Talk Derby to Me
“psych”
Season 3 Episode 7
by
Tim Meltreger
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE: FLASHBACK (1987), AFTERNOON (HENRY, LITTLE SHAWN, LITTLE GUS)
HENRY Shawn? Shawn! Get in here a second.
YOUNG GUS APPEARS IN A PURPLE SHIRT AND SLACKS.
HENRY Gus, what are you doing here?
YOUNG GUS I’m representing Shawn in this situation.
HENRY Shawn! Get in here!
YOUNG SHAWN WALKS IN. HE IS DRESED IN A WHITE AND RED STRIPED SHIRT WITH JEANS.
HENRY Take a look around.
YOUNG SHAWN Well, what am I looking at?
HENRY Something’s missing. I took something of
yours. You need to figure out what that
is.
YOUNG SHAWN Dad, you robbed me?
HENRY No, robbery is the taking of property by
force or fear. I’m not afraid of anyone
in this room.
YOUNG GUS So you’re a burglar, then?
HENRY No, Gus. Burglary involves breaking in.
This is theft, pure and simple. You need
to figure out what it is, or you’re not
getting it back. Concentrate.
YOUNG SHAWN LOOKS AROUND, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT’S
MISSING. SHAWN VISION: HE SEE’S THREE BB GUN BULLETS BY THE
CURTAIN. LITTLE SHAWN GOES TO THE CURTAIN, LIFTS IT UP AND
REALIZES THE GUN IS MISSING.
YOUNG SHAWN You thief! You stole my BB gun!
HENRY Technically, yes. Theft makes me a
thief. You’re learning.
YOUNG SHAWN So, can I have it back now?
HENRY No. I told you not to play with it in
the yard. It’s too dangerous.
LITTLE SHAWN But you said if I figured out what’s
missing, I…
HENRY Shawn, thieves always lie. Remember that.
YOUNG SHAWN How did you even know I was playing with
it in the backyard?
HENRY SMILES. SHAWN FROWNS AND SHIFTS FROM LOOKING TO HIS FATHER TO HIS BEST FRIEND. YOUNG GUS HAS A GUILTY LOOK ON HIS FACE.
ZILK’S DEPARMENT STORE: NIGHT, PRESENT DAY
SECURITY GUARD WALKING AROUND, DOING HIS ROUNDS. SOMEONEONE COMES UP FROM BEHIND AND KNOCKS HIM OUT. A ROBBERY TAKES PLACE
ZILK’S DEPARMENT STORE: DAY (LASSITER, JULIET, SHAWN, GUS, VICK, STUART THE SECURITY GUARD)
JULIET Mister Coburn, we are interested in anything you can tell us.
STUART COBURN They were big and scary, these guys.
JULIET Didn’t you say you didn’t see them?
STUART That’s right.
LASSITER Of course, they were big and scary. Look at this place. The man’s lucky to be alive.
JULIET (TO LASSITER)Carlton, I’ve got this. (TO STUART)What time did you begin your shift?
STUART 8:00
LASSITER BECOMES DISTRACTED AS JULIET TALKS TO STUART. HE SEES A MANNEQUIN WEARING A PLAID SHIRT AND A COWBOY HAT. THE MANNEQUIN MOVES.
JULIET Are you the only watchman?
STUART Yeah.
JULIET Would you mind showing me where you were standing at the time of the attack?
The MANNEQUIN CHANGES ITS POSITION.LASSITER THINKS HE’S SEEING THINGS.
STUART Yeah.
THE MANNEQUIN CHANGES ITS POSITION TO POINTING TO THE SKY.
STUART I was walking through here…
LASSITER GOES OVER TO INVESTIGATE THE MOVING MANNEQUIN.
LASSITER Spencer! What the hell are you doing up there?
SHAWN APPEARS TO BE THE MOVING MANNEQUIN.
SHAWN Right now, I’m putting my hand in my pocket sans thumb, pointing at an imaginary seagull. But earlier, I got a call from the Chief. She sounded serious. Third break-in of it kind in as many months, no leads.
LASSITER The chief told you that?
SHAWN No, she did. (HE TURNS TO THE FEMALE MANNEQUIN NEXT TO HIM) She looks like the Venus de Milo, but she prefers to be called Traci, with an “I.” She saw everything. Said I should check the videos in the surveillance room.
LASSITER
The mannequin told you that?
SHAWN No, the chief did. Come on, Lassy, keep up with me here.
SHAWN THROWS HIS SUNGLASSES AT LASSY. HE STARTS TO TALK TO GUS WHO APPEARS TO BE SITTING ON THE MANNEQUIN TABLE, AS HE JUMPS DOWN.
SHAWN Gus! I need you paying attention, do you think you can make that happen?
GUS IS STILL SITITNG ON THE MANNEQUIN TABLE, READING A PHARMACEUTICAL PHAMPLET.
GUS I only opened my book for a second, Shawn. You know I have to study for my exam.
SHAWN Right. The RX something.
GUS RX, Rep RX. Pharmaceutical Rep Recertification Exam.
GUS HOPS OFF THE TABLE AND DROPS HIS PAMPHLET WHEN DOING SO. GUS BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP AND STARTS TO WALK WITH SHAWN.
SHAWN That is the second worst name for a test ever. Right after the Proctological Practicum.
GUS Well my job depends on it. And you said you were gonna help me.
SHAWN I’m not sure how I can. You keep such sloppy notes.
SHAWN LOOKS AT THE BACK COVER OF SHAWN’S PAMPHLET. THERE IS GREEN SLIME ON IT.
SHAWN What is this green slime on your book? Did you just come from the Kids’ Choice Awards?
GUS LOOKS AT THE BACK OF HIS PAMPHLET.
GUS This place is filthy.
SHAWN Maybe it’s a clue.
GUS Maybe it’s urine.
SHAWN Smell it.
GUS I’m not gonna smell it, are you gonna help me or not?
INT. SECURITY OFFICE ZILK’S (VICK, JULIET, LASSIER, SHAWN, GUS, STUART)
STUART We’ve never had more than two people in this room.
SHAWN It’s cozy, which means I’ll need everyone’s hands where I can see them. That means yours too, Chief.
STUART Who is this?
VICK That’s our psychic, Shawn Spencer.
SHAWN Psychic and treasurer of the American Wicker Council. I’m up for re-election. I’m running on a rattan platform.
STUART Stuart.
SHAWN This is my favorite booster, Detective Carlton Lassiter.
LASSITER Would you just play the tape?
STUART PLAYS THE SECURITY FOOTAGE, THE WHOLE GANG EYES THE MONITOR CAREFULLY.
LASSITER That’s a lariat move. These guys are ex- military, no question.
JULIET Oh, and that one there’s calling the shots, so there appears to be a pattern here.
VICK Well, detectives, when you know something, you can find me in my office. Excuse me.
VICKS PUSHES PAST THE OTHERS IN THE CRAMPED OFFICE.
SHAWN Ow!
LASSITER Hey, Chief!
SHAWN SEES SOMETHING ON THE MONITOR AS LASSITER TALKS ABOUT WHAT HE AND JULIET NEED TO INVESTIGATE.
LASSITER All right. We definitely need to check out all the local paramilitary groups, the security contractors, ROTC.
SHAWN Santa Barbara Ladies Auxiliary.
LASSITER Huh?
SHAWN Oh, they’re women.
ZILK’S FITTING AREA (SHAWN, GUS)
SHAWN IS TRYING ON CLOTHES WHILE GUS IS STILL STUDYING HIS MANUAL.
GUS It can’t be women. This kind of think took some kind of muscle.
SHAWN It’s a little shocking, isn’t it? Not as shocking as this. These are 31s and they’re really pulling through here. Make yourself useful, get me the 32s.
GUS I don’t have time for this. Either you have something or you don’t.
SHAWN VISION: NOTICES MARKS ON THE FLOOR.
SHAWN Got it! Let’s go see the Chief.
GUS You got it?
SHAWN Well, let’s just say I’ve got suspects.
SHAWN AND GUS LEAVE THE FITTING AREA AND WALK TOWARD THE DOOR.
GUS Good. Let’s go and give them their names. I’ve got studying to do. How many suspects are we talking?
SHAWN Mmm, give or take…
THE ALARM GOES OFF. SHAWN IS STILL WEARING THE CLOTHES HE TRIED ON.
SANTA BARBARA POLICE DEPARTMENT, INT. CHIEF’S OFFICE (VICK, LASSITER, JULIET, SHAWN, GUS)
VICK 80 suspects? (Scoffs) Really, Mr. Spencer. It wouldn’t be possible, perhaps to narrow it down just a bit, would it?
SHAWN Not without help. It’s a tight group, Chief. It’s a clique. It’s a sisterhood of the Ya-Ya variety. And it’s gonna take a lot more than a smile and a pack of Pall Malls to get ‘em to talk.
LASSITER Not a problem. Tough-to-crack suspects are right in my wheelhouse.
SHAWN Negative. We cannot go about this using a typical lassiterian technique. We need someone on the inside.
VICK Are you saying you wanna go undercover?
SHAWN Undercover? Yes. Me? No. Unfortunately, I’m not qualified for this sort of thing.
LASSITER Don’t worry about it, Spencer. I’ve been itching to do some undercover work. (TURNS TO CHIEF ENTHUSITICALLY) And I’ve got a new mustache guy.
SHAWN I like where your head’s at, because this is gonna take a very specific skill set. (HE MASSAGES LASSITER’S SHOULDERS AND KNEELS DOWN TO HIS LEVEL) There is only one person in this room that can pull it off. I’ve just got one question. (SLAPS LASSITER’S BACK AND TURNS TO JULIET) Can you skate?
INT. ROLLER DERBY RINK (JULIET, SHAWN, GUS, HENRY)
ANNOUNCER And it’s looking like we’re in for an excruciating jam, as Maniac cuts through the pack like a machete.
JULIET APPEARS SKATING IN HER ROLLER DERBY UNIFORM.
ANNOUNCER That defense has better get on the defensive, or else!
JULIET PUNCHES A SKATER COMING UP FROM BEHIND.
ANNOUNCER Ooh! Look out below!
JULIET HITS ANOTHER SKATER.
ANNOUNCER Berman Auditorium is about to become the garden of beatin’! And its’ Miss Anthropy around the outside! One more turn, yeah!
HENRY Don’t let her through. Don’t let her through. Pick her up! Pick her up!
GUS,HENRY AND SHAWN ARE SITTING IN THE CROWDED STANDS IN THE FRONT ROW. GUS IS STILL READING HIS STUDY MATERIAL, HENRY IS BEING A CRAZY FAN AND SHAWN IS AMUSED.
HENRY Pick her up! Somebody pick her up!
SHAWN I couldn’t have called a better assignment.
HENRY Yeah, right, you’re a rocket scientist. I thought the police had a suspect from the roller derby like a month ago. Seven, seven…
SHAWN Seven Deadly Cinderella.
HENRY GROANS AS HE CONTINUES TO WATCH THE MATCH.
SHAWN Yeah, but it didn’t go anywhere.
HENRY What did you find that go Chief Vick back onto this roller derby angle?
SHAWN Oh, just everything. The damage. The hand signals. The scuffmarks on the floor were caused by 62mm core composite competition skate wheels.
HENRY RAISES AN EYEBROW AT HIS SON. SHAWN SHRUGS.
SHAWN Vick wouldn’t buy it until I threw in some roller babble. But think about it, who better for smash-and-grab job than an organized team?
HENRY You think they were all on wheels?
SHAWN At least one of them was.
HENRY What makes you so sure it was one of these teams?
SHAWN Gus, you wanna take this one?
Gus What?
Shawn Check the schedule. These are the only two teams who were off on all of the nights the break-ins occurred. We call that detective work. It’s a rare and beautiful thing. Like clubbed thumbs.
Gus I don’t know how we’re gonna solve this case. These women scare me.
Henry Are you kidding? It’s a cake assignment. I used to do some security work for the roller derby back in the day. Now, those broads, they knew how to get the job done. This is, I don’t know, this is like a fashion show. These broads, they can’t, they’re not…
SHAWN And that’s why we brought you down here, Pop, to hear you say “broads” repeatedly. But why don’t you explain to us how all this works?
HENRY All right, look, you see the one with the star on her helmet? She’s the lead jammer. She scores points when she passes the opposing skaters. (POINTS TO A SKATER REACHING DOWN TO HER ANKLE) All right, look at her. Right there. The one they call Fox? You see, she’s reaching down. She’s up to something. You see that piece of tape? Number 13, she been marked. She’s gonna get hit. She’s gonna be taken down. Watch this. Watch it. Here it comes.
SKATER 13 IS SHOVED DOWN AND FALLS DOWN TO THE GROUND.
ANNOUNCER Oh! And there’s another one for the suicide seats! And it’s happy times for Westwood, Wilde and Captain Denise “Kamikaze” Fox.
SHAWN This is our only chance to snoop around, Gus. Let’s go. (TO HENRY) Dad, you all right?
HENRY Hit her! No, hit her now! She’s down!
SHAWN (To GUS) He’s fine.
HENRY Would you… hit!
SHAWN AND GUS WALK THE PRERIMETER OF THE ROLLER DERBY RINK.
GUS What are we doing, Shawn?
SHAWN Well, for starters, we’re both growing mustaches, very, very slowly. (BOTH HE AND GUS STEP OVER A FALLEN SKATER THAT LANDS ON THE SIDELINES) But we’re also investigating.
GUS This is Juliet’s investigation. We’re gonna blow her cover. We need to stay out of her way.
SHAWN You’re exactly right, Gus. (STEPS OVER ANOTHER FALLEN SKATER) Or we do the exact opposite. I vote for number two.
SHANW AND GUS ARRIVE AT THE OUTISDE DOOR OF THE WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM
SHAWN Be my lookout.
GUS No, there’s only a few minutes left, Shawn, and you wanna go inside…
SHAWN IGNORES GUS AND WALKS INTO THE LOCKER ROOM. GUS SCOFFS, LEANS AGAINST THE WALLS AND RESUMES STUDYING)
INT. GIRL’S LOCKER ROOM (SHAWN)
SHAWN OPENS UP THE LOCKERS AND BEGINS TO INVESTIGATE. HE OPENS THE LOCKER BELONGING TO FOX AND THERE IS A BROKEN WATCH. SHAWN VISION: THE SECUIRTY FOOTAGE OF SOMEONE SMASHING THEIR WATCH. HE OPENS TOXIC WASTE’S LOCKER AND SEES A FLIER AND A TICKET FOR CATALIMA SUNSET CRUISES, THURSDAY AUGUST 7TH. HE CLOSES THE DOOR AS HE HEARS SOMEONE OPEN THE LOCKER ROOM DOOR. HE HIDES AS TOXIC WASTE COMES TO GET SOMETHING. SHE LEAVES. HE CONTINUES HIS SEARCH AND LEAVE SHORTLY AFTER.
EXT. THE GIRL’S LOCKER ROOM
SHAWN (TO GUS) Worst lookout ever. You didn’t see the girl walk in?
ROLLER DERBY RINK AFTER THE MATCH (SHAWN,GUS,JULIET,WILDE,WESTWOD,FOX)
WILDE And I round this corner, and there’s Maniac. And I’m like “Where’d she go?” and She’s like “Where’d who go?” She moves pretty good for fresh meat.
WESTWOOD That’s totally a compliment. Where’d you learn to skate like that?
JULIET Oh, you know. College roller skate team. And Xandau.
WESTWOOD That’s funny. I get it.
JULIET Yeah.
FOX STARES AT HER, JULIET SMILES AND SKATES OFF. WILDE IS TALKING TO ANOTHER TEAMMATE ABOUT THE MATCH WHILE SHAWN AND GUS STARE FROM AFAR.
WILDE I came around the corner, and I…
GUS (TO SHAWN WHO IS STARING AT WILDE) Dude, you are leering.
SHAWN And if by leering you mean staring oddly in a creepy way, yes. But it’s for an investigation, Gus. (LOOKING AT THE OTHER SKATERS) They’re al scraped up from burglarizing. Burglarization? Burglarism?
GUS Of course they’re scraped up. It’s a full-contact sport.
SHAWN (LOOKING BACK AT WILDE)Uh-huh? And since when do we get injuries underneath our elbow pads? And that’s a glass cut on the other one. Check it out.
GUS LOOKS AT ONE ROLLER DERBY GIRL AND THEN TO THE POSTER GIRL WEARING SHORT SHORTS AND SHORT TOP IN HIGH HEELS.
SHAWN That’s leering.
JULIET SPOTS SHAWN AND GUS AND SKATES OVER TO THEM QUICKLY.
JULIET Shawn, what are you guys doing here?
SHAWN I’m moving no this case. I’m pretty sure I’ve found the extrasensory vortex in this building.
JULIET Where?
SHAWN Women’s locker room, which as it happens, is a place I’ve always wanted to hang out. So it’s totally a win-win.
JULIET (ROLLS HER EYES) Shawn, I get this is how you work, but this is not how we are going to be doing things. I am lead detective, and this is first and foremost a police investigation. So, if we are going to be partners, we are going to be doing things my way.
SHAWN All kidding aside, I got some serious vibes in there. And possibly athlete’s foot.
JULIET Great, I’ll check it out and come by your office later, but right now, I need you guys to get out of here!
FOX AND WILDE SKATE OVER TO SEE WHO JULIET IS TALKING TO.
FOX Is this guy bothering you, Maniac?
JULIET Wilde, Fox, this is…
WILDE I know who this guy is, we see gawkers like him all the time around here.
SHAWN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY, POINTING AT HIMSELF.
FOX Real easy to spot. There’s always one thing off about them. Clothes. Hair. Teeth.
SHAWN You just named my three best features. Fourth on the list, posture. Fifth, elocution. (STICKS OUTS HIS HAND TO FOX) ManiacManiac19, president pro tem, Maniac Fan club. (LOOKS TO GUS) This is my vice president, Longbranch Pennywhistle. (GUS GIVES A LITTLE BOW) I’m just looking to score a little face time with the Maniac here, you know, for the blog.
GUS 689 hits and climbing.
JULIET Nothing I can’t handle. I was just about to give him an interview. It was only gonna be two words.
SHAWN Oh (BOTH HE AND GUS LAUGH)
WILDE Okay, come on. (SHE AND FOX LEAVE JULIET WITH THE BOYS)
SHAWN (To JULIET) I’ll see you tonight. Bring the outfit. One of us might wear it.
JULIET Get lost!
INT.POLICE STATION, AFTERNOON AFTER THE MATCH (VICK, JULIET)
VICK EYES JULIET WHO IS STILL IN HER ROLLER DERBY ATTIRE, SITTING AT HER DESK.
VICK O’Hara. Might I have a word? In my office.
JULIET ROLLS INTO VICK’S OFFICE.
JULIET Oh, sorry, Chief. I have to break these things in and you know how my family is cursed with bad arches, right?
VICK Please take them off.
JULIET I was just gonna suggest it.
VICK Later.
JULIET SITS DOWN AS VICK READS OVER JULIET’S REPORT.
VICK Did you break somebody’s nose?
JULIET (GIGGLING) Yes, I did. Thank you.
VICK GIVES HER A LOOK.
JULIET Oh! But it was a clean hit. It was actually more of dislocation. You know, it just popped right back in.
VICK GIVES HER ANOTHER ANNOYED LOOK.
JULIET Yeah. She curled into my wingspan so I totally justified. We’re friends now. She has a cat.
VICK I’m concerned for your safety and that this might be a mistake.
JULIET No,no,no it is not a mistake. It’s actually a very smart call. I have found a scad of priors on my suspects. Aggravated assault. Battery. Oh! And Reckless endangerment.
VICK So, you’re saying putting you in danger is a bonus?
JULIET I’m telling you I can handle myself.
VICK I didn’t want to do this in the first place. And I’ll be candid, O’Hara, you tend to dive in a little too deeply when you go undercover.
JULIET Look, Chief, first off, roller derby is better than therapy. If I were into that sort of thing. And secondly, these girls, they’re not making any money. Most of them are paying out of pocket and they are all the right element for this kind of behavior.
VICK Hunches and profiles are not gonna keep this thing going. I need concrete proof.
VICK (CONT.D) Soon. And I want every single one of those suspects from that security video.
JULIET Done.
JULIET STARTS TO GET UP AND SKATE OUT OF THE OFFICE.
VICK Oh, um, this is a typo, right? $800 for skates?
JULIET STOPS AND TURNS AROUND TO FACE VICK.
JULIET Would it help if I told you the other pairs weren’t cute at all?
VICK Get me results. Hurry.
JULIET LEAVES THE OFFICE AND RETURNS TO HER DESK. AS SHE STARTS TO UNTIE HER SKATES, HER CELL PHONE RINGS.
JULIET Yeah. This is Maniac.(LISTENS) Oh, yeah. (LISTENS) Tonight? (LISTENS) Yeah, I can keep it quiet. (LISTEN) Okay, I’ll be there.
INT.PSYCH OFFICE, NIGHT TIME (SHAWN, JULIET)
JULIET WALKS IN NOT WEARING HER SKATING GEAR OR A SUIT, BUT A ZEBRA TOP SHIRT AND JEANS. SHE’S HEADING OUT SOMEWHERE.
JULIET (SIGHING) I’m sorry I’m late. (LOOKS AROUND THE OFFICE. IT APPREAS SHAWN HAS A SET UP A ROMANTIC DINNER) Oh, my god. Is there somebody here? Are you on a date?
SHAWN (LAUGHING) No,no,no,no,no,no. I just, uh… I didn’t know if you would be hungry so I just… I threw something together quickly.
JULIET Uh, look we gotta get right to this. I was just at the station and I rally think I am on to something.
SHAWN That’s great. We have all night to talk about it. Gewurztraminer? (HOLDS UP A WINE BOTTLE)
JULIET Yes. No,no,no,no. I can’t stay. I just got a call from one of the girls. Are those crab cakes?
SHAWN Yes, they are. With dill and coriander. Which girl are we talking about?
JULIET They call her Toxic Waste, but her name is Shelly. Said she was talking to some of the other girls and that they were very impressed by me and that I am perfect for something that they have going on downtown tonight. (AIRQUOTES) A “money making opportunity.”
Shawn vision: CARIBBEN CRUISE TICKET IN TOXIC WASTE’S LOCKER.
SHAWN Jules, don’t go.
JULIET Shawn, I ran some of their names. They have records.
SHAWN I’ve already eliminated Toxic Waste. She wasn’t at the break-in.
JULIET I don’t think you understand. I am undercover right now, and things can get real stick real fast.
SHAWN Sticky, how?
JULIET Shawn?
SHAWN Jules, listen. This thing that’s happening tonight, it’s not what you think it is. Now, sit down. Have some endives.
JULIET Shawn are we working together, or not?
SHAWN Yes, technically, we’re working together on this case. But you know what? Jules? I’m not feeling particularly together right now.
JULIET Then support me. Because I really think I am on to something. Now, I gotta go, and you’re either in or you’re out.
JULIET PICKS UP A CRABCAKE AND WALKS OUT THE DOOR. SHAWN IS CONFUSED, BLOWS OUT THE CANDLES AND FOLLOWS AFTER HER.
EXT.WAREHOUSE LOCATION, NIGHT (LASSITER, JULIET,SHAWN)
A GROUP OFFICERS ARE THERE SPREADING OUT TO COVER THE AREA. SHAWN IS SITTING ON THE FRONT OF LASSY’S CAR, LOOKING ANXIOUS.
JULIET Okay, north exit, south exit. Nobody gets out.
UNNAMED OFFICER Yes, Ma’am.
SHAWN GETS OFF THE CAR AND GOES UP TO JULIET
SHAWN Jules. You do realize we’re outside of a warehouse?
JULIET That’s not the point, Shawn. Even if it’s a not a burglary it’s very likely some kind of peripheral criminal activity.
SHAWN This place isn’t like any of the others.
JULIET Look, I am really sorry I have to do this to you but…(LOOKS TO CARLTON) Carlton?
LASSITER WHO IS TALKING TO THE OTHER OFFICER, HEARS JJULIET CALLINGI HIM. HE TELLS THE OFFICERS HE’ll be right back.
SHAWN Jules!
LASSSITER Spencer. You’re in the way. Go.
SHAWN GOES BACK TO THE CAR AND WATCHES.
LASSITER All right. We’re gonna let her get in here and on her signal,(LOADS HIS GUN AS JULIET WALKS TO THE DOOR OF THE WAREHOUSE) we’re gonna light this candle.
JULIET LOOKS TO LASSITER FOR THE OKAY. HE CONFIRMS THE ALL READY AND SHE PUSHES OPEN THE DOOR REVEAL A MUSIC VIDEO SHOOT.
DIRECTOR OF VIDEO SHOOT Cut! Brilliant! Beautiful!
JULIET (WHISPERS BACK TO LASSITER BACK) Stand down!
DIRECTOR Do it again! Reset the playback, please!
SANTA BARBARA POLICE DEPARTMENT, CHIEF VICK’S OFFICE, NIGHT (VICK, LASSITER, JULIET, SHAWN)
VICK A music video shoot? I sent nearly a doesn’t uniformed officers, and six black-and-whites, and none of your suspects were even there. Now, I’m gonna need a pretty damn compelling reason not to pull the plug on this one, O’Hara because right now, we’ve got nothing.
SHAWN It was me. I felt a vibe. I got a message.
VICK GIVES HIM A LOOK, NOT ENTIRELY BELIEVNG HIM.
VICK You did?
SHAWN Yes. Turns out it was a major metaphysical snafu. O’Hara said it was a non-start, I threw a tantrum. I was crying and kicking and stamping my little feet. (LOOKS DOWN AT HIS OWON FEET) I mean, they’re not abnormally small.
VICK O’Hara?
LASSITER Look, Chief, I can get results. Let me in on this.
SHAWN Sure, Chief. Lassy seems like a smart choice. We know he’s a demon on wheels and of course, he’s so very good with women. Under the circumstances, I might consider you, Carlton, but you’re never more obvious than when you go undercover. Perhaps you’ve forgotten the prosthetic nose debacle of 2005.
SHAWN VISION: THE LIST OF ITEMS STOLEN ITEMS THAT ARE ON VICK’S DESK
JULIET Chief, we are definitely on to something. And last night’s robbery fits the pattern we’ve seen between criminal activity and specific teams. We've narrowed it down to a few suspects.
SHAWN Three suspects. Teammates, friends, pen pals. Solid suspects.( flashback of RITA LEATHAL WEAPON WESTWOOD, FOX, WILDE)Maybe four. Possibly five. Ah, six could…
VICK Now Mr. Spencer. The idea is t have fewer suspects. You don’t get paid by the suspect.
SHAWN I see us closing this by tomorrow.
VICK Tomorrow, then.
JULIET Absolutely.
VICK Fine, but I’m gonna need results without another incident, Metaphysical or otherwise. You’re all dismissed.
OUTSIDE OF VICK’S OFFICE IN THE STATION (SHAWN, JULIET, GUS)
SHAWN Wow. She really unloaded on us.
JULIET Sighing Thank you for taking the heat on that one, Shawn.
SHAWN Jules, that’s how it goes when you’re partners. (THEY WALK PAST A BENCH WHERE GUS IS STILL STUDYING FOR HIS EXAM. HE JUMPS UP AS THEY PASS AND JOIN THEM) If I could only count the number of times that Gus has let my cheese in the wind.
GUS What?
SHAWN Nothing. Study on, buddy. Arteriosclerosis. Rosacea. Croup.
JULIET Croup?
SHAWN You’ll just have to owe me one. Or you can get me one of these bracelets. (LIFTS UP HER SLEEVE TO ADMIRE HER FRIENDSHIP BRACELET) They come in teal?
JULIET Can’t do.
SHAWN Can’t do teal?
JULIET No. Westwood gave it to me. It’s a roller derby thing. You’ll have to think of something else.
SHAWN Fine. You can dial back the Maniac routine. Stop pulling rank on me.
JULIET Okay.
SHAWN Ordering me around.
JULIET Fine.
SHAWN And smoothing are on you until we nab someone.
JULIET I wanna figure out the next step by seeing how you work. I wanna get close to your process, get some hard evidence.
GUS Yeah, Shawn. That’s a good idea. Why don’t you bring her right in on your process?
SHAWN Jules, here’s the thing. Close is good. Very close is even better. But not for this. My process is not a tandem bike. It’s a unicycle. Now, you belong at practice. I can see Fox. You gotta keep an eye on her.
JULIET That’s gonna be really difficult. She’s always surrounded by Westwood and Wilde. Perfect. Keep an eye on them, too.
INT. PSYCH OFFICE, AFTERNOON (SHAWN, GUS)
SHAWN IS WRITING ON A CLEAR DRY ERASE BOARD.
SHAWN There. The lists from Vick’s desk. And they make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
GUS (EATING CRABCAKES AND STILL STUDYING) Why don’t you try arranging them in alphabetical order?
SHAWN That’s not the point, Gus. They stole a DVD of “Spanglish.” Clearly, they weren’t after the merchandise.
GUS That’s not exactly hard evidence, Shawn.
SHAWN Thank you, Professor No Help.
GUS What?
SHAWN I’m sorry, did you miss that? Maybe I should’ve said “No Help,” or “Doctor Do Nothing,” because you’re bringing nothing to the table.
GUS I have a test, remember? No pass, no job. No job, no driving you around. Besides, you’re doing perfectly fine with your new partner.
SHAWN (SCOFFS) Who, Jules?
GUS “Who, Jules?” What? Who do you think?
SHAWN Don’t be jealous.
GUS I’m not jealous.
SHAWN Don’t be vexed. You’re still number one on my MySpace page. Jules and I are just working a case together. Nothing more.
SHAWN VISION: 33 SPEED FREAK, ATOMIC SKATE GEL GREEN OIL FOR WHELS. FLASHBACK TO PREVIOUS DAY AT ZILK’S, SHAWN: WHAT IS THIS GREEN SLIME ON YOUR BOOK? DID YOU JUST COMEM FROM THE KIDS’ CHOICE AWARDS? GUS: THIS PLACE IS FILTHY.
SHAWN Wilde was there.
GUS What?
SHAWN Cynthia “Speed Freak” Wilde was there at Zilk’s during the break-in. She uses this green oil to lubricate her skates. (HOLDS UP GUS’ PAMPHLET) Looks like she left some behind. Good clue, buddy.
GUS So you have Fox with the broken watch and now Wilde. Why don’t you call the cops?
SHAWN According to the tapes at the store, there were at least three more. If we don’t get all of them, they’re just gonna keep doing their thing. That is the oath of thieves, Gus. That is the code of the roller girl.
GUS I never thought I would hear you say that.
SHAWN Even more than “sinkhole sissy feet flapjack go-go boots”?
GUS IGNORES HIM AND EATS THE CRABCAKES IN FRONT OF HIM.
SHAWN (PICKS UP THE OFFICE PHONE AND CALLS JULES, WAITS FOR HER TO ANSWER) Juliet isn’t answering her phone.
GUS Mmm.
SHAWN (COVERS THE PHONE HE’S HOLDING) You know, those crab cakes are, like, three days old or something.
ROLLER DERBY RINK
FOX Okay, remember, Maniac, the key is to just get through the pack.
JULIET (GROANING) Whatever it takes. Well, we don’t want to injure anyone in practice, do we?
WILDE Of course not, but if someone’s shoulder has to get dislocated, well, just make sure it isn’t yours. Back to it, boss?
JULIET Wait, Where’s Lethal?
FOX Oh, Westwood? She had to split a second ago. Go visit her mother. (PUTS ON HER HELMET) Let’s go kick some ass.
JULIET Cool. I’m just gonna grab something.
FOX Okay. See you on the track.
GIRL’S LOCKER ROOM (JULIET, WESTWOOD)
JULIET Westwood, hey!
WESTWOOD IS BY HER LOCKER, CLEANING IT UP.
WESTWOOD Hey.
JULIET You leaving?
WESTWOOD Yeah.
JULIET Everything okay?
WESTWOOD Well, I have to go meet my boyfriend. He’s kinda got car trouble, so…
JULIET Oh!
WESTWOOD I have to go.
JULIET Oh!
WESTWOOD Yeah, well, uh he’s kinda stranded out on the Mesa somewhere.
JULIET Okay. All right, well, make sure bring him to the bout tomorrow.
WESTWOOD Yeah, I’ll try. Yeah.
JULIET See you later.
WESTWOOD LEAVES. JULIET, ONLY NOW, LOOKS UP AND SEESS A TILE IN THE CEILING THAT’S NOT LINED UP PROPERLY. SHES PUSHES OVER A CONTAINER AND STANDS ON TOP IF IT WITH HER SKATES STLL ON. SHE PUSHES THE TILE UP AND DISCOVERS HAND SCANNERS. SHE GETS FINGERPRINTS FROM THEM.
DRIVING THROUGH SANTA BARBARA IN THE PSYCH MOBILE, NIGHTTIME (SHAWN,GUS)
CELL PHONE RINGS
SHAWN (DRIVING,GRABS THE RINGING CELL PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND ANSWERS IT) Jules.
JULIET (STILL IN THE LOCKER ROOM) Shawn, I found a couple of handheld scanning machines here at the hall. You feel anything on scanning machines?
SHAWN Scanning machines?
JULIET Yeah. For making copies.
SHAWN Ah. No,no. Copying devices are notoriously unreliable psychic fetters. (LOOKS OVER TO GUS WHO IS STUYIDNG WITH A LITTLE BOOK LAMP ATTACHED TO HIS STUDY MATERIALS) Now, if they were three-hole punchers, different story.
JULIET Okay, well, I’m gonna look around some more, but I wanted to let you know Westwood left practice early today. She gave me some lie, and then she just took off.
LISTENING TO JULIET, SHAWN AND GUS PULL UP TO THE ROLLER DERBY PARKING LOT. THEY SEE WESTWOOD EXIT AND HEAD OVER TOWARD HER TOYOTA PICK UP TRUCK.
SHAWN I’m getting something now. Street clothes, green tank top, jeans, belt…terrible, terrible belt.
JULIET Do you see her?
SHAWN En mi cabeza, Jules. I’ve got a psychic track on her now.
JULIET (GAME BELL RINGS IN THE LOCKER ROOM, SHE HEARS IT) Okay, I’ve got to go. Call Lassiter if you find anything out.
SHAWN Of course, I’ll call Lassiter. (CLOSES THE PHONE AND SCOFF) I’m not calling Lassiter.
SHAWN SEES WESTWOOD GET INTO HER TRUCK.
SHAWN (TO GUS) Follow the bouncing Westwood.
GUS (AS THEY ARE TAILING WESTWOOD THROUGH THE STREETS OF SANTA BARBARA)Not too close. She’s gonna see us! (AT A STOPLIGHT, CLOSE ENOUGH TO SEE INTO HER TRUNK) Dude. Is that…
SHAWN What?
BACK OF THE TRUNK SHOWS SOMETHING THAT RESEMBLES A HAND STICKING OUT OF A BLANKET.
GUS I think there’s a body in the back of that truck.
SHAWN (LAUGHS) Gus, it’s not a body.
GUS It is. That’s a hand.
SHAWN Dude, this test has got you all jacked up. You’re not thinking straight. You’re too distracted trying to remember the difference between Lermacil and Hermacil.
GUS Lermacil is for fever blisters. Hermacil is for eczema.
SHAWN And, what about chermacil?
GUS No such thing as Chermacil, Shawn.
SHAWN See you have been studying,
KINDA-ISH SHAWN VISION: SEES A HAND
SHAWN Sweet Fantasy Island. That is a body.
GUS I told you. Not too close.
SHAWN Gus, Westwood is ditching a body. That’s the break in the case that we need.
GUS What we need is to call Lassiter like Juliet said. And back off a little, she’s gonna see us.
SHAWN We’re not calling Lassiter. You know how this works. I really have to explain it to you every single time? (WESTWOOD’S CAR MAKES A TURN)
GUS You just lost Westwood.
SHAWN Damn it.(Turns THE CAR AROUND AND FINDS WESTWOOD PARKED BY A BOATING DOCK)Bingo.
WHEN THEY ARRIVE, WESTWOOD HAS ALREADY FINISHED DUMPING THE “BODY” AND DRIVES AWAY.
SHAWN Let’s go.
GUS I’m not going out there.
SHAWN Dude, it’s only gonna take a second.
GUS SCOFFS.
SHAWN You cannot sit here alone in the dark in a parked car. You’ll get picked up for mopery.
GUS Mopery?
SHAWN With intent to creep. Trust me, it’ll kick a big hole in your future.
BOTH GO DOWN TO THE DOCK AND LOOK INTO THE WATER TO SEE IF THEY SEE ANY THING. SHAWN SIGHS
SHAWN I guess it wasn’t a body.
THEN A BODY FLOATS UP. GUS GASPS AND RUNS UP THE GANGPLANK AS SHAWN STARES INTO THE WATER AND THEN LOOKS AROUND FOR GUS.
SHAWN Gus?
BOATING DOCK, MORNING (LASSITER,VICK,SHAWN,GUS)
LASSITER (LAUGHS) Well done, Spencer. I don’t know, Chief, want me to try and get her statement? Of course, I don't speak Mannequin.
THE DEAD BODY TURNS OUT TO BE A STORE MANNEQUIN.
VICK Cute. You might want t hold off on that, because we still have all the merchandise from the Zilk’s burglaries. (TO SHAWN) Excellent work, Mr. Spencer.
SHAWN Thanks, Chief. It’s all right. I accept your apology.
VICK So the burglars weren’t after the merchandise.
SHAWN That’s right. (TAKES OFF THE ARM OF THE MANNEQUIN)
VICK So what were they after?
SHAWN STARTS TO COUNT THE FINGERS ON THE MANNEQUIN. LASSITER IS STARING AT HIM.
SHAWN One,two,three,four five. Five,four. Four,five.
VICK What?
SHAWN I’m seeing four and I’m seeing five. Lassy, four and five!
LASSITER Nine? The number nine?
SHAWN No. Four times five.
VICK 20?
SHAWN Five and 20. Five times 20.
VICK 100
SHAWN Minus four times four times five.
LASSITER Four times four times five?
GUS 80.
VICK No, 20. 100 minus 80 is 20. We all have our math facts straight,( SHAWNS HOLDS UP THE MANNEQUIN TO HIS HEAD IN A THINKING MANNER) Mr. Spencer. Is this going somewhere?
SHAWN Skater number 20. She’s the one who dumped all this stuff.
VICK That’s Rita “Lethal Weapon” Westwood.
LASSITER Okay, great. We got one. We need all of them.
SHAWN Correct. This is bigger than Westwood. A lot bigger. Juliet’s close.
VICK Okay. Lassiter, let’s get someone on the lookout for any more dumping sites around town.
LASSITER AND VICK GO IN ONE DIRECTION, SHAWN AND GUS IN THE OTHER.
SHAWN We’ve got to get to Zilk’s and we’ve gotta check something out.
GUS If you say pants, I’m gonna sock you in your Adam’s apple.
SHAWN Sock you in your crotch, damn it.
SOMEONE IS OVERLOOKING THE DOCK IN THE PARKING LOT. THEIR PHONE RINGS.
WILDE Hey, it’s me. Listen, we got a situation.
FOX (THE VOICE ON THE OTHER LINE) What?
WILDE Westwood screwed up again, huge. The cops found everything. If they get to her she’s gonna talk.
FOX This is bad.
WILDE Yeah, and it gets worse. Maniac’s fan boy is also here.
FOX Doing what?
WILDE He’s working with the cops.
FOX Are we compromised?
WILDE I don’t know. But after we handle Westwood, I think we need to have a talk with Maniac.
ZILK’S DEPARTMENT STORE, AFTERNOON (SHAWN, GUS, STUART, FEMALE OFFICE EMPLOYEE)
GUS What are we doing here, Shawn? We already know it wasn’t the merchandise.
SHAWN But it was something else. Let’s go.
GUS SIGHS. THEY WALK UP TO A MANNEQUIN. THE MANNEQUIN IS WEARING THE SAME EXACT OUTFIT THAT GUS IS WEARING.
SHAWN Dude, I can’t believe this. You lifted your look right off this mannequin.
GUS On the contrary, Shawn. Clearly, someone is stealing me look.
SHAWN Right. I did see Tommy Hilfiger creeping from bush to bush, sketching you.
SHAWN VISION: SEE THE ROLLER SKATE MARKS LEADING TO AN OFFICE MARKED WITH “EMPLOYEES ONLY.”
SHAWN And we’re moving. But your friend can’t come.
GUS LOOKS IN THE MIRROR THEN AT THE MANNEQUIN. HE THEN FOLLOWS SHAWN.
SHAWN The Thieves were after something in this room.
GUS Dude. We can’t go inside there. Read the sign.
SHAWN “Laura Noid. Employee of the month.” You know her?
GUS Not that one. “Employees only.”
SHAWN Gotcha. Be my lookout.
Gus No problem. I’ll just keep it safe and be outside.
SHAWN IGNORES HIM AND SHOVES HIM IN FIRST. FEMALE OFFICE EMPLOYEE WITH HEADPHONES IN EARS, SCREAMS. SHE APPARENTLY WAS SHREDDING SOMETHING AND UNAWARE THAT TWO MEN HAD JUST ENETERED.
SHAWN It’s okay. It’s all right. My name is Shawn Spencer. This is my partner…(BLANKS OUT) I can’t believe I’m blanking. I’ve done this a million times.
GUS Nice work.
FEMALE OFFICE EMPLOYEE Office, Code Blue.
SHAWN It’s okay. We’re not here to rob you.
FEMALE OFFICE EMPLOYEE Well, your buddy stole the clothes right off the mannequin.
GUS (LOOKS DOWN AT HIS OWN CLOTHES) These are my clothes!
FEMALE OFFICE EMPLOYEE Look, we don’t keep the cash back here. This is the credit department.
GUS We just want to talk to you about the burglary.
FEMALE OFFICE EMPLOYEE Oh, do you, Mannequin Man?(GRABS A CAN OF PEPPER SPRAY) Well, why don’t you tell that to my little can of pepper spray?
GUS Whoa, whoa
SHAWN Hey, chill, chill, chill!
SECURITY GUARD BURST THROUGH THE CLOSED DOOR. IT’S STUART.
SHAWN Stuart!
STUART Shawn!
SHAWN Tell her!
STUART It’s all right. These guys are with the police.(STUART LOOKS AT GUS THEN TO SHAWN)Why is your friend dressed like the mannequin?
GUS That mannequin is dressed like me! Thank you. Can we go, Shawn?
SHAWN Hold up. What were you doing over there?
FEMALE OFFICE EMPLOYEE Oh, uh… it’s Friday. I was shredding credit card applications. It’s the only fun thing I get to do.
Shawn vision: CREDIT CARD APPLICATIONS, MORES SPECIFICALLY FEDERSAL ID#/S.S.##
SHAWN The burglary happened on a Thursday.
GUS The day before they shred the credit applications.
SHAWN Thanks, guys. It’s good to see you, Stu.
OUTISDE OF THE OFFICE, STILL IN ZILK’S
SHAWN (PULLS OUT HIS CELL PHONE, CALLS JULIET)Jules, I’m getting some strong messages.
JULIET (AT THE ROLLER RINK, IN HER STREET CLOTHES, WALKING TO THE LOCKER ROOM)Okay, what are they?
SHAWN The first one is from Keanu Reeves. He’s living in a house I built on a lake two years in the past. How will I meet him? The second is that the thieves were not after the merchandise.
JULIET Well, we already know that, Shawn.
SHAWN They were using the hand scanners to steal information off credit card applications. They’re stealing identities.
JULIET Oh. So then ransacking the store and stealing the merchandise was just to throw us off the trail?
SHAWN Right-oh. A handful of fake credit cards is worth more than everything in that entire store times 10. It’s a pretty brilliant plan. Only slightly less brilliant than that YouTube video of the monkey bathing a cat.
WHILE JULIET IS STILL ON THE PHONE, SOMEONE CALLS TO HER. IT’S WILDE AND FOX.
WILDE Hey, Maniac.
FOX We need you to come with us, Maniac.
WILDE Right now. (PUTS HER ARM AROUND JUILET, AND WALKS HER OFFSCREEN)
SHAWN Jules? Who is that? Who’s talking?( JULIET’S PHONE CLICKS OFF,TURNS TO GUS)We gotta go.
ROLLER DERBY PARKING LOT, NIGHTTIME (SHAWN,GUS)
SHAWN So we have three suspects? Two to go.
GUS And you think they’re on to Juliet?
SHAWN I said they might be. Either way, we’re gonna find out pretty quick.
GUS What do you think they’ll do to her?
SHAWNISH VISION: SPIES A FRIENSHIP BRACELET ON THE GROUND. (FLASHBACK)JULIET: WESTWOOD GAVE IT TO ME. IT’S A ROLLER DERBY THING.
SHAWN They may have done it already.( LOOKS TO THE TOYOTA TRUCK RIGHT NEXT TO THEM)That’s Westwood’s truck.
THEY WALK UP TO IT AND TRY TO LOOK INSIDE OF IT.
GUS I can’t see anything.
SHAWN Look for something to jimmy the lock.
GUS JUST POPS IT OPEN. SOMETHING IN THE TRUNK IS COVERED WITH A BLANKET.
SHAWN Oh!
GUS UNCOVERS THE BLANKET. IT’S WESTWOOD.
SHAWN (SIGHING) Thank god.
GUS Thank god? It’s a dead person.
SHAWN Yeah, but it’s not Juliet.
GUS It’s still a human being, Shawn. It’s Westwood. What’s the matter with you? (RE-COVERS WESTWOOD’S BODY)
SHAWN You’re saying you’d rather it be someone that we knew and care about? GUS IGNORES HIM AND CLOSES THE TRUNK
SHAWN Fine, next time I see Jules, I’ll just tell her you wish she was dead.
GUS I never said that I wished Juliet was dead.
ROLLER DERBY RINK, DURING THE MATCH
ANNOUNCER Lead jammer Mrs. Bash is trapped in the pack. Speed Freak trying to slash through Pismo’s vulnerable inside line.
SHAWN AND GUS PUSH TO THE FRONT OF THE CROWD.
ANNOUNCER The Trollops are gonna have to do a 180 in the second half tonight.
SHAWN Maniac!
JULIET, WHO IS SKATING, WAVES SHAWN AWAY.
ANNOUNCER Unless Hayseed Wannabe and Off-White Trash have their way, it might just happen.
WILDE NUDGES FOX WHEN SHE SEES SHAWNIN THE CROWD. FOX TAKES A PIECE OF TAPE AND MARKS JULIET. ANNOUNCER CONTINUES TO TALK. FOX TELLS THE TROLLOPS TO GO AFTER JULIET.
SHAWN Oh, my God. The roller girls are on to Juliet.
GUS Which ones?
SHAWN The bad ones. And I know who they are. They’re marking their own teammate. They wanna hurt her. Or worse.
ANNNOUNCER Hold on to your seats…
GUS We’ve got to do something.
GUS SPOTS A REFEREE ON BREAK. HE DECIDES TO BORROW THE SKATES.
ANNOUNCER Things are heating up out here, people. I hope you brought protection.
JULIET NOTICES FOX CREEPING UP FROM BEHIND. GUS IS ABOUT TO COME TO HER RESUCE AS HE APPEARS ON THE SIDELINES, A LITLE WOBBLY IN THE SKATES.
SHAWN Gus! (RUNS UP TO HIM) What are you doing?
GUS You’ve been complaining about me not being any help here? That’s about to change. They’re gonna try to make a run for it, but not before they take Juliet down.
SHAWN Yes, yes. But this is a terrible idea.
GUS I can skate, Shawn. I got this.
SHAWN What are you…(GUS SKATES OFF INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE DERBY RINK)
ANNOUNCER Now it looks like we’ve got a guest on the track?
JULIET (TO GUS) Hey!
ANNOUNCER You’re talking your life in your hands, pal.
FOX TO WILDE, POINTS AT GUS, SHE WANTS WILDE TO GO AFTER HIM. GUS SHOVES WILDE AS SHE COMES AFTER HIM.
ANNOUNCER Oh! Speed Freak goes down!( GUS GRINS AT SHAWN, SHAWN GIVS HIM A THUMBS UP)There’s something you don’t get to see every day.
GUS TURNS AROUND AND REALIZES A FULL TEAMS OF SKATERS ARE APPROACHING HIM. HE TAKEN DOWN BY TWO SANTA BARBARIANS.
SHAWN Man! (RUNS OVER TO GUS. HE PICKS GUS UP AND SHOVES HIM OFF IN A NEW DIRECTION. HE LOCKS EYES WITH FOX)
JULET SEES THIS ENTIRE THING HAPPENING. SHAWN TELLS FOX TO BRING IT. HE TRYING TO ANTICIPATE THE CRASH, BUT INSTEAD JULIET KNOCKS FOX DOWN. SHAWN JUMPS OUT THE WAY OF THE OTHER SKATERS WHO CRASH INTO ONE ANOTHER.
JULIET Shawn, watch out!
A PILE UP OF SKATERS OCCURS AROUND WHERE FOX FEL AS LASSITER AND VICK APPEAR. SHAWN AVOIDS ANOTHER SKATER THAT LANDS AT HIS FEET. HE MOUTHS “THANK YOU” TO JULIET. SHE MOUTHS BACK, “YOU WELCOME”. JULIET CATCHES THE EYE OF VICK WHO NODS BACK HER APPROVAL.
ROLLER DERBY PARKING LOT, NIGHTIME (LASITER,VICK,SHAWN,GUS, JULIET)
VICK Four suspects?
JULIET It was identify theft, Chief. They were only after the information off the credit card applications the customers fill out. All the stores they hit had similar credit card programs.
SHAWN They break in, wreak havoc and split before the clock runs out.
FLASHBACK: ROLLER GIRLS SCANNING THE CREDIT CARD APPLICATIONS.
GUS Just the kind of anarchy the fans pay for night after night.
JULIET I got prints off a key piece of evidence I found here.
SHAWN She got’em when she wasn’t busy kicking ass! Huh?
LASSITER COMES OUT, ESCORTING THE ARRESTED ROLLER GIRLS.
SHAWN Can I hear something for Maniac? She really brought it, huh? Am I right? Who’s with me?
VICK Lassiter, take them away.
SHAWN Whoa,whoa! Wait! I’m seeing the fifth suspect.
LASSITER Did she get away?
SHAWN No. Rita “Lethal Weapon” Westwood. Unfortunately, you’ll find her body in her pick-up truck in the parking lot. She’s the one that botched the merchandise drop. She paid dearly for it.
VICK Anything else?
SHAWN Um, not really. Did I mention Juliet’s roller derby awesomeness?(waves his hand around Juliet in her derby uniform) Huh? Maniac. Maniac. Maniac. I can’t get anything from these people.
GUS They’re murderers, Shawn. They’re going away for life. I gotta study.
VICK Lassiter, take them away.
LASSITER Ladies (PUTS THE FOX AND WILDE INTO A SQUAD CAR)
VICK (TO SHAWN AND JULIET)You two work together well.
SHAWN I certainly think so. We’re available for more cases, by the way. Embezzlement. Extortion. Espionage. Pretty much anything that starts with “E.” Elephant theft.
VICK I’ll take that under advisement. (WALKS AWAY TO FOLLOW LASSITER) JULIET Elephant theft?
SHAWN Oh, yeah.
JULIET People steal elephants?
SHAWN Major problem. Pretty much out of control.
ROLLER DERBY RINK, NEXT DAY, DAY TIME (SHAWN, JULIET)
JULIET HAS COME BACK TO THE RINK TO RETURN HER SKATES. AS SHE WALKS, SHAWN APPEARS TO BE LYING DOWN A ROW OF CHAIRS.
SHAWN Oh,hey, Jules! What are you doing here?
JULIET I’m returning my equipment. What are you doing here?
SHAWN Just hanging. You know, chilling. I was actually feeling little nostalgic. Remember when we cracked that case, here, the criminals turned out to be roller derby girls? (CHUCKLES)
JULIET Yeah, I remember that.
SHAWN Gosh. Seems like it was just yesterday.
SHAWN GETS UP. HE IS WEARING SKATES.
JULIET Probably because it was just yesterday. Why are you wearing skates?
SHAWN Looks down at his own feet. Oh yeah look at that. I guess I am. I don’t know. Uh, I guess I just thought it was a shame. We have this big beautiful track and no one to skate on it. It’s also been a long while since I had a god blister.
JULIET Mmmm…
SHAWN TWIRLTS HIS FINGER AND JULIET FOLLOWS HIS EYE LINE TO A DJ AT THE TOP OF THE STANDS.
DJ This will be a couples skate. Couples only.
JULIET LOOKS AT SHAWN, SHAWN GIVES HER A LOOK TO COMPLY.
SHAWN Come on!
JULIET Shawn!
DJ TURNS ON THE SPOT LIGHT AS SHAWN AND JULIET GO AROUND THE RINK SHAWN ALMOST FALLS, BUT JULIET CATCHES HIM.
JULIET Did you do that on purpose?
SHAWN No. Maybe. Okay, yes. Yes, I did.
SHAWN GOES TO GRAB HER HAND.
JULIET No hands.
YET THEIR HANDS START TO TOUCH AS THEY AROUND THE RINK.
PSYCH OFFICE, AFTERNOON (GUS, SHAWN)
GUS TRIES TO LOG INTO THE WEBSITE FOR HIS EXAM, BUT HE CAN’T. HE THEN TRIES REPEATEDLY.
GUS Damn!
SHAWN What is it?
GUS It won’t let me log n. And I have to take my exam by today!
SHAWN Really? That’s probably because I just took it for you.
GUS What?
SHAWN Yeah. And I can’t believe you’re still using “chocolate thunder” as your password.
GUS You took my exam?
SHAWN A little harder than the river raft test, way easier than the Secret Service test. Any of the questions I didn’t know. I just answered “C”. Right?
GUS Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
SHAWN Dude. It’s done! Relax. And you know what? Nailed it! Well, almost nailed it. At the very least, definitely didn’t blow it.
GUS Shawn?
SHAWN I don’t think so. Hey! You’re in. Okay? Sadly, you’re still a pharmaceutical rep. But, hey, whatever.
GUS I studied for this test all week for nothing.
SHAWN Yes, you did. But that’s the sort of thing that builds character.
GUS JUMPS UP AS DOES SHAWN. A CHASE AROUND THE OFFICE BEGINS.
SHAWN Knowledge is power!(RUNS AROUND THE OFFICE, TRYING TO EVADE GUS) Don’t you wanna feel powerful?
GUS Shawn!
HIGHISH SCREAM FROM SHAWN