Designed by Chris Catchpole Illustrated by Sarah Buller Parenting under the microscope

A report commissioned by Lever Fabergé, a Unilever company, and researched and written by Laura Edwards on behalf of ippr trading ltd, focusing on the challenges and support needs of today’s parents.

LEVER FABERGÉ LTD IPPR TRADING LTD

3 St James’s Road, 30-32 Southampton Street, Kingston-Upon-Thames, Surrey KT1 2BA London WC2E 7RA +44 (0)20 8439 6585 +44 (0)20 7470 6100 www.leverfaberge.co.uk ippr trading ltd is the trading subsidiary Lever Fabergé Ltd is the UK of Britain’s leading progressive think- manufacturing and marketing operating tank, the Institute for Public Policy company of Unilever in home and Research (ippr). The views expressed in personal care products such as Dove publications are those of the author. and Persil.

Being involved with research gives UNILEVER Lever Fabergé a broader understanding of the changes taking place in society Unilever is all about adding Vitality in order to go on meeting the needs of to life. It meets everyday needs for people as well as better informing its nutrition, hygiene, and personal care support of the local communities and people choose Unilever’s brands – within which it operates. from Knorr, Hellmann’s, Wall’s and Lipton to Dove, Surf, Domestos and The Lever Fabergé Family Report 2002 Lux – 150 million times a day. They examined Lifelong Parenting and the help people feel good, look good and emergence of the ‘Boomerang Kid’ get more out of life, in all the 150 where 20-something children live at countries in which they are sold. home longer and return to the nest more often. In 2003, the Family Report examined the relationship between happiness and children. It created new understanding as to why people are delaying parenthood and debunked the myth that women without children become more desperate for children as they get older.

The Family Reports provide insights for policymakers into the structure of modern society. They also help shape Lever Fabergé’s marketing initiatives, brand development, community and HR policies. the changing shape of British family life

Contents

Page 4 Foreword by Keith Weed, Chairman, Lever Fabergé Ltd

Page 5 Summary

Page 8 Introduction

Page 9 Section one: What do families look like in Britain today?

Page 11 Section two: Parental well-being

Page 14 Section three: The parenting life course

Page 16 Section four: The testing teens

Page 20 Section five: Parenting pitfalls

Page 26 Section six: Implications

Page 29 Bibliography

Page 30 Appendix 1 Survey details

Page 31 Appendix 2 Case study details

Acknowledgments With thanks to Laura Edwards, Miranda Lewis, Rachel O’Brien and Kate Stanley at ippr; John Ballington, Helen Fenwick, Emma Flack, Greg McNeill and Keith Weed at Lever Fabergé and Emma French, Fraser Hardie, Chris Jones, Nick Keegan, Kitty Robinson and Emma Wosskow at Blue Rubicon.

3 by Keith Weed, Chairman, Lever Fabergé Ltd

As a father of three children The report reveals that as the challenges At Lever Fabergé we place enormous The insights that continue to be I have more than a professional facing parents rise in the teenage years, value on endeavouring to understand uncovered in the Lever Fabergé Family interest in The Lever Fabergé for many of them, the levels of support people in their totality - not simply as Reports inform the future of our brands, actually fall. This is defined in the purchasers of our products. As a help our customers – the retailers – to Family Report. With my eldest report as the parental ‘see-saw’ and consequence, and through the Lever better meet the needs of people and reaching the age of 13, this shows that the consequence for many Fabergé Family Report, we are able to contribute to the development of our own year’s research comes at a parents is isolation, anxiety and silence. contribute to the public and policy parent-friendly employment practices. particularly pertinent time for debate on the family. my own family! Most parents of teenagers feel unable to Furthermore, the research supports the share the challenges they face with other Last year the Family Report research work of hundreds of our employees who parents and there appears to be a major examined the relationship between volunteer for a range of activities to help gap in institutional support. All this at a happiness and children. It created new children and families. They include the time when society is putting parents and understanding as to why people are support of the East Leeds Family parenting under the microscope. These delaying parenthood and debunked the Learning Centre, the reading and are significant findings for all who care myth that women without children numbers schemes where our people go about the family. become desperate for children as into local schools to support literacy and they get older. numeracy drives and the numerous Understanding the challenges and joys family-based projects that take place of families is the bedrock of our In particular, the research showed why around our sites and factories. business. Brands such as Persil, Dove, women are choosing to have children Domestos and Lynx are present in nine later and consequently, why families are Within the following pages, there is out of ten homes and with 2.5 million getting smaller. The feeling amongst much for policy makers, business, supermarket transactions every day we women of a “mother tax” whereby family-focused organisations and are in constant contact with the British income, career and lifestyle are all ordinary individuals to think about. family. In addition, with over 2000 impacted by children was especially At Lever Fabergé we are proud to employees in the UK there will also be important. make a contribution to a debate of many people in Lever Fabergé for whom such importance. family matters are a daily issue. In 2002, the study examined the prospect of Lifelong Parenting, heralding the arrival of the ‘Boomerang Kid’, where 20-something children - particularly boys - are living at home for longer and returning to the nest more often.

4 1 Lever Fabergé Family Report 2003, Stanley, Edwards and Hatch

Parenting is under The report is based on original It is also clear that parents today think Over half of parents with teenagers quantitative and qualitative research as they have a harder task than their own sometimes worry that they do not do the microscope. well as a literature review. A survey of parents. Sixty one per cent of mothers a good enough job as a parent. over a thousand parents was conducted. and 54 per cent of fathers think that Mothers and lone parents, who are How well children do at school, whether All of the parents surveyed had at least they have a more difficult job than their predominantly women, are most likely they get involved in anti-social one teenager living at home, many also own mother and father. Each generation to worry. Sixty three per cent of mothers behaviour and how healthy they are, for had younger children. Case study of parents may always judge its job to sometimes worry about whether they’re example, are all seen to be dependent interviews were also conducted with six be more difficult than that of the doing a good enough job, reflecting the on the ability of their parents to ‘do a different families. Key findings are previous generation. However, the high more involved role that many women good job’. Parents clearly have a highlighted below and discussed in percentage (over 60 per cent) of lone play in care-giving. The finding also responsibility for their children’s greater depth in the body of the report. parents and parents living with suggests that mothers, although active behaviour; they also have a right to live stepchildren who believe that they have participants in the workplace, may in a society which creates a supportive Parenting anxiety a more difficult job than their own judge themselves as much (if not more) environment in which to raise children. parents, suggests that the more diverse on the job they do in the home. The Lever Fabergé Family Report 2004 The research highlights a tension family structures that exist today Fathers are not far behind, however. explores how parents talk and think between the positive and negative sides present new and complex challenges. Fifty one per cent of fathers sometimes about parenting and focuses on how of parenting and points to a gap in worry that they do not do a good support for parents, particularly those support for parents of teenagers. Nine There is a strong link between parenting enough job. As expectations of fathers with teenagers, can be improved. in ten parents report being satisfied styles, the quality of parent-child to play a more active and hands-on role with their lives, of these, four in ten relationships and child well-being. in bringing up children increase, The report also focuses on parental reports being ‘very satisfied’. Being a Authoritative parenting, which fathers may become as critical of the well-being. It builds on the Lever parent is judged to have mainly combines warmth, responsiveness and job they do as fathers as mothers are of Fabergé Family Report 20031 which positive impacts on other things in life, high expectations, is seen as the the job they do as mothers. sought to understand the link between including relationships, motivation and optimum parenting style and most children and happiness. The Lever productivity at work, general health, likely to lead to child well-being. continued over Fabergé Family Report 2004 looks at mood and stress levels. This is not the However, the difficulty of the parenting how satisfied parents are and what whole story, however. Being a parent, task is reflected in the level of self- impinges on their well-being. according to parents themselves, has doubt felt by parents. The majority of Promoting the well-being of parents mainly negative impacts on their sleep, both mothers and fathers are critical of is valid not only because it is likely to energy level and their sex life, for the job they do as parents and worry lead to positive outcomes for children example. We also know from the Lever that they don’t always get it right. but because it impacts on how able Fabergé Family Report 2003 that parents are to function in society as a having children can put a strain on whole, in their families, in the work relationships, finances and careers. place and in their own communities.

5 2 See for example Gordon 2003

continued

Testing teens The number of difficult dilemmas that The struggling few Money matters parents face is likely to go up as their When asked what age in their child’s children hit their teenage years, but While the teenage years can be a Part of the struggle of bringing up development they have found most parents’ perception of the support they difficult time for most parents they are teenagers, for all parents and not just a difficult there is overwhelming receive from society goes down. Rather genuinely challenging for a minority minority, concerns money. The costs of agreement among parents that the than feeling supported they are more who really struggle. One in seventeen bringing up children can be high. Four teenage years are most testing. Three likely to feel isolated. Seventy-four parents with teenagers are unsatisfied in ten parents find it difficult to buy the quarters of parents with teenagers per cent of parents think that society with their lives. These parents are more things that their children want, this think that between the ages of thirteen is more supportive of parents with likely to be lone parents, young parents rises to six in ten lone parents and and eighteen are the hardest years. younger children than it is of parents (those under 35 with teenage parents on low incomes. Five in ten This is not surprising. The teen years with teenagers. children), those not working and parents put ‘more money’ top of the are a time of considerable change. parents from minority ethnic groups. list of things that would most improve There is particular emphasis on the Parenting in silence Parents who are unsatisfied their life as a parent. There are two early teenage years between 13 and consistently score significantly higher stories behind the figures. The first 15 being the most difficult, pointing Parents with teenagers appear to parent on a range of negative factors than concerns the fact that the level of to the crucial transition that these in silence, reluctant to speak out when other parents: 82 per cent worry that spending on children expected and ages represent. Children are pushing things go wrong for fear that they may they’re not doing a good enough job; encouraged of today’s parents is high. for greater autonomy and be branded a failure. They do not 64 per cent think that being a parent Even parents on higher incomes state independence; challenging parental always know what to do when has a mainly negative impact on their that they have difficulty buying the authority and spending more time presented with difficult dilemmas but energy levels; 61 per cent find it things their children want. The second, away from the home. Parents have are likely to face them on their own. difficult to spend as much time with more worrying story concerns the been parents for 13 years or more by One in five parents with teenagers, for their children as they would like; 58 significant numbers of families that this point but the transition to the example, finds it difficult to discipline per cent find it difficult to discipline can’t afford what their children need, teen years may make them feel that their children and more than one in ten their children and over half think that let alone what their children want. The they are starting from scratch. finds it difficult to keep their children being a parent has a mainly negative evidence to suggest that a significant away from drink and drugs. However, impact on their general health. For this proportion of families struggle to get by That the teenage years are testing is 53 per cent of parents wish it were group – the ‘struggling few’ - there is a financially is compelling2. Data shows not surprising. What is surprising is the easier to talk to other fathers and clear sense of anxiety and doubt in that children are disproportionately gap between how difficult parents find mothers with teenage children about their ability to do a good enough job. present in low-income households. their job at this time and how well the challenges of being a parent. This While a minority overall, when mapped For a significant minority of parents, supported they feel. There is a represents over 1.5 million mothers and on to the total population more than making ends meet is a priority. see-saw effect. fathers with teenage children in real 200,000 parents with teenagers as well terms. The figure rises to 60 per cent as younger children could fall into this of those on lower incomes and 70 per category. These parents need support cent of those living with stepchildren. and encouragement to boost their confidence, skills and know-how.

6 Another challenge for parents with For parents who feel isolated and Another conclusion to draw from our A final area where there is clear scope teenagers, as well as those with unsure there is a need to boost support research is the need for greater focus to boost support for parents of younger children, is balancing work networks. Strengthening informal links on parents with teenagers in work-life teenagers is in the provision of and family life. It is not just in the between parents and helping them to balance debates. It is not just parents affordable and accessible activities and early years and childhood that parents share their skills and reflect on the with younger children who would like clubs for young people. There is a may want more flexibility in the hours challenges they face could play an more time to spend with their children growing emphasis on supporting they work and more time to spend with important role in helping them through but those with teenagers too. Part of children and their parents in early their children. Parents with teenagers the difficult times. Part of the the challenge for government and childhood through the provision of want work-life balance too. Forty one challenge is in developing a culture employers is to create an environment activities and children’s centres but per cent of fathers and 35 per cent of in which it is okay for parents with in which it is legitimate for parents of this needs to be matched with a similar mothers with teenage children state teenagers to admit that they don’t teenagers to ask for time off or flexible commitment to supporting parents with that they find it quite or very difficult to always have the answers. Parents working hours in order to attend school teenagers. Forty five per cent of parents spend as much time with their children should be encouraged and enabled events or simply spend time with their state that more activities and youth as they would like. to create support networks, in the teenagers when they’re going through clubs for their children to attend is workplace, in their communities and difficulties. It may be that it is more what would most improve their life as Supporting parents on the internet, for example. These acceptable for those with younger a parent. The provision of affordable networks would give them the time children to negotiate flexible activities and places for teenagers to go The research findings point to a number and space to support each other and arrangements on family grounds than would help parents give their teenagers of changes that would boost support for develop the parenting know-how and it is for parents of teenagers to do so. the freedom to go out and develop their parents, particularly those with confidence that parent-toddler groups Currently only parents with children independence without worrying about teenagers. More money is top of the and informal gatherings at the school under six have a right to ask their their safety or whether they will get parents’ wish lists and this is clearly a gates offer parents with younger employer for flexible working into trouble. Such activities and places priority for those on low incomes who children. Examples of good practice arrangements. for teenagers to ‘hang-out’ need to be struggle to make ends meet. There is already exist but they need to be more developed with imagination. There are also a need to find ways to ensure that widespread and better known. pockets of innovation, such as ‘dry’ parents of teenagers feel more pubs for teenagers and outdoor youth supported and less isolated. Policy shelters where young people can spend makers, employers, and society at large time without being accused of need to recognise that the challenges troublemaking, for example. These of being a parent increase rather than innovations need to become more decrease as children reach their teenage widespread in order to support years. While it is normal for parents to teenagers as well as their parents. discuss teething problems or the ‘terrible twos’, we leave parents to cope with the testing teens largely in silence.

7 3 Alstott 2004 4 For full details of the polling and case study interviews see appendices

“In the not-so-distant past, This study is about mothers, fathers The report focuses on how support for This report is based on original and parenting. The importance of ‘good’ parents, particularly those with quantitative and qualitative research child-rearing was an parenting in contributing to positive teenagers, might be improved. If we undertaken in April and May 2004. A economic bargain as much social outcomes is increasingly expect parents to fulfil the myriad of survey of over 1,000 parents, including as an emotional venture: emphasised by government, policy responsibilities that we assign them – 500 mothers and 500 fathers, and a makers and practitioners. Parents make from feeding their children a healthy series of in-depth interviews with children provided a small a private decision to have children but diet to getting involved in their members of six different families was platoon of workers for the when they do so they step into an children’s education to instilling in conducted4. While there is increasing increasingly public role. How well them civic values and standards of public and political consensus about the farm or factory and an children do at school, whether they get socially acceptable behaviour – are we need to support parents in the early economic hedge against involved in anti-social behaviour, how doing enough to provide them with the years, we were keen to focus on how the illness, disability and old healthy they are and how they develop tools, resources and support to do that job of parenting changes over time as socially for example, are all seen to be job well? children grow up. All of the parents in age. […] Today, society dependent on the ability of their the survey had at least one teenager expects parents to do the parents to ‘do a good job’. Parenting is The study is also interested in parental living at home, half also had younger under the microscope. How parents act well-being. It builds on the Lever children. We have set our findings in the intensive work of preparing as parents and what they do is Fabergé Family Report 2003 which context of existing evidence and analysis children for life – to increasingly the subject of public sought to understand the link between on families, parenting and well-being. supervise a lengthy period of policy debates and scrutiny. children and happiness. The Lever Fabergé Family Report 2004 seeks to This report focuses on what families look education and to give priority This study starts from the widely held understand how satisfied parents are like in Britain today and the diversity of to their children’s needs for premise that while parents clearly have and what impinges on their well-being. family relationships. It explores how responsibilities, they also have rights. Not It suggests that we should be parents talk about the challenges of nearly two decades. As a least of these is a right to the necessary interested in parents not only because being a parent and how able they feel result, parenthood has support that they need to do the ‘good we want the best possible outcomes for they are to meet the expectations placed become an extraordinarily job’ that society expects of them. children (important though this is) but on them. It recognises that parenting is because promoting parental well-being not something that stays static but is a demanding social role, is important in its own right. Failure to role which changes and must respond to requiring a complete support parents can have negative new challenges as children get older. WARNING: restructuring of economic impacts on the economy, on The report focuses on transition points CHILDREN community life and on the quality of for parents and looks at the ages in their and personal lives” family life itself. child’s development that they find most difficult. The Lever Fabergé Family Report Anne Alstott3 2004 concludes by setting out thinking on areas where support for parents and their children could be boosted.

8 5 Social Trends No 34 6 Social Trends No. 33 7 Lewis 2000 8 Social Trends 34

fig.1 What do families look like in Britain today?

77 per cent of children live in a family headed Families today are more diverse in While the majority of children still live In 1990, 28 per cent of births in the by a couple structure than they have ever been. The in couple households, it is important to UK were outside of marriage; in 2003 8 web of relationships between mothers, highlight the increase in single parent this figure had risen to 41 per cent . 23 per cent of children fathers, stepmothers, stepfathers, non- households. In 1992, 15 per cent of live in lone-parent families resident fathers, non-resident mothers children lived in lone parent households; Family structures vary across different and their children and stepchildren can in 2003 this figure had risen to 23 per ethnic groups. Asian families are Of these families with dependent children - 8 be complicated. There is talk of the cent. Single mothers head around 9 out significantly less likely to be lone parent per cent are stepfamilies 6 decline of the ‘traditional’ family unit of of 10 lone parent families. This is not to families than all other ethnic groups. two parents and dependent children. say that fathers play no part in these Only 11 per cent of Asian households But while there has been a shift over families. One study suggests, for are lone parent households. However, fig.2 Breakdown of families with time and families today are more diverse example, that 70 per cent of non- mixed ethnicity families are significantly in structure, the shape of families in resident fathers still have contact with more likely to be lone parent dependent children Britain still tends to follow the mould of their children7. However, the day-to-day households. Forty three per cent of a couple with dependent children. The job of parenting in lone parent black families in the UK are lone parent majority of children still live with both of households is one that falls primarily on families, and 39 per cent of mixed their birth parents and in ‘couple’ mothers. The increase in lone parent ethnicity families are lone parent households. In 2003, 77 per cent of households can be attributed to a families. This compares with 22 per children lived in couple families5. These number of factors. In part, it is a result cent of white families that are lone couples are less likely to be married of the increase in the divorce rate over parent families. than they were in the past (although the the last few decades, although this majority still do marry) and are more peaked in 1993 and has fallen and See fig.2 Couple families Couples families Lone mother families likely to include stepmothers and steadied since. It can also be attributed with 2 or more with 1 child with 2 or more stepfathers but the ‘two adults and to the number of people having children children children dependent children’ model still outside of marriage. Lone mother Lone father Lone father families families with families with with 2 or more dominates. 1 child 1 child children

See fig.1

9 9 The average age of entry to motherhood is five years later for women with higher qualifications than it is for those without according to Smallwood and Jefferies 2003 10 Lever Fabergé Family Report 2002, Wicks and Asato 11 Social Trends No 34 12 Kodz 2003 13 Census 2001 14 Social Trends 34

Case study: There have also been changes in the We also know that it is no longer Family life may be more complex now X make-up of families as a whole. The age accurate to see the typical family as one than it has ever been. A growing number The Martins profile of parents is older than it was in which the father is the sole of parents, mainly women, are assuming even 10 years ago. As the Lever Fabergé breadwinner. There is increasing primary responsibility for parenting on Karen lives with her new partner Family Report 2003 highlighted, people recognition and expectation of fathers’ their own. There are more parents Mike and with her two children, John are having children later in life. The roles in actively caring for and bringing dealing with the challenges of parenting aged 12 and Claire aged 16 (they average age of mothers at the time of up children. The struggle to find a good in stepfamilies where they must The Martins are soon to be joined by a friend of birth in the UK is now over 29. This has balance between work and family life for negotiate their role as a parent for Claire’s who is moving out of her increased by more than two years in the women and men has intensified in part children for whom they are not birth father’s house because of difficulties last two decades and is higher for those due to progress in increasing women’s parents. There are also parents living in their relationship). The children’s in higher socio-economic groups9. Older participation in the workforce but also away from their children who must work father lives nearby with his new wife. parents are more likely to be established more broadly the development of a out how to be parents from a distance, John visits his dad at the weekends. in work and have greater financial culture of long work hours. Fathers in negotiating a new model for parenting His dad’s new wife also has two security but the widening age gap may Britain work some of the longest hours with their ex-partner. There are also children (girls aged 5 and 7) who present new challenges to them as in Europe12. However, despite changes more parents coming to parenting later also visit at the weekends. parents. in the shape of the family and the in life and for many parents there increasing participation of women in the appears to be an extension in the time Case study: Another key trend in the make-up of workplace, the care role of parenting is they spend living with their children. families as a whole is the increase in still delivered primarily by mothers. The Greens the length of time that children are staying at home. The Lever Fabergé Parents and children in the UK Living at home are mum and Family Report 2002 10 highlighted the stepdad (recently married), two significant percentage of young people • There are nearly 15 million young children (boys aged 7 and 17), other in their twenties living with their people aged 19 and under in the UK son aged 19 is at university but lives parents. In 2003 over half of men aged making up around a quarter of the at home in the holidays. 20-24 and over a third of females aged total population13 At weekends and in the school 20-24 were living with their parents11. • Over 5 million of these young people holidays two daughters (13 and 8) are teenagers aged 13 to 19 X from stepdad’s previous marriage • Twenty-seven per cent of households stay. Stepdaughters live with their in the UK are occupied by families mother and her new partner. Both with dependent children – this makes sets of parents have to negotiate on a total of 6.6 million households14 parenting style/ rules for the two girls in order to avoid mixed messages about what is and is not allowed. The Greens

10 15 See for example Nickerson and Nagle 2004 16 Suldo and Huebner 2004 17 Dew and Huebner 1996 18 Eurobaromoeter 60.1, Autumn 2003.

The Lever Fabergé Family Report 2003 Research often focuses on the study of There is a strong link between parenting The total of 93 per cent of parents highlighted the complex relationship child well-being above that of parental styles, the quality of parent-child being satisfied with their lives is between children and happiness. It well-being, although the two are clearly relationships and child well-being. marginally higher than life satisfaction showed that children can be mixed connected. There is a significant body of Authoritative parenting, which combines data for the whole of the UK which blessings. Many parents are quick to work on the importance of attachment warmth, responsiveness and high shows that 88 per cent of the attribute their happiness to their for child well-being, first defined by expectations, is seen as the optimum population report being satisfied with children, particularly mothers. But the John Bowlby in the 1950s. In brief, parenting style and most likely to lead to the life they lead18. Parents also feel report highlighted that children can also attachment theory asserts that security, child well-being. One study found that that being a parent has largely positive contribute to relationship problems, to open communication and understanding teenagers’ perception of the quality of impacts on other aspects of their life. financial difficulty, to putting career in the parent-child relationship leads to their relationship with their parents was The majority state that being a parent ambitions on hold (particularly for positive outcomes for children and their the strongest predictor of their life has a mainly positive impact on their women) and to anxiety. Many parents are effective social and emotional satisfaction and more important than, relationship, on their mood and stress quick to affirm that they have no regrets development. This is important in the for example, their perception of their level, on their general health and on about having children but the Lever teenage as well as the early years. It is physical appearance17. their motivation and productivity at Fabergé Family Report 2003 stressed continuity of care, and not just the work. Children can provide shape and the need for public policy to focus on forming of early attachments, that A positive relationship with their purpose to their parents’ lives and it alleviating the negative impacts. children need to develop their parents boosts the life satisfaction of appears that this sense of fulfilment can capabilities. Studies show that both adolescents but what about the life rub off on their sense of drive at work The Lever Fabergé Family Report 2004 parent trust and communication with satisfaction of parents themselves? and the strength of their relationship. builds on this work. It focuses on parents are good predictors of life What enhances and what impinges on parental well-being and ‘life satisfaction among adolescents15. Poor the well-being of parents? “Knowing that your family is strong and satisfaction’, a term used widely in relationships between parents can have on your side is the best feeling ever” psychological literature to describe a a negative impact on the well-being of Parenting positives Father, remarried and living with stepchildren person’s evaluation of his or her life as a both parent and child. whole. Parental well-being is an Although international survey data on “The best bits are spending time important focus for study. Promoting the “The more adolescents perceive their happiness shows that children have a together, I love doing things with them well-being of parents is valid not only parents are monitoring their activities, statistically insignificant impact on our and going out to places” because it is likely to lead to positive providing them with emotional and happiness, parents in our survey were, Single mother outcomes for children but because it instrumental support, and encouraging overwhelmingly, very or quite satisfied impacts on how able parents are to them to express individuality and think with their lives as parents. The overall “I like having a big family, it means function in society as a whole, in their independently, the higher their life picture is positive and shows parenting we don’t get much of a social life families, in the work place and in their satisfaction is likely to be” 16 to be in good health. Forty six per cent sometimes but I don’t miss it. I don’t own communities. of parents were ‘very satisfied’ with their know what I’d do without the kids; it’s a life as a parent, whilst 48 per cent nice feeling being responsible for them” stated that they were ‘quite satisfied’. Father with three children

11 fig.3 Does being a parent have a mainly positive or mainly negative impact on…

Your relationship We know too, however, that having “My marriage broke up, I had to look Of these parents reporting low levels of Your mood and stress level children can also have negative impacts. after two kids, keep a job and make life satisfaction, eight in ten worry that The Lever Fabergé Family Report 2003 sure they were in school” they do not do a good enough job as a Your general health highlighted, for example, that children Father parent, six in ten find it difficult to Your motivation at work can put a strain on relationships. How to spend as much time with their children bring up children might be the cause of “Spending quality time with them as they would like and over half find it How productive you are at work arguments within a relationship or a can be difficult as a single parent. difficult to discipline their children. The period of child ill-health may limit the You feel guilty about working but quotes below, taken from parents Your sleep time a couple has to spend together you need the money” reporting low levels of satisfaction,

Your energy level alone. In this year’s survey of parents Single mother highlight the difficulties that parents with teenagers, 14 per cent of parents can face. Your sex life state that being a parent had a mainly See fig.3 negative impact on their relationship. “It’s difficult because I work full time. Being a parent can also be draining. The struggling few My son has his own agenda so when I Thirty per cent of parents state that come in from work he’s not at home. It fig.4 Challenges facing parents who are being a parent has a mainly negative While the majority of parents report means we don’t have time to talk about not satisfied with their lives as parents impact on their energy level and 17 per being ‘satisfied’ with their lives, and any issues” cent state that being a parent has a four in ten ‘very satisfied’, it is Mother of teenage son Sometimes worry mainly negative impact on their mood important to look also at the minority of that they don’t do a good enough job as a parent and stress level. In relation to work, parents who report low levels of life “It’s sex, drugs, alcohol, coming in late, Think that being a parent most parents state that being a parent satisfaction. In our survey a core not going to school. Basically doing has a mainly negative impact on their energy levels has a mainly positive impact on their minority of parents, around one in everything they shouldn’t” Find it difficult to spend productivity and motivation in the seventeen (6 per cent), appear to be Single mother with two teenage children as much time with children as they would like workplace. However, we know also that struggling and unhappy. This is clearly a Find it difficult the British labour market carries wage minority but when mapped on to the “Trying to get him to go to school is to buy the things that their children want penalties for having children. There is in total parent population (a total of 6.6. difficult. He’s always bunking off and I Find it difficult to effect a ‘mother tax’ which means that million households in Britain are find it a big problem” discipline their children women with children earn less than families living with dependent children) Single father with a teenage son Think that being a parent has a mainly negative impact women without children. In addition, it is estimated that it represents more on their general health while fathers may feel productive and than 200,000 mothers and fathers. See fig.4 Find it difficult to help their children with motivated as a result of having children, These parents report being not very or their school work they also work some of the longest hours not at all satisfied with their life as in Europe. parents. These parents are more likely to be lone parents, young parents (those under 35 with teenage children), those not working and parents from ethnic minority groups. 12 19 Furedi 2001 20 In the 2003 Lever Fabergé Family Report 66 per cent of mothers stated that their children were what most made them happy compared to 41 per cent of fathers.

fig.5 Percentage of parents who agree ‘I sometimes worry...’

Parents who report low levels For the struggling few, there appears to Parenting anxiety The gender distribution of parental worry of satisfaction with their life be a support gap. They are faced with is important to look at. Mothers and lone dilemmas which they don’t always have Parenting anxiety is not only felt by parents, who are predominantly women, Lone parents solutions to and find it difficult to those who report low levels of life are most likely to worry about the job engage with their children on issues satisfaction, it is widespread. The they do as parents, with over six in ten such as discipline and school work. majority of both mothers and fathers are worrying that they sometimes don’t do a Mothers There is evidence that these parents critical of the job they do as parents and good enough job. The Lever Fabergé who are genuinely struggling and facing worry that they don’t always get it right. Family Report 2003 demonstrated that difficulty are doing so in silence. Sixty- Over half of parents with teenagers mothers were more likely than fathers to Fathers four per cent of parents who are sometimes worry that they do not do a attribute their happiness to their unsatisfied with their life as a parent good enough job. That parents worry children20. It appears that mothers are wish it were easier to talk to other about how they perform is neither also more likely than fathers to worry mothers and fathers with teenage unexpected nor a bad thing in itself. about their ability to be a good parent. children about the challenges they face. The ability of parents to successfully This is likely to reflect the more involved They may lack the social and support guide their children’s social and role that women play in care-giving and networks that might boost their skills emotional development has a significant the more time they spend with their and confidence as parents. impact on how well we function as a children, in the teenage years as well as society. The level of worry reflects in childhood. It may also reflect a As parents of teenagers it may be more broader trends in parental anxiety and difference in the extent to which mothers difficult to find opportunities to meet the perception that children are exposed and fathers feel that their achievements and share experiences with other to greater threats today than they were are judged by the contribution they make parents. There is no longer the in the past19. to their families above the contribution opportunity to meet other parents at the they make in the workplace. Although school gates or discuss matters at a more active in the workplace, mothers parent-toddler group. It is also the case may judge themselves as much (if not that admitting that you don’t know what more) on the job they do in the home. to do as a parent of a 13 year old may Fathers are not far behind however. be more difficult than admitting that Half of fathers with teenage children you don’t know what to do with your sometimes worry that they do not do three year old. Parents of teenagers are a good enough job as a father. As expected to know what they’re doing by expectations of fathers to be active in the time their children reach their teens, care-giving and in the home increase, even if some of the challenges they fathers may become as critical of the job face may make parents feel like they’re they do as fathers as mothers are of the starting from scratch. job they do as mothers.

See fig.5 13 The job of parenting is not one that Thinking about your Pregnancy and the One to five years - stays static. Parents must continually adapt to new challenges and issues as oldest child still living at first year - 2 per cent 7 per cent their children grow up. The parents in home, what has been the this study all had at least one teenager most difficult age for you “It was my first baby and I wasn’t sure “She was very active and hardly ever living at home, over half also had if I was doing everything right. I went slept, I was always tired!” younger children. Their discussion of as a father/mother? back to work quickly and I had to deal Mother the difficult times tells us much about with the guilt” the transition points that can raise Mother “When he was that age I would take most problems for parents. It highlights him to the playgroup but the system that the teenage years, particularly the “It’s a shock being a parent for the wasn’t geared up for dads. I would be early teens, prove most challenging. first time” the only dad there. That’s probably Here, parents describe what it is about Mother changing now” each stage that makes the job of Father parenting difficult. “Everything was new, every tiny hiccup we’d worry as it was the first “I was working away from home and I time for us” found it difficult to bond. He was very Father close to his mother but it was very hard for me to get close to him” “I was away a lot with work and Father I missed out a lot of that brooding with my wife” “She was a little terror, very active. If Father we went shopping she would run away and go and find things to do. I had to keep my eye on her all the time. Because we spent a lot of time at home we had to find different things to do all the time” Mother

“I had three boys under the age of five and my husband at the time could only find work away from home. I was basically on my own with them Monday to Friday” Mother

14 6 to 12 years – 13 to 15 years - 16 to 18 years - 8 per cent 51 per cent 24 per cent

“They’re getting ready to go to “She thinks she knows everything “It’s hard to implement rules because secondary school and they start and I know nothing” they don’t take any notice” changing. At 10 and 11 they’re quite Mother Father strange, they try to be older than they are” “He thinks he’s 18 but he’s actually “He wants to get good exam results Mother only coming up to 14” but he is not prepared to do the work, Mother he wants to have use of the home but “Discipline is really hard, physical he is not prepared to chip in with punishment used to work but now you “At that age they are pushing the housework, he wants his clothes clean can only do something like stopping rules of the home to see how far you and presentable but isn’t prepared to them watching TV” will go. They are moving towards do any washing” Mother independence. They challenge you to Father see what they can get away with” “She was being bullied at school and Mother “He was a little toe rag when he we didn’t know about it. It really was 16, he was trying to assert affected her behaviour” “Her peer group is becoming more his authority and thought he was Mother important to her than her family” grown up” Mother Mother “We had a child with special needs and the school didn’t really understand “She is growing up too fast. She looks “He takes no notice of what I say, what his needs were” after herself, she does everything that’s because he doesn’t listen to Father herself” anything he doesn’t really want to Father listen to” “Once they start school they mix Mother with other children and start to use bad language. They were mixing with “She thinks she should have more children whose parents could afford freedom than she is allowed. She things that I couldn’t afford. They totally disagrees with everything I say see how far they can push you as and wants to do her own thing” a parent” Mother Mother

15 21 All statistics in this section taken from Communities that Care 2002 22 Henricson and Roker 2000

Three quarters of parents think that the “Between 13 and 15 she was most “With teenagers it can be scary not Nine per cent of 10 and 11 year olds teenage years are the most difficult with uneasy about who she was, what kind of having someone there to share things report playing truant in the last year, 34 the early teens proving most difficult. friends she wanted to have and so on. with. I worry about them not having a per cent of 14 and 15 year olds report Half of all parents (51 per cent) Making her feel confident about that father figure and I’d like someone to having done so. On school exclusions, surveyed stated that thirteen to fifteen and helping her was difficult. It got to a share the stress with! You can feel that while seven per cent of ten and 11 year years were the most difficult ages to stage where we sat down together to talk you’re losing control – sometimes you old have been excluded from school, deal with as a parent, whilst almost a about things like what time to go out have to think ‘Do I hope for the best or this figure has more than doubled by quarter of parents (24 per cent) stated with friends, how late she could stay do I stop them from doing something?’” the ages of 14 and 1521. It is important that sixteen to eighteen years were out, what was safe etc” Single mother with two daughters to avoid the impression that the most difficult. Mother behaviour of 13, 14 and 15 year olds is Statistics support parents in their overwhelmingly negative but the The finding is intuitive. The challenges “In adolescence they go through periods assessment that the ages from thirteen statistics above highlight some of the of the difficult transition to the teenage of insanity! They don’t think straight, to fifteen are challenging by illustrating challenges that parents may be faced years are well-documented. This is a they have strong emotions, the significant changes in young people’s with during these years. time of considerable biological and hormones are flying, girls have period attitudes, behaviour and exposure to physiological changes as well as one problems, they just don’t see things outside influences during this time. Many parents accept this difficult when young people are seeking and properly!” In addition to the potentially difficult transition as a normal part of growing up. demanding greater autonomy and Father transition to secondary school it is clear For the majority, while the teen years independence. Young people have to that the early teens are a time for can be difficult, they are still relatively make the transition to secondary school The overwhelming emphasis on the early experimentation and testing boundaries. trouble-free years. For most it is a where exams loom and peer pressure teens as the most difficult time points One national survey of secondary school challenging time rather than a time of can intensify. Parents, as well as to the crucial stage in children’s students demonstrates that young crisis. At this difficult time, research teenagers, have to find ways to development that the ages from 13 to people’s reports of involvement in shows that the dependency of teenagers negotiate these changes. 15 represent. Parents may have 13 problem behaviour such as vandalising on their mothers for social and emotional years of experience under their belt at property and shoplifting peak at the support tends to be greater than it is on this point but the transition to the teen ages of fourteen and fifteen (although it their fathers. Often mothers invest years may make them feel that they are is still a minority that get involved). The considerably more time and are more starting from scratch. same survey shows that young people’s involved in parenting during adolescence reported consumption of alcohol rises than fathers. They are more engaged in sharply during these years. While less care-giving, while fathers’ contact tends than ten per cent of 11 and 12 year to be focused on joint leisure activities. olds report drinking regularly, 30 per Mothers are generally closer to cent of 14 and 15 year olds do so. The adolescents of both sexes, providing same increase can be seen on factors them with more support and being more like truancy and school exclusions. aware of their developmental changes than fathers22.

16 Parenting in silence “They just seem to get a mind of their “She was reaching puberty and I’m a “I know from experience how hard it can own. They think they are adult before single parent. It was just very hard” be to develop skills as a parent, it didn’t The challenge for parents is in knowing their time” Father come naturally to me. If someone really what to do when faced with new Father doesn’t have an idea then maybe they dilemmas. Parents recognise that they Part of the support that parents going do need help to get some skills. It needs need to let go but do not always know “I’m scared for him because he’s through real difficulty are calling for is to be done sensitively though” by how much. They fear that their growing up and he looks like a man the opportunity to discuss and share the Single father children are growing up too fast and and he’s not!” challenges they face with others going want to experience things earlier than Mother through the same experiences. But a “Parents have to take responsibility for they would like. They can struggle in majority of parents appear to be their children, you have to set up rules finding the right balance between giving For some parents this is a time when supportive of more hands-on and regulations. But part of the problem their children new freedoms and they can feel vulnerable and exposed in interventions such as parenting classes, is not the parents but the areas they live independence at the same time as their job as a parent. The ‘struggling particularly for those who are struggling. in. We see through friends of Claire’s setting boundaries and rules. The few’ - those parents who feel they lack When asked whether parents should how kids can be brought up in really dilemmas parents face can range from the skills, knowledge, influence or attend parenting classes if their children difficult areas which are rundown and judging when to let their teenage experience to help and support their repeatedly get into trouble, 85 per cent where they see people around them on children go on holiday with friends, to children through the difficult times - of parents agreed that they should. This drugs, not going to work and so on” agreeing how much pocket money to need to be a priority for support. suggests support for high levels of Mother give them, to deciding how to broach public intervention in instilling parental the issue of drink and drugs or agreeing “It was very challenging. I’ve not much responsibility for those parents who “Parenting classes might be helpful in how late children can stay out. Parents experience. I find adolescents difficult appear to be ‘failing’. However, some circumstances but teenagers come negotiate these dilemmas primarily in to deal with, the moodiness and things. comments made by parents in the case under pressure from so many sources the privacy of the family even though I don’t have a husband so there’s no study interviews suggests that support that just blaming the parents isn’t they share them in common with male input” for parenting classes may be seen as always helpful” countless other parents. Mother much as a supportive measure to help Single mother parents develop their skills as it is a “At 13 they think that they know it all “It is difficult because I’m trying to means of enforcing parental and want to try everything out. My job get him to go to school and being responsibility. Comments also as a parent is to try to guide them threatened with court action because demonstrate an awareness that parents through what’s right and wrong” he doesn’t go” don’t parent in a vacuum but in the Mother Mother context of the community and society in which they live. However, parents “As a parent it’s difficult to let go and “She ran away from home and didn’t go tend to talk about parenting classes as let them do what they want, because to school, it was very upsetting” an option for other parents; they are they are not grown up” Mother seen as a last resort rather than an Mother option for all.

17 Case study: Case study: The Martins The Greens

Karen and Mike live with Karen’s two Christine and James live with kids from her first marriage, Claire Christine’s two sons Max (17) and (16) and John (12). They worry about David (7), James’ two daughters Jenny John as he’s been playing up since he (13) and Sophie (8) stay at weekends moved to secondary school. Karen is and in the school holidays. Christine’s concerned that he’s a ‘follower’ and oldest son, Adam (19), is at university seems to get into trouble if other but comes home in the holidays. people are leading the way. She thinks Being parents of teenagers hasn’t been that the divorce had a bad impact on as hard as they feared but they have John because he witnessed a lot of had teething problems. James has arguments and worries that this will found it difficult to know how to act come out more as he hits his teenage with Christine’s three sons and doesn’t years. However, Karen and Mike’s want to try to replace their real dad. biggest worry at the moment is the Things came to a head when he fact that Claire has booked a holiday chucked Adam out of the house when in the summer with some friends, he came home one morning drunk and including one other girl and two boys. abusive. They have patched things up Claire saved up the money herself and since. The worst thing about being bought the holiday – “There was no parents of teenagers is the constant arguing with her”. Karen is resigned to worry, they say. Max has a moped and the fact that she will spend the whole Christine doesn’t relax until he’s home week while Claire is away, worrying safely each time he goes out – “I tried about her – “You’ve got to be able to to argue him out of buying one but in judge whether you think they’re the end I told him that if he could capable of doing something. You’ve afford it he could get it”. Christine got to let them go. I feel confident and James try to be open with their about her being sensible; I just worry children – “Max was best man at our about the other people around her”. wedding and he pulled the daughter of one of my friends. I told him to be sensible and gave him a condom!”.

18 The see-saw effect “The teenage years are most difficult as The support framework in place for a parent but there’s much more support parents of younger children, including The teenage years are trickiest for for parents of younger children. It’s parent-toddler groups, playgroups, parents and while most get through harder to do things together with initiatives such as the Sure Start them without too much difficulty, some teenage children because they don’t programme and the right to request really struggle. The number of difficult want their mum along but at the same flexible working arrangements for dilemmas that parents face is likely to time you worry about what they’re parents of children under six are not go up as their children hit their teenage getting up to. There’s not enough matched with similar provision for years, but parents’ perception of the affordable stuff going on that I feel parents of teenagers. Parents with support they receive from society goes happy about her going to” teenage children point to the lack of down. Rather than feeling supported Single mother affordable and accessible activities and they are more likely to feel isolated. places for teenagers as a key area where Seventy four per cent of parents think “When you’ve got teenagers you’re they could be offered greater support. that society is more supportive of just expected to get on with it. There They recognise that they need to allow parents with younger children than it is are no out-of-school activities or their children more freedom and of parents with teenagers. At a time organised youth centres round here so independence but worry that there is a when parents are most likely to be money dictates what sorts of things limited choice of things for teenagers to judged against their children’s behaviour they can do” do and places to go that are safe and it appears that we do least to support Father affordable. Forty five per cent state that and encourage them to do a good job. more activities and youth centres would This raises questions about whether we most improve their life as a parent. do enough to provide parents with the skills, support, resources and environment in which families with teenagers can thrive.

19 23 See for example NFPI 2001

fig.6 Percentage of parents stating that they have a more difficult job than their own mother or father

Parenting is often described as a “You’re not taught how to be a husband Case study: process of trial and error which each or father. You just have to do it by parent must negotiate for themselves; experience and trial and error” Mr Martin essentially a private rather than public Father, remarried and living with stepchildren activity. We have seen however, that how Mike is married to Karen and is parents perform as parents and what “You can’t be perfect but you do worry stepfather to her children Claire (16) they do is increasingly a theme of public about doing the right thing” and John (13). He gets on really well policy debates and scrutiny. We have Single mother with two daughters with both children but found it also seen how the teenage years pose difficult when he first moved in to particular challenges for parents and “Spending time together as a family is know how to act – “I didn’t want to present dilemmas to which they do not the most important thing we can do for replace their dad and wade in laying always have the answers. In this section our children” down the law. I never thought they’d we explore the things that impinge on Mother living with partner and three children open up to me but now they see me the ability of parents to do the ‘good as a mate”. It took a while for Mike to Parents living Lone parents Mothers Fathers with stepchildren job’ that society expects of them and Parents may agree on the basics of prove to Claire and John’s natural ask them what challenges they face. parenting but the majority feel that they father that he wasn’t trying to step on Understanding these challenges is have a more difficult job than their own his toes. Now Mike has been living fig.7 How easy or difficult do you find it to do important if we are to assess whether we parents. Sixty one per cent of mothers with the family for a couple of years each of the following as a parent? do enough to provide parents with the and 54 per cent of fathers think that he feels a bit more confident about tools, resources, support and they have a more difficult job than their being involved in family decisions – Percentage of parents who find it very or quite difficult environment to enable them to do well. own mother and father. Parents living “I feel like I’ve got more input now with stepchildren and lone parents were into how things work around here, Buy the things that my There is consensus among parents on even more likely to assert that they have we’re trying to build ourselves up children want the central themes that underpin ‘good’ a harder job than their own parents. It is as a family and I want to be able parenting and support family life: possible that each generation will always to contribute”. Spend as much time as I spending time together as a family; judge its job as parents to be more would like with my children setting a good example; making children difficult than that of the previous feel happy and loved and establishing a generation. However, the high Help my children with their positive relationship between parents23 percentage of lone parents and parents school work for example. living with stepchildren who believe they have a more difficult job than their own

Discipline my children parents suggests that the more diverse family structures that exist today present new and complex challenges. Make sure that my children don’t abuse drink and drugs See fig.6

20 24 see for example Ghate and Hazel 2001 25 Mintel research reports 2004 26 The Guardian, 4 May 2004 27 Social Trends 34 28 Gordon et al 2000 29 NFPI, October 2001

Money, time, school work and 1. Money matters Figures put the cost of raising a child The second story behind the large behaviour = key problem areas from birth to university as high as number of parents who find it difficult 26 More than four in ten parents find it £164,000 , taking into account the to buy what their children want is a In the survey, parents were asked to difficult to buy the things that their cost of food, childcare, housing, more fundamental and worrying one. what extent they found various aspects children want. That money is a factor in clothing, consumer goods, education It concerns the number of parents who of parenting easy or difficult. It is clear making parenting difficult is not and trips out. It is not just a problem for feel unable to provide what their children that money and time matter. Top of the surprising. Research consistently shows those on lower incomes. One in three need, let alone what their children want. list of things that parents find difficult that parents place ‘more money’ and parents in higher income groups find it The evidence to suggest that a are being able to buy the things that financial support high on the list of difficult to buy the things their children significant proportion of families struggle their children want and spending as things that would improve their lives. want. When asked what they argue to get by financially is compelling. much time as they would like with their Other studies similarly put financial help about most with their children, parents Data shows that children are children. Four in ten parents find it at the top of the list of things that would in our survey put money second on the disproportionately present in low-income difficult to buy the things that their most improve the lives of parents24. list with more than one in ten parents households: 21 per cent of children children want and over three in ten stating it was what they argued about (2.7million) were living in households parents find it difficult to spend as There are two stories behind the fact most with their children. with below 60 per cent of median 27 much time as they would like with their that a significant number of parents find income in Britain in 2001/2002 . children. Further down the list but still it difficult to buy their children what “They have this idea that money Poverty studies exploring the extent to difficult for a significant minority of they want in our study. The first grows on trees and there’s no real which families are able to provide parents are helping children with school concerns the extent to which parents are understanding of the work and effort necessities, including adequate clothing work, disciplining children and making faced with pressure from their children you have to put in” and shoes, a warm home and a healthy sure that children don’t abuse drink and to spend money on them. Parents are Father with two children diet, show that 18 per cent of children 28 drugs. Each of these difficult areas is facing demands for pocket money, go without two or more necessities . addressed below. clothes and consumer goods from “I don’t earn as much as her friend’s In a National Family and Parenting 29 children keen to keep up with their parents do but she thinks because her Institute survey , 14 per cent of parents See fig.7 peers25. The level of spending on friends have got stuff then she should and 21 per cent of black and ethnic children expected and encouraged of have it too. I can’t afford it though” minority parents stated that ‘making today’s parents appears to be greater Mother with two children ends meet’ was their biggest concern as than it was twenty or thirty years ago. a parent. A similar percentage stated that their biggest anxiety was being able to provide for their children. Parents on low incomes face anxiety and stress in £164,000 their struggle to provide their children with food, clothes and a decent place to live as well as treats and trips out.

21 30 Kodz 2003 31 EOC Fact sheet 32 DTI 2004

Case study: 2. Work-life balance “I’d like to spend more time with them. Our survey shows, however, that parents I had to do loads of extra hours last of teenagers also have difficulty The Jacksons matters for parents of year but I’m now doing less. If more spending the time they want with their teenagers as well as work came along though I’d probably children. It is not just in the early years have to take it otherwise I’d be out that parents may want more flexibility in Emma is 30 and a single mother. younger children of business” the hours that they work and more time She has two daughters, Aysha and Father with three children to spend with their children. This Gemma, aged 14 and 10. Emma Second on the list of things that parents suggests a need to focus on access to works freelance as a youth worker find most difficult is spending as much The proportion of UK employees working flexible working arrangements for and is on a low income. She has time with their children as they would long hours has increased over the last parents of older as well as younger flexibility to spend time with her like. Forty one per cent of fathers and decade with 11 per cent of employees children. Part of the challenge is in daughters but she misses the holiday 35 per cent of mothers state that they in the UK working more than 48 hours a creating an environment in which it is and sick pay that she would get from find it quite or very difficult to spend as week30. Men are significantly more likely legitimate for parents of teenagers to being employed on a contract – much time with their children as they to work long hours than women and ask for time off or flexible working “Sometimes there’s just no money to would like. Taking just those parents fathers are slightly more likely than hours, in order to attend school events spare, I always have to make sure working full-time, 45 per cent of full- non-fathers to do so. It is estimated that or simply spend time with their I’ve got work coming up”. Emma time working mothers and fathers say 40 per cent of employees in the UK teenagers when they’re going through enjoys spending time with her that they find it difficult to spend the have dependent children31. Parents with difficulties, for example. It may be that daughters. The family like going time they want with their children. young children now have the right to it is more acceptable for those with swimming, camping and eating out. Spending time with your children is request flexible working patterns. younger children to negotiate flexible The costs are high though – “It’s equated with good parenting and this Almost a quarter of employees with arrangements on family grounds than it expensive taking three people out finding echoes with previous studies children under six have requested to is for parents of teenagers. and if I don’t have much work on we which emphasise how balancing work work flexibly since April 2003 when can’t afford to do things”. Emma and family life can cause stress, the new legislation was introduced, with also wishes they had a bigger house. anxiety and guilt. the majority being allowed to do so32. They live in a two bedroom house so the girls have to share a bedroom “It’s difficult working full-time and which causes lots of arguments, making sure that she and her friends particularly as they get older. behave themselves when I’m not at home” Single mother with a teenage daughter

22 33 For further discussion of home-school relationships see Hallgarten 2000

Case study: Work clearly plays a part in how much 3. Helping with The difficulty that parents of teenagers time parents are able to spend with their find in helping their children with their The Silvers children. For parents of teenagers there school work school work appears to be more than a is also another dimension involved. As result of their children’s unwillingness to John and Shireen live with their children grow older the amount of time Almost a quarter of parents in our survey let them help. Some parents in our case three children, Naomi (15), Deb (12) they spend with their friends and away state that they find it difficult to help study work also described how they felt and Mark (3). John works full-time from home increases with their their children with their school work. shut out by their child’s school and as an electrician and Shireen works independence. Parents can find this The importance of parental involvement feared that they would be seen as in a call centre three evenings a transition difficult. They want to keep in in their child’s learning is increasingly interfering if they took a more active week. They find it difficult to eat touch and stay involved in their emphasised in education policy yet role. While education policy aims to together as a family in the week as children’s lives but do not always feel emphasis tends to focus more on strengthen the links between home and Shireen gets in late from work, but able to do so. Young people in turn can parents with younger children. In our school it appears that schools have they do make sure that they eat be frustrated by the extent to which their survey, all of the parents had teenage some way to go in welcoming and together as a family every Friday. parents want to be involved in their lives. children and their comments suggest engaging with parents as partners in They feel that neither of their that many find it difficult to keep their their children’s learning33. employers is flexible about taking “Recently he hasn’t wanted to spend children focused and engaged with their time off when one of the children is much time with us, I find that hard, school work. “I don’t think the school supports ill or they want to attend an event at it’s quite upsetting” parents of teenagers. I’ve been in to see school. Both would like to see equal Father with one teenage son and three daughters “I find it difficult to get him to the teachers a couple of times recently maternity and paternity pay on offer. understand the importance of school when I’ve been worried about my John was working very long hours for “It feels like she’s starting to go work and exams, he needs to know that daughter’s work but nothing happened. good money last year but he has away from us now, and get on with those three weeks of exams are I don’t think they took me seriously” since cut down his hours – “it was her own life” important” Single mother more important to have the time Mother with three children talking about her Father with one 17 year old son together than the money”. Both still 14 year old daughter “When she moved up to junior school think that they don’t have enough “Getting him to understand that if he I wanted to get a feel for who her time with the children – “I wish we “I don’t really want to spend as much focused on his school work he would teachers were and her friends, but I got had more time to spend with them time with my mum and sister anymore, reap rewards when it comes to a job, is the impression that they wanted to keep but we’ve got to work too”. I’d rather be with my friends… difficult. There are too many distractions me at a distance. You feel you have to It’s shameful to be out with my mum, and their expectations are unrealistic” push yourself on them as a parent, I she always wants to drop me off and Father with two sons, including a 15 year old don’t want that to happen, I just want pick me up from places when I want to to get a feel for the place” go on my own. I’m not going to go on Father the family holiday in the summer because it will just be boring” Teenage girl, 14, living with her mum and sister

23

BEHAVE THIS WAY

“School isn’t interested in us getting 4. Guiding behaviour For the majority of parents, monitoring However, discipline is a problem for a involved. Parents don’t have much and guiding their children’s behaviour significant minority. One in five parents contact with teachers and they’re Debates in the media and in government does not pose significant problems. in our survey found it difficult to difficult to reach. I’d like to be more around anti-social behaviour, youth The tactics parents use to guide and discipline their children, suggesting that involved but I think they’d think that crime, drink and drug taking, teenage encourage their children on the whole it is not always an easy task. Their I was interfering” pregnancy, childhood obesity, poor demonstrate a positive model of comments suggest difficulty negotiating Mother with three children educational achievement and so on, parenting. Parents, for example, state boundaries with their teenage children are often quick to put parents in the that they are far more likely to reward and knowing when to let them be The extent to which school support can spotlight. Parents are expected, and praise their children than they are independent and discover things for play an important role in making parents naturally, to instil positive values and to tell them off. Only one per cent of themselves. In the teenage years, the feel confident and able in their job is behaviour in their children. The parents report physically punishing extent to which their children are reflected in the fact that almost one in introduction of fines for parents of their children very or quite often, with exposed to outside influences such as five parents in our survey call for more children who persistently truant is one 21 per cent saying that they do drink, drugs, friends and the media can support from their child’s school as the manifestation of the belief that parental physically punish their children but be a problem. Parents can feel that their thing that would most improve their life responsibility sometimes needs to be ‘not very often’. Parents of teenagers ability to counter what they see as as a parent. enforced rather than left to chance. often emphasise the importance of negative influences is limited. negotiation, open communication and Parental capacity to instil positive agreeing boundaries. “She is argumentative, she doesn’t listen, she just does as she pleases” fig.8 How often do you do each of the values and behaviour in children may be hindered by a number of factors, “I’m not going to clamp down on things Mother with three children including a 15 year old daughter following as a parent? however. Living in a rundown just for the sake of it, I just expect her Percentage of parents stating ‘very’ or ‘quite’ often neighbourhood where there is little to to tell me about it so we can discuss it. “She’s very strong willed and thinks she do; the type of school their child goes If you resist things they just do them knows better than me. I’m divorced so to; who their children associate with; secretively anyway and that’s even Praise your child/children she also plays me off against my ex- how much stress they have to deal with worse. You need to be able to talk about husband and says that he lets her do in their own lives; whether they are things openly” things that I don’t” Reward your children with financially able to provide for their child Lone father money or a treat Single mother and so on, can all impact on how able parents are to be a ‘good’ parent. “I have to let go a bit now he’s a “It’s drummed into them that when you Tell your children off Parents do have responsibility for their teenager. You have to trust them and become a teenager you have an attitude. children’s behaviour but it could be talk to them as an adult. We have proper arguments now but we’re still He thinks he has an excuse to be rude” Ground or withdraw privileges argued that they also have a right to live Father in a society which creates a supportive really close!” environment in which to raise children. Mother Physically punish your children See fig.8

24 34 NFPI 2001 35 NCH 2003

This concurs with previous research with “My 14 year old daughter was seeing a Case study: Case study: parents of teens. One survey found that 21 year old and there was nothing I more than a fifth of parents placed their could do about it. He was introducing The Shahs The Jacksons children’s behaviour as their biggest her to drink, drugs and stealing cars…” concern. Concern was highest among Father with three children Iqbal and Naseem live with their Emma recently found some cannabis parents from ethnic minorities with 27 seventeen year old son and three in her daughter Aysha’s coat pocket. per cent stating that their children’s “Between the ages of 13 and 15 my daughters aged thirteen, eleven and She already suspected that she was behaviour was their biggest concern, daughter became a problem and started six. They find it difficult to bring up smoking because of her mood swings compared to 21 per cent of all parents34. drinking a lot” their children to be Muslims as they and because she was hanging around Another highlighted that the most Father with two children know they are exposed to lots of other with a new group of friends who she common reports made to the national influences at school, in the media and hadn’t brought home. Emma telephone helpline Parentline Plus were “When the issue of alcohol came up, in society as a whole. Naseem thinks confronted Aysha but rather than just for a range of ‘problem’ behaviours – not I found it very difficult to instil in her that being very strict is the only way to tell her not to smoke she went through attending school, staying away from values other than those of her friends try to keep the children within the the risks and dangers with her. She home without permission and physical i.e. not to drink alcohol” Muslim faith - “I know that they think thought this was more likely to make aggression and behaviour35. Single mother talking about her that I’m a controlling mother”. As her stop – “I asked her what it made 14 year old daughter parents, Iqbal and Naseem worry a lot her feel like and she told me she’d On drink and drugs issues, parents with about their teenage son. They know started smoking cannabis because she teenagers can also find it difficult to It is a particular concern that parents that it will be very easy for him to start was bored in the summer holidays. guide the choices their children make. with teenagers appear to suffer in going to clubs and have a drink I think she’s stopped now but I still Fifteen per cent of parents in our survey silence and deal with difficulties in because “that’s what most of his worry about her”. find it difficult to make sure that their private. Over half of the parents in our friends do”. Their son understands children don’t abuse drink or drugs. survey wish it were easier to talk to why his parents are strict but still feels The figure rises to 35 per cent among other mothers and fathers with frustrated that he can’t go out with his parents who report being unsatisfied teenagers about the challenge of being a friends. He thinks they should trust with their lives, suggesting that the parent. Parents do not always feel able him more - “parents should let ability of parents to guide their children to admit that they don’t know what to children make their own mistakes, to make sensible choices in relation to do and that their children sometimes otherwise they’ll never learn properly”. drink and drugs has a significant impact present them with challenges that they on parental well-being. Parents feel don’t have the answers to. They fear powerless to influence the choices their that they may be stigmatised as they children make about drink and drugs. should know what to do. This is particularly true for parents with teenagers who feel that they are already expected to be experts in childrearing.

25 fig.9 Which of the following would most improve your life as a parent? The research findings point to a number 1. More money, more time Given this context it is not surprising of changes that would boost support for that half of parents in our survey say that parents, particularly those with We have seen that money matters to more money would help them out most. teenagers. Parents of teenagers need to parents. A significant number of parents This rises to 60 per cent of parents on feel more supported and less isolated. struggle to buy the things that their lower incomes and lone parents. There More money Policy makers, employers and society at children want. This reflects pressures on is a need to look at the financial support large need to recognise that the in place for parents, particularly those More activities and youth clubs parents to spend on consumer goods for for children to attend challenges of being a parent can their children. Parents may fear that on the lowest incomes, to ensure that all More support from my increase rather than decrease as their children will be left out if they parents have the capacity to provide child’s school children reach their teenage years. don’t buy them the things that they their children with a decent home and More support from my While it is normal for parents to discuss want. Some parents feel pressure to standard of living. husband/wife/partner teething problems or the ‘terrible twos’, show that they can afford items that More support from friends we leave parents to cope with the other parents can buy. Money matters Another conclusion to draw from our and family ‘testing teens’ largely in silence, not just because expectations of research is the need for greater focus on Being able to meet and talk focusing our attention on parents only parents with teenagers in work-life to other parents spending on children are high, however. when things go wrong. In this section, It also reflects the fact that many balance debates. It is not just parents Access to information about we set out thinking on three areas where with younger children who would like being a parent children live in low income households greater support for parents of teenagers where making ends meet is a priority. more time to spend with their children A more understanding employer could make a tangible difference to the Data shows that children are but those with teenagers too. Part of the well-being of both parents and disproportionately present in low-income challenge for government and employers teenagers; more money and time, the households and single parent is to create an environment in which it provision of accessible and affordable households are more likely to be on low is legitimate for parents of teenagers to activities for young people and the incomes than couple households. ask for time off or flexible working hours widespread development of parent Bringing up children is costly and in order to attend school events or support networks. financial pressures have a negative simply spend time with their teenagers impact on individual and family well- when they’re going through difficulties. See fig.9 being. Some parents can’t afford what It may be that it is more acceptable for their children need, let alone what their those with younger children to negotiate children want. flexible arrange-ments on family grounds than it is for parents of teenagers to do so. Currently only parents with children under six have a right to ask their employer for flexible working arrangements.

26 36 For further discussion of issues around the provision of services for teenagers see Edwards and Hatch 2003 37 See Young People Now, Dry bars: the soft option September 2003 38 Worpole K 2003

2. More activities “There’s not a lot to do at that age (13 In developing activities and places for Youth zones and youth shelters have to 15 years). It’s restrictive. There’s not teenagers to ‘hang-out’ there is a need been developed in some areas as Parents with teenage children point to many youth clubs to keep their interest for imagination and an understanding of designated spaces in parks and other the lack of affordable and accessible and no organised activities unless you what young people are looking for. The public spaces for young people to activities and places for teenagers as a are prepared to pay” traditional image of the ‘youth club’ held congregate, sit and talk, ‘hang-out’ and 38 key area where they could be offered Mother in a dusty church hall will hold little shelter in bad weather . Spreading such greater support. Forty five per cent appeal for many teenagers. However, no innovative practice is one way in which state that more activities and youth “There are no youth clubs or anything. national strategy is in place to revive the parents of teenagers and teenagers centres would most improve their life They can either hang around the streets often tired, out-of-date and often closed themselves could be better supported. as a parent. Mothers and those on and get into trouble or they can stay in youth centres that are currently 36 lower incomes were most likely to call and play Playstation” available . There is a significant amount for the provision of more activities and Father of best practice to draw upon, however. youth centres. Parents recognise that There are genuine pockets of innovation they need to allow their children more This call for provision of activities for developed by Youth Services, local freedom and independence but worry children can be linked to the fact that authorities, the police and voluntary that there is a limited choice of things parents of teens feel less supported by sector organisations among others. The for teenagers to do and places to go society than parents of younger children. development of ‘dry pubs’ for teenagers that are safe and affordable. This is Greater provision of affordable activities is one example of an attempt to provide consistent with other surveys. A 2002 and the widespread provision of modern social activities that will attract 37 MORI survey, for example, found that youth clubs could lead to a sense that teenagers without patronising them . six out of ten teenagers and eight out government, and society as a whole, Other initiatives encourage young people of ten parents think that there is not supports and values teenagers and their to raise money and develop plans for the enough for teenagers to do in the area parents. For some parents, the current type of places where they want to spend where they live. choice is between letting their teenagers time and the things they want to do. ‘hang-out’ with their friends where they There are also innovations which “It’s difficult to find recreational things may be perceived by others as a recognise that teenagers may simply with children aged 14 or 15. It’s hard to nuisance or encouraging them to stay want a place to meet in the open and find things to do with them when you’re inside where they are likely to be more spend time with their friends without on a tight budget. It’s much easier when inactive, watching television and playing being considered a nuisance. they’re younger” computer games. Mother

27 39 Moorman and Ball 2001 40 www.netmums.com 41 www.parentlineplus.co.uk 42 See Henricson and Roker 2000 for a review of support provided to parents of adolescents 43 See the Parenting Education and Support Forum at www.parenting-forum.org.uk and the National Family and Parenting Institute at www.nfpi.org for further discussion on meeting parents’ support needs

3. Boost support networks For many of the parents surveyed Making it easy for parents to talk to However, evidence suggests that the getting more support from their partner, each other about the normal challenges provision of information and support for Parents of teenagers are often parenting from friends and family and being able they face, particularly when their parents is not widespread or accessible in silence, reluctant to speak out when to speak to other parents about the children hit their teens, should be a enough and in many cases parents 42 things go wrong for fear that they may challenges of being a parent were what priority for policy makers, business and simply do not know what is on offer . be branded a failure. Fifty three per they felt would most improve their life society as a whole. Many parents admit cent of parents wish it were easier to as a parent. For twenty per cent of that parenting is a process of trial and Parenting support networks which can talk to other mothers and fathers with mothers, more support from their error and that they don’t always have be accessed for advice, information and teenage children about the challenges partner was what they felt would most the solutions to the dilemmas that reassurance need to be an every day they face as parents. This rises to 60 improve their life as a parent. Around they’re faced with. However, there is not option rather than a form of crisis 43 per cent of those in the lowest social ten per cent of mothers and fathers a climate in the UK which encourages intervention when things go wrong . classes and 70 per cent of those with state that more support from friends and parents to think of parenting skills as The overwhelming majority of parents stepchildren agreeing with the family would most improve their life as a something that they can actively learn agree that the teenage years are the statement. parent, while another ten per cent state and discuss. most difficult. Too many are dealing that being able to meet and talk to other with the challenges and dilemmas they See fig.10 parents of teenagers would help them Parents should be encouraged and face in silence. Finding imaginative out most. Parents should be able to call enabled to create their own informal ways to boost parent support networks on a range of people, both within and support groups and networks in the would help parents feel more confident outside of their family, for guidance, workplace, in communities and on the and in control of their lives and their fig.10 Percentage of parents who wish it were easier support and practical help. internet. Many such networks already family when they hit the testing teens. to talk to other mothers and fathers with teenage exist and, as with the provision of children about the challenges of being a parent For parents who feel isolated and activities for young people, there are unsure, strengthening informal links examples of innovative practice. ‘Net between parents and helping them to mums’ for example, is a website set up share their skills and reflect on the by mums for mums. It acts as a forum All parents challenges they face could play an for mothers of young children to share important role in helping them through their experiences with other mothers in the difficult times. Evidence suggests their local area and get practical help

Parents on lower incomes in that parental stress is relieved by human and advice about what services and socio-economic groups DE contact – with other parents and with support is on offer to them40. Parentline empathetic practitioners39. Plus is a registered charity which offers support to all parents and runs a freephone helpline, courses for parents Parents living with stepchildren as well as providing a range of information41.

28 Alstott A (2004) No Exit: What Parents Owe The Guardian, 4 May 2004 £164,000 cost of Office for National Statistics (2004) Living in Britain Their Children and What Society Owes Parents bringing up children No 31, Results from the 2002 General Household Oxford: Oxford University Press Survey London: TSO Hallgarten J (2000) Parents exist, ok!? London: IPPR Boreham R and McManus S (2002) Smoking, Office for National Statistics Social Trends 34 drinking and drug use among young people in Henricson C and Roker D (2000) Support for parents London: TSO England in 2002 London: Department of Health of adolescents: a review Journal of Adolescence 23:763-783 Office for National Statistics Social Trends 33 Communities that Care (2002) Youth at risk? London: TSO A national survey of risk factors, protective factors Huebner ES and Dew T (1996) The interrelationships and problem behaviour among young people in of positive affect, negative affect, and life satisfaction Smallwood S and Jefferies J (2003) in Population England, Scotland and Wales London: in an adolescent sample Social Indicators Research, Trends 112 (Summer): 15-28 Communities that Care June 1996, Vol.38, No.2, pp.129-137 Stanley K, Edwards L and Hatch B (2003) The Lever DTI April (2004) Results of the First Flexible Working Kodz J et al, (2003) Working long hours: a review of Fabergé Family Report 2003: Choosing happiness? Employee Survey, Employment Relations Occasional the evidence, Employment Relations Research Series Available at www.leverfaberge.co.uk Papers, London: TSO No 16 London: TSO Suldo SM and Huebner ES (2004) The role of life Edwards L and Hatch B (2003) Passing time: a report Lewis C, (2000) A man’s place in the home: families satisfaction in the relationship between authoritative about young people and communities London: IPPR and fathers in the UK Joseph Rowntree Foundation parenting dimensions and adolescent problem behaviour Social Indicators Research, Apr 2004, EOC Fact sheet No. 2 March 2004, Parents Mintel research reports, January 2004 Marketing to Vol.66, No.1-2, pp.165-195 and carers at work Available at tomorrow’s consumers www.eoc.org.uk/cseng/policyandcampaigns Wicks R and Asato J (2002) The Lever Fabergé Moorman A and Ball M (2001) Understanding parents’ Family Report 2002: Lifelong parenting, the Eurobarometer 60.1 Autumn 2003 Public Opinion needs: a review of parents’ surveys London: NFPI changing shape of British Family Life Available and the European Union at www.leverfaberge.co.uk NCH (2003) The end of my tether: the unmet support Furedi F (2001) Paranoid Parenting London: needs of families with teenagers London: NCH Worpole K No particular place to go? Children, young Allen Lane people and public space London: Groundwork NFPI (2001) Listening to Parents: their worries, their Ghate and Hazel (2001) Parenting in Poor solutions London: NFPI environments: stress, support and coping London: Policy Research Bureau Nickerson AB and Nagle RJ (2004) The influence of parent and peer attachments on life satisfaction in Gordon D et al (2003) Poverty and Social middle childhood and early adolescence Social Exclusion in Britain Joseph Rowntree Foundation: Indicators Research, April (2004) Vol. 66 No 1-2 York Publishing Services pp35-60

29 Survey details

ICM Research interviewed a random How easy or difficult do you find it to do Thinking of your oldest child still living Which of the following would most sample of 1008 mothers and fathers by each of the following as a parent? at home, what has been the most improve your life as a parent? telephone in April and May 2004. difficult age for you as a father/mother? Interviews were conducted across the - Make sure that my children attend Why was this period difficult? - More money country to represent the social class and school every day - More supervised activities/youth clubs ethnicity of Britain as a whole. All of - Help my children with their school How would you describe your for children to attend those surveyed had at least one teenage work satisfaction with your life as a parent? - More support from my child’s school child living at home, just under half also - Spend as much time as I would like - More support from my had younger children. Equal numbers of with my children To what extent do you agree with the husband/wife/partner mothers and fathers were interviewed. - Buy the things that my children want following statement? - Being able to meet and talk - Discipline my children to other parents - Make sure that my children don’t - ‘I sometimes worry that I’m not doing - Access to information and advice The questions asked abuse drink or drugs a good enough job as a parent’ about being a parent were as follows: - Listen to what my children want - A more understanding employer Do you think that being a parent has a - Other Do you think you have a more difficult mainly positive or mainly negative job as a father/mother than your own impact on each of the following? To what extent do you agree or disagree father/mother did? with the following statements? - Your motivation at work What do you argue about most with - Your general health - ‘Society is more supportive of parents your children? - Your sleep with younger children than it is of - Your energy level parents with teenagers’ Does shopping with your children - Your sex life cause arguments and stress for you - Your relationship - ‘I wish it were easier to talk to other as a parent? - How productive you are at work fathers/mothers with teenage children about the challenges of being a How often do you do each of the parent’ following as a parent? Should parents attend parenting - Ground or withdraw privileges from classes if their children repeatedly get your children into trouble? - Physically punish your children - Reward your children - Praise your children - Tell your children off

30 Case study details

The table below shows the profile of family dynamics existing in the UK All families were recruited by of the families interviewed as case today. In each family interviews were experienced recruiters using a studies for this report. All families had conducted with both parents, where screening questionnaire through the at least one teenager living at home. relevant, and with at least one of the market research agency Criteria. We were keen to reflect the diversity children in the family. Respondents were paid a cash incentive for giving up their time to participate in the discussion. Family type Description Other details Location

Larger family Family with two birth Social class Warrington Each interview with parents lasted parents living together and ABC1, Asian around an hour, interviews with three or four children children lasted for half an hour. All interviews followed a flexible Working family Family with birth parents Social class Liverpool discussion guide and were conducted both working and at least C2DE, White British in May 2004. The case studies were two children living at home conducted and analysed by Miranda Lewis at ippr and the report author. Stepfather family Family involving a divorced Social class Kingston or separated mother living ABC1, White British with her new partner and The identities of the all case studies her children have been changed in the report.

Merged stepfamily Family where both parents Social class Warrington have been in previous C2DE, White British relationships and are now living with children from both of their past relationships

Single mother Single mother family Social class Liverpool C2DE, Black British

Single father Single father family Social class Kingston ABC1, White British