N e w J e r s e y •B i g g s J u n c t i o n , O r e g o n •W e s t W a r w i c k R h o c J e I s I a n c J •T h r e e M i Le IslANd/CHERNobyl (pAckAGE t o u r ) • J A c k s o N H o I e , W y o m i n g •H e U , M i c h i g a n •U x b R i d G E , M assachusetts •B o s n i a March 7,1994 Vol. X V II, No. 1 m i n ) 0UR ANNUAL PROBE in t o t h e b e s t a n d w o r s t l U l M l UNDRESSED OF THE LAST AZTEC YEAR (YEAR OF THE HEADCHEESE). FOR SOME IT WAS A NIGHT- VTHR Y MARE’ F0R OTHERS IT HELD UNEXPECTED SUR- 13 I U I I 1 PRISES THAT WE ALL TOOK FOR GRANTED. Schwing low, sweet chariot. I I* F R O N T T liB E II Canadian mounted piggies claim Carol Mumsey of Callden Grove, Malcom Jamal Warner and Ed that there is no reasonable doubt, Utah. Has a multimillion dollar Anser still have what it takes to but Paul Reubens of Buffy The secret. She tells us what it is. SB make a TV Pilot. Fox’s new Vampire Slayer II says he was Lars van der Pissen, of Karolkane, situation tragi-comedy Three In Da framed in this new indecent expo­ New Hampshire saved his entire Cab is destined to be shown at least sure charges emerging this month. kindergarten class from a fiery once in our lifetime. Crashed on Bernoulli" Removable Media and inferno with only three glasses of retyped several times a year by P la g u e , 21 water. On the anniversary of the MITCHELL -Ml Washington Place, Box 189, New York, NY 10003, The views expressed here are not event, he reflects on the price he Social critic, gourmet, and entre­ necessarily those of P lague. If you are still had to pay for his heroic act. 88 preneurial genius Earl Levar’s reading this you’ll be happy to know that our meetings are open to anyone and we are dreams end in tragedy. happily accepting submissions for our up­ coming issues. If you haven't been offended STAR TRACKS B by this issue of P lag u e , fuck you. If you're s till Michael Myers: no way out. Sl\ll LTIW ITY 35 not offended, fuck you again. If you haven't thrown this down in disgust yet, are you sure Cindy Crawford, impatient outpa­ Scientists at the University of Oslo you're not illiterate? If you are, fuck you a n d tient. s h o w s o f f have found new proof that some­ your mother. Illiterates may attend our spe­ Sharon Stone cial meetings, every February, in celebration some spotty skin. thing can be two places at once. of Groundhog Day. In conclusion, Is there a Doctor in the house? W hile in town to disown his daughter, Emma, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson takes time to interview Stephen Hawking, at home at Xanadu, NZ on his controverisal new theories about hair design. 31 The Smithsonian Museum unveils its new “American Television Advertising of the 20th Century” exhibit this week. Among the highlights:The stuffed b o d y o f Spuds McKenzie; the original clump of bounty tissues u sed b y Madge to w ip e up that now-famous coffee spill; Clara Peller’s chair, and the p ia n o Devlin Smarksey used to com pose the Dr. Pepper jingle. H<S Testy About S C ItE E N I I s o y <; 12 Mail 5 Chering His A blast from the past blows, and This is a good year for tribute Pids & Pans II Mammaries two action flicks one new, one old, compilations and new albums from P uzzler 32 Blissfully in love with dynamic are offed. Video releases show why old artists. MTV has a new com pi- Passages 1001 Casablanca is only fit for Alumni lation-be the first on the block, and d u o Charles Corridarc 1013 Scholars, and why you don't want Black Sabbath II s h o w it has Beavis and Eric Chatter 1000 to pay for them to go to Louisiana reached critical black mass. Butthead, III, Gossip 1012 or Alaska this spring break. Cher is p o ise d Shit List??? I H S T I HMW, 3 9 for a new com e­ SIMIILTI1MAITY 35 Recent studies have shown that SAT Scares 333 back tour. How Scientists at the University of Oslo many magazines don’t deliver Beelzebub 666 does her ex- have found new proof that som e­ everything they advertise. In this husband feel thing can be two places at once. in-depth four pager we find out about the harem? They are also rapidly discovering why and get a preview of Cornelia 20 years after the that deja-vu jokes are declining in Vert’s n ew b o o k , Censorship, fall o f Camelot, popularity, if not in frequency, Coverups and a Collapsing Uni­ M a y o r Bono once again accused of redundancy. verse: the John Brademas Story. tells all. 12 editors, on-call, 24/7—we are ready to believe you A m a jo r ity o f ou r r e a d e r s w e r e soda in my refrigerator. Only I got thoroughly confused by our it wrong. Somehow, I completely last issue, thinking we had lined the inside of my fridge with stepped way overboard to­ baking soda toothpaste. It works wards fashion magazine pretty good, though. wannabes. One reader ob­ ■ STROBY, Kent, OH served that his enjoyment would have been greatly en­ Do you ever wonder how lonely the hanced if there had been any world would be without cats? 1 do. articles to read. Others appre­ Then I make a ham sandwich and ciated the com plete lack of sub­ talkshow host is Regis Philbin. Does cry myself to sleep. When I wake stance, calling it refreshingly that make me gay? up, I watch the episode of Designing new, yet familiar and ■ STROBY, Grand Haven, MI W om en I taped from the night comforable. Much like the before.