Check out Colby's sexiest men on page 8.
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ir Colby ^npm -i--nM TiiMfM---W-irini-rwM. il- ni™iiM-_im-ii—ir--riniiim --i 1 r ranii _.TM-TMn _-_--n— t— 11 i_-iiiii«nii ___TTii_-T_HnT--nrf«_.iiiBiiirTnrMT ^--« Peeping Welcome Colby trustees! Freshbreath students ban By The Missing Lmko all requi red POKNEDITOR Johnnie "let-me-see-your-panties" Freshbreath, director of Saf elee and Securelee, language was arrested last weekend for videotaping a woman undressing through her dormroom By Crabby Applesauce window. "You see, I just borrowed this video ASSHOLE camera from the library to tape the wet t-shirt At last month s faculty meeting, faculty contest downtown at the Bob Inn, and I was out, blew up at Presidents' Councils inclusion in the bushes in front of Go-Ho trying it of this sentence in a proposal for the use of and I could see this babe with great curves undressing said gender-neutral language on campus. In in a nearby window," Freshbreath. response to faculty ridicule, the Presidents' "I just had to try out my wide- Council has rewritten the sentence to allow angle lens." for greater faculty freedom. The new Freshbreath was discovered by Chris Misterg addition reads: igolo, Go-Ho president, while Mistergi relieving the "In pursuit of academic freedom, no golo was himself off Go-Ho balcony. member of the College, faculty, Colby' s Board of Trustees will be descending upon the campus this weekend.To celebrate the I "I had just finished my third of die, administration or student body can require event, one student (right) and his visiting father ( left ) had their picture taken with one of the j game the use of any particular language, except many human fossils (center) who currently serveon the board. j from 1:30 p.m to 2:45 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays when most students are falling asleep in those long, 75-minute classes. students go to Champions on Wednesday freedom, language requirements on Friday Should any faculty have a problem with nights, no language be required of those and Saturday nights would prevent him this, Presidents' Council is willing to extend students at Thursday classes, since said from being able to say whatever he needed these hours, so that particular language can students will most likely still be recovering to in order to pickup girls. "Nobody's gonna be required on seminar nights from 7:30 to from intoxication, and any such language fuckin' tell me how to pick up a chick," said 9 p.m. requirement of a non-monosyllabic sort would the hall president as tears streamed down Presidents' Council is willing to allow be too taxing on said student's mind. Students his face. "Long live free speech!" Faculty faculty to impose a particular language after who wish to qualify for this language should note that, following this plea, many 9:30 a.m. if and only if said class is: a) a exemption should have their hands stamped more tears were shed by many more hall lecture class with over 100 students; or b) so at the bar as proof of attendance. presidents. Faculty should also note that all boring that nobody in the class speaks at all, The Council also forbid s anybody .from hall presidents in attendance echoed that regardless of what language is being requiring students to use any particular particular president's sentiment-^-in the required. Also, the Council noted that no language of any particular sort addressed to pursuit, of course, of academic and personal particular language should be required at any particular person from 5 p.m. on Fridays freedom." all on Fridays (pre-weekend anxiety), but tollp.m.onSundaysfthisbeingtheweekend, that faculty may require such on Mondays the Council feels that certain events like Student (post-weekend blahs, when we're all Center parties and rugby kegs should be free pooped anyway). from all language requirements). As one Mr. Freshbreath himself, looking not-so-fresh. Also, the Council noted that, since many president noted in a rather poignant plea for and I had to take a natural. While I was draining the weasel from the balcony, I looked across to TrueOrgy and saw this girl from my English Fornication in language lab class stripping down. Man, she was hot! Then I heard this sort of heavy breathing from the Rare disease strikes beginning French students, faculty bushes, and there was Freshbreath taping the whole thing," said Mistergigolo. "First, I copied French in Action series, can stimulate this Room inspections over spring break the tape for my own video library,and then I snuck down By Ima Lyer hyper production of phalaxic fluid. uncovered bootleg tapes of the series in the hall and called the police CONTRIBUTING WRITER First and second year French students are student's rooms, and security suspects ," Mistergigolo said. "I figured that if they put this the group most severely affected by this there are more copies still being sold on guy away and we take out syndrome. They are required to go to the lab Colby's black market. Jannie Shesaswinger, we'll be able to doghead every weekend. To most students The French in Action up to five times a week. On a recent phone bill, " WMHB noticed "I had series is just another learning tool. But for College officials first became suspicious of three long distance suspected Freshbreath was sexually phone calls to an frustrated for those who suffer from hypophalax syndrome the language tapes when they began to notice unidentified number. The a long time now," said Vickoe phone number Gctyourhandsoffme the time spent in the language lab can be a the long lines at the language lab, and that has since been identified as Pierre , Safelee's secretary. "He Capretz's hasn' stimulating experience. many students seemed to be spending large home number. Officials are looking t had a date in years." into the Getyourhandsoffmesaid As far back as ancient Rome there are amounts of time listening to the tapes. matter more closely. shehas found several records of people who had the syndrome. Wc spoke to Ima Hoar, a first year French hard-core porn magazines in Frcshbrcath's When Capretz was asked about his the office. But not until recently were scientists able to student, who claims, "I just can't help myself effect his voice has he simply said , "Alors, "You think Anita determinethat certain soundsand particular anymore. I need to hear [Capretz's] voice as J'aurais toujour pense que e'etait mon bon Hill had it bad. Try working for Freshbreath " voices can cause the cerebellum to often as possible. Thon, once I do, 1 just have to visage." Translated: "Gee, and I always , she said. overproduce the sex hormone, phalaxic fluid, find my boyfriend. I've been spending up to thought it was my good looks. Thcadministrationbailed Freshbreath out " of jail with thus increasing the scxdrivcofthoscafflicted five hours a night in the language lab." Many members ofthoFrench money from the non-alcoholic department events fund. with the disease. "My work for other classes has been have been observed in the language "It is clear that this was a non- lab alcoholic event," said Studicsindicatethatover22% of the world suffering. I find myself spending all my free until all hours of the night "investigating Bill(Melatcr) Caughther, " president of the population has the disease. However, it is time in the lab," explains Har Dup, a second the effects of these tapes. Some are even College. "Obviously, we're normally dormant and less than 15% ever semester French student. Some students have putting in extra hours at home. The going to send this man experience any effects of tho syndrome. resorted to drastic measures to obtain copies to film school," said Dougie Twerp, director department is expected to make an official of It has been determined that the voice of of the tapes. statement soon. personnel for the College. "If Freshbreath Pierre Capretz., author and speaker for the goes into skin films, it could really put Chcczy College on the map." with ahead cold and they took out all my organs. Like, dude, geous," said Shimon, "I think, in terms of its use of space, it this isn't normal." rivals Versailles." The Health Center dismissed the incident as insignificant. The interior, said one Danar resident, "provides optimum "This stuff happens around here all the time," said a Mews Briefs studying conditions; with its heavily sound-proofed walls, spokesman for the Center. "Just last week they tried to put spacious rooms, and lusciously painted walls." The students silicone breast implants into the Cotter's dog." takethereown initiative of keeping up the decor. "I've heard The student, minus organs, is recovering nicely, said the of other dorms where dirty sweat socks and underwear can spokesman. Professor is offended by be found strewn around the halls," said another Danar "He'll probably be dead any minute," he said. "So we're Resident. The cleaning staff of Danar claims they have the hurrying him over to Thayer so if he croaks it will be their fruity fellow downtown easiest job on campus. "We never have to do more than a few problem and not ours." minutesof workon Danar/ said second floor cleaning person Juanilla Biloduuu. . Language professor Jane Mossh has brought Superduper "The first day I walked into the building, I knew it would Shawos up on sexual harassment charges. Mossh says she be tops," said a firist-year student. "I thought, 'How did I ever was shopping in the produce section and as she was holding get solucky?' and, honestly, I never expected to be living in two melons and some cheddar cheese, a nearby worker, the lap of luxury my first year." Other residents agree: Dwayne de Townie, asked if she would like everything "Danar is delightful. I even have a pet rat who came into my weighed. Mossh claims de Townie was proposing to weigh room one day through a water pipe. I like the little critters," her along with the food. Dwayne de Townie is quoted as said one sophomore. Architectural Di saying he would never weigh four items at once. There have gestion will discuss the. enchanting living been speculations that the case will not go to trial as both experience of Danar. The article will highlight the serene, attorneys hope their clients will accept the plea bargain charming, and comfortable aspects of the most cherished and stating that Mossh will not take offense at de Townie's loved residence hall on campus. unsuspected insult if he promises to say he is "& typical unfeeling, uncommunicative, indirect, sloppy eating, chau- vinistic, macho male." Mossh has not "yet made her official statement on the incident, but plans to submit one to Moose- (B photo by some shit-for-brains photographer who can ' t use a camera Paws^ the daily calender, to set the record straight. yHester P.C. Lowoman) To hidehim from the public, the Health Center gave the student this puffy, tired -looking Tony Corrado costume to wear. Orange cheese snorting Gov. prof bares all abuse on the rise Government professor Studly Maizel bared all last week, as he walked around campus in nothing but his bow tie to Rumors that the Spa discontinued its use of orange cheese prove his virility to students. because students had begun snorting the stuff are "totally "This response so far has been very positive," said Studly. untrue, although I'd like to try it sometime" said one Spa "I even got a couple dates out of this. As a matter of fact, the worker. resonse was so overwhelming, the whole department's going But according to several student reports, many people to join me next week when I do it again." had turned to the orange cheese in response to the stricter alcohol policy. , Danar Hall—the design is so simple, so elegant, so understated "Snorting orange cheese is awesome dude," said , one it has that certain 'je ne sais quoi? ' so rare in dorms these days student who agreed to speak only on grounds of anonymity.Tt's better than a dubie, man. I always asked for my nachos with extra orange cheese because what you don't Free baby with finish, you can use at a party on Saturday night." every Spa bagel To help celebrate Maine Family Heritage Month, the Spa will be giving out a Maine baby, with every missed meal breakfast credit. "We want to the Spa to have a family-style atmosphere," said Mary Bouchard Lavierdiere Poulin, director of Dining Services. "We want, everyone at Colby to feel like one big happy family, like we Mainers feel like." Student reaction was mixed. "I thinkit's a great idea," said one sophomore woman. "I'd considered starting a family before, but now I can just pick a kid along with my bagel and O.J."
Not everyone enjoyed Studly' s naked romp around campus. This student went into shock minutes after she saw Maizel approaching her. She is being treated in the Health Center for trauma and a botched perm job. Bonsai promoted Henry "Mr. Colby" Bonsai has been promoted to head physician at the Health Center. In his first day on the job, he walked into Dana Hall on a Sunday morning, saw students passed out from the night before, and promptly declared plwto by Long Dong Silver them all dead. "He's doing a super job, just super," said a spokesman for Orange cheese snorters sniff up the last drop. the hospital. Bonsai asked students in the dining hall the next day to plioto by Eva rise and pray for the fallen students in silent prayer. The bod ies were then carried off to the local morgue forimmediate Residence Hall wins and Baby Billy This week's Spa special: A poppyseed bagel, O.J. burial. design award Lefebvre Poulin Laverdiere. "I've never seen such natural diagnostic techniques in my life," said co-worker Susan Cockadoodlcdoo. "He can tell if Architectural Digestion has singled out Danar Residence someone's dead without oven examining them." Hall for the cover of its April issue. "The building is not only Look ma, no glands! In addition to his normal duties, Bonsai will also bring his functional ,butquitebeautiful," said MauriceLaRousso, Editor In a shocking turn of events yesterday, a student being sensitivity to women when he conducts gynecological ex- and Chief of Architectural Digestion. treated foracold at thc Hcalth Contcrwas nearlykillcd when ams. "This structure sure surpasses the Student Center in its doctors accidently removed his spleen, large intestine, lungs, "He knows how to treat women right," said the spokes- overall appearance and aura," said Darren Shimon of the art lcindncys, and most other vital organs. man. "None of this 'fatherly amibiguity' bullshit with him. department. Shimon says ho enjoys sitting outside the build- "I don'tknow whathappencd/'said thostudent , whoonly After he's done with them, he'll have womon crawling all ing and studying its ornate detail. "This building is so gor- agreed to speak on grounds of anonymity. "I went in there over him." Colby anxiously awaits National Naked Day same amount of flesh on the green fields of by Amanda Hell-With-it Colby?" MANAGING EDITOR "Fresh Frosh Flesh.' Fresh Frosh Flesh!" chanted the Colby men's football players, who voiced their unanimous support of Walking across campus in awe at the NND. wondersof nature will takeonanewmeaning Head Coach Too Tall Tom Friday,April 3, as Colby participates in Na- Awwutsupduuudessaid "The team is quite tional Naked Day. NND is being sponsored physical with each other, on and off the field. by the Greg Jackson Endowment for Na- They are always fooling around, toying with kedness to show support for coeducational each other, grabbing each other, y'know, all harmony at small, "liberal" arts colleges that good old fashioned 100% pure beef All- across the U.S. American male bonding stuff." "I think it's a wonderful idea, really a Yeah, we know what you meart Tom. (See good thing," said Dean Ichabob'McAnxious, photos to the right). with a smooth smile on his face. "It's an Some of the female faculty members were especially good way to re-welcome all the a bit dismayed at the prospect of teaching young, fresh, tender, luscious, sensual, rav- classes in the nude, but have been reassured ishing, young [at this point the Yodel inter- by President Caught-Her that they should viewer had to cough loudly] women to Colby not feel in any way pressured to participate. all over again. Really show them how much "I just don't feel comfortable with the the men on campus appreciate, accept, even idea, " said tenured-and-don't-you-forget-it relish their being here. Yessiree bob, that's Professor of French Jaundiced Moose. "It's He goes for the balls... me, heh, heh, heh, those little ladies are going the idea of old flesh being compared with to feel male welcome reaching out to them new. I just don't think it would be fair to all across campus this Friday." those first-year womyn, those pieces of retail Students in general seem supportive of merchandise,- to be placed next to precious NND. Women and men alike are eager to antiques. It might scar them for life." show support for the institution which has There are a few members of the faculty shown them what equality and diversity who have been asked by the College not to really mean. participate in the nakedness. Theyhave asked "I think it's just great," said Ima Freshun to remain nameless, but you can just imagine. '95. "I'm totally willing to bear my body in The College hopes/however, that a large support of liberal arts. I mean, it's just so majority will show their support for Na- importantto support all those artists who are tional Naked Day on Friday. "It could become building sculptures out of trash and gener- an annual event, perhaps even biannual," ally being so liberal. Hey, if those models are said McAnxious. "Wouldn't that be just posing nude over in Bixler, can't we show the swelling, er I mean, swell, heh; heh, heh." ; Sure Ichabob, it sure would. Cheese debate climaxes:
Studen. . . .; y . t . s. ,f. adminis, . .. . tra-, ,.tion f ; ¦ ¦ — — ¦ _ ^ battle over the dairy product ...and makesthe .play photo by Wilson Phillips The administration will surely place limits By Hester P.C. Lowomanand A.O.K. Fyne on what will be considered appropriate, in terms of cheeses. My guess is that both The Cheese subcommittee met last Mon- Cheese Whiz and Velveeta may be unac- day evening in the fish bowl to discuss new ceptable in their eyes. They're just too slimy issues surrounding the cheese crisis at Colby. and orange. Sharp White will most likely be Human Chia Pet Day The group has begun to make plans for an all- condoned," said Jack Monterey. campus forum, tentatively titled "Cheese The cheese issue is not isolated to May- Awareness at Colby—From Cheddar to flower Hill. "It is hard to say whether cheese Cheeze Whiz". will be an issue in this year's presidential "We want students to come and show election, but I wouldn't doubt it. Both the their opinions on this issue. Cheese is Democrats and the Republicans must address something we all have f deal with," said the issue sooner or later," said California Jack Monterey '93, head of the Cheese Sub McCheesy, government professor. Many Committee. Students are now seeking al- professors have brought up the cheese debate ternatives to the old types of cheese, and in their classes, said McCheesy. have become intolerant of the Dining Halls' "I have my students come to my house common variety: "Cheddar is so yesterday," from time to time for wine and cheese, and I said Brie Muenster '92. The controversy has see nothing wrong with it," said Guy Riccota, spread throughout the campus, catching the professor of Italian. "The women seem to attentionof professors as well: "I think weall enjoy the real stuff, especially anything in- have to clarify our terminology," said Hank ternational... mozzarella, Swiss, or Brie.." Havarti, professor of Economics, "We can't When questioned of the men s preference be color-blind, yet we don't want to offend Riccota was unsure, yet he speculated that anyone either. As for myself, I prefer Swiss, most male students generally enjoy the pro- but I have nothing against American." cessed spreads. "I keep my fridge fairly well In the wake of the gender-neutral debate, stocked with anything French or Italian," the cheese controversy has spawned new said Ricotta, "1 like to stick to European types." arguments over the issues of color, texture, The administration fears the cheese issue and aging of this dairy product. "We have to could cause some major disruptions in din- consider how many lines the cheese issue ing halls. Already there have been boycotts ' y • . . photo byMama Mia Chia crosses. It's not just a matter of color, it's a of Fossil dining hall when the only cheese matter of taste. I don't think anyone should product served was some sort of fat- substi- In lienor of Human Chia Pet Day, Angela Davis, President and client of SPROUT, impose his or her tastes on anyone else. It's tute, tofu variety. Chez Robertos has taken Society for the PReservation Of Underachieving Toupees, sprouted before ', a just such a personal matter. All iri all, I am some flack for the lack of cheese cubes with captivated audience. pro-cheese, definitely," said Judy Provolonc, herbs in the salad bar line. "People seem '95 Sub Committee member. really attentive to the absence of color, and ceptable beyond cheddar. according to its leader, Pam Parmesan '95, concerns It's very impor- Other students expressed their the fact there are never tubs of sprcadablc tant that we all become educated on this who burstcd in on the subcommittee meet- about the impact this will have in the class- cheese that is not white demonstrates a great issue." ing and decried, "Colby has forgotten its ' "I am worried that if 1 come out and room: insensitivity to the cheese needs of this A pro-chccsc march is scheduled for later namesake!!" The Pro-chccssers have set up a Velvecta, that I might be say that I prefer, say, campus," says Juice Mc Munster Maisel in the semester. A.group of anti-cheddar caravan of cars to travel to superdupcr shawls offending others who prefer the other, more Dean of Students. Mark Fctarinian seconds activists havebegun planning a protest out- this Friday. All of the groups have been '93. solid types," said Cathy Cottage these sentiments. "We have a real problem side of Danar Dining Hall next week. The warned by the administration that any un- an in- "I fear tho censorship of cheese is on bur hands here, and there is a definite split popular student group "Colby Pro- Choosers" derground cheese action including selling or evitable consequence of all the controversy. within in the student body over what is ac- hasbcen fighting for cheese rights for months, making of cheese could lead to suspension from Colby. Founded in 69 BC Separated at birth? I 1 r-— — —: — 1 fit CRABBY APPLESAUCE, Editor-in-Chief Crossword ' AMANDA HELL-WITH-IT, Managing Editor THE MISSING LINKO, NewsEditor KATEY CHRYSLER, Layout Editor ACROSS TJ. CYNIC, Sports Editor MICHELLESTRESSED , LayoutEditor KAREN LIPSERVICE, Features Editor TRACEY HARD-ON, Focus Editor 1. A king, of sorts ETHAN GETTWOMEN, A & E Editor JOSH SLUTTIN', Business.Manager , 5. Idol, Joel, or Cotter, to his mom. P.E. AGRESSIVE, Opinions Editor KATHERINE BOREDOM, Photo Editor 8. A note to follow sol. 9. It's indefinite, as an article ; 10. "Hot Rod" Rodman's key word , Asst.News Editor A.O.K. FYNE in American-Caribbean law. . ¦ , JON-NOTHING RIGHT, Asst. Sports Editor - JULIE WHO?, Asst. A&E Editor Prof . Chip Hauss... ..jand Saddam Hussein? 12. Bump, , spike! ¦ ______¦ I AMYXYZPDQ, Asst. Photo Editor ;• . • .• 13. The guy who makes the walk of shame easy. 15. That dude in Latin. . AMY CLAPPER, Ad Manager , ROB HUSTLER, Ad Representative 17. If and only if... ETHAN GETTWOMEN, Staff Artist 19. Who Bobby is when he misses a goal. MARKY-MARK MURAL, Subscriptions Manager 20. Strawberry's one. 21. "Of God" 22. A novice Die-player's chug. 25. Abel's bro with a side of mayo LETTERS AND OPINIONS POLICY 27. Another Liberated Nation... The Edi torial is the official fucking opinion of the paper. We don't give a shit what you think because we're the ones who run this paper, not you. 28. The noisiest age of all The Colby Echoonl y encourages letters from its readers because we need to fill 30. What we wish Garrison-Foster had space not because we give a shit about what you have to say. Most of the letters 31. Forebodances are so incohe rent and poorly written we end up writing them ourselves Dean Mark Serdjenian... ..jznd John Travolta? | 33. Believe me, it's not applicable anyways. 34. Menachim's start r • ., -¦¦ ¦- . ,r— ¦ —— _ I¦ 36. A Scottish BMOC 39. Does anybody know how far this clue actually is? 40. Thurman, or that shitty school twenty minutes south of us. Late night in Roberts... 41. Whatyour 8:30 really is. Really. 42. What you are after 10 games of Die. "Ever since I've ben at Colby I've had to have a friend who's a total slut/7 Tracey DOWN 1. Oh, what a state we're in. "Fuck." Craig History Secretary Pat Kick... ..and the B-52' s Kate Pierson? I 2. —, and, or but. 3. Worst husband and wife team in the English Dept. "My mom never let me have Barbie dolls because she 4. A type of ox knew I'd never have a figure like that and she didn' t wan t me 5. Loudest guy in the English Dept. to be depressed." Laura 6. Puzzle authors are — deep doo-doo. 7f . The only admitted LSD flyer in the Psych Dept. 11. This woman take walks on the wild side—and Imagine giving mouth-to-mouth to that man." Arg still thinks we're safe. ¦ . . "Fuck." Amanda B 12. Everybody's best friend. Parker Beverage...... and the Echo pumpkin? a 14. Acronym: Royal Fuck. 16. —ip, —eason, and just —ust me. i—¦ 1 r nH "The victory was a win." Amy Clapp =z 18. Echo's "Large Brie" 23. Who's doing this puzzle? 24. Not a hotel, quite. "Colby is hot a well-endowed institution." Hank Gemery, 26. To be, for you professor of economics. 29. All the better to hear you with, my dear 31. the Lonely 32. Everyone on Mondays "We'll publish anything." Craig 34. One of the fou r basic food groups 35. Bouts after Die tourneys. "I looked at the recycling bin and I thought you can't 37. Beer-goggling's pass less traveled recycle boot." Paul 38. A Strait's bad way
B "When I play tennis today there's going to be a lot of Registrar George Coleman...... and Salvador Dali? n le's faces on that ball." Janice Seitzinger, overheard by peop B an eavesdropping sportster.
"Who really gives a shit?" Michelle
"When in doubt, italicize," Ethan
"Reebok workers in Cambodia get paid more than we do...and they get free shoes." Craig and Amanda
"It's very easy to satisfy a German major." Craig
"Fuck."Katey
"If I were spell-checking my life and asked the computer to suggest a word, it would respond 'Unable to Suggest Alternative'." Amanda
"The best flings in life are seldom free." Salada Tea Bags
"His idea of gender-neutral language is getting through one sentence without saying the word 'tits'." Craig
"Fuck." Everyone Students On the Can ] What was your most impressive duper?
Frank Redbutt '93 "That's easy. After last year's beer die festival in front of GOHO, I was on the shifter for a Isabella Cornnole '95 good half an hour. I finished "What the hell are you doing most of the Calvin and Hobbes in here? Can't you see I'm per- Anthology. Come to find out formingabowelmovementand later that we had been playing I demand privacy!" with Schaeffer beer the whole time. That explained every- thing." Mona Alot '92 Jedediah Baruch '92.3 "I may be a woman but I'm not afraid to say that all of my "Well, I think it came late in Richard Penisliss '94 dupers rank right up there. I . t l? the fall of this year. It roughly "Can't you ell by the smel mean since woman don't fart in coincided with the atomic Obviously this one ranks right public, all of that gas builds up nachos special in the Spa and a up there. And you should see inside. Thank God they build side order of bananas. It was the size of this one. Wanna women's bathrooms sound- nice, real nice." peak?" proof or we'd disturb most of the campus everytime we shat. Talk about your sonic booms!" photos by Katherine Boredom ¦___-_aa-_----_------>M----- *>n Colby sports make transition to Division I Metamorphosis to occur on campus as academics take a backseat to athletics, money, and Dick Vitale
But where will webegin? Well, some!" said women's hockey coach didn't hurt the Shark all that much sand dollars to attract those non- P.E. Agressive according to Whitless, we start Boring Holderness. For baseball, and Kentucky has survived just fine. athletic study geek types. Every HANGPERSON'S JURY c small. Our [school colors and mas- Colby plans to ask Whitey Herzog. Besides, Levine's been doing it for school has a few of those, and we cot willbechanged.The WhiteMule "He'll love the state and the control years. We just have to expand the can't be any different." will be retired for a Gladiator. And we'll give him," said Whitless. scale." It's been rumored that Hairy O.K. Duke, Indiana, Cincinnati, Black and Silver is the only color "Look what he's doing with the All the other sports will remain Dexterfond will build an Olympic and Michigan are in the Final Four. scheme that "invites terror and Angels." the same size. The big four are the size rink, a dome with a retractable Because of this, their respected warrants ritual killings," according Bubba Smith qualifies as the only ones Colby will need. Crew, roof for football and baseball, and a schools will earn millions of dollars to Charlie's Angels, current head football coach. He's big, he's mean, soccer, lacrosse, women's anything, basketball court with a parquet in alumni contributions, Chevrolet hockey coach. "We need to have a and he's very big. He'll scare the synchronized swimming, jousting floor. When reached for comment, Player of the Game scholarships, passion for winning and will stop kids into coming. For puck, there is - they will all stay nice and small Dexterfond said, "the weightroom and illegal betting. While these at nothing less." only one choice, Mickey Goulet. and insignificant. "Let those foolish will occupy a four story building powerhouses make millions, Colby Of course, the next question is Look what he's done to the Uni- alumni who think that those sports and the academic buildings will be struggles to decide if cable is nec- how are we going to get those ath- versity of Ottawa after leaving here are actually a worthwhile experi- somewhere far, far away. We can't essary. But it's not too late. letes up here? You can't have a Di- a few years ago. Obvioulsy he's a ence keep them afloat with dona- have distractions." In a dramatic turn of events, vision I powerhouse without ath- big time coach. And for basketball tions," said President Caught-Her. That's all it will take. Just a few Dickless Whitless has decide to go letes. Whitless says that he will start will Whitless step down? "Abso- "Granted, they'll still wear the Black concessions on Colby's part and Division I, He will start by soliciting recruiting in Florida for baseball lutely, but only for Dick Vitale and Silver and the Gladiator will Whitless hopes to be a Division I no those rich, boring alumni to give players, New Jersey for basketball baby!" show up once in a while to sacrifice studying, iron pumping, women Colby zillions. 'Til tell them to trade players, Texas for football players, But coaches and scholarships a small farm animal, but that's it. bashing, National Championship in those BM Ws for Old smobiles and and stay in New England in Canada aren't enough. "We can't be afraid We need to concentrate our re- winning dynamo. According to give me the difference," said for the puck players. "We need the to break a few rules and regulations sources." Whitless, "Let's wake up and smell Whitless. "We want to play puck real athletes here, not these suedo- along the way," said Whitless. "We Finally, the campus will ex- the paper mill. With Ryne Sandberg against those Black Bears, we want prep school guys," said Whitless. need to give away a few Pathfind- pand. "We'll just go in debt for the signing for $7 million dollars, the to challenge LSU on the diamond, But how can we get them here you ers and 300Zs. And if the Unions next two hundred years and buy future is clear - athletics before and Duke will be fearful of coming ask? start complaining, we'll through in Waterville," said Mandy Hem. "We academics." to Waterville. And Miami? They'll Athletic scholarships, baby! a few Dodge Vipers. You'll see those need an enrollment of 35,000 and wish they never left the Orange and big time coaches. It'll be awe- kids running up 1-95 to get here. It we must drop tuition a few thou- Bowl!" Athlete s preparin g their Division I image ; r »_-> nllfc i«i.
| | Beauty and the Beastie Boys: 7:20, and 9:40pm M BATES COLLEGE: g Hollywood superstar Rim Basinger in "A Streetcar Name d Desire: The Musical " || § Hear Basinger and cast croon such favorite s as 'If You Knew Stanley Like I Knew m I Honey. I Killed the Kids: 6:50 and 9:30pm , 1 M Stanley, " YouDon'tBring Me FlowersAnymore , "TLovesYou Stanley /SteUa ,YouIs My Woman || Stop! Or My Mom Will Boot!: 7:00 and 9:20pm §I Now" and many others. 'Basinger 's Stella will move you to tears!" said the Waterville Sentinel M . Said the Northern Maine Yahoo: "Move over Vivien Leigh , Basinger is the definitive Stella of E$ ¦ Indiana lones in the Temple of Beth Israel: g this century! The climactic tap dance scene between her and Stanley is a spellbinder!" . || 7:30 and 9:45pm §
THE ARTSY-FARTSY PLACE i DOWNTOWN NEXT TO BURGER KING 1 LECTURES: | Ralph Bunche Lecture on Multiculturalism , by David Duke: | | EXTRA: j This week is Maine Documentary Week! m 'I' m O.K., You're a Goddamn Migrant Worker From Mexico" fl Saturday Night Only: "Lonely Hearts: The Men of the |j Monday night at 7 in the Chapel. Refreshments and white sheets M If a tree falls in m for all in attendance. Bob Inn" | g| the forest and nobody M Sunday and Monday: "We Must Be Cousins: The || Women's Studies Lecture, by Mike Tyson: M is there to hear it, 13 Lives of Maine Potatoe Farmers and the Women || does anybody really M Who Love Them" II "Beauty queens, melons and cheese: Toward a new discourse in eg feminist theory". Tonight at 8 in the weight room. El give a shit? M Next Week: Celebrate diversity with our Northern |f j Administrative Science Dept. Guest Lecture by Leona Hemlsley: || Guatemalan Peasant Film Festival! lg "Taking the Fear out of Filing Your Tax Returns" M ^"" ATiy^ ^wtf ^^ wy v ^ TPj 'flW ^^ ^^ I , Sunday at 3 p.m. inthe Page Commons Room. ||
"Silence of Lambchop" sweeps Academy Awards
critically acclaimed work about carrotsticks Achievement Award By Craig Sidney and Bella Devine angst in Ger- was ushered in by several large , presented to the actor LALALAND CORRESPONDENTS man cinema starring Dieter. "I Laughed! I in dark sunglasses posing as bodyguards. or actress with the most nominations and no Cried!", an insightful docu-drama on the Other memorable moments of the star- wins, usually on their deathbed. This year's incredibly wonderful vocabulary of film crit- studded evening included Wilson-Phillips winner, Jackass Palance, kicked off his ac- "The Silence of Lambchop," a children's ics, won a Special Bullshit in Cinema Award doingcoversof all 5 nominated songs (they're ceptance speech with 100 sit-ups followed by thriller starring Shari Lewis and her and was presented by the incredibly talented everywhere!!); a posthumous acceptance 50 push-ups and a shot of Jack Daniels. handpuppet Lambchop, swept the Academy genius film critics Larry, Mo, and Curly. speech by JFK himself; and a pro-drug dance Free coffee and coke (both kinds) were Awards Monday night, bringing home 39 The evening went smoothly except for number starring Billy Crystal-Meth and handed out to the audience as the ceremony statuettes. two incidents. First, a riot broke out when Oliver Stoner. ran three weeks overtime. "I'm so thrilled," said Lambchop. "All both Bugsyspray and Hairspray were Pat of Saturday Night Live fame won for From Craig Sidney in New York and Bella those years with Shari's hand up my ass have awarded Best Original Foreplay, causing both Best Supporting Actor and Actress, and Devine in Hollywood, see ya next year!!!! really paid off." ushers to dispense emergency condoms. in a moving speech thanked his/her hair- Set in post-World War II Europe, the film Secondly, members of Sprout Up!, a pro- dresser as Pat's date for the evening, Ann tells of how Lambchop escaped certain death vegetarian group, held outings and threat- Drogeny, looked on. in an East German meat slaughterhouse by ened to out carnivorous nominees. Little Of course what Oscar nite could not be skydiving across the Berlin Wall into the Lambchop was understandably nervous and complete without an Outliving Life West, evading gunfire along the way. Once there, Lambchop became a member of the German intelligence, eventually becoming Prime Minister of Germany until a sex-for- money scandal forced the cutlet out of office. "This sends a message that Hollywood is still interested in family movies," said Lewis. Lambchopalso picked upanactingtrophy for Best Performance by an Asexual Hand puppet in a Motion Picture. ' As usual, Holly woodbedazzled the world with its fashion sense. Cher "I'm a serious actress" showed up in more than usual, wearing a piece of mint dental floss. If only she could turn back time! Sally "You really do want me" Fields modeled the latest Gaulticr leather bondage gear, escorted by the Beast who was up for Best Performance by an Illiterate Grunting Male. Also com- peting in this category were Richard Gere and Sylvester-Stallone. Special awards were given out during commercials to the following overachievers: Best Bcastiality to Beauty and the Beast; Best Simulated Sex to the stars of Riding Miss Daisy; BestHigh-Angle-Low-Anglc-Zoom- Pan-Subtitled-Day-For-Nighl Shot to Thelma and Louise: After The Crash. Best Documentary was awarded to Sex with Starletts: The Private Lives of Presi- dential Nominees. Best Foreign Film went to Lambchop's cousins watched the telecast from their home in. Bangor. Touc h \JI*t N/fortl/oi/l n *-)nr>r»lw mnin' nrr onH Vitale to replace Cosby as graduation speaker
by Todd James Herbert should all stay in school. Several student leaders ex- Walker Winick pressed concern, however. One RHETORICAL RABBI OF individual said, "Dick Vitale is an ROUNDBALL Italian American. I think he will probobly look out at the Class of '92 The Colby subcommittee on and say This is not diversity. Come commencement announced in a to think of it, this isn't Cameron press conference held in the base- Indoor Arena either.'" ment of Levine's (where Colby boys Still others were concerned meet) that Dick Vitale, world fa- about Vitale's lack of a stance on mous colligiate hoops guru for gender neutrality, the alcohol ABC, ESPN, PBS, WMHB andPTA, policy, and the possible cutting of will replace Bill Cosby as Colby's missed meal. "famous person" graduation "Mr. Vitale agreed to submit a speaker later this spring. gender neutral policy proposition Bill Cosby was unavailable for to the President's Coucil before comment, but he notified Colby that May, so I think everything's ok," he would be too busy shooting his said Skippy Skipington III, '94.2, new movie in Greenland to speak Boston Commons Vice-President. at Mayflower Hill. The movie will Mr. Vitale as authored several be a psychological chiller, ah> best-sellers, including Time Out thriller loosely based on Cosby s Baby,- McDonald' s Game Memories, jello pudding pop television com- Blabbermouth, and the new Bobby mercials. Knight biography, Wips,Chainsr and When Dean Smith and Dean Hoops. He has.also recorded the Earl Smith were asked about Mr. Top 10 singles LoveShaq,The Hurley Cosby's replacement, they Whirley, and Here comes the Knight. replied/'IT'S TOTALLY AWE- Dicky V attended the Seton SOME, BABY !!! HE'S A REAL Hall graduate school of Mouthing- PTFER, AND HE'S SO TOUGH Off, and hadabriefstintas the head ON THE GLASS!!! HE'S ON MY co ach of the pr e-badboy, pre-Isaiah, ALL -WINDEX TEAM, BABY!!! pre-respectable Detroit Pistons. The Smiths went on to confirm that While in the Motor City, Mr. Vitale Shaquille "Tip" O'Neal, Alonzo was fortunate enough to make Mourning "Has Broken", "On- several block-buster trades that ward" Christian Laettner, and would take years for the Pistons Dick Vitale, Colby 's rep lacement for Bill Cosby as commencementspeaker Byron "Whitney" Houston filled Franchise to recover from. out their All-Windex team. Also recieveing an honorary Mr. Vitale said that he will degree will be the other half of speak on what it's like in the Real ESPN's " Killer Vs" analist team, World, the Sports World, Wayne's former North Carolina State World, and Walley World, and how Coach/Educator and NCAA Bringing the Gold to Waterville the economy sucks right now so we infractionist Jim Valvano. Summer Olympics relocated to Colby Taxi and The Atrium, and the exist- will not be hosting an event be- ing area facilities, the transition cause, as he reasons, "if they can't By "Hot Chocolate, the should be smooth," said Laverdiere. keep track of one sheet of paper, Lyrical Miracle" Quarter also indicated that the how can they organize an event, PART-TIME SUCKER new hosts are making the shift right?" easier by adapting events to fit the -A Night at the Bob In - com- In a shocking turn of events structure and capacities of the petitors will be locked in the local (no pun intended) one region re- community. "We apologize to all attraction, with the winner being ceived a possible blow to its you traditional trackand field fans," the last one out. economy and another gained a said Quarter. "But we do feel that -1500-meter Pizza Delivery - potential economic lifesaver when the array of events in store will be winner is determined by best time the International Olympic Com- more than enough to make up for as clocked against a WHOP mittee announced yesterday that the abscence of familiar competi- deliveryman, although this would the 1992 Summer Olympics would tion. Furthermore, with my wife seem to take all the fun out of it. change sites. performing in the Opening Cer- -One-Hour-Student-Center- The international athletic cor- emonies, no one will want to leave." Scam Relay-self-explanatory. And nucopia will be shifted from the Here is a preview of some of facilities already exist! long-awaited site of Barcelona to the events you'll see, and comments According to Olympic Event the improbable joint-host site of offered by Etcho Olympic analyst Assistant Coordinator Joys Mordecai "NotMalachi" Rodriguez McFeces-Makes Hell, the Colby- ^^^^^^ is Colby College and neighboring Waterville, Maine, because of the "Not Kittridge": WatervillcOlympics of 1992 should i^B^s^siHi H^fisii recent outbreak of rioting in the "be one for the entire family, or former location, as opposed to the -Beer Die-a traditional Colby state for that matter," and says the quiescient and bucolic community favorite, sudden international ex- event isbeingbilled as, "TheFamily ^^^Bfci^^^^HHHH in the new location. However, the posure provides excellent market- Reunion Olympics." Other sur- late August - early September time ing opportunities. Don't be sur- prises include OlympicTorchbearer slot will remain the same. prised if, "A Plunk's a Plunk's a Tool E. O. Kneeman, and Joseph's ^^^^^^^^^^fiiHIi IOC spokesperson Janits Plunk becomes as recognizable as Spa worker Surely Littlefecl, who Titslingerindicated that there were "Just Do It." will sing the U. S. National Anthem. liSB^M^sSiB^BSililM'V'XOI 'tt'I 'NX'X'I'X ^X'I^X'X'ttWX'I'Xiiii many reasons for the sudden shift, -The Pcntfratalon - although Lost in the Colby-Watervillc but the primary reason was that in frats and their respective houses community's excitement, however, ^oll^pHH^illHHKH.ttl^K addition to the current destructive were abolished at the College in is the blow to the Barcelona region. iiiipiii§i§iR riots in Barcelona, "the high local 1984, they will be revived for this After two years of anticipation and incest rate should provide a better "once in a lifetime opportunity," preparation Barcelona may be and most Laverdicrc, The devastated economically, i l according to , , , , , familyntmosphcrc." lill i llllllll y 'i_i_i_ 'i__i_i''!' __Lfc __lllliiillll' ' ' ' l *' "'' _H____L'l'?*li_riL ^' l 'a__^\ __^VV^ > ''X' * 'Vjir^_—Ti__^h«__rv_^^ _n -!::!""""3i'^' . _ " "'" "" " " i . * I -.--___ SMOOTH READING-TheCynic p ours over his " p al ll " hy COWABUNGA-Ex-wrestlerMidni ght Cowboy h l h a SK:iJ!J| s eci co ection oftras angs oose at t e r nch :::::::::: 7|:±:!::::: | romance novels ($1.25) by Harlequin. The spandex by Body Glove retails for in his Wyatt Earp activewear. Shorts and boxers ($69.69) by Polo, $79.95 at Bahama Mama' s, and the sunglasses ($49.95) are by Ray. Ban. sunglasses ($38) by Bolle, and cigarettes ($2 50) by Marlboro. Boots ?rpe($4.95) by J oe ' s of Waterville and London, and Chuckles by Converse ($9). ($54 9) and hat ($13) by Wyatt Earp . Log by Mother Earth (free). » photos by Katherine Boredom llli i l i li l ii . ! ¦ ¦ iijijjllijjpjjjiii;;;! WHITE MEN CAN J UMP-Pablo goes up, up and away as he glides over three bathing beauties in this Euro-bikini ($325) by Adidas. Press box (not for'sale) by Ed Hershey,an d Top Secret Cross Trainers ($666) by Dan and Dave.. ii '.in 1:1111111111 : !"" ." - . ! ""! '"; ¦pi:::::::::::.-!.- !- n:JaE :::::::::: HEISMANl-Gordon Greco-Roman stiff-arms the competition in these FIR E ON ICE-Pablo shivers on Johnson Pond , but looks hot in his suit Giorgio Armani knce-lenglh Bermudas ($65) and sunglasses ($1.23) by by Speedo ($169) and sunglasses by Yuarnet ($125). Parasol ($245) by ISki. Football by Wilson ($31.95). London Fog, and flag ($7.25 a dozen) by Liberty Flag Company, Inc.