Oh, Honestly The Things I Wish I'd Known By: Lauren Cormier Table of Contents
1. Why Should We Share the Things We Wish We'd Known?
2. Things I Wish I'd Known About Giving Birth
3. Five Things I Wish I'd Known About Giving Birth
4. Milestones I Wish I'd Known About
5. 13 Milestones I Wish I'd Known About
6. Things I Wish I'd Known About Breastfeeding
7. Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Breastfeeding
8. Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Had My Second Child
9. Five things I wish I'd known before I had my second child 10. Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Had My Third Child
11. Seven Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Had My Third Child
12. Things I Wish I'd Known Before My Child Started Kindergarten
13. Seven Things I Wish I'd Known Before My Child Started Kindergarten
14. I love to hear from my readers Why Should We Share the Things We Wish We'd Known?
I've always been the kind of person who likes to know what she's getting into. Sure, I enjoy the occasional surprise, but when something big is coming down the pipeline, I like to have a heads-up.
A few years ago, I wrote a blog post about the things I wish I'd known before I had my second child. It contained all the information that no one deemed important enough to mention to me. It was the stuff that left me wondering if I was the only one who'd experienced it.
My questions were quickly laid to rest as the post received thousands of views and I received message after message telling me that it was helpful or that as a fellow mom of two, the person related to the points I made.
After this experience I started writing about more of the things I wish I'd known: Having a third child, giving birth, breastfeeding, and more.
Now I've compiled them all in one place as a handy reference to anyone who needs it.
I couldn't possibly tell you everything that will happen on your parenting journey, but I can tell you that you don't have to go into these situations completely unprepared.
From a mom in the thick of it with you, Lauren Things I Wish I'd Known About Giving Birth Five Things I Wish I'd Known About Giving Birth
Is there any event that is both heart-poundingly feared and joyfully anticipated more than giving birth? For the first-time mother especially, the fear of the unknown can often be overwhelming as she thinks about childbirth, even though she can't wait to meet her baby.
Thankfully there are thousands of resources available to expectant moms; one of the best being other moms who have 'been there'. I've been through the birthing process three times now and looking back, there are a few things that the books didn't tell me that I wish I had known ahead of time.
PLEASE NOTE: The following list probably won't make you feel better about giving birth. Although it's not my intention to make you more nervous about labor and delivery, I'm also the kind of person who likes to go into situations with my eyes wide open. If you're like that too, read on. If you prefer to take things as they come, read at your own risk ;)
1. It's Messy
Looking back, I feel like this should have been obvious, but for whatever reason it wasn't. I guess I thought the actual pushing part might get a little messy, but the labor would be, well, clean... and dry.
Here's the thing: There's a kid floating around in an amniotic sac inside you. Somehow, all that fluid (and the baby, obviously) has to come out.
Unfortunately, it doesn't all come out in one neat package.
If your water breaks on it's own, like mine did for two of my three kids, you'll definitely be dealing with some messiness ahead of the actual birth.
And if it doesn't, at some point the doctor will probably break it for you and you'll deal with it then.
It's not that big of a deal (although I do remember being terrified that my water would break in a public place... it didn't!), but it surprised me, so I figured I'd pass it along.
2. It Probably Won't Go According to Plan
Maybe you'll go to a birth class or maybe you'll read some books. If you do, you'll probably hear a lot about having a birth plan. It's a good idea. It forces you to think through the process and decide how you want it to go.
The thing that the birth instructors and book authors don't usually mention is that the chance of your labor actually going according to (birth) plan are pretty low. I don't have any hard and fast stats on this, but I've talked to enough moms to know that most of them say things went differently than they planned for or expected.
In my case, I didn't have much of a plan beyond pushing out a baby, but the thought of having a c-section never even crossed my mind.
So when I ended up being wheeled to the O.R. for an emergency cesarean, I was thrown for a loop.
Hopefully you'll be one of the ones who has everything happen just the way you want, but you would do well for yourself to expect the unexpected.
(This is also excellent advice for the rest of your parenting life. Trust me: Once you have a kid, almost nothing goes according to plan.)
3. You'll Still Have a Belly Afterwards
Hopefully you already realize that your body doesn't snap right back into shape as soon as the baby's out, but maybe you don't really know what to expect.
Most women look about six months pregnant after they have their baby. I remember looking at my stomach after I'd given birth and thinking it looked like a deflated balloon. You know the ones that have been hanging around the house for a few days and they get a little smaller, but also kind of wrinkly and bumpy? That's what my stomach looked like.
It will continue to shrink in the days and weeks that follow, but be aware that it's not instantaneous.
4. You Might Get a Fundal Massage
Don't get too excited. This isn't the kind of massage anyone would ever request.
What's a fundal massage?
In order to help your uterus contract (so it goes back to its normal size), to help pass any blood clots, and to reduce the risk of postpartum hemorrhaging, every so often in the hours following your child's birth a nurse will push on your belly. She'll push really hard on your belly.
I suppose the term 'massage' is technically accurate, but it's also very misleading.
It's super uncomfortable, but also necessary, so just take a deep breath, try to relax, and it'll be over before you know it.
5. You'll Bleed a Lot Afterwards
You probably know that you'll bleed for quite a while after giving birth (it could be upward of 6 weeks... good times), but immediately following birth, you'll bleed heavily.
In fact, you'll probably pass quite a few blood clots in those first hours or even days.
Ask your doctor or nurse what's normal and definitely mention any clots that you're worried about. (As a frame of reference, an egg-sized clot freaked me out a little, but the nurse said it was fine.)
Well, I hope I haven't scared you too much. I know that most (all?) of these points are pretty gross and/or scary, but I also know that these were all things that I had no idea about before I had kids and I wish I had known them.
Despite the scary aspects of giving birth, women have been doing it since the beginning of time and many women have done it multiple times, which should at least partially alleviate your fears!
If it was that bad, we'd all be only children, right? Milestones I Wish I'd Known About 13 Milestones I Wish I'd Known About
We all know the milestones to eagerly watch for: First smile, rolling over, first steps. We wait for them to happen and carefully document them when they do (well, for the first kid at least).
There are some milestones though, that no one thinks to tell you about. They are just as momentous, in some cases more so, than the well- known ones, but if we don't know what to look for, we could miss them entirely.
I'm here to help! This is in no way a comprehensive list since my children are still young. In ten years, when I'm in the throes of the teenage years, I'll have to revisit and revise this post. But until then, here are 13 to watch for.
1. The first time they poop on you
Maybe this is a rite of passage more than a milestone, but either way, you should know that it WILL happen. Maybe you'll get some on your hand when you're cleaning the baby up, or it'll leak onto your leg while you're holding them, or maybe, like my poor brother-in-law, it'll shoot right into your eye when the baby poops in the middle of a diaper change. Welcome to the Parent Club!
2. When diaper changes are no longer easy
Right around the time your baby learns to crawl, he will also decide that diaper changes are a huge waste of time. Armed with his new found ability to move, he will do everything in his power to avoid the diaper change, which means you will have to do everything in your power to hold a squirming, turning, flipping, screaming child still while wrestling him into a clean diaper and trying to avoid repeatedly fulfilling #1. 3. When they can turn doorknobs
There's something comforting about knowing you can close a door and your toddler has no access to the area behind it. Unless you're excited to put safety knobs on every door in your house, this new accomplishment of your child is not a good one.
4. When your name on their lips is no longer magical
Let me guess: You and your significant other battled it out to get your baby to make the Ma or Da sound first. There's something so wonderful about your name coming from the lips of your little cherub. Until, that is, your name is the only thing coming from her lips, 8 bazillion times in a 30 second time frame. Then you will wish with all of your might that she said your spouse's name first.
5. The first time they say 'I love you'
Thankfully, they do say other things besides your name and "I love you" is one of the best!
6. The first time they say 'I hate you'
Of course, the flip side is that they also say this, and it will probably come a lot sooner than you expect. Don't think you won't hear it until they're teenagers. Most people I know have heard it (or some form of it... "You're the worst Mommy in the world", "I wish I had a different Mom", etc.) by the time their kids are five. If you're expecting and ready for it, it can actually be kind of amusing. Kids have big feelings. You gotta brush it off. They'll be saying #5 again before you know it.
7. When they can throw up in a bucket
No doubt about it, the stomach flu is the worst. However, it's so much easier when they know it's coming and can actually puke into a container/toilet/whatever instead of all over something that's really hard to clean, like their blankets or the rug or the couch. This is a milestone to celebrate!
8. When they can play outside by themselves The age for this one will vary depending on your comfort level and where you live, but it's pretty great (and a little scary) when it happens. Think about it. You can send them outside while you cook dinner in peace.
9. First wiggly tooth
Everyone talks about losing the first tooth, but realizing it's loose is just as exciting. Well, just as exciting for your kid. You'll probably cry like a baby. Not that I would know anything about that...
10. When birthday parties no longer require your attendance
I'm still a little unsure about when this happens, but I think by First Grade, parents are no longer expected to stay (although I think at this age, you still can stay if you want to). I should point out that I'm talking about other kids' birthday parties, not your own kids' birthday parties. It would be pretty crappy of you to not stick around for those.
11. When they can take showers instead of baths
This could be a sad one or a glad one depending on how you feel about bath time. I dreaded it, so when my kids could start taking showers, it was awesome. It's so much faster!
12. When they start to smell
This one hasn't happened here yet, but I know it's coming. Someday your sweet baby will stop smelling like Dreft and will start to smell like a boys' locker room. When this hits, you'll really be glad about #11 because you'll be forcing him to take a lot of showers.
13. When they don't want to cuddle anymore
This one hasn't happened here yet either, but when it does my heart will break into a million tiny pieces. So for now, I won't think about it and I'll just enjoy all the cuddles I can get. Things I Wish I'd Known About Breastfeeding Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Breastfeeding
I am not a breastfeeding expert. I'm not a lactation consultant. I can't give you medical advice.
What I am is a mom of three who had three very different experiences breastfeeding each of her children and who learned a few things along the way.
Your experience with breastfeeding may end up being totally different than mine, but even if it is, I bet you'll discover some of the same things I did.
Side note: I have also formula fed and I have no desire to get into a debate about the best way to feed your child. This post is for the moms who are considering breastfeeding. If you love and care for your baby, no matter which feeding method you choose, you're an amazing mom. End of story.
1. Natural Isn't the Same Thing as Easy
If you only read one point in this post, read this one. We've all heard someone say, "She's a natural artist," or "Algebra comes naturally to her." The implication is that something that is natural is easy; that it doesn't take much work to 'get it'.
What could be more natural than breastfeeding? Not much, but please hear me loud and clear: Just because breastfeeding is natural does not mean it will come easily! Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones and it will. My oldest caught on quickly to the whole thing and we had a pretty seamless transition.
Then I had my second child and WOW, it was a struggle!!! I'd spend at least half an hour just trying to get him latched (while he screamed the whole time) only to have him let go after three sucks and we'd have to start the process all over again. This went on for three or four weeks before we really got it down.
The Take Away: It might be hard and that is 100% normal. Don't give up! It could take a few weeks before it "feels" natural.
2. It Hurts at First
Imagine putting a damp suction cup on a fresh sunburn. Now imagine attaching a pulsating vacuum to the suction cup. Now imagine doing that for thirty minutes every two hours. Guess what? It hurts. A ton. Maybe not the first day or two, but by day three, feeding your baby is kind of a nightmare. The good news is that it only lasts a week or two before your skin 'toughens up' and the pain goes away.
I tell you this because you've probably heard that if it hurts, you're doing it wrong. LIES! Well, sort of. It's true that if the baby latches incorrectly, it will hurt and you should readjust. However, to a mom who is new to breastfeeding, it's pretty hard to tell the difference between the pain of a bad latch and the pain of sensitive skin.
The Take Away: Pain doesn't necessarily mean that you're doing it wrong. It'll definitely hurt at first. Lansinoh and walking around topless to air things out are your friends. (Use discretion with that second one.)
3. It Might Take a While for Your Milk to Come In
When I had my first baby, my milk didn't come in for four or five days. It's easy to start worrying that your tiny baby is going to starve to death, but somehow the colostrum manages to sustain them until the good stuff arrives.
(Also, if you're worried that you won't know whether your milk has come in or not, let me assure you; there's no mistaking it.)
The Take Away: Obviously you need to keep an eye on how the baby is doing, but don't worry if it takes a few days; that's normal. More good news: With each successive baby, it'll happen a little sooner.
4. The First Time Your Baby Sleeps Through the Night is a Mixed Blessing
It's the holy grail of parenthood: Your child sleeping through the night. My kids all started sleeping through by the time they were six weeks old (yes, you can hate me now) and for each of them, it was the same thing:
I'd wake up around 4 am in amazement, "Oh my goodness, they've been asleep since I put them to bed last night!" The amazement would quickly turn to disgust, "Oh my goodness, I'm soaking wet and extremely uncomfortable." Then came the mental debate, "Do I pump or do I wait for them to wake up? If I pump, they'll probably wake up two seconds after I'm done and then I won't have much left to give them. If I don't pump, they'll probably sleep for another two hours and I'll explode.
The Take Away: If your baby starts to sleep through the night while you're still exclusively breastfeeding, don't be surprised if you want them to wake up!
5. It Can Feel Confining
A baby needs to eat every two to three hours on average. If you are the sole source of food for that little one, even if you pump, there are moments when you'll feel tied down. Everything (everything!) must be planned around a feeding schedule. Sometimes you'll feel like your entire life is measured in two hour increments.
Want to run errands by yourself? If you feed the baby at this time, you'll have this amount of time to be out before you need to be back to nurse. Cooking dinner? Make sure the baby won't be hungry halfway through. It would be a shame to burn that dish you love.
The Take Away: Just like the huge adjustment of becoming a parent, breastfeeding takes time to adjust to as well. When you're used to doing things on your own schedule, breastfeeding can be a bit of a shock. Take time away if you need it (pumping definitely helps with this!) and remember that this is only for a short season. 6. It's Awesome for Introverts
Breastfeeding gives you a rock solid excuse to go hide for 20 minutes during social gatherings, even if those gatherings are at your own house. Someone will say, "Hey, where did (your name) go?" And someone else will say, "She's feeding the baby." And the first person will say, "Oh okay, great!"
No one will think you're antisocial, no one (except maybe your husband or closest friends or relatives) will disturb you, and you'll get a few minutes of peace and quiet to recharge.
The Take Away: Enjoy these moments!! Don't feel guilty for hiding away and certainly don't feel guilty for enjoying it. It's good for everyone if the introverted mom has the time she needs to refresh. Plus, that one- on-one time with your little one is pretty darn special!
7. It Doesn't Always Go the Way You Planned
I wish I didn't have to include this one, but it's important to know. It's easy to get a plan in our heads of how things will go and not consider any alternatives. Unfortunately, real life doesn't always follow our plans.
In my case, two of my kids ended up being sensitive (and in one case, having allergies) to some of the foods I was eating. I cut out food group after food group until finally I had to make the difficult decision to switch to formula. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and for a long time, I felt like a failure.
There are other things that might throw a wrench in the works. Maybe your milk doesn't come in or your baby is tongue-tied or you end up with an illness. Please don't misunderstand: I'm not saying these things mean you can't continue to breastfeed. I'm just saying that you should expect the unexpected.
The Take Away: If you're prepared for things to not go the way you want, it will help you cope and make decisions with a clearer head. When you're completely thrown for a loop, it's tough to decide what to do in the midst of the emotions. Regardless of what happens, hear this: YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! 8. Your Boobs Will Never be the Same
I'll end on a depressing note. It's true. They'll never be the same. I can't tell you what will happen because it varies from woman to woman. Some have said theirs got bigger when they were done breastfeeding. Some get smaller. Some disappear entirely. Some get droopy.
The Take Away: Change is inevitable. Prepare yourself for it now and it will be less of a shock later. Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Had My Second Child Five things I wish I'd known before I had my second child
When you're expecting your first child, you read a million books on the subject because you're nervous and you have no idea what you're doing and you want to do everything right.
When you're expecting your second child, you might glance at a couple of dog-eared pages, but you're pretty sure you've got this because you've done it before and, although you might not be an expert, you're a lot smarter than you were the first time around.
There are, however, some things I wish I had known, but didn't, before I had my second child. So if you're expecting Baby #2, here are just a few things the books won't tell you.
1. You're not a horrible person if you're disappointed when you find out the gender
When I went to bed the night we found out we were having another boy, I sobbed (but silently because I couldn't let my husband know what a terrible mother I was!). It wasn't that I had my heart set on a girl as much as that I was worried about how it would change my relationship with my oldest. It only took a few days, though, before I had adjusted to the news and started getting excited about having our second son.
Bottom line: You're not a terrible mom for feeling let down. You might be a terrible mom if you never get over your disappointment. And you're definitely a terrible mom if you tell your kid that you wish she was a boy every chance you get. Not judging; just saying.
2. Your love for your second child might look different than it did for your first
The overwhelming love that slammed into me when we had our first child was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. It was amazing and intoxicating and I naively thought it would be exactly the same way the second time around. When I didn't immediately feel that same staggering bond with our second, I felt worried and guilty. I finally realized that this time I already knew what a mother's love was like, so it didn't take me by surprise like it did with our first.
Bottom line: The bond might feel different this time, but you will absolutely love your second as much as your first. Sometimes, like when your first has thrown himself screaming on the floor in the middle of Target while your second sits in the cart like an angel, you'll even love him more than your first.
3. The things you think you did right with your oldest probably had nothing to do with you
I admit it; I thought my husband and I had really superb parenting skills. Then we had our second kid. It is shocking how different two kids in the same family can be.
Our first son nursed like a champ, but getting our second to even latch on was a nightmare of epic proportions (one hungry, screaming infant + one frustrated, bawling mother X thirty minutes every two hours = something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Well, maybe that one chick, but not the rest of them.). Our oldest was talking in paragraphs by the time he turned two, and our second barely uttered a word until he was two. Our oldest never whined a day in his life; our second could win an Oscar with his theatrics.
I know this sounds like really bad news, but the converse is also true. Our oldest is a picky eater while our second will clear his plate and ask for more. Our oldest can be a little too cautious at times, but our second willingly takes risks.
Bottom line: Don't go into having Baby #2 thinking you know all of life's parenting secrets. Life has a way of laughing in your face and showing you who's boss. Hint: It's not you. 4. Buying identical clothing in different sizes is a really bad idea
I think it's weird when parents dress their kids in matching outfits, but I'm not just trying to get everyone to bow to my way of thinking (although clearly I'm right). No, this piece of advice has real, practical implications.
Imagine, if you will, a mountainous pile of freshly laundered clothing. You go to work folding the enormous stack, leaving the socks for last. Your husband's are easy to match; you bought him the jumbo pack of black athletic socks. Then you get to your sons' pile. You bought them both identical jumbo packs of white athletic socks in two sizes. Instead of easily grabbing any two and pairing them up, you now have to look at the sizes to make sure you're not pairing a 2T with a 4T. Trust me, I speak from experience.
Once you've completed this task, you begin to put the clothes away. You now have to unfold all the socks to see whose is whose. And all those cutesy matching outfits you force your kids to wear also have to be unfolded so you can peek at the size tags. A 15 minute task has just taken you an entire morning.
Bottom line: Do yourself a favor and assign each kid a certain color to wear. Better yet, when you and your hubby are divvying up chores, give him laundry duty.
5. There will be fighting, but there's a silver lining
My boys fight. About everything. Constantly. It makes me want to hide in my minivan with a pint of Chubby Hubby as my only companion or install a punching bag (for me, not them. Although maybe that would lessen the arguments... or strengthen their swing, so never mind, I'll keep the punching bag for myself.). However, I have found one consolation. Despite the non-stop fighting at home, when we're out in public, they are fiercely protective of each other.
One day I had carpool duty. The kids were yelling and laughing and having a grand old time until one of them made a joke about our younger son. He wasn't trying to be mean; in fact, if we had been home alone, my oldest probably would have made the same joke. But the fact that someone else was making fun of his brother did not fly. "YOU SHUT UP!" my oldest yelled angrily.
Outwardly I calmed the situation and informed everyone that kind words were the only ones I wanted to hear, but inwardly I was doing a happy dance. When we got home I told my son how proud I was of him, not because of the words he used, but because he stood up for his brother instead of joining in the teasing.
Bottom line: It might seem like they'll never get along, but their love for each other will shine through in sweet and unexpected ways. Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Had My Third Child Seven Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Had My Third Child
Three. It seems to be the number that brings the most hesitation. Most parents know right away if they want to stop at one child or have a second, but many pause at the idea of having a third.
Something about that number makes us nervous, but is having three kids really that bad? Let's look at the facts:
1. It's a lot more work
I'm not going to sugarcoat it. You might as well go into this with your eyes wide open, right? Having three kids is a lot of work.
Opinions seem to be split on whether it's harder to go from one child to two, or two children to three, but I think all parents of three can agree that however quickly they adjust, it's a tough job.
The thing is, someone always needs something. Always. A drink. A snack. Help wiping their butt. A ride to soccer practice. It's constant. If someone wants a drink, you'll just finish putting the milk away and the second one will ask for some. If you sit down to pay some bills, the third will need a refill.
So yes, you will be constantly busy, but there's a good opportunity here to teach your children independence.
The first winter I had three kids, we all came down with a stomach bug. My oldest, Eli, got it first and was starting to feel better when I came down with it. My husband was at work and I was laying on the couch, trying not to lose it while also keeping a four year old, a two year old, and a nine month old alive. Eli asked for lunch and just the thought of looking at anything edible was enough to push me over the edge. I sorrowfully told him that this time he was on his own. Lo and behold, my little four year old pulled out all the fixings for a peanut butter sandwich and made it without a stitch of help from me. It was an eye-opener that reminded me that Mom does not equal Indentured Servant.
Bottom Line: Yes, you'll be busy, but if you're intentional about it, it can be a good learning opportunity for your kids (and you!).
2. People suddenly think you know what you're doing
Three is a magical number. It's the number that signals to people that you must know what you're doing and therefore, they have no reason to give you advice. I noticed the change immediately.
With my first two, I had nurses in my hospital room constantly. Checking on me, checking on the baby, taking our temperatures, helping me breastfeed, making sure I wrote down every minuscule detail of each baby's life (When did they eat? What side did they nurse on? How long did it take to latch? How long did they stay latched? When did they pee? How wet was the diaper? When did they poop? What color was it? How much was there? Did you weigh it? How did it taste? ...Okay, I'm exaggerating. A little.)
Anyway, when my third popped out, I actually began to wonder if the hospital had changed it's policies for the maternity floor. Yes, the nurses still checked on me... occasionally. But I never saw the sheet to record poops and pees. I never saw a lactation consultant. I was pretty much left on my own. It was glorious! I had a private room, milkshakes and cookies whenever I asked, barely any visitors (it was my third, remember?)... it was kinda like being on vacation.
Of course, the flip side of this is that, while everyone thinks you're an expert, you know the truth: You still have very little clue about what you're doing. Sure, you can take care of a baby with a lot more confidence than the first time, but you also know that each kid is ridiculously different from the others, and you'll run into a million situations a day that make you question whether you're cut out for this job at all. Bottom Line: Enjoy the lack of unsolicited advice, but remember that there's still a vast network of moms out there who are willing to help if you ask.
3. You'll feel like there's never enough of you to go around and you can't give each kid what they need
Oh, the mom guilt. It never ends.
I bet when you had one kid you spent a ton of one-on-one time with him: Talking, teaching, playing.
Then you had your second child and it got a little harder to have that meaningful time together. The baby needed to eat when the toddler wanted you to play. The toddler needed to go to the bathroom Right Now while the baby just wanted to be held. You figured out ways to make it work, though. You could still take one of them shopping while the other one stayed home with Dad and, boom, they were both getting one on one time. You totally rocked the Parenting Two Kids scene.
With three, you sometimes get the feeling that you are failing all of them. Like when your oldest says you never have time for him anymore. Or when you're so excited to be taking just one of them out somewhere, but the other two are sobbing at the unfairness of it all, even though they've been told their special time is coming. Or when there are 15 loads of laundry to do, supper to make, and bathrooms to clean, but the youngest wants you to do a puzzle, the oldest wants you to shoot hoops, and the middle wants you to play superheroes.
One person can only do so much. Realize that right from the start and you'll be better able to handle the moments of disappointment and guilt. Also realize that your kids will not die if they don't have your undivided attention all the time. In fact, it's better if they don't.
Bottom Line: Go ahead and acknowledge the mom guilt, but tell it to get lost. Then try to find even just one way per day to connect one-on-one with each child, even if only for five minutes while the other two are playing in a different room. It'll be good for all of you.
4. You'll be waaaay more laid back Remember when you had your first kid and you thought you were a pretty chill parent? You let people hold your kid without washing their hands first and thought to yourself, "I am way less uptight than that friend of mine who made people put on surgical masks when they came through her door."
By the time your third kid shows up, you've taken chill to a whole new level. "Oh, you're still being treated for Ebola? Sure, you can hold him. Just turn your face away when you need to cough, okay?"
Seriously though, not much phases you anymore. Your older kids are constantly bringing home germs, so there's no sense trying to shield the baby from them. You try to keep the older ones from jumping on the youngest, but you soon discover that the more they manhandle her, the funnier she thinks it is. You realize that a dinner of popcorn and cookies every now and then won't kill them.
Bottom Line: Obviously some health and safety precautions need to be taken, but those kids are a lot more durable than you thought when you first started out.
5. From now on, you will be woefully outnumbered
Even if you have a spouse around to help you'll be outnumbered, but it's when you're alone with all of them that you're woefully outnumbered.
Let me explain in a brief illustration.
You take the three kids to the playground. When it's time to leave, they don't want to go because, hel-lo, it's the playground! So you pick up the littlest one, grab the hand of a second, and half lead, half drag those two to the car. Meanwhile, the third is streaking past the monkey bars like the Flash on speed to try to hide from you.
Once the first two are buckled in, you return to the playground to hunt for the third and most elusive child. It's like a kiddie version of The Hunger Games. I'd say "May the odds be ever in your favor", but we've already established that the odds are 3:1, so you're out of luck.
Don't lose heart though! I have learned two important lessons from the knowledge that I am woefully outnumbered. 1. If you tend to be one of those independent people who never wants to ask for help (aka ME), you lose that in a hurry. When someone offers to help you herd your three kids from the car, through a busy parking lot, and into the safety of a building, you nod your head and say, "Thank you!"
Whether you agree with her politics or not, you suddenly embrace the truth of what Hillary said: It really does take a village to raise your children. Maybe you don't see this as a good thing, but to me, anything that requires me to lose some of my pride while simultaneously reminding me of the importance of community is a very good thing. Plus it's always comforting to see all the people who are willing to help.
2. Adding a few more kids into the mix doesn't make much difference. Three, four, five: Once you're outnumbered, you're outnumbered, regardless of the number, so letting the kids have friends over is really no big deal.
Bottom Line: Two hands, three kids... God made us this way for a reason: We need each other! Don't be afraid to ask for help. Also, invite other kids over to play. It won't make much difference in the chaos, and sometimes it changes the dynamics in a really positive way.
Speaking of dynamics:
6. Sibling dynamics both change and multiply
There used to be the one simple dynamic between your first and second child. Now there are the dynamics between your first and second, your first and third, your second and third, and of course, all three.
The way my youngest interacts with my oldest is very different from the way she interacts with my middle child. Similarly, when all three of them are together, the way they interact is quite different from when there are only two of them around.
This may be good, bad, or not make any difference at all (most of it depends on their personalities... and their moods on any particular day), but it does make it a bit more complicated than when you only had two.
Probably the best thing you can do is observe, observe, observe. Watch the kids interact, see how they relate to each other, figure out what the different groupings do together, etc. Then use this knowledge to your advantage.
If two of the kids seem to have a tighter bond, make sure the third gets individual time with his siblings so he doesn't feel left out. If two are always at each other's throats, figure out if throwing the third one in the mix helps or hurts, then plan according. Obviously, you can't always divide them up exactly the way you want, but it helps to know how they get along (or not) with each other.
Bottom Line: Things get more complicated with three. On the other hand, it's harder for the kids to claim they're bored with so many people around.
7. You'll never regret it
I know a lot of what I've said here doesn't sound totally wonderful. If you were hoping I'd say that having three kids is rainbows and unicorns all the time, well, I apologize, but it's not (is anything rainbows and unicorns all the time??).
However (there's always a however!)...
If you have a third child, you won't regret it. You'll have moments when all three kids are going crazy and you're looking around in bewilderment and annoyance and you'll barely be able to hear yourself over all the screaming as you yell to your spouse, "What were we thinking, having a third??" You'll try to remember back to the days when you had two and life was so much quieter.
Then you'll look at your youngest, and even though you cank ind of remember what that life was like, you really won't be able to imagine life without your baby.
And the moments when all three are playing nicely together or helping each other out or cuddling up together on the couch: Those moments are so amazingly sweet, they'll bring tears to your eyes.
Bottom Line: Despite the craziness, each of those kids is an unbelievable blessing and you'll be so happy to have each and every one of them. Things I Wish I'd Known Before My Child Started Kindergarten Seven Things I Wish I'd Known Before My Child Started Kindergarten
In my time as a parent, I have sent two children off to kindergarten and I'm preparing to send my third. For some reason I thought it would be easier the second time around (it wasn't), and I'm not holding out any hope for it being easier the last time either.
I suppose it's never easy to see your babies grow up, whether it's the first or the fifth, but I do have one thing going for me this time around: Knowing the following seven things has allowed me to feel far more prepared.
If you're sending your oldest off to kindergarten this year, allow me to let you in on the secrets that parents who've been there have already discovered. They just might help you too!
1. It will probably be harder on you than on her
I know some parents look forward to their child starting kindergarten like kids look forward to Christmas, but I think most of us (even those parents) would admit to feeling pretty sad at the thought of their baby starting school.
When my oldest entered kindergarten he was a bit nervous, but immediately loved school and settled in quickly and easily. I, on the other hand, cried for days leading up to it and all day after I dropped him off too.
How to Deal: Transitions are hard. Let yourself feel all the feelings and know that it does get better! If your child is having a hard time, know that it will get better for her too. 2. He will be exhausted at the end of the day
Even if your child was in preK full time last year, don't be surprised if he is exhausted each evening at the beginning of the school year. PreK most likely offered a decent amount of playtime and possibly a rest time as well. Although Kindergarten isn't all work and no play, it has definitely gotten a lot more academic since we were there 20 or 30 years ago. That new routine can really tire kids out at first.
How to Deal: If possible, avoid scheduled activities after school, at least until he gets used to the new routine. Also, decide on a fairly early bedtime and stick to it. If you can institute it before school begins, even better!
3. Her behavior after school will be completely awful
This is coming, so prepare yourself. Thankfully, it doesn't mean that terrible things are happening at school to make your little angel act like a demon.
Believe it or not, bad behavior at home is actually a good thing. It means that your kindergartner is trying so hard to behave at school that by the time she gets home she needs to blow off steam. Home is a safe place for her to do so. Keep that in mind when you're ready to pull out your hair and sell her to the next passing caravan (because I'm sure a lot of caravans go by your house in the 21st century).
How to Deal: Take a deep breath, be thankful she feels comfortable enough to let it out at you instead of her teacher, and be firm but kind when offering correction. Pretty soon things will level out. (Don't be surprised if you go through this at the beginning of each school year, not juts the kindergarten year).
4. The sooner you get to know the other parents, the better
I'm painfully bad at small talk, so striking up conversations with people I don't know is stress-inducing. Because of that, it wasn't until the very end of my oldest's year in kindergarten that I started to get to know the parents of his classmates. I wish I'd sucked it up and done it sooner. They're pretty great people, and since my kids go to a small school, I know I'll be seeing a lot of them over the next 12 years.
How to Deal: If you're shy like me, a good way to break the ice is to 'friend' the parents of your child's classmates on Facebook. You can get to know them a bit through their posts and then you won't feel like you're going in cold when you see them at school pickup.
5. The more self-help skills your child has, the more the teacher will love you
Actually, I did know this one before my son started kindergarten because I used to be a kindergarten teacher. Maybe it's a bit of an overstatement to say the teacher will love you more, but seriously, she'll think you're awesome.
Have you ever had to open 18 lunch containers? Insert 12 straws into drink pouches? Tie 22 pairs of shoes? Zip 15 winter jackets and get 150 fingers into the right holes of 15 pairs of gloves? Every. single. day? Your child's teacher does and it takes a ton of time away from what she wants to be doing with the kids.
How to Deal: I realize that some kindergartners aren't developmentally ready to tie their own shoes, but working with your child to perfect any self-help skills she can do will be a huge help to your child's teacher.
6. The year will go by incredibly fast
You probably already know that time flies, but somehow once your kids enter school, it speeds up even more. You'll blink and summer vacation will be upon you.
How to Deal: Don't get too discouraged on the hard days because they won't last. Soak in the good days because they won't last either.
7. Your child will leave kindergarten as his own little person
Yes, when your child starts kindergarten, he's already his own person, but something about this first year of school really amps up his independence. Suddenly he has his own life, completely separate from yours. He is learning new things and making new friends. He might enter kindergarten only knowing his alphabet and leave kindergarten knowing how to read. At the end of the school year you'll look back at pictures from the beginning of the year and you'll wonder where your little boy went.
How to Deal: This is a bittersweet time. It's hard to watch your baby grow up, but it's also amazing. Try to focus on the amazing more than the sad. I love to hear from my readers Send me an email ([email protected]) with ideas for more "Things I Wish I'd Known" and join me on Facebook for all sorts of fun.
Join me on Facebook