The Game Rules for Life E-Book Version Copyright © 2000 by Doug Kelley All Rights Reserved

E-Book Version

Principles in the Art of Living

How to Find Meaning in Life

Doug Kelley

Doug Kelley is Professional Speaker, Trainer, Author, Consultant, and Coach who helps business professionals excel in Assertive Communication Skills, Assertive Leadership Skills, Assertive Team Skills, and Assertive Customer Service. Doug is also the Founder of Empowered Recovery, a unique self-help program for the friends and family of alcoholics.

Presented by Kelley Training Systems, Inc. Empowering the Human Spirit

Website Information:

www.DougKelley.com www.LifeLeadershipInstitute.org www.EmpoweredRecovery.com

Original Print Version Published with Help From

SevenEyes Publications

(804) 261-0881

http://7eyes.faithweb.com/vsm.html

ISBN: 0-9671223-1-7 First Printing 500 Copies, June 2000

To order a printed copy, please visit www.LifeLeadershipInstitute.org

- 1 - Dedication

To my wife, Tracy, for her support, inspiration and discussions of the deep things of life;

To my son, Michael, who has braved a difficult journey;

To my parents, Dick and Varonna Kelley, who raised me to respect life and appreciate higher human virtues;

To Sal and Debbie Balderrama, who mentored me through difficult years and whom I am proud to call friends.

To Howard Rovig, who had a greater positive impact on me than he probably realizes.

Acknowledgements

I would like to make special acknowledgement to my best friend and wife, Tracy, for her insightful and significant contribution to this work. She studiously and tirelessly helped through the editing process, for which I am also grateful.

I thank Audrey Gross and Joan Layne for their valuable comments as well as allowing me to use their stories to anchor my points on Childhood Guilt and Visualizing, respectively. In addition, I thank Harlan Vall for allowing me to use his essay on righteous indignation.

I also want to thank Carol Mahler Leonard, Nancy Hall, Marian Farrell and Estelle Tobin, as well as many other acquaintances and friends for giving me valuable input on my concepts.

I have made an honest effort to ascertain the source of the very few stories and many quotes that were not my own. Any unattributed quotes or stories are inadvertent and unintentional. Changes, if necessary, will be made with the next revision.

Unless Otherwise Noted, All Word Definitions Taken From:

Scriptural Citations Are Taken From:

- 2 -

Contents

Introduction: ...... 5

Section 1: Life Rules Life Rule 1: "Discover Creation and Find Fulfillment in the Process"...... 7 A Beautiful Game Rule • Discovering Your Purpose and Meaning in Life • A Plan for Living • Our Life Vision • Creating Your Own Plan for Living • The Difference Between the "Meaning of Life," and "Our Purpose in Life"

Life Rule 2: "Leave the Woodpile Higher than You Found It" ...... 13 The Power of a Positive Contribution to Humankind • The Ownership Attitude

SECTION 2: GAME RULES Game Rule 1: Free Will-The Greatest Gift! ...... 15 Free Will Has Limits • Free Will and Individual Rights • Free Will and the Issue of Control • Acceptance Means Release Means Bliss • When We Encounter Resistance to Our Free Will

Game Rule 2: Building Character Through Adversity ...... 22 Managing Our Adversity • When Our Problems Consume Us • Sample Focus List • When We Cannot Help Ourselves • Adversity Builds Character • Finding Meaning in Our Suffering

Game Rule 3: Get Rid of Guilt & Shame! ...... 30 Guilt, Shame and Self-Worth • "If Only…" • Guilt Over Childhood Mistakes, Trials and Abuse • Guilt and Shame Motivation • How to Get Rid of the Guilt

Game Rule 4: Life-An Exercise in Futility? ...... 39 The Human Need to Avert Futility • How to Understand and View Futility • Futility Is Futile • Is Death the Ultimate Futility?

Game Rule 5: The Art of Living ...... 43 The Choice Is Ours • Show Respect for Life • The Delightful Things of Life • Finding Peace • Re- solve to Really Live! • Contemplating the Art of Living

Game Rule 6: Show True Mercy to Others ...... 49 True Mercy Is Active • Mercy vs. Righteous Indignation, Self-Righteousness and Judgmentalism • Things Aren't Always What They Seem • Empathy as a Show of Mercy • Poem: Saints and Sinners

Game Rule 7: The Nature of Success ...... 58 What Success Is and What it Is Not • One of Life's Greatest Lessons • Characteristics of Success • It Is Never Too Late to Start

- 3 - Game Rule 8: Getting and Staying Motivated ...... 66 How to Find and Keep Your Motivation—Eight Ways to Get Motivated

Game Rule 9: Gaining Momentum ...... 70 Facts and Lessons on Momentum • The Law of Momentum • What Goes Up Doesn't Necessarily Have to Come Down

Game Rule 10: The 180 Principle-A Contrarian Approach to Problem-Solving …. 74 Thinking Contrarian • Creative Problem-Solving • Use the 180 Principle to "Paradox It!"

Game Rule 11: Easy Come, Easy Go-Developing a New Money Attitude ...... 79 Making Ends Meet (Or Overlap) • On Investing • Wealth Without Greed • How to Change Your Money Attitude

Game Rule 12: Greatness to Deliver ...... 84 The Characteristics of Greatness • Delivering Your Own Greatness

About Doug Kelley ...... 89

About Kelley Training Systems, Inc...... 89

- 4 - INTRODUCTION

"Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink. Some come to gargle." —Author Unknown

AS I have made my voyage through life, I have often been amazed at how many folks seek desperately to get ahead, but fail again and again. They ache inside from undergoing continual problems, or feel that their lives are meaningless. Finding meaning in life seems to be in short supply in our world. Viktor Frankl, in his book, Man's Search For Meaning, 1 noted this when he wrote, "Clinics are crowded with people suffering from a new kind of neu- rosis, a sense of total and ultimate meaninglessness of life." This is truly unfortunate, because one of the greatest cures to that which distresses us is finding meaning in our lives. Even with the search for meaning being in such high demand and adoration, it has escaped many people. But I ask, "Why does this have to be?" Beyond uncontrollable events, I just don't believe that we must always have to deal with adversity, which can rob us of our life's meaning. I believe that we can refine ourselves so that, more often than not, we win and therefore suffer fewer problems. It is my objective with this writing to help those who are looking to avoid needless suffering and find rich meaning in their lives. As I grappled with finding meaning in my own life, I felt that if God would just provide some answers, then I could be so much happier. Consequently, I read many books and considered every aspect of creation in an effort to search out life's grand meaning. I discovered several things, one being that finding meaning in life is an art and skill—it takes time, experience and applying what we learn. I also came to accept that there are certain rules—game rules—that one must know if he or she is to get the most out of life. Due to facing the inherent problems that life brings, I came to formulate two principles which I call "Life Rules." I believe these Life Rules are crucial to finding more meaning in life. They are:

• Uncover/Discover the Things Hidden In and Through Creation; and Find Personal Enjoyment and Ful- fillment in the Process.

• Leave the Woodpile a Little Higher Than You Found It.

Once I developed these Life Rules, I delved even deeper. I sought out the reasons why these Life Rules were pertinent; what made them acceptable; how they could be applied in life. I then used each Life Rule as a basis to develop other relevant topics. I call these expanded topics, "Game Rules," which cover many of life's most pressing issues. Many aspects of each Game Rule interlace, and complement other Game Rules. The common thread that runs through this entire book is finding meaning, freedom and greatness in our lives. It is all about the choices that are available to us. It is about setting new boundaries, as well as about finding success in every aspect of our lives. I have candidly and honestly addressed different life issues. I have endeavored to present only ways of thinking that are quantifiable, logical, and easy to adopt. Since I personally find it impossible to reconcile a religious God of love with the outcries of humanity, I have stayed away from conclusions which are based on religious faith, for everyone believes in a different way. With the incredible order of creation, there must also be logical answers, so I sought a philosophy that transcends religious fervor, but was compatible with whatever a person believed. I wish that I had all the answers—I don't. There are far more questions than there are answers, but we all knew that.

1 Simon & Schuster, 1984

- 5 - It is my sincere hope that this information will be beneficial to you. What I have compiled here are reflec- tions I have made and lessons I have learned in life. It is not my intention to give conclusive answers to life's questions, nor am I able to do that. Rather, I offer them to you in an effort to provoke you to thought, and then perhaps, you will formulate your own answers. If I accomplish this goal, then I am successful. Some say that knowledge is power. But knowledge is power only if we use it. So, as you ponder over my own personal "Fountain of Knowledge" in the pages to follow, I hope you will find it possible to drink, and not merely "gargle."

Doug Kelley

Southwest Florida, USA, Northern Hemisphere, Earth, Milky Way, Local Group, Virgo Super-cluster, Known Universe, Grand Scheme of Things, ???

March, 2000

- 6 - Section 1

Uncover/Discover the Things Hidden in and Through Creation; and Find Personal Enjoyment and Fulfillment in the Process

LIFE Rule 1 holds great exhilaration. When you consider the vast and awe-inspiring universe, you can‟t help getting lost in the fascination of it all. We are only limited by our imagination, which is itself a marvel of creation. Where do you start? How about the incredible array of creation? Here on earth, we don‟t know exactly how many species of plants and animals exist. Estimates range from 5 to 50 million, while only some 1.6 million have been identified thus far. Most of these species live in tropical rain forests. If this isn‟t astounding enough, scientists discover over 10,000 new species of plants and animals each year. A large number of these are insects, with five to ten new mammals and an equal number of birds identified each year. Likely, we cannot name more than a few. And what about the vast universe? Our solar system is on the edge of the Milky Way galaxy, which is part of a cluster of galaxies known as the Local Group, which itself is a part of another cluster known as the Virgo Supercluster. How exciting and wonderful it is to gaze at the night sky and dream about the possibilities!

A Beautiful Game Rule Many times in my life I have wondered why God has not given us more answers. I have at times felt very disconcerted with God for not responding to me in the way I had wanted. I reasoned that life would be so much more palatable if He would only give me some of the answers I sought. Maybe you have pondered this as well. Then it occurred to me—I figured out why we are not told many of the Game Rules for Life. Once I figured it out, I wondered why it hadn‟t dawned on me sooner. The reason God does not give us all the answers is because we are meant to discover them individually for ourselves. In addition to this being the only answer the evidence points to, it is also one of the most beautiful facts of life. Why would God deprive us of the rightful claim to self-development? The fact is, that because of free will, He wouldn‟t and doesn‟t. We were meant to discover the beauty and enormity of all that is around us for ourselves. In order to live a fulfilling life, we must seize the right to learn our own lessons, take our own lumps, meet head-on our own disappointments and failings, and then come through victorious. Why? Because this is the only way we grow mentally, physically, spiritually, and otherwise. It can also bring rich meaning to our lives. Viktor Frankl, in his book, Man's Search for Meaning, listed three things that add meaning to one's life: "1) By creating a work or deed; 2) By experiencing something or encountering someone; and 3) By the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering." We can find meaning and fulfillment from many different avenues if we just look. Just as happiness is where we see it, so fulfillment and meaning can be found as well. It all depends on our outlook and attitude.

Discovering Your Purpose and Meaning in Life In discovering all the hidden things in creation, it is important to start with ourselves first. We must understand what our own purpose is; what our own vision is; and where our gifts lie. Many have found it a long and arduous task in figuring out what they really want to do with their lives. But this step is critical. The late comedian George Burns said, "We need to find some reason to get out of bed each morning." John Homer Mil-

- 7 - ler emphasized this when he wrote, “Discover what you want most of all in this world, and set yourself to work on it." This is the basis for getting the most out of life; we need to find a good reason/purpose to get out of bed each morning, something that excites us and adds meaning to our lives. The late scientist and author, Isaac Asimov epitomized the discovery of our special desire. When asked what he would do if he only had six months to live, he replied, "Type faster." Now that's a man who knew what he wanted out of life! Can we do the same? If we were asked the same question, how would we reply? We can pursue endless varieties of vocations that demand endless varieties of talents and expertise. We are limited only by our imagination and dreams. Discovering one's purpose is a highly personal decision that we all must make individually and no one else has the right to judge us for our choices. Incidentally, if we don't make the choice actively, the choice will be made for us passively by default. Either way, a choice will be made. Why, we even have a choice as to whether we will make an active choice with regard to our life's purpose! Why not resolve right now to pursue your life's ambition? How do you go about discovering your purpose in life? How do you discover that which will bring the greatest meaning to your life? The first step is to answer a simple question that may be very difficult: • What do I call a good day?

The answer we give to this question is the key that literally unlocks the potential of our life. Our answer will determine what is closest to our heart, what truly inspires us. If we are having a hard time answering this question, try answering some other simple questions that may be difficult:

• What truly inspires me? • What motivates me? • What excites me about life? • What brings me joy? • How do I define happiness? • If money was no object, how would I spend my time?

If we are still having a hard time answering these questions, then try ruling things out. For example ask yourself:

• What do I call a bad day? • What does not inspire me? • What does not motivate me? • What does not excite me about life? • What does not bring me joy? • How do I define unhappiness?

These questions will entail extensive thought. They require us to really know ourselves well. It may take a little time to come up with answers that we feel good about. But once we do answer the question, "What do I call a good day?", we will be well on our way to finding purpose and meaning in our lives.

A Plan for Living In the world of business, it is imperative to put together a business plan. When I started a successful office equipment dealership in the spring of 1990, I developed a business plan, which I then took to the bank to secure financing. I firmly believe that if I hadn't put together my business plan in a complete and professional manner, the bank would not have financed me. A typical business plan is an evolving "animal." In it, one addresses all the details of how the business will be operated and grown. For example, such areas as your vision for the business, company philosophy, sales and marketing strategies, suppliers, competition, advertising, sales projections and forecasts, employee requirements, location, cash flow projections, cost analysis, personal credit report, personal experience and

- 8 - background, and financing needs must all be addressed. As you can see, no stone should be left unturned when planning a new business. Since many new businesses fail in the first year, and most by the third, we need all the advantages possible on our side. And further, if we don't take our business seriously, why should anyone else—especially a banker? Well, if it is that important for a business to have a plan, how much more important it is that we should have a plan. Many people already have a "plan for dying." It is known as a will, or living trust. 2 In fact, people will go to a lot of effort and spend up to several thousand dollars to have a living trust prepared for them, only to ignore the most important plan—the Plan for Living. Should we not at least give the same attention to planning how we will spend our lives? After all, when you stop to think about it, we will be spending our most meaningful years in life, not in death. We really can't do anything with our material possessions, wealth, or relationships after we are dead. So why not detail how we will enjoy them while we are still alive? This concept of a Plan for Living is undoubtedly one of the most beneficial concepts I have come across in my life. It was originally suggested by David J. Schwartz, Ph.D., in his book, The Magic of Self Direction. 3 Like many people, I had always found it virtually impossible to write down any goals. Oh, I had goals, but like most people's goals, they were always in my mind. Without actually writing down our goals, they never seem to solidify. Since it is important to review our goals daily, it is easier when they are set down in ink. In addition, writing goals seems a mysterious process, because unless we do some research on setting goals, we never know quite what to write down, or figure out how they are to be implemented. On the other hand, doing a Plan for Living was far easier, because I could understand how it needed to be developed—in a detailed manner, like a business plan. I urge you to develop your own Plan for Living. The sooner you do, the sooner you will benefit. (See the box on the next page for guidelines.)

Our Life Vision Your Life Vision is vital to your Plan for Living. It is the canvas upon which you will paint your dream. The colors are your skills, the brush strokes your mistakes and lessons. You must first conceive of the dream you desire. This may or may not come easy. Some may have to do deep reflection as highlighted above to figure out what constitutes a good day, and therefore, the dream they desire to pursue. Although you may feel that your dream is out of reach, it doesn't have to stay that way. After conceiving your Life Vision, you must next sketch out a rough draft of the picture you want to paint. You do this by formulating and writing down your life vision. All that is necessary is a one or two sentence statement of your life vision. For example, my life vision states: "To give back to the world by helping others to find rich meaning and personal enhancement in their lives by way of writing and speaking." Why not write your own vision statement down? Once you have identified your dream, then you must set it in motion by visualizing it mentally everyday. Visualizing can be quite powerful. Author Joan Layne told me how she used visualizing to advance in her previous career:

"I was trying to obtain a particular management job in my career as a government worker aspiring to move up the management ladder. Having read books such as The Power of Positive Thinking and Pos- itive Imaging by Norman Vincent Peale, I decided to try the technique of 'imaging' (visualizing). Every night I would picture my name, identified as a manager, on an imaginary door. "Of course, I did other things in my efforts to get the job. For instance, I gained the technical expertise to qualify for the position, did a lot of volunteer work within the office, and 'dressed for success.' "It was difficult to do the imaging when I did not get immediate results. But I persisted and was selected for one of the best management jobs (along with a salary increase) I have ever had by using

2 A living trust is a legal instrument that includes a will and is used to disperse a person's property and assets after death. It is common among high net worth individuals. It is not to be confused with a "Living Will," which is used to direct medical treatment in the event that a person is unconscious or incapacitated.

3 Parker Publishing, 1965

- 9 - this technique. I highly recommend it for anyone who wants to see successful results in any endeavor."

My Plan for Living GUIDELINES

Step 1: Answer this question: “What do I call a good day?”

• Answering this question will determine what is really close to your heart; what really motivates and inspires you; what brings you joy and really excites you.

• It is crucial that you accurately and thoughtfully answer this question before you go on.

Step 2: Compose your Personal Life Vision

• Write a concise and powerful statement that fully describes your Personal Life Vision.

Step 3: Create your own personal Plan using the following guidelines:

• Categories: Personal; Spiritual / Self-Development; Career; Financial; Special Pursuits or Interests; Retirement.

• Time Frames: 0—6 Months; 7—12 Months; 13—24 Months; 2—5 Years; 6 Years—Retirement

Step 4: Define a Plan of Action for each objective:

Ask yourself and write down the answers to:

• "What specific action(s) will I need to take to attain my objectives?" • "What other person(s) or organization will I need to utilize to reach my goal?

Keep the following points in mind as you formulate your Plan for Living:

• Answer the questions, “Who, What, Why, Where, When and How” for each Time Frame and Cate- gory; • Get Detailed! Plan every aspect of your life! “Planning” implies that you invest time and effort; • The first 12 months of your Plan should be the most detailed. • This is your "Plan," structure, define and detail it to your own satisfaction. The more detailed and comprehensive it is, the easier it will be for your goals to solidify. • Print your Plan out and regularly review it. Update it every six months. • Do something each day to work your Plan, even if it is only reviewing it.

- 10 - Notice how Joan used positive visualization in "seeing" her nameplate on the door to the office and position she desired. She also persisted even when she didn't get immediate results. This is imperative—we should never give up in visualizing our dreams and objectives. It is up to you to paint a beautiful picture. Pursuing your vision requires discernment, perception and intelligent foresight. You must regularly measure your progress in attaining it. Circumstances and adversities push us in certain life directions, but you must never forget your dream, for it no doubt is a painting of extraordinary beauty.

The Difference Between the "Meaning of Life" and Our "Purpose in Life" We do not want to confuse the "meaning of life" with the "purpose of life." These are two different things. The "meaning" of life remains constant, while the "purpose of life" can change. The "meaning" of our lives is built upon values and beliefs. The "purpose" of life involves what we do day to day to pursue those values and beliefs. Both the "meaning" and the "purpose" of life add value to the other, and they are "joined at the hip" so to speak. For us to find fulfillment, we must have both. For example, my vision statement above constitutes the meaning of my life. My Plan for Living outlines my purpose, that is, what I must do daily to accomplish my life's meaning. It is only when we embrace our hearts' desire and combine the meaning of our life with the purpose of our life, that we bring true fulfillment to our life. If we are shackled with a career or job that we really do not like, then we remain imprisoned in our own self-made hell. As long as we do this, we will find little enjoyment and fulfillment in life. If you are not happy with your current employment, then you owe it to yourself to pursue your most treasured desire. • We can discover so many marvelous things on our planet! What wonder and beauty is there just for the taking! There is also so much to discover inside each of us! And as we grow personally, we gain more and more fulfillment and satisfaction out of life. Life is too short and too long to spend it doing something that we don't like, nor is there any reason to. So go out and discover all that creation has to offer, and enjoy the process! And while you are at it, do good to your fellow human, as Life Rule 2 discusses.

- 11 - MAXIMS ON LIFE RULE 1

• "I pity the man without a purpose in life." —Thomas Edison

• "Don't let weeds grow around your dreams." —Author Unknown

• "If you don‟t know where you‟re headed in life, then that is where you‟ll end up—'Nowhere.'" — Doug Kelley

• "The urge to beauty and the need for beautiful and gracious and lovely things in life is as vital a need as the urge for bread." —Luther Burbank

• "If you don‟t know what you are looking for in life, how will you know if you find it?" —Doug Kelley

• "I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want." —Mark Twain

• "An unfulfilled vocation drains the color from a man's entire existence." —Honore de Balzac

• "Fortunately, in her kindness and patience, Nature has never put the fatal question as to the meaning of their lives into the mouths of most people. And where no one asks, no one needs to answer." —Carl Jung

• "Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon." —Susan Ertz

- 12 -

Leave the Woodpile a Little Higher Than You Found It

MANY years ago, I first heard the above quote used by radio personality, Paul Harvey. I love the expression, because it encapsulates the very essence of giving back to the world. Life is about giving and taking, but it's more about giving. If all we do is use up the "firewood," none will be left for us or anyone else. In other words, if all we ever do is take from others and from the world around us, we all lose. Unfortunately, some people only take from others. We all have known these types of people. Somehow, they just don't get it. Undoubtedly, these people are or will become very lonely individuals, for no one will stay around someone forever who only takes, but does not give back. People who are only takers suck the life right out of other people. What a tragedy it is when the world would be a better place if we were dead than if alive. Actually, we need to ask ourselves if others would be better off with us or without us. 4 This is not a time for a "pity party." It is time to take a reasonable, rational assessment of whether we add to or take away from others' enjoyment of life. On the other hand, many tend to give back to the world. Can you think of someone that you have known that has made this world a better place? Likely you have. Many men and women have left behind a living, lasting legacy of greatness. In reality, the real heroes are the everyday people who make a big difference in someone's life, whether a parent, a brother or sister, a friend or a mentor. In my own life, many have had a positive impact on me, but especially three men I have known: my father, an uncle and a life-long friend. All have been mentors for me. My mother has also had a tremendous impact on my life. She has believed in me and supported me through my most trying times. In addition, I have known no finer person than my wife Tracy. She is literally filled with goodness and is unquestionably the most positive person I have ever known. They have all had a significant influence on who I am as a person today, and I believe that it has been a very good influence.

The Power of a Positive Contribution to Humankind Eleanor Roosevelt wrote, "When you cease to make a contribution you begin to die." Have you ever known someone that had no reason to live? Perhaps they were depressed, blue, melancholy, beaten down, or emotionally immobilized. Perhaps they had stopped making a contribution to the world. Whether the way they feel is justified or not, it has long been recognized that one of the best ways to help ourselves out of a depression is to do something meaningful for someone else. It doesn't have to be anything major. It can be as simple as preparing a meal for a sick friend, or encouraging someone who is down and out. A marvelous thing happens when we do something nice for someone else—we get our mind off our own troubles, which if left alone, can grow to monstrous proportions. If you want to shrink your own problems, do something nice for someone else, and do so anonymously if possible. We can do no greater good than doing a "nice" for someone and not be found out, or expect to get anything in return.

The Ownership Attitude An attitude that will help us in making our contribution to the world is an ownership attitude. This attitude will make a tremendous difference in your life as soon as you "put it on." It is among the greatest lessons of life.

4 Please understand this in the context for which it is intended. This is not a question you should contemplate with a negative attitude. Be careful of depression. If you are depressed, get help. Don't just assume you are of no value.

- 13 - So often, we can readily identify the opposite of an ownership attitude—apathy. It happens whenever we are given shoddy service at a business or restaurant. Whenever someone displays an attitude of indifference, we see it. The "moment of truth" arrives and we form an opinion—and it's usually negative. On the other hand, we demonstrate an ownership attitude when we take full responsibility for our job or career, and show initiative in performing our responsibilities. We mentally consider that we are part-owner of the company, and so do all we can to make the business grow. It means showing an active interest in customers, making sure that they leave with a good feeling for having done business with our company. It means thinking about ways to reduce waste and save the company money. The more money a company saves from needless expenses, the more money that will be available for raises and benefits. This is the bottom line of business. It is to each employee's advantage to give their very best to the growth and existence of the company he or she works for. By taking the ownership attitude, a person is seldom in want of work. Employers also have a responsibility to reward employees and key people who care enough to display an ownership attitude. In my experience, a person who dons the ownership attitude is a valuable and rare com- modity, and should never be ignored or treated wrongly. If an employee cares enough about his or her job/career to show an ownership attitude, then an employer should take notice and act accordingly. If you are an employer, keep these valuable people, because they are in short supply! The ownership attitude is a lesson that we should be teaching our young ones as well. So many times they grow up and begin working and yet really do not know how to work at all. I have employed young folks who did not even know how to do the basics properly. It is up to us parents to instill the ownership attitude in our children. If our children grow up with good values and attitudes, then we slowly change our world in a positive way. Have you had a positive impact on the world around you? If so, great! If not, it's never too late to start. Go out and look for opportunities to "build up the woodpile," and never take more than you give.

MAXIMS ON LIFE RULE 2

• "You can get anything you want in life, if you'll just help enough other people get what they want." —Zig Ziglar

• "We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give." —Author Unknown

• "Spend your life lifting people up, not putting people down." — Author Unknown

• "Doing nothing for others is the undoing of one's self. We must be purposely kind and generous or we miss the best part of existence. The heart that goes out of itself gets large and full of joy. This is the great secret of the inner life. We do ourselves the most good by doing something for others." —Horace Mann

• "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing." —Edmund Burke

• "You get the best out of others when you give the best of yourself." —Harry Firestone

- 14 - Section 2

FREE WILL -OUR GREATEST GIFT

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." —Abraham Lincoln

IF there is one single thing that is the foundation cornerstone of life, it is free will. Free will simply cannot be minimized in the Grand Scheme of things, as it makes up the very basis of all sentient life in existence. Exercising free will can be as easy as choosing a favorite treat or as complex as making decisions that have profound moral ramifications. Furthermore, free will has an impact on many areas of our life—some that we may not realize. For example, so many times we have prayed to God for a certain outcome, or to ask what we should do in a particular situation. So many times, we have wondered if God heard us at all. In fact, the silence may have been deafen- ing. How can this be when the Bible tells us that God will take care of us? It is because we were created with free will. God does not "micro-manage" individual human affairs. He created us with intelligence and capability—humans are marvels of creation. He does not “pull our strings” like puppets, but allows us to lead our own lives. What‟s more, we want it this way! To a large extent, we were created with the capacity of making our own way through life. The only way we humans learn is through past mistakes. Highlighting this, Pulitzer prize winning journalist Harrison E. Sa- lisbury observed, "There is no shortcut to life. To the end of our days, life is a lesson imperfectly learned." We humans have an inherent ability to build on past mistakes and failings. The truth is that only when we fall, can we stand tall; only when we stumble, can we regain our balance, and have opportunity to reevaluate where we are going. We want to be left to trace out our own paths, learn the lessons that must necessarily come with pioneering new trails; stumbling and falling; and then standing up again. So important is this that it is actually one aspect of the meaning of life (see Life Rule 1). Shielding us from the educational benefits of life‟s misfortunes would actually be a moral injustice on God‟s part—He would be withholding something that can bring intense meaning and refinement to our lives. If God were to trace our paths for us, then we would be nothing more than robots. Fate would prevail. But as it turns out, the concept of free will precludes and nullifies the concept of fate, as does the concept of reap- ing what we sow. Because of free will, God never promised that He would make our decisions for us or save us from adversity or hand us what we want on a silver platter. All the evidence points to the fact that God designed us to make our own way and learn our own lessons in life. He will not do for us what we can do for ourselves.

Free Will Has Limits In our inherent makeup, we naturally have the power of reason, and respect for each other. We also know inside that we must show honor and kindness to one another for life to run smoothly and for all to benefit. No

- 15 - one has any more or less power over creation than someone else. Therefore, it is not consistent with free will to try to overpower others with our own selfish wishes. In short, nobody has the freedom of will to hurt another; and no one has the freedom of will to take away another's freedom of will. Again, these broad and reasonable limits on free will are exactly what we want. Just as a child must have boundaries established, so adults must establish proper boundaries. We must always strive for higher human virtues and not to give in to base animalistic behaviors.

Free Will and Individual Rights Individual rights are directly related to free will. In fact, they intersect, and herein, we have a quandary. What happens when the free will of two individuals is in conflict? For example, an alcoholic has a basic human right to drink. That is his or her choice, and no one else can control that. Conversely, the alcoholic‟s spouse and family also have a basic human right not to endure the mental, emotional and physical abuse that comes with living with the alcoholic. So where do you draw the line? Why is it that the alcoholic‟s free will to drink and ruin his or her family relationships overrule the family‟s free will of enjoying a peaceful home life and having a functional mate, parent or child? Is it that life is simply a battle between free wills with the strongest one winning? Indeed, which free will prevails? This is not an easy dilemma to solve. However, when you consider both perspectives, the answer is that both parties can exercise their own free will, but both will have consequences (and benefits). The alcoholic can continue his or her self-destructive behavior and lose his or her family. The family can leave and move on with life, but without the alcoholic. Both parties may mourn the loss of the other and unnecessary hardships will likely result due to the parting. But both exercised their own free will. Another example: one person wants to “party all night” with loud music and their neighbor wants to sleep. It becomes clear that something else must play a role: Love and respect for our fellow human must temper free will and individual rights. As you can see, exercising free will is not always easy, because there are always casualties and consequences when you try to merge and reconcile conflicting free wills. The blending of individual free wills is a matter of healthy give and take—not “codependent” give and take. 5

Free Will and the Issue of Control In view of man‟s efforts to control, the question begs, “What right do humans have to control others?” In society, it is common to see different human organizations attempting to control the masses. It is also common to see individuals trying to control others. In fact, it could be stated that most, if not all, of the problems mankind faces today can be traced to control issues. Let's explore these two areas more deeply to answer who has rights of control.

In Society. For thousands of years, religion has exerted enormous control over people. People have literally done anything and everything in the name of religion. Extortion, inhumanity, murder, human sacrifice, and just about every other depraved thing one can imagine can be traced to religion at some point or another— indeed, the pages of history are filled with bloodshed instigated by religion. Thomas H. Huxley, a 19th-century British scientist, who helped to popularize the Darwinian theory of evolution and coined the term, "agnostic” (which means, “unknowable”), hit the nail on the head when he wrote: "If we could only see, in one view, the torrents of hypocrisy and cruelty, the lies, the slaughter, the violations of every obligation of humanity, which have flowed from [religion] along the course of the history of Christian nations, our worst imaginations of Hell would pale beside the vision."

Given religion‟s reprehensibility in its control over humans, it is no wonder that so many have questioned God‟s existence.

5 Codependence is defined as: "… A person who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior." —Codependent No More by Melody Beattie (Hazelden, 1987, 1992). This is an excellent book well worth reading.

- 16 - For those who consider the Bible as God's law for further enlightenment and guidelines on everyday matters, they would do well to follow its advice, "Do not go beyond what is written." 6 And here is where it gets fuzzy, because so much of the Bible is left to interpretation. Indeed, because of interpretation, it is easy to go beyond what is written at times. We can see the danger in this. When a religion goes beyond what is written, it then exerts a heavy burden on its followers. If God does not micro-manage our lives, then religion should not either. This lesson highlights religion's primary function: to help people grow spiritually, but never at the ex- pense of going beyond what is written. Government too has tried to exert total control and domination over people. In the 20th century alone, there have been many dictators, all wielding their own brand of control. Much of the time, these totalitarian governments have been oppressive and unresponsive to the needs of the people. Africa is a prime example. It seems like change is the only constant when it comes to the coups that regularly occur there. But government also has certain rights and moral responsibilities to maintain law and order. Conversely, citizens also have a moral responsibility to government and to their fellow human to observe and uphold the laws of the land. Sometimes, these mutual moral responsibilities can break down, and opposing control issues can violently explode. For example, some governments on earth suppress human rights. This leads many to oppose and protest against a particular government to make their point, or much worse, carry out terrorist acts against it. What we have in this instance is a dichotomy of control issues, each side insisting on control.

Granted, sometimes the issues are legitimate, such as when human rights are involved, but this can quickly become a very thin and precarious line to walk. The reason is that eventually, control issues evolve into power issues, which can then grow into absolute power issues. We have all heard it said, "power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely" and herein lays the danger.

Protestors and terrorists can quickly be swept down to the same level of human rights abuses that they ac- cuse the other of—in essence, the victims become the tormenters. And what is at the heart of the issue? Control!

The mixture of religion and government further exacerbates the problem of control. Many feel strongly that there should be a separation of “church and state.” But as long as religion and politics remain dominant parts of the human belief system, there can be no separation. In fact, from a control point of view, government and religion are in reality the same thing. This is because both attempt to control people each in their own way. Trying to separate religion and government would be like trying to separate a person from themselves—it simply cannot be done with our widespread culture and belief systems.

If we stay within the guidelines evident in our own makeup, then we begin to see that certain authorities have some rights of control. After all, we must conclude that since creation is the epitome of order and organization, we must live in an orderly and organized fashion—there must be some consent to rules that allow us to function as a society. And while it is true that people need parameters and guidelines, it is also true that people don‟t need to be told how to run each mundane area of their lives. As long as God‟s law or the law of the land does not specifically prohibit it, then on what authority does anyone else make rules?

Individually. Our society has a label to describe folks who insist on making others do things their way— “control freaks.” What arrogance it takes for a person to insist on others doing something a certain way when the only good reason is personal preference. They may feel that “everyone is entitled to my opinion.” And in so doing, they may put others down and make them feel bad. Never forget this: Nobody has the right to make others feel bad about themselves, and no one should ever allow others to make them feel bad about themselves either. There are many ways to accomplish the same task. Ours is not necessarily the only way or even the best way.

Here is a bizarre question: Is the earth flat? Believe it or not, some still cling to the idea that the earth is flat (it's true—have you ever heard of the Flat Earth Society?). It is truly amazing that in this age of technology, there would still be some that refuse to look at the overwhelming evidence proving a spherical earth. Proof is as simple as the rising and setting of the sun. I could go into further abundant proof, but do I really need to? For some people, it would seem so, and here is why:

6 1 Corinthians 4:6 (NIV)

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Some hold on to a Flat Earth Mentality by clinging to and insisting on their own way of doing things, and not growing personally to embrace new thinking. If you fit this type of mentality, then ask yourself the "Why?" question. Do you hold on to a Flat Earth Mentality by refusing to see things any differently than you did five, ten or 20 years ago? Do you have a death grip on long-held beliefs and ideas that may or may not be based in fact? If so, you need to broaden your thinking to escape the bounds of a restrictive Flat Earth Mentality. Granted, it is not comfortable or easy to abandon long-held beliefs and ideologies, but it is absolutely vital in showing proper respect for free will. As long as we endeavor to control others, or refuse to let go of outdated thinking, it is the same, in principle, as believing in a flat earth. If this describes you, then come back to the 21st century! It is no fun for you to keep living in the dark ages! And it's no fun for others around you either. Occasionally, we find ourselves in a situation where we are called upon to give our opinion on a matter. Why not offer it without all of the control issues attached? We need to not take ourselves too seriously. Here is a principle that will allow us to view control issues in the proper light:

If it is a matter of preference, yield. If it is a matter of principle, stand firm. 7

The fact is that no one has the right to control others, the only exception being within the reasonable parameters set by the law of the land. In a healthy way, we should adopt the maxim, “Live and Let Live,” and not be overly concerned with controlling others. When as a child I would get overly concerned with something my brother was doing that I thought was wrong, my dad would tell me that I needed to be concerned with Doug, not with my brother. He also added that watching Doug was a 24-hour a day job and that I should give it my attention before trying to change others. He was right. In fact, watching myself is not only a 24-hour a day job, it is also a life-long job—it never ends. Another area of control involves the concept of "submissiveness." This concept is prevalent among fundamentalist religions, and comes from an over-zealous and rigid interpretation of certain Biblical scriptures, and inappropriately mixed with control issues. Granted, there are times when we must be submissive, such as submitting to the laws of the land, or to God. But the kind of submissiveness I am here speaking of is the idea that a woman should be completely submissive to her husband, and in some cases, vice-versa. I contend that this is incorrect and inaccurate thinking. Here is why: The dictionary assigns the root word of submissiveness this connotation: "Submit suggests full surrender- ing after resistance or conflict to the will or control of another." This indicates that a person "submits" only after resistance and unwillingly succumbs to the control of another. The implication here is that one person insists on their own way without regard to the feelings of the others. The laws of Love, Mercy, and Free Will completely invalidate the concept of submissiveness. A much healthier and accurate concept is "deference." The dictionary assigns the following connotation to the word "defer": "Defer implies a voluntary yielding or submitting out of respect or reverence for, or deference and affection toward another." In a healthy and mature adult relationship, two people show respect for the humanity and freewill of the other. When discussing a matter, they calmly endeavor to reach a mutual agreement, again, respecting each others' human-right of free will. Especially in matters of preference, one will yield, or defer, to the other who may have strong feelings on a particular subject. If a matter is one of principle, then mature adults will rationally and reasonably explore the matter, endeavoring to use insight and good judgment. They realize that the goal is to reach a decision that is in the best interests of all concerned. This requires that both show honor to the other and resist any efforts to control. By using this method, the best course of action will usually become apparent. It is very possible that one person has had the right perspective all along, and once apparent, the other will defer (not submit ) to the better judgment of the first. This is healthy give and take at its finest! In the context of religion, many men use the concept of submissiveness to "keep their wives in line." This is nothing short of a dysfunctional means of control. Any man or woman who demands submissiveness from another adult who is his or her equal, is categorically out of line—they need to confront and slay their own

7 I came to this conclusion several years ago because of life experiences. I subsequently discovered that Thomas Jefferson also made a similar statement.

- 18 - control demons. When one person insists on controlling another, no good comes of it. Resentment builds, and over time, eats away at the foundation of the relationship like an insidious onslaught of termites on a building. Many times, the relationship is utterly destroyed—marriages fail; friendships end. The controlling person ex- hibits a profound lack of love and respect for the other. If you are under the misguided impression that you must reign as Lord and King over another person— Wake up! Submissiveness has no place in a healthy and mature adult relationship. Submissiveness may have its place in certain instances, such as parent-child relationships, to the laws of the land, or in employer/employee relationships, but not between a husband and wife, or two otherwise equal adults. The interesting thing about this topic is that if you are insistent on submissiveness (that is, being a "control freak"), this discussion probably makes you angry and resistive. But this is exactly the reason why you should be concerned. We humans often become defensive by trying to justify an opinion we hold that has no basis in reason. If this is your attitude, then I am not asking you to "submit" here. I ask that you "defer" to a higher knowledge and comprehension of the matter. Enhance your life and that of your spouse or friend by not trying to control them! Submissiveness is dysfunctional! If we human beings would simply take the time to learn the lessons of free will and tolerance, just think how much sorrow and pain we would prevent. If we could just stop for a minute—take a time out—and cease taking ourselves and our opinions so seriously, the whole world would benefit, but mostly us! Does this sound Utopian? Of course! But this is exactly what we so desperately need—for everyone to show tolerance and respect for another's human-right of free will. Only when we learn to respect another's right to choose freely— and without all the judgmentalism attached—can we begin to develop to the next level of human existence.

Acceptance Means Release Means Bliss So many times, we allow another person‟s behavior to cause us pain or hardship. It can be very difficult when a mate, a child or even a parent behaves in a way that might conflict with us culturally, philosophically or otherwise. We need to remember that just like us, they have a human-right to do with their life as they please. It is their choice, not ours, and like us, they will have to face the consequences (or benefits) of their choices. We must come to terms with this undeniable fact: We can do nothing about their choices, nor would we want to. How would we feel if someone tried to run our life according to his or her possibly misguided tastes or beliefs? We simply would not have it. Therefore, we must allow others, no matter who they are, to make their own choices, no matter what they are. Furthermore, we have no right to be judgmental toward others regardless of the choices they make. Respect for free will cancels out the need to control others. 20th century Catholic monk and writer Thomas Merton, in his book, “No Man Is an Island,” 8 wrote, “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” How true! Instead of wanting others to be like us, we must take delight in their differences; in a reasonable way, love them for who they are regardless of what they believe. In doing this, we show honor and regard for their human and inalienable rights. When we finally come to terms with letting go of our desire to control others, we gain a release from the tension, the anxiety and the frustration that must necessarily come with trying to control; we enjoy sweet peace and serenity. Letting go of intolerance may be very difficult, especially when we have deeply ingrained beliefs. It requires constant effort. But it helps to remember that another individual has just as much human-right to be him or herself as we do.

When We Encounter Resistance to Our Free Will What about, though, when we want to follow a particular path or belief that we feel is right and proper only to run into resistance from loved ones and friends? Sometimes this resistance occurs when we choose a different life course than we have followed previously, and family or friends object. Now comes decision time. We need to decide if the particular path we want to follow is important enough to adhere to even at the risk of straining or losing relationships. This in itself causes us much pain, and may take some time to resolve.

8 Harcourt Brace, 1978

- 19 - To bring it into perspective, answer this question: “If you were kidnapped and held hostage, would you seize any and all opportunities to escape?” The answer is no-doubt, “Absolutely!” Well, isn‟t that exactly what another person is trying to do when they endeavor to control you by refusing to respect your human-right to decide, or much worse, hold something over your head, such as your relationship? This may seem a harsh analogy, but it is accurate. In doing this, they are actually trying to hold you hostage by projecting their beliefs and values on you. Shakespeare said it best, “To thine own self, be true.” If we cannot be true to ourselves in matters of deep and profound belief, then who are we? What can be said of our strength of character, honesty and conviction? If we have profound beliefs, then we owe it to ourselves to be true to those beliefs. Otherwise, let them go. The possibility or probability of sacrificing relationships with loved ones and long-time friends for our beliefs and values can be overwhelming indeed. I had to cope with this very situation. For 25 years, I was a member of a fundamentalist religion that insisted on conformity, with excommunication as the penalty for non-conformance. Furthermore, all of my relatives and close friends were also members, and would be required to shun me. To put aside all of those relationships in favor of exercising my free will and retaining my human-right to follow my own path was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Nevertheless, I had to do it, for, just like them, I would not sacrifice my values and right to free will for anyone. How could I be true to myself if I did? You see, the time comes when we must make a decision. It is ours to make. And by all means we try to reach those whom we love to let them know that it is not them personally that we don‟t favor—only their in- sistence on putting their belief system on us. To be fair, all we ask is the ability to choose to live as we believe, because we have learned to respect them and their right to choose and believe as they wish. Taking a different course can also bring criticism from others, as it did in my case. I love the comment made by Abraham Lincoln to those who criticized him. He wrote:

"If I were to try to read, much less to answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business. I do the very best I know how—the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me won't matter. If the end brings me out wrong, then ten thousand angels swearing I was right would make no difference."

So, don't let criticism hold you back from doing what you must. If you are correct and right in what you stand for, then let time explain you. • Free will is undoubtedly the most beautiful gift we possess—everything else is built around it. Without it, it would be impossible to get the most from life, nor could we learn from our mistakes and mold our lives accordingly. Therefore, if we give more attention to refining ourselves before worrying about what others are doing or how they are doing it, we would spare both parties much grief. Rather than trying to control others, let us honor and respect each others' right of free will and freedom of choice—regardless of the alleged consequences.

- 20 - MAXIMS ON FREE WILL

• "For peace of mind, we need to resign as General Manager of the universe." —Larry Eisenberg

• Serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change; The courage to change the things that I can; And the wisdom to know the difference. But God, grant me the strength to not give up on what I think is right even if I think it‟s hopeless.” —Adapted from a quote by theologian Reinhold Neibuhr and used by AA/Al-Anon

• "The only freedom which deserves the name is that of pursuing our own good, in our own way, so long as we do not attempt to deprive others of theirs, or impede their efforts to obtain it." —John Stuart Mill

• "If the world knew how to use freedom without abusing it, tyranny would not exist." —Tehyi Hsieh

• "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." —Abraham Lincoln

• "For every evil under the sun, there is a remedy or there is none. If there is one, seek till you find it; if there be none, never mind it." —Author Unknown

• "The function of freedom is to free somebody else." —Toni Morrison

• "Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other." —Carl Jung

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BUILDING CHARACTER THROUGH ADVERSITY

"Man is even ready to suffer, on the condition, to be sure, that his suffering has a meaning." —Viktor Frankl

CAN you pass the "Living in the Real World" quiz? Here it is, give it a try:

1) Do you feel that it is easy to make a living, handle finances and get along with every one you know all the time?

2) Do you think that it's easy to raise children from infancy up through their teenage years, and handle their problems with wisdom and maturity so as to ensure that they turn out to be well-adjusted adults?

3) Do you have everything you need, want or otherwise desire in life?

4) Are you one of those "lucky" people who never have any problems or the blues; and never get down and out, discouraged, disappointed or depressed?

If you cannot answer yes to even one question above, then Congratulations! You are now qualified to live in the real world! Welcome! Now that you are living in the real world, You are entitled to some "benefits." For example, you are entitled to day to day disappointments and failings, and unforeseen happenings that can make life quite trying. But you are also entitled to the upside benefits of adversity, such as the opportunity to allow life trials to make you strong and build character as well as the opportunity to deliver greatness to others and the world around you. That's really what life in the real world is all about. Adversity is as common to us humans as the air we all breathe. No one is left without tasting the bitters- weet tang of adversity. But we can gain valuable experience from adversity which can be utilized for success in many different aspects of life. The adversity we all must face has varying degrees of severity. For some, adversity consists of battling a life threatening illness, or the loss of a bodily function. Many have successfully faced such odds, which serve as inspiring examples to us all. But what about the rest of us who have never faced adversity on a physical level? Not everyone has faced physical adversity, but everyone has faced the kind of adversity that comes with living in an imperfect world. Stress is prevalent; people and relationship problems abound; economic troubles persist for the vast majority of the world. Whether physical or otherwise, how can we face the adversity that comes our way and gain the most benefits possible? Managing Our Adversity When life throws us a curve, two aspects are critically important. First:

1) How We Deal With the Situation. It has been well stated that “it doesn‟t matter what happens to us that counts, but how we react to what happens to us that matters.” Somehow, we must find and develop the inner strength to handle life‟s daily challenges in a positive manner. Paradoxically, this inner strength comes from

- 22 - adversity. As with everything else in life, we have a choice. We can choose to benefit by the challenges life brings, or we can cave in to them. It is our choice. No one will make that decision for us—not even God Him- self. Theodore Roosevelt bestowed great dignity on our human suffering when he said:

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

We may find a certain comfort in knowing that when we endure hardship, we take our proper place among the great ones who really know what it is like to have and have not; to achieve and fail; to “know victory and defeat.” In the same line of thought, Nelson Aldrich, a contemporary of Roosevelt who was also a poli- tician in addition to being a businessman wrote, “They fail, and they alone, who have not striven.” Interesting- ly, Aldrich clashed with Roosevelt on a number of political issues, but both men were in total agreement when it came to success and failure.

The second critical aspect is:

2) What We Learn From the Difficulty. In his book, As A Man Thinketh, John Allen makes a very interesting observation. He very insightfully states, “man is where he is that he may learn that he may grow; and as he learns the spiritual lesson which any circumstance contains for him, it passes away and gives place to other circumstances.” How true! Consider: A person may be fighting substance abuse or some other challenge, self- induced or not. But when he or she learns the lesson contained in the challenge, the challenge simply moves on, making the way for yet another (and hopefully less difficult) challenge. Or, a person may be close to a person who is chemically dependent and may find it difficult or impossible to continue with him or her. When the codependent person learns how to be “undependent” (opposite of "codependent") and stops enabling, the adversity passes and gives way to other life lessons. Indeed, this is a beautiful Game Rule of life. But if we do not learn from our trials in life, then of what value are they? It is like investing years of effort and hardship to build a beautiful mansion, and then abandoning it, never to enjoy its magnificence and security. Why would we ever do that? Remember that we each have the human-right of free will. But we must exercise that free will and choose to benefit from our lessons in life; we must learn more about who we are from them. John Allen also wrote, “Circumstance does not make the man: it reveals him to himself.” Adversity is not so much about contending with trouble as it is learning more about what is hidden inside of us. Adversity can bring out the best and the worst in us, our “true colors.” Many wonder why God does not help us out more with our struggles. Consider the story of the man and the butterfly.

There once was a man who happened upon a cocoon. He carefully took it to a safe place and then waited with eager anticipation to observe the emergence of the butterfly. After some time had passed, the day finally came for the butterfly to come out. As he watched, it began to wiggle and struggle. He waited; first one hour, then two. After three hours, the man felt sorry for the butterfly in its struggle so much that he decided to help it out. He took a pair of scissors and ever so carefully cut the cocoon open, and out came the butterfly. But to the man‟s surprised bewilderment, the butterfly never flew. The reason it never flew was because it needed to build up tiny muscles in its wings, and the only way to do this was through the physical adversity of working its way out of the cocoon.

In the story, did the man really do the butterfly any favors by helping it out of its necessary adversity? Al- though he felt compassion for the butterfly, the man unwittingly destined the butterfly to failure and death. In many ways, we are like that butterfly. We may have allowed a cocoon to develop around us—indeed, it may

- 23 - have been developing around us for many years. Would not God be condemning us to a similar fate as the compassionate man did to the butterfly if He helped us out of our cocoon prematurely? We need the metamor- phoses that dealing with life's problems puts us through, because it makes us far more beautiful. Sometimes, we find it necessary to allow our children to face things in life that will make them strong, or that will help them to learn valuable lessons. This is what we call, "tough love." Why then, would be want God to shield us from that which makes us strong and gives us an opportunity to expand our awareness?

When Our Problems Consume Us One of the hardest things to do is to get beyond our troubles mentally or emotionally. Even with the acceptance that we cannot control others, we can become totally consumed with our problems. It eats away at us like a cancer from the inside. We become helpless and confused. We become emotionally immobile, which is almost like an addiction in and of itself. My mother once told me that enduring fierce problems was like holding up a wall against a strong wind. When the wind stops blowing, you topple over with it. Our problems can "topple" us over if we are not careful. I personally experienced this phenomenon a few years ago. I was ineffective, lost, disillusioned and confused. I would go to my office, sit in my chair and stare at the walls, being totally unable to make myself do what I needed to do. Even though I was in sore financial straits and desperately needed to earn a living—it didn‟t matter—I could do nothing, for I was consumed with the alcoholic behavior of a person close to me who was hell-bent on ruining my life, or at the very least, trying to make it miserable—and it was working. Day after day, I would sit there and find every excuse in the world to avoid doing what I needed to do. I had lost my power. I was going nowhere at sonic speed. I was suffering from a kind of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome and had shut down emotionally. The situation was further exacerbated by the fact that I was in sales, but didn't have the emotional strength to be motivated and positive. The winds of adversity had toppled me over. Being consumed with our problems results from intense adversity and is a form of self-pity. However, by saying "self-pity," I do not want to minimize the impact or the seriousness of a situation that causes us emotional immobility. One time a person told me that I needed to not “wallow in self-pity.” Frankly, I was greatly disturbed, even offended. “Me? wallowing in self-pity? Never!” I said to myself. Then I began to be honest and wondered, “Could it be true? Could I actually be wallowing in self-pity?” No matter how much I resented it or denied it, it was true—even though I was not consumed with self-pity, it was playing a big role in my inability to function. Another ingredient that contributes to emotional immobility is playing the role of the victim. Granted, it is not easy to be victimized in some way, whether from an abusive person or an alcoholic, but at some point, we must resolve to give up the role of the victim. When we play the victim, our power completely drains out of us like water down a sink. We end up whining to everybody that we come in contact with, which just makes our problems even more firmly entrenched in our own minds. In order to play the victim, we must dwell on past injustices, which really means that we are living in the past. Playing the victim also requires a large amount of self-pity. There is something about self-pity and the victim role that makes us want to shout to the world, "Hey! Look at all of the terrible and unjust suffering I have been through! Poor, poor me for having to endure this torture!" And while we may think it makes us feel better to "talk" (whine) to others about our adversity, they are thinking, "Join the club! We all have undeserved adversity. But some of us just push ahead and get beyond it." One trait of a superior person is not complaining about his or her trials. Alfred Armand Montapert, in his book The Supreme Philosophy Of Man, 9 wrote:

"HE IS A VALIANT MAN INDEED WHO CAN SUFFER WITHOUT TOO MUCH COMPLAIN- ING; who can be patient when misunderstood, who, when maligned, slandered and falsely accused can keep his heart free from resentment and to bring him whatever vindication he needs. THERE IS NO EXPLANATION QUITE SO EFFECTIVE AS SILENCE. Explanations rarely explain. Those who

9 Prentice-Hall, 1970, 1977

- 24 - demand explanations usually have their opinions formulated before you begin to explain. IF YOU ARE RIGHT YOUR LIFE WILL DO ITS OWN EXPLAINING. IF YOU ARE WRONG YOU CAN'T EX- PLAIN. So, go calmly on your way and forget everything but the business of right living—and let time explain you." [Emphasis his]

How can we beat this self-destructive behavior of being consumed with our troubles and therefore becoming emotionally immobilized? Unfortunately, there is no quick remedy. But I found several techniques that helped. 1) A first step was simply recognizing the fact that I was consumed with problems that I could not control. But not just recognizing the fact, but recognizing it for what it was worth—nothing! You see, Our problems have no life of their own. The only life they have is the life that we give to them! Thomas A‟Kempis, a 13th century monk, made an interesting observation. Adjusted for Modern English, he wrote, “What hurt could it do you if you would just let it pass and make no account of it? Could it even so much as pluck one hair from your head?” That‟s a good question. Are our troubles so bad that they could yank even one hair from our head? Likely not. Rare it is that our troubles are so bad that we will be injured or die from them. We probably won‟t be tor- tured, imprisoned or burned at the stake for them either. It becomes clear then, that we really need to bring our troubles into perspective. After all, how bad can it be? Do our problems really matter that much in the Grand Scheme of things? When we are consumed with our own troubles, consciously or not, we believe that our problems are somehow the most important in the universe. The truth is that they are not. Even though our problems may be the most important ones to us, the fact remains that no matter how we slice it, there will always be somebody with worse problems than ours.

2) A second step is to quit living in the past. What is done is done, and neither you nor I can do anything to change even one second of the past, let alone past events. Our experiences are who we are—they have made us. Everyone has painful experiences. That is a large part of what shapes us. We need our painful experiences and adversity to be who we are, otherwise we would be someone different, and perhaps not as good. There- fore, we must live today, but look to the future and not dwell on the past. As we go through this process, we may become angry and frustrated that we have allowed ourselves to be consumed with things over which we have no control. But that is a good sign and one that tells us that we are making good progress. If we do experience anger or frustration, then channel those emotions into something useful, like moving in a direction away from the consuming behavior.

3) A third step is to make the effort to be less consumed. This is something we have to work at each day, even each hour if necessary. When we catch ourselves becoming mentally and emotionally consumed with our problems, we need to make a firm decision to change our thoughts. As we do this, we gradually become less and less consumed and more productive. Something I put together and found enormously useful was a Focus List or File (see box on next page for an example). A Focus List is a collection of solid rationales, reasons, quotes, affirmations and stories of why we should or should not do something or behave a certain way. It is critical for our Focus List to have real meaning to us. For example, my list contained things I had read or come across that made real sense to me, and therefore moved me within. This is where the Focus List gets its power. In fact, your list will only be as powerful as the meaning you put into it. It has to be stirring for you, not anyone else. It must contain truths that made you say, “Aha!” when you read them. By consciously focusing our mind on specific things, we begin to have better control over our thoughts. The best way to use your Focus List is to start the day in a quiet room with no one around. Then read from your list aloud and focus on two things: the reasons why you should not be consumed with your troubles, and the reasons why you should be consumed with something productive, like a career perhaps. Then stop, if necessary, during the day and review your list again just to stay focused. It is critical that you do not slack off in reviewing your Focus List often and regularly. I did, and I found myself right back where I started. You must keep it in the forefront of your mind so you don't relapse. But even if you do, that's okay, just start again. And with each successive attempt, you will stick with it longer.

- 25 -

SAMPLE FOCUS LIST (Your list should be more comprehensive)

• My time is too precious to waste living in the past or the future; or worrying about something over which I have no power. I am building a wonderful life for myself today. —Al-Anon

• RIGHT NOW, TODAY, I will lighten my burden by dropping that part of it which does not belong to me. Today I will look more closely at my thoughts and impulses, and take only such action as is required of me. —Al-Anon

What I Expect of Me

• I will enjoy this day unencumbered.

• I will not be absorbed in things which I cannot control.

• I will cease borrowing perceived trouble from the future to deal with today. Today will have it's own challenges, and if it doesn't, then I will count the good fortune.

• I will not burden myself with troubles which are not mine. I cannot fix all the woes of the world.

• I will not burden myself with expectations which are too high and unreasonable for where I am in this stage of my life.

• I will establish my own path that feels comfortable to me and not buy into another person's choices and beliefs if they do not fit my own.

4) Lastly, the passing of time may be the best cure of all. It probably will take some time before we start to feel more like normal. But even with all the techniques we might use to reclaim our power, it seems that it will only happen when we once and for all get tired of living that way, and this will come in time. It is up to us. Sometimes we relish our misery; we love our pain. But we need to break off the relationship we have built with our pain before it kills us too.

When We Cannot Help Ourselves Occasionally, we face more difficult trials that may be beyond a cure. Perhaps an impossible situation has arisen with which we cannot change or even cope. What can we do? First, we need to determine if we have truly exhausted all possibilities and solutions. Many times, the solutions are there, we just can‟t see them. We need to look at the situation from all angles, perhaps with a fresh perspective. Brainstorming with a trusted companion may yield some answers and a direction that may have escaped us. Unfortunately, beyond doing all we can to help ourselves and seeking help from others, we may have little choice other than accept our circumstances. And with acceptance, comes power. The first step in Alcoholics Anonymous/Al-Anon states: “We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.” This principle applies to all situations in life. In honest and total acceptance of the fact that we no longer have control over a particular situation, person, or circumstance, we acquire awesome power. We receive calm and poise. We begin to feel as if we may just be able to make it after all. We begin to see that essentially, we alone control our circumstances. If we cannot control a particular circumstance, then the time has come to change that circumstance to one that we can control. If we apply the techniques in the last sub-heading, we take a huge step forward in overcoming our difficulties. And if we foster the right mental attitude, then we can learn the great lessons life harbors just for us.

Adversity Builds Character When I was a young man, about 13 or 14 years of age as I recall, my father took me aside and showed me a piece of paper. On the paper was "A Father's Prayer," written by the late General Douglas MacArthur. My dad asked me to read it, and then went over several lines that were important to him—words that he wanted to embed in my being. Here is that prayer:

- 26 -

"Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid;

"One who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, but humble and gentle in victory;

"Build me a son whose wishes will not replace his actions; a son who will know thee; and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge;

"Send him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge; here let him learn to stand up in the storm, here let him learn compassion for those who fail;

"Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master others; one who will learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past, and after all these things are his, this I pray, enough sense of humor that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously;

"Give him humility so that he may always remember the simplicity of True Greatness, the open mind of True Wisdom, the meekness of True Strength; then I, his father, will dare to whisper, 'I have not lived in vain.'"

My dad was most interested in the part about “not sending him into the path of ease and comfort… but… let him learn to stand up in the storm… let him learn compassion for those who fail.” Now I know why he was so interested in that part My dad was trying to build character in me, as well as prepare me for life, due to some adversity our family had been facing for a number of years. He did not realize the lasting effect MacArthur‟s words would have on me. They instilled in me an aspiration to a higher standard; an ambition to a higher ideal. Inside, something changed in me that day, something that told me I could make a difference, but I did not recognize it until I was well into my thirties. Many times, I have reflected back on those words of encouragement, and have been sustained when I was deeply distressed. Dad also told me that he hated to see me go through difficult problems, but he wouldn't change it for the world, because of the character building benefits of adversity. I now feel the same way—I would not trade my life's most difficult problems for any amount of money! (nor would I give a nickel to relive any of them!) Adversity is powerful, and can build great character in us. Adversity teaches us higher human virtues, such as empathy and compassion for others. Adversity also teaches us endurance. It gives us the necessary coping skills to face future trials that may be even more severe. Incidentally, if our life is relatively problem-free, we need not go in search of adversity simply to build character. What is vitally important is our disposition—who we are inside and how we view life. If we meditate deeply about the severe trials others are facing, we can benefit from their adversity. By putting ourselves in their place, we can develop empathy and compassion for what they contend with; and ponder how we would react given the same circumstances. The worst thing that we can do is ignore the plight of others. We must sincerely feel for others in their trials, and express this compassionate feeling to them when appropriate. In this way, both parties benefit tre- mendously.

Finding Meaning in Our Suffering In trying to overcome adversity, many have labored over such age-old dilemmas as, "Why do good people suffer and die?" Though there have been many attempts to come up with a reasonable and satisfying conclusion, so far, none has presented itself.

- 27 - Perhaps a more reasonable question would be, "Can there be any meaning in our suffering?" In our quest to make our lives more meaningful, we must also come to understand that adversity can have deep meaning, and steer us in the right direction. But we must learn how to manage ourselves under the burden of adversity in order to gain the most good and meaning from it. Viktor Frankl, in his book Man's Search for Meaning, noted: "That is why man is even ready to suffer, on the condition, to be sure, that his suffering has a meaning." We have discussed many of the qualities that bring meaning to our suffering. Whenever we see a person that we consider to be very kind and loving, it is a sure bet that they have seen intense adversity in their lives at one point or another. The beautiful thing is that this person undoubtedly made the choice to benefit from the adversity, and not allow it to make him or her callous to another's suffering. It is true that sometimes we just cannot change what happens to us, or change the circumstances we have to endure. However, I believe that numerous times we may think that our circumstances are beyond our control, but could change them if we really wanted to. Truthfully, we may simply associate too much pain with changing our circumstances and fool ourselves into thinking that we‟re stuck, and so do nothing. Sometimes the pain of staying the same is less than the pain of change. It doesn’t have to be that way! We don‟t necessarily have to accept all the circumstances we endure. Ongoing problems feed an attitude of futility. Remove the problem, and remove futility. Let‟s not be our own worst enemy. Never do we want to be a martyr for no reason. If we are going down, then let it be for some profound and noble purpose. Other- wise, don’t go down! There is simply no reason for it. Don’t be a martyr for no good reason! Most of the time, we can change our situation and our life for the better—it may just take time, effort and courage. Many people, such as Viktor Frankl himself, have endured some of the most heinous adversities that can be visited upon a human—they survived Nazi concentration camps. The reason that they were able to do so was because they had strong belief in themselves and/or God, and therefore found intense meaning in their suffering. We too can find intense meaning in the lessons of life that come our way in the form of adversity. Will we learn from them? Or will we simply not give it a second thought? Remember, we must learn the lesson contained in any adversity, then it will pass, making way for new lessons. But if we never learn the lesson, it is likely that we will have to face the same adversity over and over again throughout our lives. Remember the wise maxim, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." If we don't change our own behavior, then we cannot expect our circumstances to change. Why not choose to learn life's lessons and make forward advancement? If we do this and learn all that life has to teach us, then we truly will arrive at a place that few reach—the greatest heights of human virtue. We become the epitome of inner strength and beauty. And, as Roosevelt stated above, our "place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

- 28 - MAXIMS ON ADVERSITY

• "Perseverance always wins. Who is more persistent, you? Or the problem?" —Author

• "Our thoughts determine our responses to life. We are not victims of the world. To the extent that we control our thoughts, we control the world." —Author Unknown

• "It is not length of life, but depth of life." —Ralph Waldo Emerson

• "He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how." —Friedrich Nietzsche

• "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." —Soren Kierkegaard

• "One ship drives east and another drives west with the selfsame winds that blow. 'Tis the set of sails and not the gales which tells us the way to go." —Ella Wheeler Wilcox

• "The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging."—Author Unknown

• "Out of the lowest depth there is a path to the loftiest height." —Ralph Waldo Emerson

• "Never allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragements that must inevita- bly come." —James Whitcomb Riley

- 29 -

GET RID OF GUILT AND SHAME!

What I Do Is Not Necessarily Who I Am

OH, how we love to languish in our guilt and shame. For some, it is almost as essential as food and water. But guilt is perhaps one of the most destructive, debilitating emotions we humans possess. It is absolutely useless to anguish over something which has been done that we cannot change. If there is any good to guilt at all, it is and should be short-lived. For instance, when we do something wrong, our conscience rebukes us. This initial stage is the only beneficial aspect to guilt, since it prompts us to realize our mistake and make the necessary changes. Healthy people use self-chastisement to steer themselves back on course. They learn the lesson, make amends, modify their behavior, lose the guilt, and move on with life. The problem is that few people can actually do this. It seems that just about everyone feels the pain of guilt over something they have done, or should have done. And where does it get them? Absolutely nowhere. Correction. There is something that comes from unresolved guilt: alcoholism, drug abuse and other types of self-destructive behavior; depression, unfulfilled lives, unattained potential, relationship problems, physical ailments including unexplained bodily pains, and a host of other life destroying problems. Did you notice anything good here?

Guilt, Shame and Self-Worth There is a direct relationship between guilt, shame and self-worth. It is widely known that guilt is when we feel bad about something we did, while shame is when we feel bad about ourselves. Either way, when we carry a burden of guilt or shame, we invariably have low self-esteem. This sense of low or no self-worth leads to many self-imposed problems including the previously cited physical and social illnesses. And this opens a plethora of self-destructive emotions. In essence, we turn on ourselves like a ravaging disease. At some point in our lives, each one of us has no doubt observed this notable and undeniable truth: nobody ever seems to feel good enough about themselves. We are too fat, too thin; we don‟t like our nose, our chin, our hair, our behind; and so the shame list goes on and on without end. We incessantly torment ourselves over whatever it is that we don‟t like. Further, we associate whatever it is that we don't like with our self-worth. In our minds, as long as this "something" exists, we are somehow just not good enough—we carry a more damaging form of guilt called shame, and the effects are the same—self-destructive. When will we begin to appreciate our own uniqueness? Whenever we compare ourselves physically with others in an unfavorable way, we cheat ourselves out of our own individuality. The media would have us believe that we must be in style with the latest fad. But is it really written somewhere that we must all look alike? or dress alike? or act alike? Very likely, the only place it is written is in our minds. Rather than put ourselves down continually, we must work hard to concentrate on our positives, focusing on that which makes us unique and likable. We all have things that we would change if we could. Even people

- 30 - who we think have it all, don't. Nobody has it all because no one is perfect. We all realize this and yet continue to criticize and insult ourselves. Now is the time to stop this nonsense! Change what you can change and accept the rest as a necessary part of your own unique humanity. Make peace with who you are.

“If Only…” The "If Only's" can be unsettling: "If only I had raised the children better; if only I had taken a different route home; if only I had told him or her how I really felt; if only I had seen it coming; if only I had made a different choice…" We can "if only" ourselves to death. Maybe some of us are not as prone to the if only’s as others, but we all suffer occasionally from this mental aberration to one extent or another. The if only's are yet another form of guilt, and carry serious risks to our mental health. They can also lead to shame if we begin to feel bad about ourselves instead of something we did. We never live up to our true potential because we perpetually denigrate ourselves right down to the foundation of our very soul. So, how do we neutralize the if only’s? One way is by adopting the philosophy that as a rule, all of us are trying to do our best, with the knowledge, experience and resources that we possess at the moment. We all wish we could somehow make today‟s decisions with tomorrow‟s knowledge and experience, but life just doesn‟t work that way. We know this, and yet we cling to this self-sabotaging behavior. Let‟s be reasonable and realistic—we can only do so much. In all fairness, it may be said that the concept of "If Only" can be used positively. If we use it to avoid certain known pitfalls down the road, it can be indispensable. For example, my father has "If Only…" displayed on the dashboard of his car. He uses it to remind himself to fasten his seatbelt. He never wants to say in the future, “If only I had put my seatbelt on, I or a passenger would not have been hurt.”

Guilt Over Childhood Mistakes, Trials and Abuse Childhood guilt can cause much deep-seated pain to a person. I have sometimes looked back on certain of my own childhood mistakes, only to cringe over the embarrassment that I feel as an adult. Mistakes we made in childhood should be understood and reckoned with in the same manner as any other mistakes we make. As long as we learned the lesson, we are better for having had the experience than before it. It has added to the total of who we are, and given us cause for empathy toward others. Another common childhood trial is that of divorce. Some children may feel very responsible and therefore, very guilty when their parents divorce. They may carry this guilt into adulthood before they realize that it was not their fault at all. In fact, it had nothing to do with them, and everything to do with their parents. Once this realization occurs, the guilt will usually melt away. Other childhood mistakes can seem very unreasonable or even laughable to adults, but weigh heavily on such impressionable and inexperienced young ones. A very nice acquaintance of mine once wrote a story of how she believed that she had started World War II when she was only eight years old. She wrote:

"The year was l941. I was sitting at my desk daydreaming. The rest of my class was studying the civil war. "Wouldn‟t it be wonderful to live during a war - so romantic." This daydream was to haunt me for many years. Be careful what you wish for, it may come true. "… On [a] particular Sunday, we were driving home from seeing “The Three Little Foxes” when the news came on that Pearl Harbor had just been bombed. The Japanese had attacked by air and sank most of our fleet. We were at war. I felt as if I was the most horrible, deplorable little girl in the world. I had wished for this vulgar thing, and my wish had come true. It was my fault all these men were dead. I stayed miserable for four years. "… On my way home from school it was my habit to pick up the mail for our next door neighbor and us. Our neighbor, Ruby, would always wait on the porch in nice weather to see if I brought a letter from her fiancée who was in the service. One day I pulled an envelope out of the box addressed to Ru- by. It had a black border around it and I knew instinctively what it contained [her fiancée had been killed]. The hardest thing I ever had to do was walk that distance to her house and hand her the envelope. She looked at it and screamed and screamed. Her mother came out of the house and re-

- 31 - trieved the envelope and gently helped Ruby into the house. How I hated myself for ever making that wish! "… My cousin George came home from the South Pacific where he had been a top turret gunner on a B29. He was thin and looked much older…. I confided to him [that] I was the true reason for his agony and how the war was my fault for having made that long-ago wish. God had answered it. [George] put his arm around me and gently explained how the war really started. God hadn‟t given me my wish. The plans for the war were well in place before I made my wish. "… I had a new hero who had finally taken all my self-torture away. Next to my brother, he was my best hero." —"The Wish" by Audrey Gross, February, 2000

From this story, it is easy to see how guilt can plague even children. Parents need to use discernment and help their children to release any guilt so that it doesn't consume their emotional strength. Another more serious form of childhood suffering concerns something that I have fortunately experienced only second hand—child molestation. In addition to several people I have known, a person once very close to me was molested as a child, so my knowledge of this dreadful injustice comes directly from my own agonizing experience in trying to help her.

I am ceaselessly shocked at the prevalence of child sexual abuse. I am not talking here about children being "gender curious" with other children. I am talking about sexual molestation committed by those whom are trusted and looked up to, such as clergymen, scout or youth group leaders, friends and relatives—adults who should know better.

I am also amazed at the profound and devastating effect sexual molestation has on such young and tender hearts. This sort of atrocity is almost unforgivable. Once this act is committed, the little child loses his or her innocence, which is a crime in itself. The child is now forever changed and is totally confused, because an authority figure has crossed intimate personal boundaries that the child was not yet fully aware of. This gross misdeed can never be undone.

Many times, the child will push the ordeal back to the furthest reaches of his or her mind. They effectively cease to remember it consciously, only to have it return years later. His or her precious self-worth is utterly annihilated.

Child sexual abuse is best described as a ticking time bomb. There may be few outward demonstrations of anything wrong to the untrained eye, and this may likely continue into adulthood. But once the person ma- tures enough in life, the bomb explodes and memories come gushing forth like the flood of water that assaults a valley just below a broken dam. It is unstoppable. Nightmares, flashbacks and many tears are the norm. Emotional immobility is intense. Life problems escalate. Some victims are completely unable to function any longer in routine activities. And not to be dismissed or minimized is the brutal impact this can have on family members, close friends, and relationships. They too must learn to cope and heal from the pain. Quite often, sexual abuse results in intensified self-destructive behaviors, such as increased depression and mental instability; suicide is even a possibility. In reality, these new behaviors were likely preceded by other self-destructive behaviors, but again, only recognizable to the trained observer. Such behaviors can include:

· Depression and emotional/mental instability; · Alcoholism and/or drug addiction; · An inordinate interest in sex, manifesting itself as promiscuity and/or obsession with pornography; · Unnatural craving for attention from the same or opposite sex; · An excessive distrust of others, or the extreme opposite; · Reckless lack of concern for their own well-being, or the extreme opposite, e.g. taking themselves too seriously; · Failed marriages and relationships; · Finding little or no meaning and purpose in life; · A deep sense of futility;

- 32 - · Inability to function normally or even not at all; · Little or no sense of self-worth; · Verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse of others; · Being introverted and shy, or the extreme opposite; · Phobias, such as fear of public places and small spaces; · Physical ailments, such as tremors and unexplained bodily pains.

It has been my experience that this ticking time bomb usually blows up when a person enters their early 30's, give or take a few years. This is typically how long it takes before a person burns out from expending the enormous amount of energy required to keep up the self-illusion, that is, the subconscious lie they force themselves to believe—that it never happened.

THE HEALING PROCESS If you are suffering from childhood molestation, Take Heart! Help is not far off! You can take steps to heal your deep wounds. The first thing to do is immediately consult a competent psychiatrist, therapist or counselor, if you haven't already. I advise against the clergy because, while they may provide understanding and comfort, they are simply not equipped with the necessary professional skills to help you. I want to warn here of some possible dangers: confiding in or turning to friends or family as your primary means of recovery; and dealing with repressed memories. You must handle these with discretion for the following reasons:

Friends. Many who have suffered the effects of childhood sexual molestation do not have their lives under control, and consequently may not have chosen the best quality of friends. Confiding in a "friend" can backfire on you, because even though we all like to think that we have a friend who will understand and be there for us, most people cannot handle the intensity and longevity that your healing may take. It can be a tremendous setback in your healing process when a friend backs away because they do not know how to handle your problems—which only adds to your guilt. This is sad, but understandable. You must honestly admit that even you do not know how to handle the situation without professional help, so it is logical that they wouldn't either. Avoid putting them in this position if you are not absolutely sure, and then think twice before proceeding to self-disclose to a friend.

Family. In my own experience of helping a victim cope, I found that confiding in your parents must also be handled with extreme caution. This admonition may strike you as quite absurd, especially if you are close with your parents, but read on. If one or both of your parents were molested themselves, or if they personally knew the person that molested you (which is likely), then they may be whirling and lost in a black hole of denial, and emotionally unable or unwilling to emerge. To believe and accept your story may bring more pain than they are willing to confront at this point in their lives. It may open deep wounds from their past, or remind them of the guilt they may have felt for not protecting you. I am not saying that you shouldn't confide in your parents, but you must use discretion. You do not want to go through the terrible trauma of dealing with past abuse, only to face the added trauma of denial from those closest to you. Without proper professional help, you may feel pushed over the edge.

Repressed Memories. Repressed memories can be vague, ambiguous and distorted. The reason being that the events happened long ago, and are remembered through the eyes of a child. One time several years ago, I was trying to help the person mentioned above deal with her memories of abuse. Over a period of a couple of years, she began to remember and describe a number of misdeeds her abuser had committed against her— even having terrible nightmares of the incidents. We finally decided that she should write a letter and confront her abuser. Since she was emotionally distraught, I began the letter listing the abuses for her. I grew concerned when she began to prevaricate or evade the matter. I finally asked her, "Did these things actually occur or not?" She replied, "Not all, but some." I have to admit that I was shocked. For two years, we had gone through serious emotional distress because she was adamant that these abuses had occurred. But now, I discovered that

- 33 - the most serious offenses were simply empty memories—they were not true at all. Needless to say, we did not finish the letter. This is the danger of repressed memories. You must seek competent professional help to determine whether they are real or imagined (which incidentally, we had not done at the time). What a tragedy it would be if you mistakenly accused a family member of abuse that never really happened.

A final thought: If you are a victim of childhood sexual abuse, remember, it is not your fault! You were a helpless victim, not a perpetrator. Work hard to resolve any feelings of guilt you may still harbor. Seek a knowled- geable and experienced therapist. If you do, there is every reason in the world to believe that you will get past this difficult period in your life!

A NOTE TO THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF ABUSED CHILDREN If you are a parent, sibling, spouse, or friend of a person who was sexually abused, you must understand that very little else compares to the pain and horror that the victim feels. You must also understand that the healing process can take time. The more understanding and support that you give, the better it will go. The worst thing you can do as a parent is to deny that the abuse took place. Even if you have legitimate doubts concerning whether the abuse actually took place or not, that does not change the victim's reality. Only regular therapy from a competent and trained counselor will bring out the truth. In the interim, you must accept that the past abuse is painfully and vividly real to the victim. He or she needs your unfailing love and support to make it through the process of healing—not your denial. Never underestimate the negative power of denial. In my above personal experience, the adult victim's parents would listen to her tearful cries of past abuse, but did not really seem to believe it. My personal observation of why goes right back to the feeling of guilt by her parents. As a child, the victim did go to her parents to complain of the abuse (as so many children do). However, the matter was not taken seriously and quickly dropped because the abuser was an older teenage son of trusted friends, all of who denied that anything had happened. It also did not help that the parents were heavily involved with the abuser's parents in a local church. In short, her parents failed to protect her because they apparently did not believe her accusations nor possess the self-confidence to stand up for what was right in the face of strong personalities. This was deplorable, because there were also complaints from other young girls, including the victim's sister. Guilt is a powerful emotion. It can keep people in a dark and emotionless vortex, indefinitely or permanently. If I have just described a situation that you can identify with, then take immediate action to stop your denial! You may not realize it yet, but it is destroying the relationship you have with your child! Seek the forgiveness of your child for your denial. Then resolve to never swim in the vast sea of denial again. Additionally, if you are a parent who feels guilt over the abuse of your child, and are doing all you can to help, then you too take heart. There is hope, for your child and for your own feelings of guilt. Keep reading and apply the techniques discussed below in the subheading, How to Get Rid of the Guilt.

Guilt and Shame Motivation I would be remiss if I did not address another form of guilt that often comes our way—guilt or shame motivation. We see this type of manipulation in dysfunctional families and certain areas of culture, such as religion. Our belief system, including our spiritual and religious values, can play an integral part in whether or not we are motivated by guilt, or worse, shame. In combating guilt motivation, it is important to understand precisely what it is. Motivation by guilt is nothing more than an effort to control—a personal boundary violation. As an example, for many centuries re- ligionists have taught the doctrine of Hell Fire in an effort to control and manipulate the masses. It was so easy: “If you don‟t conform, you‟ll burn in hell forever.” In a broader sense, we may be victims to similar reasoning from our friends, family or others. If you were ever told, “You‟d better do this or you‟ll never amount to anything,” then you were being manipulated by guilt. Closely related, but worse yet, is shame motivation. This is evident if you were ever told, "You're stupid" or "You're no good." These were efforts to control you through guilt and shame—an appalling misdeed. You might as well have strings attached to you.

- 34 - Those who profess certain religious beliefs have a huge moral responsibility not to engage in guilt motivation, keeping in mind the Biblical admonition: God‟s "commands are not burdensome.” 10 If you feel the bite of this dysfunctional type of motivation, it is important that you re-establish your personal boundaries, that is, what you will or will not accept from those trying to control you. Resolve to quit buying into dysfunctional reasoning. Don‟t be a puppet.

How to Get Rid of the Guilt With knowing the destructive power of guilt and shame, just how do you bring it under control? I recommend the following two principles and subsequent steps:

Adopting a Realistic View of Imperfection and Sinfulness Is an Essential Part of the Solution. For many years, I agonized over a mistake that I had made when I was 14 years old. I was helping at my church in a position that involved collecting money for various religious books that church members wanted. On one occasion I quietly slipped a $20 bill into my pocket—I stole it. I can't remember what I spent it on, but it was certainly nothing virtuous. That one incident bothered me so much, that a few years later and over a period of time, I replaced the money several times over to "atone" for my sin. I now know that it was simply the foolishness of a kid. But I used to wonder why in the world I would ever do something like that, in essence, to steal from God. I knew inside that I was not a thief. I knew that I had many other qualities that were positive, but that one incident continued to haunt me for almost two decades. Then one day I realized a critical truth:

What I do is not necessarily who I am.

I realized that no matter how hard I tried to do what was right, I could never do it perfectly all the time. Yes, I had to come to terms with the fact that I made more mistakes than I liked to honestly admit thus far. Yet, the significant thing was, although I made my fair share of mistakes, this did not mean I was a worthless or wicked person. So, I finally accepted the fact that it is okay to make mistakes, as long as I learned the lesson, made amends, and then moved on with life without making the same mistake again.

Adopting a New Viewpoint Toward Guilt Is the Other Essential Ingredient. As with other burdens that we carry, I had to get fed up. I had to get angry over carrying a burden of guilt all my life for one petty, ridiculous thing after another. This anger gave me the freedom to stop carrying unnecessary guilt (which means all guilt, since all guilt is unnecessary after it performs its initial task). Frankly, I was tired of carrying the burden. Further, I began to reason that if God wants me to be perfect, He could make me perfect. If He is not willing to do that, then it follows that He must be willing to overlook minor infractions. This being the case, I do not have to feel so bad about myself when I make mistakes. Now, don‟t get me wrong—this way of reasoning was NOT a license to do whatever I wanted with im- punity. Quite the contrary, I would continue to do my best to live an honest and clean life. But now, I would recognize and accept that my “best” each day would vary. Some days, because of circumstances, my “best” was better than other days. Some months were better than other months, and so on. When we find that we have stumbled, here are six steps we can use to resolve it:

1) Admit and accept the wrong. Anytime we stumble, no good will come of the lesson unless we first admit that we have made a mistake, and then accept it. If we don't, then we are in a state of denial. In this state, it is easy to take ourselves too seriously, a commonality in codependents and those who may be spouses or children of alcoholics or substance abusers. Taking ourselves too seriously occurs when we cannot accept our own imperfect nature; or when we have unreasonable expectations of ourselves (for example, have you ever observed someone who cannot laugh at themselves?). At some point, we must reconcile that we can't control everything in life, including making mistakes. If I have just described you, remember: It is okay to make mistakes, as long as you benefit from the experience!

2) Learn the lesson contained therein. Once we admit and accept that we have made a mistake, then we must ask the "Why?" question to discover our motivations. Was it just a thoughtless blunder? Did we say some-

10 1 John 5:3 (NIV)

- 35 - thing without thinking? Then perhaps the lesson is to be more careful with people's feelings next time, or think before we speak. What if we intentionally do something against someone else? Again, why? Was it out of anger or re- venge? Then perhaps the lesson is to gain control of our emotions and show empathy for others. No matter what we have done, there is a reason and a lesson contained therein. Take the time to discover both. With thoughtful consideration of this second step, we can avoid the pain of relearning the same lessons over and over again.

3) Forgive yourself first. We cannot control whether another person will forgive us or not, but we can control whether we will forgive us or not. It is unhealthy not to forgive ourselves for being imperfect. After all, can we really be any other way than imperfect? We can go through the remainder of these six steps, but if we do not forgive ourselves, then we carry the burden of guilt indefinitely—with damaging results. This whole Game Rule revolves around letting go of unnecessary guilt, which means all sustained guilt. The primary way to let go is to forgive yourself unconditionally, before you seek forgiveness from the injured

party.

4) Make amends if possible. Once we have forgiven ourselves for our mistake, then it is critical that we endeavor to make amends to the person(s) we hurt. Sometime back, I had an experience with a very good client who had also become a friend. One day, I received a fax at my brokerage office from her, giving me instructions on a stock trade. I thought it was odd for her not to call as she had always done previously. I became more concerned when I realized that I had not seen nor spoken to her for about two months. I just figured that she was busy over the holidays. When I tried to call, I only got her answering machine. This only deepened my concern. Listening to my gut feeling, I faxed her back a note confirming her trade instructions and asked if I had done something to offend her. Several days passed and I heard nothing. Then I received another fax from her detailing how she was displeased with a stock trade I had done three months earlier that resulted in extra commissions being charged. This was an honest and unwitting mistake on my part, so much so, that I hadn't even noticed. Since I make it a practice to always deal honestly, sincerely and above board with my clients, I felt bad that I had not caught it sooner. What was I to do? I decided to simply stop by her house unannounced and explain. I did not want to chance a telephone call for fear that she would not talk to me. As it turned out, she gave me the chance to explain. I was sincerely sorry for the goof and expressed it by saying, "I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart." I also extended my "profuse apologies" to her several times and begged her forgiveness. Fortunately, she accepted my apology and we continue to be friends. The above phrases that I used to apologize are very good, but only if they are truly sincere. They are not techniques to be used just to get off the hook. We must use heart-felt honesty and sincerity when we im- plore the wronged individual to forgive us. If we do not truly feel what we are saying, the other person will instinctively know, and we will not regain that person's goodwill. Therefore, our attempt at making amends may likely fail. And frankly, we have no business asking for forgiveness if we are not truly sincere, or if we are just "faking" it to resolve a conflict. What happens though, if we genuinely try to make amends, but the other person refuses to accept them? The simple truth is that when we sincerely ask for forgiveness, the ball is in the other person's court, so to speak. It is now entirely up to them whether they will accept our apology or not. If they will not accept our earnest appeals to redeem ourselves, then we are at an impasse, because we cannot control another person or their feelings. So if amends are not possible, then we must learn what we can from the incident, and move on. We must come to peace with that which we cannot change. There is a danger though, if we stop at this step. If amends are out of the question, then our feelings of guilt can be quickly amplified to the point of emotional-immobilization. Especially is this true if we have lost a close friend due to our error. We must also be careful that our guilt does not grow into self-pity, which in turn can cause us to play the role of the victim. Like guilt, self-pity has no real value.

- 36 - Incidentally, if we are the one who was wronged, we must think carefully when another comes to apologize. We may be very upset over the matter, but we should always make it easy for another to seek our forgiveness. It takes courage, self-honesty, and humility to approach a person to settle a mistake against him or her. We must keep in mind that we too err on occasion, and we certainly would want understanding, kindness, and graciousness shown to us when we are appealing for forgiveness. A very important factor to consider when making amends: If we have wronged someone, but they do not know about it, and will never know about it unless we tell them, then it would not make sense to tell them, because there will be nothing to gain and everything to lose. This condition will likely occur only in rare instances, but it is something to consider. Why put yourself in a position to harm a relationship, only to try to regain it again? Of course, our wrong must not have any current or future physical or visible consequences to the other person, otherwise we must tell them and endeavor to make amends. We also run the risk of the wronged individual finding out about our mistake against them from another source. If this can potentially happen, then it is better for them to hear it from us first. Please weigh this matter very carefully, for it must be used with extreme caution. If we only want to tell in an effort to gain our own forgiveness, then this is not the place to get it. We must forgive ourselves within, not based on someone else's forgiveness.

5) Modify your behavior so you don't make the same mistake again. If we have come this far in resolving our guilt over some mistake we made, but don't change our ways, then of what value is it? It is imperative that we don't stop at just learning from the lesson. We must actually weave the benefits of the lesson into our psyche and make it an integral part of who we are. By so doing, we stack the odds against making the same mistake again. Concerning the above experience that I had with my client and friend, I can say with full confidence that I paid much closer attention to detail from then on, and especially when it concerned her—I learned the lesson and modified my behavior.

6) Lose the guilt and move forward with life. This final step can sometimes be achieved without much effort, because it is a natural conclusion to the five steps before it. Consider how this is so: If we have accepted and admitted the mistake, then we are not in denial. Then, we determine why we made the mistake and learn the lesson. After that, we humbly forgive ourselves first, because we have learned from our mistake and are now a better person with one more important lesson under our belt. Next, we try everything we can to make it right with the one we wronged. If we are successful in making amends (or even if we are not), we must make the necessary changes in ourselves to avoid making the mistake again. Now, the only logical thing to do is to let go of the guilt and move forward with life, and this time, much better equipped.

These six steps should help us to resolve almost any relationship mistake we might make, but only if we really use them. We must resolutely choose to STOP suffering the burden of needless and unnecessary guilt any longer! (Remember that all sustained guilt is needless). Properly managing guilt and shame is one of life's most important Game Rules, but also one of the hardest to master. Even if you have made serious mistakes in life, carrying a burden of guilt will do no lasting good after you have learned the lessons contained therein. If you have hurt someone, do all you can to redeem yourself. If you cannot redeem yourself for some reason, then apply the six remaining steps above. • So, have you taken a wrong step or made a serious slip-up? Welcome to life! We all have made serious blunders to a greater or lesser degree. It‟s time to quit agonizing. Rest assured, comparatively few humans are ruthless and evil, and you are not likely part of this small group. So take yourself back! Become empowered! Refuse to surrender to bad feelings about yourself any longer! Go ahead and contemplate your guilt, your shame, but only briefly, THEN LOSE IT! 11

11 It should be noted that the above discussion pertains primarily to common human relationship mistakes, with varying degrees of severity. It does not address ultra-serious mistakes such as those involved in criminal actions. While some of the principles in this

- 37 - MAXIMS ON GUILT & SHAME

• "The ineffable joy of forgiving and being forgiven forms an ecstasy that might well arouse the envy of the gods." —Elbert Hubbard

• "Forget your mistakes, but remember the lessons they taught you." —Author Unknown

• "He who makes no mistakes doesn‟t do anything." — Author Unknown

• "We cannot make today‟s decisions with tomorrow‟s knowledge and experience." —Author

• "The past should be a springboard, not a hammock." —Irving Ball

• "Never let yesterday use up today." — Author Unknown

• "Failure is an event. It is not a person." — Author Unknown

• "To live is to battle the trolls in the vaults of the heart and brain." —Henrik Ibsen

• "The guilty think all talk is of themselves." —Geoffrey Chaucer

• "Guilt upon the conscience, like rust upon iron, both defiles and consumes it, gnawing and creeping into it, as that does which at last eats out the very heart and substance of the metal." —South

Game Rule undoubtedly apply, crimes such as murder, rape and crimes against humanity are completely different issues and go beyond the realm of everyday mistakes. If you are guilty of a crime such as this, it does not automatically make you a worthless person. However, you have a heavy burden of guilt to carry and must go above and beyond what is normal in redeeming yourself, if it is possible. The very fact that you are reading this footnote implies that there is hope for you, otherwise you wouldn't care enough to get this far.

- 38 -

LIFE-AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY?

"At the foundation of every life is one central desire: to make a difference that you lived." —Ron Smothermon M.D., Author

LIVING in this world with all of its troubles, it is easy to buy into the futility of it all. When a baby is born, wonderful things are given it: fresh skin, youthful vigor, strength and all the hopes and dreams of the future. The baby grows to be an adult, and, hopefully, enjoys a vibrant and fulfilling life. It would be terrific if the story stopped here, but it doesn't. The baby—once the epitome of life—grows old and dies. It is a journey of 80 years or so. We can do nothing about it—it just happens. The cold, hard and morbid truth is that as soon as a baby is born, it begins the process of dying. Dying is by far the greatest calamity which humankind must face. Death, and the processes that lead up to it—sickness and old age—are heinous afflictions. To see someone battling a serious illness or an elderly person trying to function within the limits placed on him or her by old age, is a heartbreaking sight to behold. It is equally sad when someone views death as a solution to illness or old age. These facts lead many to adopt an attitude of futility. For example, actor-comedian Woody Allen stated, "More than anytime in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and hopelessness; the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.” With statements like this, it is easy to understand why so many feel that life is futile.

The Human Need to Avert Futility Many people past and present, have made serious attempts at removing futility from their lives. Writers such as William James, Soren Kierkegaard and Friedrich Nietzsche all taught philosophy as a remedy to despair and futility. Others seek religion to find meaning in life and avert futility. Nevertheless, many still conclude that with death comes the ultimate futility. Remove death and remove futility. Is this correct thinking? A case in point is a message posted on the Internet by Mary, 12 who was concerned with this very issue. Speaking of the untimely death of John F. Kennedy Jr. in 1999, she wrote:

"… His death made me think about how useless life on earth is. It all ends the same way, regardless of whether you are a king or a beggar. It doesn't matter now who he was, what he did or what family he was from. None of that helped him. He's gone and that's that. I am a Christian, so I know that God has a purpose for my life. However, this stark reminder of human mortality and how easily it can all be over is a real bucket of cold water over my head. I suppose that I should take that understanding and live today as though it were my last day; enjoy my [children] and don't be uptight about not getting every little thing done…."

12 Name has been changed

- 39 - It is sad to see good-hearted people hurting over the tragedies of life, as Mary so honestly conveyed in her posting. She correctly stated that it doesn't matter whether a person is rich or poor, what connections they have, or what family they come from. We all must contend with the same finale. She also realized an important point: So often, we spend too much time being overly concerned with the little mundane things of life that don't really matter in the end. What is most important is this: Things don't matter, people matter.

How to Understand and View Futility The word "futility" is defined as "serving no useful purpose; uselessness; frivolousness." Now, when we apply that to our lives, does it fit? Most likely not. We all have responsibilities in life that wouldn't get done if not for us, right? What about children or dependents? If we have children, then our lives need not be futile. How would they get along if not for our involvement? Hopefully, we can answer that we are thoroughly involved in the lives of our children. What about other responsibilities and pursuits? Do we "add to the woodpile" by giving to others as part of our career or other activities? Many service clubs are available that provide a valuable service to their com- munities. Are we involved here? Can we get involved? The chapter quote above by Dr. Ron Smothermon is extremely relevant here. If we make a difference that we lived, then by definition, we negate futility. Futility only exists when we do nothing meaningful with our lives; when we have no purpose; when we only take from others. By discovering and implementing our own unique purpose, we overtake futility; we dissipate any power it has over us like the smoke from a campfire. It no longer has a hold on our mental and emotional faculties.

Futility Is Futile When we consider the following evidence, we begin to see that the only thing that is futile is futility itself. Contemplate these three arguments against an attitude of futility: 1) What Matters Most in Our Life Is Not the Mistakes We Make, But How We Live Our Life Overall. People will always make mistakes, but what counts is that we not practice error. It is good and noble to live life in such a way that we do not cause others conflict. After all, what right do we have to cause others pain? Life is hard enough. We need to ask ourselves, “Do I make life easier or more difficult for others in general? Am I predo- minantly a taker, or a giver?” If all we ever do is “take from the woodpile,” we eventually deplete it. We lose friends, mates, relationships, and then blame others for “abandoning” us. This aberrant behavior is quite common with substance abusers. Author Alfred Armand Montapert, in his book, The Supreme Philosophy of Man, writes about a motto that he has over his desk. It says:

"When the one Great Scorer comes to write against your name, He writes—not that you won or lost—but how you played the game."

Our character truly plays the biggest role in whether we find meaning or futility in our lives. What matters most in the end is the contribution we have made to the world by playing the game of life honorably. Abraham Lincoln was truly a man of strong character and true greatness. He once made a statement that has come to be my motto in life: "Die when I may, I want it said of me, by those who know me best, that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower when I thought a flower would grow."

2) Believe It or Not, We Can Make a Difference to Somebody. I used to be of the opinion, right or wrong, that one person could not really make any difference. I read many self-improvement books and articles telling me just the opposite. But I still held the opinion. Then one day, I believed. I was about to do some work on my computer, when I discovered that my 12 year-old son, Michael, had not closed out a couple of school homework assignments he had been working on. As usual, I began to save and close each file when I came across a report that he had written for his Language Arts class. It was about his "Hero." This is what he wrote:

- 40 - “My dad is a hero for many reasons. He has done many things in his life. He has been to different countries … Here are some reasons why he is a hero."

He then went on to describe some of the intense difficulties he and I had faced while trying to help his mother (my previous wife) overcome alcohol addiction. He then continued:

"I admire him for acting so calm in this situation. He is definitely a hero for going through all this and still being able to help people. I am surprised he is still sane. I admire him a great deal. I believe he is one of the true heroes on earth.”

Sometimes, it is difficult to see things any other way than futile when we face so many problems in life. This was a time in my life when everything seemed utterly futile—that life simply had no redeeming value. I felt that life‟s “return on investment” was lousy. My son and I were going through serious life problems stemming from a close family member dealing with substance abuse. As one can imagine, it is a most difficult thing to go through, especially when we factor in one‟s upbringing and belief systems, which can and did cause conflicts. It is also difficult to face up to the destroyed relationships to which such abuse leads. When I read my son‟s paper on his “hero,” tears welled up in my eyes. Of all the "Heroes" out there, he chose me! In an instant, I knew that my life was worthwhile, if only to be there for him. Oh, I used to “know” that he needed me, but what is so amazing is that I now knew it down to my very soul. Now I could look at life just a little bit differently, with a little more bounce in my step; a little lighter song in my heart; and a much brighter sparkle in my eyes. Because after all, I am Michael‟s “Hero.” Lo, I am saved from futility. While it may be rare that a single person can change history by their actions, it is not uncommon for people to make a difference in the life of somebody, or in fact, many.

3) It Does Matter That We Have Lived! Mary, who made the above internet posting, also wrote that it matters not as to who we are, because we all die. Is this true? No! It does matter who we are and how we lived! Does it matter that our parents lived? How about our grandparents? How about our ancestors? I think that we would all agree that it does matter that they lived, otherwise, we would not be here! What about all of the great men and women who have lived? Many made great contributions to the world by their having lived. Where would we be if Einstein, Edison, or Lincoln had not lived? Isn't the world a better place because Florence Nightingale, a dedicated nurse and pioneer of sanitation and hygiene, lived? Yes! However, Mary does make a good point. Why not live each day like it is our last? We never know if we will "die early," (and remember this: anytime we die-it's early! ) My dad used an illustration when I was young about our lives being an open book. When we start the day out, the page is blank. By the end of the day, the page is full of what we did that day. The beautiful thing about it is that we make the choice of what is written in that book. It can be good or bad; right or wrong; beneficial or not. It is up to us. So if we have the power to choose what is written in the book of our lives, then why not make it a best seller? Why not give deep consideration as to how we will spend our days or how we will transcend futility by adding to the "woodpile of life?"

Is Death the Ultimate Futility? So is death the ultimate futility? In light of the foregoing, No! "But isn't death the end," you say? Who knows? Not one single person now alive can prove what happens to us after we die. Neither you nor I have seen it first hand. No one has gone there and come back with proof positive. Some believe that we go to heaven or hell; some believe that we cease to exist; some believe that we are reincarnated. Any way we believe, it is always subject to our belief system. We always have to take someone else's word for it—whether from the Bible or someone relating a Near Death Experience. There is simply no evidence one way or another, that we go into a state of non-existence or go to heaven, or somewhere else for that matter. Some may find this hard to accept, especially those religiously inclined, but it is undeniable. As strange as it may sound, there may be an upside benefit to illness, old age, and dying. If we were to have first hand knowledge that we were going to a better place when we die, what impetus would there be for

- 41 - making the most of our lives now? If we knew we were going to a place where there was no pain or dying, many might easily conclude: "Let's just get it over with right now so we can go on to a better place." In effect, futility would run rampant. In the end, the pain and suffering we endure here and now, just might be a bless- ing in disguise. The fact that we are clueless about our ultimate end drives us on to inner refinement, building character, and delivering greatness to the world. Since no one can say for sure what happens to us at death, we can choose to be positive or negative about it. We can reason that the Grand Scheme of things must have been created by someone, such as God, so maybe the love God showed initially in creating us will come through for us at death—that it will not be the end. Whether we come in line for a resurrection back on earth at some future time, or move on to another plane of existence we cannot say with certainty. But we can always hope, for this is all we really have. By having hope, we can see and enjoy the good things that life has to offer now. We can make our lives more productive and peaceful. So it becomes quite simple, then. If we make a contribution to humanity in any of numerous ways, small or large; if we leave a lasting legacy as to our goodness and kindness; if we leave our positive mark upon the world—then our lives have meaning and futility has no hold on us!

MAXIMS ON FUTILITY

• "A myriad of men are born; they labor and sweat and struggle;...they squabble and scold and fight; they scramble for little mean advantages over each other; age creeps upon them; infirmities follow; ...those they love are taken from them, and the joy of life is turned to aching grief. It (the release) comes at last—the only unpoisoned gift earth ever had for them—and they vanish from a world where they were of no consequence, a world which will lament them a day and forget them forever." —Mark Twain

• "To give life meaning, one must have a purpose larger than one's self." —Will Durant

• "Most men live lives of quiet desperation." —Thoreau

• "Most of us swim in the ocean of the commonplace." —Pió Baroja

• "To be employed in useless things is half to be idle." —Thomas Fuller

• "A useless life is early death." —Goethe

- 42 -

THE ART OF LIVING

"May you live all the days of your life" —Jonathan Swift

IF I were able to tell you what will happen one hour from now, would that be of value to you? If I were able to tell you what's going to happen tomorrow, would you be interested? If I could say with accuracy what will occur in one week, one month, or one year, how much would that be worth to you right now? You may think these questions are pointless, because I obviously can't tell the future. But consider this further. Imagine taking a time machine back to Tuesday, October 17, 1989. It's 4:06 p.m. local time—just one hour before an earthquake measuring 6.9 on the Richter scale will rock the San Francisco Bay area. Portions of Inter- state 880 as well as portions of the Oakland Bay Bridge will collapse, in addition to several apartment buildings. Among the 67 people who will die, is a man named Buck Helm. He will be trapped for 89 hours in a car under the collapsed interstate. He will be pulled out alive, but sadly, will die in a few days from his injuries. Now, let's return to the present for some questions: How much would it have been worth to Buck Helm to know the future just one hour in advance? What would each of the other 66 people who died have traded to know the future just 60 short minutes beforehand? What would their families have traded? Oh, not to be on those freeways; not to be in those apartment buildings! Really, they would have traded anything they owned, short of life itself! So what is the point of this true story? Well, for one thing, it proves that we never know if or when death and tragedy will visit us. We never know from moment to moment what will happen in our lives. In reality, this very moment could be our last. As motivational speaker Zig Ziglar has stated, nobody has a contract with life that guarantees he or she will be alive one hour from now, let alone a month or a year from now. We never know what the future holds, so it is important to cherish the life that we have now. If you knew you only had a short time to live, what things would you do differently than now? What wrongs would you right? Which people would you contact? What would be important? If you resolved to im- plement these changes now, do you think the quality of your life just might improve?

The Choice is Ours Many folks never seem to learn that life is to be lived to the full—and never to be taken for granted. To really live life means to live with passion, conviction, strength and honor. Life is far too short not to enjoy it to the full, and far too long to condemn ourselves to a life of needless trouble, anxiety and pessimism. It is crucial that we strive to be positive and cheerful and find happiness in our gift of life. My wife, Tracy, is a big believer in being positive. She has encouraged me many times saying, "Wake up in the morning and ask, 'What can I bring to this day?'" One of her favorite fictional characters is L. M. Mont- gomery's Ann of Green Gables. 13 She quotes Ann as saying, "Marilla, isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" What a fresh concept! As with most else in life, it really boils down to the attitude that we choose to have regarding our lives. We can choose to wake up happy or miserable.

13 Bantam, 1992

- 43 - The story is told that once upon a time, there was a wise man who lived in a village. All the people would go to him with problems and he would help them. Then one day, a young man came to the village. He had degrees in psychology and philosophy, and some of the people started to go to him for solutions to their problems. However, the inexperienced young man just couldn't help them like the old wise man could, for he had a life time of experience behind him. So the young man figured if he could prove wiser than the old man, the people would come to him instead. He thought and thought, and finally came up with an idea. He would catch a small bird and hide it behind his back. Then he would go to the old wise man and ask him whether the bird was alive or dead in front of all the people. If the old man said "alive," he would simply squeeze the tiny bird behind his back, bring it out dead, and thereby prove the old man wrong. If the old man said "dead," he would bring out the bird alive and prove him wrong that way. So, he went up the hill to where the old man was and said, "I have a bird behind my back. Is it alive or is it dead?" Without a moment's hesitation, the old wise man replied, "Whether the bird lives or dies is in your hand." The choice is in our hand as to whether or not we will make the most of our lives during the short time that we are here. If the choice is in our hand, why not choose to live our life to the full? If we make the right choice, then we retain control of our life. How unpleasant life can be when we don't exercise any input or control over it. It is like a raft drifting on the waves with no means of power or control, and at the mercy of the vast and intemperate sea.

Show Respect for Life I learned a great lesson about the value of life when I was about 10 years old. I was very proud of a slingshot that I had fashioned from a tree branch and was anxious to use it. So, one day a couple of neighborhood kids and I were out looking for targets to shoot. The other boys started to shoot at flying birds, so I thought I would try it too. I sighted a sparrow flying about 200 feet straight up and shot. The stone came within a foot or two of hitting the poor bird. I was very excited that I had come so close to hitting it and ran home to tell my dad. My enthusiasm was soon gone, for he told me that I should NEVER EVER hurt another living thing for any reason, especially not for sport. Both of my parents impressed upon me a high regard for all creation, and taught me to respect life. I have never forgotten that lesson. So much did that lesson stick with me, that it is difficult for me to kill even the smallest spider, because after all, it has a God-given right to live too. All we need to do is observe nature around us to appreciate how valuable life is. The odds of us individually being born are astronomical—so many things had to happen just right! If just one of our ancestors had a freak accident and died before having children, we would not be here. If our parents had not met each other— for a host of possible reasons—we would not be here either. Indeed, if we factor in the barbarity of ages past, it is a miracle that we are even here at all! If we really think about it, we can come up with countless events that had to occur at just the right time and in the perfect order for us to live. This in itself should give us pause for serious thought. This matter of the value of life goes much deeper than simple creatures, especially when we consider the human-right to life. Aside from the justice system, does any human have the moral right to choose whether another human will live or die? Once we factor in the Law of Free Will, the answer is that every human has the right to exist, as long as he or she does not cause harm to his or her fellow human. That is indeed the only conclusion we can arrive at and still show honor and respect for free will and human life. 14 A problem arises when we do not allow others the privilege of free will that we desire ourselves. So many on this planet need to learn respect for life—yes, respect for living. Too many people only add chaos to theirs and others' lives by being controlling or taking themselves too seriously and insisting on their own way of doing things. On this planet, ecosystems depend on one another for survival. In turn, humans depend on these same ecosystems, as well as one another, for survival. If we as a race continue to show hostility toward each other and to our planet instead of loving kindness and respect, we may all pay the price—extinction.

14 This discussion is not aimed toward abortion issues. While I personally believe in the right to life with very few exceptions, I do not consider myself qualified to make other people's decisions for them.

- 44 - The Delightful Things of Life Several years ago, I heard a tender story about a father who punished his little three year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he became upset when the little girl tried to de- corate a box. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but he got upset again when he found that the box was empty. Irritated, he said to her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's sup- posed to be something inside of it?" The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box, all for you, Daddy." The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and begged her forgiveness. The father kept that gold box by his bed for many years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary "butterfly kiss" from the box and remember the love of the child who had put them there. This touching story illustrates many things. Most importantly, it is easy to take life for granted and overlook the delightful things of life. The majority of the time, life's delightful things are quite simple. What could be more precious than "butterfly kisses" from a little girl to her father? How many things can we count as the "delightful things" in our life? These are the little treasures of life that probably have little or no monetary value. It can be as simple as the sight of a pretty flower; or the song of a favorite bird; or the exhilarating scent of the forest. It can be a memory or a memento. For example, several years ago when my son was in pre-school, he made me a pen holder for my desk out of a soup can. It has his picture on it and it is special to me only. It would mean nothing to anyone else. Many are the things that we each can cherish in a private way that bring us delight. Why not take an inventory of the delightful things in your life? Then review the list often, especially when you are discouraged. Consider sharing your list with someone who will appreciate it, like a good friend or spouse. Never forget, life is about the precious and "delightful things." It's about treasuring the small and pretty things around us, as well as the bigger things.

Finding Peace When we look at the core value of our existence and appreciate the simple and delightful things in life, it adds to life's meaning and ultimately, to finding fulfillment. This fulfillment then engenders peace in our lives. This peace in our lives and homes is to be prized almost more than anything else. Without peace, life offers precious little fulfillment or meaning. By taking a serious interest in making our lives as problem-free as possible, we make our own peace and find life worth living. Many things can rob us of our peace. Two examples to consider are worry, and an attitude that life is not fair.

Worry. I once heard motivational speaker Ed Foreman define worry in a thought-provoking way. He said, "Worry is the misuse of the imagination." Most of the time when we worry, we are imagining the worst possible scenario. Since nobody can tell the future, no one can possibly know what it holds. Therefore, the future will happen regardless of whether we worry about it or not. When you think about it, worry is simply another control issue. We worry because we cannot control the future or other people or certain circumstances. Since we cannot control these things, what sense is there in needlessly worrying about it? In this same vein, Mark Twain wrote, "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." When we worry, we borrow pain from the future to languish over today. In all reality, what we imagine may never happen at all. Since we have plenty to concern ourselves about today, why make our lives harder by imagining the worst that could happen tomorrow? Pessimism is also a big part of worry. Again, the future will happen, good or bad, right or wrong, positively or negatively—and no one alive can control it or predict it. Since we have yet another choice to make, why not choose to be positive about future happenings? Worry can also lead to health problems. When we are worried about something which we cannot control, it consumes and depletes us. It drains the life right out of us and we begin to die like a flower without water.

- 45 - Our countenance reflects this condition in the worry lines that form on our face. But we must regain control over ourselves, and not allow anything to rob us of our precious peace of mind. When we worry, the only one that we have any influence on is ourselves—and the result is usually adverse. Occasionally, we may feel that we have good cause for concern and worry. What can we do to soften the agony of worry? Dale Carnegie in his book, How To Stop Worrying And Start Living, 15 talked about a system devised by Willis H. Carrier, (of Carrier air-conditioning fame), for dealing with insurmountable circumstances. Mr. Carrier suggested three steps to manage our worry: 1) Determine the worst possible outcome; 2) Unconditionally accept the worst possible outcome; and 3) Calmly try to improve on the worst possible outcome. Why does this method work so well? Because, as one unknown writer expressed, "Nothing is so powerful as the condition of having nothing to lose. If you've got no downside, why not give it a try?" If our problems are as bad as they can get, then the only way left to go is up. When we adopt Willis Carrier's above advice, we may find that our worries evaporate back into the nothingness from which they came, and are replaced by a positive and peaceful feeling of acceptance and determination for improvement.

Life is just not fair! How many times we have uttered those words! And they sound so good! They seem to console us or serve as an excuse when something seemingly unfair happens to us. But is it really true that life is unfair? A couple of arguments bear on this question. First, the Bible teaches that we will reap what we sow. This is a principle truth in our universe. If we were to plant rose bushes, would it be reasonable to think that tulips would grow? Are we surprised when we enjoy the good things of life that come because of working diligently? Sir Isaac Newton's third law of motion states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Therefore, it is not difficult to conclude that the universe (or life) gives back to us exactly 100% of what we give it. We should never forget this Game Rule. Using this principle as a basis, can we say that life is really unfair? When we honestly and carefully consider it, we may find that life treats us exactly like we treat it. If something "undeserved" has happened to us, consider how it came about, rather than quickly conclude that we did nothing to cause it. For example, many have felt that life is not fair due to the breakup of a marriage. While this is a very difficult challenge to under- go, can we honestly say that we did nothing to bring it about? Technically, even if we did nothing to deserve this, we still married this person and perhaps due to inexperience, did not make a good choice at the time. If we had made a better choice, this situation may never have happened at all. So can we say that life is not fair because we ourselves or someone else made poor choices? In the end, life may be fairer than we give it credit for. Again, the universe (life) always gives back to us exactly what we give it, even though it may take some time to come about. This is the key. My father always told me that "there is a lag time between planting and harvest." We must be patient. Even if something unfortunate has happened to us that occurred as a result of a freak accident or the like, we can still learn the lessons contained, although we may never understand the "Why?" question. By understanding the Game Rules for Life, we add meaning and peace to our lives. However, this higher quality of life does not come without effort on our part. But it will be well worth it due to the benefits of an improved existence and better self-concept, not to mention making the world a better place. All it takes is for people to refine themselves one by one, and eventually, humankind as a whole will advance to the next level of kindness toward and respect for one another. Elie Wiesel, Holocaust survivor and Nobel Peace Prize win- ner, said it well, "Mankind must remember that peace is not God's gift to his creatures; peace is our gift to each other."

Resolve to Really Live! Even though we don't have a time machine that will allow us to change the future or the past, we can nevertheless acquire certain knowledge of the future by using common sense. For example, think about a time that you drove down a winding road. You have no-doubt noticed that when there is a turn in the road, the high-

15 Simon and Schuster, 1948

- 46 - way department places yellow signs to warn of an upcoming curve and the suggested speed to safely nego- tiate the turn. If we choose to ignore the safe speed, it is entirely possible to end up off the road, and maybe down the side of a steep ravine. Couldn't we say that those yellow warning signs actually represent knowledge of the future? Likewise, if we use our common sense and pay attention to that knowledge, we can usually get down the road of life safely. If we choose to ignore life's little warning signs, then we don't fare as well. It is a matter of common sense, and choosing well. In addition to heeding life's warning signs, we must also make the conscious decision to take control of our lives and live with power and forward motion. Would we rather be a ship floating on the sea or one driven by a powerful engine that takes us where we want to go? Jonathan Swift said it quite succinctly in the chapter quote above, "May you live all the days of your life." What wonderful advice for us! At some point in our lives, we must wake up from our life-stupor and really begin to live our lives to the full. We must assume complete responsibility for who we are and live with passion! Why not do that right now? Why not resolve right now to see the world in a better light and work toward making it a better place for ourselves and those around us?

CONTEMPLATING THE ART OF LIVING

To get the most from this Game Rule, try meditating on the following exercises. Please use a separate piece of paper to maintain your privacy.

• Name three things that you would do or change if you only had six months to live:

• List three ways that you can show more respect for life:

• List three "Delightful Things" in your life, things that are precious and meaningful to you alone:

• List three changes that you can make that will bring more peace to your life:

• Name three ways you can resolve to improve the quality of your life now:

- 47 -

MAXIMS ON THE ART OF LIVING

• "I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well."—Diane Ackerman

• "What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." —Colette

• "Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry." —Mark Twain

• "Life was a funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave." —Quentin Crisp

• "I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches." —Alice Roosevelt Longworth

• "For everything that lives is holy, life delights in life." —William Blake

• "There must be more to life than having everything." —Maurice Sendak

• "Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death." —Anais Nin

• "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." — Author Unknown

- 48 -

SHOW TRUE MERCY TO OTHERS

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." —Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

ON October 12, 1995, the Rapid City (South Dakota) Journal featured an interesting side-story that carried the title, "Anger Management Counselor Beats Client." The counselor was obviously annoyed with his client to the point of losing control. But this is just minor compared to the problems of the world. Almost everywhere we look, we see and hear of humans being cruel to one another. How much better off the world would be if it truly understood the beautiful power of mercy. The concept of mercy is, without question, one of the most useful and profound topics that a person should consider. It touches on everything we do, from business to religion. If Free Will is the foundation cornerstone of life, then mercy is the mortar that holds it all together. Free Will cannot exist without mercy and respect for others, and vice versa. Although most people give passing attention to mercy, comparatively few really understand it. Many think that mercy is a quality that is only displayed when someone does something meriting forgiveness. In fact, many people think of mercy as forgiveness. It is and it is not. According to the dictionary, one of the definitions of mercy is: "compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power." This definition emphasizes a type of passive mercy, that is, some mistake must be made before it is offered. Moreover, when it is offered, it can be a powerfully positive thing. Road rage is a practical example of when passive mercy should be shown. Some drivers succumb to road rage because someone else is not driving as they think he or she should, or perhaps someone cuts them off or something similar. Wouldn't it be an extension of mercy to give other drivers the benefit of doubt? We do not know what motivates them or what might be responsible for the way they are driving. Yes, people do stupid things while driving, and it can be irritating. But how many times have we also done something stupid while driving? If we want others to be tolerant of us, then we should be tolerant of them. Isn't that reasonable? American Orator Robert G. Ingersoll, a 19th century freethinker, recorded a touching story of passive mercy displayed to a woman and her husband by Abraham Lincoln:

"One day a woman, accompanied by a senator, called on the President. The woman was the wife of one of Mosby's men. [John Mosby was a guerrilla leader for the South during the time of the Civil War]. Her husband had been captured, tried and condemned to be shot. She came to ask for the pardon of her husband. The President heard her story and then asked what kind of man her husband was: 'Is he intemperate, does he abuse the children and beat you?' "'No, no,' said the wife, 'he is a good man, a good husband, he loves me and he loves the children, and we cannot live without him. The only trouble is that he is a fool about politics—I live in the North, born there; and if I get him home, he will do no more fighting for the South.'

- 49 - "'Well,' said Mr. Lincoln, after examining the papers, 'I will pardon your husband and turn him over to you for safe keeping.' The poor woman, overcome with joy, sobbed as though her heart would break. "'My dear woman,' said Lincoln, 'if I had known how badly it was going to make you feel, I never would have pardoned him.' "'You do not understand me,' she cried between her sobs. 'You do not understand me.' "'Yes, yes, I do,' answered the President, 'and if you do not go away at once I shall be crying with you.' "It is the glory of Lincoln that, having almost absolute power, he never abused it, except on the side of mercy."

What a splendid example Lincoln was! To err on the side of mercy is another great Game Rule of Life and is itself a show of mercy.

True Mercy is Active The dictionary also had two additional definitions on mercy: "compassionate treatment of those in distress." These renderings encompass another type of mercy that is much more powerful: active mercy. True mercy in its highest form is an active quality and should be extended in an active fashion. We should actually look for ways to show mercy to others. Why? Just think about a person who showed you a kindness at some point in your life. Did he or she help you in some way that you did not ask for? A practical example is someone helping us when we have broken down on the highway. This kindness was actually a show of mercy, and we were undoubtedly very appreciative. Didn't it make you feel very good about yourself and them? And think of a time when you really needed help and it wasn't forthcoming—maybe no one would stop to help. Wouldn't it have been better all around if someone had stopped to help? For active mercy to take place, three criteria or conditions must be present. 1) There must be a Need; 2) there must be a feeling of Compassion; and 3) there must be an Action. These three conditions can be seen in many different situations. In one example, the story is told of a little English boy's encounter with an American GI during World War II. London had been repeatedly bombed by the German Luftwaffe (Hitler's Air Force), and parts of the city were in shambles. Food was scarce. The Ameri- can had just purchased a dozen doughnuts from a local bakery, when he noticed a poorly clothed and desperately hungry boy. After the American soldier offered him his doughnuts, the boy looked up at him and said, "Mister, are you God?" Notice the three criteria present in this story. The American Soldier obviously noticed the situation and the need, but what if he had stopped there? No mercy would have been extended to the hungry little boy. What if the soldier had seen the need, felt the compassion, but failed to act? Again, no mercy would have been shown, and the hungry little boy, who really needed help, would have gone without—with death as a potential result. It is easy to see that action was required for true mercy to flow. It is interesting to note also that the little boy asked the American soldier if he "was God." Obviously, the man wasn't, but he did show God-like mercy, that is, mercy of a higher standard. Isn't it morally satisfying to know that we too can show this virtuous quality of mercy to the benefit of others? We can also extend mercy in everyday situations. One day in September, 1999, I was looking outside my office window and saw an elderly man across the street whose Cadillac had stalled. It was quite a hot day in Southwest Florida and the man, wearing a nasal cannula, (a breathing tube connected to a small handheld oxygen tank), was trying to push his car off the road. His wife was on my side of the street waiting for a tow truck which had not as yet shown up. As I watched this man, I saw a need—the man was obviously in no condition to be pushing a big automobile onto the grass. I then felt compassion for him and then took action by offering my assistance. As it turned out, he was overheated and very weak. I helped him back across the street to my air-conditioned office, at which point my wife called for the tow truck again. The elderly man felt a little better, but needed to go home, while his wife waited for the tow truck. I offered to take him home and he agreed. This man and his wife were grateful, and showed it by sending a thank you card a few days later.

- 50 - The foregoing story is probably one that we all can relate to, because it is very likely that all of us have done a similar type of thing for someone in need. Notice that it was a small deed; in other words, I didn't become a hero by saving the world from destruction. And that is a huge point—we can and should show mercy in small ways every time we discern a need. What are some other ways that we can show mercy to others? How about smiling at others? Have you ever walked past someone and said hello or smiled and he or she had no reaction? Have you ever had someone say hello or smile at you without replying? We've all heard the wonderful advice that we should smile at all whom we meet. The best thing about it is that smiling doesn't cost a dime, and it pays handsomely with gaining the goodwill of others and giving ourselves reason to feel good inside. 16 But what if we are confronted with a beggar or someone carrying a sign that says, "Will Work for Food" or similar? Many of us have had to face someone asking us for money on the street or perhaps from a friend in need. Would it be an extension of mercy to give money to those begging for it? This is an individual decision to make, but here are some guidelines which may help: Would our giving money to this person actually encourage him or her in a life of laziness, or some other harm, like drug addiction? Is he or she making serious attempts to improve his or her lot in life and only need assistance for a short time? Or would our giving money to someone actually help him or her out just for the moment, not giving them any incentive to improve? It would not be an act of true mercy to help a person do him or herself harm. Back in July of 1989, I was in New Orleans attending a trade convention when I went into a McDonalds restaurant on Canal Street for some lunch. As I walked inside, a disheveled elderly man approached me and asked if I would give him "64 cents for a burger." I took pity on the man and gave him a couple of bucks. A few minutes later, I had sat down and started to eat when the same man approached me again and asked for "64 cents for a burger." He was completely oblivious to the fact that I had already given him money. I asked him if he remembered me giving him money 10 minutes prior. He just turned away without a word, not even a "thank you." This was a perfect situation to give the benefit of the doubt the first time, which I did. The second time, it was obvious to me that this man didn't seem to be after anything other than getting handouts from as many people as possible. This is only one example. Many other situations call for discernment and good judgment. Sometimes it is not easy to decide, but we should always temper our judgment with mercy. So we see that for true mercy to occur, it must be preceded by a need, a feeling of compassion, and followed up with action. Can we look for opportunities to show true mercy on a regular basis? Can we make someone's load just a bit lighter? Can we react calmly and kindly when someone or something irritates us? These are all ways to show higher human virtues, none the least of which is mercy.

Mercy vs. Righteous Indignation, Self-Righteousness and Judgmentalism Righteous indignation has the connotation of one being incensed in a virtuous sort of way; of one being angry in a morally justifiable manner. It may be a concept that is sometimes hard to understand fully, especially concerning when we should use it or not. In his essay, "The Search for Truth," Harlan Vall expressed the topic of righteous indignation very well:

"If you would pardon a revision of Charles Dickens' famous statement, I could say of righteous indignation: It was the best of friends, it was the worst of enemies. "Being justly angry at such things as deception, cruelty, injustice, killing of the innocent, or preju- dice can have a powerful motivating impact on us to work to right wrongs or proclaim the truth in the face of lies. Righteous indignation can raise the adrenaline to keep us going when we would have otherwise given up. It can make us willing to sacrifice for a cause we believe is right and it can instill in us a passion that can inflame others to join us to work for necessary change, but it also has a significant downside.

16 Now, when I say to smile at everyone, of course this must be handled with discretion. Common sense should dictate appropriate as well as inappropriate situations.

- 51 - "Righteous indignation can cause us to be so abrasive, so forceful, so offensive that we only anta- gonize the very people we want to communicate with. If, in our anger, we jump on people with both feet, or if our approach is so 'in your face' that we make [others] more resolved to defend themselves and their actions, we will not get the results we desire. "Righteous indignation is a necessary part of being moral creatures, but it also puts us in danger of being condescending and judgmental so that by our actions we merely drive people deeper into doing wrong instead of bringing them to freedom, restoration, and righteousness."

Righteous indignation is certainly something that may be proper, but only in its appropriate place and time. It is important to exercise extreme caution with righteous indignation, because it is easy to cross the line into self-righteousness and judgmentalism. Righteous indignation is easy to show impetuously, without thinking. Therefore, we should always consider matters carefully when we are tempted to display righteous indignation. At times, people may feel justified in being judgmental and self-righteous in the name of righteous indignation. Consider two common areas of life, secular and religious:

Secularly. It seems too many businesses resort to cut-throat competitive measures because of righteous indignation that has gone awry. They may reason that, "The other guy doesn't do a good job for his customers," or, "The other guy is the competition so he's a jerk," or something similar. So they feel justified in doing anything to beat the other guy, no matter how unethical or unkind. Is this righteous indignation? or just an excuse to hate the competition? I had an experience several years ago in this regard, which got me thinking about this very topic. It concerned the office equipment dealership that I had started a few years earlier. I was in competition with a company where I was formerly employed. The company had now changed hands, and I had a good friend who was still working there. He told me on two or three occasions that the new president of this company was determined to put me out of business. He also told me that this new president didn't just want "part" of the business, he wanted it "all." My friend further related this president as saying, "My pockets run deeper than Doug's." It is interesting to note that I had never met this man before, nor had I intentionally done anything to degrade or harm him or his company. This man seemed to be caught up with a type of pseudo-righteous indignation, in that he thought that "all is fair in love and war" and business. All he seemed to see were his own selfish ends and his own advancement. I wonder if he ever stopped to think about my need to provide for my family, not to mention my employees. His company was significantly larger than mine, so I was no threat to him or his continued business, yet he was determined to try to force me out of business, which, fortunately, he was unable to do. Many times, this is the way of big business—profits at any cost. But this approach completely ignores any type of mercy. It shows complete disregard for the human element. This type of business grows by stepping on its own people at times, or stepping on or assimilating the competition. From a mercy point of view, the fact is that in business, everybody is entitled to their fair share—no more, no less. Companies that provide good products and service attract more customers, and consequently have a bigger share of the business by default. A novel idea for some businesses—big or small—would be to draw more customers to themselves by providing good service, and without an attitude of indifference. In this way, they show regard for human kindness and mercy.

Religiously. We must be careful not to be critical of others because they don't think or believe like us. It is common with most, if not all, followers of various religions to believe that they have the one true religion, ap- pointed by God to dispense His Truth. Based on this reasoning, many religious people are inclined to justify their disapproval of others who are not of their religious persuasion, thinking that they are "just a little better," or that they are "saved," while the others are not. Further, we might observe weaknesses and imperfections on the part of others that are of our religious persuasion, and become judgmental and self-righteous toward them. Know this: there is a thin line between righteous indignation and self-righteousness. If we are not careful, our righteous indignation can cross the line and make us self-righteous or "holier than thou." There is no harmony between mercy and self-righteousness. They

- 52 - cannot be reconciled. It is unmerciful to self-righteously judge others in the name of righteous indignation. Have you ever heard it said about someone, "They are too heavenly minded to be any earthly good"? The Bible relates an excellent principle in dealing mercifully with others: "We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up." 17 The kind, loving and merciful thing to do is to "bear with the failings of the weak." When we catch ourselves adversely judging others, remember this: not one of us asked to be thrown into this imperfect world. Every one of us would trade imperfection for perfection in a heartbeat. As a rule, all of us are trying to do our best, with the knowledge, experience and resources that we possess at the moment. While we should not use this reasoning as an excuse for our actions, it does nevertheless explain why we sometimes do the things that we do. Rather than acting without thinking, it is important that we actually utilize our knowledge, experience and resources in life so as to minimize mistakes. Furthermore, every one of us has had to face tragedy in our lives. We all face hardships, frustrations, failings and disappointments on a regular, if not daily, basis. We all have to contend with the difficulties of life, not to mention the unique inner battle we each fight between right and wrong. Any idea of how much guilt we all carry? As discussed in Game Rule 3 on Guilt and Shame, nearly everyone burdens themselves with guilt over one thing or another. In turn, guilt leads to feelings of worthlessness, and sometimes down to a profound level. With knowing all that we individually bear, is there any question as to why we humans do the things that we do? Given the fact that we all make serious mistakes, it is only on rare occasions that humans are ever justified in displaying righteous indignation. Two examples of proper righteous indignation are that of child abuse and crimes against humanity. There is no moral basis to justify the harm of the innocent or genocide. Another area of religion that bears mention is the practice of shunning found among some fundamentalist groups. Shunning results from excommunication. It is an extreme form of ostracizing that is exercised toward former members by their own family and friends who are still practicing the religion. Some fundamentalist groups forbid members to say even a greeting to the ex-member, with the penalty of excommunication themselves for non-adherence. This practice is done in the name of mercy and discipline, as well as a method of keeping a sinner from infecting the congregation with their sins. But all too often, members are put out, not because they are wicked or disagree with the Bible, but because they made a mistake, and are wrongly perceived as a threat to the church and its members. While protecting a congregation from "wickedness" is a noble endeavor, upon close Biblical examination, the practice of shunning is not scripturally sound. Rather it is a form of mental, emotional and spiritual abuse as well as a means of guilt and fear motivation designed to control its members, and shame an ex-member back into conformity. The consequences of this immoral practice to the ex-member can be life shattering, because his or her entire social structure was built upon beliefs he or she once followed. If the ex-member was raised with these beliefs from childhood, then it is quite possible he or she has no friends and few, if any family members or relatives outside the former church. Everyone they knew and loved are required to take part in the shunning, (out of a sense of loyalty to their organization and under the penalty of excommunication themselves). Victims of this type of unloving, intolerant, inhumane and ungodly punishment may take years to re- cover emotionally and socially. They can easily experience depression, nightmares, loneliness and even suicide (believe me, it has happened!). The emotional trauma of losing one's entire family, as well as every friend they had ever known, can deliver a blow the person may never get over. Didn't Jesus say that the shepherd leaves the 99 to go after the one? Did he not regularly associate with sinners and tax collectors? Jesus stated: “Persons in health do not need a physician, but the ailing do. Go, then, and learn what this means, „I want mercy, and not sacrifice.‟ For I came to call, not righteous people, but sin- 18 ners." Did Jesus not teach true and active mercy? Was his intent to "save" and help people? or make their lives

17 Romans 15:1, 2 (NIV) 18 Matthew 9:12, 13 (NWT)

- 53 - harder by pushing them away? Did he endeavor to control others through guilt and shame, or to show loving kindness to those who desperately needed it? The Bible properly teaches that we should be careful in choosing our associates. 19 Obviously, if a person is dangerous in any way, common sense tells us to avoid association. But that decision is properly left up to each individual. As humans with God-given reasoning ability, conscience and free will, we do not need a religious organization to decide what is right or wrong for us. By means of our God-given conscience, we each possess the ability to discern what is moral and merciful, and should be allowed the freedom to do so. The Bible also says, "For the one that does not practice mercy will have his judgment without mercy. Mer- 20 cy exults triumphantly over judgment." Therefore, before we get too involved with judging others, we must remember that we too may be adversely judged in the end. The truly merciful thing to do is to show kindness and give others the benefit of the doubt.

"Things Aren't Always What They Seem" "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" is an old expression. But how appropriate it is within the context of mercy. We can always afford to give the benefit of the doubt to others at least once. If a person does not warrant the benefit of the doubt a second time, then we can make that decision at that time. The primary reason to give the benefit of the doubt is that things are not always as they seem. I heard an interesting story sometime back that illustrates this point. It was about two traveling angels who had stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the guesthouse. Instead, they were given a small space in the cold basement of the mansion. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem." The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had, the couple let the angels sleep in their own bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning, the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole means of income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel, "How could you have let this happen! The first man had everything, yet you helped him. The second family had little, but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die." The older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem. When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. Then, last night as we slept in the farmer's bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."

If we have seeming reason to be upset with someone else, it would do us good to find out the answer to the "Why?" question first. After all, "Things aren't always what they seem." Instead of jumping to conclusions, let us resolve to be kind to one another, to forgive freely, to overlook the imperfections of others, and not hasti- ly judge them. Sometimes, when principles are not involved, it's better to do the kind thing, instead of the right thing. Sometimes, doing the kind thing is the right thing. We can always afford to give the benefit of the doubt at least once, if not many, many times.

The bottom line is that every person is painfully aware of his or her own shortcomings. Every minute of every day, we have lurking in the backs of our minds our own legitimate as well as perceived inadequacies and deficiencies. These failings, real or imagined, guide our behaviors, moods and reactions to various stimuli from the outside world.

No wonder people act the way they do. Life is about learning how to deal with these failings in a positive way and eliminating them one by one until we have them under control. Then they cease to cause us to behave in ways that even we do not like.

19 1 Corinthians 15:33 (NWT) "Bad associations spoil useful habits." 20 James 2:13 (NWT)

- 54 - We all must understand that as a rule, most people do not scheme to deliberately hurt their fellow man or woman. Most people do not "sin" or make mistakes intentionally. It is usually because they are imperfect, and therefore, by nature, make mistakes.

Having arrived at this discovery, can we really hold animosity and hate in our hearts for others? We certainly may hate what people do, but we must admit that if people were cured of their dysfunction then they would behave in a proper way. And this includes us too.

Empathy as a Show of Mercy Do we as human beings have the authority to judge another human being? In view of the preceding discussion, the answer is flatly "No." We do not have the authority, much less the right, to judge another human, especially when we have not walked in their steps. Although we may have some knowledge of another's misery, we know nothing of what their suffering means to them. We know not of how their suffering affects them deep inside. We may not agree with their life style, but that does not matter—we still have no license to judge them. Longfellow very eloquently expressed the true spirit of mercy and compassion in the chapter quote above. In like manner, if we really take a compassionate and empathetic look at our fellow man or woman, can we not find kindness and mercy in our hearts for them in view of their "sorrow and suffering"? Instead of quickly jumping to conclusions about another's motives, we must first consider the human element, and what he or she may be dealing with. The Bible says, "For mere oppression may make a wise one act crazy." 21 people under stress do things that they otherwise would not do. If we embrace the preceding arguments in favor of displaying active mercy, then we can begin to feel empathy and compassion for others in their plight. After all, would we not want the same consideration from them? We must resist the inherent human tendency to minimize our own mistakes while maximizing the mistakes of others. Alexander Pope, an 18th century poet, also expressed the character of true mercy beautifully when he wrote:

"Teach me to feel another's woe, to hide the fault I see; The mercy I to others show, that mercy show to me."

In addition, this includes respect and empathy for all races. We are all human, and each culture has its own way of looking at things. The many differences in people and cultures offers no justifiable reason for intolerance and hate. No one on this planet has any more or less right to live and breathe than any other person. Moreover, each person has the same rights as anyone else to the good things life has to offer. Little else in our world compares with the unmerciful intolerance of different races. I deplore the expression "Colored," because we are all colored. It makes no difference whether you are white, black, brown, red, yellow, Caucasian, or Asian—or anything in between—we are all part of one human family. Furthermore, different colors always balance and enhance the whole picture only when they are shown together. In printing, a process is used in producing full color pictures called "color separation." The picture is first separated into each of it's four primary base colors, Magenta, Cyan, Yellow and Black. Then during printing, each color is printed in sequence to produce the final result. Interestingly, when you see the picture in just one of its primary colors, it looks quite odd. But once you overlay each color on top of one another, the full picture in all of its beauty comes through. Humans too, complement one another with individual diversity. Tho- mas Paine, a 17th century freethinker, expressed a beautiful attitude of mercy for us to display when he wrote, "The world is my country and to do good, my religion." •

21 Ecclesiastes 7:7 (NWT)

- 55 - So mercy, when combined with Free Will, truly is the mortar that cements humanity together! It is truly the stuff of greatness! Why not seize the opportunity to extend both active and passive mercy every time you see a need for it?

Mrs. Urioste Sums Up Feelings in Poem January 6, 1976; Denver (Colorado) Rocky Mt. News

Mrs. Lena Urioste, the wife of the New Mexico union leader sent to prison Monday, handed a sheet of paper to a reporter when asked for her feelings about her husband‟s sentence. On the paper, she had written the following poem:

Saints and Sinners

When some fellow yields to temptation, And breaks a conventional law, We look for no good in his makeup, But God, how we look for a flaw.

No one will ask, “How was he tempted?” Nor allow for the battles he‟s fought; His name becomes food for the jackals; For us who have never been caught.

“He has sinned!” we shout from the housetops. We forget the good he has done. We center on ONE lost battle And forget the ones he has won.

“Come. Gaze on the sinner,” we thunder. “And by his example be taught “That his footsteps lead to destruction,” Cry we who have never been caught.

I‟m a sinner, O Lord, and I know it. I‟m weak, I blunder, I fail. I‟m tossed on life‟s stormy ocean Like a ship embroiled in a gale.

I‟m willing to trust in thy mercy; To keep the commandments thou‟st taught. But deliver me, Lord, from the judgment Of saints who have never been caught.

- 56 - MAXIMS ON MERCY

• "We hand folks over to God's mercy, and show none ourselves." —George Eliot

• "Sweet mercy is nobility's true badge." —William Shakespeare

• "We may imitate the Deity in all His moral attributes, but mercy is the only one in which we can pre- tend to equal Him. We cannot, indeed, give like God, but surely we may forgive like Him." —Sterne

• "I could not think of going into eternity with the blood of the poor young man [on sentry duty] on my skirts. It is not to be wondered at the boy, raised on a farm, probably in the habit of going to bed at dark, should, when required to watch, fall asleep; and I cannot consent to shoot him for such an act." — Abraham Lincoln

• "How would you be, if He, who is the top of judgment, should but judge you as you are? O, think on that, and mercy then will breathe within your lips, like man new made." —Shakespeare

• "Mercy turns her back on the unmerciful." —Quarles

• "He that has tasted the bitterness of sin fears to commit it; and he that hath felt the sweetness of mercy will fear to offend it. Mercy to him that shows it, is the rule." —Cowper

• "Who will not mercy unto others show, how can he mercy ever hope to have?" —Spenser

- 57 -

THE NATURE OF SUCCESS

"Do what you should do, when you should do it.” — Adapted from a quote by Thomas H. Huxley

ONE day a wealthy man took his son on a trip to the countryside where he could show him how poor people lived. They spent a day and a night with a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the man asked his son, "So, how did you like the trip?"

"It was great Dad!" cried his son.

"Did you see how poor people can be?" his father asked.

"Yeah!" said his son.

"And what did you learn?" asked his father.

The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We have a pool that extends to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden, and they have the stars. Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have the whole horizon. Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!"

His father was speechless.

This story well illustrates the true nature of success. What one person calls success, another may not. Isn't it true that success depends on the way we look at things?

What Success Is and What it Is Not I asked my wife, Tracy, what she thought the definition of success was. I was impressed with what she told me:

"Success means knowing that you tried your best to accomplish something despite your fears, doubts and lack of guaranteed assurance that it would succeed. Success is knowing in your heart that the journey will be worthwhile, regardless of the outcome. Success is being able to go to sleep at night knowing you did your best that day to be a good parent, husband, wife, brother, sister or friend. Suc- cess means never gnawing over past mistakes—only resolving to not repeat them. Success is knowing that you have grown as a person this day, and will do so every day. If you have a positive impact on even one other person's life, you are a success."

She then added:

"Success is not limited to material acquisitions. While we have an obligation to provide material comforts for our family, success can never be measured by such standards. The expensive houses, cars, clothes and jewelry everyone owns, could all be removed in an instant—through an act of nature or some freak accident. But when the people around us—friends and family—can honestly say that their

- 58 - lives are better with us in it, that is a gift and measure of success no person on this earth can tamper with, just as no person on earth can give us that gift if we haven't earned it by the way we live."

What a delightful description of what success is and is not! It is important that we do not view success in a purely monetary light. There is so much more to true success than money or career advancement! True success engenders happiness and is directly related to the meaning in our life. True success covers every aspect of our life, and likewise, we should measure our success by many factors, not just one. Measuring success can be likened to the gauges on the dashboard of a car. Which gauge would you say is the most important? Most people answer, "The fuel gauge." However, is this really true? What happens if you have a full tank, but your engine is overheating? or the oil pressure drops? It is plain to see that all of the gauges are important because each one tells you something different about the operation of your vehicle. The same is true concerning our success. Each successful area of our lives tells us something different about our overall success. For example, if we are financially successful, but our marriage or family is falling apart as a result, could we truly say that we are successful in life? It becomes clear then, that without balanced success, life's meaning fades. To be truly successful, we should pursue success in three primary areas, Spiritually, Physically/Mentally and Financially. Take a closer look at all three.

1) Spiritually. Spiritual success is the most important of the three areas to finding meaning in life. It involves all types of success that do not fall into the Physical/Mental or Financial realm. It means adding to the woodpile of life, and helping others as you are able. It is opening your heart to embrace compassion for all humanity. It includes consistently and regularly growing as a person (as I trust you are doing by reading this book!). It also can involve religious pursuits if you are so inclined. Spiritual success demands embracing life's battles head on, and coming through victorious. It means rais- ing children to the best of our ability, and helping them to be well-adjusted adults. It means working to enjoy a happy and fulfilling marriage and family, as well as friendships. The greater our spiritual success, the more greatness we have to deliver and the more meaning we find in life.

2) Physically and Mentally. Physical success is easy to quantify, because we all know it involves being healthy, eating right, regular exercise and getting enough sleep. We grow physically by living right and not succumbing to self-destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse or codependence. Mental success involves adding to our knowledge of life. We gain mental success by stretching our "mental muscles" frequently to avoid mental atrophy. We stretch our mind by increasing our knowledge in our ca- reers or other pursuits, as well as searching for creative answers to life's puzzling questions.

3) Financially. This is the traditional aspect people usually think of when they think about success. Financial success obviously includes business and career success. It also includes successful money/asset management. While financial success should not to be minimized, it needs to be understood in perspective. Think about this: If we were dying from an illness, would our money or career be of any real importance? What good is money if we are dying? In such a tragic situation as dying, the only things that really matter are our family and friends, how we lived, and the contribution that we made while we were able. We also do not want to manage our financial affairs in a dishonest way, for it will spoil us when all is said and done. Part of success in life, is knowing where to draw the line between the truly important things, and those that are not really important in the end. To be truly successful in life, we must be successful in all three areas in a balanced way.

One of Life's Greatest Lessons Among the greatest of all the noble lessons in life is reflected in the quote above by Thomas H. Huxley. "Do what you should do, when you should do it.” There are simply no truer words when it comes to being successful in anything. This fundamental Game Rule of Life applies no matter what we endeavor or what journey we embark upon. Whether making a living, completing a project, or just living successfully from day to day, this principle applies. This is one of the first Game Rules that we should teach our children as they grow. And

- 59 - as they learn to make application of this principle of life, they will be better positioned to make a success of their lives. If we meditate upon this Game Rule, we begin to see how much sense it makes. We can have guaranteed success in anything we attempt, if we do what ought to be done, and at the time it should be done. The biggest challenge here is sometimes knowing exactly what should be done, and/or knowing exactly when we should do it. For example, many people have taken advantage of the rising stock market in recent years, especially back during the 1990's. With such a bull market raging, it is not too difficult to pick quality companies in which to invest. A bigger dilemma for some has been the right time to sell because no one can foretell the future. Because of this, many, many investors end up buying high and selling low—exactly opposite of how it should be done. In life, we may not know what we should do, let alone when we should do it. Things can get hazy and out of focus. One of the purposes of this book is to help you regain your focus and direction. In past chapters we have discussed several methods of dealing with choices and decisions that we all must make. If we are having trouble with seeing things clearly, then we must re-evaluate the basic questions of what, why, where, when, and how as they pertain to our situation. Many of life's questions don't have easy answers. The whole point is that we must explore those questions until we discover the answers to them. It is an individual journey. But strictly speaking, by doing the right thing at the right time, we will achieve our objective. We should make every effort to become better in determining the "what" and "when" aspects. In addition to the chapter quote by Huxley, my other favorite definition of success is: "Being able to do what you want, when you want." We really need to be financially secure to make this work. And by financially secure, I mean the ability to go month to month without worrying about how we'll make it financially and with enough money left over so we can reasonably do what we want, when we want.

Characteristics of Success For well over a decade, I have been keenly interested in why certain people are successful and others are not. In searching for answers to success, I have asked many a businessperson what made them successful. Very few could tell me a single thing that they did to be successful. They just seem to know what to do instinctively. So, I took it upon myself to make a study of my own to see what I would find. The following 25 traits and characteristics of successful people are what I discovered. Not every person had every quality in full measure, but they all possessed all of the qualities to some degree or another. Interestingly, I found that these characteristics transcend monetary and financial boundaries into all aspects of success in life.

1) Successful People Love What They Do, and Do What They Love. Successful people know what they want from life. They have a driving reason to get up in the morning. They thoroughly enjoy doing what they have chosen, whether a career, volunteer work or a hobby. This is perhaps the most fundamental trait of success, because when you love what you do, you find that motivation is usually strong, and success usually follows.

2) Successful People Have a Plan for Living. Successful people have a Life Vision in addition to a Plan for Liv- ing (see Life Rule 1 for guidelines on building your own plan). They see very clearly the goals and objectives they are working toward. They regularly update their life plan, so it is always fresh and current regarding changing circumstances. Without a Plan for Living, the best we can hope for is to wander aimlessly through life.

3) Successful People Manage Their Lives and Their Time. They are not enslaved to too many things. They recognize that having too many demands actually is no different than being taken hostage. Since successful people manage themselves well, they put necessary boundaries on their precious time. They understand that each one of us is credited with exactly 168 hours per week—no more, no less. How each person uses that allotted time contributes to, or steals away from his or her success. They use their time wisely for worthwhile pursuits, such as family, career/business and personal.

4) Successful People Know Themselves Well. They endeavor to be the master of their own ship. They know their own strengths and weaknesses, and adjust their course accordingly. They use whatever gifts they

- 60 - possess to perpetuate their success. They know themselves well enough to avoid patterns and approaches in which they are weak, and exploit those in which they are strong.

5) Successful People Invest in Themselves. They are always looking for ways to improve their knowledge and understanding of life and career. They take advantage of seminars, workshops, and training in areas of deficiency. They realize they will never know it all, but this doesn't dissuade them from trying.

6) Successful People Have Confidence in Themselves and the Value They Offer. Their amazing confidence shows itself in all they do, whether walking, talking, helping someone or anything else. They are confident enough to tactfully tell it like it is, that is, telling a friend or client what is in his or her best interest without regard to getting or losing the friendship or business, or some other favor. Sometimes their confidence may come off to certain other people as arrogance or superiority. I have found that people who have little or no self-esteem, are often threatened by others who are self-confident.

7) Successful People Are Leaders. As a rule, successful people are leaders and achievers, not followers. While successful people entertain different perspectives from others, they make their own decisions. They are not afraid to lead the way into uncharted territory. Sometimes others follow, sometimes they don't. But it makes little difference to a successful person who is used to the loneliness that being a leader sometimes brings.

8) Successful People Are Problem-Solvers. They tackle problems with intelligence and emotional- detachment. They look for creative solutions to problems, and don't dismiss radical alternatives if necessary. Even though they may feel fear at times, they never allow their fear to prevent them from implementing those alternatives and solutions. They weigh the pros and cons to any given situation, then make a decision and move forward.

9) Successful People Are Single-Minded. They have a forward focus on their vision, a forward bent. They even walk with purpose and direction. They possess abundant energy and enthusiasm for what they do, and life in general. They have forward momentum.

10) Successful People Have Drive. Since they have a clearly defined Life Vision and Plan for Living, they do not lack motivation—they are driven by their dream. They gain intense satisfaction from all their endeavors. They create their own luck. 11) Successful People Do What Has to Be Done, When It Has to Be Done. They recognize and apply this primary law of success in all they do. This in turn, fuels their success, because they know that to ignore necessary things leads to failure in those endeavors. They apply the wise words: "When there is a hill to climb, don't think that waiting will make it smaller" (Author Unknown).

12) Successful People Take Responsibility for Themselves and Their Success. Successful people accept personal responsibility for whatever they do, good or bad. When they are successful, they rightly take credit. When they fail or make a mistake, they accept responsibility without blaming others. They learn the lesson of their failing, and resume the relentless pursuit of their dream.

13) Successful People Try New Ways and Approaches. Without hesitation, successful people give up what isn't working, and look for what will. It is a trial & error process. They exercise foresight and deal with whatever unexpected events occur when they happen. They are never satisfied with doing things the same old way, when there may be a better way to do it. They are always brainstorming for new and fresh ideas that will work better than before. In my own experience as a business owner, I always felt that there was the perfect idea lurking out there somewhere that would add to my success if only I could identify it or pluck it out of the air somehow. I knew it existed, I just had to uncover it with creative thinking.

14) Successful People Welcome and Embrace Change. They realize and appreciate that change is inevitable. They know that change must happen if progress is to be made. They appreciate that with change come beneficial life lessons. Change keeps them fresh and responsive, and prevents stagnation. They tune into

- 61 - "change indicators" and trends to stay abreast of their market and business. They use change to springboard to ever-greater challenges and successes.

15) Successful People Are Not Afraid to Take Calculated Risks. By taking risks, they refuse to hold back from shattering any attitudes that others unjustifiably hold on to. They carefully consider the necessary risks of going a certain direction, but they are not afraid to stick their neck out or go out on a limb if they are reasonably certain of success (and sometimes even when they aren't certain of anything!). They are smart enough to learn from their mistakes. By "Doing what they fear most, they control fear" (Author Un- known).

16) Successful People Are Committed—They Never "Try," They "Do". They know what it means to be fully committed to their dream. They make things happen and accomplish much. Successful people "Do or Die." They don't know that they cannot succeed, so they go out and succeed anyway. They may have mo- ments of uncertainty where they think they shouldn't have gone this far, but they don't listen to those thoughts! In my own business experience, I am very glad that I didn't know what I was getting myself in- to, because if I did, I wouldn't have done it, and I would have missed out on many years of intensely bene-

ficial lessons about life and business. Elinor Smith, who set several women's records in early aviation while still in her teens, and also author of The Aviatrix, 22 wrote, "It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things." Elinor Smith is a splendid example of living by her own words. She never tried—she did.

17) Successful People Face Life Head-on. They live life as they choose, and control their own destiny. They also do what has to be done, regardless of the consequences. They take the attitude that legendary Admir- al David Farragut (commander of a fleet of Union ships) took in August 1864. As his fleet stormed into the bay over Confederate mines (torpedoes) to seize one of the South‟s last remaining ports, he cried out: "Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead!" Successful people take life as it comes—head on—bruises and all. And they never let problems or fear cause them to quit or turn around from seeing their dream ful- filled.

18) Successful People Possess "Persistent Resilience." These qualities enable them to bounce back after failures and mistakes. They always look at failure as a learning experience, not a barrier. They deal with failures or setbacks by: 1) retreating, and then 2) regrouping by reassessing themselves and the situation, and then 3) attacking again. Through "persistent resilience," they keep getting up again and again every time they fall. I have come to know from experience that persistent resilience always wins. Ask yourself: Who is more persistent, me? or the problem?

19) Successful People Have Personal Integrity. Two primary qualities of integrity, are honesty and sincerity. Not every successful person is necessarily honest, but truly successful people always are, and they find deep personal satisfaction in knowing this. Moreover, they are sincere in their efforts, not trying to "put something over on others." Therefore, in dealing with others, whether friends or clients, the successful person will inform them of "the good, the bad and the ugly" if it concerns the business or personal interests of the other person. They are above-board with all, and have the other person's best interests at heart. Never underestimate the power of integrity. People do business with those whom they like and trust. If you are trustworthy, then make sure you show it through your honesty and sincerity. If you are not, the people you temporarily deceive will tell everyone they know, and whatever success you enjoyed will not only be limited, but it will be devoid of any substance, simply a veneer covering what really exists inside you.

20) Successful People Make You Feel as if You Are the Most Important Person in the Universe. Have you ever seen this wonderful quality in a successful person? It's much more than just an attitude, it is who they are

22 Harcourt Brace, 1981

- 62 - and what they do. They just seem to shower you with genuine interest and attention. They look in your eyes when speaking, because their whole interest is on you at the moment. They are excited to talk to you, which is evident by their vocal tone. Their sincerity engenders friendship; it pulls you toward them. These people seem to enjoy the favor of almost everyone, and are well spoken of. Caution: a danger exists in being artificial. Showing others an intense, but momentary and superficial interest, may lead them to believe that you like and accept them, but it will backfire. People will quickly see through moodiness and insincerity. Making others feel important is not just a technique to manipulate people, it must be sincere and consistent.

21) Successful People Understand Human Nature. On a business level, successful people know that their business is simply a means to an end. They recognize that consumers don't really want products, they want what the products do for them. For example, people do not want toothpaste; they want white teeth and a healthy mouth. With this understanding, successful people maintain the right perspective and market in the proper manner. However, understanding human nature goes much deeper than the products they buy. It involves knowing how to "read" people; knowing what motivates them; understanding how to make them happy with you or your product; and diligently working to resolve conflicts. It involves knowing how to get along with others, not insisting on your own way of doing things, but treating others with dignity, and respect. It means being "down to earth" enough to discern what motivates people to do the things they do. Much is involved in understanding human nature, but it comes with experience and making an effort to do so.

22) Successful People Are Communicators. You always know where you stand, because successful people can be taken at face value. They use tact, and don't beat around the bush. The meaning of what they say comes through loud and clear, because their speech is articulate, and easily understood. They don‟t speak con- descendingly or talk over anyone's head. They take great interest in being communicators and expressing their own thoughts and feelings fluently. They are "tuned in" when conversing with others. They realize that a vital aspect to communication is listening; and they listen better than they speak. They put forth every effort to make sure no misunderstandings occur, but if so, they correct them quickly.

23) Successful People Have Presence of Mind. They are mentally sharp because they exercise their mind, and consequently, they remember things, like people's names. They are deep thinkers, and apply that deep thinking to life. They have learned how to use the knowledge they have gained, and have a worldly perspective, which they add to by exploring other people's perspectives and then filling any gaps they discern in themselves.

24) Successful People Have Presence and Presentation. You can always detect a successful person, because they are professional, sophisticated and charismatic. They are the kind of people that you notice when they enter a room. They carry themselves well—in a confident manner. They have a certain pride in themselves and their physical appearance, such as clothing and grooming. They are never disheveled. This "presence" comes through self-belief, confidence and knowing who they are within.

25) Successful People Are Intuitive. One of the most powerful traits of a successful person is his or her ability to use intuition. Intuition comes from extensive experience in life, and in conquering difficulties. When endeavoring to expand his or her business (or some other life matter), the successful person intuitively knows the direction to go. Many times the only support he or she has that a certain approach will work, is simply a "gut feeling." But successful people have come to trust and rely on their intuition, for it rarely fails them. This quality of intuition is a beauty on their part, and a prize to be sought after and acquired.

Please ponder these 25 characteristics of success; look for them in successful people you know; learn from and emulate these people. Apply the good things you observe in your own life.

- 63 - It Is Never Too Late to Start! No matter what our record of accomplishment has been up until now, it is never too late to start donning the traits of success! Success is a daily effort and a journey, not an end. Therefore, age should not matter when we are striving for success. It is sad when a person feels like they are too old to make any difference. One man I know has told me a number of times that he is "on the decline," meaning that he only has a short time left, so he is hesitant to pursue anything that would add meaning to his life and give him satisfaction. He uses the excuse that he is tired, but I know that he is simply uninspired and unchallenged. The interesting thing about it is, he is only 67 years old, has no real health problems, and is an intelligent, even brilliant man. He could easily get more out of life by writing a book on the topics of his professional expertise, but he thinks it would be too much work. It is unfortunate that people like this completely miss the true value of themselves to the world. On the other hand, some people refuse to let life get them down permanently. A case in point is a very plea- sant person I know named Gladys. One day, she told me an inspiring story:

"When I was 52 years old, all I had was a broken marriage, a car and $27 in my pocket as I moved from North Carolina to Florida. That was in the early 1960's. My sister owned a bar in town and I worked there to make ends meet. I also started a small nursery, using a little piece of land that my sister loaned me near her bar. Once I had built up the nursery business a little, I bought my own piece of land. I then worked very hard to build up my business, working many nights. As my business grew, I bought surrounding property, in addition to property elsewhere in the country. I bought everything with cash, nothing on credit. I succeeded through sheer determination."

Though you would never think it, Gladys is now almost 90 years old, doing well and is very comfortable financially. Although Gladys credits sheer determination for her success, I credit her with far more. In my observation, Gladys also has a keen sense of justice, in addition to her good, down to earth business sense. She has striven to treat people right in her dealings. She has often done the kind thing to people, instead of unmerci- fully holding to the "right thing," when circumstances warranted. Generosity has played a big role in her success as a human being. She has refused to back down in areas of principle, many times standing up as an ad- vocate for those worse off than her. She has that "Down South" sense of goodness and hospitality. She takes people at face value, but has the ability to discern what really makes people tick. Rarely is she fooled by someone with less than honest intentions. The point of both of these stories is that we can always be successful, no matter how old or where we are at in life. It all depends upon our attitude. Abraham Lincoln said: "Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing." • Don't allow a poor attitude to adversely affect the pursuit of your dream. Try to emulate other successful people you know of. Use the Characteristics of Success above to strengthen your nature, and thereby, enjoy success in all aspects of life. But you must resolve to be successful! Take hold of it! Demand it! In the spirit of Elinor Smith Sullivan above, don't let life just happen to you, go out and happen to life! And as you "happen" to life, imitate Admiral Farragut, as well. With passion and total conviction say, "Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead!" Never let your dream die for any reason! Then and only then, will you be assured of success!

- 64 -

MAXIMS ON SUCCESS

• "There is only one success—to be able to spend your life in your own way." —Christopher Morley

• "It is possible to commit no mistake and still lose. That is not a weakness, that is life." —Jean Luc Pi- card, (from Star Trek)

• "We struggle along with what we have, where we are; and a lot of times we can‟t see where we are going, but we never know when a tiny seed sown will come to harvest." —Dr. Ernest A. Fitzgerald, How To Be A Successful Failure

• "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." —Grantland Rice

• "The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed." —Lloyd Jones

• "The saddest failures in life are those that come from not putting forth the power and will to succeed." —E. P. Whipple

• "The last of the great freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." —Viktor Frankl

• "Faith that the thing can be done is essential to any great achievement." — Thomas N. Carruther

• "Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence." —Vince Lombardi

- 65 -

GETTING AND STAYING MOTIVATED

"We know nothing about motivation. All we can do is write books about it." —Peter Drucker

IT is very interesting to study what does and what does not motivate people. Some are motivated by poverty, some by money. Some are motivated by love, others by hate. Still others find motivation by giving back to the world, while yet others are motivated by selfishly taking from the world. Some desire to understand and define motivation, as I do here. But the truth is, it can be very difficult to really understand what motivates a person. As a rule, motivation stems from intense inner belief in oneself and ones' dream. When we have intense belief in what we are doing and the value of it to others, we usually can't help but be motivated. In the field of sales, motivation is essential. Sales people must come to know themselves well enough to determine what really motivates them. Anytime we are in a career that involves direct selling to others, motivation must remain high. A lack of motivation can be the death knell to a sales career. Many otherwise effective and competent salespeople have seen a decline in their success due to a lack of motivation. When we lose our motivation, a once promising and enjoyable career can become a person's own living hell. In sales, call reluctance and avoidance behavior are symptoms resulting from a lack of motivation, which itself is a symptom of yet another cause. Call reluctance occurs when a salesperson is disinclined to make calls. Since selling is essentially a numbers game, call reluctance can seriously reduce performance or kill a career. Avoidance behavior is an aspect of call reluctance. With avoidance behavior, an unmotivated salesperson spends time doing every other "important" thing except the most important one—making calls. By the salesperson's behavior, he or she avoids what really has to be done, and at the time it should be done. Therefore, the salesperson is not nearly as effective or successful as he or she could be. This likely has a domino effect in the person's personal life, because if few sales calls are made, then commissions are low, which in turn leads to financial problems, which in turn can lead to family and marital problems. Furthermore, the company they work for also feels the effects of a reduced bottom line due to decreased income while still having the expenses associated with the salesperson.

How to Find and Keep Your Motivation As I mentioned above, a lack of motivation in itself is a symptom of an underlying problem. In order to get motivated and overcome call reluctance or any other lack of motivation, we must cut right to the core of the problem. Many times when we are unmotivated, we are simply uninspired; nothing in life really moves us within; we cease to find challenge and meaning in our lives. I believe that motivation can be reduced to a common denominator: humans tend to move away from pain, and gravitate toward pleasure. We all make time to do what we really like to do, but never find as much

- 66 - time to do what we really hate. So it seems that when a person is doing what they love and are finding rich meaning in his or her life, then motivation is usually not a problem. Have you ever experienced a lack of motivation? We all have at one point or another in our lives, or regarding one thing or another. If you feel unmotivated in your career or life, ask yourself, "What would have to change in order for me to get motivated?" Answering this question may take some time as well as some soul searching. You may have to consider and confront necessary changes in order to become motivated again, which is good. Why live your life without passion or motivation? As you consider the above question, here are eight characteristics of motivation that may provoke you to thought and thereby aid you to regain your motivation. Incidentally, some of these traits are neutral—they can either motivate or de-motivate, depending on your perspective. You will also notice that some of these motivational traits are similar to the Characteristics of Success in Game Rule 7, in fact, they are intertwined. It is not sur- prising this is the case, as successful people are also quite motivated. 23

1) Live Your Dream. I have found this to be the primary motivator or de-motivator in life. Albert Einstein said, "We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about." If you are not involved with doing something that truly excites you, then you are not likely to be as motivated toward success. Are you living your dream? Everyone has a dream inside that is unique to them. With the uncertainties of life, it is a tragedy indeed for a person to never realize that which could add great meaning to his or her life. To be truly motivated, obey your calling, live your dream!

2) Feeling Good. When we don't feel physically good most of the time, we can become de-motivated. There are several reasons why this may be the case. One reason might simply be our life pattern, e.g. eating and drinking in moderation, and getting the appropriate amount of sleep each night. Chemical imbalances can lead to depression that can drain us partially, or completely as well. Other things can cause us to feel below par much of the time, including food allergies and other types of allergies. If you do not feel good most of the time, it is hard to get really motivated about life. If this describes you, then seek medical help immediately. The sooner you do, the sooner you can start feeling good!

3) Have Objectives, Plan for Life. You have probably noticed by now that I have emphasized the importance of having a Life Vision and Plan for Living quite a few times (and I am not done yet!). This process simply cannot be over-emphasized. The truth is, that if you don't plan your life, you will never attain the level or quality of success that you are capable of. If you have not gone through the Plan for Living exercise, then it will be difficult for you to crystallize your true motivations. 24

4) Believe in Yourself and the Value You Offer. There is no greater asset than self-belief. If you do not believe in yourself and the value of what you are doing, then why should anyone else? There is simply no substi- tute for self-belief. It has tremendous power to propel us through the adversities of life. One writer said, "Take control of your destiny. Believe in yourself. Ignore those who try to discourage you. Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits. Don't give up and don't give in." —Wanda Carter

5) To the Greatest Extent Possible, Do Not Allow Yourself to Be Encumbered By Problems. Unnecessary problems can arise from your own attitude or acceptance of circumstances you could otherwise change. Intense personal problems can injure or destroy your motivation. Likewise, so can problems at work. Use the principles in this book, such as those on Free Will, Adversity and Mercy, to overcome any attitudes that may de-motivate you.

6) Your Pain, Your Hunger. Pain can be a powerfully motivating or de-motivating force. If you are unhappy about your situation, be it personal or financial, your pain can drive you on to great accomplishments

23 A further discussion of several of these characteristics can also be found in Game Rule 12, Greatness to Deliver. 24 See Life Rule 1 for guidelines on building your own Plan for Living.

- 67 - where little else can. Sometimes, your pain may immobilize you too. But I have found that when my own pain gets bad enough, I get fed up and motivated to make changes. It is important to channel your pain in the proper direction. One way to make the most of any pain you may feel, is to define it in your Focus List (pages 41, 42). When you define that which pains you, you get it out on the table as it were; have an opportunity to "touch" it, feel it, "taste" it, and get motivated by it. You cease to cave in to any fear of the pain, because you see it for what it is. Closely related to pain as a motivating force, is hunger. Not necessarily the physical kind, but a long- ing for something better in one's life. This inner hunger can motivate us to reach the stars and never give up, especially when it is born of high virtue.

7) Believe You Will Gain Benefits. If you believe that you are in a dead-end job, your motivation will die as a result. If this is true, do yourself and your employer a favor, and make plans to quit and move on to a more rewarding career in harmony with your life dream. Additionally, if you are not earning what you're worth, it can sap your motivation also. It's hard to be motivated if you can't pay the bills. But you can also find great motivation from the pain of making too little income if you adjust your sails and move in a different direction. In a Michigan State University study, 97% of the faculty members and staff who bet $40 that they could stay with a six-month exercise program were successful. Only 19% of a non-betting group stayed with their six-month program. 25 The point is, we must feel like there is some benefit to our objective, or we will not strive as hard.

8) Continue to Gain Knowledge and Experience. If you are in a career that requires extensive product knowledge, the feeling that you are not really qualified can be a big de-motivator. The obvious solution is to gain whatever knowledge you lack. Then you won't harbor the fear any longer. Speaking of fear, one unknown author wrote, "Remember that the more you know, the less you fear," and I could add, "the less you fear, the more you are motivated." Conversely, fear can also be a great motivator. The instinctive "fight or flight" human response can come into play. This can move you to action if you fear poverty, feel like you are missing out on your dream, or have other fears associated with life.

These eight points can really help us with getting and staying motivated, if we apply them. Victor Hugo wrote: "People do not lack strength; they lack will." The reason people lack will is because they haven't discovered what motivates them. Figuring out what motivates you can take time and self-scrutiny. You must honestly come face to face with what does or does not motivate you, and then conform to whatever solutions you came up with. Never underestimate the power of motivation or de-motivation.

25 MSC Health Action News, April, 1993

- 68 -

MAXIMS ON MOTIVATION

• "I have come to the conclusion that my subjective account of my motivation is largely mythical on almost all occasions. I don't know why I do things." — J. B. S. Haldane

• "Too much planning and not enough „do‟ will leave you miserable, defeated and impoverished too." —Author

• "He who has a firm will molds the world to himself." —Goethe

• "Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong." —Ella Fitzgerald

• "You must do the thing you think you cannot do." —Eleanor Roosevelt

• "If you learn to set a good sail, the wind that blows will always take you to the dreams you want, the income you want, and the treasures of mind, purse, and soul you want." —Jim Rohn

• "Success follows doing what you want to do. There is no other way to be successful." —Malcom Forbes

• "The only lifelong, reliable motivations are those that come from within, and one of the strongest of those is the joy and pride that grow from knowing that you've just done something as well as you can do it." —Lloyd Dobens and Clare Crawford-Mason

• Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it. - Lou Holtz

- 69 -

GAINING MOMENTUM

THE LAW OF MOMENTUM:

When you are down, the universe works to keep you down. When you are up, the universe works to keep you up.

BACK on July 20, 1969, I remember watching Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walk on the moon for the first time in history. It was broadcast live to the world on television. I was only 10 years old then, but it fasci- nated me, and filled my imagination with exciting possibilities. It was truly an amazing accomplishment for humankind. I have always marveled at the power necessary to lift such a huge rocket into space. Twelve years later, the first Shuttle was launched in the early morning of April 12, 1981, which I also watched on live television. As Columbia lifted off, I was again amazed at the power involved to overcome earth's gravity and send it into orbit. It is interesting to compare the power necessary to lift a rocket into orbit, with that of lifting ourselves into the orbit of success in life. With this in mind, let's examine and compare the two, and note the lessons contained therein.

Facts and Lessons on Momentum 1) Inertia. For the Shuttle to leave the ground, it must overcome inertia. Sir Isaac Newton's first law of motion describes inertia. It states that a body at rest tends to remain at rest, and a body in motion tends to keep moving at the same speed and in a straight line. In order to move a resting body or to stop a moving body, an external action called a "force," is required. The tendency of a body to remain at rest or, once moving, to remain in motion is inertia. The inertia of a body is related to its mass. Bodies that are more massive possess greater inertia than bodies with less mass. In order to achieve the necessary momentum, the Space Shuttle, weighing over 4.5 million pounds at lift- off, must develop about seven million pounds of thrust. This makes sense, because according to Newton's law, the more mass that is involved, the more force is required to move it. Lesson: In our lives, we also must overcome inertia in order to achieve success. It will quite likely require unusual effort in the beginning to launch our dream, but there is no way around this fact. If our dream is own- ing our own business, it will take extraordinary effort the first few years. Once we have supplied that initial "thrust" of hard work, then less effort is required to maintain our momentum. However, if we never provide that initial thrust, or if our effort is less than enough, then we will not realize our goal. If we have been unmotivated in the past, we must now determine what truly excites and motivates us, so we can "blast off" in the right direction. By going through the process of identifying our true motivations and potential solutions to realizing them, we begin to build up the necessary thrust to get us off our launch pad. By resolving to continue our efforts, we work to build up the momentum that will see us through to our objective.

2) Stage Technology. With most current and past space vehicles, Stage Technology has been required to get the vehicle successfully into orbit. With the Space Shuttle, two solid-rocket boosters provide most of the thrust for the first two minutes of flight (some 5.8 million pounds combined). Once they are used up, they are jettisoned and fall into the ocean. After this, the primary engines continue to carry the Shuttle the rest of the way, fueled

- 70 - by the huge external tank. Again, because of inertia much more force is required to get the Shuttle off the ground, but once it is going, not quite as much force is required. Without Stage Technology, the vehicle would not reach orbit. Lesson: As we launch our dreams, we will find that our success will go in stages. When we get to a certain level of success, we must build on that success to get ourselves to the next level. So how do we build on our successes? Or what if we feel that we really have no successes to build on? When I was in my late teens, my dad told me that I should wisely use the next ten years or so to educate myself and gain career experience because, as he said, "a person's twenties are largely a waste." What he was saying is that few people really "set the world on fire" during their 20's, so I should use that time wisely to prepare for later on, especially in the areas of education and career experience. In essence, the 20's are a time to really use Stage Technology in attaining goals and objectives that will only likely come during one's 30's, 40's and beyond. This may sound strange to you if you are in your teens or 20's, but I found it to be very true. If we have no real success to build on so far, this is the best time of our lives to start. As I look back over my 41 years, I have come to believe that every trial, every adversity, every lesson as well as every positive event have been stages in my efforts to achieve "orbit." The difficulties of starting and successfully operating my own business taught me a lot about the intricacies of such things as hiring good people, cash flow, good customer service, management and a host of other valuable lessons. These experiences were "stages" along the way to even more successes to come. Every time we endure hardship, we can use the experience—just as a rocket uses a stage—to propel us even farther. If we have enjoyed success in our endeavors, we can capitalize on that success to also propel us farther. Use techniques that have proven successful in one endeavor, to be successful in the next. Once a person has amassed many years of experience along with adversity and hardship, then he or she uses those lessons to reach orbit and beyond. We must never allow difficulties to cause us to blow up in mid-flight.

3) Escaping Orbit. Unlike the Space Shuttle, some spacecraft have missions to explore space outside of earth's orbit. Voyager probes 1 and 2, launched in 1977, are good examples. Once the spacecraft achieves orbit, it will need to increase its speed to seven miles per second to escape earth's gravity. The earth's gravity is used to help accomplish this by using a slingshot technique to launch it out into space. You might say, therefore, that reaching orbit was just a temporary step along the way to fulfilling its ultimate mission. Lesson: Once we have provided the necessary effort to begin realizing our goal, we may also have attained some success along the way by getting into "orbit." However, the question is, "Are we done yet?" Have we really attained all that we wanted? If not, we must use the "orbit" that we have already achieved, to catapult us on to further aspects of our goal. Again, some further effort will be required so that we can reach the necessary "speed" to escape the limiting bounds of where we are now.

4) Adjusting Course Along the Way. Once a space probe has left orbit, its course is set so that it rendezvous' with the planet at the right place and time. This is critical if the mission is to be successful. The interesting thing about it is that the space probe is sent in a direction that the planet will be when the probe gets there. In other words, if you just aim the probe at where the planet currently is, the planet will have moved a considerable distance in its orbit by the time the probe gets there. There would be no realistic way of constantly adjusting course to compensate, nor would it make any sense. So the probe is sent in the proper direction from the out- set. This is not to say that minor course corrections may not become necessary, especially when the probe is visiting more than one planet. When a probe, such as Voyager, is scheduled to visit several planets, the flyby of each planet both accelerates the spacecraft and bends its flight path. Without these gravity assists, Voyager's flight time to Neptune would have taken 30 years, instead of 12 years. So Mission Control issues new commands to alter course as needed. Lesson: Using foresight, we must identify where our objective will be in the future. That means knowing enough about our objective to determine the course we must take to get there. We also must be flexible enough to change our course when necessary. And that means listening to the "commands" that come along from outside indicators or from our own intuition. This is why my dad told me to get the most education and expe-

- 71 - rience possible during my 20's because this would support reaching my objectives still many years ahead. Don't be afraid to alter course if it means a better and quicker flight path.

Summary: Sometimes problems can arise in the pursuit of our goal or dream. The attitude we take regarding those obstacles will affect our outcome. Rather than allowing problems to force us to breakup and crash, use them instead to gain momentum and speed in the same way a space probe uses the gravitational field of a planet to accelerate it on to further goals and victories. There will always be problems, just don't let them destroy your dreams. Learn from life's lessons.

The Law of Momentum Have you ever noticed that when things are going wrong, they just get worse? We've all heard the expression, "When it rains, it pours." Conversely, when things are going well, they seem to get better. This is the Law of Momentum (chapter quote above) at work. The Law states: "When you are down, the universe works to keep you down. When you are up, the universe works to keep you up." The "universe" is defined as life or the world at large, i.e. our surroundings. This law is really just an adap- tation of Newton's first law of motion, but with a more life-relevant approach. The Law of Momentum can affect everything we do, from finances, to career, to family, to whatever. For example, say that you are having a financially poor month. Perhaps there were too many outflows and not enough inflows. The next thing you know, things start snowballing. Bills that were a certain amount are now more, because they were not paid on time and are incurring a late fee. Worse yet, is if a check happens to "bounce." Not only does the business that took the check charge a fee, but so does the bank. The longer one goes without noticing the overdraft, the more the overdraft fees add up. It is not uncommon for some to have paid out thousands of dollars in bank overdraft fees alone. While this is a simple example, it is nevertheless painfully true in some people's experience.

On the positive side, I have personally experienced times when I thought things could not go any better. "Luck" was on my side. Actually, it wasn't luck at all, it was the Law of Momentum. Any time this occurs, I find that I am enthusiastic, energized and doing well as a result.

This brings up some good questions: What exactly is this mysterious Law of Momentum? What makes up the mechanics of this force? How exactly does it work?

Rather than being some intelligently directed force, I have come to understand that this force of momentum simply exists as a result of our own mindset. We have it available to us at all times, but we must tap into it. The force of momentum is neutral—it is neither positive nor negative by nature. We make it positive or negative by our attitude and mental paradigms. This being the case, we make our own luck.

Other areas of life exist where momentum can make or break us. Once we lose our motivation (discussed in the last chapter), our momentum declines as well. If we have lost our momentum, what can we do to regain it?

What Goes Up Doesn't Necessarily Have to Come Down Just because we have lost our momentum, doesn't mean that we cannot regain it. But we must look at the matter realistically. In the same way that extraordinary effort is required to lift the Space Shuttle off its pad, so we must exert more-than-the-ordinary effort to get our momentum going again. But we should consider some other aspects here as well, motivation being the primary one. If we are simply not motivated, then it will be all but impossible to regain our momentum in that particular endeavor. So, in trying to regain our momentum, we must approach it in the correct order. First, ask yourself, "Do I really want to do this anymore or even at all?" If the answer is yes, then what would have to change for you to regain your motivation and momentum? If the answer is no, then it is really a moot point—find something that will motivate you to sustain your momentum. If we currently have high momentum, or if we have regained it back again, be careful of wrong illusions. Sometimes we may mistakenly think that we are going the wrong direction in our quest for success. How so?

- 72 - Have you ever noticed a car tire turning at high speed? Although the car is moving forward, the wheels give the illusion that the car is actually going backwards. But is it really? In our search for success, we may in fact have forward momentum, but sometimes get the illusion that we are going backward. This can happen when we make mistakes in business or some other area of our lives. Making mistakes in life is like hitting an unexpected speed bump. It may have slowed us down a bit, but there is no reason to believe that we have stopped our forward momentum completely. If we learn the lesson contained in the "speed bump" and not stop altogether, then the appearance of going backward is really just an illusion. And as we continue our forward motion, this time we are much more experienced and able to avoid similar speed bumps that may lurk down the road. • As you launch yourself toward your goal or dream, use the ideas in this and other chapters to help you sustain your momentum. Once you have found your life's motivation and continue the momentum, the only thing ahead is the stars!

Maxims on Momentum

• "The world is wide, and I will not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum." —Frances Willard

• "The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators." —Edward Gibbon

• "Everyone must row with the oars he has." —English Proverb

• "Hitch your wagon to a star." —Ralph Waldo Emerson

• "Too low they build, who build beneath the stars." —Edward Young

• "What you are must always displease you, if you would attain to that which you are not." —St. Augustine of Hippo

• "I might have been born in a hovel, but I determined to travel with the wind and the stars." —Jacqueline Cochran

• "From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached." —Franz Kafka

• "Not failure, but low aim, is crime." —James Russell Lowell

• "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." —Oscar Wilde

- 73 -

THE 180 PRINCIPLE -A CONTRARIAN APPROACH TO PROBLEM-SOLVING

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." —Author Unknown

IN his booklet, You 2, 26 Price Pritchett, Ph.D., tells a story of a housefly buzzing frantically in front of a big glass window. It is desperately trying to get outside, but can‟t. Again and again it flies into the window with no success. And yet, all it simply has to do, is turn 180 degrees and fly through an open screen door, which it likely came through, and where it would have the freedom it so desires. But how many dead flies have we seen on a window sill? The fly literally dies because it cannot change its "thinking" or approach. How many times have we personally been in a similar situation? Do we literally beat ourselves to death trying to solve problems or attain goals and dreams, only to find an invisible barrier blocking our way? AA/Al-Anon has an interesting definition for insanity: "Doing the same thing over and over again, but expect- ing a different outcome." Sometimes, we don't see the folly of this until late in life, or much worse, never. The chapter quote puts it quite well. Isn't doing the same thing over and over again exactly what the fly did? And where did it get the fly? Dead. How long will we keep doing things the same old way before we try a different direction? Sometimes, the solution to our problem is exactly 180 degrees opposite of where we think it is. We need to apply what I call, "The 180 Principle," meaning, a complete turn-around.

"Thinking Contrarian" One definition of the word "contrary" is, "opposite in direction." Regarding the fly, turning 180 degrees and going the opposite direction appeared to be a paradox and instinctively, the wrong way to go. Maybe we have felt the same way when it comes to solving our problems. We may feel that "you just can't get there from here." Our problems may appear unsolvable on the surface, and we may instinctively feel a certain direction is the wrong way to go. But that may be where the solution lies. The real barrier to our thinking may be our thinking. We simply may not be ready to accept the potential consequences of solving a particular problem. Sometimes our problems are like a hot air balloon. They start out flabby, without any form, and then slowly take on a bigger size and shape, until they are fully inflated to colossal magnitude; and then they begin to rise higher and higher in the air for the whole world to see. But in all reality, they just might be full of hot air. We must scrutinize our problems, one by one, to find out if they are huge simply because we made them huge or not. We must put our problems into perspective. Will the earth stop turning and the world end tomorrow because of our problems—real or imagined? Most definitely not! Remember, our problems don't have any life of

26 "You Squared", Pritchett Rummler-Brache, Dallas, TX

- 74 - their own, they only have the life—or hot air—we give to them. This "hot air" usually consists of nothing more than emotional energy, emanating from our fears and lack of clear thinking. Since we are so much more than a mere housefly, we can use our powers of reason and freethinking to formulate solutions to the tricky problems we face. Our problems would not be problems if there were not consequences, but along with any consequences come benefits. Incidentally, motivational speaker Ed Foreman said that if our problems can be solved with money, then they are not "problems"—they are "expenses." What a great attitude and approach! This view may help us to keep financial problems in perspective. Admittedly, going a different direction can be scary at first, because going a different direction is like sail- ing in the fog. We know the heading, but not what is directly in front of us. Going a different direction will no doubt be more uncomfortable than we have been used to up until now. By "Thinking Contrarian," we begin looking for solutions in places that we thought were not possible. It gets us "thinking outside the box" as it were. Mind teasers are a good example of what can stimulate our ana- lytical thinking. One of my favorites is this one: A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives, the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How can this be?

At first glance, it may seem like there is no plausible explanation. But there is—the surgeon was his mother. Mental exercises give us an idea of what "Thinking Contrarian" is all about. So many of us appear to be on "auto pilot" as we trek through life. We never seem to question anything. When we run into problems, we usually just accept the generic answers without exploring the matter further, and then ultimately give in to the circumstances those generic answers force us to accept. We don't have to settle for this! In "Thinking Contrarian," we must examine all possibilities. What would happen if we did the exact opposite of what we think we should do? What would be the advantages? the disadvantages? What would be the consequences? the benefits? Sometimes we must do "a complete 180" to really get where we want to go. And if we do get where we want to go, we find more meaning in our life, not to mention solving our problems. Creative thinking with a mentor or trusted friend can help us identify solutions that may not have occurred to us before. Writing down the pros and cons for different scenarios will help us to stretch our mental muscles and come up with potential solutions. But as with everything else in life, there will be consequences and benefits. The following is a personal experience that illustrates taking a Contrarian approach with resulting consequences and benefits:

For nearly two decades, I was married to a woman who developed a chemical dependence— alcoholism. Throughout a period of over five years, I did all I could to help her overcome it. My biggest challenge was not recognizing the illness for what it was, and unwittingly enabling her to continue, due to my codependence. As time went on, life became virtually unbearable for my son and I, as well as for her. I toiled in a state of limbo, not knowing what to do, or how to do it. When I realized that the pain was killing us all, I had some decisions to make. Initially, it appeared that there were no solutions to my dilemma, because of strong religious beliefs that forbade divorcing a spouse. The penalty for divorcing and remarrying without "cause," that is, the adultery of the other spouse, was excommunication. And worse yet was the fact that my entire extended family would be required by the church to shun me until I "repented" and qualified for reins- tatement back into the fold. As the difficulties escalated, I decided that the consequences no longer mattered. If any of us were going to get relief from the problem, I had to take control and "pull a complete 180" from everything that I had ever been taught or believed in. Once I accepted the "solution," I felt an incredible peace come over me and did what I had to do, regardless of the consequences. And there were consequences. Most of my family—aunts, uncles, cou-

- 75 - sins and brother—will no longer speak to me. But the beautiful thing about it was that there were also benefits—great benefits. My previous wife has been able to face her demons and has since remarried a good man who is able to help her further. As for me, I am now married to one of the finest human beings ever to grace this planet, not to mention my best friend. Total peace now reigns in my son's life, and my life—something that I had never known before. With this peace, came many other desirable qualities that have made it possible for me to pursue my ultimate life dream.

Similar to my experience, many times people will take the Contrarian approach naturally, once they can't take the pain of their present course any longer. It simply consumes too much emotional energy to keep up the battle indefinitely. Sooner or later, they change it, as I did. If we are facing a similar situation that calls for a complete life change, why wait? Sometimes we wait until our pain almost kills us—like a fly dying on a window sill—before we move in an opposite direction. Only when our problem causes us to conclude that the perceived pain associated with the change can't be any worse than the pain we currently face, will we change. As with most else in life, we have a choice. The following is a crucial Game Rule of Life that we should never forget: We can take care of the problem now, or suffer longer and still take care of the problem later.

Either way, eventually we will take care of the problem (or die from the pain), but we can save ourselves a lot of needless grief by acting swiftly and decisively. This fear of change can also be applied to attaining our purpose and meaning in life. In another area of my life, there were walls blocking me from my life's ambition—professional speaking and writing. I had to destroy the walls, which only existed in my mind—not in reality. I finally came to realize that there was nothing that could keep me from it.

Creative Problem-Solving When tackling a specific problem, we must understand that a solution exists, we just need to find it; and we need to work through our problems until we find it—and never give up! Sometimes we must get past our own thinking in order to find the solution. Here are several steps based on the foregoing discussion to get us thinking "outside the box" and come up with solutions that we may not have considered:

1) Bring Your Problem Into Perspective. First of all, define the problem in an emotionally-detached way; just list the facts and the different aspects of the problem. If we allow our emotions to run amok, we needlessly inflate our problem to a bigger size than it really is. When we define, dissect, and get the problem "out on the table," so to speak, we may very well find it was not such a huge problem after all. By bringing our problems into perspective, we begin to take control and release any hot air they might contain.

2) Target the Solution. As we define the problem, ask:

What would have to change about this problem in order to eliminate it?

Identify any short and long-term solutions. Simply, by working through these two beginning steps, we may be pleasantly surprised to find that relatively simple solutions begin to materialize. If none do present themselves, then we are simply missing vital information that is required to move forward. We must search for other possible solutions.

3) Brainstorm With a Confidant to Search and Explore Other Possible Solutions. This should yield new twists and alternatives that were not previously apparent. Keep going with this step until you are satisfied in your "gut" that you have identified all possibilities—and then keep going for a while longer to see if a solution arises that you hadn't considered. Sometimes possibilities will occur to you at the strangest times, like in a dream for example. The objective here is to discover the most logical and plausible solution, and remember, a solution always exists, you just have to find it.

- 76 - 4) Examine the Consequences and Benefits of Each Alternative Solution. On a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle of the page, and on one side write, "Consequences," on the other side write, "Benefits." Identify and write down the potential consequences and benefits of each alternative. Work through each consequence and benefit out loud with yourself, a mentor, or trusted friend, and on paper so you have a good comprehension of the problem.

5) Rule Out Any Alternative Solutions That Have Unacceptable Consequences. But be careful! This is where we usually "trip up" in trying to solve our problems. We may "think" the alternative solution is unacceptable, but it may be the only possible way out of the problem.

By repeating the steps above, we can gradually work through our problems and find viable solutions. But the interesting thing about problems, is that two are rarely alike. Some are rather easy to solve, while others are very serious in nature, and the solution may take a significant amount of time to appear.

Use the 180 Principle to "Paradox It!" When we come face to face with a serious life-crisis, as I did in my personal experience noted above, we must get dead-serious about discovering a solution. Here is the two-step system that I used to solve my own life-dilemma:

1) Identify the Solution That You Are Being Pulled Toward, or Are Currently Engaged in Because of Your Own Thinking and Belief System, or the Thinking and Belief Systems of Others. You obviously consider this alternative unacceptable, otherwise you would move forward and you wouldn't have a problem. Ex- amine and list all the reasons why you have been going along with this alternative so far, and why it is unacceptable to continue. With this list of reasons, work through each one to determine if it is legitimate or just a bag full of hot air. Are the reasons for not accepting this solution valid? Do these reasons stand up in the light of clear thinking? If all of the sudden your reasons for being unhappy with this solution break down, then quit fighting it. Don't fight against it for no good reason, such as ego or pride. On the other hand, if your reasons for not accepting it as a solution do stand up to thoughtful reason, then you must continue to come up with alternatives. For example, in my own situation, I was pulled toward staying in a negative relationship at a time when all hope for peace and happiness had vanished, because of my own belief system and thinking, not to mention that of everyone I knew. I was expected to remain in the relationship at all costs, even at the risk of damage to my son. I deemed this alternative, which I had been living with, to be unacceptable. I had to come up with a new solution, and this I did by exploring every conceivable alternative.

2) Paradox It! Identify the alternative that is exactly 180 degrees opposite from the solution you are drawn to, but are unhappy with. This is the seeming paradox that you have been unwilling or unable to confront and consider up until now. Don't be concerned about consequences or benefits at this stage—there will always be consequences and benefits—just identify the alternative. Remember to leave your emotions out of it. Just see if it will work. Identify what is holding you back from taking this paradoxical alternative. Ask yourself these questions:

· How bad can it be? Will life end tomorrow if I accept this solution? · Will this solution cause unacceptable hurt to myself or others? · Can I live with the pain of change easier than the current pain? · Can I live with the consequences of this solution? · What are my biggest fears associated with moving forward with this solution? · What benefits will come from going ahead with the solution?

- 77 - Don't allow fear to prevent you from seriously considering this alternative. Weigh the long-term benefits against the short-term pain. And, yes it will cause a certain amount of pain to change, but the old physical-training adage may come into play here: "no pain, no gain." Now, focus on the benefits of implementing this solution. There must be extreme benefits to this solution, or it may not pay to proceed with it. Keep pondering and going over different variations on alternatives to come up with a solution that works for you. Again, in my own situation, I finally knew exactly what I had to do, and it was completely opposite of everything I believed, but it was the only way out of the problem. • As you encounter problems in life or business that demand creative solutions, try taking a Contrarian approach. Try looking at the problem from every conceivable vantage point. Garner the help of a trusted friend, and write down the benefits as well as the consequences to every scenario, whether logical or illogical. Take responsibility for finding solutions to your problems in life. In doing this, you can profit from utilizing the 180 Principle and taking a Contrarian approach.

Unlike the fly, don't be afraid to look for the open door behind you.

MAXIMS ON THE 180 PRINCIPLE

• "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of ge- nius—and a lot of courage—to move in the opposite direction." —Ernst F. Schumacher

• "Progress is impossible without change; and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything." —George Bernard Shaw

• "Our mind is capable of passing beyond the dividing line we have drawn for it. Beyond the pairs of op- posites of which the world consists, other, new insights begin." —Herman Hesse

• "The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth." —Niels Bohr

• "What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite." —Bertrand Russell

• "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices, but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." —Albert Einstein

• "New opinions are always suspected, and usually opposed, without any other reason but because they are not already common." —John Lock

• "The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." —Marcel Proust

- 78 -

EASY COME, EASY GO —DEVELOPING A NEW MONEY-ATTITUDE

“Money isn't everything as long as you have enough.” —Malcolm Forbes

MONEY. It literally makes the world go „round. Without it, we do not have any of the luxuries of life, such as a nice home, travel, or the finer things of life. But it goes even further than that. Money is required to have such basics as running water, electricity, food, certain medical attention and shelter. Yes it is clear: without it, we do and have very little in this world. Perhaps the above chapter title should read: "Not so easy come, very easy go." Sometimes it is very difficult to accumulate money, but it can go very, very quickly. I have a question. Who decided that most folks should just barely make ends meet, anyway? Why do we not live in a world where everybody enjoys a comfortable lifestyle? Some people are quite content to have very little materially, while others are not. On the other hand, some do not want to be poor, but are. Some do not want to settle for little, but cannot seem to rise above a certain level of poverty or income. Yet, we see certain ones who attract money to themselves with seeming effortless- ness. It is astounding how many people do not understand the basics of money. This, I believe, is one of the underlying reasons why so many have problems with money. We can see this lack of understanding in abound- ing privation or near poverty. What makes it so tragic is that opportunity is everywhere. Therefore, what we have is both poverty and opportunity co-existing in the same space. You would think that this dichotomy would solve itself. But as long as people don't know that they don't know enough about the workings of money, the problem will persist. Why not set the bar at a level where people have plenty, make plenty and enjoy life? I believe the answer goes back to the issues of free will. Each one of us has the freedom of choice to choose the kind of life we will live. The tragedy of the matter is that people really don‟t appreciate the inescapable fact of free will, especially as it relates to money. Life will happen for us regardless of whether we take an active or passive interest in it. Why not take an active interest in it? I have observed several things first hand concerning money: I have seen people squander it, hoard it, lose it, compete for it, invest it, gamble with it, be consumed with it, get motivated by it, misunderstand it and mismanage it. But one thing that seems universal is that nobody has enough of it. Consider several basics about money and think about how each applies to you personally. Just maybe you will notice a line of reasoning that will enrich your life and money management skills.

Making Ends Meet (Or Overlap) In the spirit of the chapter quote by Malcolm Forbes above, if you have enough money for bills and everyday needs, then financially speaking, life is good and there is no problem. However, when there is not enough money for everyday needs, money then becomes not just a problem, but an all-consuming problem. It is no secret that many married couples fight more about finances than anything else.

- 79 - Here are a few indisputable facts about money that we need to burn into our psyche. These facts are really nothing more than common sense.

FACT 1: It Takes a Lot of Money to Live. A typical family can incur countless expenses each month. In addition to the basics such as food, shelter and clothing, there is the matter of suitable and reliable transportation, college expenses for children, proper recreation, reasonable life comforts, retirement savings, hobbies, interests and pursuits, among others. You can quickly see that it takes a lot of money to get along in life. This fact is neither good nor bad, right or wrong. That is just the way it is. We can cry about it, laugh about it, worry about it or ignore it. But one thing is certain—it will not change. It simply takes a lot of money to get along in life.

FACT 2: We Need to Acquire the Ability to Earn Sufficient Money to Live. This one escapes many of us. We must give very careful consideration to our career choices. We need to balance what we really want to do in life with a career that will earn enough money to take care of our needs. That means having a reasonable idea of future trends in career choices which will be in demand. The career that we choose must reward us in many ways, not the least of which is providing ample retirement resources, and deep life meaning. We also must give higher education very careful consideration. Many, many career opportunities are available. Some require further schooling, some do not. However, we should not discount the value of a college education. If we want to pursue a specialized area of study, then we need a higher education. And if nothing else, getting a degree will open doors for us as well as give us credibility. If we have done everything to acquire the ability to earn a good living, then we must also be willing to live in a location suitable for our career. If we cannot find a good job locally in our chosen and trained career, then we must relocate. It is much more important to earn sufficient means than to insist on living where we want, but with poverty.

FACT 3: If You Don't Save, You Won't Have. With some of us, it seems that as soon as we get some cash in our pocket, it "burns a hole" as it were. Kids are especially this way. They just can't wait to spend the little they have! But it is important to teach our children the advantages of saving money. It is okay to spend some, but not all. Otherwise, there is none left for the important things in life. Why not teach your children to pay themselves first by saving and investing a small portion of their allowance or income each month? It is also important to have some money set aside for emergencies. It makes no sense to live "hand to mouth" and have nothing left over after payday. If there is nothing left over, see Fact 2 above and Fact 4 that follows. Another habit coming into practice is getting an advance on a paycheck before payday. One day on a national radio talk show, I heard a caller (who owned a "payday loan" franchise) tell the host that business was so good that he had opened five of these payday loan offices in two months. This truly amazed me, but he then went on to say that he had fifteen competitors in his area. He also mentioned that banking regulations limit the loan to $255 every thirty days with a $45 fee. An Associated Press news article 27 noted that borrowers can pay interest of 400% or more on an annual basis. The article also cited that there are excessive cases of "rollovers" in which people, unable to pay the loan, extend it for another period. Think, if we get into this habit, how long will it be until we are getting further and further behind and in over our heads? Sometimes it may be the only solution to a current money problem. However, we cannot let it get out of hand, or we will pay a much bigger price. The significance of Fact 3 is, Pay Yourself First!

FACT 4: Live Within Your Means. This is a lesson that comes hard for some of us. Our world is set up for instant gratification. We see so many things that we must-have-right-now. A new vehicle, a new house, a new boat, a new this or that. Moreover, big business caters to this mentality by being set up for "mass consump- tion." Since most of us are infected with this "must-have-right-now" syndrome (myself included), it is very important that we manage it well.

And yes, it is pleasing to have nice things. But there is a definite cost, which goes way beyond the monetary cost. There is the incredible stress involved in not being able to make ends meet. Then there are the asso-

27 Dated March 25, 2000

- 80 - ciated problems caused by financial worries that lead to strained relationships. There can also be the humilia- tion of having things repossessed or foreclosed on, which damages your credit rating, and is embarrassing, especially when you need to buy a necessity on credit and are declined.

Soon, we begin to learn the hard way that having all those nice things was not worth the emotional cost. They were not worth the price we paid in losing our peace of mind or relationships or our ability to provide necessities, let alone the financial cost. And we are intensely reminded of that every time the phone rings and someone on the other end wants something that we don't have—money.

Ah! Then we begin to realize that maybe we can do without some of those things after all, until we are able to properly afford them.

Let these few paragraphs serve as a lesson to all those who have yet to get themselves into needless debt. DON'T DO IT! JUST SAY NO TO NEEDLESS DEBT! Wait until you have the money to buy things you want. Until then, do with less. Even though your friends may have all the latest "stuff" that they have purchased with all those "great" credit cards, there is no shame in getting along with less until you are properly able to afford more. If you do use credit cards, absolutely-positively-definitely pay them off every month. If you don't, you'll only get in deeper. If you can't pay them off each month, then don't use them unless it is an emergency. One more point on this subject: Keep a tight grip on your cash outflow. Employ the use of a written budg- et. Keep your bills well organized and pay them on time to avoid problems and extra charges. If you do not keep strict control on where your money goes, you'll end up squandering it foolishly (ask me how I know!). Always know how much you have at all times in your primary checking account to avoid mistakes and pointless outflows that can result in extra charges, such as bank overdrafts. There is no greater waste of hard-earned money than bank overdraft charges! Lastly, reconcile your bank account every month to the penny!

FACT 5: We All Have a Choice: We Can Have Enough or Not Have Enough. I have a theory. I believe that it is entirely possible to make too much money instead of too little. In fact, people are doing it everywhere. The choice is ours. If given a choice between being rich or poor, I believe that 99 out of 100 people would choose wealth—it is almost a no-brainer. By "wealth," I mean the financial ability to live as one chooses. And yet, this is exactly the choice we have—to choose wealth or poverty by our education and career/dream choices. Now that we know that we have a choice, why not choose wealth? So many people just do not see it that way. They simply accede to a life of monetary struggle and chalk it up to fate. After all, they were “not born into wealth.” But it does not have to continue this way. I am simply pointing out here that if we have a choice—which we do—why not choose wealth? This may require making big changes in our thinking, our career, or where we live. But the best thing we can do for our children and ourselves is to make the wise choice—wealth.

On Investing There is no question that children are rarely taught to have a proper relationship with money. Though American schools may touch on the matter of money management and investing, they are sorely lacking in giving young ones the education they need to prosper. One time I approached the local Vocational-Technical school in my area with the idea of teaching students the basics of investing. Since I had graduated from a similar Vo-Tech 20 years prior, I felt strongly that these young people really needed to learn about planning for their future. The date was set for an initial one-hour overview open to the entire student body, and much to my dismay (and their disadvantage), not one person showed up, even though the program was free (maybe that was the problem!). Indeed, the furthest thing from a teenager or young person's mind is saving for retirement. But that is exactly when young ones should be thinking about it. Procrastination is the death knell to retiring in prosperity. There is nothing so tragic as seeing an elderly person working a minimum wage job because they have to, when they should be enjoying their retirement. "If only" they had made wiser financial choices earlier in life. Like saving it, one of the basics of money is that if we don‟t invest, we won‟t have. It‟s just that simple. It‟s important to remember that investing is not gambling. If we get in and out of speculative securities on a day- to-day or short-term basis, that’s gambling. We might as well go to Las Vegas (at least we could have fun while

- 81 - we lose our money!). Rather than speculating in the market, it is wise to foster a "buy and hold" mentality, as this is a far more prudent method of investing. Investing, on the other hand, is putting our money into stable, solid companies that have been around for decades or even hundreds of years and are continuing to thrive. We may choose individual stocks or mutual funds. Any reputable investment advisor can help us out here. It is important to note that when we invest, we must balance risk with return. In fact, one of the keys to successful investing is managing our risk. If our portfolio is primarily made up of insured, low-yielding investments like Certificates of Deposit (CD's), we may have our feeling of safety, but we will never get anywhere. We need to outpace inflation. And the only way to do that is through investing in good, long-established companies in the stock market. Incidentally, we must track our net worth so we have a yard stick with which to measure our success. Cal- culating net worth is very easy. It is simply assets minus liabilities. If our investments, home, vehicles and other valuables are worth $500,000, but we only owe $50,000, then we have a net worth of $450,000. Popular financial software packages are very convenient in calculating our net worth any time we desire. We should review our investments and net worth at least annually so we have a good idea of our portfolio's advancement or decline. I recommend getting professional financial help from a credible brokerage firm with our investing. After all, we wouldn‟t perform surgery on ourselves or fight our own legal battles without proper legal representa- tion. So why would we try to do our own investing without the help of a trained professional? If you look closely, you will find that it can cost a lot more in the long run to do it ourselves because we are more prone to make mistakes that otherwise wouldn‟t be made. A professional will avoid this and also make sure that you are properly allocated and diversified.

Wealth Without Greed A common definition of the word, "greed" is: “An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than one needs, especially of material wealth." 28 Wealth is not greed. Greed is greed. Wealth is having enough to pay the bills, plan for life and generally being able to do what you want when you want. Greed is a negative characteristic. Greed comes from being consumed with having too much. Greed is directly related to inner control issues (what isn‟t?). It is not necessary to be greedy to have wealth. Greed is going too far. Stay away from greed, for it will consume your soul. Akin to greed is the squirreling away of money. Some claim that they know how to manage money, but all they do is hoard it. Hoarding is not managing, it is hoarding. Have you ever known someone who has a lot of wealth, but lives like a pauper? I have seen these types and they justify it by saying that they want to leave their wealth to heirs. While this may be a noble intention, the fact is that they could still live quite well, and leave substantial amounts to heirs, through prudent and conservative investing. There are usually reasons as to why people stockpile money, many of which go back to the depression era where there was very little to be had. This depression-era mentality has a very strong effect for those who experienced it, but it can also have a very strong negative effect if not managed well. Money is a tool, and should certainly be used wisely. But why go without by amassing wealth and never really enjoy it?

How to Change Your Money Attitude The way that we start to make changes in our financial status is to start making changes within ourselves; that is, how we view money. If we would just sit down and think about it, we can usually figure out where we fail in managing money properly. If we don't know why we are not managing money properly, then acquiring the necessary knowledge is quite easy. Books on personal finance are widely available, as well as consumer credit agencies that will help us get a handle on our bills. Along with the foregoing facts on money, we need to adopt a new resolution toward money, and work at changing it until it becomes habit. Unfortunately, there is no "magic pill." Just like any other area of our lives, we have to work at changing ourselves inside, before we see any changes outside.

- 82 - My endeavors here are simply to bring to the fore that it is entirely possible to have enough, instead of continuing the month to month struggle of eking out a living. We can help ourselves enormously by educating ourselves in areas of finance. We can practice economy in our lives, reducing waste, but at the same time, not being too conservative to enjoy life to the full. Balance is everything. • Money literally makes the world go „round—it can be an exciting or depressing topic. But one thing is for sure, with too little of it, life is difficult and not very exciting. Money makes things happen, or not happen. The sooner we recognize this, the better off we‟ll be. We can ignore it, but the reality remains. We have to get past making just barely enough or not enough. There is no reason on earth why we should have to struggle our whole lives just to make barely enough. Why not raise the stakes? Why not live just below your means? Why not put yourself in a position to earn more? If we want to live better, then we need to make better money. It is far better to have plenty of money to use as our tool because then it promotes enjoyment of life.

MAXIMS ON MONEY

• "The future is purchased by the present." —Samuel Johnson

• "I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves." —Joe Louis

• "The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'check enclosed.'" —Dorothy Parker

• "I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries." —Jules Renard

• "You can be young without money, but you can't be old without it." —Tennessee Williams

• "Debt is the worst poverty." —Thomas Fuller

• "For greed, all nature is too little." —Seneca

• "There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can." —Mark Twain

• "The miser puts his gold pieces into a coffer; but as soon as the coffer is closed, it is as if it were empty." —Andre Gide

• "Alas! How deeply painful is all payment!" —Lord Byron

• "Nothing is to be had for nothing." —Epictetus

• "Both poverty and riches are the offspring of thought." —Author Unknown

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GREATNESS TO DELIVER

"Whoever renders service to many puts himself in line for greatness—great wealth, great return, great satisfaction, great reputation, and great joy." —Jim Rohn

BRITISH columnist David Thompson, speaking about the late film director Stanley Kubrick in 1999, said that he “had greatness to deliver.” That comment started me thinking. How many of us would have Great- ness to Deliver if we could only lose the behaviors that limit us? The definition of "greatness" is: "Remarkable or outstanding in magnitude, degree, or extent; Superior in quality or character; noble." 29 How many of us could do something truly astounding, if only we could get past ourselves? We all have our gifts, as well as a mix of good and perhaps not-so-good qualities. Can we channel the adversity of our lives to push us ever toward Greatness? Many in our world, who truly have Greatness to Deliver, shoot themselves in the foot, so to speak. For example, an Associated Press news story on Saturday, December 4, 1999 carried the headline, "Y2K Expected to Trigger New [Computer] Viruses." Fortunately, there was more fear than truth to the story. The story talked about several new computer virus' that were set to go off the first business day of January in the new millen- nium. One has to wonder, "where do all of these needless computer virus' come from?" It must take some real computer expertise and talent to write these damaging programs. So why do people do it? Is it just to be a pest? Is it because someone has too much time on his or her hands? Is it that someone is holding a grudge and wants an outlet? While there are probably several reasons why, I believe it involves low or no self-esteem. People who feel good about themselves and the life they lead, usually don't cause others harm. Wouldn't it be a much better use of time and talent to channel that energy toward writing programs that are useful and constructive? By doing so, these people could very well have Greatness to Deliver. Who knows the good that they could give to the world if only they would concentrate on giving instead of taking and harming. Yet, they cheat themselves out of being great, and cause others harm at the same time.

The Characteristics of Greatness Every now and then, someone emerges to deliver true Greatness to the world. Scores of notable men and women, past and present, have Delivered Greatness every day of their lives. Some have discovered medicines that cure diseases and prolong life (Alexander Fleming, discovered penicillin in 1928 quite by accident and De- livered Greatness to the world); some have organized the feeding of the hungry; others have helped the less fortunate. Many have given back in more ways than is possible to enumerate, and have consequently Deli- vered Greatness. I have found that common characteristics exist among those who have Greatness to Deliver, which we can emulate in our own life. Consider the following characteristics of Greatness. Also note the similarities to the Characteristics of Success, in Game Rule 7.

- 84 - 1) Greatness Comes From Within, Not From Without. Many people have attained great achievements, but does that make them great people? Not necessarily. Greatness comes from who we are inside. To do great things for the world, we must first do great things within. This inner Greatness then impels us on to do great things outside of ourselves.

2) Great People Have Mastered Themselves. They have total self-control. They do not allow others to provoke them to behaving in ways contrary to their convictions. First century Roman slave, Epictetus, said it well: "No man is free who is not master of himself." Another person of Greatness wrote: "He who knows much about others may be learned, but he who understands himself is more intelligent. He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still" (Author Unknown).

3) Great People Are Complete in Themselves. They do not need external stimuli to make them feel complete. They have a high (but not excessive) sense of self-worth. They do not need to slavishly follow any certain belief system in order to feel good enough in God's eyes. This is not to say that they are not religious— they may or may not be, that is not the issue. What is the issue is that they are complete within themselves without the need for extraneous influences to complete them. They know who they are and why they do what they do.

4) Great People Have a Sense of Higher Purpose. They have a virtuous Life Vision or dream that they believe in and are willing to follow at all costs. They know what they want from life and have great confidence in achieving it without allowing their ego to get in the way.

5) Great People Possess Higher Human Qualities. Benjamin Franklin wrote: "There never was yet a truly great man that was not at the same time truly virtuous." Qualities that underscore Greatness include goodness, and honesty—with oneself and others. If we show goodness, we go beyond what is required; give more than is due. Likewise, strict honesty is vital for Greatness, because if you are not honest with yourself or others, it will come back to bite you in the end, (no pun intended). Do not discount many other qualities of Greatness, such as generosity, compassion and empathy for others, to name but a few.

6) Great People Add to the Woodpile By Giving Back to the World. Great people are happy for others' successes. They want the world to be a better place and they work toward that end. They never take more than they give. In fact, they take far less than they give. And what they give contributes rich meaning to other people's lives, as well as their own.

7) Great People Make Mistakes Too. George Washington wrote: "It is to be lamented that great characters are seldom without a blot." Washington knew that Greatness only comes through hardship and adversity, and lamented that fact. But there really is no other way. The very reason a person is great is due to his or her learning from his or her own mistakes and misfortunes. Making mistakes, if learned from, causes a Great person to be empathetic and compassionate toward others. They cease being judgmental with others. They show mercy. They passionately shout: "Let a sinner judge me any day, because he or she is much more likely to have learned life's beautiful lessons through the harsh reality of adversity. Real sinners understand human failings, because they know and understand themselves well. Keep me away from those who never make mistakes, for they are to be feared more than God himself!"

8) Great People Are Not Great Alone-They Build on the Greatness of Others. They don't step on others in achieving their goals. They appreciate that one gets more in life by giving more in life. They are fervent team players. They recognize that a higher quality of excellence occurs when many minds and abilities are focused together.

9) Great People Have an Intense Desire to Know the Truth. They are never happy with partial truth; they seek total truth because partial truth still equals partial falsehood. Truth exists, only falsehood must be fa- bricated. Horace Mann, a 19th century educator and public official, who achieved Greatness himself, wrote: "If any man seeks for greatness, let him forget greatness and ask for truth, and he will find both."

- 85 - 10) Great People Show Honor to Others. They let other people be themselves. They respect others and afford them human dignity. They take a strong interest in mentoring others whenever the opportunity manifests itself. Their example of Greatness serves as a role model to others. I feel compelled to note an example of this aspect of Greatness. In the final stages of writing this book, I sent a manuscript to several well-known speakers and writers whom I respect in an effort to obtain an endorsement. Most did not respond, which I fully expected, after all, I knew they were busy people. How- ever, one man did respond—Zig Ziglar, perhaps the busiest person of all. He sent me an extremely encouraging letter explaining that due to the heavy demand on his time and the number of similar requests he receives each week, he would simply be unable to devote the necessary time to reading the manuscript. He then went on to relate how his own first book took several printings before a publisher picked it up. He encouraged me to not let this discourage or hinder me, but to press on. He had no real obligation to respond to an "unknown" writer, but he did, because this is the kind and merciful thing to do. It is "who he is, what he does." In retrospect, this is exactly what I expected from a man of his stature. He truly has Delivered Greatness to the world. As a result, even though I didn't get the endorsement I wanted (Yet!), I was encouraged and refreshed to continue the relentless pursuit of my dream.

11) Great People Interpret Life in a Fresh New Way. They constantly search for new ideas in everything that they observe. Then they apply those ideas and add quality to their own life, and to the lives of others around them.

12) Great People Do Not Need Wealth to Be Great. Many have suffered from intense hardship, including material and financial adversity. But they persevered and channeled the adversity into useful qualities, and this is primarily what has made them great.

Delivering Your Own Greatness In the chapter quote from my Introduction, an unknown person wisely wrote: "Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink. Some come to gargle." What I have presented in these pages has literally gushed forth from the well of my deep passionate belief and experience. In essence, Delivering Greatness has been an important undercurrent throughout this entire work. I have discussed many of the qualities that, if properly utilized, can help us to Deliver Greatness.

What have we explored in The Game Rules for Life?

• We explored two Life Rules that explain the meaning of life: Discovering What Creation Has to Offer and Find- ing Fulfillment in the Process; and Adding to the Woodpile of Life.

• We saw the benefits of Free Will and how we have no moral right to control others. We also saw that we should always maintain our boundaries, and not allow ourselves to be taken hostage to someone else's possibly misguided whims and beliefs.

• We learned to view our problems in the proper perspective, and not allow Adversity, Guilt and Shame to rob us of the ability to find meaning in our lives and suffering.

• We found out the only thing that is futile is Futility itself; and death and illness need not force us into an attitude or life of futility.

• We discussed the Art of Living, and how to enjoy the "Delightful Things" of life; the need to respect all life, and how to find and make peace in our lives.

• We considered higher human virtues, such as Mercy, goodness and not being judgmental. We saw the need to display active mercy toward others, and to be very careful of righteous indignation.

• We discovered 25 Characteristics of Success, how to pick up our Momentum and stay Motivated.

• We examined the 180 Principle and how Thinking Contrarian can help us to find solutions that we may not have considered.

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• We saw the benefits of gaining a clearer perspective on Money; that we do not need to settle for less, when more is just as widely available.

• And lastly, we examined 12 Characteristics of Greatness which we can emulate and employ in our own lives.

If You Take Nothing Else Away From This Book, Take Away These Following Three Truths:

1) God will not hand you the answers you seek on a silver platter—you must discover them for yourself by searching out the deeper concepts of life;

2) You can find intense meaning, motivation and success in your life, but only if you work toward your life's dream everyday. The meaning of life is to love what you do, and do what you love;

3) In order to achieve maximum success in anything you do, you must create your own Plan for Living, including your own Life Vision. Only in this way can you review and solidify your dreams and objectives.

All of the foregoing lessons will drive us on to Greatness, but only if we actually take hold of them and employ them in our inner makeup. Veteran salesperson and author Byrd Baggett expressed a profound thought: "Great potential is one of life's heaviest burdens." What a tragedy for us to have great potential, but accept less than we have to by succumbing to small thinking and enduring unnecessary difficulties in our life. Ponder this question: "What do I need to change in me in order to Deliver Greatness?” Whatever it is, are you blocking it? Are you holding yourself back? The answer is almost definitely yes, as we all tend to do this by our very nature. As much as I would like to, I simply cannot motivate you to Greatness, or in any other area for that matter. You yourself must do it! All I can do is endeavor to provoke you to thought. The ball is now in your court. What will you do with it? Will you step up to the plate and make the necessary self-changes to partake of Greatness? Or will you simply close this book, place it on the shelf and say, "Interesting ideas."? An old and familiar adage says, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." I have offered you my own personal "fountain of knowledge," and have warmly invited you to drink deeply. Please continue to drink deeply of the fountain of knowledge. Please—do not merely gargle!

- 87 - MAXIMS ON GREATNESS

• "Not doing more than average is what keeps the average down." —William Winans

• "Man is made great or little by his own will." — Friedrich Schiller

• "A really great man is known by three signs—generosity in the design, humanity in the execution, moderation in success." —Bismarck

• "Nothing can make a man truly great but being truly good, and partaking of God's holiness." —M. Henry

• "Great men never make bad use of their superiority; they see it, and feel it, and are not less modest. The more they have, the more they know their own deficiencies." —Rousseau

• "He is great who can do what he wishes; he is wise who wishes to do what he can." —Ifland

• "He is not great, who is not greatly good." —Shakespeare

• "Greatness lies not in being strong, but in the right using of strength." —Henry Ward Beecher

• "He is great enough that is his own master." —Hall

• "Whatever you are, be a good one." —Abraham Lincoln

• "There are countless ways of achieving greatness, but any road to achieving one's maximum potential must be built on a bedrock of respect for the individual, a commitment to excellence, and a rejec- tion of mediocrity." —Buck Rodgers

• "The difference between greatness and mediocrity is often how an individual views a mistake." —Nelson Boswell

• "Not a day passes over the earth by men and women of no note doing great deeds, speaking great words, and suffering noble sorrows. Of these obscure heroes, philosophers, and martyrs, the greater par will never be known till that hour when many that were great shall be small, and the small great." —Charles Reade

• "To be innocent is to be not guilty; but to be virtuous is to overcome our evil inclinations."—Penn

• "Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them." —William Shakespeare

• "Greatness lies, not in being strong, but in the right using of strength; and strength is not used rightly when it serves only to carry a man above his fellows for his own solitary glory. He is the greatest whose strength carries up the most hearts by the attraction of his own." —Bryant

• "There never was any heart truly great and gracious, that was not also tender and compassionate." —South

- 88 - ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Doug Kelley is a Professional Speaker, Certified Seminar Leader (CSL), author and consultant. He has founded several businesses, including a successful Office Equipment Dealership. In addition to his business skills, he has had extensive sales experience, and spent several years as an Investment Advisor for a nationally known investment firm.

Doug is a past member of the National Speakers Association and the American Seminar Leaders Association.

Doug and his wife, Tracy live in Southwest Florida along with their three teen-age sons.

About Kelley Training Systems, Inc.

After over two decades of public speaking and business experience, Doug Kelley founded Kelley Training Systems as a means of helping people help themselves. He intensely believes that when people find more meaning in life, they become better in all aspects of life. Doug shares his experience by way of business consulting as well as offering a number of different seminar, workshop and speaking topics that address critical areas of life and work. In addition to any of the topics in this book, please visit www.DougKelley.com for other topics and more information.

Please contact Doug to discuss launching a long-lasting and mutually beneficial business relationship that will increase worker happiness and thereby increase performance.

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