Erma Bombeck: at Wit's

Erma Bombeck: At Wit’s End Allison Engel and Margaret Engel A Samuel French Acting Edition SAMUELFRENCH.COM SAMUELFRENCH-LONDON.CO.UK Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd i Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM Copyright © 2016 by Allison Engel and Margaret Engel All Rights Reserved ERMA BOMBECK: AT WIT’S END is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union. All rights, including professional and amateur stage productions, recitation, lecturing, public reading, motion picture, radio broadcasting, television and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. 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Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd iii Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM ERMA BOMBECK: AT WIT’S END was first produced by Arena Stage in Washington, D.C., on October 9, 2015. The performance was directed by David Esbjornson, with sets by Daniel Conway, costumes by Elizabeth Hope Clancy, lights by Rob Denton, sound by Rob Milburn and Michael Bodeen, and dramaturgy by Jocelyn Clarke. The Stage Manager was Marne Anderson and the Assistant Stage Manager was Rachael Albert. The Associate Director was Anita Maynard-Losh. The cast was as follows: ERMA BOMBECK .............................. Barbara Chisholm Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd iv Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM CHARACTERS ERMA BOMBECK – a dynamo with an easy laugh. SETTING We see her in the Bombeck home in suburban Dayton, Ohio. TIME The present, and various times from 1962 – 1996. Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd v Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd vi Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM 1 2 3 4 PRE-SHOW ANNOUNCER. (Voiceover.) Ladies and gentlemen, 5 thank you for silencing all your electronic devices. 6 [NAME OF THEATER] is pleased to bring back 7 humorist Erma Bombeck. Let’s give her a warm [NAME 8 OF CITY] welcome. 9 10 (As the audience applauds, ERMA BOMBECK 11 enters from the side of the stage in a pool of ethereal 12 light. She wears a shirtwaist dress.) 13 (Sound: Music accompanies the light.) 14 15 (ERMA acknowledges the audience with delight.) 16 (ERMA steps out of the light and enters the playing 17 space, which has a door on either side of the set. 18 The main part of the playing space is a living room 19 with shag carpeting, a bedroom with a double bed 20 and a kitchen with a table and chairs. The bed’s 21 headboard holds ERMA’s books. There is an ironing 22 board, an iron with a ridiculously long cord and a 23 laundry basket filled with clean clothes. There’s a 24 vacuum cleaner, a telephone in the bedroom, and 25 an easy chair and side table in the living room.) 26 27 (Music fades.) 28 ERMA. Oh gosh. It’s really wonderful to be here. 29 30 Looking back, it’s hard to figure out how I got to 31 suburbia. One moment you’re studying for a college 32 degree. Then, boom! You have a baby in your arms. 33 Once you dreamed of being a foreign correspondent. 34 Then, boom! Chef Boyardee is as exotic as it gets. I was 35 blazing a trail all right, but it only led from the laundry 36 room to the sink. 37 38 39 7 Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd 7 Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM 8 ERMA BOMBECK: AT WIT’S END 1 (Sound: Children fighting, yelling, laughing. All 2 talk over each other in a cacophony with a rare 3 single line heard.) 4 (ERMA signals to the audience to wait. She can’t 5 talk right now. She makes her way to the kitchen.) 6 7 (To unseen children.) Sit up straight and eat your breakfast. 8 If your brother stole your fork, use your spoon. 9 Elbows off the table. 10 Please don’t feed the dog. 11 Keep you feet to yourself. 12 Don’t feed the dog. 13 Careful, you’re going to spill. 14 15 I told you not to feed the dog. 16 What are you wearing now? 17 Go upstairs and change. 18 Don’t worry about that tooth, it’s gonna come out 19 sooner or later. 20 It’s time to go. Get your books. 21 Bill, hurry up! The kids are going to be late. 22 23 (To an unseen Bill.) 24 Bill, there’s a first time for everything and it’s yours for 25 driving the carpool. 26 I know, transporting children is your 13th favorite 27 thing, right between eating lunch in a tearoom and 28 dropping a bowling ball on your foot. Just remember, 29 this means you have to bring the car to a complete stop 30 and open the door for them. They are small children, 31 not sacks of mail. 32 (ERMA opens the front door for Bill.) 33 34 (Addressing unseen children.) Your shoes are on the wrong 35 feet. I thought I told you to change. Don’t forget to give 36 your note to the school nurse. Remember, 7 times 8 is 37 56. Do you have your lunches, your coats, your glasses, 38 gym clothes, pens, pencils, milk money and bookbags? 39 Love you all, goodbye. Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd 8 Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM ERMA BOMBECK: AT WIT’S END 9 (ERMA shuts the door. She attempts to speak, but is 1 interrupted by…) 2 3 (Sound: Doorbell.) 4 (ERMA answers the front door.) 5 Yes? What. You can’t hate school yet. It’s your first day. 6 7 (ERMA shuts the door.) 8 Welcome to my mornings. Breakfast made me wonder 9 why I take pride in cooking, if they don’t take pride in 10 eating? 11 12 Children are the most suspicious diners in the world. 13 How can a child eat yellow snow, kiss the dog on the 14 lips, chew gum that he found in the ashtray…and 15 refuse to drink from a glass his brother just used? 16 Although one child did learn something this morning. 17 If he wants an extra pancake, just cough on his sister’s 18 plate. 19 How did I end up in suburbia? It seems like ancient 20 history now. 21 22 (Newsreel music: World War II march music in the 23 style of “The Caisson Song.”]) 24 Rosie the Riveter gives up her factory job to a returning 25 G.I. and soon answers to a new name: “Mom.” This 26 Mom was part of the biggest, boomiest boom in history. 27 And just where does our little Rosie settle down? 28 29 (ERMA puts on pop-bead pearls and a frilly apron 30 from the laundry basket.) 31 In our nation’s newest community, Cherrywood Acres 32 in good old Dayton, Ohio. Split level ranches come 33 complete with timesaving appliances. And there’s 34 plenty of room for that station wagon in the garage.

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