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Roast Yourself To Happiness

A Comedian’s Guide to Finding Joy by Embracing Your Flaws

Alex Hooper INTRODUCTION

ello, Under-Achieving Shitbag! Congratulations and Hwelcome to your voyage of personal discovery. Somehow this book has made it into your hands — which is exactly where it’s supposed to be. This is a sign you’re ready to embark on a journey. One that is ﬁlled with positivity, strength, growth, and of course, vicious insults. By choosing to go down this path, you’re saying YES to owning who you are — from the glorious to the downright disgusting.

Get excited. I sure as fuck am. But wait... Why should you listen to ME?

I’m Alex Hooper. I’m a stand-up comedian and professional roaster. I’ve been featured on Comedy Central’s Roast Battle, America’s Got Talent, and many more outlets that I could fellate myself over. I’ve toured the world spreading laughter and happiness, all while inspiring people to live their ultimate truth.

Before we go any further, someone told me to put a trigger warning in this book. So here you go…

Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper TRIGGER WARNING: This book contains foul language, sexual innuendos, disturbing imagery, and hilarious analogies. All of these are directed at you personally. If at any time you feel sick or unpleasant while reading this — COOL. Pull your fat head out of your tight asshole and stop taking everything so seriously.

To be brutally honest, the fact I’m writing this book is outlandish. If you met me ten years ago, I was a barely functioning human. Not someone who should be dishing out advice any more than I should be treating STDs.

What changed? I learned how to roast, get roasted, and release the bullshit that had been holding me back for years.

If you’re not familiar with roasting, it’s a speciﬁc way of making fun of someone. Maybe you’ve heard of the Friar’s Club or seen a celebrity roast on TV. Joan Rivers, Don Rickles, Jeff Ross — they’re all master roasters. Roasting is a way to celebrate someone while also tearing them down.

Hold up. How the hell is verbally bashing myself or others going to bring me joy? Great question. You’re smarter than you look.

As someone who has participated in dozens of roasts, I can tell you they’re the perfect place to build a thick skin. If you can laugh at a joke about yourself, you can remove the pain that often comes

Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper with it. I’ve had hundreds of brutal quips thrown at me — some of them on national television. The more insults ﬁred in my direction, the more I became completely OK with myself and my appearance.

If this sounds crazy, you aren’t alone. I’ve read a shit ton of personal development books and none of them told me to obliterate my feelings through insults. They used positive encouragement which sounds like a nice idea, but that tactic can be difﬁcult to follow if you’re starting from zero. Reading, “you’re a beautiful, powerful creature,” means nothing if you’re blacked out in a gutter.

For the past two years, I’ve hosted a podcast called Achilles’ Heel. I invite incredible people to discuss the darkest parts of their lives. The struggles that have fucked them up more than anything. The battles that have shaped who they’ve become. I’ve learned a lot about what makes us tick, and how our ﬂaws can become our greatest strengths.

The method I’ve outlined in this book is based on my own experience. I’m a former depressed, rage-ﬁlled, bitter curmudgeon who wanted to destroy the world and everyone in it. Through roasting, I’ve completely ﬂipped to the rainbow side of life. Ask anyone about me and they will tell you I am a magical fairy dropping sprinkles of joy on everyone I encounter.

I changed for the better. And I’m a stubborn fuck. That’s how I know you can do it too.

Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper If you’re anything like me, you’ll want to race through this book as fast as you can. I beg you, take this one day at a time. The best way to create lasting change is by moving at a controlled pace, so each concept has enough time to marinate in your mind.

Every day I will introduce an idea. I call this THE SETUP. Every joke needs a setup to establish the premise. Each SETUP will open your mind to new ways of thinking and being.

The second part of the day is called THE PUNCHLINE. This is the feather in your pen, the jizz in your condom. This is the part of the joke that not only completes it but makes it worth telling in the ﬁrst place. Without THE PUNCHLINE, the joke goes nowhere. Don’t skip over THE PUNCHLINE. Make sure to do the assignment.

Each day will require 10-20 minutes of your time. I’ve kept it short and sweet so you don’t feel overwhelmed. I’ve also packed every section with as many jokes as I can to keep you entertained. I wrote this book for the old me. The me who would only use it as rolling papers. The me that would scoff at the idea of personal development as new age hippie bullshit. Sound familiar? Good. Then you’re on the right track. Wherever you are in your life, this book will help you. We’re always growing and always changing.

You’re about to enter a world of silliness and love. You’re going to shed unnecessary crap and brighten parts of you that have been living in the shadows.

Be open to this process. Do the work. This won’t always be easy, but it will push you in the right direction. I’ll do my best to keep you smiling for 28 days straight.

Before you begin, I’d like to share a quote with you that changed my life. It’s from Alan Watts, the British writer and philosopher.

“You have no obligation to be the person you were ﬁve minutes ago.”

Say it out loud. Put it in ﬁrst person.

I have no obligation to be the person I was ﬁve minutes ago.

Remind yourself of that phrase any time you want to quit.

Are you ready, my comedic warrior? Let’s roast ourselves to happiness.

his is it. You’re really gonna do this. If you’re already T thinking, FUCK ME — congrats! Nothing is more difﬁcult than the beginning because nothing is further from the end. So either get ready… or give up now.

THE SETUP

It's time to dig a little deeper into you. No, we aren’t going to the desert to stuff mushrooms in your face. I mean, you can. And maybe you should. And maybe I’ll even go with you… But before you pop that fungi in your mouth, let’s pop a quiz instead.

Today you’re going to answer a few multiple-choice questions.

Be honest with yourself. Answer truthfully — as you stand today, not how you’d like to be. No one is checking your work here. If

THE PUNCHLINE

POSITIVITY POP-QUIZ

Deep breath. Stop chewing on your pen, you unsanitary sicko. Let’s go:

1. How do you wake up in the morning?

A. I leap out of bed singing musical numbers, ready to attack the day. B. Dammit. Already? I’m gonna hit the snooze button once or twice. C. Fuck. What’s the point? I’m gonna lay here and play on my phone until I can’t anymore. D. Bed? I passed out on my kitchen ﬂoor with my face stuck in a pile of vomit.

2. You’re in line at the post ofﬁce. There are two people ahead of you. How do you spend your time?

A. Look around. Notice the new stamps. Be present. B. What a great time to reply to that work email I received. C. I’ll scroll through social media until I feel absolutely nothing. D.Siri, show me assault riﬂes…

A. I move often and dynamically, ﬁlling it with healthy food so I can function at a high level. B. At least two days a week I take a long walk and try to eat healthy- ish foods. C. I eat whatever the hell I want and only go on a hike so my friends won’t give me shit. D.Type 2 Diabetes: Here I come!

4. How do you feel about your home?

A. I love it! It’s clean and ﬁlled with art and furniture that represent me. B. I like it, but it’s quite cluttered and unorganized. C. It’s just a place to sleep. Who cares if there’s a roach problem? D.If I had better insurance, I would burn this whole fucking place to the ground.

5. How do you feel when you arrive at work or school?

A. Fuck yeah! I’m ready to learn, contribute, and get shit done! B. I don’t mind being here, but I don’t feel challenged. C. Sit in the back. Hide in my cubicle. Hope no one talks to me. Give minimal effort. D.8 hours? WTF is this? Soviet Russia? Fuuuuuuuuuck.

A. Woohoo, dance party! Set a reminder and buy four tickets so you can bring friends. B. This is dope. I’m gonna buy a ticket. Even if no one else can go, I’ll have a solo adventure. C. Who knows where I’ll be that night? I’ll hold off and hope it doesn’t sell out. D.Outside? In public? With all those people? I’ll just stay home and listen to the album.

7. Someone gave you a compliment! How do you respond?

A. Take a moment. Absorb the words and emotion. Thank them genuinely. B. Play it off. Be cool. Say thanks with as little gusto as possible. C. Hmmm. What does this person want from me? D.They don’t mean it. They’re just trying to be nice. I know I’m shit.

8. Your friends invite you out for pizza, but you’ve got issues with dairy. What do you?

A. Say, I’m not really feeling pizza. How about we get Thai? B. I don’t want to be left out. Will anyone notice if I pick off the cheese and stick it under my seat? C. Decline the invitation. You don’t want to have to explain yourself. D.Reluctantly go and eat it anyway. It’s more worth it to have ﬂaming diarrhea than to let anyone know you have a weak stomach.

A. Call 9-1-1. Try to comfort the person. Stay with them until help arrives. B. Yell for a doctor, but keep your distance. They could be contagious. C. Doesn’t affect me. Turn up my headphones and keep whistling. D.Good. There are too many people in the world anyway.

10. How are you doing emotionally? Today. Right now.

A. I am fucking stoked to be alive. The world is ﬁlled with endless possibilities that are mine for the taking. B. Feeling good. Motivated, not too anxious, mostly upbeat. C. Ehhh. I’m surviving but mostly drifting through the day. D.There’s a loaded gun in my mouth. Does that answer your question?

Now it’s time to check your score. Don’t worry. This is only for you. Wherever you are is totally ﬁne. Step away from the cliff.

SCORING

A: 4 Points B: 3 Points C: 2 Points D: 1 Point

26-33: Hey now, look at you! You’re doing really well but still have room for improvement.

18-25: Hmm. Seems like you’re struggling a bit. You can deﬁnitely get more out of life.

10-17: Who bought you this book? I know you didn’t do it yourself. Should we call the hospital and have them admit you?

Here’s the good news: you’ve got room to grow. Knowing where you are today is a wonderful tool for ﬁguring out where you want to go. And that’s exactly what this workbook is for. Congrats, Human.

Hungry for MORE?

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Alex Hooper

lex Hooper is a stand-up comedian, actor, and A professional roaster. He delights crowds by blending dark humor with silly positivity. His joke writing is clever and fearless. Onstage he bursts with energy. Alex shines just like his sparkly wardrobe. He’s headlined clubs all over the world. And whether it’s an audience of 11 or 11,000, Alex leaves comedy goers begging for more.

Alex is best known as the America’s Got Talent comedian who infamously roasted the judging panel in 2018. He’s the only contestant ever to get a “yes” from Simon Cowell and a “no” from the rest of the judges. His audition went viral and in 2020 he was invited back again, this time making it all the way to the live shows. In total, his performances have over 75 million views.

Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper As part of his never ending quest to spread love and joy, Alex releases a weekly podcast — Achilles’ Heel. This podcast pushes guests outside of their comfort zone. Alex tackles tough topics like social anxiety and sex addiction with humor and grace.

In 2018 Alex released his debut comedy album Hugs. Drugs. Pugs. It hit #1 on Amazon and #3 on iTunes Best Selling Comedy Records.

To say Alex is a serious pug lover is an understatement. For 2018 he created The Pug Yoga Calendar to raise funds for the pug rescue group, Pug Nation of LA. Ellen Degeneres spotlighted the sold-out 2018 Pug Yoga Calendar on The Ellen Show.

Funny Or Die named him one of the 15 Funniest Comics to Follow.

Alex’s TV credits include:

• America’s Got Talent - Seasons 13 & 15 • Comedy Central’s Roast Battle • Comedy Central’s Corporate • Fox’s New Girl • TVLand • Nickelodeon • and the truly prodigious... Bad Girls Club.

Alex Hooper is coming soon to a town near you! For stand-up comedy tour dates and more visit hoopercomedy.com

Listen to the podcast that inspired this book! Achilles’ Heel with Alex Hooper is available wherever you listen to podcasts.

Follow Alex on Instagram @hooperhairpuff Follow Alex on Twitter @hooperhairpuff