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PAOE7 Group Sexual Experience Was A Joy For All Holiday Cheers and vagina. Women have to be stimulated Tom Mi ley from the outside in, starting with the Retriever Editorial Staff clitoris, Suzi says. Just as a man's Fears at the Local orgasm is created in the penis, the HOT, SEXY, AND SAFER. woman's orgasm is created in the cli- toris. Once the clitoris is stimulated, Video Store This was the title of the talk/com- it starts a chain reaction which leads edy bit Suzi Landolphi came to to the vagina. Actually, the first two Some Alternatives To The Old UMBC last Monday to perform. But inches of the vagina are the most sen- due to a shortage of audience mem- sitive. (So, when a girl says size Christmas Favorites bers, the show did not go on... well, doesn't matter, she's not lying.) as a couple who buy a home in the at least not exactly as she had There are 2,862 ways for sex part- Teddy Durgin Retriever Staff Writer country, only to find out that both planned. ners to stimulate and satisfy each the house and the town are not Since there were only 15 people other without penetration. Since there what they bargained for. Bribing Tired of watching It's a Wonder- who showed up for her act, Landolphi are so many ways to satisfy each the townspeople to hide their ful Life or Miracle on 34th Street decided to give us a very private other's carnal needs without "going "Northern Exposure'VDe/iver- for the umpteenth time? Me too. screening. For those of you who all the way," there needs to be a new ance-like quirkiness and masquer- Yes, they're great films (God for- missed out, do not fear. She plans to definition of sex, Landolphi told her ade as Norman Rockwell clones, bid, I should be labeled Scrooge come back sometime during National small UMBC audience. But this is Chase and Smith attempt to sell Ebert), but after you've seen them Condom Week (Feb. 7-14,1994). To hard to do because, as she discussed their house to another unassuming a few dozen times, you start to wet your appetites, here's a glimpse earlier, men and women's attitudes couple during Christmas week. yearn for something more, some- of what she's all about. about sex are different. thing different. If you look hard The film's climax is a holiday tour- The basic theme of her show is that The funniest part of the evening enough, there are plenty of mov- de-farce of ingenious sight gags if people don't change their attitudes was when Suzi called for someone ies just waiting down at your local and comic timing. about sex, then they can't change out of the audience to help her dem- video store that are guaranteed to their behaviors. Our attitudes about onstrate how to put on a condom. NO, get you into that ol' X-Mas spirit. Home Alone and Home Alone II: they didn't really do it! But she sex start at a young age. Boys are al- Here are a few suggestions: Lost in New York: Once the lowed, and even encouraged, to learn showed that all those people out there sadomasochistic slapstick is who complain about condoms being how their bodies work. Girls, on the Batman Returns: The Penguin's played out, this vastly popular se- too small are lyingl She took the other hand, are told that their bodies assault on Gotham City happens ries does have its warm moments, condom, and with the help of another exist for the pleasure of others, and just as the stink-ridden town is particularly in its family reunion person from our little group, placed that their satisfaction really isn't im- planning a big Christmas celebra- scenes at the end of each movie. Lev Bar-av / Retriever Staff the condom on the volunteer's head. portant. According to Suzi, this tion. The city's square (which cu- Ultimately stories of redemption She then pulled it down over his nose might stem from the fact that boys Safe sex took on a whole new meaning when comedienne riously looks like Rockefeller and self-reliance, the Home Alone and had him blow it up. He did, and can see their genitals and girls can't. Suzi Landolphi and a brave student volunteer Center Plaza . had it been built films need the silly Road Runner- it kept growing and growing until it Boys are fairly comfortable with dis- demonstrated how flexible condoms can be. in Hell) is the setting for the attack style violence to attract the droves was about one foot in diameter and cussing their private parts, while girls of a dreaded, and way-too-loud of kiddies that rocketed these pic- about one and a half feet tall! This are embarrassed about theirs. Suzi went on to explain the differ- is often referred to as "casually" hav- Circus Gang. Gory Christmas im- tures to the top of the box office. was definitely a sight to behold. "All the women here should go ences between SAFE SEX, SAFER ing sex. ages include the huge Christmas What often goes overlooked is So the next time Suzi Landolphi home, lay the mirror on the floor and SEX, and CASUAL CONTACT. The next stimulating topic she tree getting roughed up and Santa what an engaging and talented comes around, be sure to go see her. look at their genitalia. You will see Safe sex was defined as a sexual ex- went to was ... stimulation. As most and a toy store getting torched. young actor "Little Mac" actually it's a beautiful thing. It is even neater perience with yourself. Safer sex per- people know, men are easily stimu- She is definitely a very funny and is (if only his father can keep his looking than the guys, because it is tains to sex with another human, lated by contact with the penis. What educational lady, and it was a shame A Christmas Story: A cult favor- hands off his career). all tucked up inside nice and neat," when both parties are alcohol and most people do not know is that that not that many people came out ite that I never really got into, this for her performance. she told us. drug free. Casual contact, she said, women are NOT stimulated from the little 1983 comedy stars one-time Hook: A grown-up, slightly am- child/nerd star Peter Billingsly as nesiac Peter Pan takes his wife and a particularly wimpy little wuss- kids to visit Granny Wendy for Fences Can't Get Past a Few Hurdles kid who lusts after a Daisy Brand Christmas in London, and ends up Red Ryder repeating BB gun. The tangling with Captain Hook in Shannon Blankenship whole thing has a lukewarm, Neverland. This highly underrated Retriever Editorial Staff made-for-cult-following, pre- and vastly over-criticized update of "Wonder Years" quality to it that the classic J.M. Barrie tale gives Gilbert Lewis of the Center Stage some might find charming and audiences everything they want: production Fences may have wanted maybe even endearing. action, adventure, comedy, a sense to be a professional basketball player of wonder, and an exceptionally in high school, but the Baltimore the- Die Hard and Die Hard 2: Die thrilling musical score by John atre-going crowd struck gold when Harder: In each film, Bruce Willis Williams. Critics blasted the film he decided to shoot for an acting ca- spends Christmas Eve struggling for its lavish production values and reer instead of the hoops. against terrorists, guns, bullets, overpaid cast. But for those of you As it turned out, Lewis (Troy broken glass, heavy explosives, who have yet to see it because of Maxson) was the star of the show. and wooden acting to be reunited the bad word-of-mouth, I think Unfortunately, he was the only star with his estranged wife, played by you're in for a surprise. — other than the too little seen DJ. Bonnie Bedelia. People get shot, Howard (Maxson's insane brother neanderthal cops spout idiotic dia- Gremlins: The first film to feature Gabe). logue, Christmas trees bite the the annoying little critters who In this 1957 tale of a sixty-some- dust, and audiences eat it up. For were fruitful and multiplied re- thing blue collar black man's com- Christmas viewing, Die Hard 2 is mains the better of the two. After probably the better choice. It has ing to grip with a harsh world and metamorphosizing into hideous snow. his growing family, Lewis brings lizard creatures, the comical grem- Maxson's character to life. Lewis' lins wreak havoc in a small Mid- Funny Farm: My favorite on the Maxson is a tormented, embittered western town during Christmas. list, and a perennial favorite at the soul who has the ability to creep into Filled with Christmas images that Durgin house, Funny Farm stars folks in the audience, crossing over Photo courtesy of Center Stage Chevy Chase and Madolyn Smith SEE VIDEO, PAGE 8 all barriers and branding himself on Gilbert Lewis (far left) was the shining star in Center Stage's mediocre production of their hearts. He reaches out to say, August Wilson's "Fences." "here I am, this is me, and what I am is convinced that playing the game Rose, in the middle of the power is a part of you." And with his musi- would lead to his son's undoing by struggle between Cory and her hus- Satan's Scandal Sheet..

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