No More 'National Velveeta' Introducing Thetube' Theweek's Bestshows
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The Daily Tar HeelThursday, March 31, 19885 No more 'National Velveeta' for the new and improved Liz J; By JOE BOS BRIGGS 1 For "I Liz y K Bob Hope: saw Taylor and a blow-dr- haircut to live out H todav. Isn't she areat? She turned Andy's fantasies for him (Steve I've been reading Liz Taylor's sideways and looked like two Bond in this flick, the guy that used new book. vpivppt-a- " "National cruise missiles were suspended in to be on "General Hospital"). - about how she was once a balloon mid-air.- " 2. AS mST.y Playboy bunnies as 1 in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade 2. For Joan Ri vers: "Don't you just Andy can bribe to pop'their tops V ik y , v . but today she's a tweety-bird- and hate her? Now she's got that (seven in this flick, including two she has a lot of in Sno-con- e. remarks there body that looks like a who do a Vegas topless-cowgi- rl dumping on John Belushi and Joan Am I right? Does this bother you? routine). Rivers who were the pioneers in Can we talk about this? The 3. At least 17 people have to be the Porky Liz Joke-a-ram- a. and she woman should have bubble gum killed on a certain day a says at certain we shouldn't tell jokes like stuck to her head, we can use her time, and Andy has a "Playmate that anymore 'cause it hurt poor to pick up pennies." impossible" team that can do the Lizzie's feelings and - here's the 3. For David Letterman: "I saw job. best part - John Belushi is one a picture of Elizabeth Taylor. 4. All of 'em are killed by being dead joker today and it's because Whoa! Was I out when this hap- blown up (this movie has a boome- of his "excesses." pened? Let's have a show of hands. rang with a bomb Scotch-tape- d to To l which wanna say. "Liz. How many people believe it's not it, and a remote-contro- l race car Honey. Listen up. You wanna be really Liz and Bo Derek had a head that runs up a surfboard, crashes ' '" I I anonymous? Co to Tahiti and hide transplant? I told you we should through a wall, and blows up some in the folds of Marlon Brando's never do that one, Paul. Bo Derek, bad guys so that their entire stomach. You wanna make more head transplant, it just doesn't bodies are scorched black like Wily TV movies with Robert Culp and make sense, what do you think, Coyote). get interviewed by Robin Leach Paul, should I do the next one?" 5. When in doubt, use a helicop- ' t - and play with Michael Jackson's 4. For John Belushi (R l.P.): "Nyah ter shot. chimpanzee? Get a grip on reality nyah nyah." 6. Breast Jamboree. ) SI . here, you went on the Donahue And speaking of double cruise This one is the ultimate Andy Show. BELUSHI didn't go on the missiles, the latest Andy Sidaris Sidaris movie. The plot goes to Donahue Show. You start talkin' flick is out. The man who wrote four exotic locations - Paris, like Cod punished Belushi for and directed "Seven." "Malibu Vegas, Hawaii and Uncertain, dressing up in drag and imitating Express" and "Hard Ticket to Texas, chief reasort on Caddo lake """ffltffllllltltMtTO you, then you better watch it, Hawaii," the ABC sports director - and is so complicated you can't Dona Speir, with spear, proving why she was a Breast Actress nominee 'cause YOU'RE the one best known as King Female that made the of ever figure out a single thing quez, Miss November 1984 AND a at our boat, Donna! That could 'Cleopatra,' and if Big Guy's Breast Exposures, man the the who that's going on, including the title. former California state cop, for have been us!" and (on the golf counting, one's was PERSONALLY n n that probably responsible for We're talking Drive-i- Hall of Fame. wearing a lizard-ski- sequined course) "Wanta putter around?"; by-pas- s - worth a quadruple min- missing seven hockey goals in aardvark-ing- . n the Sixteen breasts. Triple teddy, attempting to country-wester- John Aprea, as Picasso Trigger, for imum. Have another Fudgsicle." 1988 Winter Olympics at Calgary 23 dead bodies. Four motor dance and saying "I love getting blown away two different But best part in his Bazooka-firebal- I the of the book because he was trailer, vehicle chases. l you and need you and I want times and saying "Women! Easy is when she describes hap- staring - what at the breasts of Dona exploding Chevy.- Exploding sai- you" Liv Lindeland, 1972 Playboy come, easy go! well, were pened day they the she got nekkid in Speir, the star of his latest movie, lboat. Exploding jeep. Exploding Playmate of the Year, for doing expendable" Steve Bond, for front of mirror "could "Picasso Trigger" the and not - the man who Hovercraft. Exploding Mexican. something in this movie, I can't saying to the woman with the myself away HIMSELF tear from this awful put in the movie, sinking Gratuitous golf. Gratuitous remember what; Dona Speir, Miss hugest hooters ever seen on the 90-fo- ot vision." a putt reasons trained-dolphi- n for that show. Kung Fu. March 1984 and a 1988 nominee screen, "I've always LOVED your We couldn't either, Lizzie. It was have absolutely nothing to do Harpoon Fu. Boomerang Fu. Party for Breast Actress, for repeatedly back"; Guich Koock, former mayor like a traffic wreck. n skin-tig- ht with the plot - the man who has barge Fu. Drive-i- Academy Award wearing diving suits and of Luckenbach, Texas, for wearing But all right, just in case Bob offices in Playboy Building the on nominations for Patty Duffek, Miss getting herselves wet, and for fishing lures on his shirt and riding Hope is reading and he a Sunset so can needs few Boulevard just he May 1 984, as Patticakes the topless saying "The issue at hand is a a horse around Dallas; and Andy jokes to replace 30 jokes say "Hey, Babe, in the he's wanna be the cowgirl, for saying "I'm gonna hit woman who. sleeps with an inter- Sidaris, the one and only, for been telling for last 50 years, the movies?" - he's done it again. the Jacuzzi!" Kym Malin, Miss May national criminal and does it in the having every one of his actors say then here's some NEW Every co-cowgi- rl; material to time Andy makes a movie, 1982, as Kym the topless name of the United States govern- "Let's do it," and for writing the show you all NOTICED that we've the plot gets more and more Cynthia Brimhall, Miss ment!" Hope Marie Carlton, Miss line "You ready to boogie?" how teeney-tine- y Lizzie is, and complicated, but it always has the October 1985, for wearing a green July 1984, for listing her chief how now mini-dres- we'll give credit where following basic elements: Spandex s and earring a acting credit as a guest star on Four stars. Joe Bob says check credit is 1 . - - due. Soap opera actor with muscles concealed shotgun,- Roberta vas- "The and for saying "Look it out. Introducing The Tube' the week's best shows By JENNY LIVINGSTON Bonet Fest, followed by a new, but really that great looking) moon TV "Superman H" on ABC. Try to "Moonlighting," sorry, it's a repeat Assistant Omnibus EeBtor not necessarily improved, over her beasty boyfriend Victor answer this week's burning ques- from the 1986 season, but turn it it's time for us to stand up and "Cheers." coach is dead, Diane's (who's not really that bad). tion: When is Christopher Reeve on anyway and see if they used be counted. Too long have we gone and only time will tell if the Saturday going to get a real job, anyway? the soft-focu- s on Cybil's wrinkles endured in silence while art galler- show can withstand the loss. Saturday morning at last. Drag Monday back then, too. ies and ballets and symphonies get At the same time, CBS airs its yourself out of beet and watch Final four again, but not until 9 Wednesday all the juiciest writeups. Too long new docu-magazin- e, "48 Hours." "Pee Wee's Playhouse" on CBS. p.m., so get the tube warmed up Back from the grave, or at least have we suffered in the hands of This week they look at the big Scream every time they say the with "Kate and Ailie" and "Design- from the Stouffer's pizza com- the overcultured few, while we business side of NCAA basketball -- secret word. Sing along to every ing Women" on CBS. How thought- mercials, come Dick and Tommy masses w the must endure such as if there were any other side of song, and when your roommate ful of CBS to put all its liberated Smothers, as CBS airs the brand-ne- epithets as "couch potato" and NCAA basketball. calls you a dork and tells you to women's special programming on "Smothers Brothers Comedy "vidiot." We are not ashamed, Friday shut up, say "I know you are, but one night. Hour" at 8 p.m. we're coming out of the closet, we Never a very good night for what am I?" If you prefer exploitation to If feeling a schizoph- love TV and we're proud.