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ItsNotYou Int.qxp:Sperm interior.qxp 6/6/08 10:21 AM Page 1 ADVANCE PRAISE FOR It’sNot You,It’sBiology “It’s been over a quarter of a century since Richard Dawkins’s The Selfish Gene and nearly a decade since Robert Wright’s The Moral Animal. It’s time for a good update on evolutionary psychology. “This is not just a good update, it is an approach filled with delight, one that’s aimed straight at the heart and soul of your daily life and mine. Joe Quirk’s It’s Not You, It’s Biology, will reach out and grab the mass audience of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and show them how science can guide them through their lives. Reading it is stealing a treat—snacking on a pastry made spe- cially for you in the private kitchen of a five-star chef.” —HOWARD BLOOM, visiting Scholar, Graduate School of Education, New York University, author of The Lucifer Principle: A Scientific Expedition into the Forces of History and Global Brain: The Evolution of Mass Mind from the Big Bang to the 21st Century “The factors influencing the mating behavior of the sluts and studs among your hairy-faced ancestors make delectable reading. What’s more, these facts are startlingly applicable to your own very present- day meeting and mating behavior. And you thought it was all about personal charm? Joe Quirk’s book, It’s Not You, It’s Biology, in a most entertaining manner, will let you know differently.” —ISADORA ALMAN, Sexologist, columnist of “Ask Isadora,” and author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex “Seamlessly blending science, sex, and humor in his book, It’s Not You, It’s Biology, Joe Quirk tempts us with the promise of sexual revelation, and then delivers with an alternately hilarious and ItsNotYou Int.qxp:Sperm interior.qxp 6/6/08 10:21 AM Page 2 astonishing primer on the modern evolutionary theories of human sexual behavior. Quirk’s charming combination of corny puns and dry wit leads us, laughing, through what might otherwise be some daunting scientific territory. He plays peek-a-boo with our oldest, most primal urges, triple-dog daring us to confront the possibility that our desires, jealousies, fetishes, and even our deepest emotions are merely the products of our primate past. All who accept the dare will be transformed into scientific thinkers, for observing how we deviate from Quirk’s evolutionary stereotypes—and wondering why—is perhaps the most tempting exercise of all.” —KAREN E. JAMES, Ph.D., evolutionary & developmental geneticist at The Natural History Museum in London, England. “Quirk’s irreverent, personal style makes learning a lot about socio- biology fun! Expect to be shocked, amazed, disgusted, amused, and in the end, a little wiser about how you approach members of the opposite sex.” —STEVE M. POTTER, Ph.D., neuroengineer, inventor of Hybrot, and Professor of Biomedical Engineering at Georgia Institute of Technology ItsNotYou Int.qxp:Sperm interior.qxp 6/6/08 10:21 AM Page 3 IT’S NOT YOU IT’S BIOLOGY THE REAL REASON MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT JOE QUIRK RUNNING PRESS PHILADELPHIA • LONDON ItsNotYou Int.qxp:Sperm interior.qxp 6/6/08 10:21 AM Page 4 © 2006 by Joe Quirk All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions Printed in the United States This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, includ- ing photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, with- out written permission from the publisher. 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing Previously published by Running Press in hardcover as Sperm Are from Men, Eggs Are from Women ISBN 978-0-7624-3256-1 Cover design by Doogie Horner Interior design by Doogie Horner Typography: Bembo and Bulldog Running Press Book Publishers 2300 Chestnut Street Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19103-4371 Visit us on the web! www.runningpress.com ItsNotYou Int.qxp:Sperm interior.qxp 6/6/08 10:21 AM Page 5 I dedicate this book to Ellen Goodman for her unconditional support and friendship. ItsNotYou Int.qxp:Sperm interior.qxp 6/6/08 10:21 AM Page 6 ItsNotYou Int.qxp:Sperm interior.qxp 6/6/08 10:21 AM Page 7 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. The Sperm and Egg Problem 10 2. Female Promiscuity Controls the Size of Your Testicles 18 3. What Women Want 25 4. Bodies and Resumés: What Makes Us Horny 31 5. Why Men Are Afraid of Commitment, Women Cautious about Consummation 34 6. A Do-It-Yourself Home Experiment 39 7. How Men Get Sex 41 8. The Catfight Gene 44 9. The Jerk Gene 48 10. Bower Birds Teach Us How Art Evolved to Get the Groupie 55 11. Male Promiscuity Decides Your Height 63 12. Why Women Are Coy, Men Clueless 71 13. Why You’re So Horny 74 14. Darwinism: Survival of the Sexiest 79 15. How Kindness Became Sexy 83 16. Why We Bitch 88 17. Why We Are Fat 99 18. Aqua-Ape: The Missing Link? 103 19. Why You Like Spielberg More than T. S. Eliot 110 20. Let’s Face It 116 21. Love Stinks 119 22. Faked Orgasms Fool Men, but Real Orgasms Fool Women 126 23. You Don’t Have an Orgasm. An Orgasm Has You. 134 24. Why Your Clitoris Is Hard to Find 141 25. March of the Penguin Prostitutes 150 ItsNotYou Int.qxp:Sperm interior.qxp 6/6/08 10:21 AM Page 8 26. Free Love Causes War 154 27. Bimbos and Cuckolds: What Makes Us Jealous 160 28. Why You’re Tormented 168 29. Dying for Sex 174 30. When Your Wife Sleeps with Your Brother, and You’re Okay with That 177 31. Broad Hips, Big Butts; Broad Shoulders, Big Diction 184 32. Why Your Penis Is Easy to Find 192 33. Two Genes for Two Types of Gay Guys 199 34. Gay Animal Parents 203 35. Boobies 211 36. Homo Homo sapiens 216 37. Why Males and Females Don’t Actually Exist 221 38. Why Men Have Nipples 227 39. The Sperm and Egg Solution 233 40. Falling in Love 237 Afterword 248 Notes 249 In Case You Think I’m Full of It: Bibliography 258 Useless Index 260 People Who Deserve Acknowledgement but not Payment 271 About the Author 272 ItsNotYou Int.qxp:Sperm interior.qxp 6/6/08 10:21 AM Page 9 FORGET MARS AND VENUS. ASTROLOGY TELLS US NOTHING. BIOLOGY TELLS US EVERYTHING. SPERM ARE FROM MEN. EGGS ARE FROM WOMEN. THAT’S THE REAL REASON MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT. ItsNotYou Int.qxp:Sperm interior.qxp 6/6/08 10:21 AM Page 10 1. The Sperm and Egg Problem Why won’t he commit? Why does she inexhaustibly want to talk about the relationship? Why can’t he finish our first conversation before he’s trying to maneuver me into the sack? Why do I have to do so much talking to maneuver her into the sack? Evolutionary biologists can tell you exactly why. It all comes down to the sperm and the egg. Let’s take a closer look at these two troublemakers. Each man produces one-hundred- to three-hundred-million sperm per ejaculation, or roughly a thousand per heartbeat. Sperm are worthless. Men are free to waste them, squirt them this way and that. Who cares? There’s more where those came from. Half of them come out messed up anyway—broken tails, deformed linings, missing heads. Brainless sperm will try to ItsNotYou Int.qxp:Sperm interior.qxp 6/6/08 10:21 AM Page 11 THE SPERM AND EGG PROBLEM 11 impregnate a red blood cell like dogs trying to hump your leg. Sperm are not what you would call subtle. There are not many secret mechanisms inside a man designed to gently nurture a sperm. The things just get produced en masse, then fired out. Then we make more. Now consider all the work that goes into producing one egg. An egg is 85,000 times larger than a sperm, a female is born with all the eggs she will ever have, and it takes on average 29.5 days to nurture one precious egg down its silken passageway. In fact, virtually everything that goes into making a baby is in the egg. The sperm contributes nothing but genetic material. The rest of the sperm is a delivery system, with a few mitochondria car- ried along as batteries. Picture a submarine crashing into some- thing the size of San Francisco in order to deliver one pizza. The pizza is all San Francisco needs to build something the size of the Earth. The submarine disintegrates into the fallopian sea. In purely genetic terms, the investment that a Homo sapiens male makes in the sex act is a courtship and a few minutes of his favorite thing in the whole world. Then he’s free to skedaddle and hope to impregnate somebody else. Now, think about the genetic investment an Ice Age woman makes in the sex act. She risks nine months of pregnancy, several years of breast-feeding a helpless blob of flesh, then a decade of transforming a rebellious teenager into a self-sufficient adult. At the same time, she has to prevent predators from eating her or her off- spring, stave off rapists, and gather enough nuts and berries for two.