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Twll-Ddu Fictitious Facts Ltd 22 Northumberland Avenue Our Ref; TD-1O Reading Berks. RG2 7PV U.K. Advent Publishers Ltd Chicago

Dear Sirs, You may recall publishing Harry Warner's attempts to force a whole decade’s fannish history into a single book. But James Joyce showed in his Ulysses (the choice of which for Ballantine Adult Fantasy as a forgotten work was instrumental in the removal from office of Lin Carter) that the events of one day require enormous space to record in full; I think my History of UK Since Twll-Ddu 9 will (if its subject is to be properly treated) run

to five or six volumesat the least.

Before you pass on to a rapturous perusal of the attached synopsis, please consider the many selling points of the History. For example, the series to date has received the 1977 Nova Award for Imaginative Lies. Admittedly, envious and spiteful persons may mutter that I drafted the award rules, sat on the Nova Committee and bought drinks for all three voters. Ignore this. The award itself is very striking and would make a good jacket illustration; it is seventeen inches high, rising from a marble base, via a column of purple metal with little holes in it (through which silver starbursts may be seen), to a platform chequered in turquoise and orange glitter, which supports a chess-knight in the same turquoise, having in the side of its head an ingenious trapdoor which discloses strange cogwheels and watchsprings within, the whole of this top part of the trophy being enclosed in golden wire loops carrying little balls to represent the planets in their orbits, or possibly electrons caught in the act of defying the uncertainty principle.

Chris Foss and Eddie Jones could achieve nothing like this.

Moreover, if we use the Award on the front cover it will be snffio.ient excuse for featuring in letters (say) four inches high the name of its maker, Ray Bradbury. Fans who pay money for Tarzan, Perry Rhodan or Space 1999 are unlikely to consider the possibility of more than one Ray

Bradbury.

I look forward to receiving your comments and a large cash advance.

Yours faithfully

Dave Langford

PS; Dave Rowe (a BNF) says that I am vain. May I assure you that this is not so? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOQOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCXXXXXKJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOQOQOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000O00000000000000000000000000000OOOO0OOOOQ 00 oo oo The Twll-Ddu 10 Synopsis-----from the carbon copies of Dave Langford. BA (jrd). oo oo oo 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

MILFORD 1977 -----in order, he said, to demonstrate the bite of an Australian spider? Here I mingled, (from a cautious dist­ ance) with the Greats, and listened in awe Which publisher told the meeting that to the intimate chit-chat of literary the most important aspect of a book was society... storytelling? -The writing's awful, the characters are ludicrous and the plot's Of which great publishing house did banal-----but it's great storytelling and Richard Cowper say "The contract was full we're going to make it a best-seller...- of clauses like Y? Scribe shall be flog­ ("Andre;/ is a fine storyteller," he ged"? said later; the writers drew aside in horror from a cringing Mr Stephenson.) Whose was the young child whom Andrew Stephenson assaulted in the billiard- Who said "This is another Holdstock room? fucking-the-earth story."?

Which lady writer and dealt death And who were the fourteen writers who to all and sundry——or, at any rate, the threatened Twll-Ddu's editor with instant shins of all and sundry-----with her motor­ death should he answer these questions ised wheelchair? in print?

Whose contract with whom excited the My lips are sealed. following Priestly response? -----"It seems to me there are two glaring omissions from this contract. The first is the per­ "JOE NICHOLAS----- MY" MOST FORGETTABLE fectly normal one, where the Author ag­ CHARACTER" rees to deliver his wife, suitably garbed in see-through chiffon gown, for a period This bit is all in short words for of full Copyright. The other, of course, Joe N. When I've had a beer or two, at is the one about nail-parings and hair­ cons or in the One Tun, I tend to use clippings ..." more long words-----phrase on phrase with no pause for Joe to think-----and so he Who was the Robert P Holdstock who gets mad, spills his drink and shrieks hurled the Langford frisbee into forty "God, long words... stop it, stop it!" acres of bramble? And why was guiltless Richard Cowper thrust in to retrieve it? Then he sulks for a while and by and by says some long words of his own, just hliich tall and languid dreamer of Wes­ to prove that he can do it too. Or he sex, when told that a one-time Cypher whines "I know what it iss you read the editor had gone to his room and failed Saint books when you were young-----that's to come out again, quipped "That sounds where you stole all those long words and like Jim Goddard."? learnt how to say them fast so they make you sound pseud and too damn bright." Why did a certain Greek lady put char­ acters called Starretrech and Takis into Of course I point out that this is not her literary offering? true, and he snarls back "Ha! You could not use good short words to save your Is it true that one editor bought USA life." So then I try to write some of the and UR rights only from his authors, but small words which are so much to Joe's sold full world rights to the publisher? taste, but find the style strange and odd. In fact, it looks a lot as though I have What happened to whose coccyx? tried-----not all that well-----to write the sort of thing Kev Smith put in Dot 2 (a Who were the unlucky ones whom Chris good , I must add, which is quite Priest pinched Spock-fashion on the neck lost on the dull hordes who have not read such books as Guys and Dolls). Foot, as from his frantic bopping he sees a tend­ the Rats are wont to say. These short ril of Slime descending slowly towards ivords are no fun. him from the ceiling, a trap also set (unsuccessfully) for John Brunner, who (By the way, there is a book whose has annoyed someone by saying what style is like this all the way through----- cretins the committee must be to invite all small words. It is called Whales for him when just across the Channel are the Welsh; it is a mite dull, like this Huge Names like Gerard Klein and Herbert bit; it is, I think and hope, now out of W Francke, whose presence would surely print. So much for Lit Crit.) be an enormous publicity pull in this land where they are so widely read, not least by I'D? Brunner, who is unimpressed" by D.West's drawing of him with a point NOVACON 7 at the top of his head, exhibited next to D.West's drawing of Chris Priest with The events of this con have now fused an extra quarter-inch of noSe, ah, the into a single lurid, hallucinatory vision? sense of wonder, as seen at the Fancy there I am, struggling to say intelligent tbInge to a sea of hostile faces ("It is Dress Thing where Star Wars makes its first squamous appearance at a British amazing to consider the vast assembly of con while Joe Nicholas and Helen McCarthy talent upon this platform; also present display again their open, mutual hatred are these four members of the Writers' and the revelry goes wildly on (cf. "The Panel...”) with Pete Weston fulminating Masque of the Red Death") until with a about the awful story "Visitors from Be­ sound of thunder the roof of the Royal yond" circulated for discussion but admit­ Angus cracks open to reveal a great ting "This is the sort of rubbish I get darkness whereon is writ in letters of sent for ANDROMEDA" and Malcolm Edwards fire IF NOVACON COMES CAN SKYCON BE FAR whispering "It’s the sort of rubbish you BEHIND? and I wake up all sweaty and print in MDROMEDA" while the little­ moving-blot machine (a Dave Bridges term trembling... which seems to have passed into the lang­ uage) is saying 'Teople-people-people- people---- " in its high electronic voice, THE WONDERS OF THE FANNISH WORLD maddening Hazel who, fifty yards away at the Registration Desk, is knitting a seven (1) The Margins of Maya foot scarf, causing Bob Shaw to scratch Tall, laboriously finished and exquis­ his head and murmur of tiny garments, itely straight on either side, these while John Brunner calls the 2,400 quote­ monumental margins have survived the att­ cards a "half-hearted effort" to recap­ ture the glories of yesteryear (half­ rition of the centuries. It is said that their architect was greatly honoured for hearted and inept artists Barker, Bell, his efforts; among other rich rewards, Hansen, Jeeves and (Jon) Langford take he was elevated to ruling circles which note) and all the time Greg Pickersgill left him no time to create new margins. is urging more publicity for the Nova Award ballot, with what embarrassing re­ Sic transit. sults we have already noted, as snarls (2) Andrew Stephenson's VAT Accounting of "Christ, he voted for Jackson...that's System another name off the mailing list" are heard in the ultra-secret Counting Room Modern minds cannot fully grasp the while outside Hike Dickinson is fondling complexity of this vast numerological his Slime, a fearful green thixotropu_c . edifice; though von Dftniken has not yet substance fully comprehended only by Brian Parker, which (the Slime, not Brian) oozes remarked upon it, the System is certain proof that the ancient denizens of Woo- from D.West's glasses and through his bum Green possessed a crude form of moustache in slow inexorably dripping Hewlett-Packard calculator. a-lobs onto Joe Nicholas, the repellent effect completed by D's horrendous and hoglike sniffs and grunts, the whole a (?) The Leaning D.West of Bingley psychic shock which leaves one's frontal This remarkable image stands amid lobes dangling loosely from the earholes, the giant stone phalloi once worshipped and one's face a mask of frozen horror, by the Northern tribes. Nearby are huge, not unlike Rob Hansen's as looking up OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO monolithic stones bearing interminable 000000000000000 00 00 inscriptions3 the effect of desolation 80 LETTERS op is most striking. Archaeologists have 00 00 00 00 catalogued the Leaning D.West as a "rit­ OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ual object--—purpose unknown”. * DAVE R(ME, 8 Park Drive, Wickford, (4) The Stomach of the Blessed Hoare Essex, SS12 9DH Let us draw a veil over this marvel "I didn’t actually have time to read of convexity. After all, Martin usually Twll-Ddu 8 & 9 but I have no doubt it does. was full to the brim with, your usual...... wittisms and vaguarities which always (5) The Colossus of South Ealing become cystal clear after a second read (if one has time) (too bad the editor Continuing research may shortly prov­ never has time to re-read them himself ide insight into the ancients’ motives and. rephrase it more clearly)* As I for building such a short and hairy never hadtime to read, it for even the colossus. first time it was all amazingly under­ standable (esp. for a D.Langford zine), (6) The Tom Jones Pronunciation of and saved me yet again yawning my way 'Tanzinei: thru’ the latest endless Joseph Nicholas opuscule whilst chuckling merrily at . This requires hours of practice and was your quite blatant manoeuvres to mention one of the most difficult accomplishments every fan you know and thus firmly retain of the ancients. A feeble echo of it may your position in everyones’ good books as be attained by saying Fan-2yne with equal stress upon each syllable (as in a higly noticable fan." Auld Pan Syne). ** When I’ve no time to re-read a letter ** I merely type it out, strictly sic. (7) The Inability of Langford to Conceive Expect it was a typical Dave Rowe of a Seventh Wonder Letter...

JIM T.TWonD, 125 Twickenham Road, Isle­ * Hazel reminds me that in one Egyptolog­ worth, Middlesex ical museum, this inscription was attached to a rusty tin-opener. "David Langford’s first play, , depicted humanity as two characters? . Faned, a legless, blind selfish material­ IN THE ONE TUN ist who lives in a dustbin and his ser­ vant, Contribore, upon whom he is totally Pronk Arnold was furiously arranging dependent. Contribore sees a vision of a a special Christmas meeting for Dec 15th beautiful woman, Gafia, but when he tries (the date, with luck, of this TD). to leave the stage to find her he becomes The lady from behind the bar cane out paralysed and the spotlight falls on a .and accosted famous Andrew Stephenson. previously unseen vacant dustbin. Lang­ "Is this right about a meeting on the ford’s first full-length play, Twll-Ddu 15th?” she asked earnestly. 8, presents a group of wretched tramps "Yes, that’s right," he pontificated. Tn several sordid scenes of drunkenness "The manager told me to ask you," she waiting for the enigmatic Me Prodom. As pypl ninad. "He said you were the one to they wait, passing the time by insulting ask. " each other, comic relief is provided by A furtive blush peeped round the edge the appearance of a turbulent priest and of Andrew’s beard. his tormented slave, Little Mil. In the final act a little boy, Weston, arrives Earlier that evening, the Nightwatch with the message that Mr Prodom would fan-club surrounded Andrew. not be coming. The tramps hang them­ He signed their copies with lofty selves. Although the dialogue seems to condescension, mingled with bonhomie. be nothing more than a series of trivial He signed photographs of himself. remarks and economic observations the Andrew has Made It. poetic power of such lines as ’I told -----Hove over, . you I wanted the lay of the land, not an ing to me any more. I’m not going to telL introduction to Helen McCarthy’ convey you my Harlan Ellison anecdote." the utter helplessness of man in a mad, BRYN FORTEY has said (though not to me) unsympathetic environment... that I have spoilt his beautiful relation­ stunning existential tour-de- ship with Peter Weston. force into the surreal twilight world of PETER WESTON? "Who’s this Allan Bcott these vindictive, cruel and downright who calls me a silverfish? I mean, silv­ disgusting people. ’ —Vector erfish are little and slimy and nasty. ’’’Worth crawling over Dave Rowe to I’m not like that..." see, i —Stop Breaking Down" ALLAN SCOTT? "Out of context.. .dunno how I came to say it... just happened...can’t ** There were many other strange comments ■imagine what came over me m’lud. and criticisms, some verbal and some GE OR® HAY? "I assume the next TWILL DHH witten. A brief medley? will be set to music?" JOSEPH NICHOLAS? "No redeeming social PETER NICHOLLS? "You’ve ruined my free­ value." lance career. ’’ CHRIS EVANS? "The consistent quality of MALCOLM EDWARDS? "You mangled my two best the mag is amazing—how do you manage Jim Blish anecdotes. Judy isn’t speak­ to keep it so low?" (By printing letters.) oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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ws? wtiwa wows win dwvd Nour BRMN.f SU&Dlri’ fe’mTT ] . VooF^ue mi su#>py ©Fmy and I only managed a couple of overweight qq-rat, CLARKE, 6 Christchurch Road, Surb­ water-skiers." iton, Surrey, KT5 8JJ PAM BOAT.2 "Do you really wish to reduce •Tear Mr Langford, the world around you to motionless "Once again, I feel moved to congrat­ ulate you on your exceptionally erudite silence?" zine. However, I am a little perturbed by D.WEST? "Doubtless Fr