Robin Hood and the Heroes Robin Hood and the Heroes of Sherwood Forest

ROBIN HOOD AND THE HEROES OF SHERWOOD FOREST

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A full-length adventure by Randy Wyatt

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Have a question about copyright? Please contact us by email at [email protected] or by phone at 424-703-5315. When in doubt, please ask. CAST OF CHARACTERS

ROBIN HOOD, our hero. LITTLE JOHN, a hulking barbarian of few words. SCARLET, a female warrior in a man's world. DAVID OF DUNCASTER, an ex-soldier turned leathersmith. FRIAR TUCK, jovial, hungry. MAID MARION, feisty, compassionate. GENEIVEVE, her teenage handmaiden. PRINCE JOHN, a wannabe, but dangerous and cruel. TALONE, a tax collector, shrewd and cowardly. SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM, the muscle, downtrodden. LADY NOTTINGHAM, a tiresome shrew. NATTY NOTTINGHAM, a brat. RUCKY, a lost peasant boy. FLORA, his sister, protective. KING RICHARD, the rightful king, often disguised. SERVANTS, FESTIVAL PERFORMERS, MERCHANTS, GUARDS

PRODUCTION NOTE

Where *ahem* appears, it is meant to be a brief clearing of the throat.

Robin Hood and the Heroes of Sherwood Forest 5

(In the darkness, MUSIC. Bombastic and swashbuckling. A light appears on a figure with his back to the audience. The music crescendos and at the apex, the figure turns around. It is ALAN-A-DALE. He smiles at the audience.)

ALAN: Hi! I bet you were expecting someone else. Robin Hood, the famous rogue? Well, I'm not him. You can tell because I'm not wearing green. Nope, I'm Alan-A-Dale, a minstrel. A bard, a singer of songs, a teller of tales and one of the Merry Men of Sherwood Forest. Perhaps you've heard of me. If you haven't, allow me to say this one thing—I'm the most important of all the Merry Men. It's true. Little John's smart, David's brave, Tuck is kind, Scarlet is sly—but me? I'm a bard. (He strums his lute:) You'll see what I mean. But first— my new song. I think it starts like this. (He exits, as lights come up on the village. TALONE and the SHERIFF are collecting taxes.)

TALONE: (Singing:) It's a glorious day for taxes! It's a marvelous day to pay! Dig deep into your pockets, throw your farthings to me And maybe—just maybe (but not likely) I'll go away! (Laughs:) What a catchy song I just made! Sing with me, Sheriff!

SHERIFF: I don't sing.

TALONE: Oh, come now. Don't be a grouch. Sing! (Sheriff growls.)

You really must learn to find the joy in your work. Ho there! David of Duncaster! Open up! Show your scruffy face! It's tax time!

DAVID: (Emerging from his hovel:) Talone the taxman. Again. What do you want? As if I didn't know.

TALONE: Why, I have come to purchase a pair of your fine leather gloves.

DAVID: (Suspiciously:) I have no money for leather, taxman. You should know that. No leather, no trade.

TALONE: BA HA HA, I was only kidding anyway, I can't believe you fell for that. I'm here to collect your taxes. Why else would I be here?

DAVID: Tax time again?

TALONE: Once again.

DAVID: I have nothing left to give.

TALONE: Oh, posh. If there's one thing a taxman knows it's this: everybody always has something. Your king demands—

DAVID: He's not "my king." My king is King Richard the Lionhearted. You serve Prince John the Mousehearted. He's not worthy to kiss Richard's ring.

TALONE: Shhh, shh, shhh! (Puts his hand over David's mouth, David removes it:) Are you mad? If Prince John were to hear your ravings, you'd be rotting in Nottingham prison by nightfall.

DAVID: I doubt that good-for-nothing simpering coward would ever dare come snooping near the woods, but if he ever did, he might not like what he'd find.

SHERIFF: That sounds dangerously like a threat to the crown.

DAVID: Only the truth.

TALONE: Unwise, unwise my friend. My lawman friend here has arrested others for far, far less.

DAVID: There's nothing lawful about that sheriff.

SHERIFF: I am the law.

DAVID: For now.

TALONE: David, you may be skilled but you're not very shrewd. Make this lug angry and he'll haul you off to a moldering cell. Fortunately for you, I'm here. I know how to handle this brute. A few words from me will soothe the savage beast. (Whispers:) He's not really all that smart.

SHERIFF: I can hear you.

DAVID: This is the fourth time in two months you two fools have knocked on my door demanding money. I have nothing left. I forage for food in the forest and you can see the state of my hovel. You have taken everything. There's nothing left to take.

TALONE: How about those lovely leather gloves you're wearing?

DAVID: My gloves?

TALONE: I'm sure they would fetch a princely sum to cover your obligations to the state.

DAVID: You're coming to ME to have me SELL MY OWN LEATHER GLOVES to you?

TALONE: Now don't get upset.

DAVID: You slime-covered WORM. You're shameless! I ought to knock your head into next week! (Sheriff bristles and draws his dagger. A standoff with Talone in the middle.)

TALONE: (Backing up towards some brush and trees:) Now now now now now! Time for all big men to put nasty knives and sticks away! I'm a public servant, much too valuable to get hurt! Everybody calm down, shhhhh, that's right. Whew! You have a hot temper, David of Duncaster. I was only trying to do you a favor.

DAVID: I don't need favors from you.

SHERIFF: (Roaring:) What is THIS? (Sheriff picks up RUCKY by the scruff of his neck, who was trying to pick Talone's pocket from the brush. Rucky kicks and hollers.)

RUCKY: Let me go!

DAVID: Rucky!

SHERIFF: This little molerat just tried to pick your pocket!

TALONE: He tried to take...my money?!

RUCKY: Let me go, you big smelly boar!

DAVID: Rucky, quiet down! Don't make him mad.

TALONE: You know him?

DAVID: He lives here in the village.

SHERIFF: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't snap this little thief in half.

DAVID: Sheriff. He's only a child.

SHERIFF: Saves me trouble later on.

RUCKY: Ow!

FLORA: (Stepping from the forest:) Please! (All turn.)

Please, I...he's my brother. Don't hurt him.

TALONE: He was trying to steal from us, little miss. From the king. That's very serious.

FLORA: I know, I...please. Usually he's a much better pickpocket than this.

SHERIFF: Oh really?

FLORA: Normally, you wouldn't even know he was there!

DAVID: I don't think that's helping, Flora.

TALONE: Since when have you become the nanny of the village?

DAVID: We take care of our own here. All of us.

TALONE: How sweet. And where are the actual parents of this ruffian?

FLORA: We don't have parents.

SHERIFF: Aww. That just breaks my heart.

RUCKY: Ow! Not so hard, you big stupid oaf! (The Sheriff growls.)

DAVID: Rucky, don't.

FLORA: Please let him go. I promise he won't steal ever again.

TALONE: Ha! I find that hard to believe.

SHERIFF: I think it would be more fun to throw him into prison.

FLORA: No!

SHERIFF: A couple years rotting away chained to the wall, he won't ever steal again. Especially if I cut off his fingers. One. By. One.

DAVID: Stop scaring him, sheriff.

TALONE: Oh my my my my. We do have a dilemma here. I hate to see a young boy become a vagrant so early in life—

FLORA: You can't lock him up!

TALONE: —but perhaps if you paid his bail, he wouldn't have to go.

FLORA: I—we don't have anything.

TALONE: Nonsense. If there's one thing a taxman knows, it's this: everybody always has something. What's that metal around your neck?

FLORA: (Revealing a coin on a chain:) Oh. Oh please don't take this. It's all we have left from our parents. Our real family.

SHERIFF: The runt has one too. Gold.

TALONE: It looks like a coin. But not from this country.

SHERIFF: Gypsies. No wonder.

TALONE: Gypsies!

SHERIFF: Better to stamp them out now. They just grow up to be tramps and thieves.

TALONE: Gypsies, tramps and thieves! This village gets less reputable all the time. I'm glad I live in the castle.

RUCKY: Must be nice.

SHERIFF: Quiet, runt.

RUCKY: Ow! (Rucky kicks him. The Sheriff howls and throws Rucky to the ground. He draws his dagger. Flora draws a dagger to protect her brother.)

DAVID: (Drawing a knife too:) Leave him alone!

TALONE: Oh, again with the knives, too many knives! Careful of the taxman and his precious, precious body and life! Ooh, even the girl has a knife! Put all nasty knives away!

SHERIFF: Time to kill both these little gypsy scorpions.

DAVID: Stop! Here. (He throws a small bag on the ground. Talone all but dives for it.) © Randy Wyatt This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. Robin Hood and the Heroes of Sherwood Forest 11

It's all I've got. Let him go.

TALONE: Eight gold pieces.

DAVID: The rest of my savings. (Everyone stands down.)

TALONE: (Takes out small ledger and quill:) How mysterious you couldn't find them before. Now. What is the designation?

DAVID: Excuse me?

TALONE: To which debt should I apply this payment? Is this payment for your taxes, or payment for your insurance to keep you out of jail, or to excuse this little ruffian from certain doom, since you "take care of your own"? Whatever that means. (There's an ANIMAL NOISE. The Sheriff perks up. The kids hear it too. During Talone's speeches, MERRY MEN creep up, unseen. Perhaps they make animal noises that make the Sheriff suspicious.)

DAVID: Are you serious? That's eight gold pieces.

TALONE: Yes. But. Not enough to cover ALL your debt, you understand. I mean, if you have more, we'll talk, but...

DAVID: You bloodsucking fast-talking swindler!

TALONE: Ah, ah, ah! Careful, Hothead of Duncaster! You don't want any more trouble than you already have! I'll make you a deal, because I know times are tough. If you pay his ransom today, then I'll give you an extension on what you owe, for a modest fee. I can give you to next Friday, and then you can pay me the twenty gold pieces you owe me for taxes, plus the ten for your bail, plus the fifteen gold pieces for the extension, bringing your fee to fifty gold pieces.

DAVID: That's forty-five.

TALONE: Forty-five, fifty, who's counting? So what do you say? Sounds reasonable right? Nobody can ever say that Talone the taxman is unreasonable.

ROBIN'S VOICE: Not unless you charge them, that is. (A beat. Sheriff looks wildly around.)

TALONE: Did you say that?

SHERIFF: Why would I say that?

TALONE: Who else is here?

SHERIFF: More gypsies? (ROBIN appears.)

ROBIN: Close enough. (The Merry Men noisily burst out of nowhere and engage the Sheriff. There are too many of them for him to effectively fight— SCARLET, ALAN, LITTLE JOHN. Sheriff is knocked out. The Merry Men busy themselves with disarming the Sheriff while Robin confronts Talone.)

Talone the taxman. We meet at last. Your reputation precedes you.

TALONE: Who are you people?

ROBIN: Robin of Locksley, at your service.

TALONE: Somehow I doubt that.

ROBIN: You wound me, good sir. I'm a public servant like you. Unlike you, however, I actually serve the public. Are these your children?

TALONE: Certainly not. This one's a pickpocket.

ROBIN: Ahh, I see. Your children would be much cleverer about stealing other people's money.

RUCKY: You're Robin Hood! © Randy Wyatt This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. Robin Hood and the Heroes of Sherwood Forest 13

ROBIN: Someone's heard of me!

RUCKY: Everybody's heard of you.

ROBIN: (To Scarlet:) My fame is spreading.

SCARLET: (Smirking:) Congratulations.

ALAN: Must be my latest song.

FLORA: They say you rob the rich and give to the poor.

TALONE: (Aghast:) Rob? The rich?

SCARLET: I guess they have heard of you.

ROBIN: I take issue with the word "rob."

SCARLET: Do you? And what would you call it?

ROBIN: I don't know, but there must be a prettier word than "rob."

ALAN: "Steal"?

ROBIN: Not much better.

ALAN: "Permanently borrow"?

ROBIN: Too disingenuous.

ALAN: How about "tax"?

ROBIN: Sayyyyy, that's not bad. Sounds so...lawful. Just like you! But then, if I were a taxman, no one would want me around.

SCARLET: No one wants you around now.

ALAN: No one from the castle anyway.

RUCKY: I want you around!

ROBIN: I like you already. I've got it! I "encourage donations" to the poor.

ALAN: Brilliant!

ROBIN: Just like a public servant should. I'm inspirational.

SCARLET: Oh please.

TALONE: You are all obstructing the collection of His Majesty's taxes! The punishment for this is—

ROBIN: Let me guess. Prison. Yawn. Really, Prince John needs to become more creative in his punishments.

TALONE: Hanging!!

ROBIN: Oh, well. That is a variation.

SCARLET: His "majesty" doesn't need any more taxes.

TALONE: That's not for you to determine, ruffian. (The Merry Men "oooooo.")

ROBIN: He called you a ruffian!

SCARLET: I'm a ruffian.

ALAN: Why don't I ever get called a ruffian?

SCARLET: You're a minstrel. Minstrels aren't ruffians.

ALAN: I'm a bard!

SCARLET: Whatever.

ALAN: Musicians are some of the greatest ruffians there are!

SCARLET: Sure they are.

ROBIN: Now now. We can all be ruffians. Especially Little John. He's a real rough ruffian. Right, John? (Little John grunts.)

No dominating the conversation, John. Talk talk talk talk talk, that one. But enough. Talone, we are here to help you, not stand in your way. I couldn't help but overhear you say to this

© Randy Wyatt This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. Robin Hood and the Heroes of Sherwood Forest 15 man that he had no recourse but to go to prison, but for some pretty hefty fees. If I'm not mistaken, this is David of Duncaster, the leatherworker and hardworking, taxpaying resident of the village. I've seen his work and it is very fine. I'm sure he could earn the money to pay you in a heartbeat. Maybe two.

DAVID: I have no leather to work.

ROBIN: Hmm. Well, that is a problem. (The Sheriff moans as he comes to.)

But wait! Perhaps our good friend the sheriff can be of some help. Oh, Sheriff? (The Sheriff sees Robin and immediately goes for his dagger. It isn't there.)

I'm overjoyed to see you too. My friend John is holding your dagger for you for the time being. (Little John holds the dagger close to Sheriff's neck. Sheriff stops struggling.)

He'll hold it real close for you. (Sheriff growls at Little John. Little John growls back. They are mortal enemies.)

I see you speak John's language. What a happy reunion. Now that you are awake, perhaps you can help us with a bit of a problem. You see, our leatherworker David of Duncaster needs some base materials from which to make wares to sell in order to fulfill his obligations to the state. Perhaps I can encourage you to make a donation?

SHERIFF: What?

LITTLE JOHN: Strip.

(Little John pushes him forward. Sheriff reluctantly begins to remove his leather armor.)

ROBIN: What a selfless display of generosity! David, do you think you could make some articles to sell from this leather?

DAVID: I think I could, Robin. But there's no one in the village who could afford them.

ROBIN: Good point. But wait!

TALONE: Oh no.

ROBIN: Talone! You've got money!

TALONE: I have nothing!

ROBIN: Now now. If there's anything that my time as an outlaw has taught me, it is this: everybody always has something. (Scarlet and Alan step forward and "encourage" Talone to give up bags of money attached to his belt....as well as his belt, cloak, and clothes. His protests go unheeded.) What an excellent down-payment on David's work! On behalf of the poor citizens of Nottingham, I'd like to thank you for being such a marvelous public servant. Giving all that tax money back to the people—it brings a tear to the eye.

RUCKY: Ha ha! You're naked!

TALONE: This is outrageous! You will pay for this!

ROBIN: But my dear taxman, you just paid for it! Now, hurry back to the castle and tell King Prince John about your selfless deeds.

ALAN: Won't he be proud.

SCARLET: Or furious. Either one.

ROBIN: Hurry now! On your feet! To the castle, public servants! Run, run! © Randy Wyatt This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. Robin Hood and the Heroes of Sherwood Forest 17

(Talone and the Sheriff run towards the castle and offstage. The Sheriff stops to glare at Little John, but keeps moving.)

SCARLET: Well. That should get us arrested.

ALAN: Let them try!

ROBIN: David. We could use a good leatherworker for armor.

DAVID: My hands are in your service.

ROBIN: Excellent.

RUCKY: I want to help too!

FLORA: Rucky!

RUCKY: Can we?

FLORA: We can't go into the forest with a whole bunch of strange men—no offense—

ROBIN: None taken.

SCARLET: None stranger.

FLORA: Mother would never allow it. It's not safe.

RUCKY: Mother isn't here. No one is.

ROBIN: Where are your parents? (Flora and Rucky are quiet.)

I see. Maybe you should come with us.

FLORA: Oh. I—I don't know...

SCARLET: Would your mother feel better... (Scarlet pulls back her hood to reveal her long hair.)

...if you weren't the only girl?

RUCKY: Wow! She's a girl!

FLORA: I see that, Rucky. © Randy Wyatt This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 18 Randy Wyatt

SCARLET: It makes for quick disguises. What's your name?

FLORA: Flora.

SCARLET: (Kindly:) Flora. Come with us to our camp. It's really the only safe place left in the kingdom. We have hot food.

ALAN: And music!

ROBIN: And protection. What do you say?

FLORA: (Beat.) All right.

RUCKY: Yay!

ROBIN: (Putting his hat on Rucky:) Rucky. Welcome to the Merry Men of Sherwood Forest. (To the others:) Take them back to camp. (He exits.)

SCARLET: Where are you going? (Crossfade to the throne room. PRINCE JOHN pacing. Sheriff and Talone are still in their underwear, heads low.)

PRINCE JOHN: Robin Hood. Robin Hood?! It's not even a name! What kind of a name is that? Robin Hood.

TALONE: Your Majesty.

PRINCE JOHN: That's all I hear, all day, every day. Even in SONGS from the village. Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Robin Hood. What about me? Don't I deserve to be talked about? Sung about? I'm the handsome one. I'm the fearsome respectable leader. Not some second-rate crook from the forest. ME.

TALONE: Your Majesty, it's very chilly—

PRINCE JOHN: That's it! Someone should write a song about me and how glorious I am. Talone, make it so.

TALONE: YOUR MAJESTY.

PRINCE JOHN: Yes, what is it, Talone?

TALONE: Your Majesty, can we please be dismissed so we can get some clothes?

PRINCE JOHN: Clothes? Good heavens, you're not wearing clothes. What are you doing standing here in your underwear in my throne room?

TALONE: We just finished telling you, Robin Hood took our—

PRINCE JOHN: ROBIN HOOD. There's that name again! Even YOU'RE talking about him! Just ONCE I'd like to hear my OWN name spoken in MY THRONE ROOM. I am the KING after all. (The Sheriff harrumphs.)

What was that? Care to add a comment, Sheriff?

SHERIFF: (Quietly:) You're not the king.

PRINCE JOHN: SAY THAT AGAIN.

SHERIFF: You're not. The king. Technically. (Prince John quivers, then hyperventilates.)

TALONE: Oh, now you've done it.

PRINCE JOHN: Am I not in the throne room? Look, look. (Sits on throne:) Am I not the man sitting here on the kingly throne? Am I not wearing a crown while I sit on the kingly throne in the royal throne room? IS THIS NOT ME?!

SHERIFF: Yes, sire.

PRINCE JOHN: And is this not my money? Royal tax money that I'm sifting through my fingers? Here on my throne in my throne room?

SHERIFF: Technically, all this belongs to King R—

PRINCE JOHN: (Dangerously:) Do NOT speak my brother's loathsome name in my presence. I swear you will hang by nightfall. (A deadly silence.)

SHERIFF: All this belongs to the king. Your majesty.

PRINCE JOHN: That's right. And who is the king?

SHERIFF: You're on the throne, your majesty.

PRINCE JOHN: That's right. (A standoff. MAID MARION and GENEVIEVE enter.)

GENEVIEVE: What is all the commotion here—AIEEEEEE! M'lady, shield your eyes! There are indecent men in the throne room!

MARION: These men are always indecent, Genevieve.

GENEVIEVE: What is wrong with you? PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.

TALONE: We've been TRYING.

GENEVIEVE: SERVANTS! SERVANTS!!

TALONE: Are you mad, woman? Do you want the whole castle to hear you?

PRINCE JOHN: Maid Marion.

MARION: (Frostily:) Sire.

PRINCE JOHN: It's a very nice day.

MARION: Is it? How interesting.

PRINCE JOHN: I'm sorry for the noise, but we're dealing with a very serious threat to the state. A villain named Robin Hood has been interfering with tax collection in the village.

MARION: Oh, yes, we've met him before.

PRINCE JOHN: "We"?

MARION: Yes, the Sheriff and I. Hasn't he told you?

PRINCE JOHN: No. No, he hasn't.

SHERIFF: M'lady must be mistaken.

MARION: Oh, I'm sure I am not, Sheriff. You remember just last week, when we were returning from our diplomatic duties in the northwest, and we were stopped? Surely you remember.

PRINCE JOHN: I have heard nothing about this. Sheriff?

MARION: Oh, allow me to tell you about it, Sire, it will be my pleasure.

GENEVEIVE: M'lady.

MARION: There we were, the Sheriff and his charming wife and delightful daughter, and Genevieve and myself, when suddenly, there were men blocking our path. One in green with a bow and arrow, one in black with a quarterstaff and another in red with a sword. The Sheriff drew his sword to defend us but the one in green knocked it out of his hand with one deftly-drawn arrow. He was an excellent shot, wasn't he, Sheriff?

SHERIFF: Lucky.

MARION: Perhaps. That's when Lady Nottingham and her daughter began shrieking and wailing—goodness, you'd think kittens were being drowned—and in a few short minutes time, their light fingers had taken all of the gifts and taxes we had collected from our time in the northwest.

PRINCE JOHN: Nonsense. I have the collection box right here. The good Sheriff deposited it here last week and it is heavy with...

(The opens the box to show the gold, but his voice dies away as he sees what's inside. He pulls out several rocks from the collection box and looks accusingly at the Sheriff, who looks rather sheepish.)

MARION: As I said, Sire.

SHERIFF: I will make him pay, Your Highness. I will offer a reward.

MARION: The robbers took everything. The tax gold, the many "gifts" that the Sheriff's charming wife and delightful daughter "collected" from the northwest, everything. Including my ruby necklace that our dear King Richard had given me as a birthday present. (Prince John [and everyone else] winces audibly at each mention of his brother.)

GENEVIEVE: M'lady!

PRINCE JOHN: Dear Marion. This is not an appropriate— place—for you to speak that name.

MARION: Whose name? King Richard's? I don't see why not. This is King Richard's throne room after all. That is King Richard's throne in King Richard's castle, here in King Richard's kingdom. Long live King Richard.

PRINCE JOHN: Ahhh. Yes. Uhhh. Excuse me. (Prince John swiftly exits.)

GENEVIEVE: M'lady, that was not wise.

MARION: He's not the king, so what do I care? You should be thanking me, Sheriff. Sooner or later he would have discovered those rocks and he would have had your head.

LADY: (Offstage:) GUNTHER! WHERE ARE YOU?

MARION: Speaking of, I do believe that's the voice of your charming wife.

NATTY: (Offstage:) DADDY?!

MARION: And your delightful daughter!

SHERIFF: Oh no. (A SERVANT enters. LADY NOTTINGHAM and NATTY enter after, shrieking and whining.)

SERVANT: May I present the Lady of Nottingham, and her daughter, Natty.

LADY: THERE you are. WHAT are you doing standing here in your underwear in the presence of OTHER WOMEN?!

MARION: Hello Lady Nottingham.

NATTY: YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME, DADDY!

MARION: Hello, Natty.

LADY: Can you imagine the disgrace of being married to such a dolt? Come home this INSTANT.

NATTY: I WANT A PONY. BUY ME A PONY.

LADY: Mother always said that marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life, and every day you prove her more and more right. You've stolen my youth and now you are stealing my sanity and trying my patience! Get going, you worthless oaf!

MARION: Have a good day, Sheriff.

NATTY: NO ONE LISTENS TO ME. DADDY! (Sheriff, Lady and Natty exit. The Servant has a bundle of clothing.)

SERVANT: The clothing you requested, m'lady.

TALONE: Finally! © Randy Wyatt This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 24 Randy Wyatt

(Talone takes the clothes and exits.)

MARION: You're welcome, Talone!

GENEVIEVE: One day you will go too far, m'lady.

MARION: Posh. Prince John is an egotistical blowhard and I, for one, enjoy watching him squirm around me. I can't help but feel as if King Richard smiles upon it.

GENEVIEVE: You may be enjoying yourself, m'lady, but have you considered that if something happens to you, I am lost?

MARION: Nothing will happen to me, Genevieve. Prince John wouldn't dare.

GENEVIEVE: You are so sure. But the only thing that is keeping me from being kicked out into the streets starving and alone is you.

MARION: Oh Genevieve.

GENEVIEVE: I've lost everything. You know I've lost everything. And yet you are so reckless with my future. I don't trust Prince John, the Sheriff, any of them. It all scares me, m'lady. It scares me to death. (Genevieve, close to tears, runs out.)

MARION: Genny! Oh. (She sees the Servant, waiting.) What are you doing here? You are dismissed.

SERVANT: I have something to return to you, m'lady.

MARION: Return to me? Do I know you?

ROBIN: I think you do. (The Servant reveals himself to be Robin Hood. Marion gasps.) Don't scream!

MARION: Why shouldn't I? A common thief has infiltrated the castle!

ROBIN: Would a common thief risk his hide to return something he'd taken? (He produces a ruby necklace and offers it to Marion.)

MARION: My necklace! (She goes to take it then stops:) Why? Why bring it back?

ROBIN: It isn't mine.

MARION: A strange thing for a thief to say.

ROBIN: From one thief to another, I tell you that there are some things I do care about. Deeply.

MARION: Did you just call me a thief, thief?

ROBIN: You see, that necklace was a gift, and it rightly belongs to you. But your envoy in the forest spent the day among the poor, collecting tax gold from the hungry and desperate. Without a second thought.

MARION: You have me much mistaken, thief. I give much thought to those poor people.

ROBIN: It doesn't seem like it. That Lady Nottingham and her odious offspring snatching expensive goods from poor merchants, flipping them a single farthing whenever they thought to. And you spent the entire day with them.

MARION: I had no choice. I have to go on those missions or Prince John gets suspicious of my motives. You seem to be in a poor position to judge me, I must say.

ROBIN: It's been my experience that the rich and the privileged do a lot of thinking, but not much else.

MARION: Appearances are deceiving. For instance, I recently met a man who holds up travelers with weapons and yet seems to have some sense of justice. However warped. (She holds out her hand. He returns the necklace:)

ROBIN: Point taken, m'lady.

MARION: I am not accustomed to being called a thief by forest rabble. Thief.

ROBIN: I duly apologize.

MARION: No. Perhaps you are right. (She hands the necklace back to him:) Sell it. Give the money to those wretched people in the northwest. I saw one woman with four children, two on crutches. Make sure she gets the lion's share.

ROBIN: Very generous, m'lady. This will bring a king's ransom.

MARION: Yes, well, tell them all to spend it quickly, or Prince John will just tax it back out of them again. It tears my heart to shreds to see what has become of this kingdom.

ROBIN: I knew I saw kindness in your eyes. The day I stopped you in the woods. I saw a kindness in you that I didn't see in the others. I had to come see it once again for myself.

MARION: Who are you?

ROBIN: I am Robin Hood, m'lady.

MARION: No, really. What is your real name?

ROBIN: Perhaps I'll tell you next time. (And he is gone. Marion is left alone with her thoughts. Crossfade to the forest. David and Little John spar with quarter staves. Rucky, Flora, Alan, and Scarlet cheer them on. John gets the best of David, but it isn't easy. He cheerfully extends a hand to David to help him up.)

DAVID: You are quite skillful, John.

JOHN: As are you, Duncaster.

DAVID: I'm out of practice.

SCARLET: You'd never know it.

RUCKY: Do that again!

DAVID: Only fight in self-defense, Rucky.

RUCKY: That's no fun.

SCARLET: Someday I'm sure you will be a skilled fighter, Rucky.

RUCKY: Someday? I'm skilled now. (Rucky twirls a stick. It's not very impressive. Then he drops it. The Merry Men try not to laugh.)

FLORA: It's OK, Rucky. You've got other skills.

ALAN: Yeah, I bet you're good at gathering mushrooms. You can help next time I have to get some for soup.

RUCKY: (Reaching into his rucksack:) Mushrooms?! I'll show you mushrooms!

FLORA: Rucky NOT HERE. (Too late. Rucky throws a bunch of little pebbles that explode when they impact the ground. Everyone reacts verbally and jumps back.)

ALAN: What was THAT?!

RUCKY: I got them from a man from the Far East. I traded a silk scarf for them.

ALAN: Where did you get a silk scarf?

RUCKY: (Not remembering:) Ummmm...

FLORA: (Proud of him:) From the pretty woman who traded it for the two loaves of bread you got from the French man with the moustache, who gave those to us for the bronze coins you had with the lion stamped on them that you traded from—

ALAN: OK, OK! I believe you! © Randy Wyatt This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 28 Randy Wyatt

SCARLET: You master trader! You DO have skills!

DAVID: Are those things dangerous?

RUCKY: (Pleased at the attention:) No, they just make a lot of noise! Want me to do it again?

FLORA: I THINK we have heard more than enough, Rucky. Put them away.

TUCK: (Offstage:) Robin! ROOOOOOBIIIINNNNNNN!

RUCKY: The Friar's back!

FLORA: I mean it, Rucky, put those away.

RUCKY: OK, OK.

TUCK: (Entering, out of breath, eating an apple:) Where's...Robin?

SCARLET: Who knows? He always has somewhere to go.

TUCK: Look what I found nailed to a tree.

FLORA: A reward poster!

TUCK: Isn't it great?

ALAN: Great? Tuck, what are you talking about?

TUCK: Don't you see? All we have to do is find this guy, turn him in, and then we'll have a large sum of money to give to the poor villagers!

DAVID: Friar, this is a wanted poster for Robin!

TUCK: What? Let me see that. (Looks at it:) Huh. I guess that does look like him, now that you mention it. They got the nose all wrong though.

SCARLET: It's says "Robin Hood" right across the top! Can't you read?

TUCK: One does not have to know how to "read" in order to be a clergyman, I'll have you know.

DAVID: This is serious, friends. If Prince John has put a price on Robin's head, he's a marked man.

ROBIN: (Entering:) Who's a marked man?

FLORA: (Showing him the poster:) Robin! There's a warrant for your arrest! And if they catch you they'll throw you in prison with the rats and the spiders and they'll probably hang you! (Realizing everyone is looking at her in horror:) But I'm sure that won't happen because we all have faith in you.

ALAN: Way to break it to him gently, Flora.

RUCKY: She's always too honest.

ROBIN: (Looks at the poster, whistles:) That's quite a sum. Though it's a pittance considering how much money His Princey-ness must have by now.

SCARLET: What are we going to do?

ROBIN: I think we should go straight to the castle...

SCARLET: Yes?

ROBIN: ...and suggest they get a new artist. They got my nose all wrong.

TUCK: That's what I said!

ALAN: It kind of makes you look like a piglet.

ROBIN: Thank you very much!

ALAN: It's not my fault. Look at that snout!

ROBIN: And my hair's all tangled.

SCARLET: Can we be serious for a moment?

DAVID: We need to hide you for a while.

ROBIN: Hide me? Nonsense. I'm wearing green. I blend in.

DAVID: Robin, there are some pretty desperate men who would do some pretty desperate things for any amount of gold these days.

ROBIN: The villagers who we constantly bring gold back to? I think not. They're smarter than that.

SCARLET: What about the Sheriff?

ROBIN: This is another scare tactic. We don't bow to scare tactics.

SCARLET: You are the most stubborn man in the world.

ROBIN: I just returned from the village. Word about town is that Prince John just tripled taxes.

DAVID: Tripled!

ALAN: He's a madman.

ROBIN: And anyone who doesn't pay them goes straight to jail.

ALAN: How is Prince John going to feed all of those prisoners?

ROBIN: What makes you think he'll feed them? (Silence.) Do you really think that now is a good time for me to hide? No. Now is the time for us to be more visible than ever. We have taxes to collect back from His Majesty. If we don't do it...

RUCKY: Who will?

ROBIN: Men...and ladies....I tell you that now is the time for us to be more than just a band of rogues. Prince John is intent on spreading misery. It is absolutely vital, therefore, that we make merry. Constantly. At every opportunity.

TUCK: Merry in our own way.

ALAN: We'll be the merriest men in the kingdom, Robin.

DAVID: Merry men, one and all! © Randy Wyatt This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. Robin Hood and the Heroes of Sherwood Forest 31

SCARLET: (Smiling, putting her hat on:) Merry men, all. (A montage of thievery scenes. The first involves Talone and the Sheriff getting robbed by Little John and Robin Hood. Too much gold encumbers the Sheriff from fighting. Talone pathetically tries to fight and fails. Prince John watches from the castle, as if being told the story.)

PRINCE JOHN: No. (The second has Lady and Natty involved—watching a puppet show put on by Flora, Tuck and Alan, while Scarlet lifts furs and jewels from them and a GUARD.)

No! No! (The final heist—keep away, flying staffs and switcheroos. Prince John is furious.)

No, no, NO! (Sheriff, Talone and the GUARDS enter, looking sheepish before the Prince. Marion and Genevieve are there, trying to keep straight faces.)

Imbeciles! They are a band of common thieves in the forest. They should not be that difficult to outwit. Why don't I just go out there and do this myself?

SHERIFF: I invite His Highness to go give it a try.

PRINCE: WHAT did you say?

TALONE: (Quickly:) He said Robin Hood seems to get the best of us, no matter what we try.

MARION: He does seem much cleverer than you.

PRINCE JOHN: We shall be the cleverest in the end, Marion. We're going about this the wrong way. We need some way to have Robin Hood come to US.

TALONE: Excellent, sire. Then we can lock him up and throw away the key.

SHERIFF: How are we going to get him to come to us?

PRINCE JOHN: Think, think brilliant mind, think. What does Robin Hood like?

TALONE: Stealing gold?

PRINCE JOHN: No gold!

SHERIFF: Wearing green?

PRINCE JOHN: Unhelpful.

MARION: Humiliating you? (A cold silence. Prince John glares at Marion, who smiles.)

GENEVIEVE: (Whispered:) M'lady!

SERVANT: Shooting arrows?

PRINCE JOHN: Arrows?

SERVANT: How about an archery tournament?

SHERIFF: An archery tournament?

TALONE: An archery tournament?

PRINCE JOHN: An archery tournament! Yes!

TALONE: Brilliant, sire!

PRINCE JOHN: Yessss. We'll thrush him out of the forest with an archery tournament. He'll show up and win, and we'll arrest him in front of the whole village. Then the people will see we are NOT to be trifled with!

SHERIFF: He may not win, sire.

PRINCE JOHN: Of course he will.

SHERIFF: Perhaps I'll enter.

PRINCE JOHN: Thus ensuring he will win. Enough. Sheriff, Talone, come. To the scheming room.

TALONE: (Exiting with Prince and Sheriff:) Oooo, I love the scheming room! It's my favorite place to scheme. (They exit. A moment.)

MARION: (Not looking at him:) They are gone, "servant." You are dismissed.

SERVANT: (Starting to exit:) M'lady.

GENEVIEVE: Wait a moment. (The Servant stops.)

You look familiar.

SERVANT: I am but a servant of His Majesty.

GENEVIEVE: And yet, I don't believe I've seen you before.

SERVANT: It's a very large castle, miss.

GENEVIEVE: Perhaps. But I believe I know all the servants here. You seem out of place.

SERVANT: Even a servant can have a secret, miss. For instance, I know about the necklace that hangs around your neck. (Genevieve gasps.)

GENEVIEVE: How do you—oh please, please tell no one about...

SERVANT: It's alright, miss. Secrets are made to be kept. (Servant exits.)

MARION: (Chuckling:) Clever, clever Robin.

GENEVIEVE: How did he know about my necklace?

MARION: He seems to know many secrets. Such as how to get in and out of the castle without a single guard seeing him. Now go, Genny. I think he will stay away until I am alone.

GENEVIEVE: If I didn't know better, m'lady, I might think you wished to be alone with him. Almost as if you enjoyed his company.

MARION: Genevieve!

GENEVIEVE: Alone. As you wish, m'lady. (She giggles as she exits.)

MARION: Silly girl. (To no one in particular:) Oh dear, here I am, all alone in the throne room. I do hope no dashing thief in servant's clothing decides to happen upon me here. (Silence, she looks around:) Hmmm. Doesn't seem the sort to miss a cue for a grand entrance. (Robin stumbles in, dressed as a servant.)

THERE you are.

ROBIN: M'lady! All alone I see. And where is the Prince?

MARION: Scheming in the scheming room. But you know that.

ROBIN: I do?

MARION: Very clever of you to suggest an archery tournament.

ROBIN: Was it?

MARION: They will organize an entire festival, games, music, dancing, food...and lift the spirits of the people while you win the tournament and escape ingeniously while making Prince John out to be a fool. All around a winning proposition.

ROBIN: Well. I must say that IS exceedingly clever of me.

MARION: You seem surprised.

ROBIN: I often startle myself with my own ingenuity.

MARION: But it is not a permanent solution. Oh, if only Richard would return.

ROBIN: Has there been any word?

MARION: None. I fear the worst.

ROBIN: That would, indeed, be terrible. But you, m'lady, hold the one element that will win the day.

MARION: Do I?

ROBIN: There in your soft and lovely hand.

MARION: My hand is empty.

ROBIN: And yet, you have it. Close your hand! Hold it fast! Now. What do you hold in your hand?

MARION: It seems you should tell me.

ROBIN: Hope. You hold hope, m'lady. Without it, we are all lost.

MARION: I shall hold onto it with all my strength.

ROBIN: Do that. (A moment.) Yes. Well. I best go. Apparently, I have an archery tournament to prepare for.

MARION: "Apparently?" It was your idea!

ROBIN: I'm so clever that the idea even eluded me.

MARION: Robin. (He turns.)

Be wary. All of your tricks are starting to anger him. He will not be mocked forever.

ROBIN: You should be careful too, m'lady. He won't take humiliation from you forever either. And you live here in the belly of the beast.

MARION: I am fine.

ROBIN: Even so.

MARION: You. You promised me you would tell me your real name.

ROBIN: My real name is Robin.

MARION: Please.

ROBIN: Very well. My real name is "Love," m'lady. You may call me that. (And once again, he is gone.)

MARION: Love. You've been absent from here so long. (She looks at her closed hand. FANFARE. Light on Talone, standing on a barrel.)

TALONE: Attention! Attention please! My name is Talone the Taxman, though you all know that already of course. I've been to each one of your houses two, three, so many times. It's like I'm a part of your family! I am so pleased to see you all here, and remember, if you'd like to make a donation to the royal coffers, you will find guards holding tax boxes at all of the exits for your donating convenience. *ahem* Allow me to welcome you all to the Royal Festival and Tournament of Sharpshooters! (Lights up on festival. FANFARE and MUSIC. Performers and strolling merchants. An APPLE MERCHANT (RICHARD in disguise) is arguing with Lady Nottingham. Natty is stealing apples unseen by the Merchant.)

MERCHANT: But that's outrageous!

LADY: Six for a farthing and not a penny more!

MERCHANT: You'll bankrupt me!

LADY: Do you know who my husband is?

MERCHANT: What does that have to do with—

LADY: MY HUSBAND IS THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM AND HE WILL THROW YOU IN JAIL IF YOU DON'T DO WHAT I SAY!!

MERCHANT: Please, lady...

LADY: GUNTHER!!! ARREST THIS MAN!

MERCHANT: Alright! Alright! One, two, three, four, five, six apples.

LADY: And here is your coin. Keep the change. Nice doing business with you, merchant. (Suddenly, a shower of exploding pebbles erupts all around them. Lady screams as does Natty behind the Merchant. Apples go everywhere. The Merchant catches sight of Natty, who disappears.)

My apples! They're ruined!

MERCHANT: They're not ruined. You can just pick them up and wash them off.

LADY: Pick them up? Off the GROUND? You must be joking! Do I look like a peasant?! Keep your filthy imperfect apples. And give me my money back!

MERCHANT: But you—

LADY: GUNTHER!!!

MERCHANT: Here! Here!

(He hands the coin back and Lady leaves in a huff. Merchant picks up his apples. Flora appears and helps to gather them. Flora's pendant is visible as she bends to pick up apples.)

FLORA: Oh, let me help you.

MERCHANT: Thank you, young lady.

FLORA: It's no trouble. It's partly our responsibility. ISN'T it, Rucky? (A sheepish Rucky appears and begins to help.)

RUCKY: Mmmmmaybe.

MERCHANT: That's a very pretty pendant you're wearing.

FLORA: (Flustered:) Oh. Um. Thank you. My mother gave it to me.

MERCHANT: I think I've seen it somewhere before.

FLORA: You have? (Trumpets. Fanfare. The Prince and his party appear, as do many other FESTIVAL GOERS. Alan appears by Flora and Rucky. The Merchant disappears.)

RUCKY: Look! Flora look! The tournament is about to begin! Ooo, look, Maid Marion!

ALAN: There you two are!

FLORA: Rucky, did you see where that merchant went?

TALONE: Attention all! It is time for the archery tournament! Will all contestants please make their way down here to the target range!

FLORA: We have to find that merchant!

RUCKY: But everything's starting!

ALAN: What's the matter, Flora?

FLORA: I have to find someone. Will you stay with Rucky?

ALAN: Uh. Sure. (Flora exits quickly.) Strange.

RUCKY: Where's Robin?

ALAN: He's in disguise, Rucky. He can't just come dressed as himself. The Sherriff would arrest him. Look, the contestants. (The contestants assemble. Talone introduces them to the crowd. Marion and Genevieve are in the royal box.)

TALONE: Ladies and gentlemen... Oh, who can tell the difference when you're all so poor. Peasants! Allow me to introduce the first contestant in today's royal archery tournament. A sharpshooter of excellent renown, as well as the chief lawman of our town. You know him, you love him, give a roaring welcome to our Sheriff of Nottingham! (The weakest of applause as the Sheriff acknowledges the crowd. Perhaps a "woo." Robin, heavily disguised, emerges.)

And next. A newcomer. His name is...what is your name, Stranger?

ROBIN: (Cockney:) Ahhh, name's Roderigo, it is! Roder-ee-go! Shooting sharp since I was a wee tyke, I 'ave! Quite a marvel with a cudgel, too, I don't mind sayin', guv. And I don't mind sayin' it 'cause it's a fun word to say! Cudgel! Ha ha ha! Beautiful day for a tournament! I'll best the best of the best men ya got, and may the best man win! That's what I say!

TALONE: (Unimpressed:) Yes. Well. Roderigo. *ahem* And there are our only two entrants into—

SCARLET: (Entering, disguised voice:) Half a moment! (Scarlet, disguised as well, steps up to the contestant box. A murmur in the crowd.) © Randy Wyatt This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 40 Randy Wyatt

I'd like to enter as well.

TALONE: A last minute entrant? And who are you?

SCARLET: My name is...unimportant.

TALONE: Sir Unimportant! From?

SCARLET: Er...from nowhere.

TALONE: (Witheringly:) Sir Unimportant from Nowhere! What an...impressive name. *ahem* Three entrants! Any more? No? Well, now it is a contest!

ROBIN: 'Ere. 'Aven't I seen you before?

SCARLET: I doubt it.

ROBIN: You look strangely familiar to me.

SCARLET: And you just look strange.

TALONE: And what a prize we have for the winner! A quiver full of gold and silver tipped arrows! (The crowd "oooo"s appreciatively. Prince stands to announce:)

PRINCE: Sheriff, when you win those, remember. They will get melted down right away to go back in my treasury.

TALONE: (Laughing nervously:) Oh, Your Highness, ever the jester! Ha ha ha. (Prince John, confused, sits back down.)

SCARLET: Won't I look dashing with that quiver of arrows over my back!

ROBIN: Yes, you would, stranger. But what about the other part of the prize?

SCARLET: Other part?

TALONE: But that's not all! The winner of today's tournament will also receive a kiss from the lovely Maid Marion herself! (Marion stands and waves a handkerchief. Scarlet is a bit flummoxed.)

SCARLET: Oh. Oh my.

ROBIN: All the luck in the world to ya, stranger! 'Ope ya win!

TALONE: Let us begin! First to compete will be the Sheriff of Nottingham. (Prince John claps. No one else does. The Sheriff draws back the bow and: Light shift. Light strange music underbed. Everything moves in slow-mo. Alan takes the arrow and guides it on a straight course for the target while the Company makes whooshing sounds. Alan plunks the arrow in the center of the target, then runs back to his place. Light shifts back, end music, normal pace resumes.)

BULLSEYE! Didn't I tell you that our Sheriff was a remarkable marksman! He's the one to beat in this competition. (The Sheriff, very pleased with himself, steps away.) And who is next?

ROBIN: (To Scarlet, loudly:) After you! (Under his breath:) Ladies first.

SCARLET: (Under her breath:) I see no ladies here.

ROBIN: (Under his breath:) Even so.

SCARLET: (To the crowd, still looking at Robin:) I will go next! (The crowd ripples with murmurs and a little applause. Scarlet draws the bow back. Light shift, music, as before. Alan guides the arrow on a sharper incline and through a few curlie-cues to hit the target just shy of the bullseye. Slow-mo ends.)

TALONE: Ooo, an excellent shot, but just shy of the bullseye! The Sheriff is still in the lead!

ROBIN: (To Scarlet:) So close.

SCARLET: I hit what I aim for. We'll split the prize. The kiss for you, the arrows for me.

ROBIN: Fair enough, Sir Unimportant.

TALONE: And now, our final challenger. Roderigo. Well now. Aren't you...rustic.

ROBIN: (Shaking Talone's hand far too vigorously:) Thanks, squire! Lookin' forward to givin' it a go! That Marion is a looker, isn't she? Worth givin' it a shot, as my pop used to say! HA! Here we go then! (Robin draws back his bow while looking over his shoulder. Slow-mo sequence ensues. The arrow bounces off objects, narrowly misses people [who slow-mo dive for cover], do crazy aerodynamic feats, manages to sweep Prince John's crown off his head and spears itself directly into the bullseye with the crown still in tow. Everyone slow-mo reacts until Alan gets back to his place, then normal pace resumes. Jubilation. Talone is slack jawed.)

TALONE: I don't believe it.

ROBIN: Not a bad shot, eh guv?

PRINCE JOHN: My crown! Give my crown back this instant!

ROBIN: (Retrieving it:) Oh, sorry guv. I know it's borrowed property, wouldn't want to soil it.

PRINCE: (Snatching it back:) It is NOT "borrowed property." It is MINE.

MARION: (Sweetly:) Oh but Sire. He does have a point. It doesn't really belong to you, does it?

(The Prince sputters and turns purple as the crowd laughs. The Prince storms off.)

TALONE: But your highness—the competition—

ROBIN: I'll take my arrows please guv.

TALONE: (Suspicious:) Yes. Your prize. Stranger. Roderigo. (He hands the quiver to Robin, who holds it aloft. The crowd CHEERS.)

MARION: (Approaching:) And now, the second part of your prize.

ROBIN: Ah, yes, m'lady. You make a peasant farmer blush to see you, you do.

MARION: The honor is all mine. (Quietly, to him:) You are a man of many names. (Regular voice:) Kneel. (Robin does. The Sheriff sneaks up behind Robin to handcuff him. Rucky sees this and steals away into position behind him.)

For displaying exceptional skill in marksmanship, I proclaim you the winner of the first Royal Archery Tournament, and beg you to receive my favor.

ROBIN: (Forgetting himself:) Your favor is worth more than a hundred thousand golden arrows, m'lady.

MARION: You speak so eloquently for a peasant farmer.

ROBIN: (Back in character:) I mean, c'or, m'lady, I thank ye kindly!

MARION: (Leaning in:) And now, the second part of your prize... (A shower of exploding pebbles. The Sheriff roars and rolls backward. The crowd reacts. Rucky stands and points.)

RUCKY: He was going to handcuff you, Robin!

TALONE: Robin? Robin Hood perchance?!

FLORA: Oh Rucky! (Talone rips the disguise off Robin.)

TALONE: The outlaw!

ROBIN: Another time, Your Highness. Merry men, to camp!

SCARLET: (Scooping up the arrows as she leaves:) I'll take these.

TALONE: Thieves! Return those arrows!

ALAN: Let's fight them!

ROBIN: Not with all these people here.

SCARLET: Everyone into the woods and scatter!

ROBIN: Now, Little John! (Little John appears [perhaps breaking disguise as well]. He roars a battle cry and engages the Sheriff as the Merry Men scramble through the chaotic crowd. Genevieve and Marion exit, as do Crowdspeople. Alan gathers up Flora and Rucky and exits. Robin and Scarlet confuse a Guard while John and the Sheriff continue their fight. Eventually all three Merry Men escape, leaving the Guard and the Sheriff fighting...each other.)

SHERIFF: Oh no. (Shaking the Guard by a hand around his neck:) I do NOT want to go back to the castle. (They reluctantly walk off...into the throne room scene. Marion and Genevieve before the furious Prince. Talone, the Sheriff, a Guard and a Servant [Richard].)

PRINCE JOHN: He was RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! And you STILL can't capture him.

SHERIFF: Sire...

PRINCE: SILENCE! I am TIRED of your pathetic excuses. He came right to us JUST like we planned, and still your

© Randy Wyatt This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. Robin Hood and the Heroes of Sherwood Forest 45 incompetence—AAAAAH!! Idiots. I'M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS.

MARION: I beg your pardon!

TALONE: Present company excluded, of course, m'lady.

MARION: It seems to me that only an idiot surrounds himself with idiots. Your Highness.

GENEVIEVE: M'lady!

MARION: It seems to me that only an idiot thinks he is a king by taxing the life out of his subjects. That only a total moron would think he could earn the respect of a kingdom by demanding blind obedience and draining the lifeblood from everyone. And only an idiot would call you king.

GENEVIEVE: (A terrified whisper:) Oh no!

MARION: (Right in his face:) Which is why I am not an idiot. Long. Live. King. Richard. (A frozen moment as everyone digests this audacious display. The Prince rises.)

PRINCE: Perhaps you are right, Marion. I have been, as you say, an idiot. I have allowed you to humiliate me at every turn, right here, in my own throne room, under my very nose. But. No. Longer.

MARION: You wouldn't dare do anything to me. The people would have your head.

PRINCE: Of course. Only an idiot would be so simple. But you see, despite what you say, m'lady, I am no idiot. (He whirls around and points at Genevieve:) Throw her in the dungeon! (Instantly the Sheriff and Guards are upon her.)

MARION: What? NO!

GENEVIEVE: M'lady! Help!

MARION: What is her crime?

PRINCE: She serves someone who annoyed me.

MARION: No! Take me instead!

PRINCE: Do I seem like an idiot? The people would have my head!

MARION: But she didn't do anything!

PRINCE: I am the king. I don't NEED a reason for what I do. Isn't that right, Marion? Am I not the king? (Silence.) Take her away.

MARION: WAIT! Yes. Alright yes. You are the king.

PRINCE: Kiss my hand and kneel while you say it.

GENEVIEVE: M'lady, I'd rather go to prison.

PRINCE: SILENCE. Marion? (Very reluctantly, Marion kneels and kisses Prince's ringed hand.)

MARION: You are the king.

PRINCE: Finally! (To Sheriff:) Take her away.

MARION: But I just—

PRINCE: I am the king. I do what I please. Off to prison with her.

SERVANT: Sire. This is absolutely unfair.

PRINCE: Well. EVERYBODY wants to go to prison today, don't they?

SERVANT: She has done nothing wrong.

PRINCE: How dare you speak when not spoken to? Throw this one in prison with her!

GENEVIEVE: (In tears:) M'lady, I told you! I told you so! (The Sheriff and the Guard lead Genevieve and the Servant off to prison. Marion watches helplessly.)

MARION: What is their ransom? I'll pay any amount.

PRINCE: One million farthings.

MARION: Done.

PRINCE: Did I say one? I meant two.

TALONE: Two million farthings?

MARION: Done!

PRINCE: Did I say two? I meant three.

TALONE: Three!

MARION: My jewelry will fetch a large sum.

PRINCE: Oh no, I won't take your money, m'lady. Not a cent.

MARION: You...won't take...

PRINCE: The price is three million farthings. But none of it may be your money. If the people want to free a girl whom they've never met and know nothing about, they are free to scrape together three million farthings for her release.

MARION: That's impossible. You have all their money.

PRINCE: Then she will rot in a cell until she is an old maid. What is it like to feel helpless, lady? You've directly caused the suffering of someone you care about. I may not be able to throw you in prison. But it seems I can make you suffer for your insolence anyway. Talone. Their bail is set at three million farthings.

TALONE: (Happily:) I'll print up a poster right away! © Randy Wyatt This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 48 Randy Wyatt

(Talone exits.)

PRINCE: Listen well, Marion. Money is freedom. Control the people's money and you control the people. So. Go now. Go to the villagers, door to door, and beg them for pennies to release your friend. Show them who is in control. That should be a lesson in humility you won't soon forget.

MARION: You. Are a coldhearted. Monster.

PRINCE: If I were you, m'lady, I'd remember that in the future. (Marion turns to go.)

And Marion? That's "King Coldhearted Monster" to you. (Marion storms out of the throne room. Prince waits until she's gone. Then he giggles and does a little dance. He sits back on the throne.)

Guard! (A Guard appears.)

Follow her. She will take you directly to Robin Hood's camp. (The Guard leaves. Lights down. Lights up in the camp in the forest. Tuck is cooking some stew. Alan enters with Flora and Rucky.)

FLORA: Are you listening to me, Rucky?

RUCKY: But I'm a hero! I kept Robin from getting handcuffed!

FLORA: You almost got him captured!

RUCKY: Robin Hood will never get captured.

FLORA: No more trying to help. It's all dangerous enough as it is. I want you to promise you will keep yourself out of harm's way from now on.

RUCKY: No promises.

FLORA: Rucky!

ALAN: Friar, where's Robin? I expected him to be here by now.

TUCK: You're the first folks I've seen.

RUCKY: Mmmm. Whatcha making?

TUCK: Oh, just some hearty stew. Good for the soul after a cold rain.

ALAN: Smells incredible.

TUCK: (Tasting:) Hmm. Salty. Flora, would you get me some apples to balance out the flavor?

FLORA: Of course, Friar.

ALAN: That tournament was obviously a trap.

TUCK: There's nothing Robin likes more than a trap.

ALAN: We can't keep teasing them like this. Something's going to happen.

FLORA: OH! (All turn to see what Flora yelped at. Natty is sitting in the apple barrel with an apple in her mouth. She looks like she's been recently rained on. She looks just as surprised to see everyone as everyone is to see her.)

RUCKY: What are YOU doing here? (Natty tries to get out of the barrel but Alan is there to hold onto her.)

ALAN: Oh no, you don't. What are you doing in our camp?

NATTY: I got lost in the forest after the festival and I got hungry.

RUCKY: Oh, well too bad for you.

TUCK: Poor thing. You're probably soaked.

ALAN: Poor thing?! She's the SHERIFF'S DAUGHTER.

FLORA: We saw her stealing apples from the merchant at the festival.

RUCKY: You eat too many apples!

ALAN: It's not wise to have her here. She's a spy.

NATTY: It's not my fault! I got lost!

FLORA: Are we supposed to believe that?

RUCKY: We should throw her in jail! Our own jail! Alan, let's make a jail to throw her in!

TUCK: Now, now. Are you hungry, little girl? (Natty pathetically nods her head, milking it for all she's worth. Maybe she whimpers. Rucky rolls his eyes.)

ALAN: Oh come ON.

TUCK: Hungry people need to be fed. ALL hungry people. Come over here, child. (Natty sticks her tongue out at Rucky and goes over to the cooking area. Tuck serves her.)

ALAN: Tuck, she shouldn't be here in camp.

TUCK: (Putting a blanket around Natty:) She's already here. (Robin enters with Little John.)

ALAN: THERE they are.

FLORA: Oh Robin. We were worried about you.

ROBIN: We took the scenic route home. Didn't we, John? (John grunts.)

That's enough out of you. Well well. Did we add someone new to our collective?

RUCKY: The Friar's FEEDING her!

ROBIN: That's our Tuck. He feeds everyone. Even you. Weren't you lost and hungry in the forest once?

RUCKY: (Reluctantly:) Yeah.

ROBIN: Well then.

LITTLE JOHN: Robin, someone's coming. (Alan rushes to see who it is. Robin looks at John.)

ROBIN: John. That was three whole words. In a ROW. Will you do it again?

LITTLE JOHN: Not likely. (Robin laughs.)

ALAN: I don't believe it. (Marion enters, exhausted. Alan helps her.)

ROBIN: (To her side:) M'lady!

MARION: (Out of breath:) Robin. Love.

ROBIN: What are you doing out here?

MARION: The Prince...he...

ROBIN: Come, come sit.

MARION: There's no time. He's thrown my handmaiden in jail to punish me.

ROBIN: And of course, he's set a bail for her release.

MARION: Yes.

ALAN: And of course, it's astronomical.

MARION: Three million farthings.

FLORA: Three million?

MARION: He won't let me pay it. It has to come from the villagers.

ROBIN: Which he knows will never happen.

MARION: She told me not to be so brash with him.

ROBIN: We'll get her out, m'lady. I promise you.

ALAN: A JAILBREAK, Robin? How are we to do that?

ROBIN: I'm not sure yet. But m'lady, I promise I will make things right.

MARION: (Near tears:) Will things ever be right? The more we do, the crueler and crueler he becomes.

ROBIN: Evil undoes itself, m'lady. One just has to hold on long enough to see it happen.

MARION: (Clenching her open hand:) In other words, one must have hope.

ROBIN: Beautifully put. I see you still have it.

MARION: It's slippery. But I do.

ROBIN: Well done.

ALAN: If I may interrupt. What is your plan for the jailbreak that is going to doom us all?

ROBIN: We need the keys.

ALAN: The prison keys? What an excellent plan. You're right! It's so easy. If we simply had prison keys, we could enact a jail break. That or a magic wand.

ROBIN: I think the keys will be cheaper.

ALAN: How are we supposed to get our hands on keys?!

(The Guard, bound and gagged, is pushed on stage and falls to the ground, making plenty of muffled noise. David enters. Scarlet comes in after, twirling keys:)

SCARLET: Did someone need keys?

ROBIN: Scarlet. As always, right in the nick of time. What would we do without you?

SCARLET: I'm still keeping the arrows, Robin.

DAVID: Don't I account for anything?

FLORA: Um. Did anyone notice where that girl went? (Everyone looks. Natty is gone.)

ALAN: Oh, that's not good.

TUCK: She didn't even finish her stew.

RUCKY: Hey! She stole my rucksack! (Lights down. The prison. Genevieve is there, looking worse for wear, staring out the iron-barred window. The Servant is here, hooded and sleeping against the wall. Talone enters outside the cell with some bread.)

GENEVIEVE: Finally!

TALONE: Suppertime for prisoners!

GENEVIEVE: We haven't eaten since you threw us in here!

TALONE: Perhaps that will make you think twice about disrespecting the king.

GENEVIEVE: I didn't do anything!

TALONE: I just came from the royal banquet. What a delight! I can barely walk from being so well fed. Roast duck and fresh root vegetables and succulent puddings. Oh, it was like dining in heaven!

GENEVIEVE: Oh, don't talk about food! © Randy Wyatt This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 54 Randy Wyatt

TALONE: Here's some leftover bread crusts and gristle. Very generous of his majesty, I think. I'd let you thank him, but he's gone to bed, and besides, he doesn't walk down into cold, moldy dungeons.

GENEVIEVE: And drink?

TALONE: The bucket in the corner collects rainwater. That should suffice. You're prisoners, not hotel guests. I'll be sure to let you know when Marion collects your bail money! Perhaps you'll still be alive by then. (He laughs and exits, slamming the door. His laughter wakes the Servant.)

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