The 79 Periodical

Number 41 September 2020

Contents

2. Editorial Eyeballs – Keith Goodyear

3. The 79th Entry 2021 Reunion – Peter Shaw

3. 79th Memorial Seat at Halton Grove – Jerry Collier

4. A Little Challenge to keep you amused – John Savage

5. Coffee Break Quiz – Answers for July – Keith Goodyear

8. Coffee Break Quiz – Questions for September – Keith Goodyear

10. From Sea Scout to RAF Aircraft Apprentice – Geoff Twine

12. Aviation Museums & Places of Interest Pt 9 - The Peoples Mosquito

14. Letters from you

16. Banking Problems a thing of the past? – Keith Goodyear

19. Humour For You

20. Register or Cancel, Publication Dates, Submission Dates, Disclaimer

1 Eyeballs - September 2020

The Autumn is approaching fast although it is understood the weather in Blighty is doing its best to confuse the situation. That does not alter the fact this is the penultimate P79 this year.

Fingers crossed The latest news about our next Reunion, that is now inked in for the Spring, with full details below, courtesy of Peter Shaw. He is doing a grand job, with his third attempt at getting it arranged for us to enjoy our presence at the Barns Hotel. Of course we are still subject to the Covid-19 virus that may spread without warning. The decision of many to ignore the advice, with the consequences, does not help.

What Else? There is an appeal for support to refurbish our bench seat at the Halton Grove with Jerry acting as unelected Treasurer. The seat has now been in place for many years and has been maintained by Brian Birch, voluntarily, ever since. Our collective thanks is overdue.

We have not had a Challenge before therefore the idea thought up and submitted by John Savage is very welcome. Many of you have time on your hands so spending a little to come up with your ideas could help to relieve the boredom. There is bags of time as the closing date is New Year! Hopefully many ideas and designs will be received to appear in P43 with you deciding on the winners, they will be published in P44 during March next year.

A welcome addition is an article from ex-Sea Cadet Geoff Twine, via Jerry Collier, who saw the light and became one of Trenchard's Brats. It certainly makes an interesting read and highlights how much unwanted interference the HS&E have had on our way of life.

Well banks are one of your pet hates too, I would imagine? There are a couple of recent experiences, that I had the misfortune to suffer, included here for your information and disbelief.

There are only a couple of stories in the Humour section but they are worth a read. Humour a difficult part to put together with a diverse range to address. However, Peter Shaw provided them for us all to enjoy so my thanks to him and let me have your views. Keith Editor at large: Keith Goodyear Email: [email protected]

2 The 79 th Reunion 2020 now in 2021

Peter Shaw

The next Reunion has been postponed from December until May, a further unavoidable hitch in our carefully laid plans! Consequently, I've requested 20 rooms, from 30th April to 2nd May 2021 inclusive.

There is a Big Airshow at Shuttleworth on 2nd May therefore due to this, the members SHOULD book rooms ASAP for very obvious reasons. Unfortunately some leave it late therefore you could well lose out, and lets hope this Covid thing has eased up by then.

The time of year when we get together in future, may change from that we have previously chosen, who knows? What say you? Your feedback is needed on that so do not leave it to everyone else. Of course it will depend on the availability of the venue too. The Spring or Autumn is the question so drop me a line at the email address below or just call and have a chat too.

Furthermore what thoughts do you have, with ideas or preferences for the Reunion celebrations? You can make proposals for our mutual enjoyment and your suggestions are of at least equal importance, really! Please contact me, Peter Shaw, by email; [email protected] or call +44 (0) 7789 765 911.

79th Memorial Seat at Halton Grove

Jerry Collier

The RAFHAA Council are now putting in a big effort to tackle those jobs that were being left to wither on the vine, among which were the Halton Grove and the bench seats.

The 79th Bench Seat has been looked after each year since 2012, when our President, Doug Marchant, first raised funds from the entry membership to buy and install the original seat. We also agreed to contribute £25 each year from the Entry funds for the Seat’s repairs, but Brian Birch made that largely unnecessary.

However, now, the Halton Grove staff and the RAFHAA want to

3 make a big improvement to both seats at the Grove - for us - a fitting tribute to our President, sorely missed. The estimated cost for a major overhaul has been quoted at £250 plus VAT - a sum well within our reach to continue to stand for many more years to come.

Contributions for the refurbishment of the 79th Bench Seat will be greatly appreciated and be in a good cause. Please send donations to Jerry Collier, acting Association Treasurer, 10 Glebewood, Bracknell, Berkshire RG12 9SD, with thanks.

A Little Challenge to keep you Amused Face Mask Fun John Savage

In early June, I was talking to my nephew, who is a printer, about how he was coping during lock-down. He told me he had been working throughout the period printing items for the NHS. As this work was beginning to slow down he now wondered where his next work was coming from?

Previously he had done work on masks and was contacted by a local restaurant to print some masks for their customers when they re-opened. This gave me the idea to print off from a celluloid, that I have of our window at Halton. I stuck the badge from the print on to my mask, hence the result you see opposite.

Now, has anybody else got a decorated mask? How about showing us?

Many of you may not have a decorated mask so the idea of this challenge is for you to show your creative side. So come on guys and gals let your artistic thoughts come to the fore with one or more ideas on what would be a good design or three to decorate a mask of whatever the colour of your choosing.

There are no strict limits on what you can suggest and of course a humorous bent will be most welcome too, along with more serious

4 ideas. The only real limitation is the size of a normal face mask although both sides do not have to be the same. A mirror image or complimentary thoughts, maybe reversed colours and full width suggestions are also welcome.

Suppose we better have a closing date for this little challenge though! How about New Years Day as that will give you plenty of time to get your thoughts, ideas and designs together while possibly bouncing them off friends and neighbours for their views.

Please send your ideas to the Editor @ [email protected]

Coffee Break Quiz – Answers for July

1. Not sure where to start but never mind something different for a change, abbreviations and an acronym of common things! Get your teeth into these, some of them you should know off the top of your head, they are so easy! SAE; E&OE; BCC; VDU; IOT; NCR; VPN; JCC; EPOS; GBP; DPP; PTO. SAE, Self Addressed Envelope; E&OE, Errors & Omissions Excepted; BCC, Blind Carbon Copy; VDU, Visual Display Unit; IOT , Internet Of Things; NCR, No Carbon Required; VPN, Virtual Private Network; JCC, Jeremy Charles Collier; EPOS, Electronic Point Of Sale; GBP , Great British Pound; DPP , Director of Public Prosecutions; PTO , Please Turn Over

2. He was a talented author, short story writer, novelist, poet screenwriter, and WW II fighter pilot amongst others, what was his name and rank, his height and RAF nickname? Where was he born, how many children did he have and the nationality of his parents? Roald Dahl; Squadron Leader; 6' 6”; Lofty; Cardiff; five; Norwegian immigrants

3. Have you ever checked a teletype or manual keyboard for the operation of all the alpha characters? What is the shortest phrase that can be used to achieve it and how many characters are required? The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog; 43 or 35 excluding spaces. Did you have to check the answer?

4. A tricky engineering question for you now but there is a simple reason for it. Threads come in the majority where they are right- handed, why is that? There are also left handed threads what

5 are they needed for? Most people are right handed and it is the natural way for them to wind threads and things and conversely for the left handed. Left handed threads are used to retain things that rotate in the opposite direction or else the nut or bolt would unscrew and fall off, unless a locking device such as a split pin or lock nut! Turnbuckles of course have both left and right handed threads.

5. It may be that some of you are believing the hype about electric cars being the best thing since sliced bread. However, hype is exactly what it is if the facts as they are and not what 'should be' in a decade or so are to be taken as nearer to the truth of the situation now.

So a few questions for you, i) are roughly equivalent ev's more or less costly to buy, ii) the batteries of ev's are slated to last for how many years, iii) who pays for the expensive replacement batteries? iv) How many years does the private owner usually keep their car? v) If the ev drive or battery fails does the car coast or stop quickly? vi) Can you push an ev? vii) Will the trade in value be more or less than a normal car? i) More costly; ii) 8; iii) good question; iv) average about 6 years; v) stops quickly and without power steering; In some circumstances that could be dangerous. vi) apparently yes with no power steering! vii) Less, they have no track record

6. What is the speed of sound at sea level at a temperature of 70F, under normal atmospheric conditions and what has the greatest effect on the speed of sound? 770 mph; temperature

7. Batteries are a big talking point now for a massive range of uses, with all from big to small versions in the mix. Now the first British based battery gigafactory is going to be built in South Wales at a former RAF base. You should all have some knowledge of it, if only in name. Where is the site in question? Name the well known company in the luxury car sector that has a factory there too? St Athan; Aston Martin

8. So what is next with little in the way of current things to focus on? The British government arranged with the Australian government to carry out some nuclear weapons development tests there. In what years were the tests carried out? Name the three areas of Australia where testing was undertaken. From

6 1952 to 1963; Maralinga, South Australia; Montebello Islands, Western Australia; Emu Field, South Australia.

9. A tricky one for you now! It is thought by many, that probably, the first pop superstar in the western world wrote theatre plays for the masses in the 16th and 17th centuries and they are still popular today. Who would that have been, how many did he write and name his most famous play, by the number of stage productions? William Shakespeare; at least 37; A Midsummer Night's Dream

10. How about a little music, some classical stuff for your consideration. Name the composer that wrote the most compositions, how many is he credited with writing and his age when he died. At what age did he write his first pieces and for which instrument? Mozart; approximately 600; 35; 5 years old; piano

11. A thought sprang to mind about the years we were born, 1937 to 1939 because there should have been some major events during those years. So what do you know about that period? a) While making a circumnavigational flight in 1937 the aircraft disappeared and the mystery remains unsolved. Who was the pilot and whereabouts did it vanish? A British author published his first fantasy novel in September, that is still popular today. Who was the author and the title of the book? Amelia Earhart; over the Pacific Ocean; J.R.R. Tolkien; The Hobbit b) On to 1938 and a national leader went to Germany and agreed that Hitler could occupy Czechoslovakia. Who was it and on his return he declared what? Widespread panic was caused in Eastern America when the dramatisation of a radio programme was broadcast. What was the name of the radio programme and name the dramatist. British prime minister Neville Chamberlain; "Peace in our time"; War of The Worlds; Orson Wells c) In October 1939 the US President Roosevelt received a letter from Leo Szilard, a Hungarian physicist and Albert Einstein about the possibility to build what? From that letter via a committee a project was formed resulting in the successful outcome, what was the name of the project? When we all

7 became Brats they were probably of interest to us! What female organisation was reformed in 1939 and why? When were they renamed to what? A Nuclear bomb; The Manhattan Project; WAAF, Womens Auxiliary Air Force; imminence of WW II; 1949; WRAF

12. A short easy one to complete this assortment, to test your brains and skills. Very recently international cricket played its first Test Match in since the advent of Covid-19 virus. Name the teams and the venue where the first match was played. England; West Indies; Ageas Bowl, Southampton

Coffee Break Quiz - Questions for September

Keith Goodyear

A shortish introduction again because there are a multitude of questions for you. However, this month the answers to over half of them are related to or can be found in the articles in this P79! Therefore once you have read the articles you should do very well.

However, it is still a dodgy dozen as per usual so best of luck with recalling the answers. Now I will think up some questions for you!

1. So with no more ado off we go and to start with, how old is the oldest stock exchange, which century was it opened and where? The London Stock Exchange is commonly known as the? Where is it located in London and what is its moniker locally?

2. You are all familiar with face masks by now! When is the closing date for the challenge? John had been talking to who, what had he been doing during the Covid-19 period and had now been asked to produce?

3. Our bench seat is located where and how was it originally paid for? We agreed to donate how much for the maintenance and why was that fee largely redundant? Who are planning improvements to the what?

4. As you all know Mosquito RL249 has had quite some coverage here so you should know where it was last based? Which town is the Suffolk Heritage Museum located near and when was it

8 established? Wattisham Airfield Museum has a number of aircraft being restored, where are they housed?

5. Now it is time to get your feet wet and many things to answer! Sea Scouts are a somewhat different breed to Air Cadets but some may see the light and become a Brat! Maybe even moreso when Harbour is near a RAF Station, during WWII? What did Geoff do on the farm during his school years? Which aircraft type crashed into what and why? One of the young Scouts did something brave and how was he thanked? Geoff was involved in a boat race, who provided a boat what was it and the result? He once had a tough assignment what was that, name the things he had to do and the purpose of it? Was something unusual experienced on the journey, if so name it. He had reason to travel to Europe to an event, why was it unique, where was it held? Afterwards why did he lose interest in the Scouts?

6. Hope you are not feeling seasick after all those watery questions. Now it is time for a something more familiar. The 25th fighter squadron during its long history dating back how long were known officially as? They flew a plethora of aircraft, including how many Marks of Mosquito, what were they and where were they flown from until when? During the BoB they flew Blenheims and Beaufighters, as what type of unit?

7. There was no chance that one about banks would slip through the net so here goes. There is a risk that unauthorised charges may be made to your bank account on a Debit card, what are they and by whom? How can those charges be recovered if made on a Debit card?

8. Without fear of contradiction the vast majority of you have a computer one one kind or another or access to one because otherwise getting emails and P79 would be very difficult! However, you are old enough to be familiar with the typewriter and carbon copies but BCC may be a mystery! It stands for?

9. You should be able to recall the important event that was scheduled for, what dates this year, the provisional dates that were then arranged and when the event is now slated for? It is of course our Reunion, name the town and what major event will be running that weekend?

9 10. Now what, good question! So a change of tack with a look at money. Which stock exchange is considered the oldest in the world? What was the original name of the London Stock Exchange, when was it founded and the name was changed in?

11. Without doubt everyone has watched TV at some time in their life but things have moved on. There are two main options LED and OLED so what is the main difference between them, which is better and the benefits?

12. And finally to complete this complement of questions there is as usual an easy one for you to answer. Do you remember what Slim Turner was at Halton and what he was well remembered for?

From Sea Scout to RAF Aircraft Apprentice

Geoff Twine (62nd Entry )

I was 10 years old when I was inducted into the 1st Southbourne Sea Scouts. It was 1942, mid-way through the Second World War, and the Scouts were engaged in various activities to help the war effort. I recall being involved in paper collections and metal collections, which were mainly redundant pots and pans. Some scouts went to work on farms, but because I lived on a farm I was able to work at home, which I did after school and during the school holidays. My job included tractor driving, harvesting grass cuttings and ploughing, all under my dad's supervision of course.

Attempted Rescue My scout headquarters were adjacent to Chichester Harbour and close to RAF Thorney Island, which has some vivid memories for me. I recall one winter's evening in 1944 when a RAF Wellington aircraft taking off towards the north from RAF Thorney Island, collided with a Mosquito aircraft flying east to west.

The Wellington was cut in two, and the tail portion of the aircraft, which contained the rear gunner in his turret, fell into Prinsted Harbour, which was at low tide at the time. We heard the crash in the scout hall, and two scouts rushed down to the shore and waded out into the mud to find the gunner. Unfortunately, he was already

10 dead, but the scouts, who were only 14 and 15 at the time, showed great presence of mind in attempting to rescue him. A plaque was erected in recognition of their bravery.

Successful Rescue Another incident I remember involved an RAF Beverley aircraft that crashed in the sea short of the runway at RAF Thorney Island. A young scout heard the crash and rushed down to the harbour. The sea was at high tide this time so he got onto his father's boat and cruised out to the crash site. Although some of the crew had died, he managed to save a number of the others in a heroic rescue. He was later thanked and praised by the airman at RAF Thorney Island during a parade held especially for him.

Pleasant Memories We had many pleasant experiences around that time, despite the wartime restrictions. Because our scout troop was affiliated to the Admiralty at , we were allowed to have a selection of boats on the water, whereas the civilian population was restricted in using their boats during the war as the Germans could have used them during an invasion. Many weekends we would sail or row from Prinsted Harbour to Wittering. We were also given a whaler boat by the Admiralty, and four of us raced against other whalers in Portsmouth harbour. We won the race and were presented with a small engraved silver oar.

It was hard back then! One experience which was not so pleasant was a journey I had to undertake in order to qualify as a first-class scout. My instructions for the journey were to paddle a canoe from Itchenor to Birdham Lock and then hike from there to Wittering and camp overnight at a farm. I had to make a fire, cook a meal and then hike back to Itchenor the next day. While keeping a log of my journey and illustrate it with drawings of interesting buildings that were spotted on the way. Carrying a rucksack, as well as cooking utensils and a small tent, perched on top of my canoe, that I had built myself, was a big load. My scout master had agreed that I could use it.

I was dressed in my full scout uniform with no life jacket and worried that it might capsize. I could swim, but I was not a strong swimmer and do not know how I would have coped in the water in

11 full uniform. To add to my worries, half way into the journey a school of porpoises formed alongside my canoe. In a local paper I read sometime later that porpoises had never been seen so far upstream in Chichester harbour. Well, I certainly witnessed them at close quarters, and was worried they would cause me to capsize. This was done all on my own at the age of 14. Somehow I do not think this would happen today!

Later As my career in the scouts continued I progressed through the ranks, moving from patrol leader to troop leader, and then, at the age of 15, becoming a senior scout. It was at this time that the first post war jamboree took place in France, attending this with seven other scouts, four of whom were from the 1st Southbourne Sea Scouts.

We travelled from Newhaven to Dieppe and then by train to Sens on the River Seine. I remember the journey so well because the war had only been over for two years and the devastation we witnessed was horrendous. I still have my identity badge issued for the jamboree plus many other badges which we swapped with scouts from other countries.

After the jamboree my enthusiasm for scouting diminished, but I think this was because I had discovered girls!

Aviation Museums & Places of Interest?

Part 9

Keith Goodyear

Now we move on the the ninth episode of this series. Including of course mention of those aircraft that we are all familiar with from earlier days., Additionally places and people that should prove of interest to those that have not lost the desire to recall their distant past.

With places the author has not even heard of, including museums, organisations and people with a strong interest in this subject so hopefully there will be something of interest for everyone, including the 'Mosquito Page' and RAF Coltishall where RL249 was finally

12 based. To access the websites below click on the logo or name.

NOTE: The new link to TPM is; http://www.peoplesmosquito.org.uk/

Started in 1996, The Mosquito Page contains, amongst other things, a list of all of the surviving Mosquitoes, a production list, a list of Mosquito books and magazine/journal articles as well as a forum dedicated to the Mosquito so fill your boots!

The Suffolk Aviation Heritage Group exists to promote a wider understanding within the general public of Suffolk’s vast aviation related history and to encourage, where practicable, continued preservation of its associated heritage. The Suffolk Aviation Heritage Museum was established in 2008 on the site of a former military communications centre near Ipswich. Together with informative displays and special exhibitions, visitors are able to explore previously unrecorded aspects of aviation history.

Sywell Aviation Museum (SAM) is a voluntary, non-profit-making organisation which aims to preserve the history of Sywell Aerodrome and Northamptonshire’s rich aviation heritage from the early days of aviation to the Second World War and beyond. SAM began life in 1998 and the Museum building was opened in 2001 by the legendary aviator Alex Henshaw MBE. The Museum originally consisted of three Nissen huts, dismantled at the now-closed RAF Bentwaters and erected on site at Sywell. The buildings themselves are artefacts having been used as bomb fusing sheds at Bentwaters by the USAAF during WWII.

TIGHAR (pronounced “tiger”) is the acronym for The International Group for Historic Aircraft Recovery, a non-profit foundation dedicated to promoting responsible aviation archaeology and historic preservation. TIGHAR maintains no collection of its own, nor does it engage in the restoration or buying and selling of artefacts. The foundation devotes its resources to the saving of endangered historic aircraft wherever they may be found and to the education of the international public in the need to preserve the relics of the history of flight.

13 Although you must apply in advance to tour Wattisham Airfield Museum, (see website), it is a truly fascinating place. Wattisham Station Heritage, which has operated the Museum since 1991 has gathered artefacts, uniforms and memorabilia telling the story of RAF Wattisham from 1939 to the present day. These are housed in the original Station Chapel, built by the USAAF in 1943. A separate collection of aircraft (under restoration) is housed in a HAS – Hardened Aircraft Shelter, which is itself a significant historic relic. If you are an aviation enthusiast, it is well worth booking a tour.

Squadrons One of the most distinguished squadrons, with a history stretching over 92 years (including its time as an RFC unit), XXV (Fighter) Squadron flew FE2 and DH4 aircraft during World War One, and was a dedicated night-fighter unit during the with Blenheims and Beaufighters. Starting its association with the Mosquito in 1942, it flew NF.II, FB.VI, NF.XVII, NF.30 and the NF.36. The Mosquito NF.36 was flown postwar, from September 1946 to August 1951, from RAF West Malling. When disbandment came in 2008, 25 Sqdn was flying the Tornado F3.

Entries for this series of articles have been sourced from the People's Mosquito and their list of Affiliates.

Letters from you

4th September Hi Keith,

It’s about time for Number 41. I’m still without a printer - Pat glowers every time I raise the subject of a cheap inkjet, but I can’t go on without one. Lexmark UK are still doing one test at a time, interspersed by several days of waiting for spares - so far we have got through two imaging units and two yellow Toner Cartridges - and the cartridges cost about £120 a time! (Sounds as though Lexmark are into selling as many spares as humanly possible, at an inflated price. Editor Keith)

14 We wait several days to a week for a replacement. Then we carry out a test as specified by the Lexmark engineer. That usually fails, so Lexmark then order a replacement component and we await delivery.

David and I have had enough, and I can’t manage without a printer. And to think it cost a small fortune! It’s none too easy to return, however - it weighs 66 lbs. (That's 15lbs more than my Brother multi-function colour LED system. Editor Keith) But we’ve been messing about for 5 weeks now. High time for a return to sender.

I can probably send you a 2-3 page article from Geoff Twine about his time as a Sea Scout, what with crashing Wellingtons and solo forays up rivers in a home made canoe. I may have to get a bit inventive with the picture, as no printer, no copy.

We are still under Covid lock-down, and can’t invite anyone in. Pat goes to visit her local friends about once a week, and we have a weekly delivery of Joe Sainsbury’s finest groceries. The Dentist won’t come near us; nor will practically anyone else.

Sgt Hiscock (2 Wing, first year) would have a field day with my hair and pro rata Jankers.

Share the misery. All the best, Jerry

7th September Hi Keith,

The RAFHAA south coast (Tangmere) branch had its annual BBQ today, Sunday 6th September. Only three seventy niners attended Pat Collins and his wife Janice, Alec McGregor and myself. Only 25 ex brats and partners came which was quite good in the present climate we find ourselves.

The man in the fancy outfit (not shown) is Alec’s son Andy who is at the moment mayor of Worthing and Lancing. Andy and his wife organise and do the cooking with help from other members of the family.

Mike Evans gave an update on the latest information about the HAA. Basically it is now waiting to see if the new council is voted in at the AGM on the 19th September. If approved the future of the association looks promising. A lot of the associations money has been recovered from the RAFHAT project. A full report to the membership will be given after the AGM.

15 The Tangmere branch is hoping to get back to our bi monthly meetings possibly October. But as we all know and are getting horribly used to this can all change overnight.

Best Wishes to you both and hope you are both OK. Take care keep smiling. Bob (Jacobs).

Do you Love Banks?

Keith Goodyear

Do I hear a resounding chorus of NO? That is no big surprise and personally I have suffered from banking problems over the years. More recently the recipient of a significant amount of hassle over the past few months. Two banks were involved at the same time no less, with one being particularly obstructive and unhelpful!

First Problem Let me deal with the easy one first because that only lasted a relatively short time once the latest regulations had been clarified. So it was not the fault of Nationwide that they had to cancel my Debit Card before a new one could be issued and as you probably know ever more regulations are being added with indecent haste.

The problem arose for two reasons with the first culprit being Amazon no less. Not a frequent peruser of that account I was surprised to find they had debited my account for three monthly Prime payments of £7.99 despite the fact no purchases had been made from them for over a year! Coupled to that the first debit was purported to be a purchase of a phantom product linked to a credit for a sum that reduced the amount to, yes you guessed, £7.99!

Having contacted Nationwide they told me that the quickest way to get a refund from Amazon was by calling 0800 279 7234. That proved to be absolutely spot on and refunds were made without argument once my account had been checked. However, when I asked the Customer Service guy if this was a regular occurrence there was a deathly silence! Nuff said.

The other problem happened as the result of using the FREE Basic

16 search option of the My Heritage ancestry company, that had been used to try and locate the relatives of a critically ill expatriate. He had not been in contact with his brother or sister for many years and had no record of their locations, while having recently become totally blind he was unable to use his computer. Nothing could be unearthed so end of story I assumed. Therefore much to my surprise there was a debit for £82.60 on my account in their favour!

In this case the bank credited my account and will recover that payment from the company. However, before a bank can proceed your existing card has to be cancelled then a new one despatched to you in a day or two. So all's well that ends well.

Another Bank This story started on 31st May and was finally concluded this month, during which time I was locked out of my account! Difficult to believe it was for over three months and it is the account all my income is credited to. No you did not read that wrong – >3 months!

For a very long time I had not received OTP's from Santander to the designated phone number. Solution, change the number, easy peasy! Well that bit was reasonably straightforward but on completion I was automatically asked to Login again. Maybe because the time taken exceeded that before an automatic Logout occurred. No problem, except that now my login details created an error message stating they were incorrect, please check and try again? Assuming a 'typo' in the security code, after re-entering them, same problem and on the assumption a birthday had not changed and my personal ID was visible a keyboard glitch became the potential culprit. Third time lucky using one finger input, no, and now my account was blocked!

So unbeknown to me, a long drawn out saga begins. The options offered on their website were unhelpful including that to reconnect you quickly if locked out of your account, having lost or forgotten the 16 digit personal ID or 5 digit security code. Phone calls had to be made all of which were long, around an hour every time although the automatic answering was quick none of the options on offer were useful. Eventually, being directed to someone that may assist resulted in a long wait before 'someone' answered the call. Having answered various security questions the discussion resulted in waiting for a solution to be elicited from a colleague only to be redirected to somebody else to repeat the process.

17 It is worth noting that Santander do not contact the customer by phone or email if at all possible and do not accept secure emails either. The onus is left with the customer to call them and pay for the privilege. It was established early on that they did not have my address in Thailand only a UK address. That address was asked for in 2015 as they claimed posting a Debit Card to Thailand was not possible! Despite being told it was a one time use, when the card expired in 2019 no replacement was sent to the UK address either.

Prior to this, after a call on the 11th June, when my Thai address was provided, a letter was posted on 16th with two forms enclosed for UK residents to notify a change of address to overseas, one for under 18's! A subsequent call got the response, nothing done as I had not returned the forms, no reminder of course. No surprise, they had not been delivered but eventually arrived on 18th July! A call to tell them again I was not a UK resident, caused confusion and still it was claimed they did not have my Thai address? Hmm! Eventually asking how it was possible to post a letter to me in Thailand, without it, caused a rethink!

Having spoken to numerous people in unknown departments one of my calls was directed to the fraud department. There a quite helpful guy, after a long consultation, said for me to send an email to him but with no name, to [email protected] with a copy of my passport and a recent letter addressed to me here and he would look out for it! Patience is a virtue apparently but no response was forthcoming therefore a follow up email was sent with the same result, what else?

More phone calls, only to be told they do not deal with emails which begs the question why have one, and specifically tell me to send an email to them? By now it was August with frustration creeping in at their refusal to provide a solution and despite telling them, ignoring customers was their forte, it made no difference.

After more calls eventually I spoke with someone that informed me my account did not have a block on it now and to try again. Eventually, none of them have names, I was transferred to someone who agreed to send me a new debit card and send me an email on when it was posted once that was demanded of him. However, trying to log in after the block had been removed and again after receiving the new card made no difference whatsoever. What they had failed to tell me was, two letters would be posted with the new details of how to log in, from the Director of Contact Centres.

18 In the meantime a letter from the Head of Complaints and a couple of calls to ask when I would submit my complaints, showed how well informed the departments are. Not to mention the sudden urgency being shown! My response was to tell her that once I had received everything and access to my account was restored then it would be looked at in detail and only then would she get my report.

Finally, come September, I'm up and running with access everything but there is a moral to this story that you are most likely aware of by now! Beware of those you have financial dealings with, no matter how reputable they may be! For example the letting agency that rent out my house in Blighty know that the contract is on a bi- annual basis. Consequently, it is not due for renewal until next year, however, the renewal fee was accidentally deducted from the rent this month and then refunded after an email to highlight the error!

H u m o u r f o r y ou

Two Pilots : Fast v Clever An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 500mph at 30,000 feet, when suddenly an Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?" The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight and at the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?" The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5-star hotel - which is paid for by my employer. "

19 The moral of the story is:- When you are young, speed and adrenaline seem to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either. This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

I have this. Beware! This is a very important warning to computer users aged 55+ years of age The Third Strain of the NILE Virus is coming. (TYPE "C") I thought you would want to know about this virus. Even the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee and others cannot take care of this one. It appears to target those who were born prior to 1960 – and others! Virus Symptoms 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that) 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too) 3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup) 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha) 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that) 6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. (Oh no, not again) 7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that) 8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?) It's called the C-NILE virus and is followed by D-NILE! A lot of us have already been inflicted with this deadly disease and unfortunately, as we age it gets worse.

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