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Roast Yourself to Happiness SNEAK PEEK Special sneak peek content! Get the full book on Amazon: bit.ly/roast-workbook Roast Yourself To Happiness A Comedian’s Guide to Finding Joy by Embracing Your Flaws Alex Hooper INTRODUCTION ello, Under-Achieving Shitbag! Congratulations and Hwelcome to your voyage of personal discovery. Somehow this book has made it into your hands — which is exactly where it’s supposed to be. This is a sign you’re ready to embark on a journey. One that is filled with positivity, strength, growth, and of course, vicious insults. By choosing to go down this path, you’re saying YES to owning who you are — from the glorious to the downright disgusting. Get excited. I sure as fuck am. But wait... Why should you listen to ME? I’m Alex Hooper. I’m a stand-up comedian and professional roaster. I’ve been featured on Comedy Central’s Roast Battle, America’s Got Talent, and many more outlets that I could fellate myself over. I’ve toured the world spreading laughter and happiness, all while inspiring people to live their ultimate truth. Before we go any further, someone told me to put a trigger warning in this book. So here you go… Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper TRIGGER WARNING: This book contains foul language, sexual innuendos, disturbing imagery, and hilarious analogies. All of these are directed at you personally. If at any time you feel sick or unpleasant while reading this — COOL. Pull your fat head out of your tight asshole and stop taking everything so seriously. To be brutally honest, the fact I’m writing this book is outlandish. If you met me ten years ago, I was a barely functioning human. Not someone who should be dishing out advice any more than I should be treating STDs. What changed? I learned how to roast, get roasted, and release the bullshit that had been holding me back for years. If you’re not familiar with roasting, it’s a specific way of making fun of someone. Maybe you’ve heard of the Friar’s Club or seen a celebrity roast on TV. Joan Rivers, Don Rickles, Jeff Ross — they’re all master roasters. Roasting is a way to celebrate someone while also tearing them down. Hold up. How the hell is verbally bashing myself or others going to bring me joy? Great question. You’re smarter than you look. As someone who has participated in dozens of roasts, I can tell you they’re the perfect place to build a thick skin. If you can laugh at a joke about yourself, you can remove the pain that often comes Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper with it. I’ve had hundreds of brutal quips thrown at me — some of them on national television. The more insults fired in my direction, the more I became completely OK with myself and my appearance. If this sounds crazy, you aren’t alone. I’ve read a shit ton of personal development books and none of them told me to obliterate my feelings through insults. They used positive encouragement which sounds like a nice idea, but that tactic can be difficult to follow if you’re starting from zero. Reading, “you’re a beautiful, powerful creature,” means nothing if you’re blacked out in a gutter. For the past two years, I’ve hosted a podcast called Achilles’ Heel. I invite incredible people to discuss the darkest parts of their lives. The struggles that have fucked them up more than anything. The battles that have shaped who they’ve become. I’ve learned a lot about what makes us tick, and how our flaws can become our greatest strengths. The method I’ve outlined in this book is based on my own experience. I’m a former depressed, rage-filled, bitter curmudgeon who wanted to destroy the world and everyone in it. Through roasting, I’ve completely flipped to the rainbow side of life. Ask anyone about me and they will tell you I am a magical fairy dropping sprinkles of joy on everyone I encounter. I changed for the better. And I’m a stubborn fuck. That’s how I know you can do it too. Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper If you’re anything like me, you’ll want to race through this book as fast as you can. I beg you, take this one day at a time. The best way to create lasting change is by moving at a controlled pace, so each concept has enough time to marinate in your mind. Every day I will introduce an idea. I call this THE SETUP. Every joke needs a setup to establish the premise. Each SETUP will open your mind to new ways of thinking and being. The second part of the day is called THE PUNCHLINE. This is the feather in your pen, the jizz in your condom. This is the part of the joke that not only completes it but makes it worth telling in the first place. Without THE PUNCHLINE, the joke goes nowhere. Don’t skip over THE PUNCHLINE. Make sure to do the assignment. Each day will require 10-20 minutes of your time. I’ve kept it short and sweet so you don’t feel overwhelmed. I’ve also packed every section with as many jokes as I can to keep you entertained. I wrote this book for the old me. The me who would only use it as rolling papers. The me that would scoff at the idea of personal development as new age hippie bullshit. Sound familiar? Good. Then you’re on the right track. Wherever you are in your life, this book will help you. We’re always growing and always changing. Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper If you’re feeling hesitant, or maybe even a bit afraid, welcome to the goddamn club. I’m a gold-star member. You’re about to enter a world of silliness and love. You’re going to shed unnecessary crap and brighten parts of you that have been living in the shadows. Be open to this process. Do the work. This won’t always be easy, but it will push you in the right direction. I’ll do my best to keep you smiling for 28 days straight. Before you begin, I’d like to share a quote with you that changed my life. It’s from Alan Watts, the British writer and philosopher. “You have no obligation to be the person you were five minutes ago.” Say it out loud. Put it in first person. I have no obligation to be the person I was five minutes ago. Remind yourself of that phrase any time you want to quit. Are you ready, my comedic warrior? Let’s roast ourselves to happiness. Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper POP ‘TIL YOU DROP his is it. You’re really gonna do this. If you’re already T thinking, FUCK ME — congrats! Nothing is more difficult than the beginning because nothing is further from the end. So either get ready… or give up now. THE SETUP It's time to dig a little deeper into you. No, we aren’t going to the desert to stuff mushrooms in your face. I mean, you can. And maybe you should. And maybe I’ll even go with you… But before you pop that fungi in your mouth, let’s pop a quiz instead. Today you’re going to answer a few multiple-choice questions. Be honest with yourself. Answer truthfully — as you stand today, not how you’d like to be. No one is checking your work here. If Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper you’re a depression-filled, anxiety-ridden mess of a human, OK! Welcome to the team. You can pick up your t-shirt after practice. THE PUNCHLINE POSITIVITY POP-QUIZ Deep breath. Stop chewing on your pen, you unsanitary sicko. Let’s go: 1. How do you wake up in the morning? A. I leap out of bed singing musical numbers, ready to attack the day. B. Dammit. Already? I’m gonna hit the snooze button once or twice. C. Fuck. What’s the point? I’m gonna lay here and play on my phone until I can’t anymore. D. Bed? I passed out on my kitchen floor with my face stuck in a pile of vomit. 2. You’re in line at the post office. There are two people ahead of you. How do you spend your time? A. Look around. Notice the new stamps. Be present. B. What a great time to reply to that work email I received. C. I’ll scroll through social media until I feel absolutely nothing. D.Siri, show me assault rifles… Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper 3. Your body is a machine. How do you take care of it? A. I move often and dynamically, filling it with healthy food so I can function at a high level. B. At least two days a week I take a long walk and try to eat healthy- ish foods. C. I eat whatever the hell I want and only go on a hike so my friends won’t give me shit. D.Type 2 Diabetes: Here I come! 4. How do you feel about your home? A. I love it! It’s clean and filled with art and furniture that represent me. B. I like it, but it’s quite cluttered and unorganized. C. It’s just a place to sleep. Who cares if there’s a roach problem? D.If I had better insurance, I would burn this whole fucking place to the ground.
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