4 HE-0953

Parenting and Emotional Self-Control

motional self-control is a practice Ethat involves being able to rec- ognize and consider one’s emotional experience and adapt one’s emotional behavior to the needs of the situation. Most parents would agree that raising children offers many opportunities to practice emotional self-control. Harsh words and behaviors that come from losing control of our emotions can damage the trust that is the founda- tion of our relationships with our children. Emotions naturally arise in response Keep emotions in a Control impulses. to the interactions we have with our manageable range. Especially under the influence of sud- den or strong negative emotions, some children. We can think of emotions We feel emotions at different levels of intensity. When emotions are strong, of us may feel the urge to lash out in as messages sent to remind us of our we feel a lot of energy pushing at us to some way at our children or others expectations, wants, and needs. When do or say something. When emotions we care for. Others of us may feel like escaping—getting away from them, we tune in to our emotions before are milder, we may not feel a strong urge to act. For example, we could feel turning our backs on them, or leaving we act, we are taking the first step in irked when a child behaves poorly, the room. Acting on these impulses being able to control our emotional or we could feel anger to the point of may seem “natural” and make us feel better in the short run, but these responses to our children’s behaviors fury. If we feel furious about our child’s behavior, our response may be louder high-emotion reactions rarely calm or (see HE-0952 to learn more about and harsher and more impulsive than resolve the situation. In the long run, increasing our self-awareness). The if we were feeling merely frustrated. if they happen regularly, they can cost us the trust of our loved ones. next step is to translate the messages When we recognize a rising emotion at a lower level of intensity, the infor- of our emotions into behaviors that The first step in controlling an intense mation carried in that emotion is more negative emotion in the moment you match our parenting goals and values. available to us to use in managing the feel it is to stop yourself from act- In this publication, we talk about self- situation. Regularly checking in with ing and speaking. Press the “pause our emotions makes us more aware of management skills that help us meet button.” Do not move toward or away what we can do or say before emotions from your child. Hold your tongue. the needs our children have for our rise to a higher intensity. Lowering your body can help lower best guidance and support. your emotional temperature—so if you are standing up, find a place to sit down.

www.aces.edu When you choose to pause and toler- ate the hot wave of an intense emo- Stressful thoughts and feelings Calming responses tion, you can regain your ability to use the thinking part of your brain to do I’ll never be able to fnish this! I will take this one day at a time. any of the following helpful things. (discouragement) Æ
Look for the message, or meaning, in the emotion that motivated the I always have this problem! This is a problem I have impulse. (hopelessness) experience handling. Æ
Find a different way to frame the My son never minds me! My son needs my frm guidence. situation. Æ
Think about what you want to ac- angry and disappointed that you lied Persevere in the complish in the present situation. to me. When you lie, you’re showing face of challenge. Æ
Think through the consequences— me that I can’t trust what you say.” In everyday life, problems and chal- for others and for yourself—of differ- Being clear about why we feel angry ent response options. lenges inevitably crop up. When they helps children understand why their do, the ability to calm the feelings that Æ
Check in with your values and behavior choices matter. This type of arise with them is an important part of goals. response also offers children a model being able to persevere. We can learn for how to communicate about their to calm them by first recognizing the Æ
Shift your attention to the “bigger own anger. Furthermore, when we picture.” negative thoughts we are thinking provide a clear statement about the that make us want to give up. Because values that motivate our feelings, these negative thoughts stir up stress- Express emotions in along with applying reasonable con- ful feelings, it’s important to respond appropriate ways. sequences, we give children valuable to them by telling ourselves calming guidance that can help them change things. Although our feelings arise in re- their behavior in the future. sponse to our interactions with others, they are ours alone to recognize and Not every situation requires that we share our emotions or the values Set goals and mark manage. We can’t usually control the progress toward them. situations that happen to us or prepare behind them. In fact, sometimes the ourselves for the emotions that come results of doing so would do more Having meaningful goals to work up in the moment, but how we express harm than good. In these cases, find- toward keeps us focused on the values the emotions we feel is a choice we ing ways to express those feelings and priorities that we believe are im- do control. Expressing our feelings later is still important. There are many portant for ourselves and our families. in ways that respect others as well as healthy outlets for releasing emotions, When we choose to notice how the ourselves is a skill we can improve. including the following: choices we make and the actions we take move us toward or away from For example, anger is an emotion Æ
Sharing the experience with a trusted friend or family member those goals, we hold ourselves ac- parents may feel in response to chil- countable in ways that can help us do dren’s misbehaviors. Some parents Æ
Writing in a journal better. express anger by yelling or by verbally Æ
Talking with a counselor or or physically threatening their child. Developing these abilities—to set religious/spiritual advisor Although these behaviors alert chil- goals, to work through challenges, dren to their parents’ disapproval, they Æ
Engaging in physical exercise and to tame our impulses, thoughts, don’t give children enough informa- or dance and emotions—is essential for gaining control of our lives. We support the de- tion to make better choices. A more Æ
Expressing ourselves through cre- velopment of our children’s emotional helpful response is to describe how ative arts, such as music or crafts the child’s behavior has affected us by self-control by being good models of giving voice to our emotion and the Knowing what we can do with our these self-management skills. message behind it. For example, “I feel feelings is a big part of being able to manage them in healthy ways.

Ellen Abell, Extension Specialist, Associate Professor, Human Development and Family Studies, Auburn University For more information, contact your county Extension offce. Visit www.aces.edu/directory.

Published by the Alabama Cooperative Extension System (Alabama A&M University and Auburn University), an equal opportunity educator and employer. HE-0953 New Oct 2014, HE-0953 © 2014 by the Alabama Cooperative Extension System. All rights reserved. www.aces.edu