What I Thought of by Matt Smith * MattfromtheHills.com FADE IN:

INT. A SERIES OF OFFICE BUILDINGS (V.O.) I hate my boss! He’s such a total chotch! You’re two minutes late, Bateman! Grumble grumble! I am comically exaggerated to the point that I’m not even remotely close to anything the audience will recognize as a real person. JASON SUDEKIS (V.O.) And my boss sucks too! I am also two-dimensional! I advocate poisoning an impoverished South American village! Literally! The HORRIBLE BOSSES are SUPERIMPOSED by captions indicating how horrible they are. They are slightly funny and aesthetically interesting, and consequently will cease to be employed. (V.O.) I also hate my boss. She keeps trying to rape me! Rape is hilarious! Slap me in the face with your XXXX. Put your XXXX in my XXXXX. Yes, these are real lines. And hurry Charlie, because I’m late for my imprint ceremony at the Chinese Theatre.

EXT. CEMETERY MARY PICKFORD rolls in her grave. 2.

INT. BAR JASON BATEMAN Let me float out the most obvious solution to our problem so that we can instantly quash it, thereby setting up the forthcoming frivolous inanity: (sigh) We should quit our jobs. SOME GUY If you quit your jobs, you’ll never get hired again! YOU HAVE THE LAST THREE JOBS IN THE UNITED STATES! CHARLIE DAY Oh my God! He’s right! I’ll never find work as a Dental Assistant anywhere else! JASON SUDEKIS I guess the second most logical thing is to kill our bosses then. JASON BATEMAN Ha ha... no, let’s not. Jason Sudekis rehearses his lines from Going the Distance. JASON SUDEKIS Vagina!

INT. OFFICE BUILDING Kevin Spacey DENIES Jason Bateman a promotion. It’s labored. KEVIN SPACEY You’re not going anywhere! You’re in it for the long haul! JASON BATEMAN Are you talking to me or the audience? Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston shows her requisite, contractually finagled SIDEBOOB. Elizabeth Taylor DIES AGAIN. JASON BATEMAN/CHARLIE DAY You’re right! Let’s kill our bosses! 3.

A FUNNY and GENERICALLY PLAUSIBLE SCENE happens that references Craigslist’s Men-Seeking-Men ads. It is quickly interrupted by:

INT. A SCENE IN AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN NIGHTCLUB Because BLACK PEOPLE are DANGEROUS. We also learn that INDIAN NAMES are HARD TO PRONOUNCE. JASON SUDEKIS We need to find a hitman! I’m a hitman. My name is Motherfucker. It’s hilarious because it’s an unconventional name. Let me explain it. AUDIENCE Please don’t. He does. The audience expects little and receives less. Charlie & the Jasons and Motherfucker make an arrangement in a series of scenes that, upon reflection, does not advance the plot. CHARLIE DAY Plus I reference the actor Danny Devito, the co-star of my television series. Nevertheless, Charlie and the Jasons decide to murder each other’s bosses. They start with a stakeout of:

INT. HORRIBLE BOSS COLIN FARRELL’S HOUSE Colin Farrell immediately speeds away in a sports car. Certain he’s off to do something more fun, the audience wishes they could go with him. For the next FIFTY REELS, Charlie and the Jasons clumsily stake out the houses until SOMETHING FINALLY HAPPENS. Kevin Spacey kills Colin Farrell out of a jealous rage, as Farrell’s character is the only one that does anything that is interesting. Jason Bateman witnesses it. He flees. 4.

INT. BAR WHERE THEY ALL REGROUP CHARLIE DAY So one of the bosses is dead and the other one will go to prison for the murder as long as we immediately stop doing the opposite of everything that is rational and report the crime? JASON SUDEKIS Plus I banged all the crazy out of your boss, Charlie, after she signaled me in with her phallically shaped foodstuffs. INSERT: Lingerie-clad Jennifer Aniston eats phallically shaped foodstuffs.

SOMEWHERE IN EUROPE The great granddaughter of Ingrid Bergman spontaneously begins weeping.

BACK IN THE MOVIE CHARLIE DAY Looks like everything’s fine! Now let’s try to sneak into some other movie! But the police arrest them before any of us can do that.

INT. INTERROGATION CHAMBER DETECTIVE Not so fast! A traffic camera caught Jason Bateman running a red light like a terrified wuss! That means you’re guilty of murder! JASON SUDEKIS Didn’t that sort of happen in Arrested Development? DETECTIVE RON WHITE (Ron White???) You guilty punks are going to be here a long time! 5.

JASON BATEMAN Are you talking to us or the audience? CHARLIE DAY Fourth amendment! Ipso facto! Latin phrases! A tenuous basic understanding of the law spoken with clumsy grandiloquence! JASON SUDEKIS Didn’t this definitely happen in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia? DETECTIVE RON WHITE You’re free to go. JASON SUDEKIS Now that we’re free, we should come up with a plan that incriminates us even more than the others we’ve contrived. Penis! JASON BATEMAN You’re right! Let’s go to Kevin Spacey’s house and audiotape his confession. The audience is forced to assume it makes sense.

INT. KEVIN SPACEY’S HOUSE JULIE BOWEN is throwing a surprise party for her husband. Jason Sudekis BONES HER. Kevin Spacey confesses to Jason Bateman and Charlie Day and draws a pistol on them. They flee without the audiotaped confession, ensuring that the movie will endure at least another 10 minute car chase. GPS ON-CALL NAVIGATOR I have sufficient evidence that you are committing a crime, so I’m shutting down your engine. It’s part of my job, I guess. JASON BATEMAN We should’ve taken my Toyota! Those things never shut off. Kevin Spacey catches up to them in his Escalade. 6.

KEVIN SPACEY Ha ha! I’ve got you now! But first, allow me to confess to the crime again! I love to confess! Confession confession confession! But also, I’m going to frame you! Kevin Spacey SHOOTS HIMSELF in the leg to convince the police that he’s been threatened. His supervillainry allows him to walk it off nine seconds later. CHARLIE DAY Crap, the police are here! BUMBLING DETECTIVE Bumble bumble bumble! KEVIN SPACEY I found out about their plan and they threatened to kill me! BUMBLING DETECTIVE Hmmmm. That would explain your self inflicted gunshot wound. Still, I’m unpersuaded. I am hereby detaining everyone and will interrogate each individually back at the station. (beat) Psych! Let’s sort it out here. I’ve got to get to Ralph’s before it closes. GPS ON-CALL NAVIGATOR No need. I recorded the entire conversation, including Kevin Spacey’s Shakespearian soliloquy of a confession... the one that happened ten feet outside of the car... With crystal clear fidelity... With the omnidirectional condenser microphone that apparently comes standard on the Volkswagen Jetta. The DETECTIVES immediately free Charlie and the Jasons. Scooby Doo gets a Scooby Snack. Charlie comes up with a solution to his problem that would have made sense 80 minutes ago. CREDITS ROLL to PERFUNCTORILY PERFORMED BLOOPER SCENES. No one can tell the difference.