US Postage HAH Bronx. New York Wednesday Permit No. 7608 March 30, 1983 Non-profit Org. April Fool's Issue FORDHAM UNIVERSITY. NEW YORK Ram Editors Die In Campus Blast It is a sad day at Fordham as students and administrators mourn the loss of the editors pened," explained a staff member from the of The Ram. paper, "Only yesterday the machine was working perfectly for us," he added. The tragedy occurred on March 22, in the "I saw the printed copies. Their faces campus print shop in Faculty Memorial Hall. looked angelic. They were true ncwspeople The good boys and girls from The Ram went and we will miss them," said Vice President to the shop in order to put together the for Student Affairs Joseph McGowan. week's issue. As they began to use the Com- puwriter IV (the big mean typesetting "I trusted them. 1 liked lo talk lo them about my future plans. They always treated machine), an explosion occurred. me with care," said Assistant Dean for "It was terrible. Smoke was all over. It Residential Life Peter Perhac. looked like a scene from Poltergeist, as one "They were the cleanest bunch of kids by one those good, decent editors were you'd ever want to know. They never sucked into that horrible monster of a misquoted me," said Director of Physical machine," according to witness Harry Fix-il Plant Bob Mahan. of Physical Plant. "I didn't know who to Hundreds of letters have been pouring into call. Maybe I should have called Bob Marian, University President James Finley's office or Jay McGowan, or how about an IBI since the accident. Mourners are asked not to guard. This place is so confusing you never send flowers, but to make donations so that know who's in charge," he added. more gobd students can keep The Ram It was too late though, The Ram editors coming out every week. were doomed. It seems their guardian angel Former Ram editor Rich Dooley summed had the night off. Those good boys and girls up the students' feelings the best. At the were eaten by the typesetting machine. As memorial mass held last Sunday, Rich said, page after page of copy flew out it was found "They were fine individuals, and 1 feel the that on each page a different Ram editor was only way to give them justice is to use the imprinted. words of Billy Joel, and say, 'Only the Good "I don't know how this could have hap- Die Young.'" SAC Burns Workers search blast sight for remains of missing Ram editors n Survival Kit Sequel by The Beard obtained official permission for the project, Inspired by the success of the "Final Exam Perhac replied, "Permission? We don't need Survival Kil" solicited last semester, no slinking permission." Perhac was also by The Wormbreedcr Assistant Dean of Students for Residential asked if he would benefit financially from the Several thousand copies of student Life Peter Perhac, is planning a sequel to this sale of the kit. "My cut is none of your publications were burned last night on Ed- venture called "The Fordham Housing Sur- business," he retorted, "I'm getting very ward's Parade ai a newly created "Open Air, vival Kit." suspicious ol the paper." The Dean was Open Mind" mixer jointly sponsored by the Resident Directors Josephine Vitiello and llien informed thai (his reporter was from Student Activities Council and the Ad- Tim Barr will once again be "bankrolling" The Ram, to which he responded, "What missions Office. the project which is expected (o net substan- difference does thai make to me? I can't read Copies of The Ram, the Point, The Obser- tially more money lhan the first survival kit. anyway. If you have any more questions, ask ver and the paper were consumed by 10-foot "We figured, hey, we got away with it once, "The Big Cheese." high flames as horrified editors looked on. why not try it again and go for some really Vice President lor Student Affairs Joseph "Mother of God. Oh, the humanity!" big bucks," said Vitiello. McGowan, alias "The Big Cheese" or "The cried a Rain staff member. According lo Resident Assistant James Big Mac," defended the actions of Perhac Former Ram editor Rich Doolcy made a Harrington, FC '83, who Vitiello referred to and his staff. He charged that the entire in- heroic but vain attempt to rescue copies of as the "brains of the operation." the new kit cident was blown out of proportion by a vin- his basketball preview issue and the ill-fated will cost $100 and will be automatically dictive campus press. "I'm very suspicious of Fordham Sports Magazine. He succeeded deducted from the recently doubled $200 the paper," he said, "And Tin deeply disap- only in burning his hand, letting out a • room deposit. "It's no big deal," said pointed that my mouthpiece, The Ram, is bellowing "Yyyyyao." Harrington, "We've been splitiing room stabbing me in the back." Appeals to Board of Trustees Chairman • 'Mother of God. Oh, the deposits among the R.A.'s for years now. The lone opposition lo the plan seems to be Richard Bennett to stop the event were met humanity!" Why do you think no one ever gels them Executive Vice President Paul Rciss. "1 think >vith a deaf ear. "Life is not easy," he said, back?" the whole thing is a shameful abuse of a policy that il should have better husbandry of "it's a murderously difficult job to try and The new survival kil will contain such "gag University position, but my hands are tied. its resources: "No one reads them anyway. kill all your stories." items" as a roach motel, Milk of Magnesia, Vitiello told me it' I put the finger on Perhac's They just sit in the bins. So why not save Assistant Vice President for Student Af- and Pepio Bismol. "We wanted to provide a gang I might have an unfortunate accident." something on our healing bills. Who cares fairs Mary-Mo'em Down-Raddock said the complete dietary supplement to the Saga- about the First Amendment. We're a Jesuit "Thai's a bald-laced lie," snapped consuming community as well as rake in :veni was "delightful" and promoted institution, and you know how cheap they Vitiello. "I never threatened the guy. I just plenty of the green stuff," said Resident cultural awareness. "The moon was full and are." told him if he wasn't careful his car might ex- the marshmellows tasted great." she added. Assistant Tom Ryan. plode, and he could wind up as a bowl of "Of course we believe in free speech." When asked bv The Rain whether lie Had Reisscrispies." However, Raddock said it was difficult to responded SAC chairperson Mary Galligan, procure copies of the paper. "They haven't "we didn't stop you from yelling that there been around for a while, but 1 can smell those was a fire on Edward's Parade. We want suckers a mile away," she said. Raddock everyone to know what a thorough job of noted that as copies of the paper were toasted censorship we do." Kang Bang Held into the liames they emitted an odor Because of the success of the mixer, there reminiscent of burning plastic. are plans to hold furl her burnings, said an Bob Keeshan finally burned his blazer last He men graduated to wearing smy nats in his Raddock hinted that serious penalties were enthusiastic SAC member. SAC plans lo week. After 35 years the Fordham graduate first role, Clarabelle the clown. In 1955 he imposed on students under 19 who were conduct a raid of Duune, Lincoln Center and has retired as television's "Captain debuted the Captain Kangaroo Show, and -•aught drinking at the mixer. "How do you the Law School Libraries where allegedly Kangaroo." The last episode of the ac- for 35 years it was the flagship of CBS' children's programming. Keeshan's efforts think those flames really gol that high," she "redundant publications" and bad books are claimed children's program aired March 25 won him an Emmy in 1978 and a Peabody said, "but they were probably fried held. "If there's anything at Tarrytown, we'll on CBS. award in 1979. beforehand anyway." get that, too," he said, "our authority goes To mark the occasion Fordham ad- Physical Plant Director Robert Mahan was beyond funding, and we're gonna prove it." ministrators held a parly in his old dorm Finlay said the fad lhal the show had won equally pleased with the spectacle, "(lee, we "After all, whai purpose is there for a free room. Ironically, thai room now houses the so much acclaim did not shape his decision to throw his party at all. "We just like lo dress should have more of these. It would solve our press?" asked John Rumrich, another SAC offices of University President Rev. James C. silly," he said trying lo make a moose puppet heating problems with Walsh Hull's thirteen- member. "Appointed bodies are never ac- Finlay, S.J. Finlay's office was transformed talk while downing a scotch and soda. th floor. Now we can turn it off in the whole countable," he said as he tossed a copy of the into a replica of the Capt. Kangaroo set and About 50 people attended the Kang Bang. building and people could camp out here," Bible onto the flames. Later. Rumrich administrators gathered lo watch the final The cast of characters included: Executive he said.