Teen Dating Violence Awareness Toolkit

January 8, 2015

Calling all San Diego County Schools, Youth Organizations, and Educators!

February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month (TDVAPM) and the San Diego Domestic Violence Council (SDDVC) would like to invite your school to use this opportunity to educate your students about healthy relationships. To get you started we’ve provided this toolkit with facts, tips, and the Top 15 in ’15, a collection of activities teachers can use in the classroom to start the discussion, increase student awareness, and develop their skills to have healthy and respectful relationships.

The development of healthy relationship skills and increased awareness of teen dating violence is vital for our young people; the 2011 California Healthy Kids Survey revealed the following:

Approximately 7% of San Diego County 9th and 11th graders report experiencing physical violence from a dating partner and approximately 10% report being forced into unwanted sexual intercourse.

Violence is preventable! The Teen Relationship Violence Prevention Committee of the SDDVC is made up of professionals from nonprofit organizations, schools, school districts, private industry, criminal justice system, and county health and human services, who work year round to prevent violence and promote healthy relationships.

You can join us by recognizing TDVAPM this February at your school! Get involved by hosting an event on campus - members of our committee are experts in teen relationship violence prevention and may be able to come to your event to speak and/or provide tabling activities and information. Or simply use the attached toolkit and Top 15 in ’15 to provide interactive and simple to use activities that will help your students identify and understand the dynamics of relationship violence, and strategies to prevent violence in their relationships, schools, and communities.

If you have any questions or would like more information please contact Jenny Harper, Marcella Maggio, or Jessie Towne-Cardenas at 858-272-5777.

Please share your school’s participation with us by responding to us at https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/38WSLD6

Thank you!

Jessie Towne-Cardenas Cherise Young Center for Community Solutions Olayinka! TRVP Co-Chair TRVP Co-Chair

San Diego Domestic Violence Council 430 F St, Chula Vista, CA 91910

www.breakthecycle.org www.loveisrespect.org

FACTS ABOUT DATING ABUSE

Dating abuse is a big problem, affecting youth in every community across the nation. Learn the facts below.

Too Common  Nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experience physical abuse from a dating 1 partner in a single year.  One in three girls in the US is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence. 2

 One in ten high school students has been purposefully hit, slapped or physically hurt by a 3 boyfriend or girlfriend.  One quarter of high school girls have been victims of physical or sexual abuse or date rape.4

Why Focus on Teens?

 Girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate 5 partner violence, almost triple the national average.  Among female victims of intimate partner violence, 94% of those age 16-19 and 70% of those age 20-24 were victimized by a current or former boyfriend or girlfriend. 6

7  Violent behavior often begins between the ages of 12 and 18.  The severity of intimate partner violence is often greater in cases where the pattern of abuse was established in adolescence.8 9  About 72% of eighth and ninth graders are 'dating.'

Don’t Forget About College Students  Nearly half (43%) of dating college women report experiencing violent and abusive dating behaviors.10

 College students are not equipped to deal with dating abuse – 57% say it is difficult to identify and 58% say they don’t know how to help someone who’s experiencing it.11  One in three (36%) dating college students has given a dating partner their computer, email or

social network passwords and these students are more likely to experience digital dating

12 abuse.  One in six (16%) college women has been sexually abused in a dating relationship.13

For more information visit www.teendvmonth.org

Long-Lasting Effects  Violent relationships in adolescence can have serious ramifications by putting the victims at higher risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and further domestic

violence.14

 Being physically or sexually abused makes teen girls six times more likely to become pregnant and twice as likely to get a STD.15  Half of youth who have been victims of both dating violence and rape attempt suicide, compared

16 to 12.5% of non-abused girls and 5.4% of non-abused boys.

Lack of Awareness  Only 33% of teens who were in an abusive relationship ever told anyone about the abuse.20  Eighty one percent of parents believe teen dating violence is not an issue or admit they don’t know if it’s an issue.21

 Though 82% of parents feel confident that they could recognize the signs if their child was experiencing dating abuse, a majority of parents (58%) could not correctly identify all the warning signs of abuse.22

------1 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “Physical Dating Violence Among High School Students—United States, 2003,” Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, May 19, 2006, Vol. 55, No. 19. 2 Davis, Antoinette, MPH. 2008. Interpersonal and Physical Dating Violence among Teens. The National Council on Crime and Delinquency Focus. Available at http://www.nccd-crc.org/nccd/pubs/2008_focus_teen_dating_violence.pdf. 3 Grunbaum JA, Kann L, Kinchen S, et al. 2004. Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance—United States, 2003. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. 53(SS02); 1-96. Available at http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss5302a1.htm. 4 Schoen, C. et al., The Commonwealth Fund Survey for the Health of Adolescent Girls, November 1997. 5 Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice and Statistics, Intimate Partner Violence in the United States, 1993-2004. Dec. 2006. 6 Callie Marie Rennison, Ph.D., Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, “Intimate Partner Violence and Age of Victim, 1993-99” (2001). Available at: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/ipva99.pdf 7 Rosado, Lourdes, The Pathways to Youth Violence; How Child Maltreatment and Other Risk Factors Lead Children to Chronically Aggressive Behavior. 2000. American Bar Association Juvenile Justice Center. 8 S.L. Feld & M.A. Strauss, Criminology, 27, 141-161, (1989). 9 Foshee VA, Linder GF, Bauman KE, et al. The Safe Dates Project: theoretical basis, evaluation design, and selected baseline findings. American Journal of Preventive Medicine 1996; 12(2):39-47. 10 Fifth & Pacific Companies, Inc. (Formerly: Liz Claiborne, Inc.), Conducted by Knowledge Networks, (December 2010). “College Dating Violence and Abuse Poll,” Available at: https://www.breakthecycle.org/surveys. 11 Ibid. 12 Ibid. 13 Ibid. 14 Jay G. Silverman, PhD; Anita Raj, PhD; Lorelei A. Mucci, MPH; Jeanne E. Hathaway, MD, MPH, “Dating Violence Against Adolescent Girls and Associated Substance Use, Unhealthy Weight Control, Sexual Risk Behavior, Pregnancy, and Suicidality” JAMA. 2001;286(5):572-579. doi:10.1001/jama.286.5.572 15 Decker M, Silverman J, Raj A. 2005. Dating Violence and Sexually Transmitted Disease/HIV Testing and Diagnosis Among Adolescent Females. Pediatrics. 116: 272-276. 16 D. M. Ackard, Minneapolis, MN, and D. Neumark-Sztainer, Division of Epidemiology, School of Public Health, University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, MN, Date Violence and Date Rape Among Adolescents: Associations with Disordered Eating Behaviors and Psychological Health, Child Abuse & Neglect, 26 455-473, (2002). 17 Break the Cycle 2009 State-by-State Teen Dating Violence Report Cards. Available at www.breakthecycle.org/resources-state-law-report-cards-2009.html. 18 Ibid. 19 I. Sagatun-Edwards, E. Hyman, et al. The Santa Clara County Juvenile Domestic and Family Violence Court, Journal of the Center for Families, Children & the Courts. 2003. 20 Liz Claiborne Inc., conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, (February 2005). 21 “Women’s Health,” June/July 2004, Family Violence Prevention Fund and Advocates for Youth,http://www.med.umich.edu/whp/newsletters/summer04/p03- dating.html. 22 Fifth & Pacific Companies, Inc. (Liz Claiborne, Inc.), Conducted by Teen Research Unlimited, (May 2009). “Troubled Economy Linked to High Levels of Teen Dating Violence & Abuse Survey 2009,” Available at: https://www.breakthecycle.org/surveys.

For more information visi t www.teendvmonth.org

Top 15 in ’15

Table of Contents

 Activity 1: Healthy Relationship Quiz  Activity 2: Relationship Bill of Rights  Activity 3: The Five Languages of Love Quiz  Activity 4: Jealousy Scale o Activity 4.1-4.2: Triggers and Healthy Coping Strategies (optional activities to accompany Activity 4)  Activity 5: Healthy Communication – How Does It Sound?  Activity 6: How to Make an “I” Statement  Activity 7: Act Like a Lady / Act Like a Man  Activity 8: Media Men and Women on the Wall  Activity 9: Healthy Relationships in Music  Activity 10: Text Talk  Activity 11: “If Only”  Activity 12: The Ally Pledge  Activity 13: What I Deserve in a Relationship Venn Diagram  Activity 14: Healthy Relationship Pledge  Activity 15: Love Is…

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | (888 ) 385-4657 Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: (858) 272 -5777 East County: (619) 697 -7477 North County: (760) 747 -6282

Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS Activity 1

Healthy Relationship Quiz

Everyone deserves to be in a safe and healthy relationship. Do you know if your relationship is healthy? Answer yes or no to the following questions to find out. Make sure to check the boxes to record your responses. At the end, you’ll find out how to score your answers.

The Person I’m With

1. Is very supportive of things that I do. Yes No 2. Encourages me to try new things. Yes No 3. Likes to listen when I have something on my mind. Yes No 4. Understands that I have my own life too. Yes No 5. Is not liked very well by my friends. Yes No 6. Says I’m too involved in different activities. Yes No 7. Texts me or calls me all the time. Yes No 8. Thinks I spend too much time trying to look nice. Yes No 9. Gets extremely jealous or possessive. Yes No 10. Accuses me of flirting or cheating. Yes No 11. Constantly checks up on me or makes me check in. Yes No 12. Controls what I wear or how I look. Yes No 13. Tries to control what I do and who I see. Yes No 14. Tries to keep me from seeing or talking to my family and friends. Yes No 15. Has big mood swings, getting angry and yelling at me one minute but Yes No being sweet and apologetic the next. 16. Makes me feel nervous or like I’m “walking on eggshells.” Yes No 17. Puts me down, calls me names or criticizes me. Yes No 18. Makes me feel like I can’t do anything right or blames me for problems. Yes No 19. Makes me feel like no one else would want me. Yes No 20. Threatens to hurt me, my friends or family. Yes No 21. Threatens to hurt him or herself because of me. Yes No 22. Threatens to destroy my things. Yes No

For more information, visit www.loveisrespect.org

Repurposing is allowed and encouraged. Please contact Break the Cycle or the National Dating Abuse Helpline for more information. 23. Grabs, pushes, shoves, chokes, punches, slaps, holds me down, throws Yes No

things or hurts me in some way. 24. Breaks or throws things to intimidate me. Yes No 25. Yells, screams or humiliates me in front of other people. Yes No

26. Pressures or forces me into having sex or going farther than I want to. Yes No

Scoring Give yourself one point for every no you answered to numbers 1-4, one point for every yes response to numbers 5-8 and five points for every yes to numbers 9 and above.

Now that you’re finished and have your score, the next step is to find out what it means. Simply take your total score and see which of the categories below apply to you.

Score: 0 Points You got a score of zero? Don’t worry -- it’s a good thing! It sounds like your relationship is on a pretty healthy track. Maintaining healthy relationships takes some work -- keep it up! Remember that while you may have a healthy relationship, it’s possible that a friend of yours does not. If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, find out how you can help them by visiting loveisrespect.org.

Score: 1-2 Points If you scored one or two points, you might be noticing a couple of things in your relationship that are unhealthy, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are warning signs. It’s still a good idea to keep an eye out and make sure there isn’t an unhealthy pattern developing.

The best thing to do is to talk to your partner and let them know what you like and don’t like. Encourage them to do the same. Remember, communication is always important when building a healthy relationship. It’s also good to be informed so you can recognize the different types of abuse.

Score: 3-4 Points If you scored three or four points, it sounds like you may be seeing some warning signs of an abusive relationship. Don’t ignore these red flags. Something that starts small can grow much worse over time. No relationship is perfect -- it takes work! But in a healthy relationship you won’t find abusive behaviors.

Score: 5 or More Points If you scored five or points, you are definitely seeing warning signs and may be in an abusive relationship. Remember the most important thing is your safety -- consider making a safety plan.

You don’t have to deal with this alone. We can help. Chat with a trained peer advocate to learn about your different options at loveisrespect.org.

For more information, visit www.loveisrespect.org

Repurposing is allowed and encouraged. Please contact Break the Cycle or the National Dating Abuse Helpline for more information. Activity 2 1. I have the right to be treated with respect.

2. I have the right to feel safe; emotionally and physically. 3. I have the right to spend time with my friends and family, and have time alone to do my own activities. 4. I have the right to have my own feelings, thoughts, and opinions, even if they are different than my partner’s. 5. I have the right to be treated as an equal. 6. I have the right to make decisions based on my own feelings/intuition/instinct. 7. I have the right to say “No” to anything, at any time, without being pressured, manipulated, or made to feel guilty. 8. I have the right to be listened to. 9. I have the right to make mistakes and not be perfect. 10. I have the right to talk openly, honestly, and respectfully about my feelings, opinions, wants, and needs. 11. I have the right to end a relationship, without being threatened, punished, or made to feel guilty. 12. I have the right to change my mind at anytime. 13.

Relationship Bill of Rights of Bill Relationship 14. 15.

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | 1-888-DVLINKS ( 385-4657 ) Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: ( 858 ) 272-5777 East County: ( 619 ) 697-7477 North County: ( 760 ) 747-6282 Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS Activity 3 The Five Languages of Love Quiz

For each pair of statements, circle the one that best fits you within your relationship. If you are not currently in a relationship, imagine how you would like to be treated if you were, or by your family members and close friends.

1. I like to receive encouraging or affirming notes. A I like to be hugged. E

2. I like to spend one-to-one time with close friends. B I feel loved when someone gives me practical help. D

3. I like it when people give me gifts. C I like leisurely visits with friends and loved ones. B

4. I feel loved when people do things to help me. D I feel loved when people give me a reassuring hand shake or hug. E

5. I feel loved when someone I love or admire puts their arm around me. E I feel loved when I receive a gift from someone I admire or love. C

6. I like to go places with friends or loved ones. B I like to high-five or slap around with friends who are special to me. E

7. Visible symbols of love (such as gifts) are important to me. C I feel loved when people affirm me. A

8. I like to sit close to people I enjoy being around. E I like it when people tell me I’m attractive/handsome. A

9. I like to spend time with friends and loved ones. B I like to receive little gifts from friends and loved ones. C

10. Words of acceptance are important to me. A I know someone loves me when he or she helps me. D

11. I like being together and doing things with friends & loved ones. B I like it when kind words are spoken to me. A

12. What someone does affects me far more than what they say. D Hugs make me feel connected and valued. E

13. I value praise and try to avoid criticism. A Several small gifts mean more to me than one large gift. C

14. I feel close to someone when we are talking or doing something together. B I feel closer to friends & loved ones when we wrestle, hug or shake hands. E

15. I like for people to complement my achievements. A I know people love me when they do things for me they don’t enjoy doing. D

16. I like for people to cross the street to shake hands or hug when they see me. E I like when people listen to me & show genuine interest in what I’m saying. B

17. I feel loved when friends and loved ones help me with jobs or projects. D I really enjoy receiving gifts from friends and loved ones. C

18. I like for people to complement my appearance. A I feel loved when people take time to understand my feelings. B

19. I feel secure when a special person is physically close to me. E Acts of service make me feel loved. D

20. I appreciate the many things that special people do for me. D

Further reading, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Dr. Gary Chapman I like to receive gifts that special people make for me. C

21. I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone gives me undivided attention. B I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone does some act to serve me. D

22. I feel loved when a person celebrates my birthday with a gift. C I feel loved when a person celebrates my birthday with meaningful words. A

23. I know a person is thinking of me when they give me a gift. C I feel loved when a person helps me with my chores or tasks. D

24. I appreciate it when someone listens patiently and doesn’t interrupt me. B I appreciate it when someone remembers special days with a gift. C

25. I like knowing loved ones are concern enough to help with my daily tasks. D I enjoy extended trips with someone who is special to me. B

26. I don’t mind the “kiss-hello” with friends I am close to. E Receiving a gift given for no special reason excites me. C

27. I like to be told that I am appreciated. A I like for a person to look at me when they are talking. B

28. Gifts from a friend or loved one are always special to me. C I feel good when a friend or loved one hugs or touches me. E

29. I feel loved when a person enthusiastically does some task I have requested. D I feel loved when I am told how much I am appreciated. A

30. I need physical contact with people everyday. E I need words of encouragement and affirmation everyday. A

Now go through your quiz again and count how many “A, B, C, D and Es” you circled and place the number below. TOTALS for A: ______B: ______C: ______D: ______E: ______

Which letter has your highest score? That is your primary language of love: • A = Words of Affirmation • B = Quality Time • C = Receiving Gifts • D = Acts of Service • E = Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation One of your deepest needs is the need to feel appreciated. Verbal compliments, words of appreciation, encouragement, kind and humble words are all ways to show love to you.

Quality Time You enjoy doing things TOGETHER! We aren’t talking about just sitting in front of the T.V. together but really giving each other undivided attention. This means looking at each other, talking to each other, sharing your life with your partner.

Receiving Gifts You are happy to receive things from your loved ones. They don’t have to be expensive. The gift is a symbol of “s/he cares about me” and “s/he thinks of me”.

Acts of Service For you, actions speak louder than words! You prefer your partner to do things for you such as cooking a meal, giving a massage, cleaning the room, etc. You like your partner to initiate the acts of service and put effort into doing them to show that s/he cares.

Physical Touch You love to receive a hug, a kiss, squeezes on the shoulder, a pat on the back, a touch of the face, and an arm around the waist, etc. Touches can be ten times as powerful and comforting as any words.

Further reading, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Dr. Gary Chapman Activity 4

Jealousy Scale

While feelings of jealousy may be a healthy part of a loving relationship, jealous thoughts and actions can indicate a problem.

Directions: Read each statement, then answer honestly, based on your current partner (or most recent relationship). Write your answer on the line after each statement.

SECTION ONE: Thoughts How often do you have the following thoughts about your partner? 1 2 3 4 5 Never Rarely Sometimes A lot Always

1. I suspect my partner is secretly seeing or hooking up with someone else. _____ 2. I am worried that someone may be chasing after my partner. _____ 3. I suspect that my partner may be attracted to someone else. _____ 4. I suspect that my partner may be physically intimate with another person behind my back. _____ 5. I think that some people may be romantically interested in my partner. _____ 6. I am worried that someone is trying to seduce my partner. _____ 7. I think that my partner is secretly developing an intimate relationship with someone else. _____ 8. I suspect that my partner is obsessed with looking at other women/men. _____ SECTION ONE TOTAL _____

SECTION TWO: Actions How often do you DO any of the following? 1 2 3 4 5 Never Rarely Sometimes A lot Always

1. I look through my partner’s drawers, purse, pockets, car, cell phone, and social media. _____ 2. I call my partner unexpectedly just to see where they are. _____ 3. I question my partner about their previous relationships. _____ 4. I say something nasty or mean about another person if my partner shows interest in them. _____ 5. I question my partner about their phone calls or text messages. _____ 6. I question my partner about where they’ve been or where they’re going. _____ 7. I join in whenever I see my partner talking to someone new. _____ 8. I pay my partner a surprise visit, just to see what they are doing or who they are with. _____ SECTION TWO TOTAL _____

Adapted from: San Diego’s Office of Violence Prevention SECTION THREE: Feelings How would you feel if faced with the following situations? 1 2 3 4 5 Very Happy Happy Nothing Unhappy Very Unhappy or Angry

1. My partner comments on how great someone else is looking. _____ 2. My partner shows a great deal of interest or excitement in talking to someone new. _____ 3. My partner smiles in a friendly way at someone else. _____ 4. Someone else is trying to get close to my partner all the time. _____ 5. My partner is flirting with someone else. _____ 6. My partner hugs and kisses (on the cheek) someone else. _____ 7. My partner works closely with someone who they could have a romantic relationship with. _____ 8. My partner is friends with an ex. _____ SECTION THREE TOTAL _____

SCORING: SECTION ONE: Thoughts _____ SECTION TWO: Actions _____ SECTION THREE: Feelings _____ TOTAL: _____

Overall, the higher you score, the more jealous you tend to be.  Score under 50 - You feel very secure and trusting in your relationship.  51-75 - You feel somewhat secure and trusting in your relationship.  76-100 - It’s easy for you to become jealous, but it doesn’t get in the way too much.  101 or higher - You tend to be very jealous.

Think about the basis or reason for your jealous thoughts, feelings, and actions. Has your partner given you a reason to be jealous? If so, have you had a conversation about this? What can YOU do to decrease you jealousy?

Having thoughts or feelings aren’t generally a problem until they affect you or your partner, which in turn affects the relationship.

Are your actions, thoughts, or feelings creating a problem for you or your partner? Have you discussed these in a healthy and open conversation? Overcoming Jealousy

1. Start by believing your partner. 2. Bring awareness to your feelings and thoughts. 3. Talk to your partner about your feelings without blaming them. 4. Try to view the situation objectively. 5. Stop comparing yourself to others. 6. Learn to fully accept and love yourself as you are. 7. Understand that your partner does not belong to you. 8. Don’t use jealousy to play games. 9. Stop listening to your imagination. 10. Work on understanding the core beliefs that trigger jealousy in you. –What are you insecure about? What are you afraid to lose?

Overcoming Jealousy

Activity 4.1 Triggers

How angry would the following situation make you? – Use the scale found below.

1 2 3 4 5 No Annoyance A Little Irritation Upset Angry Extremely Angry

 _____ You hear people joking about your family or girlfriend.  _____ You are NOT being treated with respect or consideration.  _____ You are the only one who gets in trouble for something that others were also doing.  _____ You walk into a store and get the sense that someone is watching or following every step you make.  _____ You are trying to express your feelings or get your point across and the other person doesn’t give you a chance.  _____ Someone tells you how you SHOULD be doing things or what you SHOULD do, when you have NOT solicited their opinion.  _____ You’re in a discussion with someone who knows very little about the topic.  _____ You are trying to rest or study and someone sits next to you and starts complaining about their day.  _____ Someone is given special treatment because of the way they look, their popularity, financial position, ethnicity, or family status.  _____ In the middle of making out with your girlfriend, she tells you that she has to go home.  _____ Someone says you’re not “man enough.”  _____ You see your girlfriend talking to another man.  _____ You see your girlfriend hugging another man.

What other situations would make you angry? ______

How does your body tell you that you are getting angry? Physical Symptoms Emotional Symptoms Behavioral Symptoms ___ clench your jaw ___ feel upset or depressed ___ cry/yell/scream ___ get a headache ___ feel guilt or shame ___ consume alcohol or drugs ___ sweat ___ feel resentment ___ say hurtful things ___ red-faced ___ feel anxious ___ want to hit something/someone ___ stomachache ___ feel frustrated ___ withdraw or walk away

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | (888 ) 385-4657 Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: (858) 272 -5777 East County: (619) 697 -7477 North County: (760) 747 -6282

Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS Activity 4.2 Healthy Coping Strategies

Add additional coping strategies that you can use when you start to feel angry/frustrated/upset to help you regain control of your body and emotions.

Avoid people or places Laugh (Humor) Say or write down positive things about yourself Brainstorm solutions Let it go Take a Time-Out

Create a plan to manage the Listen to music Take deep breaths problem Cry Meditate Talk to counselor

Don’t take it personally Negotiate in a healthy Talk to friends way/Compromise Draw (Art) Play a game Visualize a happy place or moment Exercise Pray Walk a dog

Go to church Read Whistle

Ignore it Rest (Put your feet up) Write (Journaling)

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | (888 ) 385-4657 Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: (858) 272 -5777 East County: (619) 697 -7477 North County: (760) 747 -6282

Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS Activity 5: Healthy Communication – How Does It Sound? Aggressive: Ready to attack or oppose, physical abuse, intimidation, threats. The definitions: Manipulative: Influencing the behavior/emotions of others; guilt trips, peer pressure. Respectful: Showing consideration and regard toward another; courteous, fair, open-minded. The instructions: Please mark an “X” for the type of behavior being expressed in the following statements:

The Aggressive Manipulative Respectful statements: Don’t be so stupid!

I like that idea. What do you think?

It’s not my fault, it’s your fault!

If you don’t do it, you’ll regret it!

I’m really upset right now. I need time to calm down and then, if you’re ready, we can talk.

You made me so mad.

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | (888 ) 385-4657 Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: (858) 272 -5777 East County: (619) 697 -7477 North County: (760) 747 -6282

Activity 5: Healthy Communication – How Does It Sound? Aggressive: Ready to attack or oppose, physical abuse, intimidation, threats. The definitions: Manipulative: Influencing the behavior/emotions of others; guilt trips, peer pressure. Respectful: Showing consideration and regard toward another; courteous, fair, open-minded. The instructions: Please mark an “X” for the type of behavior being expressed in the following statements:

The Aggressive Manipulative Respectful statements: Don’t be so stupid!

I like that idea. What do you think?

It’s not my fault, it’s your fault!

If you don’t do it, you’ll regret it!

I’m really upset right now. I need time to calm down and then, if you’re ready, we can talk.

You made me so mad.

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | (888 ) 385-4657 Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: (858) 272 -5777 East County: (619) 697 -7477 North County: (760) 747 -6282

Respectful Problem Solving The Basics

 Have empathy for others. How do they feel?

 Show vulnerability. Be willing to be wrong.

 Be committed to finding a solution.

Rules for Fighting Fair 1. Focus on the problem, not the person. 2. Don’t bring up the past. 3. NO FOULS: No blaming, put-downs, shouting, name-calling, “You” statements, swearing, interruptions, he said/she said, sarcasm, or unkind tone of voice. 4. LISTEN! Be silent and listen, paying attention to what the other person is saying and feeling. 5. Try to see the other person’s point of view. Stand in their shoes. 6. Use “I” statements: “I feel ____ when ____.” (Avoid using the word “you” in the statement.) 7. Speak and act assertively. Try not to get defensive or offensive. All people should be attempting to discuss the issue, not run away from or attack the other. 8. Be willing to be wrong. Don’t take a position because you “have to be right all the time”. 9. Be committed to resolving the problem. 10. Don’t hold grudges. If you’re not satisfied with the outcome, be honest and talk about it more.

Compiled with assistance from Marilyn Coburn-Burney (Buckley School - Los Angeles, CA) as part of the In Touch With Teens curriculum from LACAAW

Keep in Mind the Characteristics of Healthy Relationships 1. Respect - value the wishes and feelings of your partner. 2. Trust & Support - respect and encourage partner’s goals, activities, privacy, and interests. 3. Honesty & Accountability - communicate openly and truthfully, while accepting responsibility for one’s own actions, and making an effort to improve. 4. Negotiation & Fairness - compromising with fairness, accepting change, and finding mutually satisfying solutions. 5. Non-Threatening Behavior - talks and acts in a way that makes both partners feel safe.

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | 1-888-DVLINKS ( 385-4657) • Web | www.ccssd.org

Locations | Coastal: ( 858 ) 272-5777 • East County: ( 619 ) 697-7477 • North County: ( 760 ) 747-6282 • Mountain Empire: ( 619 ) 378-5115

Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS Activity 6 How to Make an “I” Statement You have the right to stand up for your wants and needs in a way that is respectful to you and your partner. 1. Describe your feelings. This is about your feelings. Try looking beyond your anger. Were you angry because you felt hurt, sad, disrespected, etc.? 2. Describe the problem. Focus on the problem, not the person. 3. Suggest a solution. This is a possible solution without expectations, demands, controlling, or manipulation. 4. Optional: State a behavior that you will do in return.

Constructing an “I” Statement

Below is an example scenario and suggestions that may help:

Tonight you have a very important appointment and asked your partner to pick you up at 6pm. They agree. But 6pm has passed and they haven’t come to pick you up. You don’t see them until 7:30pm. Feelings: I feel neglected/disrespected/frustrated... Problem: When I’m picked up late. Solution: Can you call me next time you are running late so I can make other plans?

Creating your own “I” Statement

Using the scenario below, create an “I” Statement to resolve it:

Your partner has started texting and calling you way more times a day than you are comfortable

I feel ______,

When ______.

Can you ______?

And I can______.

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | 1-888-DVLINKS ( 385-4657 ) Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: ( 858 ) 272-5777 East County: ( 619 ) 697-7477 North County: ( 760 ) 747-6282

Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS More “I” Statement Examples

1. I feel disrespected when I’m called names. Please don’t call me that again.

2. I know we’re in a hurry but when I’m yelled at I get so flustered that I make even more mistakes. If we can calm down a little, I will finish a lot faster.

3. I feel unappreciated when I see you staring at other wo/men. Can you please not stare at other people when we’re together?

4. I was confused when I found the bill wasn’t paid because I thought it was. Would it be better to pay the bills together, instead of us taking turns?

5. I was worried there was an accident when I didn’t see you at 5pm. Can you call or text me next time you’re running late so I know you’re okay?

6. I feel used when friends drop by, use my washing machine, and then leave. I’d rather meet somewhere to hangout, maybe over lunch, when there are no chores to worry about and we can just enjoy each other’s company.

7. I feel betrayed and hurt knowing that people were told my personal information. Please don’t tell anyone when I ask you to keep something private? And I promise to do my best when I agree to keep your information private.

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | 1-888-DVLINKS ( 385-4657 ) Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: ( 858 ) 272-5777 East County: ( 619 ) 697-7477 North County: ( 760 ) 747-6282

Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS Breaking Up Healthy

How do you break up without making someone miserable -- or making them hate you forever?

Don't stress -- that's not good for you. But first, here's what NOT to do:  Don't tell your friends before you break up.  Don't post it on Facebook.  Don't text or email it.

Don't Text the Bad News You may be tempted to text a breakup to avoid arguments and tears. But don't go there. When it comes to breaking up, "text messages suck," says Annie Fox, author of The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating. "It's cold and it's unnecessarily disrespectful."

But many teens do it. In a survey, 30% of 13-to-17-year-olds said they'd either broken up with, or been dumped by, someone via text message.

Changing your Facebook status from "In a relationship" to "Single" is also not the way to tell your boyfriend or girlfriend you're through.

If you post it, "everybody gets to comment, and you're bringing everybody into your world," says teen psychologist Jennifer Hartstein, PsyD.

Instead, think about how you'd want someone to break up with you, and do the same thing.

The Best Way to Break Up Ask yourself why you want to end the relationship. "You really need to know why you're doing this," Fox says. "Because if someone is breaking up with you, the first question you always ask is, 'Why? Did I do something wrong?'"

If you've started to like someone else, that's OK. Or if you just don't feel the same way you used to, that's fine, too. You can't blame yourself for falling out of love. But still, don't be mean. Make sure you treat the other person with respect.

If the person you're dating hasn't respected your feelings -- or worse, has been aggressive or violent -- you have more than enough reason for wanting out.

Do It in Person Once you know why you want to end the relationship, "Be honest with yourself. And then be honest when you talk with them -- privately, face-to-face," Fox says.

Know that no matter how gently you handle the breakup, you're going to hurt the other person's feelings, Hartstein says. That's something you need to accept.

Coastal: (858) 272-5777 East County: (619) 697-7477 North County: (760) 747-6282 Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS

"When you say, 'I don't want to be with you anymore,' you know before you say it -- if you have a heart -- that you're going to be hurting someone. You also know that you'd never want to be on the receiving end of what you're about to dish out," Fox says.

Make It Stick Even if you can't stand the sight of your ex crying, don't back down.

"You've got to stick to your guns," Fox says. "It's not a negotiation. You're going into this conversation to let your boyfriend or girlfriend know that you’re leaving the relationship." Listen respectfully to what they have to say. Then, move on.

If you're getting out of an abusive relationship, take extra care of your safety. Make sure you have a friend with you whenever you might run into your ex. Block the person from calling, emailing, and posting on your Facebook page. Ask your parents, teachers, and guidance counselor for help so you don't get into a dangerous situation. They can also help support you as you recover and look toward a healthier, happier relationship with someone else. Remember, it's better to be on your own than with someone who's bad for you.

How to Handle Getting Dumped When someone breaks up with you, it can be tough to handle.

"It's like someone has just busted a huge hole in your heart," Fox says. "It's OK to feel sad. It's OK to cry."

Just about everyone gets their heart broken sooner or later. Most people get over it in time and go on to have other healthy relationships.

And remember all the healthy relationships you already have -- with your friends and family! Hang out with them and do some things that you enjoy. Friends can go a long way to help you feel like yourself again.

If you're really devastated and just can't get over it, you definitely need to ask for help.

"If you're feeling really depressed -- you cannot sleep, you're not eating -- talk to somebody you trust," Fox says. That person can be a parent, your school guidance counselor, or a therapist.

What's Good About It? It can be hard to see the bright side when you're in the middle of a breakup. But chances are some good things came from your relationship.

"I think it's important to look at what you gained from the time you were together with this person," Fox says. "There's a lot of potential for learning."

Did you learn more about yourself from the relationship? Or about what you want in a boyfriend or girlfriend? Then next time, you'll choose someone who suits you better, and who treats you the way you deserve.

Activity 7 Act Like a Lady Adapted from Making the Peace (1997) by Paul Kivel & Allan Creighton

Read aloud each question below. Ask students to stand up or raise their hand if the experience has ever happened to them. Ask students why they think certain groups of people may be expected to act in a certain way, or change their behaviors, but not others. What feelings do students have regarding the different questions? What does this teach us about how girls are trained to be women?

1. Have you ever worn makeup, shaved your legs or underarms, or waxed unwanted hair? 2. Have you ever worn uncomfortable, restrictive clothing – heels, a girdle/Spanx, clothes that felt too tight or too revealing? 3. Have you ever worried that you were not pretty enough? 4. Have you ever felt you were not feminine enough? 5. Have you ever changed your diet or exercised to change your body size, shape, or weight? 6. Have you ever felt less important than a man? 7. Have you ever pretended to be less intelligent than you are to protect a boy’s or man’s ego? 8. Did you ever remain silent, or were you ever ignored, because boys or men were doing all the talking? 9. Have you ever felt limited in what careers are open to you? 10. Were you ever yelled at, commented on, whistled at, touched, or harassed by a boy or man in a public place? 11. Have you ever been called a bitch, a slut, a whore, or a similar name? 12. Do you routinely alter your plans or limit your activity because of fear for your physical safety from boys or men? 13. Have you ever stopped yourself from showing affection to, hugging, or touching another woman because of how it might look? 14. Have you ever been afraid of a man’s anger? 15. Have you ever said yes to someone because you were afraid to say no?

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | ( 888) 385-4657 Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: ( 858) 272-5777 East County: ( 619) 697-7477 North County: ( 760) 747-6282

Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS Activity 7 Act Like a Man Adapted from Making the Peace (1997) by Paul Kivel & Allan Creighton

1. Have you ever worried that you weren’t tough enough? 2. Have you ever exercised to make yourself tougher? 3. Were you ever told not to cry? 4. Were you ever hit to make you stop crying? 5. Have you ever been called a wimp, a queer, or a fag? 6. Have you ever been told to act like a man? 7. Have you ever been hit by an older man? 8. Have you ever been forced to fight, or been in a fight because you felt you had to prove you were a man? 9. Did you ever see an adult man you looked up to or respected hit or emotionally abuse a woman? 10. Have you ever been physically injured by another person? 11. Have you ever been physically injured and hid the pain or kept it to yourself? 12. Have you stopped yourself from showing affection to, hugging, or touching another man because of how it might look? 13. Have you ever been touched in a way you didn’t like by an older person? 14. Have you ever been arrested or done time in jail or prison or the juvenile justice system? 15. Did you ever drink or take drugs to cover your feelings or hide your pain? 16. Have you ever had your life threatened by another man?

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | ( 888) 385-4657 Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: (858) 272 -5777 East County: (61 9) 697 -7477 North County: (760) 747 -6282 Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS Activity 8 Media Men and Women on the Wall

Purpose: To introduce media as a tool for sharing and policing ideas about gender, and to examine the features of culturally dominant constructions of masculinity and femininity.

Materials: Magazines, pens, and two (2) human outlines (optional template included)

Duration: 20 minutes.

Group Configuration: Whole group discussion, split group exercise. Begin this activity by briefly discussing the role of the media as a tool for sharing, reinforcing and policing social ideas about masculinity and femininity. What do participants think about the media’s ‘power’? How do the claims the media make about men and women influence people? And how do you think the media might affect you personally?

To examine dominant media messages about gender more concretely, ask the group to divide into two, and give a human outline to each group, along with pens and magazines. Ask one group to focus on masculinity, and the other group to focus on femininity. Using magazines and their own accumulated knowledge, ask participants to fill their human outlines with ideas and information the media presents us with about the ideal, typical man or woman. This could include expectations of appearance and behavior, likes and dislikes, shoulds and shouldn’ts, strengths and weaknesses.

After 10 minutes, each group presents their ‘media man’ or ‘media woman’ and discusses his or her features. After a closer look at some of these ideas, ask the group whether their ideas about the media’s influence have shifted, and how so. You may like to pin the media man and media woman onto the wall of the room once the exercise is finished.

Adapted from Gender, Sexism & Social Activism, A Youth Workshop Resource developed by School of Psychology, The University of Auckland

Activity 9 Healthy Relationships in Music Music is an integral part of our lives; yet, we oftentimes overlook the messages being sung or misinterpret the meaning of the lyrics. Teachers, read the lyrics to this song aloud and ask students if they think that this song represents a Healthy or Unhealthy Relationship. Students should refer to their Power & Control/Equality & Respect wheels for help.

“Every Breath You Take” by The Police

Every breath you take, Every move you make, Every bond you break, Every step you take, I'll be watching you.

Every single day, Every word you say, Every game you play, Every night you stay, I'll be watching you.

Oh can't you see, You belong to me. How my poor heart aches, With every step you take.

Every move you make, Every vow you break, Every smile you fake, Every claim you stake, I'll be watching you.

Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace I dream at night, I can only see your face. I look around but it's you I can't replace. I feel so cold and I long for your embrace. I keep calling baby, baby please...

Oh can't you see, You belong to me. How my poor heart aches, With every step you take.

Shocked by the popularity of this ‘love’ song, Sting, the writer of this song, discusses the song’s meaning:

1983, interview with the New Musical Express - "I think it's a nasty little song, really rather evil. It's about jealousy and surveillance and ownership. I watched Andy Gibb singing it with some girl on TV a couple of weeks ago, very loving, and totally misinterpreting it. (Laughter) I could still hear the words, which aren't about love at all. I pissed myself laughing." -Sting

1996, episode of VH1's "Storytellers" - "I wrote it initially as a seductive love song, and yet my life began to invade the song unconsciously, because at the time I wrote this song my life seemed to be falling apart. I was very successful at the time and yet my band was falling apart, my first marriage was falling apart, I was falling apart. And I think that invaded the song, and for me the song is quite dark, and it's not about seduction, and it's not about love and tenderness, it's about surveillance and control".

2009, interview with BBC Radio - “I think the song is very, very sinister and ugly and people have actually misinterpreted it as being a gentle little love song, when it's quite the opposite.”

Read the lyrics. Next, circle “P&C” if the behaviors represent Power & Control or “E&R” if the behaviors represent Equality & Respect. Lastly, circle the types of behaviors you recognize from the P&C and E&R wheels.

Wheel Song Artist Lyrics Types of Behaviors Type

You fight about money, about me and my brother. Emotional Abuse; Economic Abuse; Using Social And this I come home to, this is my shelter. Status/Privilege; Using Children; Physical Abuse; P&C Denying/Minimizing/Blaming; Intimidation & It ain’t easy growin’ up in World War III, Threats; Isolation & Extreme Jealousy; Sexual Family Portrait Pink or Abuse; Negotiation & Fairness; Economic Never knowin’ what love could be, you’ll see; Independence; Trust & Support; Responsible E&R Parenting; Non-Violence; Honesty & I don’t want love to destroy me, Accountability; Non-Threatening Behavior; Like it has done my family. Connections with Others; Sexual Safety You don't own me, Emotional Abuse; Economic Abuse; Using Social I'm not just one of your many toys. Status/Privilege; Using Children; Physical Abuse; You don't own me, P&C Denying/Minimizing/Blaming; Intimidation & You Don’t Own Lesley Threats; Isolation & Extreme Jealousy; Sexual Don't say I can't go with other boys. or Abuse; Negotiation & Fairness; Economic Me Gore Independence; Trust & Support; Responsible And don't tell me what to do, E&R Parenting; Non-Violence; Honesty & Accountability; Non-Threatening Behavior; And don't tell me what to say. Connections with Others; Sexual Safety And when I go out with you, Don't put me on display. You're a good girl, Emotional Abuse; Economic Abuse; Using Social Can't let it get past me, you're far from plastic, Status/Privilege; Using Children; Physical Abuse; Talk about getting blasted. P&C Denying/Minimizing/Blaming; Intimidation & Robin Threats; Isolation & Extreme Jealousy; Sexual Blurred Lines I hate these blurred lines, or Abuse; Negotiation & Fairness; Economic Thicke Independence; Trust & Support; Responsible I know you want it (3x) E&R Parenting; Non-Violence; Honesty & Accountability; Non-Threatening Behavior; But you're a good girl, Connections with Others; Sexual Safety The way you grab me, must wanna get nasty. Emotional Abuse; Economic Abuse; Using Social I will stand by you, I will help you through. Status/Privilege; Using Children; Physical Abuse; When you’ve done all you can do, P&C Denying/Minimizing/Blaming; Intimidation & Rascall Threats; Isolation & Extreme Jealousy; Sexual I Won’t Let Go And you can’t cope, or Abuse; Negotiation & Fairness; Economic Flatts Independence; Trust & Support; Responsible I will dry your eyes. I will fight your fight. E&R Parenting; Non-Violence; Honesty & Accountability; Non-Threatening Behavior; I will hold you tight. And I won't let go. Connections with Others; Sexual Safety

You're an ******* but I love you, Emotional Abuse; Economic Abuse; Using Social And you make me so mad I ask myself… Status/Privilege; Using Children; Physical Abuse; P&C Denying/Minimizing/Blaming; Intimidation & Why I'm still here, or where could I go? Threats; Isolation & Extreme Jealousy; Sexual True Love Pink or Abuse; Negotiation & Fairness; Economic You're the only love I've ever known. Independence; Trust & Support; Responsible E&R Parenting; Non-Violence; Honesty & But I hate you, I really hate you, Accountability; Non-Threatening Behavior; So much I think it must be... True Love. Connections with Others; Sexual Safety Emotional Abuse; Economic Abuse; Using Social I've got so much to do, but girl it doesn't matter. Status/Privilege; Using Children; Physical Abuse; When it comes down to you, P&C Denying/Minimizing/Blaming; Intimidation & Kenny Threats; Isolation & Extreme Jealousy; Sexual Never Too Busy I can't think of nothing better. or Abuse; Negotiation & Fairness; Economic Lattimore Independence; Trust & Support; Responsible Every time I'm stressin', I find that it's a blessin', E&R Parenting; Non-Violence; Honesty & Accountability; Non-Threatening Behavior; To be hearin' from you. Connections with Others; Sexual Safety Next time I'm pissed,

I'll lay my fist at the drywall. Emotional Abuse; Economic Abuse; Using Social Next time. There won't be no next time. Status/Privilege; Using Children; Physical Abuse; Eminem P&C Denying/Minimizing/Blaming; Intimidation & Love the Way You I apologize even though I know its lies. Threats; Isolation & Extreme Jealousy; Sexual ft. or Abuse; Negotiation & Fairness; Economic Lie I'm tired of the games I just want her back. Independence; Trust & Support; Responsible Rihanna E&R Parenting; Non-Violence; Honesty & I know I'm a liar. Accountability; Non-Threatening Behavior; If she ever tries to leave again. Connections with Others; Sexual Safety I’ma tie her to the bed & set this house on fire. Emotional Abuse; Economic Abuse; Using Social I'm dyin' to meet ya, so let's mess around. Status/Privilege; Using Children; Physical Abuse; I got an obsession with us getting' down. P&C Denying/Minimizing/Blaming; Intimidation & John Threats; Isolation & Extreme Jealousy; Sexual Green Light Come just a little bit closer, I just need permission. or Abuse; Negotiation & Fairness; Economic Legend Independence; Trust & Support; Responsible So give me the green light. E&R Parenting; Non-Violence; Honesty & Accountability; Non-Threatening Behavior; Connections with Others; Sexual Safety

A deliberate pattern of assaultive and manipulative behaviors done by a partner (or ex partner) to gain power and control. Partners may be married, dating, seeing each other, hooking up, or broken up.

Manipulates Name calling, partner into sex, put downs, constant including using guilt and criticism • Plays mind games threats • Unwanted touching • Embarrasses or humiliates • Pressures partner for sex partner • Tries to make partner • Treats partner like a sex feel guilty • Gives the “silent Doesn’t object • Sexual harassment treatment” • Spreads allow or • Takes advantage of rumors or tells secrets Prevents discourages partner sexually while • Insults partner’s race/ partner from friends or activities they are drunk or heritage/religion/ getting/keeping a • Keeps track of partner, high • Sabotages appearance/abilities job • Keeps partner on an including through cell phone, or refuses to • Damages allowance • Makes partner give email, social networking sites, or use partner’s money or takes money away from other forms of technology • Doesn’t let protection personal partner • Expects partner to always pay for partner work, worship how they want, or do property dates or buy things • Uses partner for their their own activities • Accuses partner of money • Expects sexual acts in return cheating • Uses jealousy to justify for spending money on partner controlling Uses looks/actions/gestures/voice to scare partner • Throws/smashes things • Shows Treats partner like a servant • Makes all the weapons • Destroys property • Punches walls or decisions • Defines roles for the relationship and other objects • “Play fights” to show strength over “rules” that are not the same for both partners partner • Threatens to hurt partner or • Discriminates partner based on someone the partner cares about Pressures gender, culture, religion, disability, partner to get • Abuses or threatens to abuse Says the age, or sexual orientation pregnant • Uses pets • Stalks • Threatens abuse didn’t • Makes partner get Physical children to create to commit happen or acts like permission suicide contact dependency it’s not that bad meant to • Threatens to take away • Doesn’t take abuse hurt, scare, or not allow contact with the seriously • Says partner or threaten partner children • Hurts or threatens to “brought on” abuse by something • Hits, punches, hurt the children • Tells children they did or didn’t do, or they kicks, cuts, burns, negative things about partner deserve the abuse • Doesn’t pushes, slaps, or • Threatens to report partner take responsibility for own chokes/strangles partner to child welfare • Uses behavior • Says • Throws objects at • Spits at or visitation to Adapted from abuse is normal The Power and near partner • Grabs partner harass Control Wheel • Holds partner against their will partner developed by the • Denies partner medical care or other Domestic Abuse Intervention physical needs Project, Duluth, Minnesota.

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | 1-888-385-4657 Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: ( 858 ) 272-5777 East County: ( 619 ) 697-7477 North County: ( 760 ) 747-6282

Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS A healthy relationship can be based on respect and equality, where both people in a relationship believe they are equally deserving of respect, and neither tries to gain power or control over the other. Inside the “Equality and Respect Wheel” are examples of equal and respectful behaviors.

Both partners Both partners have equal decision- are able to say “No” to any making power • sexual behavior they are not Both partners are willing comfortable with • Honors to compromise and respects each other’s • Rules and Both sexual decisions • Talks agreements are partners openly about sex made together and Both partners spend time with • Practices apply equally control their own friends and family “safer sex”, if to both money • Negotiates • Both enjoy activities sexually about shared expenses outside of the relationship active • Gifts are given freely, • Both partners make their own without expectation for decisions about where they go, anything in return • There are no what they do, and who they hang out with demands for money or material items.

Encourages partner’s goals • Points out Talks and acts so both partners feel partner’s talents and strengths • Values partner’s f comfortable expressing their opinions and feelings and opinions even when different making their own decisions • Both from own • Respects privacy partners always feel safe • Listens non-judgmentally around the other Accepts responsibility for one’s own Talks about actions • Acknowledges Actions and makes mistakes • Admits when are kind responsible decisions wrong • Communicates openly • Both about pregnancy • If parenting, and truthfully • Trusts partner partners are shares responsibilities with partner and is trustworthy careful not to • Is a non-violent, positive role hurt each other • Tries model for children to solve problems in a respectful way • Shows Adapted from loving behaviors • There are The Power and Control Wheel no acts of punishment or payback developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, Minnesota.

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | 1-888-385-4657 Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: ( 858 ) 272-5777 East County: ( 619 ) 697-7477 North County: ( 760 ) 747-6282

Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS Activity 10

Text Talk Created by Marcella Maggio (2014)

Open communication is key to any healthy relationship. However, many times the meaning behind a message can be lost, especially through text. Though this form of communication is essential in keeping people connected, without the ability to hear the person’s tone or see their body language, the message received is perceived exactly the way it is read. Therefore, if the receiver reads the message and responds before taking the time to relate to the sender (to their situation or experience), they often make assumptions based solely on their feelings/opinions. This type of reaction can lead to misunderstandings, arguments, and resentments that could easily be avoided if the receiver takes the time to relate to the sender, and ask questions. To help students identify healthy verses unhealthy ‘Text Talk’ communication, have them use their cell phones for the following activity.

*Read the following directions/questions to the students, and stress the importance of having them read each text message, slowly and silently to themselves, in order to focus on the words and prevent distractions.

Read the last message you received from an acquaintance. Are their words non-threatening? Do they make you feel comfortable to express yourself? Now read your response to their message. Is it healthy? Are your words respectful? Do you see this person as your equal?

Read the last message you received from a friend. Are their words trusting and supportive? Do they make you feel encouraged to be yourself? Now read your response to their message. Is it healthy? Are your words non-judgmental? Do you value this person’s feelings even if they’re different from your own?

Read the last message you received from your parent/caretaker. Are their words honest? Do they make you feel trusted to communicate openly? Now read your response to their message. Is it healthy? Are your words truthful? Do you accept responsibility and admit when you are wrong with this person?

Now compare the messages. Which person received the healthiest response? Pay attention to your answer, and question why your responses changed depending on the relationship shared. Many times people make assumptions and react to the words they receive from people they know, but often give lots of thought to the responses they send to the people they’re still getting to know. Don’t let ‘Text Talk’ ruin your relationships, keep communication healthy:

Relate (to the person’s situation/experience), before you respond. Ask (questions, lots and lots of questions), don’t assume.

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | (888 ) 385-4657 Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: (858) 272 -5777 East County: (619) 697 -7477 North County: (760) 747 -6282

Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS Activity 11

“If Only”

Stacey is a quiet, book-smart 17-year old high school senior. Stacey has been in a relationship with Taylor since their junior year. Taylor is the star of the basketball team and well liked. In the beginning of their relationship, Taylor showered Stacey with gifts and attention, and supported Stacey’s dreams of joining the Theatre Club. But since then, Taylor has become jealous of the time Stacey spends with the Club and is emotionally and physically abusive. Stacey has complained to Taylor, to family, and school staff about the abusive relationship, and has ended the relationship with Taylor three times, but due to experiencing a lack of support, the decision to leave the relationship never lasted.

[Assign a student to each character, including Stacey. After each participant gives his/her “If Only” speech, they will turn their backs on Stacey. The turned back represents the person’s lack of understanding and assistance to Stacey’s needs.]

Parent: What did you do this time? Choose the theatre club over a basketball game? Taylor’s a good kid, and definitely going places. First a college scholarship, next the NBA, and then you two will be set. If only you weren’t so selfish.

Taylor’s Mom: Don’t try to ruin things with your drama, Stacey! My Taylor is quite the catch and has a great future. If only you would play your cards right, you could be a part of that future.

Best Friend: Stacey! OMG! Taylor is SO wonderful! I mean, who bought you all those gifts and went to all of your theatre shows? Taylor did, that’s who! If only you could figure out a way to smooth out Taylor’s rough edges.

Taylor’s Coach: Stacey, Taylor is our star player. Any negative marks on Taylor’s career here could have a devastating and lasting impact. Yes, Taylor can be a little rough and may need to leave some of that on the court, but that aggression is what makes for a great athlete. If only you could see how important Taylor is to our school and our team.

School Staff: Ok Stacey, seems you and Taylor are having some problems getting along. But because there are so many other students, we can’t change student’s schedules or provide escorts every time two of them have a problem. We will be happy to set up a time for mediation so the two of you can work out your problems. If only you could find a way to fix things.

Olayinka! If Only (adapted) Page 1 Cherise M. Young, MA

[Reversed Script: To instill and offer hope, each speaker (beginning with the last one to speak) turns back around to face Stacey and offers more helpful statements. For a stronger impact, have students come up with their own responses instead of using the suggestions below.]

School Staff: Stacey, I’m sorry to hear that you and Taylor are having problems. I see by ignoring this in the past, you have suffered academically. If only I had asked more questions and offered you the support and protection you requested. What can the school do to make you feel safe?

Taylor’s Coach: Stacey, I now understand that Taylor’s court behavior has no place in a relationship. I will discuss this with Taylor and stress how important it is to learn how to distinguish the two. If only I had paid more attention to Taylor’s on and off court behavior. What can I do to help?

Best Friend: OMG, Stacey! I’m sorry for being so stuck on how things looked on the outside and not seeing how badly you were hurting on the inside. Gifts are SO overrated! If only I had been a better friend! Stacey, if leaving Taylor is what you want, is there anything I can do?

Taylor’s Mom: Stacey, Taylor’s father and I will remind Taylor that the respect we have in this community is because we treat others with respect. If only we had held Taylor accountable. Do you need us to talk to your parents or the school?

Parent: Stacey, I want you to have a great future! You are smart and deserve the best. If only I had done a better job of teaching you what a healthy relationship looks like. But I am here for you now and will do all I can to make sure you are safe at home and at school.

Facilitator Questions: What do students see as being appropriate responses? What would be appropriate questions to ask? Why is it important for people to support someone who discloses abuse? What are the possible consequences if Stacey doesn’t receive the support that she needs?

Olayinka! If Only (adapted) Page 2 Cherise M. Young, MA

Activity 12 The Five Qualities of an Ally

Read each category below, and ask students to think seriously about whether they are ready to sign the “Ally Pledge”. Encourage them to talk among themselves about how to support their being able to keep their commitment to the Ally Pledge.

1. An ally listens. Pay attention to, believe in, and respect what the person who needs help says. 2. An ally is present. Back the person up – by being a friend, keeping your word, and by letting the person know when you can’t be there. 3. An ally opens doors. Help the person explore the available options, resources, and support. Provide useful information, and share your resources and connections 4. An ally takes chances Sometimes we don’t reach out because we fear we will make a mistake or say the wrong thing. An ally is bold. When they mess up, they fix it and try again. It’s always important to take a chance and reach out. 5. An ally gets support When you are helping someone, remember to take care of yourself. Don’t do it alone. Above all, an ally is a peacemaker.

The Ally Pledge I pledge to not be violent to myself, my friends, my family, my lover, or anyone else. I will stand up for other people and make the peace.

Signed,

______

Adapted from Making the Peace (1997) by Paul Kivel & Allan Creighton

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | (888 ) 385-4657 Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: (858) 272 -5777 East County: (619) 697 -7477 North County: (760) 747 -6282 Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS How to Help a Friend

ACKNOWLEDGE UNDERSTAND SUPPORT “I’m sorry that happened to you.” “It wasn’t your fault.” “What can I do to help?”

Believe  Talk in private, listen to them rather than talking at them, and believe what they share with you.  Acknowledge their feelings and let them know they are not alone.

Tell Them They Did Not Deserve the Abuse  The violence perpetrated is not their fault. No one deserves to be abused.  The person who chooses to abuse is responsible for their own actions.

Don’t Assume  Do not tell others about their situation without the person’s permission.  Understand that just because they are sexually active doesn’t mean they are knowledgeable on topics related to sex, contraceptives, pregnancy, STDs, etc.

Support Them in Making Their Own Decisions  If they are not ready to talk or discuss options, kindly remind them that you are there to provide support for when they are ready.  Respect their right to make a decision.

Make a Safety Plan  What have they tried in the past to keep safe? Is it working?  Do they have a safe place to escape if necessary?

Give Help  Know the resources in your community. Is there a hotline? What legal, medical, or counseling options are available?

Get Help  Practice taking care of yourself.  Support, encourage, and praise yourself.

24hr Toll Free Crisisline: 1-888-385-4657 Web: www.ccssd.org

Locations Coastal: (858) 272-5777 • East County: (619) 697-7477 • North County: (760) 747-6282 Activity 13 What I Deserve in a Relationship…

List 3 qualities you like about yourself: List 3 qualities you would like to have in your IDEAL partner:

List 3 activities you enjoy doing and would like to share with your ideal partner:

List 3 expressions you would like your IDEAL partner to List 3 behaviors you would like to improve about yourself: share with you:

Our mission is to end relationship and sexual 24hr Toll Free Crisisline | 1-888-DVLINKS ( 3 85-4657 ) Web | www.ccssd.org violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. Locations | Coastal: ( 8 58 ) 272-5777 East County: ( 6 19 ) 697-7477 North County: ( 7 60 ) 747-6282

Activity 14

www.breakthecycle.org www.loveisrespect.org

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP PLEDGE

Healthy Relationship Pledge For Parents Take the pledge and promise to have healthy, I, (insert your name), promise to safe relationships free from violence and free support my teen and their current and future from fear. Then, share it with your partners, partners in maintaining relationships that are friends and family because everyone has the based on respect, equality, trust and honest right to a safe and healthy relationship! communication. I will talk to my teen about healthy relationships throughout the month of For Teens February and beyond. I will engage my teen with I, (insert your name), promise to information about healthy relationships and myself and to my current and future partners to designate myself as a safe place my teen can maintain relationships that are based on turn to, free of judgment. respect, equality, trust and honest communication. I will value my partner’s If my teen experiences abuse, I pledge to help boundaries online, in public and behind closed them by listening, modeling healthy doors. I will never engage in any type of abuse – communication and connecting them to physical, emotional, sexual, financial or digital. resources.

If one of my friends experiences abuse, I pledge I pledge to remember, demonstrate and to help them by saying something, modeling promote the fact that love is respect. healthy communication and connecting them to resources.

I pledge to remember, demonstrate and promote the fact that love is respect.

For more information visit www.teendvmonth.org Activity 15 Adapted from: Break the Cycle’s online activity toolkit. Available at www.breakthecycle.org Love Is...

Goals: Show that we may define love in different ways – but no matter how many definitions love has, abuse is not one of them.

Materials:

 Colored construction paper that students can cut into a large heart.  Scissors  Markers

Activity:

1. Have students cut their paper into the shape of a heart. 2. Write the words “Love is….” At the top of the heart. 3. Invite students to provide their personal definitions and phrases for what “Love Is…” in their heart. 4. Have students share what they wrote and/or post their hearts around the classroom or school.

Facilitator Questions:

1. What types of words are listed in the students’ hearts? a. Are there any that appear a lot or multiple times? b. What kinds of words are these? 2. Is there anything you don’t see in the hearts? a. How do these words make you feel? Not make you feel? b. Is there anything you were unsure of whether it should be in the heart? 3. Why are there so many different words?

24hr Toll Free Crisisline | (888 ) 385-4657 Web | www.ccssd.org Locations | Coastal: (858) 272 -5777 East County: (619) 697 -7477 North County: (760) 747 -6282 Our mission is to end relationship and sexual violence by being a catalyst for caring communities and social justice. –CCS SAN DIEGO REGIONAL GUIDE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RESOURCES

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Domestic Violence SERVICES and shelters

YWCA (Central) 619/234-3164 Center for Community Solutions (East County) 619/697-7477, 888/385-4657 Center for Community Solutions (North County) 760/747-6282, 888/385-4657 Community Resource Center (North County) 877/633-1112 Women’s Resource Center (North County) 760/757-3500 Center for Community Solutions (Coastal) 858/272-5777, 888/385-4657 South Bay Community Services (South County) 800/640-2933

Other Domestic Violence SERVICES (Partial list)

San Diego Family Justice Center (Central) 619/533-6000 Jewish Family Services – Project Sarah 858/637-3200 Southern Indian Health Council 619/445-1188 Indian Health Council 760/749-1410 License to Freedom 619/401-2800 Rancho Coastal Humane Society - Animal Safehouse Program (North County) 760/753-6413 Stalking Information Line (County of San Diego District Attorney’s Office) 619/515-8900 Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, (LGBTQ) Community Center 619/692-2077 SD District Attorney’s Office, Victim Assistance Program: Central: 619/531-4041, East: 619/441-4538, Juvenile: 858/694-4595, South: 619/498-5650, North: 760/806-4079

OtHer 24 hour hotlines (Partial list) Access & Crisis Line 888/724-7240 Children Welfare Services & the Child Abuse Hotline 800/344-6000 Aging and Independence Services & Adult Protective Services 800/510-2020 Center for Community Solutions - Sexual Assault Crisis Line 888/385-4657 Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning (LGBTQ) Heidorn 858/212-LIFE (5433) National DV Crisis Intervention, Information and Referral 800/799-SAFE (7233) Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN) Hotline 800/656-HOPE (4673) 211 211 (cell 800-227-0997) Meth Hotline 877/NO-2-METH (877-662-6384)

SPANISH SPEAKING AGENCIES (SE HABLA ESPAñOL) (Partial list)

National Domestic Violence Hotline 800/799-7233 Access & Crisis 24-Hour Hotline 888/724-7240 Casa Familiar 619/428-1115 Chicano Federation of San Diego County, Inc. 619/285-5600 Rady Children’s Hospital, Chadwick Center - Trauma Counseling Program 858/966-5803 North County Lifeline 760/726-4900 San Diego Family Justice Center 619/533-6000 South Bay Community Services 24-Hour Hotline and Services 800/640-2933

MILITARY RESOURCES (Partial list)

For referrals for family service and advocacy centers serving Camp Pendleton, MCAS Miramar, MCRD, Naval Base San Diego, NAS North Island, & Sub Base Fleet: Call Military OneSource at 800/342-9647 (24-hour hotline, not confidential) You may call the Family Justice Center Military Liaison 619/533-3592 (confidential) or National DV Hotline 800/799-7233.

CHILDREN’s RESOURCES (Partial list)

Child Welfare Services & the Child Abuse Hotline 800/344-6000 District Attorney’s Office Child Abduction Unit 619/531-4345 Rady Children’s Hospital, Chadwick Center - Trauma Counseling Program (Main Center) 858/966-5803 Rady Children’s Hospital, Chadwick Center - Trauma Counseling Program (South) 619/420-5611 Rady Children’s Hospital, Chadwick Center - Trauma Counseling Program (North) 760/967-7082, opt 3

www.sddvc.org Updated 1/20/15 Safety Planning Page 2

Taking time to think about steps to increase your safety and the safety of your children is important, whether you have left, are considering leaving, or are currently in an abusive relationship. You may call a domestic violence advocacy agency to assist you in safety planning. Call (800) 799-SAFE (800-799-7233) to speak with a confidential advocate or to be referred to an agency that specializes in domestic violence. You may also contact the Domestic Violence Service hotlines listed in the top section on Page 1. The National DV Hotline’s website for safety planning ideas and steps for internet safety: http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/

Jail & Prison Notification

Inmates may be released at any time of the day. You may register an email address and/or telephone number(s) with VINE (“Victim Information and Notification Everyday”) in order to be notified when an inmate is to be released, is pending release, or when they are to be transferred to a facility in another county or state prison. Call VINE toll-free at (877) 411-5588 or visit http://www.sdsheriff.net/victims to register online for this notification.

You may also visit “Who’s in Jail” to see current custody status http://apps.sdsheriff.net/wij/wij.aspx.

The San Diego County District Attorney’s Office offers an online resource providing information about a defendant’s pending court appearance: http://www.sdcda.org/case/index.php

Domestic Violence Shelters

There are shelters in San Diego County specifically geared to assisting domestic violence victims. In addition to housing and accommodations, most provide such services as support and information, legal assistance, and counseling. To contact Domestic Violence Services and Shelters, see that section of this guide for current shelter hotline numbers.

Ordering Police Report(s)

Domestic Violence victims have a right to one free copy of their police report. Contact the responding law enforcement agency in the jurisdiction in which the incident occurred. Requests for reports can be made to most jurisdictions through the mail or in-person. The following information is necessary to request a report copy: name of the parties involved, date and location of incident, and the report number if available. Bring identification if you go in-person to pick up your report.

Safe at Home - Confidential Mailing Address

Program participants are provided a confidential mailing address, at no cost, so that may use this instead of their home address. This mail forwarding program allows participants to safeguard their address when receiving first-class mail, opening a bank account, completing a confidential name change, filling out government documents, registering to vote, getting a driver’s license, enrolling a child in school, and more. You may call toll-free at (877) 322-5227 or visit http://www.sos.ca.gov/safeathome/applicants- participants.htm for information and a local enrolling agency.

RESTRAINING ORDERS

You can file for a restraining order at no cost. There are also no cost domestic violence clinics available to assist you in the application process. For a list of updated TRO Clinics and Family Law Facilitators locations and hours visit following website: www.sdcourt.ca.gov and select the “Family” tab and then select “Domestic Violence.” You may also visit www.sdsheriff.net/DV for more information on seeking a restraining order.

Arrive a minimum of two hours before the clinic closes. Be prepared to spend a minimum of one-half of a day to a full day at the court to obtain your restraining order. Space is limited at child care facilities at each court house. You are encouraged to make other child care arrangements.

Things to bring with you when you complete your paperwork, if available: The address for the person you would like restrained; date of birth for the person you would like restrained; physical description of the person you would like restrained; photographs of any injuries (if applicable); and a copy of the police report(s) if any. www.sddvc.org Updated 1/20/15

The San Diego Domestic Violence Council would like to thank the following members of the Teen Dating Violence Prevention Sub-Committee for their help and support towards the creation of the 2015 Teen Dating Violence Prevention and Awareness Month Activity Toolkit.

Jessie Towne-Cardenas Cherise Young Center for Community Solutions Olayinka!

Marcella Maggio Detective Kim Houry Center for Community Solutions San Diego County Sheriff’s Office

Jenny Harper Gabriela Baeza Delgado Center for Community Solutions San Diego County Office of Education

Josie Hall County of San Diego Health and Human Services Agency Maternal, Child, and Family Health Services Branch

San Diego Domestic Violence Council 430 F St, Chula Vista, CA 91910