Th e student newspaper of Imperial College London

Issue 1,394 felix Friday 1 February 2008 felixonline.co.uk

Inside

Sabbatical Interviews

Pages 4 to 6

Up the teenage duffer: Juno Poster punch-up Page 22 Fashion philosophy Anonymous’ campaign against Scientology hits the with Andy Warhol Walkway, but who are they? Felix investigates on page 3

Page 24

Imperial Idol(s) crowned

10:30 closing time

Student misbehaviour prompts ICSM Union intervention. See page 2 Page 35 2 felix Friday 1 February 2008

News News Editor – Andrew Somerville, News Goblin – Matty Hoban [email protected]

Bell tolls for Reynolds Bar: I’ll have a jumper, two pairs Last orders at 10:30pm of socks and a scarf please ICSM Union President requests students to improve behaviour after complaints, damages and verbal abuse to security staff

Tom Roberts & Andrew Somerville

Complaints have forced the Reynolds Bar on the ICSM (Imperial College School of Medicine) Charing Cross campus to bring forward its closure time for an indefinite amount of time. The Reynolds Bar, run by the ICSM Union, is the social centre and forms the hub of most their social activities. The bar will now shut at 10:30pm every night of the week, half an hour earlier than its usual closing time and two and a half hours earlier than its Wednesday and Friday night licensing time of 1:00am. The decision to change the opening hours was announced last Friday by the ICSM Union President Tim Wills following a spate of inci- dents over the last two weeks and a complaint from a local resident. Recently the Reynolds Bar has seen widespread damage to its facilities by drunken students including a toilet being ripped from a wall, light fix- tures being broken and door fittings being destroyed by students leaving the premises. There has also been a Out of order: one of the toilets which was damaged by students complaint by a security team mem- ber of verbal abuse from an unknown student (currently under investigation perpetrated by a small minority of raise funds for their activities. by the ICSM Union). The decision to students, is unacceptable and I am “No-one can be asked to pay £5 entry alter practices was taken following this committed to improving the situation for only two and a half hours,” said one litany of incidents and was further in- for both local residents and students,” student, “we don’t want to go some- fluenced by a local resident’s allegation stated Mr Wills when questioned. where only to have to leave at 10:30.” of a student vomiting in their garden. Felix canvassed medics at the Sir Another criticised the ICSM Union Mr Wills issued a statement to all Alexander Fleming (SAF) building fol- response, calling it “over the top,” “ri- medics announcing the change in bar lowing the announcement. Medical diculous and counterproductive.” practices drawing reference to these students questioned the wisdom of the Our sources suggest that the Rey- incidents and urging them to “treat the decision, fearing that an earlier closing nolds brings in under £100 of turnover local residents with respect and leave time would trigger a “spiralling decline” on most nights, but on Wednesdays the premises quickly and quietly” in the of the Reynolds bar, which already and Fridays this increases to £1.5k. If you went down to the Union on Monday night you were sure future. He also pledged to increase the has a troubled financial history. They How the bar will fare with a greatly to find a surprise. Newly formed Knit Sock piled into The Union number of stewards on busy nights and also voiced concern that the measures reduced trading period on its most Bar for their Inaugural Meeting. Around 30 Knit Sock members require the presentation of students’ would damage many medics’ clubs and profitable evenings is sure to concern brought out their needles and yarn for an evening or knitting and swipe cards for entry on Fridays. societies which on many Fridays hold the management and ICSMU over the crocheting prompting mystified looks from others entering the bar “This kind of behaviour, although themed “bops” and other events to coming weeks.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London felix 1,394 SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest Road, Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper Friday 1/02/08 ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2007.

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Editor-in-Chief Business Editor Games Editors LOLCATS Tom Roberts Afonso Campos Azfarul Islam Sebastian Nordgren Deputy & News Editor Politics Editors Andrew Somerville Li-Teck Lau Technology Editor Kadhim Shubber James Finnerty

News Editor OF TEH WEEK Matty Hoban Arts Editors Travel Editors Rosie Grayburn Nadine Richards Layout Editors Caz Knight Ahranyan Arnold Jemil Salami David Paw Sally Longstaff Emily Wilson Fashion Editor Sarah Skeete Copy Editors Coffee Break Editor Louise Etheridge The Pornographer Sports Editor Tom Culley Jovan Nedić Anthony Maina Nightlife Editor Gilead Amit Greg Mead Photography Jesse Garman Sally Longstaff Film Editor Vitali Lazurenko Science Editor Alex Casey Ed Henley Thanks to Anonymous Friday 1 February 2008 felix 3 [email protected] News Anonymous posters on campus The internet declares war on the Church of Scientology. Felix reports from Battlefield Imperial

Andrew Somerville tology legal team. skepticism of the Church, and as Deputy & News Editor These events and legal threats were more people have begun to do a lit- seen as the ‘final straw’ for a commu- tle research into the organisation that In the past week a new poster cam- nity on 711Chan, one of the internet’s has been parodied and pilloried in the paign has been launched, almost un- most notorious social forums, which mainstream media, many have become noticed, on Imperial’s South Kensing- interpreted the move as an attempted concerned about the global intentions ton campus: a campaign, born from censorship, and the most recent in a and actions of this powerful minority an underground internet movement, series of alleged “unethical practices” and its stranglehold over certain as- which has reached across the globe practised by the Church. They launched pects of US society, most notably Hol- and broken out of its electronic form a massive underground campaign “de- lywood. The protesters cite evidence of to create a publicity barrage in cities all claring war” on Scientology under the conspiracy, espionage, harassment and over Europe and America. moniker of “Anonymous,” (“We are manslaughter to justify their online at- The Sherfield Walkway is adorned Anonymous, We are Legion”), issuing tacks (denial of service and defacement with many different adverts and pub- several Youtube messages to the world of pro-scientology websites) and their licity for our many societies and events, news services. picketing of the physical parts of the but its most recent addition is for a The main focus of the campaign is Church. campaign symbolising a global protest the worldwide picketing of Scientology The online movement has a real air against a ‘religious’ entity: the Church buildings on 10th February at 11am, of popular uprising against what is of Scientology. It calls for governments, handing out flyers and information interpreted as a suppressive, invasive, media, organisations and individuals about what “Anonymous” claims is the and greedy entity. It has the potential to destroy what it refers to as a “vicious true face of Scientology. to become one of the first global, po- organisation which routinely uses legal This is only the most recent in a litical campaigns to begin solely on action, defamation and assassination series of incidents involving the con- the internet amongst people who have to silence those who speak out.” The troversial religion. Early last year saw never met in real life. posters also urge students to become respected BBC investigative journal- The momentum that the campaign part of the “Anonymous” group and ist John Sweeney losing his temper on has already gained is signified by its join the London cell of the global anti- camera at a high-ranking member of rapid appearance at Imperial: notorious Scientology picket on 10th February in the Church of Scientology; a Panorama for its lethargy on most issues. Despite Blackfriars, where the UK Scientology episode exposing some of the more beginning only two weeks previously, headquarters is based. sinister aspects of the organisation; on Monday there were already over 10 On 16th January global newspapers and much tense discussion amongst posters along the Walkway alone, and and media reported on the internet journalists, pundits and the public at more over the rest of campus. Some leak of a video showing Tom Cruise large about the nature of Scientology. have been removed since, by parties talking about his Scientology beliefs, The Church in turn has redoubled its unknown (although many people have coinciding with the publishing of an efforts to become recognised as a bona brought them to various officers of the One of three “Anonymous” group posters on the Sherfield Walkway unauthorised biography of Mr Cruise fide religion in the UK, fight its ban Union), but the posters have not gone by renowned biographer Andrew Mor- in Germany, and improve its much- completely unnoticed and more are ex- ton. The embarrassing leaked video, mocked public image. pected over the coming weeks. originators of the physical publicity. put a dent in the previously indomina- set to the “Mission: Impossible” theme These new developments, however, Felix has talked to several students What becomes of the campaign is ble Church of Scientology. tune and full of controversial quotes, are newsworthy on several fronts. who are already members of “Anony- still to be determined. Opinion is di- The public eye, however, is clearly was posted on many news sites, but The initiation of the “Anonymous” mous,” and all are preparing for 10th vided over whether it will fizzle out like watching this standoff between a ‘re- then rapidly removed from most after campaign has tapped into a strong February and the surrounding events, many other internet fads, or stay for ligion’ and an ‘anonymous’ group of threats from the much-feared Scien- undercurrent of public mistrust and but none have admitted to being the long enough to make a difference and online troublemakers.

Science Challenge Awards Ceremony location unveiled Next stop, Beit Quadrangle? Tom Roberts Editor-in-Chief

The archway to Beit Quadrangle could become a shelter for people hiding from the rain whilst they wait for a bus depending on the outcome of a Prince Consort Road bus stop implementa- tion scheme. Westminster City Council (WCC) is making changes to two of its bus routes in the area: 360 and 70. The original plans proposed involve the lifting of the right hand turn ban for buses turn- ing onto Exhibition Road as well as the installation of a new bus stop directly outside the archway entrance of Beit The Challenge will be held at the Science Museum’s IMAX Theatre Quad. Since the plans were proposed, WCC has received letters from residents in n Tuesday night, RCSU Tuesday. Similarly, people who signed the area and the Union has also been Science Challenge or- up to the mailing list to win a Wii must in contact to express its dismay with ganiser Daniel Burrows also attend the final evening. the plans. finally revealed that the Sir Brian Hoskins gave his seminar The entrance to Beit Quad is a ma- O awards ceremony would on Tuesday night too; his question be- jor thoroughfare for students plus it take place in the Science Museum’s ing: “To what extent is geoengineer- is only metres away from a pedestrian The bus stand currently outside the Holy Trinity Church IMAX Theatre. The IMAX Theatre ing the solution to the climate change crossing. Furthermore, clubs and soci- stands taller than four double deckers problem?” Sir Brian’s talk was clearly eties often park minibuses outside the and measures wider than my mum. and concisely delivered in this report- archway entrance before heading off charge of the implementation scheme the management of the Royal Albert There will also be a black tie recep- er’s eyes and anyone who missed the for fixtures and tours. for more information. Hall agrees to the revisions remains to tion in the Science Museum’s Energy presentation is advised to download The proposals have left residents Mr McNamara said that he had re- be seen. Hall afterwards. and watch it by heading to www.rscu. scratching their heads and wondering ceived a number of letters from people The bus stop was originally sched- Entrants are required to attend the org.uk/sciencechallenge. why the bus stand currently in place in the area and that he had been con- uled to be finished by 5th February. awards ceremony on Tuesday 18th Next week, seminars will be given by outside the Holy Trinity Church – next tacted by Imperial College about the Once completed, Beit Hall residents March if they want a chance of winning Dr Paul Snaith and Dr Philip Campbell. door to Beit Quad – can’t be converted proposals. The plans are being recon- can expect to roll out of bed, onto a the £2,500 first prize along with an Ap- Lord Robert Winston will be present- into a bus stop. sidered with the possibility of moving bus and end up in Elephant And Castle ple Macbook, the latter of which was ing on the following Tuesday. Seminars Felix contacted West One Project the bus stop 15m down the road to- or perhaps Acton. If they’re that way revealed to be an additional prize on take place in MechEng 220 at 6:30pm. Engineer, Guy McNamara, who is in wards the Royal Albert Hall. Whether inclined. 4 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Stand for nomination: www.imperialcollegeunion.org/vote Union Elections 2008 Current Sabbatical Interviews

Passing on the mantle

n Monday nominations have enjoyed their time in office and for the 2008 Imperial what the future holds. Don’t worry, the College Union (ICU) Felix Editor didn’t interview himself; Elections opened. Since Politics Editor Kadhim Shubber posed O then, more than ten the questions in this feature. people have already put themselves for- If you’ve already put yourself up for ward for the various Sabbatical Officer nomination or you’re dilberating about positions and many more are expected whether to do it, read these interviews to follow over the coming week as the and hopefully you’ll get a better idea deadline for nominees approaches. of what it’s like to take a year out from This time last year the five people your studies and to work in the Union. featured on the next three pages en- The Union is run with students at the tered the 2007 election race and suc- helm, for students. If you feel up to the cessfully managed to convince the vot- task, log on to www.imperialcollege- ing student body that they were worthy union.org/vote and stand for election. of their respective positions. You will need to get twenty of your Felix interviewed each of the current friends to login and second you too. ICU Sabbatical Officers to find out how Nominations close on Monday 11th their terms have been, whether they February! Good luck. The infamous Sabbatical 2007/08 photo. Look at them. So happy, weren’t they?

are needed to carry out your job? which have been delivered and I still good participation in student activities have 5 months left. This year has seen but we would like to increase partici- You definitely need a sense of humour increased support for Faculty Unions, pation on the welfare and representa- for this job combined with an ability to a more diverse catering offer intro- tion side of things. step back from it all. With the number duced and I even stuck to my promise of hours you put in it can be dishearten- of constructive engagement with the Do you think there is a problem ing when some things don’t go accord- National Union of Students despite my with low turnout in the Union? ing to plan so you do need to be able own personal misgivings. to put things into their proper context. Compared to other institutions our You can at times feel bogged down and What has been the most impor- election turnout is actually quite good. feel like the job has consumed you but tant thing you have achieved so There is always room for improvement when this happens you need to be able far? but it is the elections candidates who to try and focus on the successes. drive up turnout so in order for turn- Securing the funding for the Union out to increase we need a lot of people How was being a Sabbatical dif- Building redevelopment was a mas- running for positions and doing some ferent to what you expected? sive step forward. We have use of a good old-fashioned campaigning. great building over in Beit Quad and it Not radically different. I was involved is good that the College has acknowl- If you are not leaving Imperial with the Union and Felix before I stood edged that if the student body is to get at the end of this year, will you for this position so I did have a good the full benefit from it then it needs be involved with the Union next What aspect of your work have idea about modernisation. year? you enjoyed most this year? how the place operates. If there was Not applicable – I am out of here! I have really enjoyed meeting and However, one thing you working with such a diverse range of I did under- could change Do you honestly think Sabbaticals people. It was a bit bizarre being elect- estimate how instantly make a difference at all? ed to work along side other sabbaticals much my first about how the that I didn’t really know that well but it few months in Union is run, Yes I do. Decisions taken by the man- has been good fun. office would be what would it agement of College affect us all and in I’ve also enjoyed meeting a lot more dictated by issues be? my view the most important role that of the student body than I did as an that were rolling sabbatical officers play is giving stu- undergrad. One of the most reward- over from my pred- Personally I would like to see dent input whilst decisions are being ing parts of this job is seeing the sheer ecessor’s time. This the profile of our student wel- taken. If there were no sabbatical offic- number of students currently engaging wasn’t necessarily a fare and our capacity for academic ers then students would find it consid- in Union activity and I think it is fan- bad thing but it did take representation given a bit more promi- erably more difficult if they had a prob- tastic that this is still the case given the me aback slightly. nence. I know these issues are a lot lem with their course, accommodation high workload that students at Impe- duller than clubs, societies and social or even the food in the JCR if they had rial have. How would you like students to events but they are the Union’s reason to do the work from scratch. remember your term? for being and in my view it is impor- What aspect of your work have tant that this ethos is not lost. Being a Do you feel an urge to get into you enjoyed least this year? I don’t – that would be terribly Students’ Union makes us sound a lot mainstream politics? narcissistic. more authoritative than if we were a All of the sabbatical officers came in Students’ Social Club and I would like Not at all. I want to get a proper job to post with a great deal of enthusiasm Do you think you’ve achieved to take this when I leave the College in a few and a lot of really good ideas. What has your aims this year? If so, what months. Personally I think that a law been frustrating is that you realise that were they? How do you see the Union devel- should be passed putting a lower age the implementation of something new oping over the next few years? limit on our politicians. That would does not happen overnight and that it I do keep reading my manifesto on a then save us the ridiculous spectacle of takes a lot of time and effort to see any- monthly basis but it is very difficult to The Union is currently going through sabbaticals leaving the Students’ Union thing substantial come to fruition. find the time to focus on the things I a process of significant internal change bubble and thinking that their opinions

STEPHEN BROWN UNION PRESIDENT still have left to do. My manifesto con- which is not immediately obvious to on war, peace and the health service Which qualities would you say sisted of a lot of little things, a lot of the student body. We have got very are of any remote use to society. Friday 1 February 2008 felix 5

Clubs and Societies; often you will the DPFS and the Clubs and Societies with low turnout in the Union? want to rip your hair out. Also, a sense are closer than they have been in the Not at all, our turnouts are above the of humour is very important; you can’t past. national average even though our stu- be too serious. dents are typically very apathetic. How- If there was one thing you could ever it would be good to see a larger How was being a Sabbatical dif- change instantly about how the mandate for Council officers who have ferent to what you expected? Union is run, what would it be? relatively important roles.

I was entering into it with an open Get rid of Guilds. Only kidding, the If you are not leaving Imperial mind, and did not have real expec- Faculty Unions serve an important at the end of this year, will you tations. Perhaps I didn’t realise how purpose. Probably give the DPFS the be involved with the Union next much work there would be to do, ability to fire people out of a large year? which means it is difficult to make the cannon. That would be fun, and I bet changes you want to see. people would stick to the Financial I will be heading back to finish my Regulations. final year of my M.Sci Geology, and I How would you like students to won’t be getting involved in the Un- remember your term? How do you see the Union devel- ion as I think I’ve neglected my degree What aspect of your work have oping over the next few years? enough over for the first three years. you enjoyed most this year? This is a difficult one; If I were to become involved with the obviously I’d like Part of the Union’s mission state- Union, I think I’d only make life diffi- I get to meet a huge number of stu- see Clubs and ment is to the advance the cult for the new Sabbs; they wouldn’t dents and work with some great peo- Societies much education of our members, want me there sticking my oar in. ple who are a lot of fun. Also, it’s great better off at the and is being achieved to be part of large events such as the end of my year through our Clubs Do you honestly think Sabbaticals Union’s Freshers’ Week and seeing eve- as they are the and Societies. I would make a difference at all? ryone having a great time. Union’s greatest as- like to see a reduction set. Also, I think every- in bureaucracy which Yes. It is important to make sure that What aspect of your work have one would be happy with would more time for any organisation continues to adapt you enjoyed least this year? a profitable and amazing personal development and evolve and each year the Sabbati- Summer Ball. and club officers come cals bring new ideas, direction and the Juggling tasks and time management. away with better skills. motivation to make changes happen. In my role there are a huge number Do you think you’ve The commercial serv- However, they wouldn’t get much done of different things to get done. It’s not achieved your aims ices of the Union are go- without the staff and volunteers. helped by people who will come to you this year? If so, what ing from strength to strength and expect something to be done in an were they? and we’ve seen the Ents program Do you feel an urge to get into instant, but in those situations you just invigorated with a regular Radio 1 DJ mainstream politics? need to be able to keep your head. Yes and no. I’ve spent so much time session twice a term which is going A difficult aspect to deal with is that having to focus on the day-to-day jobs to get bigger. I’d love to see successful Even before I stood for election I knew there are some people out there who that I have not really had a chance to events running on a Saturday night; we I didn’t have an interest in politics, and will go out of their way to make life dif- move forward with the tasks I’d like to really should be competing with other I still don’t. It’s not for me; I’m happy ficult for you. It’s (usually) nothing per- get done. London SUs. with my rocks and colouring-in maps. sonal, you’re in a position of responsi- Oh, and we should have a fleet of bility; an easy target. What has been the most impor- inflatable minibuses so when a club How much money have you tant thing you have achieved so crashes/rolls the minibus, only the oc- embezzled? Which qualities would you say far? cupants are damaged and not the love- are needed to carry out your job? ly paint jobs. Lols. What? Me? Don’t know what you’re CHRIS LARVIN DEPUTY PRESIDENT (FINANCE & SERVICES) I don’t think I could pin down one talking about. Don’t even know what Tolerance is useful when dealing with thing, though I think relations between Do you think there is a problem emfrazzle means.

things! You need to be able to stand What has been the most impor- Country in other Unions and in Gen- your ground and forget about it if you tant thing you have achieved so eral Elections too. Apathy is very much think you will be shy in meetings or in- far? in vogue right now. I think, with some front of people getting paid a lot more strong candidates, the elections will get than you. Of course you also have to be We have been awarded Fairtrade a lot more exciting and increase turn- ready to listen and proactively encour- University Status. This was quite big out. Myself and the rest of the team are age people to come to you with prob- on my agenda when running for sab- actively encouraging anyone to stand lems. Negotiation skills are essential! batical. Also discounts for students in and get more involved in the Union. Southside who were affected by build- How was being a Sabbatical dif- ing works and portacabins outside If you are not leaving Imperial ferent to what you expected? their windows was a big achievement. at the end of this year, will you There are still a lot more battles to be be involved with the Union next The attitude of College Staff is very won though. year? different from what you would expect. They are usually really pleased if you If there was one thing you could I hope so. I’m involved in the union spend a bit of effort finding out what change instantly about how the because I enjoy it and because I think What aspect of your work have people think or presenting a strong Union is run, what would it be? I have something to offer. I wouldn’t you enjoyed most this year? opinion coherently. Despite people want to step on anyone’s toes so any constantly complaining about College No comment. I feel this may breach position I take will be in consultation I’ve really enjoyed ranting at the right they don’t often get to hear about it so some sort of protocol. with my successor. I imagine I might people. We all know the feeling when are pleased when someone is honest. take a more active grass roots role or you spend a few hours complaining How do you see the may drop back down to Faculty Union to anyone who will listen about un- How would you like Union developing over level. I’ll try to be neutral as much as fair regulations or inadequate facilities students to remem- the next few years? possible. (probably over a pint in the Union bar). ber your term? It’s a calming feeling but lacks the sat- This could be any- Do you honestly think Sabbaticals isfaction of knowing you’ll influence Like a goldfish after a one’s guess. With make a difference at all? someone with the power to change it. night on the tiles. sabbatical turnover DPEW allows you to do both! being so frequent (in Not as much as you might think. Or Do you think you’ve terms of other posts certainly not within the Union. Any What aspect of your work have achieved your aims in the College) it is grand plans to dig up the quad and in- you enjoyed least this year? this year? If so, great to see the stall a Fish Pond will just be put by the what were they? Union constantly wayside. There is simply not enough High expectations from others on what changing. Ob- time to change the world because you you can achieve by ranting at the right I started viously the re- are deeply involved in the day to day people. Taking on board what some- out with development tasks that the world would fall apart one tells you and saying you will try to the first set will see a lot of without. So yes and no really. sort it out can give them a real sense of training physical chang- of hope. However, it is difficult to en- for aca- es in the building Do you feel an urge to get into act real change quickly or noticeably demic and and will improve mainstream politics? which can be quite depressing. You welfare reps our space. I hope to have to have a lot of stamina to keep on and have been see academic rep- A bit. But given that I feel an urge to top of the issues. drafting a Guide for representatives resentation getting a get into law, teaching, climate research, throughout the year. A lot of things boost in the next few years too! management in the charity sector, vol- Which qualities would you say that you include in your manifesto are unteer/foreign aid work, renewable are needed to carry out your job? working projects throughout the year Do you think there is a problem energy and planetary Geoscience I and hopefully people will begin to feel with low turnout in the Union? wouldn’t put that down to a Sabbatical KIRSTY PATTERSON DEPUTY PRESIDENT & WELFARE) (EDUCATION Argumentative, opinionated, self- the benefit of them next year. So far I year. It’s part of me keeping my options righteous. Not necessarily all good think I’m on track. Yes but this is reflected across the open or being indecisive. 6 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Which qualities would you say At the start of my year club of- are needed to carry out your job? ficers had many complaints about the finance sys- Willing to give up all your time, need tem for clubs, by the to lead and project manage yourself, end I hope to have be a fountain of knowledge, and work solved all those hard on extra projects you need to go complaints. and find yourself. If there was How was being a Sabbatical dif- one thing ferent to what you expected? you could change The amount of varied occurrences that instantly I have to deal with. about how the Union How would you like students to is run, what remember your term? would it be? What aspect of your work have you enjoyed most this year? Helpful, making club officers lives Try and make it easier. less imposing to How varied everyday is. Being able to students who re- solve people’s problems. Do you think you’ve achieved quire its services. your aims this year? If so, what What aspect of your work have were they? How do you see the you enjoyed least this year? Union developing over Yes, the starting of a more up-to-date the next few years? N/A finance system and sorting out the space in Beit before phase II. Getting more efficient in looking after clubs, welfare and the trading aspects. Leaving, graduated. What has been the most important thing you Do you think there is a problem Do you honestly think Sabbaticals have achieved with low turnout in the Union? make a difference at all? so far? Yes, students do not see how electing Yes, if they remember they are there for someone will help them. the student aims and not their own.

If you are not leaving Imperial Do you feel an urge to get into at the end of this year, will you mainstream politics? ALISTAIR COTT ALISTAIR DEPUTY PRESIDENT & SOCIETIES) (CLUBS be involved with the Union next year? No

I’ve turned the finances from a roughly without it, campus would definitely be them and want at least three babies £4k debt to a projected profit of £5k a drearier place. with each of them. and counting. This is despite budget- ing for three issues of I,Science and Were there any distinct low or What is the most tedious part of two issues of Phoenix, as well as the high points as Editor? being Editor? weekly Felices. In case anyone anyone was counting, every single issue of Fe- “Distinct low point” is a bit dramatic, I highlighted a few issues before, but lix this year has been longer than 36 but the Wednesday all-nighters are one that really grinds my gears is the pages – the largest page count we’ve a real drain. I knew what I was get- constant games the Felix network en- achieved in the previous two years. I’m ting myself into but it doesn’t stop the joys playing with me. Just hours ago also pretty pleased with the number bleeding sensation in my eyes every before I scribed these words the entire of contributors we have onboard now Thursday afternoon after a 30+ hour issue almost got deleted by my Science too; Freshers’ Fair was really successful shift. editor because of a network quirk. That in October and Felix should stand in Invoicing and dealing with the fi- was a seriously uncool moment. good stead for the years to come with nances is an annoyance almost on a the crop of young talented writers we par with pushing the rick- If you are not leaving Imperial at have. My head isn’t going to fit out of ety, smelly Union trolley the end of this year, will you be the office door now is it? around on Fridays to involved with Felix next year? deliver the newspaper. How was being a Sabbatical dif- If there was one thing you could However, the latter is I’ve grown rather attached to Felix over ferent to what you expected? change instantly about Felix, also one of the high the years so I’ll definitely be returning what would it be? points of being editor. next year. I’ve spent most of the last The main thing I was unaware of be- The warm feeling year and a half designing and editing fore beginning the job was quite how I would call it “Tomo” and re- that occurs in my the newspaper rather than writing as much involvement I would have with place the cat logo with a pic- tummy when much as I’d like to, so next year I’m the financing of Felix. I anticipated that ture of myself. No, I jest. someone yelps planning to write more. it would take care of itself but in real- I would call it Live! and “Friday! Felix! ity invoice issuing and chasing takes write credible journal- Woohoo!” Do you see a career in journalism up a considerable amount of time. In ism. Ha. Er, ok, I’d and snatches ahead of you? fact, probably the most significant dif- love to change the a copy of the ference is the amount of time I don’t backend of the web- latest issue is Yeah, I would like to go into journal- have. I believed my manifesto was real- site so that uploading very, er, heart- ism. I haven’t pinned down which area istic when I wrote it this time last year articles didn’t take warming. Or some- yet but I’m thinking along the lines of but maintaining the website along with forever, that way thing equally profound. science, technology or games journal- everything else whilst retaining my we could finally ism. Anything to save myself from be- sanity (or what’s left of it) has turned get round to go- What is the best ing sucked into the corporate banking out to be too tall an order. ing through the old part of being conduit which claims so many of Im- issues of Felix and Editor? perial’s best and brightest. Do you think you’ve achieved build up an archive everyone your aims with Felix this year? If can look through. The hookers and blow, Are you Angry Geek? so, what were they? definitely. The back How do you feel Felix makes a room is literally caked in At this moment in time, whilst I write Yes. I aimed to strike a balance be- difference at Imperial? white dust waiting for me to literally this at 2:26am, I might be. If you ask tween the styles adopted by the two nosedive into once I finish this inter- me tomorrow, I might not be. It de- previous editors whilst improving the Felix informs, entertains, provides a view. Literally. pends on which day of the week you newspaper on the whole and I believe mouthpiece for students at Imperial Right: one of the best parts is seeing ask me this question, which way the I’ve achieved that. I wanted to bring and holds people in positions of re- each glorious issue in print on a Friday wind is blowing, which way the world back some of the more light-hearted sponsibility to account. If students or morning. Each issue is a challenge in is spinning and which way the water in content from Rupert Neate’s term two staff feel they’ve been treated unfairly itself: finding news, investigating sto- your toilet bowl is draining. years ago and to combine it with the of if they want to make their point ries, following leads, all in time for the less sensational and more professional known we can be their voice. Felix en- Thursday deadline. Can you tell us who is Angry news style of Andy Sykes’ newspaper. courages debate and democracy, and The other main reward is working Geek? I hope students think the review sec- with your friends everyday. The Felix What has been the most impor- tions are a bloody good read too. Most staff are eager, likeminded people and Never. If I divulge this information, TOM ROBERTS TOM FELIX EDITOR tant thing you have achieved so importantly though, I think Felix brings it’s my job to give them an opportu- the Angry Geek will kill me/I will kill far? a sense of community to the College; nity to flex their literary muscles. I love myself. Nominations open now!

Monday 11 February – Nominations Close

Being a Sabb can make a diff erence; stand for election.

imperialcollegeunion.org/vote 8 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Comment, Opinion Let us know your views: [email protected] Letters may be edited for length and grammar purposes & Letters Views on these pages are not representative of Felix Response to the funding debate More readers give their views on the Higher Education funding debate whilst the Union responds to last week’s articles. You can still give your opinion on the debate: www.imperialcollegeunion.org/hesurvey

Free for whom? HE funding survey: a case Union consultation of students as to whether of the blind a university education should be free was hardly leading the Agoing to produce interest- ing results. The exercise seems to me blind? to be akin to asking turkeys whether Robert Gallen Christmas is a great idea. Irrespec- I have just completed the Higher tive of the economic and social argu- Education Funding Survey and ments, I would much prefer someone hopefully let the Union know my else to pay for my education. And a position on the subject. How- house would be nice. Also, a Mercedes, ever, I imagine that based on the please. Thanks. answers that I gave, my position The problem, as I see it, is that the Generic Student: “I’ll have a Mercedes to go with my free education!” will certainly be contradictory and question hasn’t been well posed. Peo- confused. ple have been asking whether a uni- Many of the issues addressed in versity education should be free, but it would benefit from other people hav- called “media studies”-type degrees, as the survey I, and no doubt many has to be paid for somehow. Lecturers ing a university education, building up the market would decide their worth. other Imperial students, have not and tutors will not work for free, and the economy, supporting more jobs It would also have the advantage of not given much consideration before. the equipment needed for a science and spending more. But they’d benefit charging people for something they Nor could we possibly claim to be university is certainly expensive. The more directly from lower taxes. weren’t benefiting from. educated on the topic. question is, should the British taxpayer On the other hand, a system with in- Of course, it comes hand in hand I am extremely interested to see pay for us to have a university educa- dividual payment and individual pric- with the risk of excluding low-income the results of the survey and how tion? Free university education would ing for courses would result in better families. But our current system does the Union interprets them, how- be fantastic for university students, but funding, and even better funding for that, by driving people into debt (albeit ever I feel if there was one mes- would it be good for the millions on universities that command a reputation at inflation rates), while having the side sage that most Imperial students low wages who would be paying for it? (c.f. the U.S., where prices range from effect of transferring money from the would like to send to the Union, There are good arguments for wide- $8k to $35k p.a.). It would encourage state to middle-class tossers such as it’s that “we don’t want to pay”. As spread university education, just as people to actually trade off the value of myself. A better system would be to re- uneducated or misinformed we there are good arguments for univer- their education against their expected quire individual payment with means- are on the matter, it still falls to us sal health care. A high level of educa- benefits. I hope it would encourage tested grants for those who need it. A to pay off the mountain of debt we tion would improve our economy and more flexible studies; for example, do- system exploiting market forces with are to be burdened with when we it would also increase social mobility, ing a one-year course on server main- state intervention to cushion the blow leave university. something it is impossible to object tenance and operating systems, rather and ensure social mobility would be to. But it separates the benefit from than a three-year computing course. It fair for wealthy and poor students. It’s Kadhim Shubber the payment. Of course dustbin men would also shut the media up about so even fair to the dustmen. Why a referendum is inappropriate

understand the concerns ex- tion of the Labour and Conservative teaching funding would act as a selec- way to determine whether or not we pressed in last weeks issue about parties who are the only ones that will tion process in itself and would de- should affiliate to the National Union our survey not being as binding realistically form the next government termine exactly how much students, of Students (NUS) as it was a clear cut as a campus wide referendum on and even the dear old Liberal Demo- employers and society value different issue. For your information, the NUS I this topic. I would like to reas- crats are allegedly contemplating mov- types of degree courses. Imperial’s de- currently don’t believe that Impe- sure readers that the raw data we have ing away from their current position grees are very expensive to teach com- rial College should have the freedom collected will be made available in full of opposing all methods of graduate pared to the costs of teaching the same to set their own bursary packages for should anyone wish to scrutinise it. At contribution. The socialist Labour subject elsewhere but this is not cur- less well off over and above the gov- this point I imagine it would become Party has made it perfectly clear that rently reflected in the way the govern- ernment minimums and that our stu- obvious if the Deputy President (Edu- they would not increase taxes to fill ment allocates teaching money. dents should be forced to pay in to a Steve Brown cation and Welfare) and I were being a the funding gap and if you believe this From the thousands of words gener- National Bursary Scheme that would Union President bit “creative” in our interpretations of should happen (in my view I don’t re- ated on this topic this year in my view see the contributions we make spent the data and if Ms. Clark still doesn’t ally want to start work next year and be it is obvious that this is far too compli- at other universities. This is another trust us then there are lots of wonder- taxed through the nose) then you will cated to be settled by a referendum and topic in itself so I will finish by urging ful democratic mechanisms in place to need to take considerably more drastic it would be detrimental to our Union you to get online, take the survey and prevent us doing so. I seem to recall action than ticking a few boxes on an to formulate such an important policy give yourself a chance of winning one dealing with the question of putting online form. in this way. A referendum was a good of the prizes on offer! this to a referendum last term so to il- Equally ridiculous is the concept lustrate why the topic of how our uni- that any government will turn round versities are funded please consider the and say “actually, we are going to shut consequences of a campus wide “yes” down several underperforming institu- Complete the HE survey, win prizes! vote in favour of free education. Un- tions and give all their funding to Im- der our electoral rules questions put to perial College.” The diverse nature of Fill out the survey at www.imperialcollegeunion.org/vote and if there referenda must be clear cut and have a the higher education sector does mean are enough responses, you could win from the following: “yes” or “no” answer which I hope peo- that some sections of it will be of more ple will agree is an inappropriate and use than others but this problem will 0 responses = Return ticket to Paris on Eurostar overly simplistic mechanism for a topic not be solved overnight by the imple- 150 responses = West End theatre and dinner voucher for two which touches on so many different ar- mentation of a reactionary policy such 300 responses = Thorpe Park tickets for two eas of our student experience. as this which in a lot of cases would see 500 responses = Crystal Experience gift voucher for one First of all, “free education” is not society throwing the baby out with the 750 responses = 3 x £20 HMV vouchers even on the agenda in the run up to bathwater. In time, the introduction 1000 responses = 5 x £10 ODEON Cinema vouchers the 2009 review. This is not the posi- of the correct market mechanisms for Friday 1 February 2008 felix 9 [email protected] Comment Why is free education unrealistic?

his week, Angry Geek It’s not that I don’t think that free was the Spice Girls comeback. there are other causes and, more im- comes to you in a slightly education is “unrealistic”. Of course I I also disagree with the way in which portantly, other solutions. Maybe we different form. Due to a do. I think many things are unrealis- the free education argument is being should reconsider whether it was such sequence of events that I tic; for example, a contestant on Deal dressed up as completely unreason- a good idea to lure as many students T can only describe as “not or No Deal that doesn’t feel the urge to able. As students our initial bargaining as we could to university in the first hilarious”, I have injured my right arm gamble at every opportunity she has, position should be exactly that – why place? Maybe we should ask ourselves A. Geek and as a result am using one of these a Green policy that has actually been should we want free education? We if postmodern art on the walkway quite dubious speech-to-text pieces thought through past the point where may feel that we have a debt to pay to walls and ridiculously-branded “cente- of software. Nevertheless, despite we tear down nuclear reactors, or a society, or that we in some way owe nary coffee” are a better way of spend- the fact that I’m having to speak this politician that thinks that “Labour” someone something for what we have ing the University’s money than, say, week’s rant into a microphone, thereby and “Conservative” are not the only gained. something that actually benefited the irritating the unfortunate sod living two ways of assessing a problem. However, I admit that considering students. next to me, I’m going to do my best to Similarly, I believe in many “realistic” the Union, or indeed the NUS, as an The point is that we can split hairs all I might be a maintain the usual level of hatred and things are completely not-allowable. evil, manipulative, or malicious body is day, and poke holes here and there like bile that I’ve kept up quite well so far. For instance – and I do promise you somewhat over the top. The truth is a production line worker at a condom cynical bastard This should be quite an easy task this that I genuinely believe this – I do be- that of course we owe someone some- factory. All that matters, at the end of week, though, given that this week is lieve a government should be able to thing. But just as it is reasonable for the the day, is what the majority believes. and the Union the week that the Union staff chose to hold a terrorist suspect for as long as public to suspect students of stealing And so all I can say is this – I bloody “ bring out the ridiculous debate that I they like. However, the idea of allowing four years of free grants and bursaries, well hope that you filled in the Higher President might commented on last term. any real government to do such a thing it is also reasonable for us to assume Education survey. Because I might be a Yes, it’s that old chestnut: Should is verging on madness. that universities or the government cynical bastard with nonsensical opin- be an over- we be getting our education for free So maybe “realism” doesn’t matter may exploit us if they are allowed to ions, the Union President might be an or not? Should we instead pay for the when it comes to actually fighting for charge us what they wish. over-politicised loon, the NUS might politicised loon privilege of being treated like children something. If free education is unre- Perhaps that makes my position on be so far up their own arse that they’re over a further four years and then alistic, then why is it unrealistic? Do the free education debate – that the beginning to resemble one of Esher’s but all that really dumped into an industry that no doubt we want it to be unrealistic? It seems system that we currently have performs impossible shapes; none of that actu- doesn’t want us due to impending re- to me that the whole point of politi- well enough – slightly untenable, if you ally matters. All that matters is that you matters is that cession that comes thanks at least in cal debate is not that we decide what frame it in the context of me just op- voice your opinion, and a majority get part, ironically, to the fact that the gen- is possible and not possible now, but posing it for opposition’s sake. Maybe I represented at the conference. erations before us had their education that we decide how we want society just don’t understand why change is al- Whichever side of the debate wins your opinion is paid for. to be in the future. I’m not saying our ways the first thing we look for. If uni- out, at least this time the student body I should probably point out before Union President is wrong to call free versities are low on money, not receiv- can show itself to be vaguely involved. heard we go any further that there is a slight education unrealistic, but I do think is ing enough funding for the number of I know that may sound a little unreal- bias in this week’s column. You may wrong to disregard the idea solely on students studying, or the government istic, but I’m sure you configured me to find the sensation familiar. that basis. Of course it’s unrealistic. So feels we aren’t paying enough, maybe believing in it anyway. ” Airports and queues

f all the witty com- I’ve probably spent more time at air- Class lounge at Heathrow is that the ments I’ve stolen over ports than I have on airplanes. Most seats are probably less excruciatingly the years and passed of it waiting around in queues. Now, uncomfortable. Still, as I say, my out- off as my own, one of some people dislike queues. Others look has changed. Over time, I think O my favourite has to be get impatient at them. There also ex- I’ve mellowed. the one about national pastimes. After ists a rare breed whose hatred for them My consolation is that I haven’t yet laughing at the Labour Party, queuing extends to a simple refusal to acknowl- turned into the blissfully apathetic seems to come a close second to laugh- edge their existence. One of the more drone that seems to fill queues in this ing at the Conservative party as the obvious traits that I inherited from my country from shopping centres to bus Gilead Amit English national sport. The French, on father is this last quality; an indescrib- stops. The reason I don’t mind queuing the other hand, seem to prefer whiling able gut-wrenching loathing for wait- so much anymore has nothing to do away the lazy summer days by going ing in line. with the English blood politely cours- on strike. Granted, the two activities This was one of the many reasons ing through a quarter of my circulation do tend to go hand in hand; especially I had trouble understanding the dis- system. The simple truth is that wait- at airports, where one can get as much tinction between hell and purgatory. I ing in line gives me a chance to observe experience of both as one could possi- mean to say, what could be worse than people in all their glorious insanity. bly want. an eternal waiting room full of inter- Let’s face it: one queue is pretty I’ve done a fair bit of travelling, and national passengers wondering about much like another. With the exception have spent more than my share of time their final destinations? The only dif- of where you are, who or what you’re at airports around the world. In fact, ference between that and the Business waiting for, and what the temperature is, all the other annoyance factors remain pretty much constant. For a queue to really rank as a queue, for in- Some stance, rather than just a line, the pres- ence of a large, balding businessman in Luton Airport: If we call it a line people dislike a buttoned-up shirt open at the neck instead of a queue, that reduces and far too much jewellery is required. the wait in queue time, right? queues. Others In most cases he will be American; in “ more exotic climes he may well be Ital- ian or Greek. Whichever racist stere- Another of the archetypical queue- get impatient otype you care to indulge in, however, mates is the single mother. Tired and he and his brothers will always behave hassled, in airport scenarios she is in- at them. There in exactly the same way. Mobile phone evitably accompanied by a small child in one hand, remnants of a gelling hair- who is either golden-haired and hyper- also exists a rare line being gently smoothed by the oth- active or hugely depressed and eager er, he will make it very clear to anyone to share his emotions with the world. breed whose within bellowing distance that he can In either case, the little angel will prob- pass a basic profanity test in a handful ably spend most of the waiting time hatred for them of languages. cleaning the floor with various parts of Dr. Murphy, whose laws apply so well their anatomy ill-suited to the task. extends to a to these particular situations, accurate- And then, of course, there’s me. Con- ly predicted that should you have one descendingly looking around me as simple refusal such man on your right, you will have I mentally prepare my next column; another oilier and more impatient man discreetly wiping the spittle off my face to acknowledge on your left. Inevitably, each will notice emanating from the large man on my the presence of the other, and unless right and smiling vaguely at the hyster- their existence you particularly want a spittle shower ical cherub running circles around my and a front seat at a sumo event, it is a shoes with his head. God, I love peo- ” Heathrow Airport: No holiday album is complete without one of these wise move to silently melt away. ple; we’re so inherently comical. 10 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Comment [email protected] Anyone but Huckabee

ompared with the crown- That is why the thing America des- then what we do now’ she would not very same stance that got George Bush ing of His Majesty Gor- perately needs most is a Democratic have given her support. Obama and re-elected. Combating ‘evil’ and ‘ter- don Brown last year, the President. Someone who will not off- Clinton also want to integrate the mil- rorism’ are common themes and, as we US presidential race has hand greenhouse gas emission as a lions of illegal immigrant workers in all know, it is dead easy to spot those C enthralled the media on ‘problem for technology’. Someone America with the communities they with evil intent amongst the hundreds both sides of the pond. News organisa- who will work with, not against, the live in and have devoted livelihoods who take religion a bit too far and the tions all over the world pick apart each UN. Someone who will not let faith get to, instead of further alienation. Both millions who diligently observe their intricacy, skirmish, and outright war in the way of reason (“God told me to have the potential to bring atheists and faith peacefully instead of lumping primarily because of the major cross- invade Iraq ...”). Someone who repre- Christians, liberals and conservatives, them all into one picnic. Scorpio roads before America today. Not only sents what America was founded on and business and environmentalists A terrible state for America to be in are the candidates so different in their and in its heart stands for: Unity. Tol- together who for too long have bitterly is to have a female or black candidate ideals, but major issues are coming to erance. Secularism. Freedom. divided the country. lose the general election due to gender a head. Global warming, terrorism, Fortunately, the voters of the land of Facing them stands the Republicans. or racial prejudice. A Democrat loss creationism, gun violence, the Middle the free have a choice. Both Democrat- Cue the Imperial March. Although, to due to their inter-faction policy dif- East, and the state of the world’s largest ic candidates would be the major im- be fair, even the die-hard conserva- ferences is regrettable. However, the economy have all reared their contro- age change for the US it so badly wants. tives in the party acknowledge that worst possible scenario is to vote in the versial and sometimes ugly faces dur- Barack Obama, the first black presi- change is due. Both Mitt Romney and staunchest right-wing Republican can- ing Bush’s tenancy and require decisive dent. Hillary Clinton, the first female John McCain have been accused of didate. The candidate with medieval action from a new President. president. Both represent the diversity ‘left-leaning’ in policy areas on social views on homosexuality. The candi- George Bush will leave with the in- of America and its opportunities to security and immigration. Disappoint- date who most threatens the separa- ternational relations of America be- all, embodying the age-old American ingly, however, only John McCain has tion of Church and State in America yond a joke in many countries. The Dream. Both talk about stewardship stated that environmental care is one that has protected citizens of all be- ‘Star Wars’ missile system has antago- of the environment and taking active of his priorities, with no mentioning liefs. The natural heir to George Bush, nized Russia; France and Germany fell measures against carbon emissions. of capping greenhouse gas emissions. with his foreign policy, but one step foul of his foreign policy machinations; Both want to improve relations with The remaining candidates talk only further. The creationist candidate who Guantanamo Bay and allegations of Europe and China. Both want to start of ‘energy security’, i.e. ‘less dealings will be in command of the education of torture have stained the image of the withdrawing troops from Iraq. Obama, with Russia and Saudi Arabia so we a nation holding on dearly to the Dover US across the world and that’s without especially, has a strong record of peace, don’t have to play so nice with them’. school ruling. mentioning his cosy stances on Iraq, or voting against the Iraq invasion, whilst All mention homeland defence as the Please, America, I beg of you. Do not Iran, or Cuba, or Palestine, or ... Clinton states that ‘had she known main thrust to their campaigns: the let Mike Huckabee become President. My invisible friend

eople sometimes claim that news. He’s managed to get a second head in to my lectures. going a whole day without eating. One they have imaginary or in- job cleaning part time and has finally Some people are born the sons and thing people I know hear me say quite visible friends. I do in fact gotten a place to stay. Given his cur- daughters of monarchs. Others are often is – it could always be worse. have an invisible friend. But rent circumstances (which have re- raised orphans. I don’t think it really I’m not trying to guilt-trip you into P I see him almost every time mained unchanged for five years), one matters. It’s a simple fact of life that donating to the homeless. In fact, one I walk into college. It’s not that he’s any wouldn’t have thought that he was once some are luckier than others. What I of the things that really piss me off is good at hiding or is able to blend into a teacher: English and History, neither do think matters though, is that you the smug fuckers who give up insig- the crowd – quite the contrary. But to of which were my strong subjects. He appreciate what you have. People bitch nificant amounts for the sole reason the crowds passing every day he might says that he has never claimed social about the smallest things. Some go of inflating their own egos, then walk as well be invisible. benefit, and I believe him. I’ve never through their entire lives without real- away with a smug smile. Take your pa- James Wang The first time we both sat and sipped seen him force his sales on anyone izing how good they have it. Next time ternalistic sympathy and misguided al- our cups of tea, I found out that my passing by either. Pride, he tells me. It’s your two hundred pound coat with the truism and shove it. Stop being a slave invisible friend is already in at work what he has left. Unfortunately, as he’s designer logo doesn’t quite manage to to society, trends, and the media. Enjoy before I wake up most days. Recently getting on in his age, he says he cannot keep the chills out, imagine sleeping on what you enjoy instead of what they tell he tells me that January business is go- keep doing his current job. My invis- the ice cold pavement an entire night you to enjoy. If you still haven’t figured ing slowly because of people having ible friend isn’t bitter or angry over his with just that coat to keep you warm. out whom my invisible friend is then spent all their money over Christmas. situation. Instead, he thanks me heart- Next time the sandwich shop runs out it’s just another day for you and me in He does share some pieces of good ily for the cup of tea before I have to of your favourite kind of wrap, imagine paradise. The only Fair Trade is free trade

here are some things in extra do you pay for the privilege of the long run. Subsidising leads to price That’s right: our farming industry is so this world that are down- your cup of Fair Trade coffee, say? distortions, and price distortions will bad that we need to give it money to right wrong. Global pov- 20p? Probably more. And I suppose lead to robbing money out of some- keep going. Third World farmers are erty is amongst the chief you would expect this to end up in the one else’s pocket – let’s say, for exam- willing to work for less, they pay less T concerns in this respect. pockets of the farmers. It doesn’t. The ple, other Third World farmers not for land, and produce similar or bet- If the developing world were richer, vast majority of this premium is safely on the Fair Trade scheme, whose pro- ter quality crop. Yet our own govern- then they’d be able to solve their own tucked away by the outlet you bought duce doesn’t sell for as much because ment pays farmers to farm things that problems, to prevent disease, civil wars it from. They know you’ll pay more demand is being diverted elsewhere. the Third World could be just as good, and malnourishment, have productive, for it, so they charge as much extra as Perhaps they are just bad farmers that probably better at. The EU spends 45% happy lives, and contribute to every- you’re willing to pay. Your average cof- don’t deserve to be on the scheme. (!) of its entire budget on the archaic Matt the Hat one’s well-being. Unfortunately, pov- fee farmer sees in the whereabouts of Maybe not. The free market tends to Common Agricultural Policy (CAP), erty is hardly an easy problem to solve. an extra penny or two per cup. This be a more responsive judge of who is a responsible for the infamous food Throwing money at the problem, for is still probably enough to give them good farmer, and what they should be mountains, encouraging oversupply example, is a pretty stupid way to do a decent raise in earnings. But that’s paid according to demand (c.f. econom- and the production of food nobody things. And this is my main problem not the point. Fair Trade might be giv- ics 101) than an arbitrarily designated wanted. We’re burning our tax money with Fair Trade. ing the farmers a fair deal, but it’s not committee, and can handle everyone and screwing ourselves as consumers The premise sounds simple enough, giving us, as consumers, a fair deal. It’s without vast swathes of bureaucracy. by effectively blocking competition. and it also sounds effective enough. both ripping us off for the product, and And farmers who rely on Fair Trade The competition is anyone who hap- Offer people a choice between giving pocketing the change we wanted to go will not be able to stick it out in the pens to not be wealthy enough to live impoverished farmers a better deal, to a good cause! real world. We need the economy to in the EU. Yet, with Fair Trade, appar- and pay for it, or the regular stuff There are larger, more fundamental tip back in their favour. Remember the ently the way to resolve the situation is they were getting before, which gives concerns I have though, and that’s the principle of how people prefer fishing to screw ourselves even more, and pay greedy multinationals fats wad of cash. incompatibility with the free market. rods to truckloads of fish? Or farming out money so that a small fraction ends In principle, it can only help, right? Poverty is an economic problem. There tools rather than handouts of corn? It’s up in their pockets. Impoverished farmers will end up with are huge underlying problems with the the same thing. It’s a noble gesture, but it can only be more in their pocket, no matter how global economy responsible for the One thing that can honestly help is a short term fix. The CAP is the real successful the scheme is. And we can poor wages of Third World farmers. closer to home than you think. Most enemy. It’s unfair, and a waste of mon- end up with a better conscience. Eve- Fair Trade will not cure this. Subsidis- Third World countries are not able to ey. Let the Third World farmers trade ryone’s happy. ing a farmer for the sole reason that compete properly in the western world freely and fairly with us, and we can all Unfortunately, not quite. How much they are poor will not help anyone in because we subsidise our own farmers. have a better standard of living. © 2008 Accenture. All rights reserved. Joining the a-list. Just another day at the office for a high performer.

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Science Science Editor – Ed Henley [email protected] Varying alpha and the speed of light Physics met anarchy at João Magueijo's inaugural lecture, with inconstant constants and laws aplenty

Brett Cherry some of the biggest problems in phys- ics, such as how to reconcile quantum The title, “Anarchy and Physical Laws” theory and gravity to get a theory of ,certainly pulled them in: Blackett Lec- quantum gravity. How does he plan ture Theatre was packed last week, to do it? With new theories that have as the crowds turned up to hear João a varying speed of light, a sacred con- Magueijo, Professor of Theoretical stant for most physicists. Having a var- Physics at Imperial College London ying speed of light doesn't necessarily and former Royal Society Research undermine the foundations of modern Fellow, give his inaugural lecture. physics as we know them today, but it Magueijo was talking about the ‘an- does have fascinating consequences archistic’ idea that physical laws or for how we understand fundamental constants could vary over time, and physical laws. spent much of the lecture discussing The Varying Speed of Light (VSL) the constant known as alpha. In phys- theory which Magueijo is working on ics, alpha (α) symbolises the fine-struc- has recently has gained a greater level ture constant, a name which arose as it of acceptance within the scientific originally referred to the structure of community than at its inception. It re- atomic spectra – the set of electromag- fers in fact to not one, but many similar netic frequencies emitted by atoms of a theories that claim the speed of light in particular element. a vacuum is not always constant, but However, alpha is much more than Magueijo doesn't discriminate – “I this: it’s also one of the primary physi- work on them all. I think it's too early cal constants that determines the na- to become attached to one, because we ture of the universe. Alpha is essen- really don't know. I mean all of them tially a 'pure' or dimensionless number, could be completely wrong.” While meaning it does not have units, but VSL, like inflation, has still yet to be rather is a ratio of the square of the confirmed experimentally, it does pro- electron charge e with the product of vide fascinating new cosmological the speed of light c and Planck's con- interpretations that simply cannot be stant ħ. Magueijo explained how alpha ignored. is analogous to the well-known con- VSL theory was conceived partially stant pi (π). Like alpha, pi itself does in reaction to the dominant cosmolog- No future for the 'punk-rocker' of physics? Hardly - Magueijo's got tenure now. But is he establishment then? not consist of units, but is also a ratio ical theory of cosmic inflation which of two different lengths: the circumfer- claims that the universe underwent a ence of a circle and its diameter. What phase of great expansion following the papers on VSL theory and varying al- just the way things work.” Einstein of Science is often depicted as an ab- Magueijo and other physicists have Big Bang. Today, astronomers cannot pha the response from the scientific course died while attempting to recon- solutely certain and formal process of discovered is that alpha might vary see any further than 15 billion light community was one of “bewilderment.” cile his theories of relativity with quan- obtaining knowledge that is rational over time. years – the cosmological horizon. But Many scientists simply did not know tum mechanics. He also left behind from the start. History books and the Experimental evidence mentioned by the question remains – how did the what to think – modifying the speed of some strange theoretical artifacts, in- media alike portray scientists as gradu- Magueijo comes from the University universe expand to its massive present light seemed like heresy if not lunacy. cluding lambda (Λ), the infamous cos- ally coming to truth by reading directly of New South Wales, where scientists extent? Inflation provides no direct When the media first caught wind of mological constant. Magueijo's VSL from the 'book of nature.' Magueijo observing light from distant quasars answer to this question other than as- how Magueijo's VSL theory violated theory actually lays to rest many prob- discourages any absolute theoretical passing through clouds of interstel- suming that when the big bang 'banged' Einstein's special theory of relativity, lematic issues surrounding the cosmo- interpretation of the physical universe, lar gas, reported a variation in alpha, the universe we live in today instantly they called him the 'punk rocker' of logical constant. “All these threatening but advocates an openness that has originating from billions of years ago. expanded from a singularity of infinite physics. Who would come up with aspects of the cosmological constant, allowed science to progress since the However, Magueijo doesn’t feel these density. VSL provides an alternative such a crazy idea? Well... for starters that have created all of these problems beginning. “We shouldn't be so seri- recent astronomical observations explanation of how the universe de- Einstein himself did back in 1911 by in cosmology, just disappear. It's not ous about it, as if we know what the in themselves will lead the scientific veloped after the Big Bang. According claiming gravity would slow down the so much as you get rid of it, it's just final answer is. We don't know what community to accept a varying alpha. to VSL theory, the speed of light was speed of light. Paul Dirac in 1937 found that you tame it.” According to VSL the final answer is. I have no problem “No one is ever going to believe those initially up to 60 times faster than it is that the force of gravity might also vary theory, the vacuum energy increases whatsoever in working on two contra- observations until they have a table today. This means over time and was inter- if the speed of light increases as well, dictory theories at the same time.” top experiment.” that infla- ested in developing a new but once the speed of light decreases, Absolute allegiance to any particular Further experimental tion is no theory of quantum gravity this vacuum energy drops drastically. theory sounds like something out of observations are need- longer from this observation. If these Once this takes place energy from the the Catholic Church, not science, yet is ed to determine if al- great scientific geniuses were vacuum then discharges into all mat- it too heretical to ask if the institution pha varies, rather interested in modifying physi- ter and radiation in the universe. This of science is taking itself too serious- than remaining cal constants underlying modern allows the universe to continue to ex- ly? In developing theories of VSL and constant. If it physics, why do scientists cringe at pand without the need for an 'all per- varying alpha, Magueijo is journeying is found that the thought to- day? The an- vasive nothing' or cosmological con- down a path of scientific exploration alpha does swer is not a stant in the equation. While this may that appears to be getting narrower indeed vary convenient seem subversive, it shows that in order and narrower: “That kind of beautiful that means one, for it has as for science to progress it may require a openness of 'anything going' is kind one of its much to bit of anarchy. of disappearing more and more.” Al- constants do with Anarchy – order without govern- though he considers it a “sociological (which in- sociology ment or law – is the last thing one misrepresentation,” Magueijo has been clude the as physics. would associate with science. Science breaking down the knowledge barriers speed of Magueijo as an institution seems anything but of theoretical physics, perhaps similar light) must does not anarchistic. However, science as a to the way Sex Pistols or other punk give way. A see VSL as process may be more 'anything goes' rock bands stretched the boundaries of “table-top” frightening or ‘anti- than what is conventionally under- music as an art form. experimen- establishment’ as television and news- stood. Magueijo was influenced by the As well as work on both VSL theory tal test of papers originally portrayed it to be – anarchist philosopher of science Paul and varying alpha at Imperial Mague- varying al- “This aura of throwing away Einstein K. Feyerabend, a former professor at ijo also remains focused on quantum pha might be was complete nonsense, but people University of London (and friend and gravity and using VSL to explain the possible using took it that way, the interest now is colleague of philosopher Sir Karl Pop- fluctuations in cosmic microwave using atomic need- a bit more genuine, more per) who was portrayed by academia background radiation left from the clocks – if alpha ed be- scientific than what it and the media alike as the 'arch-enemy Big Bang. “We're trying to use vary- does vary over time cause, if the used to be.” of science.' Yet Feyerabend may have ing speed of light theories to generate small changes could speed of light Like many brilliant actually been a pioneer in developing the fluctuations in the universe, that's potentially be detected at the beginning scientists, Magueijo is con- a radical understanding of scientific something we never did before. I also over year-long experimental was much faster, it would tinuing where Einstein left off. method itself. “There is a certain ele- think there is a role for varying speed time periods. bring all regions of the universe to- Ironically, that includes contradicting ment of anarchy in the scientific proc- of light theories of quantum gravity.” Since his inaugural lecture, Mague- gether. As the universe expanded and his theories. “Most of the things we do ess, which people don't like to admit to In the mean time, questioning physical ijo has moved into his new office in cooled over time, the speed of light in theoretical physics is question Ein- and some of it is very irrational in fact, laws, at the very least, exercises one of the theoretical physics department slowed down. stein, there's nothing special there, it's it’s something we should admit more the prime movers of science – human in the Huxley building and is tackling When Magueijo first published his basically the evolution of science, it's than what we do as scientists.” intelligence. Friday 1 February 2008 felix 13 [email protected] Science DNA strands seek partners electrostatically

Imran Khan ference to the electrostatic properties as visible from the outside, and so one "We wish to suggest a structure for double-helix of DNA would look pretty the salt of deoxyribose nucleic acid much the same as any other. (D.N.A.). This structure has novel fea- The researchers found, though, that tures which are of considerable bio- strands with similar sequences actu- logical interest". ally do have a habit of pairing up with Our understanding of DNA has each other. Prof. Alexei Kornyshev, one come along way since James Watson of the study's authors, pointed out that and Francis Crick published their era- "seeing these identical DNA molecules defining paper in Nature all the way seeking each other out in a crowd, back in 1953, but the remarkable mole- without any external help, is very excit- cule's latest feat seems to be bordering ing indeed". on witchcraft. A team from Imperial have discovered that individual strands of DNA are capable of recognising and “The molecules organising each other without the aid of any assisting enzymes or proteins. can find each The findings, published in the Jour- nal of Physical Chemistry B this month, other despite could be important in helping to un- cover the way in which homologous being separated recombination gets started. Homologous recombination is a key by over a process which our genes use to reshuf- fle themselves between generations, as nanometer” well as repair themselves after damage, and involves identical stretches of ge- The molecules are capable of finding netic material on different strands of each other from distances of more than DNA lining up with each other before a nanometer apart, and the longer the swapping information. It has generally strands of DNA are, the stronger the been assumed that this kind of behav- attraction seems to be. iour would be impossible without the The famous double-helix. Imperial scientists have just shown how similar strands of the stuff can identify This lends weight to the electrostatic help of some protein or some other each other at a distance. Turns out it's all to do with the pattern of electric charges inside them hypothesis, though the team admit mediation. they can't rule out other mechanisms The researchers, however, have pro- just yet. "Formation of local single- posed that the identical DNA strands The idea is controversial, because mous double-helix. They're encased by the backbone of the molecule is uni- stranded bubbles and base flipping may actually attract each other electrostati- the bits of DNA which allow it to carry two relatively boring sugar-phosphate form in structure, it was assumed that cause transient cross-hybridization", cally - the same way a suitably charged information - the A, T, G and C bases 'backbones', which provide the struc- any electrostatic properties of the bas- they point out, but also consider it to balloon can attract your hair. - are located on the inside of the fa- tural integrity of the molecule. Because es on the inside wouldn't make any dif- be "rather unlikely".

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JPMorgan is a marketing name of JPMorgan Chase & Co. and its subsidiaries worldwide. ©2007 JPMorgan Chase & Co. All rights reserved. JPMorgan is an equal opportunities employer. 14 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Politics Politics Editors – Li-Teck Lau and Kadhim Shubber [email protected] Winners and inevitably losers A week is a long time in the world of politics; as these people found out, fortunes can change quickly

Giuliani loses, Kadhim celebrates Money, money, money, monieee! The Comeback kid. Well not really Seriously, I’m not corrupt. Honest Why doesn’t anybody like me?

oser, Rudy Giuliani has seen inner, former Brit- inner, John McCain oser, Peter Hain resigned oser, Italian Prime Minister the collapse of his campaign ish Prime Minister wins in Florida, his position as work and Romano Prodi has handed to win the Republican Presi- Tony Blair has seen beating Giuliani pensions secretary due to in his resignation after los- dential nomination after his bank accounts out of the race and the announcement that the ing a confidence vote. He L failing to win the Florida W filled up after tak- W pushing himself to L Metropolitan police will L will continue as caretaker primary. His campaign strategy was ing a series of jobs with major banks. the front of the field and putting him- begin an investigation into his failure leader while the President, Giorgio untested and unfamiliar. He avoided His most recent appointment, as an self in good stead for future primaries to declare donations to his deputy Napolitano, decides whether to hold contesting the early primaries and advisor to Zurich Financial Services Just a few months ago John McCain leadership campaign worth more than general elections early. cauceses held in Iowa, New Hampshire Group (Zurich) will see him working was floating dead in the water, politi- £100,000. He was forced out after just 20 and others, instead focusing his money closely with Zurich’s newly launched cally of course. After appearing as the Hain has always insisted the failure to months in office, having been defeated and energy on a late big win in Florida Climate Change Advisory Council. obvious presidential candidate, his declare the donations to his campaign in the senate, or upper house, by five that, he hoped, would propel him to While neither Blair nor Zurich have campaign lost supporters and funds was an accident and sources indicated votes. The defeat, which spelled the victory overall. released details of his salary, it is be- started to dry up. He was as good as he would fight to “clear his name” from end of the country’s 61st government Although spending 3 times as much lieved to be around £2m a year. He also out of the presidential race. However, the backbenches. since the Second World War, could time campaigning in Florida than the works part-time as an advisor for JP after victory in New Hampshire, South However at the Electoral Commis- also herald a comeback for Silvio Ber- victor (John McCain) as well as $50 Morgan. His salary for this part-time Carolina and now Florida he has staged sion officials were not impressed by lusconi, the controversial former pre- million overall on his campaign, he job could be as high as £2.5m a year. a remarkable comeback. Hain’s explanation that he was too mier. Berlusconi has kept up pressure finished an uninspiring 3rd. He has not It is believed that Mr Blair will at- He is likely to secure the backing of busy to comply with electoral law. The for new elections that he hopes will yet withdrawn from the race, though tempt to become the first full-time EU Rudy Giuliani after he drops out, and party funding rules have been in force bring him back to lead Italy. an announcement is expected soon. president from next year. Among his with a general perception that McCain for some time and failure to obey is a The collapse of the government had Negotiations with frontrunner John supporters for this £200,000 a year job has the potential to beat a democratic criminal offence. been widely predicted following a McCain will lead to him announcing is French President Nicolas Sarkozy. candidate such as Hillary, things are The Hain investigation is particular- stream of defections. Several key fig- his support for McCain’s candidacy It is believed that he will face private looking good for the ex-POW. ly embarrassing because it will be the ures in Mr Prodi’s centre-Left coalition soon after he drops out of the race. resistance from Gordon Brown who is However up to this point the race for third high-profile police investigation had refused to support him in the vote, Traditionally, in U.S politics, the early uneasy about having Tony Blair com- the Republican nomination has been into alleged Labour breaches of elec- effectively ensuring his defeat. primary states have a large amount of ing back into EU politics. Tories have anything but assured. McCain still toral and funding law. During the vote, the Italian Parlia- influence in decideding who becomes already taunted him over the prospect faces strong opposition from rival Mitt In the past some ministers have re- ment was the scene of intense drama. the final presidential candidate. This is of seeing him welcome ‘President Blair’ Romney. Romney’s campaign staff turned to office after resigning. But Senator Tommaso Barbato was forcibly because a series of early wins allows a to Downing Street. Any sign of tension believe that his ability to raise money Hain is not close to Brown and it is removed from the Senate session while candidate to gain momentum. between Tony and Gordon would be and spend his own millions will allow unlikely he will stage a comeback like Senator Stefano Cusumano collapsed By ignoring this conventional wis- seized on by the media. them to better highlight the contrast Peter Mandelson or David Blunkett. during the vote. Senators from the op- dom Rudy Giuliani either promised to Gaining the EU presidency would between their candidate’s business This latest investigation is likely to position National Alliance party cel- ensure a quick exit or rewrite the polit- mean that Tony would have to give up background and McCain’s long tenure increase pressure on Harriet Harman ebrated with champagne as the results ical rules in the U.S. While other nomi- lucrative business advisor roles. In the in a partisan Washington. and Wendy Alexander who have both of the confidence vote was announced. nees have thrown up surprises during meantime, he is clearly happy with a The 5th of February, Super Tuesday, admitted irregularities with campaign The change of government is unlikely this years campaigning, this was not to guaranteed healthy bank account for will finally cement either McCain or donations and cement Labour’s image to bring the radical change needed to be the case for Giuliani. years to come. Romney as the Republican candidate. as corrupt and sleazy. help Italy’s unhealthy economy. Scandal hits Union President Stephen Brown*

Samuel Black they’re not meant to be. Bar, Stephen Brown admitted he drinks students don’t like me they can vote me has only come to light recently, ap- Stephen Brown personally, has come whisky at 10am, usually before the out.” This is exactly what his main ri- parently he not only told her to “Pipe Union President Stephen Brown has under enormous criticism for admit- Sambucca but always after a few shots val, former Deputy President (Finances down!” but continued “So help me God never been afraid of controversy – but ting that he enjoyed a personal fiefdom. of Tuaca. As a defence for the whiskey and Services) Jon Matthews, is hoping if you don’t shut up I’ll delay fixing the as the Sabbatical elections draw close, He defended himself saying, “That’s drinking, the Union President claimed will happen. He has described Stephen constitution till 2012; you are just like ‘Red Stephen’ has come under fire exactly what Sir Richard Sykes – and he used it “as an anaesthetic” in win- Brown as being drunk on power, add- a concentration camp guard, you are from rivals. remember I was opposed to the idea ter months to help his chest problems. ing: “No matter how long someone just doing it because you are paid to, The behaviour of his colleagues is at the beginning – set out to create. When asked why he continues this re- has been in the job, they’re not above aren’t you?” under question. Deputy President (Fi- And if we didn’t have that, I couldn’t gime during the spring, summer and accountability”. It remains to be seen, nance and Services) Chris Larvin is have got the Union re-development autumn months he slurred, “It helps however, whether Mr Matthews can under pressure to resign after lying through.” However a disgruntled Un- numb the pain…” shake off his floppy haired image, bal- about accepting a free luxury holiday ion employee, lets call her K. Patter- Coming back on the offensive, Presi- ance an election campaign with a suc- as a guest of youth camp organisation son; no - Kirsty P, has informed Felix dent Stephen Brown has pointed to the cessful career on Have I Got News for Kamp Afrika. The Deputy President that Mr Brown is completely close- many successes of his time as a Sabbat- You and go twelve minutes without of- initially denied being in Nigeria; the minded and refuses to work with other ical officer. “Violent crime in Quad is fending a city, race or continent. Union also issued a statement saying people. He responded firmly “The Un- down, there are upgrades to the South- Luckily for Jon Matthews, the scandal that he was in London at the time. ion system is one in which the Presi- side underground resulting in better surrounding his presidency seemed too However a photograph of him canoe- dent is the elected executive; I do not service and we’ve seen great results much for Stephen Brown in the recent ing in Nigeria forced him to admit the work through endless layers of Deputy from the walkway congestion charge” Union Council meeting, Felix reported truth. Questions are now being asked Presidents.” He conceded the incidence of unsolved last week. With the council unwilling over why he and the Union gave false Unfortunately for his credibility, this murders has increased but denied that to succumb to his iron-fisted rule, he statements but also about how stupid is not the only admission he has made. the creation of an Assassins Society lost his temper with Deputy President someone has to be to take a picture of Recently, when asked why alcohol al- was related. Keen to sound unworried (Education & Welfare) Kirsty Patter- themselves when they’re somewhere ways goes missing from The Union by recent events he declared, “If the son. The full account of the meeting *This is satire; keep your hair on at the union feb 1 - 8 FRIDAY 1 WEDNESDAY 6

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Culture & Arts Editors – Rosie Grayburn, Caz Knight, David Paw and Emily Wilson Budding culture vulture? Write for us. The Arts [email protected] How to get out of your hole Part 1: South Bank. Rosie Grayburn shows you how to do the South Bank. Oo-er

his week in Felix’s Guide 5. Once you have exhausted the Tate Rosie Grayburn to Days Out of Fun and Modern and perhaps had a coffee break Arts Editor Enjoyment, we take you in its café, the next amusement along is on a journey along the the Globe Theatre. It was painstakingly re you feeling cooped up T South Bank of the Thames reconstructed from original designs like those poor chickens from Waterloo to Southwark. and authentic materials, like blood, on the telly? Do you con- The South Bank is a cultural hub of mud and macadamia nuts (honestly!!). stantly moan about how theatres, galleries, restaurants and ar- The open air theatre does not start A you haven’t had a proper chitecture. There is the National Thea- its season until April but it still does break since September? My diagnosis tre, Shakespeare’s [excellent imitation] tours around the theatre with exuber- is you clearly need to top up your RWC Globe Theatre, The Tate Modern, The ant guides all year round. Have a look (recommended weekly culture). A sim- OXO tower… at www.shakespeares-globe.org for ple way to do this is to read Felix Arts more details. The mostly hands-on ex- pages once a week. Fuck me – that is a lot of culture! hibition underneath the theatre is very If symptoms persist, you may be suf- enjoyable, if you like pretending to be fering from severe laziness. This can be You are very observant, Mr Generic Shakespearean characters and dressing easily treated with a couple of hours’ Student in Bold Type. How to get up in pantyhose. I do. exposure to an art gallery, museum there: train/tube/bus to Waterloo. Easy or theatre. Consult your newspaper peasy. Things you need: Camera (to fit 6. If you are getting bored of the South arts listings before carrying out any of in with generic tourists), money (to Bank now, or if you have superstitions these treatments. Alternatively, see the buy sustenance and postcards) and a about ‘banks’ or ‘south’ things take a opposite page for a guide of how to ap- copy of Hamlet’s soliloquy (to play pre- ride (and it really is) on the Millennium proach the South Bank’s amusements. tend at the Globe). Websites to check Bridge towards the City. Indulge in St. Complementary treatments can be out before you venture out: www.visit- Paul’s Cathedral, the Bank of England added to improve further the results of southwark.com and The Museum of London. culture exposure. [Fairtrade] Caffeine can be purchased widely in many arts 1. The South Bank is clearly signed 7. If you want to stick to the South institutions and is a popular addition from the station, but still bring an A Bank, follow signs and crowds in the to any gallery visit. On the other hand, to Z or map of some description as it same direction to the area of South- many patients have found writing an may be useful further on. When you wark. Follow a map if it will make you article for their student newspaper has get to the river, turn RIGHT onto ‘The feel better. massively increased their RWC. Queen’s Walk’, which will take you This is a very old part of London. You On this topic, Delighted of Hammer- most of the way along the South Bank. can imagine it being smelly, noisy and smith commented, “My RWC soared If you dare turn left, you will see the wonderfully ‘orrible. It is mostly cob- after I was sent to review a big gallery London Eye and the Houses of Parlia- bled and contains ancient cathedrals opening for Felix… And all I had to do ment straight in front of you. Please (www.southwark.anglican.org/cathe- was email [email protected]!” don’t go that way. We’ve seen it all dral); , historic ships docked (www. This week in Felix, we have some before. goldenhinde.org) and the very authen- lovely regular features to keep you tic tourist trap: The London Dungeon glowing with culture. Lucy Harrold, 2. Follow the river and you will pass the (www.thedungeons.com). Have a wan- our own Musical Theatre guru, tells National Theatre and the Royal Festi- der around the streets, but don’t stray you all you need to know about West val Hall, purveyors of fine concerts and too far or you’ll end up at Guy’s Hospi- Side Story. When you eventually get on plays for years. The National Theatre tal (booo!). University Challenge, your little face has recently been saved from concrete will light up when Paxman announces death by being presented with a ‘mood’ 8. At the end of this slog along the South “Right, your bonuses are on that fa- light on its head. This detracts from Bank, you are greeted by the welcome mous Leonard Bernstein musical.” the ugly concrete and looks very pretty sight of Borough Market (www.bor- I continue my mission this page to in- when it is dark. oughmarket.org.uk). It is a labyrinth troduce famous areas in London where Incidentally, there are some very of stalls selling wonderful, local, deli- you can chill for the day whilst conven- tasty cafes underneath the Royal Fes- The wonderfully industrial OXO tower where you can eat very poncy cious produce. If you are repelled by iently upping your RWC and decreas- tival Hall in case you get peckish this food: OXOtail soup, OXO caesar salad, OXO and martini, OXO frites... the not-so-wonderful, delicious prices ing your DTA (Daily Telly Allowance) early on in the day, fatty. See http:// it is fantastic to walk around and soak and LISL (Lab-Induced Stress Levels). www.nationaltheatre.org.uk/ for cur- up the atmosphere. It is open Thursday We at Felix Arts are currently re- rent ‘what’s on’ listings. If you don’t to Saturday until the mid- afternoon. cruiting writers and we would love to fancy a play or concert, the buildings hear from you. If you are interested are interesting to have a poke around. 9. Time to go home. If you are super- at all in reviewing the ‘From Russia’ adventurous, why not wander a bit fur- exhibition at the Royal Academy, the 3. As you continue to walk in the SAME ther up the Thames to Tower Bridge, National Portrait photographic Prize direction along the Thames, you will the Tower of London and all that at the National Portrait Gallery or the pass under the OXO Tower. This hous- comes with it? new Launchpad at the Science mu- es a very fancy restaurant owned by If you do end up venturing up that seum, please get in touch at the usual Harvey Nicks. Someone recently sug- far and your stomach starts complain- address. We will sort out the tickets, gested that all they served was different ing about neglect, why not take it for a which applies to anything you fancy flavoured OXO cubes with a garnish of rollercoaster ride in the famous Brick reviewing. salad. We can only dream, eh? Lane ‘curry mile’, just around the cor- Apart from that the theatres around ner from the Tower of London. London are blooming with life. I blame 4. You will next pass under Blackfriars global warming personally. At the Old Bridge, home to buskers and traders We come to the end of our jaunt along Vic Jeff Goldblum stars in Speed the selling little, useless objects. When you the South Bank. To get home, you can Plow alongside Kevin Spacey. have passed this section you will be walk back along to Waterloo bypass- Before you get too excited, don’t faced with the gargantuan Tate Mod- ing the sights or get the tube from forget the smaller productions. At the ern in what used to be the Bankside Blackfriars, which is closer to Borough King’s Head Theatre in Islington, The Power Station. Market. Dybbuk is showing until February 24th I love this building. The turbine hall If your expedition has been a sucess, (www.kingsheadtheatre.org) and on is so cavernous and dwarfing – it is please send us a postcard. If there was some nights you can see the acclaimed worth just popping in the [free] en- anything you discovered on your trav- Fucking Men at the Finborough Thea- trance to stand in the centre of it to els that we missed off, please send us tre (www.finboroughtheatre.co.uk). If soak up the grey, empty atmosphere. an email to let us know and we might you find yourself gracing these theat- The infamous ‘Crack’ or ‘Shibboleth’ just publish it. rical institutions and you find yourself is currently occupying some Turbine angered or inspired by the play/concert space, so watch out for overexcited Next week we push you a little you are viewing, please tell us about it. small children and adults. All the world’s a Stage... Inside the Globe Theatre. You’d be fucked if further and explore Greenwich We’d like that. you promised “I’ll eat my hat” and you were wearing one of those and Canary Wharf. Friday 1 February 2008 felix 17 [email protected] Arts Stanzas for Students A Mathematical problem by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. One for the Mathematicians. Like dustbin men, someone has to do it

he father of Romantic centre Band. poetry had nothing but The round A. C. E. to describe But to the same powers, when praise for Mathematics, boldly venture. two powers are equal, and could be said to be (Third Postulate see.) My mind forbodes the sequel; T very far removed from po- And from the point C. My mind does some celestial im- etry. There is much novel punctuation In which the circles make a pulse teach, and line breaks which makes the poem pother And equalises each to each. all the more mathematical thus mir- Cutting and slashing one Thus C. A. with B. C. strikes the roring the theme perfectly and mak- another, same sure alliance, ing an original contrast with literature. Bid the straight lines a journeying That C. A. and B. C. had with A. Enough of the spiel, enjoy it my fellow go, B. before; scientists. I give you Mr Samuel T. Take C. A., C. B. those lines will show. And in mutual affiance, it away Sam: To the points, which by A. B. are None attempting to soar reckon’d, Above another, I And postulate the second The unanimous three For Authority ye know. C. A. and B. C. and A. B. On a given finite Line A. B. C. All are equal, each to his brother, Which must no way incline; Triumphant shall be Preserving the balance of power To describe an equi-- An Equilateral Triangle, so true: --lateral Tri-- Not Peter Pindar carp, not Zoilus Ah! the like would the proud Au- --A, N, G, L, E. can wrangle. tocratorix do! Now let A. B. At taxes impending not Britain Be the given line III would tremble, Which must no way incline; Nor Prussia struggle her fear to The great Mathematician Because the point A. is the dissemble; Makes this Requisition, centre Nor the Mah’met-sprung Wight, That we describe an Equi-- Of the circular B. C. D. The great Mussulman --lateral Tri-- And because the point B. is the Would stain his Divan --angle on it: centre With Urine the soft-flowing Aid us, Reason--aid us, Wit! Of the circular A. C. E. daughter of Fright. A. C. to A. B. and B. C. to B. A. II Harmoniously equal for ever IV must stay; From the centre A. at the distance Then C. A. and B. C. But rein your stallion in, too dar- A. B. Both extend the kind hand ing Nine! Describe the circle B. C. D. To the basis, A. B. Should Empires bloat the scien- At the distance B. A. from B. the Unambitiously join’d in Equality’s tific line? Musical Theatre Weekly – West Side Story

the play. The show went on to be a ma- out of town tryout was faithful to the History jor hit, having many revivals and being Shakespeare story, but by the time it shown all around the world. came to Broadway Maria did not die A film was made in 1961 starring Ri- because those damn stiff upperlip n 1949, Jerome Robbins (a fa- chard Beymer (innit, I don’t know who 1950s Americans found death on stage mous director) went to Arthur he is either) and Natalie Wood, whose too upsetting. Laurents (a writer) with the songs were actually sung by Marni Nix- idea of a ballet/musical about on, the woman behind the singing of I the gang warfare in East Side, Deborah Kerr in “The King And I” and Songs to look out for: New York. Audrey Hepburn in “My Fair Lady”. In fact, the original East Side Story Tonight: Personally I prefer the end was a battle between Catholics and of act one quartet version. Either that Jews. This being post WWII the lo- Plot or the Tony/Maria duet. Both are cation was moved to the West Side amazing and gangs became the Americans Generally if you know anything about Squaring up... MTsoc style in their Summer Tour version of WWS. and Puerto Ricans... yeah, cos that’s Romeo and Juliet you’ll get the plot. If Officer Krupke: Two words: Funny As. “Your fake tan sucks”, “Fake tanned your mom last night” less racist. you don’t, what have you been doing The idea became West Side Story. with your life? *Sigh of despair* America: I got to dance this in the Leonard Bernstein wrote the music It’s about a guy and a girl who love MTSoc tour last summer so I’m a bit Anita (or Shakespeare’s Nurse): Girl- It is rumoured that a fiftieth an- and a new kid on the block, Stephen each other but their love can never be biased. . It’s still a very memorable friend of Bernardo and confidante of niversary production is in the Sondheim, wrote the lyrics. as they are from rival gangs, so they tune - who doesn’t know bababa Maria. pipeline. The show premiered in 1957 to have to carry out their relationship in bababa ba ba ba….? rave reviews despite the creators secret. Bernardo (or Tybalt) : Leader of the being scared shitless as this type of When everyone starts to realise what Jets. He gets a bit moody if you touch If you liked this, try: show had never been done before. is happening they have to find a way of Main Characters: his sister. This is what makes it such a pivotal stopping everyone from killing each Billy Elliot: This also utilises bal- show in the history of theatre. other, they’re obviously not very good Tony: The lovestruck Romeo character Jets: The “pure Americans”, they think let within its storytelling and if you West Side Story was almost an op- at that as Tybalt kills Mercutio and and ex-leader of the Jets. He fancies they own the streets because they got know the movie then you’ll know eratic ballet: the first to put so much then Romeo kills Tybalt in revenge. Maria. there first. there’s a lot of male angst here too. dancing with music and to use the Romeo then runs away to avoid get- dance to move the story along. It was ting jailed for murder making Juliet Maria: The younger sister of Bernardo, Sharks: The Puerto Rican newcomers, Romeo+Juliet: If you don’t think you also one of the first musicals to deal think he’s dead so she takes a sleep- the leader of the Sharks, and she fan- who also think they own the streets can stomach a full blown musical, with a realistic storyline rather than ing draft that makes her seem dead. cies Tony. Anyone just worked out the try Baz Luhrmann’s modernisation the usual “look at us, we’re all happy Romeo returns to find a dead Juliet and problem? Shit. of the classic tale. But I won’t be too as we’re singing and dancing”. kills himself, she wakes up to find him Where can I get it? downhearted if you favour this over The first act ended with two dead dead and kills herself. Riff (or Mercutio): Leader of the Jets the musicals, it’s well made and has a bodies and the second with another- Unfortunatey this was a musical and Tony’s best friend. The DVD is still readily available, as kick-ass soundtrack! nothing was resolved at the end of in the 1950s so although the original are many different recordings. by Lucy Harrold 18 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Arts [email protected] Frolic about in the Big Smoke Chapter Seven – Free things to do in London

Parks and Gardens

Hyde Park Corner, Green Park, Camden Town, Holland Park, Regent’s Park, St James’s Park Stations

Visit London’s parks and gardens for a relaxing walk, reading, a picnic or to sunbathe. Highlights include the following: Hyde Park, the largest central park, is still quite quiet – visit the Round Pond to feed the swans; Green Park is leafy and cool; St James’s Park has pelicans and a great view of Buckingham Palace; Holland Park has peacocks and beautiful formal gardens; Primrose Hill, near Camden Town, has a great view of the city and is lovely for sunbathing; Regents Park has the beautiful Queen Mary’s Rose Gardens.

Speaker’s Corner

North East Hyde Park Marble Arch Station

Traditional site for public speeches and debate as well as the main site of protest and assembly in Britain. Although many of its regular speakers are distinctly non-mainstream, it has been frequented by such people as Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, George Orwell, and William Morris. Its existence is frequently upheld as a demonstration of the principle of free speech, as anyone can turn up unannounced and talk on almost any subject. Come on Sunday mornings to listen to all sorts of views from the sensible to the obscure!

Changing of the Guard

Green Park Station South Kensington Station

No visit to London is complete without seeing this military tradition. The Queen’s Guard in London changes in the Forecourt inside the gates of Buckingham Palace at 11.30am every day in the summer and every other day in the winter.

South Ken Museums

South Kensington Station

Go to the world-renowned museums on Exhibition Road, just 5 minutes from College, including the Natural History Museum, Tate Modern and Tate Britain the Science Museum, and the Victoria and Albert Museum. Favourites include the Flight section in the Science Museum, the Gems section and earthquake simulator in the Natural History Southwark and Pimlico Stations Musuem, and the Raphael Cartoons in the V&A. Tate Modern displays the national collection of international modern art, defined as art since 1900. It includes masterpieces by Picasso and Matisse and one of the world’s finest collections of Surrealism, including Dalí, Ernst, Magritte and Mirò. There are also major works by Pollock as well as collections of Pop art, including Warhol, Minimal art and Conceptual art. The Tate Britain comprises the national collection of British art from 1500 to the present day, and international modern art. In the twentieth century section there is the work by Stanley Spencer, Henry Moore, Barbara Hepworth, and Francis Bacon. Special attention is given to three outstanding British artists from the Romantic age – Blake, Constable and Turner. A boat connects the two museums, although this is not free. Friday 1 February 2008 felix 19

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Written by Sally Longstaff, designed by Rosie Grayburn British Museum Street Theatre Great Russell Street Tottenham Court Road Station West Piazza, North Hall and Courtyard, Covent Garden The British Museum is a museum of human Covent Garden Station history and culture. Its collections, of more than 13 Mention Covent Garden Market and most people think of entertainment: from the million objects, are amongst the largest and most first Punch & Judy shows in the 17th century to the world’s very best street theatre. comprehensive in the world and originate from all Be amazed by the street acts from sword-fighting knights to knife-swallowing acts, continents. Highlights include: the Rosetta Stone, chain-saw jugglers, death-defying unicyclists, opera singers and classical musicians, used for deciphering hieroglyphics, the Elgin Marbles as well as escape artists, clowns, mimes and human statues. Walk among the acts from the Arcopolis, Egyptian mummies, Greek and maybe sit in one of the numerous cafes to take in the atmosphere. vases, and the Mausoleum of Halikarnassos (one of the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World). See a Trial at the Old Bailey

Newgate Street St Paul’s Station

The Central Criminal Court, or the Old Bailey, is the probably the most famous criminal court in the world. It hears cases from all over England and Wales as well as the Greater London area, and you can see them all from the Public Gallery. They are open Monday to Friday from 10am-1pm and 2-5pm. Be warned, security is tight and no cameras, mobile phones, bags or food are allowed.

Ceremony of the Keys

Tower of London Tower Hill Station

The Ceremony of the Keys is the traditional locking-up of the Tower of London and has taken place each and every night, without fail, for at least 700 years. The importance of securing this fortress for the night is still very relevant because, although the Monarch no longer resides at this royal palace, the Crown Jewels and many other valuables still do! Tickets are free but you have to apply in writing. Go to www.hrp.org.uk/TowerOfLondon/ WhatsOn/ceremonyofthekeys.aspx for details.

Bank of England Museum

Threadneedle Street Bank Station

The Bank of England Museum tells the story of the Bank of England from its foundation in 1694 to its role today as the United Kingdom’s central bank. See how banknotes are made, be a broker on the stock market and crack a safe. You can also hold a gold bullion bar worth over $140,000. Well worth a visit!

Street Markets

Notting Hill Gate/Borough/Camden Town/ Liverpool Street

Portobello Road Market: world-famous market selling antiques, jewellry, second hand clothes and bric-a-brac. Borough Market: one of the largest food markets in the world, selling a large variety of foods from all around the world. Camden Market: arts and crafts, jewellry, 2nd hand clothing food stalls. Higher-priced items indoors. Spitalfields Market: indoor market selling books and clothes. Organic food and crafts on Sundays. Brick Lane Market: sunday market. Sells furniture, fruits, exotic spices, saris, kitsch collectables and vintage clothes. Photograph by Sally “The Traitor” Longstaff Traitor” Photograph bySally“The

Davy gets screwed minutes before Guilds do

Christian Carter cradling RSM mascot Davy shortly before it was rescued by RSM committee members. Strike a pose, email: [email protected] 22 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Film Film Editor – Alex Casey [email protected] Teen pregnancy is, like, cool With more buzz than a swarm of killer bees, Juno seems to be delighting audiences of all ages as Felix asks why a pregnant 16-year old girl has managed to cause such a fuss Alex Casey Film Editor Alex Casey There’s something about Juno, it’s nd so now I bring you a true. This small indie flick, which small discussion of the first popped up on the festival circuit Oscars nods, a week late, in the middle of last year, has smas- perhaps, but with that sively snowballed in influence. It is set A time well-spent to say to become the surprise sleeper hit at something about the sad passing of the Oscars later this month, snagging Heath Ledger. Still, you don’t know the nominations for the coveted Best Pic- winners yet, so perhaps you can find ture, Best Director and Best Actress something in here to have a small flut- categories amongst others, a consid- ter down the bookies with. erable feat considering the three driv- The semi-finals are over. If your ing forces behind it are all 30 or under. name’s not on any of the ballots, you And so, Felix are bringing you every- better book fast to get the cheapest thing you need to know about the film ticket home. Hollywood, and BAFTA, everyone’s talking about a week prior gave you your chance, and you blew it. to release (8th Feb) so that you can stay Although you may be wondering why. top of the pile. Once the Golden Globes are an- The appeal of Juno no doubt rests nounced, the road to the Oscars is on the shoulders of lead actress Ellen more a question of rearranging the Page who seems to have transcended melee of names already mentioned Academy perceptions of a Best Actress than picking up brand new hopes. Per- candidate, beating out the hotly-tipped haps a Best Picture candidate falls out Angelina Jolie and Keira Knightley. Not of favour but gets the consolation of a bad for a young woman only featuring Best Cinematography nod by the end. in her second high profile feature. Al- Maybe you had a performance that be- though only two years younger than Nope, it’s not a baby, just wind mused you by its absence from the lists Knightley, her nod has raised eyebrows (especially with the Globes’ split cate- because she is playing a child, not the gories), but unless your film happened young women that Keira’s face lends it- dict the intelligence that her roles in with saying a lot more in a comedy season. It was all the more surprising to make the Best Picture list, everyone self to, a role that would normally only Juno and the 2005 thriller Hard Candy that you can in a drama” trills Cody, given that, for all the comparisons that will have forgotten it ever existed until elicit voting sympathy in supporting bestow upon her. In Hard Candy es- delightfully oblivious to the stress that have been drawn with last year’s Little March. The Globes set the table, you categories. pecially, the shocking nature of her the situation could cause in reality. Miss Sunshine, that film failed to swing choose where you sit, but you can’t Then again, it would be impos- scenes pushed her character beyond Reitman is similarly playful, taking a directing nod, so Reitman must be bring friends to dinner. sible to relegate Page to a support- the realms of realism into the ridicu- time out of the conference to photo- pretty pleased with himself. The rare thing that the 2008 cer- ing consideration given she plays the lous, even it it was enjoyable, thought- graph the mountain of dictaphones un- Indeed, I imagine the three of them emony seems to have brought so far eponymous protagonist. Her effort- provoking ridiculousness. At least the der his nose with his new iPhone. His aren’t that phased by the attention at is following various shuffles by guild less humour is endearing although her coupling of such promise with some nomination as Best Director is prob- all. These are just three young kids, awards, Globes and BAFTAs, the stunning eloquence of speech (albeit early Academy recognition will give ably the biggest shock of Juno’s hoard surfing the crest of a wave of praise. Academy have managed to optimise the voice of screenwriter Diablo Cody, her the momentum she can hope for to (his only previous feature was the hit- New talent is always a bonus on the in- the list of nominees with real talent see later) allows the audience to iden- get over the notoriously difficult teen- and-miss Thank You For Smoking) and die film scene, and that’s the one thing being rewarded and the fluff being tify with Juno on an adult level despite age barrier. unprecedented in the rest of the awards that Juno brings into the world. bumped to technical categories. Not the story squarely identifying her Someone who that there haven’t been a few mistakes, as a child. What use is a story doesn’t have of course. of teenage pregnancy if the such diffi- I’m past caring that No Country for central character appears culty with Old Men is the clear favourite. The adult enough to effortlessly typecast- with a ludicrously large lexicon, and winners will no doubt be pretty disap- breeze through it all? ing will Juno ★★★★✫ is matched by Michael Cera as the pointing, but the nominations them- Page’s downfall, however, be Diab- would-be love interest. Director: Jason Reitman selves are good consolation. Atone- could be her childlike im- lo Cody, Writer: Alison Janney manages to dispel the ment seems to have clung on after age. Whilst Keira is not as writer Diablo Cody image of the West Wing’s CJ as the dog- Cast: Ellen Page being shut out by each of the main US consummate an actress, of Juno Michael Cera loving stepmother of Juno, balancing guild shows, and rightly so. Whilst not she has adult roles and and crea- Jennifer Garner the frustration of Juno’s attitude to- a massive fan of the film, it was better a beauty that will always tor of the wards her with a real affection for than Michael Clayton (bonus points find her work, no matter cool indie the girl to avoid any straight-forward for anyone who saw this coming) and how wooden she may be. edge it dis- This film is not quite the holy grail of caricatures. Jennifer Garner is also im- No Country, and for proof that voting Page has a very young plays. During indie filmmaking the Academy may pressive, if still annoying, as the highly members cared about the different cat- appearance that has the London Film have you believe, but it’s a good try. strung Stepford Wife looking to adopt egories out there, the limp Keira and at times seemed Festival, Cody and Amongst the somewhat dreary and de- Juno’s baby into her seemingly perfect- strangely off-form McAvoy have been to contra- director Jason Reit- pressing list of nominations, Juno pro- but-childless family. evicted. Please leave the Big Bother man brought a small vides a fun factor that would definitely The script is the real sparkle here, house. film that had a little bit of hype be worth going to see if you fancy a and Diablo Cody has professed many Acting nominations have actually around it, although with Alison Jan- light-hearted Sunday afternoon romp. times that the language children use is had a bit of a boost. The talents of Lau- ney and Jennifer Garner the only Indeed, it’s the very pursuit of such a a lot more sophisticated than you give ra Linney (woohoo) have edged out recognisable names attached distraction that leads to the subject them credit for to account for Juno Knightley, but sadly Cate Blanchett’s to the project, it was quickly matter involved, although not by tak- having an intellect that has wits much Elizabeth shut out Angelina. For the lost amongst the bigger name ing the cinema route. sharper than her aptitude for com- men, Viggo Mortenson usurps McA- projects by David Cronenberg, Juno (Page) is a 16 year old girl who mon sense. There are a few really good voy and Johnny Depp got chucked in Wes Anderson, Sean Penn, etc. finds herself pregnant after a tryst with laughs to be had here, and the scene for comedy value. Not that it matters In the basement of the Soho a school friend (Cera) and follows the in which Juno goes for her ultrasound when Daniel Day-Lewis is still on the Hotel, Felix listened to the course of her pregnancy. Cue the tears stands out in particular for its strength, guest list. creative powers discussing and tantrums, family betrayal and poor humour and emotional resonance. With There Will Be Blood the only their project with an affec- little girl with baby out on the streets. With the screenplay as the star, it’s main contender as yet unseen by Felix, tion that is rare among the Or not. Juno sees a much funnier side hard to understand why Reitman is it’s hard to know what to make of the bigger names who churn to the whole thing, treating the idea of now an Oscar hopeful for Best Direc- race. Joint leader in total nods, it has out hit after hit. pregnancy more as something along tor. Perhaps people were just happy to generated surprisingly little coverage Cody came to screenwrit- the lines of a zit the week before prom. see the film and grateful for the man for anything other than Lewis himself. ing from blogging, origi- And Juno ain’t no prom queen either, who envisaged it and presented it so Can it be that underwhelming? nally, and described how she’s cooler than that. Instead, Juno simplistically. Juno, in the event of a Support from this corner would go to her treatment of a real-life treats the funny aspects of pregnancy win, will not go down in history as a Juno as the best of a mediocre bunch. problem such as teenage and even the process of adoption with classic picture. Charm it has in spades, However, for a bet, outside odds on pregnancy could only a refreshing light-hearted touch that it but longevity is not exactly guaranteed. Atonement pipping No Country. Un- be handled through hu- has used to endear itself to the world. As we said before, Juno is simply a clas- likely, but more chance than Clayton. Ellen Page in Hard Candy mour. “You can get away Ellen Page is great as Juno, albeit sic weekend afternoon romp. Friday 1 February 2008 felix 23 [email protected] Film When the apocalypse comes, film it With Lost producer J.J. Abrams overseeing new sci-fi blockbuster Cloverfield, should we believe the hype or is it just more unfulfilled promise? Felix investigates to find a pleasing lack of tropical island mysteries

ing No Country for Old Men, I was get a view of the monster and no-one Cloverfield ★★★★✫ probably more receptive than usual to even attempts to justify its existence some standard action fare. with some bogus science. This meant Director: Matt Reeves The movie begins in Rob’s apart- the viewer could focus on the gripping Writer: Drew Goddard Cast: ment, where his friends are throwing action, rather than some contrived ex- Lizzy Caplan him a surprise going-away party before planation for what had happened. The Jessica Lucas T. J. Miller he leaves New York for Japan. The ini- remainder of Cloverfield depicts Rob Michael Stahl-David tial 20-min party sequence reveals the et. al on a quest to save his friend Beth complicated web of relationships be- from her apartment, where she lies tween the film’s main characters and is trapped. The ending is both fitting & Patrick Tumilty a useful counterpoint to the upcoming poignant, if somewhat depressing. action. Although I have heard many com- Prior to release, this movie has been The opening scenes are shot by Rob’s plaints about the jerky, disorientating hugely hyped, with rumours spring- best friend Hud, using a hand-held camera work in movies such as Trans- ing up all over the web. The specula- camera. In the midst of Rob’s friends formers, I had no problems giving Clo- tion surrounding the movie is mainly wishing him farewell on camera, the verfield my full attention. due to a tantalising teaser trailer, but lights go out and things take a turn The fractured, stop-start nature of has also been fuelled by the shroud for the worse... Everybody rushes to the recording method really added au- of secrecy that has cloaked the whole the roof, where they are horrified to thenticity, especially given that much production process. Was the 10.30am see the distant destruction of sev- of the shooting was actually carried start and ensuing dash [my alarm clock eral towering skyscrapers by “some... out by T.J. Miller himself, the actor failed me again!] to Empire in Leicester thing.” The audience hear a forebod- playing Hud. It’s not revolutionary, but Square worth it? Let’s find out. ing moan from whatever is wreaking it’s a well-used device and I agree with According to producer J.J. Abrams this havoc, but we are kept waiting to Abrams’ opinion that this is what it of Lost fame, the idea for Cloverfield find out more. Hud continues filming would look like if someone was, “vide- was loosely inspired by the Godzilla- for the remainder of the movie on his otaping a spontaneous, horrific event.” themed toys he noticed on a trip to camcorder, stating, “people are gonna Consequently, we don’t see eve- Japan; not the most profound motiva- wanna know how it all went down.” rything that happens; we don’t hear tion for making a sci-fi motion picture. The main premise of Cloverfield is everything that is said. This really My expectations were anything but that a massive beast has emerged from helped keep me interested in what was sky-high as I took my seat, but hav- the sea near Liberty Island, beheaded transpiring. If you’re into action and ing recently watched Sidney Lumet’s the Statue of Liberty and proceeded creepy-crawlies [spoiler!], this movie brilliant Before the Devil Knows You’re to destroy downtown Manhattan. Not is definitely worth a watch and is any- Dead and the Coen brothers’ intrigu- until some way into the movie do we thing but boring. If we’re all going to die, can we at least make that home movie at last? 24 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Fashion Fashion Editor – Sarah Skeete [email protected] The Superficial Superstar Andy Warhol, the superficial surface of the enigmatic Andy Warhola by Sarah Skeete COOL

ndy Warhol reflected the away. In public he talked monosyllabi- [can’t] tell if [he’s] a genius or a retard”. once removed from himself. consumerist, celebrity cally, using simply yes, no and ‘I hadn’t Like Kate Moss (prior to breaking Andy was representative of a gen- nature of modern society. really thought about it’. He peppered her public silence) below the surface eration, using fashion as one of their A Some argued that his art his speech with ums and uhs, manag- he seemed to be a void. People could means, to create a public image, their was all surface, easily rec- ing to talk without saying much at all. interpret him as they wanted. He re- own persona. It inspires a fashion phi- ognisable images that were essentially Any criticisms of his art he publicly mained meaningless so that people losophy embracing the superficial yet meaningless. I believe Andy Warhol agreed with, giving nothing of his true could only guess about the man behind rejecting nihilism. In taking the mean- delighted in taking the superficial, and feelings away. As Warhol once said, the mask. He seemed to put everything ing away from fashion you can either showing that while it’s meaningless in it’s fascinating when a person puts up a step away from himself. Even the way be shackled by image, or free to create itself, it has personal meaning as an el- a blank front, “because you absolutely he painted, using silk screening, was what you wish. Neat Hair ement of popular culture. I think we’re all getting In a way, the 20th century was a crys- fairly tired of the drug-addled tallisation of the increasing individual- scoundrel look Pete Doherty ism of society. In the past people lived has epitomised for years. and worked together and the group Boys, get out the hair pomade meant more than the individual. Now and thin-toothed combs, we’re people live in wider communities and all going to look like we did on more autonomously and individual- our first day of school! ised. Mass production and mass media increasingly tie society together. This new mass age also allows you to create and proliferate images and ideas. It’s an environment that makes it possible to construct a public persona, it gives a means to propagating your image. Warhol’s celebrity paintings weren’t about the person behind the star they were entirely about the surface. For all we really know about celebrities is the persona they project to the media. Vans Shoes They are people turned into a brand Vans success in the footwear for public consumption. It’s the myth market means there’s finally that launches them to stardom, with- some sort of Indie-cult rival out it they’re just any other person. to Chuck Taylors. The now As a child, Warhol fell in love with ce- ever-familiar slip-on style lebrity, the world of films and stars. He is being mimicked by other was a veritable movie junkie, collecting brands. Does anyone else find the free publicity stills in a box. It was them really impractical in the early on in his life he began construct- winter? I think I’ve got frostbite ing a persona about himself, picking up on my little toes, and due to affectations from film stars, emulating their absolute intolerance to his idols’ gestures and personal tics. even the smallest amount of Warhol found his persona useful in liquid, never mind rainfall, you career, it gave him notoriety but also constantly have stupidly cold anonymity. When starting out as a and wet feet? commercial artist he took to wearing the same khaki trousers and beat up t-shirt everyday. Even when he started making enough money to dress well, he’d put on his ‘Raggedy Andy cos- tume’ when going out to meet clients. He found they liked the idea of hiring a poor starving artist. He also, of course, famously wore a white wig, drawing a veil over his real Online Sales age. He took pains to appear as blank as What is the point in online possible, to not give any part of himself sales? The initial shock of see- ing that coat you’ve admired, for like, oh my Gawwwwd soooo long, at a fraction of its price is always counteracted by the fact the only available sizes are XXXL. If I was look- Calvin Klein, advertpalooza ing for something to keep my pet whale warm in, I’d buy it. Alas, unless you’re one of the sad people on this planet that sit at their computers click- ing ‘refresh’ at 6AM when the website’s sale starts, you’re never going to get anything. What tops it all off is the fact the coat you’ve been drooling over is now out of season, and has been taken off the web- site. Bastards.

Dan Wan LAME 24 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Fashion Fashion Editor – Sarah Skeete [email protected] The Superficial Superstar Andy Warhol, the superficial surface of the enigmatic Andy Warhola by Sarah Skeete COOL

ndy Warhol reflected the away. In public he talked monosyllabi- [can’t] tell if [he’s] a genius or a retard”. once removed from himself. consumerist, celebrity cally, using simply yes, no and ‘I hadn’t Like Kate Moss (prior to breaking Andy was representative of a gen- nature of modern society. really thought about it’. He peppered her public silence) below the surface eration, using fashion as one of their Some argued that his art his speech with ums and uhs, manag- he seemed to be a void. People could means, to create a public image, their A was all surface, easily rec- ing to talk without saying much at all. interpret him as they wanted. He re- own persona. It inspires a fashion phi- ognisable images that were essentially Any criticisms of his art he publicly mained meaningless so that people losophy embracing the superficial yet meaningless. I believe Andy Warhol agreed with, giving nothing of his true could only guess about the man behind rejecting nihilism. In taking the mean- delighted in taking the superficial, and feelings away. As Warhol once said, the mask. He seemed to put everything ing away from fashion you can either showing that while it’s meaningless in it’s fascinating when a person puts up a step away from himself. Even the way be shackled by image, or free to create itself, it has personal meaning aa an el- a blank front, “because you absolutely he painted, using silk screening, was what you wish. Neat Hair ement of popular culture. I think we’re all getting In a way, the 20th century was a crys- fairly tired of the drug-addled tallisation of the increasing individual- scoundrel look Pete Doherty ism of society. In the past people lived has epitomised for years. and worked together and the group Boys, get out the hair pomade meant more than the individual. Now and thin-toothed combs, we’re people live in wider communities and all going to look like we did on more autonomously and individual- our first day of school! ised. Mass production and mass media increasingly tie society together. This new mass age also allows you to create and proliferate images and ideas. It’s an environment that makes it possible to construct a public persona, it gives a means to propagating your image. Warhol’s celebrity paintings weren’t about the person behind the star they were entirely about the surface. For all we really know about celebrities is the persona they project to the media. Vans Shoes They are people turned into a brand Vans success in the footwear for public consumption. It’s the myth market means there’s finally that launches them to stardom, with- some sort of Indie-cult rival out it they’re just any other person. to Chuck Taylors. The now As a child, Warhol fell in love with ce- ever-familiar slip-on style lebrity, the world of films and stars. He is being mimicked by other was a veritable movie junkie, collecting brands. Does anyone else find the free publicity stills in a box. It was them really impractical in the early on in his life he began construct- winter? I think I’ve got frostbite ing a persona about himself, picking up on my little toes, and due to affectations from film stars, emulating their absolute intolerance to his idols’ gestures and personal tics. even the smallest amount of Warhol found his persona useful in liquid, never mind rainfall, you career, it gave him notoriety but also constantly have stupidly cold anonymity. When starting out as a and wet feet? commercial artist he took to wearing the same khaki trousers and beat up t-shirt everyday. Even when he started making enough money to dress well, he’d put on his ‘Raggedy Andy cos- tume’ when going out to meet clients. He found they liked the idea of hiring a poor starving artist. He also, of course, famously wore a white wig, drawing a veil over his real Online Sales age. He took pains to appear as blank as What is the point in online possible, to not give any part of himself sales? The initial shock of see- ing that coat you’ve admired, for like, oh my Gawwwwd soooo long, at a fraction of its price is always counteracted by the fact the only available sizes are XXXL. If I was look- Calvin Klein, advertpalooza ing for something to keep my pet whale warm in, I’d buy it. Alas, unless you’re one of the sad people on this planet that sit at their computers click- ing ‘refresh’ at 6AM when the website’s sale starts, you’re never going to get anything. What tops it all off is the fact the coat you’ve been drooling over is now out of season, and has been taken off the web- site. Bastards.

Dan Wan LAME Friday 1 February 2008 felix 25 [email protected] Fashion Three superawesome winter looks

Urban Outfitters Topshop American Apparel

Sponsored by: 26 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Technology Technology Editor – James Finnerty [email protected] The Big Screen on a budget Andrew Slater and James Finnerty show readers how home-cinema can be cheap

o you like watching TV? Like video games? Like James Finnerty films? If you are thinking Technology Editor yes to any of these, then D we’ve got a bit of treat elcome once again in store for you. The thing most of us the Tech section. suffer from at Imperial, is not being This week we have able to afford some of the more expen- put together a sive luxuries that exist. The world of W Home Cinema is- big TVs and surround-sound systems sue focusing on explaining what you tends to fall into this category, but not should look for in good equipment and necessarily. This where we step in. We more importantly for us, good value thought we would put together a home equipment. cinema on a budget and see what sort Now there has been a decent of results were produced. chunk of news this week, so in this If you want to buy a reasonable TV editorial I’ve decided to run through these days you’ll be going HD. At the some of the forefront news and whack moments there exists two flavours of the rest in the headlines section on the High Definition. These are 720p and next page. So lets get one with it. 1080p, the latter is the better. If you As mentioned in previous issues, Ap- don’t know what these numbers mean ple is claiming sales figures of above 4 it refers to number of lines of pixels million iPhones. Sounds great doesn’t that the TV can display. So the more it, but not when you delve a little deep- lines you have the more pixels you er. AT&T, the network all American have and therefore you get a sharper iPhones are on, has reported it only has picture. At the moment 1080p televi- 2 million iPhones on it’s network and sions, of a decent quality, are beyond the European networks ( O2 here and the price range of many students so we T-Mobile in Germany ) have reported are going to focus on the 720p range of totals of around 700,000. There is a big televisions. Now you might think why discrepancy there. Some of this, how- is high definition so important? Well ever, can be attributed to large stocks of if you’re asking yourself this, then it I think this is about the most generic picture of a home-cinema I could find, self explanatory really the phones in warehouses that haven’t might not be. If you just use your TV been sold to the public yet. This isn’t for watching TV, as absurd as it sounds, shocking but what is, is that it is be- then you won’t have much need for it. practice a lot of people go for the big- Another factor to consider when does sell better. In the end you can ac- lieved a significant number of these Where it comes into it’s own is the dis- gest television they can afford ignor- buying a set is what inputs it has to tually spend more money on a speaker have been unlocked from the “compul- play of cinema quality-films and PC- ing all other factors. This never a good take. HDMI is the big buzzword right setup than you do on your display, this sory” networks. It’s predicted if these quality gaming in your living room. idea. If a set is low quality, the bigger now, as it is a discrete input that can is thanks to the legions of audiophiles, figures continue then this could have a The next most important thing is you make the screen the more obvious carry HD video and audio in a single as they like to be known, who pride large impact on Apple’s profits. not the size of the screen but what we the low quality will be. Go for HD TV package. Also you will probably want themselves on owning equipment that Online-auction kings eBay have an- call the contrast ratio. Decent student and find a range with a decent contrast to consider what legacy inputs you costs more than the house they’ve put nounced a change of charging. The models now have a ratio in the range ratio. Then at this point you should need. You may have some old games them in. In the end you can get a good cost to list an item has been halved but of 5,000:1 to 20,000:1. What this fig- compare the prices of different sizes to consoles laying around or even a VHS enough 2.1 speaker setup for around this money is made up by increasing ure refers to is the luminosity of the your budget and strike where the two player that you still want to use and £100. the fee if an item is sold. Basically this display’s brightest colour (white) to its meet. these guys are not friendly with the So now you’ve decided on the ac- just lowers the risk if your item does darkest (black). The results of a low A good method for deciding the op- newer digital inputs. For these you will tual setup that you’ll be using for the not sell, as it will cost you less but if it contrast ratio is what you may have timum-sized TV to buy is to measure just need a couple of SCART sockets TV and speakers, it’s time to consider does, you will pay more or less the same seen on a cheap computer monitors, how far you will sit from it. The ratio of and a set of composite sockets. turning it into that home cinema sys- as before. This change has sparked areas of black appear as weird shades screen size to seating distance should There are two ranges of TVs that tem. There’s two main avenues that you debates about what would really im- of grey. be around 1:2.5. Any bigger and the you can’t really go wrong with. The can take, the “Media Centre PC” or the prove eBay- that is improved customer Now here’s the killer question- How image will start to overpower viewers Sony Bravias and Samsung Bordeauxs. console route. Each has their own ben- service to its users. Many people have big do you want? Actually, maybe that and any smaller, you may struggle to These are not the cheapest for their siz- efits, so lets have a look at both before received zero aid from eBay in resolv- should be- How big do you need? In see everything that is going on. es but their value is represented in very we decide. ing issues with sellers and buyers who, good contrast ratios and input options. I’m currently typing this article on through varied means, have taken both If you don’t want to go through every my media-centre PC using a wireless cash and item. model of television there is, just skim keyboard and mouse with the HDTV Also there are rumours forming these models to find the one you want. being my main monitor and some about a new PS3 package with a larger I would suggest spending around £400 FLAC Foo-Fighters going in the back- hard disk ( 120gb to 160gb ). Sony has - £500 in order to get the best quality to ground. This demonstrates the main announced that these rumours are false value ratio, you can go cheaper but it’s benefit of having a PC-based setup and which is a bit of a shame as it is one of not always a great idea. that is flexibility. From here I can load the Playstation’s weaker features. Also Moving onto speaker setups, the first up a game and play on the TV, listen to this week, I noticed that there has been thing you should decide is whether music with an HD visualisation, stream a slight price drop on most Xbox 360 you get a 2.1 setup or a lower quality media off the Net or watch anything packages of around £10 to £30. Not 5.1 setup for the same money. Now is from my downloaded or DVD collec- a huge drop but it does improve the more less, or is less more? Personally tion. Now it’s far easier to do this than value of the machine and makes it very I would suggest going for a better 2.1 many think, with the ability coming competitive against its rivals. setup as in the end you will be left with from a few upgrades. As you may be able to tell from pre- higher quality sound and ultimately a Almost any PC is suitable for a home vious reviews I’m a bit of a fan of the better experience. You may see pack- -media PC, your current PC may be Asus eeepc. Well much to my delight, ages offering 7.1 and higher but unless able to do everything right now! For and hopefully yours, Asus have an- you’re spending tens of thousands on the media PC you need a fairly basic nounced a new desktop- an all-in-one your living, these options aren’t worth box with a Pentium 4 3.0Ghz, 1GB TV PC and a PC monitor with a desk- their price tag. RAM and a basic graphics card being top built in. All of these devices follow There is one huge mistake I’ve seen plenty for multimedia functionality. on the laptop’s aims of being cheap and a lot of people make when they buy a Alternatively you can soup-up your providing fantastic functionality for set of speakers. You can spot it a mile box allowing for far more functional- their power. To add to this announce- off. When someone refers to their ity. By beefing up the RAM and adding ment, 8” and 9” versions of the original speaker setup by its wattage then you a TV-tuner you can turn the box into a laptop have been announced which will know they’ve bought some crap. Its Sky+ style media box with timeshifting, have the long-awaited WiMax technol- almost comparable to the aforemen- recording to hard disk and writing to ogy built in as well as a possible touch- tioned buying the biggest TV possi- DVD. TV-tuners are cheap now, from screen model. A tiny tablet would also ble. The maximum volume of a setup £30 upwards. When paying for a TV- probably sell well. has nothing to do with the quality of tuner, the higher-oriced products tend So with little left to ramble on about, the sound produced and even worse is to provide you with hardware encoding I will let you get on to the main feature the fact that a cheap setup has prob- and a remote control. This takes the of big screens and big speakers. Big speakers are great but not necessarily the best choice ably gone for power over quality as it stress off the processor when recording Friday 1 February 2008 felix 27 [email protected] Technology video and so keeps the PC stable and ensures the recording doesn’t skip. You Headlines we could upgrade the graphics card and have a monumental gaming PC setup couldn’t fit in or just shove a load of hard-drives in and keep your entire media collection on the single PC. There’s plenty of cas- es to choose from, so you might want to pick a slimline system for sitting by your TV. These systems can be found HD-DVD fights pre-built on the high street for around £500 and upwards, but as mentioned, back in the US it can be fairly easy to upgrade your own system up to scratch. So, does your box already have what it takes? You need to look out for a Nokia buys graphics card with a DVI output. These can be picked up for around £30 and Trollech are a simple upgrade for any PC, you may already have one! Then a simple DVI->HDMI cable will connect your PC to your TV, these are a few quid online or £15+ on the high street. Now O2 sweetens it’s your PC and TV are hooked up there’s This an expensive specialised Home Theatre PC (HTPC), but you can use any old PC for the job one final stage, the TV resolution. If iPhone package you have a 720p / 1080i TV you want to set your resolution to 1360x768, if built in TV-tuner management and component or HDMI, costing around percentage of non-high-definition me- you have managed to get a 1080p TV media library functions that can eas- £15) and plug it in. The Xbox 360 com- dia files from both the audio and video then crank it all the way to 1920x1080. ily be controlled by a remote. This is a municates with any XP or Vista ma- sides of the spectrum. Another nifty The only thing that this setup lacks is great choice if your PC already has it chines on the network and functions as feature is the PS3’s ability to browse Sky must sell stake the inclusion of an HD media drive, pre-loaded, if not then Windows Vista a “media extender”. Simply put, it will the internet. This is something it has which currently aren’t at the most (Home Premium & Ultimate) comes connect to the media library on any PC in common with its Japanese brother, in ITV student-friendly price point. There are with the Media Centre as well. Then and stream content over the network, the Wii. So if you prefer to browse the HD-DVD, Blu-ray and combination there’s MythTV, a customized Linux allowing you to watch DVDs and game Net from the luxury of your sofa you drives available, starting at £100 and distribution that comes with TV-tuner on the console and any other media can. Using the same feature set the PS3 the purchase of one of these will allow support and media centre software ri- (such as DivX video) from your desk- can also play media which has been at- CCTV must not be you to buy all those HD movies on the valling Microsoft’s system. This does top PC. The addition of an HD-DVD tached to it in the form of an external high street. turn your box into a Linux box how- drive (approx. £100) or the possible USB hard disk, so you can duplicate allowed to record Once your hardware is chosen, pur- ever, so take note that although free, Blu-ray player for the 360 will get you your media and watch them on the PS3 chased and loosely assembled with a you may lose gaming functionality or fully prepared for the high-def age. in a much more social setting. conversations hot glue-gun it’s time to choose the general software compatibility. A PS3 will give you a fully featured In the end all this equipment starts software. There are loads of choices for The alternative setup is to use one Blu-ray player by default as well as pro- to mount up, but we think that you can media centre software, ranging from of the current generations of console. viding some amazing quality high-def- put together a very versatile and im- those that cost you money, to those Both the Xbox 360 and the Playsta- inition games to get started on the new pressive home-theatre setup for under that are absolutely free. Microsoft tion 3 have media-centre functionality. setup. Sony are improving the media a grand. So if you split this between a Paypal buys an created Windows XP Media Centre Simply pick up the console, purchase functionality for the PS3 as time pass- few flatmates, you may not be as far Edition for exactly this purpose, with an HD connection for it (this will be es. At the moment it can play a decent out of pocket as you had thought. Israeli security firm

More camera than phone Yahoo cuts jobs David Lawrence explains why his camera, I mean phone, is better than yours Jenson Button s everyone knows, when it comes to camera reveals Honda’s phones the Sony Erics- son Cybershot range has new F1 car A always had the last word. Their latest addition, the K850i is still pushing the technology forwards. With a 5 Megapixel camera it is the US satellite could highest resolution camera phone avail- able on the market and with the Cyber- hit earth shot camera background from Sony, it has a high quality lens, allowing it to take outstanding pictures. When it comes to other media ca- pacity it still manages to hold its own Micro$oft profits as far as music. With a mini SD slot you can load it up with 2GB of you up favourite music and videos, not a lot I know but it'll make those bus or tube journeys in and out of Uni fly by with- out getting bored. However, internet access is where it begins to fall down. War on Scientology Unlike it's main Nokia competitors, it does not have Wifi built in. This is not a major issue for most people but as wireless internet hotspots expand, more people want to be able to get free internet on their phones. On the U2 calls for an end up side, if you get this phone on Voda- fone you can use Vodafone Live to read Nokia N95 - Anything you can do, I can do better to media piracy all the latest news headlines and keep track of sports results for free. My main niggle with this phone is expecting. I'm really hoping that a fu- with them and if you get one of these on the market as long as mobile in- the time delay which almost seems to ture firmware update will speed things phones, you will soon be joyfully ham- ternet access isn't an issue. The new have been put in on purpose. Many a up. Other people have told me of con- mering the screens of every other button layout allows for a significantly Nutritional pills time I have to wait for the phone's un- cerns about the soft touch buttons on phone wondering why nothing is hap- larger screen and the lack of moving derpowered processor to get around to the screen being too sensitive, so you pening (yes I have done this). parts makes it highly durable, coupled for prisoners working out what button I just pressed can press them by accident. All I can Overall, once you get used to this with a new, more protective camera and then finally show the menu I was say is that I have found no problem phone, I would say it's one of the best lens design. 28 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Games Games Editors – Azfarul Islam and Sebastian Nordgren [email protected] This Week

Azfarul “Az” Islam Resident Evil: Redux Ticket to Ride: Europe Play this when it’s sunny Monkeys = brilliant (no durr) Games Editor are back, my friends! it’s been a rather slow month for gam- ing – a true set of doldrums that refuse to end. Fortuitously, it’s I been punctuated with the large It’s raining... raining blood exclamation mark that is the Devil May Cry 4 demo. Eduardo Vasquez-Silva unfurls his umbrella revealing an unholy armoury within For those uninitiated, Devil May Cry is a series of slick action games where the focus is to make your own epic eye candy. The games offer a flexible, mercurial repertoire of moves that one can apply in whatever way imagineable to drive the style meter to the ever- coverted S (Stylish) or, with the last game, SSS (SStylish, durr). For those who like challenge, DMC has consist- ently offered in spades, doing away with cookie-cutter enemies that stand Review back so you can feel powerful. Here, complacency is rewarded with a gory death whereas rhythmic reflexes and an eye for panache are juxtaposed with true gratification. DMC4 continues the proud trends set by the first and third s the name implies, Um- during the game, so keep your eyes them, of course. and left-for-dead genre, with lots of iterations (the third one was a boring, brella Chronicles tells open! These include automatic pis- The game’s presentation is good. The secrets to find, different routes and tame affair by DMC standards; still a the story behind the fall tols, shotguns, machine guns, rocket atmosphere is tense and the dark array weapons to unlock, a 10+ hour cam- decent action game, mind you). of Umbrella Corp. by re- launchers and magnums, among oth- of colours really works (it makes Mario paign (which can be played also with a Visually, it maintains the sombre A visiting Resident Evil 0, 1 ers. All the weapons in the game can Galaxy look like you are high on mush- friend… or your mom, whatever makes Gothic (in a good way, I swear) un- and 3. This game has the signature at- be upgraded by spending stars you ob- rooms… HA! geddit?) .The graphics you happy), while getting a feel of what dertones in terms of character design mosphere and looks of a Resident Evil tain at the end of each mission, based may be a bit behind RE4, but the de- the story behind RE is and present- and architecture. Technically, it’s also a game but, like RE4, it strays from the on your performance, which is a nice structible levels and the torch levels ing an all-new episode. This is a game rather brilliant looking game, offering traditional formula and goes for a first- incentive to come back and try to im- later in the game really make up for it. that can really be enjoyed by everyone, crisp, detailed visuals and a luxuriously person perspective – much like an prove your high scores. The sound effects are good, although even those who aren’t too familiar with smooth frame rate (which is quite im- arcade light-gun game. It may sound When it comes to actual gameplay, the music sometimes doesn’t fit very the franchise, but RE fans will love portant in the context of fast-paced ac- shallow, but you’d be surprised by the it’s easy to see that UC has gone for well and the dialogue can be a bit dull. the chance of re-visiting the mansion tion games). amount of length, depth and variety action and pinpoint accuracy rather Overall, UC really manages to do and Racoon City from a thrilling new Similarly, the gameplay itself is still UC has to offer. than scares and quick reactions. This very well in a seemingly restrictive perspective. pretty damn awesome. Newcomer is emphasized by the fact that all en- Nero’s arrival introduces the Devil emies have a ‘sweet spot’ that will usu- Bringer which allows for all manner of ally award you with a one shot kill. grappling and distance-based combos This is especially gratifying when you whereas the Exceed system gives dar- see a crimson head’s… head blow up ing players the chance to rev up (pun to pieces when rushing towards you; intended, as you’ll see) their attack although, it can be frustrating at times strength. The game gives you a taste when you keep missing (you might end of the bosses on offer with the fiery up begging the zombies to f***ing stay demon Berial who seems to be trying still). to give the Balrog of Morgoth a run for The fact that you are ‘on rails’ actu- its money. He’s tough, he’s massive and ally adds to the sense of anxiety RE being wreathed in flames hasn’t appar- games are known for, because you can- ently helped his temper. it’s quite a fun not run away and you have to kill pret- battle since you get to witness the true ty much everything you see coming to- power of the Devil Bringer as you lit- wards you. Even if they catch up to you, erally lay the smackdown on the fiend. though, you usually have the chance to Also, expect to get your butt whooped counterattack by either shaking the – a lot – since the somewhat enclosed nunchuck or quickly pressing specific arena means that your dodge roll abili- buttons, but these events can some- ties have to up to scratch to avoid his times be a bit unforgiving. Clearly, certain aspects were omitted from the job description sword swipes. Pain. Smile for posterity now As you progress, you will notice that Besides that, I have the pleasure of even during quiet moments you are still announcing another Expansion (har meant to shoot stuff, as lamps and fur- har) to Felix Games in the form of To begin with, there are two control niture usually contain ammo, health or ‘TableTops’. This is where we cover schemes to choose from: you can either secret documents that help boost your board games. Yes, you read that cor- use the wiimote on its own or use Wii score – just make sure you leave some rectly: board games. No, this isn’t Zapper settings. I personally prefer the lamps on though – you don’t want to some tablet-top uber-geek fest, as well. latter, where you hold the wiimote and end up walking in the dark!. Rather, we aim to bring to attention Zapper with your right hand and hold Boss battles are also present and they certain ones that are sophisticated in the nunchuck with your left hand. This are some of the most memorable mo- design, addicting to play and robust in makes the game a little more immer- ments of the game, like jumping 50+ execution. We start off with a little gem sive as you feel like you are holding a meters in the air as Wesker when fight- called Ticket to Ride that’s been earn- gun and it helps you reload by shaking ing those weird-ass massive-shade- ing a gamut of awards across the world. the nunchuck instead of the wiimote, wearing Russian droids or wondering And with good reason, as you’ll see. helping you keep a steady aim. how the hell Nemesis manages to take As always, your comments, critique, Before you take on any mission, you five rockets to the face and still man- flames, articles and credit card details are asked to choose a character (which age to look straight! The battles require should find their merry way along to does not affect gameplay at all) and pattern memorisation and choosing [email protected]. Have fun pick from a wide selection of weapons, the right weapon to do the job, as long and don’t let the dice bite. which are unlocked by collecting them as you still have some ammo left in “No honey, I swear I’m not trying to kill you... honest!” Friday 1 February 2008 felix 29 [email protected] Games TableTops: Ticket to ride Byte “All aboard for London, Paris, Moskva and L’ost Houres of Sleepe” yells Tim Barrett On A Rainy Day

http://www.experimen- talgameplay.com/game. php?g=5

On A Rainy Day is an odd one. icket to Ride is an abso- be claimed by only a single player.The winning the game of the year in Ja- ability, making it as appealing as classic Another game from the guys lutely top-notch game longer the routes, the more points they pan, France, Finland, Sweden, Spain titles like Monopoly or Cluedo, while at the Experimental Gaming with broad appeal, play- earn. Additional points come to those and Spiel de Jahres (Germany’s Family still being as compelling and robust Project – it’s a game that we ing in less than an hour who can fulfill Destination Tickets – Game of the Year) – the most coveted as Settlers of Catan and Carcassonne. can’t forget for reasons that T and providing much secret goal cards that connect two dis- prize in the board games industry . In other words, it’s a “gateway game”: would worry any psychoana- depth without being over-complicated. tant cities; and also to the player who Within eight months of being released fantastic for new players, and equally lyst worth his salt. Just wait a One of the most popular board games builds the longest continuous route. in March 2004, Ticket to Ride sold more brilliant for hardened veterans of non- second while we explain: Rainy designed in recent times, Ticket to Ride The game has a nice risk-taking ele- than 250,000 packs. It has spawned digital fare. Day is a game in which you is a simple yet strategic game of con- ment, as players must be cautious not four editions – USA, Europe (the ver- The game itself is hard to criticise as build a tree. A tree of hands. necting cities with trains. to take too many Destination Ticket sion we played), Marklin/Germany there are very few weaknesses in this Hands that are holding umbrel- Ticket to Ride is so simple to learn cards, for fear of heavy penalizations at and Switzerland – with a fifth (Nordic format – the only slight issue is the las. Why are they holding um- that it’s hard to write a summary with- the game’s conclusion. There are plen- Countries) on the way. board orientation which means that brellas, you ask? Because it’s out giving away all the goodies. The ty of things to watch, no dice to roll As play continues the board begins depending on what side of the game rainy, and otherwise the paper rulebook is just 4 pages long (including and you are mostly in control of how to fill with routes, pressure builds as you are playing it is difficult to read the boats that are floating by on the illustrations)! As a result, the game- well you succeed; of course, there are each player becomes increasingly con- city names upside-down. Also a basic the river beneath would sink. play elements behind Ticket to Ride plenty of ways to try to hinder others’ cerned about completing their destina- knowledge of geography does help in It’s bizarre, but charming can be understood in 3 minutes, yet progress. Although unique in format, tion tickets. Will they succeed before locating the cities on your tickets as enough to keep you interested. players face strategic and tactical deci- it draws on the set-collecting aspect of another player blocks their cities? Can prolonged scanning of the board or It’s worth playing just to get a sions that vary with every turn. Play- the classic card game Rummy and thus they take over the long-haul routes to asking a fellow player can give away single red boat through and ers collect cards of various types that feels familiar to many players. get bonus points? Will they gamble on your planned route. witness the rain of umbrellas are then used to claim railway routes Both experienced players and new- cutting through the tunnels? With each Really, unless you’re just totally un- and hands that follows in one connecting various cities across a map comers alike find tension grows with turn, the decision to claim a train route able to appreciate any board game, of the most Dali-esque mo- of Europe. The routes are of differing each succeeding turn with winning now or draw more cards becomes ever Ticket to Ride is a must have for your ments in any game, ever. A lengths (requiring varying numbers of strategies seemingly endless: no won- more crucial. gaming closet. The fun, ease of play wonderfully surreal experience matching coloured cards), and each der Ticket to Ride is one of the most Unlike a lot of new board games, and replayability all make Ticket to Ride that really brings out the best discrete route marked on the board can honoured board games in the world; Ticket to Ride succeeds in its approach- great value for your gaming pound. in indie gaming.

Sebastian Nordgren Bloons

http://www.ninjakiwi.com/ bloons.html

OK guys, stop me when this game concept starts to sound familiar: you control a monkey. First Europe, then the World See what we did there? Hehe... Nooooo, you bastard, not there! Who throws darts. At balloons. No one? Ah well, no matter. Suffice to say that it works, in that cartoony Flash game style that we all know and love. The goal of the game is sim- ple enough: pop all the bal- loons using a limited number of darts, but the execution is splendid – challenging, but rarely frustrating and always equally rewarding. And with 250+ levels of balloon carnage to go through and multiple powerups and special balloons to keep it interesting, it can become a lifelong addiction. Much like heroin or World of Warcraft (neither of which Felix endorses, fyi.). Bloons is proof positive that monkeys and darts are meant to be together. Biologists, get on it.

Sebastian Nordgren

Alex prepares to lay down the station; it allows him to use our tracks Grow my precious train, groooow and devour them all! 30 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Fun & Games [email protected] Wordoku 1,394 The Polygon of Gigantic Guffaws

I S T L R T N TR S O A I T A I H S O N R A A E R E C E O C R E E A S E R C How to rate yourself: Last week’s solution: How to play Under 8 words: Ordinary people live and The seven letter word was: Using the letters given, not more than Solution to 1,393 Wordoku is identical to Sudoku; learn. You just seem to live. Now go away once, make as many words as possible. we’ve just replaced numbers with or I shall taunt you a second time. DYNAMIC They must be at least four or more let- G E M T H N S O I letters. Once you’ve completed the ters long and each word you come up with H O S I M E N G T puzzle, there is a hidden phrase to 8 - 13 words: Calling you stupid would be Congratulations if you got dynamic... must include the central letter. T I N S O G H E M find. Email answers to sudoku. an insult to stupid people. Don’t feel bad, ahem! Capitalised words, conjugated verbs I N T O G M E H S [email protected]. a lot of people have no talent. (past tense etc), adverbs ending in Other words included: “-ly”, comparatives and superlatives are E H G N I S M T O CLUE: Where is Felix? 14 - 19 words: Careful now, don’t let your disallowed. S M O E T H I N G brains go to your head. Must try harder! acid, acidy, amid, amin, amnic, ayin, cadi, Clearly a word that is not allowed this O S E M N T G I H The winner of Wordoku 1,393 caid, cain, candy, canid, cnida, cyan, cya- week is: sudoku, because you are clearly M G I H E O T S N was Sam Sharpe. The hidden 20 plus words: You’ve been straining nid, cyma, damn, maid, main, manic, ma- missing an s, u, d, o, k and u from the N T H G S I O M E phrase was “soemthing”. Cough. your brain. Nice one! nym mica, mina, myna and nicad. polygon. H to the o, r, o, sizzle copes – it’s the Horoscopes

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

This week it is the Just this week you Tomorrow, You find Terry’s dawning of your age. get some time to tomorrow never talk so fascinating Come on, you must yourself and you comes. What kind that you decide get that reference think, “I know, I’ll of fool, do they take to become a from the Sixties? take a bath and you for? Tomorrow, lumberjack. You Ah, I’m wasted read that book I’ve a resting place for realise that your on you. I am going to write you a horrible been meaning to read for weeks.” But shock bums. A trap set in the slums, but you know lack of feet might hinder your entry into the horoscope this week now. You are fucking and horror, at that instant your eyes fall out the score. You won’t take no for an answer, you world of all things arbourial. You decide to ugly, I mean seriously, horribly, terribly painful and your skin somehow converts to Caesium, were born to be a dancer now. It is a tragedy fashion prosthetic feet out of a lovely oak tree to observe. You inflict glaucoma on people by highly volatile upon contact with water. This then that you have no feet, just stumps. They in your garden. The skill with which you carve your mere presence. I threw up ten times just all puts a downer on your week, but don’t call you Stumpy Rick and it depresses you out some feet out of timber will demonstrate from talking about you. worry, eventually you’ll die. intensely despite laughing it off in public. your skill with trees you think.

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

So you wanna You give a little love Your depression On Wednesday you be a boxer in the and it all comes at lacking feet has climb to the top of golden ring? Can back to you, laa forced you into a the oak tree finding you punch like a laa la la-la-la-laa, depressive cycle a branch that you southbound freight you’re gonna be where every night will claim for your train? Tell me remembered for the you question your prosthetic feet. just one thing. Can you move in whirl like a things that you say and do, laa laa la la-la-la- own existence. Your pain and anguish have However, due to your lack of traction on the humming bird’s wings if you need to? Can you laa. Well, when I say you, I don’t mean you pushed you to the extreme that you plan on end of your legs, you slip and in your footlust bob, can you weave, can you fake and deceive personally because you’re a dick. Don’t take stealing feet from your housemates whilst fall to your death into a rosebush. The moral when you need to? Well, you might as well this personally but people have been talking they are asleep. Terry wakes up at 3am to find of the story is if you have no feet, then just quit because you are so depressingly ugly I just about you, and it is firstly, fucking disgusting you with local anaesthetic in one hand and a learn to walk on your hands. Or go round in a coughed up a child. and secondly, all true. hacksaw in the other. What will you do? wheelchair I guess.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

You could’ve been Upon hearing about In the heat of the The toilet has been anything that you Jeremy Beadle’s moment you explain looking very dirty wanted to be. But death you make a to him that you are recently so today don’t it make your witty comment that learning woodwork you decide to clean heart glad that you goes like this, “Well and want to practice it. In your zeal you decided, a fact you I guess Beadle’s on his chest-of- drop your wallet take pride in, that you became the best at about... six feet under ground!” Your friends all drawers. The reason you have the anaesthetic down the toilet. However, your knowledge being bad? You could’ve been anything that laugh, but Jeremy’s bearded daughter, Jeremia you tell him is because you believe that wood of the sewer systems is questionable and you you wanted to be but instead you ended up at overhears your comment. She takes you to feels pain. Terry then spends 4 hours explain- flush the toilet thinking it’ll turn up in the Imperial studying Joint Maths and Computing, court, the jury are horrified and reinstate the ing to you how trees grow and you find his talk sink. I guess that Aeronautical Engineering depressed and alone. Oh and ugly. death penalty just for you. So shut up. immensely interesting. degree amounted to nothing, Jov. Friday 1 February 2008 felix 31 [email protected] Fun & Games

Slitherlink 1,394 Answer for Slitherlink 13 2 2 Slitherlink 14 – Hard

Squares are not allowed either. There are never cells containing the number 4 in 2 3 Slitherlink. So, where do you start? The most com- mon place to start on a Slitherlink grid is by 3 3 2 drawing crosses around any zeros. Drawing crosses is purely done to so that you know where there can’t possibly be a line. So, take the pattern below as an example. Begin by 3 2 3 3 drawing crosses, then by filling in some lines: 2 2 3 1 3 How to play: x Crudely speaking, Slitherlink is simi- x 0 x 3 332 1 lar to Minesweeper mixed with a dash of x Sudoku. The object of the game is to draw lines be- 1 2 1 tween the dots to create one long, and most importantly, looping line. It should have no start or finish; just like an elastic band. Now the lines can only continue in the fol- 3 1 2 3 Each number indicates how many lines lowing directions: should be drawn around it, for example: 2 1 2 3 x x 0 x 3 2 2 3 2 x Cells which don’t contain a number can be surrounded by any number of lines. Remember, the line must form a loop, so 2 1 3 3 the line cannot branch. The following situa- Yeah, we realised that we printed the answer tions are not allowed: to last week’s Slitherlink in the same issue. Logic Puzzle: Interviews

Using the clues and logical deduction rial went for job interviews last week. went for an interview in Plymouth; 4. If Ellen lives in Birmingham, then who travelled on Wednesday lives in alone, work out how all the people Each student lives in a different town otherwise she lives in Reading and she went for an interview in Plymouth; Worcester and the one who travelled involved in the match relate to each and each drove to a different place drove to Birmingham. otherwise ellen lives in Worcester and on Friday went to Birmingham. other. The puzzle can be solved with- on different days. Can you discover went to St Ives. out guesswork. Make use of the grid to where each lives, together with their 3. If the student who lives in Pockling- 6. If the woman who travelled on Tues- mark the combinations that you know. destination and the day on which they ton went to Birmingham, then she’s 5. If the woman who travelled on day went to Redhill, then she’s Ellen travelled? Fran; otherwise the student who lives Wednesday lives in Birmingham, then otherwise the woman who travelled Read through each clue and make any in Pocklington is Wendy and she went the woman who travelled on Friday on Tuesday is Fran and she went to obvious or stated deductions. Find the 1. If the student who travelled on to Tubridge Wells. went to Redhill; otherwise the woman Plymouth. corresponding row and column on the Thursday is Gina, then she lives in grid and place a tick for ‘Yes’ in the box, Reading; otherwise the one who trav- Home Town and a cross for ‘No’ in the cells next to elled on Thursday is Sandra and she Interview this one vertically and horizontally. lives in Ilfracombe. (Any similarities Town to persons living Five final year students from Impe- 2. If Fran lives in Ilfracombe, then she or dead are purely coincidential!) ILFRACOMBE READING POCKLINGTON WORCESTER PLYMOUTH REDHILL ST IVES TUNBRIDGE WELLS TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY This week’s texts: BIDEFORD BIRMINGHAM MONDAY

“FS is a sexy beast, JS” ELLEN FRAN “Yesterday I got groped in a club and my friend said i should be flattered. I GINA was not best pleased.” SANDRA “I didn’t write that last week... from CC” WENDY MONDAY “This is God. I’ve decided to erase you from the universe.” TUESDAY

“If quizzes are quisical, what are WEDNESDAY tests?” THURSDAY 07980 148 785 “Según Felix, Borja, usted no ha FRIDAY dejado ningún mensaje para mí. Soy solitario. Lo único que deseo hacer BIRMINGHAM debe lamer los dedos del pie, uno por Last week’s solution: TEXT US! OR uno, y el juego con sus rótulas. ¡Por PLYMOUTH favor contestación!” REDHILL Name Room No. Floor Length of Studies WE WILL SPAY Brian 11 6 3 years “I like to sniff new books for that ST IVES Daniel 3 4 9 years THE CAT! “Mmm, fresh” sensation. Am I ill?” Iago 19 7 1 year TUNBRIDGE WELLS Jane 13 5 2 years Louisa 5 Analyst 3 6 years 32 felix Friday 1 February 2008 Picture of the Week No. 1 Picture of the Week by Andrea Carrara Road to Destiny, Aeronautical Engineering Second Year want to exhibit your art. Send in photographs. We [email protected] Friday 1February 2008

Picture of the Week No. 2

Climbing Dune 45, by Christopher Shott Fourth Year Chemical Engineering

We want to exhibit your art. Send in your photographs. [email protected] felix 33 34 felix Friday 1 February 2008 Coffee Break with Chuck Norris [email protected] Chuck likes big butts and he cannot lie When a chick walks in with an itty-bitty waist, Chuck thinks “What the fuck is she doing at Imperial?”

fter last week’s article, nately it was filled with Americans on derstand is women. Chuck Norris’ email has joke courses such as “Golf-ball Clean- Women are both fascinating and been inundated with ing Studies” and “Midget Workforce scary. Of course, Chuck Norris isn’t emails from fangirls. But Management”. afraid of anything – he does sleep at A Chuck Norris has little Not only do they come to London for night with his light on, but that’s only use for women. To Chuck Norris, the joke courses, but they can’t take their because the dark is afraid of Chuck word wife is an acronym that explains alcohol either. Unlike Chuck Norris, Norris. But women, they are incompre- what women are for: washing, ironing, who has never had an alcohol prob- hensible. One minute they love Chuck fucking, etc. lem (although alcohol has had a Chuck and send him love letters, like the hot- Statistics speak for themselves: 50% Norris problem), they always seem to tie fangirl on the left, and the next day of women have lower than average IQ. end up outside on the ground, cry- they act as cold as the dead thetans That’s pretty amazing when you com- ing, like last Friday. They even had the Chuck has scattered all over the world, pare it to guys, of whom 50% have a cheek to argue that Ringo Starr is the as if Chuck had roundhouse kicked the higher than average IQ. worst Beatle, and that the New York girl in the face and then impregnated Girls usually played a very small role Giants are the best team. Chuck Norris her. That is impossible because Chuck in Chuck Norris’ life, but the years have promptly gave them a roundhouse kick Norris’ bearded little legion of swim- not been kind to Chuck, and recently in the face. mers only do what Chuck Norris tells he’s been longing for some lovin’ from Do note, though, that Chuck Norris them to do! the weaker sex. That’s not to say that has nothing against Americans. In fact, So next week Chuck Norris will any males are the stronger sex. at least some of his best friends are Americans! be out on the prowl in dBs; although not compared to Chuck. Anyway, back to the topic of girls. Chuck Norris does not dance, he Chuck Norris likes girls of all kinds, Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman roundhouse kicks to the sexy beat! and all kinds of girls like Chuck Norris. in the world once a month. That’s the Ladies should be aware that Chuck Lesbians do not exist for Chuck Nor- reason they bleed every month. Un- Norris is always on top when he has ris, as lesbians are women who have fortunately, it also causes them to get sex, because he never fucks up. not yet met Chuck. pretty irritable. Chuck Norris knows a In closing I’d like to say: there are two All of last week, Chuck Norris was lot of things, even where Wally is hid- fish in a tank. One shouts to the other: busy checking out the union. Unfortu- Some fans have emailed in suggestive photos as a sign of admiration ing, but one thing Chuck does not un- “You man the guns, I’ll drive!” Chuck Norris wants more CNUT

The lack of girls in Imperial has been taking a toll on poor Chuck Norris. The girls are all either indistinguish- able from guys, weigh as much as five 1 2 3 4 guys, act like guys, or are guys. Just drop into the Sci-fi library. Eve- ryone has long black hair and a long black trenchcoat, regardless of gen- der. Chuck Norris approves of this equality! For this week’s sweet CNUT, you have to guess whether the person in the photos on the right is engaging in sexual activity (of any kind) or they are just extremely happy (or scared) to see Chuck Norris. This way, Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird — the quiz is done, and his sexual appetite is satiated. Once again, send your answers to [email protected] for the chance to win a prize at the end of term, which may or may not include alcohol and a Chuck Norris mug. Chuck Norris promises to get the league table ready by next week, so good luck and remember, if at first 5 6 7 8 you do not succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Last week’s answers

1 & 2. American Psycho / Patrick Bateman 3. Top Gun / Maverick 4. 300 / King Leonidas 5. Pan’s Labyrinth / Pale Man 6. Godfather I / Vito Corleone

Wally was on page 18 in Arts! Friday 1 February 2008 felix 35 Hillbillies win Imperial Idol Lizzie Bolton reports on Save the Children society’s fund-raising talent show held in dB’s on Monday

ontestants, compères, talent, including Matt Woods, who To Love’, but it seems she could have judges and organisers all successfully opened the show with his had the pick of the audience as they ensured that the audience own James Blunt-esque interpretation had clearly fallen for her. Evidently, was well-entertained all of ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’. An- Emily May is a born performer. C night. other soloist who caught my attention Dinachi Onuzo and Anita Fernando The judges panel comprised Dr Chris was Jeremy Eve, who could not only were two stunning soloists who sang as John, who provided most of the wit, Dr sing beautifully while playing the gui- great as they looked; according to the Steve Cook, who got more drunk as tar, but also wrote his own song. judges, however, their song choices let the evening progressed, Kay, who was Rina Endo got the crowd going with them down. Needless to say, a barrage the ‘Sharon Osbourne’ of the evening, her confident rendition of ‘I Love Rock of booing broke out. flirting with the male contestants, and n’ Roll’, followed by Malcom Sim whose But the judges didn’t always get it finally Alex Ross, who was supposedly professional, all-round performance wrong. In response to Matt Rinaldi the ‘Simon Cowell’ of the evening, but got everyone’s feet tappng with his ver- and Nour Fourali’s Britney Spears’ received abuse from fellow judge Chris sion of the Kooks’ ‘She Moves In Her medley, judge Dr. Chris John decided John for being too much of a ‘pussy’. Own Way’. that “the problem with saving the chil- Many of the soloists had incredible Emily May was in need of ‘Somebody dren is that two of them turned out to be [them],” to which judge Alex Ross proudly added “it was toxic” (I think he was more surprised by his own wit than the audience was). Nevertheless, Matt and Nour provided a very enter- taining, light-hearted performance, which the audience clearly enjoyed. The group ‘Old Lady’ would have been better off folding away the zim- mer, putting their feet up and watching ‘Countdown’ repeats. Alanis Morris- sette would have been less than im- pressed with their version of ‘Ironic’. Although it seemed that the judges didn’t enjoy the performance, they sure as hell enjoyed hurling abuse such as “you probably don’t deserve your degrees” at them. Luckily for them, Dr Chris John won’t be marking their dissertations. This leaves us with the three prize- winning acts. The gorgeous sisters Dehydys and Ibis Pimentel sang and danced their way to third place with Sisters: Dehydys and Ibis Pimentel their performance of ‘Heaven’. While this was controversial, the two man- Waaka Moni-Nwinia who sung Whitney Houston’s ‘I Have Nothing’ aged to sell the most tickets for the event, raising a great deal of money for Save the Children. rangement worked extremely well, out, don’t panic, the society is hopeful In second place was the hugely tal- entertaining both the audience and the that Imperial Idol will be repeated year ented Waaka Moni-Nwinia, who sang judges who could not fault them. The after year, so don’t forget to look out Whitney Houston’s ‘I Have Nothing’, winners were presented with a bottle for next year’s auditions. managing to make it look effortless. of champagne and a £200 prize. How- Save the Children managed to raise She would have definitely given Leona ever, they took everyone by surprise by over £1700 as a result of the 420 ticket Lewis a run for her money. Her beau- very generously donating the money to sales, ‘Krispy-Kreme’ sales and dona- tiful, powerful voice amazed the audi- Save the Children. tions. The money will go straight to ence, leaving goose-pimples tingling The compères, Shiv Chopra and Lau- Save the Children, helping children in up our arms. ren Waterman, provided the audience the UK and internationally, fighting for The bluegrass band ‘Jacob and the with an endless supply of witty com- change where change is needed and Hillbillies’ pizzicato-ed their way to ments, kept the judges in order and voicing the opinions to those not given success with their highly entertaining ensured seamless transitions between the chance to speak out. version of ‘Mamma Mia’. The band acts. Perhaps the two medics should The committee members have consisted of two talented violinsists, consider a change in career. high hopes and many more possible one of which amusingly serenaded The evening was a great success, the projects in the pipeline, including a the judges, a banjo player and Jacob audience loved it, the performers loved massive summer festival next year. So the singer/guitarist. The whole ar- it, and the judges loved it. If you missed watch this space!

The honourable judges

The event organisers with Queen’s Brian May (centre) whose daughter entered the competition The Winners: Jacob & the Hillbillies A Winter's Tale by Alexander Kendall

he omens were good – we had at least been given a new minibus which might not break T down… more than twice. After the usual bout of guess- es as to how long the drive will take, which always ends up being ‘about 6 hours’ regardless of where we’re going, the 13 of us finally left Lon- don for the North Pennines. I know that whoever is reading this wants a really detailed description of the journey but I’m going to deny you, and just say that it rained when we stopped for food - in the Midlands, that no-man’s land of Britain. We arrived in the tiny village of Melm- erby at about 1am and were greet- ed by a massive town hall which had central heating, a carpet and a shower! Compared to the usual Fellwanderers accommodation of a barn with some chickens and a few rabid dogs prowling the fence this was sheer luxury. The place even had a stereo system and - unfortu- nately - Now 65 - ‘Shakira Shakira’! Saturday dawned and as we start- ed the walk up into the Pennines we could look across the Eden Valley at the morning light hitting the snow on the top of the Lake District hills. We hoped that we would get some snow on our walk and Chris “El Presidente” teased us with ‘maybe a little, right on the top’. The tops of our hills were ob- scured from about 400m by cloud and we slowly made our way up, past several sheep carcasses and a large gully which Nathaniel and I wanted to slide down just before Told you it wasn’t solid enough to walk on seeing a sign that told us to keep to marked paths; apparently there - Great Dun Fell - we came across the snow storm. It wasn’t long before we iel, who doesn’t drink in January were Badgers nearby, or Cougars, expected radar station which loomed were free of the snow and then finally (WHAT!) drove the minibus to or a Griffin, anything was possible. out of the mist like something from the cloud as we again dropped below the next tiny village where there Soon after Gareth sank in a stream Doom. This was our lunch break and 400m on our return to the minibus, via was a pub, with a healthy selec- and we had tried and failed to play we sheltered behind one of the build- a river crossing, and again saw the Lake tion of cake. Everyone had a pret- baseball with a crow-bar and a sat- ings to get out of the wind. Most of District opposite bathed in sunlight. ty good, chilled-out time except suma, we hit the cloud line and as- us ate except for Gareth, who doesn’t That night we cried because the lo- for Gareth who beat everyone at cended into the mist. At about the get hungry or cold … ever … and de- cal pub was closed but luckily Nathan- pool and got drunk in true Fell- same time we began to notice small cided to build a snowman. Although it pockets of snow, prevented from wasn’t really a snow man but more of a melting by the cold; there was even snow possessed child and it scared us a light white dusting on the scree so much that lunch ended and we set we passed on the way up. ‘So this off again. The snow only got deeper as is the snow’ we thought as I tried we made our way over the next hill and and failed to throw tiny snow-balls then finally a short scramble took us at everyone. on top of the highest peak of the North Basically about 15 minutes later Pennines - Cross Fell at 893m. We we were in a blizzard; not only was ‘sheltered’ for a few minutes behind a the snow deep enough to fall into stone wall, built on many mountains by but it was coming from the sky. people who have nothing else to do. By This beautiful effect when inside a this point it was too cold to even throw cloud is called a ‘white-out’. It was snowballs and the lack of descriptive in these conditions we explored scenery in this report is simply due to an abandoned silver-mine which the fact that we couldn’t see anything. could have easily turned into a hor- The compass was used again to ror movie. For once Chris had to find our way off the mountain where crank out the compass, as we had we hoped to join up with the Pennine to take bearings up the hill, passing Way which snaked back into the Eden abandoned mining winches and Valley. Since everything was snowed frozen ponds. One of the ponds in or iced over this was nearly impossi- particular looked ‘solid enough to ble but we headed in the right direc- stand on’ and so I did, and fell in - tion and eventually found a path, after well my leg did anyway. So that was having to climb down the English ver- me cold. At the top of our first peak sion of the Hillary Step in a blinding “A snow possessed child” by Gareth wanderers style. Chris, Nath- aniel and I felt bad about not eating cake and so did – end of story. Hijacking the juke- box was fun until Martin put on Ronan Keating (Martin is German and so entitled to bad taste). The Sunday, which was cold, wet and very windy, saw eve- ryone wake up to Now 65 and Gareth wake up to a hangover. Amid fears that the possessed snowman of yesterday would follow us (he became radioac- tive and is alive, as if you need- ed reminding) we cleaned up the hall and, like true outdoor enthusiasts, sat in the café in the village for an hour before finally heading off for the Sun- day walk. Most of the group set off in the mini-bus for Al- ston for what was meant to be a short walk along the river but my initial aversion to do- ing a ‘flat’ walk the night be- fore had led to the decision to be dropped off several miles from Alston and to do a long ridge walk. Chris and Nath- aniel joined me as we left the bus and again walked up into Fellwanderers on top of the Pennines the cloud. The first words out of Chris’ mouth were “oh bug- ger, I forgot to the leave the 1 standing in Cumbria and ‘spraying wa- kilo rock in the bus” – he is a else. Like good students we went to the out incident, except that now the bus ter’ into Northumberland. There was pub. We did the walk in three hours. geologist and so collects these also some very interesting moss (okay smells like mud, wet, fish and chips, things. It turned out, an hour later when the kebab and cow-dung. Can you get ris- that’s my sad bit). We had guessed it others on the ‘shorter’ walk arrived Nevertheless our walk was would take us around four hours to get ing damp in a minibus? No wonder good, navigation through the that they had got lost (on one of the they normally give us the old ones. down into Alston and soon after the most well-marked long distance paths featureless bog-cloud scenery cloud was cleared by the biting wind made easier by the fact that in Britain) and had headed up into the we could see it, a small town nestled in moor in the rain. Needless to say eve- we only had to follow walls for the Pennines. A few barbed-wire fenc- most of the way. All three of ryone had fun and thanked us for not es, me getting an electric shock and leaving them a compass, the medical us fell into the marsh at some some gate-vaulting later, we arrived in point and had the pride of kit or any biscuits. The drive back and The End Alston to find the mini-bus, but no one the pub food were great and went with- 38 felix Friday 1 February 2008

Sport [email protected]

News in brief Is bigger always better? Andy Mitchell 8-12 repetitions over 3-4 sets with a in bed by 10.30pm at the latest each Energia Fitness Instructor rest period of one minute will opti- night. The body’s optimal time to re- Waterpolo continues BUSA mally increase muscle mass. It is also pair itself physically is between 1-3am In today’s society many people con- suggested to perform 2-3 exercises per and to do this effectively you need to success against UCL sider bigger to be better and this is muscle group to encourage muscle tis- be in a deep sleep which takes around true of the vast majority of gym users sue break down. 2 ½ to 3 hours to achieve. (predominantly the guys) who exercise The final component to increased It is therefore advisable to avoid hav- defence. Dmitry Pestov made a merely to get bigger muscles. These muscle mass is of course plenty of rest. ing a heavy workout prior to a big night Waterpolo string of impressive saves to main- people can be seen in the gym day af- It is during our periods of rest that the out in the Student Union as you will BUSA tain a level score. Unphased by the ter day pushing out rep after rep in the body rebuilds itself. Aim to allow at lose any benefit you may have gained score, Imperial regrouped and com- search for bulging biceps, perfect pecs, least 48 hours rest between exercising from your workout and develop a love- Imperial 10 pletely shut out UCL’s attack, the and amazing abs. Sadly all this time the same muscle groups and try to be ly beer belly! University College London 3 home team were clearly rattled and and hard work often fails them in their had no answer to IC’s aggressive quest to look good as they forget about tactics. With the score at 4-2 at half the importance nutrition plays in the Tim Keating time Imperial were in the driving grand scheme of things. seat, putting the opposition under Being big is not just about pumping As our strongest London rivals the considerable pressure. iron; you need to have the building UCL men’s team presented the first The second half saw IC run away, blocks available to enlarge the mus- true challenge in the BUSA tourna- scoring nearly a goal a minute. The cle mass that you already have. Dan ment so far. After a string of close defence was faultless leading to a Benardot, author of Nutrition for Se- previous meetings the men’s water series of break away goals, with rious Athletes, puts it nicely when he polo team had a score to settle and Imperial’s superior fitness clearly says “the nutritional key to building wanted to make an impact in their showing. The final score was 10-3, muscle mass is to consume enough debut season. an impressive score from a game of energy to support the larger mass.” In Imperial showed their intentions only two periods. With another vic- other words, if you are 80kg and want from the start with Jack Ellis open- tory under their belts the team will to move up to 85kg you need to eat ing the scoring from the first attack. go into the next game on Sunday as if you are 85kg. As you lift weights However, a string of errors resulted expecting nothing less than a win, you break your muscle fibres down, so in UCL taking the lead within three holding high hopes of further BUSA if you only eat enough food for your minutes, showing holes in the team’s success. 80kg frame all you will do is rebuild what you have broken down and not increase in size. It is recommended that you con- Imperial Team of the Week sume 1.5g of protein per kilogram of body weight per day if you are looking to increase muscle mass. Many gym users will take in much more protein than this in their daily diets and unfor- tunately more protein does not mean more muscle. Any excess protein in- take will either be used as energy or worse, stored as fat. Most of the extra food that you need to consume to in- crease in size is for the energy needed to support this increase. This means that your calorie intake needs to be higher and it is better if you increase calories through carbohydrates than by the extra protein that you consume. As mentioned in my previous article on carbohydrates it is recommended that you consume about 65% of your daily calories from carbohydrates. Tennis Women’s 1st Along with adequate protein and calorie intake, the variables of your The tennis ladies 1sts have been having a great season so far, winning 7 out of gym programme also play a big part their 8 games, and it looks like they might push for promotion this season. in increased muscle mass. Research shows that training within a range of Do you want to be the man in the mirror or the one looking at it?

Fixtures and Results in association with Sports Partnership

Saturday 26th January Sunday 27th January King’s Medicals Men’s 1st N/A ICU Men’s 3rd 1 Portsmouth Men’s 2nd 24 Football – ULU Football – ULU ICU Men’s 2nd N/A University of Bedfordshire (Luton) Men’s 1st 0 ICU Men’s 1st 12 ICU Men’s 1st 2 UCL Women’s 1st 1 Royal Holloway Men’s 2nd 0 ICU Women’s 1st 0 Reading Men’s 5th 4 ICU Men’s 4th 3 ICU Women’s 1st 29 ICU Men’s 3rd 3 St. George’s Men’s 2nd 0 Hertforsdshire Women’s 1st 35 Queen Mary Men’s 1st 5 Wednesday 30th January ICU Men’s 2nd 2 Badminton ICU Men’s 4th (ULU) 10 Kingston Women’s 1sr 3 Squash University College London Men’s 1st 2 King’s College London Men’s 3rd (ULU) 0 ICU Women’s 1st 0 King’s College London Men’s 2nd N/A ICU Men’s 3rd 2 ICU Men’s 1st 6 ICU Men’s 1st N/A Goldsmiths Men’s 1st 3 ICU Men’s 5th (ULU) 2 Buckinghamshire Chilterns Women’s 1st 0 ICU Men’s 2nd 2 University College London Men’s 5th (ULU) 3 ICU Women’s 2nd 2 LSE Men’s 1st N/A Royal Veterinary Men’s 1st 2 Brunel Men’s 1st 6 ICU Men’s 2nd N/A ICU Men’s 4th 1 ICU Men’s 6th (ULU) 3 Lacrosse ICU Women’s 1st 3 King’s Medicals Men’s (ULU) 4 Portsmouth Women’s 1st 1 Table Tennis Royal Holloway Men’s 4th 1 Cardiff Women’s 1st 5 ICU Women’s 1st 27 ICU Men’s 1st 13 ICU Men’s 5th 5 Queen Mary Men’s 4th (ULU) N/A Brunel Men’s 1st 4 Fencing ICU Men’s 7th (ULU) N/A Netball ICU Men’s 6th 6 ICU Men’s 1st 135 Queen Mary Women’s 1st 28 ICU Women’s 1st 4 St Barts & Royal Men’s 4th 2 University of Essex Men’s 1st 77 Portsmouth Women’s 2nd 0 ICU 1st 33 University of Brighton Women’s 1st 0 ICU Women’s 1st 0 Tennis University of Sussex Men’s 1st 135 St. Bart’s and the Royal 3rd 6 Tennis ICU Women’s 1st 10 ICU Men’s 2nd 101 Hockey ICU 2nd 45 ICU Men’s 1st 10 Reading Women’s 1st 0 ICU Men’s 1st 2 London Met Men’s 2nd 0 Football St. Mary’s Men’s 1st 4 Rugby Union ICU Men’s 1st 2 Portsmouth Men’s 1st 3 ICU Men’s 2nd 2 Reading Men’s 1st 0 ICU Men’s 2nd 7 ICU Men’s 1st 6 Chichester Men’s 1st 8 Canterbury Christ Church Men’s 2nd 0 Friday 1 February 2008 felix 39 [email protected] Sport Monitoring your heart rate Sports league high heart rates. Your MHR is used as Zone 70 – 80% will help develop a base number to calculate your Target your cardiovascular system. This is Team P W D L F A Diff % FI Heart Rate (THR) for exercising. If you the body’s ability to transport oxygen can’t get round to doing a MHR test to the working muscles and transport 1 IC Netball 1st 10 10 0 0 521 282 239 100 50 on a cardiovascular machine there are carbon dioxide away from the working 2 IC Tennis Women's 1st 10 9 1 0 76 23 53 90 47 many different formulas you can use muscles. As you get fitter you will im- 3 IC Squash Men's 1st 9 9 0 0 45 0 45 100 45 to estimate your MHR, the most com- prove your aerobic capacity. 4 IC Tennis Men's 2nd 10 9 0 1 74 26 48 90 41 mon being HR max = 220 – age. This Zone 80 – 90% will help to develop 5 IC Rugby Union Men's 1st 11 9 0 2 250 112 138 82 37 is only to be used as an estimate as it your lactic acid system and find out 6 IC Hockey Men's 1st 10 7 1 2 34 19 15 70 29 can very significantly depending on your anaerobic threshold. During this 7 IC Squash Men's 2nd 9 7 0 2 30 15 15 78 27 the individual. zone the amount of fat being used as 8 ICSM Netball 2nd 9 7 0 2 289 160 129 78 27 Your THR is a desired range of heart energy is greatly reduced and the gly- 9 IC Volleyball Men's 1st 7 6 0 1 12 3 9 86 26 rate reached during aerobic exercise to cogen stored in your muscles is used. 10 IC Volleyball Women's 1st 5 5 0 0 14 5 9 100 25 make your heart and lungs receive the One of the waste products of burning 11 IC Football Men's 1st 9 4 4 1 16 6 10 44 24 most benefit from a work out session. glycogen is lactic acid which builds up 12 IC Fencing Men's 2nd 6 5 0 1 761 660 101 83 21 THR can be calculated by using an in- in the working muscles. Your anaero- 13 IC Fencing Women's 1st 7 5 0 2 899 735 164 71 17 tensity range of 50% - 80% (see chart bic threshold is the point where your 14 IC Rugby Union Men's 2nd 10 5 2 3 232 162 70 50 17 below.) One way to calculate your THR body cannot remove lactic acid from 15 IC Football Women's 1st 7 3 31743 4317 is the Karvonen method, this uses your the working muscles quickly enough. 16 ICSM Badminton Women's 1st 5 4 0 1 30 10 20 80 16 Resting Heart Rate (RHR). The average There is only a certain amount of lac- 17 ICSM Hockey Women's 1st 9 5 1 3 54 20 34 56 15 adult male’s heart beats at 70 bpm and tic acid which the muscles can tolerate 18 ICSM Netball 1st 9 5 1 3 305 296 9 56 15 the average adult female’s heart beats before fatigue and soreness sets in and 19 IC Badminton Men's 1st 10 6 0 4 47 33 14 60 14 Holly Plumley at 75 bpm although again this can vary the exercise must be stopped. You can 20 ICSM Hockey Men's 2nd 10 6 0 4 28 24 4 60 14 Energia Fitness Instructor depending on the individual. To find delay the onset of fatigue through cor- 21 IC Lacrosse Women's 1st 8 5 0 3 78 50 28 63 13 your RHR count your pulse for one rect training of the lactic acid system 22 ICSM Football Men's 1st 8 3 3 2 13 12 1 38 13 Did you know your heart rate can be minute as soon as you wake up whist and you may be able to increase your 23 IC Table Tennis Women's 1st 6 4 0 2 17 11 6 67 12 used as an accurate way of measuring still in bed. You can average your heart tolerance to lactic acid build-up. 24 IC Hockey Men's 2nd 10 5 1 4 50 23 27 50 11 your aerobic exercise intensity and is rate over three mornings to obtain Zone 90 – 100% is only possible for 25 IC Hockey Men's 3rd 10 5 1 4 18 17 1 50 11 an extremely useful tool in monitoring your average resting heart rate. When short periods of time and can help to 26 IC Waterpolo Men's 1st 2 2 0 0 17 14 3 100 10 your progress to reach your training you have both your MHR and RHR you develop speed by training your fast 27 IC Netball 2nd 9 5 0 4 277 209 68 56 9 goals? can use the Karvonen formula THR = twitch muscle fibres. Only the very fit 28 IC Table Tennis Men's 1st 9 5 0 4 91 62 29 56 9 There are many types of heart rate ((HR max – HR rest) x %Intensity) + are able to train effectively within this 29 IC Hockey Women's 1st 10 4 2 4 35 32 3 40 8 monitoring devices available. The most HR rest zone. It is recommended you seek ad- 30 IC Rugby Union Women's 1st 3 2 0 1 79 40 39 67 6 popular and with the latest technology Making sure you are exercising in the vice about the correct way to train in 31 ICSM Hockey Women's 2nd 10 3 3 4 30 42 -12 30 5 are watches combined with a transmit- correct THR zone will improve your this zone due to the risks associated 32 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 3rd 8 4 0 4 202 148 54 50 4 ter belt. They work by strapping the progression at that particular intensity with high heart rates. 33 ICSM Hockey Men's 3rd 5 2 1 2 18 9 9 40 4 belt containing electrodes across your and enable you to achieve maximal re- Hopefully now you can find out if 34 IC Basketball Men's 1st 4 2 0 2 266 266 -20 50 2 chest and as you start exercising the sults. It is also a good way of keeping your current exercise sessions have 35IC Squash Men's 3rd 4202844 502 electromagnetic signal is sent to the you on track and maintaining motiva- actually been making a difference to 36 IC Badminton Men's 2nd 10 4 1 5 37 43 -6 40 2 watch receiver where the heart rate is tion to keep up your aerobic exercise you. If they haven’t then you should 37 ICSM Hockey Men's 1st 10 4 1 5 22 35 -13 40 2 displayed on the face. sessions. The different exercise zones now have an idea of what intensity you 38 IC Rugby Union Men's 3rd 9 4 0 5 165 147 18 44 0 Buying and using a heart rate moni- help specify the best THR for you to should be training at for certain re- 39 IC Fencing Men's 1st 7 3 0 4 817 798 19 43 -1 tor can only be beneficial to you if train in and therefore enhance your sults. If you can’t get hold of your own 40 IC Hockey Women's 2nd 10 3 2 5 13 39 -26 30 -1 you understand the heart rate read- fitness. heart rate monitor then fear not… our 41 ICSM Hockey Women's 3rd 10 4 0 6 18 24 -6 40 -4 ings you get when you’re exercising Zone 60 – 70% helps develop basic range of cardio machines in the gym 42 IC Squash Women's 1st 7 2 1 4 12 16 -4 29 -4 and also knowing what the limits are. endurance and aerobic capacity. It can have heart rate monitors built in which 43 IC Hockey Men's 4th 9 3 0 6 13 22 -9 33 -9 Firstly you will need to find out what also help you lose weight by fat burning you can use whilst your exercising and 44 ICSM Netball 3rd 8 2 0 6 162 210 -48 25 -14 your Maximum Heart Rate (MHR) is. which is when your fat provides some we can help you work out your THR 45 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 1st 8 2 0 6 133 239 -106 25 -14 This is the heart rate reading that you of the total energy you need to keep so you can get the most out of your 46 ICSM Football Men's 2nd 5 0 14917-80 -14 can achieve during maximal physical going. This is most beneficial when workouts. 47 IC Tennis Men's 1st 10 2 1 7 36 64 -28 20 -16 exertion. It is not the maximum read- exercising for a duration of 40 minutes 48 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 2nd 11 3 0 8 178 300 -122 27 -17 ing you should obtain often during ex- plus. The longer you exercise at this You may have realised that the 49 IC Badminton Women's 1st 8 1 1 6 22 42 -20 13 -17 ercise and if you are starting out with intensity the more fat you will use up graph is missing, the reason 50 ICSM Badminton Men's 1st 8 1 0 7 20 44 -24 13 -23 an exercise regime you should perform for energy. If the intensity of exercise being lack of space, but you can 51 IC Football Men's 3rd 10 1 1 8 14 35 -21 10 -25 this test in the presence of qualified is increased then the fat contribution find the graph on the web at 52 IC Football Men's 2nd 9 0 1 8 10 31 -21 0 -30 staff due to the risks associated with will decrease. felixonline.co.uk

Crossword No. 1,394 Answers to: [email protected]

1 2 3 4 5 5 6 7 8 ACROSS DOWN 1 Paid servant holds his teeth (8) 1 Judge will store information about 5 Heartless impulse covers the poles the queen (8) 9 (6) 2 Shanghai bitterness comes up to 10 Measure around a crumbling the bone (5) 10 11 biscuit (7) 3 Incorporation of bizarre alien 11 Vernaculars back in flamboyant transition (15) actor’s chart (9) 4 Improve on a coldless English 12 Mix up the back selection (9) chance (7) Good effort getting the answers in just 12 13 13 Uprooted weeds stitched together 6 What’s this? (9,6) before the deadline this week Di-Em- (5) 7 The somersaulting acrobatics just ma but unfortunately the random draw 14 Carve in an English cemetery (7) let her caw (9) pulled Matty Foulkes’ Heros’ (sic) out 16 Reginald threw in the towel for a 8 The Royal Mail created a perfume of the hat! Keep those entries coming. 14 15 16 15 tool (6) (6) Enoch 18 Extract ore from fluorides to make 15 British colony provides torn gold 17 glasses or liquids (6) coats (4,5) Solution to Crossword 1,393 20 Violinist likes messing around (7) 17 Lengthen the professional 17 18 19 20 D I V E R S E S W A L L O W 22 Hot chocolate with modified dissertation (8) A I O M T D I A disease-free tobacco (5) 19 Friendly intelligence in part of a N E C T A R I N E A D M I T 21 20 23 Fat cult prone to school (6) I A S L E M B E misunderstandings (9) 20 The plastic is in what form? I can’t S T R U T E N D E A V O U R 22 23 24 25 French punch (9) see it (7) H I E Z N S 26 Endless cheek from a distorted 21 Pointy freezer (6) O L D B O Y N E T W O R K animal (5) 24 Burnt at the end of the year (5) U U L E L I 27 As far as it goes, it was an old P U S I L L A N I M I T Y 25 26 marquee (6) M A G M M G 28 Raw treat cut into pieces for A F T E R M A T H H P R maritime rodent (5,3) R R G M B O I I K N A V E P R O S T R A T E 27 28 E G S L U E N V T R I E S T E R I P O S T E Send in your sport reports: felix [email protected] sport High resolution photos only Splash Felix Sport welcomes waterpolo to its pages. See page 38

Students gear up for National Kendo coach visits Imperial BUSA Cross Country Daniel Wagner

Championships On Wednesday, while the rest of the ACC was already going crazy in the Union Bar, Imperial College Kendo ver 1,150 university stu- second in 2007 and both are in the race Club was visited by the British Nation- dents will be heading this season to revisit the battleground. al Coach Matsumoto-sensei. He joined west to Swansea this Both, however, will be looking over us for our practice session and a few weekend for the BUSA their shoulder as the two time Euro- drinks afterwards. O Cross Country Cham- pean Junior Cross Country Champion As usually the first half of our prac- pionships, with a few students look- Steph Twell (St Mary’s) enters the tice focused on footwork and basic ing to impress before the World Cross event for the first time after starting techniques. Matsumoto-sensei was Country Championships, which are university in September. watching us practice under the direc- being held in Edinburgh on 30 March European 5,000 metres Junior Cham- tions of our instructor Yung-sensei. of this year. pion 2005 Emily Pigeon (Loughbor- Apparently Matsumoto-sensei was In the men’s competition 720 ath- ough) also comes into the event as a pleased with what he saw and joined letes line up with Frank Ticker’s (ex– fresher. Pidgeon, from Shurdington in our seniors as sparring partner for our Birmingham) 2007 title on the line. Gloucestershire, could well be one of beginners. So all our beginners got the With the top 3 men from last season our Olympic hopefuls at London 2012 rare chance to hit the National Coach having left university, the gold, silver if she continues to mature as a middle on the head. In the second half of the and bronze will find new university distance runner and will be one to look practice our seniors put on their bogu, homes this season. out for at the BUSA Championships. the kendo fencing armour, for some Kevin Deighton (Loughborough) If competing for the BUSA title wasn’t more advanced practice. Matsumoto- finished one place outside the medals enough the Championships are also a sensei joined these drills and gave last year and will look to go one better key selection event for the World Uni- many valuable comments and advice and head back to Loughborough with versity Cross Country Championships to our seniors. a medal. Deighton has been hampered being held at Mauquenchy, France At the end of the session we prac- The national Kendo coach (in black) showing how it’s done by injuries this season and missed out from 5-6 April 2008. The top two fin- tised kendo sparring matches, called on leading the European U23 Cross ishers in both the men’s and women’s jikeiko. Everybody got the chance to Country team; look for him to make ‘A’ races are automatically selected for fight Matsumoto-sensei. Although themselves: Yung-sensei fought for normal practice time and it was almost a big impact this weekend. With over the World University Cross Country nobody of us had the slightest chance Hong Kong at the last World Champi- 11 when we arrived at the Union bar 65 universities competing in the men’s Championships. against him it was an exciting and in- onship and Yoshikawa-sensei recently to have a pint with the National Coach. event expect the local support for the The Championships is being hosted spiring experience. won yet another international com- Overall this visit was a great experience 18 Swansea university students to be by Swansea University with the sup- Highlights of the evening were the petition in Dublin, Ireland. So all our for our members. It proved once again strong with the university hosting the port of Swansea City Council and matches between Matsumoto-sensei members were watching in awe: their that our club has a good reputation in event for the 1st time. Gwent Athletics, for more information and our instructors Yung-sensei and fights against Matsumoto-sensei were the UK and that we are really lucky to Felicity Milton (Durham) took the about the please visit www.busa.org. Yoshikawa-sensei. Both our instruc- kendo presentations of highest quality. have two excellent Kendo instructors gold from Elle Baker (Brunel) by one uk/athletics. tors are high ranking kendo players Without noticing we overran our here at Imperial.