TheFOGHORN magazine of the Professional Cartoonists’ Organisation (FECO UK) Issue 37 NEWS FOGHORN FOGHORN Issue 37 The magazine of the Professional Cartoonists’ Organisation (FECO UK) Published in Great Britain by the Professional Cartoonists’ Organisation (FECO UK) By the time you skip this and go straight team for upwards of to the cartoons, in the U.S., middle– three minutes, before PCO Patrons aged, not very bright and white will we got real, globally Libby Purves Andrew Marr have given way to young, gifted and irresponsible, and Bill Tidy black. All eyes will be on Mr Obama. chopped down a few What will he fix first? Can he and Gord more trees to bang Foghorn Editor Bill Stott save the world as we know it, Jim? out another FOG- tel: +44 (0) 160 646002 These and other economic downturn HORN! Hurray! email: [email protected] questions such as why Woolworths and not P.C. World engaged your editorial Bill Stott, Foghorn Editor Foghorn Sub-Editor Roger Penwill tel: +44 (0) 1584 711854 Artwork: John Roberts email: [email protected] Tidy stuff!

Foghorn Layout/Design New patron fits the Bill. Tim Harries tel: + 44 (0) 1633 780293 As far as the Mighty Tidy is email: [email protected] concerned, “Doyen” springs easily to mind. Nine out of ten PCO Press Office email: [email protected] housewives cannot tell him from a well-known margarine Web info spread. He is the cartoonists’ PCO (FECO UK) website: cartoonist, and co-incidentally http://www.procartoonists.org BLOGHORN the favourite of several million http://thebloghorn.org/ non-cartoonists too. It is only right that an organisation like What is Foghorn? PCO should seek the support Foghorn is the bi-monthly magazine of Bill Tidy. Mind you it took of the PCO, an organisation of exclu- sively professional UK cartoonists, some doing, but he was final- formed from the amalgamation of ly brought down on a turning two other bodies; The Cartoonists’ pitch in bad light at Lords’ Guild and FECO UK. Taverners. British cartoon art has a great, ignoble history and currently boasts Bill’s work has been and is an inspiration. His drawing, a huge pool of talent. It deserves a makes him the perfect higher media presence than it cur- joke-making, story-telling, huge Patron. [is that enough creeping? rently enjoys. Our aim is to make productivity and sheer experience sure it gets it. Ed] We want to promote cartoon art domestically and internationally by encouraging high standards of artwork and service, looking after the interests of cartoonists and promot- ing their work in all kinds of media.

Copyright All the images in this magazine are the intellectual property and copy- right of their individual creators and must not be copied or reproduced, in any format, without their consent.

Front Cover: Chichi Parish Back Cover: Alex Hughes

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2 THE FOGHORN WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG BLOGHORN

Browned off Move it, move it The Political Cartoon Gallery’s latest exhibition opens. Bloghorn finds a new home. Minister, opened at the gallery on In a bid to kick start the UK housing January 21 and market, the Bloghorn has moved to runs until March new premises at http://thebloghorn. 14. org/. Remember to update your links The show fea- and wipe your feet before entering. tures Britain’s top political car- The chairleg for the Bloghorn’s emi- toonists, such as nence grise, The Professional Car- Peter Brookes, toonists’ Organisation, said: “Finding Steve Bell, Dave Bloghorn a new home is an essential Brown, Nicholas step on our path to world domi … Garland, Chris- sorry, I mean the new Bloghorn plat- tian Adams, form will allow us more flexibility in Martin Rowson, doing what we want to do; making Morten Morland sure that a little more of the world (cartoon seen to is aware of our popular art form by the left), Andy presenting the work of very best of UK cartoonists, together with news The Political Cartoon to the Labour Party. Davey and Matt items and cartoon-related features, Gallery’s Tory Blues ex- Browned Off! A car- Buck. all amazingly with only minimal re- hibition has now closed toon exhibition on the For more information go course to tits, bums and Celebrity- so, in the interests of bal- first 18 months of Gor- to www.politicalcartoon. Boffing-on-Ice.” ance, attention is turned don Brown as Prime co.uk

Nathan Ariss was PCO Artist of the Month for January 2009. Nathan works as a cartoonist and illustrator, has been pub- lished in , The Spectator, Slightly Foxed and Business Executive (BEX). Other work includes book and album illustrations and covers, school text books, advertising campaigns and greeting cards, as well as numerous private commissions.

Nathan explained to Bloghorn how he became a cartoon- ist: “I feel immensely fortunate to have been born into a creative household where it was entirely acceptable to set one’s sights on becoming an artist, musician, actor or professional itiner- told we have to grow up or be more realistic. I try and keep ant, which is pretty much what I am all about to this day. something of this child-like directness and honesty alive in As a kid I was always drawing, and it still feels like the most all my work. Back then it was all about cats, or rubbish mon- natural thing in the world to do, even if the tools I use have sters, or people with big noses, clowns with flowers growing changed a bit. I think we are all natural artists as children. out of their heads; grotesques really. I don’t know if I’m cured Unfortunately, it usually gets knocked out of us when we are yet, but I still like to draw people with really big noses.”

WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG THE FOGHORN 3 FEATURE CHICHI PARISH Is there a Dr Sketchy in the house? Chichi Parish found out what happens when burlesque meets art school.

Dr Sketchy’s alternative life-drawing school, founded funny, absolutely. But did I experience zibababadoee factor? three years ago in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, by twenty Well, not exactly. But what’s zibababadoee factor, I hear you something artist, Molly Crabapple, kisses the life back cry. Lili St Cryr, a scandalous 50’s strip tease artist, famed for into dreary drawing classes. In fact, it does more than that, ‘The flying G’ had it and so did bondage ‘bad girl’ Betty Page: Dr Sketchy’s anti art school revolution raises the old blood smut appeal. pressure in four continents and 65 cities around the globe, I absolutely love the Dr Sketchy formula and so too does offering drawing classes with a difference: burlesque, its audience. It appeals to artists, 50’s rock n’ roll musicians, bustiers, gloves, diamantes, glitter, corsets, fishnets, feath- 40’s-50’s vintage fashion designers, performance artistes, stat- ers, pasties and prizes. Just show up. Drink or draw. If you isticians as well as followers of burlesque. I know, because I draw, you might even win a prize. If you drink, you might walked about the room and asked them. just get drunk. Dr Sketchy events take place in Birmingham, Brighton, Cov- Keen to find out more about this decadent hybrid, I packed entry, Edinburgh, Glasgow and Manchester. Poses my bags, pumped up my tyres, sharpened pencils, put on vary between 3-15 minutes, but as far as the sketching public a green frock and drove up to the midlands to experience is concerned, that’s way too brief. Excuse the pun. I saw a Birmingham’s second ever Dr Sketchy event presented by lot of briefs in Brum. Oh, and, before I go, I’d just like to photographer, Candee Handful, at The Victoria Pub on John add: sketching under the influence of a large glass of chilled Bright Street. Chardonnay is not to be recommended - I got So what did I get for my £7? Three hours of evocative hopelessly pissed. Hollywood Babylon glamour and dames, dames, sub- cultural dames. Burlesque Diva, Dani California, entertained us with a character rendition of Moira Sheara, red head ballerina star of the double Oscar win- ning glorious Technicolor movie ‘Red Shoes’ (1948). Ms California’s pirouettes polite- ly disgraced the stage. True to the movie, the dancer’s crimson ballet slippers be- came demonically enchanted. Untrue to the movie, the ballerina loses more than her just tutu. Victoria L’Etoile proved a firm favor- ite with the punters. She played a cheesy Dorothy Gale from the Wizard of Oz. I shan’t bother outlining the plot, I don’t want to spoil your Christmas. You may be more interested to read about Ms. L’Etoile’s deliciously porcine silhouette (I prefer draw- ing larger models with generous thighs). Two etiolated non-sketching punters, regulars to Brum’s burlesque scene, assured me: ‘Us blokes don’t care about her cellulite, Victoria L’Etoile is gorgeous, she’s so real.’ I am reminded of Lili St Cryr’s motto: ‘A wom- an’s best weapon is a man’s imagination’ and there was me thinking that a woman’s best weapons are her cel- lulite busting formula creams. These men, real men, to boot, assured me they prefer women sans porcelain teeth, sans coloured contact lenses, sans surgically en- hanced breasts, sans, erm anything (for that matter). I didn’t know whether to breath a feminine sigh of relief. Burlesque is about as alluring as Baloo bear danc- ing in a wig and a grass skirt. Entertaining, yes,

4 THE FOGHORN WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG FEATURE CLIVE COLLINS Clive Collins

Don’t mention the war The 2nd World Misunderstanding is still going on in book- was too warm, and demanding change for Deutsche Mark shops across the land, it seems, and a heavy piece of shrap- notes in denominations of 100,000. nel came my way in the form of Nicholas Rankin’s new In parallel attempts to undermine morale in the country, pi- book ‘Churchill’s Wizards’ which fills in the background rated versions of famous cartoons were slipped into copies to much of the deception and camouflage that Britain un- of newspapers by casual fifth-columnists working in news- dertook from WW1 through to the end of WW2. It is mind- paper distribution plants, such as these, drawn by a Ger- gripping in its descriptions, and includes a substance called man cartoonist named ‘Lau’, by seeming to be by a genuine Pykrete – named after its inventor, Geoffrey Pyke – which Low. It is, however, easy for anyone even halfway familiar was used to ‘doctor’ large icebergs shaped into aircraft car- with Low’s work to spot the forgeries. riers that were unmeltable, and intended to fool the enemy. It was actually even mentioned in the Christmas edition of TV’s ‘QI’. But in among all the welter of chicanery and deception - and it must be borne in mind that the Brits were scorned among the foreign warring nations for acting in an ‘un- gentlemanly’ fashion in their persistent use of deceit and camouflage (though the very word comes from the French ‘camoufleur’ ) – word has come to me of similar cunning plans, laid by the Germans, no doubt in some devilish for- eign bunker, with the specific aim of knocking us sideways through their sheer nerve. Very little is heard, for instance, of the radio programme that was transmitted for a number of years up to 1945, called ‘Itchma’ (‘It’s That Churchill Man Again’) in which the same Bavarian catch-phrases were used interminably by regular characters – Happy Heinrich’s jolly phrase ‘I won’t take mein greatcoat off, I’m not stopping!’ or Eager Eva’s ‘Can We Do It Now, Adolf?’ or even Hairsbreadth Herman’s ‘I’ll be bombing you now!’ After these gems, it is said that the listeners were regularly sent chuckling to their beds in their millions, though sceptics say the rush to sleep was to avoid any further similar shows. Another high-den- sity listening choice was the early evening radio show ‘In Berlin Tonight’ where Josef G interviewed celebrities who were passing through. There was always a posse of friendly royals and cabinet ministers on hand, ever keen to have a say and to profess firm, undying friendship with the Fuhrer. The German broadcasting authorities even took great pride in the fact that they had a real live Lordship working among them – one Haw-Haw. Strangely, less is heard of the German cartoonists who were to be parachuted onto our seaside promenades in the sum- mer months, specifically to draw ‘dispiriting caricatures’ intended to sap the morale of British holidaymakers. While lorry-loads of cockney sparrer-type spies busied themselves on British streets, distressing members of the public by giv- ing the incorrect Churchillian V-sign over and over again. It is said that many of the spies ‘learned to like hospital food’ But it all seems a long time ago, and now we are friends after that. Many of the spies were so incompetent and ill- with the whole of Europe, and the only sounds coming from trained that they were caught simply because they asked for the runways of the world today, are those of pigs, lined up Schnapps in the local tavern, or complained that the beer and ready to fly.

WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG THE FOGHORN 5 CARTOONS PETE DREDGE

A touch of

6 THE FOGHORN WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG FEATURE CHRIS MADDEN Love is a drug Chris Madden gets the heart a-fluttering

News headline for the final article anyway. experience - the purely physical level. in a recent news bulletin: ‘Scientists Some people baulk at the idea that In fact we want the state to be chemi- Claim That Love is Just a Biochem- love is nothing more than the result of cally induced, because to some extent ical Reaction!’ a quick injection of chemicals in the we want to deny to some extent our An interesting headline indeed. Part- brain. Surely such an elevated state of own personal responsibility for the ly because of the subject of course, the human psyche must be more than feelings that are promoted (especially but also because it’s a headline that’s that? the aggressive elements). been recurring since before I was old But why single out love for special The fact that there’s a chemically- enough to know what the word ‘love’ treatment – very few people get per- based element to the phenomenon of meant, which is some considerable turbed by the notion that other emo- love seems to imply that the whole time ago now. tions are the result of biochemical business is out of our control, but of It must happen every year: Valentine’s reactions. Who gets disturbed by the course it isn’t: it doesn’t mean that the Day is approaching and the news edi- notion that adrenaline (aided and abet- experience is totally random: that you tors decide that it’s time to pay special ted by its macho buddy, testostenone) may be walking down the street one attention to press releases from uni- is responsible for aggressive behaviour day when you suddenly get an unex- versity departments that study the hu- for instance? No one’s bothered by the pected shot of phenylethylalamine that man emotion that is celebrated on the concept of ‘having an adrenaline hit’ makes you fall head over heals for the day. It’s an easy story. when riding the big dipper, but who first person that you see – so you have Here’s a quick crash course on the would want to describe a romantic en- to be careful where you walk. The subject. counter as a phenylethylalamine hit, chemical comes into play when it’s When a person falls in love a chemical and not only because you can’t pro- appropriate. Just as adrenaline comes called phenylethylalamine is released nounce the word (You haven’t even into play when you’re on the big dip- which makes the person feel particu- tried to, have you?). It’s considered per or in speeding traffic rather than larly good when in the presence of a to be okay to have a purely biochemi- when you’re feeding a baby. Think of particular other person. The effect of cal high from adrenaline because the it more as an enhancer than a dictator. the chemical lasts for anything from state that it invokes – one of action, Of course, the world of romance a few months to a few years, but in alertness and aggression – is deemed doesn’t run smoothly: everything can the end it inevitably fades away. End to be at a basic and primal level of our turn upside-down and end up pear- of story. Not much mileage in that for Mills and Boom. The good news is that when the phenylethylalamine ceases to do its work a different chemical may some- times kick in – an endorphine – that has a much less dramatic though more long-lasting effect, provoking a gen- eral feeling of okayness rather than the preceding mania. Endorphines are sensible chemicals. If the endor- phines don’t kick in, the chances are that another phenylethylalamine-in- duced experience will be looked for elsewhere. At first sight it all sounds a bit like drug addiction - but that’s looking at it the whole thing the wrong way round. Our brains work by naturally secret- ing chemicals as messengers that jolt us into doing what we ought to do next. That’s why we are vulnerable to artificially administered chemicals - because we use them in our brains

WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG THE FOGHORN 7 FEATURE CHRIS MADDEN shaped rather than heart-shaped. This is Random acts of humour due to the statistical law that things can go wrong in more ways than they can go right. I have trouble enjoying romantic movies for this reason, because I can’t get out of my head the fact that although in the film the smitten participants in the dance of romance will do anything to be together, I suspect that in a few years’ time they’d do anything to be apart. The love drug will definitely have worn off: they’ll re- alize that the only way they could have possibly done what they did was because they were under the influence of a mind altering chemical, or that they were the victims of a ludicrously unrealistic and sentimental movie plot. As well as the word ‘biochemical’ there’s another word in that headline that’s a bit dubious. Can you see it? It’s the word ‘just’. What’s so wrong about things be- ing ‘just’ biochemical? It’s all a bit reductionist. It’s getting the messengers mixed up with the message. Imagine a headline stating that “Scien- tists discover that Beethoven’s sympho- nies are ‘just’ a sequence of compressions in the air impacting upon the ear”. Per- haps followed by a statement along the lines that ‘At a scientific level, it’s been proved that Beethoven’s symphonies are the result of exactly the same physi- cal processes that produce ‘The Chicken Song’. Beethoven’s symphonies are in- distinguishable to The Chicken Song! It’s a scientific fact (A fact that’s no doubt en- dorsed by the proponents of cultural rela- tivism, so it must be right). There’s yet another thing that’s wrong with that headline. It’s the word ‘Scien- tists”. It should be ‘Journalists”. It isn’t scientists who claim that love is ‘just’ a biochemical reaction. It’s journalists who claim that it is. The scientists are merely stating that there is a biochemical element to the whole phenomenon – not that it’s ‘just’ a biochemical reaction. But as usual the scientists are dissed by the arts-gradu- ate journos as being soulless egg-heads. No doubt the journalists justify their gross over-simplification and blatant distortion of the truth by saying that they are making the story accessible and interesting to the public, on the grounds that it’s better that “He may be a boring old fart, Kevin, but they’re they know something that’s wrong than the only ones with any money” that they know nothing at all.

8 THE FOGHORN WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG FEATURE GUIDE TO FOLK

As always, your Foghorn Guide seeks to look beyond common misconcep- tion and present instead a clear, in- formed assessment of a specific hu- man activity, however strange. Folk Dancing is strange. It takes many forms. It must not be confused with Ballroom Dancing which is also strange, but lacks the social significance of Folk Dancing. A good example of this essen- tial difference is Morris Dancing. This was invented by an English chap called Maurice Morris ages ago – some ex- perts think even before 1956 . It is thought that Morris lived in Ludlow although the folk song [q.v.] “Dancing Morris” begins “Oooooooooooooooooooooh… Mor- ris ‘e luv’d in Lidlow where ‘e courted Great Big Bess..”, which may be true or “Borrowed strip, apparently... ” a printing error and according to recent local surveys, nobody cares anyway. hip. Morris Dancing’s connections with Dancing, including as it often does, folk Morris’s aim in developing the familiar pre–Christian beliefs, fertility and gen- SINGING: ditties involving the plight two lines of chaps dressed like berks and eral rude stuff were invented by Open of a young cross-eyed goatherd entan- carrying little sticks was to commemo- University lecturers in 1979 in an at- gled in his own zither whilst serenading rate the frequent cross border raids by tempt to make themselves more inter- the wrong girl under a harvest moon, all sarcastic Welsh chaps. As is recognized esting to an audience grown weary of thirty six verses of which are delivered by most scholars, early Welsh telly heavy sweaters. in the original Dragvonian, accompa- was rubbish so there was little to do Other countries have folk dancing too nied by two big blokes on slack drum in the evening apart from, “ Iwgh fan- and it is often wheeled out to entertain and Swannee Whistle. nwy goch goch grynwd stickio!” which people on package holidays who sit clap- translates approximately as, “Let’s go ping on the on beat whilst completely NB; BALLROOM dancing has nothing bash the English with little sticks!” bladdered on Grcyrcwcs [trans; Liquid to do with FOLK dancing, the former Straw boaters represent a nod to Mor- Death with No Vowels] – a Polish aper- being a valuable social legacy, whilst ris’s limited banjo playing skills. Bells itif and disinfectant made from marinat- the latter is a BBC wheeze to get view- and flowers were added in the late ed underwear. Foreign folk dancing can ers to vote for d – list celebs. 1960s to make the whole thing more be even more unbearable than Morris Random acts of humour

“Good news... We cured the jaundice.” “Alright! We’ll get a steam iron”

WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG THE FOGHORN 9 LETTERS TO THE ED The Gallery Letters to the Editor

Snail Mail: The Editor, Foghorn Magazine, 7 Birch Grove, Lostock Green, Northwich. CW9 7SS E-mail: [email protected]

Load of Cramp Dear Editor, [no addresses, but same post- You’re probably male and will mark. Ed] probably not understand any- thing I am about to say because Comfirmation needed you’re male. Dear Editor, Yours etc Thanks for sending us a copy Oonagh Cramp of your magazine. We all looked at it for quite some time ,but Dear Editor, could not determine what it Foghorn’s OK as far as it goes, actually is. One of our older but what about a bit of glamour? members – Toby – he’s nearly Me and the lads down the Lion 27 – suggested that Foghorn is think you want to get real and do a humorous publication and that a centre spread, you know, noth- the little pictures are cartoons. ing porny, but more like Nuts or Can you confirm this, please ? Scrotum. Put a bit of that togeth- er with your zany gags and you’d Yours etc., be on a winner. The Guardian Weekend All the B[r]east Review Team Darren Cramp

Denis Dowland was PCO Artist of the Month for December 2008.

Reflecting on the future of cartooning in the digital age, De- nis had this to say: “Technological advances give with one hand and take with the other just like chancellors. I certainly do not miss the good old days of dragging heavy portfolios round studios, at or soon after lunch-time, to baffle brain-addled, red-braced juvenile yuppie editors, I’d better stop now, it’s all coming back to me. I simply couldn’t wait for the internet. Now that video has virtually taken over the medium, howev- er, the internet is swamped by infantile trash, taking us back to square one, if not further. This only requires an upgrading of our working methods, like the telephone once did. The threat I see as more insidious is the unstoppable drive toward the cretinisation of society as perhaps its only means of holding together, its naturally enthusiastic adoption by the mediocre and its resigned and guilty acceptance by those who do know better. Grumpy old git, moi? I love it.”

10 THE FOGHORN WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG CURMUDGEON

Road to nowhere

Anyone who has laughed themselves silly at Duncan Adams’ book “The Meaning of Liff” probably enjoys place names, the shape and sound of which makes you think of something else en- tirely. “Goole” - puddles of stuff found in abbatoirs ; “Glossop” - what remains on the table and floor after an enthusias- tically consumed bread pudding. “Run- corn” - the hard scaly bits on the inside of horses knees. However, Runcorn has claims to fame beyond being onomatopoetic and hav- ing a rubbish little bridge connecting one side of the Mersey to the other. It is very, very difficult to get into. In finding the off ramp to whichever bit of your turn off and Yippee ! its round the the late 60s, when Runcorn was merely central Runcorn you want is very hard. expressway again. Runcorn’s the only somewhere which sounded vaguely Every signpost - those with place names place which makes my satnav lady, nor- equine and had a silly bridge, local plan- on them, that is - not the ones telling you mally calm and unruffled say things like, ners decided to surround it with a four to keep two chevrons apart, don’t drink, “In point 3 miles, turn left. Possibly”. lane superhighway, anticipating the ad- don’t speed and Runcorn Welcomes YOU So why go to Runcorn ? Well, not that vent of shopping, DIY, sofa and tattoo- - indicates at least nine inner areas. Some its any of your business ,but I was keep- ing centres. Which is fine if you want in black on white, others brown on white ing a hospital appointment for swabbing to circumnavigate Runcorn at 70mph [historic landmarks such as the Heri- to see if I am an MRSA carrier prior to an all day – except when the puny bridge tage Tattooing Centre] and all partially extremely delicate operation on my foot. is all clogged up with in- bound scous- obscured by local hand crafted theories Well, one of them. I’m not. But my blood ers singing “Slowly, ‘Cross the Mersey” like, “All Scousers are W*****S” Miss pressure was sky – high. and the “expressways” are stationary, but

Random acts of humour

“So we are agreed, gentlemen: either we need more diversity on this board, or we need to get a better cartoonist.”

WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG THE FOGHORN 11 FEATURE BUILDINGS IN THE FOG nique to produce flat glass. To start with modern with Georgian window frames. it could only be made in small pieces, With silicon jointing and air-condition- much smaller than the window opening ing nowadays windows can do away with they were in. This meant places were still frames completely. draughty until someone thought of joining With the arrival of mirrored glass, non- the pieces together with lead. Churches architecture arrived. You could build a quickly cottoned on to this, producing simple flat surfaced tower block cover some pretty spectacular results. Eventu- it in mirrored glass and it almost disap- ally in civic and domestic buildings a tim- peared, like a James Bond Aston. The ber frame arrangement was developed. down-side is the if the buildings around The horizontal timber pieces were called are rubbish, their reflection will make transoms (from the Latin trans meaning your building look rubbish too. If a Windows and glass across) and the verticals mullions (from neighbouring building was also mirrored, the Latin mull meaning I’m still thinking things got very confusing. Depending where you live, it’s quite what to call them). The basic domestic When our nannying masters started to pleasant to be able to look out of a win- timber window has changed very little get concerned that buildings should be dow. Indeed, if we are in rooms without since. energy efficient, the poor insulation of windows some of us would feel claus- It was the early years of the last century glass become an issue resulting in a great trophobic. Indeed some would pummel when rapid development of large sheets deal of legislation controlling the extent the door screaming “LEMME OUT! of flat glass started to gather pace. Larger its use, at least in this country and partic- LEMME OUT” then collapse in whim- and larger sheets of glass sheet have been ularly in housing. Double glazing became pering a mass on the floor, at which point used since, from architects’ homes de- normal and a whole army of salesmen you smugly demonstrate to them that the signed to look good in magazines to clad- have lived off its usage ever since. door is unlocked anyway. ding for tower blocks. Modern architec- The evolution of windows and the de- ture surely wouldn’t have looked quite so Roger Penwill velopment of glass manufacture has had a big impact on our built environment. Ac- tually it’s pretty amazing that glass was discovered in the first place, apparently round 3500 BC, give or take a Thursday. Let’s face it, sand isn’t the easiest thing to set fire to. Stick a match to it and most probably it will be instantly extinguished, either by the sand itself or by an incom- ing wave. But it is just as well some one found out that burnt sand turns into glass, as sand when it’s being sand is very diffi- cult to see through. Put sand in a window opening and it will fall out. In its glass state it works much better. In warm places like Rome or Athens in ancient times you didn’t really need any- thing in the window holes in your build- ings; it was nice to get a breeze through. (Despite that obvious benefit it was the Romans who first used clear glass in win- dows) In more northern climes, though, it was very different. Fed up of icy draughts and sweeping up sand that didn’t stay in place, sometime around the 11th century some enterprising chap, who’d obviously just returned from a holiday in Rome, stuck a lump of glass in a window. He would have thought “Hey this looks cool” and immediately sent forth his good lady to buy a pair of curtains. I have often thought that curtains are what separate us from other animals. After all you don’t find curtains in nature, but that’s another story. The Germans first developed a tech-

12 THE FOGHORN WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG THE LAST WORD The Critic Recipe for disaster Foghorn’s resident critic Pete Dredge watches telly so you don’t have to. Simmering jealousy, class prejudice, to the boil. So what’s it all about then? particular department and would prob- voyeurism, greed, unbridled preten- For simplicity’s sake there are no ably show a marked preference for an tiousness and double-entendres by the couples involved in this show, just four afternoon’s model-making rather than bucket load. It’s all there in ’s ‘singles’ of differing sex, all strangers anything more unseemly in the light-to- “Come Dine With Me”. of indeterminate age and pedigree. The heavy petting department. Think “Abigail’s Party” meets “Carry ladies are usually thrice divorced and Each contestant hosts an evening in On Canape”, and you get a flavour of project the citric aroma of ‘availabil- their own home and the other guests what this mildly entertaining, late after- ity’ should the right man come along. award marks out of ten. The marks are noon soufflé of a show can dish up. Fortunately, for the benefit of ‘good totted up at the end of the week and I’ve never seen the appeal of throwing telly’ the male guests on this particular the winner walks off with a grand. No dinner parties, unless you are the type show never quite cut the mustard in this tacky telephone voting here, mate! The who gets off on social one-upmanship. whole post-production proceedings The chances of catastrophe and disaster are spiced up in the editing suite with a are stacked so high as to make the ex- liberal sprinkling of a double-entendre ercise reckless in the extreme . Go out laden commentary by someone from to a restaurant or order a takeaway. Do the ‘comic / ironic’ school of voice- anything to avoid the finger of blame over artistry. being pointed should the fare be less Once the dishwasher has been loaded than acceptable! and bruised egos massaged back to But these telly people are canny folk. their inflated best the well-imbibed They know the chances of perfection guests are taxied back to whence they (ie boring telly ) are so remote as to be came . No doubt planning their “Come negligible. Should this not be the case Dine With Me’ video viewing night some astute editing, finely chopped, “I hope you aren’t going to be with finger food for one plus remixed will soon bring the proceedings nicely sniffy about eating horse..?” Demis Roussos compilation CD.

WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG THE FOGHORN 13 FOGHORN (ONLINE) ISSN 1759-6440