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The Slant Entire State of Colorado Charged with Rape 10 ue ss Cancel Anytine! , I Wednesday, February 25, 2004 IV l. o V The Slant Entire State Of Colorado Charged With Rape w w w . th e sl an t.n et Providing Dress Barn Rip-offs - Since 1886 INSIDETHISISSUE Sorority Still Angry About Fat Joke Fed-Ex Delivery Man Makes Wife Sign For His “Package” Amy Elhoff Gives Valentine, Glue Stick To Asshole Hustler Has Nice Rack CONTRACEPTION The Slant Reviews Birth 6Control Methods CRYOGENICS DEPT. Disney Buys Muppets, 7Henson SPRING BREAK Helpful Tips To Make 10 The Most Of Your Trip Other News 2 Fucked Image 4 Bastard Confession 10 Around The Loop 11 Horoscopes 11 Advice Column 12 Top Ten List 12 2 OTHERNEWS The Slant - www.theslant.net - February 25, 2004 Kucinich Tapped Mysterious Glowing Orb Seen in Sky Sex And The City for Next Blue's Over Vanderbilt Spawns Spinoff Clue's Host Students were left in HBO announced Nickelodeon Television shocked disbelief Monday that in a joint announced Tuesday Sunday, February 15th, move with the Lifetime that perennial when a large, glowing 108 channel, they plan to Democratic underdog orb was seen for several Days produce a spinoff to and all-around short guy, Dennis Kucinich, minutes over Vanderbilt remaining their smash hit series, has been offered the role of the host on pop- campus. "I've never seen anything like it", until June Sex And The City. The 13, 2004. ular children's show Blue's Clues. "Dennis said sophmore Stephanie Wilson. "The sky On that creators plan to debut has all of the qualities important to our was grey, just as usual, when all of a sudden glorious Sex And The Suburbs, a show of the same show," said Blue's Clues producer Sheila this brilliant yellow light lit everything up." day, twins general premise, but set in Naperville, IL. Clarkson. "He's inquisitive, cute, and slow to The sighting was confirmed by scores of Mary-Kate “Instead of Samantha crowing about her lat- and Ashley pick up on clues, much like our lovable Blue. witnesses, including reputable professors Olsen will, est sexual conquest, or Carrie salivating over I mean, why the hell hasn't he quit the and doctors at the medical school. "I'm at a at long last, a pair of Manolos, the women will discuss Democratic race yet?" Clarkson also noted loss to explain it". Said a mystified Luis turn 18. the realities of erectile disfunction and that Kucinich was "from Ohio, which is Sanchez, a cardiologist. "Suddenly, the sky removing nasty grape juice stains from chil- delightfully benign." seemed to open. I looked up to see a blind- dren’s clothing," said producer Christine ing light. At first I was afraid, but then I was Mary-Kate Kelley. "We think it's about time that women Boots On Sale Are Like, So Cute overcome by a feeling of warmth." School and stop living the fantasy, and just plunk down According to sophomore officials urge students not to panic. Ashley Olsen on the couch and watch the reality." The Amy Riddell, a pair of series premiere will reportedly center boots on sale at Hecht's, Biodegradable Products Degrade around a blowout sale at Payless. "are like, so cute." Riddell, Monday a group of local environmental who normally does not activists gathered outside of Carbondale February 29th Named National Asian shop at Hecht's, has enlist- High School in Carbondale, IL to witness History Day ed the help of friends to items placed in their compost heap begin- In a move receiving little coverage, President decide whether or not to ning to degrade. "This is beautiful," said Bush announced that February 29th will be purchase the said boots. "I Ecology teacher Jim Fielding. "Seeing these henceforth known as "Asian History Day." agree," said Riddell's friend Casey Beck. rotting cardboard tampon applicators and The president commented at a press confer- "They are like, totally cute." When reached paper bags just ence Monday, "Asian culture is ripe with for comment, representatives at Hecht's touches me tradition, history, dragons, egg rolls, and confirmed that the boots are in fact on sale, inside." In order to math problems. That's why I think it's a and can also be considered "quite cute." add to the excitement tragisty that our nation and our nation's of the event, students school-children never celebrated the rich Parents Secretly were asked to bring culture and history of the hard-working Feed Vegan Son items to school to put Chinaman." School cafeterias throughout Gelatin in the compost pile in the nation will feature traditional Asian fare, Bob and Beckie Stone, order to later watch them decay. "I bought a like lemon chicken, sweet and sour pork, parents of Vanderbilt ream of paper," said junior Katie Wendell. "I and fortune cookies. Added top aide Karl junior and vegan Sam just chucked it on there, and it's amazing Rove, "One day every four years ought to be Stone, recently how it's becoming one with the other stuff sufficient to cover nearly 150 years of dry- revealed that they have in there. Nature is exciting." cleaning and railroad-building." been secretly feeding their son gelatin. "This whole vegan thing is just such hooey," said PONTIFF PONTIFICATES Mrs. Stone. "I figure, if I slip a little gelatin into the 'vegan' cookies I send him, or stir a little into his V8 juice when he's home, he Pope Decries American Idol For really won't be standing by his convictions Violating Second Commandment as much as he thought." Added Mrs. Stone, "convictions scare us." Mr. Stone also had The Vatican announced Tuesday that His Holiness, Pope John Paul II, has thoughts to share on the deception of his declared American Idol sinful, as it violates the second commandment. The son. "No real man doesn't eat meat. He'll eat pontiff accuses American Idol of propogating the worship of graven images, or animals whether he wants to or not. Plus, "idols." Fox has released their own statement, countering that "the only thing his nails will be stronger." Upon hearing of that could be sinful is not loving Ruben "The Velvet Teddybear" Studdard,” and his parents' doing, Matt repeatedly vomited, “Jesus Christ was the Jerusalem Idol of his time." In reaction to the pope, judge then yelled, "Goddamnit! Don't they under- Randy Jackson said, "Dawg," and Paula Abdul said "You have to admire the stand we're Jewish?! That's not kosher!" pope's courage." Simon Cowell remained in his new Hollywood mansion, pol- ishing a life-sized gold statue of himself, preparing it for public worship. Pope John Paul II (1907-2004) MINIONS 02.25.2004 3 Mel Gibson Hates Jewish People... Since 1886 CONTENTS 188 Madison Sarratt Student Center 2301 Vanderbilt Place NEWS VU# 351669 Station B Nashville, TN 37235 OTHER NEWS: Pope . .2 Phone (615)322-3291 Fax (615)-343-2756 CLARIFICATIONS: Glue & Sex . .3 website www.theslant.net STAFF COLORADO: Entire State of Sex Offenders . .5 Editor-in-Chief Meredith Gray CONTRACEPTION: A Slant Review . .6 Managing Editor David Barzelay Head Writer Andrew Banecker ENTERTAINMENT: Henson’s Body Sold . .7 Technical Consultant Brad Ploeger Editors COLUMNS & HUMOR Tim Boyd Colin Dinsmore Robert Saunders MAIL: Pick Up Your Freaking Mail! . .9 Copy Editors Audrey Peters Melanie Siemens Cartoonist Jason Carpentier PLUMBING: What To Do If Your Place Gets Stinky . .9 Distribution Managers Andrew Collazzi Brett DiCio SPRING BREAK: Special Tips . .10 Contributing Writers Evan Alston Diabetus Peter Grant AROUND THE LOOP: RIAA Subpoenas . .11 Parker Gray Richard Green Rob Hilton Howard Lee Keith Leeman Stephanie Schacht HOROSCOPES: Dumber Than Ever . .11 Liz Vennum Jacob Grier Alumni Contributors Ben Stark Jeff Woodhead SLANT FEATURES Editors Emeritus CARTOON: Abstinence And Religion . .4 Joe Wong Mike Mott POLICIES BASTARD CONFESSION: Nader Strikes Back . .10 Back Issues ADVICE: Ask Andrew’s Pet Bird, Tweety . .12 Back Issues can be ordered by sending $5.00 and a Guess what’s in the jug... and win what’s in description of the issue desired (volume number and date, if possible) to the address above. Some issues are the jug! TOP TEN: Signs The World Is Ending . .12 no longer available. For a back issue please email [email protected]. Subscriptions Mail subscriptions are available for $30.00 a year or $20.00 per semester. Email [email protected]. Postmaster please send address changes to 2301 Vanderbilt Place, VU# 351669, Nashville, TN 37235- Corrections: 1669. DISCLAIMER In the February 11th issue, Andrew Banecker This entire publication is a work of humor, parody and threatened legal action if Hustler naked sex colum- satire. You must be over 18 years old to read this pub- nist, Amy Elhoff, did not replace his glue stick. lication. This publication and the content thereof does Elhoff has since replaced Banecker’s glue stick with not always reflect the opinions of Vanderbilt Student Communications, Inc. One copy of this publication is a brand new glue stick, still in the original packag- available free to members of the Vanderbilt communi- ing. Hence, legal action has been halted. ty; additional copies are available for five dollars each. If The Slant offends you, please do not read it. Support In addition, we have recently discovered that our advertisers, if we have any. sex of any color is in fact permitted in Georgia. Red and yellow, black and white, and so on and so forth. Copyright © 2004, The Slant. All rights reserved Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
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