When Ghods Speak Crifanac Meant in the Spirit of “Good” Humor and Entertainment

Fellow fen and fine folk, I am here to tell you I have seen the light. Can I get an Amen? Amen! Of late, several great fanzines have found their way, through the “now certified, anthrax-free” United States Post Office to the back reaches of rural California. I am inspired. Actually, I’ve always felt crifanac was a marvelous name for a fanzine, I thought so when Arnie Katz first taught me what it meant, I thought so when he and I did a number of issues. I like it so much, and I had such a great time pubbing it, I’m reviving the title. For all the fan historians, this run shall be known as Volume 2 or V2. Hence, this ish is V2 Number 1. I think I’ll start my ‘zine with the story of what happens… crifanac When Ghods Speak crifanac meant in the spirit of “good” humor and entertainment. by Ken Forman So how does this all relate to me? Well, Tom Green came to Hoover Dam to film a segment. No, I wasn’t It All Started With The Tom Green Show exactly in the show, but let me tell the story in its proper order. Ever experience one of those times when the ghods speak to you in a clear and undeniable voice? I did. The Word came down from the bosses that someone from heavens opened up and a heavenly chorus sang. The voice MTV was bringing a film crew to film one of the Hard of the One TruFan spoke. An oak tree appeared to me in Hat Tours. Although there are certain guides who’re the guise of a burning bush. A message as clear as usually chosen for on-camera type situations, this time Colorado River water came to me that read “KEN FORMAN one of the middle management types decided he wanted – YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.” Never being one to the exposure. This was not a big problem, except that in ignore such obvious portends, I listened – and my life this case, the guy – and we’ll just call him Pat – is pretty changed, but not overnight. It all started nearly two years straight-laced, had never watched MTV, or even heard of ago when I was visited by Tom Green. Tom Green before. In other words, he was exactly the kind of boob Tom Green likes to mess with! Yes, that Tom Green. The one The general instructions when it comes to film crews, from MTV, ex-talk show host, news media, etc. are to cooperate as much as reasonably perennial prick, testicularly possible. I’m guessing the basic philosophy is that any challenged cancer survivor, Mister advertisement is a good thing. I imagine Pat thought this Drew Barrymore – that Tom would be a cakewalk with this talk show host asking a few Green. questions and generally being awed by the grandeur of the For those of you who are Dam – not a bad assumption since that’s usually what unfamiliar with the Tom Green happens. However, what Pat didn’t count on was Green’s Show from MTV, please allow me modus operendi – which was to annoy those around him, elucidate. especially anyone looking vaguely official. For the sake of entertainment, As soon as the tour left, Green started heckling Pat, Mr. Green developed a talk show asking him such puerile questions as “Where’s the dam to appeal to the less erudite bait?” and “Are you a dam guide?” Although such members of the masses. It turns questions are commonplace, they are nevertheless out that it also appealed to a annoying. Green’s plan was working perfectly, and the certain cross-section of the more cameraman was getting it all on tape. educated set; probably triggering pleasant synaptic One part of that particular tour required the group to be responses in the reptilian hindbrain similar to those crowded into a relatively small elevator – comfortably it caused by the Three Stooges, professional wrestling, and would hold about a dozen adults, this time, with Green Challenger. and his cameraman, there were twenty-one people In addition to studio interviews, Tom Green frequently crammed shoulder-to-shoulder. did “man on the street” type segments where he and a “This elevator’s too small,” whined Green. camera crew did their best to annoy their subjects and “It’s a short ride,” explained Pat. generally cause a vitriolic response. Some of his stunts “But this elevator’s too small,” Green repeated. included interviewing passersby with a dog shit covered I imagine the conversation went on much like that for microphone, making sure he shoved it as close to their the entire ten-story ride – Pat’s face getting redder and noses as possible, or erecting – on their front lawn – a redder with anger. I later learned that Pat warned Green statue of his parents fornicating. Of course, all of this was 1 several times that he was disrupting the tour and that if he in a quiet voice said “Thank you.” He left, my crowd didn’t relax, Pat would have him removed from the laughed, I continued my talk and the sun went on shining. premises. You can imagine Green’s delight at this. (In I heard later that after leaving my group, Green pushed fact, he was so delighted that he aired portions of the tour Pat’s buttons once too often. Apparently Pat finally every night for a week, but I’m getting ahead of myself.) decided that he’d had enough and called one of the dam’s By now you must be wondering how I fit into this Federal Police Officers and had Green and his entourage milieu. of one escorted from the premises. Although all of the While Pat was trying to keep a lid on his growing dam’s FPOs are great people, they have no sense of humor “situation,” I was conducting a regular tour of the dam. and are not to be messed with. My group was relatively small, only about 30 people, most Tom Green started his obnoxious act with the officer, of whom were teens and young adults. but didn’t get very far. Frequently (and this time was no exception) the Hard In a quiet voice, the officer advised “Unless you want to Hat Tours need to pass a regular tour. This usually occurs spend the next year in jail for obstructing a Federal on the outside portion of the regular tour, so while one investigation, I suggest you keep your mouth shut.” Green group is standing, mouth agape, the other can pass by followed his advice and that was basically the end of the without disrupting the talk. Ah, but there’s that word incident. “disruption” again. Tom Green couldn’t miss the opportu- nity to annoy yet another official looking person (me). Until about a week later when… The difference in this case is that I knew whom Tom Green was and what he liked to do. Actually, most of my I received a written reprimand for my part in the whole tour (being firmly within the show’s demographic) incident. Yes, you read correctly, the government decided recognized him. it was embarrassed by the way Green was handled, and As Pat’s group passed mine, Green and his cameraman felt it was necessary to punish – somebody. held back and started listening to my talk. In fact, the guy There weren’t a lot of choices, either. Pat is the kind of with the camera squatted down in front of me and started guy who “never” does anything wrong, that is if you ask filming. Tom stood aside and just watched for a few him. Besides, his nose is so brown that if his bosses ever minutes. Pat, on the other hand, had led his group turned a sharp corner, Pat’s neck would be broken. No charged past me and was trying to finish his tour. I just option for retribution there. ignored them and continued what I was saying. The police officer simply did his job, removed the After a few minutes, Green came and stood beside me – offender from the dam, and advised him of the legal to be in the camera shot I suppose. He leaned conspirato- situation. No candidate for scapegoatdom here, either. rially toward me. The only other person involved was yours truly. “Can I borrow that?” he asked in a soft voice, gesturing at my microphone. Great government gears ground at glacial speed. It only “Sure,” I shrugged my shoulders and handed him the took them three months to write the two-page letter mic. accusing me of not “maintaining control of government It’s important to keep in mind that this particular property issued to me.” I was also admonished that any microphone was attached to a loud speaker and had further infraction would result in more severe action taken enough watts to be heard over the sound of noisy genera- against me. And that this restriction would stay on my tors by a large crowd of tourists. In other words, this record for one year. system can be very LOUD. Green took advantage of the situation. What could I do? I laughed it off, shrugged my shoul- “THIS PLACE SUCKS!” he shouted into the micro- ders, and took the rest of the afternoon off. (A little know phone. The echoes bounced back and forth between the fact about the government is that if they admonish you in canyon walls. any way, you get the rest of the afternoon off with pay to “THIS DAM SUCKS – IT’S TERRIBLE – IT’S SUCH recover from the emotional trauma incurred by the act.

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