Rising up Moving On

Rising Up Moving On women writing our lives I Rising Up Moving On women writing our lives II III Contents Foreword 2 Introduction 4 From being nothing to being someone 11 Fikile Zikhali My life is like a rose now 21 Jade Shari Abrahams Love is blossoming 29 Cindy The storm is over 39 Published by Nisaa Institute for Women’s Development Charmz 19 Link St, Ext 1, Lenasia. Tel: (011) 854 5804/5 Fax: (011) 854 5718 Dress and heal 53 Judith Mbatha November 2013 Flowing with the river 65 ISBN 978-0-620-58630-6 Veena Naidoo With funding support from the Federal Ministry for Economic Strong and proud – leaving sorrow behind 79 Cooperation and Development (BMZ) and OXFAM Deutschland. Sedibe Building a brighter future 85 Mapule Learning from life’s challenges 97 Ukufunda Ezingqinambeni Zempilo 102 J. Sothole I did not drown, I survived 109 Fikile Krolis No greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you 119 Umme-Muhammed The opinions of authors or participants in this document do not necessarily reflect those of the Nisaa Institute for Women’s Development, OXFAM, its staff or the BMZ. Organisations offering support 132 4 1 Rising Up Moving On Foreword This publication is testimony to the fact that we all have Foreword powerful stories to tell. Even though the women writers of these stories had no prior experience in writing, and no time or space to write on their own, they have done a sterling job in his publication aims to make visible women’s voices articulating their stories. and experience. It aims to inspire other women facing I would like to congratulate the women participants for digging violence to seek support and find ways to overcome the T deep into their souls in order to write these stories. The process abuse they experience. It aims also to promote our ongoing was not an easy one, especially since it often meant re- public awareness and lobbying work at the Nisaa Institute for experiencing and grappling with past trauma as they wrote. Women’s Development (Nisaa) and to serve as a tool for our organisational learning. Nisaa would like to express our appreciation to Oxfam Germany and the BMZ for the sponsorship of the project as The rationale of the writing project was to take women’s well as to the facilitators: Shamim Meer, Michel Friedman empowerment a step further to enable women to experience and Nyasha Mukuwane, for their wonderful effort and healing and closure through the writing of their own stories. commitment to this project and for working alongside Nisaa in Writing enables the writer to step back to look at her life, to get a constructive, amicable and sisterly manner. n a clearer understanding of her past and present reality. Writing takes the writer into a depth of introspection, and can serve as the beginning of a longer, more profound process of change. Zubeda Dangor Writing enables what is in the heart to come through in words. Nisaa Executive Director The conceptualisation and planning for this project began September 2013 in March 2012 through internal consultation between Nisaa Institute for Women’s Development and Oxfam Germany in liaison with the BMZ (the Federal Ministry for Economic Cooperation and Development of the German Government). External consultations were conducted with Shamim Meer to customise the healing and writing workshops. Initially our plan was to select former women residents from the Nisaa shelter. However, our plans had to be modified in relation to the realities faced by many women. Some did not have child care to be able to attend a residential workshop. Some were unable to take time off work, and others were not ready to share their painful experiences in a publication. 2 3 Rising Up Moving On Introduction In the words of the writers: Introduction “If one woman reading my story will know she is worth it, then I am happy.” (Charmz) he stories in this book tell of women rising up to “My aim is to spread the message to other women find the strength to say no to abuse. They tell of women who may be trapped in violent relationships, who Tfinding the power to move on, to assert that they are may not know where or how to obtain assistance, people of worth, that they are beautiful, courageous and strong. that there is life after abuse.” (Umme-Muhammed) That they are full human beings deserving of dignity and love, “When you share your problems, it is easy to move for who they are, and not for what their families and society on with your life.” (Fikile Zikhali) expect them to be. The writers tell of the depths of their hurt by the men they loved and who seemed to love them back – until “There is life after abuse – we can discover we are things began to change. strong and we can be happy if we live our lives free.” (Cindy) The experiences of these eleven writers are not unusual. In the world we live in today violence from intimate partners For each writer an important part of her journey was the continues to be the experience of far too many women. realisation that life could be different. This realisation took each woman out of a situation she had come to see as normal, As these writers tell us, the messages to young girls from as her lot in life. parents and society continue to be that a woman must submit, obey her man, and sacrifice her own happiness to make men “I realised there is life out there without an abusive feel they are important and to keep families together. That the relationship.” (Judith Mbatha) man is in charge even when he beats you, makes you feel like “What I had to do was leave this poisonous nothing. Even when he does not support you. relationship which was eroding my self worth and These messages from parents and society across religions, confidence.” (Veena Naidoo) cultures and countries get women to submit. And they enable Each writer relates her struggles to get to this place of freedom. the situation where women become victims of abuse. Each The writers relate the wisdom they grew from their wounds. writer tells of her personal journey – of reaching a point Fikile Krollis tells us: “My bruises, pain, suffering, and where she resisted these messages and of reaching a place of disappointment did not discourage me. In fact it gave me the freedom. strength to go forward, working hard for the goals I wanted to The writers want to send out one central message: that there achieve.” is life after abuse. That women can rise up, rebuild their lives, While each one of these women writers found her personal way and move on through finding support from other women, from to freedom from continued oppression at the hands of the men counselling support and from entering a shelter in times when they once loved, and who once loved them, their stories all cry they need a place of safety. out for a better world for all women. A world where women are 4 5 Rising Up Moving On Introduction seen as full human beings worthy of dignity. Sedibe tells us: The blossoming was not only in their writing but also in their “Every woman deserves respect and dignity. Women need to be whole being. Brenda who runs the retreat centre was convinced loved and accepted. Women need to be listened to and should that the women leaving at the end of our process were not the not live in threatening situations.” same women who had entered the centre on day one. “But None of these women would have seen themselves as writers. they look so different,” she marvelled. The smiles, the sense They wrote these stories in a series of workshops which of freedom, the delight and joy on the writers’ faces led her to provided space, time, inspiration and support. The workshops remark: “You ladies look like you have spring in you!” were led by three facilitators who brought together our skills The writing and healing combination helped the writers to in writing, healing and counselling. Our workshop design unburden themselves, enabled a shining to come through the was inspired by the work of writing teachers Loiuse Dunlap, wounds, and helped them to see their lives in new ways. Michele Weldon and Natalie Goldberg. We drew on Capacitar “Each lady was treated with respect and dignity. It and other mind-body-spirit healing techniques. became very emotional at times but the facilitators There were long stretches of time over the days we spent gave us the support we needed. There were times together where the women just wrote. Their words poured onto we laughed together; there were times we cried their pages as they sat under the shade of huge trees, or in a together. I really enjoyed every moment and it was flower-trimmed corner of the retreat garden where we held our a pleasure for me to be part of this book.” (Charmz) workshops. “Writing the story helped me. There were many These writers were brave enough to delve into past pain, to things I kept inside and could not talk it out. But reflect deeply on their lives and to share this through their with writing I told it. I felt like telling more, like I stories. They searched deep within themselves. They used their can write and write and write. It healed me, made words to paint pictures of their experiences. me see things in another way.

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