Hypocritical Moral Gestapo Must Be Stopped And
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v DTH Omnibus Page 3 Thursday November 9, 1989 Hypocritical Moral Gestapo must be stopped 1 : The Freddy Krueger doll "Whole Lotta Shakin Goin On," and Krueger movies so they can write news concrete-bunke- r movie theater where Item been pulled from national A- JQE BOB'S irresponsible, indecent, "juvenile releases about them. Funny thing, the Freddy Krueger movie is playing. - delinquent" behavior by teenage role though, they're able to watch them Watch it with the crowd of 14-to- -2 Item 2: Freddy's Nightmares, the models like James Dean and Marlon and remain unaffected. They don't who will be in there. TV show about America's favorite Brando. develop twitches in their necks or Observe them closely. scar-face- d boogey-ma- n, mrn-ff- may not last In other words, the forces of or- mutate into horrible blood-suckin- g, You will notice that they always another season due to "taste police" to get anything but an "X" rating ganized morality always set their sights nine-fingere- d cockroaches. Nope. know that Freddy is up on the screen groups that are pressuring TV sta- (movies with "X" ratings are virtu- on whatever movie or record or per- They're pretty much the same when and they are sitting in a chair. Screen tions to drop it. ally unreleasable, because many sonality is the most annoying to the the movie ends as when it started. ... chair. Screen ... chair. Movies ... Item 3: Two radio stations have newspapers refuse to carry X-rat- ed parents. Freddy Krueger is very an- Just a little madder. real life. They never get mixed up. been heavily fined by the FCC for advertising, and many theater chains noying to parents. And so they dream And what are they mad about? They never think Freddy is in the X-rat- what is called "indecent" behavior won't play an ed movie). up "scientific evidence" that, if you They're mad about Those People. chair and they are up on the screen. ' by disc jockeys. In other words, to sum all this up, watch enough of these movies, you'll The people that are Not Like Us. They never think Freddy is sitting in Item 4: Hastings Records, a large they're baaaaaaaaaaaack. suddenly start frothing at the mouth, The ones who aren't as intelligent as the chair next to them. They never national chain based in Amarillo, Tipper Gore and her friends. go off the deep end, and strangle your us. Them. They are the ones who think Freddy is going to come down Texas, has started labeling heavy-met- al Donald Wildmon and the Citi- sister, or maybe burn down the jun-- will watch Freddy Krueger and be- off the screen. And they never be- CDs with "parental consent zens for Decency in Tupelo, Missis- ior high school. come mass murderers. Not us. Not lieve they are going to become Freddy. advised" notices. sippi. If this is true; I would like to offer, you and me. Them. They're out there. See, they are intelligent human Item 5: A movie called Henry . Nineteen jillion zillion "concerned with all humility, my own brain for They're feeding on these movies and beings. They know the difference Portrait of a Serial KiUer has been rated parent" groups that think America is research. Wire me up. I've seen more these record albums. Soon they'll be between Freddy and us. X for a reason never before used being ruined by scary movies and of these movies than any living individ' maniac felons. It's only Tipper Gore who doesn't for its "tone." This translates, "We loudmouth rock-and-ro- ll DJs. ual. Test out your theories. Count Lemme tell you people something. know the difference. And you, don't know exactly why we don't like If this sounds familiar, it should. how many murders I've committed I know who They are. I get thou- Donald. Please, would somebody who it, we just know we hate it." It's exactly what these people's par- (it's fewer than you think). Ask my sands of letters from Them. I am per- loves these people see to it that they Item 6: The movie Leatherface: ents said in the '50s (if these people ex-wiv- es if I was any kinkier than sonally acquainted with more get some psychiatric help? Texas Chainsaw had Massacre III was not parents). They said it about your average Wall Street banker. heavy-met- al headbangers than Editors' Note: Normally we wouldn't released at Halloween as planned and movies like Creature from the Black But, of course, they won't. They Donald Wildmon will ever meet the run two foe Bob columm on the same may not be released for a while, be- Lagoon and The Day the Earth Stood won't test me and they won't test rest of his life. I would suggest that week ifyou bribed us, but every once in cause after two appeals and re-edi- ts, Still and Rock Around the Clock, and themselves. The leaders of these Donald do what I do. Go down to a blue moon, the man says something looks like it the movie won't be able sexually suggestive records like Legions of Decency watch the Freddy the nearest shopping-ma- ll eightplex that makes sense, and we feel obligated. 30 breasts and not one brain speaking of lost causes, I totally unethical behavior, Andy put 4 up Andy Sidaris last year Bob Briggs a scene in the movie of himself sit- f And the ABC sports director Joe ting in an office reading a copy of who spends most of his time point- "We Are The Weird," the official A I . ing cameras at the nekkid breasts of Joe Bob Briggs newsletter. Just so he y 1 " - i h w I II L2 Playboy Playmates and I said, -- n in fviwm n ' 11. if u could get a halfway decent review. 0 "Okay, Andy, listen. You've made And ever since then I've been Andy, you're my kind of guy! eight movies now, but the last five waiting for it to come out. And now, Thirty breasts, thirteen dead bod- 1 1 have made absolutely no sense." from the man who's won Emmys, ies. One necessary-to-the-pl- ot "Let's And Andy said, "I resent that. Andy Sidaris, comes the sequel to all get in the hot tub and relax" scene. Malibu Express made sense. There are Malibu Express, Hard Ticket to Ha- Exploding van. Exploding boat. Ex- only four that make no sense." waii, and Picasso Trigger, the only ploding Yuppie. Cocaine-infeste- d And so I begged him. I said, "Andy, movie ever made with four Playboy pineapples. Machete through the you are by far the finest director Playmates of the Month, a Playgirl back. Rooster show with Uzis. Hari-kar- i. working with Playboy Playmates, Man of the Year, Miss Tecate 1988, Kung Fu. Uzi Fu. Drive-I- n Acad- machine guns and exploding heli- the two-tim- e world champion Indoor emy Award nominations for Dona copters today . ." Speedway Motorcycle Racing Cham- Speir, Miss March 1984, for flying "What about the mutant killer pion, the "regional media spokesman" an airplane through a terrible storm snake in Hard Ticket to Hawaii." for Panasonic, and the world kung fu and saying "Shouldn't we get out of "Okay, you're the greatest direc- champeen. these wet clothes?" and putting the tor of deadly rubber snakes, too. But The basic plot is that Dona Speir plane on auto-pil- ot so she can change when you write this next script ..." and Hope Marie Carlton, the two blouses, and for being tied up by her "I've just about finished it," Andy undercover DEA agent Playboy Play- cowboy boots but not figuring out said. "It weighs about a pound and a mates from the last movie, are still how she could possibly get loose; Hope half." running around in jungle shorts, Marie Carlton, Miss July 1985, for "Well, Andy, put some scenes in cowboy boots and spaghetti-stra- p T-shi- rts getting stranded on a desert island there that make sense, okay? It would firing their machine guns at and saying "What do you say we check be a lot more enjoyable if, when drug smugglers, Filipino communist out the beach?"; Michael Shane, people blow up, we know who they guerrillas, and corrupt federal agents Playgirl's Man of the Year, for hav- and why they're blowing up. It while their two friends, Lisa London absolutely i are ing nothing to do in the . Jfl ' would help also if the girls that jump and Miss May 1984 Patty Duffek, movie; Dann Seki, as the dying Japa- I m . into the hot tub every ten minutes lounge around the pool a lot and talk nese admiral, for saying "The cancer had names we can remember. Little on speaker phones that look like Fax clutches ever tighter at my heart"; things like that go a long way, Andy." machines. There's something in there Teri.Weigel, Miss April 1986, .for And so Andy promised he'd do about how the Japanese stole all the saying "My ideology means far more better, and then I swear to God, gold from the Philippines in World to me than fame and adulation" right i h i - Clayma-tio- n I'm not making this up he had to War II, and there's a crazed before she whips off her blouse; Ro-dri- go is- Florida Ninja living on a deserted - - - - leave to go to and direct the Obregon, for exploding people X- I : ,".