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RAINY DAY RAMBLES in the LAKE DISTRICT RAINY DAY RAMBLES in the LAKE DISTRICT Edited by John Self

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RAINY DAY RAMBLES in the LAKE DISTRICT RAINY DAY RAMBLES in the LAKE DISTRICT Edited by John Self RAINY DAY RAMBLES IN THE LAKE DISTRICT RAINY DAY RAMBLES IN THE LAKE DISTRICT edited by John Self Copyright © 2015 by Drakkar Press 978-0-9548604-4-7 Drakkar Press Limited, 20 Moorside Road, Brookhouse, Lancaster LA2 9PJ http://www.drakkar.co.uk [email protected] All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or used in any form by any means - graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or information and retrieval systems - without the prior permission of the publisher. This booklet includes the first ever published extracts from a controversial file of documents recently discovered in a derelict barn in Aspatria, Cumbria. The documents appear to have been written for the Cumberland Courier but were never published, presumably because their content was deemed detrimental to the image of the Lake District as a paradise for tourists. DRAKKAR PRESS CONTENTS These Boots 7 Save Our Sausage 12 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 1 15 You Don’t Need a Weatherman 20 Letter to the Editor 23 Plane Sailing on Windermere 24 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 2 27 The Annual Harriet Martineau Lecture 31 The Way We Were, with Silas Jessop 33 The Fairy Fell Roundelay 36 Mrs Mudderdale’s Diary (June 15) 38 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 3 40 Letter to the Editor 45 Tak Hod 47 What Bare-Faced Cheek? 49 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 4 52 The Big Society and its Role in Cumbria Today 57 Council Head Loses his Head 61 Low Brow Opening 62 Nature Notebook 65 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 5 67 A Brand-New Brand 72 Mrs Mudderdale’s Diary (August 13) 76 How Pathétique 78 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 6 81 Nun the Wiser 86 Mottos for Murals 93 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 7 94 The Tale of Squire Ruskin 99 Hawkshead 3 Windermere 4 102 Pen Your Pimp 104 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 8 105 A Word’s Worth 110 One Fell Swoop 114 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 9 118 Border Conflicts 123 Fell-Walking Tip 15 127 A Week in the Lake District 128 Many Happy Returns to Bassenthwaite 130 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 10 132 At Your Beck and Fell 137 Away With the Councillors 140 Mrs Mudderdale’s Diary (September 22) 144 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 11 146 Cumbrian Weather 151 The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Fell-Runner 154 Barking up the Wrong Tree 156 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 12 160 Bluebird Flies Again 164 Farrago in Court 166 The Legends of Lakeland 26: The origin of mountain-climbing 168 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 13 171 Drama in Court: Ladies’ Bigamy Case Halted 176 The Way We Were, with Solomon Seal 179 The Wild Places 182 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 14 185 The Lake District National Park-and-Ride Scheme 190 The Life of Dame Mary Merewether 193 Corrections 195 Four Men in Their Boots, Day 15 196 Appendix: Notes on the Rainy Day Rambles Manuscript 202 EDITORIAL The Lake District of northwest England is renowned for its scenery. It is the United Kingdom’s largest National Park and the most often visited. Its high mountains, deep valleys and attractive lakes have proved irresistible to tourists and it was here that the Romantic writers first extolled the outdoors for spiritual reasons. However, a new light was shed upon the Lake District by the discovery in 2010 of a cache of confidential documents that seems to have been hidden in a barn in Aspatria, Cumbria. It has taken experts some time to decipher the documents, so badly affected were they by mildew and wot rot. Many of the pages had been chewed by mice. Indeed, in many cases, it has required a thorough forensic analysis of adjacent mice droppings to determine the text. This booklet includes the first results of the experts’ endeavours. It is generally agreed that the documents have no literary merit whatsoever but their contribution to the social history of Cumbria is a matter of interminable dispute. I have included an appendix to this booklet which provides some background to some of the items included here. These notes are adapted from my The Sociological Significance of the Rainy Day Rambles Manuscript (unpublished PhD thesis, University of Cumbria, 2013) and my subsequent seminal papers in the Journal of Cumbrian History (JoCH). The documents became known to experts as the “Rainy Day Rambles” (or RDR, for short) because it seemed that they had been gathered for entertainment on rainy days, for which the Lake District is also well known. These are not, however, rambles as fell- walkers understand the term but metaphysical meanderings in the spirit of the Middle Dutch rammelen. The author of RDR (or ARDR, or Arthur with a cold, as he (or she) became affectionately known) remains a mystery. He appears to have been a roving reporter for the Cumberland Courier, in which case he certainly roved far and wide. The interpretation of RDR is difficult because Arthur appears to have combined the factual and the fantastical in ways which the modern reader finds hard to distinguish. In some cases, it is difficult to relate to the very different world of the Lake District at the time the documents were written. In fact, experts cannot agree when RDR was written. There are references to events in the previous century, suggesting RDR was written shortly after them. On the other hand, there are discussions of policies which social historians believe were implemented long before or have yet to be implemented. Some critics believe that Arthur was just prescient in his meanderings and that the whole thing is a fantasy, and therefore date RDR much earlier. The photographs further confuse the chronology. The work on deciphering the documents is on-going and likely to be so for some considerable time. As new results emerge, they may lead to further volumes, who knows? The multitudinous scribblings, jottings and cuttings that Arthur left behind were not dated or sorted in any way. Some of the items appear to be inter-linked and those are included here in what we hope is a rational order. Otherwise items appear at random and irrationally, as Arthur would no doubt have wished. Front cover photo: Great Langdale Back cover photo: Causey Pike from Keswick These Boots resolved to be decisive. Yesterday I had wandered the streets of I Ambleside, daunted by the shop window displays, never once daring to go in. Today would be different. I strode to the first boots shop, took a deep breath, and marched in. It was the chemists. So I walked out again and on to a shop called ‘These Boots ...’, which I assume to be an allusion to that jaunty song by Nancy Sinatra that reached No 1 in 1966. “These boots are made for walkin’ and that’s just what they’ll do”, I mumbled. I tried to pull myself together, muttering “Focus, focus”. Another deep breath and in I went. I was still holding my breath when I heard a voice. “Can I help you, sir?” “Have you any walking boots?” I gasped, a question so inane that it received the answer it deserved - none at all. “May I measure you, sir?” I felt nauseous. I looked all around for help. What did he mean? Nancy trying out her boots 7 Rainy Day Rambles (2015), Drakkar Press, Copyright © 2015 John Self “Your feet, sir”. Ah, yes, this shop means business. They wouldn’t just take my word for it if I said “size 8”. I put my right foot forward. “Take your shoes and socks off, please, sir”. Of course. I sat down. Now was my chance to gather my thoughts. I took my time untieing my shoelaces. Eventually I offered him my right foot. He put it in a sort of box, drew in the sides, like a gentle vice, and wrote some numbers down. “And now the left foot, please”. He did the same with the left foot, and then casually said “Your left foot is 1.6 millimetres longer than your right foot”. I was astounded. How could that be? I had had these feet for 45 years and no-one had ever suggested that they were deformed. I was lop-sided. A freak. “Most people’s feet are different” he said, sensing my concern. “Now stand here, please”. And he measured them again. “Feet change shape when you stand on them” he explained, as if to a child. “They get longer and wider, and, in your case, the arch here collapses”. What was he suggesting now? That my feet were weak as well as deformed? This was getting serious. “Do you have trouble walking?” he asked. Cripes! I tried to lighten the mood. “Only after a few drinks” I replied. He ignored me. “Do you pronate?” Pronate? Prenate? Prenatal? Prenatal exercises? Surely not. “Don’t lose it now, focus, focus” I told myself. “Does your heel bend at an angle?” I gaped. “Do you wear out the soles of your shoes unevenly?” I had no idea. I picked them up and had a look. Sure enough, the outsides of the heels had worn away and the insides were intact. I was walking on two slopes. I must be bow-ankled. 8 Rainy Day Rambles (2015), Drakkar Press, Copyright © 2015 John Self “Never mind” he said. “We can fix that with insoles”. “That’s a relief” I said, and, feeling a little bolder, I added “I would like my boots to be British-made, sustainably-produced, ecologically-sound, carbon-neutral, energy-efficient, odour-free, organic, biodegradable and dishwasher-proof”.
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