4saturday review Saturday January 12 2013 | the times

TIMES PHOTOGRAPHER, CHRISTOPHER LANE theconversation ‘Thenight beforethe single’s release Icouldn’tsleep.I’d kept asecretfor twoyears,itwas a Visconti’sguideto countdown, Iwas bitingmynails’ Bowie’snew album 1The NextDay Anhistorical songandhorrendously gruesome,Ithinkit’s aboutaCatholic cardinalortyrant. It’sveryviolent:the main characterishung,drawnandquartered, Afteradecade of silence, DavidBowie is back. Tim Teeman talkstoTonyVisconti, Bowie’sproducer,friend burntandthentornapartby people. 2DirtyBoys andrepresentative on Earth, aboutthe newalbum, health, happiness andtheir shared love of Britishculture Aeuphemism, andsong,foralltheglam rockstars thathaveever been. onyVisconti has known one thingIwould liketodispel it’s the isn’t proppingmeupany more. Icannot 3The Stars(AreOut Tonight) DavidBowie since 1967 rumours about his ill-health. He’s incredi- stay awake. On the wayhome my heart It’saboutallkindsof stars.Youcan sayI’m

and produced12of bly fit and takes care of himself. Obviously JIMMY KING felt likeitwas goingtoexplode. Ididn’t beingsecretive. his most memorable afterthe heartattackhewasn’t too want to cause ascandal forhim and me by 4LoveisLost albums, beginningwith thrilled, but he has an amazingfamily goingtohospital, so Itook12sleeping pills That’snotaboutaloveaffair,buthow The ManWho Sold The and friends. Visconti calls family “the —nosuicidal intent,justtoslow my heart everyonehascutdowntheir feelingsin T World (1970). He has F-word” with good reason. He became and it did and Isurvived. We’d have both theinternetage. done “mountains of cocaine” with his estrangedfromBowie in 1988 having been dead if we’d carriedon. There wasa 5WhereAreWeNow? longtime friend, “though alcoholwas far talked about Bowie’sclose relativestothe myth it wasn’t habit-formingbackthen. Averypersonalsong—it’sabout theBerlin worse”.Both are now sober veterans of press in away the singer felt was“too Foolishly we believed that. It wasasocial wehadbeeninin the1970s.Itisnotas AlcoholicsAnonymous, living in New intrusive”. They reconciled“because drug and socially acceptable. Youwent to autobiographicalaspeoplearesuggesting. York with asharedpassion forJapanese we’refriends”. anycocktail partyand somebodyput aline Heisastoryteller.Thiscouldbeabout him, food —Bowie is “verymuch asushi Since his heartattack, Bowie has been orspoonunderyournoseandyousaid‘Oh, orBerlinatacertaintime. guy.But when Bowie calledVisconti two painting—an exhibition of his work is thank you!’.Iknow people who sold their 6Valentine’sDay years agoto“work on some demos”, the possible, Visconti says —“and doinga homestofeedtheir habit. Forusthere was Insidethe mindof ahighschoolmass 68-year-oldproducer admits that he phenomenal amount of reading: old nolimit.” murderernamedJohnny, inspiredby the wasshocked. Englishhistory,Russian history, the Visconti stoppedtakingcocaine in 1984. spateofshootingsin USschools. “I had no idea he waswritingagain. We monarchs of Great Britain —what made “I woke up one dayimaginingthere were 7If YouCanSeeMe had spokenin2009 and he had madeit them bad and good. Everything he reads phantoms in the room. Ijustwent cold Achallengingjazz-funk-rock composition, clearhe wasn’t writing. Andnow thisweek, makes it intothe lyricsofhis songs”, turkey.” He stoppeddrinkingin2,000 and extremelyfastwithaccompanyingvocals the single came out and it shocked the which is evident in our exclusive break- Bowie and he both went to AA. “David bylongtimeBowiesinger GailAnnDorsey. world,”hesays. down of the rest of the songs on the found it very useful. We talk about being Identitiesswitchbetween someonewho The song, WhereAre They Now?,a album (seebox,right)about tyrants, spies each other’s supportsystem. If twopeople maybeBowieandapolitician. melancholiclamentto BerlinwhereBowie andsoldiers. from the program sit together that’s 8I’dRather BeHigh and Visconti livedinthe 1970s, causeda “I’veworked with other rock stars who technically an AA meeting. Everytwo or Thelamentof ademobbedSecondWorld global Bowie-gasm on Tuesday, Bowie’s want to talk about their yachts and horses. three days we talk about it although we Warsoldierwhowouldrather succumbto 66th birthday, releasedwith no pre-hype NotDavid,”saystheproducer,fondly.Love don’tstartand end with aprayer. I’ll say, baseemotionsthanbeahumanbeing. at 5am GMT. It receivedits premiere on in the internet age, glam rock and the ‘I’m comingtomy12th birthday’ and he Bowiedoesnotwanttobehigh.Heisclean Radio 4’s Today programme. An album, workings of fame form more personal says, ‘Wellit’s been my 23rd!’.Iask, ‘Do you andhasbeenan AAmemberfor years. Bowie’sfirstfor tenyears, The Next Day, thematicballast. miss it?’ and he says, ‘I don’tmiss it at all’. 9Boss ofMe willbereleasedonMarch11. Certain to createmost headlinesis AndIsay,‘Me neither’.” Someonefeelsoppressedorabused, On the eveofthe single’srelease, “I Valentine’s Day,Bowie’sresponse to the Sometimesthe men recollecthow speakingin thethirdperson. couldn’t sleep,” Visconti reveals, drinking epidemic of gun violence in American drunk they were at aparty,the limo that 10DancingOutin Space waterinasmartNew York private schools. It waswrittenayear before the would wait forthem outsideafter-hours Asongaboutanothermusic artist,possibly members’club.Heisdressedall in black, Sandy Hook ElementarySchoolmassacre boykeeps swinging DavidBowie at TheMagic Shop in NewYork clubs in NewYork. Their mostoutrageous aconglomerationof artists. slim —hetraded in drugs and booze for in December.“It’s about mental health in 2011. His newalbum wastracked andmixed at thestudio night? “Westayedupwith John Lennon 11HowDoestheGrassGrow? t’ai chi —with white-croppedhair.“I’d rather than gun control.It’sall young until 10.30am. We did amountain of It’sacompanionsongtoI’dRatherBeHigh kept asecret fortwo years, Iknew the peopledoingtheseshootings.It goesinside single, in which Bowie livedwith Iggy cocaine, it lookedlikethe Matterhorn, andisaboutthe FirstWorldWar:howBritish releasedatefortwomonths,it wasacount- the head of the shooter.David giveshim Pop, wasn’t as depravedaspeople think. obscenely big, and four open bottlesof soldiersweretrainedasametaphor foralot down,47daysto go ...thefinaldaywewere the name Johnny, which Ithink is the “Wegot drunk alot. But he livedavery cognac.”Visconti pauses. “Hedoesn’t do ofthings.Sheerpoetry. e-mailingeachother.I’d say, ‘I’m bitingall name he’sgiven to about 12 people in his spartan life. Iggy had his bedroom, anythingnow.He’sMrClean. He looks 12(YouWill)SettheWorld onFire my nails down, it’s 2hours and 35 minutes’, songsoverthepast40years.” ‘Duringthe Davidhadhis.” great,rosy cheeked.Ifyou’re doing Aboutayoungfemalesinger whogets and he [Bowie] would writeback, ‘2 hours WhyJohnny? “I don’tknow.Maybe it Did their relationship go beyond friend- drugs and drinkingat66you look discoveredin anightclub inthe1960s.Does and 26 minutes’. Then Isaw some posts on rhymeswell: ageneric name which helps makingof ship?“No,absolutely not and at that time likeshit.” shesettheworldon fire?It’snotabout Bowie Worldwidejustafter midnight: describe the common man. The issue for he had serious financial problems. He was Bowie’spoison now? Astrongmacchia- anybodyspecific,butacoupleofpeople ‘Holyshit’, ‘OhmyGod ...’ Everyone had him isn’t so much guns, but the mental Young breakingupwith (firstwife) Angie and he to.Otherwise he drinks waterand in the whosangalongsideDylan. writtenhim off. The nextday he wasvery health of the shooter.Inthe pasttwo years Americans he wasreconstructinghis life. Certainly there studio,and eats roastbeef sandwiches 13YouFeelSoLonelyYouCouldDie happyabout how well it had beenreceived. there have been so manyshootings and wereperiodswhenhereachedthedepths. andsalads. It’saboutRussianhistory,fromthetimeof ‘Well,whatdidyouexpect?’,Isaid.” the nextday we’d come intothe studio and wastakingso “Duringthe makingofYoung Americans The twohavemade29songs together of theColdWar andespionageandaboutan Bowie,he says, told him he would “never say‘What the f***? Whyisthis happen- (1975)hewas takingsomuch cocaine late, makingasecond album almost uglydemise.It soundslikeanR&B song. do another interview again”making ing?’ We were shocked likeeveryone much cocaine it would have killedahorse. Cocaine inevitable. “We’re not goingtogiveupon 14Heat Visconti, Isay,his voice on Earth. “Tell me else and don’tthink it’s goingtoend any- certainly almostkilledme. Duringthe the songs that haven’tmadethis one,” Itcouldbeaboutprison,lonelinessand about it,” he says, wryly.The singer had a time soon. We have kids and we can’t it wouldhave makingofthat album Inearly died. I Viscontisays. sociopathicdetachment.Thelyricsareso heartattackin2004 and there have been imagine the horror...the worstthingto killed a thought Iwas goingtohaveaheartattack. “We’regoingtogobackandlookatthem bleakIaskedhimwhathewas talkingabout. rumoursthathewassufferingfromcancer. happen to our kids would be them being Iworked dayand night. He’d come in to because they’re spectacular musical “Oh,it’s notabout me,”hesaid. Noneofthese “They’re categorically not true,”Visconti shotinpublic.” horse’ the studio at 11pm and work till 11am. One pieces, they justhaven’t been finished songsare.He’san observer. says. “Hedoesnot have cancer.Ifthere’s The Berlin period featuredinthe new dayIsaid ‘I have to pack it in, the cocaine Continuedonpage6 watch thatman Tony Visconti, DavidBowie’s producer,friendand AlcoholicsAnonymous “buddy”. Visconti helped produceBowie’s latest album 6saturday review Saturday January 12 2013 | the times theconversation Caitlin Moran on TV

RAY STEVENSON /REX FEATURES Continuedfrompage5 lyrically.Ithink he’sonaroll, and will Bowie is addicted to possibly returntothe studio later this year. If people don’tlikethis album then maybe Foyle’sWar,USpolice Splash!was as deeply deranged he won’t, but it doesn’tmattertohim. He series TheShieldand toldmewhat he wants to do is make records. He does not want to tour.He’s French dramaSpiral been doingitfor more than 30 years and he’stiredofit. I’vebeen with him on tour one’sgoingtobeour Sergeant Pepper’”, as thedesperate exclamationmark and no matterhow cosseted they are they referringtothedefiningBeatlesalbum.” lose sleep,they get miserable and lonely. He reveals that Bowie lovesBritish Afterbeing on stage they justwant to get comedy: particularly HarryEnfield and intothe limo and crash. It’s gruelling Paul Whitehouse, PeterCookand Dudley and the star of the show has to deliver Moore (he makes Visconti play Cook in MATT FROST /ITV mostonstage.” sketch recreations). DVDs of The Office wonder if there could possibly have been a ine in acorset being rigorously pumpedby Visconti recalls seeinghim aftera played through the 2003recording of Splash! less appropriateline-up.Sugababe Jade adandy alpha, on topofamassive display concertatJonesBeach outsideNew York the album Reality.Bowie is also addicted (ITV1) Ewen couldn’t swim. “I can’treally swim,” cabinet of stockings in teal, azure, crimson, in 2003. “Hejustsat there and said, ‘I’m to ITV drama Foyle’sWar,America shesaid.“I’mscaredofwater.” snow and dove,reach some manner of knackered.He wasn’t enjoyingit.” npolice series The Shield and the drama Mr Selfridge ActorJakeCanuso had nearly drowned climax, and then startagain —rolling It has been rumouredthis week that FrenchSpiral. duringthe tsunami in Thailand. “There across the floor in amassive tracking shot Bowie might appear at the Glastonbury Visconti’sleast favouriteBowie songs (ITV1) were housesgoingovermeand every- that took them through kitchenware, and SXSW festivals. “There is no possibili- are from the Never Let Me Down period thing,”hesaid,inhisintroductorypackage. linen, menswear,and stationery, so Icould ty whatsoever,” Visconti says. “I don’twant (“Helosthis way”), but he likes Let’sDance, “It’smakingmecry rememberingit.”This pick out acouple of things Iwanted forthe to give people anyhope. He’s pretty even if he didn’t produce it. He says he likes don’tmean to be unnecessarily sounded likeafairly major trauma, rather house, plus watchabit of softporntoboot. adamant that he’sfound his muse. ‘I just to “mix things up”and has worked with dolorous —usually I’m all about than alight-heartedanecdotetoldbefore ThatwouldhavebeenagoodSundaynight wanttomakerecords’, hetoldme.” Elaine Paigeaswell as Thin Lizzy. He the good news —but ITV1 had a learningtodiveinfront of 6.1 million replacement for DowntonAbbey.Asexy Afterthe heartattack, Bowie resumed producesyoungbands today(including notablystupidweek thisweek. people. Canuso sounded likeheshould be catalogue.Top-endgoods, andhumping. contact by sendingVisconti “jokesand Razorlight and the Dandy Warhols), but is Obviously,noone’sattheir onashowcalled Therapy!,instead. And to give Mr Selfridge its due, in Mr YouTube videos of people doingstupid shocked by “how little musicianship they best in early January. We’re all a The comedian Helen Lederer,onthe Selfridge himself —playedbyJeremyPiv- have comparedtothe 1970s, and I’m not I bit liverish, duvet-dazedand un- other hand, wasabsolutely fine with the en and his MASSIVE teeth —wehad our things. Idon’t think artists ever retire, why wouldheretire? Some artists havelongpe- beinganold man —Iwasshocked by how willing. But of all the people in Britain wateraspectofdiving—but not the diving Wonka. Bearded and brash, Mr Selfridge riodsof not creating:they needtoaccumu- little musicianship we had comparedto ladlingthemselves out of bedintothe ach- aspect. “Ihaveafearof heights,”shesaid— enteredevery scene WITH HIS PER- lateexperiencesand have somethingto Charlie Parker.Todaythey put 10,000 ingpre-dawn,thenspendingthedayscrew- afear that wasveryapparent when shegot FORMANCE TURNED UP TO ELEV- writeabout. I’veread Christopher Hitch- gang of four HermioneFarthingale, DavidBowie, Tony Visconti andJohnHutchinson in London in 1969 hours in on the computer,rather than ingthings up in an office, ITV1’sweekend readyto doherfirstdive,live. EN,brandishinghis cane and SHOUT- ens’s book Mortality and I’m sure David shreddingaguitar.” scheduler appearedtobehitting“TopFive Appearingonthe diving board fora INGthings like, “Other shops come from hastoo.” songs are pre-written, he jots down notes Seventieshesaid he wasgay,then bi), “I The Arctic Monkeys and ArcadeFire Most Lamentable”,easily. quick pre-divechat with Kaye,her eyes lowly beginnings —but Selfridgeswill be Bowie walks amongNew Yorkers well and Ikeep the microphone settings the never witnessedhim with aboyfriend. I are honourable exceptions, but he hates FormanyTVviewers,thebigquestionof had the milky glaze of someone beingpoi- BORN GREAT!!!!”,likesome macaroni disguised: “Hedoesn’t stand on street sameforeachsongsowecanreturntoit.” certainly think he wanted people to think bands “channelling” the 1970sand 1980s. theweek rapidly became: “Which is prova- sonedwith terror.“Idon’t really under- Brian Blessed, openingaconcession of corners forany lengthoftime.”Hewas The new single has very sparse lyrics, that,but his main squeezeswere always “It’sbollocks. Listentothe ballad we just bly,scientifically worse: ITV1’snew put- stand whatyou’re saying,”she confessedto C&A. pappedoutsidethe recordingstudio he explains, but everyline evokes a women. There wassuch homophobia back released: it’s justaman singingfromthe ative Bafta-bait drama Mr Selfridge Kaye,afteran awkwardpause. “Am Igoing Of course, Mr Selfridge neededtobe inSoHo,NewYork,in October,butit feelingand reminded him of how then. He said the best tactic wastogothe heartwithnotrickery.” (Sunday); or the new celebrities-learning- to die?Is itgoingtokillme?” brash, because of England’suptightness — wasarare sighting. He travels all much Berlin felt likeafilm noir,“a other wayand shock people. He said Ziggy Another single mayprecede the album’s to-dive-with-Tom-Daley; yeah, youheard WhilstKayereassuredher that she which, in 1909,was reachingcritical mass. over the world, “but youwouldn’t ThirdMan city. There is such drama Stardustwas apersona, but it confused release in March. Until then Visconti, me, celebrities-learning-to-dive-with-Tom- wasn’t goingtodie, the viewer couldn’t “People here,”said Lady Mae, who today know it because he doesn’twant there:thekilling,Hitler...” people.Ihearpeopleevennowsaying,‘You three timesmarried(once to the Welsh Daley—show,Splash!(Saturday)?” help notethat,way below Kaye and Led- wasplaying “the representative of all of youto. He valueshis privacy ViscontimetBowieandthesinger work with that queer’. It’s never been folksinger Mary Hopkin), withfour Splash! was—as the desperate, Miran- erer,anominous, black-clad frogman London society”,“don’tlike‘shopping’.It’s becausehe hasn’thadaprivate life.” Marc Bolan at the same time. “I droppedcompletely.” children, and in an unmarriedrelationship da-style “Such fun!” exclamation mark in sculledinthepool,bearingwithhimthein- notconsideredsmart.” The album wasmadeoveran knew they’d both be big,”hesays. It Bowie “doesn’t care” about criticism, for12years (“I’m more faithful as asingle its title suggested —deeply deranged. At ferenceofbroken neck,andfish-tank lung. Lady Mae, we were giventoinfer,knew 18-month period, then in the studio wasBolan who wasthe more rival- Visconti says. “He’savery smartguy.Part man, youhavetowork harder to keep up times, itsexistencefeltasalarmingaslook- In the end, Lederer madeher celebrity what waswhat. She’d marriedintomoney, intensivelyforthreemonths,twointen- rous, and Bowie, who discoveredglam of his thinkingreleasingthe single may the romance”) will practise t’ai chi on his inguptosee an oncomingtruck bearing how’s my diving? HelenLederer takesacareer plunge on Splash! splash-sound, clappedonbyDaley.We packed her husband offtothe countryside, sive weeksatatime. Bowiemakeshisown rock —inVisconti’sestimation —“about have been, ‘Let people think what they Manhattan roof and await more down on you, drivenbyachild, smokinga had watchedaterrifiedwoman do avery and wasnow bangingagolden-haired demosathomeonacomputer. anhourbeforeBolan.They’relikemysons, want,I’m goingtoshock them with this’. If tantalisingcalls from the still-Thin White fagandwearingwater-wings. knewexactlyhowthatsounded. simple dive intoapool—afairly amazing 25-year-oldhottie, who waswandering “Heknows how to makeadrum loop Ican’t saywho Ilovemore, but Bolan saw so,itcameoffflawlessly.” Duke. So,there’smore Bowie music to Thepremiseof its90-minuteformatwas To be fair,however,the atmosphere did ITV1’s thingfor prime-time ITV1 to task itself to around with abottle of champagne in his and record chords and do abackingvocal young american everyone as athreat. Afriend showed me a Likemanymusic journalists, Bowie and come and more surprises? “Ohyes,” almostentirely encapsulated in its one- seem pretty electric —thanks to apool- weekend do, giventhatyoucan go to ParkRoadPool hand. over them,”his friend says. Sometimes Tony Visconti in 1968 picture of him, disguised, watchingDavid Visconti joke about good songs Bowie has Viscontisays,grinningtothemax. word title: this wasashow about causing sideaudience of hysterical TomDaley in Crouch End and see it anytime you Within the space of one ad break, how- tracks are justmusic or “la-la-las”, as and Ionstage supportingHawkwind, the madesince the widely-hailedalbum Scary DavidBowie’s albumTheNextDay,will splashingsoundsby dintofthrowingceleb- fans. If Splash! is anything—and that’s scheduler want,whileeatingasausagerollinthecafé. ever,Lady Maehad changedher mind Visconti puts it: “Hegets us to feel asong hairiest band ever.He’swearingaclothcap Monstersas“thebestsincesinceScaryMon- bereleasedonMarch11onRCA.The ritiesintoaswimmingpool. Perhaps the somethingstill verymuch up fordebate— Still, youcannot fault ITV1’sballs: if about Selfridges. Shehad become excited might be about an assassination, so sowewouldn’trecognisehim.” sters”. They also have another joke.“Every singleWhereAre TheyNow?is exclamation-mark wasthere to indicate then it is the result of ameetingduringthe washitting anyone’severmanagedtopad out five aboutitsnovelty. everyone gets in that mood. None of the As forBowie’sown sexuality(in the time we go intothe studio,wesay,‘This availableoniTunes. the “celebritynature” of said splashes. Olympicswhere someone at ITV1 went, people jumpingintoapoolfor longer than “Iratherlikebeingshownhowtodonew They would obviously be afar more excit- “AlotofpeoplefancyBritishbronzemedal- ‘Top Five Splash! managed—90 minutes —itmay things,”she eyebrowedatMrSelfridge’s ingsplashthan could ever be causedbya listTom Daley,don’t they? He’s likeHarry well be acase for Guinness WorldRecords teeth. “Especially by aman who knows muggle,civilian, orno-tail. Styles,butwet.Cananyonethinkof ashow Most to lookinto. whathe’sabout.” Interior. Day. Swimmingpool. format in less than aminutewhich will Lamentable’ Next week’scontestants includelong- NO MRSELFRIDGE!Theviewershout- Aman in ablindfoldsits on achair. allow us to put him on prime-time, in hairedIrishgardener Diarmuid Gavin, ed.DON’T SHAGLADYMAE! Have you Behind him, TV presenter Jenni Falconer clingytrunks?” easily andEddie“TheEagle”Edwards.Youknow forgottenyour lovely understandingwife jumps intoaswimming-pool. There is a Recruited,then, to coach the celebrities, what? Staringatthose names, I’vehad a —Mrs Selfridge —and your daughter, LoudSplash. Daley rocked up seven minutes intothe suddenbrain-spasm, and can’ttell if I’ve Miss Selfridge? Don’t upset her so much BLINDFOLDED MAN,immediately: show,andshoweduswhy—despitehishot- justmadethat up or not. Ithink those are shehas to open her own shop selling Celebrity. Celebritysplash. Easily D-list. ness —hewas merely the coach, and not real facts. Idon’t think I’m lying. But post- slightlysluttyoutfits!!!!!! Deffo someone who’s done at least All Star tasked with hostingthe show,and doingall Splash!,it’ssohard to tell. Mr Selfridge wanted,desperately,tobe Family Fortunes —ifnot All Star Mr &Mrs thetalky-talky. At the end of the day, Splash! wasashow some manner of Downton Haberdashery. aswell.It’s not—it’snotCarol Smillie,isit? “When Istepout poolside,”hesaid, in a about makingcelebritiesfall, head-first, What it wasinstead was Upstairs, Down- PRESENTER VERNONKAYE: Close! gill-likemonotone, “Icansmellthe...” intoapool, that had celebritiesfalling, stairs,First Floor Perfumery, Stationeryand You’resoclose!It is,infact,JenniFalconer! He paused. Iabsolutely,without ashad- head-first,intoapool.Itgaveuseverything LeatherGoods —GoingUp. BLINDFOLDED MAN,takingblind- ow of adoubt,expectedhim to sayeither itsaidit would. Yes, we had all the lavish period cos- foldoff:Ialwaysget them mixed up! Nadg- “expectation”or“glory”.Definitely,100 tumes, boot-buttoners, cheeky urchins, ers.NADGERS! percent,“expectation”or“glory”. Mr Selfridge, on the other hand — imperious poshoes, phaetons, gas-lamps, The bizarreness of the format wasper- “Chlorine,”hefinished. Sundaynight’s bigchocolate-boxdrama corsetsandlorgnettes,bangontime.Sadly, fectly encapsulated in the outfit worn by Having finishedwith the talky-talky,the —signallyfailedtodothis. however,inthe middle of all this, someone theaforementionedVernonKaye. show gotDaley to do abig olddive, then What it had pledgedus, duringits heavy had forgottenascript. And with the first Understandably confusedastothedress climb out of the pool—readjustinghis campaign of prime-time trails, wasentry episodeshowingSelfridgesasstill little codefor frontingashow set in amassive cruet-set from the impact of the water, intoaworld likenoother—1909,whenthe more than abuildingsite, they couldn’t swimmingpool—there are precious few which appearedtohavemadeeverything newly-openedSelfridges&Cowas by way even send alady’s maid to Selfridges’ “Bet- precedents —Kayehad opted foracasual rotate45degrees. of Willy Wonka’sChocolateFactory for terScripts”department,tobuy anew one. shirt, espadrilles, and then apair of trou- And that was, sadly,the last time we saw people who wanted to buy silk lingerie and There were no lovely trackingshots of sers that appearedtobethe bottomhalf of Daleyintrunks.Fortherestoftheshow,he sexyhats; to walk through its doors wasto fancygoods.Therewerenoshags.Justalot amorning-suit,sawnoff at the knee. The wasdressedinshorts and aT-shirt, and enter agoldenworld of impossible wonder of cutaways to the buildingsiteand, once, over-allimagewas“smart-casuallifeguard briefly glimpsedclappingina“supportive” and dazzle, and to work there wastobeina forone second, someone touchingsome- getsmarried”. wayasthe celebritiesdived.Dove. Doved. hot-bedofsexual intrigue and extra-mari- oneonthekneeinalift. “The atmosphere here in Luton is elec- Whateveritis. love for sale Mr and talaffairs. In summation: Mr Selfridge —Ihope tric!” he said, with the air of aman who As the diving guestlistunfolded, youdid MrsSelfridge on ITV1 I’ll be honest:Iwanted to see some fox- ITV1keptthereceipt.