THE THREE STOOGES: GOLDFINGERS Story by Cameron Fay & Mike Cerrone & Mike Troiano Written by Mike Cerrone & Rob Meyers & Mike Troiano Registered WGAeast #1299793 SUPER READS: SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH CARIBBEAN The camera widens to a shot of the darkened sea. A speedboat CHUGS SLOWLY into frame. At the wheel is a handsome ASIAN MAN, JAMES WONG, 30’s, sporting a designer Tuxedo, peering through night vision binoculars. With him are three ACCOMPLICES dressed in Ninja-type black tights. They can’t seem to find what they came out here for... Suddenly a ‘THUMP’ is heard under the bow of the boat. James peers over the side. HIS POV: A MAN, also dressed in a tuxedo is treading water while rubbing his head. MAN IN WATER (heavy foreign accent) Idiot! Watch where you’re going! JAMES What are you doing out here? MAN IN WATER (tentative) Pearl diving...? JAMES In a tuxedo? The man raises his hands and treads water with just his legs. MAN IN WATER (nervous) Well... I didn’t have time to change. But I have a license. (beat) Are you Amscranian Security. Be frontwards with me. JAMES What? No. The man heaves a sigh of relief and drops his arms. JAMES (CONT’D) What do you know about Amscray? MAN IN WATER Take me in the boat and I’ll tell you all about it. James’ accomplices help him into the boat. TIME CUT TO: 2. INT. SPEED BOAT The MAN from the water is sitting in the boat wrapped in a blanket. James is pumping the man for information, while one of the accomplices takes the helm and speeds through the darkness. JAMES So, where’s the island? MAN IN WATER You just missed it by about two hours. (he points) It went that way. JAMES What? You’re telling me that a forty acre island moves? MAN IN WATER Yes, and I didn’t have time to brace for Mobilization. JAMES Huh, I didn’t think Wermonger was that smart. MAN He’s not. It was all his father’s vision. He cloaked the island with permanent GPS coordinates so he could move it at will, undetected. JAMES Why? MAN He had to protect his high profile clientele from international scrutiny, and especially the pesky paparazzi. JAMES What’s he protecting them from... What goes on there? MAN The usual... drug trafficking, money laundering, prostitution, gambling, and midget tossing. If he felt the heat was on - BOOM! - He moves the island. JAMES What happened to his father? 3. MAN Off the record, I think his son, Wolfgang Wermonger III is responsible for his father’s sudden death. Having no mother, everything goes to him, but he wanted it too much sooner than later. JAMES What do the people think of him? MAN He’s a tyrant, they hate him. They are mere turnip farming peasants. Though I believe they’re scheming a revolution, they have no weapons other than a pitchfork, and how you say... snowballs, made from Yak poop. James shakes his head. JAMES A mobile island that has Yak shit fights. And I could be on the slopes in Switzerland chasing some double-agent snow bunny. MAN What is snow bunny? JAMES Never mind. How about the high rollers that traffic drugs, gamble, and toss little people; what do they think of him? MAN He was smart enough not to interfere with the corrupt sanctuary that the guests enjoy. They couldn’t give a rodent’s pee- pee about Wermonger’s domestic policies... As long as there’s no revolution, the money flows, everyone’s happy. Suddenly James spots something through his binoculars. JAMES There’s the land of misfit toys now. He quickly steps into the front shoe of a slalom waterski, takes a coil of ski rope and stands facing forward on the transom. 4. JAMES (CONT’D) I personally don’t care about their domestic policies either. I’m here for a completely different reason. MAN And, what is that? The coil of rope unfurls and James hops off the boat landing upright. JAMES (yells) Let’s just say I’m looking for an old friend. The speedboat veers sharply to the LEFT, WHIPPING James RIGHT, toward the island. He lets go of the rope, COASTS up to the island and hops on. His tux remains dry. As he cleans his shoes with his hanky, he notices a WOMAN on a bench, crying. JAMES (CONT’D) Hello, the name is Wong, James Wong. (beat) Forgive me, but you seem distressed. May I help? WOMAN No thank you. I thought for a moment you were my husband. He fell off the island right from that spot two hours ago. JAMES Oh, him. He’ll be fine my dear. I’m sure he’ll be phoning you shortly. Good night. Suddenly, her cellphone rings. James nods, straightens his bow tie and heads toward the casino. CUT TO: ESTABLISHING SHOT of a Taj Mahal theme CASINO. Except for the opulence of the casino, we are obviously in a third world FOREIGN country-- dusty roads, street vendors, old men on donkeys and dilapidated buildings... An irritating creaking noise draws our attention to a faded wooden sign which reads: WELCOME TO THE REPUBLIC OF AMSCRAY-- A Great Place to Hang! 5. INT. CASINO - NIGHT Wealthy looking Arabs and Europeans drink and gamble as if the world was theirs. The camera finds James, leaning against the bar. JAMES’S POV: Through the hooka smoke, he’s closely eyeing three SHADY CHARACTERS sitting at a table. Except for different hairdos and facial hair, they have an uncanny RESEMBLANCE to the STOOGES: picture MOE with his hair greased back and a small Hitler mustache. We notice his right hand is made of GOLD, permanently stuck in the ‘Peace Sign’ position. LARRY’s curly locks are combed over straight and he’s wearing funky sunglasses. CURLY has a Fu Manchu. With them is an AMERICAN LOOKING MAN, WILSON, handing them a SMALL PACKAGE. This is James’ cue. He approaches with his gun drawn and rests his drink on the table. Wilson looks up, alarmed to see James. JAMES Hand it over, dirt bags. (beat) How much are they paying you, Wilson? I always figured you for a greedy turncoat louse. MOE LOOK-ALIKE (foreign accent) What is ‘louse’? JAMES It’s a tiny infestating parasite that-- never mind! Just then, in an instant, the Moe look-alike peers down at his GOLD FINGERS and lunges an EYE POKE at James. James quickly defends himself with the barrel of his gun. The gold fingers stop short of James’ eyes. After a few more lunges fail to hit their mark, Moe look-a-like FLIPS the table over and the threesome BOLTS for the DOOR. James catches his drink mid-air and takes a swig. Agent Wilson pulls his gun, too late; James puts one in his chest then pours his drink on Wilson’s head... JAMES (CONT’D) This one’s on you, pal. As the casino PATRONS duck for cover, an armed GUARD with a MACHINE GUN and a mug of beer, blocks the doorway. James shoots him in the knee and GRABS the beer. JAMES (CONT’D) You won’t be needing this... James needlessly kicks him in the stomach, spots the fleeing three and sprints after them. 6. EXT. STREETS OF AMSCRAY - NIGHT The bad guys are speeding away in a beat-up pickup truck while James’ suped-up Porsche follows in a Bond-esque chase. James attempts to muscle the pickup off the road, but the Porsche is no match... it’s sent tumbling over and over as James’ body HANGS HALF OUT OF THE CAR flopping and banging against the cement like a rag doll. When the dust clears, James miraculously gets up and pulls out what appears to be a switchblade. Instead of cold steel, a small WHISKBROOM pops out of the handle. James calmly brushes himself off. The pickup truck skids and hits a tree. While the spies are unconscious, James searches their jackets and finds the FLASH DRIVE. When he hears the sound of approaching Amscray Police sirens, he escapes into the woods. DISSOLVE TO: TITLE CARD: JAMES WONG RETURNS (With The Three Stooges) IN GOLDFINGERS MUSIC SWELLS over James Bond Style Opening Graphics. Slow motion naked silhouetted women doing underwater acrobatics. (see attached segment) END OPENING CREDITS. DISSOLVE TO: INT. DIRECTOR OF THE CIA’S OFFICE - DAY BUD JAMELSON, CIA Director, answers his phone.(picture Bud Jamison from the original Three Stooges) Also in the room is SHELLY BEECH, TECH ANALYST, early 30’s. She has a pretty face but is a bit plump. Probably hasn’t been on a date in a while. Jamelson is on the phone with James Wong. Intercut phone conversation... BUD JAMELSON Please tell me you got the flash drive... Great! (beat) But what??... What do you mean they got away? JAMES They wrapped their car around a tree and they were all out cold, or dead, I couldn’t tell. (MORE) 7. JAMES (CONT'D) The heat was on my tail, so I grabbed the flash drive and had to bolt. The NOISE grows louder from the MAINTENANCE MEN working OUTSIDE Jamelson’s office. BUD JAMELSON (screams) Keep it down out there!!! (into phone) Hold on a moment James. Jamelson opens his office door to reveal the real MOE, LARRY and CURLY mopping the hallway floor. BUD JAMELSON (CONT’D) I told you imbeciles to keep it down! (beat) Tell me, what did you morons do before you became ‘lousy’ janitors? MOE Aw, we were lousy at everything..