The Meaning of Marriage Matters, Part 1: Capstones vs. Cornerstones: Diverging Blueprints for Modern Marriage1

For many, marriage is changing from a (c) It potentially places marriage beyond cornerstone to a capstone of young adult the perceived reach of many young life. Rather than building an adult life on a people. foundation of marital commitment, many young adults postpone marriage until they Ready or Not? have accomplished a set of tasks and achieved certain personal marks of success. A capstone model of marriage is supposed to lead to establishing a stronger foundation A recent national survey of Millennials on which to build a marital relationship. But (ages 18–33) found widespread acceptance we see several potential relationship of a capstone approach to marriage.2 engineering problems in how the capstone Between 70%–80% agreed that later model may lead to ineffective preparation marriage means that both people are more for marriage: mature, more likely to be good spouses, allows people to achieve personal goals so (a) Difficulties switching from an that they will have no regrets after getting individualistic focus to a couple focus; married, and provides more time to get (b) Casting marriage as a transition of loss; personal finances in order. and (c) Creating complex romantic Is the capstone approach to marriage a new relationship histories that teach the wrong model best suited to a new time, a sensible lessons. evolution of the way we do relationships and family now to fit a new century? Or is it a First, the capstone model, with its hallmark revolution in the meaning of marriage, one of delayed marriage, creates a longer period that impacts its capacity to benefit bless of individualistic focus in young adulthood individuals and society? While a capstone that may be challenging to flip to a model of marriage may work for some, we relationship-centered, couple focus at also see worrisome cracks in this new marriage. If marriage requires more of a cement. Specifically, we see three “we-dentity” than an “I-dentity,” how significant engineering flaws in a capstone straightforward is the transition to marriage model of marriage: and how easy is it to blend two different lifestyles together? (a) It can lead to ineffective, even paradoxical preparation for marriage Finding the compatible partner to match that may actually diminish eventual one’s strong lifestyle preferences can be a marital happiness; challenge, like fitting complex jigsaw puzzle (b) It elevates the risk of re-sequencing pieces together. Megan McArdle writes in family formation, putting parenting Newsweek, “when you’ve spent decades before marriage, thus placing building a life, it can be hard to find children’s well-being at greater risk; someone who fits with all the choices and you’ve already made about where to live, what hobbies and interests you will pursue,

1 what sort of hours you will work, and so commitment to the future transforms a forth.”3 And maybe those more-settled relationship. A non–full-commitment selves are averse to the personal remodeling relationship is not much like a full- that seems to be an inevitable part of commitment marriage, especially for men.5 building a functional marriage. To date, no study has found premarital cohabitation to reduce the risk of divorce. Of course, one argument for giving young Research has yet to confirm that pre- people more time to focus on themselves is engagement cohabitation without a full that they will get the typical young adult commitment to a future together is an angst and adventure out of their system, so effective marriage-preparation strategy. In that they are ready for the responsibilities of fact, it appears to be a risk factor for future marriage. Yet this logic has some rough marital problems.6 edges to it, too. For one thing, it can make marriage look as much like a transition of We know there is a broad belief in our loss as a transition of gain; marriage is the society that marrying young puts you at high end of youthful fun rather than the risk for divorce. This isn’t one of those beginning of a grand adult adventure. obtuse social science statistics that never Viewing marriage as a net loss might make goes beyond the pages of stuffy academic divorce seem more like a net gain when journals. It has sunk deeply into our cultural couples experience hard times. Moreover, knowledge and practice. This belief has fed some research suggests that extensive a widespread reluctance to consider premarital sexual experience, instead of marrying before the late 20s. satiating desire for post-marital sexual adventure, is a risk factor for future But this risk comes primarily from those infidelity. who marry before the age of 21, not from marriage among 21–25 year olds. Moreover, A third potential problem with a capstone this correlation—observed in the past—may approach to marital preparation comes from be disappearing with contemporary the relationship history that accumulates couples.7 We suspect that the couples who over a prolonged period of single young choose to marry at younger ages these days adult years. Not surprisingly, a longer period are very different from those 30–40 years of time before marriage often comes with an ago who married at young ages. In the past, eventful history of romantic and sexual many early marriages were so-called relationships.4 On the one hand, this would “shotgun weddings.” Today, shotgun seem to present a valuable love lab in which marriages have been replaced with shotgun to learn and practice needed intimate cohabitations or single parenting. Today, relationship skills. But what may seen like a those who marry at earlier ages probably do process for gaining valuable relationship so not because they have to but because they experience may be more akin to painting a want to, and they probably bring strong room than remodeling a home. What is views about the importance and value of being learned in the series of romantic marriage to their union. relationships common to the young adult years that precede marriage is usually not Also, researchers now are finding an enough to help couples create a strong interesting association between age of marriage. Despite its outward similarities of marriage and marital happiness. A number sharing a bed and possibly a residence, full of studies now are finding that the sweet

2 spot for maximizing marital quality may be bricks that build these families are placed marriage in the early-to-mid-20s. Marriages awkwardly, the structure is rickety and a that occur between 22–25 are a little capstone, if it comes at all, is likely to fall happier, on average, compared to late-20s off. marriages.8 Why? Perhaps it is easier to mold two lives together at earlier ages. Or Marriage Missed maybe those who marry earlier put more priority on marriage in ways that make it The capstone model of marriage emphasizes more satisfying. Whatever the reason for achieving certain milestones and getting this happiness bonus, the popular bias your life together before making the big against earlier marriage may be misplaced. commitment to a life-long union. But what about those who struggle to get it all Re-sequencing, Not Delaying together? Among the educated and well off, marriage rates are high and divorce rates are Another reason for a concern about the low. But this is not the case among the structural engineering of the capstone model disadvantaged.11 Nearly 25% of U.S. men of marriage comes from the real-life and 20% of U.S. women ages 40–44 have experiences of most people in our society never married. Thirty percent of men and who delay marriage. A capstone marriage is nearly 25% of women with just a high often talked about as simply a delayed school diploma have never married by the cornerstone marriage, a longer, scenic path time they reach their 40s. And more than a to get to the same destination. However, third of Black men and women have never delaying marriage in our culture today is married by age 44.12 One research rarely about just pushing back the wedding organization projects that 25% of today’s date. This is because, while the typical age young adults will never marry by about age of first marriage keeps getting pushed later 50.13 and later, few are pushing back sexual coupling. Keep the sex and companionship; For many young adults today, marriage delay the commitment and the sacrifice. seems to be more of a dream than a feasible possibility. When marriage is closer to But sex is not the only thing fragmented fantasy than reality, it means something from marriage in this new arrangement. For much different. It is hardly a foundation, or many, the delay of marriage means a as one scholar calls it, a life script for how to fundamental re-sequencing of family construct and live an adult life.14 formation. As a great deal of research is showing, marriage, if it comes, comes out of The problem is that the capstone model for place in an optimal sequence for forming building a marriage may be becoming stable, healthy families in which to rear dominant in our society at a time when far children.9 And this re-sequencing of family too many can’t or don’t follow the capstone formation is becoming our new normal. blueprint for success. This does not mean More than 40% of U.S. children are born to that the capstone model should be unwed parents.10 And more than 50% of first demolished and hauled off to the social births are now to unwed parents. The history dump; it does work for some. majority of young adults are not able to Instead, an additional workable model is follow effectively the capstone model’s needed. blueprint for marriage success. When the

3 A 21st-Century Cornerstone Model of marriage emphasizes molding a “we- Marriage dentity” rather than connecting “I-dentities.” In mathematical terms, a cornerstone model How would making marriage a cornerstone of marriage is closer to 2 ÷ 2 = 1 than 1 + 1 and guiding life script of early adult life = 2. work for more young adults? A cornerstone model of marriage is not First, a contemporary cornerstone model without its potential weaknesses (discussed does not dismiss the need for a certain more in the accompanying longer essay). maturing before marriage. A great deal of Still, those problems are not so daunting that maturing and personal growth occurs from they prevent all young adults from making 18–21. the commitment to marriage in their early years. In fact, a substantial minority of Next, a key element of the contemporary young adults marry in their early and mid- cornerstone model would be careful mate 20s, embracing a counter-cultural pattern of selection and intentional preparation for building a life on a foundation of marriage marriage. This would involve spending time rather than crowning a successful young and socializing in more productive places adult life with a matrimonial capstone. At when searching for a potential partner and age 25, more than 30% of young adults have then investing in a good marriage married (and another 25% desire to be preparation education program. married).15 The capstone model is not completely hegemonic; there is room for In addition, young married couples will those who see young adult life differently, probably need to accept a longer period of who want to make marriage the adventure of financial austerity in the early years of their young lives rather than a settling down marriage. Exotic and elaborate weddings from youthful adventures. will need to be shelved in favor of more modest plans. Some continued parental Opening up more cultural space, social support of married children in the early permission, and support for young adults to years of marriage would help too. marry at different (and younger) ages makes sense. Why would we think that one set of When couples marry in their 30s or later, the blueprints for building a successful marriage biological clock can lead to pressure to have should work for all? Many are willing and children right away. Marrying earlier can able for the commitment to marriage before ease the pressure to bear children in the their late 20s. Telling them they should wait early years of marriage, allowing both until they have checked off a uniform list of spouses to pursue educational or early work individual accomplishments and 20- goals, reduce financial debts, and further something adventures is strangely strengthen the foundations of their conformist. Marriage doesn’t have to be a relationship before children come along. crowning capstone that signals a status of successful young adult achievement, a status Another important element of a functional that many will find difficult to attain. For 21st-century cornerstone model of marriage some, it can be the foundation on which to is a greater emphasis on mutual growing build together all the walls and windows and together beginning in the more formative, rooms of a successful and happy life. soft-clay years. A cornerstone model of

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Pregnancy. Available for download at Endnotes http://thenationalcampaign.org/resource/making- love-connection-0 10 1 Manning, W. D., Brown, S. L., & Stykes, B. (n.d.). Scholars who contributed to writing this essay Trends in births to single and cohabiting mothers, include: Alan J. Hawkins, Brian J. Willoughby, Jason 1980–2013. Family Profile FP-15-03. National S. Carroll, and Dean M. Busby. 2 Center for Families and Marriage Research, Bowling Millennials and marriage: A study of millennial Green State University. Retrieved from attitudes. (2015). Brigham Young University School http://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family- of Family Life. 3 profiles.html; see also Sawhill, I. V. (2014). McArdle, M. (2013, May 30). The many cases for Generation unbound: Drifting into sex and getting married young. Newsweek. Retrieved from parenthood without marriage. Washington D.C.: http://www.newsweek.com/2013/05/29/many-cases- Brookings Institution Press, especially ch. 4; Wilcox, getting-married-young-237436.html 3 W. B. (2010). When marriage disappears: The retreat Shaw, J. (2013, April 1). Marry young: I got from marriage in middle America. In W. B. Wilcox married at 23. What are the rest of you waiting for? & E. Marquardt (Eds.), The state of our unions: Slate. Retrieved from Marriage in America 2010 (pp. 13–60). http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2013 Charlottesville, VA, & New York: National Marriage /04/i_married_young_what_are_the_rest_of_you_wai Project & Institute for American Values. Retrieved ting_for.html 4 from http://www.jdsupra.com/legalnews/national- Sassler, S., Addo, F. R., & Lichter, D. T. (2012). marriage-project-state-of-our-u-75207/ The tempo of sexual activity and later relationship 11 Wilcox, W. B. (2010). When marriage disappears: quality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74, 708- The retreat from marriage in middle America. In W. 725. 5 B. Wilcox & E. Marquardt (Eds.), The state of our Stanley, S. M., Whitton, S. W., Sadberry, S. L., unions: Marriage in America 2010 (pp. 13–60). Clements, M. L., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sacrifice Charlottesville, VA, & New York: National Marriage as a predictor of marital outcomes. Family Process, Project & Institute for American Values. Retrieved 45, 289–303. 6 from http://www.jdsupra.com/legalnews/national- Jose, A., O’Leary, D. K., & Moyer, A. (2010). Does marriage-project-state-of-our-u-75207/ premarital cohabitation predict subsequent marital 12 Analyses based on the U.S. Census Bureau’s 2013 stability and marital quality? A meta-analysis. American Community Survey. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72, 105–116; 13 Wang, W., & Parker, K. (2014, September). Teachman, J. (2003). Premarital sex, premarital Record share of Americans have never married: As cohabitation, and the risk of subsequent marital values, economics and gender patterns change. dissolution among women. Journal of Marriage and Washington, D.C.: Pew Research Center’s Social & Family, 65, 444–455. 7 Demographic Trends project. Retrieved from We examined the association between age at http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/09/24/record- marriage and risk of divorce in the American share-of-americans-have-never-married/ Community Survey and found no strong relationship 14 Hymowitz, K. S. (2006). Marriage and caste in between age of marriage and risk of divorce. 8 America: Separate and unequal families in a post- Hymowitz, K., Carroll, J. S., Wilcox, W. B., & marital age. Chicago: Ivan R. Dee. Kaye, K. (2013). Knot yet: The benefits and costs of 15 Hymowitz, K., Carroll, J. S., Wilcox, W. B., & delayed marriage in America. The National Kaye, K. (2013). Knot yet: The benefits and costs of Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned delayed marriage in America. The National Pregnancy, The Relate Institute, and The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. Pregnancy, The Relate Institute, and The National Retrieved from Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp- Retrieved from content/uploads/2013/03/KnotYet-FinalForWeb.pdf 9 http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp- Sawhill credits Marlene Pearson and Barbara Dafoe content/uploads/2013/03/KnotYet-FinalForWeb.pdf Whitehead with inventing the term “success sequence.” See Whitehead, B. D., & Pearson, M. (2006). Making a love connection: Teen relationships, pregnancy, and marriage. Washington D.C.: The National Campaign to Prevent Teen

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