Family Dinner--Introductory Talk
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Family Dinner--Introductory Talk Studies--benefits of regular family dinners: • Kids are less likely to suffer from depression, suicidal thoughts, develop eating disorders (CASCA; U Minn) • Eating family dinners at least five times a week drastically lowers a teen’s chance of smoking, drinking, and using drugs. (CASCA) • Teens who eat dinner with their families are also more likely to delay sex. (Idaho) • 9- to 14-year-olds who dine with their families eat better-- more fruits, more vegetables, less junk. Generally speaking their diets are also had higher in key nutrients, like calcium, iron, and fiber. (Harvard • Good grades, higher SAT scores and larger more advanced vocabularies are attributed to participation in regular family dinners—one report I read found only 20% of students who had regular dinner with their families had an average of C or less. (CASCA) • Statistically tweens and teens report good relationships with parents and believe that their parents are proud of them. (Barilla) • The parents, too, are happier, more satisfied with family life if they have regular family dinners (BYU, 2007; Barilla) • New research shows that the more frequent family dinners, the better the adolescents fare emotionally. "The more dinners a week the better." ( Journal of Adolescent Health; McGill University) CASCA—Columbia School of Health—annual report finds: "While substance abuse can strike any family, regardless of ethnicity, affluence, age, or gender, the parental engagement fostered at the dinner table can be a simple, effective tool to help prevent [it],". Rather than lecture and nag, Cook Dinner! And get them around the table! Family meals are part of a healthy family life and their benefits are huge and far reaching. Making dinner is work, but it is work that is worth it. The pay-off is much bigger than what you’ll get for all the time effort it takes to get people to any club or sport or lesson. Dr Anne Fishel says in her book (The Family Dinner) that at one point she was working with a family and, during the discussion the thought went through her mind, “you should really be at home having dinner together.” She says that the kinds of conversations she tries to elicit from families who come to her for counseling are just the kinds of conversations they can and should be having around the table. Dinnertime, among other things, is an opportunity to notice possible problems. For one thing, you have your eyes on them. It is a chance to observe, hear them, and get a feel for their emotional status. It is possible that changes in eating behavior, attitudes or moods, or changes in a person’s way of interacting with others are hints that something needs to be addressed. Then there are smaller, everyday problems for which dinner provides an opportunity to help someone out: The other night my 14 year old JV basketball player, who plays on the varsity team, was told she was a “joke” by a trash talking opponent. She had never been in a game where she was so physically and emotionally beat up. Normally self-possessed, she was reduced to tears. I had to go out that night and miss dinner with the family but I knew she was in good hands. My husband said her siblings rallied round, were suitably indignant, and vilified the opponent. They shared stories of their own bad times. My husband said there were even a couple of sound pieces of advice offered. If nothing else, she felt loved, and that goes a long way to helping people out of an emotional slump. If we could say that family dinners: • help kids say no to risky behaviors • get good grades • eat well • and offer a support system We would be saying a lot. But the family dinner is much more! I think it safe to say that when a family considers being together for meals important, it means that they value their identity as a family. It also means that the individual members of the family are valued and cared for. Both of these things are of primary importance for the development and success of individuals: Children must know that they are loved and that they belong; this is what gives them a sense of security, leaving them free to explore and to grow. Familiaris Consortio: “For it devolves on parents to create a family atmosphere so animated with love and reverence for God and others that a well-rounded personal and social development will be fostered among the children. Hence, the family is the first school of those social virtues which every society needs.” (99) The family has traditionally been considered the building block of society—all societies—throughout history (yes there are notable but passing exceptions)—because this is THE PLACE where training in adulthood and preparation for living in the larger world happens most of the time. It is in the nature of family to accomplish this task. St John Paul II says that the family is where we become human— • It is the first place we are loved. • It is the place where we experience forgiveness • where we learn to say, “I am sorry”, • and very importantly, where we learn to forgive others. The dinner table provides a regular opportunity to teach and to practice these things. Healthy family life inculcates virtues and lessons in many ways but mealtime is a regular chance to do so. When you are gathering your family around the table, you are gathering children of God: individuals possessed of an innate dignity because they are created in the image and likeness of God. Whether they are whiney, distant, bored, picky eaters or troublemakers--they are children of God, worthy of the blood of Christ. This is really why we think dinner is important. It is why we care to cook for them and set the table and ask them about their day. It is why we want to bake cakes for birthdays and celebrate special days. It is why we plan and shop, cook and clean, listen, comfort, and teach. St Josemaria said: “Understand this well: there is something holy, something divine, hidden in the most ordinary situations, and it is up to each one of you to discover it.” This is what you’re about when you’re making dinner. So it’s good that you’re here to recharge your batteries and take the time to think about things. Let’s face it: in the trenches it’s hard to remember this – or even to care some nights. Before I proceed let me say that –and this isn’t a scientific study but I think it true—that what is important is the day to day effort. Every dinner will not be a Barefoot Contessa meal at a Martha Stewart table enjoyed by grateful and eager conversationalists! You’re going for success over the long haul. The goal is a warm and loving environment in which the people in your family come together and know they are loved and feel at home. Your family coming together! Here is where life happens! And it may get messy! This is what St. John Paul II was talking about—the events of the day, different personalities, moods, abilities, problems. Bumping into one another and learning to deal: helping, annoying, fighting, spilling milk. This is how we learn, and how we grow into better people. And your regular dinner times—from preparation to clean up are an important place for this to happen. Look, what do we want for our children? If you asked me, in the first place I would say, “I want my children to get to heaven.” Alongside that, I know that the easiest way for them to get to heaven is by becoming the adults they were created to be. • well adjusted, • contributing members of society • who can think for and express themselves, • who will stand for what is right, • who will be compassionate • and serve others. They can learn those things at dinner! They will learn • to notice the needs of others, • to think, “How can I help”? • to contribute to the common good • to put others first. Sometimes the lessons are directly spoken but more often than not it is the experience itself--over time-- that is instructive. Communication is a big part of dinnertime—it involves a give and take—listening--not just talking. And this is an important skill. Being listened to is very important—we have touched briefly on how we can be alerted to problems through listening and observing, but listening also helps to foster that sense of security and love. Listening prepares children for the experience of prayer. If praying is talking to God, they must believe that He is listening. Having had the experience of being listened to and listening to others, they will find this an easier concept to grasp. In fact it will be a non-issue. Teaching table manners starts early and is on-going, though again, the instruction is less direct as the children are older. It is appropriate and necessary for mom or dad to correct. It is wrong for Mom or Dad to nag at the table. Good manners demonstrate two things: • I have respect for myself. • I have respect for others. At their core, they show an understanding of the dignity of the human person. Pope Francis says that the dignity of the human person means that we need to be educated in gratitude. When we are at table we are being given many things—so it’s a perfect opportunity to inculcate a sense of gratitude.