Workbook Week 1

Journey of

Hope

Workbook Week 1

Introduction

The Journey of Hope Workbook was inspired by courageous, obedient, and faithful couples who rose above the devastating effects of becoming disconnected from each other’s hearts or disjointed due to: controlling, and abusive behaviors, infidelity, emotional affairs, or hidden debt in their marriages. These couples are now walking out restored and reconciled marriages. The workbook is written from the collective experiences and wisdom of marriage coaches and Marriage and Family Life staff members who regularly meet with couples and invite them into the healing power of the Holy Spirit. All disconnected or crisis couples need healing of their hearts as well as practical applications that foster restored trust and demonstrating trustworthiness in their relationships.

The processes of reconciliation and restoration requires more than applying new communication and conflict resolution skills or behavioral changes in marriage relationships. Reconciliation and restoration require couples to embrace the following disciplines: 1) Obedience to the scriptures, 2) Faithfulness to their covenant vows, 3) Building community with other couples who have experienced marriage restoration and 4) Submission to each other.

As you begin the process of restoration or reconciliation you will have many questions such as, “Can I ever learn to trust my spouse again? Is there any hope for our marriage? Will I ever be able to truly forgive?” You may feel that your entire life will need to be rebuilt.

We encourage you to ask these questions and take them to the Lord frequently. Ultimately, your healing comes only from God. Fortunately, you are not alone. Many couples have walked out the pathway of healing and restoration before you. The one thing you can always count on is God’s faithfulness, and because He is faithful you can experience hope.

Reconciliation is one of the divine attributes of God. As used in the Bible, reconciliation means to restore the relationships of friends who have become estranged. God has never deviated in his desire to bring each one of us into friendships with himself John 15:14, 15). Even when we were estranged from him, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). Ultimately, God wants you and your spouse to experience friendship with him and with one another. And in the sacrifice of Christ, God has made provisions for both.

The restoration of your marriage does not depend solely upon your resolve alone. Restoration happen as both spouses turn to Christ for healing, confession, forgiveness, repentance, and justice. God does not restore couples to what they had before the crisis. He creates something new through the ministry of reconciliation (2 Cor 5:18). And as you submit to God, you will experience to power of confession, repentance, forgiveness, and extending justice to your spouse. Trust is something that is learned as couples seek God for healing and forgiveness.

Belief, Faith & Trust The Christian faith is based upon God’s love for humankind. The possibility of being loved by the creator of the universe and everything in it is an overwhelming thought. Not only are we loved, but we have been invited into a relationship with the creator who is also known as Heavenly Father. In order for humankind to have a relationship with a transcendent God, he sent his son, Christ Jesus, to the earth as a man who was given all authority in heaven and on earth. All relationships need a beginning. A relationship with God begins as he reveals to us Jesus as his son and our Messiah (Jn. 6:34-65, Rm. 8:28-30). People can study and learn about Jesus from a historical perspective, but miss the reality that He is God and the redeemer of all humankind. Once God reveals the truth about Jesus to someone, they either begin a journey of belief, faith and trust, or a path of disbelief. The words belief, faith and trust are closely connected with each other, yet they are distinct, and have different applications as Christians develop a personal relationship with Jesus. Each of these words begins a life-changing relationship with Jesus. We want you to know that your relationship with Jesus and your marriage will experience the blessings of God’s love and spiritual renewal as you begin the Journey of Hope. God chooses to redeem all of your experiences, good and bad, to form His character in you. Our prayer is that God becomes bigger to you than any trial, trauma or negative circumstance that you are presently experiencing.

Belief Belief is the beginning of our relationship with God. The dictionary defines belief as “a feeling of being sure that someone or something exists, or that something is true” (Webster). Whoever receives the revelations of Christ Jesus and does not grow in this knowledge by reading the Scriptures, becoming a disciple and participating in a faith community may struggle to know how to apply this revelation to their lives. It is as if something is whispered into your heart that you did not have any knowledge of previously.  Belief is knowledge; without knowledge we cannot form a belief in Christ Jesus or a Christian worldview that will influences our lives, attitudes, behaviors, relationships and careers.  God reveals that Jesus is His son and our savior of the world (divine revelation).  Belief starts with the knowledge of Jesus as our personal Savior and Lord.

The context of belief in this teaching is Knowledge.

Christians believe in Jesus. What do you know about Jesus? 4

What does He say?  I am the way, truth & the life… no one comes to the father except through me (Jn. 14:6) (He is our Savior)  I am the bread of life (Jn. 6:35)  I am the life-giving water (Jn. 4:10, 13-14)  I am God (Jn.14:7)  I give peace to you (Jn. 14:27)  I am the Good Shepherd (Jn. 10:11)

What does He do?  He forgives sin (Mt. 9:6)  He performs miracles (Jn. 2:1-10) o Turned water to wine (Jn. 2:1-10) o Walked on water (Mt. 14:22-33) o Healed illness (Mt. 14:34-36) o Rose from the dead (Lk. 24:7)  He opens our minds to the Scriptures (Lk. 24:25-27)  He is kind to children (Mt 19:13-15)

What does the Scripture reveal about Him?  Riches (Mt. 6:33), Phil. 4:19)  Hope (Rm. 5:1-4), (Col. 1:27)  Joy (Jn.15:10-12)  Reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:18)  Redeemer (Rm. 3:24), (Eph. 1:7)  Patience (Gal. 5:22)  Kindness (Gal. 5:22)  Gentleness (Gal. 5:22)  Goodness (Gal. 5:22)  Faithfulness (Gal. 5:22)  Restorer (Jn. 21:15-17 – restores Peter)  Love (1 Jn. 3:16)  Friend (Jn. 15: 14-15)  Deliverer (Mt. 6:13)

You do not need to know much about Jesus to receive Him as Lord and Savior, because He invites each of us to come as we are. According to Webster, an invitation is “a formal request to be present or participate”. Christianity is an invitation-only event, and people are often surprised by who shows up to an invitation-only event.

To believe is “to accept the truth of what is said by (someone)” (Webster).  Jn. 14:1-3 - “Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.  Rom. 10:9 - if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.

Belief = Knowledge Faith Trust  Riches (Mt. 6:33, Phil. 4:9)  Hope (Rm. 5:13, Col. 1:27)  Joy (Jn. 15:10- 12)  Reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:18)  Redeemer (Rm. 3:24, Eph. 1:7)  Patience (Gal. 5:22)

Faith Faith is what follows belief. The dictionary defines faith as “something that is believed, especially with strong conviction” (Webster). However, if faith does not follow our belief (or, knowledge of Jesus), we become stagnant – we get stuck and cannot progress in our belief or faith. The context of faith in this teaching is Action. The Bible says that faith is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you don’t see (Heb. 11:2). Faith is acting on what you know about Jesus: what He said, what He did, and what Scripture reveals about Him. All of us have at one time been uninformed, underdeveloped or resistant to the truth, and were unable to act on what He said, did or what Scripture has revealed about Him. In many cases people are three point Jesus followers: o Jesus is my savior o Jesus is my friend o Jesus is my healer

But how will you act on the truths of Jesus if you do not know what He said, what He did and what Scripture reveals about Him? The Importance of the Body of Christ Life can become unmanageable and overwhelming for new or isolated Christians. The Scriptures reveal things about God that some of us cannot fully understand without personally having the experience or need. Being in community with other Christians helps us understand these qualities of God through others’ testimonies.

 I have listened to Christians who have lost everything: homes, retirements, cars, insurance. They didn’t have money for rent, gas or food. Jesus became their riches in amazing ways. These Christians help me to know more about Christ as our riches.  I know God is my healer. He has allowed me to recover from accidents and injuries. I have prayed for people and they have been healed. But I know Christians who were on their death beds and Jesus healed them. They help me to know more about the depth of Jesus as healer.

As the body of Christ we are desperate to learn from each other--what Jesus has said, done and what Scripture reveals about Him, and the personal experiences of our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Belief = Knowledge Faith = Action Trust  Riches (Mt. 6:33, Phil. 4:9) ← acting on what you  Hope (Rm. 5:13, know, heard or Col. 1:27) experienced  Joy (Jn. 15:10- 12) ← acting on what you  Reconciliation (2 know, heard or Cor. 5:18) experienced  Redeemer (Rm. 3:24, Eph. 1:7) ← acting on what you  Patience (Gal. know, heard or 5:22) experienced

Trust Trust is what follows faith. Trust is “a belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, or effective” (Webster).

The context of trust in this teaching is Cost.

Managers, supervisors and business owners are trained to develop trust among employees and teammates. One of the most common ways to build trust is an activity called the trust fall. First, someone is asked to turn around and fall back into the arms of another person. Once they’ve done that, someone is asked to stand on a chair, facing away, while two people interlock arms and catch the person. The third step is someone is asked to climb to the top of a tall ladder and fall backwards into the arms of another person. Typically no one will accept this challenge, because it has the potential to cost the person who is falling too much.

It doesn’t take much trust to fall back into someone’s arms, because everyone has fallen backwards at some point without anyone there to catch them. Everyone has fallen from a distance higher that a chair without anyone there to catch them; but now, the potential of great harm is imminent. It will cost the person too much to trust another person with their life, health or ability to work ever again. How much does it cost a child to know Jesus as Lord and Savior? Very little. How much does it cost a teenager to know Jesus as Lord and Savior? More--perhaps their reputation, relationships and acceptance. How much does it cost an adult to know Jesus as Lord and Savior? His or her life.  It costs the child their life.  It costs the teenager their life.  It costs the adult their life.

Belief = Knowledge Faith = Action Trust = Cost

 Riches (Mt. 6:33, Are you willing to trust Phil. 4:9) ← acting on what you Jesus with your life, talent,  Hope (Rm. 5:13, know, heard or treasure, future and Col. 1:27) experienced relationship?  Joy (Jn. 15:10- 12) ← acting on what you  Reconciliation (2 know, heard or Cor. 5:18) experienced  Redeemer (Rm. 3:24, Eph. 1:7) ← acting on what you  Patience (Gal. know, heard or 5:22) experienced

Jn.12:23-25 - 23 But Jesus answered them, saying, “The hour has come that the Son of Man should be glorified. 24 Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. 25 He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

The Lord responds to the child, teen and adult because He is the one who is drawing them to himself. He has great confidence in the Holy Spirit to reveal the cost of salvation as they learn who Jesus is, what He did and what the Scriptures reveal about Him. Statistics reveal that 85% of conversions happen before age 18. This is likely because many adults believe they have too much to lose in order to follow Jesus, such as bank accounts, retirements, jobs, houses, etc. In too many American churches people are taught the benefits of salvation, but not the cost. When things get tough, people falter because they are trying to avoid suffering and vulnerability. Too much of Christianity is about weighing the cost to benefits. When it costs too much, people give up and resolve things their own ways. We learn this from the rich young ruler (Mt. 19:16-22) and the man who asked to bury his father (Lk. 9:57- 62). The questions we must ask ourselves are:  What may you have to experience in order to know Jesus as the healer? (sickness)  What may you have to experience to know Jesus as your riches? (need)  What may you have to experience to know Jesus as your joy? (anxiousness)

The next question is crucial for everyone to consider: Are you willing to embrace the cost? If you need reconciliation for your marriage or family relationships, are you willing to embrace the cost? (all of you, for all of Him) In order to embrace the costs associated with trusting Jesus with our lives, we must understand how much Jesus loves us. Christianity is the most romantic faith of all religions; it is based in the idea that we were all pursued by God. All religions are about us pursuing God up the mountain, but Christianity is about God coming down the mountain to love us. Nothing is more exciting than being pursued, but relationships need more than romance to sustain them. Relationships need belief, faith and trust. How will you know Jesus when you get to heaven? Do you have a preconceived notion of what He will look like? The way you will know Jesus is by his scars. We all enter heaven unblemished and without any residue of sin upon us. However, Jesus carries the judgment of our sins on His body—not for one long day--but for all eternity. When you see Him, you will fall down and say, Holy, Holy, Holy. This is how much you are loved right now, today. When you understand how much you are loved, you can trust Jesus with every area of your life, including your marriage that may be struggling or shaken due to being disconnected or disjointed.

What is Hope?

The word “hope” is a simple word but it is filled with significance. Hope is both a noun and a verb. It can be used to speak about our expectation for something good. “I hope that we will have good weather.” It can also be used to speak about the source of that expectation. “I have hope in the weather report.” We also speak of our hope as being the thing that we expect. “My hope is for good weather.” We may speak of hoping for things that matter little. “I hope it rains this afternoon, the lawn needs rain.”; and for things that matter much. “Is there any hope for my marriage?”

Culturally, we tend to place our hope in things like money, medical science, counseling and psychology. Or we may look to our history or self-image, “I’m a good person,” “I don’t believe in divorce.” As a last resort one might place hope in chance. “I’m feeling lucky today.” Many of these things can be helpful resources for our marriage. And while we may utilize many different resources in our marriage, ultimately our hope is too significant to be found in any of these things.

When I faced a crisis in my marriage, I needed hope that could sustain me through the darkest times. Like a high wire walker, I can face all my fears if I know that there is a net to catch me when I fall. But a net is little good if will not bear my weight. My hope must come from a source that does not waver. Sustaining hope can only come from God.

What are some things that you have used to become hopeful in your marriage? For example:

 My spouse and I go to church

 I am a good person

 My spouse and I love our children

 I am committed to family

Where have I looked for hope outside of Jesus?

 ______

The Source of Hope

True hope begins with knowing God. As we grow in our knowledge of who God is we begin to find hope. We see this repeated over and over again in scripture.

The prophet Isaiah wrote to encourage the people of God during a period of national and spiritual crisis. He did not encourage them by pointing to any quality they possessed. Rather he turned their thoughts to God.

28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. (Isaiah 40:29 TNIV)

Hope for God’s people was going to come from God, but not just any “god”, God they could know as the everlasting One and the Creator, God who is tireless and whose wisdom is beyond compare. The more they knew of God, the greater the basis of their hope. Isaiah continues by calling to mind the things God does for his people.

29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:29- 31 TNIV)

Here is the payoff; God gives strength to the weak when we hope in him: “those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.” Some translations of the Bible say “those who wait in the LORD”. Both translations of the word capture part of its meaning. The word that is translated in this passage carries the connotation of waiting expectantly. We could define hope as waiting with expectation. We might even think of hope as “waiting with purpose”. In life, everyone waits for something. But for those whose hope is in God waiting is more than killing time, it is growing in relationship with God and learning to trust in Him.

4Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: 6He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 7Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. 8Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-- it leads only to evil. 9For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land. (Psalm 37:4-9 TNIV)

All human strength or ability will eventually fail us because we live in two realities: The flesh and the Spirit—“even youths grow tired”—but the good news is we can have hope in God, whose strength never fails. This pattern of hope is demonstrated in the story of Abraham. God promised Abraham that he would become the father of many nations. But the years went by and Abraham and his wife, Sarah, remained childless. Eventually they passed the age at which no one would reasonably expect to bear children. From a view of human resources it would have seemed hopeless and yet Abraham continued to have hope.

18 Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." 19 Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah's womb was also dead. 20 Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21 being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. (Romans 4:18-21 TNIV)

When there was no reason for hope, Abraham had hope drawing strength from his knowledge of God. Though the circumstances seemed beyond repair, Abraham did not allow the circumstances to minimize his ability to believe. Abraham wasn’t in denial. He didn’t ignore his perception of reality about Sarah’s infertility, in all of this he chose to find hope in God.

The opposite of hope is despair. Despair sets in when sin and its consequences appears bigger than God. We despair in marriage when we begin to see the present crisis as too big to overcome. Many people in a marriage crisis desire to have more hope but find their hope is diminished when they begin to focus on problems or weaknesses in the relationship rather than looking to God.

“Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed.”

What are the circumstances causing you to feel any sense of hopelessness for your marriage?

______

Do you feel that any of these circumstances are beyond God’s power to work in your life?

______

There is nothing beyond God’s power to restore, but we often feel as if things are beyond his control. Speaking of God the scripture says:

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:20-21 TNIV)

I can experience hope in any situation because I know that God is able to work in any situation. A marriage crisis often becomes a crisis of hope. We need to think of finding hope as a journey. The first step is to make a choice to focus on the character of God, and then declare that his power to work in you and your marriage is greater than these circumstances.

I trust in God who is…

Good: You [God] are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees. (Psalm 119:68 TNIV)

Wise: By wisdom the LORD laid the earth's foundations, by understanding he set the heavens in place; by his knowledge the deeps were divided, and the clouds let drop the dew. (Proverbs 3:19-20 TNIV)

Loving and Faithful: I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself. (Psalm 89:2 TNIV

Just: Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! (Isaiah 30:18 TNIV)

Merciful: The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him; (Daniel 9:9 TNIV)

Taking a step in the Journey of Hope: I choose to focus on God’s ability to work in my life and my marriage.

1. Based on what you have learned about God, what are some of His characteristics that allow you to experience Him as your source of hope?

______

2. We talked about Hope as a verb earlier in this workbook. As a verb, hope is something that you do. In a sense, hope involves making a choice: I have decided to put my hope in God. My hope is in Jesus rather than a concept or emotion. This choice positions you to receive power to live out a hope-filled life. I can choose hope even before I feel hopeful.

The journey of hope is different for every individual. Depending on where you are in your journey as you read this, write either a statement of your hope in God or a prayer for God to become your hope in the space below.

Here are some examples that you may use: “God, I don’t have any hope right now, will you help me?”; “God, my hope is in you, will you help my hope to grow?”; “God, my heart is hurting. Will you heal my heart?”; “My mind is full of disturbing thoughts and images. God, I need your peace.”

______

______14

God’s Love that Brings Hope

We must know that God has the power to change our lives. But that is not enough for hope to continue to grow. We must also learn that God loves us and has good for us.

In the Old Testament we are presented with a stark contrast between the faith of the people of God and the beliefs of those who lived around them. The nations that Israel encountered in the Ancient Near East worshiped a variety of “gods” perhaps best exemplified in Baal. You can read about problems with worship of Baal in the Old Testament (Numbers 25:1-5, Judges 2:11-23, 1 Kings 16:29-33, 1 Kings 18). These “gods” were capricious and given to anger, unreachable, and requiring appeasement. Worship of these “gods” led to gross immorality. In a frantic attempt to win the favor of their “god”, the practice of child sacrifice was begun. People saw themselves as desperate and helpless before the whims of an uncaring “god.”

But God is revealed very differently. He is stable and dependable. He loves his people and desires a covenant relationship with them. Pagan worship left people hopeless; worship of God, brought hope because he loves his people. Listen to the words of God to Moses on Mount Sinai.

5 Then the LORD came down in the cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the LORD. 6 And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, 7 maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. (Exodus 34:5- 7a TNIV)

My understanding of God makes a great deal of difference to how I handle adversity. Even today it is not unusual to see people facing the crisis in their marriage with desperation seeking to fix the problem in their own strength. We have already talked about knowing God in his power as the source of our hope. We now turn our attention to the love of God that brings that hope into our hearts. It makes a difference when I understand that the God of all power is the God that loves me.

We looked at the passage about Abraham’s hope a little earlier. Let’s look back at Romans to see how Paul continues the discussion in the next chapter to include the role God’s love plays in our hope.

1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. (Romans 5:1-5 TNIV)

What are some of the things we can take away from this passage?

1. The source of hope is found in who God is. (“we boast in the hope of the glory of God”)

2. Faith in God does not mean that we will not face adversity. (“we also glory in our sufferings”)

3. When we face suffering with faith in Christ the outcome is hope. (“suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope”)

4. We can have confidence in hope because of God’s love. (“hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts”)

5. We can experience God’s love within us through the Holy Spirit. (“God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us”)

What are some ways that this passage speaks specifically to your circumstances?

1. ______

2. ______

3. ______

4. ______

5. ______

Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. (Psalm 119:49-50 TNIV)

Taking a step in the Journey of Hope: I will invite the Holy Spirit to fill me with God’s Loving Presence.

1. How have you experienced God’s love in the past? (Perhaps, when you came to Christ, in your marriage, or through your family).

______

2. Where do you need to have a greater experience of God’s love in your life?

______

3. Our prayer for you comes from the book of Ephesians:

16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16-19 TNIV)

We invite you to make this prayer your own, rewriting it in your words. Make it a personal prayer for you and your spouse. (For example, “God, strengthen my spouse and me with your power…let us know how much you love us…”)

______

Trust and Hope

Spouses who are facing the consequences associated with a marital crisis often ask, “How…?” How can I ever trust again? How can I ever live a “normal” life again? How will I know that this will not happen again? How…?

Restoration requires trust and faith. Some people will use the term, “leap of faith,” to describe an act of great faith. However, true faith is acting on what you know about Jesus. Christians must be committed to learn what Jesus said, what Jesus did, and what He said about himself. It is important to know that a leap of faith is not the same as blind faith. Blind faith is not centered on the person of Jesus Christ, his character or his redemptive attributes. Blind faith is nothing more than a wish or ideal that is based upon a human desire or outcome. Blind faith is an attempt to ignore what is truly happening around you. Spouses may be so overwhelmed at their sins or the consequences of being sinned against that denial becomes an option because they cannot think about the alternatives.

A leap of faith is letting go of the need to write your own endings or outcomes to whatever you are facing. God said that he would never leave or forsake you (Matt 28:20). He has promised that nothing can separate you from his love and blessings (Romans 8:31-37). A person who is willing to leap into the arms of God will discover that God loves you and that your life is secure in his hands (Jn10:28-29).

Take delight in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. (Psalm 37:2-6 TNIV)

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. (2 Peter 3:9 TNIV)

For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. (Colossians 1:19-20 TNIV)

All of us are on a journey of faith that will reveal how much God loves us. God is faithful to use every trial, temptation or crisis event to demonstrate his love for us. Spouses must learn to accept and receive his love at the most difficult or messy times in their lives. I believe that the greatest tragedy in life is believing that you must earn God’s love. Faith is the reward of a life of devotion to God (IJN5:4). A journey of faith requires someone to let go of their attempt to control an outcome or timetable for restoration. God’s ways are better than anything we can produce on our own.

Taking a step in the Journey of Hope: I will entrust the outcome of my marriage to God.

We are instructed to trust in the Lord – the one who is in control of all things and to not rely on your own understanding or abilities. If you submit to God in this way, He will give us the direction that you need. Sometimes it is better to tell God what you desire rather than asking Him to tell you what to do.

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not to your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 TNIV)

What areas of your life or relationship are difficult to give over to God? Identify the emotions that are associated with these areas such as anger, fear or shame, etc…

1. ______

2. ______

3. ______

Are there areas which you have not submitted to God? Perhaps God has called you to take a step that you don’t want to take such as forgiveness or confession. Perhaps there are areas in which you desire to be in control or are trying to make something happen your way.

1. ______

2. ______

3. ______

Sometimes it is good to write out what you want to be such as, I want to be brave, forgiving, hopeful, trusting or trustworthy. Write down what you want to be and ask God to help you attain these characteristics.

1. ______

2. ______

3. ______

Refining My Hope: Rejecting False Hope Let’s just summarize what we have said about hope so far. Jesus is the source of our hope. We can be hopeful because God has the power to work in our lives not matter how dark things seem to be or the depths of our wounds, or how big our problems seem to be. God’s grace is always greater than your circumstances.

I can have hope for my marriage because I have faith in the ability of God to restore broken relationships. I know that neither I nor my spouse has the patience, wisdom, or depth of love for restoration. But God can supply all that we need.

We have also learned that hope is born in our hearts by an experience of God’s love. God has the power to work in our lives and through His love. We know that He has good for us.

Knowing God as the source of true hope provides me with strength and comfort. Because I have hope in the Lord I can feel safe to begin to express desires concerning my marriage. It is important that I learn to distinguish healthy expressions of my hope and desires from unhealthy ones.

Healthy expressions reflect a desire to move toward God—to grow closer to him, to be more like Christ, to be a reflection of his love to one another. Unhealthy expressions of hope focus on changing people or manipulating circumstances so that I can be comfortable. The following chart gives some examples of healthy and unhealthy ways of looking to the future.

Hopeful Expressions Misdirected Expressions For the Future For the Future

God will reconcile me and my spouse to God will fix me and my spouse. himself.

God will redeem our struggles and glorify My spouse and I will not have to struggle himself through these circumstances. like this again.

Our relationship will become more Christ- Our relationship will be like it was in the like. beginning.

The most important thing is knowing and I will finally have the marriage I always understanding who God is in the success wanted. and struggles of our lives

Taking a step in the Journey of Hope: I will embrace healthy expressions of hope for my marriage.

Identify at least two areas of hope that you desire most for your life or marriage.

1. ______

2. ______

Identify one or two areas of misdirected hope that you want to avoid in your life or marriage. 1. ______

2. ______

Ask God to give you hope in these areas. Write out statements of hope that are based not on your circumstances but on God’s character. (For example: “God, I feel lost and all alone and I desire closeness in my marriage but I know that you see me where I am and our relationship can be restored or enriched.”)

1. ______

______

2. ______

______

3. ______

______

4. ______

______

Sustaining Hope: Overcoming Anxiety

Almost every couple recovering from broken trust experiences anxiety at some time in the process. No one finds it unusual to hear that a friend is anxious about the future of their marriage. We are often surprised by our own anxiety when facing a crisis and somehow believe that there is something wrong with me when I feel this way. We may even try to hide our anxiety and refuse to reach out for help and support.

We want you to know a few things about anxiety:  You are not alone in what you are feeling. There are many others who have been where you are now.  You shouldn’t try to go through this alone. There are many resources that can help you get through this difficult time.  You are not going crazy (although it may feel that way sometimes).

The Bible gives direction for times of anxiety.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 TNIV)

What are some of the things we can take away from this passage?

1. We are commanded not to be anxious about anything. This sounds impossible at first reading. How am I expected to not worry with all that going on in my marriage?

It would be futile to attempt, “not be anxious”. How does one do this? It would be like trying to follow the command, “do not think about watermelons”. The moment I hear the word I picture the fruit.

Trying not to worry would only give me more occasions to worry. The Bible isn’t telling us to ignore our problems or to look on the bright side. That simply is not what the scripture is saying. Rather, we are instructed to turn from worry by turning to prayer. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

When anxious thoughts come to mind, I can play them over and over again or I can choose to present my concerns to God. It doesn’t take any more time to pray than it does to worry. The nervous thought, “What am I going to do?” becomes the prayer, “Father, will you show me what I should do?” The words of despair, “I don’t think I can make it through this.” become a prayer of hope, “Father, give me the strength and the wisdom to overcome.” 22

2. Our prayers should include:  Praise of God,  Requests for his help  Expressions of thankfulness or gratitude.

The word translated “prayer” in this verse is a more general word for prayer and has the connotation of prayer as an expression of worship and devotion. The word translated “petition” has the connotation of a prayer in the form of an urgent request to God for a specific need.

3. God makes us a great offer. We give our anxiety to God and he gives us his peace. The peace of God is not contingent on what I know. It does not depend on me being in control or being able to figure anything out.

4. God’s peace will guard our hearts and minds in Christ. The word “guard” used in this verse is a military term. To the original recipients of this letter, it may have brought to mind images of the Roman garrison that was located in their city.

As we look to God in prayer, his peace will protect us from anxiety and despair. His peace will hold our desires and plans, our hopes and dreams, in trust, secure in the knowledge that God has good for us.

What to do when you become anxious…

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. (Psalm 55:22 TNIV)

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. (Isaiah 26:3 TNIV)

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7 TNIV)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27 TNIV)

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (John 6:33-34 TNIV)

Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. (Luke 12:32 TNIV)

Taking a step in the Journey of Hope: I will rise above anxiety through prayer.

We mentioned turning anxious thoughts into prayers. In the spaces below write out some of your concerns which may be producing anxiety. Then turn the concern into a prayer. Include in your prayer a specific request, a statement praising God and expressing gratitude.

Example:

Concern: I’m feeling so tired. I wonder if I will have the strength to stay in my marriage.

Prayer: God, I thank you for being patient with me when I am weak and for loving me when I don’t feel lovable. Every good thing comes from you. You alone can give me strength. Father, I’m feeling so tired and I know I can’t continue to work on this marriage without your help. Will you give me strength? I need your encouragement. Will you restore my hope? Lord, my hope is in you.

Concern:______

______

Prayer:______

______

Concern:______

______

Prayer:______

______

Concern:______

______

Prayer:______

______

Journey of

Hope

Workbook Week 2

Strengthening My Hope: Growing in Patience

The process of restoring a marriage requires patience. Forgiveness can happen in a minute of time but trust is something that happens incrementally. You will also need to be patient with your spouse. A repentant heart is a beautiful thing but it takes time, accountability and submission to create new pattern of thinking or behaving. Natural consequences are part of living out a repentant heart.

At the same time your circumstances are painful and heartbreaking. Spouses need help to identify the degree of trauma that he or she is experiencing. Too often, Christians feel as if they need to ignore the trauma and put on a smile in the face of pain and loss. Growth does not occur at a constant pace and spouses are certain to fail each other in small, if not big, ways. Some days it will seem like the road is smooth and progress comes quickly. On other days it may seem like you have taken a wrong turn and are going over ground that you thought you had left far behind you.

The difficult call of scripture is to stand firm in the face of difficulty, resting in the knowledge that as we exercise patience change will come.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4 TNIV)

“Consider it pure joy…” We have to admit that this is not our natural response. James must be talking about something deeper than the giddy feeling we often equate with joy. James is telling us that we can experience hope by looking beyond the difficulty of the moment. It is a joy born of a deep trust in God that looks forward that we may become “mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James is most likely talking about suffering for the cause of Christ and in those circumstances we understand that two kingdoms are at work: 1) Kingdom of Darkness and 2) The Kingdom of Light.

However, when you suffer at the hands of a spouse the pain doubles. The person you trusted hurt you deeply and your identity is shaken to the core. The Scripture applies to both circumstances: Seeking joy in persecution of your faith and when spouses sin against each other. Whenever spouses are sinned against they feel isolated. Whenever someone suffers persecution for their faith he or she understands that brothers and sisters in Christ all over the world are praying for them.

What does it mean to be patient? Perhaps our patience grows best when we trust God most. The more you try to wish things away or “make it go away”, the more you grow impatient to see change. But when we chose to trust God rather than circumstance, our patience seems to grow. The American value of being your own person and making your own way misses the mark of learning patience. When you have a financial need what do you do first? Many people will problem solve, which is a good thing and

29 perhaps take a second job to alleviate the financial strain. However, the better choice is to assess the problem, review the budget, and pray for wisdom. American’s fix things; Christians pray and seek godly counsel. Perhaps God is working in your life in such a way that a second job is the worst thing you could do. Do you consider taking joy in such circumstances?

I am not saying that you should ignore your problems or spiritualize them. These responses can make your problems worse. Rather, patience requires that you bring your difficulties to God and walk obediently through them. When you patiently wait on God, follow His wisdom, and the godly counsel of others, you can trust in His redemption of all things pertaining to your life.

Taking a step in the Journey of Hope: I desire to grow in patience.

Farming is a good metaphor for both hope and patience. All planting is done with an eye toward the future. Farmers have to have hope and patience. The seeds that they sow today will feed their families at harvest. James uses the image of farming to call us to patience. Until Christ comes again and sets everything right, we will regularly have to exercise patience.

7 Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. 8 You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near. (James 5:7-8 TNIV)

Each of us should desire patience even as you pray for God’s will to reveal his presence and power in your marriage.

1. Are there any areas of your marriage that pose an especially difficult challenge to your patience? List them below.

______

2. Romans 12:12, encourages you to “be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer”. Write a prayer asking for God’s help in the areas you listed above. Return to this prayer whenever you feel your patience waning.

______

Preserving My Hope: Learning to Forgive

Forgiveness and Hope

We believe that our hope is in God. Unfortunately, it only makes sense then that anything that separates us from God separates us from the hope that is in Him. Your hope looks forward to the future that God has prepared for you. God desires good for his children. But when anyone refuses to forgive, they are making choices against the good that God desires to bring into their lives.

Our need to forgive is made plain in the Bible. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus linked your ability to receive forgiveness from God with your willingness to forgive others.

9 “This, then, is how you should pray: ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,10 your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.11Give us today our daily bread.12Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.13And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’ 14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:9-15 TNIV).

Forgiveness is rarely easy because it costs you something. The greater an offense, the more it requires a cost to you personally. We would be the last to try to tell you otherwise. But we have learned, sometimes the hard way, that forgiving others is necessary. It’s like a breath of air to a drowning man. The victim of great offenses needs the air that forgiveness brings most of all. An offender needs forgiveness also but the weight of the consequences of the offense fall heaviest upon the victim.

Understanding Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a divine characteristic. When you extend grace to others, you experience grace yourself. The offending person can understand something of what it can mean to be reconciled to God through the forgiveness that you extend to him or her. Forgiving others when you have been wronged can be a difficult task.

The person who has been sinned against cannot control any of the consequences of the sin such as who finds out, negative affects upon children, etc… Broken trust and broken hearts make forgiveness more difficult. Spouses need time, support, prayer and encouragement to heal.

Forgiving others is often made even more challenging when we do not understand the nature of forgiveness. Take your time reading through the following points on

32 forgiveness. As you read, put a check next to any that you find particularly relevant. You may want to prioritize on these items.

1. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting.

The more traumatic or unusual the event, the more likely you will remember. You cannot choose what is remembered or forgotten. However, you can choose to change your thoughts.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

You cannot choose the images or thoughts that pop into your mind but you can choose how to respond to these thoughts and images that bring fear, anger, shame or bitterness into your life.

2. Forgiveness frees me from the past.

Two things happen when spouses discover a betrayal in their marriage. 1) Your future is unclear, 2) Your view of the past is challenged. Betrayal causes a double bind. Most people feel that the ground under their feet is shifting.

You may begin to connect events from the past to the betrayal. Over time you may become aware of different times and ways that you were deceived in the past. When he or she said that they were working late… When your spouse said that he or she was out with friends… You may start to believe that your whole past as a couple was a lie.

You may begin to resent your spouse for the deception. This may be especially true if he or she repeatedly denied your suspicions. Sometimes the offending spouse tried to make their spouse think that they were imagining things or even “losing their mind” for suspecting anything. If this happened you may feel indignant: “I knew something was going on! How could they lie to my face?”

At first disclosure it is better to consider the different incidents of deceit as a part of an entire pattern of deception to be forgiven in total rather than separate events that need to be discussed. Once confession and repentance has been established and healthy boundaries are set into place, there may be specific instances of deception that you want to be fully disclosed. Spouses cannot forgive what they don’t know about. Spouses cannot repent for what is undisclosed.

Whenever you are unable to forgive you get locked in the past. In my relationship with my spouse I will not be able to get beyond what went before unless I am able to forgive their betrayal.

Forgiveness not only sets your spouse free, it sets you free. In this light, forgiveness is not just a gift that you give to your spouse; it is a gift that you give yourself.

3. Forgiveness is a process that may need to be repeated.

Forgiveness begins as an act of the will and in response to being forgiven by God. You can choose to forgive because you have been forgiven. As the days unfold following an offense, you will begin to understand more fully the different ways that the offense has affected you negatively. This process comes with temptations to take up the offence again as if it happened that very day. Sometimes it is the return of a painful memory that causes me to take up the offence. Remember, it is important to revisit and proclaim your forgiveness toward your spouse whenever you experience a negative reaction to an offense. You do not need to let your spouse know that you had to forgive them ten times throughout your day, but you can let the know you struggled with your thoughts and ask for prayer.

4. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what happened was inconsequential.

At times, spouses are reluctant to forgive each other in fear of being taken advantage of. Forgiveness is an extension of grace and when spouses treat that grace irreverently the forgiving spouse hears, “what I did wasn’t a big deal” or that consequences are not needed because of being forgiven.

This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Broken trust grieves the heart of God. Broken promises or trust is contrary to the nature of God who is a promise and covenant keeper. Because of grace, you can escape the final consequence of eternal separation from God. But there remain a number of consequences that will have to be walked out. The Bible teaches us that God disciplines those he loves.

“My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in (Proverbs 3:11-12).”

Being forgiven doesn’t mean that you should act like nothing of consequence happened in your marriage. On the contrary, forgiveness means that you must acknowledge the harm that was done to you or harm that you inflicted upon your spouse.

As Christian’s we forgive because of being forgiven by God. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the relationship is reconciled but it makes reconciliation possible.

Taking a step in the Journey of Hope: Practicing Forgiveness

1. Most spouses experience recurring thoughts about broken trust. What are some positive thoughts or truth that you could turn your mind toward when these negative thoughts flood into your mind?

______

2. The current crisis will often trigger areas where forgiveness has been withheld between you and your spouse in the past. Are there other people who offended you in the past that you need to forgive? Pray, asking the Holy Spirit to bring to mind anyone that you need to forgive. Write down the offenses from the past that you want to break the power of unforgiveness. Release these to God in a simple prayer of forgiveness.

I desire freedom from these past offenses through forgiving others for:

______

3. Identify any offences that you may have “picked back up” that need to be released to God. We pick offences back up because we feel as if the grace that was given didn’t lead to changed behaviors in the offending person. Don’t allow someone’s response to your forgiveness to take away your freedom and confidence that you honored God.

______

Hope for Restoration

Restoration: Hope in Action

“How long will it take to feel normal again?” At some point in the process spouses are faced with the prospect of restoring their relationships. Questions such as “How long will it take” and “When does it stop hurting enough to breathe normal again?” Reconciliation and restoration is exhausting. You will struggle to make it through some days without feeling hopeful. But you are getting a clear picture of who is your hope by now.

Normal is a word that doesn’t apply to reconciliation. People and couples are unique and not two are the same. However, God’s word is the compass that will guide you through the process. You will feel frustrated if you have the unrealistic expectation that your life will quickly return to “normal”. God does not restore couples to what they had in the past. Restoration is about being new. Looking for hope one day at a time is the way to become reconciled to God and each other.

33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:33-34 TNIV)

The process of building a new foundation takes longer than simply trying to repaint the house. Broken trust in relationships often requires new foundations rather than trying to put a shine on the outside of the house.

Coach’s Story: “As a teenager, I remember watching flood waters recede in my hometown. The change was so gradual it seemed as if nothing was happening. Slowly features that had been covered by water began to emerge and the work of cleaning up could begin. I think the work of restoring our marriage went much the same. It took time for the flood waters to recede before the real work could start. With grace, we began to see time as an ally. There was no hurry; we were building our marriage to last. I can’t help but think of what Jesus said about building on the rock. That is what we want to do this time”.

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock”. (Matthew 7:24-25 TNIV)

One way to think about the process of restoration of your marriage is as an exchange of attitudes and behaviors—old for new. Spouses must seek to exchange damaging behaviors and negative attitudes for a positive mindsets and behaviors to restore love, responsibility and respect. Here are some examples of positive exchanges:

Infidelity exchanged for Fidelity

Rage exchanged for Peace/gentleness

Control exchanged for Humility

Fear exchanged for Faith/trust

Anxiety exchanged for Hope

Aggression exchanged for Assertiveness

Detachment exchanged for Commitment

Powerlessness exchanged for Strength in Christ

What exchanges do you need to make? Is there an exchange that you have been avoiding? Sometimes spouses hold onto behaviors out of fear. Sometimes your behaviors don’t change because you don’t want to release your “right” to act out in anger. Change is the first step toward growth. Growth doesn’t happen until you are willing to change and move forward.

Christianity is all about change and transformations. Questions like, “How long, how much or what’s the cost”? These questions distract us from the beauty that change brings to our lives. God is changing you to become more like Christ. Jesus understood that his father loved him, spoke to him, and guided him. We want this confidence also. Restoring your marriage means you are a better person and follower of Jesus. This is your reward.

The chart below gives some examples of the challenges that spouses will face in the pathway of reconciliation.

I am challenged to:

Offended Spouse Offending Spouse

Be willing to accept God’s forgiveness of Accept that I have responsibility for my my spouse regardless of any desire I sinful choices regardless of any have for retribution. circumstances in my marriage. Be willing to forgive my spouse, by Forgive my spouse for any wrong that extending the grace that God has given he or she has done including hurtful you to your spouse. responses to my sinful behaviors. Identify my losses and walk through the Resist the impulse to avoid the loss and grief cycle. consequences of my sin. Stop all unhealthy behaviors or contact Walk in the knowledge that God is with other’s that my spouse is faithful. uncomfortable with or that threatens my marriage. Be willing to learn to trust my spouse Submit to my spouse’s need for honesty again. Prioritize the need to find healing for my Submit to any church discipline, heart over my desire to ignore it or get establish healthy boundaries, and be over my pain. accountable to my spouse. Acknowledge my need for personal Take responsibility to follow good growth and change. counsel for restoration.

What do you find most challenging in this list?

______

Identify any areas where broken trust is being triggered from your past. (Example: It will take me time to learn to trust my spouse again because there were so many lies told to me. I am sensitive to lying because of being lied to before by others who I trusted.)

______

In what areas may you need to get support? (Make a commitment to receive prayer for these areas. In addition to Marriage and Family Life, Vineyard Columbus has Prayer Ministry Team members available after every weekend service, a Soaking Prayer Ministry, and staff available during office hours that can pray for you over the phone or in person.)

______

Journey of

Hope

Workbook Week 3

Grief and Hope

The Experience of Loss

Husbands and wives will experience grief and loss in the aftermath of circumstances that lead to broken trust such as infidelity, emotional affairs, pornography, hidden debt, etc… In some extreme cases it is no longer possible to stay in the same job or neighborhood or to continue with the same circle of friendship or church community. These types of losses are very difficult to overcome and cause different degrees of loss and grief in each person. Every person processes loss and grief uniquely.

The following chart gives a few examples of losses that you may experience.

Offended Spouse Offending Spouse

Loss of identity. “I never thought my actions could hurt my spouse so Loss of the marriage ideal. deeply.” “I didn’t think I could ever be that spouse…”

Loss of spouse’s trust with everyone Loss of stable future and privacy including children, coworkers and through the betrayal. friends.

Loss of one’s perception of the past. The history of the marriage Loss of reputation—other people’s must be reinterpreted in light of perception of you. the revelation of the truth. What was real/What was false?

Suffering through the knowledge that Suffering through consequences your actions have brought pain to your of spouse’s actions. spouse and extended family members.

The Effect of Loss on Emotions

Coach’s Story

I wasn’t just angry, I was mad. I was mad at my husband, mad at myself, mad at the other person, even a little mad at God. And I was hurt. I can’t put words around how hurt I was. Then I was depressed. I didn’t want to go to work. I didn’t want to face anyone. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to let people know what was going on and I didn’t want to lie when they asked how I was doing. I was so sad. Then I got angry again. Then, if you can believe it, sometimes I found the whole thing humorous. You name it—I felt it. I felt like I was going crazy but I wasn’t. I was just grieving. I know that now.

Everyone will experience grief in this life. Whether it is the death of a loved one, a health crisis, the loss of a job or the aftermath of broken trust. These types of events force you to deal with a range of emotions.

Even when the marriage is preserved, you will sustain losses:  The loss of your dreams for what your marriage stood for (exclusivity, first priority, romance, etc...)  The loss of trust.  The loss of your identities as a husband or wife.

Losses are common even among restored marriages because you walk with a limp. Most people will not notice the hitch in your step but you will. Fortunately, God redeems all of your losses. The limp does not overwhelm you because you know what God has done in place of what the crisis or sin could have done to your relationships and dreams. Your limp reminds you that God is greater than your circumstances and reconciliation gives you a new future to embrace.

Relationships are not the same following an affair, hidden debt, alcohol/drug abuse or domestic abuse but reconciliation gives you a new pathway that you will travel in order to reestablish fidelity, financial responsibility, purity and healthy behaviors. We believe that your marriage will in many ways be truer, more faithful and more life-giving than what you knew previously. Your marriage will not be innocent but you will be wiser and understand the power of choice. The rest of your life will be based upon choices that you are going to make such as choosing to forgive, be trustworthy, trusting and hope- filled.

When you experience a loss, it is normal to respond with a range of emotions. At times you may even feel that your emotions are crashing into each other. The spouse who confesses may feel great remorse as well as relief because they are no longer living in darkness and deception. The spouse who confesses to behaviors or circumstances that breaks his or her spouses trust experiences mercy and grace due to their confession to

God and their spouse. Sinful behaviors that are confessed and repented of no longer have dominion over the offending spouse. It is as if a death sentence has been avoided.

The victim does not feel the same way as the repentant sinner because they are carrying the weight of sinful consequences that they cannot control. Each person has their own way of walking out loss and grief. Even the most stable person will experience a wide range of emotions from anger to depression and regret to apathy.

Almost any emotion can grow into an unhealthy attitude if it is not tempered by grace. We need to avoid the extremes such as denying or minimizing your emotions or giving them free rein to shape your thoughts and attitudes. Your emotions actually help to cultivate the heart to experience healing. A stoic or unemotional response to crisis keeps the victim or offender locked into the past.

Normal Unhealthy Course Emotion Progression Correction

I communicate my anger I feel angry I become hostile honestly without seeking revenge or hurting back

I feel wounded or betrayed In my pain, I seek Christ, I become bitter by my spouse looking to him for comfort

I take steps to maintain my Life will never be good physical and emotional I feel overwhelmed again. health looking to others for support and counsel.

I share with other Christians I feel sorrow for things that I who can provide support have done or said to my I am ashamed without judgment yet hold spouse me accountable.

I acknowledge that my spouse’s deception is his or I feel deceived I believe I am a fool her responsibility—I am not a fool for making a choice to trust my spouse.

I acknowledge sorrow as a normal response to loss I feel profound sorrow over No one understands me. I while looking to Christ and the betrayal am alone mature Christians for comfort.

I give myself time to adjust I will live like nothing has I feel disbelief. I can hardly to what has happened. I happened. I can just move believe that this has really reach out to others for beyond these happened to me. support to help me begin the circumstances. process of healing.

I freely admit the things that I feel regret I become resentful I regret but I will not allow the past to define my future.

Taking a step in the Journey of Hope: Grieving My Losses

What are some of the losses that you have experienced due to broken trust in your marriage?

1. ______

2. ______

3. ______

4. ______

What will you do to address these losses?

Experiencing Hope in Community

It is not God’s desire that we go through life alone. This is certainly true when we are experiencing a crisis. The Bible is full of commands for how Christians are to relate to each other. These have often been called the “One Anothers” after the phrase which is so often used. Below are a few examples of some of the “One Anothers” of the Bible.

Read these verses and reflect on how you should respond to the verse in your marriage and what changes might take place if you and your spouse more fully walked each principle out.

1. A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34 TNIV)

______

2. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10 TNIV)

______

3. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. (Romans 15:7 TNIV)

______

4. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. (Ephesians 4:2 TNIV)

______

5. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:21 TNIV)

______

6. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13 TNIV)

______

7. Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. (1 Peter 3:8 TNIV)

______

Many of us are inclined to withdraw from others when we are hurting emotionally. This impulse is the opposite of what we need to do. When we are isolated we lose perspective on what we are going through. We begin to think that there is no one around who could understand our feelings. We may think that there is no one around who has gone through an experience like ours.

One of the greatest figures of the Old Testament is Elijah. Elijah was powerfully used as a prophet of God. And yet Elijah found himself running for his life when the queen pledged to his death. Physically and emotionally exhausted, Elijah despaired for his life:

Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors. (1 Kings 19:3-4 TNIV)

Elijah’s problem was not a lack of resources. God had put everything that he would need in place. In the midst of his exhaustion and anxiety Elijah cut himself off from those who could help. He began to see his trouble as something unique to himself—in the midst of his crisis he felt all alone.

I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too. (1 Kings 19:10 TNIV)

God’s response to Elijah was simple:  Return the way he had come (leave his place of isolation)  Enlist the help of specific people who would be allies  You are not alone (In Elijah’s case there were 7000 people who were still faithful.)

We are no different than Elijah. We often feel overwhelmed and all alone in times of crisis. But it is in these times that we most need to reach out to the Christian community.

You may feel alone in your crisis. We did. But the truth is that many people understand where you are and what you are feeling. There is help available to you from people who care. There are going to be a number of resources available to you to help in the restoration of your marriage. Allow us to encourage you to push through any desire to withdraw or “go it alone” and follow that simple wisdom—Leave your place of isolation and find help and hope in community.

Taking a step in the Journey of Hope: Living in Community

It would be ideal if “community” always found you. But in reality as Christians we fall short in assessing the needs of our brothers and sisters. Most people live busy and sometimes disconnected lives. We don’t always do a good job of caring for one another. It is important that you take the responsibility to seek out community.

1. As a couple, how have you and your spouse connected with other Christians in a meaningful way in the past? (I.e. small group, serving in a ministry together, close friendships)

______

2. How could you and your spouse benefit from having more connection and support within the Body of Christ?

______

3. What steps could you take to participate more fully in the Christian Community?

______

Making a Stand for Hope: The Need to Stand for the Marriage

One of the most difficult and bravest decision you will ever make is to reconcile your marriage. God may be calling you to do one of the hardest things you have ever done. Spouses will never know what reconciliation is until they are faced with taking a stand for their marriage in the face of broken trust. In many cases an offended spouse needs to stand for their marriage because his or her husband or wife is struggling with ambivalence. Ambivalence sets into someone’s life when two conflicting emotions come together such as love and hate or repentance and shame.

Ambivalence consumes someone’s thoughts to the point where they lose perspective on relationships. Relationships seem to be beyond their grasp. People struggling with ambivalence see more value in things rather than relationships. All of this is because of being overwhelmed and confused by sinful behaviors or attitudes. You can stand for reconciliation even though you were the one who was betrayed. An offended spouse may ask, “Why should I be the one reaching out after what happened? I’m not the one who broke my vows?” Someone who is struggling with ambivalence loses perspective on the value of relationships and prioritizes things such as jobs or hobbies or possessions.

Couples who are disconnected rather than disjointed over long periods of time have withheld love, forgiveness, confession, or repentance for years out of stubbornness, bitterness, shame or guilt. Spouses who have withheld loving affection from husbands and wives are opposing God. The Scriptures command us to love your enemies, speak well of those who slander you and bless those who persecute you (LK 6). I would add, how much more is a spouse worthy to be included in these commands.

In the early stages of restoration, especially in cases that involve physical or emotional affairs, spouses often struggle with losses associated with a fantasy. Fantasies are based upon self-serving behaviors that become idols. Idols consume your life through lies. Anyone believing these lies loses their ability to recognize truth. Someone who has allowed an idol in their life are deceived to their core. This deception leads them to believe that they were in a loving relationship. Idols will take everything you have and leaves you with nothing. Healing prayer and deliverance is needed for such cases.

Ambivalence is also an issue with disconnected couples. Marriage covenant includes commitments to seek reconciliation for your relationship. This is what sacrificial means. Sacrificial love is extended even when one spouse is unable to extend such love in return. As marriage coaches, we often encourage couples to give God space to work in their marriage. No one person can guarantee the outcome of broken trust. In the majority of cases an offending spouse will respond to the love and grace shown by the offended spouse. The characteristics of grace and

52 forgiveness are so powerful that an offender can begin to believe that reconciliation is real.

Disclosure and Discovery

At this point in your pursuit of reconciliation, couples may have already experienced some level of disclosure or discovery. The follow information will help couples to agree that disclosure is what each person expects from one another.

Disclosure and discovery require different pathways toward reconciliation. The spouse who discloses their sinful behaviors are in a position to invite the Lord into the process of repentance and forgiveness. However, spouses who are caught in an offense must be willing to submit to whatever their husband or wife asks them to do. Submission is at the core of reconciliation.

When one spouse is caught in sinful behaviors both spouses suffer. The offending spouse is suddenly confronted with their choices against truth and righteousness. In many cases the struggle for the offender is based upon their blindness to truth and righteousness. Until spouses address these struggles they are ill-prepared to deal with their broken trust.

At the same time as disclosure or discovery is happening, offended spouses are confronted with painful and often debilitating events and circumstances that crush their spirits. An offended spouse is caught off guard and needs to fight in order to regain their emotional balance.

Because of this dynamic, the disclosing spouse often perceives him or herself further down the road in their own mind than their spouse who has just learned about the infidelity. To the offended spouse, the pain from an affair, hidden debt, alcohol/drug abuse or unethical behavior is a present reality even if these types of behaviors occurred years ago. These areas of broken trust may feel like they occurred in a different lifetime or that they are closing the book on sinful behaviors. However, the victim is beginning at page one of a long novel.

An offending spouse feels relief once the secret is out because it takes a great deal of spiritual and emotional energy to keep secrets undisclosed. However, an offended spouse is only beginning to bear the weight of sinful consequences of broken trust that disclosure or discovery initiates. These types of discoveries or disclosures affect spouses physically, emotionally and spiritually.

In the big picture of reconciliation it makes no difference in how the truth came out— truth makes a new beginning possible.

Disclosure Timeline A disclosure timeline is your best attempt to break the pattern of sin that is damaging your spiritual life and marriage relationship. The following guidelines will help you understand the process.  The timeline should not be shared with anyone but your pastor.  The pastor will schedule a meeting to review your timeline and walk you through prayers of repentance.  Following your meeting with a pastor you will schedule a meeting with your spouse in the presence of a pastor to review your disclosure timeline in order to confess and repent of these unhealthy behaviors.

Disclosure is an expression of confession. Disciples are committed to confess their faults because they are recipients of God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness. Jesus has cancelled any eternal consequences of our sins. Our response to such complete forgiveness is to confess our sins in order to bring truth, grace, forgiveness and healing to those who have been sinned against. The Scriptures reveal the pathway of confession. For those who confess his or her sins will experience forgiveness and cleansing from all unrighteousness (1John 1:9). The disclosure timeline allows each person to revisit God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness in their personal lives. Disclosure also helps spouses to identify patterns of unhealthy or sinful behaviors. These behaviors, once exposed, allow each person to confess, repent and seek counsel and resources to respond biblically and relationally the these types of damaging attitudes and actions. The disclosure timeline is not intended to identify everything that falls short of godly behavior. Everyone commits sin on a regular basis; but some sins have greater consequences to your spiritual maturity and marital responsibilities in being a healthy and Christ-centered spouse. These disclosures allow you to call upon God’s mercy and grace in your life. Each disclosure is an opportunity to break the pattern of sin, and to denounce the shame and guilt associated with these types of failures. May God’s truth and grace fill your heart as you complete your timeline.

The Following list is for disjointed couples (those who have experienced a crisis event):  Sexual sins: identify where pornography started in your life, and any patterns or progression. (Books, magazines, internet, strip clubs, masturbation; weekly, monthly, yearly, etc…) o Identify with an “MZ” for magazine o Identify with an “I” for internet

o Identify with an “S” for strip club o Identify with an “M” for masturbation

 Infidelity: identify any patterns of unfaithfulness in your life, including emotional affairs (indicate “P” for physical affair, and “E” for emotional affair), and any unfaithfulness when you were dating your spouse, or in your marriage. Also include any unfaithfulness that may have occurred in previous relationships, including committed dating relationships, or former marriages. o Identify with a “W” for inappropriate working relationships o Identify with an “N” for inappropriate relationships in your neighborhood o Identify with an “H” for same-sex relationships

 Financial irresponsibility o Regularly spending beyond your budget o Regularly hiding purchases from your spouse o Creating debt without your spouse’s knowledge o Hidden accounts

 Abandonment – any separation o Leaving your home or family for selfish reasons o Leaving your home as a way to punish your spouse o Leaving your home to avoid accountability o Identify patterns of putting something above your spouse o Identify patterns of selfishness

 Domestic abuse (emotional, verbal or physical) o Identify with an “E” for emotional o Identify with a “V” for verbal o Identify with a “P” for physical

 Inappropriate use of social media o Facebook, twitter, snapchat, etc… o Friends with opposite sex without your spouse knowing o Sending pictures of yourself without your spouse’s knowledge o Receiving pictures from someone without your spouse’s knowledge

 Alcohol or drug abuse o Work-related, hobbies/leisure, home, or bars o Identify with an “A” for alcohol o Identify with a “D” for illegal drug o Identify with a “PD” for prescription drug

 Repeated Lies o Financial o Work o Inappropriate relationships o Leisure time o Family

Disclosure is also important for detached couples. These couples do not have a crisis event that created broken trust in their relationships but they do experience emotional, physical and spiritual cut-offs. This means that spouses may not feel welcomed into the emotional, spiritual and physical components of their husband’s or wife’s life. In essence, couples become separated in these areas.

In a disclosure between detached couples, you are encouraged to think about and do the following:

 Invite God to help you identify what you need to confess, asking God to show you anything that is not pleasing to him in your marriage.  Identify any controlling behaviors toward your spouse; some of these can be triggered by a type of learned coping mechanism that limits your ability to engage in conflict resolution.  Identify when and how you have withheld love that you now know was inappropriate.  Identify behaviors that created a negative view of your spouse’s identity, such as: angry words, cussing and name calling, withholding touch, intensity of your emotions as you spoke them, etc.  Identify when and where you withheld encouragement, not apologizing when you were clearly wrong or acting selfishly (i.e. at our son’s graduation, the family reunion, etc.)  Identity when and where you have expressed impatience or judgment (identify the topics or situations that most often led to this, such as bill paying or parenting).

This type of disclosure is necessary to identify anything that contributes to being disconnected from your spouse. Disclosure allows you to seek God’s forgiveness and ask for deliverance from any unhealthy behaviors that keep your relationship disconnected. Use the timeline to record these types of behaviors, events and attitudes that lead to disconnected relationships.

Upon completing the disclosure timeline, make a list of losses that your spouse faces on a regular basis--sinful behaviors such as: the loss of fidelity, exclusivity, trust, respect, etc. These losses will become your daily goals to restore what your spouse has lost, such as: I will be faithful today, I will do nothing that would disrespect my spouse today, I will be trustworthy today, etc.

Thinking about the Future

1. In marriage, there will always be areas that require confession and repentance between spouses. How would you like your spouse to disclose something in which they have fallen short? Excluding crisis events due to sinful behaviors, think about specific examples.

______

2. There may be additional information surrounding areas of broken trust or reasons for long-term disconnections with each other. How would you like this to happen?

______

Hope for Hard Conversations

One of the more challenging areas for couple’s to navigate is how to discuss the details of the betrayal. People vary in their desire to know about an affair, hidden debt, or alcohol/drug abuse, etc… Some spouses want to know all the details, others want only minimal details because of the overwhelming sense of loss, while still others want one or two questions answered here and there over time.

We can’t tell you what to do. There isn’t a rule that is best all of the time. There are some good principles that can guide your decision and we’d like to share some that we have learned.

The truth is that as a group we would have to say that there are some things that we would do differently in this area. And, if possible, we would like to help you avoid some of the mistakes that other couples have made in their journey of reconciliation.

An offending spouse needs to fully confess the nature of the offense. Trust can only be rebuilt on a foundation of honesty. An offended spouse does not necessarily need to know all of the details of broken trust. For example, some spouses need to know if an affair was physical or emotional, a one night stand or long-term affair. One does not necessarily need to know specific details about meeting places, conversations, or sexual acts. A full disclosure requires counseling on both sides by a trained professional. In other types of broken trust such as drug/alcohol abuse or hidden debt spouses may want cell phone records or bank account statements.

The following chart gives a few examples of healthy and unhealthy reasons to ask your spouse for additional information surrounding areas of broken trust. You can’t “unask” a question or forget details that were disclosed at your request.

Guiding Principles to Seek Disclosure Healthy Unhealthy

Disclosure allows spouses to set Driven to know details of encounters, boundaries that promote respect and conversations, and places. responsibility between one another. Disclosure sets the tone for truth and Driven to see certain levels of reconciliation for the relationship. emotional pain or regrets expressed by Blanket statements of forgiveness are the offender. not effective or lasting. Disclosure allows spouses to communicate to the offending spouse Unwillingness to forgive before what it means to remain married to everything is disclosed. (in many them. cases, an offender is so trapped in

deceit they are unable to be honest for many months)

Focusing on the past at the expense of dealing with the present. (Life doesn’t Disclosure allows spouses to move stop; your crisis doesn’t define who forward with honesty and openness. you are; you are a family that needs income, stability and active parenting)

Disclosure allows spouses to identify any non-negotiable behaviors in order to build new foundations of trust, i.e. I can’t have alcohol in our home, I can’t Driven to prove someone to be a liar be comfortable with you participating in and judging them. social media, no more drinking, visiting bars, no more private lunches with someone of the opposite sex.

Preserving Hope: Accountability and Trust

Coach’s Story:

I needed my spouse to be accountable to me in how they spent their time and what they were doing. At the center of the betrayal were a collection of secrets that had protected their sinful behaviors. In many ways learning about these secrets hurt as much as the affair itself. I thought that we had shared the value of honesty. When I discovered these hidden choices it revealed a pattern of lies that belied a commitment to openness in our marriage. I knew that if we were to renew our commitment to our relationship we must also renew our commitment to accountability. There could be no secrets.

At the same time, I did not want to be a private detective, sifting through the trash for information or hiding in the bushes with cameras in hand. I wanted structures in place that made accountability something that we chose to do out of love and respect rather than something I imposed. I didn’t want to be the policeman; I wanted to once again be their lover and friend.

Journey of

Hope

Workbook Week 4

Preserving Hope: Accountability and Trust

Coach’s Story:

In order to rebuild trust back into our relationship I needed my spouse to be accountable for their time, friendships, spending habits, leisure/hobbies and work place. At the center of the betrayal were a collection of secrets that had kept the affair hidden from me. In many ways the discovery of the secrets hurt as much as the betrayal itself. I thought that we had shared the value of honesty. The affair revealed a long-term pattern of lies that makes a spouse question everything about the marriage. I knew that if we were to make a commitment to reconciliation we must also renew our commitment to accountability. No longer could secrets exist in our relationship.

At the same time, I did not want to be a private detective, sifting through the trash for information or hiding in the bushes with camera in hand. I wanted boundaries in place that made accountability something that we chose to do out of love and respect rather than something I imposed. I didn’t want to be the policeman in our relationship; I wanted us to be lovers and friends.

Accountability means to give an “account” of one’s actions. Every married couple needs to be accountable to one another. Accountability is not something to be imposed in the event of a marriage crisis. On the contrary, it is a sign of respect that builds or restores trust in any marriage relationship.

The need for accountability is clear whenever there has been a betrayal of trust. A betrayal creates a culture of secrecy within the marriage that must be eliminated. An offended spouse needs to know that his or her spouse will no longer keep secrets other than Christmas presents and surprise parties.

In particular, the offending spouse needs to be prepared to answer questions about his/her day, including their whereabouts, schedules, phone calls, emails, and contacts, etc… Spouses need to know how to contact each other at all times. Couples should have access to bank records, credit card statements, phone records and computer passwords as a matter of normal practices. Depending on the circumstance there may be additional areas that require greater accountability.

A simple way of describing accountability is disclosing the details of your life. This is not punitive or controlling. Instead it creates opportunities to grow in intimacy with one another by talking about your day, schedules and prioritizing family and one another.

Many married couples do this instinctively in the early stages of their relationships only to neglect this discipline as the demands of life and family grows.

Couples will gain added support when other accountability partners are included in the restoration process. These support people need to be committed to the marriage. These accountability partners can help to bear some of the unpleasantness of asking very specific accountability questions that may be painful for a spouse to ask on a regular basis.

Planning for Accountability

There is an old saying, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Relationships will benefit by building accountability into their marriages. Couples need to think about how they will achieve accountability. Take some time to think through the following areas. What specific measures of accountability does your spouse need to take in order to help rebuild trust? If necessary, talk to a pastor, counselor or trusted friend to help you.

The following five areas of accountability represent the top secret keepers between spouses. You are encouraged to review each of these potential areas of secret keeping and make an agreement to become accountable in any or all of these areas to your spouse or accountability partner. Accountability is not about being controlled by your spouse, but a willingness to become transparent in areas that have been withheld from your husband or wife, or used inappropriately.

Phone Use: In order to help me to extend trust to you in your use of the phone, I need you to be accountable ☐to me / ☐to your accountability partner, by (Example: giving a monthly printout of all incoming/outgoing phone calls and texts):

______

Email and Computer: In order to rebuild trust in the areas of computer usage such as email, social media, and other purposes, I need you to be accountable ☐to me / ☐to your accountability partner, by: ______

______

Schedule and Whereabouts: In order to rebuild trust about your schedule and where you are spending your time, I need you to be accountable ☐to me / ☐to your accountability partner, by:

______

Finances: In order to rebuild trust in the area of finances and how you spend your money, I need you to be accountable ☐to me / ☐to your accountability partner, by:

______

Other: In order to rebuild trust in the area of ______and how you

______, I need you to be accountable ☐to me / ☐to your accountability partner, by:

______

Healthy/Unhealthy Guidelines for Establishing Boundaries

Healthy Attitudes Unhealthy Attitudes A desire to reestablish trust in areas that A desire to keep your spouse from having have been used to hide or manipulate the contact with people who do not pose a truth about relationships, spending habits, threat to the fidelity or priority of your personal or work schedules from your relationship. spouse.

A willingness for mutual accountability in An unwillingness to be accountable in everything that you are asking your areas that you are asking your spouse to spouse to disclose to you. disclose to you. A desire to control your spouse’s spending habits, personal or work schedules where there hasn’t been a history of inappropriate use of social media, relationships, spending habits or work/personal schedules.

Restoring your Marriage & Reconciliation with God

Reconciliation

Reconciliation with God means that your friendship with God is put right again. Reconciliation requires me to repent of my sinful behaviors towards my spouse and from sinful responses to my spouse’s behavior. Being sinned against is no excuse for sinful responses. I am responsible for actions that I initiate and for the manner in which I respond to others.

In the Gospel of Luke, Jesus says these familiar words, “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31 TNIV). In the verses before and after this, Jesus gives examples of how we are to act toward and respond to other people. He does not make any distinction. We are sometimes tempted like little children to excuse our actions, “but he did it to me first.”

All of us have areas of life where we have experienced brokenness because of the things we have done or things that have been done to us. When someone harms me, I have the choice to respond out of my brokenness or out of the grace that I have received from God.

When I am offended by my spouse do I…

 Lash out in anger?  Call my spouse names?  Hit or push my spouse?  Make threats?  Try to hurt my spouse in return?  Emotionally shut down?

Or do I respond with grace…

 Being honest about my anger without allowing it to drive my actions.  Speaking respectfully even as I share my concerns.  Taking steps to cool down and gain self-control when I am feeling overwhelmed.  Resisting the desire to use threats to control, manipulate or punish.  Surrendering my desire for justice to God.

Identify any changes that you want to make in the way you respond whenever you become offended.

______

What changes would you like to see in the way your spouse responds when he or she is offended by your actions?

______

Confronting Obstacles to Healing

God is faithful and will heal marriages that are submitted to Him. Couples must realize that they have constructed the obstacles that keep their marriages from being healed, and then choose to respond differently based on related Biblical truth.

Obstacle Biblical Truth In response, I choose to…

There is no injury beyond the “My wound is ability of God to heal. too deep” (Eph. 3:16-21, Psalm 147:3)

Christ’s sacrifice on the cross “This particular is sufficient for every sin of

sin is too big” everyone for all time. (1 Peter 3:18, Hebrews 9:24-28)

“I like being in We should follow the example control” or of Christ in service to one “I like having another. (Phil. 2:1-11, Matthew power over my 18:1-4; 23:11-12) spouse”

I need to surrender my spouse I need to “fix” to God who knows his or her

my spouse heart and has the power to bring change. (Psalm 139)

I feel I am responsible for my own responsible for behaviors and attitudes. I my spouse. cannot control the attitudes and

behaviors of another. (Matthew 16:27, II Cor. 5:10, James 1:14)

Above all, God wants me to be Above all, God conformed into the likeness of wants me to be Christ by the power of the Holy happy. Spirit working in my life. (Rom. 8:28-29, Phil. 3:7-14)

If something Gods works in our lives in all “makes” me circumstances whether we

unhappy, I perceive them as “good” or should avoid it. “bad”.(Rom. 5:3-5, Heb. 12:7-11)

Old Marriage vs. New

At some point in the restoration process, most people wish they could just turn back the clock and make all of it go away. There will be times when you may just want to get back to “normal”. At times you will become exhausted from working on your relationship and even wish that you could go back to the way things were before you started to restore trust. Restoration is hard work and it is natural to get tired.

The truth is that there can be no more illusion of “normal”. The marriage that you had is not the goal of reconciliation. “For better or for worse” you have a new marriage. The goal is not trying to recapture what you had in the past but in developing a new relationship based on shared values and healthy boundaries. Trying to recapture the past is a myth that doesn’t lead to long-term happiness. Spouses commonly glamorize the past in the face of their present difficulties.

God delivered the children of Israel from brutal circumstances of slavery in Egypt. In Egypt they were subject to abuse and were treated lower than cattle.

“The LORD said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned because of their suffering. (Exodus 3: 7 NIV)

However, when they faced the challenges of the wilderness, the children of Israel remembered their situation quite differently.

“In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, “If only we had died by the LORD’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted,

but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.” (Exodus 16:2-3 NIV)

God cared for the children of Israel during their slavery and provided for them in the wilderness. His desire was to lead them to a better place—the promised land.

“So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey…” (Exodus 3:8 NIV)

God cares for you and your marriage and his desire is to lead you into a better place.

How will your story be told?

The story of the Exodus became the central story of the people of Israel. To this day the Passover Festival celebrates the delivery of the Jewish people from captivity. The celebration recalls the bitterness of slavery but the emphasis is on their deliverance and emergence from Egypt as the chosen people of God.

The betrayal that your marriage has survived will become integrated into your life story in one way or another. The choice is whether it will define you or refine you. Will it define you as a victim of betrayal, or will you allow God to work in the circumstances to shape and polish you into a better reflection of Christ? In the end, will it be a story of bitterness or deliverance?

What to do about Friends and Family

The effects of betrayal on the life of your relationship are like ripples on a pond. Your relationship is at the center of the chaos or conflict. At the moment of disclosure or discovery, you will suffer the greatest disruptions of your lives. You should limit the number of people who are being informed at this early stage of the crisis. Many family members and close friends will lose their objectivity for the marriage when they hear of the extreme behaviors, and experience your raw emotional responses to these conflicts or crisis events. Some family members or friends cannot be objective, and will side with one person over the other.

In desperation one spouse will invite others into the story of betrayal as they seek comfort or support. In the early stages of the crisis it is not uncommon for spouse’s to share too much information or to share it with people that do not have the best interest of the marriage at heart. It is important to choose wisely who and what you will tell.

Family members will struggle to forget the memory of their daughter or son, sister or brother’s heartbreak after discovering a betrayal. They may find it hard to forgive the one who hurt their “girl” or “boy.” Unforgiveness or hard feelings from family members of friends can become a challenge for couple’s who have committed to restoring their relationships. As a couple you will be investing a great deal of time and energy into your

70 marriage relationship, as you should, but the collateral damage to the other relationships (family or close friends) will of necessity receive much less attention.

A couple in this process can invite others into the positive changes that they are making rather than revealing their brokenness. This practice will be easier for family or friends to be supportive of your restoration.

As a couple, you need to take control of the level of access that you give others to your relationship. You will be amazed at the level of support and commitment that your marriage will receive from some of your family and friends. At the same time you will probably be disappointed at the actions of a few. Not everyone is going to act as a friend to your marriage. You need to learn to discern the difference.

The following information will help you to understand some of the ways that people may respond when there has been a betrayal. Here are some general types of negative behavior:

 The Investigator The Investigator is the person who will come seeking information—any and all information. They often seek out the wounded person with words of sympathy. The goal of their mission is gaining knowledge of all of the salacious details. Investigators like the feeling of being in the know and often share their knowledge with others.

 The Champion The Champion leaps to the defense of one spouse or the other against all comers. They are more than willing to take on the other spouse (and the other spouse’s Champion) over matters of blame, responsibility, fairness, guilt, etc. The Champion takes up the offense of others. They may mean well, but will only serve to inflame and complicate the restoration process.

 The Prosecutor The Prosecutor comes along side one spouse in the guise of a friend but they are no friend of the marriage. The Prosecutor systematically builds the case against the other spouse. With words of accusation and an appeal to one’s desire to be vindicated. The prosecutor points toward separation and divorce.

 The Incensed The Incensed take up a stance of moral outrage. They are the first to pick up rocks at any stoning. They want to see the offending spouse punished to the full extent of the law. They have little concern with the marriage. Their concern is that justice is served.

 The Timid The Timid are afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing so they don’t say or do anything. They tend to avoid you altogether. Old friends may suddenly be too busy to return a phone call. In situations where they can’t avoid you completely, they steer

clear of any question of how you are doing. They generally want the best for you, but prefer the safety of distance and denial.

 The Sage The Sage has all of the answers for your situation and is more than willing to share them. They generally lack any humility in their perspective. Needless to say, the Sage often is driven more by a personal agenda rather than by Biblical wisdom. To the Sage, the answer is always clear, and their opinion is the only way out of your trouble.

Friend of Your Marriage A friend of your marriage is someone of the same gender, who understands the Scriptures in regards to marriage, reconciliation and restoration. Our Heavenly Father is a god of reconciliation who doesn’t want anyone to perish, but all to come to repentance. He or she will encourage you to explore all opportunities for reconciliation before you consider separation or divorce.

A friend of your marriage will also encourage you to find healing for your heart and to seek wise counsel. He or she will ask you to meet with your pastor and to meet with a Christian counselor, which is often the opposite of what a person in crisis wants to do, because they feel shame and guilt for this happening to them.

A friend of your marriage will not say things like:  If you would have been more forgiving…  Your spouse will never change….  I told you that he/she would hurt you….

Many couples struggle with how much information to tell their friends and family about what is going on in their marriage. Like many aspects of your journey there is no single hard and fast rule that will tell you what to do in each circumstance. These general principles can help you work through each decision together. The process of working through these decisions together is an opportunity to rebuild mutual respect and trust.

1. Who do you think needs to know at least something about the challenge in your marriage?

______

2. Do any of these people need to know for purposes of accountability? (Do they play a role in holding the offending spouse accountable for their actions?)

______

3. Do any of these people need to know for purposes of support? (Who can be trusted to provide Godly support for either spouse?)

______

4. Do any of these people need to be included in the disclosure process? (Was this person also sinned against in some way?)

______

5. What specifically do any of these people need to know in order to meet the goal of accountability, support or confession? (There is no benefit to sharing anything beyond what is necessary).

______

6. Do you need to go to someone who you previously confided in, and let them know where you are at in your healing or recovery process, in order to release them from holding negative information or feelings toward your spouse?

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Separation from the Other Person (couples that are not struggling with infidelity or emotional affairs can skip to the “Setting Specific Boundaries” section) One very important aspect of accountability is preventing contact between the offending spouse and the other person associated with the betrayal. This should be something that the married couple does together. The reconciling couple needs to see themselves as a team working together to safeguard their marriage. Together they need to make the decision to take whatever steps are necessary to prevent contact with the other person. This will be more difficult if the other person in the betrayal continues to pursue the relationship with your spouse.

General Principles: 1. The couple agrees that there should be no contact between the offending spouse and the other person in the betrayal. 2. The couple understands that this may require some radical measures, such as filing a restraining order or transferring to another department in the workplace. 3. Should there be contact as a result of the other person’s efforts, your spouse’s choice, or by coincidence, it will be disclosed at once or with another mutually agreed friend of the marriage.

Measures to Consider: The following list represents actions that may help facilitate a successful separation. These are drawn from steps taken by our coaches in their own restoration process. This is not an exhaustive list, nor is each step necessary in every circumstance. You and your spouse should work together to develop your own strategy for separation. 1. Change home phone numbers, cell phone numbers and email addresses. Until you are able to change cell phone numbers, you may consider switching cell phones between the spouses.

2. Install computer software programs such as Covenant Eyes. Such programs are designed to prevent the viewing of pornography, but in doing so, also track all websites visited, including sites that would host email accounts and social- networking sites.

3. Make changes to whatever had been the point of contact—job, church, clubs, etc.

4. The offended spouse may need to check email, voice mail, and the mail box first.

5. In certain circumstances, couples may want to consider moving.

Setting Specific Boundaries

Boundaries allow couples to take responsibility for prioritizing their marriage by setting clear limits on their behaviors and habits. One may think of boundaries as the white lane markings that are painted on roads and interstates. Far from restricting progress, these markings create boundaries that make travel safer. Imagine the chaos that would ensue if all boundary lines disappeared from our roads. In the same way, by conscientiously observing boundaries in their marriage, couples will foster growth and trust in their relationships.

General Principles:

1. Boundaries should be clearly stated.

2. In addition to what would be considered wise or prudent for any marriage, your boundaries should address specific areas of past weakness or where either spouse needs to restore trust.

3. Couples should develop boundaries together—“These are our boundaries for our relationship.”

Examples of Boundaries:

The following examples come from boundaries that couples have used to help their marriages. These suggestions are given to help you think through the kinds of boundaries that will support and protect your marriage.

 Couple agrees to never discuss their feelings or other matters of a personal nature with members of the opposite sex.

 Couple agrees never to go to lunch alone with someone of the opposite sex without talking to their spouse first, and he or she agreeing to the lunch or dinner meeting.

 Couple agrees that there will be no secrets between them.

 Couple will not flirt with members of the opposite sex.

 Spouses will not compliment the appearance of members of the opposite sex.

 Spouses will not “surf” the internet or television channels.

 Spouses will disclose any time a boundary has been crossed, even if was accidental.

 Couple agrees to disclose income to each other.

 Spouses will not open a private bank account without agreement.

 Couple agrees to have a once a week talk time for at least 30 minutes.

 Spouses will not make a commitment for their spouse without talking to them first.

Coach’s Story:

For us, the healing started when we recommitted to love and devotion to each other. ThisTaking sounds kind a of step simple inbut thewe had Journey declined into ofa cycle Hope: of argument s, followed by “I’m D-O-N-E…I’m out of here.” Our marriage went nowhere until we realized that we had to be on the same team and started to focus on a common goal– to save our marriage.Establishing Until then it wasAccountability easy for each of us to see the other as the enemy. But in reality, we were on the same team because of Christ in our marriage.

The real enemy of our lives would have liked nothing more than to drive us apart. We overcame the enemy (satan) by believing that with God anything was possible , we pledged to stop the name calling and no more senseless fighting. Something was “good” only if was good for our marriage. We focused on covering each other’s back. God blessed us with the wisdom to realize that if we were going to make this work, it was as a team effort, not as two individuals only focused on their separate goals.

The more we leaned into God, the easier it got. The more we focused on God, the closer we became to each other. The more we put God first, the stronger our marriage grew. Looking back on it now, it seems so obvious, but it wasn’t easy at the time.

Boundaries that we agree to keep as a couple: (what we will/will not do)

These boundaries will help our marriage by: (The purpose for the boundary is to promote togetherness by prioritizing our marriage over other commitments and will help to restore trust, etc.)

Boundaries that the husband agrees to keep:

These boundaries will help our marriage by:

Boundaries that the wife agrees to keep:

These boundaries will help our marriage by: