Octoberserenseren 2000 UWB’S STUDENT NEWSPAPER Free and unfettered inside New Seren

Be safe in emerges Bangor p2

New music and more p6

All the Right Movies p8

Reading matters p12 Bangor in shock as new-look periodical hits streets: ‘I told you so,’ brags Associate Editor

angor was on red alert this As reports of the publication torial assistant ‘EMB’ likened the pointed’ in particular by music morning following the sur- spread, Bangor’s roads and foot- shock publication to Oxford rock- editor Clare Lewis’ attack on high- Bprise appearance of Octo- paths were facing the prospect of ers Radiohead’s 1997 album OK profile visitors Mark and Lard and Play nicely, ber’s edition of elusive student gridlock as students flocked to Computer. Production Editor Julie Mansun, whose gigs were widely newspaper Seren. Doubts had secure their copies. The Union, Neild simply purred. considered to be something of a kids p14 been raised as to whether the however, refused to acknowledge Reaction amongst local resi- coup for Bangor. Overall, though, beleaguered publication would calls for an emergency sitting of dents was cautious. Huw Werth, response to the new Seren has ever see the light of day after the Senedd to discuss the crisis, and 73, of Trem Yr Wyddfa insisted that been mostly positive, with an issue missed an alleged sixth dead- the local constabulary admitted the publication of the new edition overwhelming 54% of respond- line on its motley course towards that they planned ‘no special meas- ‘didn’t really bother him,’ but Gwla- ents to our specially-commis- publication, but the paper’s staff ures’ to accommodate the rush. dys Hills, 57, of Caellepa was too sioned survey considering the was this morning triumphant as When approached by this overcome to speak with us. issue to be ‘quite disappointing the first copies of the new edition newspaper the staff of Seren Closer to home the new issue to wholly satisfactory.’ began to trickle into the SU. accepted that their actions may has received a mixed reception. The UWB Surf Team, which ‘This could be our best issue have precipitated widescale dis- CCSO Will Kelly was understood was cruelly burlesqued in the May Round, round, ever,’ crowed a source close to the ruption, but were unrepentant. last night to consider that it was issue, had not, as we went to press, editor. ‘We’ve put blood, sweat and ‘It’s pandemonium,’ conceded ‘about bloody time’ the issue went issued a formal response to the get around p16 tears into this. I haven’t touched Associate Editor Chris Chapman, to press. Ents Manager Shaun news. The Canoe Club was not my thesis in weeks.’ ‘but I like it!’ Staff writer and edi- Casey was said to be ‘disap- approached, for obvious reasons. 2 SEREN October 2000 NEWS [email protected] Be careful out there Women’s OfficerClaire Middleton offers cautious counsel

o you’ve just moved to Bangor; a haven of your hand. Carry a personal alarm mountains, trees, pubs and tranquillity. in your hands at all times. Do not SIsn’t it wonderful? The answer should be wear a personal stereo. Tell people a categorical yes, but unfortunately that isn’t where you are going, giving con- always the case. Although Bangor is pretty tact numbers and what time you are small compared to some of the places you likely to arrive. If you feel that you could have found yourself, personal safety are being followed try to move to a is still an issue you have to consider. In the well-lit area or enter a busy public past few weeks there have been five attacks amenity and ask for help. on women in Upper Bangor alone. It does Personal attack alarms are avail- happen, even in a sleepy North Wales city, able from the Welfare Office and and the chances are it will happen again. the Union shop at a cost of £2 You can take practical steps to protect each. Last year we ran a successful yourself against attack. Know where the self-defence course for female stu- danger areas are. Previous areas in which dents. The course for this year is attacks have taken place include Lon Pobty in the process of being organised (St Mary’s hill), Glanrafon Hill, Holyhead Road, and hopefully will be up and run- the pier and the ‘magic gardens’ (the steps ning by the beginning of November. between the Crescent and Lower Bangor). If you would like more information Many of the halls of residence have areas or would like to take part, email me which are poorly lit. This is one of the prob- (my address is below). lems the Women’s Group will be working to If you have been attacked you change over the next few weeks. can talk in confidence to North Be sensible about these problems. Never West Wales Rape Crisis and Sexual walk home alone at night. Your best protec- Abuse Line on 01248 354885 or tion against attack is to walk in groups of Nightline on 01248 362121. People Glanrafon Hill: you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy three or more. Make sure you know where are out there and they can help. the security guards for your hall are located and how to contact them. However tempting Upcoming events • On the 14th of November there will be a paigns is posted on the Women’s Group noti- it may be do so, DO NOT give the door code • A campaign focusing on safety in the halls night at the main bar for lesbian and bisexual ceboard (next to the welfare board on the to your hall out to everybody you meet. Last of residence will be taking place over the next women’s day. This will involve cheap drinks way into the Curved Lounge). year a known local rapist found out a hall few weeks. and dressing up and is open to all. All proceeds door code and consequently had access to • October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. go to Lesbian Line, a local phone line provid- If you would like to contact me about any the building for an entire fortnight. If you are Watch out for information on campaigns to ing information and support for women. of these issues or would like any more infor- walking somewhere alone be alert and look highlight the risk factors and preventative mation on the Women’s Group, email me at alert. Have your house or car keys ready in measures such as self-examination. Information on upcoming women’s cam- [email protected]

Railtrack says no R.S. Thomas dies to faster trains

ailtrack has come under heavy ing the revised plans, Spokesman the signalling braking distances fire from rail watchdogs after Andrew Goodwin said ‘I find it incon- associated with travelling at faster Rpulling the plug on plans to ceivable that, in the year 2000, a pro- speeds. drastically reduce journey times fessional company is given the task ‘Safety is paramount in the between Bangor and Chester. of upgrading speeds from 75mph to industry,’ he stressed. ‘That is more A new timetable, which was sup- 90mph and ends up acting like a important than some train journeys posed to come into effect two weeks bunch of complete amateurs trying taking a few minutes longer than ago, would have slashed journey to put a model railway together.’ He originally envisaged.’ times with a 15mph speed increase added, ‘It should be more open with However the latest develop- between the two stations. The plans the rail-using public whom it has ments have also brought First North however had to be dropped at the treated disgracefully.’ Western into the picture. A spokes- last minute because of signalling Railtrack’s North West Zone man for the train-operator said ‘We problems. director Mike Cowman said that the are naturally disappointed by the The Strategic Rail Users’ Asso- £1m upgrade had been put on hold announcement but we will work ciation has accused the train com- purely for safety reasons. with Railtrack to make sure that the pany of acting ‘unprofessionally’ and ‘The outstanding issues on the work is completed as soon as pos- hiding behind the safety issue. Blast- North Wales route are to do with sible.’ ributes continue to pour in for R.S. Thomas, who died on Monday 25th September aged 87. Holder of the Queen’s Gold TMedal for Poetry since 1964, Thomas quickly rose to become one of the 20th Century’s finest poets. Raised in Holyhead, the poet developed close links with the Uni- versity and area over the years, often using the landscape as settings for his work. Last May, he opened a centre named after him in the Welsh department, containing the most comprehensive collection of his published pieces anywhere. In 1998 he was also awarded an hon- orary professorship in recognition of his contribution to poetry. Dr Tony Brown of Bangor University said Thomas would be greatly missed. ‘I worked with him on several occasions and found him to be a very austere man but with a dry sense of humour. I think that he’s left us with a magnificent body of poetry that is to be enjoyed by all.’ Plaid Cymru President, Ieaun Wyn also joined in praise: ‘He helped put Wales on the cultural map and was an inspiration and role model to numerous Welsh writers. His work will remain with us as a testament to the flowering of the Welsh writing in English and the emerging Welsh identity.’ All aboard for Chester! [email protected] NEWS SEREN October 2000 3 Cash Talent scouts injection snub Oxbridge

helters and projects in Bangor whilst St Mary’s night shelter is set orget Oxford and Cambridge: if it’s talent are set to receive a massive to receive £40,000. The grants are you’re after, look to Dundee and Lancas- Scash injection from the Assem- part of a massive Assembly payment Fter Universities, for they topped the list bly in an attempt to alleviate the of £3.6m and should have a pro- of institutions in a recent online survey of city’s mounting homeless problem. found effect across Wales. over 13,000 students carried out by online firm The boost follows a recent sur- Welcoming the funds, Agorfa co- redmole.com. The more prestigious centres of vey’s exploration of the extent of the ordinator Helen Snedker said ‘This excellence failed to make it into the top ten. problem in North Wales. City-based is really good news. This means we Lancaster was voted best for good-looking Agorfa, a group which helps home- can build on our work and go for- men, with Dundee a close second. The positions less people in the North Wales area, ward, offering a better service to were reversed when it came to women. Lough- was just one of the many parties to our clients by helping them through borough was voted the best all-round univer- benefit. It has secured £218,000 to their tenancy.’ sity. Bangor came a disappointing forty-fifth. cover its running costs for the next ‘We will be offering day-to-day A Red Mole spokesman however, stressed three years. help to ensure clients settle into that although the quality of teaching was taken Bangor Diocesan group Cywaith their new homes and maintain their into consideration, more emphasis was put on Joseff will also get an extra £90,000, tenancies.’ the town’s accommodation, nightlife and, er, chances of pulling. In the overall winners category Exeter and University of London Royal Holloway were the only southern Universities to make it into the top ten. For quality of nightlife Leeds came up trumps; while Dundee stole the title for the most friendly place and having the best rela- tions with the locals. Explaining the aims of the survey, Mr Eagles said ‘We don’t include the normal “quality of the library or facilities” nonsense, but we do tell you how good the nightlife is, how fit the “talent” Reproduced from the Lancaster University is and how the Union compares with other Uni- 2000 prospectus with kind permission versities — that’s what really matters.’ Newsbriefs And the survey says Cartoonists Turns out the nation’s favourite is still chips doori.’ Or something like reveal your naughtier side. The that. Their authority? A psychometric arm of the British wanted Gallup poll showing that Potato Council has produced a alling all writers and cartoonists! ‘Alter- fish and chips are still the damning report promising ‘interest- Cnative’ comic Smut is looking for contrib- nation’s favourite take- ing insights to your personality and utors due to its editorial team ‘becoming old away. Over 300 million your sexual appetites,’ based on, and senile.’ Applicants are invited to send chip takeaways are con- yes, you guessed it, chips. ‘Scoff- samples of their work to the editors, with sumed each year, which, ers,’ it suggests, like it ‘frozen or the promise of good pay if they are success- combined with the frozen chilled, available day or night and ful. Anyone after more info and a free copy chips consumed by those smothered in whatever sauces you of the mag should send a 31p SAE to: Arf Car- too lazy to go to the can lay your hands on.’ ‘Grumblers,’ toons, PO Box 5260, Derby, DE73 1YW chippy, amounts to over meanwhile, spend their lives look- Fish and... wait for it... 2 million tonnes of ing for their dream chip, like ‘the potatoes per annum. The one you had in your childhood but orget the fuel crisis, Middle main reason for this, says the Coun- can never quite regain.’ ‘Chips... can Logoland FEastern conflicts and tuition cil, is ‘the excellent quality of Brit- even be an aphrodisiac,’ the report fees. If Seren’s mailbox is any- ish potatoes.’ Well, they would, claims, illustrating the somewhat deas are being sought for a new Students’ Union logo. ‘The current thing to go by, the new hot topic wouldn’t they? dubious concept with the sugges- Ilogo is very outdated,’ spluttered SU President Mabon ap Gwynfor. in Britain is chips. ‘Bin the bolog- It gets better. According to tion of ‘spelling out L-O-V-E with ‘We need a universal logo which is simple enough to be easily repro- naise,’ advises the British Potato another British Potato Council press chips on your tummy and inviting duced, yet still maintains the unique identity of our Union.’ Ideas Council,’ and toss into the tan- release, your chip-eating habits can your partner to tuck in.’ are also being sought for a mural to be painted on the stairway lead- ing to the second floor of the Union building. Any sketches, ideas or suggestions should be handed to the Union’s General Office on the second floor. Sexual Anxiety Pack of 40 Chips aside, we worry more about our studies than sex rozen food giant Iceland has launched a two week ‘survival’ pack tudents worry more about their studies than sex, a sible when they go away to university and try to put a Faimed at students. The £40 pack contains ingredients and recipes Ssurvey has revealed. Missing lectures was the major stop to some of the mistakes that are made year after for a fortnight’s healthy eating, delivered to your door. Designed as a worry of 30% of second-years, while just 8% regretted year,’ explained marketing director Mark Hanson. way of ensuring that parental food contributions are spent on whole- sleeping with someone during Freshers’ Week. some groceries, the packs Most shocking of all was the fact that 42% of under- contain no genetically mod- graduates spent more than £200 on partying in their ified ingredients or artificial first week, despite the national debate about student colours, flavours or sweet- hardship. Students appear relaxed about this. eners. The meat or vege- Parents were more worried. 53% feared their off- tarian packs even include spring would not eat properly, while 29% were worried toilet roll and some kind of about who they might sleep with. 14% sent their chil- magic stickers to deter food dren off with a packet of condoms. thieves. One major short- The survey was carried out by Capibus and based on coming, however, is the lack interviews with 1,423 parents and students on behalf of alcohol. of web-site giant www.student-world.co.uk. ‘We want to help students have the best time pos- This does not concern you 4 SEREN October 2000 ANALYSIS [email protected] Pump action The recent fuel protests raised serious questions about our preparedness for a crisis

ust as you thought it was safe to go back total loss of life. A plane hijacked in November to Uni… no, not an advert for a slasher 1996 ditched into the sea after running out movie; but the real-life horror story for of fuel, and instead of lying gracefully on the most of the country makes pretty chill- surface (as the safety cards suggest), it nose- ing reading. dived, making straight for the bottom. Most JWe’re talking about no petrol in the pumps, passengers didn’t even get to unclip their seat- newspaper images of burning tyres, virtually no belts. The recent Concorde accident in France, buses at all, operations at Ysbyty Gwynedd cut which killed everyone on board, showed that to a minimum and general disruption of eve- even the safest planes are fallible. History’s rything. Apart from coinciding almost exactly lessons seem to be ignored: remember a cer- with the time when thousands of students need tain ship in 1912 that was designed to be to travel hundreds of miles in heavily loaded unsinkable? We must all have been preoccu- cars to universities around the UK, what has pied with staring at Leonardo DiCaprio and the protest done for us? Or more accurately, Kate Winslet. what has it done to us? These cases are not irrelevant. The gov- What we’re supposed to do in any kind ernment would prefer us never to worry, as of crisis is dig in, forget about it, and eat to anxiety can lead to unrest and disorder. The improve our morale. So we go to Safeway only efforts to lull us into a false sense of security to find empty shelves and restrictions on may please some, but not all patients respond how much we can buy. ‘Only two bread prod- to placebo treatment. ‘We’re prepared,’ the One motorist fills his tank while he can ucts and two bottles of milk per customer,’ message is. ‘We’ll survive.’ But often we’re not, the signs say. When we get home to eat our and we won’t. exactly when you start losing hair and vomit- or concern themselves with the details — it’s two bread products and drink our two bottles There was a comic-book once produced ing? The cheery announcers of the time prom- all in place, and we’ll ride it out like we rode of milk, we’re basically okay if we’re on elec- for the public’s amusement by our benevolent ised that WRVS volunteers would come around out the Blitz. Or something. tricity. Anyone needing bottled gas deliveries government. It was entitled Protect and Sur- with tea trolleys, biscuits and jigsaws. Is this The problem is that it’s all so much horse could well be pretty screwed. The full national vive. Its purpose was to teach citizens how to concept from the team that brought us Noddy elbows. The fuel crisis pretty much proves it. cost of the protest has not been assessed, but survive a direct nuclear strike on Britain. Not and The Woodentops? It was no natural disaster or war. It was a it’s likely that many small businesses will go only did it contradict itself (advising readers Decades have passed since then, and the group of protesters, mostly peaceful, making under due to their losses. first to ‘take off doors and nail them at an Cold War has evaporated to leave a confused a point about tax. We ground to a standstill. To be fair, the price of fuel is exorbitant, angle to an inner wall as a shelter,’ then later and fragmented world where many new and If this event can take out so much of our infra- and everyone has the right to demonstrate. to ‘close all doors’), it was uncertain. Do you small nations have nuclear weapons of their structure so quickly, how can we say we were 84% of people surveyed in opinion polls sup- whitewash your windows, or black them out? own. Alliances are tangled, complex and unsta- prepared? We’re not even prepared for the port the protest. Perhaps the protesters went How do you decontaminate the water you’ve ble. The word on nuclear conflict is ‘it might, eventual depletion of fossil fuels. It’s not as if too far; but we should look beyond this issue we’ve developed vehicles that can convert to to see what wider implications the crisis has. alternative power sources in an emergency. It goes beyond being able to drive your car How would we cope with a nuclear war? A wherever you like. ‘We’re prepared,’ the message pandemic? A global drought or famine? Major Our government prides itself on the boy- flooding? A meteor strike? The only answer to scout ethic of always being prepared. The citi- is. ‘We’ll survive.’ But often the non-sedated has to be that we wouldn’t, zen need not ever worry, it tells the nation, and couldn’t. Nothing is in place to protect as we are equipped for any kind of national we’re not, and we won’t. us; any preparations would be unlikely to do emergency that could ever occur — thereby much good, and no form of protection can be diverting our attention from questioning its totally relied upon. We’re not prepared, and level of preparedness. ‘Mother knows best’ is stored in another room, and how do you but it won’t.’ Even at home, we brush nuclear someone somewhere keeps lying that we are. the order of the day. As Tyler Durden tells the reach it if you have to stay under the door accidents off as ‘just a little leak.’ And assumptions will not defend, they can narrator in Fight Club, it’s in the establishment’s for two weeks? How do you get two people, We had a Millennium Bug book that was only sedate. best interests to anaesthetise the minds of the two weeks’ food and a toilet bucket under a for the most part fairly sensible. We have So it’s not the fault of the protesters citizens so that they are docile and controlla- lean-to made from a couple of doors? How do public information booklets on small things really. Blair and co. should have made some ble. Aeroplanes have ‘be prepared’ laminated you hear the all-clear on the radio if the radio like house fires and burglary. These make kind of provision beforehand to alleviate its cards telling us we can survive a plane crash. has in fact melted? How do you give first aid sense. But for bigger problems and disasters, effects. It’s a failure of the philosophy of But most planes that crash seem to − for to a blast-injured relative with whom you’re the policy is simply to inform the population believing that everything will be fine because some unfathomable reason − blow up, with squashed under a door; and how do you cope that it’s all taken care of. They needn’t worry, someone told you so. Hiding snake Bangor researcher discovers new species of the snake. Now the classification of this cobra skin grafts, which most locals cannot afford or obtain. For makes the total number of species 11. The discov- those snakebite victims who are lucky enough to survive the ery was made during Dr. Wüster’s PhD research. bite and the transfer to hospital – and who can afford the The species was previously unidentified, and, as skin grafts – there is a three-month wait for surgery. Myan- Dr. Wüster says, ‘the fact that something as spec- mar has one of the world’s highest mortality rates from snake tacular as a cobra can remain undiscovered for so bites. As there are separate snake species, new anti-venoms long is amazing.’ will need to be developed. The snake itself is threatened by There are very few known specimens of the human activity: as it lives in a small area of dense human habi- Burmese Spitting Cobra. It grows to around 1.4 tation, it may be over-exploited. Snakes are hunted through- Snakeswimming deserves a quiet night metres in length, and lives for up to 20 years in out Asia for food, for snakeskin leather products, and for captivity. Its lifespan in the wild is unknown, but it medicinal use. The trade in snake products is popular in Asia, lecturer from Bangor’s School of Biological Sciences is longer-lived than similar-sized mammals. Its eggs take two although treaties exist to prevent it. Conservation is difficult has identified and classified a new species of snake. or three months to hatch. Its habitat is dry, and it is confined as snakes have a poor image. Most people are afraid of snakes, A The Burmese Spitting Cobra is an egg-laying venomous to a small geographical range. The snake is just as dangerous and local Burmese subsistence farmers risk snakebite all the snake found in a region around Mandalay in central Myanmar as other cobras, but can spit venom for considerable distances time. Bites mean loss of labour. (formerly Burma). This represents an important scientific dis- (this makes it very different from the Monocled Cobra, which Dr. Wüster believes we should raise public awareness covery, as previously it was believed that this snake was a also lives in Myanmar, but which can only bite). If the venom about the snake and the merits of protecting it. Snakes only single species. Dr. Wolfgang Wüster, who has studied herpe- gets into a human eye it causes immediate severe pain and bite to defend themselves, and will not attack if left alone. tology since 1986 and spent the last 14 years researching these damage. A bite can be very painful, and causes tissue necro- The Burmese Spitting Cobra lives in the fields and eats rats, snakes in Asia, found that there are in fact ten separate species sis of the affected limb. This can require extensive and costly thereby reducing crop loss from rodents. [email protected] ANALYSIS SEREN October 2000 5 Economic slavery Jim Killock considers how the rich get richer while the poor stay poor

een the news lately? If so then you might have noticed relief’ to ‘developing’ nations, and by arranging ‘business tion of the population (the middle class) whilst everybody that the global economic system, of which we are all investments’ (whilst, incidentally, supporting some decid- else works for the minimum wage. Fact: one day’s global Spart, has been taking some shit from a growing number edly dodgy regimes in the process, e.g. Myanmar, Indonesia, ‘defence’ spending would pay for one year’s primary school of people — not all of whom, strangely, are ex-public-school Nigeria... the list goes on). This they manage by siphoning education for all the world’s children. boys looking for brief notoriety and a fight with the law. The governments’ money – i.e. your taxpaying parents’ money Recent demonstrations in Seattle, London, Prague, and World Bank and the International Monetary Fund are insti- – into lucrative projects such as the Bhopal chemical plant, the non-event in Okinawa (perhaps due to the 22,000 police tutions whose methods and ethics are finally being ques- South American mining exploration, oil and gas develop- and soldiers, oh, and the eight warships, provided by the tioned, not only by left-wing economists, Trotskyists, etc., ments, Turkish dams, etc. Many if not all of these projects Japanese government) – have served to demonstrate that but by a substantial section of society and hopefully by have a proven negative effect on both the environment and there exists an increasing tide of disaffection with and dis- you. These institutions have a 54-year history of controlling the economies of the host countries. approval of these organisations and their co-conspirators, the world’s money, who has it, and where it goes, effec- Whilst providing employment at ridiculously low wages such as McDonalds (coming soon to a street near you), tively choosing which of the world’s people deserve a share (and you thought £3.70 an hour was harsh) to those in whose global strategy and 100% profit-making ethic make of its wealth. They do this by arranging ‘credit’ and ‘debt direct contact with those developments – or exploitations it and its creed darlings of the World Bank. Evidently the as they could more fairly be mass media, with its need to defend the status quo, has called – the subsequent debt reported riots, arrests and general mayhem as the norm — and revenue which flows but, incredibly, omits the conferences and discussions, and directly out of countries via the agenda which unites many different movements cam- the hands of corporations paigning for a fairer world. Speak or shout for those who rather than into the hands of can’t, to reply to criticisms in rags like the Sun, happy to the producers rarely reaches depict ‘spoilt brats with nothing better to do than put the the majority of their popu- boot in.’ Almost a fact: for every US dollar given to the lations, who are having the World Bank to hand out, it is thought that two come back piss taken out of them. This to the US in business contracts. The secret of their ten-year system of exploitation is economic boom is not the genius of Clinton and co., but a essential to keep the global well-executed policy to fuck the world. economy, as it presently So, is there a solution, short of the violent and bloody stands, in action. Cheap overthrow of the ruling class? At first glance, it would appear labour at the point of origin that no, there isn’t. Internet anarchy? Technological advance? means that goods are pro- Green anarchy? Industrial Marxist society? Blair and the duced for sale at inflated ‘Third Way’? The Tory Party? (It hurt to even type that.) Vir- prices in the ‘developed’ tual money, obliterating the need for cash transactions, and world, thereby increasing the automatically giving every person on the planet the same wealth of a minority of share- wealth? Or do we let faceless bastards, who don’t even pre- holders, board members, and tend to give a shit, rob, rape, and defile our planet? It’s your Anti-IMF protesters in Washington DC a comparatively small sec- future too, folks. Sport for all The disabled can be contenders too

ose Hill, wheelchair athlete. Trischa weaker people. Harnesses and hoists enable shooting, bowling and table-tennis are a few those who don’t know, canyoneering is about Zorn, blind swimmer. The image of the disabled sailing trainees to be lifted up examples and all might be possible. We have a group of people who climb sideways along Rdisabled people who succeed in their into the rigging, and the more able can assist a dry-skiing slope nearby, and those with an inaccessible cliff high above water, and chosen sport is perhaps not as public as it with furling and unfurling the sails. more mobility could try skiing. Even for the then jump from the cliff into the water, and could be. Yet there are disabled dance com- A man with severe cerebral palsy, Clive very restricted it is feasible to be a passenger then climb back up and do it again. Bungee panies, wheelchair basketball leagues and Bailey, attended one such voyage. He was in another vehicle: boat trips, light aircraft, jumping, bungee running, reverse bungee, of course the Paralympics to match the regu- hoisted up in his wheelchair and said he driving. Disabled sub-aqua diving is becom- bar-flying (the sport where you wear a velcro lar Olympic Games and the less well-known enjoyed the view. Other tasks the pairs do ing more well-known. Those with learning suit and vault up and stick onto a velcro Elder Olympics (for senior citizens) and Gay are preparing food and cleaning the ship, and difficulties have gone on supervised gorge- wall)…. ‘Look not on what you can’t do but Games. Baden-Powell of the Scouts was a being on watch on rotating shifts. walking, climbing and even canyoneering. For on what you can.’ pilot despite being a wheelchair user. People Even wheelchair-bound with disabilities have managed to do hang- people are helped to sail gliding, swimming, even in some cases para- dinghies and crew small chuting (in tandem with an instructor). powerboats, to climb steep A big problem with participation in sport mountains (on people’s by disabled people is that it’s not thought backs and by hauling up of as possible, let alone desirable. This leads inclines), to climb cliffs and to a culture of neglect of disabled kids, even abseil down them, to go those who would like to do sport or at least canoeing and whitewater try something new. rafting. Driving is obvi- What exists to help disabled young people ously an option for some, take part in sports and adventure sports? The and if you’re in good charity Riding For The Disabled is in charge of general health otherwise, arranging and teaching horse riding to chil- there is offroad driving and dren and young people, some of whom are 4x4s, quad biking, mon- severely physically restricted. Most schools in ster trucks, motor racing the comprehensive system these days tend to and rally driving, bumper lay on provision for disabled children learn- cars, stock cars, go-kart- ing to swim, alongside the other children. ing, even tank driving. It Another charitable organisation, the Jubilee all depends on your abili- Trust, runs sailing holidays on board a real ties, but people have gone sailing ship, for disabled people and able- tobogganning, sledging, bodied partners. Able-bodied single people sand-yachting, parascend- are paired up with a disabled person, whom ing, gliding, sometimes they have to look after for the duration of caving. Some sports don’t the voyage. The ship’s wheel is electronically necessarily require you to assisted, making steering the ship easier for be fully mobile. Archery, Wheelchair hockey: proof – if proof be need be – that disabled sport rocks 6 SEREN October 2000 MUSIC [email protected]

with Clare Lewis Musicello mon pookies stuff? My God. Maybe if we’re really good Sleeper or Echo- has finally got some airplay on UK radio... with a goddamn and welcome to the belly will pay us a visit. remix. Yep, gothic torch song ‘Silence’ has gone a bit Pete Hwonderful world of And if we’re really, really good, Mark and Lard may Tong. Like every ‘alternative’ song jazzed up by some uni- Seren’s music section. This never come back. It’s time to put the Shirehorses out to form ‘CHCHCHCHCHCHCHCH’ noises, it’ll amuse the club- month has some choice pasture, lads. Was I the only person more than slightly bing bunnies for a while and then get the mother of all back- goodies in for review and embarrassed that this tired ‘comedy’ act was the only thing lashes directed at it without ever selling an album for the we add our tuppence we could trot out for Fresher’s Week? We did try to corner original artist. That high chart position is kind of a hollow worth of thought to the great ‘Kid A: Genius masquerading them to ask if they’d got any new jokes since last year’s victory. Just ask Tori Amos, Cornershop (who have sunk as arty pants or just plain arty pants?’ debate. dismal show but they ran off to the pub. Hmm…. into obscurity, unlike their remixer, one Norman Cook), Bangor has a big musical happening this month: top Irking me this month: remixes of perfectly fine songs. and the countless others we’ve all forgotten now. Chester-based band (I can’t believe I just said that) Mansun There is no safe haven, is there? Sarah McLachlan, who has Oh, and yes, we are a bit slender this month. Mailing are performing in Time! And only what, four years after a voice like an angel and some of the most blissful piano- lists and all that. Blame the man, the system, the red tape peopled actually listened to / gave a damn about their based ballads ever on her many succesful American albums and not in any way your friendly local Music Editor. Singles Coldplay Trouble At last, a band with tunes and feeling! A Child’s play song by people who play from the heart. Or maybe not, but that doesn’t matter cos Kid A by Radiohead it sounds like they do. Haunting, simple piano coupled with soaring guitar lines then o finally, Kid A has arrived. Amid fevered hype and topped off with Chris Martin’s untouchable high expectations among what seems like half voice. I can’t gush enough about how good Sthe record-buying public in the entire world, this single is but in a word — beautiful. here it is, the difficult fourth album. ‘Trouble’ is a pop song that deserves to go The band have made no secret of the record’s to the top of the charts. It’s just unfortu- more experimental leanings, and true enough, nate that it won’t. HHHHH EMB it’s a strange LP which variously recalls Spiritual- ized (‘Motion Picture Soundtrack’), Aphex Twin MJ Cole Crazy Love (‘Idioteque’), Orbital (‘Everything In Its Right Ewww, UK garage. Usually, this reviewer can Place’) and Autechre (errm, other bits of it). On find at least one song in every genre that one occasion it even sounds like Radiohead; the he likes, but MJ Cole and his bland MOR acoustic strum and warped choirs of ‘How To ilk just leave him cold. ‘Crazy Love’ is shit, Disappear Completely’ wouldn’t have felt out of obviously. It skates across the listener’s con- place on OK Computer. sciousness like an expensive-but-fashiona- On one level, Kid A’s warped electronica bly-dressed oil slick, leaving no impression works. The looped vocals of the title track disori- at all as it oozes chartwards. You already entate the listener in a good way, and the afore- know what it sounds like: lightweight mentioned ‘Idioteque’ even goes so far as to have a drum’n’bass blended with saccharine soul- groove to it. It kinda works as chill out background lite vocals about, y’know, crazy love and music, if occasionally getting a little too heavy going. that. Christ. IIIII Dan Hartley However, there are three problems. First of all, the album is largely a tune-free zone. Many bands are suc- Llama Farmers Snow White cessfully combining new-fangled electronic music with The Llama Farmers could have called this ‘I old-fashioned concepts like melodies (Super Furry Ani- Wish I Was In Nirvana,’ because the band is mals, Primal Scream, Asian Dub Foundation, Doves, obviously besotted with US alt.rock. Gently Death In Vegas etc.) so there’s no need for Kid A to chiming guitars suddenly give way to HUGE be so devoid of choruses and hook lines. OK Computer power chords and lots of shouty singing. It’s managed to be original sonically and have tunes, so all very nice, but you can’t help but feel that the lack of them here just seems like laziness. it’s all a bit pointless, what with a thousand The second problem is that, despite its disdain other bands doing it better (Muse, JJ72, My for traditional song structure, the album is not Vitriol et al). Still, B-side ‘Wez’ shows that experimental enough. Radiohead have merely aped there’s a bit more to the Farmers than nick- Orbital and Aphex Twin without expanding upon ing old Smashing Pumpkins riffs. A bunch those acts’ musical uniqueness. They sound like Tonight, Matthew, to watch out for. HHHII Dan Hartley exactly what they are; a guitar band who have tried we’re going to be Suede to make an avant-garde electronic record. Kid A lacks Muki I Don’t Want to Know any breathtaking moments of sonic innovation; there’s nothing here At the end of the day it’s in the compromise between trying This is dance. You can tell it’s dance ‘cos that makes you sit up and think ‘I never heard anyone try that their hardest to be experimental and not wanting to alienate too it’s crap. The unfortunate thing is that the before,’ like on every single Aphex record. many fans that Radiohead’s new album fails. It’s not that it’s a B-side that isn’t a remix is actually quite A final problem – and it’s a big one – is that the album lacks bad album, it’s just hard to figure out who is going to like it. The good. Sophie Barker’s voice is very pleas- any kind of direction or cohesion. The tunes drift aimlessly into one Travis-buying public will be turned off by the record’s emotional ant, conjuring up comparisons with Sarah another, and wash over the listener, making no impression. Even coldness and lack of tunes, while Aphex Twin fans already have McLaughlin in my mind, and the elegant and Thom Yorke seems somehow disconnected from proceedings, his many bands to love who do this sort of thing a lot better. A flawed gentle acoustic guitar makes the song com- voice oddly restrained. experiment. HHHII Dan Hartley plete. If they hadn’t made a ‘Truesperanto Remix’ as the single I’d say buy it. But they have. So don’t. HIIII EMB Nine Inch Nails at the same time. Which is cool, obviously. Sisqò Unleash the Dragon Not all the tracks work: ‘Lunch,’ ‘Ash There used to be a time when R’n’B meant Gothic novel Wednesday’ and about four other songs white people with guitars playing the blues, Bossa Nova by Shivaree all merge into one amorphous goth-hop but with rhythm. Think Jimmy Page and mass, and Parsley’s lyrics basically scream Peter Green. Funny how things change innit? hivaree are fronted by Ambrosia Pars- soundscapes that Shivaree create occa- ‘I’m dead interesting, I am’ utterly failing to Because now R’n’B means shite like Sisqò and ley, indisputably the woman with the sionally sound fantastic, although some- convey any sort of emotion whatsoever. his ilk, singing about thongs and unleash- Scoolest name in rock today. But what times they collapse under the weight of too Bossa Nova is, basically, decent back- ing dragons. This is R’n’B by numbers, with does the band actually sound like? The many trip-hop clichés. For example, the ground music for goth parties. That doesn’t those skittery hi-hats, ‘funky’ bass and soul- short answer is, Shivaree sound like the ace guitar loops of the title track and the make it bad, but it’s not exactly gonna less soul singing. Predictably, there’s a rap goth Sneaker Pimps. piano and percussion onslaught of ‘Arling- change the world, now, is it? HHHII bit towards the end, and equally as predict- This isn’t as bad as it sounds. The creepy ton Girl’ put me mind of Portishead and Dan Hartley ably, it sucks. HIIII EMB [email protected] MUSIC SEREN October 2000 7 Boo madly Go With Yourself by Brave Captain

artin Carr’s triumphant return. You know, Martin Carr Track seven reminds me of Blur – a bit ‘Beetlebum’, a bit from The Boo Radleys? Remember them? Well, Martin ‘Bugman’ – but with strings as well. Nice. MCarr is now Brave Captain. I assume there’s a band as Track eight will take you by surprise. It did me; it sounds well; it’s hard to tell from the press release. like The Beautiful South for fuck’s sake! And after all this trying Brave Captain released a mini-LP in August — The Fingertip to be weird it comes as something of a gear shift. Saint Sessions Volume 1. Did you get it? No? I don’t blame you, it Does he have a problem with staying power? It’s hard to passed me by as well. Anyway, this is their first full length LP. say. Track one is under two minutes long and sputters out. Nine tracks! Just count them! Go on! Count them, damn you! Track five started so well — simple guitar lines backed up by Nine! And I have no idea what any of them is called — it says a bit more brass, and it was good – even when he fails to hit nothing on the sleeve and it says nothing on the press release. the right notes you don’t notice it for long – but again it’s all I get the impression Brave Captain is trying to be experi- over after two minutes. Then there’s track nine, which goes on mental. Perhaps Martin is still plagued by the straightforward, for nearly nine minutes. It’s a jam! They’re just jamming along easily accessible ‘Wake up Boo.’ Get over it, dude. Stupid noises and left the 8-track going! It’s like the end of ‘Come On’ by The and general discord is not necessarily the answer. Track six is Verve, only it doesn’t rock and it isn’t very interesting. a great example of this — it starts like a return to the friendly Overall this is an entertaining not-debut. It doesn’t rock, pop song but then loses the plot amidst chaotic Spiritualized you can’t dance to it, but you can listen to it and not be Is this man trying too hard? brass before going back to the song properly. It’s not a huge too bored. Perhaps this is why the half-hearted experimenting departure for the song; it just seems to be put in there to guar- — okay, some of the noises seem to be in there because ‘it I wouldn’t get this worked up during an album review but the antee it won’t get too much radio coverage. There’s no need. worked for Primal Scream,’ but they do make the songs a bit press release told me something that grates, just a little: this Track four, again with the chaos. What’s the matter with more interesting than they would’ve been otherwise. This is an album was recorded at Ofn Stiwdios. Anglesey. Fucking Angle- you, boy? You couldn’t just let it alone, could you? It started album that’ll grow on you if you persevere. And you should. sey. What’s the matter with him? He can come all the way out with promise; a bit of guitar, then piano, then a weird sample And this is where the review ends. But I have one last thing here to record but he’s to good to play a gig here for all the of someone laughing, then end of the lyric with a repeat on to say: Brave Captain are to make their live debut in November. students desperate to hear a bit of live music? Bastard. I give your voice. Cool. But the chaos? It works, don’t get me wrong, Only a handful of dates, not too high profile at all. But why isn’t the album HHHHI; I give Martin Carr a big fat IIIII but I’ve heard it done so much better. he coming to Bangor? God damn it! And him! And all his kind! for being a git. I’m sorry, but I’m trying to quit smoking. EMB Sparkless Wishville by The Size doesn’t matter In the Mode by Roni Size / Reprazent Catherine Wheel he winner of the Mercury Music Prize a couple of years Current single ‘Who Told You’ sets the tone for most of his is The Catherine Wheel’s fifth outing (not count- ago returns with a less ambitious album than his previ- the album: brutal jungle beats, deep juddering bass and taut, ing Like Cats and Dogs — ‘an album of non-album Tous, award winning effort. Where New Forms seemed spat-out vocals. Reprazent even get a couple of famous friends Ttracks’) and I have to admit I’d never even heard of specifically designed to reside on the nation’s coffee tables, to help out; Wu-Tang’s Method Man crops up on ‘Ghetto Star’, them before. The Catherine Wheel boys have been plod- In The Mode has been touted as a return to Roni Size’s roots. while Rage Against The Machine’s Zack De La Rocha lends his ding along all this time never quite acheiving the success The direct result of this is that much of Size’s second LP with unmistakable voice to ‘Centre Of The Storm.’ they yearn for; will this album be the shot at stardom the Reprazent ‘crew’ sounds like it was recorded in the mid This record’s major drawback is that every single tune that they hope for? 90s, when drum’n’bass was still ‘underground’. (and there’s upwards of 20 of them) sounds identical. New I’m sorry, but no. This is a perfectly adequate album, The irony, of course, is that it was Reprazent who thrust Forms experienced similar problems, but at least that had but that’s as far as it goes. ‘Mad Dog’ and ‘Ballad of a Run- the genre into the mainstream in the first place, so this a few stand-out moments of experimentation. In The Mode ning Man’ almost stand out by virtue of their extreme apparent attempt to go back underground smacks not only will probably not sell as many copies as its predecessor, and blandness. The tragedy is, they’re not bad, just very run- of inverted snobbery, but almost seems like an apology for you do have to question Size’s motives for releasing such a of-the-mill. Don’t get me wrong, just about all albums introducing d’n’b to the masses. backwards-looking record. HHHII Dan Hartley have filler tracks; but Wishville doesn’t come up with the goods the rest of the time. ‘What We Want To Believe In’ starts with a James- esque opening riff but goes downhill from there. A good riff doesn’t make a good song, and when the lyrics and their delivery have all been done a thousand times before the wannabe-anthem chorus is bound to fall a Goatbox little flat. ‘Gasoline’ has a slight Suede feel to it – espe- cially the bassline – but fails to go anywhere interest- GOAT: The Greatest of ing, so, at four minutes twenty, it’s a good minute and a half too long. All Time by LL Cool J There are highlights to the album though. The open- ing track, ‘Sparks Are Gonna Fly,’ is a great stomp-along but one-dimen- anything particularly interesting. While that conjures up immediate Super Furry Animals paral- sional drunkard Grandmaster Flash, Run-DMC and even lels (if not as experimental) and promises greatness. ‘All chef in Deep Blue Public Enemy have faded, to be replaced Of That’ has an interesting drum pattern offsetting the Sea. by the millennial sneer of the Blood- nicely understated guitar and organ. ‘Idle Life’ brings It’s perhaps hound Gang, Limp Bizkit and, yes, in the standard string section that all indie bands seem no surprise then Eminem, LL is still banging on, wholly prone to using and, while not quite in the same league that G.O.A.T., his without irony, about ‘life on the streets.’ as The Verve or even Embrace, rises above the other first proper LP It’s an especial disappointment because straight-ahead, unassuming indie-rock tracks. in nearly seven these aren’t even LL’s true colours; until The trouble is, ‘good enough’ seems to be as far as years, finds him the mid-1990’s his was a sensitive, intel- they can go. Even the closer, ‘Creme Caramel’, finishes keen to remind ligent voice even at its most belligerent. not with a bang, a chantable chorus or a full-on rock- us of his glori- Nowadays it’s all fuck this, fuck that, out but just fades away leaving a rather poor impres- Seren cannot fuck with this man ous past, both bitch this, nigga that. It’s disappointing sion of the album as a whole. in the somewhat stuff from the man who got all the way This isn’t a bad album, and that’s what really hurts. he years have not been kind to LL strange title of this album (does any- through 1991’s vein-bursting ‘Mama Said I couldn’t in good conscience recommend that people Cool J. Riding high on the back of body else find the word ‘goat’ at all dis- Knock You Out’ without swearing once. go out and buy it when I know that there are far supe- Tthree epochal albums, he entered tracting?), and repeatedly throughout Still, the music’s pretty funky, and rior indie albums that don’t get the credit they deserve. the nineties a universally-respected the lyrics. Sadly, however, LL seems to it’s hard not to bob your head to Perhaps if you already had every good album going and young hip hop pioneer, namechecked have neglected to bring his work up to tracks like ‘Can’t Think’ and ‘Hello’, had a spare tenner lying around then you could check by every emcee and thanked on every date, and there’s not much here that – on making this album far from unliste- this out, but I think you’d be disappointed. Wishville record sleeve. Yet in 2000 if he’s remem- a cursory listen – would have sounded nable. Nevertheless, from the self- is not good. It’s not great. It’s average. It’s not even bered at all it’s chiefly for the wholly out of place on 1993’s 14 Shots to the proclaimed ‘Future of the Funk,’ this average that’ll sell, like Travis, it’s average that’ll get average ‘Ain’t Nobody’ from Beavis and Dome. His delivery is as smooth as ever is disappointingly uninspired stuff. you dumped by your record label. Sorry guys, maybe Butthead Do America and as the loveable but the trouble is, he’s simply not saying HHHII Darien Graham-Smith number six will be the lucky one? HHHII EMB 8 SEREN October 2000 MOVIES [email protected]

with Chris Chapman Moviesadies and gentlemen, you are a new, uncorrupted fresher type, then welcome to We’re always on the lookout for new writers here, so Lwelcome to the brand All The Right Movies, a lovely film section thing. If you’re if anyone is brave enough, just write to me on that lovely spanking new film edi- not a first year, then you know the drill; you’ve seen all this address at the top of the page (bribes will be considered, torial (sound of cheering before, you have my pity. but probably not accepted). In advance, I must apologise crowd, smash of cham- This month has provided us with a rather odd bunch of for any future gratuitous references to General Zod, Brian pagne bottle on string movies: for once, we’ve had the chance to legitimately dole Blessed, Mary Poppins, Goonies and Commando. However, I against Seren computer). out some five star reviews, but we’ve also had to cope with will be attempting to help all students by avidly campaign- We don’t usually do this, so bear with me here. Firstly, I do a couple of dubious-smelling big hitters. Read on and you ing for the execution of Steve Guttenberg. I’m sure you are apologise for the arrival of my ugly mug (left) on the pages will discover all. The Genius! article is a new feature that all behind me: I will take the matter to the International of Seren. My editor is a sadist and there is little I can do. If will return in future months. Court of Human Rights if necessary. Creepy hollow Hollow Man, now showing at the Plaza cinema

hat’s that? You want me to link Big Kev to Adolf Hitler in six steps? No prob- Wlem. Kev was in JFK with Tommy Lee Jones; Mr Lee Jones shared his screen time with Robert Downey Jnr in US Marshalls; Dodgy Downey played Charlie Chaplin in…er… Chap- lin; and finally, Chaplin himself satirised Hitler in The Great Dictator! There ya go! So Kevin Bacon is officially linked to Hitler. But wait! Kevin’s suddenly disappeared! Goddammit, the whole equation is breaking down! Damn you Kev for playing the Hollow Man; my sad party games are ruined! Paul Verhoeven (Robocop, Starship Troopers) puts a new spin on the thirties classic movie The Invisible Man. This isn’t exactly the first time this has been tried; anyone remember Chevy Chase (Chevy Chase? Arrggghhh!) doing his see through thing in Memoirs of an Invisible Man? I bet you wish you didn’t. This time round, Hollow Man tells the story of slightly bonkers scientist Sebastian Caine (a name loaded with evil), played by Big Kev, who, along with his dippy team of scientists (including Elizabeth Shue and ex-big brother in Goonies, Josh Brolin), has discovered the secret of invisibility. Caine’s ego gets in the way however, and rather than hand over his completed formula to the gov- ernment for human testing, he tries it out on ‘... and when I flick this switch your acne will also be invisible.’ himself. Chaos ensues as he takes a turn for the psychotic, attempting to dispose of anyone invisibility. God, and you would have thought However, it’s when an invisible ape is interesting moral questions. However, it isn’t who knows of his invisibility. However, this it would be quite complicated. We then receive brought back into the land of visibility that explored clearly or sufficiently before Caine’s being a Verhoeven film, Caine is also a raging a guided tour round the invisibility labs (bear- the special effects really kick in. As the gorilla slight seediness spirals into full blown homi- pervert. We expected nothing less from the ing an unnerving similarity to the sets of returns to our sight, vein by vein, bone by bone, cidal tendencies (the only explanation we get is man behind Showgirls (so to speak). 80s Harvey Keitel shitfest, Saturn 3). In some muscle by muscle, we can see the visual genius that he’s feeling a little cooped up in the boring Hollow Man begins (and goes on) in a rather of the film’s more imaginative moments we of Verhoeven’s film. This scene is repeated lab), and any questioning of sexual morality unconvincing vein; we are expected to believe are shown shuddering empty cages with little to greater, more emphatic effect when Caine is completely forgotten as the film transforms that Caine is randomly guessing new DNA pro- doggy barks emanating from inside, only to takes the invisibility plunge. These sequences into a by-numbers slasher flick. The whole cast grams with cute little circles on his home PC, see the little invisible mutts within via a heat are impressive, thankfully drawing us away is locked in the lab, and evil Caine goes after when he stumbles across the ultimate key to sensitive camera. from the clunky dialogue and rather unin- his Abel brothers one by one. All sense is lost spired characterisation of the team as the film proceeds to crash and burn. of boffins. In its first half, this is the Bacon does his best, hamming up as much film’s biggest flaw: each member of as possible, but the rest of the cast resembles the cast can be summed up in two an old log cabin. Verhoeven can’t really do H WIN GO ON VIDEO! H words. Mad ego; old flame; upstand- suspense or horror – he relies on shock tac- ing man; animal rights; goofy hair; tics and gore – but at least his use of Caine-o- Welcome, Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms/Unsure Seren Reader. I’ve been expecting you. Have a seat and ponder these et cetera et cetera. However, the spe- vision steadicam shows him trying to branch cunning fox-type questions. Be thoughtful, be vexed, be yourself. Just be. OK? cial effects are just about enough of a out into more sinister territory. However, the diversion. For now. film’s biggest saving grace is its special effects, 1 Who played ‘the greatest criminal mind the world has ever seen,’ The film is often laughable (many, consistently inventive, and actually putting Lex Luthor, in the Superman films? many arse/willy shots — put it away, annoying CGI to good use for once. Kev!) as the scientists cover inviso- In the end, if I have any reason to be sus- 2 In which film does Danny DeVito get Arnie pregnant? Bacon in what seems to be strawberry picious of this film, it would be its laboured 3 What is the name of the red-eyed, card-throwing mutant excluded mousse and are subsequently fooled reciting of a Superman/Wonder Woman joke by Caine’s ‘ingenious’ use of the looped that I was telling to fellow high-schoolers from the recent X Men movie? film trick out of Speed; yet Verhoeven many years ago on assorted rugby coaches. 4 Which James Bond movie pits 007 against Christopher Walken never really seems to have his tongue Perhaps this sums up the immature nature of and Grace Jones? (Grace Jones? Arggghhh!) in his cheek as he did on Robocop and Verhoeven’s films: as with many of his past Starship Troopers. Thus we are left with ventures (particularly Total Recall) Hollow 5 Is Mary Poppins evil? his usual unsubtle approach, but with Man leaves you with a dull yearning to see no giggling asides to balance it. what a more mature director could have You still here? Oh, the email address, right. Dispatch your answers to [email protected]! The The idea of invisible man as sex- done with such an initially interesting con- editor is very pretty and his decision is final. And no more death threats, hey? obsessed loon is something of a school- cept. I bet Kev wishes he really were invis- boy ploy, but it still raises some ible now. HHIII [email protected] MOVIES SEREN October 2000 9 No smoke without fire The Insider, available to rent now from Albin’s Video

asthma attack by telling her exactly what’s happening inside her lungs, Crowe has our undivided attention. Though he missed out on the Oscar for this role (it went to jammy Kevin Spacey), it’s still the best showing of his career. That’s not to say that Pacino underperforms: on the con- trary, he gives his best performance in some time, managing to tone down his usual shouty shouty attitude, making Berg- man both comforting and manipulative. However, in its later stages, the film relies far more on his character than on Crowe’s. Pacino suffers in this time simply because Crowe is so so impressive. Director Michael Mann (previously responsible for The Last of the Mohicans and Heat) has created a complex and incred- ibly detailed political piece that questions both the motives and the morals of the press and the real meaning of ‘in the public interest’. Its nearest cinematic relation is probably All The President’s Men, again a vast picture about the press uncov- ering a powerful scandal, told in the same kind of immense detail. However, a warning to anybody with an easily chal- lenged attention span: this is not a film for goldfish. It’s very much a slow burner, intentionally so, to show the giant politi- cal oak that arises from the initial curious acorn. Certain scenes stand out, particularly Wigand’s nervy Al, fancy a fag? encounter at the golf range, and his early confrontations with his bosses, turning both his life and our viewing into an ags, eh? They kill you, you know? Dangerous little bas- ority over his life and the people around him. And to make extremely claustrophobic experience. Christopher Plummer is tards. But what if it weren’t the cigarettes that were you even more apprehensive about that next cigarette, all the excellent in support as Pacino’s pompous interviewer, giving Fmaking attempts on your life, rather it was the gigantic, film’s events actually happened. a wonderfully two-faced performance. The score too, is per- seemingly-omnipotent tobacco factory that produces them? Crowe, now better known for being ‘husband to a mur- fectly suited, constantly off-kilter, disorientating, and aptly In Michael Mann’s The Insider, former tobacco scientist dered wife, father to a murdered son, owner of a mutilated portraying the lunacy of Wigand’s predicament. Geoffrey Wigand (Russell Crowe) is faced with just that prob- gerbil’ and wanting a whole lot of Roman vengeance, is in It is ironic that on the film’s release, the tobacco com- lem. Geoffrey is approached by 60 Minutes producer Lile Berg- completely different territory here. You may be used to his pany involved once again tried to silence Wigand’s message by man (Mr Al Pacino!) who needs the brainbox’s help in decipher- hard nut heroes in Gladiator and LA Confidential, but here, he trying to ruin the film’s box office chances. The film, just like ing some industry techno jargon. However, Wigand knows a tones down the madfella histrionics, puts on a few pounds, 60 Minutes, was threatened with censorship, but in both cases dark secret about his former employers, one that Bergman dyes his hair white and plays an altogether more subtle char- they won through. The Insider ably mixes politics, ethics and sets out to uncover. As the questioning continues, Wigand acter. Wigand is the emotional core of the movie, not a par- concern about family into a viper of a film, slithering silently and his family are stalked and threatened by the angry com- ticularly likeable character, but still the moral guardian of the along, but from time to time taking savage bites at its prey. pany, forcing him to ask himself whether the truth takes pri- piece. From the moment he sees his daughter through her Michael, you the Mann. HHHHH Don’t interrupt me! Girl, Interrupted, available to rent from Albin’s Video

hroughout my life I have been a checklist of clichés to include: 1. her beautifully tortured perform- So what does Girl, Interrupted locked up as I already know the plot; told that the men in white lead character is put in the psychi- ance as Gia in the film of the same teach us? Well, I learnt that psy- that psychiatric hospitals can look Tcoats are coming for me, but atric hospital for her own good; 2. name, this is of little surprise. But chiatric nurses are so dense as to much more accommodating than I’ll tell you what, if I’m going any- parents are suitably embarrassed; then again this is the woman who, in not realise a set of keys is missing; student halls, and something else… where resembling the mental hos- 3. lead character is befriended by reality, got married in leather with that it’s remarkably easy to get lost oh yeah: ‘Don’t point your finger at pital in this film I won’t put up any long-term psychiatric case and 4. the groom’s name written across in a simple corridor; not to watch crazy people!’ HHIII resistance. Only one thing would gets chummy with stereotypical her shirt in her own blood. Hmm. any new movies where people get Louise Phelps put me off: the baths are very far mental cases; 5. from private, and all leg shaving she makes a bid must be supervised by a cold eyed for freedom, but nurse (just in case you try to kill 6. fails, allowing yourself with your Bic Ladyshave). 7. a change of Apparently most patients choose personality and to stay fuzzy rather than ‘fell the subsequent 8. forest’ in front of these supervi- happy(ish) ending. sors. I don’t know if I could live in There is little a yeti-like state, but then again I’m embellishment of not crazy. Not as far as I know. this basic plot and Apparently Girl, Interrupted is you get to the supposed to be in the same vein as point of wishing One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, but Suzanna (Winona I’ve never seen that, so I couldn’t Ryder) would tell you. However, what I can tell finish her bloody you is that this movie has the same book so you can standard plot as any movie where beat her insipid the lead character gets institution- character around alised. It happened in the Shawshank the head with it. Redemption and it basically happens Even Whoopi here only with women in a psychi- Goldberg plays atric hospital. It’s a sad state of the same part she affairs when this ‘Hollywood dupli- always does — cation’ (as I have termed this syn- just think Star drome, such is my power) happens: Trek. The only you just feel cheated out of your character high- valuable time and your even more light is Angelina valuable money. You can practically Jolie’s criminally see someone just out of shot, with insane Lisa; given ‘I never seem to get any mail,’ sighed Winona 10 SEREN October 2000 MOVIES [email protected] Flower power Magnolia, available to rent now from Albin’s Video

eviewer A opened his eyes. They hurt like hell. Run- was Paul Thomas Anderson’s Magnolia. So, in preparation for ning a broken old comb through what was left of his this evening, he had hired this unknown quantity. Maybe get Rhair, he made his way from the couch to the front to know her a bit better. In some ways, it had reminded him of door, picking up his favourite leather jacket on the way. As the multi-plot devices of hip flicks Go and Pulp Fiction, but he he hurried along the silent suburban streets, his thoughts had soon realised that it was far more ambitious than either. somehow settled on the video he had watched the previous Anderson’s gleeful audacity at weaving so, so many storylines evening: Paul Thomas Anderson’s Magnolia. He remembered together, yet never losing plot logic or audience attention was with a wry smile how daunted he had previously felt upon the thing that seemed to stand out. The way they had weaved reading that the epic drama was going to go on for over certain central themes in to multiple story strands had really three hours. He also remembered how it had all been very impressed him. Returning themes of cancer, of the beauty and much worth it. Maybe he wouldn’t kill himself after all. sacredness of children and of not being able to escape your Reviewer B sat silently in her car. The keys were in the past were still troubling him now. Some of it had been so, ignition. The car was still in her garage. She was tempted. so dark, nastier than the last part of Anderson’s own Boogie Very tempted. Inexplicably, however, her thoughts wandered Nights. He sighed. Maybe he would kill himself after all. from vague images of life’s pointlessness to vague images Reviewer D waited patiently in the restaurant for Reviewer of Paul Thomas Anderson’s Magnolia. Her troubled thirty- C. He was late. Typical male. She was holding out hope that something mind tried in vain to form some kind of coher- he had not been a completely sad bastard and hired out Paul ent plot description for the complex, multi-plot story. She Thomas Anderson’s Magnolia; he was so very predictable. He was pretty sure that at its simplest level it revolved around could never really appreciate it like she did. He always concen- the two troubled events of a long running children’s game trated on the depressing things: he would have overlooked show and the death of an old, rich father with a missing son. just how funny this particular film was. Personally, she pre- She recalled with a dirty grin how Tom Cruise had wisely ferred it to the excellent Boogie Nights. Tom Cruise’s stage ditched his Kubrickian bemusement and John Woo ego and arrival to the tune of that music out of 2001, ‘RESPECT THE ably taken on the persona of hysterical yet tragic ‘Seduce and COCK!’, that had made her giggle. The frankly bizarre but Destroy’ men’s group visionary John Mackey. She thought he ingenious final rainstorm too, and not forgetting the inspired had been very good, particularly in his confrontation with narration opening. This was a very funny film. Yeah, well, it his father. Actually, come to think of it, the whole bloody had made her cry as well, quite a bit actually. Everyone had cast had been superb. A perfect Hollywood ensemble if ever seemed so depressed, so stuck within their shitty lives. But Hey, Magnolia (aie!) she had seen one. Character actors just crawling out of the the ending, oh the ending. She decided not to think about any walls. That guy, what was his name? Ah, William H. Macey, plot twist spoilers, but did not understand why. She had loved Reviewer A finally arrived at work. His boss caught him he was good too. Ugly but fantastic Phillip Seymore Hoff- the soundtrack though, just as good as Anderson’s choices picking his nose and he was fired. He personally blamed his man gave one of those unselfish subtle showings that aids for Boogie Nights, perfectly tying into events on screen. The momentary lapse on thinking about Paul Thomas Anderson’s everyone else. Even the little kid actor was great. Lashings sequence where everyone in the different strands was singing Magnolia too much. He decided he’d just have to go and hire it of superlatives all round, basically. She smiled. Maybe she along to the same song, that was wonderful. The sense of a again: it’s that kind of thing that could get better and better. wouldn’t kill herself after all. controlling coincidence factor governing all the people’s lives, Reviewer C suddenly and implausibly exploded into a ball Reviewer C had to hurry. His date would be at the restau- connecting to each other in the same way that Vito Corleone of fire. All his opinions were sadly lost. rant in less than ten minutes. He ran as fast as he could with- connects to Michael in Godfather II — oops, she was getting Reviewer B realised she had nothing more to say on out actually flinging himself into the passers by on the busy pretentious again. She smiled. Reviewer C would never under- the matter. It only remained for her to wind down her car city street. He was so stressed, so frazzled out of his body. stand it. Maybe she would have to kill him after all. window, gain the attention of the passing Seren Film Editor, Despite his lateness and state of mind, though, he had been Reviewer E had missed the press screening of Paul Thomas stick out an optimistic arm, and raise all five fingers in diligent. Jenny, the imminent romance, had told him earlier all Anderson’s Magnolia, so he was currently feeling like a bit of salute. The editor understood. He took note, and typed it in about her new favourite film. He hadn’t heard of it before. It a twat. His film editor was going to kill him. on this page, right here. HHHHH Get outta my head! Being John Malkovich, available to rent now from Albin’s Video

ver wanted to see the world through Daft Punk music video with the talking dog/ using only the word ‘Malkovich’ (it’s best someone else’s eyes? Well, you could man and Fat Boy Slim’s ‘Praise You’) runs not too be too drunk whilst viewing this Ea) invent a really cool mind-occupying with the premise, surprising us at every scene) is pure, manic, Pythonesque genius, machine; b) force yourself into a deep state opportunity he gets. A rather bizarre self paroding cameo from of hallucinagenic meditation and hope your The lovingly-shot puppet show that Charlie Sheen is also great. brain does something freaky; or c) rent opens up the movie draws us immediately As the film bundles itself through its Being John Malkovich. It’s probably a whole into the theme of control. It’s extremely crazy narrative, it is Jonze’s witty asides lot more interesting anyway. unnerving, just as later events will be. that grab the most laughs, such as the won- The film opens on failing puppeteer Cusack and Diaz take turns in controlling derfully observed film that Cusack is forced Craig Schwartz (John Cusack). He is a genius Malkovich, while the devilish Maxine ends to watch, showing just why there is a 71⁄2th at his work, constructing vivid and hid- up controlling all of the characters in some floor, and the genius chimpanzee flashback. eously complex puppet shows, but sadly way. The film begins in a light tone, rely- The humour is perfectly pitched, great for there’s not much of a market for his trade. ing on sight gags and plain bizarreness the more fucked up students among us but Tired with his life and his slightly weird wife (such as the smoothly spoken executive still accessible to even the most innocent Lotte (an almost unrecognisable Cameron who believes he has an incomprehensible CU member. No explanations are provided, Diaz), he spies a filing job for nimble-fin- speech impediment), but the ending is far leaving the whole film with a tint of magic, gered men of ‘short stature’ and jumps at more tragic than you would expect. a fairytale feel. At times, however, pro- the chance. The strangeness begins when Cusack is good, though he’s not really ceedings may seem a tad too flippant, per- he is first shown to the 71⁄2th floor and dis- stretching himself. He adds a tragic string haps distancing itself a little too far from covers a portal into the mind of actor John to his Grosse Pointe violin, but little else. reality for its themes to be effective. How- Malkovich. He investigates. His wife inves- It would be nice to see the talented actor ever it never quite becomes lightweight, tigates. His ice-goddess co-worker, Maxine branch out a little. Diaz gives her best per- and always manages to rescue itself with (Catherine Kenner) investigates. Then, grad- formance yet, and the scary/sexy Cather- another inspired gag. ually, things start to go horribly wrong. ine Keener walks away with many of the Despite the merriment, it is the darker It’s an ingenious and original scenario, scenes. However, Malkovich himself steals aspects of this film that shine through. The and the fact that Malkovich has the guts the show, taking over much of the movie’s final shot and end credits sequence will to send himself up so much is a testiment second half. The sequence when he travels haunt me for some time to come. Spike to his good sense and lack of ego. Director inside his own head only to discover that Jonze may well become a very important Maxine: the one with bendy legs Spike Jonze (who previously gave us the everyone is wearing his face and speaking man. HHHHI [email protected] MOVIES SEREN October 2000 11 Shafted again Shaft, which used to be on at the Plaza cinema

ell, I think I can honestly say ing some of the film’s finest moments. in the scene when she tells Shaft of her that I got more enjoyment out The scene when ‘the cat who won’t cop two-year hell in hiding. Wof the ‘waazzzzup?’ Budweiser out’ frames a group of hired assassins, In hindsight, it’s rather hard to link adverts than I did out of this movie. OK, in particular, is a standout. the events of the title sequence to the I know I’m a female of the species, but However, the seemingly straightfor- rest of the film. The seductive nature I’d have paid an awful lot more attention ward and tight plot is unnecessarily of this sequence seems to suggest that if there had been some real action along complicated by the inclusion of sideline love will soon be in the air for ‘the the way. Apart from a couple of meagre drug baron, Peoples (Jeffery Wright). man who would lay down his life for his car chases and a few gunshots, the film Wright plays his part convincingly brother man’. However, the 90s Shaft seemed to revolve simply around differ- enough but his presence seems point- seems to be a pretty celibate beast, ent groups of homeboys trying to iden- less. He is merely there to spin the with no love interest within ten blocks. tify their ‘weakest link’. Where’s Anne plot out to its required length and pro- It would appear that this is unexplored Robinson when you need her? vide one or two unintelligent comic potential for Shaft as a character, as the Samuel L. Jackson plays John Shaft moments at his character’s expense. film seems to subtly suggest that deep (nephew to the Shaft in the original Bale is good as key baddie Walter, forc- down, he just wants a woman. movie), an NYPD cop out to catch ing you to believe that, as the film sug- Shaft is a film attempting to convey a racist murderer. The plot revolves gest, he could well be a Nazi Klu Klux a moral message via immoral means, around Shaft’s attempts to find a key Klan maniac. Sadly, the screenplay lets with a decent twist at the end thrown eye-witness (Toni Colette from Muriel’s his menace down, as he orders Peoples in for good measure. However, since the Wedding and Sixth Sense) and use her to carry out his dirty work and is thus violence rarely rises above the level of, vital info to send suspect Walter Wade left in the background for much of the say, Dumbo, I would actually stoop to say (Christian Bale) down. The film’s major action, wasting his evil potential. Toni that manure-whiffing Double Jeopardy strength is Jackson’s presence. He plays Collette suffers even more, her char- makes for far more compelling justice/ Shaft with real conviction, with the wit acter remaining undeveloped, though revenge viewing. HHIII He can dig it and intelligence of his character creat- her potential teasingly shines through Claire Watkins

6 THE CARNAGE it big time, moving up to ham factor ten. Hot Shots Part Deux parodies the carnage ‘I don’t need the girl! I don’t need no gun! of Robocop and Total Recall by showing a (cue limp-wristed ‘throw gun away’ action) I’m slaughter with a ‘body count’ at the corner gonna kiiill yooouuu nooow!’ Knife fight of the screen. Commando, however plays it follows, then fisticuffs, throughout which GENIUS! dead straight: Arnie literally kills upwards the two men are shown to have equal One Man’s heroic battle to discover the movies that are so of 70 men on his own while standing bold strength, despite Bennett’s sizeable girth. bad, they are somehow... gooood. as brass in the middle of a lawn. Seemingly See the wonderful continuity errors! Ben- every Eastern extra in Hollywood is shoot- nett’s hand on Matrix’s neck – no, his chin! ing at him, yet he survives with barely a – no, neck! – chin! – neck! — it’s all over the Operation #1: Commando (1985) scratch on him. Look, he’d get shot in the place! Bennett is pushed into an electricity head, OK!? Never has such a display of crap fence, screams and seems to be dead... but fter having retired from his crack spring as if she were somebody else’s bag enemy fire been witnessed by the movie no! He comes straight back out of it with group of specially trained US of potatoes! See Arnie and Jenny messing industry. Men are blown through the air, a punch, seemingly none the worse for his A marines, John Matrix (Arnold around with ice cream cones, laughing embarrassingly revealing the barely dis- little shock. Arnie finally dispatches of his Schwarzenegger) has started a new life in at each other’s silliness! See Arnie and guised spring boards that launched them, adversary though the genius of throwing a the hills with his daughter, Jenny. His tran- Jenny stroking a cute little deer in front of and bizarrely, the same moustached big pipe through his nemesis into the gas quil existence is disrupted when the other painted scenery! DO YOU SEE? THEY ARE trooper seems to die upwards of seven cylinder behind him. ‘Let off some steam, surviving members of his squad are mur- ENJOYING A PEACEFUL EXISTENCE WITH- times. GENIUS! Bennett!’ Job done! Daughter safe! Back to dered, inexplicably, one by one. General OUT A CARE IN THE WORLD! DO YOU paradise and tranquility! GENIUS! Kirby, Matrix’s former superior, informs UNDERSTAND? DO YOU? It is also disturb- 7 THE SHOWDOWN him that he is the obvious next target. ing to spot the credits of composer James Matrix vs Bennett! The King of Camp has 8 THE LEGACY The crooks behind it all, led by Matrix’s Horner (Titanic), producer Joel Silver (The the initial upper hand as he sleazily grabs But are we right to laugh at it? There is a former friend, Bennett, kidnap his daugh- Matrix) and actor Dan Hedaya (The Usual hold of Arnie’s daughter; but cryptic genius slim chance that Commando may be (whis- ter, and order Matrix to assassinate a polit- Suspects). GENIUS! Arnie overcomes Bennett’s advantage with per it) tongue in cheek. A knowing mock- ical leader who stands in their way. Matrix some ingenious and subtle reverse psycho- ery of Arnie’s screen persona? Is Bennett must find a way to foil their diabolical 3 ‘WHITE MALE, 6 FOOT 3!’ logical warfare: ‘You don’t wanna shoot me; the only one in on the joke? Discuss. How- plans and save his innocent child. Can one Arnie’s ego gets the better of him for this you wanna stick dat knife in me and watch ever, one thing is for certain, this film is… man make a difference? unfortunate quote. As the mall police flock it twist. Let’s party, Bennett!’ Bennett loses GENIUS! to take him on, they fearfully describe the Austrian Oak as being something of a giant; EIGHT STEPS TO of course, in reality, Arnold is a midget- GENIUS... tastic 5ft 8in! GENIUS!

1 BENNETT (PRAISE BE TO HIM) 4 SULLY: SUCH A NICE MAN You might assume that Bennett, the most Bennett’s sleazy, cocky henchman’s chat formidable of Arnie’s crack squad. thrown up technique consists of asking a girl for out because he ‘enjoyed the killing too sex, and, if she refuses, calling her a ‘fuck- much,’ would be one rock hard mother- ing whore.’ Nice. Matrix has to ‘let him fucker. Wrong. Bennett is a camp, over- go’ as poor old Sully is dropped from a weight, Australian Freddy Mercury looka- big bad cliff. ‘You remember, Sully, when like with a weakness for chainmail string I said I’d kill you last?’ ‘Yeah Matrix! You vests. ‘Matrix and I could kill all of your did! You did!’ ‘I LIED.’ ‘Arrrrrrgggghhhhhh!’ men in the blink of an eye!’ he snarls; in GENIUS! a perfect world, this man, with his kinky squeaky boots and Village People ‘tache, 5 ‘FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!’ would be a Hollywood megastar and gay During Arnie’s big hotel-based fight with icon of massive proportions. His bizarre nasty hood Cook, they throw themselves orgasmic groan as Matrix finally brings into the next room, where a geeky bloke his limp-wristed reign to a ludicrous close is having sex with a busty porn-star type. cements his credentials as… GENIUS! Said couple look shocked, scream a bit, and the fight goes on. Ah, Hollywood clichés. In 2 TITLE SEQUENCE FROM HELL the script’s most masterful moment, Cook See Arnie carry wood! He’s a lumberjack points his gun at Arnie and cries ‘Fuck you, and he’s OK! See Arnie apply his elite mili- asshole!’ But, wait! No bullets left in gun! tary training to spotting his daughter sneak Arnie’s witty retort: ‘Fuck you, asshole!’ up behind him! See Arnie lift up said off- GENIUS! Bennett horrifically tortures Arnie’s lovable daughter 12 SEREN October 2000 BOOKS [email protected]

with Julie Neild Booksspent my summer and despite intending to wait for the paperback, I bought the The Yellow Wallpaper, this novel draws the reader into the flying a broomstick, fourth on the day of its release. Fantastic stories of adven- swimmer’s thoughts, feelings and experiences. You cannot I furthering science, ture, magic and mystery, exactly the kind of book that used help but get caught up in her discovery, her training, her Gold exploring the planet, fight- to keep me enthralled as a child. Everyone who loved Roald medal victory, the end of her career and her subsequent fall ing the French and winning Dahl will love these books. They let you forget about stacking into a sleazy underworld. Broady’s writing is beautiful and a gold medal for swim- shelves and lose yourself in a world of magic spells, invisibil- full of emotion, with humour, hope, consolation and even a ming. Well, sort of. Fed up ity cloaks, ghosts, werewolves and fire-breathing dragons. spirituality if you are open enough to realise it. The author’s with working to pay off my overdraft, bored of being at home The 131⁄2 Lives of Captain Bluebear and Darwin’s Radio (see observations of the human condition are beautifully descrip- and away from my friends here in Bangor, books provided the below) were just as good. Never before had I flown on the tive and enchanting. Only 140 pages long, it is short, easy to perfect escape. A lonely night in became the desperate battle back of a pterodactyl. Whilst sunbathing in the garden I dis- get into and well worth reading. for an entire nation; a relaxing bath was a race to win Gold covered the secrets hidden within human DNA. In Shake- A good novel is not just something I once read for GSCE for my country; before I fell asleep I unravelled the mysteries speare’s Henry V I fought the French on the battlefield of English. It is my passport out of the mundane and a window of human evolution. Books let me escape from the ordinary. Agincourt as volley after volley of arrows were launched, the into the unknown. You can read a book anywhere: on the bus, The Harry Potter novels are just the type of thing I’m talk- air thick with the cries of battle, the ground covered with in the park, in the bath, in bed… and in return, a book can ing about. I admit I was dubious: I’m always wary of any- blood and fallen men. Exciting? I was engrossed. take you anywhere. I spent my summer winning Quidditch thing that’s hyped so much. But I swallowed my pride and Similarly, Swimmer by Bill Broady had me enthralled, and matches and solving the mysteries of the universe. Expand bought the first novel. The next day I bought the next two, I’d recommend it to anyone. In the style of Charlotte Gilman’s your world: read a book. Bear essentials The 131⁄2 Lives of Captain Bluebear by Walter Moers

aptain Bluebear is a bear with blue fur, eral heads, once they reach a height of 150 and The 131⁄2 Lives of Captain Bluebear is his feet or more the heads become superfluous C‘demibiography’ — ‘demi’ because, whilst as they lose all forms of social awareness. cats have nine lives, bluebears have no less From then on the Bollogg takes in nourish- than twenty seven. ment through its pores, which are so big that Having already sold over a quarter of a small animals can easily be ingested and fed million copies in Germany, Bluebear has a into the bloodstream.’ huge European following. Each chapter is This highly original work is definitely devoted to a different adventure in which worth a look, not only for the fantastic and his courage, skill and ingenuity enable him imaginative creatures that inhabit it but also to escape a different danger. His travels take for the visual humour which shines through him to many unique places, including the the hundreds of glorious illustrations and Demerara Desert (a large expanse of wild for the delightfully creative use of layout sugarcane which, after thousands of years of and typography (one passage is printed in exposure to sunlight, has concentrated into Wingdings!). Moers combines the fun and pure sugar); Gourmet Island, a floating para- surreality of Dr. Seuss, the humour of Baron dise where everything is edible; and a not- Munchausen and the style of Douglas Adams, yet-flooded Atlantis. On the way he encoun- and John Brownjohn’s translation is an effort- ters such ingenious creations as the Hob- less read. In all, The 131⁄2 Lives of Captain Blue- goblins – strange spirits devoid of their own bear is an enchanting and charming read, full feelings who revel in those of others; the of excellent descriptions and lavish illustra- Babbling Billows – talking waves who nor- tions which are a pleasure to behold. It will mally taunt shipwrecked sailors for weeks appeal to kids of all ages, though it is very on end with tasteless jokes but who take wordy, and does at first appear to be quite it upon themselves to teach Bluebear every an intimidating tome (think Harry Potter and possible way and manner in which to speak the Goblet of Fire). – and a Bollogg, described in the Encyclopae- Completely worthy of cult status, for the ‘The Minipirates had little iron hooks instead of hands and wooden stumps dia of Marvels, Life Forms and Other Phenomena execution if not for the story, The 131⁄2 Lives of Zamonia and its Environs thus: of Captain Bluebear is perhaps not a book that instead of proper legs, nor did I ever see one without an eyepatch. At first I thought ‘The Bollogg, like all one-eyed, outsized you’ll be able to read in one sitting, but is some- they’d been wounded during their reckless attempts to board a prize, but I later life forms, belongs to the Giant Cyclops thing you’ll find yourself returning to again learned that they were born that way, complete with hats and moustaches.’ family. Although Bolloggs are born with sev- and again. A treasure to own. HHHHH Doctor’s orders Sin Boldly! by David R. Williams

roblems with your quota- Across seventeen chapters, this Writing in his own unique, your essays and are looking for tion marks? Unsure when book covers everything from the witty and irreverent style, Dr. a helpful guide, then this may be Pto use a hyphen? Confused format and length of your essay Dave is very readable and could useful. It doesn’t explain all the as to how to use footnotes? Never through developing an argument, be quite useful. He provides help- nuances of the English language even heard of the subjunctive, let to proper use of grammar and ful advice in ways that are easy in the same depth as something alone know how to use it? punctuation. Despite the fact to understand and apply to your like Fowler’s Modern English Usage The bemusingly-titled Sin that Dr. Dave is American, the own work. The language he uses but will provide a simple start- Boldly! — Dr. Dave’s Guide to Writ- information in his book is impor- is very simple to read, and unlike ing point. After all, how can you ing the College Paper doesn’t tell tant to all students who write most dire ‘how-to’ books, he look something up if you don’t you how to begin writing a in English. Not concentrating on doesn’t try to hide behind big know it exists? publication to rival Seren, but one subject (like English Litera- words and make the reader feel The best thing about this actually explains all the types ture), Dr. Dave’s book is a good inferior and stupid. book is the title — if nothing of thing that lecturers are look- reference book for any student All in all, this isn’t a bad book, else, it gives great advice for life. ing for when they mark essays. who must write essays. and if you are having trouble with Sin boldly! HHHHI [email protected] BOOKS SEREN October 2000 13 WHO WANTS TO Changing WIN A BOOK? he Literary Detective is an anthology of John Sutherland’s three best-selling collec- tions of literary puzzles, Is Heathcliff a Murderer?, Can Jane Eyre be Happy? and Who genes TBetrays Elizabeth Bennett? Investi- gating brain-teasers such as ‘Why does Robinson Crusoe find only one foot- Darwin’s Radio by Greg Bear print?’, ‘Why does the invisible man not make himself an invisible suit?’, hen I first came to this book I was very convincingly on genetics and so forth, and ‘Where does Fanny Hill keep her extremely dubious as to whether he does not have a science doctorate and contraceptives?’, Professor Sutherland Wit would be of any interest at all, is entirely self-taught in this discipline. A raises the questions intelligent read- or whether it was merely another science slightly sentimental ending provides a cer- ers often ask and learned critics rarely fact-ion novel about the end of the human tain relief from the mounting tension and answer. His forensic skills take in the race. However, I was more than pleasantly anxiety. pantheon of classic novelists from surprised when I began reading. Although By the end of the first page I was Defoe and Fielding to Tolstoy, Wells Darwin’s Radio looks like a Richard Dawkins intrigued, and by the end of the first chap- and Woolf, relishing in particular the book, Greg Bear has actually written a highly ter I was hooked. Each chapter is written great masters of British 19th Century readable, exciting and enjoyable novel. from one of the three scientists’ perspec- realism - Austen, Collins, Dickens and Three apparently unrelated incidents tives; Bear moves between them, and so the Brontës. – a disease that affects only pregnant keeps the reader interested and involved, as By addressing real-world ques- women; the discovery of a mass grave of well showing how the characters’ lives are tions, Sutherland brings literary criti- mutated bodies; and a mummified prehis- thrown together and become inextricably cism down from the rarefied heights toric family found in the Alps – converge to entwined. Darwin’s Radio was one of the of academe and into the everyday dis- reveal a frightening truth that will shake most compelling reads of the summer, and course of ordinary readers who have science to its core and change the human though all the scientific spiel may occasion- much expertise of their own which can race forever. Previously thought of as dor- ally leave one feeling tired, it is a throughly be brought to bear on the interpreta- mant, ‘junk’ genes that have been part of enjoyable book. HHHHI tion of classic fiction. In his new intro- our DNA for millions of years are suddenly duction, the author quotes from some waking. Pregnancies are mysteriously mis- of the many letters he has received, which amply demonstrate that we can all be astute carrying; then the women are spontane- and entertaining critics. The ‘Sherlock Holmes of Literature,’ as he has been called, John ously becoming pregnant again without Sutherland reminds us of the sheer pleasure and excitement that great books inspire and any sexual activity, but their babies are of their endless ability to surprise and delight. not ‘normal.’ The government begins emer- gency measures, and world wide panic is And you can win your very own copy simply by answering this not far from taking over. Only three scien- tists believe that what is happening is not impossible question: a plague — but can they put faith in their science and go against overwhelming fear, What is John Sutherland’s nickname? supersition and hysteria? Despite the occasional spouting of sci- a. The Sherlock Holmes of Literature entific (and at the beginning, climbing) ter- b. The Hercule Poirot of History minology, the narrative is easily followable. Even I, an English student whose under- c. The Inspector Gadget of Home Economics standing of science stopped with GCSE Biol- ogy was able to grasp what was going on Send your answer to [email protected], sit back and (I flatter myself somewhat) actually understand to an extent the theoretical and rub your hands in anticipation of a cracking good read. concepts that Bear is dealing with. This may be due to the fact that although Bear writes Yawnmower The Lawnmower Celebrity by Ben Hatch

bizarre book. Plain and uninspiring front cover the time) and his younger brother Charlie developing and more than ambiguous title, but actually quite serious problems. The young boy seems to think A vaguely readable. A book I would have ignored of himself as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Oh dear. if I had seen it in a bookshop, but because I had to On top of all this there is the usual male angst over read it, I was relatively surprised. girls, as Jay fancies his best mate and is unsure whether The novel takes the form of a diary of a young to make a move or not. man, aspiring to be a famous author, by the name of However, it’s not all as heavy and depressing as that. Jay Golden. Detailing his life from February through This book does actually have moments of humour and to April, the novel gives an insight to the feelings wit, and Ben Hatch’s style is quite enjoyable. Although and everyday frustrations and so forth of this youth it does cover some serious problems in the life of and explores how he tries to cope. the character, Hatch doesn’t let the narrative get too ‘The reason I’ve kept this diary,’ he explains at bogged down, and he tries to keep the story moving. the outset, ‘is so Omnibus researchers can piece The diary entries are a good idea they try to show how together my early life when I’m famous. It’ll help Jay is feeling in different situations, though, when you them get their facts straight and stop them relying have five or more entries per day you start to tire of the on potentially corrupting sources, such as Big Al’s whole thing. Golden Delicious Kebabs and Dad, who thinks I’m a When I first started reading this book, I thought it prat. My ultimate ambition is to write a great novel was kind of fun and unusual, with moments of humour which will make me a major authentic voice for a that made me giggle out loud (such as the episode generation.’ where Jay and Gemma place a prank call to Paul Dan- Having to work for a living and still living at iels, accusing him of abusing rabbits by pulling them home, Jay has to cope with the pressures of family out of hats). However, after reading a quarter of the life. As well as the ordinary everyday tensions there book it was starting to get a bit tiresome and I no are more serious emotional traumas — his mother longer found anything giggle-worthy. It could have been having recently died of cancer, his father struggling a good book, but unfortunately it fell short. Maybe I to cope (and seems to be stressed about work all should have ignored it. HHIII 14 SEREN October 2000 GAMES [email protected]

with Dan Hartley Gamesirst things first. Wel- thousands (if not millions) of other people. This has proved themselves. Struggling artists such as Eminem and Metal- Fcome to the Games sec- highly unpopular with music business, because people are lica have been in every magazine Stateside bleating about tion, where Seren delves downloading ‘product’ for free. This has resulted in a high their ‘intellectual property’ being stolen so they lose money. into the murky high tech profile court case in the US with the industry attempting to Lars Ulrich from Metallica is now the ugly face of corporate world of the internet, but close Napster down so they can carry on with ripping off evil, and he and the rest of those money-greedy corporate mostly just plays Play- the record buying public. whores should, in a perfect world, be banned from releasing Station games. The more Now, I quite like Napster for the simple reason that it music forever. astute reader may have noticed that all of the games reviewed combines two of my favourite things: music and getting Anyway, these morons have no need to be worried. this month are for Sony’s platform. There are two reasons shit for free. The music industry is terrified by it for the People still like to own albums as artifacts (myself included), for this: firstly, we only get sent PlayStation stuff (I plan to same reason. If I can download the new Radiohead album so Napster is used more as means of listening to a record remedy this). Secondly, I only have access to a PlayStation for free, why should I bother paying an extortionate amount before actually walking down to the shops and buying it. and a PC. So if anyone out there wants to review N64, Dream- of money for it in HMV? The entire music business is built Eminem’s Marshal Mathers LP has made him millions of dol- cast or even PS2 stuff, e-mail [email protected]. up around fleecing the fans, and now at last, the fans can lars despite being on Napster for months. The reason the We need more reviewers for PSX and PC games too. Right, fight back. industry has panicked however, is that they have seen that advert over, now for a biased and seemingly random rant. The most unsavoury thing about this whole Napster the Internet has the power to totally change the way people Napster is, as I’m sure many of you are now aware, a business of course is that it’s not just the faceless suits with can listen to music. Napster will be shut down, but this piece of software which allows you to search the MP3 files of major coke habits who are fighting this battle, it’s the bands battle is by no means over. Ribbon racing COMPETITION Vib Ribbon out now for the Playstation Win a copy of

h man. I’m getting flashbacks already. Vib Chase the Express! Ribbon is one strange, strange game. And I Omean strange as in taking a load of mush- e have one exclusive promo copy of the rooms and watching all the pretty colours come out truly abysmal Chase The Express to give of lamp-posts is strange. Inevitably, it’s Japanese. away to one unlucky reader (basically Basically, you play a rabbit who has to run along W we don’t want it cluttering up our flat). In order a ribbon avoiding various obstacles. The game uses to win this example of how not to rip off Metal only four buttons, one for each kind of obstacle (pits, Gear Solid, merely tell us what you have done to blocks, loops, waves or a combo there of) and has two-dimensional, wire frame graphics. deserve such a horrible, horrible punishment. If this were not odd enough, the obstacles come The more evil or amusing your crime the better, at you in time to music. There is already music with and the winner will be the one whose bad the game, but Vib Ribbon allows you to use your own behavior is most hilarious and/or disturbing. Be CDs to play along to. It is this stroke of genius which warned that, legalities permitting, we will print elevates Vib Ribbon out of the addictive-but-annoy- it next month (anonymously of course). ing puzzle game graveyard. Seren recommends play- To enter, email [email protected] ing it to ‘Come To Daddy’ by Aphex Twin. with the subject ‘I’ve been a bad boy/girl’ or I can see myself getting very bored of Vib Ribbon drop off a piece of paper at the Seren office. very quickly, but for now, it’s fun. HHHII Vib Ribbon: no, really Chase the dragon Chase the Express out now for the Playstation

ithout resorting to using bad language, I can’t really describe how much I hate Wthis game. It’s bad. Very bad. Still, the editor probably wants me to actu- ally describe the game or something, so here goes. Some Russian terrorists have taken over a train, which has the French ambassador and his family on it. They also, for reasons never really explained, have a nuclear bomb with them. You play some sort of special agent dude who has to take out the bad guys in the old skool style, which is to say blow the shit out of them. So where does Chase The Express go wrong? Well, the plot is cliched, the graphics are sub- standard, the voice acting is wholly laughable, and, most unforgivably, the control system is dire. Add to this the fact that there’s a cut scene every time a terrorist is shot or every time you walk through a door, and you have an hor- rible, unplayable pig of a game. There’s really no excuse for releasing (or playing) Chase the Express; if you like this sort of game, then check out the full blown zombie mayhem of Resident Evil, the sweaty, disturbing claustrophobia of Silent Hill or the cinematic flair of Syphon Filter instead. Avoid Chase the Express like you would Mere pictures cannot convey the sheer awfulness of Chase the Express any train full of terrorists. HIIII [email protected] GAMES SEREN October 2000 15 Buddy movin’ F1 flop Team Buddies out now for the Playstation Formula 1 2000 out ypical, innit? One day, the Buddies now for the Playstation are happily dancing away to nose- Tbleed hardcore music in a marquee; hrills! Spills! All your racing heroes! Experience the next, someone drops crates full of them all in this unique and exciting game... if only. bazookas and automatic weaponry in their T I don’t have a problem with the graphics. They midst, turning them instantly into Satan’s may be a bit basic for the era that beckons in the PS2, but own Weebles as they begin blowing each as bog-standard racing game graphics go, they’re fine. other to pieces. What I do have a problem with, though, is the annoying Despite the game’s cartoony graphics, twiddly rock soundtrack that begins to really grate after this is full-on evil. The violence is bad the first minute or so. And don’t even get me started on enough, but add to that the fact that the Murray Walker’s commentary on the races. Buddies often refer to each other as ‘twat’ Also, don’t expect to be able to win the races or even and ‘fuck face’ and it doesn’t really add up contend with the other cars, because the controls are to wholesome family entertainment. rubbish. You either can’t steer the damn car or you turn The game is split into missions. These it full circle by accident. If you get really annoyed with missions, without fail, involve killing every the race, you can always try and ram the other cars off member of the other team, while, for exam- the track, but unfortunately there are no explosions or ple, picking up litter. In order to achieve carnage. Just skid marks. this, you need to stack the weapon crates There is a limit to how much you can actually do, scattered around each level to build up since you need to actually score points to open up the your armoury and, more importantly, you Some mayhem, yesterday bonus screens; and arcade, two player and Grand Prix need other buddies to help you out, with soon loose their limited charm. a maximum of four per team. Seren’s advice is to build your mode. The amount of weapons available is rather limited, but I suppose if you have the patience, you could make team up as quickly as possible then equip them with tanks. I’ve only seen the game’s early stages, so things may improve this game last FOREVER because it’s so very hard — but Heh heh heh. later on. It’s also hideously addictive, and has swearing, damn if you want a better game them it won’t be exactly hard Team Buddies is a good laugh, especially in two player it. Buy it now! HHHII to find one. HHIII Lola Kidney Who does? Eidos! Darien Graham-Smith explains all things Eidos

idos have been bombarding us with bits about the game itself: ‘like its predecessor,’ of paper over the summer. At first they they revealed, ‘Soul Reaver 2 features real-time Ewanted to let us know about Daikatana, environment morphing and continuous data which came out for the PC way back in June, streaming.’ but they didn’t really have anything very inter- Long weeks then passed before we heard esting to say about it. from Eidos again; but at last they came Then they tried to interest us in Sydney through with full details of Power Stone 2, 2000, ‘the official video game of the Olympic released last week on Dreamcast. ‘Power Stone Summer Games,’ which should be available 2 is the sequel to the critically-acclaimed for PC, Playstation and Dreamcast by the time Power Stone,’ they explain. ‘Power Stone 2 is set you read this. It simulates at least eleven in the 19th century where superstitions and events (the press release is a bit cagey as to legends are alive and well. A mysterious float- whether there might be more) and allows up ing castle emerges from the earth and casts a to eight players to compete simultaneously shadow over the entire world. The master of (people who bought Dreamcasts are limited this castle is the evil Dr. Erode, who has cap- to four players by way of punishment). It’s tured all of the Power Stone fighters for rea- described by Eidos not as a game at all but sons unknown. What is Dr. Erode’s diabolical as a ‘graphical showcase,’ and they assure plan?’ It’ll cost you just £39.99 (plus the cost us that ‘no detail has been spared,’ and that of a Dreamcast) to find out. ‘the game features high-resolution graphics Seemingly energised by this mystery, Eidos incorporating the latest motion capture tech- then moved quickly to warn us that ‘there’s nology, provided by Olympic athletes.’ Amus- terror in store,’ which is to say that Resident ingly, the development team is called ‘Atten- Evil 3: Nemesis is released this month for the tion to Detail.’ PC. Gamers will be stunned to learn that ‘Resi- Their next letter was all about the Who dent Evil 3: Nemesis will allow gamers to take Wants To Be A Millionaire? computer game, advantage of “live selection,” a feature that released for the PC, Playstation and Dream- enables them to make decisions that affect cast on September 29th. ‘Now people will be the story’s outcome.’ Aside from this it seems able to play the game at home just as if they the major differences between the game and were in the studio,’ Chris Tarrant supposedly its predecessor are Nemesis’ new ‘Random enthuses, ‘and like the TV programme this Item Placement’ feature, which ‘means that game is just as addictive.’ If you still harbour items appear in different places each time any doubts as to the calibre of the product, the game is played, allowing many more out- Eidos is keen to let you know that ‘all rounds comes and hours of gameplay’; and its prom- are accompanied by music from the show Welcome this man into your home with Eidos ise of ‘more challenging enemies that come and the legendary voice of the one and only back to life at any time.’ Chris Tarrant ... you can even experience the items and battling a host of fearsome mon- appeared, this time proudly boasting that And there they left it, save for a brief epis- authenticity of ‘Phone a Friend’ with pre- sters’); Commandos BCOD (‘push your daring Eidos has acquired the rights to ‘publish Play- tle just a few weeks ago to spill the beans recorded answers including male, female and and tactical ability to the limit’); Legacy of station and PC versions of a game based on on Tomb Raider Chronicles, out on PC, Playsta- regional accents.’ Kain: Soul Reaver (‘Raziel must negotiate puz- Chicken Run.’ Reading between the lines it tion and Dreamcast in November. It seems Then came the stirring news that five old zles, overcome traps and defy blood-chilling does rather appear that no such game pres- the game will comprise four episodes from Eidos games have been reduced from what- enemies’); and Braveheart (‘a game of epic pro- ently exists, but the news was still welcome. Lara’s past, none much different from any ever they used to cost to just £12.99. They portions, combining real-time strategy with Of little more moment was the discovery that other Tomb Raider game, and the PC version are Championship Manager 3 (‘takes manage- 3-D action’). A bargain at just £64.95 for the Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2 was no longer includes a level editor. Anything else? ‘The ment realism to a new level’); Revenant (‘Locke five. being developed for the Playstation but had linear nature of the each adventure enables embarks on quest that will take him through a Barely had we managed to assimilate ‘shifted’ to the Playstation 2. Still, here at goals to be easily identified,’ burbles the press myriad of sinister locations, collecting magic all this information than another missive least Eidos was able to tell us something release. Thought not. 16 SEREN October 2000 TRAVEL [email protected]

with Lion Donkey Travelor a long time, I’ve spies, my trusted minions. Once and for all I can settle this Thus, a quick jump to Paris would require approximately 720 had some very seri- matter. So, based on this ingenious premise, here are your pints. You could manage that couldn’t you? I am at present Fous doubts about instructions. conducting experiments to ascertain if this works with mari- holidays. A general mis- Firstly, pick a country, any country. As far away as you juana as well. My work so far has been inconclusive: I shall trust of the word and like. I’ll quite happily pay your fare. I give you free rein; just doggedly persevere. scepticism of the concept. bring me what I need. Now, you could take one of those However, I digress. Yes, teleportation is an option in your This may sound strange floating things, bit like a barge, I believe they are called fer- mission, but it’s really up to you. Go somewhere famous, to you closed-minded Ibiza loiterers out there, but I have ries. Use this ‘ferry’ to cross an ocean (like big, big, wide, somewhere exotic; have a look at that Eiffel Tower. I’m pretty gradually come to the conclusion that holidays are absolutely wide puddles, I’m told) and dismount at the destination it damn sure it’s just a three foot model. After all, how do you impossible as the rest of the world simply does not exist. think they got their millennium fireworks to look so good? Bangor is there, granted. As is a stretch of railway that It’s far cheaper on a smaller scale. Once you reach your ‘des- takes me from here to Leicester and back again whenever You shall be my spies, tination,’ take as many photos as you can: all evidence is my ‘parents’ need a bit of financial buttering up. Chester is vital, I want bone fide proof that Calais does exist. As soon as there; London is there; but everything else? I’m not so sure. my trusted minions. I have these photos my ultra-perception ray will give me the All those places in the atlas, who’s to say that they aren’t just answers to my questions, asssisted of course by my secret pretty brown blobs of ink, and nothing else? For instance, I ‘scissors-paper-stone’ method of deduction. theorise that anyone claiming to be an inhabitant of Worces- provides you with. When you have your photos, get me some biological ter is merely working for the PR division of Lea and Perrin, Take a plane if you like. I’ve no problem with that. Whilst specimens: natives; ‘citizens’ of your holiday destination. creating a fictional image for that strange tasting sauce. I you’re at it, you could test another theory of mine. I believe Putting a big black sack over their heads seems to be the know people from Worcester; this argument seems fair. You that what you foolish people see out of plane windows when most effective means of capture. Bundle them into some- may merely label me a badly-travelled person, but I believe it you’re ‘flying’ is merely a back projection onto the wall of the thing discreet and bring them to me. In the past, any locals to be more than this; much, much more. airline hangar. Just like in old cowboy movies when they’re my spies have returned have crumbled to dust upon cross- I’ve been trying so hard to avoid that darn white balloon not really riding a horse through a desert, just past a painted ing the border: I am hoping these were freak occurrences. that follows me everywhere that I’ve not been thinking clearly image of Snake Valley, or whatever. Try breaking some win- Once I have them I can carry out all manner of weird shit, enough about existence. Anglesey? Right on our doorstep, dow-glass next time: nothing will happen. They make all this lobotomies, enemas, just general surgery stuff. From this I had me convinced for years. But it’s not really there. It’s merely fuss about you all being sucked out and killed, but in fact, all can discover which secret government agency is employing a giant communal mirage brought on by Bangor’s watered- you’ll get for your troubles is a bewildering stoup of arrant them, and the exact extent of their mind-warping megalo- down beer. Accept it, it’s the truth. Do you see? Do you? All beer fumes given off by the air crew teeheeing at you from mania. Do you understand? You will be paid handsomely for you students who claim to have been to other places, what the hangar floor. Give it a try. your work, and I may call on you again in the near future. proof is there that you are not merely government plants, sent Alternatively, you could use my special method of get- I know you probably just want to go on holiday for a bit of here to confuse my questioning mind? I’ve seen The Matrix, ting around: teleportation. It happens all the time in Bangor. fun or romance, but frankly, that’s just not on. Think of the none of this could be real (actually, I quite hope that’s the Haven’t you noticed? Think about it; you get out of Time, peace of mind you can instil in the citizens of Bangor in let- case: I’d love a go at that trippy kung fu stuff). completely wrecked, and climb all the way up Glanrafon Hill, ting them know that the furthest edge of the pier does not However, I have been asked to write a travel feature, so but somehow it seems to take two or three minutes less tumble into the Great Waterfall of Planets and that Bangor for now I’m gonna have to give you the benefit of the doubt than it usually would. It’s teleportation. On a small scale, I’ll is not flat. Get it sorted. I also have a theory that Richard and concede that, say, Trinidad does whatever a Trinidad give you that, but it is still the genuine article. Getting all and Judy are not actually married. Be calm. I require a full does. But, thinking about it, this could be helpful to me: you, the way to ‘France’ would be trickier, but I’ve had a stab investigation. If proven correct, this information could rock the Seren reader, could obtain the priceless information I at working it out. It usually takes me five minutes to get society to its core. The existence thing might cause a bit of desire, proof, proof of outside existence. You shall be my up the hill, with eight pints reducing this to three minutes. a stir, I guess. Go to it! Lion Donkey out. Sit down next to me Cheapo travel doyens Buzz have been surveying again...

icture the scene. You’ve finally over- lini sit next to him on the Austria-Venice come your Concorde-death-toll-related Express, bad stuff happened. When John Pfear of flying and have just climbed decided to sit next to Paul on the Sgt. Pepper aboard a 747. You’re a tad short-tempered, merry-go-round, good stuff happened. But and you fear your luggage may have been fear not, brave and confused Seren reader. maliciously mislaid by the airport staff. You’d Those kind, piss-happy people from Buzz been hoping to see that camp guy off the (‘the low cost airline!’ it says ‘ere, Mary!) have docu-soap, but they all turned out to be been twiddling their thumbs and jumping on faceless corpses hungry for brrraaaaiinnns... people outside Virgin Megastores across the sorry, tickets. Basically, you’re at the end of country to construct an in-depth survey. You your tether. may show your appreciation at this point. You sit down and gaze out of the window: And they have discovered exactly who you’d it’s very small, which annoys you too. Sud- pick if an 18-30 backpacking holiday group denly you hear a commotion from the rear of of superstars came your way. Just in case. the plane. You turn to see that two pop star It turns out that you people favour dick- entourages have entered the working class showing ex-Take Thatters over slack-brained section of the plane. How strange. Moreo- Wonderwalls, as Robbie won by a beer-belly ver, you suddenly realise that these famous sized 83%. I would usually take this oppor- people are, in fact, Robbie Williams and Liam tunity to jump on the ‘Oasis are doooomed’ Gallagher! They seem to be on the verge of bandwagon, only I’m not sure if this informa- fisticuffs (as always) as they both struggle tion HAS ANY VALID MEANING OR PURPOSE. to find a seat in the nearly full plane, push- What’s that, editor? Oh, OK... suspend disbe- ‘Captain... Geri’s hogging the window!’ ing and shoving their way towards you. You lief, suspend disbelief... right, well, sensible Most Perfect Couple was tighter, with public- Buzz had many more similarly-angled sta- look to the seat to your left, where you have now: Robbie would probably insist on ‘mean- spirited Tony winning out by 16% over forced- tistics to share, but frankly they were a bit earlier placed your bag in the hope of ward- ingfully’ pulling on a jumper from time to grinner Cherie. 74% favoured Charles over shit, so we fed them to the Seren news- ing off any Harry Hill weirdoes (‘On a plane? time and warbling random lyrics about not Camilla, though I suspect the result might hound. Nevertheless, the lessons are clear. Gone insane!’). You have the power to seat wanting to get sea-sick or listen to an anti- have been different were voters offered the Number one, if you ever see anyone bran- either one of these megastars. But wait! Rob- pop DJ. What were you thinking of? Then third option of leaping from the plane at dishing a clipboard, run. Number two, airline bie’s a cocky self-fancying arse! Why would again, Liam is a twat. thirty thousand feet. I guess if the so-called PR departments should be kept well away you want to sit next to him? But wait! Liam’s a If the choice were instead between the Chancellor of our University made the effort from cocaine. And number three, don’t waste wife-slapping, unwashed, cocked-up, badger- two halves of the UK’s Densest Celebrity to come down to Time once in a while to your valuable student years reading articles raping zombie! Which of these two evils Couple™, Posh’s sharp wit won out over share a few drinks, then I might be prepared that have no interest in or respect for their would you opt to share your personal flight- hubby Becks’ shining charisma by 66% to to use my mum’s Royal Wedding crockery; subject matter. You hear me?! Don’t do it! space with? 34%. I can see that result causing quite but I’d still secretly harbour a burning mid- Turn the page now! Now, goddammit! NOW! This exact situation has shaped mankind a schism in their tightly-knit village idiot dle-class hatred against him and all he rep- Sorry Buzz. Please don’t sue. throughout history. When Hitler let Musso- comedy double act. The battle of the UK’s resents. ‘Mad’ Johnny Morris [email protected] TRAVEL SEREN October 2000 17 The Secret Places of Our World No. 4: Borneo of Funky Highlands There’s more to Scotland than Bagpuss

n a drastic attempt to get down with the series of ‘forward thinking and focused niche- Staines posse and strut their country’s funky marketing programmes.’ Whoah. Istuff, the Highlands of Scotland Tourist Quote time: ‘We already compete success- Board have invested in a hip and trendy new fully with international competitors for this website, aimed at attracting the youth of our market.’ Yeah, right. David Noble, Chief Execu- fair nation. tive of HOST said that. ‘Over 660,000 visitors The website is cunningly and mischievously between 16 and 35 are excited each year by titled www.wannabethere.com and is aiming the idea of discovering more about what is, Borneo is a small, robust nation just east of Java. It is home to seven million Canadian its bad self squarely at the 16-35 age range. That perhaps, Europe’s greatest landscape.’ Ah, Mr Turks, who spend their days dancing among the warm sands of their native land, dangling means us. Its aim is to give the flowing High- Noble, methinks thou protestest too much. scorpions and practising the art of mime. The country’s vast mountain range dwarfs even lands a more ‘contemporary feel,’ give them Anyway, the site offers experiences that us the Sahara Desert, and its volcanic stuff is second to none. Airline tickets to Borneo are some street cred and increase the peace. All youngens might quite like — extreme climb- available from the Union Shop. credit to them. The package (developed from ing! Mountain scrambling (is that like cookery, DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• the European Regional Development Fund) is man?)! Surfing and... rafting! How can you pos- DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• the first, the premier, the leader, the king of a sibly resist? No, wait! Read Seren first! DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• 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Hi, everyone. Just travelling through. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wanna settle down; DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•until tomorrow, I’ll just keep moving on. My advice for this month is simple: do not let DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•others control the mind that you hide even from yourself. Woof.’ DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• Three Scottish women try to fly DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX•DOGBOX• STA me kitten Other cheapo travel doyens STA Travel haven’t been forgotten

TA Travel wants you! — to know jargon this means people keep using it that it’s a worldwide organisation once they’ve found what they were orig- Sspecialising in student and young inally after. STA Travel reckons visitors independent travel. In fact, they’ll go will become adhered to its site on the further. STA Travel is the only worldwide strength of such dubious attractions as organisation specialising in student and ‘celebrity travel tales from Jamie Oliver young independent travel. Straight up. to Paul Oakenfold’ and ‘the latest travel It says here. tips from online travel correspondent Every visitor to www.statravel.co.uk Anna, reporting back on her adventures is promised ‘flexible, discounted stu- around the world.’ I guess it’s a case of dent and under-26 worldwide flights, sticky is as sticky does; but should you three levels of insurance designed for find yourself missing lectures/meals/ the independent traveller, plus discount illicit trysts through inability to drag cards for students and those under 26.’ yourself away from selected extracts STA also offers such foibles as a help from the Lonely Planet guide to Dubai, desk for lost passports and other mis- don’t say you weren’t warned. haps that accepts reverse-charge calls. As a parting shot, STA Travel takes So if you’re a student or under 26 and a moment to rationalise its business you fancy a plane ticket, you know model with the encouraging statistic where to go. that ‘60% of students surveyed would But before you do, be warned: consider buying travel online.’ Will this Where an image is not available, Seren’s according to this press release, ‘STA translate into tangible sales? Bangor, Travel is sticky!’ In odious ‘new media’ it’s up to you. editorial policy is to publish a picture of a Zoid 18 SEREN October 2000 EDITORIAL & LETTERS [email protected]

was woken by a woman’s voice. ‘It’s eleven o’clock,’ she time in our lives, we could be the people who, deep down, said. The tone was friendly, but there was a steely edge we’d always hoped we were. A home where we always knew I to her voice that strongly implied that a less friendly we were good enough. A home where we always knew we tone was available should I plan on sleeping further. I opened had each other. my eyes and looked around me to discover myself in a small We thought nothing could break up the old gang. room filled with bulging suitcases, packed banana boxes and We were wrong. piles of books and records. Standing over me was my mother; yes, that made sense. Now I recognised where I was: I was t will happen to you too. One morning you’ll wake up and back in London. your whole world will be gone. And there’s nothing you How could that be? Why was I here? Suddenly I realised Ican do about it. Just enjoy your student days while you that the luggage surrounding me was my own, and by the can. Gaudeatis, igitur. Make the most of your new life. Sure, look of it I’d packed to be away from University for a long Bangor is small, remote and (it can often seem) stagnant time. I cursed my inability to think straight. Why was I here? with cliques and clichés. But nobody leaves without a pang What the hell had I been drinking all that sparkling wine for of regret. Here unbreakable bonds are made, hearts are won last night anyway? over and finished forever. and lost, whole lives are mapped out; because here, prob- And then I remembered. Yesterday I had graduated. And then I thought of the friends who had made those ably for the first time, you are free. So jump in feet first. The I wasn’t in ‘my’ room because that room was no longer times, waking up in beds across the country, each one facing later you leave it the less time you’ll have. mine. It was empty. And next year someone else would be the blank future alone. We had come from so many differ- In T2 Burrell’s Field that same window-seat still looks living there. Someone else would fill it with their things, ent places, looking for so many different things, yet over out over the same bridge into those same gardens. decorate it in their style and stamp their own identity on it. our three years together we had built our lives around each But I can never sit and gaze into the gardens again. All the laughter and tears I had known in that room were other. We had found together a home where, for the first Carpe diem.

Yoga involves lying Let’s hear it for on the ground, which is obviously the boy not pleasant on a filthy floor covered Sir — Another term, another incompetent ttoo with miscellaneous Union team to cope with... but what’s this? lleetttteerrss bits. Is it possible I saw the SU President giving Once these diffi- out NUS cards? Can it be that one of the culties are resolved, almighty Sabbatical members is actually will- the class will be ing to muck in with the volunteers? Well absolutely wonder- done to this year’s president for starting on hee eeddiittoorr ful, and I look for- a great foot — I’m most impressed. And I tth ward to further ses- noted it was his idea to put porn-star-names sions in the SU. in the ‘other’ box of the cards. Nice one! Ieuan Hopper Myfanwi Raybone Down down, you if you cut down of the fags – anyway yeah, if you think you’re getting one of those, Huw Harries replies: bring me down then steer clear of stuff like sweet and sour Dear Ieuan — Further to your letter regarding chicken. I’m telling you. I had sweet ‘n’ sour the Yoga sessions in Jock’s Bar on 4th Octo- Watch me now Sir — I feel bad. Real bad, you know, like the other night then I had this coughing fit, ber, I was sorry to hear your session was less An open letter to Malcolm Swan a bad that can only be represented by a hacked up some phlegm that was fucking enjoyable due to the unexpected disturbances (Estates Manager) and Seren: black force field taking over your life, bad red, dude! I thought it was blood! Scared the from behind the bar. However, the Entertain- Sir — I am a resident of Glanrafon Hill and like the feeling you get when you stub your shit outta me, I can tell you. Still, it did me ments Department who had booked the room was alarmed to read in Saturday’s Daily Post toe in the morning, black like a pitch black, some good — I’ve cut right down to two had informed me that sessions started at 2pm that last week women were assaulted in two moulding dog in space without stars. At packs a day. on Mondays and Wednesdays. The pipe clean- separate incidents on the hill. One assault night. God man, so bad, so fucking bad. I’ve N. O’Teene ing was scheduled to avoid your Yoga session, took place at 8.15am. started using your magazine for toilet paper but unfortunately, due to the mix-up in times, Neither woman was seriously injured, and sometimes I bind them all together to Seren replies: Perhaps, just perhaps, some day the bar staff had no choice but to continue but either could have been: I was assaulted make a hammock. Hope you still love me, someone will send us a decent letter. the process without risking damage to the and injured on the hill a few months ago. A just as I love you. I’m going to kill you all. equipment. Now that your timetable has been number of women I know have been threat- All the best. clarified the pipe cleaning shall be carried out ened on the hill which, despite improvements The Dean at a different time so that no further interrup- in lighting, is still dark, overgrown, and often Please, please, tions will occur. deserted. Seren replies: Perhaps, just perhaps, some day I am sorry I cannot explain why the floor Two years ago I sat with you in a meet- someone will send us a decent letter. tell me now was dirty, as the cleaners finish at 12pm and ing of the Bangor Liaison Group and heard Sir — You suck! Hurhurhurhurhur! the floors are cleaned every day. Electrical you say that the University would install a Anonymous contractors have been carrying out work in camera on Glanrafon Hill. The hill has since Jock’s Bar. Maybe on that particular day the undergone massive improvements costing I have to praise Seren replies: Perhaps, just perhaps, some day cleaners found that they could not clean the hundreds of thousands of pounds, but there someone will send us a decent letter. floor thoroughly. is still no camera. you like I should I hope this letter goes some way towards Our local councillor tells me that the Uni- Sir — I am writing to congratulate you on satisfying your queries. versity has agreed to place one camera at your great success. I have followed your Huw Harries, Bars Director the junction of Holyhead Road and College progress for many years, the consistent I thought I heard you Road. I can see a reason for locating a camera charm and vigour of your work continues to here - to keep an eye on the cashpoint and astound me, and I shall continue to support calling my name now people outside Albins - but College Road is you until I reach my deathbed. You were also An open letter to Huw Harries Cute little a better-lit and much more public place than very good in Silence of the Lambs, and even (Bars Director), the SU Execu- Glanrafon Hill. The camera will simply force The Edge was ok. Sorry you hate us Welsh tive and Seren: heartbreaker the undesirables beyond its scrutiny, and will people. Love you! Dear Huw — I have recently begun attend- Sir — I am writing with regard to the article if anything make the hill more dangerous. A fan ing the Yoga sessions in Jock’s Bar. I must on the Surf Team poster carried in the last Glanrafon Hill is the main pedestrian thor- compliment your group on using this space issue of Seren. You don’t know if Frankie oughfare between Upper and Lower Bangor. Seren replies: Perhaps, just perhaps, some day in such an effective way, and I look forward O‘Dowd is single do you? She’s foxy. Peace It is extremely busy much of the time but someone will send us a decent letter. to continuing in these sessions. out, dudes! there are also periods when it is empty. Many However, the session on Wednesday ‘President of the Surf Club’ female students are obliged to walk up the 4th October from 12pm-1.30pm was badly hill, often alone. A camera at the junction of For all the things interrupted by bar staff. It is not conducive the footpath know as ‘the chimney’ would to a Yoga session to have people chatting monitor both Brynteg and the lower part of you’ve said loudly behind the bar and noisily running Yaa, yaa, yaaa... Glanrafon Hill, as well as deterring the con- Man — Thought I’d drop you guys a line to the pipes. Would it not be possible to have stant littering and vandalism. pass on a real good tip for the smokers out bar activities at other times? It’s particu- Sir — Which mothafucker stole my flow? It is only a matter of time before some- there. If you think you’re coming down with larly bad when the sessions are just start- Eeney, meeney, miney mo? one is seriously injured here, and it is likely to a cold or summat that’ll leave you with a ing up and people are easily swayed by a Busta R. be a student. Will you wait for that to happen cough – not one of them coughs that we single bad session. before some reasonable safeguards are put smokers have anyway but those nasty fuck- Also, would it be possible for the floors Seren replies: Perhaps, just perhaps, some day into place? ers that you can’t get rid of for months, even to be cleaned before sessions? Much of someone will send us a decent letter. A concerned local resident Don’t go wasting your emotion: send it all to [email protected]! [email protected] WHATEVER SEREN October 2000 19 Give me excess Maximum Overdraft performed by Rostra on 3rd October

he sketch show is a dodgy business. saved only by the clever On TV we’re bombarded with the sup- film parodies and Paul Car- Tposedly hilarious comedy stylings of lon’s excellent Romanian Smack the Pony, Goodness Gracious Me and the accent. The potential, and infinitely more amusing The Fast Show and some of the dialogue, was Armstrong & Miller. Still, as UWB’s firmest- there, but sadly it ended established drama society, Rostra can afford poorly and without ever to take the gamble. Their first sketch night, really making me laugh. Extreme Bungee Croquet, was very popular — By and large, the cast enough to warrant a sequel, in fact. Maxi- was all top-hole, old chap, mum Overdraft was staged in the humble sur- as the ‘Public School Boyz’ roundings of Jock’s Bar on 3rd October to from one sketch would say, anyone who had a spare two pounds. but there was an annoying True to the nature of sketch comedy, tendency for some actors the show was extremely hit and miss. James to play each role with the Dawson wowed the crowd with his bizarrely same traits. Chris Chap- Frankie Endowed; Christopher Woodward hilarious performance as a raving vicar, man could give Jim Carrey and you’ve probably heard the one about a run for his money, but it would have been the student Jesus. The idea of a hapless, nice to see him in a different kind of role. ‘fashionably-late’ Jesus arriving in Bangor Maximum Overdraft was definitely head Seren and UWB Photographic Society present (having missed Chester) complete with a and shoulders above its predecessor, and, Thomas – ‘I seriously doubt that’ – and a unlike Extreme Bungee Croquet, had a clear pint-swilling Judas is deliriously wicked and beginning, middle and end. The ‘Porn Star’ was played with tongue firmly in cheek. sketch was clever, but I’m not sure if we Another real treat was a Pythonesque really needed to see Frankie O’Dowd in sketch wherein a young couple is scared her underwear — the world isn’t ready Picture this away from a flat by another prospective for that... yet. The final Riverdance was a This picture was voted the most popular photograph at the Photographic buyer masquerading as the estate agent. nice idea, but after about thirty seconds The part could have been written for John the novelty faded. What is so funny about Society’s Easter exhibition. The society holds a monthly contest for best Cleese, with its eccentricity and very subtle people jiggling around? picture, with the winner being reproduced in these pages. If you’d like to touches. However, Ian Fallon was perfectly Overall the night was a resounding suc- enter, email [email protected] or phone Mike the Chair- adequate, and from the audience’s reaction cess and even the weaker sketches were man on 01248 372340 / 07989 550793. it was clear that this was a favourite. amusing after a couple of pints. Bangor Unfortunately, this fresh, energetic needs more of these shows, and Maximum style of comedy did not carry through to Overdraft was a breath of fresh air to all all of the sketches. The cast struggled to of us comedy-starved students. It might make the most of the overlong and tedious not be everybody’s bag, baby, but with this ‘Chairman of the Board’ sketch, which had show Rostra have proved that they can be a certain charm that was sadly lost in the both original and funny without the aid of heavy dialogue. a Terry Pratchett play. The ‘Vampire’ sketch also limped along, Lola Kidney

Students’seren Union, Deiniol Road LL57 2TH Tel: 01248 388017 Fax: 01248 388020 Editor Darien Graham-Smith Assoc. Editor Chris Chapman Production Julie Neild EMB Ian Fallon Analysis Karl Sadil AOB Lola Kidney Games Dan Hartley Lifestyle Anthea Kessler Music Clare Lewis News Kevin Shoesmith Adam Pearson

If you want to get involved, Seren meets in the SU Media Room at 1pm every Sunday. Everyone welcome: no experience required, just enthusiasm. Shadows by Steve Disney 20 SEREN October 2000 ANY OTHER BUSINESS [email protected] Sunday, bloody Sunday EMB sounds off about a wasted 14.28% of his life The virtues of smoking moking: it gives you cancer. Most would see this as a bad thing — a hugely bad thing. But with rising life expectancies (old people not dying for ages), the government is Shaving to shell out tons in pensions and dribbling allowances. While the population is getting older there are fewer younger, working, tax-paying people to support them; we are going to run out of money to give to old people. This is where smoking plays its trump card: it kills you at about 65 or less. So well done to all the self-sacrificing smokers! Not only do you die (natural selection at its best, especially since smoking also lowers your sperm count so you can’t reproduce) but you don’t burden the rest of the country with having to support you in your drug- and medical-science-enhanced old age. Smokers not only sacrifice themselves, they also give us tons of money during their short lives. A 20-a-day smoker spends an average of £1,500+ a year, 80% of which is tax, so, um, well, maths isn’t my strong point, but that’s a lot of tax from one smoker. There The highlight of a Sunday evening at home are thirteen million cigarette smokers in the UK, and two million pipe and cigar smokers, generating a whopping £10.5 billion in tax. The NHS spends £1.7 billion on people who ell me why! I don’t like Sundays. Tell a month. But almost everyone I have ever have been made ill by smoking or smoking related causes; so you’ve paid several times over. me why! I don’t like Sundays… it’s known has been a last minute person, assum- Well done too you parental smokers for hospitalising 17,000 children under five every year Tnot a typo. Relax. I genuinely think ing they do the work at all. So it’s not what because of your smoke. They don’t need to breathe anyway. Stops them from screaming. Sundays are the Devil’s work. I know that’s most people think of doing on a Sunday. Kudos has to go to smokers, ‘cos without you Formula One racing wouldn’t get the fairly controversial, what with it being ‘God’s Saturday night, I think, is the only chance £200-300 million in sponsorship that tobacco companies spend on it out of the profits you day’ and all that, but if you leave that Chris- to avoid true Sunday hell. If you can stay generate. I rather like fast cars and big crashes, so thanks for keeping it going. tian mythology aside for your bible-bashing out drinking till one, you can squeeze an Smoking makes men look like James Dean and women look like super models. In their meetings you’ll see, as I have, that Sundays extra half hour out of waiting for friends. own heads, anyway. are evil. You can take your time getting home. You So light up a fag, give the government your cash, give your friends passive smoking lung You see, Mondays are good. Contrary to can watch a film before going to bed. You cancer, be an individual — you’re one of 1.1 billion smokers around the world. Help your popular belief, Monday is not the worst day should be able to push it till three or four friends to pull as you become uglier from the 4,000 noxious chemicals you suck in dimming of the week. Give it some thought before in the morning without too much trouble. your complexion and messing up your general appearance. Find out your true friends as you you side with the masses on this. I’m a stu- Sleep for, let’s say… nine hours in a drunken reek of stale fag smoke and have permanently bad breath. Come on, you 28% of men and dent, like the vast majority of you out there haze. It’s got to be at least midday before 26% of women who smoke, stand up and shout (if you have the lung capacity) about how who are reading this, so I don’t have to get you emerge from your pit. Woo-hoo! Half proud you are to be a smoker. up at the crack of dawn to go to work at a the day dealt with already. Frankie O’Dowd job that I hate, that doesn’t inspire me in any It’s not the best time management way, shape or form. Even if you are ‘unfortu- scheme in the world. Your liver won’t like nate’ enough to have lectures on a Monday it in the long run and your entire body will then you can still arrive late (or not at all), hate it on a weekly basis, but it does work. hungover or just dog tired, and be at more Now for the next eight hours before you or less peak efficiency. Take a fucking nap go to the pub again. You can shave a few min- if you’re really that bad on a Monday morn- utes off for moaning, groaning and bitching ing. The lecturers have seen it all before and about how you feel like you’re dying, but they still get paid regardless of how many that’s not gonna do it for the whole day. people are compost mentis [note to editor And this is what I’m getting at. There’s dude: help me out on the spelling of this Latin nothing to do on a Sunday. Not unless you’re shite, wouldya?] at their lectures. I’m not con- an energetic, outdoorsy type that joined doning sleeping in lectures; I’m just point- just about every single sporting club at Ser- ing out that as students we are not expected endipity. If you did, then I have a whole dif- to operate heavy machinery. We are not ferent bitch for you people. expected to manage vast multinational com- Watch that film again? Could do. Prob- panies. We are definitely not air-traffic con- ably won’t be able to remember half of it trollers. anyway. Still, that takes another two hours Anyone who says they like going to lec- off the total. Only six hours of boredom to tures is a fucking liar but what I’m trying get through. Two o’clock. Probably ought to say is that at least it’s something to do to get washed. Two thirty (it’s a nice long with your day. I think there’s maybe twenty shower, okay?). Too hungover to go shop- people in the university who have such huge ping. Shops close in less than two hours so responsibilities that it’ll take up their entire it’s probably not worth it. Chances are that day: the rest of us just have studying and you did shopping during the week anyway socialising to cram into each twenty-four so that’s not an option. hour slot. We have nothing to bitch about There’s nothing to do! I swear to all the when it comes to Mondays! We have it easy gods I don’t believe in, Sundays are so dull. and that’s why the great unwashed hate It’s almost enough to make me want to start us. That’s why there are so many student believing in God just so I have something to jokes. do on the Sabbath. Now Sundays… Sundays have nothing So here’s the challenge for all you beau- going for them. You can’t socialise properly tiful people out there: tell me what there is ‘cos you’re painfully aware that the pubs for a tired, unfit, hungover, broke, agnostic, close early. I know it’s only a half hour, but single guy (yeah, appealing, isn’t it?) with a it’s one forty-eighth of the day that you’ll great sense of humour, sensitivity and ‘nice have to think of something else to do with. eyes’ (this is just to make me feel better And when you’ve been trying to fill the rest here) to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon. of the week with things to do, by the time What do you win? Well, how about I come you get to Sunday, you’ll be starting to run along, you show me what’s what, and you out of ideas. Do the maths: eight hours of get to see your face in these hallowed pages. sleep, maybe two and a half hours in the pub We can call it the ‘Sunday Review’. Can you that night — you’ve still got thirteen and a beat the current score of 1/5? Or are you half hours left of the day to fill! just as bored as me? Come on Bangor, chal- Okay, you could do some work. Maybe lenge me to make the most of my life. Drop Even Ann Widdecombe used to smoke in her youth do a bit of research for that essay due in me a line on [email protected]. [email protected] ANY OTHER BUSINESS SEREN October 2000 21 STALIN SAYS... by Rick Dickerson MOLOTOV LITERATURE David O. MacGowan puts the world to rights

am changing the title of this column. But Potter represents the fight back! Oh ‘Molotov’. Pathetic. How webellious. A yeah baby! Get out of the way, Abacus! Piss I half-hearted cry to my militant past off, Penguin! Bloomsbury’s got childish on that never actually existed; just paranoia yo’ ass, and it’s fab, so up your butt with a that I turned conveniently round to make coconut and stick YOU! I really want a Fire- out the world was out, really, just to get bolt broomstick, and Quidditch is already me, and me alone. ‘Molotov!’ Like I’d ever a million miles better than poxy football even slap anyone let alone throw a bottle ever could be, and it doesn’t even exist. in a riot. Bollocks. And ‘Literature’. Jesus, I The film’s gonna be great. Hate those kid hate that word. An obsession with words actors though. and letters, this long in, and I’ve only just realised that caring more about books than lan McGee, meanwhile, is getting about people is about the saddest, most decidedly homophobic on Coldplay’s misanthropically fucked-up, weak and hate- Aass, as it were. Something to do with ful thing you can suffer from. That, and their soft-spoken, folky indie translating as voting Conservative (hey, I still got a lil’ bit ‘practically bending over and begging for of the old magic!). it up the arse’. Now there’s a sad, bitter Yeah, by all means be political if it’s wreck of a man. I’m no Coldplay fan, but the politics of the everyday. Because that’s the assumption that sensitivity instantly what you can see, that’s what you can means gayness, and that that’s bad, is just talk about any authority, because you have astonishing... but, like Eminem’s sad world- experienced it first-hand, it is real. It’s find- view, maybe the best way of dealing with

Isn’t it weird how totally unshocking modern attempts at shock-rock are?

ing racist graffiti, or seeing sexism in a media big-gobs like this really is just to pop song or a TV ad, or just recognising a laugh at them. And not buying their records DIVIDE when you see one. But I don’t want might help just a tad too. So much for to pretend any more that I’m some quasi- McGee’s Poptones label spearheading some Chuck D figure storming the barricades, 21st Century alt.culture revolution. How I when if I were confronted by said barri- cringe at my predictions now. cades I’d probably much rather doodle a Talking of Eminem, isn’t it weird how band logo on them and shuffle off quietly. totally unshocking modern attempts at So, the Beatles have split, Labour are in, shock-rock are? An obvious observation, life goes on, everything’s connected, and but it makes me feel better repeating it. there’s good and bad in everything etc etc. It’s probably the one reason to feel lucky at Right. Now I’ve got it. Okay. I can breathe being so British and ironic and knowing and now. Enter: ‘Uncreate’. Hey, one likes the postmodern. In America, Marilyn Manson sound of it. Bare bones, and all that. was proclaimed a virtual walking Anti- christ, while here most people find him succumbed over the summer to the a harmless clown with Alice Cooper stage Harry Potter ‘phenomenon’. Like Star antics turned up to eleven and a goth I Wars, Slipknot and MSN Hotmail, this makeover. It almost makes one yearn for is one bandwagon I’m only too happy to the mind of a redneck, if only to remem- jump on. If you’re not yet acquainted with ber what it was liked to be shocked and the young wizard, ignore the ‘we’re still gripped and excited in whatever way by with it’ back-cover quotes from the likes something as silly as pop music. of the Independent On Sunday. All that ‘qual- Why do we actually need shock bands? ity fiction all ages can enjoy’ guff is just The best reasons are the genuine ones, the a smokescreen, from the kind of people ignition of some kind of cultural movement, who made necessary ‘adult’ reprints of the however vague, not some perceived and books with ‘mature’ new jackets to hide the media-influenced ‘generation gap.’ Look at horror of what ‘childishness’ lies within, the non-revolution of Britpop circa ‘95 — a or whose only admiration of J.K. Rowling generation’s attempt at self-definition that comes from the size of her bank balance. depended on a generation bridge! Punk and The fact is, they’re bloody good books! Harry acid house were the UK’s last shock music isn’t ‘a creation of genius,’ but that’s the movements, and we know how time has point. You more or less know these stories weakened their impact. Slipknot, despite already. The starting-school nerviness, the gig cancellations, clearly aren’t in the Sex making friends, the finding of good versus Pistols league of things, as HMV and the evil, the magic, the being drawn to the like are only too happy to openly sell their temptations of the ‘dark side’... you’ve been singles. But musical movements are impor- here before, ever since you were born. tant springboards for a whole generation Joanne Rowling’s tales are as simple and of people. Maybe that’s the trouble with as old as they come and she deserves your the digital age, of having so much choice LOVE because in this horrid grown-up world that everyone’s looking in a different place. too many people just want to churn out Have we seen the last of any ‘this is us’ modern ‘romances’ (Come Together, It Could explosion? I’d be sad if Big Brother is our Be You, Bridget Yawns) that are just Mills & only heirloom to future historians. Being Boon for the irony generation. Simple sto- able to say you were part of something ries get shoved on the kids’ shelf or fun- that was really happening, that changed nelled into quaint sub-genres (‘you don’t you, means a hell of a lot. Find something, like science fiction do you!?’). find shock, and catch it in a bottle. 22 SEREN October 2000 FOOD & DRINK [email protected]

Food & Drink with Anthea Kessler ith the start of the So say goodbye to the era in which dirty laundry mag- exist on. Junkfood contains substances such as conserva- new (academic) ically reappeared clean and ironed in your cupboard and tives, synthetic aroma and white bread that our metabo- Wyear we get our where a fridge stuffed with all-you-can-eat comestibles came lism cannot handle on a daily basis because fundamentally second annual chance at with a content-replacement policy. our bodies only ‘know’ things such as vegetables, fruits and making and breaking our It’s little wonder that, under the onslaught of new things animal produce. Living off fast food is like giving your body New Year’s resolutions… to do, cooking inevitably falls short because an hour (opti- the wrong type of fuel in the long run. Like any engine again. Work harder, sleep mistic estimation) spend slaving over the stove just doesn’t your body will react to this sort of treatment by not func- more, spend less and hey compare well to the fifteen minutes it may take to gulp tioning efficiently. Try cooking a few times a week when you — eat healthier. down the product of your culinary skills. Eventually we all know you can spare the time. By following a general recipe For the majority of run out of steam when the novelty factor of cooking for our- you should have enough left over to freeze into portions. first year students, arriv- selves wears off, and then it’s back to fast food and ready- During the week you could for instance eat whatever you ing in Bangor is also the beginning of a new life chapter into made frozen meals. cooked over the weekend. Special cookbooks are available adulthood; away from home, more independence and with Don’t get me wrong; fast food can occasionally be great with dishes that take less than an hour to make. This month that more responsibility (yada yada yada). Unfortunately that and it certainly forms an essential part of the student expe- we present two recipes for quick and easy dishes (and if you also includes feeding ourselves. rience. It’s not, however, something you should exclusively don’t like chicken you can use pork or beef mince). Scrumptiousness Chicken Fricassee Chicken & Peach with Peas and A fruity, easy-to-make dish that goes excellently with rice or pasta. Serves four. Cooking & prepa- Mushrooms ration time: approx. 35 minutes. A creamy chicken dish that serves four. Cooking & preparation time: approx. 30 minutes. You will need: • 200g spring onions or normal onions You will need: • 800g chicken • 200g onions • Curry powder • 300g mushrooms • White pepper • 600g chicken (or turkey) • 2 tbsp oil • 250ml chicken stock (Oxo chicken cubes • 125ml Chicken stock (Oxo chicken cubes are fine) are fine) • 200 ml cream • 280g bean sprouts (canned or fresh) • 300g peas (canned or fresh) • 250g canned peaches (or apricots) • 1tsp corn starch • 1 tbsp corn starch • 1tbsp lemon juice • 4 tbsp mango chutney • 1tbsp Worcester sauce • Oil, salt and pepper 1 Cut the onions into fine rings. Slice the meat into small chunks and season it with 1 Peel and chop the onions. Slice the curry powder, salt and pepper. mushrooms. Fry the onions until they are 2 Heat oil and fry onions at medium heat Golden Syrup 1 Melt the butter, sugar and syrup in a pan. transparent then add the mushrooms and until almost transparent. Add the meat to the Be careful not to let the mixture boil. cook them at low heat for 5 minutes. onions and fry it, making sure it is cooked. Flapjacks 2 Add in the oats and a pinch of salt and stir 2 Slice the meat into strips, fry until cooked 3 Add the stock to the meat and onions and If you think only health freaks eat flapjacks, pre- thoroughly. and season with salt and pepper. Add stock, let it simmer for 8-10 minutes at medium heat, pare to be won over. These flapjacks will leave you 3 Press the oat mixture into a 20cm square cream and meat to onions and mushrooms and stirring occasionally. begging for more. tin and smooth over the surface with a knife simmer for 8-10 minutes over medium heat. 4 Drain bean sprouts if necessesary and cut 4 Place tin in the centre of the oven and bake 3 Cook the peas if they are fresh. Mix the up fruit into small pieces. Mix the corn starch You will need: for 25-30 minutes at 190°C (Gas Mark 5) until starch with a little bit of cold water and stir with a little bit of the canned juice. Make sure • 150g butter the mixture is set and golden brown. well until there are no lumps before adding it there are no lumps before you stir it into the • 75g brown sugar 5 Mark into portions while still warm and to the rest of the dish. broth. If you have used fresh bean sprouts you • 75g golden syrup then leave to cool down. 4 Let everything boil and then mix in peas. need to cook them first. Add the sprouts and • 225g porridge oats 6 Store in an airtight tin (should you have any Season with salt, pepper, Worcester sauce and fruits to the ragout and season with mango • Salt left after your friends and flatmates are done lemon juice, and serve with rice or pasta. chutney and salt and pepper. with them). A South Park drinking game Simply watch an episode of South Park and take a drink whenever • The show isn’t a repeat. • Stan pukes on Wendy. any of the events on the list to the right happens. You can of course • Kenny dies. • Wendy says ‘ew!’ make up lists for other shows or add to this one. For variation, you • Rats carry off Kenny’s head (drink twice). • Stan gets the crap beaten out of him by his sister. could specify different sorts or amounts of drink for different events. • Cartman says ‘son of a bitch!’ • Chef mentions love. • An animal is used or referred to in a sexual manner • Cartman says ‘beefcake!’ (e.g. ‘I know a certain kitty, kitty...’). Down your • Pip makes an appearance. drink if the animal is a pig. • Special guests appear (e.g. Brian Boitano, Elton • Someone farts (drink twice if it’s lit). John), even during the opening credits. Drink again • Chef sings. if the special guest never speaks. • Chef makes up a word (e.g. ‘metal hoobajoo’). • Chef curses. • Mr. Hat swears. • Chef refers to the boys as ‘crackers.’ • Someone eats or mentions Cheesy Poofs. • South Park residents pass or gather in front of Tom’s • Kyle kicks the baby. Rhinoplasty. • Ike says ‘don’t kick the baby.’ • A visitor appears (credits included). • Someone says ‘sweet!’ • Officer Barbrady tries to cover up an incident. • Cartman says he’s not fat, just big-boned. • Stan knows the moral of the story. • Kenny speaks. • Cartman mentions pie. • Kyle’s mom is called a bitch (drink twice if Kyle is the • Terrance or Phillip farts. culprit). • The genetic engineer wants to reform his mad scien- • Anything explodes (down your drink). tist ways. • Someone calls Cartman a ‘fatass.’ • The genetic engineer uses the word ‘lusciously’. • Cartman says ‘kick ass!’ • Someone other than Kenny dies. [email protected] SPORT SEREN October 2000 23

Sport with Ben Caile ood day to you. It would appear there is sity of Wales in Bangor have seen fit to submit good character to take the first step and com- not a great deal of sport this month; for, their own reports, copies of which are repro- pose such a report. The second step of dispatch- Gmy promise to the editor that I still wished duced below for the express benefit of the gen- ing it to yours truly will also be of assistance. to run this section notwithstanding, I have sin- eral public. Submissions will be received via the elec- gularly failed to present a single article for pub- Theirs is a fine example, and one which tronic mail at [email protected]. The lication this issue. Even my editorial has been other Union sporting associations would do well editor is also pleased to receive handwritten, carefully ghostwritten by the late Rt. Hon. Sir to note. The Seren will be proud to carry any typed or electromagnetically-inscribed submis- Winston Churchill MP. report of news both on and off the playing-field sions to his office on the second floor of the Stu- Thankfully, the accredited Basketball, Bad- received from a bona fide athletic club or society. dents’ Union facility. minton and Women’s Rugby teams of the Univer- All that is required is for a gentleman or lady of Harrumph. Girls with balls Shuttle Glenys Jones reports from Women’s Rugby

he summer holidays saw nine players and the team’s Birds again. Unfortunately, they came back stronger than water-wench descend upon Switzerland. After an enter- before and beat us in a well-fought match, leaving us all rocks Ttaining journey across the country with the whole shattered but feeling successful at having come second. team packed into Patrick the Camper Van we arrived in St. A brilliant time was had by all both on and off the he University Badminton Teams experienced mixed Gallen for the Bishop’s Cup 10’s tournament. Once tents pitch, with some great rugby played, some great drinking fortunes last week at the start of their Arfon Dwyfor were pitched we met up with our ‘friends’ – the Cardiff Sara- done and international friendships further strengthened. All Tleague campaign. The A-team began with a home cens men’s team – and spent the night drinking free beer at came home with good memories (some still blurred) and an win over Portdinorwic B by a margin of 9-0. Their second the sponsor pub. By Saturday morning we were all fired up impressive trophy — a cow bell. game was against Portdinorwic A. This match was a lot to play and, adopting a Hungarian player to make up num- September saw the team welcome many new players to closer, and the final result was not certain until the last few bers, we hit the pitch. Having made a name for ourselves an already-strong squad. Within two weeks many played matches. Mark Davies, Mike O’Brien, Colette May and Sue the night before, we boosted our reputation by winning their first game which saw a good start to the North Lee Moss won the last two games to give a scoreline of 6-3. our first two matches. By early evening with one match left Wales League, beating Wrexham 47-5. A home match against Rob Ogden too had a fantastic match. minds were slowly losing the focus from rugby and turning Bethesda followed and saw another impressive win of 60-0. The B team also played Portdinorwic B and, despite to restoring our alcohol levels. This led to an unfortunate The team also saw five players represent North Wales on never having played together before, wish some plaing loss to the Swiss Basel Birds. To reconcile ourselves we Sunday and score 55 points in a 95-0 win over Liverpool Uni. their first ever competitive matches, they won two excel- quickly hit the beer tent for another night. This gives us confidence, as we are to play them later in the lent games. Unfortunately, the final result was 7-2 in Port- Sunday morning was more of a struggle to drag players BUSA league, which starts for us with an away match against dinowic’s favour. out of their tents for our first match, which also saw us two Edge Hill in three weeks. The B team plays its next match against Portdinorwic A players short – due to off-pitch injuries caused off the pitch! This year we are looking for a highly successful season, on Tuesday. – and the rest of the team nursing hangovers and suffering hoping to do even better than last year both on and off the The Badminton Club have organised a tournament sleep deprivation. However, the Sarries kindly lent us one pitch. If you’d like to try rugby or find out more, email Kylie which is open to members of the University on Saturday, of their players who had been desperate to play with nine Wilson (team captain) on pep406 or call her on extension 9th December 2000. Entry is £2.50 an event, and entry mud-covered women since arrival. After somehow winning 8147 or on 01248 364998 — or just come along on Mondays forms will be available to clubs soon. our first match we went on to win the second, which meant and Thursdays at 7.30pm on the Ffriddoedd pitch. For more Nicola Ridgers we were through to the final - only to have to face the Basel information, email [email protected]. BBC does BUSA Bangor Basketball Club gives details of how to join and details of up and coming matches

he UWB Basketball Club holds regular International 3v3 practice sessions for its members; all The International 3v3 Tournament is held annu- Tlevels of skill and ability are catered for. ally in Krakow, Poland. We intend to send at These are on Monday nights 8-10pm at Maes least three mixed teams to represent the Uni- Glas, Tuesday evenings 6-8pm at Normal Site versity against a number of strong sides from and Saturday afternoons 12-2pm at Maes Glas. all over Europe. Exchanges also provide the During the first few weeks of term all practices opportunity for club members to take the Uni- are open to both Men and Women. Individual versity to their home towns to play against sessions will be arranged once the number of their local teams. Already we have fixtures in members has been established. Winchester, Grimsby and Dublin. This year we Within a few weeks we will be resuming are also looking forward to some extremely our six days a week fitness regime which, tough competition against some of the stars of although compulsory for players on the first the Budweiser league. team, is optional for all other club members. The fitness aspect of the club is also open to Club vacation non-members for a nominal fee. In gratitude for everyone’s hard work through- BUSA (the British Universities Sports Asso- out the year we intend to organise a subsidised ciation) matches comprise the majority of the club vacation in the sun. Ooooh! Sounds like competitive calendar until March 2001. Games hard work, doesn’t it? are played weekly both at home and away. The Basketball Club is hoping to host a Visit www.undeb.bangor.ac.uk/basketball or number of fundraising events, including a club see posters in Maes Glas for more details. night in the Main Bar. These nights will be UWB Basketball Club practising in Maes Glas hosted by Basketball Club DJ’s, so get your Bradford Tournament requests in early, and everyone is welcome a prerequisite. After these three trial sessions Grab your mates, or just turn up on your own The Bradford Tournament (hosted by Bradford to attend. Any further ideas for fund-raising you can continue to participate on joining the (we’re a friendly bunch, honest), and join in University) is a large basketball competition would be gratefully received, and can be put club. Membership fees are: Training Member a practice session. If you have any questions during the May Bank Holiday Weekend, which to our Social Secretary, Ted Theaker, on 07980 £12; Social Member £8; Fitness Member £5. Fit- about any part of the club, don’t hesitate to this year runs from Friday 4th May to Monday 626349. ness Non-Members pay per session. Full details contact one of our officials: Club Captain Dan 7th May 2001. The weekend is as much a social are available on request. Fowler on 07733 114998; Club Secretary Adam occasion, if not more so, as a basketball exhi- Membership Remember, anyone can be a part of Bangor Taylor on 07947 015306; or Club Treasurer bition. Full details of the tournament will be Everyone can attend on three occasions prior Basketball Club — you don’t even need to play, Simon Rees on 07968 236634. Alternatively, made available nearer the date. to joining the club, for which AU membership is and you can come down just to lend a hand. email us on [email protected]. georgeNormal Site BAR g

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