frontmatter:frontmatter 9/22/09 12:28 PM Page i Pieces of Me Who do I Want to Be? Pieces of Me, Who Do I Want to Be? Published by EMK Press © 2009 EMK Press all rights reserved. unauthorized duplication prohibited to order, visit www.emkpress.com frontmatter:frontmatter 9/22/09 12:28 PM Page ii frontmatter:frontmatter 9/22/09 12:28 PM Page iii Pieces of Me Who do I Want to Be? Voices for and by adopted teens Edited by Robert L. Ballard EMK Press • Warren, New Jersey frontmatter:frontmatter 9/22/09 12:28 PM Page iv EMK Press, a subsidiary of EMK Group, LLC 16 Mt. Bethel Road, #219 Warren, NJ 07059 www.emkpress.com © 2009 by EMK Press, a subsidiary of EMK Group, LLC All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever with- out written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. This book is based on subjective information from sources believed to be reliable, and also includes the opinions and experiences of each of the authors of the arti- cles. We have made every effort to ensure accuracy and completeness based on the information available at the date when each article was written. However, completeness and accuracy cannot be guaranteed. This book may contain mis- takes and some information presented as fact may instead be an author’s judge- ment and/or opinion. This book does not replace consultations with licensed doctors or therapists. This book is sold without warranties of any kind, express or implied, and the publisher, editor, authors, and all individuals associated with the publication of this book expressly disclaim responsibility for any liability, loss, or damage resulting from the contents of this book. Publisher’s Cataloging in Publication data Ballard, Robert L. Pieces of me, who do I want to be? / edited by Robert L. Ballard. p. cm. Summary: A book for adopted and fostered teens that offers healing, help, and hope as they find, understand, and embrace the pieces that make up who they are. ISBN 9780972624442 1. Adopted children. 2. Teenagers--Psychology. 3. Adoptive parents. 4. Adoption-- Psychological aspects. 5. Adopted children--Family relationships. I. Title. HV875.55 .B35 2009 649/.145--dc22 2009934542 Manufactured in the United States of America 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 Cover and interior design by Carrie Kitze frontmatter:frontmatter 9/22/09 12:28 PM Page v Pieces of Me v I tell you this story because for too many years, people have told my stories for me. I am ready to speak for myself. So where do I begin? juli jeong martin This collection is dedicated in the spirit of Ned Levy and the many other adoptees, young and old, who seek to transform the world for the better through the expression of their voice – in story, music, art, poetry, and body. Ned’s story can be found on page 79. frontmatter:frontmatter 9/22/09 12:28 PM Page vi vi Table of Contents x With Thanks Bert Ballard 1 Introduction Pieces of Me, Who do I Want to Be? Bert Ballard Gathering the Pieces 5-38 5 Gathering the Pieces Bert Ballard 6 My Birthmark: Finding My Real Family Gerard Wozek 9 The Dance Stacy K. Pearson 10 My Search, My Lessons Jena Leddon 12 Finding My Mother, Finding Myself Sheena McFarland 13 Thanks to my Birthmother on my Birthday Shefalie Chandra 16 Grace’s Story Grace 18 Hat in Hand Stacy K. Pearson 20 Search for Connections Jennifer Arndt-Johns 23 A Little “Brother” Jaclyn Champnella 24 What Real Love Truly Is Marisa Cox 28 Bar Harbor Chris or My First Case of Girl Love Juli Jeong Martin 29 Onni and Me: A Lifelong Search for an Asian Role Model Hanna Sofia Jung Johansson 31 My Difference Alysia Sutupa Larson 33 Sock Bunnies Jessica Emmett 36 Blood Matters Angie Johnston 38 Draw How You Feel Stolen Pieces 41-80 39 Stolen Pieces Bert Ballard 40 They Say. Paula Louise O’Loughlin 41 How I Felt About My Baby Hannah Chadwick-Dias 41 I Cry Kim Eun Mi Young 42 Looking for Mary Grace 43 I Can’t Be Loved Judy M. Miller 44 Dear Mum Chris Abbott 45 “The Burn on my Hand” Juli Jeong Martin 47 The Drain Stacy K. Pearson 48 My Name is Amy Martin Amy Martin frontmatter:frontmatter 9/22/09 12:28 PM Page vii Pieces of Me vii 50 Some Thoughts About My Adoption Emma 52 Glove and Ball Stacy K. Pearson 53 Thirteen Years Cami Olson 53 We With Two Mothers Kim Eun Mi Young 54 Adopted and Abused IAM 55 ADOPTIONS Grace Cook 57 The Queen Redeemed Anonymous 59 Why I Cut Myself Sadan Rollings 60 The Test Kim Eun Mi Young 61 Being a Transracial Adoptee Deborah Collier 65 About a Boy Melinda M. Rosenthal 67 Cost of Connection: My Life Angel Coldiron, LPC 68 Sandcastles and Waves Marni Denenberg 69 Vanished Like Time Jasmine Renee Pyne 70 White Skin on My Hands T. Reid 72 Twenty-seven Juli Jeong Martin 73 Two Worlds Kim Eun Mi Young 74 Born Running Lisa Dickson 75 Postcards From the Edge Foster Care Alumni of America Fitting the Pieces 77-110 77 Fitting the Pieces Bert Ballard 78 The Lifelong Journey Angel Coldiron, LPC 79 I Am a Bastard Ned Levy 81 The Proverbial Bag of Crap 82 Out on a Limb Josie Brett 83 Our Echo Amy Alejandra Silverbrandt 87 Feeling Fostered Missy Kenny-Corron 91 Which One of These is Not Like the Other? Kelli Ann Smith 92 Happily Ever After Maisie Howard 93 Ben Benjamin Svetlozar Anders 94 Heritage Poem Kaitlyn Kraybill-Voth 95 Finding Rest in an “Adoptee” Culture Sarah Ballard 97 I Just Missed You, That’s All Patricia Dischler 98 My Pieces and My Daughter’s Pieces Mary Elizabeth Hart frontmatter:frontmatter 9/22/09 12:28 PM Page viii viii Table of Contents 101 The Road Stacy K. Pearson 102 I Think There Shoud Be a Law Margot Starbuck 105 Inner Soul Chloe Lauryn America Berger 106 Best Mates on the Bus Gina Hall 108 I’m Sending You Away for a Year to Save Your Life Julie Craft 109 Lauren’s Story Lauren Hamilton 110 The Collage Sharing the Pieces 111-136 111 Sharing the Pieces Bert Ballard 112 Voices of Children in Limbo 113 Who Am I? Jonathan Riley 114 Is it Me or My Mask? Angel Coldiron, LPC 115 A Use for Your Senses Sheila Black 115 Just a Thought Chris Abbott 116 To Tell or Not to Tell? A “Narrative Burden” Bert Ballard 117 This is My Life Bec, Jody, Ally & Kerry-Ann 119 Somewhere in the Middle Jared Rehberg 120 Three Wishes Shelia Black 120 Grounding Kathy Mason 121 Advice From a Teen Adoptee Katya Dato Chancellor 121 Owing Kim Eun Mi Young 122 battle cry/undone Juli Jeong Martin 124 Giving Back to My Homeland Kahleah Maria De Lourdes Guibault 125 Legacy Sheila Black 126 No More Running: Moving Beyond Foster Care Sarah Callihan 128 DNA Song Alison Larkin 129 Just Like You Bec, Jody, Ally & Kerry-Ann 129 An Innocent Grows Up Xiu Xiu Cooney 130 Coming Out Again Patrick McMahon 132 Waking Up America Jared Rehberg 133 Dear Lucy Amy Shore 134 A Bored Game Melanie Recoy 136 Tag Cloud T-Shirt Jessica Emmett frontmatter:frontmatter 9/22/09 12:28 PM Page ix Pieces of Me ix Where do These Pieces Go? 137-162 137 Where Do These Pieces Go? Bert Ballard 138 Red Streak of Blue Sky Jasmine Renee Pyne 139 My Mixed Race Perspective Susan Crawford 142 Dust to Dust Juli Jeong Martin 144 Polaroid Past Allie Moreno 145 Running from Racism Heidi L. Adelsman 147 Longing for You Lisa Douglass 148 How Do I Move Into the Light Kim Eun Mi Young 149 Mr. Yin Jenna Cook 151 The Girl at the Window Stacy K. Pearson 152 How I’ll Remain Xiu Xiu Cooney 154 Let It Go Chick Moorman 155 Precious Jade Jenna Cook 157 “I Don’t Know” Cindy (Champnella) Koenigsknecht 159 Pieces of Me Puzzles The Journey is only Begining 161 Ways to Connect 163 frontmatter:frontmatter 9/22/09 12:28 PM Page x x With Thanks With Thanks . This book is a special one to me as it touches on issues close to my heart and life. However, a project like this one involves more than one person, and I am indebted to these wonderful people for their personal and professional contributions to this book: Chi-Ying Jan, who kept Carrie and me organized and pointed in the right direction. I don’t know how she does it. Sheena Macrae, who was one of the original visionaries of the book and its first editor. I took over knowing she had already done so much. This book would not be possible with- out her. Carrie Kitze, who invited me to become a part of the project, guided me along the way, and is a pleasure to work with. Carrie is wise, generous, insightful, smart, and grounded. I could not ask for a better publisher or a better friend. Adria and Kyla, my two daughters, who have helped me gather my own pieces and be proud of what I share. Sarah Ballard, my life partner and, in many ways, a co-editor of this collection. This book could not have happened without her support, perspective, and ideas.