THESE ROMANTIC DREAMS in OUR HEADS by SEAN IRONMAN
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University of Central Florida STARS Electronic Theses and Dissertations, 2004-2019 2014 These Romantic Dreams in Our Heads Sean Ironman University of Central Florida Part of the Creative Writing Commons Find similar works at: https://stars.library.ucf.edu/etd University of Central Florida Libraries http://library.ucf.edu This Masters Thesis (Open Access) is brought to you for free and open access by STARS. It has been accepted for inclusion in Electronic Theses and Dissertations, 2004-2019 by an authorized administrator of STARS. For more information, please contact [email protected]. STARS Citation Ironman, Sean, "These Romantic Dreams in Our Heads" (2014). Electronic Theses and Dissertations, 2004-2019. 4851. https://stars.library.ucf.edu/etd/4851 THESE ROMANTIC DREAMS IN OUR HEADS by SEAN IRONMAN B.A. University of Central Florida, 2007 B.A. University of Central Florida, 2010 A thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Fine Arts in the Department of English in the College of Arts and Humanities at the University of Central Florida Orlando, Florida Spring Term 2014 © 2014 Sean Ironman ii ABSTRACT These Romantic Dreams in Our Heads is a collection of linked essays that study how key relationships in the narrator’s life intersect. The essays attempt to show the complicated nature of relationships and how multiple lives are affected by one’s decisions. Taking place over two years, the relationships in focus involve the narrator’s parents, his girlfriend, and his dog. The essays deal with themes of manhood, parenthood, gender roles, religion, and memory. The characters deal with discovering their limitations and searching for a balance between responsibility for others and responsibility for their own lives. iii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I acknowledge the following people: Laurie Rachkus Uttich, Madison Bernath, Paul Ironman, David Ironman, Sean Ironman, Dr. Hank L. Ford, David James Poissant, Jocelyn Bartkevicius, Lisa Roney, Darlin’ Neal, Russ Kesler, Obi Nwakanma, Roger Rosenblatt, Megan Kelso, Stan Lee, Brendon Barnes, Chris Claremont, Dianne Turgeon Richardson, Allie Pinkerton, Eric Fershtman, Bethany DuVall, Leslie Salas, Ted Greenberg, Rachel Kolman, Brian Crimmins, and, of course, Saluda. iv TABLE OF CONTENTS FATHERHOOD* ........................................................................................................................... 1 BORN TO BE CONSUMED........................................................................................................ 14 BIG DAMN CACTUS .................................................................................................................. 17 BOY, YOU’RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT .................................................................. 44 HANK CANINE IRONMAN ....................................................................................................... 57 NO MAN’S LAND ....................................................................................................................... 65 TOMORROWLAND .................................................................................................................... 82 ACT OF CONTRITION ............................................................................................................. 100 CHASING SOMETHING IN THE NIGHT ............................................................................... 109 RECEIPTS .................................................................................................................................. 132 DRIVE ALL NIGHT .................................................................................................................. 147 BE HAPPY NOW ....................................................................................................................... 161 MATRIMONY ........................................................................................................................... 179 ON HANKELFORD RACISM .................................................................................................. 199 ONE HUNDRED QUESTIONS................................................................................................. 214 HANKELFEST ........................................................................................................................... 217 MOTHERHOOD ........................................................................................................................ 236 APPENDIX: READING LIST ................................................................................................... 255 v FATHERHOOD* * Originally published in “Fatherhood,” Redivider, Summer 2013. The other fathers look away as his girlfriend finishes the paperwork to kill their baby. They look away from him regardless of the length or intensity of his gaze. When the woman across the aisle catches him staring, she pulls her blue hoodie over her eyes. Studying her cheeks and cracked lips, he decides she’s eighteen, maybe nineteen. She’s still young enough to have a decent reason for being at the clinic. Without looking up, his girlfriend hands him the clipboard. “Check it.” The form looks like every medical form. She might as well be getting a flu shot. For some reason, he thought it would be different, more important. The waiting room is well-lit, filled with magazines, and the wall near the entrance is painted bright green. It’s nothing like the dim, seedy room from that video in ninth grade religion class. The video that made that one boy, the one everyone called a pussy and a faggot, run out of the classroom and vomit in the hall. He tries to recall what happened in that video, to piece together what will happen. But he only remembers the pieces being dropped into a garbage bag. A bag like the one his mother would yell at him to take out, but that he would leave for his father. He hands her the clipboard. “Looks fine, but I don’t know your info.” He whispers, not able to disturb the stillness of the room. It reminds him of church minutes before Mass began. Everyone static and quiet. 1 Careful to avoid his hands, she snatches the clipboard from him and takes baby steps to the counter. The large words painted across the green wall draw his attention. “Diversity, SELF Determination, Privacy, Quality of Life.” SELF is painted three times thicker than the others. * * * Years earlier, he sat on his grandmother’s white sofa and tried to stop her from reaching for more photo albums. Undeterred, she placed album after album of his family onto his lap. She rambled on about his family, pointing to them as if he had never met them. “Yes, I remember,” he said. “I was there. That’s me on the right.” When she exhausted her stash of albums, she gave him a letter hidden behind one of the photos. Then, she was silent. “Well, you’re going to be a grandma again,” the letter read. “Ma, please don’t bitch to me. I know it will be hard. But this is what I want.” He was confused until he reached his mother’s signature at the bottom. She wrote about what she wanted. His father was absent from the letter. She used “I” not “we” or “us.” Did his father side with his mother or his grandmother? “You wanted to kill me, Grandma?” He inched away from her. She never told him why she showed him the letter. “Your mother had such beautiful penmanship.” * * * 2 When his girlfriend returns from the counter, she leans away from him, hiding her face behind the fake plant near the other side of her chair. Her Coach purse separates them—a barbwire fence neither dares to cross. She stares at her phone, perhaps checking Facebook or playing Scrabble. He waits with his thoughts, refusing to reach for the stack of magazines on the nearby table or for his phone in his pocket. The receptionist calls his girlfriend’s name. Her voice is soft, but he hears it clear and loud. His girlfriend walks past him as if he’s not there, a ghost of the boyfriend who would send text messages of hearts he drew in her absence. A boy next to the girl in the blue hoodie holds her hand tight. His black hoodie mirrors hers, covering his face except for his trimmed, brown beard. As she fidgets in her seat, their hands twist and turn in the air, fighting to stay together, to stay one. How did this boy discover he would be a father? * * * One Saturday morning, she slapped him across the chest. “Guess what? I’m pregnant. You got me pregnant, you bastard.” He wiped his eyes. His girlfriend stood by the bed, arms crossed. “No, you’re not.” He rolled onto his stomach. “Come back to bed.” She stomped her way to the bathroom as if he were the floor. She returned with the test and tossed it at him. “See?” He stared at the tan stick. “I don’t know what this symbol means.” 3 “It means I’m fucking pregnant.” Her voice trembled. Her face reddened. For a second, he thought she would cry. He assured her the test, the one she had kept under the sink for over a year since the last scare, was wrong. That they had gotten back together two weeks before and that her period was only a day or two late. There was nothing to worry about. Driving to Walgreens for a second test, he played Springsteen’s “The River” from one of the many CDs he had with that song. Then I got Mary pregnant and man that was all she wrote. When she finished cursing him for ruining her life, she cursed him more for playing that song. He told her that he wanted to make her smile, to lighten her mood with the overly dismal song, to show her the silliness of their situation. But he knew he played it to prove