CONTENTS

Chapter 1. Threes Company || l

Chapter 2. Dare to Dream: Fantasizing Your Way to a Threesome || 9

Chapter 3. The Mating3 Game: Finding the Perfect Tri-Lovers || 27

Chapter 4. Three Can Be a Crowd: Strategies for Navigating Freak-outs, Jealousy, and General Messiness || 113

Chapter 5. Discovering the Inner Queer: What to Do When Same-Sex Lovin' Is Part of the Equation || 183

Chapter 6. Keeping It Clean: Safer Sex for Three 227

Chapter 7. The Joy of (Sex)3: Positions, Techniques, and Instructional Diagrams Just for Three || 245

Chapter 8. Rainbows and Butterflies, Oh My! When a Hot Three-Way Turns Into Love || 293

Appendix A: Communication Activities and Resources || 337 Appendix B: Relationship and Sexuality Resources || 341 Notes || 363 Acknowledgment || 367 About the Author || 371 CHAPTER 1

THREE'S COMPANY

I'm a relatively attractive chick. I wear nerdy glasses and spend a lot of time in libraries. I've had nothing surgically improved. I've never flashed a zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBAGirls Gone Wild video crew. I'm even married to my high school sweetheart. For most of my life, I've been somewhat of a square. But, everyone's got a kinky side. And a few years ago, my husband and I started talking about having a three- some with another woman. The more we talked about it, the better it sounded, but when we were finally ready to try a three-way, we didn't have a clue about how to turn the fantasy into a reality 2 The Threesome Handbook

While threesomes seem to magically materialize out of pizza deliveries in porn flicks, losing your tri-virginity isn't that simple in the real world. There aren't any church-sponsored ice cream socials for the tri-curious or mainstream relationship gurus offering seminars on three-way success. And, the jealousy and possessiveness lurking in the shadows is enough to give many three-way dreamers cold feet. As a sex and historian, I've long been fascinated by historical sexual misfits who fought for their right to love and screw in unorthodox ways. But it wasn't until I wanted to try a threesome myself that I became curious about today's aspiring perverts. I couldn't find a decent threesome guidebook at the library, so I started scouring the Internet, reading biographies, and asking lots of people lots of questions. As it turns out, America is full of trisexuals eager to tell their stories. Threesomes currently rank as America's most popular , and they're becoming mainstream trendy. Three-ways have become common subplots on network TV shows, and the term zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBAthreesome now registers more than 1.8 million hits on Google. The bottom line is most people have fantasized about threesomes but don't know how to pull them off without a hitch. In my research I've wormed my way into diverse three- some-friendly scenes with everyone from self-identified polyamorists to trendy Hollywood partiers to decidedly Three's Company 3 untrendy Renaissance Faire buffs. I've interviewed more than a hundred threesome veterans, dabblers, and dreamers; hit swingers' clubs and erotic parties; con- sulted sex therapists, escorts, three-way tantra instruc- tors, alternative relationship counselors, local sexual-freedom support groups and relationship gurus of all stripes. I've also conducted grueling personal research—testing three-way pickup lines at bars, clubs, and cuddle parties; participating in threesomes of various gender and sexuality combinations; and delving into a long-term threesome relationship so serious it involved diamonds and trips to Europe. After plenty of bumbling, I cracked the code: I learned how to make threesomes happen, how to make them great, and even how to make them last. Based on per- sonal experience, extensive research, expert advice, and interviews, zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBAThe Threesome Handbook covers the A to Zs of threesomes, from wooing three-way playmates to man- aging jealousy to the acrobatic logistics of juggling six arms and six legs in one bed. It offers step-by-step instructions to transform even jittery tri-virgins into swaggering threesome lovers. Beyond the nuts and bolts of sex with three, this book gives the lowdown on how to create sexy and emotionally rewarding threesomes based on honesty, self-awareness, and trust. 4 The Threesome Handbook

Our belief is that the human capacity for sex and love and intimacy is far greater than most people think—possibly infinite—and that having a lot of sat- isfying connections simply makes it possible for you to have a lot more.

—Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt,yxwvutsrponmlkihgfedcbaYWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA The Ethical Slut

I Rock Stars Get It On Three-Way Style At the MTV Music Awards 2003, Madonna frenched Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera on national television. The kissing trio made headlines.

Artists, Writers, and Brainiacs Swing It Three-Way Style, Too Bloomsbury Group (1905-1944) A group of famous artists and scholars (including writer Virginia Woolf, economist John Maynard Keynes, and author E. M. Forster) were known for "loving in triangles." These turn-of-the-century free thinkers dug open , , and three-way love affairs. Three's Company 5

There are loads of reasons to try a threesome. You only live once, and triple hot sex is nothing to scoff at. Beyond SEX3 and triple-snuggly cuddling, threesomes offer plenty of other perks—they're ideal for exploring bisexuality, mastering black-belt level communication skills, deepening intimacy with your primary partner, breaking passive-aggressive habits, and sampling oodles of extra love. But, most importantly ... all the cool kids are doing it. Three-ways come in all shapes and sizes, ranging from one-night stands with strangers to drunken "whoops" with the landlady and her electrician to passionate thirty- year threesome love affairs. Some couples opt for three- somes with clear limits (i.e., sex may be cool, but long-term intimacy may not). Others prefer to dig into more complex terrain of threesome relationships with deep emotional connections (like the trio that recently married in the Netherlands). Whether you decide to dabble in a one-night three- some fling or a more complex trio , you need to know that threesomes bring up challenges, so they work best for those willing to do their homework. Threesomes call us to confront jealousy, insecurity, fear of rejection, and a host of other dark seeds inside ourselves. Three- ways can be huge growth experiences that encourage us to drop our insecurities and discover how wholly lovable we really are. And, threesomes can help pry us open and 6 The Threesome Handbook teach us to love in a new way—with less possessiveness, less ego, and less fear. Three-ways can also help couples break down their old, unhealthy relationship patterns, which can feel both freeing and scary While bringing in a third can be dazzlingly wonderful for couples in solid relationships, it can shatter relationships that aren't strong enough to weather the bumps. So, read on, bullet- proof your relationship, then go for it.

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It was strange, soothingly strange, to be back in this big bed, this marital bed, with a third person beside us, and the three of us enveloped in frank, sensual lust. It was too good to be true.

—Henry Miller

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By sharing these tools with you, I hope to empower you to pursue your freaky fantasies with guts and grace. The strategies and advice laid out here offer what you need to have threesomes in whatever form suits you—from three- way flings to lasting threesome love. I've culled advice from various experts and seasoned threesome veterans, many of whom have very different approaches, and while there isn't one way that works for everyone, there are cer- tain tools essential to making threesomes work. This book Three's Company 7 is a collection of ideas, models, techniques, and strategies for you to try Take what works for you and discard the rest. For those who always thought monogamy was the only route to "happily ever after," this book offers some new ways to get there. I encourage you to challenge prevailing paradigms that curtail the possibilities for sex and love. Consider this an invitation to move beyond limiting cul- tural stereotypes about relationships, to experiment, to play, to explore yourself, to learn where you're stuck and why, and to find out what works for you and what doesn't. And maybe, you'll uncover hotter sex and more abundant love than you ever imagined. Let tri-curious dreamers emerge from their closets and embrace their secret desires.

We had pioneered our own relationship: its freedom, intimacy, and frankness. We had thought up the idea of the trio.

—Simone de Beauvoir

WARNING! READ THIS BOOK AT YOUR OWN RISK This book contains advice that may turn your life upside down or inside out. I take no responsibility for the effect this 8 The Threesome Handbook

Famous Threesomes in History AnaTs Nin, Henry and June Miller French feminist Simone de Beauvoir, philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, and Bianca Bienenfeld Friedrich Engels (of Marxist fame) and the Burns sisters Surrealist painter Salvador Dali, his wife Gala, and various young men Film star Marlene Dietrich, her husband Rudi, and novelist Erich Maria Remarque Beat poets Neil Cassady and Jack Kerouac, plus Neil's wife Carolyn Sex researcher Alfred Kinsey, Mrs. Kinsey, and their lab assistant Pablo Picasso, surrealist poet Paul Eluard, and his wife Maria Benz First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt and her lesbian lovers Nancy Cook and Marion Dickerman J book has on your current or future relationships. If you aspire to radically reinvent your ho-hum life and traverse new sex arid love terrain, this book is for you. In taking the steps described here, you will find yourself in unknown ter- ritory and it may scare the hell out of you. In the process of deconstructing your social programming, you may be forced to change the way you think about yourself and love in gen- eral. Indeed, in your quest for the holy grail of sex, you may discover that you've been endowed with miraculous new powers. If you're willing to take the red pill, read on. CHAPTERzyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcbaZYWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA 2

DARE TO DREAM: FANTASIZING YOUR WAY TO A THREESOME

Tasha and I had spent many a night detailing our desire for a threesome, even going into elaborate detail about what we'd like to do with our mystery woman who would join us in our bed. But . . . we'd never quite found the perfect person to join us. But it seemed our luck had changed, and I summoned Tasha over to me and whispered in her ear, "Baby, what do you think about Anna joining us in bed?" "You must have read my mind—as I was putting the lotion on her, I was getting so turned on. Let me feel her out and see if she's up for it," she whispered