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This This year's biggesi losers, both Gorgeous and Grotesque! and Gorgeous both

BEST UNDRESSED MAN, 1994. MAN, UNDRESSED BEST Huzzah!!! HuzzahN! Huzzah!!! HuzzahN! Huzzah!!!

THE EMPEROR HAS HO CLOTHES HO HAS EMPEROR THE our distinguished unanimous choice for... choice unanimous distinguished our All hail New York University President L. Jay Oliva, Jay L. President University York New hail All JSJ/O B u M b l E F u c k

A i r Liines

W e 'U TAkE you WHERE INO ONE ELSE WANTS TO GO.

GRAND HAVEN

Like sunny Grand Haven, M ichigan, hom e of the world's largest musical fountain! Lucky for you, as a tourist with Bum blefuck Airlines, you can not only witness the quaint rituals of rural existence, you can leave. C om e along on one of our pre-packaged tours, or go your own way. Prices start from $699 round trip, and only $15 one-way.

The depressed prices in the local m om & pop stores will put you in hog heaven. The exchange rate is phenom enal: one New York City dollar is worth $1.84 in Grand Haven! In layman's terms this means that where in NY you can pur­ chase a small french fries, in CH you can purchase a small franchise. It's just like visiting a Third World nation, except here they've got a trolley.

Tour the thriving dow ntow n metropolis and m eet som e of the local folk wandering around. Plenty of free parking! Centralia ranks am ong our most popular destinations! Our weekend getaway prices start at $499 round trip. This includes airfare, rental car courtesy of Corwin Insurance, and two nights accomodations at Casa del Zim m erm an on stately Seminary Hill, a m ost aptly nam ed locale. Local legend has it that the world's oldest virgin was born right on this very spot.

CENTDALIA.WA 6 HINGTON

Meals are not included, but only because there is a w ide selection of indigenous fast food chains throughout the area. M ost travellers choose to begin their days of strenuous sightseeing at the local Denny's, saving the luxurious Chez Godfather's Pizza for a special evening on the town. D on’t miss the Factory Outlets! Join the frenzy as west coast locals and retirees from all over the country struggle for the best deals. Gloat over your tax exem pt status as you whip out our special savings coupon book, just for Bumlefuck customers like you!

O t h e r cI estihatiohs i n c I u c I e

• C o o s B a y , O r e g o n

•S c h I o e P o I

•H e I I , M i c h i q a n

•L o s B a n o s , C a l i f o r n i a

•C u y a h o g a F a U s , O h i o

•T e n a f Ly , N e w J e r s e y

•B i g g s J u n c t i o n , O r e g o n

•W e s t W a r w i c k R h o c J e I s I a n c J

•T h r e e M i Le IslANd/CHERNobyl (pAckAGE t o u r )

• J A c k s o N H o I e , W y o m i n g

•H e U , M i c h i g a n

•U x b R i d G E , M assachusetts

•B o s n i a March 7,1994 Vol. X V II, No. 1

m i n ) 0UR ANNUAL PROBE in t o t h e b e s t a n d w o r s t l U l M l UNDRESSED OF THE LAST AZTEC YEAR (YEAR OF THE HEADCHEESE). FOR SOME IT WAS A NIGHT- VTHR Y MARE’ F0R OTHERS IT HELD UNEXPECTED SUR- 13 I U I I 1 PRISES THAT WE ALL TOOK FOR GRANTED.

Schwing low, sweet chariot. I I* F R O N T T liB E II Canadian mounted piggies claim Carol Mumsey of Callden Grove, Malcom Jamal Warner and Ed that there is no reasonable doubt, Utah. Has a multimillion dollar Anser still have what it takes to but Paul Reubens of Buffy The secret. She tells us what it is. SB make a TV Pilot. Fox’s new Vampire Slayer II says he was Lars van der Pissen, of Karolkane, situation tragi-comedy Three In Da framed in this new indecent expo­ New Hampshire saved his entire Cab is destined to be shown at least sure charges emerging this month. kindergarten class from a fiery once in our lifetime.

Crashed on Bernoulli" Removable Media and inferno with only three glasses of retyped several times a year by P la g u e , 21 water. On the anniversary of the MITCHELL -Ml Washington Place, Box 189, New York, NY 10003, The views expressed here are not event, he reflects on the price he Social critic, gourmet, and entre­ necessarily those of P lague. If you are still had to pay for his heroic act. 88 preneurial genius Earl Levar’s reading this you’ll be happy to know that our meetings are open to anyone and we are dreams end in tragedy. happily accepting submissions for our up­ coming issues. If you haven't been offended STAR TRACKS B by this issue of P lag u e , fuck you. If you're s till Michael Myers: no way out. Sl\ll LTIW ITY 35 not offended, fuck you again. If you haven't thrown this down in disgust yet, are you sure Cindy Crawford, impatient outpa­ Scientists at the University of Oslo you're not illiterate? If you are, fuck you a n d tient. s h o w s o f f have found new proof that some­ your mother. Illiterates may attend our spe­ Sharon Stone cial meetings, every February, in celebration some spotty skin. thing can be two places at once. of Groundhog Day. In conclusion, Is there a Doctor in the house? W hile in town to disown his daughter, Emma, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson takes time to interview Stephen Hawking, at home at Xanadu, NZ on his controverisal new theories about hair design. 31

The Smithsonian Museum unveils its new “American Television Advertising of the 20th Century” exhibit this week. Among the highlights:The stuffed b o d y o f Spuds McKenzie; the original clump of bounty tissues u sed b y Madge to w ip e up that now-famous coffee spill; Clara Peller’s chair, and the p ia n o Devlin Smarksey used to com pose the Dr. Pepper jingle. HWashington Square Park. Quit fol­ God damn it! And I've got the magic old Plague back. lowing me! You've dogged my every beret to prove it. In fact, I'm the Yanqui go home! move for over two years. Now I have only wizard capable enough to ■L. I AY OLIVA, New York, NY my revenge. I've recruited myself a have earned the coveted French crack team of ninja warrior rodent- medal of honor for Wizardry and Recently I bought a blank baseball manglers armed with those neat little Tasty Sauces. But those guys can cap. Using my sister's magic mark­ throwing stars and blowguns. Not really cook. I respect them for that, ers, I wrote "W hat?l?H uh?" on the only are they lethal, but they're mas­ despite all that rudeness and stuff. front of it. I think this embodies my ters of disguise as well! You'll never Have you got a PC computer? Those philosophy: I'm just partying! I see them coming. Prepare to die, are sweet. My favorite song is that want to have a good time without Rocky! one by Kenny Rogers that Ross Perot the undue burden of being respon­ ■ DAVID, New York, NY used for his campaign, what's the sible for what I do. W hen I talk to name...? Anyway, 1 loved your ar­ my friends about it they tell me that Thumbs up on your street-sawy re­ ticle on Adidas™ footwear. 1 should spend some quality time port on quality footwear. Shoes really Shoombazzle! with myself. Then they leave, say­ get my rocks off! ■ CLARK RAVEN, Sicily, AS ing that I should get started right ■ PETER DUGAN, Los Banos, CA away. They're probably just jeal­ Notes and Corrections ous of my free-thinking ways. I believe I've taken kitchen sanita­ The model we identified as Tracy Anyways, do you like Van Halen? tion to a new level and the best part Borkowski in our May, 1993 cover 'Cause I do. is I accomplished it entirely by acci­ story is actually former NYU presi­ ■ BRUCE, Centralia, W A dent. It's really sorta like that fish dent, John Brademas. Also, we stuff (you know, "Finnahaddie") mistakenly identified Jeffery Back in high school I used to know which was discovered in Scotland Dahmer as Michael P. Zimmerman this really hot lady whose last name about 100 years ago when some drunk in the Eternity advertisment. was "Regis"— her first name is not highlanders burned down their tool Plague deeply regrets the error. important. My favorite daytime shed. I heard about putting baking

PLAGUE 3/7/94 24 O C in d y C ra w fo rd closely watches her step as she follows the entourage from Spuds M cK enzie’s funeral.

O Mike Myers, after flopping at 0 Sharon Stone once again the box office displays her uncanny lack of with his latest taste, judgement, and the sim­ satire, So I Mar­ plest human decency as she ried That Woman lasciviously shows off her ‘icky From the furry thing’ for all to see Infomercial, w an ­ J’accuse, tarte! ders aimlessly through JFK air­ port asking pass- ersby if they know the w ay to Canada.

:;ii 3/7/94 PLAGUE Um a T h u rm a n (with brother Dechen) arrive at JFK Airport stunned by their recent deportation order to Fin­ land. They claim not to be from there.

OTom Hanks is Sleep­ less in Hollywood, still searching for a script as good as “Big.”

Daryl H a n n a h ^ W h itn e y gets H o u s to n , knocked-up having fat­ by John tened up for Fitzgerald her upcoming Kennedy, Jr., role in "The yielding John Nell Carter Fitzgerald Story," has Kennedy recently Jr., Jr. started a rap group w ith A m y G rant and Patti LaBelle called Pepa-N-Salt- N-Pepa.

PLAGUE 3/7/94 \ 1 EXECUTIVE EDITOR (in absentia) Daniel Blake Truman

PRODUCTION EDITOR (in continentia) Sean Davidson Huntington

MANAGING EDITOR (in abstentia involuntaria) Michael Phillip Zimmerman

GENERAL MANAGER FEMALE SECRETARY Joanne Tracy Carmelita Naval

ART DIRECTOR ASSHOLE M. Carolyn Eckstein Donald Pavlish

SENIOR EDITORS Ben Weber, Bradford Bassist, Seth Minsk

JUNIOR EDITORS Dvora Silberman, Glenn Kurtzrock, Fiona Capuano

SOPHOMORE EDITORS Lauren Raz, Michelle Maggenheim, Keren Form, Marcus Jaeger

FRESHMAN EDITORS Kate Bohan, Sue Goldberg, Jennifer White

EDITORS-AT-LARGE Mark Gray, Michael Lee, Michael Orlando

TOTALLY USELESS EDITOR Arie Kaplan

DRUG ABUSE EDITORS Mitch Harrison, Colin Arp, Forrest Beattie, Chris Cuevas

ABSENT EDITORS Jonathan Kos(HYPHEN)Read, Dave Thompson

THIN EDITOR, PLAY BASS Christopher Moses

GRADUATE LIASON, INTERNATIONAL BUREAU Kevin Kosar

WEST COAST CORRESPONDANT Paul M. Rubenstein

MIDWEST CORRESPONDANT Dirk P. Schulze

SOUTH AMERICAN CORRESPONDANT Abel Klainbaum

BUTTHEAD AND BEAVIS Omer Ganai, Palvi Mohammed

DEITIES OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE Joel Robinson, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot T h e F r a n k l i n M i n s k

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the squeamish. What David Lynch and Twin Peaks did for the far-out Mushroom-Shaped Chalet lllllf murder/mystery genre, Nike G olf ABC (Tuesdays, 9:00 p.m. ET) Shoes does for the wholesale golf by Robs Bassist and Ben Weber E verybody goes to the conve­ superstore. Included in the way- nience store when you run out of Three In Da Cab over-budget, special two-hour sea­ milk or want that special late night Fox (Sundays 9:30 p.m. ET) son opener are: odd camera angles of snack, right? And you love it because in-store putting greens, talking tote it’s open 24 hours a day...but not if W hat’ s crazier than two full- bags, and a mustachioed ball saver Robert Guillaume can help it! He grown men driving cross­ named LaRue, which may leave some makes his prime-time comeback in country in the cab of a small pickup viewers scratching their heads and this new comedy about a convenience truck? The answer: three full-grown asking, “what about Pat Summerall?” store set in a colonial American tour­ men driving cross-country in the W ell, word is that Summerall will be ist trap. Unfortunately, the store clerk, cab o f a small pickup truck. At least a guest star in a mid-season episode Clarance de Meadowlands that’ s what Fox executives are hop­ as “ the Narrator Guy.” Grade: A A A (Guillaume), can’t seem to keep the ing for w ith their latest sitcom Three In Da Cab, starring Malcolm Jamal- C ritic’s C orner Warner, Ed Begley, Jr., and Ed Everything Sucks sucks, our parent’s friends suck, Asner. Hilarity ensues in the cab by Fiona phone calls suck, soup sucks, the red when the two friends pick up hitch­ Cities suck, babies sick, rain sucks, light district doesn’t suck on Tues­ hiker Tim Sarky (Begley) after he but only when it’s drizzling, wet socks days, animals don’t suck, you do, experiences mechanical troubles sucks, the ‘ 60s sucked, clowns and being smarter than everyone else with his state-of-the-art, experimen- mimes suck, long lectures suck, sucks, beauty pageants suck, ! tal electronic car. The show begins pornography doesn’t suck, cannibal­ “bleach” sucks, thirty-nine people to drag, though, somewhere near ism sometimes sucks, the Mayoral surveyed sucked, the subway the beginning, when racial tensions race sucks, anarchy sucks, Christ commuters suck, the day after sucks, between “friends” Asner and loves you, man, fight the drug war and the month before doesn’t suck, old Warner reaches a fever pitch. A betting against yourself because you rock stars suck, bellbottoms still generous helping of Begley’s ner­ suck, PBS sucks, time sucks, life suck (but not on hot chicks with sucks, then you continue to suck only vous antics help pull the friends great legs and high shoes and a great to be surrounded by an overpopulated ass), food in your teeth sucks, back together and the comedy out group of morons that suck, Charles diapers suck, bread doesn’t suck, of the high-brow doldrums. For the Nelson Reilly sucks, TV sucks, no, wine doesn’t suck, Tarzan did, JA remainder of the episode Asner rides not the Simpsons, death sucks, doesn’t suck, flushing dead fish in the middle of the cab. Grade: C + religion sucks, atheists suck slightly sucks, fierce forest fires suck, the less, hunger sucks, slogans suck, a mailman’s hand suck, loud cocks Nike Golf Shoes smile goes on a train, and falls into suck, epileptics in Burger King suck, NBC (Wednesdays, 10:00p.m. ET) your mouth, oh yes, it sucks, breaking music doesn’ t suck, as if you didn’t bones suck, NASA sucks, the CIA ike “Air” G olf shoes — who know, fish sandwiches suck, the sucks, Three’s Company reruns Jetsons don’t suck too much, sticky N:wears ‘ em? W ho wants to? definitely suck, Jm J. Bullock and the lollipops suck, the pins and needles Lou Diamond Philips finds out in center square sucks, shoes suck, he feeling doesn’t suck, sleeping this hour-long show about the sucks, raves suck, vegetarians suck, doesn’ t suck, no way man, all will quirky world o f golf etiquette. Set wiggers suck, The Family Channel be well when the band comes on, in“Ronny Master's Discount Golf sucks, record club offers don’t suck, unless they suck, the speed of light Warehouse,” this show is not for Charlie Sheen might suck, the military doesn’t suck, the end sucks.

I I V7/94 PLAGUE ■ PICKS & PANS" shelves stocked with enough Slim his life as a common working man, it.) The rest of the movie is predict­ Jims. In a blatant attempt to draw delivered while drinking a can of able enough, so we don’t mind tell­ attention to itself, Mushroom Mountain Dew, that offer the show’s ing you that everyone dies in a hor­ Shaped Chalet stars Garth Brooks only glimpse of comedic genius. rific explosion in the end. The char­ as “Twilly,” that guy who likes the Grade: C+ acter of Roper has a Cosbyesque books behind the counter. In the charm, and he, along with Chance’s star-studded pilot episode Roger buttkicking moonshiner Uncle Moore plays the manager of a neigh­ Douvee, (played by Wilford Brimly) boring year-round Renaissance are the true highlights o f the film. II Fair. After purchasing 25 hot Wilford keeps chowin’ down all that chicken wings, Moore wryly serves Hard Target oatmeal, he should be ready for his up the only remotely funny line in Jonathan Woo own action movies anytime; you the episode: “Clarance, maybe you T his is a disappointing movie. know he could cut loose with the best should spend less time looking into That’ s all you need to know. If of them. Maybe W oo will read this the camera with disdain and more you have a brain you will skip ahead and take a hint. time keeping Twilly away from the to the next magazine in your “toilet” Director W o o ’s first American pro­ nudie m ags!” Grade: D- stack. However, if you are a Tisch duced film has a certain neo- film moron, we know you cannot Voltronian flair about it, because Van Toll Bridge resist a movie review, so here goes. Damme has so little personality, cha­ ABC (Thursdays, 8:00p.m. ET) Jean-Claude Van Damme plays risma, and acting talent that he must T he setting is beautiful enough, Chance Boudreaux, a deadpan Cajun be filmed in slow motion for it to be delightful Astoria, Oregon, sailor located in New Orleans. caught by the human eye. Even and the mighty Columbia River. Chance, (so named because both his worse, there were no violins. At one It’s the cast and over-complicated mother and his producers took one,) point, Chance is told by another char­ story line that’ s the ugly part. Mr. is hired by a vacuous cow with sen­ acter, “ You seem to have a talent for Belvedere stars as a simple-minded suous lips and Michigan plates, attracting violins.” I looked, but I toll booth operator who likes to Natasha Binder (Yancy Butler) to didn’t see any violins. It makes me daydream a lot. A cast o f thou­ find her missing, homeless vet fa­ sick how Hollywood thinks it can sands, however, suffocates this ther. Binder’s father got killed in the just lie, lie, lie, and then collect your sim ple idea. In an upcom ing opening teaser sequence where it is money without even an apology. episode’s dream sequence, the high revealed that he is part o f a warped Some of the saving graces are the tech supergroup ELO is slated to adventure holiday set up for tackily fight sequences involving a 300 join Belvedere in the booth . dressed multi-millionaires who are pound, out of shape businessman, Several less caustic, recur­ willing to pay $500,000 and up for and the many times that Van Damme ring characters make the show the privilege o f hunting human prey. is attacked by pigeons. (Pigeon can slightly more tolerable. Dick Van The entrepreneur behind this scheme be a Cajun sounding word in the Patton stars as the cheery muffin is Emil Fouchon, (Lance Henrickson, mouth of anyone but Van Damme, delivery man who has a never-end­ who hadn ’ t slept during the two weeks who delivers the slickest sounding ing series o f jokes about paying that they took to film the movie,) Francophone accent since Roger bagels in the pilot episode. James who, aided by his Les Claypool-like Moore in Trail o f the Pink Panther.) Garner also stars as Mr. M osely, a henchmen “Pik” Van Cleaf, easily It would be a welcome step, now that ratherquiet character who is known fills the role of “bad guy.” One of the W oo is working for Hollywood, if he only through a point o f view cam­ millionaire clients looks suspiciously would use actors that he doesn’ t have era shot of the various places he like Chairman M ao, which would to dub. The only reason that you visits (the supermarket, the pet shop, imply that the Chairman has finally should rent this is that my brother a charity salmon bake, etc.). It is given in to Capitalism (and this time worked on the set and he needs to get Belvedere’s nightly soliloquies on Protestantism has nothing to do with paid. (G)

3/7/94 PLAGUE 1 2 ■ PICKS & PANS"

up. W ho are they, you ask? Doesn’t matter. This movie is exactly the C o m p u t e r same as all the others, except he gets hurt more. Quite a bit more, in fact. Casablanca Michael Curitz And that alone, my friends, is worth D a t i n g Y ou’d think A M C could do bet­ the price of admission. (PG 35) ter than this. A war movie set in Morocco during World War II. S e r v i c e Nothing happened there in W W II. Humphrey Bogart is ridiculously Is your M ac lonely? miscast as a self-pitying, idealistic, D oes your IBM expatriate soldier of fortune run­ ning a dive o f a bar. His partner com patible PC seem Sam, played by Dooley Wilson, is incom patible lately? an insulting 2D racial stereotype, and the editing is so poor that you Does your Amiga can even tell Sam isn’ t really play­ n e e d a n A m i g o ? ing the piano. Ingrid Bergman ru­ ined her career as a film director for this, and she isn't even that pretty. T h e n c a ll...... Claude Raines plays the local hick sheriff; Paul Henreid is the goody - two-shoes love rival, and ex-bas­ 1-900 ketball star Sydney Greenestreet owns the affable Cheers-type rival INTRFACE hangout, the Blue Parrot. It’s no wonder this thing was shelved for three years before it was first re­ leased. This might be enjoyable for some die-hard movie cultists, or Tang, We Love You! 1-800 useful in comparison to schlock B- Various Artists movie king, Orson W elles, but oth­ T his is non-commercial, alterna­ NETWORK erwise I don’t know why they both­ tive rock at its best: 14 songs ered colorizing it. (NR) done for the 50th anniversary of everyone’s favorite drink mix. N ew ­ AI1 F u ck e d Up comers Poon (a reformed, detoxed Steven Segal W een,) contribute an upbeat indus­ N ever one for letting up, Steven trial track that’ s even crisper than Segal follows the logical pro­ their debut album. Whoa. Devo con­ gression of his flicks, Above the tributes a new version of “ W hip It,” Law, Hard to Kill,Marked for Death. and its easy to see why they’re doing

Under Siege, and On Deadly Ground a comeback tour next fall. With a For only $ 4 .9 5 a minute, with his newest feature, All Fucked little clarification, R.E.M . was al­ your personal com puter can Up. Yup, they got him. He thought lowed to include their classic tune reboot his social life. he was untouchable and hot shit, but “ Orange Crush” . “ Instrumental,” a they found him. trapped him, made 22-minute opus by Tangerine Dream 19S4 Bemaminovitz Brothers Inc. his life Hell, and now they beat him that opens the album, is a perfect

I -5 3/7/94 PLAGUE ■ PICKS & PANS* reason to buy a CD player if you | and one “ oldie,” this album has lots don’t already have a few. Bono, of new material in their classic style. foreshadowing his upcoming solo "Symptom of the Universe," remixed project, gives a fine a capella rendi­ b y Johanna C on stan tine, has an added tion of the classic 1964 Jang jingle. 128 bpm drum track (raw, innovative The Communist Manifesto Certainly, the most m oving track is usage o f their five drummers.) Tracks by Marx & Engels the finale, the eponymous track, include: “ Children of the Suburbs,” A taut psychological thriller in “Tang, We Love You!” on which “Typhoid Mary Let Me Be Your four parts, pitting Marcel all of the featured artists sing to­ Lamb,” “Symptom of the Universe Bourgeoise against his nemesis, gether from studios across the world. ‘94,” “John Donne’s Screaming kingpin Roget Le Proletariat. A Superstar Frank Sinatra adds that Deathbed,” “ Running Out of Air,” spectre looms over Europe...NO special touch with a satellite cam eo “Epiphany of Numbness,” “Tao De­ MORE FUCKING CROISSANTS, from the space shuttle Nimrod, high­ mon,” “Apocalyptic Fit,” “Outer DAMMIT! We won’t give away ligh tin g N A S A ’ s role in m a k in g the Reaches of Nothing,” “ Reality Cata­ any of the many twists and turns in world an orangier place! (Sony) pult,” “Apocrypha Erection,” “ Magic the plot, but the steamy encounters Bullet Theory,” “Backyard Kite In­ Roget’sw ife, Lumpen, get into give Apocalyptic Fit cident,’’“ Requiem Mass in G,” “ Cita­ new meaning to the term, “means Black Sabbath II del of Knives,” and “ Whitney Hous­ of production.” With global set­ ton Sang to M e.” (Polygram) D espite fears of overproduction, tings, dozens o f mysteries, and rapid [editor’s note— this is the time where we sit Mick Jones does nothing to fire, concise writing, this may just back, relax for a moment, and take a little dampen the nitty-gritty Goth-Metal hit the Time’s Best Seller List. break from the hilarity to contemplate the assault o f Black Sabbath. With only areas in our lives where cheese is good, and (Houghton Milton, $29.95) [Capi­ two live cuts from their recent tour why this empty space must be fdled.J talist Pigs - ed. ] The N ew H o m e

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Protect your home with Kiddie Klub", a new anti-theft device from the makers of Cl joe Cereal". Some assembly required: child not included, except in Arkansas, Louisiana, Florida, and wherever the white slave trade is not prohibited. Mandatory 7* day waiting period per the Brady Law, unless you can get around it with a 27B-6. sm# pf.n< urrf

PLAGUE 3/7/94 14

ANNA NICOLE SMITH CINDY CRAWFORD t anyway? y a w y n a it, e c r o f n e d l u o w o h w d n a g n i m o c e b , y r o l g s burning i s too much, , h c u m o o t is h c u m w o h : s g n u l n o r i r u o in g n i n r u b is e h t r a l u p o p e r o m n e e b r e v e n e v a h s g n i t tended e a in few, fact], e m s g n n i l a l i e f - j s s e e l d u , n d - i e i s d a o u b - q l l u f e s r o e h h t in d n e o s y o e p b o t e n s l o a g i c r s e a h m m o n c a x e T tanic c i n a it t s i h T . a n n A t u o b a s g n n i a s e j s t e h u g g i T e r o : m H o T n G s ' N e r E e R h T T S E L Y T S f f o m e h t e k a t n a c e h S : E G A T N A V D A R I A F N U f. t i , ; s e y e e s o h T . h g u o h t t, lis r u o n o s g n o l e b e h s t a h t w o n k o t h c u m e e s o t d e e n ’t n o d e W . lf e s 1 9 9 3 . A l l t h is , a n d s h e h a s a s e v e n - y e a r - o l d k id , , id k d l o - r a e y - n e v e s a s a h e h s d n a , is h t l l A . 3 9 9 1 f n o r e h it. o t h n i t r o n w u r e b y l d n l o u o d w l it u o t c u b , e l i a w j o if t o , g w o d n N a e s . n h e c c i t l a r w u o s d e i s k o l g d l n u u o o c y e u w . o . . y e t m a i h t t e m V o T s M e c n a l o P y t m i a s r r e g v o i r n p U t a h t ts enough to make us rent her exercise videos, or even watch h c t a w n e v e r o , s o e d i v e s i c r e x e r e h t n e r s u e k a m o t h g u o n e it’s , s h g i h t e s o h t n in e d u l r e t n i f e i r b a m o r f e d i s A . n i r g g n i t a e - t i h s s ’s k c i D s d e e f t a h w f o s t n i h y l n o h t i w s u d e z i l a t n a t s a h y e d l n o i m C f f , le u r t t e s lit e r d a e t c n u r a c . e . . h t s f a o g h e g T L n i n n i : g : T e H U b T O e h G t H T N I m E o W r R F T R S E V E E L N Y T S envy trust us). And the PTA A T P e h t d n A . ) s u t s u r (t d r a y l o o h c s e h t f o l/lldrG{j§©d 4 9 ' Playboy's s one question that t a h t n o i t s e u q e n o ’s e r e h t t u b r o f r a e y e h t f o e t a m y a l P [we’ue at­ Playboy, r e h o t f l e s r e h t p e k y l t s o m s a h e h s House of Style,

BETTY PAGE JOAN SEVERANCE ho] ? e t i r w n a c kissed Mike?]a kissed girl, could have written that! ! t a h t n e t t i r w e v a h d l u o c 1 , d i p u t s y l l a e r ing ? e s r o h t a ( e m i t w o h S m o r f e r e h w y r e v e p e e k t s u J . y l l a e R . e m i t - g i b m i h r e t f a e m o c o t g n i o g e r a theinhimself third person r o ( g n i v e i l e b ( r a e y t s a l y d o r a p r k u s o a r t o s f u j d , s e l s e o d p o m f e o H s r e . e r y e a k c i e M h t , r g o t n i i d h E c n g u n a i l g t a a n a d o M o r g u e o r ' e W - h t o n ( y a w y n a e c n a r e v e S n a o J d i p u t s t u o b a y a s o t g n i h t ( s a h o h w y t u a e b l a r b e r e c a s i s e y e e u l b s g i d b n e e l s b o e h h T S : : T H U T O G H N T I E W R T R S E V E E L N Y T S quit (Oh h O ( t i u q l y n n u f 1 o s p u t u h s u o y d l u o w , . d E , t i m m a D . n e e r c s r e v l i s [yes, like your mother] your like [yes, .anyway]. el n Svrnepyfr him!] for pay Severance no well, ta’ M. d t yu wie boy] white you, to Ed. Mr.[that’s not d © j § © < d l W J Anyway ( y a w y n A J. . d e — editor's note:Mike to likes about speak s i, , e c e i p n m a d n w o r u o y e t i r w it, ’s t a h T s why she’ ist. t s li r u o n o ’s e h s y h w ’s t a h t , y a w y n A 4 9 ' , n e m o w e h t w o n y a d y n a d n a ), t I t ­ y n a e v a h ’t n o d I it, k c u F cerebralpalsy?] the Apollo] wonderful segue], wonderful WILL TEASE FOR FOOD.” . D O O F R O F E S A E T L L I “W , s y a s t a h t s r e g ­ n i f d e l k e n h i t r f w o , e y d b i s b u e h h c t r t . a e y t h i d n n n a i u m o f u d h e e h e b c h t t y u l l , e c h k i l O n g t i s s o a m l l ' e h S n o n e e b r e v e n s a h e h s t a h t n i a t r e c h t i w , s . e t s h e t t b o s l a c e p h t e g h r n t i o l f n d i s i d r a e s i h w h t s m n e o i r b f y d a h e l c m d u n d m u n b a d r , , a y s e a e h w d e s a e a c r h f e d y d w o e b f o N re fairly y l r i a f e ’r e w d n a , s n e a k m a e m l o s C 0 ' ‘5 y r e a h t G f n o a h l t r i f l g e p r u e - t t n i e b p a e t i r o v a f ’s a c i r e m A s e k a m r o f e h y S l n i . e a m m i t h f , c t o s a i l s m d r o o t i u r s o e r p e n g h o n n o i l e c y s l n e e l a r m p a e a r t e t S p x p e r a : o f l H a T i c G e p N s E a R T S E L Y T S s h c e a w m o e t s s u r a i c e h e t b n i o s k l c a u s t u b n a c , a i o g l h a t w s o n n e f o m o e w k a e s k i l e h t s r o s n e c e h t g n i k c o h S : E T I R O V A F S E I T F I F [Have you ever [Haveyou e h t o t s a w t a h T e h t e k i L d e k r o w [heigh- Vogue n a o J

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n a e S e s u a c e b , t s i l r u o r o f t c e f r e p s i n e n n a h S . , k h n i a h t e y d , n i h O m ’s ? t e s . v e e r a t r d h o o o g i F s r i r e o e p t T k e c a s a e r e m m a o o t h a d c s - t h ’s f l a g g e h u n s i o l w t l n a e d h e t p n It’s S a n i i . , r t y y o t u d i T n d s a r o y e D p h h e e f w o d n f i f o a l p d x e t e s a d l l b u o w e h t y n l i l a i s c u t e o o p y h s s E t a s . h s e w r a o , h y t m r g e u u r e t o o f n w h n e t s o c g , e f t ” i e o b h e m t d d f a u a r o o o o s o y i t s h t s p e s e a e l v e p k a e a h h e m m h T u o t r o e “p Y r : e e t s f H . a T o n s a G c d N i a E s R T S E L Y T S - o d u e s p h t r t a a G h t y n s n a h e J , y r s r s e a P r e h e k t u o L g ’s , n e e s n o n n a h r S e h , e e s s a h ’s t e L l e e t S f o s n u B : T E R C E S N O I H S A F T IM C U R R Y l/ndrQ Q i U H a n edn hsfn aaie Don’tworry, this magazine. reading fine re sorry. We ­ e r t s u j e w y r r o s o s l a e r e W . y r r o s e ’r e w d e y a l p t s r i f e h e r e h w s r i a t s p U e r t a e h T t e k i l ’t n s e o d Trudeau, Gary forgive,us thethat are pleased Mexico in sisters and brothers my and I . l o o h c s h g i h n i e l o r e h t ­ s i l a e r e r o m t i b a s i g n i t a r e h t n e h w t u b o t d e r r e f they don’t have time to read and fix this. and toreadfix time have don’t they for personally readers you of all thank to wanted I them.just in for this type to s not afraid to go all-out for a role. . e l o r a r o f t u o - l l a o g o t d i a r f a t o n ’s m i T , c i t s g o l t a e r G : H T G N E R T S E L Y T S , n i k l s u i h C y a o y t a m l It u n a w c o a . d n M e p e i r h r t t c i s s w o g t i m b l i e f t e a h i t a r p p o n i u r p p s s a p e i d m e n a b u c t o y r n r u C r o s k c o t s n e ) k e r r i u B g i f : o R g ( A E k n W i p " t R o E “h V g E n i h t T y N n a O W m o r F {Hello, my name is {Hello,Miguel name Sanchez,and my Rocky Horror Rocky Rocky I lorror Rocky Horror Rocky to o t e u g a l P at The Royal Court t r u o C l a y o R e h T t a l lome l lome Alone ll, We know Tim m i T w o n k e W ) . d n a o t d e r r e f e r has hired us hired has m i T

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4 9 ' BARBI TWINS SANDRA BERNHARD lst. lis y r a u o m n r e o i g e s h a t t w s f o l o n o i w f t 's l t a e a e x h i n L f h r l . c a e e r a r o w e u r t o r l i a s e n h n t e i h in t w e d f T f m i n o o b u r c o a g r f n B e i t t v e t o h o u n t c , 't s e n d e e i e r c v o g n a v a a h a s t i s d o o b t h u s w s f n o o i t d c e e s s o p m o c t their new calender has to have fold out t s u t o n a s d l e i o f o d a e d v e a z h a r y l c - e o r t x i t e n s e s f o t a t s h a e s o h in d t m e l r e r a e k d d i d a e n D r n s u a e e l h . s a m g e c a n h i i n g h d t r o i u e w b o h d e t r h i o n e T w h o t o . l g s l r i t d o e s a n f h a t a y f e l r o n s i b it; a m t h r s o c i e s n u c e i o c k m s i a b f B n g i o n o g i w t r T n a i o y e b b r a h a T w B : t e S u h S o T E b a N K k l A a E T W E L Y T S ­ r e v o h t i w y t i v a r g y f e d o t d e s u y e h t : s y a w o w t t s a e l t ? e s i m e d g n i m a l f it." its h e t r i o f w e b k t r s o u j w . . n . y w t a i v p s a r g “G r e : b O n D e E d n R i C H N O I H S A F r u o f o e n o r r o o f f a y r e t d i , dressed r w a e e e v y n o l a s e u w s e , v y i b g a b , a r d n a S . m u d n : e r m l e i f f e r l a s n r o i e t t a a n W r u n o h y Rider. t o a J Queasy g n i k a o o l t u b , u o y . ) m l i f ( , e s r y u g r o c o f o e t l i s e h t d a w n l a h c t r , e r e m h o u t b l s a u e s u a c atest t s e t la r e h h c i h o t w e l g y n t i s n e y t f l s o i s l u it o i b , v t t b i tle o b lit b o s B a h e a n r y d a n a W S n h o J y d o b e u q s e - s s o M e t a K o o t t a h t p y u d n a u g w n o i r k a a o s g a n , i n g h n c n a u o h d m a e n M h t e e k b c a b g n i r b o t d e i r t e h s y a s y e h T fwe get her t s e . s e f e w r o d w l l o e t o f r f e a d h n t ’ll e a e y v g a e y r h l , g t n y o n its d n l e g u u u b B o d y c a e e r h m e w if s z i g y w y r t a o i e s d n N u E e . N r W e : p . e S y e S n d E n N u B K A E W E L Y T S t s again i a g a e is h h t t , t i o b d b r a e R r v e e ’t g n o o R e D lik : p E u C I V D A N O I H S A F i This i ts a a it’s , t s e u q e r a t o n is s i h T . s t lis l/tlckGjjJ! z | O w t x e N 4 9 ' Playboy i Q

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Daryl Hannah seemed so o s d e m e e s h a n n a H l y r a D ! e o J . o s t in a it y a S r e v e o s s t i a s h s a w n e O s n e i e k s c a o J N m : o r S f S ) E e N u l K c A a E d W n a ( E L Y T S a look, she' rai thi boyish, and d n a f , o h s i e y u t o a b t S , in h e t h t il a r o 's t e h s n , k w o o o l d d o d o e h g a s n a e d t t o e g v a h d l u o w ve finally y l l a n i f e ’v e w e t a w h t , e w c n o O N . . s s g t i e l b a y e t s h g r u e a h n t o r g e h e h f s o r e t f a r e h r o f s e h t o l c e m o s w o r r in o g n B i s i : E m o C r I p V D A N O I H S A F ­ e B . r e h r o f r e n i l c a e r r d n h a s S u l p e h t a o o t t n i k c e a s b a e e s n r p u n t m e i l v o g e t a r o f t t n s a u j w , s t s a u o c r s u e o k r a e h m r e f f o o t y t r e b i L d i d y l b ­ t a a b o . l o f r s y P e o h a t t . n d i f y ­ a o ­ a u u w d r r p e o b n y n m r o is u e s s e j t v u s lik i e r o t . i r r e s t r a J v u k e o t e o n s o , n a l s y i K g y F m a m d J d r l e a d u h e h r o r t o l D i e b a w P w d Y e n s N h g k o s n n i s w a r , l y l s F e l e a o d d i N s m e o . b T e g o . a t s p e t t d e d e n r r a o h m n r e B ie East River to save her now; he wouldn't t ' n d l u o w e h ; w o n r e h e v a s o t r e v i R t s a E e ii t t just no understanding g n i d n a t s r e d n u o n t s u j s ' e r e h T . e s o p r u p n o it e W e h s Splash. had high s e p o h h g i h h c u s d a h e W thinking t a F ? ) V o s J - Z 1 U d L i D 1 _ O C - > 3 J U - E d n a r o z a is r h t a r h a t e i n w k c i n e e r m e e i t h n r O w e ! h t s a n i F e v : S e S s E o N h T K A E W E L Y T S : e s u c x e , d i d e t ll a a m i t e i g w , ­ y y a k n a O k h t o i t o e l u K o ’t : t r n T a d e i N h d E r u M o E y T t A a e T s S d r N a h O I c i H R S A F ? d i d o h w , n e h t ­ e l a e e h v a e r h o f e e b w t d u o b o l b f o in y m l a d S r a d . b r a o o l e f s o e l h t d l s u t i o h c e h t Sly debuts s t u b e d y l S it. o d re sorry, , y r r o s e ’r e w e , h t s e in i d a m L u t o . r s c k c s i t a k e o g o l n a r u t o s y d n n a c a t , u n b o ­ e n t, U lis m e o t l s C a r d o m e s W s t r e irs r f u s d u o e e d n h d t e o a g g m s e a l s - t n h o g i m e e d e h t d l o s - n e g o i a s g e u n t h i t n y a o s c s e it. v l o t a r s i n c p u o J a f y l n n ? o e e g s e n m u i s r i a c e c r ll p a e x m n i e t a h u s i c p w h t t o d t t u r b u o o e h w t lik i w e ’d h t e e c w a f , y l k n a r f Penis bad, vagina good.” . d o o g a n i g a v , d a b s i n e “P — m i x a m Rocky, t u b CAFE LUXEMBOURG WOMEN JESSICA HAHN i i A . g tin rin p eutueEdiorgtahol oftetx ustmoment bf re befo let ts e n n e o e m o m o m t s s ju tly text n re the a f p o p a ld o h but a t, get in r o p ito d this E e t a tiu ility xecu ib E r s u n e o h re p m o c in e as soon as te A l es hi et the s te le p m . o e c c n tie d a n p a r u o y im r h fo u s o te y a c k lo an th e IA W C . re the u d e c s ro a p n n itio o d o s extra s a le b a g o o d m o n e y in in y e n o m d o o g ON: ct e i t , de comments t n e m m o c e s e id n in s h c 0 a 0 at m ,0 l n d w in o rth w d o d w s n k a is c a il o h re tu y e ic d s p o o B h A T : : S N S E IO N S K U A L E C N W O C E L Y T S s' i great? it isn't b a d S c o t t is h a c c e n t ... 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◄ The emaciated genius W illiam S. Burroughs wonders why he can’t get a ◄ Thousands decent bagel for lunch cheer as Rick in his birthday suit... M oran is is excommunicated by the National Organization songwriter, wrestler, Ken­ o f W omen, There is now a neth Branaugh are expect­ contract out on his penis. ing their first son Keanu Prometheus Byron Max­ Pope Jean-CIaude well Brannaugh-Thomp- Van-II checked into son in late April. The ▲ A famous NYU Medical Center after he couple have no human chil­ Shakespearian attempted to explain to the dren so far, and this may stage actor citizens o f the Dogon tribe on prove no exception. The wonders whether the Gold Coast o f Africa ex­ wonder-couple are cur­ ◄ Mr. B u rrou gh s is actly why they were destined rently working on Ken’s going to eat him to burn in Hell forever. A l­ upcoming film Franken­ though he is a sprightly pon­ stein. Ken and Emma will 0 As evidenced by his Kennedy cousin tiff for his age. His Eminence next appear together in recent spoken-word Kennedy Kennedy, 33, got his papal butt spanked in Penelope Spheeris’s The album backed by Nirvana’s and her live-in companion the rumble which ensued. Little Rascals, which starts Kurt Cobain on guitar, Martina Navratilova, also Word from the Vatican is that lensing in Canada in June. poet/novelist/beat spokes­ 33, are expecting their first the Pope w asn’ t even sup­ The couple plan to leave man W illiam S. Burroughs child in January. Sources say posed to be in Africa. And no the child with friend John is not dead— yet. This sci­ the ecstatic couple hope that one could explain how he Gieulgud, says Thompson. ence-boggling fact has their child will be smart, ath­ ended up wondering aim­ alarmed anti-drug activists, letic, and have the attention lessly through Greenwich Vil­ ffiM Actor-director-singer- who fear the imminent rev­ span of your average lage bleeding from several songwriter, Bessie, elation that a half-nourished gnat...and Macaulay Culkin large wounds repeatedly 12, married notoriously man extended the span o f knocked up another one of shouting, “God Damn Dagos unfunny tragi-comic Rick his life by injesting ridicu­ his bitches this week. Ac­ had me outnumbered!” Moranis, 36, on December lous amounts o f every avail­ cording to a poll taken by 9 in her Chicago loft. It able controlled substance. Gannet News Services, that WSl Actor, writer, Oscar- was a beautiful ceremony, And legalization activists makes six in as many months. “ winner Emma Thomp­ but the festivities turned are catching on. Says one Dubbed “Packwood Junior” son and hubbie— singer, sour when Eddie, cousin to high-ranking pro-druggie, Bessie, got drunk, went out ◄ Call the “ Jesus, the inplications are into the barn, and knocked orthodontist! immense. Smoke crack over a lantern, unthink­ N ew lyw eds once and die; shoot heroin ingly burning down the for sixty years and outlive a Bessie and entire city of Chicago. Kennedy.” Ric Ocasek, Jim Eddie lock Carroll, and Keith Richards braces in a ■R j Marvin Treewhistle of were not available for com ­ little pre­ Phoenix, Arizona fi­ ment, however reliable m arital nally found his keys. The sources report that they are “ copulational intensive eighteen-month indeed among the living as cerem on y ” search is over. Congratula­ well. tions, Marvin! PLAGUE 3/7/94 m u i Schindler’s Shit List

Poodle Babe the Blue Ox MO-LLY TEM-PLE-TON!!!!! Buddy Sun-King "Smith" 'Necks Jack and Jim "Smith" Mel Brooks "Dream" Smith Rich Brooks Andrew Hammer Meijer, Inc. Anyone named Schlomo Comedy Central Spanky People Who Talk Mike Mozina People Who Listen Saadia and Pete People Who Died That Rocky Horror whore Harry Chapin Descartes The Skinny Boys Jesse 4H Caucasians The Tigers Men Spork Fred J. Parks Bjork Arie Kaplan Lynda Cooper UPS Alice Cooper US postal stamps Corpse of Mr. Hooper Beavis and Butthead"-style slayings Corn Flakes Tim Devlin Rachel Greg ARA Food Services Derek Spruce MLK and the Segregation Scholars Mitochondria "Rudy" (the movie & the mayor) Hypochondria American Express David Mamet Duff & Duff Sally Arthur J. Crew crew Dean Simon MPC The Amish Butt-Freak the Freshman Geek Martin Luther Luther Vandross Kate Moss HBO River Phoenix's corpse Bernoulli® Disks Moses et al. O'hare, Airport From Hell Eddie Vedder Anybody who makes Bobbitt jokes Stuart Frank Capra Jolly the Limey Bastard Penn Gillette Homo habilis Hello Citizen Tom Selleck & Candice Bergen Debaters (smarmy used-car salesmen) Hayden, Dorm of Doom Amateurs Paul Manicone Mom and Dad

Law rence V icto r Lew itinn •Nazi Bitch From Hell* FEAR AND LOATHING IN

LAS QUANTAS PHYSIGAS

Hunter S. Thompson accosts and abuses crippled scientist Stephen Hawking, but in a nice kind of way

It was November, 1993, my body Stephen Hawking’s latest book. You know was weary and my mind fried. Or maybe it Hawking, that diseased physics genius. I was the other way around. Either way, I had think he’s on late-night cable with that show, just returned to the owl farm at Woody Physics Friends. I don’t know. Pop culture Creek from a gruesome journey to New has gotten really stupid. York City. Walking magazine had sent me to Well, I was not only supposed to the big city to cover the less glamourous review his book, but I was being flown to his aspects of the New York Marathon. home in Cambridge to get the story first­ I got there two weeks late and spent hand. My agent said that the arrangements the entire time hanging out in Greenwich had already been made and that a car was on Village. I remember stopping scores of its way to pick me up. people on Bleecker Street and asking them if Ye Gods, once more into the air I they’d seen the Pope. Most just turned and go. Since my bags were already packed from walked briskly away from me. Some co-ed the New York fiasco, 1 figured that I had time with a tight NYU sweatshirt said that she had to grab some goodies from the cupboard. I seen him standing in line at Mondo Perso. snagged a bag of coke, a sheet of blotter Hawking in his office— does he take As far as I know, I ended up turning in a story paper, and a liter of Wild Turkey. I was only his wife right there, next to the desk? on the speed-walking incident in the Thanks­ going to be in Cambridge for a day or two, so giving Day Parade. I figured 1 had enough shit to hold me over. crazy. Twice, I swerved off the road for fear Next thing 1 knew it was February, I decided right there that if I was physically of hitting the giant Gila monsters which so I caught the first cab to JFK and got the capable I would make an attempt to remove suddenly appeared in front of me. I kept hell out of the city as fast as 1 could. Only a the flight-waitress’ skimpy outfit at thirty hearing these ghostly voices in my head twisted bastard like Sinatra could claim to thousand feet. Unless the eight-legged aliens saying “You have got to he kidding me. want to “wake up in a city that never sleeps.” prevent me. Those bastards never let me Thank you, Bert I Gordon. " How can you wake up if you never get any have any fun. I almost swerved a third time, but sleep? Moron insomniacs are creating bad The 1 imo ride and the fl ight to Cam­ by then 1 realized that there are no Gila craziness in every cheeseball nightclub these bridge are a blur. About all I can say for sure Monsters east of Nevada. And I had some days. was that a fat Haitian named “Jorge” drove trouble with those Massachusetts drivers— I was happy to get back to the Owl me to Boulder, gave me my tickets, and all those morons were driving on the wrong Farm and my pet peacocks. They told me it pointed me toward my gate. The next thing side of the road. I guess those snotty academ­ was 1994, and where the hell had I been all I remember, 1 was pissing into the garbage ics in Cambridge think they can be more this time, but I just ignored them, cracked can in a bar at Chicago O’Hare. I probably liberal in their observance of the rules of the open the champaigne and put on my favorite missed my flight to Cambridge, but I’m not road than regular folk. paper hat. sure. By my calculations, I should have [ What Thompson never seemed to Before I had time to blow my fun reached Boston at 10:23 p.m. on Thursday, realize is that Stephen Hawking lives in whistle and grab a glass of iced Wild Turkey, February 17, but instead I woke up late on England, not Massachusetts. This not only my phone rang. By the sound of the ring, I Friday when some guy slammed down his accounts for his difficulties on the road, hut knew it was bad news. Don’t ask me how I baggage next to me on the merry-go-round also his "lost" day of travel. We attempted to know a bad ring from a good one, I just thing. I found a key to a Royal Inn hanging explain this to him, hut he threatened to sue know. With a head full of acid and almost out of my coat pocket and sat there for a us for ‘vicious assault with deadly amphib­ thirty years of gonzo-journalistic experi­ while, pondering the implications of this ians, illegal aliens, and Haitians'—ed. ] ence somehow credited to my name, I can ominous development. The drive didn’t take but an hour, tell a good ring from a shitty one, and this I picked up my rental car around though the trip itself took over three. Be­ smelled worse than my college roommate. noon. Sunday noon, that is. It was a candy tween the monster hallucinations, swerving And it wouldn’t be scared off as easily. red 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix, paid for by constantly to avoid certain death, and pull­ My agent informed me that the those Plague dopes. I wondered if their ing over periodically to snort some coke, I Plague, some moronic, student-run humour managing editor has ever kissed a girl be­ was lucky to have made it there by sundown. magazine wanted me to do a review of sides his mom. The drive to Cambridge was Sundown Tuesday, that is.

PLAGUE 3/7/94 2 1 ^

[a Oh, Oh, You have a a have You ◄ Mrs. H Mrs. a w◄ k ­ ing snapped ing this photo just photojust this a before Huntercrazed jumpedher husband, knocking his over chair and hurling himthrough plate-glass a the into back. out pool windowand swimming [slurping noises] [slurping more coughing] more Now let’s get down to some do you really believe you that STEPHEN STEPHEN HAWKING: So far, say­ you Are universe? HST: Our you really professor, HST: Jesus, HST: [ HST: Rightthere, behind your desk. desk. your behind Rightthere, HST: hope don’t you HST: see. 1 Oh, 1 SH: Yes, that is a distinct possibil­ distinct a is that Yes, SH: SH: No. a HST: way, why By is the there SH: SH: Amoeba? Where? Monet’s“ That’s Waterlillies”. SH: SH: SH: Read my book. It gives, in have have given us an of picture accurate the cigarette] development? universe’s of development and origin meet the on to yet theory my has live we which in universe the others? be might there that ing ity.. the hell can there be more than one universe? one than more be there can hell the serious serious opposition from members of the community. scientific mind me drinking straight from the bottle, bottle, the from straight drinking me mind tion of my theory of the possibility of mul­ possibility of ofthe my tion theory universes. tiple are a nut. 1 mean, with all due respect, how how respect, due all with mean, 1 nut. a are more of the good stuff, stuff, good ofthe more true that your of theory that of true possibility the upon is the contingent universes multiple simple terms for your benefit, an explana­ an for your benefit, terms simple glass I can borrow? And some And some ice? borrow? can I glass long silence] long and what you were talking about, too. Isn’t it it Isn’t too. about, talking were you what and That big blue and green blob... green and blue big That giant picture of an amoeba on your wall? on your amoeba ofan picture giant

] ed. — I I was shocked such that awful, I decided to skip the small talk and and talk small the skip to decided I HUNTER S THOMPSON: So [Here the manuscript ends. Dr. ends. manuscript the [Here Not only had 1 asked the renowned renowned the asked 1 had only Not Thompson refused to finish the story, so we so story, the finish to refused Thompson turn to remembered somehow had Thompson mouth, so much so that 1 out mo­ blacked 1 so so much mouth, that this week, and do you and your old lady still still old lady your and you do and week, this [lots of coughing, a few long drags on on a drags few long a of coughing, [lots physicist Stephen Hawking whether he still still he whether Hawking Stephen physicist drugs illegal took also I wife, but his nailed of ease of to aide an in the front with him was This Noriega. Manuel General retired of feelings point, At not good a this start. fuck-ups in under a minute! a under in fuck-ups under my right eyelid, and began to relax. to began relax. eyelid, and my right under pseudo-intellectual words came out of my pseudo-intellectual into my reached I instinctively mentarily. and needing to use the john, it wasn’t much much wasn’t john, it the use to needing and “Twoquestions. ques­ hard the ofasking out start made universe entire the what’s tions: on regularly?” it get self-loathing overwhelmed me and my cer­ my and me overwhelmed self-loathing transcript of the audio tape conversation tape audio of the transcript coat pocket and grabbed two hits of acid. I of acid. I hits two grabbed and coat pocket one stuck my other and the under tongue of a ofchoice. a ebellum just shut down.... shut just ebellum have tried to piece together just what tran­ what just together piece to tried have the entering before recorder on tape his you see is home. here What a Hawking doctors two the between Then 1 realized where I was. Ye was. Gods, two I where realized 1 Then spired at the Hawking interview. Fortiuiately, interview. Hawking the at spired

among other things. other among figuring out these no Magazine. horrible, debilitating dis­ debilitating horrible, Oui I eased into the Hawk­ the into eased I Mrs. Hawking showed showed Hawking Mrs. I introduced myself I introduced to Hawking. There There was a giant photo of an ; lactose intolerance, I think. Anyway, think. I intolerance, ; lactose 1? I •! 3/7/94 PtAGUt ing ing driveway at a stately 35- her as Irving R. Levine and told told and Levine R. Irving as her up when I introduced myself to to myself introduced I when up to way no really there’s then, But I been anywhere near the planet planet the near anywhere been I have felt terrible about that, had had that, about terrible felt have may of Mrs. Hawking. I would of I may Hawking. Mrs. miles-per-hour, much to the dis­ the to much miles-per-hour, photos of her and her husband's husband's her and ofher photos her that I was here to take nude nude take to here was I that her little hazy. I might have fucked- fucked- have might I hazy. little and an attractive one, too. I’m a too. one, I’m a attractive an and at the time. There’s about a 62% 62% a about There’s time. the at Puritans). The Puritans). is to wired a com­ keypad three inches in diameter and rippled with with and rippled inches in diameter three interview, or stick around on my own terms terms own on my around stick or interview, run out of the room and say to hell with the the with hell to say and room of out the run He drooled. At that moment, 1 almost went went almost 1 moment, At that drooled. He uses to tap on a keypad, keypad, a on tap to uses he can’t speak or move any ofor move limbs— any his can’t speak he to find a room filled with weighty, leather- leather- weighty, with room filled a find to tomes. I poked my head in a nearby oak door door oak nearby a in head my poked I tomes. Einstein, and Matt Groenig; the bookcases Groenig; the Matt and Einstein, wheelchair wheelchair for tell tell with these stoic New En­ oak-floored large, a into me led me me quickly shuffled me and in chance that she’s a nice woman, woman, nice a she’s that chance puter, on which he can do his work, and to a a to and work, his do can he which on puter, muscles, but she just turned pale and walked walked and pale turned just she but muscles, and see what happens. Paralyzed by fear, Paralyzed see and happens. what asking too much. I had two choices, either choices, two either had too I much. asking a kilo of coke and a gut full of whiskey was was ofwhiskey full gut a ofcoke and kilo a physics genius while under the influence of influence the under while genius physics to pieces. I had tackled some tough stories stories some tough tackled had to pieces. I Allegedly, Allegedly, Hawking is a paraplegic who working away. And slowly wasting away. away. And working away. slowly wasting puter desk where the mad genius was slowly slowly was genius mad the where desk puter amoeba on the wall, right behind the com­ the behind right wall, on the amoeba bound women. Strange. women. bound were were filled with weighty, leather-bound band does his deepest thinking does thinking band deepest his glanders. hus­ her where study—obviously past her gawking children. She She children. gawking her past The best in Japanese Karaoke technology. Karaoke Japanese in best The voice synthesizer, through which he speaks. speaks. he which through voice synthesizer, (I asked his wife how his finger came to be be to came finger wife his how his asked (I away. away. There’s just before, but trying before, to a but trying gurgling interview except for his right index finger, which he which he finger, index except for right his suffers from some some from suffers ease autographed pictures of pictures Galileo, autographed Newton, vast vast room. The walls were lined with and crime-solving. It was a cold, cold, a was It crime-solving. and MITCHELL A l b e r t o

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What if I miss u dose or forget to use FR O G AIN E*? At this point the voices on the tape ^ our orthodontist w ill be very dissapointed in you. l>o not try and make up for missed applications (unless a late fee is paid). ^ ou should restart yo ur twice-daily doses at day one on the usage chart. become far too garbled to understand. The sound of Thompson ’syelling, intermittently What are the most common side effects reported in clinical studies with FR O G AIN E*? Side effects were minimal; only 7% reported temporary hearing loss. 15% reported neck stiffness, and 30% complained that their interrupted by Hawking’s squak box, fills hats no longer fit them. I- R O G AIN E* should not he applied to irrituted, sunburned or prosthetic foreheads. You should ask sour doctor to discus, the possible side effects of FRO G AIN E* with you. FR O G AIN E* is not recommended for members of three minutes of the tape. Then a loud crash government, parliament, or participants in the Federal Witness Protection Program. is heard and the tapegoes silent. From what What are some of the side effects reported? we gather, Dr. Thompson dumped Stephen I- R (K rA IN E * was used by lots of people (many of them female) in placenta controlled clinical trials. Exempt from demonological events tinvolving some skin), no individual reaction or reactions grouped by body systems appeared to be more Hawking and his wheelchair into the pool in common Dermotalogic:A dumb name for u software company—6.34%: Respiratory : most patients were still breathing— 12.3% ;Gu*trmnte*tinuknausccaca,voting and metabolism—5.5%; Neurologic: headache, hangover, deja vu (nope, not gonna do a fit of rage, and stormed out of the room. »t); Genital tract: ask your doctor; Special Senses: tclckcnisis, ESP. Hegelian photography—.03%; Allergic:? Don't use it;!W hiatric:anxict>. depression, fatigue.puranoui.plaid: Scottish ancestry; Hemalogic; “i have the powerrrrr"—.0000001%, He then drove his rental car to a local pub failed; Ency clopedia. Neum ism alie*: looseness o f change 2.3% ; P hilitelic: dryness o f tongue— 12% . F R O G A IN E * use has been monitored for the past five years. No one hus died yet. and proceeded to drink himself back to nor­ mal. Apparently he was arrested during the What are the possible side effects that could affect the heart, circulation, and endocrine glands when using FR O G A IN E*? As long as you return your books when you've finished so other people can rend them, you should be all right, but you could die. course of the evening, because he tried to If you are driving and your hair or someone else s hair obstructs your vision while you are driving or operating heavy machinery it would be bad Your hair could catch on fire. Birds could nest in your hair and freak you out if you've watched The Birds call us the next morning from Cambridge within the past year. "Freak you out" is not a medical m k recognised by the M .D.A.A.M .A. A.D.A. A.P.A. M.T.A or M.O.M.A. and asked us for f2500 for bail. He kept

What factors may increase the risk of serious side effects with FR O G AIN E*? babbling about stupid cops with no guns ■' '* reccmcnJed Hum F R O G A IN E * be u w l in tandem. O r w ith cocaine, heroin, T H C , L S D . o r other popular illegal demanding measures of weight rather than drug. FROGAINE* should not he used in conjunction wilh Hair Club For Men. FRO G AINE* should not he applied to irritated, sunburned or prosthetic foreheads. money. Being used to whipping out unrea­

Gan people with high blood pressure use FR O G AIN E*? sonable sums of money for absolutely no Main people with high blood pressure lead normal and productive lives, but they should be monitored more closely by their health care provider. People taking high blood pressure medication should not use FRO G AIN E*. People with high blood good reason, we complied, on the assurance pressure who like to binge on potato chips and Oreo* at die same time should not use FR O G A IN E* because we will get blamed for it. that he would forward the interview to our offices by UPS. Should any precautions be followed? Keep children dear of electrical nutlet, before applying FRO G AIN E*; look both nays before crossing the street on sour way to Evidently, he stuck a few stamps on buy F R O G A IN E *; don't go to an A T M machine at rught to get money to pay for F R O G A IN E * . Bess are loss bridges Bew are ’I odd Bridges. the cassette case and dropped it near a

Are there any special precautions for women? mailbox; we received the tape two weeks If l»c doc so t have u condom, tell him to get lost, although condoms themselves are only something like 89% effectiv e. Know who later, with postage due. We also received a you are sleeping with, best to keep it to family and friend*. FR O G AIN E* is not reccomendcd for use by pregnant women or their children. collect callfrom the Cambridge authorities;

Gan FRO G AIN E be used by children? a secretary informed us that should we see I R O G AIN E* is sold to children* under the condition that they get parental permission before using it on Dad. The safety of the Dr. Thompson, we are obligated to remind use of FR O G AIN E* on non-child star children has not been tested, and no. it doesn't work on pets, so don't even think it. Jr. I mean what can be said about hair replacement that hasn't been said on The Simpsons anyway? him that if he tries to enter the United King­ ( ,iiutl

A PORK-LOVING M ARTYR

▲ Earl Levar a few months before the showdown in Kansas; was he planning his Masque of Firey Pork even then?

TSIX O’CLOCK IN the morn­ “ He called me a couple of times chess masters. ing Irene is strapped into her before the whole stand-off thing,” says However, the bulk of his work cen­ chair in front of the TV. At six- Sharon, Levar’s ex-girlfriend of four ters around forty arguments as to why thirty the first tapes of Matlock years. “ But I was always busy doing raw strips of bacon make the best book­ are fed into the machine. Shortly after something.That’sabout the time, I think, marks in the world. Referring to them as the first episode’s opening credits, Irene when he decided to write his book. At bacon-marks, Levar decreed, “there’s begins to scream at the top of her lungs, least, he said so on my answering ma­ no oily build-up on the page from my “I’m not the queen of short-order cooks chine.” bacon-marks. Oh, wait a minute, I guess anymore, so don’t call me that!” Sharon then played us the taped there is.” Irene Anderson is one of only two message she received a little over a year Documented in sporadic journal surviving members of the incident at ago, “Areyou there? Cause...pick up if entries, Levar outlines how he spent the Lawrence, Kansas municipal library. you are. Sharon? I’m going to write a most of his time during the hostage Irene was held hostage for forty-three book, Sharon. But I don’t want to use a situation. One entry reads, “ Day 14. days by Earl Levar in a back reading pen. Oh, no, not Earl Levar. I’m using Today I got to the part in Crichton’s room of the library. bacon!” Sharon, with tears in her eyes, Jurassic Park where the kids discover The July 3, 1993 attack on the later added, “It was the damnedest thing the cute little T. Rex baby dinosaurs, Lawrence library by America’s high­ you ever did see.” then I got sleepy and put a strip of raw est-ranking pyro/biblical assault team Levar used a state-of-the-art Ex- bacon in the book to mark my place. See was the most fiery ending to a library act-O™ knife to cut off thin strips of you tomorrow, Earl!” stand-off in US history. bacon in a remote room of the library. Levar’s writings in Lawrence stand “Towards the end,” remarks Janet With these materials he composed his as a written confession to almost three Cusbutt, a fellow survivor, “ Most of chronicles on broad strips of shiny, white hundred incidents of library book des­ what he said was visionary. Then, he butcher paper. Levar’s writings cov­ ecration across the country. Driving a forgot his self-appointed nickname, ered topics ranging from home furnish­ customized van he stole from a K-Mart Reggie.” ing to short biographies of high ranking parking lot, Levar traveled from state to

316 3/7/94 PLAGUE and and movies and movies and Raw Bacon Raw Bandit in The Heartland The in PLAGUE 3/7/94 317 3/7/94 PLAGUE Mrs. Burton remembers, Mrs. “ remembers, Burton he re­ “That’s when Earl started getting getting started “That’s Earl when Although Levar was in constant When we asked Mrs. Burton what what Burton Mrs. asked we When her about added later Burton Mrs. Most Most religious leaders see pork One thing is for sure, Earl is One thing Levar for Earl sure, The true The motives for true his heinous reformed them into War Bacon. Levar Levar Bacon. War into them reformed mean­ mantra Hebrew ancient an be to amazement the to Much bookmark. ing it for a ruler?’” a for it When Levar was words thirteen the scrambled he un­ claimed the newly unscrambled words words unscrambled newly the claimed Levar everywhere, ofscholars biblical right. was in trouble in in school,” trouble Mr. remembers chem­ his in bacon ofraw strips leavin’ to notebook. saying istry remember 1 going use ofyou Are bacon? piece that creative his with his teachers, trouble ‘Sharky’s Machine’ on the beach with with beach ‘Sharky’s Machine’ on the Levar. Levar. “ Sumpthing-er-other about you doing with ‘are says, What 1 him, of goodstory particularly one members Lord after modeled story, The Levar’s. wrote the ending of the book something something book ofthe ending the wrote got kids the rescued effect to the that Ma­ ‘Sharky’s the behind meaning the ’81. loved He the writing teacher, Mrs. Burton, still still re­ Mrs. Burton, teacher, writing essay an in place won first Flies, ofthe only minutes after spelling out the words words the out spelling after minutes only ofbacon.” strips raw oh I’dsay ’79- years, Reynolds’s peak competition held by local church group. church local by held competition chine’ reference was she responded, “ It “ It responded, she was reference chine’ Jew!” of business, your none ain’t only Levar “Normally, student, favorite ball Run II.’” Run ball concentrated on the films made during during made films on the concentrated Muslims and Jews abstain from it all abstain Jews and Muslims devel­ He Levar. Earl not But together. ofreading. tired even named his pet hamsters, ‘Cannon­ hamsters, pet his named even probably never wanted to hurt anyone. anyone. hurt to wanted never probably “All Levar Burton, ofMrs. words the In couldn’t he just he probably get that, products, products, even bacon, as “unclean.” ofbased belief system complex a got oped he bookwhen a in it putting around crimes may never be known. be never may crimes when and attention, was life in wanted breakfast.” wanted ■ ROBS BASSIST ■ WEBERBEN

A team of 11 experts was called in in called was ofexperts 11 Ateam In his youth, Levar was a prodigy prodigy a was Levar youth, his In “ When Earl “ When was Earl little,” recounts “The more bacon he ate, the more more the ate, he bacon “The more to figure to figure out was exactly Levar what doing. As one technician postulated, “ I “ I postulated, technician As one doing. here.” maniac a with ing Rodge Levar, Earl’s father, “he used to to “he used father, Earl’s Levar, Rodge case ofintensive The ali­ trichinosis. symptoms. hallucinogenic it’s victims wanted to presuppose that he knew you you knew he that presuppose to wanted the on place your well mark very can’t we’redeal­ But bacon. with microfiche have have those spells real bad.” hyper- a Doctors with 11 age at Earl diagnosed of consumption the by on brought ment, uncooked pork products, often gives had the more bacon he wanted to eat. I I eat. to wanted he bacon more the had trips to the national word search finals finals search word national the to trips visions he had, and the more visions he he visions more the and had, he visions ofcycle vicious a it call could you guess visions too and eating much raw ba­ con,” said. Rodge three He of made games. word simple during junior his high school career. I>evar used the back of the van as a a as van of the back the used I>evar proved essential to Levar’s massive as­ massive Levar’s to essential proved workshop to manufacture over two hun­ two over manufacture to workshop state visiting various libraries. various visiting state sault on municipal libraries throughout throughout libraries municipal on sault of impressive most Mid-West, the the dred phony library cards. These cards cards These cards. phony library dred which was Levar’s assault on a Canton, Canton, a on assault Levar’s was which Ohio microfiche Ohio machine. microfiche ▲There were only two survivers of the unscheduled fireworks display that engulfed Levar approximately 24 hours prior to Independance Day. MITCHELL ^ P U Z Z L E R MAJOR ANNOYANCE

34. “ You” (Berle’s theme) 1 2 3 1. 1st name 35. Occupation of of Cmdr-in- former Plague 8 9 10 11 Chief editor Lawrence 4. Alternate Lewitinn 12 name for 36. Empty space Exodus 37. Fill in the 8. Limp MTV 38. This magazine 13 14 peon dumped by Marky Mark 0 3 3 HE G 15 for Chris Farley 1. Hung-Job Carson 12. Thanksgiving (abbr.) veggie 2. Orgasm sound 16 17 13. Our favorite 3. "Your shorts are four-letter word aflame." (pi. 20 21 22 14. Six letter word French) for bucket 4. Fancy cheese 15. Cambodian (French spelling) 23 124 25 26 27 28 cookware 5. Michael Milkin 16. 1st name of offense 29 actor, 19 Acr. 6. Lithuanian tennis 130 19. Last name of hero actor in 16 Acr. 7. Bosnian tennis 31 32 20. E hero 23. Paraphrase the 9. Native American u 33 134 Eucharist in five orgasm sound letters 10. Nude 24. Rex Indonesians On 35 136 29. 'till vou Layaway (acr.) drop 11. M --- y Python 37 138 30. Zero in Roman 16. Rummy bee numerals (card game) 31. Pink Floyd at 17. Try our fine, NYU local water 22. “Juuuuuust a bit 27. What the fuck i where did that 32. Like the Ten 18. There is no #18. outside!” going on? come from? Command Does this piss 25. Write some 28. These answers 35. Doesn't anybody ments you off? Good. random letters are jibberish edit this 33. must 21. “Cum on my toe" 25. Sheepsong, no 33. “___ of Love” garbage? ANSWERS perish! (etymology) sharps or flats 34. Wait a minute, 38. This really sucks TO THIS WEEK’S PUZZLER (now ff*rt (tomans *rrt/w

D i B L E 1 D A N 0 S L A B S I b L A N K

18 DOWN If U C K S F u c k F l i p p e r