February 18, 2003 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY FEATURES Page 23

ProsoPOP!eia

All That and A Bag...... by R. Eric Thomas

So, basically, what I need is a a book to read on the long subway man-purse. There’s really no right down the island. True, you alternative. My messenger bags could stuff all of this in a briefcase are too big (and filled, always, or business satchel, but those sort with messages) and my pockets of things get unwieldy as the day are too small. In these cosmopoli- gets longer and more casual. It’s in Courtesy of alliedadvertisment tan times, it’s impossible to leave these instances that you, maybe Special Delivery: Playboy LL Cool J reveals his Prince Charming side just in time the house without a battery of just a little, envy the woman across for Valentine’s Day in the new romantic comedy “Deliver Us from Eva.” equipment to help you live your the subway car who seems to have life. Even the simplest trip to everything she could possibly class and lunch requires cell need—from eyeliner to a stapler— “Eva” Delivers for V-Day phones, cell phone chargers, in a square little Kate Spade bag PDAs, MP3 players, pain killers, that fits on her lap. SHIRLEY LONG making their decisions for them. The men con- teeth whitening strips, sunglasses, But men, men cannot carry Retriever Weekly Staff Writer stantly refer to her as “the sister-in-law from money, ID cards, credit cards, purses, not according to popular hell” or “the E-word.” debit cards, playing cards, and culture. Men need to learn to find Once upon a time, there were three After one incident where Eva throws business cards. How can the mod- ways of stuffing their pants with men—Tim, Michael, and Darrell. Each of them out of Mike’s own living room so she ern man keep up? When society everything they need, shoplifters in those three men fell in love with one of the can have a book club meeting, the men decide tells us we need the equivalent of their own closets. Pop culture says Dandridge sisters, the most beautiful women in to finally do something. They hire Ray (LL a small Radio Shack on us at all that if you’re carrying a man- the land. Tim married Kareenah Dandridge, Cool J, aka James Todd Smith; “Rollerball”), times, but doesn’t give a clue as to purse, you’re probably gay. And Michael wed Bethany Dandridge, and Darrell a player who bounces from job to job and city where to wear it, we must come not just a little gay. To wit, the first went steady with Jaqui Dandridge. But there to city, to take Eva out on a date. The plan is up with a solution. Enter the man- person I ever saw carrying a man- was one problem—Eva, the oldest of the to make Eva fall for him and then, when he purse. purse was RuPaul. Dandridge sisters who had every one of her moves, she’ll go with him and he can dump Pockets are no longer good But what’s so gay about a siblings tightly under her thumb. The solu- her. Meanwhile, Eva gets a once in a lifetime enough. Even as cell phones man-purse? One can change the tion—find Eva her own Prince Charming to job offer that would take her to Chicago and shrink to astounding sizes, the name, if that’s the problem. You get her out of the way so everyone can live away from her sisters. She’s reluctant to take sheer number of things one must could call it a Testosterone Tote or happily ever after. Sound like a fairy tale? Not it for that very reason, but is still considering carry makes the difference all but a Scrotum Sack. Whatever makes quite. It’s the premise for Gary Hardwick’s it when Ray comes into her life. After a few unnoticeable. Going out and buy- you happy. Because, truth be told, (“The Brothers”) latest film, “Deliver Us From stormy dates, the two eventually hit it off and, ing the teeny-tiny new Nokia man-purses aren’t actually gay. It’s Eva” (### stars). surprise surprise, the player falls in love, doesn’t do anything but give your a little known fact, but inanimate In the film, the situation is much more which is against “the rules.” Not to mention Palm Pilot room to breath. Even if objects can’t be gay. Who knew? A complex than any fairy tale you might read. the fact that Ray’s presence is only making our pockets could hold it all— partial list of inanimate objects Tim (Mel Jackson, “Soul Food”), a blue collar things worse for them at home, because all keys, wallets, cards, Electronic often perceived to be gay that are, businessman, and Kareenah (“Half and Half’s” their girls want to talk about is “Ray and Boutique—who would want to? in fact, not at all: Spongebob Essence Atkins), a doctor, are trying to decide Eva”. This means the men have to come up And who wants to jingle when Squarepants, the number 8, Ernie, whether or not it’s time to start a family. Mike with a plan B... they walk? Somehow I don’t think David Guest. (Duane Martin, “Woo”), a police man, and Overall, “Deliver Us From Eva” is a the line, “Is that a laptop in your Of course, to every rule, there Bethany (Robinne Lee, “National Security”), a warm, romantic movie with lots of strong pocket or are you happy to see are exceptions. Some inanimate beauty shop owner, want to have more time to comedic moments. The acting, while occa- me?” will ever catch on. objects that are, in fact, gay: themselves. Darrell (Dartanyan Edwards, sionally a tad over the top, is excellent, espe- What is a man to do? Abercrombie & Fitch, “Like a “Woo”), a postal worker, wants girlfriend Jaqui cially by the principals. As for the plot, it Naturally, there’s always the Prayer,” Bert, Lance Bass. (Meagan Goode, “Biker Boyz”), a full time came off as somewhat simplistic, yet was bookbag/messenger bag option. Now, when I say gay, I mean college student on scholarship, to move in complex and compelling enough to hold my But one never sees, say, 007 with homosexual not lame. A lot of peo- with him. They all have one problem in com- interest for 105 minutes. I probably wouldn’t a huge satchel slung over his ple use the word gay to mean lame, mon—sister-in-law Eva (Gabrielle Union, see this one in theatres again by myself, but it shoulder. And besides, sometimes but they are assholes. That’s like “Bring It On”), an uptight health inspector who would definitely top my list of potential date one finds oneself in that middle saying something is so Chinese and constantly provides her sisters with facts and movies (if only…). However, this is one film ground where the stuff you need meaning, I don’t know, fast. Is it statistics about relationships (although she’s I would definitely buy on DVD, without the to carry is too much to stuff into slang, is it a colloquialism? No, only been in one herself) and is, in essence, pre-purchase rental. your pockets, but too little to jus- you’re just misusing the word. tify carrying a bookbag. Say But that’s neither here nor you’re a handsome young cos- there. The point is, no matter how mopolite, living in New York lame a man-purse may or may not City, heading down to a job inter- be, it’s not gay. But the boundaries view and then catching the N/R to of our society aren’t flexible Brooklyn to meet a friend for enough to accept that just yet. lunch and a movie. You’ve got on We’re still at a point where we’ll a shirt and tie, but you’ll want to choose inconvenience over func- at least take off the tie for lunch, tionality simple to preserve age-old if not change the shirt as well. notions of manhood or what-have- And you’ll need your cell in case you. And that’s a shame. Because plans change. Of course, you this wallet bulge is ruining the look should carry a resume, and a of my ass. brush and mirror to make your best impression. You’ll need Better living through pop cul- money, cash or credit, and maybe ture: [email protected]