Erma Bombeck: at Wit's

Erma Bombeck: At Wit’s End

Allison Engel and Margaret Engel

A Samuel French Acting Edition

SAMUELFRENCH.COM SAMUELFRENCH-LONDON.CO.UK

ERMA BOMBECK: AT WIT’S END is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union. All rights, including professional and amateur stage productions, recitation, lecturing, public reading, motion picture, radio broadcasting, television and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. ISBN 978-0-573-70503-8 www.SamuelFrench.com www.SamuelFrench-London.co.uk

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Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd ii Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM MUSIC USE NOTE Licensees are solely responsible for obtaining formal written permission from copyright owners to use copyrighted music in the performance of this play and are strongly cautioned to do so. If no such permission is obtained by the licensee, then the licensee must use only original music that the licensee owns and controls. Licensees are solely responsible and liable for all music clearances and shall indemnify the copyright owners of the play(s) and their licensing agent, Samuel French, against any costs, expenses, losses and liabilities arising from the use of music by licensees. Please contact the appropriate music licensing authority in your territory for the rights to any incidental music. IMPORTANT BILLING AND CREDIT REQUIREMENTS If you have obtained performance rights to this title, please refer to your licensing agreement for important billing and credit requirements.

Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd iii Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM ERMA BOMBECK: AT WIT’S END was first produced by Arena Stage in Washington, D.C., on October 9, 2015. The performance was directed by David Esbjornson, with sets by Daniel Conway, costumes by Elizabeth Hope Clancy, lights by Rob Denton, sound by Rob Milburn and Michael Bodeen, and dramaturgy by Jocelyn Clarke. The Stage Manager was Marne Anderson and the Assistant Stage Manager was Rachael Albert. The Associate Director was Anita Maynard-Losh. The cast was as follows:

ERMA BOMBECK ...... Barbara Chisholm

Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd iv Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM CHARACTERS ERMA BOMBECK – a dynamo with an easy laugh.

SETTING We see her in the Bombeck home in suburban Dayton, Ohio.

TIME The present, and various times from 1962 – 1996.

Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd v Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd vi Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM 1 2 3 4 PRE-SHOW ANNOUNCER. (Voiceover.) Ladies and gentlemen, 5 thank you for silencing all your electronic devices. 6 [NAME OF THEATER] is pleased to bring back 7 humorist Erma Bombeck. Let’s give her a warm [NAME 8 OF CITY] welcome. 9 10 (As the audience applauds, ERMA BOMBECK 11 enters from the side of the stage in a pool of ethereal 12 light. She wears a shirtwaist dress.) 13 (Sound: Music accompanies the light.) 14 15 (ERMA acknowledges the audience with delight.) 16 (ERMA steps out of the light and enters the playing 17 space, which has a door on either side of the set. 18 The main part of the playing space is a living room 19 with shag carpeting, a bedroom with a double bed 20 and a kitchen with a table and chairs. The bed’s 21 headboard holds ERMA’s books. There is an ironing 22 board, an iron with a ridiculously long cord and a 23 laundry basket filled with clean clothes. There’s a 24 vacuum cleaner, a telephone in the bedroom, and 25 an easy chair and side table in the living room.) 26 27 (Music fades.) 28 ERMA. Oh gosh. It’s really wonderful to be here. 29 30 Looking back, it’s hard to figure out how I got to 31 suburbia. One moment you’re studying for a college 32 degree. Then, boom! You have a baby in your arms. 33 Once you dreamed of being a foreign correspondent. 34 Then, boom! Chef Boyardee is as exotic as it gets. I was 35 blazing a trail all right, but it only led from the laundry 36 room to the sink. 37 38 39

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1 (Sound: Children fighting, yelling, laughing. All 2 talk over each other in a cacophony with a rare 3 single line heard.) 4 (ERMA signals to the audience to wait. She can’t 5 talk right now. She makes her way to the kitchen.) 6 7 (To unseen children.) Sit up straight and eat your breakfast. 8 If your brother stole your fork, use your spoon. 9 Elbows off the table. 10 Please don’t feed the dog. 11 Keep you feet to yourself. 12 Don’t feed the dog. 13 Careful, you’re going to spill. 14 15 I told you not to feed the dog. 16 What are you wearing now? 17 Go upstairs and change. 18 Don’t worry about that tooth, it’s gonna come out 19 sooner or later. 20 It’s time to go. Get your books. 21 Bill, hurry up! The kids are going to be late. 22 23 (To an unseen Bill.) 24 Bill, there’s a first time for everything and it’s yours for 25 driving the carpool. 26 I know, transporting children is your 13th favorite 27 thing, right between eating lunch in a tearoom and 28 dropping a bowling ball on your foot. Just remember, 29 this means you have to bring the car to a complete stop 30 and open the door for them. They are small children, 31 not sacks of mail. 32 (ERMA opens the front door for Bill.) 33 34 (Addressing unseen children.) Your shoes are on the wrong 35 feet. I thought I told you to change. Don’t forget to give 36 your note to the school nurse. Remember, 7 times 8 is 37 56. Do you have your lunches, your coats, your glasses, 38 gym clothes, pens, pencils, milk money and bookbags? 39 Love you all, goodbye.

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(ERMA shuts the door. She attempts to speak, but is 1 interrupted by…) 2 3 (Sound: Doorbell.) 4 (ERMA answers the front door.) 5 Yes? What. You can’t hate school yet. It’s your first day. 6 7 (ERMA shuts the door.) 8 Welcome to my mornings. Breakfast made me wonder 9 why I take pride in cooking, if they don’t take pride in 10 eating? 11 12 Children are the most suspicious diners in the world. 13 How can a child eat yellow snow, kiss the dog on the 14 lips, chew gum that he found in the ashtray…and 15 refuse to drink from a glass his brother just used? 16 Although one child did learn something this morning. 17 If he wants an extra pancake, just cough on his sister’s 18 plate. 19 How did I end up in suburbia? It seems like ancient 20 history now. 21 22 (Newsreel music: World War II march music in the 23 style of “The Caisson Song.”]) 24 Rosie the Riveter gives up her factory job to a returning 25 G.I. and soon answers to a new name: “Mom.” This 26 Mom was part of the biggest, boomiest boom in history. 27 And just where does our little Rosie settle down? 28 29 (ERMA puts on pop-bead pearls and a frilly apron 30 from the laundry basket.) 31 In our nation’s newest community, Cherrywood Acres 32 in good old Dayton, Ohio. Split level ranches come 33 complete with timesaving appliances. And there’s 34 plenty of room for that station wagon in the garage. 35 Boy, America’s moms truly have it all – a carefree life far 36 from the stress and crowds of the big city. 37 (Sound: Harp glissando – as often used in cheesy 38 ’50s television jingles.) 39

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1 (ERMA dances along as she sings this advertising 2 jingle.) 3 ERMA. 4 WHAT A DREAM OF A KITCHEN FOR YOU 5 WHAT A DREAM OF EASY LIVING THAT’S NEW. 6 AND WHAT MAKES IT GREATER, 7 IT’S ALL WARDINATOR, SO MODERN, SO USEFUL, SO YOU.” 8 9 (Sound: Harp glissando.) 10 (ERMA holds her last dance pose as the harp 11 glissando plays.) 12 ERMA. (Ironically.) This was me in my house, all the time. 13 14 (ERMA takes a magazine, Better Housekeeping, 15 circa 1964, from the table by the easy chair. The 16 cover features a model housewife wearing an apron 17 and a frozen smile. ERMA shows the audience the 18 cover and mimics the smile. She vacuums, teetering 19 on the heels and looking to the model housewife for 20 approval. She trips over something on the floor.) 21 (Sound: Crunching of Army men being vacuumed 22 up.) 23 24 (ERMA turns off the vacuum.) 25 (In model housewife’s voice.) 26 27 (Patronizing.) It often works best if you pick up the 28 Army men first. 29 (ERMA gets down on her knees and picks up Army 30 men.) 31 32 Whatever doesn’t kill you now, comes back a few days 33 later and tries again. 34 (ERMA continue vacuuming and then suddenly 35 stops in horror.) 36 37 (To the model housewife.) Oops! I almost sucked up one 38 of the hamsters. He must be trying to escape the boys’ 39 room to cleaner air. (Pause.) There he goes!

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(To audience.) I bet she never passes varicose veins off 1 as textured stockings. Or thaws pork chops by putting 2 one under each armpit? She spends her time lecturing 3 us with fashion do’s and don’ts, rules for entertaining 4 and beauty hints written like they are a matter of life 5 and death. 6 Add them all up and you’ve got dozens of ways to be 7 considered a failure. 8 9 In my house, I didn’t worry about perfection. For 10 Halloween, I’d put the cat on my son’s head and send 11 him out as Davy Crockett. Or dot my daughter’s face 12 with lipstick and call her a contagious child. 13 There are very few women like that, but you wouldn’t 14 know it from reading magazines, watching television or 15 going to the movies. 16 There was one in our neighborhood. When her kids 17 played at our house, they wrote thank you notes for a 18 drink out of the garden hose. 19 20 But on the other hand, “Mrs. Perfection” and her kids 21 didn’t communicate. I speak fluent child: 22 If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to 23 freeze that way. 24 Put your sweater on. Don’t you think I know when 25 you’re cold? 26 27 When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come 28 running to me. 29 (ERMA points to the cover with the model 30 housewife.) 31 32 Those magazines never answer the real questions, such 33 as: Is it better to put your groceries away after each visit 34 to the store or do what we do, and eat them directly 35 from the car? 36 And those endless stories on dieting! I have been on 37 a diet for 20 years. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. 38 I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. 39

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1 (ERMA takes off her apron and pearls.) 2 I did try exercising for a while. The other women in the 3 class were so thin that buzzards followed them to their 4 cars. Every day I’d groan, stretch, sweat and strain until 5 I thought I was going to die. But once I got those tights 6 on, it got better. 7 8 (ERMA takes off her high heels.) 9 The only plus about exercise was that I got to hear 10 heavy breathing again. 11 12 I was a willing prisoner. Signed up young. I didn’t want 13 to be the older mom, the one fighting her kid for the 14 baby food – or spanking my toddler for coloring on my 15 Social Security check. 16 (ERMA sets up the ironing board and iron.) 17 I was kinda hoping that over the years, we’d be able 18 to figure out the mom thing. You know, the seesaw 19 between work and home. But on that front, nothing 20 seems to have changed. 21 22 You don’t mind if I do two things at once, do you? 23 Force of habit. 24 How did I find time to write? 25 (ERMA thinks of something and gets a notebook 26 from the headboard.) 27 28 (She takes a pen out of her purse. It doesn’t work 29 and she uses a lipstick from her purse.) 30 31 (As she writes.) “Motherhood is the world’s second oldest 32 profession, but unlike the first, there’s no money in it.” 33 (To audience.) 34 There are some similarities. Almost everything you do 35 is behind closed doors and no one knows what you 36 do or how you do it. I loved being a mom, but to the 37 outside world, I was simply a housewife. Housewife, 38 what a concept, a woman married to a house. 39

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But I liked being here when the kids got home, and 1 trying to cook a mediocre dinner that was ready when 2 Bill walked through the door. You know, a stable, well- 3 organized life. For them, at least. I didn’t need to sleep. 4 I did, however, need to iron. At least the parts that were 5 going to show. 6 (ERMA irons Bill’s shirt.) 7 8 My husband and I had both worked in a newsroom, but 9 after we got married, he’d read me the daily paper: the 10 current weather in Nome, Alaska, what Dear Abby said 11 to the woman whose husband dressed in the closet, 12 the high school basketball scores, why South bid seven 13 hearts, and what Lucy did to Charlie Brown. It was 14 obvious. I couldn’t read a newspaper by myself. 15 Every day, my family returned from the outside world, 16 threw open the door, looked me straight in the eye and 17 asked, “Is anyone home?” 18 19 If life is a bowl of cherries, what was I doing in the pits? 20 Yes, I signed up for this life sentence. But at least a lifer 21 gets a parole hearing every few years and the hope of 22 a pardon. 23 The whole thing was – and is – ridiculous. If you can’t 24 make it better, you had better laugh at it. 25 26 And if you can laugh at it, you can live with it. 27 Housewives have important things to say, but there’s 28 usually no one to talk to but the tropical fish. 29 (Sound: Doorbell.) 30 31 (Beat.) And a certain variety of shark. 32 (ERMA opens the front door to an unseen man.) 33 34 Hello. 35 (To the audience.) 36 Biff Blanchard. Casualty Mutual. 37 38 (To Biff.) 39

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1 No, I don’t think we went to school together. Not unless 2 you wore a plaid jumper and knee socks. 3 (Pause.) It was an all-girls school. 4 5 Sure, go ahead and call me Edna. Many people do. 6 The “warm circle of insurance protection?” 7 I’m sure your polls are right, Biff, but I haven’t trusted 8 polls since I read that 62 percent of women had affairs 9 during their lunch hour. 10 11 (ERMA shuts the door.) 12 I’ve never met a woman who would give up lunch for 13 sex. 14 (Thoughtfully, thinking about Biff Blanchard’s words.) 15 Where would you be if something happened to the 16 mister? 17 18 My dad died when I was nine years old. Here’s what 19 happens. You take all your clothes out of your drawers. 20 Men take all the dressers and tables away. Even your 21 beds go back to the store where your dad bought them. 22 Then, they drive his car away. 23 (ERMA returns to the ironing board.) 24 25 My mom was only twenty-five years old. She had me 26 when she was sixteen. So we moved back in with her 27 parents. I got dumped on aunts and uncles a lot. It was 28 nothing for me to be at the local tavern with them til 29 midnight. 30 We adapted. We coped. 31 It was the Great Depression. Mom put on overalls and 32 worked in a factory, wrapping copper around engines. 33 We shared her old bedroom. There wasn’t room for my 34 half-sister – my best friend – and she had to go live with 35 far away relatives. I didn’t see her again for seven years. 36 We used to tap dance together. 37 38 When I was in kindergarten, I had a job tap dancing 39 on the radio. The Kiddie Review show. Tap dancing in

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the 1930s was so popular – thank you, Shirley Temple – 1 that people all across America turned on their radios 2 just to hear that sound. I got paid $2 a week and that 3 $2 mattered. 4 And I kept tap dancing all my life. 5 6 It was up to me to find new friends. They were much 7 older, and they made me laugh. Mark Twain. Dorothy 8 Parker. Robert Benchley. 9 They taught me that if you’re living with sadness, at 10 least you can escape by writing. I started writing early, 11 and by the time I was fifteen, I had my first job at the 12 Journal Herald in Dayton. Obituaries. It may not sound 13 like much, but as my mother told our neighbor, “You 14 try to get all those people to die in alphabetical order.” 15 Eventually, I got my own beat: Compiling household 16 hints for a column called Operation… Dustrag. Which 17 was strange, because my idea of housework is to sweep 18 the room with a glance. 19 20 “To revive chintz, simply add a small amount of paraffin 21 to a clear starch. Then, iron your chintz on the right 22 side so it will have a glaze.” 23 One horrified woman wrote me that if her curtains had 24 wicks they would have burned right through Advent. 25 To this day, homemakers are still trying to salvage bits 26 and pieces of the damage I caused. 27 Truth is, it’s hard to find humor in household hints. 28 Not that I didn’t try. I once wrote: “If you want to get 29 rid of stinking odors in your kitchen, just stop cooking.” 30 But writing about household hints was a dead end. 31 32 Much more daring was honestly describing a typical 33 day for a housewife. No one had the courage to write 34 that. 35 You see, women in the 1960s were not admitting 36 certain things to themselves. Your life was to serve your 37 husband and your kids and you better not forget it. 38 Point out the flaws, you got branded as a substandard 39

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1 wife and mother. Like most of us, I was willing to 2 conform. 3 I had been hiding my hopes and dreams in the back of 4 my mind. It was the only safe place in the house. 5 6 From time to time, I got them out and played with 7 them. Reveal them to others? No, they were too fragile. 8 When my youngest started kindergarten, I was thirty- 9 seven years old and my excuse for everything had just 10 gotten on the school bus. 11 I began to dream about a column that used humor to 12 tell the truth about my life. 13 14 Writing a column was what I could do. I was too old for 15 a paper route, too young for Social Security and too 16 tired for an affair. 17 Besides, Bill and I couldn’t support three children 18 with two overbites on one high school teacher’s salary. 19 Several of my friends also decided to get paying jobs. 20 A few did it for the money. Most because they needed 21 the rest. 22 I took my idea to our local weekly. Guess what? The 23 editor bought it. Three dollars a column, don’t spend 24 it all in one place. My beat started at the crabgrass in 25 the front yard and ended at the back porch. 26 27 (ERMA puts the iron away.) 28 I had no particular words of wisdom, just common 29 sense advice like: “Never trust a doctor whose office 30 plants have died.” 31 Mostly, my column asked questions. Why is motherhood 32 called the most important job in the world, if no one 33 wants to know how it’s done? I also wondered why 34 there was a rectal thermometer in the cookie jar, but I 35 tried to stay focused on bigger things. 36 37 I got myself an office, also known as our bedroom. 38 (ERMA locates a portable typewriter under the bed.) 39

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(She puts the typewriter on the ironing board.) 1 2 A room of one’s own. 3 It’s a miracle I became a writer at all. By the time I was 4 in my teens, I had a new step-dad, and he and Mom 5 decided college wasn’t for me. Neither of them had 6 graduated from high school so they didn’t see the 7 use. Their plan was for me to work as a secretary until 8 I could find a husband. Mom never thought writing 9 could be a career. 10 (ERMA throws the carriage return.) 11 12 (Sound: Ding!) 13 Such a beautiful sound. 14 15 (Sound: Children bounding up stairs, yelling and 16 laughing. All talk at once. Children’s voices sound 17 like a cacophony with a rare single line heard.) 18 They’re back. 19 20 (ERMA types quickly.)i 21 (Reads.) “If the Virgin Mary had lived on our block, we 22 would have said ‘Of course she has time to go to the 23 dentist. She only has one kid.’” 24 (ERMA listens with her head cocked.) 25 26 (To the door.) One at a time, please! 27 The hamster accidentally FELL in the toilet? 28 29 You used the glass thingy from the punch bowl? 30 And it broke? 31 (To the audience.) 32 33 Perfect. Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from 34 your kids. 35 (Sound: Flush.) 36 CHILDREN. (Voiceover.) Mom! 37 38 39

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1 ERMA. Emergencies do arise, no doubt about it, but some 2 guidelines must be established. 3 (To the door.) Before you bother me while I’m working, 4 ask yourself: Will Mom carry out her threat to move to 5 another city and change her name? 6 7 Now, here are the rules for the rest of the afternoon: If 8 there is blood to report, consider these questions. Is it 9 yours? Your brother’s? Is there a lot or a little? Is it on 10 the sofa that is not Scotch-guarded? 11 Now go watch TV! 12 (To audience.) 13 14 God bless television. You put your kids in front of it and 15 it’s like hypnotizing chickens. All of our kids could sing 16 beer commercials before their eyes could focus. 17 Since our children mothered every animal they could 18 trap in a Mason jar, we attended a pet funeral nearly 19 every week of our lives. There was a small lizard who 20 lived in a terrarium on the back of the toilet, whom 21 I suspected died of ‘flush anxiety.’ We put to rest a 22 pet beetle. Had there been an autopsy, it would have 23 revealed half of our shag carpet. 24 The most poignant services were the ones conducted 25 for deceased guppies at the toilet bowl. We’d all stand 26 around the rim staring into the water and I’d ask if the 27 little guy had a name. They always did. 28 29 Then I would ask each child to say something 30 appropriate and nice about the fish. Sentiments came 31 to mind like, ‘I’m sorry I fed you pizza, Ethel.’ ‘Ethel 32 never bit anyone.’ ‘Ethel didn’t smell until last night.’ 33 Parents bear some blame. We allow animals to join 34 our families. We do this to teach children about love, 35 responsibility and even grief. My friend lost a beloved 36 pet and felt duty-bound to explain the life and death 37 cycle to her 5-year-old daughter. “Honey, we can all be 38 happy now that Frisky is up in heaven with God.” Her 39

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daughter replied with no emotion, “Mom! What’s God 1 going to do with a dead dog?” 2 (ERMA goes back to the typewriter.) 3 4 Ohio University didn’t think I had much writing 5 talent and Mom and step-dad hoped I’d give it up, but 6 I decided to try again. 7 This time, at the Catholic school, the University of 8 Dayton, I heard those three little words I longed to 9 hear. “You. Can. Write.” Now, I’m not saying that was 10 the only reason I converted to Catholicism and started 11 eating fish on Fridays, but those three words were my 12 green light. 13 14 During a school break, the Dayton Herald hired me. 15 I was in heaven – surrounded by real writers. Then, 16 copy girl met copy boy. Bill Bombeck also worked at 17 the paper. 18 The next thing I knew I was wearing an oversized 19 wedding dress that I bought on sale. And my mom was 20 smelling like the baked ham she cooked to take to the 21 reception. 22 That was our last good meal for a while. Turned out 23 I was a terrible cook. Almost immediately, Bill told me 24 he wanted to exchange some of our wedding gifts for 25 something useful: a vending machine. The one thing 26 he didn’t want to return was our smoke alarm. It told 27 him when our dinner was ready. 28 29 When our kids misbehave, I tell them if they don’t 30 shape up, I am going to put them to bed with supper. 31 (Sound: Knocking at the door.) 32 (A note slides under the door.) 33 34 (Reads the note.) “Can we have $1.50 to go to 35 McDonald’s?” 36 (To audience.) 37 38 Most children’s first words are Ma-Ma or Da-Da. Ours 39 were, “Do I have to use my own money?” And, like all

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1 children, they drove us crazy to buy things they saw on 2 TV. In fact, our kids wouldn’t eat anything they hadn’t 3 seen dance on a screen. 4 (Sound: Children pounding on the door.) 5 6 I know! You’re waiting. McDonald’s isn’t going 7 anywhere. 8 (ERMA smiles guiltily. She finds a dollar in her 9 pocket, and searches through the pockets of clothes 10 in the laundry basket for spare change. She counts 11 coins in her hand. She’s short. She pulls a pair of 12 penny loafers from under the bed and removes the 13 dimes. She slides the money under the door.) 14 15 (Sarcastically.) Thank you, Mom! 16 Sometimes I wonder if children are like waffles. Should 17 the first one be used to season the grill and then tossed 18 out? The misshapen, the one with hard edges, the one 19 that falls apart…they are all miracles. 20 I think every mother has a favorite child. She cannot 21 help it. I have one – although right now, I’m not sure 22 any of mine are on the list. 23 24 My favorite child is the one who was too sick to eat 25 the ice cream at his birthday party, had measles at 26 Christmas and wore leg braces to bed because his feet 27 toed in. 28 My favorite child is the one who screwed up the piano 29 recital, misspelled ‘committee’ in a spelling bee, ran 30 the wrong way with the football and had his bike stolen 31 because he was careless. 32 My favorite child said dumb things for which there 33 were no excuses. 34 35 She was selfish, immature, bad-tempered and self- 36 centered. She was vulnerable, lonely, unsure of what 37 she was doing in this world. 38 39

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The favorite child is always the same one, the one who 1 needs you at the moment for whatever reason – to cling 2 to, to shout at, to hug – but mostly, to be there. 3 When I started writing, I thought it was just my life that 4 was zany. After the first columns ran, everyone on the 5 block confessed it was their lives, too. 6 7 Then my old paper stole me away with fifty bucks a 8 pop. I called the new column At Wit’s End. 9 (Sound: Ringing phone.) 10 11 (ERMA answers the phone.) 12 Hello? Yes, uh huh. Yes, I could do three columns a 13 week. What? Really? Thirty-six papers? Are you serious? 14 (Long pause.) Sorry, I’m just a little speechless for once. 15 O.K., yes. Thank you. Thank you. 16 (ERMA hangs up. She dials the phone.) 17 18 Bill, I just got a call from Newsday. The people there 19 want to sell my columns to papers around the country! 20 They think it could run in – are you sitting down? – 21 thirty-six papers. Thirty-six. You can quit painting 22 houses in the summer. And I’ll be At Wit’s End three 23 times a week. 24 (ERMA hangs up.) 25 26 I thought that weaving a career into the fabric of a 27 traditional family would throw five lives into upheaval. 28 It didn’t cause so much as a ripple. I started writing at 29 8:30 a.m. and I closed up shop in time to make dinner. 30 No one noticed the dynamo racing through the house 31 faster than aspirin through the bloodstream, able to 32 leap over three kids to get dinner to the table. They 33 didn’t have a clue that the mild-mannered woman who 34 sewed in name tags at midnight, by day wrote columns 35 and books, never missing a deadline. When one of our 36 children was asked at school what I did, he said I was a 37 syndicated Communist. 38 39

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1 I think so much comes down to the kind of marriage 2 you have. No matter how many fans I had across the 3 country, there was always Bill to keep me grounded. He 4 kept teaching, didn’t manage my career and stayed his 5 frugal self. Heaven forbid we should throw something 6 out. Or waste electricity. 7 Our guests saw him turn off the porch light before they 8 reached their cars in the driveway. By his description, 9 our house was lit up like a pleasure boat cruising the 10 Potomac. My friends actually didn’t know his first 11 name. They only heard me refer to him as The Prince 12 of Darkness. 13 14 (ERMA puts on Bill’s shirt.) 15 His tours through the house every evening became 16 legendary. “Who’s in the kitchen?” Click. “Who’s in the 17 hall closet?” Click. “Who’s in the bedroom?” Click. 18 Then we would wait for his dramatic tally. “I have just 19 turned off thirteen lights.” 20 21 That speech was not his only long-running performance. 22 Bill had dinner-table lectures that became as familiar to 23 us as the Pledge of Allegiance. 24 Why Don’t You Want Your Father to Have a Lawn? 25 Two minutes, fifty-five seconds. This was a real heart- 26 tugger in which Dad recaps his failure to triumph over 27 bikes, sleds, plastic pools, football games, cars, wagons, 28 dogs and all the little perverts who cut across his lawn 29 just to make him paranoid. 30 31 I’m Paying You Kids an Allowance to Breathe. 32 Three minutes, eighteen seconds. This was a group 33 participation lecture. 34 “Do you know how much money I made when I was a 35 child?” 36 “Five cents a month.” 37 38 “Five cents a month,” he said as if he hadn’t heard 39 them.

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“And do you know how old I was when I got my first 1 car?” 2 “Twenty-three years old.” 3 4 “Twenty-three years old and I bought it myself. And 5 do you have any idea how much I had to buy with five 6 cents a month?” 7 “You had to buy all your own clothes, books, tuition, 8 rent and pay for your entertainment.” 9 “I do you know what I did for entertainment?” 10 11 “You changed your underwear?” 12 “Hey, don’t ad lib.” 13 Thank goodness Bill was always a good sport about me 14 making jokes. I once told my readers, “God created 15 man. I could have done better.” 16 17 (ERMA takes off Bill’s shirt.) 18 I got lucky, because really, women shop for a bathing 19 suit with more care than they do for a husband. The 20 rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel 21 comfortable with. Allow for room to grow. 22 23 For all those years, my wedding ring did its job. It led 24 me not into temptation. It was a status symbol in the 25 maternity ward. It was a source of relief to a dinner 26 companion. And it reminded my husband many times 27 at parties that it was time to go home. 28 I could never explain how our marriage worked. 29 Neither could most of our friends. We took vacations 30 together and we took them separately. It all came 31 down to trust. I couldn’t light the water heater and he 32 needed me to send out the Christmas cards, so we were 33 pretty secure. 34 When I last checked, we were members in good 35 standing of your average screwed-up family. And I was 36 happy to own up to it. 37 38 39

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1 I wasn’t one of those women who pretend that being a 2 wife and mother is simple if you only try hard enough. 3 It wasn’t easy. Any parent who has been on a trip with 4 a child who kicks the seat for fifty miles and throws 5 his shoes out the window has definitely considered 6 abandoning him at the next Shell station. 7 Not all readers liked my honesty. I started getting a few 8 angry letters. “Why did you have children?” … “You’re 9 a terrible mother!” … “I feel sorry for your family!” 10 11 I assure you there was love in every line I wrote. 12 There is something I want to share with you. It’s a letter 13 I received from a mother in prison. 14 (ERMA looks in the headboard and finds an oft- 15 folded letter.) 16 17 (Reads.) “Dear Erma Bombeck: You may not want to 18 hear from the likes of me. I am serving a life sentence 19 for killing my own child. I have read all of your columns 20 in our library, several times. Had I known mothers 21 could laugh at these things, I probably wouldn’t be 22 where I am today.” 23 (ERMA returns the letter.) 24 25 I keep this letter to remind me that there is a thin line 26 that separates laughter and pain. 27 I kept plugging away at the column, trying not to 28 whitewash motherhood. God knows women didn’t 29 need any more guilt. If there is a bent fork mutilated 30 by the disposal, we take it. If we fry an egg and the yolk 31 breaks, we know it’s ours. We give the lean ham to our 32 husbands, the front seat to our mothers, the last piece 33 of pizza to our children. 34 It is a small wonder our offspring became the “me” 35 generation. They were stigmatized by a martyred 36 mother who cut her own hair but paid $60 an hour for 37 her daughter to learn how to throw a baton and break 38 every lamp in the house. 39

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There is going to be a time that your kids say to you – 1 “You don’t love me!” When your kids are old enough to 2 understand the logic that motivates a parent, you need 3 to tell them this: 4 I love you enough to insist you buy a bike with your 5 own money, even though we can afford it. 6 7 I love you enough to stand over you for two hours while 8 you clean your bedroom, a job that would have taken 9 me 15 minutes. 10 I love you enough to accept you for what you are, not 11 what I want you to be. 12 But most of all, I love you enough to say no when you 13 hate me for it. 14 15 You can’t shield your kids from tough times. And, really, 16 when tough times hit, kids can be pretty remarkable. 17 I was asked to write an inspirational book about 18 children fighting cancer. I wondered if an optimistic 19 book on cancer was possible. 20 I had always thought there are some subjects you just 21 don’t poke fun at. I was wrong. These kids had contests 22 to see who could go the longest without upchucking 23 after chemo. And one four-year-old confided in me, 24 ‘These people don’t know what they’re doing. They 25 put blood in me one day and take it out the next.’ 26 27 Right after the book came out – irony of ironies – I had 28 my own cancer scare. The night before my surgery, I 29 stood in front of a mirror and just stared at myself. Hey, 30 two breasts aren’t something I listed on my resume, for 31 crying out loud. They’re just a part of my anatomy that 32 supports a name tag. 33 As I was leaving the hospital, a well-intentioned nurse 34 handed me an envelope. (Whispering.) “Just slip this 35 into your bra and you’ll feel more balanced.” As Bill 36 drove me home, I opened the envelope. A small wad of 37 38 39

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1 cotton fell out. “My God! I’ve got dust balls under my 2 bed bigger than this.” 3 I did need a few more hours without interruptions, so 4 I started interviewing household help. But guess what? 5 No one wanted to be paid for what I had been doing 6 for free. 7 8 (Sound: Phone ringing.) 9 (ERMA moves to the bedroom and answers the 10 phone.) 11 12 Hello? Oh hi, Charmaine. 13 (To audience.) 14 This call from my neighbor changed my life. 15 16 (Into phone.) A lecture at the library? Sign me up. I’d go 17 to a lecture on the history of the paper clip just to get 18 out of the house. Betty Friedan? Never heard of her. 19 (ERMA hangs up the phone. She takes the chair 20 from the table, and drags it to the front of the stage. 21 BETTY FRIEDAN’s voiceover runs as ERMA moves.) 22 BETTY FRIEDAN. (Voiceover.) It is a strange stirring, a sense of 23 dissatisfaction, a longing that women are suffering now. 24 Each housewife struggles with it alone. As she makes 25 the beds and shops for groceries, she is afraid to ask 26 even of herself the silent question - ’Is this all’? 27 28 ERMA. (To audience.) Look at this library, it’s full of women. 29 Many of my neighbors are here. 30 (ERMA sits and looks up expectantly at a speaker.) 31 BETTY FRIEDAN. (Voiceover.) Telling bored, trapped, 32 desperate, empty women that ‘we’re all in this 33 together’ is not a joke. Those housewife humorists who 34 pretend it is are wrong. This is not funny! They revel 35 in a comic world of children’s pranks and eccentric 36 washing machines and parents’ night at the PTA. 37 There is something about these writers that reminds 38 me of Uncle Tom or Amos and Andy. 39

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ERMA. Betty Friedan made me mad. 1 (ERMA drags the chair back to the kitchen.) 2 3 She shouted at us, “You are not using your God given 4 abilities to their potential.” She told us to erase forever 5 the words, “just a housewife.” I had a husband and 6 three kids whom I loved. What was I supposed to do? 7 Walk out? Join the circus? The next day, I bought The 8 Feminine Mystique and read it cover to cover. 9 That book hit part of me I didn’t even know was there. 10 11 Betty Friedan’s words were ringing in my head. A week 12 later, I found myself looking at an obituary in our local 13 paper. My neighbor had died and the entire article was 14 about her husband’s and sons’ accomplishments. 15 Have you noticed that if women make it into a news 16 photograph, half the time they aren’t identified? 17 No explanation – they just happen to be standing near 18 some important man. 19 20 Betty Friedan had counted on an anger among women 21 in her Midwestern audience that did not yet exist. We 22 didn’t realize it, but in those few hours, we had all 23 been impregnated with the seeds of a movement of 24 monumental proportions…one that would grow inside 25 us and affect us all of our lives whether we embraced it 26 or not. 27 When the fights over the Equal Rights Amendment 28 started heating up, I was busy writing the column and 29 driving the kids around. 30 The E.R.A. is only 16 words – “Equality of rights under 31 the law shall not be denied or abridged on account of 32 sex.” It’s astonishing that this concept isn’t part of our 33 nation’s Constitution. I don’t think any woman should 34 go to her grave thinking E.R.A. stands for Earned Run 35 Average. 36 37 I volunteered to go on the road with Liz Carpenter, 38 who was the head of E.R.A. America. We were great, 39 good friends, and we traveled together for two years,

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1 gathering wherever women gather – at beauty parlors 2 and senior centers in states that hadn’t ratified the 3 amendment. 4 We spent time strategizing with Gloria Steinem and 5 Bella Abzug. Did you know that Gloria, Bella and I all 6 lost our fathers very early in life? We all saw what our 7 mothers went through. My mom got paid less in the 8 factory than the man working right next to her. Gloria 9 said most women are just one man away from welfare. 10 11 I traveled on my own dime – it was my contribution 12 to the cause – and I continued to keep up with my 13 column three times a week. 14 My job was reasonably straightforward. It was to tell 15 Americans that those 16 words simply meant “equality.” 16 When I was being flip, I told people “we’ve got to get 17 sex out of the gutter and back into the Constitution 18 where it belongs.” 19 On the road, it often got interesting during our 20 question and answer times. 21 22 (ERMA moves downstage.) 23 FEMALE QUESTIONER. (Voiceover.) Mrs. Bombeck, are you 24 sure the E.R.A. won’t wipe out any and all distinctions 25 between men and women? What about unisex 26 bathrooms? 27 ERMA. It won’t. The only thing women have to fear from 28 unisex bathrooms is that we will still be the ones 29 cleaning them. 30 MALE QUESTIONER. (Voiceover.) Everyone knows your E.R.A. 31 has a secret agenda and that’s to destroy marriage and 32 the American family. Why don’t you mention that? 33 ERMA. Sorry but that’s as phony as that comb-over. Next?! 34 35 MALE QUESTIONER WITH A SOUTHERN ACCENT. (Voiceover.) 36 As our state’s lieutenant governor, I’m pleased you 37 are visiting our state and all, but Mrs. Bombeck, if you 38 don’t mind some unsolicited advice, why don’t you just 39 stay home and have babies?

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ERMA. Well, sir, I did. And my babies now are old enough 1 to vote against you. 2 (Sound: Applause.) 3 4 (ERMA walks back to the bedroom.) 5 One of my proudest moments was being appointed by 6 President Carter to the National Advisory Committee 7 for Women. It was a truly ground-breaking committee. 8 9 The President was asking us how to make things better 10 for women in America. 11 Bella Abzug led the committee. 12 We gave our recommendations…and they shut us 13 down. 14 15 When a draft of the report leaked out, Bella got fired. 16 Most of us resigned in protest. It was called the Friday 17 Afternoon Massacre. 18 And now, all these years later, many women still spend 19 most of their paycheck on childcare. 20 While ordinary women were being clobbered by 21 Washington, I was setting the record for the most 22 widely distributed column in America. 23 24 Nine hundred newspapers! Who would have thought 25 that writing about being a stay-at-home mom would 26 have struck such a chord. The key to my writing is that 27 I’m ordinary. 28 Everyone thinks of ordinary as some kind of skin 29 disease. Face it. Most of us are not remarkable. We are 30 not going to go to the moon. We’re lucky to find the 31 keys to our car in the morning. 32 I may never have won a Pulitzer, but I get top billing on 33 kitchen refrigerators coast to coast. 34 35 (ERMA picks up the books on the shelf that is part 36 of the bed’s headboard.) 37 38 39

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1 Aha! Economics: I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal 2 Depression. 3 Ecology: The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank. 4 5 Sociology: All I Know About Animal Behavior I Learned in 6 the Loehmann’s Dressing Room. 7 Travel: When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It’s Time 8 to Go Home. 9 Like most families, we fought the battles of the 70s at 10 the dinner table. There were endless fights over hair 11 length and short skirts. Bill was upset over a different 12 kind of grass. All our kids considered employment a 13 fad. Like mood rings. One kid spent so long in college, 14 ivy grew up one leg. 15 16 It took a long time for our kids to find their own 17 homes. Bill took to wearing a T-shirt that said: HOW 18 CAN I SAY GOODBYE WHEN YOU WON’T LEAVE? 19 As our silver wedding anniversary approached, I had 20 visualized a dazzling gala with a large white tent and 21 six-piece orchestra. 22 Several hundred guests would look on as Bill and 23 I exchanged diamond tennis bracelets. 24 (ERMA walks to the kitchen.) 25 26 The reality was our kids threw a few hamburgers and 27 hot dogs on the grill, scarfed them down and split, 28 leaving Bill and me to clean up. 29 As much as I complained in print about staying home 30 with the children, I loved it. If only I could have those 31 kids back and re-live the year my youngest gave me a 32 tattered picture of two hands folded in prayer. On it, 33 he had crayoned this moving message: “Oh Come Holy 34 Spit!” 35 Or that Mother’s Day I got a shoebox that contained a 36 baseball card and the gum was still with it. 37 38 39

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The years of hands traced in plaster of Paris…the 1 Christmas presents out of toothpicks and library 2 paste… They’re gone. 3 (ERMA walks to the bedroom and goes to the 4 typewriter. She types and talks.) 5 6 No more plastic tablecloths stained with spaghetti. 7 No more bedspreads to protect the sofa from damp 8 bottoms. No more gates to stumble over at the top of 9 the basement steps. 10 You’ll straighten up the boys’ bedroom, neat and tidy: 11 bumper stickers discarded, bedspreads tucked and 12 smooth. Animals caged. You’ll say out loud: “Now 13 I want it to stay this way.” And it will. 14 15 (ERMA ends typing.) 16 No more anxious nights with a child under a vaporizer 17 tent. No more sloppy oatmeal kisses. No knees to heal, 18 no responsibility. Only a voice crying, “Why don’t 19 you grow up and act your age?” And then the silence 20 echoing, “I did.” 21 When I couldn’t write about driver’s ed and teenaged 22 angst anymore, I thought maybe I should retire. 23 24 Instead, my husband and I decided to build a house. 25 We argued over tiles, the water heater…even the 26 closets. 27 Bill wanted a skylight over the shower. I could just 28 visualize American Airlines flying low to give passengers 29 a peek at my body. 30 And, we traveled. Vacations always sound so great on 31 paper. The truth is, they are hard work. Bill is the kind 32 of man who goes to the Grand Canyon and insists on 33 stopping the car and getting out to take a picture, 34 instead of rolling the car window down like everyone 35 else. 36 37 When you get home, the important thing is to set 38 fire to the contents of your suitcase. To me, a travel 39

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1 wardrobe has the same symbolism as maternity clothes. 2 Get rid of them and you never have to go through the 3 experience again. 4 I know it will only be a matter of time before Bill’s beard 5 is white fuzz, I grow a mustache and we’re wearing 6 matching glasses. No one will be able to tell us apart. 7 8 Not that I thought Bill and I would go through life like 9 matched luggage. The only thing I had ever hoped for 10 was that we would hate the same people together and 11 deteriorate at the same pace. 12 I believe that a serious illness is a marriage’s unspoken 13 fear. But the chances of a couple staying healthy 14 together and dying at the same time are Las Vegas 15 odds. 16 I had been diagnosed with kidney disease in my 20s. 17 Inherited from my dad. It wasn’t an issue, really, for 40 18 years. When it got worse, I worked darn hard not to 19 make my treatment an issue. 20 21 In-home dialysis four times each day simply became 22 part of my schedule. So the clock ticked a little faster 23 for me. 24 The big surprise was that I was the first to stumble. It 25 should have been the other way around. Insurance 26 charts all but assured me that Bill’s sell-by date would 27 come first. But that didn’t happen, Biff Blanchard. 28 (Sound: Breaking news intro “We interrupt 29 this regularly scheduled program for this special 30 report.”) 31 32 TV ANNOUNCER. (Voiceover.) This breaking news: The 33 Equal Rights Amendment went down to defeat today, 34 three states short of the 38 needed to change the U.S. 35 Constitution. Supporters of the amendment claim that 36 anti-E.R.A. forces played on the same fears that had 37 generated opposition to women’s suffrage in 1919. 38 ERMA. Congress had given us seven years to persuade a 39 majority of states to pass this amendment. Thirty-five

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states did…but we needed three more. We almost 1 changed the Constitution. 2 I wish they could have put this on my tombstone: “She 3 got Missouri for the E.R.A.” 4 5 When Alice Paul wrote that original Amendment in 6 1923, she said each of us picks up a little stone and 7 eventually you build a great mosaic. 8 (ERMA gestures toward her left, pointing outside 9 the building.) 10 11 At the United States Capitol, the Equal Rights 12 Amendment is reintroduced every year. It’s a ritual. 13 Women lawmakers make sure it’s the first bill in the 14 hopper. And every year, nothing happens. 15 People wondered why, with all my success, I still kept 16 up the column, the speech giving, the book writing? It 17 wasn’t for the money. Not a chance. 18 The truth is, I wrote all those years for me, and for the 19 other mothers standing on their tiptoes in the back 20 of the room, waving their hands to be recognized. 21 I recognized them. It turned out that was my God-given 22 talent, valuing what the rest of the world seemed to 23 take for granted. I wrote for the moms, missing at the 24 table, attending to all and maybe hoping for a shred 25 of attention. Good old dependable, old faithful moms, 26 ignored there in the back. 27 28 Even my mom was able to see that, although I suspected 29 she used most of my books as doorstops. 30 If you asked her what was in my books, she was sorta 31 vague. Kind of like when she tried to explain about 32 menopause. 33 When I asked her what it meant, she said “Your baby 34 basket dries up.” 35 36 “Is that the clinical description?” 37 “That’s what it amounts to.” 38 39

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1 Late in life, Mom and I became very close. It took a 2 while for it to hit me that the roles of mother and child 3 had reversed. 4 My mother is the most beautiful woman I have ever 5 seen. The wrinkles in her face have been earned one 6 at a time. 7 8 And her hands. They’re small and veined. You can’t 9 help but be impressed when you see the ring finger has 10 shrunk from years of wearing the same wedding ring. 11 Her naps are as frequent as mine used to be. She 12 already has a sitter for New Year’s Eve. 13 The transition comes slowly. Did it come the rainy 14 afternoon when you were driving and you slammed on 15 your brakes? And your arm sprang between her and 16 the windshield and your eyes met with a knowing look? 17 18 Then, one day while my daughter was driving with 19 me, she slammed on the brakes and her arm flew out, 20 protecting me. 21 The switch had arrived. 22 So soon. 23 24 But that’s what life is about, isn’t it? 25 Who wants to live with regrets? Think of all those 26 women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart. 27 My only regret in life is that I should have eaten more 28 ice cream and less cottage cheese. And I shouldn’t have 29 worried what the dog thought when he saw me get out 30 of the shower. 31 If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and 32 listened more. 33 34 I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the 35 carpet was stained and the sofa faded. 36 Instead of wishing away that nine months of pregnancy, 37 I would have cherished every moment and realized 38 39

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that the wonderment growing inside me was my only 1 chance to assist God in a miracle. 2 When I stood before Him at the end of my life, I didn’t 3 want to have a single bit of energy or talent left. My 4 plan was to wear out, not rust out. 5 6 I looked forward to saying, “I used everything you gave 7 me.” 8 But most of all, given another shot at life, I would seize 9 every minute to make a difference…look at it and 10 really see it…live it…and never give it back. 11 (The lights dim on the living room. ERMA moves to 12 the area with the ethereal lighting and stands there 13 in a pool of light. The light starts to fade but ERMA 14 stops it with her next line.) 15 16 Oh! When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of 17 advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you 18 answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. 19 (The lights again start to fade, but ERMA has 20 another thought, making the light return.) 21 22 And another thing, marriage has no guarantees. If 23 that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. 24 (The lights again start to fade, but ERMA has 25 another thought making the light return.) 26 27 And always remember: Never go to your high school 28 reunion pregnant…or they will think that’s all you 29 have done since graduation. 30 (The light holds too long, and ERMA, smiling, 31 gives the OK sign to go dark.) 32 (Blackout.) 33 34 35 36 End of Play 37 38 39

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