volume 12 - issue 12 - tuesday, november 27, 2012 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com

by patrickmurphy A few weeks back I found myself in quite the dilemma. It was around 9:30 am on a Th ursday and I had to be across cam- pus for a calculus test in half an hour. My morning routine had been pushed back by about one hour due to staying up till 3:00 am cramming equations and fi nishing some long overdue MyMathLab assign- ments. Th e problem with my morning rou- tine, as I’m sure is true with those of many other people, is that I have crucial tasks to perform in order to set myself up for a productive day. Th e arguable keystone of my wakeup regimen would have to be my morning bowel movement. Usually taking place before my shower, and minutes aft er the initial roll out of bed, this action is my morning cup of joe. It helps me wake up and just gives me a moment to contemplate the events of the day to come. However, this fateful Th ursday morning was rushed, and due to that I had to gauge the value of each task I would normally perform. By by phoebefooks chance, I skipped my crucial poop. Normally this would be a huge prob- By now you’ve all probably heard Jane’s status in the US. Th e actual fates of weed-smokers and lem—for I just put off one of the most basic enough about the recent election, especial- Both the new laws in Colorado and growers in these states will be much less of human functions! As it turned out, the ly from us. Now that the big day has come Washington will allow personal use of mar- hazy aft er the legislation is certifi ed (or not) pressure and anxiety caused by the need and gone, the majority of you hippies have ijuana for adults aged 21 and older. With on December 6th. Th is is where the federal to defecate made me fi nish my math test exhaled your sighs of relief, and those who Colorado’s Amendment 64, adults will be government comes in to play, as marijuana earlier than most of the class. As I left the haven’t have gritted their teeth, knowing allowed to cultivate up to six plants at a is still considered a drug as addictive and class and hurried towards the bathroom on that life will go on. It will. But as another time, possess up to one ounce at a time, and dangerous as heroin in the eyes of Uncle the second fl oor of Votey, I went over in my result of the 2012 election, Sam. Th e Obama administration mind each problem and felt incredibly con- life may go on a little diff er- the reality is that most voters, whether can choose to either let the states fi dent about my answers. In about a week’s ently for residents of Colorado do their own thing or sue to stop time I would learn that many of my class- and Washington. Ah, now you they condone the use of marijuana or not, the legislation. Even if the federal mates received scores below a ten on this know what I’m talking about. want it to be regulated. they want police government decides to certify the 100-point test, and I got a B+. Now what Weed, man. new laws next week, Colorado is was it that set me aside from my peers? So whether the message offi cers to focus their attention on more still half a year away from cre- Was it my study habits? Doubtful, since I came through watching election serious crimes. ating a framework for the con- crammed all of the material the night be- night coverage, a Tweet from trolled sale of marijuana, and fore. I give much of the credit to the fecal some news service that caught Washington has nothing of that matter and urine fl oating around my sys- your eye, simple word of mouth, or via a give, not sell, up to one ounce to another nature in its plans. It could be a year before tem at the time. Facebook status posted by your Internet- adult. Washington’s Measure 502 bears a we see pot shops like those in Amsterdam Th is strange event made me recall an novice uncle (the fi rst time the family has similar framework but it will not permit opening up in ‘Rado. According to an ar- article I read about a year ago about people heard from him since he moved to Boulder people to grow their own cannabis plants ticle in Time magazine, economists are holding in their urine and then being tested aft er your grandma threw her cane at him until further legislation, aimed to be com- actually predicting that legalization could on compounding interest and problems re- for smoking weed in the church’s bathroom pleted in about a year, is worked out,. Even cause prices to rise, as strict legal growing garding self-control. Th e study found that at your cousin’s wedding ), most of us have then, Washington adults will need to apply restrictions would not allow supply to meet people who are pressed to pee, on average, gotten the memo that weed is now “legal” and pay for a license to cultivate plants. Th e demand. make better decisions with their money in two of our country’s states. But hold on unregulated sale of marijuana and its use Giving Colorado and Washington and also with self-control in general. So did to your “fuck yeahs”, fi st bumps, and cel- in public will still be banned in both states, their blessing would be bold move for the this study apply to my situation? I think so. ebratory grav-bong rips for a hot second. but what’s notable is that the freedoms Obama adminstration, but may not be as Although the study did not test the accu- What most of us haven’t heard about are granted by these laws are not limited to in- far-fetched as one would think. Obama has racy in educational testing of students hav- the true details behind these new laws, and state residents, but are granted visitors as endorsed decriminalization in the past, ing to urinate/defecate, I believe that their what they will mean for the future of Mary well. Road trip anyone? and the demographic behind those who fi ndings could be extrapolated as such. ... read the rest on page 3 ...read the rest on page 6

mr. crepe the virtues of wine winter fashion fi ghts good kid, m.A.A.d city by staceybrandt by kerrymartin by lizcantrell by michaelstorace news ticker: Marine snails under threat in Antarctica.+++ Oklahoma judge sentences 17 year old to attend church for 10 years.+++ French village, Bugarach, preps for Mayan doomsday. g

by jamesaglio by georgeloftus and dannissim Newsworthy events occur at rough- ciously. Take the most recent episode: Is- with georgeloftus Dan’s bit: The Halo franchise is one of drive for the next few months because of ly the same rate, whether or not UVM is rael assassinates Ahmed Jabari, the head in session. Thus, although last week was honcho for the Gaza branch of Hamas, Dear , the best-selling game franchises of all time. the enormous amount of content 343i has readers Ireland- Savita Halappanava was rushed to the hospital just a few weeks ago Since its launch in 2001, Halo games have packed into the game. There are a series Thanksgiving and there was no water and then rockets are traded back and forth where she was diagnosed with a miscarriage. Her baby still had a heartbeat how- reeled in over $3 billion for Microsoft. The of Easter eggs in the campaign that pro- tower published, plenty happened that over a week long period. Now I watched ever, and the Irish doctors refused to terminate the pregnancy while it was still latest installment, Halo 4, made over $220 vide a back-story to the Forerunners; you really ought to be talked about. So here’s a very upset representative of the Israeli Alas, the blistering winds of November will soon yield to the even more technically “alive” even though there was no means to save it/have a viable birth. blistering winds of December. You know what that means. Send us your million on launch day and looks to be the have control over character customizations a little recap of some things that may have government nearly cry on television while Ireland, you’re a developed country and it’s 2012; pull your head out of your ass. hot-seller this coming holiday season. To (armor, abilities, upgrades); and there is a gone unnoticed as a result of either exces- explaining that Hamas wanted to eradicate best Beardvember, Movember, No-Shave November, (or whatever label you This is not ok. choose to describe hair grown in the eleventh month) photos, and we will any non-gamers, Halo is known for two new mode called Spartan Ops where each sive amounts of gravy being consumed or the Israelis, but it’s difficult to take that at judge them. We’ll publish the sexiest, creepiest, steeziest, Russian-bear-iest things: compelling storyline and rich mul- week 343i will release a new episode with the inexplicable media frenzy over the fact face value when you compare the civilian Black Thursday: More and more stars are trying to get a leg up on their compe- tiplayer. At its core, Halo is about human- five chapters and a cutscene to advance the that Gangam Style is now the most watched casualties, at least 90 dead Palestinians ver- photos in our last issue of the semester, and you’ll have a chance at the ev- tition by offering black friday sales earlier, even at 8pm on Thanksgiving night. erlasting fame you’ve been thirsting for. We’ll leave you with this thought: ity’s striving for survival and the war that story. The gameplay isn’t very exciting, but and liked video on Youtube. sus 4 dead Israelis. Now, reading those pre- What the hell? It’s “Thanksgiving”, not “ThanksforshoppingatWalMart...iving”. ensues. the idea of continuous additional content vious statements, one might be inclined to “There is always a period when a man with a beard shaves it off. This period This is ridiculous! Be with your family, people! Do you NEED to get a new tablet does not last. He returns headlong to his beard.”- Jean Cocteau. It’s been over five years since we last has got me giddy as a schoolboy. EGYPT believe that I’m anti-Israel or pro-Palestine at 15% off? No. You don’t need a tablet period. Appreciate your fucking family, picked up our controllers as Master Chief, Halo 4 is every bit the game I was hop- Egyptian President Mohammed Mur- or whatever. The truth, however, is that the you plebians. Onward, and that’s five years too long. I will just ing for and then some. It’s a good thing my si has decreed that it is unlawful for any James and Liz come out and say this: Halo 4 delivers in first semester grades are high because you entity, particularly the judiciary, to chal- Marvel NOW- in an effort to realign their comics with their successful movie all aspects. There’s more story, new char- can say goodbye to homework for the next lenge presidential authority. Mursi and his “following events in franchises, Marvel is ending long-running series in favor of new number one is- acters, and more guns. We pick up the few weeks. Sorry for wasting your tuition spokespeople say it is for the good of the gaza is like watching sues, coming out sporadically between now and next February. Among the casu- campaign with Master Chief just coming money, Mom and Dad. Egyptians, but it also poses some pretty in- children run two alties? Ed Brubaker and Steve Epting’s landmark 7 year run on Captain America, out of cryogenic sleep. Everything is up- George’s bit: Halo 4 shouldn’t be as teresting obstacles to pretending Egypt is Matt Fraction and Salvador Larroca’s 4 year run on The Invincible Iron Man (a going to have anything resembling a demo- governments. it’s too graded in Halo 4: better visuals, new heads good as it is. Bungie developed and refined Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and fight the series more like the movie than you’d ever imagine), and Brian Michael Bendis’ 8 up display, and the game sounds simply this modern, first person shooter over the cratic government. The Supreme Judicial bad these children have power. But most of the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts on anything in this year run being the architect of everything Avengers, including New Avengers #1, orgasmic. Each falling bullet, each bounc- course of four games. The only game that Council has called for protests and Egyp- week’s issue to the comic that got me into comics. It’s the end of an era, and new creators certainly ing grenade, and each screaming gamer 343i developed before this one is a remake tians on both sides of the issue have begun rockets.” [email protected] have their work cut out for them. (oh wait, that’s me) makes a unique sound of the original, and even that wasn’t much to riot, as they are wont to do these days. captured masterfully by the team at 343 In- more than putting a new shade of paint on Either way things end up, this provides a Palestinians are also not looking to hot. Contact- I just watched this movie again because I forgot how much it pissed me dustries. an old (awesome) shed. new plot twist to the continuing soap opera Whether smuggling guns from Africa into off the first time. Really? The alien is her goddamn father? FUCK YOU, JODIE This is the first Halo first person But Halo 4 is that good. Not since Halo that is the Egyptian political revolution. Gaza or mounting violence against Israeli FOSTER! shooter (FPS) to be developed by a studio 2 has a game so completely enthralled me. military personnel, it’s difficult not to un- the water tower. other than Bungie. I The story is top- PAKISTAN derstand why Israel feels as threatened as uvm’s alternative newsmag loved what Bungie did tier. You’d think af- A suicide bomber detonated himself it does. Following events in Gaza is like uvm.edu/~watertwr in defining the mold “ the storyline is ter six games in the and several nearby children in Dera Ismail watching children run two governments. ______Editorial Staff of the modern FPS, series (Halo 1, 2, Khan. The Taliban has taken credit for the It’s too bad these children have rockets. Editors-in-Chief game-changing— but I’m confident that 3, 3: ODST, Wars, attacks, and claims there are 20 bombers James Aglio currently dispatched throughout Pakistan. THAILAND Liz Cantrell the Halo mantle is prepare to get mind and Reach) that safe with 343i. What things could get a The attack, as with most Taliban attacks In the past year it has been fashion- News Editor against Muslims, was targeted against Shia able to focus on anti-government protests Kerry Martin with kerrymartin we’re seeing today is fucked about halfway little stale, but they the back and forth be- don’t. This new Muslims, who were in the midst of a reli- in Middle Eastern countries. But riots hap- Around Town Editor tween the Call of Duty in.” chapter thankfully gious festival at the time. Contrary to ex- pen elsewhere in the world. Take Thailand, George Loftus “Israelis must realize that we don’t accept this aggression…it could only franchise and the shifts the focus pectations, most of the victims were Sunni for instance, where a demonstration got Reflections Editor Halo franchise. Halo 4 has borrowed some off of Master Chief and fully onto his best Muslims, but the Taliban does not seem too disorderly enough that police fired tear gas Phoebe Fooks lead to instability in the region and has a major negative impact on sta- of Call of Duty’s features with loadouts and friend Cortana, my personal favorite char- upset about that fact. into the crowd of 10,000 after an attempt Fashion Editor perk-like upgrades. I welcome this change acter in the Halo saga. was made by the protesters to breach the Sarah Perda bility and security.” and hope that these games will continue to The gunplay has been refined, the GAZA barriers. The protest, organized by a group -Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi denouncing the Israeli government, before helping negotiate the ceasefire between Israel one-up each other, creating better games sounds rerecorded to perfection, and the The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has called Pitak Siam, is attempting to force out Fork It Over Editor and the Hamas-controlled Gaza Strip. After eight days of fighting, causing six Israeli and 160 Palestinian deaths, the rocket fire have gone on for so many decades that, despite the government of Yingluck Shinawatra. Jamie Beckett for the players. level design is second to none. In no other stopped, the issues remain unresolved, and each side waits for someone to break the awkward silence. The campaign was short; my room- first person shooter have vehicles worked the fairly awful pretenses that both sides Interestingly, however, in addition to the Créatif Stuffé Editor mate and I beat the game on legendary in so well, even in games where vehicles are give for the conflict, the fighting is now usual claims of corruption et cetera, Pitak Josh Hegarty about seven hours. What we get with Halo a focus. I understand that Call of Duty: more habitual than anything else. Hyper- Siam also claims that Yingluck’s govern- Tunes Editor “You can imagine for somebody making “It just freaked me out when it stood up on 4 is a whole new world (literally). With Black Ops II will undoubtedly sell the most bole, obviously, but in the ongoing rhetoric, ment does not do enough to combat insults Dylan McCarthy $25,000 or $30,000 or $35,000 a year, be- its back legs and like wrapped its front legs the Forerunner planet—Requiem—there copies of any game this year, but that’s a supporters of both sides tend to claim that to the monarchy of Thailand. We become Humor Editor are both familiar textures and absolutely shame: Halo 4 deserves more attention and one faction is right and the other is wrong, so used to the same old song of the people Collin Cappelle ing told you’re now going to get free health around me and pulled me off.” stunning new landscapes. Along the cam- praise than it’s getting. The varying enemy whereas the obvious conclusion that any rising up against autocrats that it’s a little care, particularly if you don’t have it... this -Jackson Gessel, a 14-year-old paperboy who got pursued, knocked paign you go through lush jungles, intri- types and three sets of weapons require reasonable person would draw from the refreshing to see them rise up in defense of Copy Editor off his bike, and chased up a tree by a black goat named Voldemort, evidence is that both groups behave atro- one. g Laura Greenwood cate alien structures, and gorgeous vistas. more strategy than any other shooter out is huge.” a neighborhood family pet that had gotten loose. Gessel described It feels like the same hold Halo, but this is a there, forcing the player to not just spray ______Staff Writers -Mitt Romney, in a post-election conference call, debriefing the goat as “possessed,” but Voldemort’s proud owners jokingly Ben Donovan his unpopularity in demographics like Blacks, Latinos, and the completely new experience. The storyline and pray, but genuinely think about his ap- Laura Frangipane described Gessel as “the boy who lived.” is game-changing—prepare to get mind- proach to every engagement. Cait O’Hara youth. After months of denying his disregard for the poorest Katja Ritchie 47% of Americans, these people caused Romney’s whole world fucked about halfway in. The ending has Halo 4 takes every element of the se- Sage Bierman to collapse, driving Mitt to accept his hubris and gouge out his the perfect mixture of drama and uncer- ries to date, refines it, and pushes it forward Rebecca Laurion own eyes with his flag pin. tainty leaving room for the next two games with a mastery you’d never expect from a WEED-continued from page 1 Stacey Brandt in the Reclaimer trilogy. technically unproven developer. With free Beth Ziehl Michael Storace Multiplayer is more of the familiar—a DLC coming weekly to Xbox LIVE mem- support drug-law reform is surprisingly that regulation would, in fact, shy danger- ______Art Staff “Morsi today usurped all state powers and appointed himself Egypt’s new pharaoh. A major lot more. Prepare to spend hours playing bers and unlimited multiplayer as long as diverse. In Washington, 39 percent of re- ous “laced” strains of marijuana away from Art Editor blow to the revolution that could have dire consequences.” through games of old favorites such Slayer you pay your subscription, Halo 4 is the publican voters and 45 percent of seniors the hands of teens. Plus, legally putting pot Malcolm Valaitis -Mohamed ElBaradei, an Egyptian law scholar and Nobel Peace Prize laureate, brooding over President Morsi’s power grab. Shortly af- Kitty Faraji and Capture the Flag, as well as new modes game that keeps on giving. voted in favor of Measure 502; Amendment on the same level as alcohol makes more ter aiding in the Israel-Palestine ceasefire, Morsi declared himself immune from judicial oversight, demanded the retrial of his autocratic such as Dominion and Flood. Verdict: Must Buy. g 64 received 50 thousand more votes than sense than having the infinitely more dead- Art Staff predecessor Hosni Mubarak, and purged the last Mubarak-era justices from his government. Steve Martin updated his “King Tut” dance Halo 4 will make its home in your disc Obama in Colorado. ly of the two closer to the hands of minors. Caney Demars to include goose-stepping. The reality is that most voters, whether Prohibition didn’t work, blah blah— you’ve Ben Berrick Tenzin Chophel they condone the use of marijuana or not, heard all the arguments. Katharine Longfellow the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. want it to be regulated. They want police To be blunt, Amendment 64 and Mea- Kevin Kennedy officers to focus their attention on more sure 502 are by no means a pipe dream for Mariel Brown-Fallon contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a serious crimes, and with ounces of quality advocates of marijuana legalization, but Lauryn Schrom crossroads. With sincerity and Amelia Garrison Letters to the Editor/General B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists pot selling for as much as a share in Apple, they are certainly a step in the right direc- [email protected] Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome humor, we strive to make you they want the tax revenue. The reform’s tion. The decision to certify will be made Layout Staff Editors-in-Chief: Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings reexamine, investigate, question, opponents claim that the drug’s higher ac- next Thursday, December 6 and will show Dan Nissim [email protected] L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm learn, and maybe pee your pants cessibility will lead to increased use among us how seriously, or not seriously, Martine Wong Advertising: Old Mill Annex - Main Lobby Chittenden Bank Room along the way. We are the reason minors, who are now smoking more weed the federal government is listen- ______Special Thanks To [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Davis Center - 4th Floor people can’t wait for Tuesday. UVM Art Department Digital Lab We are the water tower. than ever before, according to a 2011 New ing to the changing opinions of the Williams - Inside Steps Or send us an email g Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr York Times study However, supporters say American electorate. You might have seen some of these fierce facial formations (below) around campus in the last month. the water tower salutes you all, and reminds you to send in your beard photos for the annual Beardvember competition! Hit us up at thewa- [email protected], and the winners will be published in our last issue on Tuesday December 4.

by rebeccalaurion

I think it’s safe to say the average UVM student has a not kidding, it’s amazing. And don’t give massive hippie boner for anything to do with organic or all me that “oh, but I’m tired,” bullshit. They’re natural, local products. So it’s no surprise that City Market open til early afternoon, and even have an downtown is as popular as it is, given that the Co-op prac- indoor market during the winter. Just check tically screams eco friendly. However, at the risk of being out their website for the location. shot in my sleep, I have to say that I find City Market a bit But it’s not just food. City Market offers overrated. Not only are the products overpriced (I’ve heard all natural beauty products as well. I think the Co-op be fondly referred to as ‘City Mark-Up, as well it’s great that unnecessary artificial materi- as ‘Shitty Market’), but also in my experience comparable als don’t have to be a part of your hygiene quality can be found elsewhere. regimen, especially when it comes to cos- I totally understand the desire for environmentally metics, lotions and soaps. But I have to be responsible products with natural ingredients, believe me. honest: I draw the line at deodorant and But seriously, it’s hella costly to live a totally green lifestyle, toothpaste. Newsflash: fluoride free tooth- and City Market isn’t helping. If you’re looking for cheaper pastes do nothing for your teeth, ask any but still local and natural food, go to the Farmer’s Market dentist who didn’t get their degree online. Market every week, go for it, I’m not going to stop you. on the weekends. You’re buying directly from the farmers, And all-natural deodorants do not work. They fade really But on a college student’s budget, it simply isn’t realistic. how can you not love that? Plus, there’s more variety and fast, and you’ll just end up a sweaty, smelly mess despite I’d love to be more eco-friendly, but it’s just not possible, your efforts. Unless you have magical glands or something, and unfortunately I have to go with the brand names at in which case clearly this article isn’t for you. But if you’re Hannaford just so I don’t have to ration out grains of rice “it’s hella costly to live a normal human being, walk the few extra feet to Rite Aid everyday. Every once in a while it’s a great treat to grab a and save yourself a few extra bucks by picking up some samosa or some tofu meals I can pop in a microwave, but a totally green lifestyle, Crest or Old Spice. You’ll smell much better, and your wal- for the most part I try to avoid City Market as much as pos- let will thank you. sible, for the sake of my bank account if nothing else, even and city market isn’t But if it’s really irking you that you can’t be as eco- if it pains me to not be able to stock up on bulk granola friendly as you’d like with your shopping, try other ways, if week after week. I’m not saying the Co-op is evil or should helping” your conscience so desperately needs to be soothed. Take be destroyed, far from it. I appreciate what they’re trying to shorter showers (but for god’s sake make sure you’re clean), do; I just wish they were more affordable. turn the lights off when you really don’t need them, and But until that happens, I’ll just wake up early on Sat- some cool and unusual products that you can’t find any- keep on composting and recycling. And don’t forget to hug urdays for chocolate croissants, and maple flavored every- where else. Don’t believe me? Get your ass up on Saturday a tree once in awhile. They need love too. thing. But I’ll leave the cricket booth to the rest of you. g morning and try some maple syrup infused lemonade. I’m Look, if you can afford to get your groceries at City

by staceybrandt Last Sunday afternoon, after waking up late with the sweetest variety laced with Belgian dark chocolate and companion decided on the homemade granola parfait with headaches and pits to fill in our stomachs, I strolled down strawberries to the savory “Super Crepes” packed with plain yogurt and fresh strawberries. When the food arrived Church Street in the company of two cohorts. I was expe- sausage, peppers, caramelized onions, and pepper jack I was pleasantly surprised that unlike the sparsely filled Are you not getting enough of your weekly wt? riencing what I would refer to as a “stubborn pallet”. Wres- cheese (cue uncontrollable salivation). And for you more crepes served at the Skinny Pancakes (I guess they want Need a distraction from looming finals? Find us tling with the existential question of Breakfast or Lunch sophisticated, crêpe connoisseurs there is a special “Gour- their customers skinny as well), these crepes were much on the interwebs, and get inside us the other six as the sun sank deceptively low for 1pm (Really? Are we met” section boasting fillings of apple slices, grapes, and less weight conscious. that close to the Arctic Circle?), I wisely suggested Brunch. warm brie. Pair that with a glass from the beer and wine Significantly larger and thicker than a slice of a pizza, days of the week: One of my dining companions recalled a new crepe place menu, and you can successfully pretend like you, a college the nicely browned and mildly crispy cake folded around a (crêperie for you Français arrogants) at the end of Church student who unapologetically fiends off ramen, have some generous portion of ingredients. The eggs inside my crepe tweet us: http://twitter.com/thewatertower Street, so we shuffled in that direction as fast as our hun- class and decency. were cooked perfectly and worked well with the sharp- gover bodies could manage. ness of the cheese melted into sweet tomato chunks and facebook us: http://www.facebook.com/thewa- “Mr. Crêpe” is not only the namesake of the new fragrant basil. The contents were balanced nicely by a bed crepe/espresso cafe, he is also the delightfully dandy crepe “it felt like a fat guy was of spinach leaves. My partner’s creation was loaded with tertower character smiling down from a humble sign out in front of tender chicken and a good smothering of garlicky pesto the shop. The name Mr. Crêpe told me two things about slapping me in the face spread. Lastly, the homemade granola was crunchy and read more from us: http://thewatertower.tumblr. my dining experience: first, that it will be relatively classy sweet with honey and coconut, but difficult to find under com because crepe is spelled with the oh-so-French accent cir- with a giant crepe over an overwhelming pillow of yogurt. cumflex, and secondly being half-American (hence Mr. and over—and i enjoyed Upon casually clearing our dishes in the compost bin, read our old issues: http://uvm.edu/~watertwr not Monsieur), my food will be less ridiculously priced. I I wished I had indulged in an espresso or croissant. The was spot on. every second of it.” place was quite empty throughout our visit, but I predict Walking into the place, its striking cleanliness—all the lines to be out the door once word gets out. If you want stainless steel and hard wood—made its “new kid” status to eat French, but the portions are too wimpy for your incredibly apparent. Skeptical of how Mr. Crêpe (if that is American-sized appetite and the price is too hefty for your his real name) would match up against his clear competi- As if the extensive variety of preconceived crepe cre- college-sized wallet, I would head over to Mr. Crêpe. You tor and comparative old-timer, The Skinny Pancake, we ations were not enough, I decided to create my own. Start- will find fairly priced food, big portions, and a clean at- grabbed some menus and seated ourselves. Scanning the ing with the standard spinach, tomato, basil crepe, I bulked mosphere. In short, Mr. Crêpe’s got it going on; The choices, it felt as if a fat guy was slapping me in the face mine up with a crispy, omelet-style egg and sharp cheddar Skinny Pancake needs to step up its game. g with a giant crepe over and over—and I enjoyed every sec- cheese. One friend went the gourmet route with chicken, ond of it. Our eyes feasted on the plethora of crepes from pesto, spinach, and Swiss. My other, weight-conscience by rebeccalaurion It’s no secret that college students ing to pay, but if you fuck it up, it’s your aren’t the most mature beings on the fault. No matter whether you’re living by kerrymartin planet. I get proof of this every time I on or off campus, Mum and Dad simply leave my room on the weekends or just aren’t there to hold your hand anymore. I remember the first time I ever drank Fran- Pinpointing where a wine is from can be as tion or mastery (or pedantry); it can be light- whenever the sun goes down on any day And when it comes to relationships, zia. I was a junior in high school, nosing through simple or as complicated as identifying where hearted and social, a casual chat between men, of the week. It’s this weird sort of vampir- I’ll definitely agree that college students rooms at my friend’s house party, twisted and di- a man or woman is from. Sometimes it’s easy: women, and a bottle. A sweet Riesling to wash ism where students are zombies during don’t take them very seriously a lot of the rectionless, when I stumbled across a pair of my after driving up and down rolling hills under down a picnic of bread, cheese, and peaches in a the day and turn into obnoxious drunken time. But I know plenty of couples that giggling companions. No sooner could I inquire the nourishing sun, forgetting yourself as you mountainside meadow with fragrant wildflow- idiots at night. In related news, I’m be- have been together for years, even before where they had just swapped fluids when the girl fall into the panoramic portrait of a vineyard, ers, mating dragonflies, and a view to match coming a hermit. college began. Sure, there is a prevalence extended to me a half-empty Solo cup, its indus- you might find yourself at a quaint wine tasting, your date. Or a jug of rich Rioja passed around But taking that into consideration, it’s of casual fondling, given that we live trial red plastic clashing with the crimson liquid sampling whites and reds at temperature and a group of young stowaways, taking deep swigs a bit much to claim that we aren’t adults. I in a culture that promotes hooking up, inside. I sipped it and laughed. setting in which they ought to be served, breath- and sharing long stories as they ride atop a box- actually know a good amount of students but there are plenty of mature, commit- “What is this shit, Manishevitz?” ing the fragrances of the grapes the wines came car that spews steam and chugs along under the who would certainly fit the general idea ted relationships to balance them out. by michaelstorace “It’s Franzia, shithead. The box is down- from and the oaken casks they grew up in. When infinite stars. Burn the labels and drink up, be- of what an adult According to a stairs.” you look further than your local liquor store, it cause some wines are important for the year they should be. Hon- “how many adults do you recent study by This shocked me for a number of reasons. becomes easy to draw a connection between the were grown, but the best ones are more memo- estly sometimes The American The latest installment in the James Adele sings the theme song… almost exactly the end result, and can rely Not only had I just gotten reprimanded for my wine and the land. Even when you drive away rable for the night they were opened, and the I’m concerned know who act responsibly and College Health Bond saga (Can we call a twenty-three film Skyfall, however, does not remain upon a number of scenarios. For one, Bond inability to distinguish be- company that that my room- professionally one hundred Association Na- series a saga?) marks the second flick in a without fault. I agree with critics that a se- will pull off dangerous stunts and always tween two different sneak- got to enjoy mate is actually tional College row to depart from Ian Fleming’s original ries departing from Fleming’s novels and live. Unfortunately these scenarios are rela- ily alcoholic high fructose them. thirty years old, percent of the time? besides Health Assess- espionage series. Skyfall, however, succeeds devoid of significant cohesion cannot last. tively unrealistic. Skyfall does not present grape syrups, but I was also “Do you because that girl dentists” ment, about 52 where Quantum of Solace failed. Bond movies tend to exist independently an exception to the rule, and Bond un- jarred by her use of “box” as remember our has her shit to- percent of the On a Saturday night, I cashed in on a in and of themselves. Although this has dergoes several, including in the opening a unit of measure for wine. senior prom, gether--it’s hella participants were free movie ticket and made my way to the been entertaining in the past, it will not scene, in which he definitely should have I scoffed and left the couple when you and intimidating. But she’s not the only one. in a relationship, and about half the par- very first row where my friends died. alone, feeling classier. Did I I escaped the Plenty of us are holding down jobs with ticipants had reported having ‘hooked and I craned our necks to watch Secondly, Bond villains are get laid that night? Not im- dance and regular hours every week (and for awhile up’ in the past month. If this survey is to Sam Mendes’ take on Bond. “it appears that the bond series characterized by fatalistic inac- portant. shared that I was one of these people, until my GPA be believed (and I’m definitely going to The Academy Award winning has reached a damned-if-you-do, tion. Bond will always be caught, But I can’t remember bottle of wine decided to jump off a roof). For the most because it totally backs me up), then it director of American Beauty and villains will always have the the first time I ever drank in the middle part, however, school is our full-time job. seems there are just as many, if not more, did not disappoint. Combined damned-if-you-don’t situation that opportunity to kill him, but won’t. wine. In a way, I’ve soaked of our empty And I doubt you could find someone on students on college campuses who aren’t with Daniel Craig’s stylish yet Bond will escape and ultimately in it my entire life. To this football stadi- campus that would think it’s an easy gig. just bumpin’ uglies at every opportunity. refined style,Skyfall does a va- will inevitably end the franchise.” kill the villain. Skyfall is not as day, my mom gives me um, cuddling On top of maintaining a GPA that So yeah, I get it. We can be imma- riety of new things for the Bond formulaic as what I have just de- enough grief about the nine on that blan- will hopefully prevent homelessness and ture, whiny little bitches sometimes, but series. It introduces a young Q, scribed, however, Bond is cap- months she carried me in ket and trying trying not to get food poisoning from the how many adults do you know who act exposes the aloof MI6, brings tured at one point and once again her womb that I have no to guess what Grundle, tons of us are currently or plan- responsibly and professionally one hun- into question the fate of M as the organi- succeed in the future. Bond has also failed should have died. doubt there were days when facial expres- ning to move off campus. And in case you dred percent of the time? Besides den- zation’s historically unquestioned leader, when attempting to continue plot across Altogether, Skyfall presents a fantastic Embryonic Kerry kicked sions the moon didn’t know, that’s a huge deal. It entails tists, those poor sods. But to claim that and it explores the nature of evil in a way multiple movies, as shown by Quantum of installment in a doomed series. It does not Mom’s uterus hard enough was making?” entering a financial contract where if you we’re glorified teenagers living in a bub- that no Bond movie has done before. One Solace. It appears that the Bond series has top that of Casino Royale, but proves supe- to make her go home and “ Y e a h , don’t pay the rent or you punch a hole in ble is to undermine the maturity we have of its main strengths is the casting of Javier reached a damned-if-you-do, damned-if- rior to many Bond movies of the past. If pour herself a healthy glass but do you re- the wall, that shit’s going to follow you reached. I don’t know anyone who feels Bardem of No Country for Old Men as the you-don’t situation that will inevitably end you like Daniel Craig in the Bond movies, of Chardonnay. And once member what around anytime you try to get a home like they haven’t changed at all in terms villain, Raoul Silva. Here Skyfall takes a leaf the franchise. I would also recommend the movie Layer she popped me out, two else we did on in the future. This also means learning of maturity and responsibility since high out of The Dark Knight’s book, in crafting a Skyfall aside, Bond movies contain in- Cake. Takeaway: if you like Bond movies, weeks later than expected, that blanket?” to budget (not just for weed and booze), school. We’re in a state of transition, yes. villain of substance, instead of just another herent problems. The most glaring of these go see the newest, because it may present then it was time to blow off Now we’re making and providing your own food But we’re far closer to the adult end of forgettable supervillian. And did I mention is that they are formulaic. Viewers know the franchise’s final success.g some steam. But Baby Ker- in college, and and paying for things like electricity and the spectrum than the teenager, and not ry cried enough that it was apart from this heating, which we’ve never had to worry just because our lives more often than not in all our best interest for Franzia stuff about before. Mum and Dad may be help- would earn an R rating. g her to turn her breast milk I mentioned, into a Merlot Float. with a case that cost a fifth of the retail price in wine is relatively absent from our lives. The “Kerry, stop.” your trunk, leaving the brushstrokes behind, steady stream of Rolling Rock, Admiral Nel- “I’m only being real, Mom.” you’ll pull those bottles from your cellar five son’s, and Natty Lite blend the nights together, POOP-continued from page 1 Seriously, though, my parents are proud years later for your thirtieth wedding anniversa- and we’ve learned to rely on our friends to keep winos. Perhaps it’s their Midwestern heritage: ry, and they’ll remain in the countryside, those each moment distinct and precious. When I go fine wine was a much-needed reminder that old friends who never left home. Other bottles, home, my family greets me with good food and Usually our impulse to make a deci- and farting when you have to fart, so the if you wanna pass it with minimal pain. As there are brighter places on Earth than the like other people, are harder to put a label on. better wine to wash it down, but I let the mo- sion on a test could be second-guessed validity of my suggestions are about as far as urination goes, keeping your urine American Midwest. Wine’s longevity has always “This is a 1941 Cabernet Sauvignon from ments slip by, knowing I’ll get my fair share of or doubted, but when having to pee, the backed up as I am after eating a carnitas in for too long can cause a urinary tract made it a feat of globalization, because unlike the Rubicon vineyards in the Napa Valley. This family dinners before I expire. But living in a big study found that we take just a little bit infection. perishable potables, a bottle of the good stuff can is just another astounding example of how Cab house with all your friends, whether it’s closer longer to evaluate our opportunities and “perhaps my human impulses So do the benefits outweigh the make it around the world and back and actually grapes have thrived in California. But it’s no sur- to Pearl Street Bev or the Grundle, is a joy and make more intelligent long-term deci- were stunted by my urgent risks? I honestly have no fucking idea. get tastier. That’s why two lovers in Chicago can prise: California’s climate is comparable to Bor- a privilege that often goes underappreciated. sions. Perhaps my human impulses were When you got to go, you got to go. Hold- share a glass of Zinfandel and dream of sunnier deaux’s, and I don’t have to tell you what kind of Your grandparents didn’t get you that corkscrew stunted by my urgent need to pee and I need to pee and i made more ing in my poop/pee for that entire test places where they might honeymoon, instead of wines have come from there.” for graduation so you could stick it up your ass. made more insightful decisions on my insightful decisions on my was so nerve-wracking, even though I the familiar, rainy place they call home. “Hmm, yes, indeed. And not to mention We’re all here, now. It’s time to celebrate. test knowing that in the long run, it would test” possibly made better decisions from it “Yes, sir, this right here is our local red, that 1941 was a most exceptional year, when “Kerry, who would even think to stick their be beneficial for me? It’s entirely possible, (seeing as I studied the same way for the made with grapes from Detroit and aged right Napa’s temperate days and nights nurtured the corkscrew up their ass?” and there’s no study to date refuting my next test and got a lower score). Psychol- down the road at the Robert Taylor Homes.” grapes to perfection—that’s a vintage bottle “That’s not important right now, the night speculations, so I’m gonna go with it. ogists do believe in the benefits of urine “Oh yes, mmm, that’s really quite nice. It’s you’re talking about. And that was before Fran- is young, and those bottles aren’t empty yet.”g Holding in your excretions Chipotle burrito with extra guac. Pro- withholding so it’s up to you. Go ahead dry, earthy, almost sweaty, with that coarse, die- cis Ford Coppola acquired Rubicon. Ché for- comes with risks as well. Gastro- longed retention of fecal matter results in and try to hold your pee in for your next sel aftertaste that hangs on the back of your pal- tuna!” enterologists usually recommend increased fluid absorption, which can lead test and see if your decision-making skills let. Magnificent!” But drinking wine doesn’t demand dedica- pooping when you have to poop to constipation. Gotta keep your shit moist are noticeably altered.g overheard a conversation in b-town? was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? tell the ear and we’ll print it. North Face v. Patagonia When I fi rst arrived I was unable to put on a smile uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html As a non-skier/snowboarder, I can’t off er I counted down the days til I returned home; meanwhile any advice in terms of shredding preference, I slowly grew well acquainted with you Da fi shbowl but I can say that both brands are obviously and you enlightened me to get over that issue Student: Well, I think you’re on cocaine. by lizcantrell quality. Th ese peeps know what they’re talking we were friends from the start about (Patagonia’s one of the coldest places in and I can’t believe it’ll soon be time to part WDW front desk When the weather outside is frightful, your outfi t bet- South America, for shit’s sake). Honestly, this I’ll move on to something new, Aspring mathematician: there is a 97% chance that I had ter be delightful. Seriously, when it’s colder than a mother- Puff y Coats vs. Peacoats one’s a personal call, like Duracell vs. Energiz- while you stay here and drink all your brew sex 7 days in a row in-law’s love outside, you better put some thought into your While peacoats are fl attering and timeless, they er, or William vs. Harry. Pick a brand and stick someone on campus catch your eye? I’m scared to try with you wardrobe, because you don’t want to join in the holiday fes- generally don’t have the warmth of the tight bubble- to it, you probably won’t be disappointed. couldn’t get a name? for the reason of two: Old Mill tivities looking your worst (plus, there’s always an opportu- wrap puff y coat. Save your peacoat for non-snowy submit your love anonymously you’re my friend Man: A hurricane went through Sesame Street... nity for part deux with a high school hookup. Eek.) You know days when the temperature creeps above freezing and I don’t want to see that end Concerned Women: Oh no... you gotta look good, but the question is how, because there (haha, above freezing. Nice joke, Vermont) and invest uvm.edu/~watertwr/iwysb.html Man: ...on the latest episode. Hey Sports Psych girl, and with little time and being unsure with what goes are many perennial debates when it comes to foul-weather in a longer coat with adequate wind and snow protec- through your mind Concerned Women: Wait...where is Sesame Street? wear, and you’ve got to take a stance. Here’s a breakdown of tion. You can jazz it up with a cinched waist, or opt for were you talking to me? I’ve got the hair, red shoes, and do tris; I really don’t want to be declined the basic choices: one with a built in belt, if you’re looking for an ounce we hook up here and there Class of sex appeal, but this is one of those fashion choices I don’t know who else it could be. Professor: ... the overlap between sex and death. Ugly Holiday Sweater vs. “Vanilla” Sweater Right now I do not but I don’t want to be just another aff air you just have to swallow, and look forward to spring Yes holiday sweaters are kitschy, but that’s I really can’t tell you this in person Student (quietly): my favorite overlap. when you can fl aunt your bod once more. have any idea who you are. the point. Where’s your sense of adventure?! Be- You should reveal yourself, so I’ll be waiting for you to take some action Mittens vs. Gloves dazzled reindeers, felt snowmen, appliquéd San- I saw: a dear friend Fishbowl Fuck mittens. Who wears mittens? Th ose kids in or this talk won’t go far. Latino Guy: I don’t know why rich people get media tas, “Seasons’ Greetings” stitched on the front: I’ll admit some lines I am: a fi sh in the sea A Christmas Story wear mittens, but one of them was bring it on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for tra- rooms and unnecessary things like that, I would rather stupid enough to stick his tongue to a pole in Decem- were a bit provocative, have rooms for bondage play and stuff . ditional Fair Isle and a nice herringbone motif but it certainly made you’re an a RA ber in Indiana. Don’t be that kid. Wear gloves. While Uggs vs. Legitimate Boots (very Aspen-chic), but it’s like what Kristen Ca- and I think your super BA White Guy: What the hell? mittens do have the advantage of keeping your fi ngers for a sexy narrative. Latino Guy: Don’t judge me. No brainer. Uggs, with their deceivingly enticing name, are… vallari said, in reference to sex with Brody Jen- All that talk about you may be quiet close together for warmth, who wants their dry, scaly ugly. And not warm. And they don’t repel any form of water de- ner, “it was very… vanilla, if you will.” Do YOU but you make my heart riot fi ngers rubbing up against each other? Plus, you can’t your pectoralis and gluteus Atrium Chairs, Davis Center scending from the sky. Uggs are about as useful as video stores in want to be Vanilla Brody? No. Get your freak on has me thinking about I’ve hooked up with boys on your fl oor grab anything while wearing mittens, so there goes the wake of Netfl ix or an abacus, post-Mesopotamia. Sack up, and and appreciate the gaudiness of a classically ugly but I swear I’m not a whore Guy: My burrito intake has gone up 300% since coming to any chance of getting your paws on a coff ee mug, a g a meeting between the two of us college. put the 7th grade fashion to rest: you need some real boots. You can sweater. I’m not coming to Trinity; plenty of girls want your dick snowball, or your hookup’s hand. Gloves solve both get creative with some with fur doodads and other cutesy shit, but but I’m the one you should pick of these problems, separating your dead-skin winter that place does suck. UVM Redstone Loft s remember that quality, warmth, and comfort are key, so stay away But come to the Stone, You live in Jeanne Mance claws and giving you dexterity to get shit done. from anything moccasin-esque. Your super stylish knit boots won’t I think we should get to know each other without any Girl 1 to Girl 2: It’s so weird coming here and not drink- and there we can... chill ;) ing! cut it when you’re sloshing through the snowpocalypse sidewalk When: last week pants. between the Davis Center and Bailey Howe. Where: in nutrition When: Around the Manor Where: Front desk Lafayette T/Th Religion 20 I saw: your poem Professor: “navel...it’s the scholarly term for belly button” I am: curious who you are I saw: a sexy man I am: available Outside Morrill Hall Th ey may say your words are I say kill your darlings to keep the writing on track, Girl: Do you think I could get your Anthro notes before Explicit class? Crude Bravado, buxom and brown, I can’t scrap any of that. Guy: Sure, no problem. Illegal Girl: Th is is why we are such good friends! Sexual harassment No need to reevaluate, you got it goin’ on, I hear you spewing and singing lines, Guy: I’m pretty sure I proved that by not sleeping with But I can’t help but be serenaded your roommate. When I see you on the street But all I’m thinking about is the thong... On your foot, caught between second and hallux, I pause my ipod in secrecy Learning Co-Op Just to be entertained by your raps My mind races in all courses, Attributed to the eff ervescent parallax. Girl 1: I’ll give you a hint, you have to press the on button I only wish I knew for sure that you are defi nitely not Guy 1: I know but Steve Jobs likes to hide it dangerous Did that rhyme? Nah, though I focus on the sound. Th e meaning is in the intent, the infl ection, Because I want to be your friend Wednesday morning, near the Davis Center tunnel And maybe someday get married All sense of misdirection. Did I mention the curly locks? Th e quality that attracts Guy 1: I need a fancy shirt for tomorrow. When: i’m lucky Guy 2: Dude, you’re going to Chili’s. Where: the streets me best, I can’t explain, don’t refrain, what’s on the surface must Guy 1: Yeah, but I haven’t seen my uncle in a while. I don’t I saw: A hot loaf of Kornbread wanna look like a slob. I am: a sweet girl who loves bad boys remain by jamiebeckett In order for me to see beneath, Guy 2: I’m telling you, just wear sweatpants, man.

We’ve got a desire. Like those thongs on your feet, As a good American I can safely assume that you not is not lost. Some people are in such a rush to go out and was sacrifi ced to sustain Americans on Th anksgiving has So let’s kick it in the back of the stage, Homestretch before Th anksgiving break only voted but that you ate a grand thanksgiving feast like buy useless shit on Black Friday that they forget the most the power to grant one wish. In order for this to happen, You’re the man who lights our fi re. Girl 1: I literally can’t fucking wait for break. As soon as Tall, thin, and fl y in a suit, And dance away, frolicking behind those actors sub-par the rest of us last Th ursday. Your plates were piled high important part of the bird: the furcula. the bone must be removed from the carcus and dried, pref- Nic Cage. I get home, I’m just gonna get high and watch Pride and with stuffi ng and mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes and Th e furcula, also known as a wishbone, is the forked erably while a shaman chants, but that’s not required. Th en Our burning passion is hard to refute. Prejudice. You may think we’ve just fl irted, When: NO NOT THE BEES AHHHH green beans; plus you probably had a dank ass turkey too. bone that birds possess between their shoulders. Th is bone aft er a few days have been allotted and the bone is, well, Where: MY EYES MY EYES AHHHH Girl 2: And play with the baby! Th e little baby’s eyes will Aww the succulent bird, whose breast is juicy and legs is necessary for fl ight, particularly in the recovery stroke, bone dry, two people must face off . But it’s the truth of the matter asserted. be so adorable! For 702, we’ve laid the foundation. I saw: a Tussling Th espian ever so tender, is the rightful center piece of one of Ameri- as it helps hold the bird together from the rigors of fl ight. Each holds an end of the forked bone and concen- I am: the Tarzan of Twang cas greatest holidays. Th e left overs are gone now, but hope Not that our turkeys can fl y, or trates on their one wish. Now it’s time to start fornication. Lafayette, 3rd fl oor do much of any- Each person then pulls, Excited utterance is right, Professor: Is your question about butt meat? “the bone must be removed from We’ll have you screaming all night. You called me a good girl thing really, since snapping the bone, and You said I’m naive their lives were the carcus and dried, preferably the person with the top It’s our recorded recollection: Davis Center, third fl oor in front of the bookstore With you, we prefer not to use protection. But you shouldnt be shouldnt be so quick to perceive probably spent while a shaman chants, but that’s part intact wish shall be My thoughts about you are a little frightening Boy 1:Th ere’s this restaurant in China... locked up in a granted (sorta). Th ose We hope our attraction, Boy 2: You have SEX with the dog and then EAT it? In Drives your subsequent action. Dirty, kinky, yet so delighting pen like a lot of not required.” whose desires and dreams I fantasize about our little fl ing CHINA?! our poultry. It’s are most pure oft en win. We want our kids to call you dad, Because we want you so bad. No clothing involved but maybe a sex swing cool though, because Obama pardoned Please note that wishbones have their own limitations I want to touch your hot and sweaty body Walking by the Marche one bird and Disney is going to take care similar to genies. Th at is to say that you can’t wish for any- Lezbihonest, New York Giants fan: Th e thing with history, dude, is that With us, you can hug every cat. Seductively whisper, make you feel godly of it during its happy and full life. one to love or make love to you. You can, however, wish And i know you’ve contemplated kissing me sober it is conceptually straight forward Back to the point: if you saved your for copious amounts of alcohol and poor decisions, so I’m When: Th e rest of our lives Where: Th e Well Do it. Its been since October. wishbone aft er Th anksgiving you have sure your intentions are pure. Personally, I would rather Ill leave this poem saying it wasn’t the only one Th e L o s ft done yourself a great favor. Since the fi rst wish for something much more practical, like proof of sas- I saw: Big Pimpin’ Very concerned guy 1 to guy 2: I have a grey arm hair! I am: Strong Ive have write two since nothings been done Th anksgiving turkeys have been blessed quatches’ existence, or an underwater narwal adventure. And since the fi rst, yes we’ve hooked up with magical powers. Why else do you Th e truth is that wishbones are magical and probably the But i want another chance to really show you what sup remember to check out the overfl ow think Benjamin Franklin suggested the coolest, if not the least understood, part of Th anksgiving. Where: Anatomy, Brennans, Th e Gym, Your House on the blog! bird as our nation icon? Th e power of the Next year during turkey time, arm yourself with a nice lean I saw: Sassmaster turkey lies within the wishbone. wishbone, and let the games begin. g I am: Missy thewatertower.tumblr.com Th e wishbone from a turkey who the cipher

Stretch out those hip-hop hamstrings, UVemcees, be- cause it’s time to bring your rhyme-slingin’ back to the water tower. When you work hard and play hard all by dylanmccarthy week long, nothing puts your mind at ease better than lyric therapy. This week, we get freaky withPornogra - phy The young man stared at the door to the boy’s rest- “My job is to prevent teen suicide within the school, by phoebefooks room like he was reading a tombstone. He leaned back- but there are a lot of ways to realize that.” You know, college isn’t what it looked like in the movies, wards and looked down the long white hallway; no one “I guess. Say, what’s your real name?” I had American Pie dreams, but the UV ain’t that groovy. was around. He gently opened the door, and slid into the “No can do, amigo.” The Naked Bike Ride’s the only time I see boobies by michaelstorace If you ever get the opportunity to see Dan Deacon pre- the first participants in a “dance contest” to take place in restroom, silent as the squeaking linoleum allowed. “Why not? I’d at least like to know the name of the But I can’t bring ‘em back to bang in my soothing Jacuzzi. form live, I’m telling you right now to cancel whatever could the circle. They were to dance for about twenty seconds On his way to the stall the young man caught a glimpse person I’m about to open up to.” So every night I get home and take off my tuxedo The Hip/Hop genre needed a game changer, and possibly be in your way and go to that fucking concert. Se- then grab someone else to replace them. This evolved from of himself in the mirror— couldn’t resist. Pale, frail, greasy “You’ve got it wrong, anonymity is the crux of my po- I log onto the web to let out my libido. Kendrick Lamar establishes himself as that defining riously, I would consider rescheduling my own wedding just two people in the circle to a whole mob of Bernie-ing, hair, needy looking, He walked into one of the two stalls sition. Me and everyone else who came before me swore That’s my credo, I drain my fluids like a mosquito, force with his third and best album, good kid, m.A.A.d. for that man. Fortunately though, I had no plans on tying shimmying, skanking, jumping, and in general people and locked the door. The young man took a seat and began to keep their identity anonymous so kids will feel totally Pornstar from Puerto Rico, that’s my love-life placebo. city. Hip/Hop is a genre that is presently characterized the knot last Sunday and this was when the Dan Deacon moving however their bodies however the fuck they want. to take in the stall’s graffiti. “Erin Loughner gives toothy unbiased towards us. It’s hard to trust people these days, These videos come in all shapes and all sizes, by mediocrity, and it is overshadowed by names such ensemble graced Higher Ground with their presence. The Hippie crap, you may scoff, but I’m telling you it was so blowjobs,” “Richie Snowden deserved it,” a large, almost but I’m a wall of trust. If I told you my name, that would But usually there’s a hot chick who loves surprises as 2 Chainz, Flo Rida, Pitbull, and Nicky Minaj (don’t Ensemble, along with two excellent opening bands and hi- goddamn fun. too well done, drawing of a penis. The young man pulled crumble. Now, do you want my help or not? If I’m not My schlong rises, as the chick’s hung “doctor” advises even get me started on the white rappers). Kendrick larious comedian Alan Resnick (he preformed a comedy A few songs later, Dan divided the dance floor in half. out a worn, pencil written loose-leaf flyer with the words back soon that substitute will write me up.” That she strip down and fuck (we all make compromises). Lamar, however, has proven himself as a skilled rapper bit with his own personally created avatar), rocked the mis- He instructed one side to mimic the dance moves of his “THE HALLWAY HERO” scribbled in bold at the top. He Nate could hear the young man trembling. He Oh god, it’s everywhere! That was so anticlimactic. with the ability to rise above his peers. matched socks, condom beanies, and oversized frames off brother and the other half to follow the lead of his friend. gave the stall wall a series of rhythmic taps. thought, “Who the hell sent him my way?” Perhaps I should socialize more and rethink my tactic. With good kid, Lamar shows a legitimate growth of every hipster that showed up at the Showcase Lounge— The effect was really cool, not only in mimicking the person “Fishy Fishy Cross My Ocean” said the other stall. “Well,” started the young man “it was the first Tues- by lonely lyricist kerrymartin from his first two albums with a third cd that proves to the most intimate and my personal favorite of the Higher we were supposed to follow, but also watching the other “Ah! Who’s there?” day of the school year. Sweet Tapioca Tuesday. I convinced be a singular cohesive unit, not just a series of singles. Ground Venues. side of the room “Relax man, didn’t you ever play that game as a kid?” one of the workers to give me extra. But when I finished Lamar explores a religious theme as he paints a picture Even be- doing something “Is it like Marco Polo?” paying someone shot his foot out in front of me, and I Next week, we shred The Ski Season, and that’s the last of his childhood growing up in Compton, California, fore I attended completely dif- “Not exactly.” went down. The only thing that stopped my head from issue of the semester! Send your raps for either week to the notoriously ghetto city made famous by N.W.A. Dr. this show I ferent. After “Red Rover?” cracking open was my pudding. But there was so much [email protected] with the subject “My Dre, founding member of the rap supergroup, features had heard that this, Dan had us “Now you’re getting it.” of it and I couldn’t wipe it all off before I stood up. The flow is too grimy, Ganges River” or something to that Dan Deacon form a tunnel by A brief silence followed, and then the voice started whole cafeteria started chanting ‘Bukkake Boy’ over and effect. Best rapper of the semester wins a $25 gift card “lamar shows legitimate was known for joining hands in again, sounding annoyed. “So surely it was no coinci- over. I’ve never cried so hard in my entire life.” to Boloco! g putting on a London bridge dence, and you intended to make that specific rhythm?” “Jeez, that is awful. But what do you want me to do? growth from his first two memorable per- fashion. The “Yes.” You’re still alive, don’t seem to want to stop. This doesn’t fit formance, con- tunnel grew “Then why have you requested an audience with me?” my job description, surely whoever sent you my way told albums with a third cd that sisting of much and eventually “Wow, so it’s really you then,” the young man looked you that.” more than wrapped around down at the flyer “you’re the hallway hero?” “No, the person who sent me your way told me you’re proves to be a cohesive unit, standing on a the outside of “What?” karma itself. The one that makes the bad pay and lets the stage and play- the building and “Yeah, I thought these flyers were all just jokes, but—“ good go free. They told me you’d kick that guy’s ass, or at not just a series of singles.” ing music for a back in the side least embarrass him.” by joshhegarty crowd of awk- door as people “Slide that paper my way.” In the other stall Nate smiled and blushed while shak- wardly swaying ran through and The young man did as he was told. ing his head. He certainly didn’t think that was the case, My dreams feel guilty. on the album to return to the commentary on the city twenty-some- joined hands on In the other stall the lanky, snarky, but kind-hearted se- but he did have quite the ego. I can’t remember of southern California. The religious theme comes for- things. But wait, the end. Dan was nior, Nate Nancy, pondered why he wrote these in pen- “Say, kid, you ever hear about what happened at our what happens in them, ward throughout the album, as Lamar says “I am a sin- isn’t that what sure to thank cil. But he smiled wide when he saw his handwriting, the high school’s very first graduation ceremony?” although I think ner and I’m probably gonna sin again,” and “Lord God hipster con- Higher Ground bold words, “The Hallway Hero” at the top of the page. He The young man thought for a moment “Yeah! Wasn’t last night I was accused I come to you a sinner...and thank you Jesus for saving certs are? Not for actually let- slid the sheet of paper into the other stall, careful to let his there a mass suicide?” of eating meat. us with your precious blood.” this one. Dan ting us do this, hand be visible. “The entire graduating class killed themselves. 200 But my eyes sting. The album also features clips of prayers, and La- Deacon is an as many venues “So you’ll really help anyone?” lives gone in an instant, and ever since that year, there’s And my throat aches. mar uses the concept of religion as the salvation for electronic art- unsurprisingly “So long as they’re free of malicious motive.” been one of us. One senior each year makes sure noth- And I know I done wrong. those growing up in Compton. There is much to escape ist, neither the laugh at the very “Eh?” ing like that could ever happen. And aside from a few I know I did. from, and Lamar posits alcoholism as the main threat kind that gets suggestion. incidents we’ve done a damn good job. All of that is Even when I didn’t. to the people of his neighborhood. He uses the songs overly praised Shirt thanks to not accepting revenge quests. I’m sorry.” I didn’t. “Drank” and “Sing about Me, I’m Dying of Thirst” to by Pitchfork, drenched with “Well, thanks for seeing me, looks like Asher explore the concept of alcoholism. nor the kind sweat, feet be- Fisher will get off scot free.” Constant exhaustion. The album is interspersed throughout with voice that causes the ginning to ache, The name Asher Fisher was not easily forgotten. The sky is gorgeous at 2:45, clips of Kendrick’s mother, father and childhood Burlington po- and head spin- They were in the same grade, and back in freshman ante meridian, friends, and these clips instantly bring to mind Noto- lice to show up ning, I danced year, Nate and his friends would get a great laugh at white light shining through my window. rious B.I.G.’s Ready to Die. The two rappers have very at frat houses, my heart out Asher’s expense. But now Asher was one of the most But when I say “Goodnight moon,” divergent styles, however, and Kendrick Lamar mixes but the kind of well through the popular kids in school. Nate thought about a few I expect rest to come club beats with often times quick biting lyrics. An- artist that makes end. During one weeks ago, when Asher hooked up with his ex-girl- or at least I used to. other apparent similarity of the album is to that of the people go nuts of the last songs friend, hadn’t even been broken up for 24 hours and Sleep shows up eventually. great Kanye West. The song “Backseat Freestyle” calls dancing. Dan had us utilize the smartphone app they created (ad- Asher saw it fit to move in. Nate clenched his fists so But he don’t bring rest in tow. for “money and power” and parallels the content and After the opening acts cleared the stage, the Dan Dea- mittedly the least-hipster thing they could have done, said hard he cut skin on his hand. And the dreams I dream style of “Power” on My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. con crew began to set up, the exodus of smokers ensued, so by Dan himself), which synced up with the music as it “That little fucker thinks he can get away with make me wake up The comparisons do not stop there, however, and good unmarked hands lined up at the bar, and chatter filled the played. Users held up their phones, the screens changing treating everyone like he’s beneath him. You know unprepared, kid, m.A.A.d. city features the twelve minute song “Sing venue. Higher Ground was playing background music that colors concurrently colors as Dan rocked. The band hung what? I’ll help you out kid. He’ll get one hell of a les- and repentant, About me, I’m Dying of Thirst,” that is exploratory in eventually gave way to a classic, Queen’s “Bohemian Rhap- out afterwards, taking pictures, singing records, and chat- s on .” for sins I know not what. nature, much like “Runaway” off ofTwisted Fantasy. sody”. As the song progressed, the lights slowly dimmed, ting with fans, as clips from Seinfeld played on the pro- And with that Nate sprinted out of the bathroom. I know not what. If you are a fan of hip-ho and rap, you should listen the volume grew, and more and more of the crowd began jector behind the empty stage; I always respect bands that The young man remained where he was, twiddling to this album. With this “city”, Lamar establishes him- singing along. Mama, oooh... Any way the wind blows... refrain from the pretentiousness of disappearing after a his thumbs. I couldn’t write a better poem self as one of the leading artists in the genre along with At the end of the song, the lights once again illumi- show. Five minutes later someone opened the stall door if I wanted to. And I want to. Kanye (despite the atrocious Good Music Cruel Sum- nated, revealing Dan and his ensemble on stage and ready So in case I haven’t yet convinced you to attend any where the young man was sitting, “Did he come?” the I couldn’t make mer), Frank Ocean and The Roots. g to melt our faces. Before they began he offered a little ditty Dan Deacon concert within your reach, I’ll top my argu- intruder asked. myself feel better if I tried. about being held up at the Canadian border earlier that ment off with some numbers. The ticket was fifteen dollars, “Yes he did, Asher.” And I don’t know how to try. day—a topic almost always guaranteed to elicit laughter. much lower than what I typically see people offering for Asher Fisher smiled and cracked his neck. “Did I couldn’t make my dreams Then, Dan had everyone hold up their left hand and kneel Higher Ground shows via Facebook groups, and the num- he say he’d help you?” enjoyable if I deserved them. down the ground as he preambled his performance with ber of people in the audience was optimal, perhaps around “He did.” And I don’t deserve them. some spiel about Rob Schneider standing over the dead eighty—it was intimate but not awkward. Unfortunately by “You’ve done well, my friend. You’ve set my plan There’s so much I don’t know. body of another Rob Schneider... yeah. They then began to the time this article will be published, Dan Deacon’s tour into motion. I’ve had enough of this self-righteous But one thing I know is this, play, and even during the first song, people were jumping future locations are all far south of the Mason-Dixon line, Hallway Hero bullshit. I know it‘s Nate Nancy, and I have no plan. and getting funky. however that doesn’t mean he won’t possibly be popping soon, the whole school will know.” g I’m making mistakes After the second, Dan commanded that we step it up up on line-ups for musical festivals next summer. Keep and don’t know how to stop. a notch. He asked us to form a giant circle in the middle your eyes peeled, your ears jammin’, and should you actu- No, I don’t know how to stop. of the room, and called out two audience members to be ally end up at a show, your feet ready to move. g collincappelle

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