Talk Derby to Me “Psych” Season 3 Episode 7 by Tim Meltreger
Total Page:16
File Type:pdf, Size:1020Kb
Talk Derby to Me “psych” Season 3 Episode 7 by Tim Meltreger INT. HENRY’S HOUSE: FLASHBACK (1987), AFTERNOON (HENRY, LITTLE SHAWN, LITTLE GUS) HENRY Shawn? Shawn! Get in here a second. YOUNG GUS APPEARS IN A PURPLE SHIRT AND SLACKS. HENRY Gus, what are you doing here? YOUNG GUS I’m representing Shawn in this situation. HENRY Shawn! Get in here! YOUNG SHAWN WALKS IN. HE IS DRESED IN A WHITE AND RED STRIPED SHIRT WITH JEANS. HENRY Take a look around. YOUNG SHAWN Well, what am I looking at? HENRY Something’s missing. I took something of yours. You need to figure out what that is. YOUNG SHAWN Dad, you robbed me? HENRY No, robbery is the taking of property by force or fear. I’m not afraid of anyone in this room. YOUNG GUS So you’re a burglar, then? HENRY No, Gus. Burglary involves breaking in. This is theft, pure and simple. You need to figure out what it is, or you’re not getting it back. Concentrate. YOUNG SHAWN LOOKS AROUND, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT’S MISSING. SHAWN VISION: HE SEE’S THREE BB GUN BULLETS BY THE CURTAIN. LITTLE SHAWN GOES TO THE CURTAIN, LIFTS IT UP AND REALIZES THE GUN IS MISSING. YOUNG SHAWN You thief! You stole my BB gun! HENRY Technically, yes. Theft makes me a thief. You’re learning. YOUNG SHAWN So, can I have it back now? HENRY No. I told you not to play with it in the yard. It’s too dangerous. LITTLE SHAWN But you said if I figured out what’s missing, I… HENRY Shawn, thieves always lie. Remember that. YOUNG SHAWN How did you even know I was playing with it in the backyard? HENRY SMILES. SHAWN FROWNS AND SHIFTS FROM LOOKING TO HIS FATHER TO HIS BEST FRIEND. YOUNG GUS HAS A GUILTY LOOK ON HIS FACE. ZILK’S DEPARMENT STORE: NIGHT, PRESENT DAY SECURITY GUARD WALKING AROUND, DOING HIS ROUNDS. SOMEONEONE COMES UP FROM BEHIND AND KNOCKS HIM OUT. A ROBBERY TAKES PLACE ZILK’S DEPARMENT STORE: DAY (LASSITER, JULIET, SHAWN, GUS, VICK, STUART THE SECURITY GUARD) JULIET Mister Coburn, we are interested in anything you can tell us. STUART COBURN They were big and scary, these guys. JULIET Didn’t you say you didn’t see them? STUART That’s right. LASSITER Of course, they were big and scary. Look at this place. The man’s lucky to be alive. JULIET (TO LASSITER)Carlton, I’ve got this. (TO STUART)What time did you begin your shift? STUART 8:00 LASSITER BECOMES DISTRACTED AS JULIET TALKS TO STUART. HE SEES A MANNEQUIN WEARING A PLAID SHIRT AND A COWBOY HAT. THE MANNEQUIN MOVES. JULIET Are you the only watchman? STUART Yeah. JULIET Would you mind showing me where you were standing at the time of the attack? The MANNEQUIN CHANGES ITS POSITION.LASSITER THINKS HE’S SEEING THINGS. STUART Yeah. THE MANNEQUIN CHANGES ITS POSITION TO POINTING TO THE SKY. STUART I was walking through here… LASSITER GOES OVER TO INVESTIGATE THE MOVING MANNEQUIN. LASSITER Spencer! What the hell are you doing up there? SHAWN APPEARS TO BE THE MOVING MANNEQUIN. SHAWN Right now, I’m putting my hand in my pocket sans thumb, pointing at an imaginary seagull. But earlier, I got a call from the Chief. She sounded serious. Third break-in of it kind in as many months, no leads. LASSITER The chief told you that? SHAWN No, she did. (HE TURNS TO THE FEMALE MANNEQUIN NEXT TO HIM) She looks like the Venus de Milo, but she prefers to be called Traci, with an “I.” She saw everything. Said I should check the videos in the surveillance room. LASSITER The mannequin told you that? SHAWN No, the chief did. Come on, Lassy, keep up with me here. SHAWN THROWS HIS SUNGLASSES AT LASSY. HE STARTS TO TALK TO GUS WHO APPEARS TO BE SITTING ON THE MANNEQUIN TABLE, AS HE JUMPS DOWN. SHAWN Gus! I need you paying attention, do you think you can make that happen? GUS IS STILL SITITNG ON THE MANNEQUIN TABLE, READING A PHARMACEUTICAL PHAMPLET. GUS I only opened my book for a second, Shawn. You know I have to study for my exam. SHAWN Right. The RX something. GUS RX, Rep RX. Pharmaceutical Rep Recertification Exam. GUS HOPS OFF THE TABLE AND DROPS HIS PAMPHLET WHEN DOING SO. GUS BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP AND STARTS TO WALK WITH SHAWN. SHAWN That is the second worst name for a test ever. Right after the Proctological Practicum. GUS Well my job depends on it. And you said you were gonna help me. SHAWN I’m not sure how I can. You keep such sloppy notes. SHAWN LOOKS AT THE BACK COVER OF SHAWN’S PAMPHLET. THERE IS GREEN SLIME ON IT. SHAWN What is this green slime on your book? Did you just come from the Kids’ Choice Awards? GUS LOOKS AT THE BACK OF HIS PAMPHLET. GUS This place is filthy. SHAWN Maybe it’s a clue. GUS Maybe it’s urine. SHAWN Smell it. GUS I’m not gonna smell it, are you gonna help me or not? INT. SECURITY OFFICE ZILK’S (VICK, JULIET, LASSIER, SHAWN, GUS, STUART) STUART We’ve never had more than two people in this room. SHAWN It’s cozy, which means I’ll need everyone’s hands where I can see them. That means yours too, Chief. STUART Who is this? VICK That’s our psychic, Shawn Spencer. SHAWN Psychic and treasurer of the American Wicker Council. I’m up for re-election. I’m running on a rattan platform. STUART Stuart. SHAWN This is my favorite booster, Detective Carlton Lassiter. LASSITER Would you just play the tape? STUART PLAYS THE SECURITY FOOTAGE, THE WHOLE GANG EYES THE MONITOR CAREFULLY. LASSITER That’s a lariat move. These guys are ex- military, no question. JULIET Oh, and that one there’s calling the shots, so there appears to be a pattern here. VICK Well, detectives, when you know something, you can find me in my office. Excuse me. VICKS PUSHES PAST THE OTHERS IN THE CRAMPED OFFICE. SHAWN Ow! LASSITER Hey, Chief! SHAWN SEES SOMETHING ON THE MONITOR AS LASSITER TALKS ABOUT WHAT HE AND JULIET NEED TO INVESTIGATE. LASSITER All right. We definitely need to check out all the local paramilitary groups, the security contractors, ROTC. SHAWN Santa Barbara Ladies Auxiliary. LASSITER Huh? SHAWN Oh, they’re women. ZILK’S FITTING AREA (SHAWN, GUS) SHAWN IS TRYING ON CLOTHES WHILE GUS IS STILL STUDYING HIS MANUAL. GUS It can’t be women. This kind of think took some kind of muscle. SHAWN It’s a little shocking, isn’t it? Not as shocking as this. These are 31s and they’re really pulling through here. Make yourself useful, get me the 32s. GUS I don’t have time for this. Either you have something or you don’t. SHAWN VISION: NOTICES MARKS ON THE FLOOR. SHAWN Got it! Let’s go see the Chief. GUS You got it? SHAWN Well, let’s just say I’ve got suspects. SHAWN AND GUS LEAVE THE FITTING AREA AND WALK TOWARD THE DOOR. GUS Good. Let’s go and give them their names. I’ve got studying to do. How many suspects are we talking? SHAWN Mmm, give or take… THE ALARM GOES OFF. SHAWN IS STILL WEARING THE CLOTHES HE TRIED ON. SANTA BARBARA POLICE DEPARTMENT, INT. CHIEF’S OFFICE (VICK, LASSITER, JULIET, SHAWN, GUS) VICK 80 suspects? (Scoffs) Really, Mr. Spencer. It wouldn’t be possible, perhaps to narrow it down just a bit, would it? SHAWN Not without help. It’s a tight group, Chief. It’s a clique. It’s a sisterhood of the Ya-Ya variety. And it’s gonna take a lot more than a smile and a pack of Pall Malls to get ‘em to talk. LASSITER Not a problem. Tough-to-crack suspects are right in my wheelhouse. SHAWN Negative. We cannot go about this using a typical lassiterian technique. We need someone on the inside. VICK Are you saying you wanna go undercover? SHAWN Undercover? Yes. Me? No. Unfortunately, I’m not qualified for this sort of thing. LASSITER Don’t worry about it, Spencer. I’ve been itching to do some undercover work. (TURNS TO CHIEF ENTHUSITICALLY) And I’ve got a new mustache guy. SHAWN I like where your head’s at, because this is gonna take a very specific skill set. (HE MASSAGES LASSITER’S SHOULDERS AND KNEELS DOWN TO HIS LEVEL) There is only one person in this room that can pull it off. I’ve just got one question. (SLAPS LASSITER’S BACK AND TURNS TO JULIET) Can you skate? INT. ROLLER DERBY RINK (JULIET, SHAWN, GUS, HENRY) ANNOUNCER And it’s looking like we’re in for an excruciating jam, as Maniac cuts through the pack like a machete. JULIET APPEARS SKATING IN HER ROLLER DERBY UNIFORM. ANNOUNCER That defense has better get on the defensive, or else! JULIET PUNCHES A SKATER COMING UP FROM BEHIND. ANNOUNCER Ooh! Look out below! JULIET HITS ANOTHER SKATER. ANNOUNCER Berman Auditorium is about to become the garden of beatin’! And its’ Miss Anthropy around the outside! One more turn, yeah! HENRY Don’t let her through. Don’t let her through. Pick her up! Pick her up! GUS,HENRY AND SHAWN ARE SITTING IN THE CROWDED STANDS IN THE FRONT ROW. GUS IS STILL READING HIS STUDY MATERIAL, HENRY IS BEING A CRAZY FAN AND SHAWN IS AMUSED.