THE THREE STOOGES: GOLDFINGERS Story by Cameron Fay & Mike Cerrone & Mike Troiano

Written by Mike Cerrone & Rob Meyers & Mike Troiano

Registered WGAeast #1299793 SUPER READS: SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH CARIBBEAN The camera widens to a shot of the darkened sea. A speedboat CHUGS SLOWLY into frame. At the wheel is a handsome ASIAN MAN, JAMES WONG, 30’s, sporting a designer Tuxedo, peering through night vision binoculars. With him are three ACCOMPLICES dressed in Ninja-type black tights. They can’t seem to find what they came out here for... Suddenly a ‘THUMP’ is heard under the bow of the boat. James peers over the side. HIS POV: A MAN, also dressed in a tuxedo is treading water while rubbing his head. MAN IN WATER (heavy foreign accent) Idiot! Watch where you’re going! JAMES What are you doing out here? MAN IN WATER (tentative) Pearl diving...? JAMES In a tuxedo? The man raises his hands and treads water with just his legs. MAN IN WATER (nervous) Well... I didn’t have time to change. But I have a license. (beat) Are you Amscranian Security. Be frontwards with me. JAMES What? No. The man heaves a sigh of relief and drops his arms. JAMES (CONT’D) What do you know about Amscray? MAN IN WATER Take me in the boat and I’ll tell you all about it. James’ accomplices help him into the boat. TIME CUT TO: 2.

INT. SPEED BOAT The MAN from the water is sitting in the boat wrapped in a blanket. James is pumping the man for information, while one of the accomplices takes the helm and speeds through the darkness. JAMES So, where’s the island? MAN IN WATER You just missed it by about two hours. (he points) It went that way. JAMES What? You’re telling me that a forty acre island moves? MAN IN WATER Yes, and I didn’t have time to brace for Mobilization. JAMES Huh, I didn’t think Wermonger was that smart. MAN He’s not. It was all his father’s vision. He cloaked the island with permanent GPS coordinates so he could move it at will, undetected. JAMES Why? MAN He had to protect his high profile clientele from international scrutiny, and especially the pesky paparazzi. JAMES What’s he protecting them from... What goes on there? MAN The usual... drug trafficking, money laundering, prostitution, gambling, and midget tossing. If he felt the heat was on - BOOM! - He moves the island. JAMES What happened to his father? 3.

MAN Off the record, I think his son, Wolfgang Wermonger III is responsible for his father’s sudden death. Having no mother, everything goes to him, but he wanted it too much sooner than later. JAMES What do the people think of him? MAN He’s a tyrant, they hate him. They are mere turnip farming peasants. Though I believe they’re scheming a revolution, they have no weapons other than a pitchfork, and how you say... snowballs, made from Yak poop. James shakes his head. JAMES A mobile island that has Yak shit fights. And I could be on the slopes in Switzerland chasing some double-agent snow bunny. MAN What is snow bunny? JAMES Never mind. How about the high rollers that traffic drugs, gamble, and toss little people; what do they think of him? MAN He was smart enough not to interfere with the corrupt sanctuary that the guests enjoy. They couldn’t give a rodent’s pee- pee about Wermonger’s domestic policies... As long as there’s no revolution, the money flows, everyone’s happy. Suddenly James spots something through his binoculars. JAMES There’s the land of misfit toys now. He quickly steps into the front shoe of a slalom waterski, takes a coil of ski rope and stands facing forward on the transom. 4.

JAMES (CONT’D) I personally don’t care about their domestic policies either. I’m here for a completely different reason. MAN And, what is that? The coil of rope unfurls and James hops off the boat landing upright. JAMES (yells) Let’s just say I’m looking for an old friend. The speedboat veers sharply to the LEFT, WHIPPING James RIGHT, toward the island. He lets go of the rope, COASTS up to the island and hops on. His tux remains dry. As he cleans his shoes with his hanky, he notices a WOMAN on a bench, crying. JAMES (CONT’D) Hello, the name is Wong, James Wong. (beat) Forgive me, but you seem distressed. May I help? WOMAN No thank you. I thought for a moment you were my husband. He fell off the island right from that spot two hours ago. JAMES Oh, him. He’ll be fine my dear. I’m sure he’ll be phoning you shortly. Good night. Suddenly, her cellphone rings. James nods, straightens his bow tie and heads toward the casino. CUT TO: ESTABLISHING SHOT of a Taj Mahal theme CASINO. Except for the opulence of the casino, we are obviously in a third world FOREIGN country-- dusty roads, street vendors, old men on donkeys and dilapidated buildings... An irritating creaking noise draws our attention to a faded wooden sign which reads: WELCOME TO THE REPUBLIC OF AMSCRAY-- A Great Place to Hang! 5.

INT. CASINO - NIGHT Wealthy looking Arabs and Europeans drink and gamble as if the world was theirs. The camera finds James, leaning against the bar. JAMES’S POV: Through the hooka smoke, he’s closely eyeing three SHADY CHARACTERS sitting at a table. Except for different hairdos and facial hair, they have an uncanny RESEMBLANCE to the STOOGES: picture MOE with his hair greased back and a small Hitler mustache. We notice his right hand is made of GOLD, permanently stuck in the ‘Peace Sign’ position. LARRY’s curly locks are combed over straight and he’s wearing funky sunglasses. CURLY has a Fu Manchu. With them is an AMERICAN LOOKING MAN, WILSON, handing them a SMALL PACKAGE. This is James’ cue. He approaches with his gun drawn and rests his drink on the table. Wilson looks up, alarmed to see James. JAMES Hand it over, dirt bags. (beat) How much are they paying you, Wilson? I always figured you for a greedy turncoat louse. MOE LOOK-ALIKE (foreign accent) What is ‘louse’? JAMES It’s a tiny infestating parasite that-- never mind! Just then, in an instant, the Moe look-alike peers down at his GOLD FINGERS and lunges an EYE POKE at James. James quickly defends himself with the barrel of his gun. The gold fingers stop short of James’ eyes. After a few more lunges fail to hit their mark, Moe look-a-like FLIPS the table over and the threesome BOLTS for the DOOR. James catches his drink mid-air and takes a swig. Agent Wilson pulls his gun, too late; James puts one in his chest then pours his drink on Wilson’s head... JAMES (CONT’D) This one’s on you, pal. As the casino PATRONS duck for cover, an armed GUARD with a MACHINE GUN and a mug of beer, blocks the doorway. James shoots him in the knee and GRABS the beer. JAMES (CONT’D) You won’t be needing this... James needlessly kicks him in the stomach, spots the fleeing three and sprints after them. 6.

EXT. STREETS OF AMSCRAY - NIGHT The bad guys are speeding away in a beat-up pickup truck while James’ suped-up Porsche follows in a Bond-esque chase. James attempts to muscle the pickup off the road, but the Porsche is no match... it’s sent tumbling over and over as James’ body HANGS HALF OUT OF THE CAR flopping and banging against the cement like a rag doll. When the dust clears, James miraculously gets up and pulls out what appears to be a switchblade. Instead of cold steel, a small WHISKBROOM pops out of the handle. James calmly brushes himself off. The pickup truck skids and hits a tree. While the spies are unconscious, James searches their jackets and finds the FLASH DRIVE. When he hears the sound of approaching Amscray Police sirens, he escapes into the woods. DISSOLVE TO: TITLE CARD: JAMES WONG RETURNS (With The Three Stooges) IN GOLDFINGERS MUSIC SWELLS over James Bond Style Opening Graphics. Slow motion naked silhouetted women doing underwater acrobatics. (see attached segment) END OPENING CREDITS. DISSOLVE TO:

INT. DIRECTOR OF THE CIA’S OFFICE - DAY BUD JAMELSON, CIA Director, answers his phone.(picture Bud Jamison from the original Three Stooges) Also in the room is SHELLY BEECH, TECH ANALYST, early 30’s. She has a pretty face but is a bit plump. Probably hasn’t been on a date in a while. Jamelson is on the phone with James Wong. Intercut phone conversation... BUD JAMELSON Please tell me you got the flash drive... Great! (beat) But what??... What do you mean they got away? JAMES They wrapped their car around a tree and they were all out cold, or dead, I couldn’t tell. (MORE) 7.

JAMES (CONT'D) The heat was on my tail, so I grabbed the flash drive and had to bolt. The NOISE grows louder from the MAINTENANCE MEN working OUTSIDE Jamelson’s office. BUD JAMELSON (screams) Keep it down out there!!! (into phone) Hold on a moment James. Jamelson opens his office door to reveal the real MOE, LARRY and CURLY mopping the hallway floor. BUD JAMELSON (CONT’D) I told you imbeciles to keep it down! (beat) Tell me, what did you morons do before you became ‘lousy’ janitors? MOE Aw, we were lousy at everything... except Vaudeville dancing! Best ‘soft-shoe hoofers’ in the city. BUD JAMELSON What city? MOE Schenectady. (to Larry and Curly) Let’s give em a little demo boys. The old “hot foot shuffle” on three... The Stooges break into a Gregory Hines worthy dance. It’s actually really good. BUD JAMELSON Well, keep it down. He heads back to his office, slamming the door behind him. MOE Now look what you’ve done. You scared the boss away. CURLY Maybe he’s just bashful. MOE Maybe so, open your mouth. 8.

Moe sticks the mop in Curly’s mouth and pushes upward. It actually pitches a TENT in Curly’s skull. He then pulls it out and konks him with it. LARRY Hey, leave him alone. Without looking, Moe whips the mop handle over his shoulder and KONKS Larry in the forehead. MOE You heard the man, keep it down, musk ox. (to Larry) And you too Porcupine! LARRY I’m gonna be as quiet as a little mouse, with moccasins on. MOE A little mouse eh? So you’re gonna need four little moccasins. LARRY Aw, nah. Two will do fine. MOE You got ‘em. Moe eye pokes Larry. MOE (CONT’D) Now get busy!

INT. OFFICE Jamelson gets back on the phone with James Wong. BUD JAMELSON Sorry James. Those moron janitors are making a racket out there. (beat) Listen, if those three spies got away then there’s nothing you can do there alone. Contact Special ops Five. They have a unit out there just off-shore. Tell them what you know, then have them capture those three spies. Get your ass back here for a briefing tomorrow. DISSOLVE TO: 9.

INT. JAMELSONS OFFICE - NEXT DAY James sits across from Jamelson. The plump SHELLY BEECH enters and puts a file on Jamelson’s desk. Her eyes light up when she sees James Wong. SHELLY So James, how were the sandy beaches of Amscray? JAMES (matter of fact) Mostly topless. This obviously prickles Shelly. Jamelson shoots them a look, then opens the file. CLOSE ON FILE: We see pictures of the three spies that resemble THE THREE STOOGES. Shelly is still unwittingly ogling James. BUD JAMELSON Shelly! Would you please begin the briefing. SHELLY Yes sir. Shelly taps her cellphone OPENING A PANEL on the wall exposing several VIDEO MONITORS surrounded by high tech blinking lights and gadgets. A picture of the look-alike Stooges comes on the screen. SHELLY (CONT’D) These guys are the same trio from the REPUBLIC OF AMSCRAY that tried to steal documents from Russia last year. They were looking for info on the Spitnikkel stealth command module. JAMES I scanned the flash drive over and over, and the information Wilson sold them was related to our Long Range Missile Guidance Systems. BUD JAMELSON Speaking of Wilson, off the record... is he buried I hope? JAMES (matter of fact) Hopefully, quite dead you know. BUD JAMELSON Bravo. Back to the flash drive. Why Long Range Missile Guidance intel? (MORE) 10.

BUD JAMELSON (CONT'D) Why would a country that has no nuclear or biological weaponry need missiles with intercontinental range capability? So if they had a missile that could reach New York City-- what good would that do them? JAMES (fake laugh) I think there is more to it than that. They wouldn’t have paid Wilson a fortune for information they couldn’t use. (beat) They’ve got something up their sleeve, and they plan on launching it remotely by either Missile or Drone. From all accounts, I hear that Wermonger is an unstable character. SHELLY To say the least...

Shelly touches a few more buttons and a different monitor displays a head shot of a 40ish year-old hippy stoner, WOLFGANG WERMONGER III. James snarls at the site of him. JAMES How did that goofy bastard, and an American no less, end up as the President of a wholesale degenerate island... that is, by the way, capable of relocating? BUD JAMELSON Relocating?? JAMES I had to chase it in my boat. The GPS signal gives permanent but false coordinates of where the island really is... which could be anywhere. BUD JAMELSON Nonsense, you must have had missed your coordinates. JAMES Perhaps, but I didn’t miss the chap in the water wearing a tuxedo. It’s a long story. (MORE) 11.

JAMES (CONT'D) Shelly, get back to Wermonger please.

SHELLY Amscray has no natural resources, and no standing army that we know of. But Wermonger provides one thing most Presidents, Dictators and dignitaries can’t get at home... VICE! By offering, for a hefty price, a safe haven of vulgar refuge with lavish casinos, 5-STAR Restaurants, (looks at James, loses her composure) ... And ladies of the night for heartless men who wouldn’t show an ounce of affection on Valentine’s Day to a woman who would give a kidney just to... BUD JAMELSON Shelly! Keep on point. SHELLY (composes) But most important is his guaranteed protection of anonymity of his super high profile clientele. This keeps him in favor with everyone from Lithuania to Madagascar... or Mozambique to Constantinople, or... JAMES (annoyed) Yeah, Yeah we get it. But how did a stoned surfer dude become president of an island? SHELLY I was hoping you’d ask. Shelly flicks on yet another monitor. We see a montage of 1980’s eight millimeter film showing... -- A young Wolfgang Wermonger III, obviously super rich, getting out of a limousine at Yale University. He’s sporting shoulder length hair and dressed like a hippy. -- He’s partying with his college buddies at different restaurants and pubs, PAYING for everything. 12.

-- Wolfgang is in a dorm room, sitting on a TWEED FENDER BASSMAN AMPLIFIER playing a BLACK GIBSON LES PAUL electric guitar and singing... POORLY. His entourage sit on the couch listening, pretending to be into it. SHELLY NARRATES over the next clip. SHELLY (CONT’D) Five years later, he’s still the same spoiled Hippy, but is now helping his DAD who opened the first Casino on Amscray, creating jobs and increasing prosperity. But more importantly, heading off a brewing revolution after years of oppression from then dictator HEINDRICK VON SWINDLER. Shelly stops the video. SHELLY (CONT’D) Eventually Von Swindler was ousted and Wermonger’s father was elected President. He wasn’t a saint, but people were making money and didn’t seem to care. When he died mysteriously of cyanide poison found in his Twinkies and milk, the police suspected his son Wolfgang. Word on the street was he always resented his dad for belittling him about his bad music and ambition to be a rock star... FILM CLIP, MOS. We see Wermonger’s dad SAWING one of Wolfgang’s favorite FENDER STRATOCASTER GUITARS in half, with young Wolfgang crying in the background. BUD JAMELSON He was in line to get it all anyway. How do they know it was the kid? SHELLY Because he was the only one to deliver Dad’s nightly Twinkies and milk. JAMES And, word on the ocean is that he wanted to speed up the process. 13.

SHELLY The charges were dropped, however, right about the same time everyone on Amscray’s Police force turned in their donkey’s... INSERT QUICK SHOT of a POLICE DONKEY wearing a police car light held on his head by a STRAP under its Chin. (see attached segment) SHELLY (CONT’D) ...and started driving Mercedes at the citizen’s expense. Their taxes increased threefold. In fact, there is more chance now of a rebellion than when dictator von Swindler was in power. Check this out... ON MONITOR: Outside Wermonger’s SPRAWLING COMPOUND surrounded by thirty foot walls and plenty of GUARDS, a small but passionate group of REBELS are assembled peacefully, waving protest signs for Wermonger to abdicate. In the forefront of the rebellion we notice a weathered, mean looking MAN in his sixties. This is AVI, obviously their leader. Along side him is a hot, but hardened woman, AURORA, 30’s. SHELLY (CONT’D) This is the episode that pushed him from a spoiled egotistical dictator... to a certified nut. Shelly continues the film of the demonstration when SUDDENLY WERMONGER APPEARS on top of the wall, back lit by strong spotlights with a GUITAR hanging around his neck, wearing a HEADSET/MIC. His guitar is plugged into a ‘FULL STACK MARSHAL AMP’. WERMONGER Honorable peasants of Amscray! I realize that the turnip harvest has been decimated by the Bulgarian buck tooth Root Maggot, and times have been tough... like even a total bummer, man. But tonight I have a double surprise for you dudes and dudettes! One from the Royal Gardens of the palace and the second, from yours truly and his Gibson Les Paul ‘Burst’ magic wand! (hollers to guards) First, disperse the turnips! The video shows dozens of GUARDS dumping bushel baskets of Turnips into the crowd. 14.

Most of the peasants gather all the turnips they can. WE SEE AVI and AURORA discouraging them from taking any. WERMONGER (CONT’D) Eat hearty my friends. And now, groove on this! Colored stage lights come up on Wermonger as he starts to jam on his guitar. It’s an unrecognizable squeal of dissonant, ear splitting noise. Off to the side, we see his white and brindle colored ENGLISH BULLDOG begin to howl at these sounds. The rebels, even the desperately hungry ones, begin THROWING the turnips at Wermonger. One BEANS him square in the forehead, knocking him off the thirty-foot wall. WE HEAR (O.S.) the thumping of drums and crashing of symbols, as he has obviously landed on the drum set. JAMES This maniac obviously has major problems on the home front. SHELLY Quite right. And they’re getting worse. Our sources report that a School Bus carrying 40 children disappeared into thin air. The locals are convinced that Wermonger had the bus hijacked. James leans back and crosses his legs as Shelly answers a phone call. JAMES (to Jamelson) Okay, so let’s work with the facts we have. We know that Wermonger is a certified nut. We also know that he’s the unopposed leader of Amscray and there is no way to get close to him unless we place insurgents in his trusted inner circle. JAMELSON Which would almost be impossible to do... Shelly hangs up the phone in the B.G., smiling. SHELLY The three spies have been captured by Special Ops Unit 5 and are being flown here as we speak. They were nabbed posing as turnip vendors. 15.

Bud’s nod of approval is interrupted by more konking, clanging and commotion from the hallway outside Jamelson’s office. Jamelson, at wits end, gets up and yanks his door open to see Moe WRINGING Curly’s head in the mop wringer. His head squishes like a sponge. CURLY Oh! Oh! Oh! Moe, you’re crushing my eyebrows. MOE Hey look, there’s more water coming out of his head than the mop! LARRY Maybe he’s got water on the brain! MOE What brain? LARRY (Proudly) You know Moe, It’s a scientific fact that the human body is made up of Ninety-Eight% water. MOE Ninety-Eight% eh, you want to know what the other TWO is? LARRY Give me a hint. MOE These. Moe raises up two fingers and pokes Larry in the eyes. MOE (CONT’D) Now shaddup and get busy! An infuriated Jamelson stomps toward the Stooges-- Suddenly he SLIPS on the wet floor, BANGING his head, KNOCKING HIM OUT. When Jamelson opens his eyes, in his BLURRED state, he sees not the Stooges hovering over him, but the three SPIES that resemble them-- complete with facial hair and glasses. Jamelson shakes it off and the Stooges REVERT BACK to their normal looks. James and Shelly assist Jamelson back to his desk chair and slam the office door.

INT. JAMELSON’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Shelly dabs Jamelson’s head with a wet face cloth. He PUSHES their arms away and SPRINGS UP with a renewed vigor. 16.

BUD JAMELSON I got it! I got it! I GOT IT!! James and Shelly look at each other confused. JAMES What have you got sir, besides a headache? BUD JAMELSON A way to find out what Wermonger’s really up to! JAMES And how would we do that, sir? BUD JAMELSON We send a flash drive containing bogus information back to Amscray via three look-alike agents! JAMES And... We would get these agents at the CIA Surplus Look-Alike Store? SHELLY He’s got a point sir. It would take a lot of painful cosmetic surgery and intensive training... and we don’t have that kind of time, sir. BUD JAMELSON (upbeat) We don’t need any time or cosmetic surgery, the characters are already in place... SMASH CUT TO:

INT. CORRIDOR MOE Come on you lugs, if we show the boss what we’re made of, we’ll climb to the top of the ladder. They’ll name latrine stalls after us! LARRY (sarcastic) CIA... SHMI-I-A, it could take years to climb to the top of this crooked ladder. 17.

Moe grabs Larry’s hair and steers him to a nearby stepladder. MOE Yeah, well for now you’ll climb this one and change that light bulb! Curly’s leaning on his mop watching. MOE (CONT’D) And what are you doing? CURLY I’m waiting till he gets the bulb changed so I can flick the switch to see if it woiks. MOE So, you’re the light switch flicker eh? CURLY (insubordinate) It’s CHIEF light switch flicker to you. Curly pulls out an ID CARD, it reads: ASSOCIATION OF LIGHT SWITCHERS UNION #552 MOE 552 eh? That rings a bell. CURLY Oh, would you like to buy tickets to the 552 ball? MOE Noo, I’ll donate here. Moe cross slaps him twice, then pokes him in the eyes. MOE (CONT’D) There’s your 5-5-2. Now go on and Get Busy! ANGLE ON: Jamelson as he walks out of his office in his stocking feet, in fear of slipping again. Shelly and James are standing in Jamelson’s doorway watching... BUD JAMELSON (to Stooges) Gentlemen, Gentlemen... Stooges turn around to see who he’s talking to. 18.

JAMELSON How would you like an opportunity to serve your country? They’re are all ears. STOOGES Yes? BUD JAMELSON Boys, this is a serious matter of our national security. STOOGES Yes, Yes!! BUD JAMELSON The country needs your help. We must send you on an international espionage mission that almost guarantees a slow torturous death should you get caught. STOOGES Noooooo! BUD JAMELSON Yes!! MOE Hey, wait a second boss. What’s in it for us? BUD JAMELSON You will be promoted to the highest positions possible. MOE Hear that boys, a promotion. Just like I been tellin’ ya. BUD JAMELSON Boys, let us extend our hands in fraternity, for duty and humanity. The Stooges extend their hands and Jamelson lays a hand over theirs. STOOGES For Duty and Humanity! Stooges pick up mops and shoulder them like rifles. They turn one by one, with each mop SCHLOPPING Jamelson in the face. Stooges march off. 19.

INT. DIRECTOR OF THE CIA’S OFFICE Jamelson, James, and Shelly are continuing with their staff meeting. BUD JAMELSON As you know, we have another problem to deal with. That Benedict Arnold Wermonger captured three of our agents, including our best Encryption Analyst... Stule McPigeon and two Special Ops Agents. Stule is a loyal soldier, but would crumble under the threat of a cold toilet seat. By all accounts, they’re still alive. (beat) Shelly? Shelly, throws a sensuous look toward James, then purposely KICKS OFF one of her SHOES, which lands in front of him. SHELLY Oh goodness. James, would you be a dear and get my shoe? The shoe is almost as wide as it is long. James picks it up gingerly with two fingers. SHELLY (CONT’D) Be careful, James, these are Jimmy Choo’s. JAMES They look more like Jimmy Choo- Choo’s. (beat) I’m sorry Shelly, So may I... SHELLY (cuts him off) Yes James, you may! She extends her porky foot like Cinderella. JAMES ...suggest Odor Eaters? They’re on sale at CVS. Instead of slipping it on her, James HANDS her the shoe like it was filled with a chunk of Limburger Cheese. SHELLY (under her breath) Thank you very little. 20.

JAMELSON (loosing patience) Shelly! SHELLY Yes sir. BUD JAMELSON We picked up chatter within President Wermonger’s organization that has led us to believe he’s going to be dropping something big. We don’t know what it’ll be exactly, or when. (stands) Suddenly, I can see the solution clearly. James and Shelly look at him with skepticism. SHELLY Sir, you’ve just taken a hard blow to your head. BUD JAMELSON Maybe that’s what it took to see the big picture. JAMES Before you suggest what I think you’re going to suggest, let me propose something; Send me in instead. I’ll figure out what this Wermonger is planning, take him out, rescue McPigeon and company, liberate the child hostages, and fly back just in time for my ticker- tape parade. SHELLY (excited) Oh, James. Picture the two of us sitting on the back of a convertible waiving to the crowd. Can’t you see it? She mimes it. JAMES Shelly, I actually see you in an Ox’s Yoke, pulling the car. Shelly bristles at this, but as usual, shrugs it off. 21.

BUD JAMELSON James, it sounds good, but it’s a suicide mission. We need to infiltrate his circle of trust. That’s where those three look-alike idiots come in. Jamelson motions for Shelly to bring up satellite images on the screen. As she does, Bud discretely takes some deep breaths, and pops a couple PILLS. JAMES (notices) You OK, sir? BUD JAMELSON My nerves. This job is gonna’ kill me! The Doctor said my blood pressure could run a small steam ship. But my instincts and a slight concussion have shown me the light. JAMES If I may, sir. I think this is a HUGE mistake. BUD JAMELSON Noted. But here’s why I disagree. We’re gonna send in our best man with them... James thinks about that for a second, then realizes who their best man is... JAMES Oh no. Hell no... Please. For the love of God, don’t do this to me. BUD JAMELSON What’s gotten into you Wong? May I remind you that you work for The CIA. You have no choice. JAMES Not quite sir. May I remind you that I am on loan from The Ministry Of State Security Of The People’s Republic Of China, Beijing. BUD JAMELSON OK, James, have it your way. I’ll ship you home, first class. Then you can explain to your superiors why you ‘chickened’ out of a mission with global implications. 22.

Off James’ look of concession, we... CUT TO:

INT. CIA BRIEFING ROOM The Stooges sit across from Director Jamelson. A shot of PRESIDENT WOLFGANG WERMONGER III is on screen: He exhibits a big smile. Doesn’t look like the awful dictator we’ve seen on Shelly’s presentations. Looks more like your overly friendly hippie neighbor. LARRY He don’t look like such a bad egg. BUD JAMELSON Maybe not, but he has some of the most dangerous assassins on his payroll. CURLY Alaskans? I thought they were on our side. I love their Eskimo pies. MOE (snarls) No, assassins-- it’s a guy who does this... (Moe crisscross slaps Curly) And this... (Moe twists Curly’s ears with a crunch) CURLY OK, OK, I get it! BUD JAMELSON (patience thinning) Boys, boys, Here’s the short of it... You’re in a unique position. We need you, your country needs you. We want you three to go behind Amscray’s lines and do your duty. CURLY Do we bring our own mops and pails? MOE This is the CIA dummy. They’ll give us brand new mops and pails when we get there! 23.

LARRY Hey, I want it in writing! And make sure you cross your T’s and dot your I’s. MOE Quite an astute request, Barrister. Moe grabs a pen off the desk and DOINKS Larry in the eye. MOE (CONT’D) There’s your dotted eye. Now cross your own T. (to Curly) What about you? CURLY (flinches) I’m fine with the old mops and pails. BUD JAMELSON You’re the only three that can pull this off. You can gain access to places we can’t. Any questions? MOE (indignant) Yeah, seems this mission is pretty important to you. BUD JAMELSON It’s important to every man woman and child of the free world. MOE Yeah, Yeah, Well, forget the women and children, we’ve got a few demands of our own there, Skipper. BUD JAMELSON (taken aback) What did you have in mind? Curly starts to speak and Moe gives him a quick slap. MOE That’s enough. (to Jamelson) I’m thinking three clean pair of underwear each. Tighty Whities for me and Larry and triple X boxers for the Woolly Mammoth. Box lunches every day, no pickles, and a movie on the trip over. 24.

BUD JAMELSON Deal! MOE And... throw in the ear plugs. The Stooges nod to each other in approval. BUD JAMELSON (sarcastic) Sure, gentlemen. The head of Budgeting owes me a big favor. I’ll personally see your lofty demands are met. MOE (to Larry & Curly) Told you he’d fold like a cheap suit! You don’t get nothing if you don’t ask. CUT TO:

INT. CIA BUILDING - BASEMENT Director Jamelson is standing with a team of TECHS outside the JAIL CELL of Wermonger’s CAPTURED SPIES. They look angry. Operative 9-1-1(Moe’s look alike)stares at Jamelson and runs his thumb across his neck. Jamelson just smiles. James sides up to Jamelson as they move on... JAMES You realize what a liability those three janitors are going to be. They’ll do nothing but put this mission, and me, in jeopardy. I can get killed on my own, thanks. BUD JAMELSON But James-- They might recognize you. Suppose that nut Wermonger has a subscription to GQ? With any luck these three idiots can walk right through the front gate of Wermonger’s compound. JAMES I don’t need them. I’ll go in alone. It took me years to learn to trust Stule McPigeon and his team. It takes time-- Look at Agent Wilson, I never saw it coming. Who knew he’d sell out? 25.

BUD JAMELSON Point taken. But these guys are too dumb to sell out. Besides, time’s the one thing we don’t have. We need them trained and ready. Period. They’re our only hope... James takes a deep breath, knowing he has no choice.

INT. CIA TRAINING FACILITY - NIGHT James, Shelly and Jamelson stand before our Stooges, who are dressed in camouflage fatigues, unsure what’s to happen next. JAMES OK, boys let’s begin our training by first reviewing why Wilson was pawning the flash drive to Wermonger’s spies. Moe raises his hand. MOE What’s a flash drive? JAMES Idiots! Let’s just move on to the physical training, and prepare to meet ‘Godzilla’... CURLY I ain’t afraid of him. He’s just a little Japanese guy in a rubber suit. JAMES Oh no, not this Godzilla. James snaps his fingers, and GODZILLA, a BIG SCARY GUY in a black belted Karate outfit, approaches the Stooges GROWLING menacingly. MOE Hey, what’s this guy so mad about? LARRY Someone must have peed on his corn flakes. The man growls louder. The boys huddle. MOE Twenty-two skidoo on ‘break’. 26.

After breaking the huddle, Larry crawls on his hands and knees behind Godzilla. Moe pokes him in the eyes, then Curly does a hand stand and donkey kicks him in the chin, knocking him over Larry. Godzilla lands flat on his back to Tweety Bird SFX. Moe rubs his hands with satisfaction. MOE (CONT’D) Well that takes care of pickle puss. We done here? James is exasperated. CUT TO:

INT. ANOTHER TRAINING ROOM The Stooges are lying on tables next to each other getting WATERBOARDED. It looks horrifying. One of the TRAINERS gets face to face with Curly. TRAINER (menacingly) What have you got to say now American Infidel!? Curly spits a stream of water into his face. The trainer rakes his fingernails through his hair. TRAINER (CONT’D) (to James) That was a 55 gallon drum of saltwater! What do we do now? Off James rubbing his temples: We see a FAST-MO TRAINING MONTAGE: The Stooges fumbling through assorted exercise equipment. Spin Bikes, Weight Machines, Climbing Ropes, etc. CUT TO:

INT. CIA HAIR SALON - DAY Moe, Larry and Curly are sitting in barber’s chairs being worked over by a TEAM OF STYLISTS, (ala The Wizard of Oz makeover scene), making them look EXACTLY like the captured spies. After a SERIES OF SHOTS of the Stooges getting plucked, tweaked and groomed, we... CUT TO: 27.

INT. CIA TECH LAB - DAY James and the Stooges are in a busy complex Lab, filled with equipment and TECHNICIANS in WHITE LAB COATS. They’re all working on some kind of high tech gadgets. James approaches a BALD HEADED MAN. JAMES Q-ball is our Chief technician and he’s going to walk you through the gadgetry you’ll need to survive. Pay close attention; your lives may depend on it. (to Q-Ball) These are your new operatives for operation Ixnay-Amscray. Good luck! Q-Ball discretely slips a SMALL GOLD PILL BOX to James, which he slips in his pocket. James winks to Q-Ball, then exits. Q-BALL (heavy British Accent) Follow me gentleman, and touch nothing. CURLY (aside to Moe) I can hardly understand him. Does everyone around here got an accent? Curly pulls out a block of CUE STICK CHALK from his pocket. CURLY (CONT’D) Here you go Cuey, here’s some chalk for your English. NYUK NYUK! Q-BALL I don’t play billiards. What would I do with that? MOE Here, let me show you. Moe grabs the chalk and CHALKS UP his index and middle fingers. He then pokes Curly in the eyes. When Curly bats his eyes, it appears that he is wearing blue eye shadow. Q-BALL Gentlemen!! Please pay attention. Follow me. As the Stooges follow Q-Ball through the lab, they notice a MAN sitting in a cubicle, reading the paper. There’s a ceiling fan rotating slowly above his head. Curly, lagging behind, notices a RED switch on the wall... 28.

CURLY HMMM, A Red Switch. Looks you’re not suppose to touch this. Curly flips it ON. Suddenly the fan speeds up, LOWERS down from the ceiling and LOPS the man’s head off, landing at Curly’s feet. CURLY (CONT’D) NYAH-AH! Curly discreetly kicks the head back into the cubicle, not realizing it’s only a life-like dummy. MOE (turns to Curly) Hey puddin’ head, quit bothering the help. He’s liable to get us thrown out of here. CURLY Oh, he won’t say nothing, I guarantee it. Q-Ball leads them into a test room and closes the door. There’s a table and chairs on one side and a GLASSED-IN ROOM on the other. He picks up a HALF-DOLLAR coin off the table. Q-BALL Gentlemen, what do you see here? MOE Enough for a cheap lunch. CURLY A bus fare... if I had somewhere to go. LARRY I see what my Pappy left me when he rolled a seven. Poor bugger died dancing... on the end of a rope. Q-BALL Amusing gentleman, but it’s not a two-pence at all. Let me demonstrate. Q-Ball enters the glassed-in area and stretches the coin in all directions like it was pizza dough. Q-BALL (CONT’D) You can stretch it up to thirty centimeters. 29.

Q-Ball then presses the stretched material against the lock on a BANK-SIZED VAULT. He rushes out of the glassed-in room and orders them to block their ears, then... BOOM. The safe door is easily blown open. Q-BALL (CONT’D) Once you stretch it, you have twenty seconds before it becomes an all purpose incendiary device. He holds another explosive coin out to the boys. They all reach for it. Moe grabs it. MOE Spread out! I’ll take that! Moe stuffs the coin in his pocket. Q-BALL Please! Just follow me. Cuey opens a Lab door to reveal a BLACK MAN with a SHINY BALD HEAD in a white lab coat. Q-BALL (CONT’D) Boys, meet 8-Ball, he’ll take it from here, and please dispense with the revelry. The Stooges pull out their pockets looking for ‘revelry’ and shrug. 8-Ball begins his presentation. He holds up a disposable CIGARETTE LIGHTER. 8-BALL Gentlemen, seems like an ordinary disposable lighter, right? MOE I don’t care much for those new fangled gadgets myself. Matches are free at Clancy’s Pool Hall. 8-BALL Clancy’s on Broad and Vine?? MOE That’s right. Old Joe’s still bartending, by the way. 8-BALL No kiddin’? The money I hustled there put me through CIA School. (composes) OK gentlemen, back to this lighter. (MORE) 30.

8-BALL (CONT'D) It’s also a multistage torch, capable of delivering a two thousand degree jet engine type flame by firmly holding the button down. 8-Ball demonstrates by blow-torching a SCARECROW to ashes. The Stooges are impressed. Then Larry points to 8-Ball’s FAMILY PORTRAIT on the wall. There are seven kids and a good looking mom. LARRY (matter of fact) Hey, nice looking family. They all hers? 8-BALL YES, they’re my heart and soul, thank you. Curly, intrigued by the lighter, remains behind as the group moves on. He holds the button down, activating the blow- torch, vaporizing 8-Ball’s FAMILY PORTRAIT. CURLY (sotto) Nyah-ah-ah. I think he meant Hot and Soul Curly stuffs the lighter in his pocket and catches up with the group. 8-BALL Okay guys, we’re finished here. Report back to Q-Ball. (whispers aside to Moe) Say Hi to Joe for me. 8-BALL picks up a hallway INTERCOM/PHONE. 8-BALL (CONT’D) (into phone) Q-BALL please report to your office. I’m bringing the three trainees back to you.

INT. Q-BALL’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Q-BALL Moe, to look like Operative-911’s GOLD FINGERED HAND, we’ve designed a replica for you, with twice the power and force. 31.

Q-Ball straps on the GOLD HAND for a demonstration. Q-BALL (CONT’D) As soon as you fold your thumb down, the fingers will extend out with lethal force. We see the retracted finger springs to full extension as a MAN wearing a KARATE Gi is holding up a WOODEN BOARD. Q-BALL (CONT’D) Then you lunge, right for the eyes. Q-Ball lunges at the board, leaving two poked HOLES where the target eyes were painted. CURLY Hey Quey, Moe don’t need them. His pokin’ fingers are fine the way they are! Pay attention... Curly recites as he draws an equation ‘E=MP2’ on a blackboard. CURLY (CONT’D) Eyes equals Moe’s Pokes Squared. NYUK NYUK! Moe looks back and forth between The Gold Fingers and his own. LARRY Ha Ha. Now he don’t even know which ones to use. Doink! Moe pokes Larry in the yes with his normal hand. MOE (to Larry) I just remembered. Q-Ball triple slaps them. Q-BALL (frustrated) Gentlemen, pay attention! This is an extremely powerful and very expensive hand. Please be sure to return it in one piece! Q-Ball looks up to see Moe sticking one of his gold fingers in an electric pencil sharpener. MOE Got it boss! Worry about nothin’. 32.

A weary Q-Ball leads The Stooges toward the exit. En route, they pass by a windowed room with two HUMAN-LIKE ROBOTS facing each other. There are two REMOTE CONTROLS on a TV Monitor outside the window. MOE (CONT’D) Hey Quey, why are those two creepy guys staring at each other? Q-BALL They’re idle until activated. Those are the latest in Artificial Intelligence HUMANOIDS. All very hush hush. Come along now gentlemen. As Moe follows Q-Ball to the exit, we see Larry and Curly lag behind, spotting the REMOTE CONTROLS. CURLY Oooh look, a channel changerer. LARRY Well turn that TV on. CURLY I think we’re missing Flipper. They pick up the remote controls and start punching buttons. The robots spring to life and the closed circuit TV displays just the robots. LARRY Hey look, those big metal dolls got their own TV show. CURLY Who wants to watch them. Find Flipper. Larry and Curly begin pressing buttons randomly on the remotes. One of the robots punches the other’s head clean OFF. Smoke spirals out of it’s neck hole. LARRY/CURLY Nyahh Larry and Curly DROP the remote controls and run to catch up with Q-Ball and Moe. Moe sees them approaching and sticks his pinkies in each of their nostrils and drags the along. MOE Hey you lone wolves, keep up with the pack. 33.

Q-BALL (shakes their hands) OK gentlemen, we’re through. You are now Mr. Jamelson’s problem. His office is down the hall on the left.

INT. HALLWAY - OFFICE DOOR Instead of barging in, the Stooges have their ears pressed against door.

INT. OFFICE Director Jamelson opens the door and the Stooges collapse into the room. BUD JAMELSON (O.S.) Gentlemen! We’ve been expecting you (off their new disguises) Perfect, Wermonger himself wouldn’t recognize you. You could fool their mothers. The training went well I presume? Jamelson turns to James. Proud of their disguises. BUD JAMELSON (CONT’D) (to James) What do you think of their metamorphosis? JAMES Useless. Like putting a tuxedo on a pig. BUD JAMELSON Come on James, be a team player, what choices do we have? Jamelson looks at his watch. BUD JAMELSON (CONT’D) (to stooges) Get a good night’s rest men, you ship out at 0500 hours! CURLY Five hundred hours? Curly slowly moves his head side to side as WE HEAR ADDING MACHINE SFX. After a moment his head stops, he punches his chest and a receipt slides out of his mouth. He tears it off and READS IT ALOUD... 34.

CURLY (CONT’D) Five hundred hours?! That’s twenty point eight days. Talk about a good night’s rest. Moe slaps Curly. CURLY (CONT’D) What was that for? MOE I’m not sure, but I don’t trust your math. MOE (CONT’D) (to Larry) What about you? LARRY Oh, I’m all packed... (fluffs his hair) I just need to buy a bathing cap. Moe snarls and picks up a nearby wastebasket. MOE You know kid, I was at Walmart and I picked one up for you. LARRY Oh, thanks Moe, lemme have it. MOE You got it. Moe crashes the WASTEBASKET over Larry’s head. He then punches the wastebasket, reeling Larry back who flops into a chair. MOE (CONT’D) Now go on! DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MILITARY PLANE - 0500 HOURS. The Stooges sit across from James in the hold of a C-130 Hercules Military transport plane. It’s loud and bumpy. MOE (to Curly) Sit still Dumbo, you’re making the plane rock! 35.

CURLY I’m no circus elephant. MOE Naw, your ears are too small. Moe pulls down the overhead hand strap and puts it under Curly’s chin, choking him. CO-PILOT (O.S.) One minute to the drop!! The Stooges inch slowly toward the door. James steps ahead of them. JAMES (yelling over wind noise) In case something goes wrong and I don’t get to say this, I want you three to know... I hate your guts and I hope you hit the ground at 120 miles per hour. James shakes his head and jumps. MOE (panicked) Great, where we suppose to meet him? CURLY That’s easy, on the ground! Moe launches his Gold Fingers towards Curly’s eyes. Curly ducks, and Moe’s hand punches through the wall of the plane. The Stooges watch in horror as the priceless Gold Fingers PLUMMET to the ground. MOE You idiot! Now look what you’ve done. I’m libel to have to pay for a new set of Gold Fingers. Annoyed with the Stooges, the co-pilot pushes them out of the plane--

EXT. SKY - CONTINUOUS The Stooges scream their heads off as they plummet to the ground... 3 STOOGES AHHHHHHHH!!!! 36.

As they pick up speed, we see Larry’s sunglasses blow off his head, and his hair poof back to his normal do. Moe’s mustache flies off and his hair goes back to it’s bowl cut. CURLY Hey fellas! When’s this parachute gonna’ open? The grounds getting closer and I ain’t slowin’ down. MOE Just aim for that steel picket fence. It’ll break your fall. Larry grabs on to Moe. MOE (CONT’D) Get off me, you idiot! I can’t reach my rip cord! ON CURLY who pulls the wrong buckle, sending his parachute pack completely OFF his back. Curly free falls onto Larry and Moe. They are clinging to each other in typical Stooge fashion. When Moe’s chute finally opens, they notice a HELICOPTER below them. CURLY What’s that doing here? That wasn’t in the play book. It’s a black KOREAN WAR ERA HELICOPTER with ‘THE REPUBLIC OF AMSCRAY’ crest.

INT. HELICOPTER - CONTINUOUS The CO-PILOT is giving instructions over his shoulder to a hideous looking HENCHMAN, FANGS, with a mouthful of Mountain Lion-size teeth filed to a sharp point. PULL BACK to reveal that the henchman is a DWARF. The pilot spots James running across the field with his bundled up parachute. CO-PILOT A Rebelionist!.. You know what to do Fangs, show no mercy. Fangs gnashes his teeth. CO-PILOT (CONT’D) Bon appetite. 37.

The Pilot extends a hand for good luck. Fangs snaps at it like a Chihuahua. CREWMAN attaches a cable to Fang’s harness, flips the switch and lowers him out.

EXT. SKY - CONTINUOUS As Fangs is lowered with James in his sights, the plummeting Stooges are on a collision course with Fangs from above. They collide with the mini henchman, swinging him into the nearby ELECTRICAL POWER LINES. He winds around one of the lines four or five revolutions. The Stooges end up on a parallel power line a few feet away. Fangs uses his body weight to swing back and forth, snapping his teeth the whole time. He can’t swing close enough to bite. Frustrated, Fangs swings with all his might to reach the Stooges with his lethal teeth. As he is about to bite Moe, Moe pushes the high tension wire INTO FANG’S MOUTH. The sparks and flames blow the STOOGES OFF the wire and onto the ground below with a thud. We see Fangs remain on the wire, sizzling. INT. HELICOPTER PILOT Reel him up, Reel him up!! The CREWMAN ratchets up the cable with a loud steady clinking noise of a medieval drawbridge. Instead of pulling Fangs closer to the chopper, the chopper is being dragged DOWN towards the wires. The pilots get a last look at the CHARRED and BLACKENED Fangs with only his tiny army boots and pointy teeth recognizable. Seconds later, the chopper is drawn into the wires and EXPLODES. BACK ON GROUND LARRY Thanks Moe, you saved our lives. MOE Don’t remind me. Moe CLUNKS their heads together. Just then they hear someone whistle from the woods nearby... it’s James. MOE (CONT’D) Sorry James, this little guy came out of nowhere and held us up for a bite, I mean a bit. James softens a little toward the guys. 38.

JAMES Good work fellas, that was one of Wermonger’s most ruthless henchmen. Better yet, by toasting that chopper they can’t radio ahead. Odds are we’re still undetected... (studies Moe) Hey Moe, where are your Gold Fingers, those cost the agency a fortune. MOE (shudders) Say, Jimmy, can I borrow your phone for a sec.? Gotta call the Misses. Moe takes his phone and steps out of earshot. MOE (CONT’D) (into phone) Hey, Quey, It’s Moe... Everything is fine... How much did you say those Gold Fingers were again?... Three Million? At this, Moe drops the phone as his knees buckle and the guys run over to catch him. JAMES What’s the matter? MOE Oh, nothing that three million bucks can’t fix. Annoyed, James heads into the woods. The Stooges follow.

EXT. AMSCRAY - A DIRT ROAD - A SHORT TIME LATER The Stooges and James spot an SUV heading their way. JAMES That’s either our contact, or we’re about to be taken out. MOE Taken out? CURLY To dinner? LARRY (indignant) I’ve had a tough day. I’ll settle for nothing less than Lobster. 39.

MOE (folds his arms) Oh, are you a claw or tail man? LARRY I’m a tail man, indubitably. Claws are for indigents who eat lobster salad with cheap mayonnaise. MOE I beg to differ, Rockefeller. Claws can be quite useful... Moe grabs Larry’s nose and twists it left and right with loud CRUNCHING NOISES. JAMES Shut up. Shut up you fools and pay attention! The SUV comes to a halt. The passenger door swings open and a SMOKING HOT CHICK steps out. James whips out his gun. Instead of raising her hands, she pulls out a hair pin and her hair cascades down her back. James lowers his gun and she approaches. IT’S AURORA, the woman we noticed with AVI in Shelly’s video. JAMES (CONT’D) Aurora! After a long hug, James gives the backstory. JAMES (CONT’D) Boys, This is Aurora Manero. Her dad worked for the Amscranian government back when it was legit. She’s second in command in the revolution against Wermonger to give Amscray back to it’s people. CURLY Whose number one? AURORA It’s AVI. He comes off as a bit of a lunatic, but Avi would give his life for his country, just don’t make eye contact with him. (looks at Stooges) So these are the boys that are going to save the world? What a remarkable resemblance, but where are your beards and mustaches? 40.

MOE (artsy fartsy) The answer my friend, is blowin’ in the wind. JAMES (rolls eyes) Guys, let me handle this. James puts his arm around Aurora and squeezes next to her in the front seat. The Stooges pile into the back seat.

EXT. AMSCRAY DIRT ROAD - DAY The SUV drives down Main Street of a small village.

INT. SUV Larry gives a reassuring wink to Moe. LARRY Hey, Areola... AURORA It’s Aurora. LARRY Right. Do you mind stopping at a hardware store. JAMES What for? LARRY I need some of that... uhh... juice for my contact lenses. CURLY (trying to help) You know, Gorilla Glue. Moe konks Curly in the head. MOE Quiet ape man.

ESTABLISHING SHOT We see the SUV pull up in front of an Amscranian ‘NOT SO TRUE VALUE’ hardware store. The Stooges enter. 41.

INT. HARDWARE STORE The Stooges are huddled in one of the aisles. MOE (to Larry) So, porcupine, what’s your bright idea. You got three-million bucks? LARRY We’re only gonna’ need three bucks. Larry reaches behind Moe and plucks a can of GOLD SPRAY PAINT from the shelf. The price reads 2.99. LARRY (CONT’D) All we gotta do is paint your hand gold. MOE (impressed) That’s borderline genius! Larry’s ego gets the better of him. He begins spray painting Moe’s hand... LARRY You know Moe, you really should pay more attention to these cuticles... MOE (interrupts him) Hey, Earl Scheib, are you done painting? LARRY Yes, and I must say this shade make you look ten pounds thinner. MOE Why thank you Madge. Hey, is that a moth up there? As Larry looks up wide-eyed, Moe takes the can and sprays a burst into Larry’s eye. LARRY OWWW! CURLY Hey, Moe, why don’t you get one of those work gloves while we’re here so you can cover up that hand in case the paint peels? 42.

MOE Now, you’re starting to show half a brain. Moe pats Curly on the head. They exit. DISSOLVE TO:

ESTABLISHING SHOT: GRAND AMSCRAY HOTEL The SUV is parked out front.

INT. SUV - NIGHT Before letting the boys out of the car, Aurora turns to them: AURORA You three go ahead up to your room where your clothes have been laid out for you. Meet us in the “Guitar Bar” at the Casino in one hour. Remember, you are Wermonger’s three favorite henchmen. People will fear you... Are you prepared? The Stooges salute Aurora. MOE/LARRY/CURLY Operative-911/Agent Orange/Ralph

EXT. ENTRANCE GRAND AMSCRAY HOTEL The Stooges head through the REVOLVING DOOR, Moe first. He looks through the glass to catch Larry blowing kisses at Aurora. With his usual scowl, Moe jams his foot in the door causing Larry to SLAM face first into the glass.

INT. GRAND AMSCRAY HOTEL - FRONT DESK The HOTEL MANAGER wearing a monocle and sporting a pencil mustache, recognizes them immediately. There’s a bowl of complimentary Turnips on the desk. Curly GRABS one. HOTEL MANAGER Welcome back from your journey, Comrades. Your Presidential Suite is ready. 43.

In the background, Curly is gnawing and clawing on the turnip. He squeezes it in frustration LAUNCHING it’s gooey innards into the hotel manager’s eye... SPLAT.

HOTEL MANAGER (CONT’D) (wiping his face) You must be hungry from your travels. I will have your favorites, pickled horned lizard tenderloin and cabbage sent up immediately. CURLY (leaning in) Hey bub, remind me again of what our favorites are. HOTEL MANAGER Pickled horned lizard smothered in skunk cabbage. MOE (flinches) Nyah. Just make it three steaks smothered in pork chops. HOTEL MANAGER Of course, gentlemen. Would that be Yak or camel steaks? MOE Skip it, just send up a tube of Pringles. HOTEL MANAGER Would you prefer Potato or Amscranian Turnip Pringles? MOE (annoyed) Surprise us. The Stooges follow the BELLMAN to the elevator.

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT The Bellman opens the door to exhibit a gorgeous Penthouse suite. There are THREE KING-SIZE BEDS lined up side by side. BELLMAN Sirs, your evening wear has been laid out on your beds. 44.

The Bellman puts his hand out for a TIP. Instead of tipping, Curly grabs the Bellman’s breast-pocket HANDKERCHIEF and blows his nose with a HONK. He crumples it up and puts it into the Bellman’s outstretched hand. CURLY Boy, talk about service! How did you know I had a load of nose oysters up there? The Bellman exits with a disgusted huff. CUT TO:

INT. CASINO GUITAR BAR - NIGHT James, wearing a sharp tux, looks across the way to see Aurora, wearing a flowing gown, seated at a poker table. James crosses to her. JAMES (confident smile) You are as radiant as a star and hotter than the sun. He stares into her eyes seductively. She leans in close to him for a kiss, when suddenly, they HEAR a commotion. The Stooges enter and are headed their way.

ANGLE ON STOOGES Curly notices a WAITER wheeling a cart of FLAMING Chateàubriand. Alarmed, Curly grabs a fire extinguisher and douses the flames, the waiter and the CUSTOMERS. He then mashes the platter with the extinguisher, splattering food all over. He swipe-claps his hands for a job well done. CUSTOMER You reprehensible, oafish, buffoon! CURLY (aw shucks) You don’t have to thank me lady. My niece was an incorrigible firebug. ANGLE ON JAMES AND AURORA witnessing this, AURORA (re: the Stooges) Oh my God. 45.

JAMES We don’t need these morons. How bout’ you and I team up and take this Wermonger guy out. Then we live the ‘simple life’ happily ever after. Think about it, you in a grass skirt with those half coconut shells on your boobs. AURORA Quite tempting, but I don’t think ‘Shelley’ would approve. JAMES Have you seen her picture? You’d have to mow Yankee Stadium to make her a grass skirt. And I don’t think they grow coconuts that big. (thinks a moment) And you’d need at least 100LB test straps... AURORA Enough! I get it. The Stooges belly up to the table. Larry and Curly put on their best faces for Aurora. She smiles at them, then turns to Moe: AURORA (CONT’D) Operative 9-1-1, you look quite sharp in that suit. Moe looks around confused. AURORA (CONT’D) (whispers) Remember? You’re Operative 9-1-1, Agent Orange, and Ralph. That’s what the loyalists in Amscray know you as. Moe slaps Larry out of nowhere. MOE Pay attention porcupine. MOE (CONT’D) (to Aurora) Operative 9-1-1! LARRY Agent Orange! 46.

CURLY Curly! Moe gives Curly a stern look. MOE Urly-cay, stick out your tongue. Curly sticks out his tongue and Moe takes a nearby ashtray and dumps it on Curly’s tongue. CURLY (tongue hanging out) Alph!, Alph. Alph! AURORA (whispers to Stooges) Our intelligence indicates Wermonger will be at the beach with his Top Lieutenants tomorrow morning. We need you to link up with him and get key Intel. He’ll trust you as long as you stay in character and speak as little as possible. When you see us on the beach, it’s very important that you don’t recognize us. We’ll be there for cover, but remember, we don’t know you. You don’t know us. CURLY Sure we do. You’re Aurora, and this is Wong, James Wong, CIA super spy. JAMES slaps all three Stooges, one shot. JAMES Never mention our names again. You could get us all killed. Before Aurora can continue, she looks across the way and spots AVI the LEADER of the Revolution, dressed in a suit. AURORA You must go. Now. JAMES What’s the rush, darling? AURORA Avi knows these three as Wermonger’s goons. If he catches us together he’ll kill us. (to Stooges abruptly) (MORE) 47.

AURORA (CONT'D) You’ll meet with Wermonger tomorrow morning, 10am at the 11th cabana from the pier. He’s expecting you. CURLY 11am at the 10th cabana from the pier. Got it. AURORA GO! NOW! The Stooges hurry away with James, shading their faces while brushing by Avi. He looks at them suspiciously, Moe gets face to face with him. MOE Oh... Short eyeballs, eh! DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GRAND AMSCRAY HOTEL - DAY The boys stroll down the sparking sandy beach in their SWIMMING GEAR. Curly’s wearing a 1930’s era one-piece. Moe is wearing surfing baggies and a Hawaiian shirt, while Larry has on an oversized bathing suit, pulled up to his nipples. MOE Come on, you idiots! What time did miss Aurora say we should be at the cabana? LARRY She said 10 o’clock at the 11th cabana. CURLY I was hoping it was 11 o’clock at the 10th cabana. MOE Why? CURLY Cause it’s 10:55. MOE NYAAH! You lamebrains. Moe grabs Larry by the hair, Curly by the ear and they hurry down the boardwalk. 48.

EXT. AMSCRAY SOUTH BEACH - DAY It’s Amscray’s signature beach, where during the day you’ll find the affluent casino patrons. JAMES lounges, sipping his signature Martini. Aurora emerges from the water, wearing a skimpy bikini. AURORA (all business) Those fools are an hour late. Wermonger will be furious. James just nods, clearly entranced by her. ANGLE ON THE STOOGES strutting up to the most ORNATE cabana on the beach. MOE (impressed) Wow. This has gotta’ be the joint. LARRY (alarmed) Wait a second! We gotta’ be sure. What’s the number? MOE (gritted teeth) You gonna start that again? He SLAPS Larry then grabs him by the hair. Moe doesn’t notice that one of Wermonger’s BODYGUARDS has opened the cabana curtains. Moe knocks... on the BODYGUARD’S FOREHEAD-- DONK DONK DONK. The number ‘11’ hangs over the entrance. He leads them inside.

INT. PRESIDENT WERMONGER’S CABANA PRESIDENT WERMONGER, 40ish with a long pony-tail, is wearing sandals, and a SPEEDO. Hanging around his neck is a chain with GOLD FINGERS IN PEACE SIGN POSE. His posse, led by his right hand woman, MOUSTACHA BOBBENLICH, is an attractive looking woman until you look close: then you notice a FIVE O’CLOCK SHADOW on her upper lip. Wermonger looks at his watch... WERMONGER Operative 9-1-1, Agent Orange, Ralph! Hello, and welcome back, homies! You’re an hour late, what gives, man? 49.

MOE (flustered) Oh... there was this guy on a donkey towing a cart full of watermelons. Don’t ya know, the cart breaks and there’s watermelons all over the street. Clogged traffic for nearly an hour. WERMONGER Trippy, man... We don’t have watermelons in Amscray. CURLY (blurts) Coulda’ been bowling balls. Moe KONKS him in the back of the head. LARRY (saves ‘em) These guys are half blind Prez. They were coconuts. Content with this, Wermonger gives a mild chuckle. BACK ON JAMES AND AURORA eyeing the cabana. AURORA This is a disaster. They can’t handle this. JAMES That’s what I’ve been saying! Just look away when you hear the chain saw start up.

INT. CABANA WERMONGER (tense beat) Comrades, where’s the Flash Drive. I’ve been anxiously waiting to get my hands on it, and I wanna hear all about your mission. Moe hands the FLASH DRIVE over to Wermonger and elbows Larry to give an explanation. Larry passes the elbow to Curly. Curly is low man again. CURLY The mission? It was stupendous, it was colossal, even mediocre. 50.

WERMONGER Are you sure you weren’t followed? LARRY Nah! Was easy Prez, we gave the dude the money and he gave us the flash bulb. Moe crunches Larry’s foot. WERMONGER Ha. Flash bulb! You cats crack me up. Let’s head back to my Casa and get our grub on. Wermonger hands the flash drive to Moustacha. WERMONGER (CONT’D) Get this back to the lab immediately! MOUSTACHA As you wish. WERMONGER (to Stooges) I have some American hostages I want you to interrogate. We captured them while they were on a spy mission. I’m going to totally kill them by tomorrow, but we’ll find out what we can first. The Stooges eyes widen in horror. WERMONGER (CONT’D) By the way, what happened to your hair and mustache, 9-1-1... And your lethal Gold Fingers. You haven’t lost them have you? What’s with the glove? MOE Oh, no boss, it’s fine. The metal gets chilly. WERMONGER Need I remind you how much of the Church’s gold I had to melt to make them? (to Larry and Curly) And your hair and shades Agent Orange? How bout your Fu Manchu and ear ring Ralph? 51.

LARRY Forgot my shades in the men’s room. (pats his bushy hair) Tried blow-drying it. CURLY (rubs his Chin) And that beard kept hanging in my soup. Nyuk, Nyuk. Curly snaps his fingers, flicks his Chin, and waives him off. Moustacha looks the boys over, a bit suspicious... WERMONGER Well at least you’re all back safely. Let’s enjoy a fresh beverage. One of Wermonger’s bodyguard sets up four coconuts on the table. Laughing maniacally, Wermonger picks up a CHAIN-SAW, starts it up and shears off the tops of the coconuts. A shred of coconut flies into Curly’s eye. CURLY OHH OHH OHH

ANGLE ON AURORA AND JAMES Hearing all this, Aurora and James clutch their necks fearing the worst. JAMES Poor fellas, I’m such a heel. I never cut them any slack. Just then, Moustacha, Wermonger and his crew, exit the tent with the Stooges. Noticing this, Aurora smacks James’ arm. AURORA Hey, looks like they pulled it off. JAMES Thank goodness, but for how long?

EXT. STREETS OF AMSCRAY - DAY Wermonger’s convoy winds though the gloomy streets. He waves in his typical Saddam-like fashion. We see Billboards and signs with graffiti expressing the Amscranian’s displeasure for Wermonger. As the motorcade passes a troop of saluting boy scouts a R.E.T.D (Roadside Exploding Turnip Device) is detonated. 52.

When the dust clears, we see the Boy Scouts maintaining their salutes covered in turnip guts. Wermonger smiles and salutes back. CUT TO:

INT. CIA BUILDING, LANGLEY, VIRGINIA - DAY The REAL OPERATIVE 9-1-1, AGENT ORANGE, and RALPH are in their holding cells. As Shelly walks by she notices Operative 9-1-1 peering at her seductively through the bars. He motions for her to come over. REAL OPERATIVE 9-1-1 Looking through these bars makes me feel like a caged lion. I just want to break out and pounce, like you were a wounded gazelle. He reaches his Gold Fingers through the bars and lightly scratches her hand. Enamored by his Gold Fingers, she nervously glances around to see if anyone’s looking. SHELLY Oh, they’re so cold and sharp. Shelly quickly pulls back her hand and hurries away. REAL OPERATIVE 9-1-1 (shouts) See you soon, Angel droppings-- I mean drippings. She hurries away. CUT BACK TO:

INT. WERMONGER’S PALACE - NIGHT Moustacha and Wermonger lead the Stooges down the hallway of his opulent but gaudy palace. WERMONGER Good to be home, huh? LARRY Yeah. (looking around) Reminds me of the ol’ reform school. They stroll past an ornamental KNIGHT’S SUIT OF ARMOR, with its MACE held high. 53.

Moe grabs Larry by the hair and slaps the Knight’s arm down, CLANGING Larry in the head. Wermonger turns to them, just missing this. MOE (counterfeit smile) Yep, home sweet home. CURLY Hey Wermy, didn’t you mention something about food? WERMONGER Oh Ralphy, always got the munchies. It’s so good to have you guys back. Especially with the long awaited goods! Really, man. My plan is going to propel Amscray into the future. (raises and shakes fist) VIVA Amscray! The Stooges all raise their fists and begin a Stooge-like improvisational dance. STOOGES VIVA Amscray VIVA Amscray VIVA Amscray! WERMONGER (to Moustacha) Such spirit! Come along my friends... GUYS! The Stooges continue dancing. MOUSTACHA (shouts) EATS! The boys stop dancing and follow Wermonger through two large doors, into the GRAND DINING ROOM. WERMONGER Your feast, gentlemen! The Stooges’ eyes go wide as they gaze upon the largest SMORGASBORD they’ve ever seen. Moe wrings his hands. MOE Oh boy! (to Wermonger) Is this on the level? Who do we have to murder. 54.

WERMONGER You’ll find out soon enough, but for now enjoy. Stooges flinch. Wermonger checks his watch. WERMONGER (CONT’D) Hey man, we’ve gotta’ split. So dudes, dig into the fruits, nuts, and appetizers before the coup de gras-- BRAINS from an ALBANIAN WIRE- HAIRED WEASEL MONKEY. There are only about a hundred of those homely bastards left. It’ll be a bummer when they’re all gone. Wermonger exits. The Stooges take in the lavish feast on the long, linen-draped table in front of them. The center piece is an ornate COVERED SILVER SERVING DISH. Next to the serving dish on a cloth napkin is a HAMMER WITH A LONG POINTED TIP. The Stooges attack the table in typical Stooge fashion. Moe pushes Larry and Curly aside. MOE Spread out! Larry grabs an APPLE. As he begins to shine it against his jacket, he drops it. It rolls under the SKIRTED table. He crawls under the table to fetch it. ANGLE ON Moe and Curly. CURLY I can’t eat monkey brains. I got some friends that are monkeys. MOE You got relatives that are monkeys. Meanwhile UNDER the table, Larry spots a HOLE and sticks his head through it. BACK ON Curly and Moe. CURLY (re: the sterling centerpiece) I wonder what’s under this fancy hub cap? He lifts the cover to see LARRY’S HEAD surrounded by fancy lettuce garnish. CURLY (CONT’D) NYAH-AH! 55.

MOE Boy, he wasn’t kiddin’, that’s the ugliest monkey I’ve ever seen! LARRY Heey, you ain’t exactly Matt Damon! CURLY/MOE NYAH-AH-AH-AH! MOE (recognizing Larry) What are you trying to do, give us nightmares? Now, get on up out of there... Moe pulls Larry’s hair, trying to pull him through the hole in the table. A big clump of Larry’s hair comes off in his hand. MOE (CONT’D) COME ON! Stoop your shoulders! LARRY OOWW! MOE You’re gonna’ have to go out the same way you got in. Moe takes the pointed hammer and KONKS Larry several times in the head. Clanging SFX of hammer striking iron. CURLY (singing) If I had a hammer... MOE Well, you don’t! Moe strikes Curly in the head with the hammer. He examines the hammer which is now crinkled like an accordion. MOE (CONT’D) Now look what you’ve done. I’m libel to have to pay for another hammer! Larry’s now next to Moe holding the apple, rubbing his head. MOE (CONT’D) What were you doing under there? LARRY I had to get this apple! 56.

MOE So you did... Moe places the apple against Larry’s forehead and mashes it. MOE (CONT’D) Now quit playing gopher and get busy! TIME CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM Wermonger, Moustacha, the Stooges and a few of Wermonger’s aides are finishing their meal. Wermonger holds up his index finger and lets out a loud belch. WERMONGER Okay! Feast time’s over! I’m sure you all put on a good bloat. Am I right?? (before they can respond) Good! Now let’s get to two of my favorite things in the world... INTERROGATION AND TORTURE! Gonna be gnarly, man!! I want you Mo-Fo’s to show me how to squeeze out the info like grease from a ripe blackhead.

INT. INTERROGATION/TORTURE ROOM PALACE - NIGHT There is a ONE WAY GLASS window. Wermonger and Moustacha stand behind it. STULE MCPIGEON, chief tech of Jamelson’s team, sporting a FULL BEARD, and three other captured US AGENTS are locked in a small cell. On a table nearby are various chilling TORTURE DEVICES. Curly picks up a METAL CLAMP. CURLY What do you think this one does? MOE It does this... He CLANGS Curly in the head with it. CURLY OOOHHH! BEHIND GLASS: Wermonger nods to Moustacha knowingly. 57.

WERMONGER Did you see that?, This should be a great show... Like me throwin’ down a Jimi Hendrix riff with some freaky bass backin’. Moustacha rolls her eyes. MOUSTACHA ... Says the guy who shot the last three bass players because you couldn’t keep up, then got pelted with turnips by starving peasants. WERMONGER Why do you always have to sour my grapes, Margaret Hamilton? MOUSTACHA Who’s Margaret Hamilton? WERMONGER The Wicked Witch of The West. You never saw ‘The Wizard Of Oz’? MOUSTACHA No. WERMONGER Whoa! Talk about a troubled childhood. That explains a lot. (beat) Besides, when I pull off this launch, the world is gonna think I’m The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and Katie Perry all rolled into one. MOUSTACHA Katie Perry?? WERMONGER Yeah, you know, for the chicks... to show my gentler side. Now just shut your trap and watch my boys bestow some bodacious misery on these rats, before I slap you all over the room. INTERROGATION ROOM: The Stooges get up close to the CAPTORS. STULE We won’t talk. No matter what. 58.

MOE (low whisper) Jamelson sent us to bust you guys out of here. We sense McPigeon’s relief, but he keeps a poker face. MOE (CONT’D) (side of his mouth) I may have to give you a little twist or tug here and there, but just go with it. McPigeon’s eyes go wide as he stares at the torture tools. STULE (angry whisper) What? You can’t torture me. I’m a senior CIA agent! Moe thinks for a moment, then TEARS a handful of McPigeon’s BEARD off his cheek. STULE (CONT’D) YEEOWW! MOE (softly) Listen, Spinach Chin, I got an idea. Me and my boys are gonna put on a little show for that crackpot behind the glass. I want you to play the ‘tough nut to crack’ just long enough to convince him. Then shout that you’ll tell him everything you know, tomorrow... got it? STULE (whisper, almost inaudible) Why tomorrow? MOE Because Wermonger wants to kill you tonight. McPigeon gulps, then agrees with a slight nod. STULE Listen, he thinks we’re with the rebellion, not The CIA... keep it that way. Moe winks, then... 59.

MOE (loud enough for all to hear) Listen, rebel scum! I know you’ll try to lie through those tartar covered Chiclets that you call teeth, but perhaps I can stretch the truth out of you. Moe pulls Curly by the ear toward the STRETCHING RACK. MOE (CONT’D) We need to show that infidel what can happen to him if he doesn’t sing. (points to rack) Lie down there. CURLY Me?? MOE (whispers) Yes, bunion head. Just play along. CURLY Alright, but take it easy will ya. I got weak joints. Moe and Larry strap Curly to the stretcher and begin cranking. Curly’s arms and legs are STRETCHED a foot longer. CURLY (CONT’D) OOWWW, OWW, OWW. Moe glares at MCPIGEON... MOE Will you talk now, scoundrel?! STULE NEVER! Moe unties Curly and we see his limbs SHRINK back to normal size to SFX of a descending ‘slide whistle’. MOE (to Stule) Then how ‘bout I make your digits give you the fidgets? Moe grabs Larry’s wrist and stuffs it into a medieval THUMB SCREW device. Moe starts turning the screw, CRUSHING Larry’s thumb... 60.

LARRY AHHHHHHH! STULE (winces) I still won’t talk! Larry holds his thumb in AGONY as Moe picks up something small off the table. He HANDS it to LARRY. MOE Here’s your thumbnail, Kid. Sorry about that. ON WERMONGER AND MOUSTACHA MOUSTACHA Doesn’t their method strike you as a bit odd? They’re almost killing each other and they haven’t even touched the prisoner. WERMONGER Are you kidding? It’s genius, man. They’re making them ponder the pain they’ll soon endure themselves. Moe stuffs Curly’s head in a GUILLOTINE yoke, then strains with the rope to RAISE the heavy blade. CURLY Hey, what’s that basket for? MOE It’s to catch your severed head. CURLY (screams) NYAH AHH AHH. HEY MISTER-- WOULD YOU TELL ‘EM ALREADY!! Curly pulls his head out of the yoke just in time. The heavy blade barely missing him. STULE OKAY! ENOUGH! I’ll talk. Give me a pad and pencil and I’ll have a full written confession by tomorrow. ON WERMONGER AND MOUSTACHA WERMONGER Hear that? Told ya! These dudes are the berries, man! 61.

Wermonger ENTERS the interrogation room, clapping, impressed with his beloved spies. Moustacha jams a note pad and pen into McPigeon’s chest. MOUSTACHA We want a full confession and every detail of your mission by lunch tomorrow, or... you know.

WERMONGER Well done Operative 9-1-1, Agent Orange and Ralph! I knew that these traitors were part of the rebellion... But why should we wait till after lunch? LARRY (chimes in) Because that gives them time to jot down all the details. Besides, it’s always befitting for a noble President to grant the poor schmucks their last meal. WERMONGER Right on. Well done men. After lunch it is! Let’s crack open a bottle of my finest Hennessy. As they walk, Moe leans in to Larry... MOE (impressed) That was pretty slick, Porcupine. How did you come up with that one? LARRY Well, I was watching this movie where Clark Gable played the Dark Prince, and... MOE (slaps him, already bored) That’s enough. CUT TO:

INT. WERMONGER’S OFFICE - NIGHT Hookah smoke lingering in the air. The walls are covered with old weapons, and posters of JOHN LENNON and KURT COBAIN. 62.

LARRY (re: posters) Relatives? WERMONGER No, great revolutionaries. (gets philosophical) You know, those guys were really ahead of their time. Buried the message to the people in their music! They’re the inspiration for my master plan, man. (gets a thought) You know what, I want to show you gnarly dudes something. Follow me...

INT. PALACE BASEMENT - NIGHT Wermonger leads the Stooges down a long hallway to a FORTIFIED DOOR. He punches in a CODE and they enter.

INT. SECRET CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS Wermonger and Moustacha lead the Stooges up to a massive, state of the art CONTROL PANEL. WERMONGER Look at all those lights man. It took me a month to figure out how to turn this baby on. MOE Like setting the time on my VCR. So, what’s this Christmas Tree do? WERMONGER I’m about to drop something that will make the world kneel at my feet. The Stooges eyes widen. WERMONGER (CONT’D) Check this out... He flips a few switches on the panel and an annoying funky rock BEAT KICKS in. The Stooges are puzzled. WERMONGER (CONT’D) I’m about to drop the sickest Al- bomb the world’s ever heard, man! 63.

CURLY Al-bomb? WERMONGER Yeah. I call it that because it’s gonna be so rad, man. He does a dance as he shows the boys a VIDEO on a MONITOR. It shows Wermonger in a recording studio singing and playing guitar. It’s HORRIBLE. MOE So this is what you’re about to drop on the World? WERMONGER Yeah, man. Isn’t that the bomb?! MOE (aside to Larry) This guys’ nuttier than a PAYDAY. WERMONGER Nobody ever really listened to my music. My old man, my college buds, those starving peasants that I gave turnips to, out of my own personal garden-- and it pissed me off! Tell you what, they’re gonna’ freakin’ listen now! They’re gonna think I mixed the most explosive al-bomb, once they get a whiff of it. MOE Hey, Roger Muddy Waters, you’re the big cheese, can’t you just make them buy your CD? Do you have to drop a bomb? WERMONGER Not the point. I want them to love it on their own... or I’m gonna’ make them love it. LARRY I got it, freedom of speech. WERMONGER Exactly. I gave them a free concert thinking that they’d run out and buy my music, but did they comply?... Nooo. So, I kidnapped their children and am holding them hostage. And guess what? 64.

CURLY Your music still sucks? Moe stomps on Curly’s foot with a loud crunch. WERMONGER Ralph always the kidder. But now, I’m on to plan ‘C’. MOE And what would that be, boss? WERMONGER If you can’t bring Mohammed to the Island, then you bring The Island to Mohammed. Next stop... Los Angeles! The Stooges look at each other, confused. Wermonger taps a combination of buttons on the control panel. A small glass case raises up. It contains a blinking iPHONE looking device which he holds high over his head. WERMONGER (CONT’D) This is the key to everything. The Stooges look at each other even more confused.

INT. PALACE BEDROOM - NIGHT Wermonger and Moustacha are sitting up in bed watching the several surveillance monitors lining the walls. Wermonger keeps surfing between screens. We notice her hand under the covers in his crotch area rummaging around. WERMONGER (annoyed) What do you want from me Moustacha? She pulls out a tube of Pringles from under the covers. MOUSTACHA Some of these. I bought ‘em. MOUSTACHA (CONT’D) What’s troubling you pumpkin? WERMONGER I don’t think Ralphy and the boys like my music. Chomping on a few Pringles... 65.

MOUSTACHA That’s because it sucks. WERMONGER What? What’s wrong with it? What’s it missing? MOUSTACHA PASSION! WERMONGER What do you mean, passion? MOUSTACHA The thing you’re music is lacking. Face it, passion has never been your strong suit. Unfortunately hate happens to be your strongest suit. WERMONGER What’s that suppose to mean? MOUSTACHA Do me a favor. Get up, grab that stupid guitar, and play it with the passion that drove you to kill your father, you freaking pussy. Wermonger gives her a look as if he might strangle her. Instead, he jumps out of bed and straps on a GIBSON LES PAUL guitar that’s plugged into a MARSHALL HALF STACK AMP. He flips the switch, and walks over to the center of the room with only the guitar covering his privates. MOUSTACHA (CONT’D) Now, channel that hate into your guitar playing! Show your father you’re a force to contend with. PUSSY! WERMONGER (pissed) Quit calling me that!! He closes his eyes, tilts his head back for a beat, and explodes into his best solo ever. Moustacha nods her head in approval as she chomps on a few more Pringles. MOUSTACHA That’s it! You feelin’ it?! With a look in his eyes she’s never witnessed before, he hammers out a wailing bluesy version of ‘The Wermonger Shuffle’ with new-found inspiration. He finishes his solo by smashing his guitar on the floor. 66.

WERMONGER I’m cured. I did it. You rock baby. He jumps into bed and kisses Moustacha passionately. She melts. Just then his cell phone rings... Wermonger jumps out of bed and begins pacing while speaking on the phone. WERMONGER (CONT’D) WHAT!!? A U.N. Reconnaissance plane... Are you sure?... Bummer- tosious, man! MOUSTACHA What was that all about? WERMONGER A totally uncool U.N. Plane was just detected spying on the island. MOUSTACHA I heard all that. How do you know he was spying? WERMONGER Because he dropped flares all around our perimeter, the douche. He throws his phone against the wall. It smashes. WERMONGER (CONT’D) Shitsky!... Now we’re gonna’ have to accelerate OPERATION LA. (to Moustacha) Hand me a new phone! Moustacha opens the night stand draw. It’s filled with dozens of phones. She hands him one. He summons Amscray’s VOICE ASSISTANT, AMSCRANITA, similar to SIRI. WERMONGER (CONT’D) (into phone) Hey, Amscranita, call The Panama Canal. Get me the Operations Booth. Ask for Jose. Amscrinita answers, except with a foreign accent resembling NATASHA, of ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE show. AMSCRINITA Of course Mr. President. Give me a freakin’ Amscranian second would you? Now Calling Jose. 67.

On one of the bedroom monitors, we see the CASINO FLOOR, bustling with gamblers. On another, we see THREE LARGE TUG BOATS docked, with sailors smoking and drinking on the deck. ESTABLISHING SHOT PANAMA CANAL A small booth sits atop one wall of the canal. In it sits Jose, a very Hispanic looking middle-age man wearing a poncho and sombrero. INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION JOSE Hola, this is Jose Carlos Santiago de Ponce de Leon. How can I be helping you? WERMONGER Jose, It’s Wolfy. I need a favor. JOSE Of course El Presidente. You and your friends would like to go tubing through the canal? I have a time slot right behind Royal Caribbean. WERMONGER No, dude. Way more urgent. JOSE So you’d like to take the Presidential Yacht through? No problemo. WERMONGER Yes, problemo. Way more urgent. JOSE I see signor. You have a small Armada of high-jacked vessels? Captain Phillips was my favorite movie. WERMONGER Would you just listen you sun- baked, half-brother to a weasel. JOSE (composes) Forgive me El Presidente. I’m listening too many. WERMONGER The whole island has to pass through ASAP. 68.

JOSE That would be impossible signor. WERMONGER Listen here you avocado-stuffed buffoon. You are going to make it happen immediately or I’m gonna stomp on your sombrero with a pair of big red clown shoes. How dare you deny me passage through your canal. Totally uncool, bro. JOSE Signor, your tone of voice is not helping the situation. Even if you were a gentlemen, which you are not, I can not let you pass. WERMONGER Jose, my man, we started off on the wrong foot, my bad. How ‘bout I wire to you and your down-trodden, mud dwelling family, a duffle bag full of pesos? JOSE First of all, we exchange in the ‘Balboa’, not the peso... WERMONGER (interrupts) I’m with you dude, I saw Rocky. Kudos on naming your currency after a movie. JOSE ... Please stop Signor. It has nothing to do with the money. WERMONGER (interrupts again) OK amigo, forget money... How ‘bout I load your Burrow up with Gold Bullion till his legs buckle? JOSE SIGNOR! Gold Bullion, Beef Bullion, it does not matter! Simply put, your vessel will not FIT through the canal. Moustacha reacts to this. MOUSTACHA Why not? 69.

WERMONGER Yeah, why not? JOSE The canal is thirty-three point fifty-three Meters wide, and the width of your island, is One thousand three-hundred and ninety- nine point 03 Meters too big. Wermonger is silent for a moment. WERMONGER So you’re telling me it won’t fit? Bummer. Nice chatting with you dude. Just so you know, that I will personally assassinate any brother from any other rogue nation, if I hear they passed even a row boat through your lousy, malaria infested canal. Au revoir Amigo. JOSE Senior Wermonger, you are pathetic, didactic and pedantic. WERMONGER Sorry, I only speak your basic Spanish. Aloha, dude. Wermonger, extremely agitated, glances at the monitors. WERMONGER (CONT’D) Can’t take the shortcut huh? Then we’ll do it ‘old school’. It’s time to deploy OPERATION LA! He raises his fist over his head. WERMONGER (CONT’D) Let the journey begin! (into phone) Hey Amscrinita, get me General Mills! AMSCRINITA I can’t find General Mills, perhaps you meant Kellogg's or Post? WERMONGER (frustrated) No, you idiot, I meant my top Navy General! 70.

AMSCRINITA Why didn’t you say so... calling General Mills. WERMONGER (re: Amscrinita) If I could come through that phone, I’d shoot you in the foot. AMSCRINITA You’ve already done that sir... connecting! Wermonger switches to hands-free speaker on phone. GENERAL MILLS Yes, Sir, how may I help you? WERMONGER Fire up the tugs. It’s time to go to LA... the long way! GENERAL MILLS Sir, I’m not sure we have the fuel capacity to move the island that far. WERMONGER What about that solar panel I bought from that Armenian guy? GENERAL MILLS Begging your pardon, sir, but that panel couldn’t power your wrist watch. WERMONGER (without looking up) Bring me his head! GENERAL MILLS Back on point, sir. The furthest we’ve gone in our beta tests is only 100 kilometers. At this point, I am not confident we can move a forty Acre island around the tip of South America to reach Los Angeles. WERMONGER Didn’t you see the Captain Phillips Movie? Just hijack an oil tanker along the way. So, how much more time do you need? GENERAL MILLS 6 months, at least. 71.

WERMONGER We don’t have the time! Get those props spinning in one hour! GENERAL MILLS (exasperated) As you wish, sir. Wermonger, pacing, glances at the monitors and makes another phone call. WERMONGER Hey Amscrinita, Get me Casino Manager, Bills. AMSCRINITA Dialing Lotta Bills... Wermonger switches to hands-free speaker on phone. CASINO MANAGER Lotta Bills here. Yes, your excellency. How may I help you. WERMONGER We’re on the move. Make your announcement! CASINO MANAGER As you wish sir. (over intercom) Attention casino patrons, this is your casino host. In preparation for an Emergency Mobilization please fasten your seat belts and put your drinks in the travel position. Thank you. Wermonger frantically clicks his remote, switching the monitors to display the TUGBOATS. MONTAGE OF OPERATION LA -- Sailors spring up and don their WORK GLOVES. -- Close ups of TUG LINES being BUCKLED to the ISLAND. -- Casino Patrons BUCKLING their SEAT BELTS. -- The TUGBOATS putter away slowly taking up the SLACK. -- When the ropes are pulled TAUGHT the WATER BOILS as the PROPS churn violently. -- Casino patrons’ COCKTAILS SHAKE and VIBRATE to the roar of the TUGS’ engines. 72.

-- SMOKE billows from their STACKS as the TUGS struggle to get the ISLAND MOVING. -- The tugs’ engines settle as the ISLAND is set in motion. -- One monitor displays an ANIMATED MAP of the island’s intended route to LOS ANGELES. Another monitor displays a graphic showing the GPS cloaking bubble over the island, while leaving a false signal of the islands former coordinates behind. CUT TO:

INT. VAN - NIGHT The Stooges are in the back seat, reporting to Aurora and James. AURORA ...So what you’re saying is, the thing he’s about to drop isn’t a bomb, but an... album? LARRY Yeah, that’s what he said, but he pronounced it al-bomb. CURLY He even made us listen to it. (cringes) His voice was more screechy than bald tires in a car chase. MOE Yeah, but he also said if they don’t like his music, he’ll launch the Al-Bomb. That’s when he showed us this fancy control panel with some kind of remote control gadget that looked like one of those new fangled flat phones with the TV screen. JAMES That means he could launch whatever he has up his sleeve from anywhere on the planet. It’s not the phone, it’s the sight we have to find. AURORA That’s all you got? Album, al-bomb? 73.

LARRY (shrugs) He did say something kind of strange. It was...“Wait till they get a whiff of this”. JAMES He used the word ‘whiff’? Hmmm. Maybe he means inhale. CURLY Hey. Maybe he’s launching a giant canister full of farts. He did eat a lot of cabbage. LARRY A Fart bomb! That’s genius. Moe bangs their heads together. MOE Every-time you guys think, you weaken the nation. JAMES (growing impatient) Guys, Guys. That’s most likely why he wanted information on Long Range Guidance Systems. There’s something in Wermonger’s compound that’s either finished, or close to it. AURORA Is it possible that we’ve been getting this wrong, that he’s just launching an album? JAMES Possible?... Yes. Likely... No. The word ‘whiff’ suggests poison gas, not bombs. AURORA Sounds logical. Damn. JAMES (to Stooges) Okay, so what you guys need to do is to penetrate deeper into his inner circle and find out how he plans on dispersing this gas. AURORA Tonight’s perfect. At The Swingin’ Skrotim Saloon, the locals will be celebrating The Annual Turnip Fest. (MORE) 74.

AURORA (CONT'D) Wermonger will make his usual appearance to placate The Rebels. It’s neutral ground, so there shouldn’t be any problems. JAMES I’ll be there as well in disguise. So remember, you don’t know me. CUT TO:

EXT. MAIN STREET - AMSCRAY - NIGHT The Stooges pull up in a DONKEY DRAWN CARRIAGE to the front of THE SWINGIN’ SKROTIM SALOON. The Marquis reads ‘APPEARING TONIGHT, BOB USHKA and THE SHMEATLES’. The Stooges tie off the DONKEY and put a few coins in the PARKING METER.

INT. SWINGIN’ SKROTIM - NIGHT This place is a real underground hole in the wall. Nothing fancy about it. It’s so outdated it should be shot in Black & White. The place is full of weather-worn REVOLUTIONISTS, and WEALTHY- LOOKING WERMONGER LOYALISTS. This national holiday affords them to assemble peacefully for this one and only day a year. The camera finds Aurora, Avi, Wermonger, and James. James is disguised as a TURNIP VENDOR with a CART. Everyone seems to get along. The Stooges ENTER making a commotion as they head toward James in the rear of room. Wermonger paces in front of the stage with a MICROPHONE. We hear FEEDBACK from the MIC for a second, as he tries to speak. The crowd is displeased with the screeching sounds and reacts with contorted faces and a volley of BOOS. WERMONGER Fellow Dudes and Dudettes, Welcome to our Annual Turnip Fest! (beat, no applause) Tonight is a very special night for The Republic of Amscray as we come together to honor those filthy potato-looking dirt bulbs that you subsist on while fueling our economy. (pumps his fist) VIVA LA TURNIP! 75.

We hear crickets but still no applause. Wermonger’s eyes lock with Avi’s in a political stare down. WERMONGER (CONT’D) My fellow Amscranians, I am totally proud of how you have molded a fruitful existence out your meaningless lives. And remember, you would have less than you have now, if it wasn’t for Wermonger’s NEW DEAL... (pumps his fist again) ... For the People, By the People and Against the People. The camera find Moustacha-- she’s crying. The rest of the crowd BOOS. He’s hit in the forehead with a rotten turnip. WERMONGER (CONT’D) (wipes his head) Okay, I am sensing the pulse of the people. But mind you, the A-hole who did this will be revealed on video surveillance. Hashtag TotallyUncool! Hashtag SuperDouche! Hashtag Totally Dismembered on National Television with the Presidential butter knife. But for now, I’m going to turn it over to our beloved patriot, Avi, as he leads us in the Amscray National Anthem. At this, the crowd erupts. Avi approaches Wermonger. Wermonger hands him the MIC and extend his hand to shake... Avi ignores the latter. AVI (heavy accent) Thank you, President Wermonger’s bastard son. Thank you for oppression, recession, and no freedom of expression... And to the Amscranian Loyalists, in the words of the great Bogdonavich Lawnschprinkler, “Fight to the death... until you loose interest”. Avi pumps his fist and the majority of the crowd jubilantly returns the gesture. Avi’s POV: He notices the Stooges making a ruckus in the back of the room. We see the Stooges standing by James’s TURNIP CART. Moe has a NUTCRACKER in each hand, crunching Larry and Curly’s nose. James shields his eyes as he wheels his cart away from the Stooges. 76.

AVI (CONT’D) (glaring at Stooges) Ladies and gentlemen, it seems like our three loud and rude friends are very anxious to entertain us all. It is with great honor, I turn the VOICE LOUDENING DEVICE over to them as they lead us in our National Anthem. Gentlemen... ANGLE ON STOOGES: As the crowd quiets, they turn and realize Avi means them. They tentatively head toward the stage. AVI thrusts the MICROPHONE at the Stooges. On Stage we see a DRUMMER AND ACCORDION PLAYER. The BASS DRUM reads ‘THE SHMEATLES’ on the FRONT SKIN. Moe clears his throat and addresses the ACCORDION PLAYER. MOE (coughs into MIC) Hey, Maestro, give us the Key of C minus. ACCORDION PLAYER C minus? MOE (indignant) I don’t care, then you pick it. Accordion player strikes one note. Curly unsure what to do, mimics the sound of the Accordion. It comes out as the WORD ‘SCHMEE’. The TEMPO starts off SLOW and continues back and forth ala DUELING BANJOS style, to the tune of ‘ZORBA THE GREEK’. The TEMPO picks up to a foot stomping fervor. The crowd YELLS AMSCRAY in KEY PLACES. (see attached segment)

CURLY SCHMEE, SCHMEE, SCHMEE Larry pipes in on CUE. LARRY SCHMEEDLE DEEDLE DEE In short time, the Stooges get the hang of it. They answer each note of the Accordion with a comparable vocal ‘SCHMEE’. Now comfortable, they break into a classic ridiculous STOOGE STYLE dance. The crowd is very engaged. They’re laughing, clapping, and raising their mugs to the Stooges performance. 77.

Avi didn’t plan on the crowd’s favorable response. He’s pissed. The Stooges bow to the crowd and to each other as they make their way to the exit followed by Aurora and James.

INT. UNDERGROUND REBEL HIDEOUT - DAY It’s a dark, dank basement. In the B.G. we see REBELS enjoying their beer and tall tales while the Stooges mingle. Sitting at a table in the rear, James and Aurora are on Aurora’s CELL PHONE, talking to Director JAMELSON in his OFFICE, via FACETIME.

DIRECTOR BUD JAMELSON ALBUM?? ALBOMB?? That’s what you bring me? He tried to steal ultra top secret guidance information! Will someone please find out what the hell this guy is up to? JAMES Noted, sir DIRECTOR BUD JAMELSON So, what’s the plan? JAMES We have no choice, Boss. We’ve got to send these nincompoops in and get the proper information. This nut can be making both an album and a bomb. AURORA Basically, the risk is too great for us to not send them in. Wermonger also suspects them as spies. JAMES Great. Now these morons are double agents. Three weeks ago they couldn’t change a light bulb. DIRECTOR BUD JAMELSON Eventually, they did get it changed, but that’s why we have you, James. Keep them alive until we get it done. He clicks off. The Stooges approach and sit down. 78.

AURORA There’s a dark side of Wermonger, as there is with everybody. CURLY Believe me, I’ve seen it lady. MOE (slaps Curly) Whadda ya looking at me for? AURORA Gentlemen! You’re the only ones that are on the inside and we need more information-- He’s not just making an album. MOE I’d bet on it. In the middle of every night he’s got trucks full of stuff coming and going. AURORA (agitated) See! That’s the kind of info we mean. Why didn’t you tell us this before? CURLY You never asked. JAMES Well pay closer attention, and keep us informed of everything from now on! I want you to meet us tomorrow night under the railroad bridge that crosses the Krymea River. Take this compass and follow it North from the compound. The Stooges take the compass and salute James and Aurora. STOOGES For duty and humanity! CUT TO:

INT. CIA BUILDING, LANGLEY, VIRGINIA - NIGHT We hear LOUD ALARMS going off... The HOLDING CELL DOOR is ajar and two GUARDS lay unconscious... 79.

We see that Wermonger’s REAL SPIES, Operative 9-1-1, Agent Orange and Ralph have broken out of their cell. Shelly cowers by the door crying, calling out to them. SHELLY Oppy 9-1-1, WAIT! You said if I let you out you’d buy me a house next to a Golden Corral Buffet and love me forever! OPERATIVE 9-1-1 Not even diamonds are forever. You are the blue whale, the elephant, the incurable cold-sore on my lip! (grabs her hair) Now, when will the chopper arrive? SHELLY (petrified) Any minute. Guns drawn, the real spies head down the corridor toward Director Jamelson’s office.

INT. DIRECTOR JAMELSON’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS The spies enter the office, looking right, then left. Jamelson’s not there. Suddenly, the door swings closed behind them revealing JAMELSON. DIRECTOR BUD JAMELSON (defiant) I know what think you see. An old man, soft and doughy, easy to take down. Well, guess what, I’ve been looking forward to a day like this for 15 years. Bring it, you punks. Bud assumes a hokey Martial Arts pose. The spies immediately knock Jamelson to the floor, holding him down. Operative 9-1- 1 is poised over him with his Gold Fingers at Bud’s eyes. AGENT ORANGE (to Operative 9-1-1) Stop! Don’t do it. You know what would happen to us and our country if we kill the head of the CIA ? Operative 9-1-1 thrusts his GOLD FINGERS down at Bud’s head, narrowly missing him. Instead his fingers poke two holes in the floor. 80.

OPERATIVE 9-1-1 (to Jamelson) Consider yourself lucky this time! AGENT ORANGE Come on, I hear the chopper! CUT TO:

EXT. CIA BUILDING, LANGLEY, VIRGINIA, ROOF - NIGHT Operative 9-1-1, Agent Orange, and Ralph all grab onto the ladder of A HELICOPTER. We see them clamor up the ladder and into the chopper as it flies off. CUT TO:

INT. WERMONGER’S COMPOUND - STOOGES ROOM - DAY MOE Come on boys. Now’s our chance to look around while Sleeping Doody is still out. WE FOLLOW the Stooges as they barrel down different hallways. They turn the corner, heading toward a door that reads: “BIOHAZARD: DANGER - STAY OUT! SERIOUSLY, MAN!”

INT. BIOHAZARD LAB - CONTINUOUS As a LAB TECH exits, the Stooges grab the door before it closes, and enter. It’s a lab full of equipment and TECHS who are working in HAZMAT SUITS. The lab techs stare at them in utter shock, having never seen anyone enter the lab without a suit before. A moment later Wermonger enters, also shocked to find the Stooges in the lab. WERMONGER Homies! How did you get in here? CURLY (points to a random tech) Uhh... that guy let us in. Wermonger takes out a revolver and shoots the tech. WERMONGER (to the other techs) What’d I tell you?? Keep this door LOCKED at all times. 81.

Wermonger punches in a NEW CODE, locking the door. WERMONGER (CONT’D) I don’t want anyone just stumbling into this place, man. (to the Stooges) Guys, quick! Put these suits on!!! The Stooges frantically attempt to throw on hazmat suits, tripping over themselves and each other as they do. MOE Uh, Prez, why do we need these? PRESIDENT WERMONGER It keeps out the toxins in the air. Hurry up! MOE Why ain’t you wearin’ one? WERMONGER Because I’ve taken the antidote. All around us is a biochemical agent that I’ve created called Sodium Procrastinate, man. Once it enters your bloodstream, it rapidly kills brain cells rendering the person a moron. Unless you’re already a moron... then for some reason you are immune. Seems to have no effect on laboratory rats with microscopically small brain cells. MOE I was diagnosed with medulla minisculus. But I ain’t no moron. Larry and Curly shrug at this and shuffle their feet. Moe KONKS them both on the head. MOE (CONT’D) Speak for yourselves rodents. WERMONGER But wait. You guys don’t seem to be affected even though you were exposed... Wermonger storms up to an intelligent looking LAB TECH, HANS. WERMONGER (CONT’D) Hans, man, what’s up with the toxin? 82.

HANS Nothing, sir. We tested it this morning. Sodium Procrastinate levels are where they should be. Same with Flaffadonium and Lakko’ceribellum. WERMONGER Good. It’s just that these three don’t seem to be affected. Either they weren’t exposed for long enough, or your mixture is flawed! We don’t want anyone slipping through the cracks. HANS It should be very fast acting, sir. Growing nervous, Hans knocks frantically on Curly’s head. WERMONGER That doesn’t seem to be working. I Guess there’s one way to be sure. You wouldn’t mind if I just... Wermonger casually PULLS OFF Hans’s helmet, exposing him to the air. Hans’s eyes widen in horror as Wermonger plays keep it away with Hans’ helmet. HANS (Eyes glossing over) Please, Mr. President, my helmet. I have two crippled wives and a child. Hans clutches for the mask. WERMONGER Just a sec, bro, I’m trying to make sure your little biotoxin is showing up for it’s gig. You can dig that, right? Hans, overcome by the effects, smiles politely and starts to whistle. His eyes cross a bit and his smile goes crooked. WERMONGER (CONT’D) (to Moe) Go ahead, outwit him. Watch how simple it is. 83.

MOE (with conviction) Hey Mush Mind, If a train going south bound at 60 miles per hour flies off the tracks, with the first three cars tumbling down a ravine... how late will the train be? HANS I don’t know. You win. Hans the lab tech casually hands Moe his wallet. WERMONGER Whoa! Hans’ brew is working as advertised, man. Now, I kinda feel bad I fried his brain. (Wermonger laughs) There’s no other explanation, man. You dudes really are morons. On one side of the room there are two giant stainless steel VATS. They resemble those micro-brewery vats you see in the window. There’s a long STEEL BEER TAP SHAPED LEVER standing straight up between the two. WERMONGER (CONT’D) You see those two giant vats?.. One contains the bio chemical agent that just dusted ‘ol Hansy, and the other is the antidote. But I don’t think we’ll be using much of that one... HA HA HA! MOE Oh... but uh... I thought you said you were just launching an album? WERMONGER Oh yeah, I’m TOTALLY still doing that! Gonna be sick! But I’m also launching this bio-chemical agent called Sodium Procrastinate, to infect the whole world. With everyone being rendered so stupid, they’ll be lining up to buy my album. Check out some of my title tracks. “Wermonger Shuffle, “Screw You Daddy”, and “How Do You Like Me Now”, just to name a few. They’ll be swarming it like flies to a Yak turd! 84.

LARRY Yeah, but if you make them all dumbbells, who’s to say they won’t go buy Justin Beaver’s album instead of yours? WERMONGER Great question Agento Orango. Check this out... They’re all so groovy, I’m going to blast this all over the country. Anything you turn on will play ME, wailing and jamming. Wermonger moves over to a MIXING BOARD and flips a switch. One of his songs, HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, fills the room. One by one he slides the faders on the mixing board down. The first one eliminates the drums. The next one eliminates the bass, next the key boards, until there’s only one fader in the ‘up’ position. Now all we hear is the subliminal ROBOTIC voice, that we couldn’t detect through the music... (see attached segment) ROBOTIC VOICE This is your president, Buy my new album. Buy my new album. Buy it now- - free turnips for your babies, free turnips for everyone... Buy my new album. CURLY (entranced) Where can I buy it?. WERMONGER Right on, Ralph. It’s called subliminal seduction-- learned it at Yale. Once I launch, I’m gonna broadcast it on every radio and TV I can reach! And with the Long Range Guidance System you rockin’ spies laid on me, I’ll be able to reach any continent on the planet! Screw Amscray and these little sand box countries. I’LL BECOME THE TOP RULER AND POP STAR SINGER IN THE WORLD! And you three, you’ll be right by my side! Pretty far out, huh homies? The Stooges nod nervously. 85.

WERMONGER (CONT’D) Get it, man? If I made the whole world stupid, then I’d be the smartest Dude ever... Not the bum my old man said I am. A lab technician enters holding a FLASH DRIVE, and walks over to Wermonger. LAB TECHNICIAN (whispering to Wermonger) I think we’ve been had sir. We’ve decrypted the information contained on this flash drive, and it’s the chemical formula for ‘Captain Crunch Cereal’. And there’s a second element we haven’t figured out yet. WERMONGER This can’t be, it has to be a mistake. (beat) Wait, wait. What a genius way to disguise top secret information-- In a kid’s breakfast cereal! (to Tech) Figure out that second element, NOW!! I want those Birds in the air by tomorrow!

INT. PALACE - STOOGES ROOM - NIGHT It’s the middle of the night. Everyone in the palace is asleep... Except for the Stooges. MOE It’s time boys. We gotta meet James and Aurora and get them this information double quick! The Stooges pull off their night shirts -- They’re fully dressed in dark sweat suits underneath. MOE (CONT’D) With this information, we’re sure to be promoted. CURLY Yeah, but how are we supposed to get out of here without Moody- Monger finding out? They pace in a circle, thinking. Larry pipes up. 86.

LARRY I got a plan! I saw it in a movie once. This guy used a bunch of bed sheets to escape from prison. They quickly strip the beds of their bedsheets. MOE Great. Then what did they do? LARRY I don’t know, I fell asleep. MOE (slaps Larry) Well, wake up. Moe grabs the bedsheets and goes to the window. He looks down below and contemplates... MOE (CONT’D) Let’s see, with six, 7 foot bedsheets from thirty feet up... (arms full of sheets) If I didn’t have to think for all of us, I’d brain ya right now. Instead of tying the bedsheets together, Moe just balls them up and throws them out the window. They land on the ground in a pile. MOE (CONT’D) Okay, it’s starting to make sense. That should cushion our fall. (to Curly) Hey, air mattress, you go first, Porcupine’ll be right behind ya. Curly gets to the window, steps out onto the ledge, looks down and hesitates. MOE (CONT’D) What’re ya waiting for? CURLY I’m afraid of heights. Suppose I miss the sheets? MOE Then will cover you with them. Moe plucks a long spine off a nearby potted CACTUS plant and jabs Curly in the butt with a loud DOINK. We hear Curly scream, then a loud thud. 87.

MOE (CONT’D) (to Larry) Okay Tarzan, now hurry up and jump before he gets up. He’s the softest thing we’re gonna find to land on. Larry jumps, landing squarely on Curly’s belly. There’s a loud KETTLE DRUM-like sound as Larry goes bouncing straight back up, appearing in the window. Moe KONKS him in the head shooting him straight back down. MOE (CONT’D) What do you think you’re doin’? Playing trampoline? Now get back down there!

EXT. DENSE WOODS - NIGHT The Stooges are making their way through the woods. Naturally, Moe gets swatted with a few branches. MOE Boy, these woods keep getting thicker. LARRY James said just stay due north and we’ll see the river. Then follow it to the train bridge. MOE (to Curly) Hey Bloodhound, where’s that compass James gave you? CURLY Right here in my back pocket. Safe as a babe in it’s mother’s arms. Curly takes the compass out of one of his BACK POCKETS. CURLY (CONT’D) NYAH AH AH! CLOSE ON the compass. It’s crushed beyond recognition. CURLY (CONT’D) Sorry Moe. It must have crushed when you two jumped on top of me. MOE You should of had it in your other pocket. 88.

Curly retreats to avoid getting slapped. He is now walking a few steps behind Larry and Moe. ANGLE ON Larry and Moe. Larry pulls out a BIG HUNK OF CAKE from his sweat pants pocket. Moe scowls and slaps Larry. MOE (CONT’D) A fine time to think about food. LARRY Hey, this ain’t for eating. I figure if we leave some cake crumbs every few feet or so, we can find our way back. Like ‘Handsome and Girdle’. MOE I love that story. Good thinking, muskrat. LARRY Let’s just keep going straight ahead-- we’re bound to run into the river sooner or later. As Larry drops crumbs every few feet, Curly lags behind eating them. He falls far enough behind and gets himself lost.

EXT. CHILDREN CAMP IN WOODS - NIGHT CURLY’S POV: We see several children captured and enslaved with ball and chains wearing vests with ACDC letters (Amscray Correctional Department For Children) working. They’re clearing brush and cutting trees, building a road which looks to go nowhere. It looks like a runway. Hidden in the brush is a YELLOW SCHOOL BUS. Curly runs into one of the kids who’s wandered to the outskirts of the camp. CURLY Hey, what are you doing out here, isn’t it past your bedtime? KID Me? CURLY Yeah you. KID Thank goodness. Are you here to save us? CURLY From what? 89.

KID Slave camp. There’s 40 of us working here. Wermonger hijacked our school bus and brought all of us to this work camp. CURLY Holy Mackerel. How can he get away with that. Are you guys Munchkins or something. How long have you been here? KID (sobbing) About two months! CURLY That’s almost a year. Where are all the others? The kid shushes Curly and pulls him to the ground. KID Quiet! If the guards see you here they’ll shoot you on sight, and us too! The boy points out four guards, one at each corner of camp. CURLY Oh! A quartet. Listen Pugsley, I’ll go tell my team. We’ll have you out of here in no time. Curly runs and catches up with Moe and Larry. CURLY (CONT’D) (excited and out of breath) Hey, fellas, you’re not gonna’ believe what I just found! MOE What is it Bloodhound? CURLY I found the missing kids! MOE You mean our missing kids? CURLY Soitenly. All of them! There over there. Curly point in the direction of the camp. 90.

MOE (patting Curly on the head) Great work, Sherlock! Well go gather them up and have them follow us. CURLY It ain’t that easy Moe. They got guards all over, with guns! MOE Make a note... Curly takes out a piece of paper and a pencil. MOE (CONT’D) ... tell them to just sit tight. Then add that we’ll tell James and Aurora and come back for them when we can. As far as informing their parents... Curly can’t keep up with Moe’s dictation. CURLY (frustrated) Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Why can’t I just go tell the kid? MOE Well what are you waiting for? Moe slaps Curly as we... CUT TO:

EXT WOODS NIGHT It’s pitch black as The Stooges struggle through the brambles. Suddenly they unwittingly step off a twenty-foot grass EMBANKMENT and all roll to the bottom. As they’re brushing off and look up, they can’t believe their eyes. It’s a SUNKEN FIELD with DOZENS of DRONE PLANES lined up in tidy rows. Each drone has a filler hose coming out of the ground and connected to its GLASS NOSE CONE. They’re set up to be pumped full of the toxin. There’s a smooth gravel road that stretches down the middle of the fleet, obviously the RUNWAY. This, apparently is what the captured children were forced to work on. The boys marvel a moment at the spectacular sight, then, SPOT THE RIVER. 91.

MOE Hey, there’s the river. The bridge can’t be too far from here. CUT TO:

INT. UNDERGROUND REBEL HIDEOUT - NIGHT A hundred or so rebels are drinking mugs of beer as AVI climbs onto a table top and shoots his machine gun in the air ala Saddam Hussein to get their attention. WE HEAR (O.S.) A couple of bodies fall on the floor above. He shrugs apologetically. AVI Fellow rebels, drink hearty tonight, for tomorrow we storm the compound and rid Amscray of that tyrant for good! The group raises their mugs and cheer enthusiastically. AVI (CONT’D) Be proud that most of you will be tortured or beheaded and never come back. The group cheers, but less enthusiastically. AVI (CONT’D) (raises his mug) AMSCRAY FOR AMSCRANIANS! CUT TO:

EXT. UNDER BRIDGE - NIGHT Stooges are sitting with James and Aurora under the railroad bridge. James and Aurora have camouflage backpacks, complete with attached army SHOVELS and coils of ROPE. CURLY ... You wouldn’t believe it. There’s a field full of them. It looks like he’s gonna attack Pearl Bailey! Moe slaps Curly. MOE Why don’t you get mad at a history book. The Japs invaded Pearl Jam, not Pearl Bailey. 92.

James and Aurora stare at them for a moment. JAMES Guys! You found the launch site! That’s... really good. Insanely impressive actually. Were there any pipes or hoses connected to the drones? MOE Yeah, every one of ‘em. They look like they’re all picking their nose. JAMES Makes sense. Now that he’s got the toxin ready, he’s gonna fill ‘em right from the lab in his compound. LARRY I heard him tell his head lab guy to have the drones ready to launch tomorrow. MOE And that’s not all. He’s broadcasting something he called ‘criminal subduction’ JAMES Criminal subduction? AURORA What did it sound like? Moe thinks for a sec then gets an idea... MOE (to Curly) Look! A vampire bat! As curly looks up, Moe karate chops him in the throat. Curly gags, then retorts in the EXACT ROBOTIC voice as Wermonger’s tape... CURLY OWW. I DON’T SEE ANY VAMPIRE BAT!

JAMES Okay, I get it... he said tomorrow? Aurora, you have to contact Avi and have the rebels ready. 93.

AURORA I don’t think that’s the play. Avi is a hot head and has his mind set on storming the compound. But that won’t do us any good. If these three leave now, they can just stroll in and try to shut the fueling down. They’re our only chance. JAMES Guys, I’d love to say “mission accomplished!”, and send you home, but Aurora’s right. We’re gonna need you to stay in this a little longer. LARRY Like, another 10 minutes longer? AURORA Maybe a little longer than that. JAMES You need to get in there and somehow shut the launch down. MOE How would we do that, boss? James thinks for a moment then snaps his fingers. JAMES He hasn’t started fueling yet, right? LARRY I don’t think so, all those glass nose tanks are empty. JAMES Good, then that’s our only hope. You guys have to get to those toxin vats and shut them down somehow. Push every button and flick every switch in sight.

LARRY (re the backpacks) What’s in those things anyway? 94.

AURORA Gas masks, some tools, night vision goggles... hardware we need for survival. JAMES You’ve been through training, you should know this stuff. (beat) Tell me about those vats? MOE Well, he keeps them in this underground lab with a big steel door. LARRY Yeah, how are we supposed to get in there? We don’t know the code. JAMES Guys, the fifty cent piece that Q- Ball gave you, please tell me you still have it. Moe reaches in his pocket and pulls out the fifty cent piece. The Stooges are all smiles. MOE Don’t worry boss, we should be there by sun up. We left a trail of cake crumbs to find our way back. Curly cringes at this. CURLY Were they little yellow pound cake crumbs, with white icing? MOE Yeah, why? CURLY I think a little birdie ate them. MOE (gets it) You mean a big fat birdie about your size with his head stuffed full of feathers? CURLY Maybe. Moe konks Curly. 95.

JAMES Just take my compass. James hands Moe his compass. JAMES (CONT’D) Take this too. (he hands Moe a cellphone) When you get in there, just hit ‘555’. It’s a direct line to us. Good luck boys. Uncharacteristically, James each of them a hug. JAMES (CONT’D) I’m proud of you guys. The Stooges head off with purpose... IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. JAMES (CONT’D) SOUTH! You want to go South. Follow the ‘S’ not the ‘N’. DISSOLVE TO:

INT. COMPOUND - EARLY MORNING The Stooges are at the locked steel door of the BIOHAZARD LAB. They stretch the FIFTY-CENT PIECE over the lock and duck around the corner. After twenty seconds, the door BLOWS WIDE OPEN. We see the fumes from the toxin lofting out of the lab door and filling the palace basement. Moe calls James on the phone. MOE We’re in boss! JAMES (V.O.) Great, now figure out how to shut down those filler pumps. There are HUNDREDS OF BUTTONS. Moe and Curly start pushing buttons and flicking switches. Moe picks up a MACBOOK PRO and looks at it in amazement. He shakes it, puts it up to his ear, then finally 2-finger pokes it. MOE Hey, what’s this contraption do. Moe gives it to Larry. 96.

MOE (CONT’D) Porcupine. See if you can make this thing do something. Larry starts fumbling with the MacBook and OPENS it. He smiles proudly. He presses a few keys and a ‘Donkey Kong’ type VIDEO GAME pops up on the screen. Larry chuckles to himself as he begins to get the hang of it. Suddenly Moe’s phone rings. Moe answers. MOE (CONT’D) Hello? Who’s this?... What’s the password? JAMES (V.O.) The password is “It’s James you idiot.” MOE Okay boss, voice recognized. Moe slaps Curly just for nothing. MOE (CONT’D) Why didn’t you say it was the boss. JAMES (V.O.) How are you guys doing in there? Hurry, we’re running out of time. MOE Give us a minute JW, we haven’t pushed every button yet. Meanwhile, Larry is still amusing himself with the video game on the computer. Moe notices Larry is ABSORBED... MOE (CONT’D) (hopeful) Hey Brainiac, are you onto something? LARRY Yeah. If I can get by this Gorilla, I can get to the next level and save the beautiful Princess! MOE No kidding? Then the beautiful Princess can tend to that lump on your head. LARRY What lump? 97.

MOE This one! Moe grabs the MacBook and smashes it over Larry’s head. MOE (CONT’D) Now get busy. Do I have to do everything around here?

INT. WERMONGER’S BEDROOM - MORNING He awakens from a deep sleep and reaches for his cellphone. WERMONGER (into phone) Hey, Amscranita, call Hans. AMSCRANITA I’m sorry super rock star, Hans is unreachable. He is unable to operate any type of phone at this time. WERMONGER Shit, I forgot about that. Then get me his assistant. INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION. ASSISTANT Yes, Mr. President. WERMONGER Have the lab techs figured out what the second formula is? ASSISTANT I’m sorry to inform you sir that the second formula is for the Crunch Berries in ‘Captain Crunch’. WERMONGER What? I’ve been totally duped by those morons! And I thought we were best buds. ASSISTANT Should I cancel the launch? WERMONGER Hell no! Fill those drones ASAP! ASSISTANT Yes Sir! You should be able to launch later today, as scheduled. 98.

WERMONGER If my range is only this crappy little island this time, then so be it. Let this be a preview of what’s to come. Today Amscray, tomorrow, the world! CUT TO:

INT. BIOHAZARD LAB - DAY Suddenly, one of the giant vats begins bubbling and we can hear liquid gushing through a THICK RUBBER HOSE, which goes through the wall, and OUT of the building. CURLY Nyah ah ah ah. I think someone just flushed the toilet. LARRY No dummy. Someone’s taking a shower. Moe KONKS their heads together. MOE No dummies, that’s the filler thing James was talking about. Moe dials up James. Intercut phone conversation.. MOE (CONT’D) We found that fuel sewer boss. There’s a lot of liquid pumping out through this big hose. JAMES Oh my God, that’s it. He’s starting to fill the drones with that poison. You need to stop it now. MOE But James, we pushed every button in the joint and nothing works. JAMES Then blow a hole in that hose some how and get your butts out to the airfield. Moe hangs up. 99.

MOE (to Larry) Porcupine, you go find something sharp. LARRY Like a bowling ball? MOE Yeah, and here’s your strike. Moe slaps Larry. MOE (CONT’D) (to Curly) You go find something big to smack it with. Curly gives him a blank stare, and shrugs. MOE (CONT’D) Don’t just stand there, onion head! Go on! Moe palms Curly in the forehead. Curly back pedals a few steps and falls back-first against the LEVER BETWEEN THE VATS. His weight pushes the lever toward the LEFT VAT. Curly gets up and notices the lever. CURLY Ohh, a smackaroony stick! He tugs on it with all his might and yanks it off, hitting himself in the forehead with a CLANG. He shakes it off and brings it to Moe. Larry shows up with a big screwdriver. MOE Good work boys. Porcupine, hold that screwdriver against the hose. I’ll give it a whack with this stick. Moe spits in his hands and lines up to hit the screwdriver. He swings and hits the screwdriver on the nose, but the thick rubber hose causes the lever to BOUNCE BACK and hit Curly in the head. Moe dials James again. MOE (CONT’D) It’s no use boss. This hose is thicker than Curly’s skull. JAMES Damn! There’s only one option left. Meet me at the drone fleet. (MORE) 100.

JAMES (CONT'D) We’ll have to cut each filler hose one by one. CUT TO:

EXT. KRYMEA RIVER - RAILROAD BRIDGE - DAY James puts his phone away and wraps his arm around Aurora. JAMES (CONT’D) Are you ready to do this? It’s going to be dangerous, and... AURORA ...and what? JAMES It might be the last chance I get to kiss your beautiful lips. James goes in for a kiss, but she stops him short. AURORA Tell me truthfully. Am I the only one? JAMES Are you kidding? Absolutely. When I look at you, I can’t even think of about any of the others. AURORA Others?! She slaps him really hard. JAMES Did I say others? I meant nothers. (beat) What I’m trying to say is that I promise you’ll be the only one from this moment on. They kiss passionately. CUT TO:

INT. WERMONGER’S BEDROOM - DAY Wermonger and Moustacha are sitting up in bed watching the SURVEILLANCE MONITORS. On ONE MONITOR they see the Stooges running out the gate. Wermonger clicks TO ANOTHER MONITOR to see Aurora and James climbing down the embankment toward the drones. 101.

WERMONGER What the??! Bogus scene man! This is not how I envisioned it going down. First my blood bros turn on me and then spy dude and rebel bitch find my fleet of drones. Talk about buzz kill. (thinks aloud) What are those three traitor dudes running from anyhow?... THE LAB! Wermonger grabs his phone and calls the Tech Assistant. INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION. WERMONGER (CONT’D) Dude, those scoundrels, Operative 9- 1-1, Agent Orange and Ralph were running from the compound. See if they screwed with anything in the biohazard lab and make sure the fueling is on schedule. TECH ASSISTANT According to all computer data the fluid has started flowing to specs at twenty gallons per minute. Everything is on schedule, sir. WERMONGER Way Cool. Gotta’ split to the drone field before they have a chance to rain on my launch parade. Anything else I should know? TECH ASSISTANT Yes, when the nose cones are half full the engines will automatically start up to an idle. Then, when they’re full, they’ll power up, disengage from their hoses and launch in a pre-programmed formation. Wermonger squeezes Moustacha thigh. WERMONGER Come on Dragon Lady get dressed. We got to tango with spy dude and rebel bitch. MOUSTACHA Just promise me this. That sleaze bag Aurora is all mine. 102.

Wermonger looks at Moustacha’s bed-head, running eye shadow, and smeared lipstick then removes his hand from her leg. WERMONGER She’s all yours, Mud Puppy. I’m sure you’ll give her a scare.

They both bound out of bed. CUT TO:

INT. UNDERGROUND REBEL HIDEOUT - DAY The rebels are equipped with clubs, pitchforks, knives and anything else they could use as weapons. AVI Are you ready to take back Amscray?! A loud CHEER erupts as they storm out the door. CUT TO:

EXT. WERMONGER’S COMPOUND - DAY A BARN DOOR swings open and Wermonger emerges on a WHITE STALLION. Moustacha is riding on the back, with her arms wrapped around his waist. As he starts galloping toward the gate, we suddenly hear the sound of an approaching HELICOPTER. Wermonger stops short to see who this could be. The helicopter lands a few yards from him and the THREE ESCAPED SPIES JUMP OUT. The helicopter flies off. Wermonger can’t believe his eyes. He jumps off his horse and greets, Operative 911, Agent Orange and Ralph. They still have their facial hair, etc. WERMONGER Dudes! You’re such eye candy right now man. (they all hug) Three funky imposters that looked exactly like you dudes, totally roasted my chestnuts man. I’ll explain it all to you later but right now. We’ve gotta’ stop those rat finks from sabotaging the launch. Get on your bikes and get down to the drones, pronto! 103.

Wermonger gallops off. Moments later the spies come riding out of the barn on three TRAIL BIKES.

EXT. DRONE FIELD - DAY James and Aurora, both donning gas masks and gloves, begin to cut the filler hoses. As they struggle with the thick rubber, it seems that this will take longer than anticipated. JAMES Damn it! These hoses are thicker than I thought. Where the hell... Suddenly, the Stooges emerge from the woods across the field brandishing three steak knives. MOE Here we are boss! JAMES It’s about time. Start cutting those hoses. (beat) Where are your gas masks? A couple whiffs of this crap will disintegrate your brain! LARRY (begins cutting a hose) Don’t worry, it don’t effect us. MOE Yeah, just like Wermonger. We’re immune for some reason. Everyone in that lab had those ‘Ghostbuster’ suits on except Wermonger and us and we were fine. JAMES Huh. When he believed you were his spies he must have fed you the antidote. CURLY You got something there Wongy. He could have slipped it to us anytime. He ate every meal like he was going to the Electric Chair -- The King Crab legs with bernaise sauce... MOE (konks Curly on the head) Hey, Guy Fieri, get busy! 104.

ON CURLY struggling to cut through the thick rubber hose. CURLY Hmmm! This will take us all day. Curly drops his knife and begins yanking on the hose with all his might. The hose detaches with a loud POP. CURLY (CONT’D) (holding up the hose) Heh, heh. This is the way to go. Curly looks victoriously at the broken hose. Suddenly a gush of fluid hits him in the face. CURLY (CONT’D) (points at the hose, aggravated) Hmmmmmm! (smacks his lips) Huh, tastes like apple juice. Larry and Moe observe this. In turn, they drop their steak knives and start yanking on the hoses. They manage to pull off a few, spraying themselves in the face in the process. James observes the Stooges getting doused in the fluid. JAMES (to Aurora) Whoa! Did you see that? The antidote really does the trick. I’m sure Wermonger has all his inner circle immune as well.

EXT. WERMONGER’S COMPOUND - DAY Avi and his rowdy rebels STORM the COMPOUND only to find everyone is gone. AVI (shouts to the mob) Looks like no one’s here. The mob quiets. AVI (CONT’D) Screw it. Let’s go home.

EXT. DRONE FIELD - DAY WE HEAR the distant sound of approaching dirt bikes. 105.

JAMES Damn it. Hear that? They’re on their way. (to Stooges) Doesn’t sound like many of them, so we’ll have to take them out. (re: their steak knives) Is that all you brought for weapons?! CURLY Yeah, we thought we was just gonna have to cut hoses, not throats! AURORA Wait a sec. They’re approaching from the other side of the fleet. Take these shovels and rope-- slow them down as much as you can while James and I disable this side of the field. JAMES Clever girl. James and Aurora continue cutting feverishly. The Stooges grab a rope and the shovels off Aurora and James’s back packs then wind their way through the drones to the other side of the field. The sound of the approaching dirt bikes is getting louder. Moe and Larry are atop the embankment, a few meters into the woods. With the help of the sunlight, they discover a slightly used trail. The dirt bikes grow louder. MOE Porcupine, stretch that rope across this path and tie it off... (points to his neck) About ye’ high. They tie the rope between two trees, duck down, and wait. Agent Orange, is speeding toward the field. Suddenly the rope catches perfectly under his chin, causing him to spin around in FAST MO, like a propeller, then slam to the ground. Wermonger and the two remaining spies stop and stand over their fallen comrade. The Stooges run down the embankment and get lost in the maze of drones. 106.

WERMONGER (hangs his head) Poor Agent Orange, his death was a great blow to me. (to spies) Enough nonsense! You take those three phonies. I’ll take that ‘Jason Bourne’ wanna-be and Moustacha will handle that douche bag, Aurora. The two spies dump their bikes and head toward the drones. ON JAMES AND AURORA. They hear Wermonger’s horse approach. ON WERMONGER AND MOUSTACHA. When Wermonger spots James, he spurs the horse into race mode. Wermonger dips his head and raises his ass like a jockey, knocking Moustacha OFF the back of the horse. Not noticing, he bee lines toward James. Wermonger jumps off his horse, confronting him with a handgun. JAMES (taunting) Sure you need a gun, You soulless, hippy freak, pussy! You can’t take the fact that Amscranians despise you. Wermonger cocks his gun. JAMES (CONT’D) Are you still the resentful little boy with daddy issues, because you were a colossal musical failure? Wermonger, throws the gun down and bull rushes James. ANGLE ON MOE getting chased around one of the drones by Operative 9-1-1. They stop for a moment. Operative 9-1-1 takes off his glove and raises his Gold Fingers and smiles at Moe. OPERATIVE 9-1-1 And now, the moment I’ve been waiting for. Moe squares off with Operative 9-1-1 and takes off his glove and holds his two fingers up. MOE Oh, yeah, meet the fastest poke this side of Lake Winnipesaukee. 107.

They begin lunging at each other’s eyes, narrowly missing at each attempt.(Stooges CONGA SONG playing O.S.) They stop. They’re across from one another, their heads beneath the opposite wing. MOE (CONT’D) (points) Hey Bub, look! That cloud looks just like you. As Operative 9-1-1 looks skyward, Moe PUSHES UP as hard as he can on his wing, SLAMMING the opposite wing down like a seesaw onto 9-1-1’s face, knocking him out. ANGLE ON Moustacha and Aurora. They face off. MOUSTACHA You only resent me because everyday I wake up with a world leader. AURORA If I were you, I wouldn’t release that to TMZ. It’s easy for him to get a pig to sleep in his bed every night. MOUSTACHA Then why aren’t you in it? AURORA Bitch! They grab each other by the hair, clawing and kicking. ANGEL ON James and Wermonger. They punch it out, back and forth until they end up with their hands on their knees, huffing and puffing in the middle of the runway, across from each other. ON RALPH and CURLY. Ralph, with a menacing look, still sporting his long FU MAN CHU BEARD, has Curly backed up against a drone. It looks like the end for Curly until he pats his pockets and feels the LIGHTER. He points it at Ralph’s beard and flicks it... Ralph’s beard FLAMES up like dried hay. Just then, Larry emerges from behind another drone with a shovel. He spots Ralph’s flaming beard. LARRY Don’t worry pal, I got it. Larry winds up and hits MOE on his BACK SWING, then CLANGS Ralph square in the face, knocking him out. As Ralph is down, Larry swings a few more times, then turns to Curly... 108.

LARRY (CONT’D) I think I got it all. Do you see anymore sparks? IN THE MEANTIME Moe gets up and approaches Larry. LARRY (CONT’D) (proud) Hey Moe, I got both of them. Him and that little fat guy on the ground. Larry points to the ground where Moe was laying. LARRY (CONT’D) He was right there, I swear it. MOE Oh yeah? What did he look like? LARRY Short, fat and ugly. He was hideous Moe! I swear, I’ll have nightmares. Moe grabs the shovel and clangs Larry in the forehead. MOE That was me, you idiot! ON MOUSTACHA and AURORA. Aurora is kneeling on top of Moustacha, banging her head on the ground to the rhythm of her own little SONG... AURORA “You’ll never find a guy like James- cuz your ugly head I’ll bash! -- Even if you wear a wig, underneath you’re still a pig! She stands Moustacha up, and with the remaining rope, ties her to the PROPELLER of a nearby drone. Suddenly we see the tanks of the drones are HALF FULL, and the ENGINES START UP to an idle. Moustacha starts spinning around with the propeller. As it picks up speed, it FLINGS her off the propeller, launching her into the woods. The drones, now full, have started taxiing out of the field and taking off as programmed. James and Wermonger roll around on the gravel runway, while dodging the drones. Wermonger is kneeling on top of James and pulls out a knife. James catches Wermonger’s arm as it comes down to stab him. 109.

James holds it off for a few seconds but the knife is INCHING CLOSER to his chest. The next drone is coming right for them. Wermonger ducks down against James to avoid the propeller. As it passes over them, James quickly lifts the back of Wermonger’s belt, CATCHING IT ON THE TAIL HOOK. Wermonger is dragged along the ground for a bit and takes off... screaming. Aurora, James and the Stooges go in for a GENUINE GROUP HUG... MOE Come on you lugs, one last mission. Let’s go get the kids! Aurora, James, the Stooges, run in the direction of the camp. CUT TO:

EXT. CHILDREN CAMP IN WOODS - DAY The guards immediately surrender. The children begin cheering as the Stooges free them from their shackles. MOE (to James) There you go boss, good as new. Now you can bring the children back to their parents. JAMES No. You boys deserve the credit. If it wasn’t for you, we may still be looking for them! MOE (to Curly) Hey, Pie-eyed Piper, lead the way. CURLY Oh, boy, come on kids, follow me. We see a line of ecstatic children following Curly MARCHING with a FLUTE. Everyone smiles at this. CUT TO:

EXT. COURTYARD WERMONGER’S COMPOUND - DAY Parents begin cheering and jumping up and down, as we see the line of children, lead by Curly, enter the compound. The children and parents run toward each other to embrace. 110.

James, Aurora and the Stooges enjoy a group hug. DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. AMSCRAY SOUTH BEACH The normally busy beach is now empty. The Ornate Cabana flaps are now at the mercy of the wind. James, Aurora, and the Stooges are standing on the shore. Aurora is in tears. James is stoic. JAMES You know, despite your inept, fumbling inability to follow orders, or accomplish anything on your own, I’ve actually grown to like you guys. ANGLE ON THE STOOGES beginning to tear up. MOE Aw shucks. Don’t go soft on us now, James. JAMES I’m not. I’m just saying good bye. James pulls the SMALL GOLD PILLBOX out of his pocket. He takes out a capsule and tosses it into the water. POOF! An elaborate ESCAPE POD inflates before their eyes, complete with curtains and an ICED CHAMPAGNE BUCKET. James takes Aurora by the hand and ducks into the pod. MOE Hey, James! What about us? JAMES Oh, right. He tosses Moe his phone. JAMES (CONT’D) Just hit Zero and Bud will answer. The pod drifts off into the sunset. Moe punches Zero on the phone and waits... We hear Bud’s voice. BUD JAMELSON V.O. Hello boys. 111.

STOOGES Hey Boss. BUD JAMELSON V.O. I’m sure you’re anxious to get home. STOOGES Boy, I’ll say. Are we ever! BUD JAMELSON V.O. I’m sorry to inform you that won’t be possible just yet. STOOGES Huh? What do you mean? BUD JAMELSON V.O. Since Wermonger’s disappearance, you will need to stay behind and restore democracy to the Republic. MOE Come on boss. We’re sick of this place. We want to come home. BUD JAMELSON V.O. I’m sure you do. But stabilization of the island is vital to the world. LARRY (chimes in) Can’t you just send three new stabilizers? BUD JAMELSON V.O. NO! You have already earned The REBELS trust. And remember, all of the luxuries of Amscray are now at your disposal. CURLY Even the food? BUD JAMELSON V.O. Especially the food! CURLY WOO! WOO! WOO! Viva Amscray. Moe and Larry respond in kind. MOE/LARRY VIVA AMSCRAY! 112.

BUD JAMELSON V.O. Those are your orders, boys. Good luck. This is a recording and your phone will self-destruct in three seconds. STOOGES NYAHH! The boys let the phone drop into the sand. As it begins to disintegrate, we... FADE OUT.

TO BE CONTINUED...

STOOGES OPEN James Bond Like Song /Three Stooges Song Current Animations and Sound Effects are exaggerated for demo purposes

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Wermonger Shows Stooges Subliminal Message From ALBomb Tracks CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO