music magazine & concert calendar number twenty november 2017 free EDITORIAL Hey Chop Fam,

I usually just use this space to bullshit a bit, make lame jokes, and encourage you to The Chop Team come check out our shows. But inspired by all of the brave people coming forward – this month, I would like to talk instead about something a little more serious and Amande Dagod close to our hearts. Joe Kelly Glu Ten Lulu La Certa The little bubble we occupy in Berlin can often seem like a bastion for likeminded, Nathan Ma leftwing altruists. But in reality the hierarchical nature of the music and arts scene Martin Dziallas makes it a great place for predatory people in positions of power to exploit those Maya-Roisin Slater with less social capital. Abuses of power come in all shapes and sizes, it’s not just Ringo Lukas lunatics in flasher trench coats groping girls late at night on the u-bahn. Letting mi- Ryan Rosell croaggressions in your community slide also sends a message to the worst people Sören Bill that it’s okay to be awful. It’s important to remember some pieces of shit wear quirky Yannis Trouinard glasses and play cool indie music. Keep your eyes peeled for these slimy fucks. – If you see something and it seems safe for you to do so, please say something. If The Chop Issue #20 you’re ever at a Chop show and you feel unsafe talk to the person at the door, we October 2017 have a zero creep policy and are not uncomfortable taking action. Auflage : 750 Stück Free That being said these issues involve a lot more than just exposing others, they also – require a certain amount of self reflection. For example, I’ve been shitty and misogy- www.thechop.de nistic a lot in my adult life. To all of the women I’ve ever been an asshole to, I’m so FB/IG : @thechopmag sorry. Words can’t really make amends for being an asshole, but you can try to be [email protected] less of one and take note of the oppressive systems your privilege encourages you – to play into. Let’s do that. Cover photo by Jule Rothe Stay weird, but don’t be a creep, IG: @hanebuechen – Ryan Submit your events to [email protected] P.S. Just realized this is the 20th Chop we’ve printed. Thanks for reading, double – thanks to anyone who has contributed, and inexpressible gratitude to those who You want to contribute ? work on The Chop with me every month. [email protected]

The Chop ist ein kostenloses Community-Magazin mit monatlichem Konzert- kalender, das sich um die Berliner Alternativ-Live-Musikszene dreht. – The Chop is a free printed magazine/concert calendar which focuses on the live, independent music scene in Berlin.

NEGLECTED ESSENTIALS Some of the best cuts from bands on this summer’s calendar wussup? along with some suggested songs by our featured band Richie we’ve got lots of shows Stetford ($). Tracks followed by the * symbol come from local bands or artists. and stuff that we do, Catnapp — Slow * so keep reading or Defensa — No Me Digas (Imaabs Remix) $ Qeei — Prrosigo $ stop reading and look Debmaster — Ah Oui * at our internet shit. Dälek — Guaranteed Struggle Pigeon — Tiny * there was this big Torres — New Skin Roy Montgomery — Dear Future Loser empty space here and Tangerine Dream — Risky Business * we’re between graphic Pictorial Candy — Meteor Shower * designers so.... Get a listen at : mixcloud.com/TheChopBerlin

2 scratching the surface with Catnapp By Maya-Roisin Slater alking from the train station in Kreuzburg to find a quiet cafe where we can conduct W our interview Argentinian born Berlin based producer Amparo Battaglia better known by her moniker Catnapp and I get to talking about the weather. It’s a sublime fall day, cold enough for one jacket but not two and framed by a cloudless sky emitting brilliant blue. The air is thick and can- dy tinted. It’s our mutual feeling that a day like this is almost always nostalgia invoking. This nostalgia as it happens is more than just an abstract feeling for Battaglia. Later this day she has plans to go to the wedding of an old friend from back home. A friend who she met in highschool and had a crush on when she was thirteen, five years ahead of her at the time he walked the halls ordained with shiny jew- elry, orange trousers, and glistening gelled up hair. He asked her one day “Okay you want to know what elec- tronic music is?” and she said “Yes!” It was at this moment our young pro- ducer was introduced to the Chemi- cal Brothers, later through the same person hip hop groups like Cypress Hill. These artists played a huge part in influencing Catnapp to depart from her childhood experiences of more traditional music, and land where she exists now sitting at the cross section of pop, dance music, and hip hop. Operating in this space has become much easier and more fruitful since her move to Berlin a little over two years ago. In Argentina, at least when she was there, the same kind of mu- Photo Rossi by Lola sic was not being made. “There was some hip hop, like really classic na- tional hip hop in Spanish. But no one was doing breakbeat or what I wanted to do. So it was weird because I was not able to share lineups with any- one,” she explains. While those years coming up and not fitting the bill as a club act or a concert act were a lit- tle isolating Battaglia says the scene has grown exponentially since then. Now in the beginning stages of build- ing a label she’ll be releasing records Academy in Chile. “It was the last day Despite the recent release of this for some of these new players, and of RBMA and we had to give them beats, EP, Battaglia is taking no down- when she returns home to tour for we had to show them something. I was time. Working on developing and the first time since her move to Eu- still trying to find what genre I wanted to releasing two with her rope she’s excited to immerse her- make and I wasn’t feeling happy or ful- new label NAPP Records, re- self in the scene again and see the filled with anything I had done. I met this cording enough singles to last in new directions it’s being taken in. producer called AAAA and he was like releases until summer, and mak- you know I made this track you want to ing music videos to accompany This tour will be in light of her most re- put some vocals on it?” them. When I tell her this sounds cent EP, BACK, released at the begin- This track ended up being exactly the like a lot to have on your plate she ning of October. For Battaglia this EP phantom sound Battaglia had in her just laughs and explains that’s not marks a distinct change in her musi- head, and with added vocals spearhead- the half of it. But for now it’s back cal style as she finds a way to update ed the vibe of BACK. Inspired by the to the nostalgic day where leaves her sound from its core beginnings sound this collaboration bred she went collect in corners and old friends to where she feels it should develop. back to Berlin revitalized, drawing inspi- sign away a lifetime to each other. Much of this plodding towards some- ration from other aspects of her life like As months of tours and releases thing new took place last year while love and the city’s underground night- loom I would be remiss in the she was attending Red Bull Music life scene to complete the project. world of sacred journalistic clich- es not to say it seems we are sit- ting in the calm before the storm. Catnapp plays her first Chop Show at Tennis Bar on Friday November 10th, karaoke to follow. catnappmusic.com 3 NOVEMBER 2017

CALENDAR KEY

* local band – # non live music event but music related (party / dj set) Bolded shows are Chop Chip Shows (discounted access for Chop Chip owners and free entry to The Chop’s events) – Venues addresses and public transportation listed on our website. Send your concert listings to [email protected]

Monday / Montag Tuesday / Dienstag Wednesday / Mittwoch Thursday /Donnerstag Friday / Freitag Saturday / Samstag Sunday / Sonntag

01 02 03 04 The World + Nunofyrbees- 05 wax* — Schokoladen Hurray for the Riff Raff — PrivatClub Indoor Music & Tonstartssbandht + Drinks: Battle of the Aemong — Westgermany Rachel Glassberg Fourtrack On Stage Spe- Band with Various & the cial with The Burning Hell Artists + Helen Fry* Black Lips + Saba Lou — Disasters* — Culture + Construction & + Martha Rose* + Festsaal Kreuzberg Helmut — IE Container Destruction Pictorial Candi + — Marie Antoinette Tendre Biche* + The Lumes + Yoga* + Melt Mount Eerie — Silent Green Jerusalem In My Slow Steve* + Karo- Downer — IE Heart + Marker Starling + Nicho- lini* + Areamann* + Oiseaux-Tempête — las Krgovich — IE The Chop Squad* Clash Symbols #8 with Urban Spree + Africa by Toto + Yacht Communism + Imagi- Party Fears* + Raw by Mansions and Mil- nary French + Dream Nails Pepper + KOY — Bei lions — IE — Bei Ruth Ruth Glyders + Walls & Birds* — Westgermany 06 07 08 Kiezsalon with Sophia 09 10 11 12 Kennedy + Laraaji & Carlos Niño — Musikbrauerei We Make Waves Fourtrack On Stage Festival & Conference present with Lews- (Full listing online) berg + Sonndr — — Festsaal Kreuzberg Badbadnotgood + BeatGeeks + Schokoladen Carla dal Forno* + Angelic Honey Harper + Rex Orange County — Astra Sintesis — Berghain Kantine Seb* — Loophole No Music! Festival (Sandy) Alex G + Metz + Protomartyr (Full listing online) Tiny Vipers — Monarch World Brain* Catnapp* + Tops* + Jackson Macintosh — Bi Nuu Schwervon + — Haus der Kulturen der — Badehaus Karaoke — Urban Spree Schnick Schnack* Welt —Tennis Bar Sunday School Vol. III — IE with Girlie + Pigeon + CTM 2018 Prelude Antoine93 + Tops (DJ) — IE [sold out] Zusatzshow Port Rois with Pharmakon with Mac DeMarco + + Moor Mother + Montero — Astra Shins-K — Festsaal Kreuzberg

# Mac DeMarco Afterparty — Urban Spree 13 14 15 16 17 Morton Subotnick 18 19 + Alec Empire* + Princess Nokia — Lillevan* — Haus der Huxleys Neue Welt Roy Montgomery + Kulturen der Welt Ekin Fil + Rita Hurma Girl Ray + Fake — Westgermany Indoor Music & Laugh* Drinks with Pictorial Julien Baker — Monarch Torres + The Dove & Candi + World Brain* — Heimathafen Neukölln Country Club — IE The Wolf Farao* + Jae Tyler* — IE — Loophole Synästhesie III with The Horrors Neukölln — Berghain Kantine + Camera* + Pins + Balagan + Beliefs + Synästhesie Warm-up 2 with RÁN Release Party Lake Felix* + Tanno Jakuzi + Tangerine Dream — Einstürzende Gunman & The Holy Ghost + I Have No [sold out] John Maus —Acud Macht Neu Pippi* + Lo Selbo* Volksbühne Neubauten Aporia — 8MM Bar — Festsaal Kreuzberg — IE Mouth — Columbia Halle and I Must # 15 years of 8MM Jane Weaver Compilation Launch — PrivatClub Scream — 8MM Bar —IE Destroyer + Nicholas Krgovich — Festsaal Kreuzberg 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Agar Agar + Helen Fry* — IE Marilyn Manson Alex Cameron + — Tempodrom Shopping + Bikini Jesus Briana Marela Sleep Party People Total Heels — Zukunft am Ostkreuz — Lido Zola Jesus + Devon # What Difference + Hayung* — Schokoladen Blue Hawaii — IE Kaitlyn Aurelia Welsh* — SO36 Does It Make — IE — Musik & Frieden Hildegard von Binge Drinking Smith + Jan Je- The Underground Youth Shopping + Bikini Jesus — — IE linek* — Funkhaus + Perilymph* — Berghain Zukunft am Ostkreuz Kantine

27 28 29 29

Aldous Harding BALLROOM Vol. Pom Poko — IE — Musik & Frieden 8 with RYL + Jett Richard Dawson — Screams Klez.e + Box and Simon Joyner Berghain Kantine — Bassy Club the Twins — Lido + David Nance – Monarch Monday / Montag Tuesday / Dienstag Wednesday / Mittwoch Thursday /Donnerstag Friday / Freitag Saturday / Samstag Sunday / Sonntag

01 02 03 04 The World + Nunofyrbees- 05 wax* — Schokoladen Hurray for the Riff Raff — PrivatClub Indoor Music & Tonstartssbandht + Drinks: Battle of the Aemong — Westgermany Rachel Glassberg Fourtrack On Stage Spe- Band with Various & the cial with The Burning Hell Artists + Helen Fry* Black Lips + Saba Lou — Disasters* — Culture + Construction & + Martha Rose* + Festsaal Kreuzberg Helmut — IE Container Destruction Pictorial Candi + — Marie Antoinette Tendre Biche* + The Lumes + Yoga* + Melt Mount Eerie — Silent Green Jerusalem In My Slow Steve* + Karo- Downer — IE Heart + Marker Starling + Nicho- lini* + Areamann* + Oiseaux-Tempête — las Krgovich — IE The Chop Squad* Clash Symbols #8 with Urban Spree + Africa by Toto + Yacht Communism + Imagi- Party Fears* + Raw by Mansions and Mil- nary French + Dream Nails Pepper + KOY — Bei lions — IE — Bei Ruth Ruth Glyders + Walls & Birds* — Westgermany 06 07 08 Kiezsalon with Sophia 09 10 11 12 Kennedy + Laraaji & Carlos Niño — Musikbrauerei We Make Waves Fourtrack On Stage Festival & Conference present with Lews- (Full listing online) berg + Sonndr — — Festsaal Kreuzberg Badbadnotgood + BeatGeeks + Schokoladen Carla dal Forno* + Angelic Honey Harper + Rex Orange County — Astra Sintesis — Berghain Kantine Seb* — Loophole No Music! Festival (Sandy) Alex G + Metz + Protomartyr (Full listing online) Tiny Vipers — Monarch World Brain* Catnapp* + Tops* + Jackson Macintosh — Bi Nuu Schwervon + — Haus der Kulturen der — Badehaus Karaoke — Urban Spree Schnick Schnack* Welt —Tennis Bar Sunday School Vol. III — IE with Girlie + Pigeon + CTM 2018 Prelude Antoine93 + Tops (DJ) — IE [sold out] Zusatzshow Port Rois with Pharmakon with Mac DeMarco + + Moor Mother + Montero — Astra Shins-K — Festsaal Kreuzberg

# Mac DeMarco Afterparty — Urban Spree 13 14 15 16 17 Morton Subotnick 18 19 + Alec Empire* + Princess Nokia — Lillevan* — Haus der Huxleys Neue Welt Roy Montgomery + Kulturen der Welt Ekin Fil + Rita Hurma Girl Ray + Fake — Westgermany Indoor Music & Laugh* Drinks with Pictorial Julien Baker — Monarch Torres + The Dove & Candi + World Brain* — Heimathafen Neukölln Country Club — IE The Wolf Farao* + Jae Tyler* — IE — Loophole Synästhesie III with The Horrors Neukölln — Berghain Kantine + Camera* + Pins + Balagan + Beliefs + Synästhesie Warm-up 2 with RÁN Album Release Party Lake Felix* + Tanno Jakuzi + Tangerine Dream — Einstürzende Gunman & The Holy Ghost + I Have No [sold out] John Maus —Acud Macht Neu Pippi* + Lo Selbo* Volksbühne Neubauten Aporia — 8MM Bar — Festsaal Kreuzberg — IE Mouth — Columbia Halle and I Must # 15 years of 8MM Jane Weaver Compilation Launch — PrivatClub Scream — 8MM Bar —IE Destroyer + Nicholas Krgovich — Festsaal Kreuzberg 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Agar Agar + Helen Fry* — IE Marilyn Manson Alex Cameron + — Tempodrom Shopping + Bikini Jesus Briana Marela Sleep Party People Total Heels — Zukunft am Ostkreuz — Lido Zola Jesus + Devon # What Difference + Hayung* — Schokoladen Blue Hawaii — IE Kaitlyn Aurelia Welsh* — SO36 Does It Make — IE — Musik & Frieden Hildegard von Binge Drinking Smith + Jan Je- The Underground Youth Shopping + Bikini Jesus — — IE linek* — Funkhaus + Perilymph* — Berghain Zukunft am Ostkreuz Kantine

27 28 29 29

Aldous Harding BALLROOM Vol. Pom Poko — IE — Musik & Frieden 8 with RYL + Jett Richard Dawson — Screams Klez.e + Box and Simon Joyner Berghain Kantine — Bassy Club the Twins — Lido + David Nance – Monarch FEATURED SHOWS by The Chop

Monday the 13th Tuesday the 14th Friday the 17th Internet Explorer Columbiahalle Festsaal Kreuzburg

The Chop just can’t get enough of These living legends don’t need no Dan Bejar more like Dan Bae-jar Canadian bands. Come to the only promo here, it’s more of an exercise amirite ladies??? In all serious- venue in town and check out Toron- in speech. Try it out loud: in diesem ness this is one of my favorite tonian shoegazers, Beliefs. Has there Monat spielen Einstürzende Neu- bands of all time. Destroyer is ever been a bad Canadian band? bauten ihre bekanntesten Komposi- delightfully indulgent, if you’ve With the exception of Nickelback, tionen, nähe Platz der Luftbrücke in ever wondered what the genre Justin Bieber, and Simple Plan... No. Tempelhof. ‘Adult Contemporary’ sounds Plus, local purveyors of sneakerstare like in practice this would be it. (get it?), I Have No Mouth and I Must Blurring the lines between dark Scream. See ya there pals. wave and cock rock this big time Canadian hero is not to be missed.

by Ryan Rosell 15SYNÄSTHESIE years of 8MM bar III

Synasthesie III - 15 years of 8MM bar. a part of it have really made it [what it is].” This love for the scene caused Alex “Olli” Konuk doesn’t look like the bar to expand naturally. In 2006 a group of musicians who drank there he’s been running a rock-bar for fif- recorded a single under the name Powers. Konuk decided to press it onto teen years. By that, I mostly mean he seven-inch and 8MM Musik, the bar’s own , was born. The bar looks healthy. With a youthful face used to have trouble with noise complaints during concerts, so now almost and slow thoughtful manner of speak- all of the apartments in the building are inhabited by people affiliated with ing he has more the appearance of 8MM. When the bar wanted to sell something unique to drink, they organ- someone just finishing up their an- ized the distillation of their own liqueur, Melloch. thropology doctorate. But if Olli has any anthropological knowledge, it’s In the spirit of such a multifaceted place, Synfestivities aren’t limited to the because he’s been researching the big day at Volksbühne either. Here’s a breakdown of all shindigs happening effect alcohol has on humanity’s abil- around the celebration of 15 years of 8MM. ity to produce rock’n’roll music for the last decade and a half. Since it’s founding in 2002, 8MM Bar (Acht/ Eight Millimeter for those not in the Wednesday, 15.11 - 15 years of 8MM Compilation Launch know) has become one of Berlin’s Head down to 8MM Bar for the release of their comp vinyl featuring: most iconic watering holes, especial- Camera, Gurr, The Underground Youth, JAWBONES, LeVent, RÁN, ly within the rock music community. Balagan, Maraudeur, Aporia, Gunman and The Holy Ghost, Odd Cou- Its bar has been tended by members ple, and Full Moon Fiasco. of King Kahn and the Shrines, Ka- davar, Gurr, Sun and The Wolf, and Thursday 16.11 - RÁN Album Release Party many more. Continuing this 15 year 8MM Musik’s newest family member launches their first EP at Acud long legacy, the bar is putting on its Macht Neu with an afterparty at 8MM. third incarnation of SYNÄSTHESIE FESTIVAL (aka Synfest) on Novem- Friday 17.11 - Synästhesie Warm-Up 1: Can Tribute Night ber 19th at Volksbühne. Come get warmed up at 8MM Bar with vinyl collector/photographer extraordinaire, Joe Dilworth. Oh yeah, he’s also drummed with Stereo- Konuk grew up in Washington D.C.. lab, PJ Harvey, The Hangovers, and more. Plus a live set from Chica- He traded the US capitol for the Ger- goans, Glyders. man one after its hardcore punk hey- day, and that period is heavily influ- Saturday 18.11 - Synästhesie Warm-up 2 ential on how the bar runs. For him, You’re probably already pretty fucking warm at this point, but you should 8MM is a vehicle to give back to the still head back to 8MM for Gunman & The Holy Ghost + Aporia Live. music community. Bands that play there take 100 percent of the door as “a D.C. hardcore principle” and Sunday 19.11- Synästhesie III Alex is constantly emphasizing the Head on down to the ol’ Volksbhühne. The bands speak for them- music community’s role in shaping selves: The Horrors, TANGERINE DREAM, Camera, PINS, Jakuzi, and the place. “I got the thing going,” he Balagan. Afterparty @ 8MM Bar with guest DJs: PINS. said, “but the people that have been

6 Text by Nathan Ma Depression Playlist Illustration by Ringo Lukas In honor of November, the most depressing month, we bring you one Berlin based writer’s ruminations on serotonin depletion and song repetition.

The funny thing about sinking into a de- pression is that it often feels like you’re not sinking. It’s not always a sudden drop, or a sudden darkness. In fact, it’s often that you won’t realize how down you were until a missed bus or lost phone number send you into a fit, tears, or—even more exciting for eve- ryone in your vicinity—both of them, and quite loudly too!

The clarity after an episode isn’t a sudden ray of light or splash of water across your face; in its own murky way the fog is near today but gone tomor- row. Still we keep mementos from ei- ther side of the cycle: touchstones that push us in line when we’re flying too high or keep us afloat when we’re sinking down. It’s always been music for me—I’m a person who’ll spend a week listening to the same track on loop for fifteen hours a day, only paus- ing to shower and occasionally put on a new episode of Modern Family to hate watch. Though years might have passed, there are songs I can’t listen to without being sent spiraling into a Holding Out For A Hero by Bonnie Tyler and from the canal ensuring I very Tiny-Tim-meets-Christmas-Past The thing about these songs is that could still physically function style cross-examination of a previous some of them are layered sentimen- while I waited for my invoices to episode. But do I ever revisit them, with tal snapshots of past lives woven be processed. morbid curiosity itching like a scab? into sparse lyrics offering poetic and Well I can’t really think of a better way time-sensitive meaning. Others not so The beauty in The Cure is that to spend a Tuesday night. And so I pre- much. They are obvious road signs it renders Lady Gaga bizarre in sent to you, my Depression Playlist. or an x marking the spot; artifacts of the most believable way. To this nothing more than my overwhelm- day, I can half-hum the song’s Store by Carly Rae Jepsen ing simpleness. Holding Out For A topline, but the only lyric that’s Carly Rae Jepsen is a blessing and I Hero by Bonnie Tyler is one of these. stuck around is perhaps one of actively renounce anyone who disa- Sometimes we are Supermen and Su- the most beautiful for its militant grees. Call Me Maybe? Queen of Nor- perwomen and Superpeople. Other positivity: And if you say you’re malizing Queerness! All That? Queen of OK, I’m gonna heal you anyway. Supportive Friendships and Performing times, we are big baby. Give food. Emotional Labor! Cry? Queen of Re- The absurdity of it—to this day When I fell into hopelessness with jecting the Emotional Flatness of Men! still conjures images of Lady a breathless urgency, I wondered Gaga trying to shove Vitamin Store, off CRJ’s 2016 slow-burning if the stormy weather would ever D tablets down my throat while bangorama EMOTION SIDE-B, is an pass. I looked for changes in my diet, yelling, “I’VE GOT TO FIX YOU!” underrated classic—Queen of Accept- I looked for changes in my work- Lady Gaga, I’m OK! Hbu? ing Ghosting Is a Form of Self Care! outs, I looked for changes in my As CRJ awakes next to a lover, she closet—what I needed was a snake realizes she’s not in love—or maybe oil elixir. What I needed was a hero. Some Things Never Seem To she is? She turns to her lover: “I’m not Fucking Work by Solange that good at goodbyes…. sometimes, The Cure by Lady Gaga Sometimes, you want to give. it’s best to just fly…. Ask where we’re When Lady Gaga’s standalone trop- Sometimes, you want to cry. going? Oh, I can’t talk about it, can’t house bop came out around spring of Sometimes, some things never about it… cause… I’m just going to 2017, I was broke and withering away. the store!” It’s the Ghoster’s anthem— seem to fucking work, and that’s stuck between a rock and a hard place, Waiting to decide whether I should all you need to hear. all I needed was a reminder that there spend my last hundred euros on suing was a third option: Dash off into the a payment-withholding client or food. night! Goodbye! Just getting some I marinated on my couch only taking breaks twice a day for brisk walks to smokes!

7 Top of The Chop SHOW Condiments -RO- by Joe Kelly

Finally I get to write about something that matters. In the words of the late and sort of SCOPE great Oasis, “Is it my imagination or have I finally found something worth living for?” by Lulu La Certa Obviously Noel Gallagher wrote that song about cigarettes and alcohol (as the title Illustrations by Martin Dziallas suggests) but to me it’s always been about sauce. Oasis once compared themselves to The Beatles which was very stupid, sauce and The Beatles on the other hand bare The cosmos might not always an eerie resemblance. control your destiny, but when it does, The Chop has experts on hand I recently read that having a work commute under ten minutes is one of the most im- to keep you in the celestial-know. portant contributing factors to a happy lifestyle. Let’s say you’re having chips (fries) for dinner and you’ve got no ketchup or any other condiments to go with them, it’s not GEMINI – Nowhere is there gonna matter how quickly you can get home, you’re not going to be happy when you warmth to be found. Launch out get there. You need to make sure you’ve got an array of condiments at home at all on something that will last long times if you want to have any enjoyment in life whatsoever. Simple. Here’s my top five. rather than on synthetics sewn by children’s hands. 1) Hotsauce CANCER – Everything between As a rapidly ageing adult who has con- besides the point but props to mus- waking up and dropping off feels like it’s predetermined? Well, sistently smoked and drank a little bit too tard for being a happy sidekick to the sky’s the limit on this char- much over my life time I’ve got little to ketchup all these years. If I had to tered trip away. no tastebuds left. Hot Sauce has been liken mustard to a Beatle, I’d say it’s TAURUS – Ouch, that felt like my saving grace. If it wasn’t for the fact the George Harrison of the condi- a brick on the head. But you that I sometimes worry about my lack of ments. Also four stars. walked into rejection without sophistication and class I’d probably put fear and that’s pretty badass. it on everything. Unfortunately, no one 4) Chutney VIRGO – We hear you’re leav- is truly that free in life so you gotta mix Chutney is one of those condiments ing, that’s OK. Just know that in it up from time to time. That said, what that likes to come out for the big oc- the long run it’s better analyze is a burrito without hot sauce? It might casions and seasonal holidays. A bit the shit out of a conflict than to bury it. have lots of real cool ingredients but like Paul McCartney. Also like Paul they only really exist in the context of the McCartney it’s main purpose in life LIBRA – I thought our little wild hot sauce. Think of Ringo in the Beatles, is cheese. That was a fairly lazy joke time had just begun and now you’re back to that 9-to-5/treat- kinda brash and loud but essential to the but we’re at number four now and this ing yourself with a deliveroo kin- experience. Five stars for hot sauce. whole Beatles thing is becoming dif- da life? It’s alright, just don’t say ficult to maintain. Anyway chutney is I didn’t warn you. cool, it’s a bit harder to get over here 2) Ketchup SCORPIO – You could answer I sort of hate ketchup really but you can’t in Berlin, but then if you’re serious that call from your family be- argue with its staying power. Kaufland about your condiment game, you’re cause you’re stuck in traffic with sell like four hundred different types of going to need to put in the work at nothing to do, but pink turns to blue and how often can you wit- ketchup. I have no idea why you’d need some point. Three stars for chutney. ness something so beautiful? that many options but people keep buy- ing them so I guess they keep selling 5) Brown Sauce SAGITTARIUS – Something I learned today is: yield to the them. It’s a bit like a Beatles compila- Now this is definitely a British thing, I right-of-way and to the non- tion album, doesn’t matter which version know, but brown sauce and marmite right of dudes with swanky cars. you get, you know what it does. Still, it’s are two of the only things I miss about Your micro-aggressions won’t good to have lots of options. Also dif- the UK and I gotta give the old fruit shield you. ferent bottles (e.g. squeezy evil plastic sauce a little mention. You can get ARIES – Ok, you’re “Sorry some- vs classic glass style). Doesn’t matter it here, it’s just not so easy and it’s how”? That’s not a shitty ex- too much, main thing is to remember to pricey. My friend Phil said “Brown cuse, that’s no excuse at all. If you can’t be sincere then leave shake it first so you don’t get the gross sauce as a condiment? I like HP but it alone. watery bit all over your chips and com- daddy’s is too sweet. I’ll put it in a pletely ruin everything. Four stars (like sandwich though.” He also had this CAPRICORN – Is it feelings that we learn to articulate or feelings the Beatles lol). to say about John Lennon “Wife- that we learn to feel? Anyway, beating mediocre singer. In my matu- you’re having a good time, don’t 3) Mustard rity I have realized that Paul is much let reason spoil it. better.” Anyway two and a half stars I’m a Celine Dijon kinda guy myself but AQUARIUS – If the moon is ca- I’m down for most types of mustard real- for brown sauce for being a bit weird. pable of pulling all the water to ly. Not a massive fan of the sweeter stuff the beaches why do you think though. Mustard seems to be a pretty Disclaimer: Fuck Mayo. Also hon- it’s impossible that celestial bodies influence your life? Don’t big deal in Germany, there’s almost as ourable mention goes to Sriracha think so much, maybe. many brands as Ketchup. There’s a guy (sorry, forgot about you but still love who sells sausages in my local park who you). I want to add that to be truly PISCES – You keep your dis- tance, but that distance is too takes an obscene amount of pride in do- happy as suggested in the intro, far too soon. Withdrawal has to ing swirly lines of ketchup and mustard you’re going to need a lot more than be prepared carefully, especially all along your wurst which always takes these five condiments. These are when the culprit is chicken nug- way too long. Then, just as you raise the obviously just the big ones, please gets. thing to your mouth you have a little mo- don’t limit yourself. LEO – You’re coloring your life ment of going “well that does look nice” with too much spice. But you’re before it drips all over your shirt. Kinda not a showoff, you’re a van- guard. Don’t our taste-buds shrink with age?