Erma Bombeck: at Wit's

Erma Bombeck: At Wit’s End

Allison Engel and Margaret Engel

A Samuel French Acting Edition

SAMUELFRENCH.COM SAMUELFRENCH-LONDON.CO.UK

ERMA BOMBECK: AT WIT’S END is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union. All rights, including professional and amateur stage productions, recitation, lecturing, public reading, motion picture, radio broadcasting, television and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. ISBN 978-0-573-70503-8 www.SamuelFrench.com www.SamuelFrench-London.co.uk

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Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd ii Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM MUSIC USE NOTE Licensees are solely responsible for obtaining formal written permission from copyright owners to use copyrighted music in the performance of this play and are strongly cautioned to do so. If no such permission is obtained by the licensee, then the licensee must use only original music that the licensee owns and controls. Licensees are solely responsible and liable for all music clearances and shall indemnify the copyright owners of the play(s) and their licensing agent, Samuel French, against any costs, expenses, losses and liabilities arising from the use of music by licensees. Please contact the appropriate music licensing authority in your territory for the rights to any incidental music. IMPORTANT BILLING AND CREDIT REQUIREMENTS If you have obtained performance rights to this title, please refer to your licensing agreement for important billing and credit requirements.

Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd iii Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM ERMA BOMBECK: AT WIT’S END was first produced by Arena Stage in Washington, DC on October 9, 2015. The performance was directed by David Esbjornson, with sets by Daniel Conway, costumes by Elizabeth Hope Clancy, lights by Rob Denton, sound by Rob Milburn and Michael Bodeen, and dramaturgy by Jocelyn Clarke. The Stage Manager was Marne Anderson and the Assistant Stage Manager was Rachael Albert. The Associate Director was Anita Maynard-Losh. The cast was as follows:

ERMA BOMBECK ...... Barbara Chisholm

Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd iv Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM CHARACTERS ERMA BOMBECK – a dynamo with an easy laugh.

SETTING We see her in the Bombeck home in suburban Dayton, Ohio.

TIME The present, and various times from 1962 – 1996.

Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd v Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM Erma Bombeck SCRIPT.indd vi Manila Typesetting Company 05/03/2016 12:25PM 1 2 3 4 PRE-SHOW ANNOUNCER. (Voiceover.) Ladies and gentlemen, 5 thank you for silencing all your electronic devices. 6 [NAME OF THEATER] is pleased to bring back 7 humorist Erma Bombeck. Let’s give her a warm [NAME 8 OF CITY] welcome. 9 10 (As the audience applauds, ERMA BOMBECK 11 enters from the side of the stage in a pool of ethereal 12 light. She wears a shirtwaist dress.) 13 (Sound: Music accompanies the light.) 14 15 (ERMA acknowledges the audience with delight.) 16 (ERMA steps out of the light and enters the playing 17 space, which has a door on either side of the set. 18 The main part of the playing space is a living room 19 with shag carpeting, a bedroom with a double bed 20 and a kitchen with a table and chairs. The bed’s 21 headboard holds ERMA’s books. There is an ironing 22 board, an iron with a ridiculously long cord and a 23 laundry basket filled with clean clothes. There’s a 24 vacuum cleaner, a telephone in the bedroom, and 25 an easy chair and side table in the living room.) 26 27 (Music fades.) 28 ERMA. Oh gosh. It’s really wonderful to be here. 29 30 Looking back, it’s hard to figure out how I got to 31 suburbia. One moment you’re studying for a college 32 degree. Then, boom! You have a baby in your arms. 33 Once you dreamed of being a foreign correspondent. 34 Then, boom! Chef Boyardee is as exotic as it gets. I was 35 blazing a trail all right, but it only led from the laundry 36 room to the sink. 37 38 39

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1 (Sound: Children fighting, yelling, laughing. All 2 talk over each other in a cacophony with a rare 3 single line heard.) 4 (ERMA signals to the audience to wait. She can’t 5 talk right now. She makes her way to the kitchen.) 6 7 (To unseen children.) Sit up straight and eat your breakfast. 8 If your brother stole your fork, use your spoon. 9 Elbows off the table. 10 Please don’t feed the dog. 11 Keep you feet to yourself. 12 Don’t feed the dog. 13 Careful, you’re going to spill. 14 15 I told you not to feed the dog. 16 What are you wearing now? 17 Go upstairs and change. 18 Don’t worry about that tooth, it’s gonna come out 19 sooner or later. 20 It’s time to go. Get your books. 21 Bill, hurry up! The kids are going to be late. 22 23 (To an unseen Bill.) 24 Bill, there’s a first time for everything and it’s yours for 25 driving the carpool. 26 I know, transporting children is your 13th favorite 27 thing, right between eating lunch in a tearoom and 28 dropping a bowling ball on your foot. Just remember, 29 this means you have to bring the car to a complete stop 30 and open the door for them. They are small children, 31 not sacks of mail. 32 (ERMA opens the front door for Bill.) 33 34 (Addressing unseen children.) Your shoes are on the wrong 35 feet. I thought I told you to change. Don’t forget to give 36 your note to the school nurse. Remember, 7 times 8 is 37 56. Do you have your lunches, your coats, your glasses, 38 gym clothes, pens, pencils, milk money and bookbags? 39 Love you all, goodbye.

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(ERMA shuts the door. She attempts to speak, but is 1 interrupted by…) 2 3 (Sound: Doorbell.) 4 (ERMA answers the front door.) 5 Yes? What. You can’t hate school yet. It’s your first day. 6 7 (ERMA shuts the door.) 8 Welcome to my mornings. Breakfast made me wonder 9 why I take pride in cooking, if they don’t take pride in 10 eating? 11 12 Children are the most suspicious diners in the world. 13 How can a child eat yellow snow, kiss the dog on the 14 lips, chew gum that he found in the ashtray…and 15 refuse to drink from a glass his brother just used? 16 Although one child did learn something this morning. 17 If he wants an extra pancake, just cough on his sister’s 18 plate. 19 How did I end up in suburbia? It seems like ancient 20 history now. 21 22 (Newsreel music: World War II march music in the 23 style of “The Caisson Song.”]) 24 Rosie the Riveter gives up her factory job to a returning 25 G.I. and soon answers to a new name: “Mom.” This 26 Mom was part of the biggest, boomiest boom in history. 27 And just where does our little Rosie settle down? 28 29 (ERMA puts on pop-bead pearls and a frilly apron 30 from the laundry basket.) 31 In our nation’s newest community, Cherrywood Acres 32 in good old Dayton, Ohio. Split level ranches come 33 complete with timesaving appliances. And there’s 34 plenty of room for that station wagon in the garage. 35 Boy, America’s moms truly have it all – a carefree life far 36 from the stress and crowds of the big city. 37 (ERMA dances along with the Kelvinator 38 advertising jingle.) 39

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1 ERMA. (Ironically.) This was me in my house, all the time. 2 (ERMA takes a magazine, Better Housekeeping, 3 circa 1964, from the table by the easy chair. The 4 cover features a model housewife wearing an apron 5 and a frozen smile. ERMA shows the audience the 6 cover and mimics the smile. She vacuums, teetering 7 on the heels and looking to the model housewife for 8 approval. She trips over something on the floor.) 9 10 (Sound: Crunching of Army men being vacuumed 11 up.) 12 (ERMA turns off the vacuum.) 13 14 (In model housewife’s voice.) 15 (Patronizing.) It often works best if you pick up the 16 Army men first. 17 18 (ERMA gets down on her knees and picks up Army 19 men.) 20 Whatever doesn’t kill you now, comes back a few days 21 later and tries again. 22 23 (ERMA continue vacuuming and then suddenly 24 stops in horror.) 25 (To the model housewife.) Oops! I almost sucked up one 26 of the hamsters. He must be trying to escape the boys’ 27 room to cleaner air. (Pause.) There he goes! 28 (To audience.) I bet she never passes varicose veins off 29 as textured stockings. Or thaws pork chops by putting 30 one under each armpit? She spends her time lecturing 31 us with fashion do’s and don’ts, rules for entertaining 32 and beauty hints written like they are a matter of life 33 and death. 34 35 Add them all up and you’ve got dozens of ways to be 36 considered a failure. 37 In my house, I didn’t worry about perfection. For 38 Halloween, I’d put the cat on my son’s head and send 39

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him out as Davy Crockett. Or dot my daughter’s face 1 with lipstick and call her a contagious child. 2 There are very few women like that, but you wouldn’t 3 know it from reading magazines, watching television or 4 going to the movies. 5 6 There was one in our neighborhood. When her kids 7 played at our house, they wrote thank you notes for a 8 drink out of the garden hose. 9 But on the other hand, “Mrs. Perfection” and her kids 10 didn’t communicate. I speak fluent child: 11 If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to 12 freeze that way. 13 14 Put your sweater on. Don’t you think I know when 15 you’re cold? 16 When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come 17 running to me. 18 (ERMA points to the cover with the model 19 housewife.) 20 21 Those magazines never answer the real questions, such 22 as: Is it better to put your groceries away after each visit 23 to the store or do what we do, and eat them directly 24 from the car? 25 And those endless stories on dieting! I have been on 26 a diet for 20 years. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. 27 I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. 28 29 (ERMA takes off her apron and pearls.) 30 I did try exercising for a while. The other women in the 31 class were so thin that buzzards followed them to their 32 cars. Every day I’d groan, stretch, sweat and strain until 33 I thought I was going to die. But once I got those tights 34 on, it got better. 35 (ERMA takes off her high heels.) 36 37 The only plus about exercise was that I got to hear 38 heavy breathing again. 39

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1 I was a willing prisoner. Signed up young. I didn’t want 2 to be the older mom, the one fighting her kid for the 3 baby food – or spanking my toddler for coloring on my 4 Social Security check. 5 (ERMA sets up the ironing board and iron.) 6 7 I was kinda hoping that over the years, we’d be able 8 to figure out the mom thing. You know, the seesaw 9 between work and home. But on that front, nothing 10 seems to have changed. 11 You don’t mind if I do two things at once, do you? 12 Force of habit. 13 How did I find time to write? 14 15 (ERMA thinks of something and gets a notebook 16 from the headboard.) 17 (She takes a pen out of her purse. It doesn’t work 18 and she uses a lipstick from her purse.) 19 20 (As she writes.) “Motherhood is the world’s second oldest 21 profession, but unlike the first, there’s no money in it.” 22 (To audience.) 23 24 There are some similarities. Almost everything you do 25 is behind closed doors and no one knows what you 26 do or how you do it. I loved being a mom, but to the 27 outside world, I was simply a housewife. Housewife, 28 what a concept, a woman married to a house. 29 But I liked being here when the kids got home, and 30 trying to cook a mediocre dinner that was ready when 31 Bill walked through the door. You know, a stable, well- 32 organized life. For them, at least. I didn’t need to sleep. 33 I did, however, need to iron. At least the parts that were 34 going to show. 35 (ERMA irons Bill’s shirt.) 36 37 My husband and I had both worked in a newsroom, but 38 after we got married, he’d read me the daily paper: the 39 current weather in Nome, Alaska, what Dear Abby said

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to the woman whose husband dressed in the closet, 1 the high school basketball scores, why South bid seven 2 hearts, and what Lucy did to Charlie Brown. It was 3 obvious. I couldn’t read a newspaper by myself. 4 Every day, my family returned from the outside world, 5 threw open the door, looked me straight in the eye and 6 asked, “Is anyone home?” 7 8 If life is a bowl of cherries, what was I doing in the pits? 9 Yes, I signed up for this life sentence. But at least a lifer 10 gets a parole hearing every few years and the hope of 11 a pardon. 12 The whole thing was – and is – ridiculous. If you can’t 13 make it better, you had better laugh at it. 14 15 And if you can laugh at it, you can live with it. 16 Housewives have important things to say, but there’s 17 usually no one to talk to but the tropical fish. 18 (Sound: Doorbell.) 19 20 (Beat.) And a certain variety of shark. 21 (ERMA opens the front door to an unseen man.) 22 23 Hello. 24 (To the audience.) 25 26 Biff Blanchard. Casualty Mutual. 27 (To Biff.) 28 No, I don’t think we went to school together. Not unless 29 you wore a plaid jumper and knee socks. 30 31 (Pause.) It was an all-girls school. 32 Sure, go ahead and call me Edna. Many people do. 33 The “warm circle of insurance protection?” 34 35 I’m sure your polls are right, Biff, but I haven’t trusted 36 polls since I read that 62 percent of women had affairs 37 during their lunch hour. 38 (ERMA shuts the door.) 39

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1 I’ve never met a woman who would give up lunch for 2 sex. 3 Where would you be if something happened to the 4 mister? 5 6 My dad died when I was nine years old. Here’s what 7 happens. You take all your clothes out of your drawers. 8 Men take all the dressers and tables away. Even your 9 beds go back to the store where your dad bought them. 10 Then, they drive his car away. 11 (ERMA returns to the ironing board.) 12 My mom was only twenty-five years old. She had me 13 when she was sixteen. So we moved back in with her 14 parents. I got dumped on aunts and uncles a lot. It was 15 nothing for me to be at the local tavern with them til 16 midnight. 17 18 We adapted. We coped. 19 It was the Great Depression. Mom put on overalls and 20 worked in a factory, wrapping copper around engines. 21 We shared her old bedroom. There wasn’t room for my 22 half-sister – my best friend – and she had to go live with 23 far away relatives. I didn’t see her again for seven years. 24 We used to tap dance together. 25 When I was in kindergarten, I had a job tap dancing 26 on the radio. The Kiddie Review show. Tap dancing in 27 the 1930s was so popular – thank you, Shirley Temple – 28 that people all across America turned on their radios 29 just to hear that sound. I got paid $2 a week and that 30 $2 mattered. 31 32 And I kept tap dancing all my life. 33 It was up to me to find new friends. They were much 34 older, and they made me laugh. Mark Twain. Dorothy 35 Parker. Robert Benchley. 36 They taught me that if you’re living with sadness, at 37 least you can escape by writing. I started writing early, 38 and by the time I was 15, I had my first job at the 39

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Journal Herald in Dayton. Obituaries. It may not sound 1 like much, but as my mother told our neighbor, “You 2 try to get all those people to die in alphabetical order.” 3 Eventually, I got my own beat: Compiling household 4 hints for a column called Operation… Dustrag. Which 5 was strange, because my idea of housework is to sweep 6 the room with a glance. 7 8 “To revive chintz, simply add a small amount of paraffin 9 to a clear starch. Then, iron your chintz on the right 10 side so it will have a glaze.” 11 One horrified woman wrote me that if her curtains had 12 wicks they would have burned right through Advent. 13 To this day, homemakers are still trying to salvage bits 14 and pieces of the damage I caused. 15 Truth is, it’s hard to find humor in household hints. 16 Not that I didn’t try. I once wrote: “If you want to get 17 rid of stinking odors in your kitchen, just stop cooking.” 18 But writing about household hints was a dead end. 19 20 Much more daring was honestly describing a typical 21 day for a housewife. No one had the courage to write 22 that. 23 You see, women in the 1960s were not admitting 24 certain things to themselves. Your life was to serve your 25 husband and your kids and you better not forget it. 26 Point out the flaws, you got branded as a substandard 27 wife and mother. Like most of us, I was willing to 28 conform. 29 I had been hiding my hopes and dreams in the back of 30 my mind. It was the only safe place in the house. 31 32 From time to time, I got them out and played with 33 them. Reveal them to others? No, they were too fragile. 34 When my youngest started kindergarten, I was 37 years 35 old and my excuse for everything had just gotten on 36 the school bus. 37 38 39

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1 I began to dream about a column that used humor to 2 tell the truth about my life. 3 Writing a column was what I could do. I was too old for 4 a paper route, too young for Social Security and too 5 tired for an affair. 6 7 Besides, Bill and I couldn’t support three children 8 with two overbites on one high school teacher’s salary. 9 Several of my friends also decided to get paying jobs. 10 A few did it for the money. Most because they needed 11 the rest. 12 I took my idea to our local weekly. Guess what? The 13 editor bought it. Three dollars a column, don’t spend 14 it all in one place. My beat started at the crabgrass in 15 the front yard and ended at the back porch. 16 (ERMA puts the iron away.) 17 18 I had no particular words of wisdom, just common 19 sense advice like: “Never trust a doctor whose office 20 plants have died.” 21 Mostly, my column asked questions. Why is motherhood 22 called the most important job in the world, if no one 23 wants to know how it’s done? I also wondered why 24 there was a rectal thermometer in the cookie jar, but I 25 tried to stay focused on bigger things. 26 I got myself an office, also known as our bedroom. 27 28 (ERMA locates a portable typewriter under the bed.) 29 (She puts the typewriter on the ironing board.) 30 31 A room of one’s own. 32 It’s a miracle I became a writer at all. By the time I was 33 in my teens, I had a new step-dad, and he and Mom 34 decided college wasn’t for me. Neither of them had 35 graduated from high school so they didn’t see the 36 use. Their plan was for me to work as a secretary until 37 I could find a husband. Mom never thought writing 38 could be a career. 39

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(ERMA throws the carriage return.) 1 2 (Sound: Ding!) 3 Such a beautiful sound. 4 (Sound: Children bounding up stairs, yelling and 5 laughing. All talk at once. Children’s voices sound 6 like a cacophony with a rare single line heard.) 7 8 They’re back. 9 (ERMA types quickly.) 10 11 (Reads.) “If the Virgin Mary had lived on our block, we 12 would have said ‘Of course she has time to go to the 13 dentist. She only has one kid.’” 14 (ERMA listens with her head cocked.) 15 16 (To the door.) One at a time, please! 17 The hamster accidentally FELL in the toilet? 18 You used the glass thingy from the punch bowl? 19 20 And it broke? 21 (To the audience.) 22 23 Perfect. Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from 24 your kids. 25 (Sound: Flush.) 26 CHILDREN. (Voice over.) Mom! 27 ERMA. Emergencies do arise, no doubt about it, but some 28 guidelines must be established. 29 30 (To the door.) Before you bother me while I’m working, 31 ask yourself: Will Mom carry out her threat to move to 32 another city and change her name? 33 Now, here are the rules for the rest of the afternoon: If 34 there is blood to report, consider these questions. Is it 35 yours? Your brother’s? Is there a lot or a little? Is it on 36 the sofa that is not Scotch-guarded? 37 Now go watch TV! 38 39

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1 (To audience.) 2 God bless television. You put your kids in front of it and 3 it’s like hypnotizing chickens. All of our kids could sing 4 beer commercials before their eyes could focus. 5 6 Since our children mothered every animal they could 7 trap in a Mason jar, we attended a pet funeral nearly 8 every week of our lives. There was a small lizard who 9 lived in a terrarium on the back of the toilet, whom 10 I suspected died of ‘flush anxiety.’ We put to rest a 11 pet beetle. Had there been an autopsy, it would have 12 revealed half of our shag carpet. 13 The most poignant services were the ones conducted 14 for deceased guppies at the toilet bowl. We’d all stand 15 around the rim staring into the water and I’d ask if the 16 little guy had a name. They always did. 17 Then I would ask each child to say something 18 appropriate and nice about the fish. Sentiments came 19 to mind like, ‘I’m sorry I fed you pizza, Ethel.’ ‘Ethel 20 never bit anyone.’ ‘Ethel didn’t smell until last night.’ 21 22 Parents bear some blame. We allow animals to join 23 our families. We do this to teach children about love, 24 responsibility and even grief. My friend lost a beloved 25 pet and felt duty-bound to explain the life and death 26 cycle to her 5-year-old daughter. “Honey, we can all be 27 happy now that Frisky is up in heaven with God.” Her 28 daughter replied with no emotion, “Mom! What’s God 29 going to do with a dead dog?” 30 (ERMA goes back to the typewriter.) 31 32 Ohio University didn’t think I had much writing 33 talent and Mom and step-dad hoped I’d give it up, but 34 I decided to try again. 35 This time, at the Catholic school, the University of 36 Dayton, I heard those three little words I longed to 37 hear. “You. Can. Write.” Now, I’m not saying that was 38 the only reason I converted to Catholicism and started 39

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eating fish on Fridays, but those three words were my 1 green light. 2 During a school break, the Dayton Herald hired me. 3 I was in heaven – surrounded by real writers. Then, 4 copy girl met copy boy. Bill Bombeck also worked at 5 the paper. 6 7 The next thing I knew I was wearing an oversized 8 wedding dress that I bought on sale. And my mom was 9 smelling like the baked ham she cooked to take to the 10 reception. 11 That was our last good meal for a while. Turned out 12 I was a terrible cook. Almost immediately, Bill told me 13 he wanted to exchange some of our wedding gifts for 14 something useful: a vending machine. The one thing 15 he didn’t want to return was our smoke alarm. It told 16 him when our dinner was ready. 17 When our kids misbehave, I tell them if they don’t 18 shape up, I am going to put them to bed with supper. 19 20 (Sound: Knocking at the door.) 21 (A note slides under the door.) 22 23 (Reads the note.) “Can we have $1.50 to go to 24 McDonald’s?” 25 (To audience.) 26 27 Most children’s first words are Ma-Ma or Da-Da. Ours 28 were, “Do I have to use my own money?” And, like all 29 children, they drove us crazy to buy things they saw on 30 TV. In fact, our kids wouldn’t eat anything they hadn’t 31 seen dance on a screen. 32 (Sound: Children pounding on the door.) 33 I know! You’re waiting. McDonald’s isn’t going 34 anywhere. 35 36 (ERMA smiles guiltily. She finds a dollar in her 37 pocket, and searches through the pockets of clothes 38 in the laundry basket for spare change. She counts 39 coins in her hand. She’s short. She pulls a pair of

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1 penny loafers from under the bed and removes the 2 dimes. She slides the money under the door.) 3 Thank you, Mom! 4 5 Sometimes I wonder if children are like waffles. Should 6 the first one be used to season the grill and then tossed 7 out? The misshapen, the one with hard edges, the one 8 that falls apart…they are all miracles. 9 I think every mother has a favorite child. She cannot 10 help it. I have one – although right now, I’m not sure 11 any of mine are on the list. 12 My favorite child is the one who was too sick to eat 13 the ice cream at his birthday party, had measles at 14 Christmas and wore leg braces to bed because his feet 15 toed in. 16 17 My favorite child is the one who screwed up the piano 18 recital, misspelled ‘committee’ in a spelling bee, ran 19 the wrong way with the football and had his bike stolen 20 because he was careless. 21 My favorite child said dumb things for which there 22 were no excuses. 23 She was selfish, immature, bad-tempered and self- 24 centered. She was vulnerable, lonely, unsure of what 25 she was doing in this world. 26 27 The favorite child is always the same one, the one who 28 needs you at the moment for whatever reason – to cling 29 to, to shout at, to hug – but mostly, to be there. 30 When I started writing, I thought it was just my life that 31 was zany. After the first columns ran, everyone on the 32 block confessed it was their lives, too. 33 Then my old paper stole me away with fifty bucks a 34 pop. I called the new column At Wit’s End. 35 36 (Sound: Ringing phone.) 37 (ERMA answers the phone.) 38 39

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Hello? Yes, uh huh. Yes, I could do three columns a 1 week. What? Really? Thirty-six papers? Are you serious? 2 (Long pause.) Sorry, I’m just a little speechless for once. 3 O.K., yes. Thank you. Thank you. 4 (ERMA hangs up. She dials the phone.) 5 6 Bill, I just got a call from Newsday. The people there 7 want to sell my columns to papers around the country! 8 They think it could run in – are you sitting down? – 9 thirty-six papers. Thirty-six. You can quit painting 10 houses in the summer. And I’ll be At Wit’s End three 11 times a week. 12 (ERMA hangs up.) 13 14 I thought that weaving a career into the fabric of a 15 traditional family would throw five lives into upheaval. 16 It didn’t cause so much as a ripple. I started writing at 17 8:30 a.m. and I closed up shop in time to make dinner. 18 No one noticed the dynamo racing through the house 19 faster than aspirin through the bloodstream, able to 20 leap over three kids to get dinner to the table. They 21 didn’t have a clue that the mild-mannered woman who 22 sewed in name tags at midnight, by day wrote columns 23 and books, never missing a deadline. 24 I think so much comes down to the kind of marriage 25 you have. No matter how many fans I had across the 26 country, there was always Bill to keep me grounded. He 27 kept teaching, didn’t manage my career and stayed his 28 frugal self. Heaven forbid we should throw something 29 out. Or waste electricity. 30 31 Our guests saw him turn off the porch light before they 32 reached their cars in the driveway. By his description, 33 our house was lit up like a pleasure boat cruising the 34 Potomac. My friends actually didn’t know his first 35 name. They only heard me refer to him as The Prince 36 of Darkness. 37 (ERMA puts on Bill’s shirt.) 38 39

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1 His tours through the house every evening became 2 legendary. “Who’s in the kitchen?” Click. “Who’s in the 3 hall closet?” Click. “Who’s in the bedroom?” Click. 4 Then we would wait for his dramatic tally. “I have just 5 turned off thirteen lights.” 6 7 That speech was not his only long-running performance. 8 Bill had dinner-table lectures that became as familiar to 9 us as the Pledge of Allegiance. 10 Why Don’t You Want Your Father to Have a Lawn? 11 Two minutes, fifty-five seconds. This was a real heart- 12 tugger in which Dad recaps his failure to triumph over 13 bikes, sleds, plastic pools, football games, cars, wagons, 14 dogs and all the little perverts who cut across his lawn 15 just to make him paranoid. 16 17 I’m Paying You Kids an Allowance to Breathe. 18 Three minutes, eighteen seconds. This was a group 19 participation lecture. 20 “Do you know how much money I made when I was a 21 child?” 22 “Five cents a month.” 23 24 “Five cents a month,” he said as if he hadn’t heard 25 them. 26 “And do you know how old I was when I got my first 27 car?” 28 “Twenty-three years old.” 29 “Twenty-three years old and I bought it myself. And 30 do you have any idea how much I had to buy with five 31 cents a month?” 32 33 “You had to buy all your own clothes, books, tuition, 34 rent and pay for your entertainment.” 35 “I do you know what I did for entertainment?” 36 “You changed your underwear?” 37 38 “Hey, don’t ad lib.” 39

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Thank goodness Bill was always a good sport about me 1 making jokes. I once told my readers, “God created 2 man. I could have done better.” 3 (ERMA takes off Bill’s shirt.) 4 5 I got lucky, because really, women shop for a bathing 6 suit with more care than they do for a husband. The 7 rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel 8 comfortable with. Allow for room to grow. 9 For all those years, my wedding ring did its job. It led 10 me not into temptation. It was a status symbol in the 11 maternity ward. It was a source of relief to a dinner 12 companion. And it reminded my husband many times 13 at parties that it was time to go home. 14 15 I could never explain how our marriage worked. 16 Neither could most of our friends. We took vacations 17 together and we took them separately. It all came 18 down to trust. I couldn’t light the water heater and he 19 needed me to send out the Christmas cards, so we were 20 pretty secure. 21 When I last checked, we were members in good 22 standing of your average screwed-up family. And I was 23 happy to own up to it. 24 I wasn’t one of those women who pretend that being a 25 wife and mother is simple if you only try hard enough. 26 It wasn’t easy. Any parent who has been on a trip with 27 a child who kicks the seat for fifty miles and throws 28 his shoes out the window has definitely considered 29 abandoning him at the next Shell station. 30 31 Not all readers liked my honesty. I started getting a few 32 angry letters. “Why did you have children?” … “You’re 33 a terrible mother!” … “I feel sorry for your family!” 34 I assure you there was love in every line I wrote. 35 There is something I want to share with you. It’s a letter 36 I received from a mother in prison. 37 38 39

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1 (ERMA looks in the headboard and finds an oft- 2 folded letter.) 3 (Reads.) “Dear Erma Bombeck: You may not want to 4 hear from the likes of me. I am serving a life sentence 5 for killing my own child. I have read all of your columns 6 in our library, several times. Had I known mothers 7 could laugh at these things, I probably wouldn’t be 8 where I am today.” 9 10 (ERMA returns the letter.) 11 I keep this letter to remind me that there is a thin line 12 that separates laughter and pain. 13 14 I kept plugging away at the column, trying not to 15 whitewash motherhood. God knows women didn’t 16 need any more guilt. If there is a bent fork mutilated 17 by the disposal, we take it. If we fry an egg and the yolk 18 breaks, we know it’s ours. We give the lean ham to our 19 husbands, the front seat to our mothers, the last piece 20 of pizza to our children. 21 It is a small wonder our offspring became the “me” 22 generation. They were stigmatized by a martyred 23 mother who cut her own hair but paid $60 an hour for 24 her daughter to learn how to throw a baton and break 25 every lamp in the house. 26 There is going to be a time that your kids say to you – 27 “You don’t love me!” When your kids are old enough to 28 understand the logic that motivates a parent, you need 29 to tell them this: 30 31 I love you enough to insist you buy a bike with your 32 own money, even though we can afford it. 33 I love you enough to stand over you for two hours while 34 you clean your bedroom, a job that would have taken 35 me 15 minutes. 36 I love you enough to accept you for what you are, not 37 what I want you to be. 38 39 But most of all, I love you enough to say no when you hate me for it.

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You can’t shield your kids from tough times. And, really, 1 when tough times hit, kids can be pretty remarkable. 2 I was asked to write an inspirational book about 3 children fighting cancer. I wondered if an optimistic 4 book on cancer was possible. 5 6 I had always thought there are some subjects you just 7 don’t poke fun at. I was wrong. These kids had contests 8 to see who could go the longest without upchucking 9 after chemo. And one four-year-old confided in me, 10 ‘These people don’t know what they’re doing. They 11 put blood in me one day and take it out the next.’ 12 Right after the book came out – irony of ironies – I had 13 my own cancer scare. The night before my surgery, I 14 stood in front of a mirror and just stared at myself. Hey, 15 two breasts aren’t something I listed on my resume, for 16 crying out loud. They’re just a part of my anatomy that 17 supports a name tag. 18 As I was leaving the hospital, a well-intentioned nurse 19 handed me an envelope. (Whispering.) “Just slip this 20 into your bra and you’ll feel more balanced.” As Bill 21 drove me home, I opened the envelope. A small wad of 22 cotton fell out. “My God! I’ve got dust balls under my 23 bed bigger than this.” 24 25 I did need a few more hours without interruptions, so 26 I started interviewing household help. But guess what? 27 No one wanted to be paid for what I had been doing 28 for free. 29 (Sound: Phone ringing.) 30 31 (ERMA moves to the bedroom and answers the 32 phone.) 33 Hello? Oh hi, Charmaine. 34 (To audience.) 35 36 This call from my neighbor changed my life. 37 38 39

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1 (Into phone.) A lecture at the library? Sign me up. I’d go 2 to a lecture on the history of the paper clip just to get 3 out of the house. Betty Friedan? Never heard of her. 4 (ERMA hangs up the phone. She takes the chair 5 from the table, and drags it to the front of the 6 stage. BETTY FRIEDAN’s voice over runs as ERMA 7 moves.) 8 9 BETTY FRIEDAN. (Voice over.) It is a strange stirring, a sense 10 of dissatisfaction, a longing that women are suffering 11 now. Each housewife struggles with it alone. As she 12 makes the beds and shops for groceries, she is afraid 13 to ask even of herself the silent question - ’Is this all’? 14 ERMA. (To audience.) Look at this library, it’s full of women. 15 Many of my neighbors are here. 16 (ERMA sits and looks up expectantly at a speaker.) 17 BETTY FRIEDAN. (Voice over.) Telling bored, trapped, 18 desperate, empty women that ‘we’re all in this 19 together’ is not a joke. Those housewife humorists who 20 pretend it is are wrong. This is not funny! They revel 21 in a comic world of children’s pranks and eccentric 22 washing machines and parents’ night at the PTA. 23 There is something about these writers that reminds 24 me of Uncle Tom or Amos and Andy. 25 26 ERMA. Betty Friedan made me mad. 27 (ERMA drags the chair back to the kitchen.) 28 She shouted at us, “You are not using your God given 29 abilities to their potential.” She told us to erase forever 30 the words, “just a housewife.” I had a husband and 31 three kids whom I loved. What was I supposed to do? 32 Walk out? Join the circus? The next day, I bought The 33 Feminine Mystique and read it cover to cover. 34 35 That book hit part of me I didn’t even know was there. 36 Betty Friedan’s words were ringing in my head. A week 37 later, I found myself looking at an obituary in our local 38 39

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paper. My neighbor had died and the entire article was 1 about her husband’s and sons’ accomplishments. 2 Have you noticed that if women make it into a news 3 photograph, half the time they aren’t identified? 4 5 No explanation – they just happen to be standing near 6 some important man. 7 Betty Friedan had counted on an anger among women 8 in her Midwestern audience that did not yet exist. We 9 didn’t realize it, but in those few hours, we had all 10 been impregnated with the seeds of a movement of 11 monumental proportions…one that would grow inside 12 us and affect us all of our lives whether we embraced it 13 or not. 14 When the fights over the Equal Rights Amendment 15 started heating up, I was busy writing the column and 16 driving the kids around. 17 18 The E.R.A. is only 16 words – “Equality of rights under 19 the law shall not be denied or abridged on account of 20 sex.” It’s astonishing that this concept isn’t part of our 21 nation’s Constitution. I don’t think any woman should 22 go to her grave thinking E.R.A. stands for Earned Run 23 Average. 24 I volunteered to go on the road with Liz Carpenter, 25 who was the head of E.R.A. America. We were great, 26 good friends, and we traveled together for two years, 27 gathering wherever women gather – at beauty parlors 28 and senior centers in states that hadn’t ratified the 29 amendment. 30 We spent time strategizing with Gloria Steinem and 31 Bella Abzug. Did you know that Gloria, Bella and I all 32 lost our fathers very early in life? We all saw what our 33 mothers went through. My mom got paid less in the 34 factory than the man working right next to her. Gloria 35 said most women are just one man away from welfare. 36 37 I traveled on my own dime – it was my contribution 38 to the cause – and I continued to keep up with my 39 column three times a week.

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1 My job was reasonably straightforward. It was to tell 2 Americans that those 16 words simply meant “equality.” 3 When I was being flip, I told people “we’ve got to get 4 sex out of the gutter and back into the Constitution 5 where it belongs.” 6 On the road, it often got interesting during our 7 question and answer times. 8 9 (ERMA moves downstage.) 10 FEMALE QUESTIONER. (Voice over.) Mrs. Bombeck, are you 11 sure the E.R.A. won’t wipe out any and all distinctions 12 between men and women? What about unisex 13 bathrooms? 14 ERMA. It won’t. The only thing women have to fear from 15 unisex bathrooms is that we will still be the ones 16 cleaning them. 17 MALE QUESTIONER. (Voiceover.) Everyone knows your E.R.A. 18 has a secret agenda and that’s to destroy marriage and 19 the American family. Why don’t you mention that? 20 ERMA. Sorry but that’s as phony as that comb-over. Next?! 21 22 MALE QUESTIONER WITH A SOUTHERN ACCENT. (Voiceover.) 23 As our state’s lieutenant governor, I’m pleased you 24 are visiting our state and all, but Mrs. Bombeck, if you 25 don’t mind some unsolicited advice, why don’t you just 26 stay home and have babies? 27 ERMA. Well, sir, I did. And my babies now are old enough 28 to vote against you. 29 (Sound: Applause.) 30 31 (ERMA walks back to the bedroom.) 32 One of my proudest moments was being appointed by 33 President Carter to the National Advisory Committee 34 for Women. It was a truly ground-breaking committee. 35 The President was asking us how to make things better 36 for women in America. 37 38 Bella Abzug led the committee. 39

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We gave our recommendations…and they shut us 1 down. 2 When a draft of the report leaked out, Bella got fired. 3 Most of us resigned in protest. It was called the Friday 4 Afternoon Massacre. 5 6 And now, all these years later, many women still spend 7 most of their paycheck on childcare. 8 While ordinary women were being clobbered by 9 Washington, I was setting the record for the most 10 widely distributed column in America. 11 Nine hundred newspapers! Who would have thought 12 that writing about being a stay-at-home mom would 13 have struck such a chord. The key to my writing is that 14 I’m ordinary. 15 16 Everyone thinks of ordinary as some kind of skin 17 disease. Face it. Most of us are not remarkable. We are 18 not going to go to the moon. We’re lucky to find the 19 keys to our car in the morning. 20 I may never have won a Pulitzer, but I get top billing on 21 kitchen refrigerators coast to coast. 22 (ERMA picks up the books on the shelf that is part 23 of the bed’s headboard.) 24 25 Aha! Economics: I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal 26 Depression. 27 Ecology: The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank. 28 29 Sociology: All I Know About Animal Behavior I Learned in 30 the Loehmann’s Dressing Room. 31 Travel: When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It’s Time 32 to Go Home. 33 Like most families, we fought the battles of the 70s at 34 the dinner table. There were endless battles over hair 35 length and short skirts. Bill was upset over a different 36 kind of grass. All our kids considered employment a 37 38 39

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1 fad. Like mood rings. One kid spent so long in college, 2 ivy grew up one leg. 3 It took a long time for our kids to find their own 4 homes. Bill took to wearing a T-shirt that said: HOW 5 CAN I SAY GOODBYE WHEN YOU WON’T LEAVE? 6 As our silver wedding anniversary approached, I had 7 visualized a dazzling gala with a large white tent and 8 six-piece orchestra. 9 10 Several hundred guests would look on as Bill and 11 I exchanged diamond tennis bracelets. 12 (ERMA walks to the kitchen.) 13 The reality was our kids threw a few hamburgers and 14 hot dogs on the grill, scarfed them down and split, 15 leaving Bill and me to clean up. 16 17 As much as I complained in print about my husband 18 and staying home with the children, I loved it. If only 19 I could have those kids back and re-live the year my 20 youngest gave me a tattered picture of two hands 21 folded in prayer. On it, he had crayoned this moving 22 message: “Oh Come Holy Spit!” 23 Or that Mother’s Day I got a shoebox that contained a 24 baseball card and the gum was still with it. 25 The years of hands traced in plaster of Paris…the 26 Christmas presents out of toothpicks and library 27 paste… They’re gone. 28 29 (ERMA walks to the bedroom and goes to the 30 typewriter. She types and talks.) 31 No more plastic tablecloths stained with spaghetti. 32 No more bedspreads to protect the sofa from damp 33 bottoms. No more gates to stumble over at the top of 34 the basement steps. 35 36 You’ll straighten up the boys’ bedroom, neat and tidy: 37 bumper stickers discarded, bedspreads tucked and 38 smooth. Animals caged. You’ll say out loud: “Now 39 I want it to stay this way.” And it will.

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(ERMA ends typing.) 1 2 No more anxious nights with a child under a vaporizer 3 tent. No more sloppy oatmeal kisses. No knees to heal, 4 no responsibility. Only a voice crying, “Why don’t 5 you grow up and act your age?” And then the silence 6 echoing, “I did.” 7 When I couldn’t write about driver’s ed and teenaged 8 angst anymore, I thought maybe I should retire. 9 Instead, my husband and I decided to build a house. 10 We argued over tiles, the water heater…even the 11 closets. 12 13 Bill wanted a skylight over the shower. I could just 14 visualize American Airlines flying low to give passengers 15 a peek at my body. 16 And, we traveled. Vacations always sound so great on 17 paper. The truth is, they are hard work. Bill is the kind 18 of man who goes to the Grand Canyon and insists on 19 stopping the car and getting out to take a picture, 20 instead of rolling the car window down like everyone 21 else. 22 When you get home, the important thing is to set 23 fire to the contents of your suitcase. To me, a travel 24 wardrobe has the same symbolism as maternity clothes. 25 Get rid of them and you never have to go through the 26 experience again. 27 28 I know it will only be a matter of time before Bill’s beard 29 is white fuzz, I grow a mustache and we’re wearing 30 matching glasses. No one will be able to tell us apart. 31 Not that I thought Bill and I would go through life like 32 matched luggage. The only thing I had ever hoped for 33 was that we would hate the same people together and 34 deteriorate at the same pace. 35 I believe that a serious illness is a marriage’s unspoken 36 fear. But the chances of a couple staying healthy 37 38 39

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1 together and dying at the same time are Las Vegas 2 odds. 3 I had been diagnosed with kidney disease in my 20s. 4 Inherited from my dad. It wasn’t an issue, really, for 40 5 years. When it got worse, I worked darn hard not to 6 make my treatment an issue. 7 8 In-home dialysis four times each day simply became 9 part of my schedule. So the clock ticked a little faster 10 for me. 11 The big surprise was that I was the first to stumble. It 12 should have been the other way around. Insurance 13 charts all but assured me that Bill’s sell-by date would 14 come first. But that didn’t happen, Biff Blanchard. 15 (Sound: Breaking news intro “We interrupt 16 this regularly scheduled program for this special 17 report.”) 18 19 TV ANNOUNCER. (Voiceover.) This breaking news: The 20 Equal Rights Amendment went down to defeat today, 21 three states short of the 38 needed to change the U.S. 22 Constitution. Supporters of the amendment claim that 23 anti-E.R.A. forces played on the same fears that had 24 generated opposition to women’s suffrage in 1919. 25 ERMA. Congress had given us seven years to persuade a 26 majority of states to pass this amendment. Thirty-five 27 states did…but we needed three more. We almost 28 changed the Constitution. 29 I wish they could have put this on my tombstone: “She 30 got Missouri for the E.R.A.” 31 When Alice Paul wrote that original Amendment in 32 1923, she said each of us picks up a little stone and 33 eventually you build a great mosaic. 34 35 (ERMA gestures toward her left, pointing outside 36 the building.) 37 Over there, at the Capitol, the Equal Rights 38 Amendment is reintroduced every year. It’s a ritual. 39

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Women lawmakers make sure it’s the first bill in the 1 hopper. And every year, nothing happens. 2 People wondered why, with all my success, I still kept 3 up the column, the speech giving, the book writing? It 4 wasn’t for the money. Not a chance. 5 6 The truth is, I wrote all those years for me, and for the 7 other mothers standing on their tiptoes in the back 8 of the room, waving their hands to be recognized. 9 I recognized them. It turned out that was my God-given 10 talent, valuing what the rest of the world seemed to 11 take for granted. I wrote for the moms, missing at the 12 table, attending to all and maybe hoping for a shred 13 of attention. Good old dependable, old faithful moms, 14 ignored there in the back. 15 Even my mom was able to see that, although I suspected 16 she used most of my books as doorstops. 17 If you asked her what was in my books, she was sorta 18 vague. Kind of like when she tried to explain about 19 menopause. 20 21 When I asked her what it meant, she said “Your baby 22 basket dries up.” 23 “Is that the clinical description?” 24 “That’s what it amounts to.” 25 26 Late in life, Mom and I became very close. It took a 27 while for it to hit me that the roles of mother and child 28 had reversed. 29 My mother is the most beautiful woman I have ever 30 seen. The wrinkles in her face have been earned one 31 at a time. 32 And her hands. They’re small and veined. You can’t 33 help but be impressed when you see the ring finger has 34 shrunk from years of wearing the same wedding ring. 35 36 Her naps are as frequent as mine used to be. She 37 already has a sitter for New Year’s Eve. 38 39

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1 The transition comes slowly. Did it come the rainy 2 afternoon when you were driving and you slammed on 3 your brakes? And your arm sprang between her and 4 the windshield and your eyes met with a knowing look? 5 Then, one day while my daughter was driving with 6 me, she slammed on the brakes and her arm flew out, 7 protecting me. 8 9 The switch had arrived. 10 So soon. 11 But that’s what life is about, isn’t it? 12 13 Who wants to live with regrets? Think of all those 14 women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart. 15 My only regret in life is that I should have eaten more 16 ice cream and less cottage cheese. And I shouldn’t have 17 worried what the dog thought when he saw me get out 18 of the shower. 19 If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and 20 listened more. 21 22 I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the 23 carpet was stained and the sofa faded. 24 Instead of wishing away that nine months of pregnancy, 25 I would have cherished every moment and realized 26 that the wonderment growing inside me was my only 27 chance to assist God in a miracle. 28 When I stood before Him at the end of my life, I didn’t 29 want to have a single bit of energy or talent left. My 30 plan was to wear out, not rust out. 31 I looked forward to saying, “I used everything you gave 32 me.” 33 34 But most of all, given another shot at life, I would seize 35 every minute to make a difference…look at it and 36 really see it…live it…and never give it back. 37 (The lights dim on the living room. ERMA moves to 38 the area with the ethereal lighting and stands there 39

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in a pool of light. The light starts to fade but ERMA 1 stops it with her next line.) 2 3 Oh! When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of 4 advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you 5 answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. 6 (The lights again start to fade, but ERMA has 7 another thought making the light return.) 8 And another thing, marriage has no guarantees. If 9 that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. 10 11 (The lights again start to fade, but ERMA has 12 another thought making the light return.) 13 And always remember: Never go to your high school 14 reunion pregnant…or they will think that’s all you 15 have done since graduation. 16 17 (The light holds too long, and ERMA, smiling, 18 gives the OK sign to go dark.) 19 (Blackout.) 20 21 22 End of Play 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39

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