Exemplar 6 - a B

Exemplar 6 - a B Susan and Giraffe: The Introduction Alone in the deepest of woods, the darkest of cabins, the most mysterious of forbidden lands, a man, Geoff, awoke. Well, his real name was Geoff, but he liked to be called Susan. Every day at precisely fourteen minutes past seven in the morning he would get out of his bed, look in the mirror and say with slurred speech, “I am Susan.” Eating discarded bottle caps and used plasters for breakfast, he would sit in a patched-up, yet somehow inflated dinghy and watch Storage Hunters on Dave. Susan liked closure, which made him happy, given that it was the last in the series; treating himself to a glass of blended rabbits’ feet. Every so often, Susan would shout “Giraffe,” in hopes of alerting his servant and finest creation. On the third call Giraffe would pay Susan a visit. The nickname of ‘Giraffe’ was acquired as he had a long neck – although it was actually eighteen necks. Susan murdered seventeen people for the sole purpose of taking their necks. He stitched each neck onto Giraffe and added a small button on each of them, in order to change the voice that Giraffe used. The voices ranged from deep tones to high pitches, but today’s voice sounded a little sore. Giraffe could only walk slowly to Susan, because his neck was constantly flaccid; it looked like he was always doing the limbo. Susan made his way over to Giraffe, picked up his head and pushed it over his body, causing him to fall forwards. “Who’s my little Giraffe?” questioned Susan. He replied, “I am, Daddy. But I want the body of a hippo.” This deeply angered Susan. Giraffe knew that Susan dreamed of riding a hippo that the two found in their cupboard, before Giraffe beat it to death with a golf club. “Guess who’s cleaning up the toenail room today?” asked Susan, condescendingly. “But I hate toenails, Daddy!” “Tough.” The toenail room was just that: a room filled with toenails. Some from Susan and Giraffe, some from the seventeen victims and some that Susan had collected from The Great Toenail Clipping Festival of ’06. Head still forward, Giraffe dragged himself along the floor and licked the carpet to suck up any toenails that he came into contact with. “Thank you for this opportunity, Daddy.” “Don’t worry,” Susan said whilst grinning, “the bodily secretion room is next.” Susan and Giraffe: The Awakening Minus the eighteen necks, there was something very interesting about Giraffe; something that Susan had never noticed. On his left shoulder a small, potato-like sprout had been present for years. Given that Giraffe had abnormally short arms and could never see his shoulder because of his neck, he never knew of its existence. But why did Susan never notice it? A mixture of a lack of care and an inability to recognise new life. The real problem was that the sprout was growing. On a lifeless Sunday evening, the sprout started to grumble. Susan immediately thought that this was Giraffe moaning about the socks on his eyebrows again. Thanks to this, Susan made the decision to constantly stab Giraffe with a dark broom, covered in needles and syringes. This usually shut Giraffe up, as he would bleed like a sieve. But the groaning continued. “It’s not me, Daddy! I don’t want any of the syringe broom!” “Then what is it? Speak.” “I wish I knew, Daddy, I do!” Giraffe said, as his legs gave way and fell to the floor. For the first time in nine moons since Giraffe’s creation, Susan showed a scrap of concern. Holding his breath, Susan checked Giraffe for anything suspicious, but was unable to identify anything unusual. He eventually decided to call in the help of an old and abandoned comrade – Boardong. Boardong was kept in a small crate with Susan’s collection of vintage sprinklers. Boardong was a dwarf for his kind, but was still around eight feet tall. Boardong’s talent, due to his tube-like body – the width of a toilet roll – was that he could fit into almost any small space. But there was something else about Exemplar 6 - a B Boardong that was very convenient. He was a doctor, although this was self-proclaimed. Susan was visited by Boardong one summer when he had had a severely infected little toe. However, as Boardong made the toe detach, Susan locked him in the crate. But Susan needed Boardong to “Get Giraffe to shut the hell up.” Much like Giraffe, Boardong had extremely short arms and extremely short legs, but could actually stand up without falling over. Boardong could not speak very well but managed to work for Master Susan. “Yeth, Mast Usan, whad do you meed?” “Giraffe is moaning, but it’s not him. Well it is him, but it’s not him. What can you do? I’m trying to skin white rhinos in here.” “I’m athrayed, Mast Usan, yat I do net onderyand your requeth.” “Shut Giraffe up or I’ll use the duct tape again.” “No, momo, not ye thuct dape, I thdill net yet recov’d. Yet’s thee whad Giraythe is cryin for.” Boardong walked over to Giraffe’s limp body, as he had significantly weakened. Giraffe kept opening and closing his mouth, without making any sounds. Boardong was completely flexible and bent down and immediately noticed the problem, as sweat poured from his eyes. “Uh-tho,” remarked Boardong. “What’s the issue?” “Parathit! Parathit! Parathit! Giraythe gon thie.” “But I need Giraffe to… you know, hurt. But parasites will be parasites.” As soon as Susan stopped talking, the sprout instantly grew into the form of a massive snake, but sucked in with such a malicious force that Boardong’s face was yanked towards it. Boardong’s small head was now engulfed by the serpent, with Giraffe’s eyes turning a deep red as he said to the snake, “Snaroffe. Master. Duties. I will fulfil.” “Yes, Snaroffe,” said Susan. “I knew this day would come. It is as the monks of Scunthorpe foretold. Feed. Feed on your meal.” In one fell swoop, all of Boardong’s eight feet had disappeared somewhere inside Giraffe’s body. But Snaroffe was not finished. Snaroffe opened his mouth and licked Giraffe’s face as they both smiled. “Eat me, Master. I am ready.” Snaroffe was still inside and attached to Giraffe’s body, but stretched out even further. Like the anaconda mutation that he was, he first started feasting on Giraffe’s small limbs. Giraffe did not cry and was happy, as Susan tried to conceal his arousal. With the limbs digested rapidly, Snaroffe targeted Giraffe’s rather delectable head and neck. “Have I succeeded, Master? Will I satisfy your needs for taste?” “Yes, you will. Your neck and my body shall now combine.” Giraffe smiled, although the red in his eyes had disappeared. Giraffe wanted this. Snaroffe consumed Giraffe’s head and neck in a single gulp and ripped the neck apart from the torso. Giraffe’s neck was now inside his own torso. All that remained was Giraffe’s torso, unable to move, with Snaroffe’s head sticking out the top of it. Susan could not stop staring at the events which unfolded before him. He was happy, scared, concerned but most importantly, extremely excited. For years when giraffe was asleep, Susan sprinkled SneedSeed on Giraffe’s shoulder, hoping to awaken his true Lord. Evidently, it had worked. However, Susan was crying purple tears. He didn’t know why they were purple. “I wanted to eat Giraffe. Me. His neck was supposed to grow more, and become delicious.” Snaroffe gave Susan a dark stare, one that had consumed many a soul. He licked his lips. Susan backed away slowly, but was ready to pounce. But he couldn’t do it – Susan decided that he was too happy. He stood up, walked slowly to Snaroffe, gave him a hug whilst patting his head gently. Snaroffe did not accept this craving pleasingly, and bit Susan’s left hand clean off. Susan ignored his abnormally purple blood as his anger grew more and more to the point that the bleeding stopped. In an instant, Susan grabbed Snaroffe just below the head and picked him up along with Giraffe’s useless torso. Susan swung Snaroffe, plus the torso, over his head like a lasso, Exemplar 6 - a B hitting the torso against the wall. As each swing became harder, Giraffe’s torso weakened, and it eventually exploded, releasing Giraffe’s limbs, head and neck. Snaroffe remained, dripping from his now ripped lower end. Snaroffe’s expression was a sullen one; his terribly thought out and spontaneous plan had failed. Susan threw Snaroffe’s body onto the ground, as he searched for his hand within the half- digested neck and limbs of his beloved servant. Susan’s hand had barely decayed, so he picked it up and stuck it on the stump of his wrist. However, Susan noticed that it was significantly smaller than his other one; he had actually picked up Giraffe’s hand instead. The hand grafted instantly, as Susan possessed many oddities. Susan didn’t care, since he preferred smaller things in general. Snaroffe had tried to escape, but Susan wasn’t having it. He picked up Snaroffe by the head again, but took him to a very special room – the room of the appetizing body hairs. This was definitely Giraffe’s worst nightmare, one that was thought to be a legend.

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