“Keep The Paper Free From Tyranny”

21/03/14 HANGMAN Issue 1573 Corrupt Regime Finally Ousted From Office In Violent Revolution THIS ISSUE...

Hangman NEWS Editor-in-Chief

West Basement - Beit Hall Following fierce fighting Hangman has this week finally wrested the control of University newspaper production from the corrupt, odious Editor-in- Chief Joe ‘the bloodthirsty’ Letts. Whilst information from the ground is still sketchy at best, it appears that our noble hero, Hangman, took the Evil Oligarchy opportunity to seize power from Maintained the former regime following the chaos caused by the West Basement ‘redevelopment’ (for a real look at what this so-called redevelopment SPORT really means, see Best Features). Seized, however, does not do justice to the selfless act Hangman has carried out in ridding our Great University from this editorial tyrant and his team of yes-men section editors. It would be more appropriate to view this as the return of power, freedom and voice to you, the student and reader. The struggle, whilst relatively short, caused indescribable carnage as well Well, who gives a as significant and regrettable collateral damage. At approximately 3.45 am on fuck about university the 19th of March, Hangman and a sport? group of loyal supporters stormed the Former Felix Office taking out several key section editors (thought to be the entirety of News and at least one member of Comment). Fierce hand- to-hand combat ensued and many Imperial students lining up to witness the overthrowing of Joe ‘the bloodthristy’ Letts. BEST FEATURES loyal Hangman supporters died for the cause. reinforcements from both STOIC and University as a whole, Hangman said be allowed to continue next year, she Slowly, however, the battle turned IC Radio, the sheer number of boxes “this is an auspicious day in the history would only be in charge of day-to-day in Hangman’s favour and upon seeing and old equipment prevented Master of student publications at Imperial” running of the new publication in a the loss of his best lieutenant – Tessa of TV, Johnny ‘mad-axe’ Pratt and “We have a proud and noble newly created role entitled ‘The Voice Davey – the cowardly Letts decided Station Manager George ‘the butcher’ tradition of excellent publications of Hangman”. to flee. In the confusion of battle, he Butcher from coming to their old stretching back generations. From It is thought that, despite these being somehow managed to evade capture. crony’s aid. the ashes of this putrid regime it shall uncertain times for Imperial student Latest rumours suggest he may now It is said that once the news filtered arise once more”. publications, so unpopular were the be hiding within another corrupt out to the general Imperial populace In the interests of operating in a previous regime that it is unlikely publishing regime – The Tab. In any there were woops of joy followed by transparent manner, Hangman also that there would be any counter- Nasty truths about case, there is now a huge reward for impromptu communal parties on all distributed a separate press release revolution. Justice for the many the West Basement Letts’ capture, dead or alive (see floors of the library. The exceptions, of describing the changes to be made victims of Letts and his underlings News). course, were the silent sections which to Imperial’s foremost publication. cannot be finally served, however redevelopment Whilst in normal circumstances remained sacredly soundless. Sources also confirmed that, whilst until the man himself is made to pay Letts could have expected In statement to the press and Editor-elect, Philippa Skett, would for his atrocities. Editor: REAL NEWS Timothy McSweeney

Evil Oligarchy Grisly Remains Of Divine World Searches for Signs of Missing Maintained Being Recorded By Telescope Journalism Timothy McSweeney Hangman Real News Editor Editor-in-Chief Timothy McSweeney Real News Editor

Despite the joyous news that Felix can get their grubby hands on. In a discovery whose full implications has fallen, it must be remembered for the fields of astronomy and physics that we live forever in the shadow of Indeed this is barely even a secret have yet to be truly understood, the Gravitional waves (right) could well be the last remnants the evil oligarchy of the Union and anymore, with many a sabb openly gruesome remains of a divine being or of beloved Olympian, Zeus (left). by extension Grand Master Sir Keith disparaging ordinary students. In the beings appeared to have been found “The presence of these relics of former Onions aka The Onion Knight. There worst cases, Sabbs have been known by the team manning the Bicep2 deity will help us shed light on the is no more pertinent reminder of the to steal money from those attempting telescope at the South Pole. early Universe and quite possibly on current situation than the results of to leave the 568 late at night and one the events of the War of the Titans the recent sabbatical elections. student even reports having a Sabb In a statement to the press, the team between the Titans and the Olympian repeatedly pour the student’s drink on of astrophysicists attempted to G o d s ”. Missing - All The Journalism The outcome clearly shows that there the floor every time they tried to buy explain their findings. “whilst rigorous is long way to go before the Imperial one. retesting is still required, it would “Alternatively, it could well help unify The journalism of over 200 news student body can be truly free of this appear that we have discovered the the two great theories of physics – sources, including several news evil oligarchy. In many ways, however, it is perhaps grisly remains of some former divine General Relativity and Quantum channels, has gone missing mere unfair to criticise these pathetic being or perhaps even multiple beings Mechanics as it might well be possible hours after Malaysian Airline flight The oligarchy renewed itself once sabbaticals as they are in many ways involved in the very beginnings of the to find in amongst the remains some MH370. The world is now searching more in a series of shame elections for also victims of the dystopic student Universe itself”. long lost note by the deity explaining frantically for any real news through a number of positions that serve little life of Imperial as the rest of us. It is it all to us”. the sea of conspiracy theories being purpose but to fill the pockets and well known that the real power lies “We are, of course, loathe to speculate, spat into our collective eyes. further than sordid ambitions of the solely in the hands of the Rector, the but it is entirely possible that this Whilst Hangman is hopeful this few ‘winners’. Onion Knight himself. might be the remains of Zeus or discovery will help explain the Any sign of journalistic integrity any number of the Greek or Roman deepest mysteries of the Universe, dropped off the radar as more and Whilst you’re slaving away trying to It is difficult to see how such a many Pantheon of Gods”. we urge caution to all investigators more terrorist groups were suspected get a decent degree these puppets issue can be overthrown, however we must and remind them that we cannot rule of stealing a plane and flying it away essentially arbitrary and meaningless all take hope from the removal of Joe “Perhaps it could go even further back out the possibility that this is merely a without claiming any credit for the decrees and pocket all the cash they Letts as Editor-in-Chief than that; these may well be the final sleeping deity whose wrath we might attack. Every terrorist and his mum parts of the mysterious Titans”. incur should we awaken it. has been accused of a hijacking, including Kim- Jong Il, and his mum, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? Kim-Jong Never-Seen-In-Public and his, Kim-Bone Il. ADVERTISEMENT: LAST SPOTTED FLEEING THE Compounding this global catastrophe of fake news are the millions of people WEST BASEMENT OF BEIT White, Male? Consider Running for Union who feel the need to tweet the phrase: “How can you lose a plane? They’re so President! big!”. Authorities in Malaysia, China, Australia and Japan encourage this Do you think you could make a difference? Do you have a behaviour, saying, “Everybody who tweets that should look up at the sky friend who can write an article for the Tab? Are you white and let us know immediately if they and male? If yes to the last two of these, then you too could see the plane. We have no idea where run for Union President! The last 4 Union Presidents have this thing is, and since there are so many fucking experts out there, we been white and male, the perfect combination for this post. thought it would be really great if After all, you’re statistically more likely to become a CEO, so they could lend us a hand, since all why not apply for a paid internship as one? Do you think the of our militaries are getting nowhere with their state of the art detection word ‘delegate’ means ‘have the other sabbs do your work at equipment.” the expense of their social lives because you just don’t feel like it’? This Hangman writer agreed to throw his hat into the ring, since he’ll get a book deal if he’s right, and nobody will Can you ruin a graduation by being a terrible public speaker? care if he’s wrong. Timothy’s official If the answer is still yes, then run! You’re more then like- theory is that the plane was stolen by Colonel Mustard, using the fictional ly to win! If you’re not white but still male, run anyway! It porcelain guns from Die Hard 2, and makes us look good to have you coming second. Female? he’s landed it in Atlantis. Ha! It would be cruel for us to let you be CEO for a year only Infamous magicians, Siegfried to drop you into a world where an entire system is geared and Roy could not be reached for against that happening. comment, but their publicist assured us that they will not reappear the aircraft at a show in Vegas and that we definitely shouldn’t book tickets REWARD £1,000,000 It’s still not to late to get involved in the for The Colosseum at Caesers Palace for March 28th because that “would Revolution... not be the night of the most amazing DEAD OR ALIVE [email protected] magic trick ever, wink”. Interview with 8 PAGE VARSITY PULLOUT Lord Dobbs Read up on the Varsity Match Reports here! Author of the House of Cards Series 6

“Keep the Cat Free”

21/03/14 Issue 1573 felixonline.co.uk

New Head Controversy as Greek Health Minister Adonis of Chemistry Georgiadis visits Imperial Department Eleftherios Apostolakis reports from Sunday’s talk Appointed

Philip Kent News Reporter

n an email to Chemistry students sent on 19 March, Professor Alan Armstrong has been named as the new head of the Chemistry Department. IThe current Head of Department, Professor Tom Welton, is stepping ekathimerini.com down from his role as his five-year tenure has expired, although the ast Sunday the College was Conversation gets louder. Someone his turn to speak and welcome He starts off by renouncing political Department informed students that visited by Adonis Georgiadis, from the crowd asks how long we’ll the Health Minister. Shortly after, responsibility prior to 2011. He then Prof. Welton will remain as Head the Greek Health Minister. be waiting for, one of the organizers Georgiadis gets up to speak and describes the actions taken to tackle of Department until the end of the The event – organised by the replies that he’ll be here at 17:30. briefly, chaos ensues. Again clapping the crisis. Again the crowd reacts calendar year. Imperial College Hellenic “You should have told us, we’re busy mixed with booing and comments and the conversation deteriorates. The change comes during a turbulent LSociety and held in the Clore Lecture people. We’re not all Ministers”. The regarding Georgiadis’ affiliations At some point Georgiadis is heard time at the Chemistry Department, Theatre – both from College and heckling has begun. with LAOS [Popular Orthodox asking the audience: “You are the who (as revealed by Felix earlier this outside. One Imperial student gives The minister walks in more than Rally – a populist right wing Greek democrats? You know nothing about year) is considering a partial move to his perspective: half an hour late, met with a mixture political party] spark a series of democracy…. If you think you are a the College’s ‘Imperial West’ campus of booing and clapping. As the comments from the Minister resistance to the Troika by spending in White City. On Sunday, Adonis Georgiadis was Minister and all the other guests including: “So this is the Troika [the your parents money…” The audience In a further email sent on 20 March, invited to Imperial College London to walk in and take their seats, the European Union, European Central is justifiably outraged, several Prof. Armstrong noted how in the time discuss the Greek crisis and how the chair of the Hellenic Society, Mixalis Bank and International Monetary people are clearly professionals, not between now and the commencement country can move forward. The event Dinalexis, takes the stand and makes Fund – the three groups responsible affiliated with Imperial and can be of his role, he intends to dedicate was supported by the LSE Hellenic a small introductory speech. As he for the Greek bailout] resistance, heard shouting back: “We work!” time to planning the proposed new Society, the IC European Union talks the polarization in the room what a resistance! I’ll start crying!... At this point one of the organisers building and will be taking student Society, the IC Economics Society, becomes evident. In the front sit the I don’t deserve this charade”. He takes over and asks both sides to views into consideration. Promote Greece and Omikron members of the Society responsible ends up challenging the hecklers to have a civilized conversation without Following the handover, Prof. Greece. I’ve been waiting for this for organising the event and those come on the stage and talk openly. insulting each other. The Minister Welton will remain at the department all week, unsure of what to expect who are in agreement with the whole A young woman takes the invitation starts talking again. To questions as Professor of Sustainable Chemistry. from both the crowd and the guests. idea. In the back are those unhappy and proceeds to read a prepared about the cuts, the privatisations and I’m in the lecture theater waiting with this initiative – those who statement that paints a sad yet true their necessity the Minister replies Prof. Armstrong is currently a for the talk to start, pen and paper in are angry at the Government and picture of the state of Public Health in a challenging tone “…the people Professor of Organic Chemistry, hand. The atmosphere feels heavy but the Health Minister. As Dinalexis in Greece, based on facts and studies. decided to keep the country in the specialising in catalytic organic maybe that’s just me. The audience talks there are angry comments and She talks with confidence, as the Eurozone and this is what it’s taken reactions and synthesis of biologically is comprised of men and women of laughter coming from the back – not audience listens in silence. to stay in the Eurozone … Can you active compounds. He has received various ages – from the snippets of a good sign. However right before As Georgiadis tries to reply to find a solution to a country that is a number of awards in organic conversation I pick up they’re mostly he steps off the podium he makes a the points made in the decleration, bankrupt? … I believe that the state chemistry, as well as the ‘Novartis Greek. good point “…Who would be better shouts and insults are shot at cannot make profitable enterprises. Young Investigator Award’ in 1999 The Health Minister is 20 minutes for a challenging discussion than the him again. At some point he yells The people voted for me. We believe and a ‘Bristol-Myers Squibb Young late – at this point a group of people Minister of Health”. It is admittedly out sarcastically: “…what a great that privatizing will create revenue. Investigator Award’ in 2000-2003. hand out a declaration composed by very hard to corner Georgiadis, democracy you are…. I can reply If you are PASOK [Panhellenic More recently, he was awarded the Greek Imperial Students and Staff so a challenging discussion is an (but) it will never be possible for us to Socialist Movement – cenre-left ‘Rector’s Award for Excellence in against the invitation of Georgiadis understatement of what is about to understand each other”. As the crowd Greek political party] I don’t know.” Teaching’ from Imperial College in to Imperial. As time goes by, people follow. settles down, he starts tackling the The discussion continues for a total 2011. get more excited, more tense. The Greek Ambassador is given points made in the declaration again. of about two hours. Generally few 4 FRIDAY 21 MAR Editors: Nida Mahmud, Maciej Matuszewski, Aamna Mohdin, Aemun NEWS Reza, Kunal Wagle ([email protected])

RCSU Science Imperial Professor Chemical Engineering PhD receives award Challenge Winners elected as Einstein Announced Professor of the Chinese Academy of Sciences solvent to pass through the membrane, Chemistry so I had never worked with Nida Mahmud thus the filtering speed is greater. The machines before I embarked upon Joe Letts News Editor company Evonik has licenced two my PhD. The support and guidance Editor-in-Chief patents that were produced by Maria; I received from Imperial – especially Nida Mahmud Evonik are also sponsoring Maria’s from my supervisor – in this area has News Editor r Maria Fernanda Postdoctoral research, which focusses been invaluable in allowing me to n Monday the Jimenez Solomon was on creating filters that are larger so achieve this success. I look forward winners of the RCSU awarded the prize; can be used in industry. to continuing my research and am Science Challenge which is awarded to The Director of the Graduate School, excited at the prospect of developing were announced at he Head of the Department excellent PhD students Professor Sue Gibson said that: my ideas further.” the Science Challenge of Surgery and Cancer, Dwho are doing research that helps “Maria’s outstanding research in this OFinal, held at the Churchill War Professor Jeremy Nicholson solve industrial problems. Maria’s area has led to a significant scientific Rooms. has been elected as the supervisor is the Head of the breakthrough which will have a major The competition was open to Einstein Professor of the Department in Chemical Engineering, impact on industrial purification Imperial students and school children TChinese Academy of Sciences. The Professor Andrew Livingston. processes. The candidates for this who were tasked with chosing one motivation of this award is to develop Maria’s research focuses on year’s medal were very strong; however of three essay questions or the video the collaboration and exchange polymeric membranes, where plastic Maria’s determination, motivation and question. between the world’s best institution microporous films can be used to persistence throughout her research The overall winner of theand China’s national scientific body. remove impurities and toxic materials project make her a deserving winner. competition was Emma Wills (also Professor Nicholson said: “I am from pharmaceutical products. We are pleased to be able to recognise a contributor to Felix Science) who delighted to have been elected to this A conventional membrane would her achievements with this award.” wrote an essay Pallab Ghosh’s 9 year prestigious role and I’m thrilled to have typically break down on exposure to Maria commented: “The Armstrong old daughter, encouraging her to the chance to work closely with some organic solvents that are used during Medal is a very prestigious award study Exoplanets when she reaches of China’s leading research institutions the process. The membranes that are and I am absolutely delighted to have university. as part of the programme. This is an solvent stable are inefficient to use been chosen as the winner. I knew The judges, Prof. Fay Dowker, exciting opportunity to contribute as they only enable a small amount that I was up against a lot of really former Felix Editor Pallab Ghosh, to the training and development of of chemical to go through them. interesting and exciting projects, so Jon Kudlick of the Society of Biology China’s future scientific leaders, and However, the work undertaken by this was a very unexpected honour. and former RCSU President Dr. Jad I look forward to meeting many of Imperial College London Maria enables a greater amount of I actually have a background in Marrouche picked winning entries for them during the visits and lecture- both Imperial and school submissions. tours over the coming year”

all MONEY RAISED GOES TO CHARITY! mORE INFO & SIGN UPS: FB.COM/IMPERIALRAG UNION.IC.AC.UK/RAG FRIDAY 21 MAR 5 Editors: Nida Mahmud, Maciej Matuszewski, Aamna Mohdin, Aemun NEWS Reza, Kunal Wagle

questions are directly answered, with “You are racist! You are racist! You are courage to stand up to the people” Imperial Student Success in Georgiadis diverting the conversation a fascist!” – apparently in mockery of and reverts to attacking the ethos to a discussion about democracy his opposers in the audience. of the crowd that opposed him “… or the ethos of the audience, The last person from the audience Whenever they [communists] took Cyber Security Challenge and its political background, to speak is the young woman that was power they killed millions of people often dismissing participants of invited to speak up first. She proceeds … they will see all the people in the discussion as communists. to talk about her personal experience Greece die but for them this will be Brief moments of discussion are with a young girl with HIV in the nothing, because they will watch the interrupted by commotion during Koridalos prison in Athens. She TV and eat their burger … You did which the Minister and the audience criticises the reintroduction of the not let us do this conversation and exchange insults. regulation that requires mandatory this is fascism … Today’s event was a Notable remarks and questions STI testing of socially vulnerable great event … The Greek politicians from the audience include the finds groups such as sex workers, drug are not doing things they’ve ashamed discussed in papers in The Lancet, users and illegal immigrants. She of … We will not let our country fall a peer reviewed medical journal, gets emotional half way through. The because some communists want to.” which the Prime Minister dismisses Health Minister, outraged, attacks Indeed the whole event was a as “Opinions not Facts”, in particularl her for showing emotion and accuses great success for Georgiadis. He pointing out that the suicide and her of manipulating the crowd: “Like successfully evaded important vaccination numbers they cite are you’re the only (one that’s) human! questions on future reforms of the wrong. He also compares the Greek You should be ashamed! You’re the Health System by manipulating crisis to the 1945-6 British crisis monster”. and challenging the audience into a that led to the creation of the NHS The Discussion is closed after this. verbal fight. – a remark which is unfortunately The crowd has been getting smaller Ironically he kept going on about GCHQ coupled with a comment on illegal throughout the event and with this democracy, how the people had we didn’t teach it in schools, partly immigrants. Asked about suggestions outburst a large part of the crowd elected him, how he represents the Maciej Matuszewski because they’re unaware of the talent, to allow greater freedom of drug sales gets up and leaves. In the front, the will of the people and how opposing it’s hidden talent. We know there’s at lower prices by opening up the supporters of the Health Minister are him meant opposing them. He kept News Editor talent, the problem is finding it.” pharmacist profession, the Health applauding him. Georgiadis delivers repeating the same argument and I The aim of the Challenge is to bring Minister replies that such a policy his closing speech. It carries some of have to say, it got me thinking. We first year Imperialout this talent and put those who cannot be implemented in Greece the most absurd statements I have did vote for him. Democracy did computing student have it in touch with those who can as the country has one of the highest heard all night: “These people are in get him where he is. Is not a system has taken the second help them develop it further. Luke, numbers of pharmacies per capita. our universities, they’re everywhere, that results in such people acquiring place prize at this in particular, believes that “it’s a great He says such measures would result they speak of democracy but don’t political power flawed? Is this a result year’s Cyber Security way to meet people with a similar in half of them going out of business. let anyone that disagrees speak…We of the tyranny of the majority? Or is Challenge.A Luke Granger-Brown was interest, as well as to learn more about He is then asked about the incident have to show them that we are not it just a mind game that politicians one of 42 finalists taking part in the the policy side of things, and talk to surrounding the drowning of afraid of them. We are not afraid of play with us to make us believe that final round of the competition – the sponsors in the industry about what migrants off the coast of Farmakonisi them. We represent the free world yes, democracy is indeed flawed, Cyber Security Masterclass, this year it’s like to work in cyber-security”. and his statements on it in Greek … They make up the tyranny of the when in fact what we have is not taking place in the old Cabinet War The Challenge presents a diverse parliament. Georgiadis is specifically world… ” He goes on to talk about democracy. Perhaps it is the coupling Rooms. The competition was founded range of tasks to the competitors. asked what is the value of a human the difficulty of being a politician of democracy with capitalism that is in 2010 as a collaboration between Luke says: “There are three rounds to life – is the life of an immigrant less in Greece, “…You have to be proud problematic, I don’t know. All I know the UK government and several the main competition – first a virtual valuable than that of a Greek national of these politicians that have the is that we need change. prominent companies, including round, that’s entirely online. If you and whether that will be mirrored the defence contractor QinetiQ. The manage to get through that, then in his reforms. The Minister makes Sponsored Editorial competition is open primarily to there’s a face-to-face round, which is some comments on immigration and amateurs and aims to encourage more slightly more exciting. Passing that talks about how Greece has hit its people to develop the skills necessary gets you through to the Msterclass, limit, as well as accusing the inquirer to join the computer security industry which is the most thrilling part. of sneakily taking his statements Student Discounts At in the face of increasing threats to our Usually the Masterclass is in teams out of context. However, the computer networks. made up of people who qualified from conversation is swiftly derailed, with Speaking to Felix Luke expressed different ‘streams; ‘i.e. different face- the Minister eventually calling the Fresh Hairdressers his belief that “cyber-security is to-face rounds) to make sure there’s a crowd communist and commenting very important – computing is an diverse range of skill sets available in on Stalin’s policies. 70m from South Kensington tube unavoidable part of our everyday lives each team. When a doctor from the audience now, and it’s down to everyone to play The best part is almost certainly accuses him of being the first their part in keeping data secure”. the networking opportunities Health Minister in history to target However, the general public remains the Challenge provides - they’re particular ethnic groups, as well widely ignorant of how important it is. unparalleled and a great way to talk as criticising the government for “More than a few data breaches,” Luke to sponsors! The prizes are good too, disregarding scientific facts and added, “could’ve been avoided if the though - training courses and exams producing a climate of fear of Men’s cuts £22 (normally £35) same old advice had been followed: that would cost far too much for me censorship among the academic All over clipper cuts from £10 don’t click links in emails (especially to afford on my own. The Masterclass community, the conversation is Women’s cut and rough dry £28 ‘your account has been locked’ or competition itself was also really derailed into an argument over Women’s cut and salon finish blow- ‘your password has been changed’); amazing – a simulated scenario of a semantics of what is a fact and what dry £38 (normally £55) don’t download attachments you cyber-attack on Britain which had all is an opinion. Regarding measures Highlights from only £40 weren’t expecting or from people sorts of different aspects– network to tackle the humanitarian crisis in you don’t recognise; run up-to-date traffic analysis, speaking to the press Greece, all the Minister states is that Sorry CASH only! antivirus software.” and a mock board, writing up reports he is awaiting studies and data to find The lack of prominence of the field (both technical and non-technical), a solution and that hew will propose FRESH hairdressers are offering the Appointments available Tuesday to has resulted in a chronic shortage reverse engineering malware, creating measures by June. best haircuts, prices and service in Saturdays 9.30 to 6.30 of people wanting to work in the cleanup solutions for malware and The discussion is nearing its South Kensington. cyber security. While Luke first got penetration testing.” end. Throughout, there have been We are only 70 metres from South interested in computing as a result The competition’s organisers hope eruptions of commotion. Even the Please call 0207 823 8968 to book an Kensington station at 15a Harrington of family connections many other that the Cyber Security Challenge panelists seem to have lost their appointment and ask for a student road, South Kensington, SW7 3ES people who would thrive in the area encourages more people to pursue patience, not only with the audience discount. Please bring your student 0207 823 8968. simply do not realise that they have work in this field. As Luke says: “it’s a but also with the Minister – who is ID we look forward to seeing you. the abilities to do so. Speaking to big world out there and attackers are engaging in a game of verbal tag and We use the best styling products Check out our website: Wired magazine the Challenge CEO, only getting smarter and a wider range seems to try his best to challenge the from Wella, Moroccan Oil, L’Oreal. www.freshhairdressers.co.uk Stephanie Damen, said: “There are a of potential adversaries are appearing: crowd. When a young man makes a lot of people out there with the skills, we need better and better ways to comment on the Health Minister’s but for a lot of reasons, partly because protect ourselves.” English, Georgiadis starts shouting 6 FRIDAY 21 MAR

Editor: Shiladitya Ghosh FEATURES [email protected] House of Cards from the House of Lords Diana Lucaci and Alexander Morton talk to Lord Dobbs, creator of the House of Cards series

How has your life changed as a terrifying. It is desperately competitive invited writing and books ought to be result of writing House of Cards? and you never really know from one very proud of themselves. It totally… I wrote it as an accident. book to the next what’s going to I wrote it as a result of a bet. Actually, happen to your world. And when you It was suggested that having the I didn’t even write it as a bet, I was have family responsibilities, it is a real adaptation of House of Cards on challenged on a holiday to see if I challenge. It’s that terror that gets you Netflix made the series more similar could write a book and I was really out of bed in the morning and pushes to a book… bored and had nothing else to do you that step further. So, never take Yes, I can understand what they on holiday. I’m very bad on holiday it for granted. I so much prefer it to a meant, because it is conceived and so I sat down beside the swimming corporate life, being, I guess, my own written in a different way. We have 13 pool that afternoon with a pad and a boss. So many people come to me hours of television and it is possible pencil and a bottle of wine and I said saying “I want to write a book. How to conceive of that like a book with “I wonder if I could write a book?”. do I do it?” And I say it’s very simple a beginning, middle and an end. In Not in a serious way, but in a way – you sit down at a desk, and get out traditional television you have to write that many people climb Ben Nevis. your pen or keyboard and start. There an hour and then come to some sort of You climb Ben Nevis – it’s been done are so many reasons for putting it off, climax of sort because the viewer then a million times before. You climb it, and there is only one way to do it and has to go away. You have to engage you get there at the top and there’s a that’s to get on with it! Until I started the viewer to such extent that he or sense of fulfilment and achievement in I hadn’t the slightest idea whether I she is going to remember to switch on getting there, but nobody in the entire could write or not. It was a voyage of next week and hopefully remember world pays the slightest bit of notice you will not find my name on the Final To what extent are you involved in discovery. I still don’t regard myself as something from before. And then as it’s all been done a million times Cut, the television series. That was the Netflix production of House of being a great writer, I regard myself you have to have a reprise for two before. That’s what I thought that it because I don’t think that they had Cards? as being a competent writer and I’m minutes at the beginning. It’s a very would be like. taken any notice of the book. So it I’m an executive producer and I learning all the time. There are very artificial way of entertaining. Whereas So, I started writing this book. I wasn’t at all inspired by Mrs Thatcher, provided the original concept of the few great writers, but you can make being able to push a button and get found myself really enjoying the it was inspired by other people. characters and what they will do and yourself a much, much better writer as much as you want, when you want whole process. It sort of took off and The BBC did a wonderful version of what motivates them. I’m in touch by working very hard at it – which is it, is absolutely like a book. You stop transformed my life. It totally changed the House of Cards, and in all honesty, with them [the team] pretty much what I’ve been doing for almost … 27 it when you just want to rest and you my life for all the right reasons. And it the television series was much better every week, but because I’m in here years now! pick it up at your own time where you was a complete accident! than my amateurish attempt at writing and they’re there. While I go over to left it off. And in terms of writing, a book. By the time it got to the third the States quite a lot, there’s a real Do you have any favourite writers? creating a series, it is very liberating. As well as your boredom, was there one, the ‘Final Cut’, the book was much limit onto actually how much I can put Oh loads, yes. Being a writer opens When it is conceived as one work, anything else that inspired you? better that the TV series. The writing into it. I don’t do any of the writing, your imagination to all sorts of things, as opposed to ten or 13 connected I had just finished helping Margaret improved and the television series, that is done by a team of writers and I found, at least in my case, that it pieces of work, it allow for much more Thatcher fight in the 1987 general sadly, almost disappeared during the under a wonderful man called Beau opened my eyes, my mind to all sorts creative writing. election campaign, which was a very final series. Willimon and that’s taking place in of different writers. Many people are bruising experience. Mrs. Thatcher New York right now. I can’t be both in comfortable with one style of writing, You had fictional characters was desperately unkind to me at What do you like about the British New York and here; I have obligations one style of book, one genre, and portrayed on screen as well as your the time, and I was feeling a bit sore and the American adaptations? Do here. I am there to help them along, to I suppose that I was a bit like that. colleagues, such as Lady Thatcher. and I was sulking a bit. I had been you have any preferences? They are give them any advice that they want, Nowadays I read almost anything, and How accurately do you think that working incredibly hard for several so different having been adapted to to cheer them along, and to help sell as long as it is well written I can get she’s been portrayed? years leading up to that election. I different cultures… it – absolutely! And to enjoy every something out of it. The problem is one The last time I looked she has was feeling battered and bruised and Different cultures, different times. moment of it! In all honesty, if I fell is so busy writing and doing everything been portrayed over thirty times by I think that must have had some sort We’re actually talking a whole under a bus tomorrow, it would still else that the chance to sit down and different actresses on the screen -– of influence on me because as I said generation later. House of Cards was go on – and so it should! It’s a real read for joy are a bit restricted. I have many of them didn’t even get close. I went by the pool with my pad and written when mobile phones were team effort. I think that there are very a bookcase at home which I have built The one who did it brilliantly in the my pencil and a bottle of wine. By the scarcely featured. Now, of course, few irreplaceable people in the entire for my retirement and I’ve stuffed recent film was Meryl Streep, who was time the bottle of wine was finished all there are all sorts of technologies that work; Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright it, and I am still stuffing it, full of all stunning. I mean she was so accurate! I had on my pad were two initials, two completely dominate our lives. being the two very obvious ones. They the great novels that I have wanted I looked at her, I completely forgot letters: ‘FU’. I guess that was a sort of Which one do I prefer? It would be are brilliant. I have watched them to spend my time reading. Many, for that she was Meryl Streep, and I just therapy. And the F.U. became Francis like asking Mo Farah which one of his do their scenes and they are very instance, are American novels. I love saw Margaret Thatcher. Urquhart, Frank Underwood, and as I Olympic titles he prefers, the 5000m funny offstage. Spacey is a real comic! the freshness of American novels. How truthful was that portrayal? say it changed the rest of my life. or the 10,000m. They are different, While they are waiting for the sets to The Old English novels sort of go to Well it wasn’t truthful, it was a but I really do feel as if I’ve won two be rigged they are laughing, joshing my cultural roots, which is wonderful. piece of drama and people don’t Where did the name Urquhart come Olympic gold medals. Ian Richardson around, playing games, and all of a What’s the most recent book that I understand these things. They think from as it is a rather unusual name? [BBC] delivered superbly, Kevin sudden they change! They go onto the have read? A book by Simenon, one that a film about Margaret Thatcher It’s U. If you go to the telephone Spacey [Netflix] is just magnificent set and what you see on the screen of his Maigret novels, which was must be a documentary. It can’t be directory for U, there are actually a and I relish the difference. I would is this extraordinary, extraordinary delightful. Stirred up all sort of things. a documentary, it’s not going to be a very small number of names that begin hate for one to be a copy of the other! couple. I think they are dynamite, It’s of its time, it’s of its place – which documentary. This was a dramatic with U. Unwin, Underwood, Upright And let’s face it, we are at the early and I can see many of those scenes is France in the 1930s. It reminds me portrayal of somebody, an elderly – there isn’t really a huge selection. stages of the American version. So, it being acted out on stage because they of my childhood when I watched the I thought that the name Urquhart will go on for a third series now and are really theatrical and crackle with old Maigret films on television. It’s a had a rather nice Scottish flavour to it might go on even further than that. electricity. very slim little volume; it only takes a it, a slightly mysterious flavour to We’ll wait and see. But I will say this, few hours to read, but it is full of joy. it, a slightly noble flavour to it and I the American version and dealing After your first book, House of I think that books are like doors into wanted him to have a background. It with Kevin Spacey and all the people Cards, you went on to have a very different worlds – you walk through was really picked at random. involved in it has been and continues successful writing career. What that door and you find yourself in a to be the happiest professional made you continue and what tips totally different world. It’s wonderfully To what extent was the Final Cut experience of my life. They are would you have for budding writers? exciting and it’s so cheap – much (Season three of the BBC House brilliant, they are wonderful people, I enjoyed the freedom of it because better than getting on an airplane. It of Cards) inspired by Margaret they are incredibly professional and you indulge yourself, you decide what takes you back in time. It takes you Thatcher’s downfall? they are very warm and supportive. is you want to write, where it is you forward in time. It introduces you Well... You raise a slightly difficult And I have a huge buzz working with want to go, who is it you want to meet to so many new characters. It is a point… I fell out with the BBC and them and being with them. – so it’s incredibly indulgent! It is also wonderful, wonderful thing. Whoever NETFLIX FRIDAY 21 MAR 7

@feliximperial FelixImperial FEATURES

lady who was suffering greatly from How was joining the House of Lords in that and I can see lots of huge Liberal Democrats. You just had Mr to kill the bill!” Umm, thank you very Alzheimer’s, and it was a story about with the spectre of revolutionary disadvantages in that: it would make Miliband announce that he’s not much! I mean, we have now clearly how ‘nothing lasts forever’, how glory reform looming over it? it more expensive, more professional. going to guarantee an EU referendum established where all the parties stand always fades. If you look at it as a piece Oh, rather exciting. Rather I think that we would rush ahead with at the next election. I believe George on the EU Referendum Bill. From of drama, rather than as an attempt engaging. I got here just over three that sort of reform very unwisely. Osborne at Cabinet suggested that my point of view, the only way that to be a documentary on Margaret years ago and worked very hard to The place works surprisingly well. It in the next Queen’s speech we have anybody is going to be guaranteed Thatcher, suddenly it comes to life understand it [House of Lords] and to can be made better and we want it to the EU Referendum Bill and the Lib a referendum on the EU is to have a and you see it for what it is. But if you get to know its ways. You can’t come be made better. But the proposal for Dems said “over our dead bodies!” Conservative government after the think that this is the story of Margaret into an institution like this and think reform was shambolic, dreamed up on And it was always going to be that next election. Incidentally, an EU Thatcher then you are wasting your you know everything – it’s silly. Most the back of an envelope; they hadn’t way. I mean part of the exercise was referendum is not pro or anti. It is time. Go and read Charles Moore’s that do so make fools of themselves. thought it through and it quite rightly to smoke them out and see where simply about stopping all this political brilliant book – don’t watch a movie. What I had done is come to hugely got thrown on the dustbin of history. I they stood. I remember on the final nonsense that the parties have been From the movie you might be able to, respect the core of the institution and hope that as and when and if they do vote it was really rather bizarre, there up to over the decades. It is about and you should, find many insights a huge chunk of my colleagues here. come back with further measures for were people saying “we must discuss saying that the people, you guys, it’s into Margaret Thatcher, but it’s not It needs reform. Yeah, we are trying reform they would be better thought and analyse and debate this bill very your future, you decide! And a lot of going to be the ‘truth’. What is the to reform it – desperately! The one through than that. thoroughly, but we are not going to people who are desperately in favour ‘truth’? I read a history book and I say, man who has been trying to stand in allow you the time to do it…’” so they of a referendum are very pro-EU. “Is this the truth?” And it’s never the the way of the reform that we want Who do you think was responsible voted to end the sitting at three o’clock whole truth, sometimes it’s not even is Nick Clegg. But to elect it would for killing off the Private Member’s on a Friday and one of their members Lord Dobbs, thank you for your close to the truth and that’s history make us like that place down the other Bill [EU Referendum Bill] you were was standing up in the chamber, in the time. books. end *fingers pointing*, the House of steering through the Lords? confusion of the chamber, pointing My pleasure! Commons. I can see no real advantage Oh, the Labour Party and the at the division lobby saying “this way Face to Face with Abdulla Sheikh

This week I interviewed Abdulla Sheikh. He is a MSc student at Nida Mahmud Imperial who has recently started a business and is currently organising News Editor TedX Imperial as well as working on a number of other exciting projects.

Can you tell us a bit about us to apply to go to certain green tech handle all of the business elements. your current business in the conferences around the world, as well More importantly, I think it is much sustainability sector? as learn and network with the crème easier to contribute to society with Yes I can! Our name is Whotter; de la crème in the sustainability/ a start-up, as you are in the thick of our team consists of myself, Carlo, environment innovation field. innovating something that solves a a PHD from Physics and Arthur community issue and makes things a Masters student from Paris. We Ok that is really cool that you have better for others. Imperial has great How did you find being the plants, strangers, parents and so are trying to harness green energy been given business lectures and talent, I would highly recommend Interational Students Officer (ISO)? on! To demonstrate this I did a mini from waste as never done before. It’s travelled around Europe. What has people here to consider creating a I had two massive achievements! I campaign for ten days of random an innovative idea, we have some been your favourite part so far? start-up. You have to give a lot into it lobbied the university to have a fixed acts of kindness. One example was funding in the bag and a coach, Nicola Nothing beats the journey or, in but you definitely get loads out of it! fee policy for international students, where I accompanied Emma, an 85 (a successful entrepreneur) to help us other words, the exotic holiday, so fees don’t unfairly increase year on year old who was walking alone to her with it. Our aim is to provide a more haha! It consisted of 40 people with I understand you are also organising year. Cardiff was the first university home; on the way she shared some environmentally friendly technology a similar interest (working against TedX at Imperial. Tell me more in England and Wales to accept this amusing stories from her past. More in comparison to incineration, climate change); it lasted five weeks about it. policy, so yeah it was quite big! It will importantly, talking to someone made Anaerobic digestion etc, to harness and three exotic countries were Yes, we have a committee of about be implemented this year onwards and her really happy! Such people deserve energy while sustainably treating visited (Hungary, Netherlands and ten people. We have been working will save international students about much better! I hope others actually get waste on a large scale. We have been Spain). We got treated like VIPs, for about three months now to make a million pounds over the next five inspired enough from these acts and working on the idea for about three made some amazing friends, had one TEDxIC awesome! I have personally years! The second was campaigning spread some love. Actually, you should months now and have faced a number hell of a time and learnt all there is been involved more on the speaker to provide quiet rooms in every new check it out, you might like it: http:// of hurdles. In fact the initial idea to know about green innovation and and sponsorship side. We have building that is built, so students can sheikhabdullarashid.wordpress.com/ actually failed when we put it to test entrepreneurship. I don’t think any handpicked some amazing speakers, practise their faith without being hypothetically in the market, but we summer school can beat that! It was ranging from inspiring youth leaders worried about walking a kilometre or That was a very impressive list of did learn a lot from the failure and a life changing experience, I would to big time entrepreneurs. Our theme missing lectures. accomplishments, what do you now have kind of refined it! Fingers really recommend it! Check it out on is “one step ahead” so most of them hope to do in the future? crossed, if all goes well we might have the climate-KIC website. climate-kic. will be talking about amazing stuff With MUN will you be taking part My aim in life is to do something a start-up very soon inshallah [God org/for-students/summer-school/ they have been pioneering. The event in any conferences or events? that benefits the community, willing]! is on the 29th of March, tickets are Yes, I have managed to acquire some particularly the needy. As I mentioned What was the motivation for limited and the event is gonna be funding to participate and represent earlier, this can be done via innovation I understand that you were entering this programme? brilliant. Be there or be square! http:// Imperial in the National Model and entrepreneurship and that is my selected for the scheme as part of a My motivation to enter this www.tedximperialcollege.co.uk/ United Nations (NMUN) conference immediate plan. However, I think competition that you entered. Other programme was the summer journey. in New York this month. I’m really the amount of work that can be done than backing the business idea, I have always been interested in What other major projects have you excited about that! Don’t worry, I’ll die by being a politician is significant, what else does the prize include? entrepreneurship, innovation and been involved with in the past? before letting Imperial down! for example what I achieved as Yes, our idea was selected in a scheme sustainability; the moment I saw Well I was the ex-International International Officer couldn’t have called Green House run by Climate- the opportunity, I knew it was THE Student’s Officer at Cardiff uni. I And what is the ‘Love is in the air’ been possible by being just a student. KIC, we got our funding and coach as perfectly crafted summer tailored to have also worked extensively with campaign about? So I do envision getting into Indian part of this scheme. It all started last my interests! Islamic societies; they do some Love is the only infinite element politics and working very hard to help summer, all three of us were selected amazing work, you have probably on earth and it’s just sad to see how the people! Wish me luck. by Climate-KIC. We were taken What inspired you to start a heard about Charity Week. [Imperial little of it we use. So I wrote a blog on a fully sponsored five week trip business? ISoc raised almost £70,000 last year!] talking about how love is not only for Any last comments or around Europe, we were taught and I prefer working for myself than for Like WHAAA, I know! I have been Valentine’s day or Mother’s day, but recommendations for Imperial coached by top CEO’s and business somebody else! Business requires hard doing lots of debating and recently for every day. As Prophet Muhammad students? gurus from Europe about climate work and responsibility, but you also participated in LIMUN (London (Pbuh) said “love for your brother Be ambitious, aim and work very related entrepreneurship, which have the opportunity to learn loads. International Model United Nations). what you love for yourself”, we have hard for the wider good, spread love basically involved creating innovative For example with an engineering I have recently started blogging and to eliminate envy, hate, jealousy from all around and don’t worry too much businesses that not only make profit, job, I would probably only learn the done my first blog and a series of mini our lives. One way to do this is by about happiness. Let Newton’s third but are also environmentally friendly. technical stuff. But with my business, blogs on Love. incorporating small actions of love law work itself up: Every action has an Being a Climate-KIC student allows I do the technical side as well as towards our neighbours, animals, equal and opposite reaction! 8 FRIDAY 21 MAR

Editor: Nida Mahmud CLUBS & SOCS [email protected] International Night Successes

colourful acts from Thai Society, (Students Activities Manager) were impressive traditional Dikir Barat the traditional Japanese folk tale Charmain Li Hellenic Society, Irish Society, invited to judge which act deserved composed of a troupe of over 40 Momotarō, and filled it with lots Overseas Societies Chair Belly Dancing, Malaysian Society, to win the I-Night Award of £200. students and Funkology’s fierce of laughter, including cameos from Funkology, Japanese Society, Dance Each member of the audience was street dancing, to the Irish Society’s Pikachu and Pac-Man! nternational Night (I-Night): Company, Bangladeshi Society, also automatically entered into a raffle performance dancing and the All in all, it was a diverse and Beyond Barriers 2014 organised Cypriot Society and a catwalk by to win a £100 travel voucher, kindly Fashion Society’s combination of entertaining affair this year, with by the Overseas Societies Fashion Society! provided by STA Travel – talk about original creations and traditional reviews raving about performances Committee (OSC) took place Four esteemed judges, including a good deal! dress. Together, it was an eclectic and that were better than ever! Keep your last Thursday at the Great Yas Edwards (DPCS), Sharon Bolton Directed by Yiting Low and the culturally educational evening! eyes peeled for next year’s competition IHall. Bringing together 10 different (Head of International Student OSC team led by Charmain Li, the However, there could only be one which promises to be a spectacular Imperial College student societies in Support), Anne Barrett (College show featured stunning performances winner… which was rightly claimed show of Imperial’s multicultural a nail-biting competition, it involved Archivist) and Anthony Crowther ranged from the Malaysian Society’s by the Japanese Society, who adapted diversity!

Overseas Society

I wanted to make a difference. So I did.

Just 16% of pupils eligible for free school meals make it to university, compared to 96% from independent schools.*

Change their lives. Change yours.

Matt Inniss, The University of Cambridge Taught: History Now: Head of Department

To find out more, contact Jen Pleasance [email protected]

The single most important thing you will do teachfirst.org.uk Charity No 1098294 FRIDAY 21 MAR 9

Editor: Lawrence ENVIRONMENT D’Silva [email protected] & HEALTH The UK to lead the world with new Dirty Stethoscopes Carbon Capture Storage project

Fox News

examination. Tom Stroud This is not the first time the Contributor prospect of stethoscopes being a key cause of infection has been disclosed. SHELL Way back in 1972, an article in The study published this Lancet examined 100 stethoscopes Lawrence D’Silva up to a million tons of CO2 emissions effort until year 2100. Despite this, it month has displayed from doctors of different specialties Environment & Health Editor per year. has to date been fraught with major the possibility that a in a London hospital and found The £100m project will capture concerns over economic efficiencies doctor’s stethoscope them all to contain large amounts of up to 90% of the emissions from and technological hurdles. CCS could be a major source bacteria, including the food poisoning one of the plant’s three gas turbines, has actually been around for many ofA bacterial transmission in clinical staphylococci bacteria. t the end of February, simultaneously cleaning up the North decades but is yet to proven effectively practice. The study, published in an Dr. Didier Pittet, director of Nick Clegg and energy Sea gas feedstocks whilst creating at the scale of large power stations. issue of Mayo Clinic Proceedings, the Infection Control Program at secretary Ed Davey up to 2000 jobs in the construction, The main concerns have been exposed how stethoscopes contain a University of Geneva Hospitals, in announced a joint operation and technical management around the successful joining up the huge number of bacteria relative to a Switzerland said, “The important deal with Shell for the of the CCS system. The deal with Shell all the parts of the process, namely doctor’s hands. implication is that the stethoscope, retrofittingA of the Peterhead gas fired will make Peterhead the first large scale capture, transportation and storage, The results found the diaphragm whether used by a doctor, a nurse, an power station in Scotland with Carbon large gas power station in the world to a task that has proven notoriously of a stethoscope (the larger side) to assistant nurse or any staff, needs to Capture Storage (CCS) technology. capture its carbon emissions and the difficult. Furthermore, given that all contain more bacteria than every part be cleansed after each use.” Whilst the UK would lead the world excitement over this was captured by parts of the process work, there still of the hand except the fingertips. One Hopefully, doctors will follow the with such a project, there has always Deputy Prime minister Nick Clegg remains concern over the costs of of the strains of bacteria found on the advice of the experts and think of been a black cloud of doubt over CCS who stated that “it shows we can build running a CCS system and many have stethoscopes was the multi-resistant the stethoscope as an extension of as a way to meet our ambitious CO2 a stronger economy and do it fairly by questioned whether it is really worth MRSA. The authors concluded that their fingertips, in order to reduce the emission targets. protecting our environment for future its traditionally enormous price tag. every physician should clean their lethal transmission of multi-resistant The Peteterhead power station generations.” Further still, it must be remembered stethoscope after every patient bacteria. managed to beat off several other Whilst the optimistic mind-set of that attempts to initiate role out of contenders to become one of two Mr Clegg is certainly quite appealing, CCS have failed with the UK’s previous power stations to win the government’s it is well worth examining CCS more CCS competition attempt having Want to write for the Environment CCS competition. The signing of the deeply to grasp why it has taken off collapsed. Whilst the announcement deal marks the first major step in the relatively slowly despite having been of the Peterhead project is a hugely & Health Section? project by commissioning a front-end initially developed a relatively long exciting one, dredging up of such engineering and design (FEED) study. time ago. CCS is touted for great memories should remind us to On completion, the plant will have the things with the IPCC estimating its proceed with caution but should in no Send us an email at ability to power around half a million economic potential to be between 10% way thwart ambition. homes with clean energy by removing and 55% of the total carbon mitigation [email protected]

Record uptake of new carbon trading schemes in 2013 says new global report

The global carbon market has not happened in a harmonised, top-down fashion as expected by policymakers and analysts in the 1990s and early 2000s. But rather, it is “growing from a bottom up approach – building on a multitude of systems that do not follow one blueprint, but have found different answers to questions like cap-setting, allocation, scope, and flexibility provisions doug ross @ Journal for purpose. The report which is the first of its 1990s and early 2000s. But rather, it is such as the steep drop in carbon Lawrence D’Silva China’s five schemes implemented kind is produced by the International growing from a bottom up approach price following the 2008 economic Environment & Health Editor last year make up over half the total of Carbon Action Partnership (ICAP) – building on a multitude of systems crisis. The ICAP report makes nine schemes implemented globally, and is designed to fulfil the monitoring that do not” follow one blueprint, implementation recommendations on new report released in the other four being in Kazakhstan, requirement necessary to ensure but have found different answers to the proposed EU ‘backloading scheme’ February has shown Switzerland, Quebec and California. carbon trading schemes are effective questions like cap-setting, allocation, where 900 million carbon credits will last year to have been The Chinese schemes are at the in reducing emissions globally as their scope, and flexibility provisions”. be held back from entering the market a record year for the metropolitan and provincial level prevalence increases. The report, The report also details how Europe to spur activity. implementation of new and will act as precursors to the which will be published annually, will will have to make major alterations to 2013 was a great year for carbonA trading schemes around the implementation at the national level in allow countries to learn from each ensure its carbon market continues implementing new carbon trading globe in an effort to help curb carbon the near future. Such activity is highly other in how best to implement the to operate effectively. The European schemes and guidance provided by the emissions. Whilst China, the world’s significant and marks a clear move schemes. In a press release the ICAP Emissions Trading Scheme (EU ETS) new ICAP report in integrating and largest greenhouse gas emitter has away from using command and control stated “The global carbon market is one of the EU’s cornerstone policies unifying what has thus far been a piece led the way with five new schemes, measures such as bans and standards has not happened in a harmonised, to combat climate change and whilst it meal, bottom up approach, means that Europe has had to make adjustments to reduce emissions, towards a more top-down fashion as expected by is the oldest and largest scheme of its 2014 may well be even better. to its scheme to ensure it remains fit market based approach. policymakers and analysts in the kind, it has suffered severe problems 10 FRIDAY 21 MAR

ENVIRONMENT Editor: Lawrence D’Silva & HEALTH [email protected] A call for doctors The Cancer Envy Campaign

life and a superior government policy, reducing the health inequalities taking Tom Stroud to name a few. Richer countries should place. Barbara Jemic, a reconstructive Contributor do more to alleviate the consequences surgeon who works at the Royal Free of this ‘brain drain’. hospital in London, undertook a In order to help these countries out in humanitarian mission to Sierra Leone he number of doctors caring for the vast numbers of people last year. She said: “I travelled to Sierra travelling abroad on suffering from infectious diseases, Leone to provide essential training ‘humanitarian’ missions doctors should be encouraged to to a number of local doctors, nurses, in order to provide help undertake humanitarian missions at therapists and medical students. for the millions of people some point in their careers. A lack of Straightaway I was hit by the stark Tsuffering in less developed countries doctors who are willing to go on these contrast between the resources, is nanoscopic. In fact, more doctors humanitarian duties has urged the facilities, and level of care accessible in the less developed countries such British Medical Association (BMA) in the UK compared to the developing as Ghana, Sierra Leone and Syria to act. world.” are migrating to the UK because Recently, the BMA announced that David Nott, a general surgeon at of the attractive salary and more they will offer thousands of pounds Chelsea and Westminster hospital, The recent campaigner for ‘Pancreatic Cancer Action’, Kerry Harvey, just a few sophisticated health system. This to doctors and nurses in order to has been labelled the ‘Indiana Jones’ weeks ago at 24 years old. PANCREATICCANCERACTION.ORG leaves these countries starved of fund them on humanitarian missions of surgery. He has taken unpaid leave healthcare professionals of which they abroad. Grants of up to £3000 are annually to provide help and to train jaundice and diabetes. These are are in dire need. available from the BMA, who said: doctors in warzones for over 20 years. Emily Plummer important to spot early on, report 57 countries in the less developed “the cash is intended to help with Starting in Sarajevo in 1993 and most Contributor to a doctor and if necessary obtain world have a ‘critical shortage’ of travel and subsistence costs from a recently in Syria, he operates, trains adequate medical attention to slow its health workers, meaning that there’s fund with a total value of £20,000.” and innovates in the most extreme relatively rapid progression and raise fewer than 2.5 health care providers In the future it may be possible conditions. ancreatic cancer has the its poor survival rates. So of course the per 1000 population. 2.4 million extra for such philanthropic missions to Dr Terry John, chair of the BMA’s lowest survival rate out public need to be informed about it. doctors, nurses and midwives are become a compulsory part of the international committee, who was of the common cancers; Nevertheless the comparison to needed to meet the global demands medical curriculum. In India, this behind the idea of funding doctors to only three percent make different cancers in my opinion was for health workers. has already happened, from 2015 help out in less developed countries, it past five years, with the off key. Its main flaw I think was that The situation in Ghana is a prime all trainee doctors undertaking the said “... it is incredibly inspiring to hear Pmajority only making it to 4-6 months it seemed to trivialise other forms of example of the health disparities MBBS course will have to undertake of colleagues showing great drive, after diagnosis. The campaign aimed cancer by pitching the survival figures which are occurring worldwide. There a mandatory rural posting at a rural courage and enthusiasm to improve to improve public awareness regarding against each other. Every cancer is was a 47% increase in the numbers of public health centre. India’s 148,000 the lives of patients across the world.” this. Its tagline portrayed how those devastating to an individual and their Ghanaian doctors emigrating to more public health centres, which are the The people who embark on these with pancreatic cancer wished they family; looking past the numbers it developed countries between 1998 closest primary care stops for nearby magnificent journeys lead by example had other types which have better is the context of the disease which is and 2003. Furthermore, the number of villages, are predominately only run in the world of medicine. Future survival rates and well researched important. With more than a third of doctors who practice in the UK who by midwives. doctors should be inspired by the treatment options hence the named people in the UK who will be diagnosed were trained in Ghana increased by Although there is a huge shortage difference they are making and ‘envy’ campaign. Kerry, a sufferer with cancer in their lifetime we are 110% from 1999 to 2004. The reasons of doctors endeavouring to help should strive to reduce global health herself, said she honestly wished likely to experience this. And yes of for migration are obvious: better pay out in less developed countries, inequalities. she had breast cancer. She pushed course pancreatic cancer sufferers for the physicians, a better quality of some physicians have committed to for pancreatic cancer to gain more will wish for a better outlook but that attention and in consequence more is true for any situation and speaking funding for research to help people plainly encouraging comparisons like her, which is definitely positive between cancers is not helpful. Three is no longer a crowd and to be applauded. However, the I admire Kerry and support the drive comparing of different cancers is a for public health awareness but think controversial concept, which evoked there are different more helpful angles strong opinions, especially from those to do so. Perhaps, focusing on hope with the identified ‘preferable’ cancers and defiance in the face of cancer, as like breast cancer. the Irish Cancer Society has recently, Pancreatic cancer doesn’t result will garner a more positive response. in symptoms until its late stages The campaigning charity “will never of development, when it can cause forget Kerry who will be dearly the unspecific symptoms of upper missed, and remain in the hearts and abdominal pain that intermittently thoughts of all of us at Pancreatic spreads to the back, weight loss, Cancer Action".

Don’t worry, Felix will still be available online over Easter! Nadiah Fernandes are inherited solely from the mother. regulations still need to be reviewed Contributor If the DNA in them is mutated, then as part of a public consultation but this can result in children inheriting could be legislation by early 2015. It mitochondrial disease, which severely is predicted that only ten cases a year Pop over to our e are even closer affects 1 in 6500 children – more than would qualify for the procedure, as website at to seeing Britain that affected by childhood cancer. only the worst affected women would become the first These disease-free IVF babies would be eligible. The Department of Health country in the be created with the genetic material fully backs the proposals and have world to allow a from the two parents but using a donor stated that the review is not about threeW person baby to be born through embryo with the nucleus removed. whether it should be permitted or felixonline. IVF, as draft rules were announced last This would mean the baby would not but merely about how we should week to regulate the process. This is in inherit the donor’s mitochondria but regulate it. While some herald this an attempt to help mothers with faulty only the parents’ DNA. The draft rules as a great start towards combating co.uk mitochondria bear healthy children. currently proposed suggest that the mitochondrial disease, others are Mitochondria are the ‘powerhouses’ children will not be able to find out much more sceptical about the ethics of cells, where respiration occurs, and the identity of the donor – in a similar behind this and claim it is one step contain 0.2% of genetic material. They manner to that of organ donors. These further towards ‘designer babies’. Union Page

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The Union Survey is your chance to let us know what you think about the many Community Connections links Imperial students with the local community services that we run and provide. The survey doesn’t take long to complete through volunteering. and helps us understand how to make your Union better for you. Changes we have made over the last few years have helped us become one of the most Whatever you study or the year you are in, whether you’re an undergraduate or improved Students’ Unions in the UK. In the recent Times Higher Education postgraduate, if you have a couple of days to spare each month or just a few Student Experience Survey we became the fourth most improved Union over hours, if you want to volunteer by yourself or participate in a mass volunteer the last two years. event, there’s a volunteering opportunity to suit everyone’s interests and timetables. FOR JUST A FEW MINUTES OF YOUR TIME, YOU COULD WIN ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PRIZES: All you need to do is register to find out more about the volunteering opportunities available and receive our bi-weekly Community Connections • 2 x iPad Minis with Retina Display e-bulletin. • 2 x £20 Union Shop vouchers • 2 pairs of Summer Ball 2014 tickets You can search for your ideal volunteer opportunity on our website and join • 10 x Nando’s Combo Meal vouchers a group of other students by participating in our fun and rewarding Mass Volunteering events. This is the fourth Union Survey we have run and already we have made big changes as a result of your feedback. Our ‘You said, we did’ campaign Remember, whatever volunteering opportunities you take up either with or highlights the changes we have made. via the Union, make sure you are recognised for your efforts by registering for Imperial Plus. Log your volunteer hours and reflect on the skills you gain though This really does help us to improve everything we do, so help us keep volunteering that boost your employability to gain the Volunteer Certificate for improving for you. We will be selecting winners at random for the prize draw 25, 25 or 75 hours, or the Volunteer Accreditation for 100 hours plus attendance and announcing them online. at four skills based workshops. imperialcollegeunion.org/unionsurvey imperialcollegeunion.org/volunteering The Big Elections results are in! A massive thank you to the 6,500+ of you that voted in The Big Elections 2014 helping us towards our second highest ever number of voters. We smashed our record of 100,000 votes cast with a total of 151,802 - a UK record! Overall turnout was 39.31% narrowly behind last year’s turnout, but still a huge achievement. The results were announced at our Results Party in Metric on Friday 14 March. For those of you who didn’t join us, we would like to introduce you to your Sabbatical Team 2014/15.

• President: Tom Wheeler • Deputy President Clubs & Societies: Abigail de Bruin • Deputy President Education: Pascal Loose • Deputy President Finance & Services: Alex Savell • Deputy President Welfare: Christopher Kaye

You can find all The Big Elections results online at imperialcollegeunion.org/results

imperialcollegeunion.org 12 FRIDAY 21 MAR

Editors: Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey COMMENT [email protected] Tell me it’s O-Kaye

at worst disingenuous: Mr Kaye’s who had a good time at Imperial back stead because it is better run than the tion as Deputy President (Welfare) Nick Farmer manifesto promised donations to the when there was only one sabbatical Union?Meanwhile, the problems that will prompt debate and allow students Writer scholarship fund, a vote on whether officer, Chris Kaye told viewers that students at Imperial really face every to evaluate what their Union should sabbatical officers should become he intended to get rid of the Deputy day continue. We still see extremely be doing for them. This is true in the he most controversial honorary life members of the Union, President (Welfare). high levels of stress and low levels of same way that telling the police to not of next year’s sabbatical and pressure on college to reform Now, it was never clear why Mr satisfaction among students, we have turn up for work might show us how officers is, no doubt, Chris draconian coursework rules. These Kaye becoming DP(W) would be the big problems with mental health and much we rely on the enforcement of Kaye. In an online media are all very worthy policies, but Chris’ most effective way to achieve this; as sexual assault: Mr Kaye’s response is laws for public safety. outlet that may never be big point about reducing the number he himself pointed out, any Imperial to suggest that we need less rather There is a vulgar saying that goes Tnamed within these pages, we are told of sabbatical officers was nowhere to student can bring a paper to council. than more attention focused on the something like, “it’s better for one to that the incoming Deputy President be seen on his manifesto, and was not What is even less clear is why some- pressing welfare issues that we face. be on the inside of the tent pissing out (Welfare) ran on a platform of a scaled information that was readily available one who doesn’t think a job should ex- This brings to mind his campaign for than on the outside pissing in.” Mr back and cost-effective union, merging to voters. ist is the person that should be doing Gender Equality Officer, running on Kaye, through his (often admirable) the positions of Deputy President In fact, it took cross-examination on that job. How does Mr Kaye have any the platform of “this position does not dissent in Union Council has shown (Welfare) and Deputy President STOIC’s “Meet the Candidates” show incentive to expand and improve the need to exist.” that he was never afraid to attack the (Education), and has a mandate from for the real story to come out. After welfare offerings of the Union, when We have been told recently in an on- Union, but now he is very much in- students to roll the union back. a perplexing chain of reasoning that he himself thinks that students should line tabloid (the name of which I can- side, we have to make sure he does not This claim is at best mistaken and started with pub chat with an alumnus take their problems to the college in- not remember) that Mr Kaye’s elec- try to piss all over us. Oh, what’s wrong with the world today?

paper contraption people used to get Potter that would save the world, the rhetoric, Iran’s new president seems us and lead us, and instead rely on Pietro Aronica their news in the pre-internet days, it last hope sent back in time to save us like an ok guy, and even the head everyone’s contributions. Writer was actually a rather inspiring state of all, the chosen one to save humanity, of the Catholic Church, one of the This is all well and good but affairs. the saviour that had to save, save, save, most reactionary organisations in unfortunately it means that standing The world was in bad shape, and everything needed to be saved by the history, is turning out to be a decent, out is next to impossible. there was a mighty need for someone impending doom. Starving children, open-minded person; in both cases Some of us wanted to end world t used to be that the world was to fix it. So much was wrong that oppressed minorities, failing crops, it is more of a natural consequence hunger by creating a giant tomato, an absolutely awful place. People every kid could grow up to be a hero. dwindling resources, there always of the gradual change for the better dammit, and instead it’s going to be were starving left and right in all You could discover the next miracle someone or something that was just rather than a sudden dramatic shift in a slow but constant process of more those countries to the South, the drug and cure AIDS once and forever, waiting for a great hero. mentality. All in all, things are looking efficient food production, less waste hole in the ozone layer was going or you could help save the rainforest, But at some point the world stopped up. and better management. Ito kill us all, there was no more oil left, or you could bring books to crippled being the trailer for a disaster movie. Don’t mistake this for complacence. Sure, there’s bigots and homophobes grubby foreigners were going to steal orphans in the Middle East. Did you The media never really took notice, Not everything is good yet, and and racists in power, but they die and all of our jobs, and the latest Star Wars prefer the beach? The Great Coral but reality did. More or less naturally, there’s a lot that needs to be done still; are replaced by more tolerant leaders. movie was the biggest tragedy of our Reef needed a hand. Like the animals? things have gotten better. Nearly every but the situation was dramatically Fifty years ago they fought interracial generation. Pandas have trouble getting it on. statistic used to measure our decline misrepresented, and, even worse, marriages and, having lost that battle, No matter which media outlet you More of a people person? Gays aren’t shows that we’re really headed in the there’s no more need for a single today they have to fight gay marriages: checked, bad news piled up higher going to stop being persecuted by right direction: the number of people Great Man™ (or Great Woman™) to fix eventually, things will get better. than the corpses of all the various themselves, you know. living in extreme poverty has gone it. The age of the individual is fading The last thing that megalomaniacs species we were forcing into early Everywhere you turned, the world down, literacy rates are up, we’re fast, and now more than ever it is have got going for them is hoping that extinction for fun. Every day there was was in dire need of someone to living in the most peaceful time in collective, small efforts that are going the new Star Wars movie is awful and a new crisis that threatened to destroy save it and bring justice, peace and history, and all of it without a messiah to make our problems go away, not the overfilled with lens flare. Maybe there us: GMOs, the Y2K bug, El Niño, prosperity. As we were told that we to rise and ordain it. actions of the single. There’s a reason will be a need for a messiah there, to you name it, we were on the verge of were special little snowflakes, and that The date for when we finally run out why the gay rights movement exists bring to the franchise the salvation it global catastrophe RIGHT NOW, and in each of us there was the potential of oil is being pushed back and back, and is healthy, but doesn’t have the needs. NOTHING would be spared. for great things, we were presented and we may actually wrap our heads equivalent of a Rosa Parks or a Martin This universe scarcely needs a While it was perhaps a ploy to sell with a list of dramatic problems that around these newfangled “renewable Luther King Jr.: we’ve outgrown the saviour, but perhaps the Expanded more copies of magazines or whatever needed fixing. Each of us was a Harry resources”. After decades of violent need for an individual to inspire one does. FRIDAY 21 MAR 13

@feliximperial

FelixImperial COMMENT

Hating headlines that tell you how to feel

miss) ‘factual’ output, the channel services that has become a familiar James Bezer has been praised as an ideal training symptom of budget cuts in many Writer ground for new comics, providing major organisations. opportunities to take risks that other I agree with this. I don’t see this ld people have always higher profile outlets would be less decision as a “war on the young” (as a had it in for BBC3. willing to accept. Yet last week, 8 of recent Huffington Post piece described Unlike the sleepy its 10 most watched shows were either it), but as a war on bad programming. old BBC4, home of films or old Family Guy episodes – BBC3 is a channel aimed not at young gentle documentaries hardly the radical new programming people, but at a patronising caricature Opresented by the lovely Lucy Worsley, paraded as the channel’s raison d’être. of a young person sat on a desk in a big BBC3 is an overactive puppy, full of Alright, I’ll admit it. As you may office at the top of broadcasting house. rebellion and naïve excitement that have noticed from my use of the phrase I’d like to inform the BBC that most of spends most of its spare time engaged “raison d’être”, I’m not a regular viewer us are, for instance, perfectly capable in an act of passion with the living of BBC3. Despite still, just, being a of taking in news without it first having room furniture. The elderly mention teenager, I have a mental age of about to be condensed into 60-second it with disgust as a classic example of 50, and so have failed to find much on ‘bitesize’ chunks, with news about the the shocking behaviours of the ‘youth the channel particularly appealing. economy being balanced out with a of today’. To many observers, then, But, despite my personal feelings, as a healthy dose of Justin Bieber. it has come as no surprise that BBC publicly funded broadcaster, the BBC The move online, along with a budget big-wigs, most of them old and bald is still obliged to provide something cut, will hopefully focus the channel’s enough to benefit from a big wig, have for everyone, whatever their age, content onto a smaller number of decided that this little puppy should background and preferences, which is higher quality programmes. This be put down. why this decision has been attacked by can only be a good thing. The iPlayer, In its 10 years on our screens, BBC3 many in the popular press. one of the biggest brands in digital has brought us some groundbreaking Critics have portrayed the channel’s media, will be a fitting home for the comedy, with praise and awards demise as a bunch of old middle-class channel and the digital generation it’s heaped upon some of the best known men forcing young people to take aimed at. This, I hope, will provide an shows of the past decade. But for the brunt of the financial hardship. engaging, high-quality, maybe even every Gavin and Stacey or Little But is this decision really down to intelligent service targeted at young Britain, there’s been a bewildering a war between the generations? Or people, alongside the multitude of the newspaper of Imperial College London variety of appalling reality TV and is it simply the most efficient way popular programmes on the BBC’s bizarre documentaries whose mere of cutting expenditures? The man other channels. Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. names I couldn’t possibly mention wielding the axe, Director-General So, for once, I’m happy with this Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. in case someone with taste might be Tony Hall, now a venerable 63, insists particular round of cuts. Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. reading this. its move to an afterlife on the iPlayer is Just so long as they don’t get rid of Copyright © Felix 2014. Despite its hit-and-miss (mainly preferable to the ‘salami-slicing’ of key BBC4.

EDITORIAL TEAM: Editor-in-Chief Joe Letts News Editors Nida Mahmud, Aamna Mohdin, Aemun Reza, Maciej Matuszewski Features Editor Shiladitya Ghosh Wellbeing Editor Marissa Lewis Business Editor James Tsim Science Editors Philippa Skett, Keir Little, Fiona Hartley Politics Editor Kartikeya Rana, Jash Rughani Food Editors Carol Ann Cheah, Michael Chung Comment Editors Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey Arts Editor Arianna Sorba Fashion Editor Cécile Borkhataria Books Editors Maciej Matuszewski, Eva Rosenthal Music Editors Simon Hunter, Riaz Agahi, Stuart Masson Television Editors John Park, Emily Fulham Film Editor John Park Games Editors Maximilian Eggl, Calum Skene Technology Editors Maximilian Eggl, Yong Wen Chua, Osama Arawa, Clubs & Socs Editor Nida Mahmud Charity Editor Ben Fernando Travel Editor Chris Richardson Sports Editor Kunal Wagle Online Editors Philip Kent, Annina Sartor, Stephen Ball Puzzles Commanders Kingshuk Dasadhikari, Oliver Price Copycats Stephen Ball and Annina Sartor Copykittens Tom Rivlin, Mattin Mir-Tahmasebi, Xiao Zhang. Special thanks to: Kunal Wagle, Tessa Davey, Annina Sartor, Chris Witham, Max Eggl and Ellen Mathieson for helping with the “Felix Big Move 2014”. featuring DJs JEFF AUTOMATIC ALEX DAN DE-LACEY ALANI RYAN ROBERTS IC RADIO JAZZ AND ROCK SOCIETY PRESENT + LIVE BANDS Interval Immortal Machinery

table football tournament winner stays on! imperialcollegeunion.org/whats-on ARSITY RESULTS edited by kunal wagle

FIND OUT WHO WON, WHO LOST (()(( ((((()(((((((((((((((((AND WHO DREW 0-0

#impvarsity JPR WILLIAMS CUP Ruthless Medics crush College at Stoop to take cup The College briefly threatened as the Medics took full control at the Stoop and never let it go to destroy the College and take the JPR WIlliams Cup in front of a great crowd at the Stoop in Twickenham to round off Varsity.

and kept it, and the college never truly had a sniff of victory, despite taking Kunal Wagle an early lead in the first half. The JOE LETTS Sports Editor medics soon put themselves on the board though, and by half time had already secured a 20-6 lead, including two tries. Any hopes of a College n the 12th March, comeback were scrapped fairly early a large number of in the second half despite an early try, Imperial students as the medics were ruthless as they descended on romped home to a 37-11 victory. the Stoop in OTwickenham, home of the Harlequins. It was not the result the College But this day was not a regular match were hoping for, especially when they day in the Aviva Premiership. No, got off to what was seemingly a strong this was something on a much bigger start. After the traditional fanfare of scale. This match day was the Varsity coming out through a tunnel created clash where the JPR Williams Cup from a cheerleader routine, and being would be won and lost. The crowd introduced to various VIPs (including gathered quickly, ready to see a closely JPR Williams himself), the College fought contest that would provide began confidently. They spent the much excitement. first five minutes camped inside the medics’ half, winning both a scrum They were provided with the latter, and a lineout within the medics’ but unfortunately not with the former. 22. However, they were unable to The medics took control of the game capitalise, and could only take 3 points 11. THE SIDES AS THEY STARTED 11. Whitby Mann 7. 7. Godfrey Murray 1. 1. McGrath Bagby 4. 9. 4. 9. O’Connell Barrie Warren Fraser (C) 15. 10. 10. 8. 2. 2. 8. 15. Harling Cox Scarborough Rees Poynton Hobson Hardisty O’Donnell 12. 5. 5. 12. Bowden Super Morris Nielsen-Scott 3. 3. 13. 13. McGeoch Lineham Floyd Clough 6. 6. Saeed (C) Hedley (VC)

14. 14. Nzekwue White JPR WILLIAMS CUP Ruthless Medics crush College at Stoop to take cup The College briefly threatened as the Medics took full control at the Stoop and never let it go to destroy the College and take the JPR WIlliams Cup in front of a great crowd at the Stoop in Twickenham to round off Varsity.

with a penalty. This was to be the story of their day.

But this was not the case for the medics. They were soon gaining territory themselves in the College half, and this time they made no mistake. After numerous phases, scrum half Andrew Barrie was able to make a quick dash to the line, making sure to place the ball under the posts. Outside Centre OIiver Clough slotted over the posts to put the medics into an early 7-3 lead.

Soon the medics were pushing again, but with no try in sight Clough chose to take the points, and nonchalantly dropkicked the ball through the sticks to extend the lead by 3 points. The boot of Clough was to become something that the medics could depend on during the course of the game.

The next five minutes turned out to be one of the few passages of play in which the College dominated. However, for all their determination and effort, they were unable to score the try that would have given them the confidence that they needed to really kick on and win the game. After another medic infringement the College chose to go for the points and E. ALEX VOINAS fly half James Cox took them gleefully and, more importantly, successfully, to pull the game back to 10-6. Clough again showed great skill as playing for the medics at number 8. making the scoreline seem closer. he kicked into the corner to force a As usual, Clough knocked over the However, this didn’t stop the But this was not to be, as the medics This brief period could not provide lineout on the five-metre line. This penalty; it was suddenly 17-6 with five College, who now entered another kept applying pressure to the College the College with much respite, and was to prove very fruitful, as after minutes to go until half time. period of domination. At one stage defence. The College eventually soon they were again defending more phases of rugby the Medics were it really looked as though this move succumbed to the pressure that the deep into their own territory. Just able to push over the line. This time College could have been forgiven would not prevail, but captain medics were applying when wing as it seemed as though the College it was in the form of former England at this stage if they were looking Michael O’Connell was determined Chidi Nzekwue went over under the had defended their line admirably International Tom Rees, who was forward to ten minutes of respite and it was him who went over the line posts to add another five points. As in the dressing room, but before to score the College’s first and only try. usual, Oliver Clough slotted over to that the medics had more plans. An However, in a move that summed up a take the lead to 37-11. elementary catch was fluffed on the wretched evening for the College, the half way line by the College to hand the conversion was missed, leaving the It was not long after this that the medics put in at the scrum with three score at 23-11. whistle blew on what was a great minutes to go. They kept pushing, match with plenty of excitement. before finally being awarded a penalty However, this was to be the last sniff Oliver Clough was the stand out within kickable range. That human of scoring that the College had, as the performer for the medics, with his metronome Clough took the chance medics showed their superiority in the boot gaining them 17 points, as well and with the last kick of the half took last 20 minutes of the game. It was not as a 100 percent kicking record. the medics into a commanding 20-6 long before this pressure told on the But, for the College, it was a year of lead. College, as the Medics went over to dashed dreams and they returned to put yet another 7 points on the board, the College knowing that if they are Any chance of a College comeback and in doing so extend the score to 30- to win back the JPR Williams Cup took an early hit as Clough kicked a 11. next year it will need a much stronger drop goal over the posts within the performance, as the medics really first two minutes of the second half By this stage it was clearly over for showed their superiority and their

E. ALEX VOINAS to extend the lead to a very healthy 17 the College, but there was still the class in this fixture. points. chance of restoring some pride by

58 TEAMS 29 MATCHES 11 SPORTS 1 WINNER ARSITY 12.03.14 icsm vs. ic in pictures... VARSITY AT ETHOS #impvarsity buy match tickets at www.imperial.ac.uk/sports/varsity

Headline Sponsor Programme: Messiaen - l’Ascension, Andy Johnson - The Gladiator (arr.), John Whitney - Lord of the Rings (arr.), and WORLD PREMIERE Carmen Prelude no. 1 ft. WASHBOARD SOLOIST

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to see more of sinfonietta... of more see to Come to our concert tonight tonight concert our to Come in pictures... JPR WILLIAMS CUP

VARSITY IN PICTURES

PICTURES CREDIT: JOE LETTS/ JACK ELKINGTON/ E. ALEX VOINAS/ GORDON KAM 58 TEAMS 29 MATCHES 11 SPORTS 1 WINNER ARSITY 12.03.14 icsm vs. ic FOOTBALL / RUGBY #impvarsity buy match tickets at www.imperial.ac.uk/sports/varsity

Medics 3rd XV crush Headline Sponsor College 44-0

backline with a 70-80m jinking run, George HIll dodging five or six weak tackles to ICSM 3rd XV Rugby Captain score his first of the day. Sam Harrison crossed the paint soon after following a flowing back move, to put a fully The morning of 12th March 2014 deserved gloss onto the first half. At could not have produced better half time the scores stood at 20-0 to conditions for a rugby match. Imperial IMRFC. medicals RFC were hungry for a win, While the medics’ half time team having not won a Varsity match since talk revolved around consistency and ICSM RUBGY 2011, a fact that ICU were only too keeping up the same intensity we happy to keep repeating in the Felix had been using, IC’s team talk seems and on social media beforehand. to have been “How many 2s players College produce the goods to take win Our preparations for the game could can we bring on and get away with?” not have been better. Undefeated in Unfortunately, their ploy was made again involving Crawford and Murphy front of him, he back-heeled a through the league, with promotion all but less obvious by the fact that one of and including a Murphy first time left ball into the path of the sprinting assured, through to the semi-finals of the wingers forgot to even change the Jack Robinson footed chip over the defence to set Murphy, who had just made a loud the BUCS cup and in the final of the shirt he had been wearing in the 2s IC 1st XI Football Captain Robinson free. The move deserved a call to let his presence known on the UH Cup, we approached the game game. first time finish, but Robinson decided left wing. Taking it in his stride, he with a confidence that had been absent And so the second half began, and to to take it down on his knee before fired a first time left footed shot across in the last few years. In previous years, the disappointment of IC, their newly With Varsity being the 1s’ final match unfortunately firing the resulting the keeper into the right corner, and 3XV teams had often bought in a host bolstered back line was still no match of the season, at home on a beautiful volley at the keeper. If it had gone in peeled off towards the crowd. The of injured or outgoing players of a for Ranj & Shaan in the centres, the Wednesday afternoon, we were it would have been a contender for resulting machine gun celebration left higher standard for Varsity. But, with latter soon smashing through the IC determined to finish on a high. With goal of the season – the slick first time a pile of bodies and beer on the floor a settled squad and BUCS promotion line to score our fourth try of the day. the KO also being staggered with the passing leaving the Medics defenders by the dugouts, and IC gathered to on the line, we were strongly against Some sustained forward pressure was other matches so that a crowd was static. congratulate him and each other. such tactics this year. then rewarded with a sniping try from able to watch from the side-lines, it Robinson also saw a well struck As they were 2-0 down, the And so, after a rousing team talk, Henry Clancy. He would call it just made the atmosphere all the better volley off of a bouncing through ball Medics spent the last period of the the game began. IC started well, and rewards for his hard work – others and both teams were looking ready to just go wide, and Murphy saw one or match switched to a more attacking gained some early territory. However, would call it opportunistic. The pack put everything into the game. two long range efforts either be saved formation, as they threw men this small patch of dominance was to continued to dominate, and another Both teams started well, but after a or just miss the post. The Medics’ forward in an attempt to get a goal. be their last act of note in the game. rolling maul led to supersub James short amount of time it was Imperial only chance of note in the first half Unfortunately, all this lead to was IC conceded a penalty at the scrum in Bloomer flopping over for a try. who came out on top. There were was when a ball over the top caught Imperial cleaning them up on the our 22, we were able to clear our lines, The medics were still not done committed challenges going in from out an IC centre back, with their break down the wings, and if IC had and soon penned IC back into their though. There was time for Turner to both sides, but the good pressing of striker chasing it down well but then been more clinical the score line could half with some strong carries from score another fantastic solo effort, only Imperial meant that the Medics were proceeding to hesitate for too long have been much higher. Robinson saw forwards and backs alike. Soon, they slightly worsened by how far away he largely forced to try and lump it up to before firing the ball over the bar from a shot off a through ball go just wide of conceded another penalty on their kicked the ball in celebration. Captain their forwards, which the IC defence close range. the post, and one saved by the keeper 22m line. Unusually for a 3XV side, we Fantastic himself then limbered up for dealt with very well. Imperial, when The first half ended 1-0, with Imperial from close range after twisting a few decided to go for points, thinking it ten minutess of rugby, four months they had the ball, were moving it very feeling that they should have had a few defenders, while Murphy and Dale, might be a close game. Unfortunately earlier than his post surgery comeback well along the ground and getting into more. 1-0 is a very dangerous score amongst others, came close to adding Sam Harrison hit the post with his date. Despite taking one contact, to good areas, with wingers Murphy and line to lead with and Imperial walked to their accounts. kick. ICRC cleared to touch. A good the collective gasps of the crowd, all Dale regularly beating their opposition back onto the pitch for the second half The game finished 2-0, and even driving maul was set up from our shoulders stayed intact and the game full backs as they have done all season. looking to get on top quickly and score though Imperial should have had a lineout, and rumbled over for a try. was closed out, and to the elation of Soon enough Imperial broke the as soon as possible. Unfortunately, few more, the season ended on a lovely Laurence Pallant selflessly handing the medics supporters the rout was deadlock. After a well-worked pass quite the opposite happened as it was high, beating the Medics at home on the ball to Joe Simmonds when he was complete. and move play involving Murphy the Medics who started better. For a a thoroughly glorious afternoon. Fair within scoring reach himself! and Crawford, Crawford released good chunk of the first period of the play to the Medics as they never gave A good period of physical rugby Full time: Robinson into space with his first second half the Medics had most of up and battled well to the end, but I’m on our part ensued, with Ranjodh Imperial Medicals RFC: 44 touch via a through ball heading to the ball and were passing around well. sure that they will be able to concede Sanghera – fresh from his basketball Imperial College RFC: 0 the left of the Medics goal. Easily However, unfortunately they weren’t that the better team won that day. heroics in the copper box – and Shaan outpacing the defender, Robinson saw able to convert this into a goal. Man of the match was James Rashid ensuring a torrid time for This ended a two year hoodoo, the onrushing keeper and finished it Soon enough it was Imperial who Murphy, next year’s 1s captain who anyone foolish enough to run down secured the league title and maintained first time with his left foot across the were back on top. The Medics were played his heart out and fully deserved the centre channels, and breaking the 3s’ unbeaten record. The ‘grand keeper into the side netting of the giving away too many free kicks, the award. Well done also to Alex tackles with ease when they did slam’ is still on, just the small matter right side of the goal. This was his and IC came close on a number of Dale, Omar Amjad, Chris Nielsen themselves. This eventually resulted in of BUCS and UH cups to go! 96th goal for Imperial College in four occasions. One in particular saw and Ahmed Cherif who are leaving another penalty, which Sam Harrison I hope that the crowd enjoyed the years which average 25 games or fewer Private Lee Lawson send a header the club after two, three, three and made no mistake with this time. day, despite the fact the free flowing, a season. He managed to score 4 on towards goal, which then ricocheted three years of service respectively, Minutes later a cracking break from offloading game may not have the Saturday after Varsity in order to off the keeper back to him. He then it has been a pleasure to play with James “RugbyLeague” Turner down contained enough ‘style’ and ‘dignity’ complete his Century. smashed a volley from close range you. Special mention must also go to the right wing almost bought a second for some. Oh well, there’s always next After scoring the first, Imperial were against the cross bar. Jonathan ‘Jonty’ Hill, who played his try, only for a heroic tackle from the year. well on top of the game and had the The second IC goal came after last match for Imperial College this IC no. 8 to deny him, unfortunately lion’s share of possession, repeatedly Imperial camped out in the opposition Varsity after eight wonderful years ending the tackler’s participation in breaking well and causing problems half for a while. Nugent passed of gritty, leg-breaking service. He the day. for the Medics’ defence. They should inside from the left to Robinson who is the definition of a seasoned vet. IC tried to hold out, but their defence have had at least another in the first turned to his right to try and take on Congratulations and best of luck in was in vain, as Turner breached their half after a brilliant one touch move, a defender. Being faced with two in the future to both of you. 58 TEAMS 29 MATCHES 11 SPORTS 1 WINNER ARSITY 12.03.14 icsm vs. ic FOOTBALL / NETBALL / RUGBY #impvarsity buy match tickets at www.imperial.ac.uk/sports/varsity

Spirited match ends in a Medics dominate andHeadline Sponsor 0-0 draw beat College 26-10

real chances. The second half was much the same Katherine Fok Adam Rossiter and it was clear the opposition were ICSM Women’s Rugby Captain ICSM 4th XI Football Captain getting frustrated and tired. It was now the time for us to seize our chances on the counter attacks, notably down the Varsity day finally arrived in the form It was a beautiful sunny day, the wings as Hugo made great runs with of a sunny afternoon ideal for the 7s pitches at Harlington looked the best the ball into their penalty box. He match ahead. The medics had a point they have ever done. The stage was set should have been awarded a penalty to prove, having lost last year to IC for for a wonderful afternoon of football. after being clipped in the back of the the first time in recent memory. The trip over was, however, ruined by legs without falling over. The referee During the opening phases of the the news that the 3rd team goalkeeper can be quoted as saying “If he had game, both teams were well matched had pulled out and therefore through gone down then I would have given it”. with solid defence from both sides, standard hierarchical process our Another inexplicable decision from the and neither team looking to threaten. goalkeeper had to play for the 3s. Our referee came in the 85th minute when After retaining possession and regular goalkeeper had phoned in sick the opposition centre-back displayed recycling well, Medics drew first the previous night but bravely agreed a despicable piece of unsportsmanlike IC 5s lose at Netball to blood when Kath Fok handed off the to power through the pain and make conduct. He deliberately hand-balled opposition in midfield from the 22 his way over to West London. Sean at the half way line, hence preventing the Medics 28-20 to run in the try under the posts and did not arrive until after kick-off so our rapid striker Will from getting complete the resulting conversion. substitute Liam had to stand in for him to the ball and having a one-on-one and tactical change of players. Their The medics edged towards the line for about ten minutes. It was a great with their keeper. The fact that the Tracy Leung spectators were cheering louder than again, with Sarah Burns carrying effort from Liam, not letting a goal in. referee stopped play even though the IC 5s Netball Captain before every time their shooters send the ball from around the breakdown A dishevelled Sean took his spot in the advantage could have been played as the ball through the hoop and our towards IC’s try line. Charlie Stephens goal and immediately had to make one Will could have made it, but didn’t IC5s had an incredible start to the hearts sank even further. cut back inside and crashed through of his hallmark great saves. send off or even book the culprit, is match. During the first quarter, all With panic and fear hovering over two tackles from the 5m line to score With the full team on the pitch beyond belief. centre passes were carefully turned our team, the ball was going down our the Medic’s second under the posts. and the status quo restored, the team It was 0-0 at the close, overall a into goals and successive rebounds end at very fast pace and was turned At half time, Medics were ahead 14-0. could now properly focus on the task great result against all the odds. To were secured by our GK Madina over repeatedly. The uprising pressure IC were strong in the scrum and at hand. At the pre-match meeting put things into context, this is a team Wane. has also unfortunately reduced our hooker Lana Lee managed to steal it was proposed that we play a half- that is four leagues above us, and also With the ball being down at our shooting accuracy. We were overtaken possession on the medics’ put in. pitch press, a strategy meaning we top of their division. This performance attacking third for 90% of the time at the final quarter and were not able However, Lizzie Robison put in several would defend very deep in our own was a great showing of the willpower and some lovely movement between to turn the table around. The final good tackles which led to a turnover half. This is entirely reliant on good and discipline of the team and one we Amy West and Sarah Howarth, IC score was 20-28 to ICSM. just inside the Medics’ half. Kath Fok discipline from everyone, especially can all be proud of and that needs to heroically wrapped up the first fifteen It was a great match despite victory drew in two of the opposition off the the mid-fielders who must track back spur us on in the upcoming UH Cup minutes with a 7 goal advantage at 11- not being on our side. Our score in the back of a scrum. Wakana Teranaka as soon as they loose possession. From semi-final. A special mention to Hugo 4. first quarter was the highest on record ran a dummy line which fooled IC’s the start of the game it was clear that for his input at the team meeting as It didn’t take the medics long before and our girls have performed at a very last man allowing the ball to go wide the opposition would play the way we our tactics proved to be successful. they were fully alerted; they were in high standard – credit to everyone’s to Sammy for the Medic’s 3rd try. thought they would. They dominated Another mention to James who broke their defensive mode as soon as the 110% effort! It’s a shame that the game Reacting well to a loose ball from possession. It was a matter of making his toe near the end of the game, timer started ticking again. The goal isn’t only 15 minutes long! the Medics’ line out and drawing sure they didn’t make anything from Sean our goalie, Stephen our man difference was quickly reduced down Man of the match goes to Sarah several tackles, IC then went wide. it. The first half showed perfect of the match and lastly to Harry for to 4 after their aggressive fight back Howarth. Alice Liberman sprinted down the execution of that game plan, as they supporting us on the side-lines while touchline, just evading her nearest were completely unable to create any he recovers from injury. defender. Spinning back inside, she IC 4s defeated dodged two further cover tackles to score by the corner flag. Unable to College 2nd XI swat comfortably by Medics make the conversion, IC were coming back, with the score standing at 21-5. aside “shambolic” But the medics responded, making up to the 3rd team, dropping out their way again into the IC’s half. Medics team 3-0 Emma Needham or not being able to play varsity for Ran Xiong was always in support to IC 4s Netball Captain various reasons meant that some of ruck over and retain possession. Ellie our players had only played together Stewart sent a quick ball out from the Daniel Moxham don’t care that we’re losing 3-0, I have IC 4s went into varsity knowing that a few times, and the team had never ruck which allowed Sammy Gottardi a girlfriend at home” was a particularly the effort we put in terms of extra all played together in a competitive to use her pace and run wide around IC 2nd XI Captain witty quip from their number 10, who training sessions would give us a match situation. Another definite the shaken IC defensive line. incidentally missed a penalty with chance of doing well, however we reason for our defeat was that not IC were to have the last score, probably his only touch of the game. were unfamiliar with the standard enough matches are scheduled for the taking advantage of their extra subs. IC 2nd XI swatted aside a shambolic Better luck next year boys. of the medic 4s and they were better 4s in our BUCS league; we only started The Medics were outnumbered and Medic ‘football’ team, who probably than anticipated. We put our all into out with 5 teams in the league and two fatigue was setting in when IC’s Pip would have preferred to spend their Goals: the game, but despite our efforts, the dropped out throughout the season. Heggie ran through at pace, and drew day enjoying the sunshine instead of Dom Affron x2, Andy Sear-Black medic shooters were on great form Considering the number of changes in three Medic defenders to make the picking the ball out of their net. Whilst and the game ended 39-14 to the in our team throughout the netball tackle. From there, IC quickly went we would love to divulge and expand Assists: Will Wilson, Kume Feese, medics. Our man of the match was year, I think we played as well as we wide again to send Clara Gago over on this simple victory, it really isn’t Dan Moxham Rach Shuttleworth who played GK. could have. We managed 7 more goals for the final try. worth our time. We hope that next In terms of what went wrong I think than last year and I’m sure the 4s will Still, Medics put in a great year the medics can put up a fight, or MOTM: Will Wilson. that our constantly changing team continue to improve in the future! performance to reclaim the Varsity at least improve their abysmal chat; “I formation due to players moving victory. Final score 26-10. 58 TEAMS 29 MATCHES 11 SPORTS 1 WINNER ARSITY 12.03.14 icsm vs. ic NETBALL / RESULTS #impvarsity buy match tickets at www.imperial.ac.uk/sports/varsity

College 2s beat Medics 42-35 in tense Varsity Results in Full Headline Sponsor and close encounter ethos sports centre netball:

1s: COLLEge lost to medics 42-33 Colllege Netball 2s Captain Sarah Simmonds reports as the 2s: COLLEge beat medics 42-25 3s: COLLEge beat medics 35-31 College scrape past the medics to take the spoils on Varsity day. 4s: COLLEge lost to medics 39-14 5s: COLLEge lost to medics 28-20

The IC Netball 2nd VII had given work it down the court with a sense of with every turnover. Screams howled squash: up many lie-ins for extra trainings serenity. Izzy McLachlan and Harriet from the medic spectators while IC on Sundays and fitness sessions on Rumgay worked it around the D and kept up their great work and beautiful, men’s 1st: college beat medics 4-1 men’s 2nd: college beat medics 4-1 Friday mornings, and all to prepare into the net seamlessly, ignoring the beautiful arms. With even stronger women’s: college beat medics 4-1 for one day: Varsity 2014. The 2’s copious amounts of contact not being passes from the IC attacking end and Varsity netball match has been closely blown up; this calm approach to IC’s increased frustration by the medic contested for the past two years with game put us ahead and with four defence, Pat continued to stand her water polo: both sides having one win and one minutes to go in the 2nd quarter the ground. Someone should’ve told the MIXEd: COLLEge beat medics 6-4 loss under their belts. As the big day score was 13-10. medics that nobody talks back to Pat approached we talked about dreams Feeling a lot more positive about but she gently let them know that she, and nightmares centred around our the match, IC 2s still needed to be at indeed, was the umpire. Better late basketball: medic rivals. Some may say we were their best. Knowing that they’d been than never! women’s: college beat medics 92-9 obsessed. We had always known that comfortably leading at this point last A slightly dodgy baseline pass from IC 2s, who had been disgustingly year and went on to lose (only just!), Sarah Simmonds which bounced off labelled as Imperial 4th in BUCS due the 2s knew the medics would come the rim of the goal post was ripped copper box to the merge with the medics, should back fighting. IC fought for every ball from medic hands by Harriet Rumgay basketball: instead be Imperial 3rds; but knew and did so harder than the medics. and summed up the whole afternoon’s we’d have to take the higher ground Our rivals got increasingly frustrated affair; IC will give false hope to those men’s: college beat medics 62-26 and prove, once and for all, that we with themselves and at IC’s beloved weak enough to get carried away, and did deserve to be above the medics. umpire, Pat, causing play to be then snatch it out of their hands in charing cross sports centre March 12th was the day where we advanced to the centre circle from our broad daylight (or in this case, under could prove our worth, and that’s just defensive third, and within five passes the bright lights of Ethos). It was badminton: what we did… another turnover for IC resulted. destined to be the biggest win IC has The night before Varsity, IC 2s “Nice arms” from both shooters and had over the medics in a very long men’s: college beat medics 6-2 bonded while decorating 110 cupcakes Emily Rolfe meant IC intercepted time, and that’s just what it ended up women’s: college beat medics 8-0 and the team shovelled in the carbs via passes like there was no tomorrow, being. The final score of the match mounds of pasta and raw cake mix. As whilst at the other end, Toni was 42-35 and player of the match hyde park the next morning came and went, IC Semmence and Emma Dixon were was awarded to Harriet Rumgay for 2s were gradually losing their voices winning many rebounds and making her shooting and rebounds (as well tennis: due to the tense matches prior to the numerous interceptions. Shouts of as compliments). But it was most men’s: college beat medics 8-4 2s (congrats IC 3s!). To save our much “BASELINE, BASELINE” could still certainly a team effort, with every needed vocals, we ventured onto be heard over the crowd at the other rebound, pass and interception being Princes Gardens to take in some fresh end of the court. Often considered the converted almost instantly. The harlington air, warm up and calm our nerves ‘safe’ pass out to players on the edge champagne may have only lasted a under the sun. Some last minute of the D will no longer be seen in the few minutes, but the day will go down hockey: tactics and a pre-game pep talk in the same light as Rachael consistently in IC Netball history and is a day we men’s 1st: college beat medics 4-2 Ethos foyer and before we knew it, we leapt into the air, tipping the ball out won’t let the medics forget. men’s 2nd: college lost to medics 6-1 were on court and ready for the first of the court, without touching a single We would like to send our men’s 3rd: college beat medics 2-1 whistle. Little did we know that our medic in sight. condolences to those who actually women’s 1st: college beat medics 4-2 women’s 2nd: college beat medics 2-0 dreams were about to be turned to Having extended our lead believed the medic 2s could match IC’s reality and nightmares forgotten! considerably in the 3rd quarter to performance in this game, it’s always football: With nerves to blame, the first 32-16, our positivity was at an all- hard letting go. We would also like to quarter was drenched with silly time high and the compliments were make you aware that, though it may 1st: COLLEge beat medics 2-0 2nd: COLLEge beat medics 3-0 mistakes for IC and a lack of unstoppable. This was our game to not yet be official, there are rumours 3rd: COLLEge beat medics 2-0 communication on court, finishing 8-3 lose. But that was never going to that a 17 goal difference proves that 4th: COLLEge drew with medics 0-0 to the medics. With the familiarity of happen… IC 2s (currently Imperial 4th) should often finding ourselves behind early on Like a great white we were released strip the medics of their “Imperial RUGBY: in matches, we were unphased by the into our ocean, the last quarter, where 3rd” BUCS title. RIP “Imperial 3rd men’s 2nd: college beat medics 29-10 score line and regrouped. IC needed we were free to tear our victims apart (Medics)”. You will be forgotten. men’s 3rd: college lost to medics 44-0 to talk to each other and do what we women’s: college lost to medics 26-10 had done so well in our past games: lacrosse: shower each other with compliments. A particular favourite of the team has MIXEd: COLLEge beat medics 8-7 always been “nice arms” and there was no shortage of those two little words the stoop, twickenham in the rest of the game. Clearly IC 2s love the compliments, rugby: and quick turnovers at the start of the second quarter ensured we took men’s 1st: college lost to medics 37-11 an early lead. Rachael Collins made incredible interceptions, coming out of nowhere to take the ball right out FINAL TOTAL: College beat medics 20-7 to win of medic hands (sometimes literally) varsity whilst the entire team were able to IC NETBALL

FRIDAY 21 MAR 27

Editor: Maciej Matuszewski, Eva Rosenthal BOOKS [email protected] The Dying Earth Maciej Matuszewski reviews Jack Vance’s highly influencial se- ries set far in the future on a dying planet Earth

Though I fancy myself reasonably I would stop short of calling it a well read in the field of science fiction brilliant work but there is much to and fantasy I must admit that there commend it. are quite a few classic authors of Unfortunately, however, the sequels the genre whose work I haven’t read do not share the charm of The Dying at all. Of these the one I probably Earth. The other three books have felt most guilty about not checking more of an overarching story but this out was Jack Vance. After all, he change, rather than allowing Vance was a Science Fiction and Fantasy to introduce more depth, works to Writers of America Grand Master show off his flaws as a writer. While and has been cited as an influence on a technical level the prose is by a number of my favourite writers, still above average, the novelty of including Neil Gaiman and Gene Vance’s world quickly fades. The plot Wolfe. Therefore, having found feels dry, tired and almost painfully repetitive – the second book, Eyes “Vance clearly had of the Overworld, and third, Cugel’s Saga, in particular have almost the an impressive im- same story. The failures in characterization are agination, which already evident in The Dying Earth are enhanced by having to follow the is on full show in same characters through an entire these stories.” book rather than just one short story. What is particularly annoying is that almost all of the characters myself with a little spare time a few are deeply unlikeable. Vance tries to months back, I decided to check out portray many of them as charming one of his most notable works – the rogues but, without proper character epic Tales of the Dying Earth series. development, their behavior just A set of four books published seems objectionable. between 1950 and 1984, Vance’s Tales I can see why this series inspired of the Dying Earth series is set far in and captured the imagination of so the future, with the sun beginning many writers. Vance was certainly to grow cold and humanity resigned an innovator and his work does to its inevitable doom. Over the show a lot of promise. Since Tales of millennia, science has given way to, or become indistinguishable from, “The novelty of magic. Wizards are a commonplace sight and dangerous fantastical the world quick- creatures roam the desolate wastes of Earth. ly fades. The plot Each book is made up of a number of more or less interconnected feels dry tired and stories. In the first book, The Dying almost painfully Earth, the stories paint a broad picture of Vance’s world. He clearly repetative.” had an impressive imagination, which is on full show in these stories – the dying Earth is a vibrant yet the Dying Earth was published the mysterious place with a unique concept has been executed far better feel. Vance was also a highly skilled by other works, say Gene Wolfe writer technically. His descriptions in his Book of the New Sun. People could almost be called beautiful interested in the history of science and, while his characters are often fiction and fantasy should certainly underdeveloped and even clichéd, check it out but I doubt that it would their dialogue is sparkling with wit. have much appeal to others.

Want to see your name in print? Send your book reviews to [email protected] 28 FRIDAY 21 MAR

Editor: John Park FILM [email protected]

Jesse feels the need for meth speed

John Park Film Editor

Need for Speed

Director: Scott Waugh Writers: George Gatins, John Gatins Starring: Aaron Paul, Dominic Cooper, Imogen Poots, Dakota Johnson, Michael Keaton, Scott Mescudi, Remi Malek, Ramon Rodriguez, Harrison Gilbertson Runtime: 132 minutes Certification: 12A

Surely the overwhelming critical suc- love interest, a naive young guy etc). supercar race competition hosted by Tobey is blessed with having a cou- she must be well-suited for the very cess of Breaking Bad could have set up What the Fast & Furious series lacked DJ Monarch (Michael Keaton) in or- ple of sidekicks - Finn (Rami Malek) similar role in 50 Shades of Grey, and Aaron Paul for a better cinematic role in decent story and characters, it der to...clear his name and get back at gets properly naked in the film’s most Poots’ Hollywood breakout role is go- than this one. He has won two Prime- made up for in sensational racing se- Dino? How the exact logistics work pointless, bizarre scene, whereas ing ot have to come from something time Emmys, and yet one of the first quences. Need for Speed fails to even never quite make sense. Benny (Scott Mescudi) has a knack else. She reportedly has five films to be roles he manages to land is in a video get that part right. The film prides itself in having put for stealing all sorts of helicopters and released in 2014. That Awkward Mo- game adaptation, a category of films A wrongly imprisoned Tobey Mar- together action sequences that did not provide air support for Tobey. Benny ment didn’t do much for her, neither that historically have the tradition of shall (Aaron Paul) is back with noth- use any CGI. There is a way of making is also capable of giving 100% accurate will Need for Speed. Let’s hope any one sucking. Need for Speed is no excep- ing but vengeance running on his things work without the help of com- information regarding surrounding of the future releases sticks. tion to this rule, and no matter how mind. The circumstances surrounding puter graphics. Bullitt and The French traffic and come up with methods of Worst however, is Michael Keaton’s low you set your expectations, chanc- his unlawful imprisonment is ridicu- Connection managed this in the 1960s outrunning the police. He basically participation in the film. He is DJ es are, you are likely to walk away from lous enough, but what follows is even and 70s, and yet Scott Waugh, a stunt acts like ARIA that tormented Shia Monarch, the host of the races, who having witnessed one of the early con- more preposterous than before. coordinator-turned-director whose LaBeouf in Eagle Eye. Yes, Benny is so often provides pointless, tiresome tenders to be the worst film of 2014. So there is a death, although it’s nev- debut was the corny Act of Valour incredible that he possesses the skills narration throughout the film even Trying to cash in on the mega-suc- er sad, because the victim can’t shut up that dealt with an elite team of Navy of a super-computer. though no one asked for it. He is in- cess of the Fast & Furious franchise, about his “vision” relating to Tobey’s SEALs. The chases themselves are ir- The obligatory love line that needs sistent on talking through every single which already has a seventh film in “destiny” (really), and the responsi- ritatingly noisy rather than pulse-rac- to be struck up is abysmal to say the plot point, just in case the audience production, we are introduced to a ble bad guy, Dino Brewster (Dominic ing, having the loud, screeching Imo- least. Tobey has two potential candi- cannot follow the mind-numbingly group of characters cut from the ex- Cooper), dressed in black, strutting gen Poots trying to be funny doesn’t dates. Anita (Dakota Johnson), the girl simple plot developments on offer act same cloth (a wronged, clean-cut his stuff, manages to get away with it, help things one bit, as not even Aaron who is now with Dino, or Julia (Imo- here. hero, a surprisingly masculine female putting the blame solely on Tobey. Af- Paul’s intensity and focus on his mis- gen Poots), an English girl who tags And the ending? It all comes back to who knows a lot about cars, a greasy ter his release from prison, Tobey de- sion are enough to barely carry this along for the ride. Johnson, playing that “vision”. Such an ill-advised final villain who has the hero’s potential cides to take part in an underground film through. a dumb, dim-witted female, proves note that people started sniggering. Other video adaptations that didn’t work out

DOA: Dead or Alive Max Payne Doom Hitman Prince of Persia More like Dead on Arrival this one: A low-point even for Mark Wahlberg Not even the presence of The Rock They’re giving this a reboot with Eng- Looked pretty terrible on paper, start- although boasting a relatively impres- who participated in M. Night Shyama- can inject some excitement or fun in lish actor Rupert Friend in the title ing with the casting of Jake Gyllen- sive cast for a film of this standard, lan’s The Happening, this is an overly- this disaster. It’s a repetitive collec- role, although it’s not clear how much haal, and the desire to turn this into and although boasting some good serious, highly illogical piece in which tion of first-person shooter scenes of a difference that will have given the a money-making Pirates of the Carib- action, audiences were clearly not in- the leading character who should be that drearily strings along. There is a long line of failed films based on video bean-type franchise completely back- terested in seeing a badly acted rehash a competent killing machine has next lot of screaming, a lot of running from games. It’s a missed opportunity, given fired, as its hefty budget of 200 million of a fighting game adaptation. It only to no intelligence to solve a mystery mysterious alien creatures that pick how much you see Timothy Olyphant dollars was only barely reached and stuck around in the North American that has an answer that’s staring him off humans one by one. It’s a lame sur- tries in the lead role. Once again it’s failed to turn into a blockbuster prof- theatres for three weeks, through- in the face. Mila Kunis doesn’t come vival drama, where you can figure out the lack of a coherent plot that’s the it-making machine. There is plenty of out which it managed to gross under close to pulling off the badass nature who does and doesn’t make it in the main problem, with very little focus wooden dialogue, and not even some 500,000 dollars. surrounding his Russian assassin role. end within the first five minutes. on the character himself. decent slow-mo action saves this. FRIDAY 21 MAR 29

@feliximperial

FelixImperial FILM

A 5-star hotel experience Alien in Scotland

Jack Steadman Treasured Writer

The Grand Budapest Hotel

Director: Wes Anderson Writers: Wes Anderson, Hugo Guinness, Stefan Zweig (inspired by the works of) Starring: Ralph Fiennes, F. Murray Abraham, Mathieu Amalric, Adrien Brody, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum, Harvey Keitel, Jude Law, Bill Murray, Edward Norton, Saoirse Ronan, Jason Schwartzman, Lea Seydoux, Tilda Swinton, Tom Wilkinson Runtime: 100 minutes Certification: 15

The Grand Budapest Hotel is a tricky ded it is quite possible the most star- would only spoil the film. film to review. Put quite simply: it’s a studded cast to ever grace the screen, Worthy of mention is the multi- subjecting you to discomfort, always Wes Anderson film. In every conceiv- there’s no room, no chance, for bad ple framing narratives employed by Jack Steadman adding to what’s on screen. able way, as with all of his films before acting. The writing is magnificent and the film; this is, for want of a more Treasured Writer To all intents and purposes, the film it, it is the essence of its predecessors as deliriously oddball as ever, and the concise explanation, a story within continues with those points. But as it mixed up, distilled, and delivered to mixture of (the ever-growing roster a story, within a story within a story. progresses, as the alien explores our the silver screen in a blast of pure, sur- of) Anderson regulars (from Brody to The layers work in symmetry, each world, it becomes something more. real, bittersweet joy. Each film learns Wilson, and back again via Murray) layer book-ending the one that fol- Under the Skin The early scenes of Johansson mov- from what came before, each film and Anderson debutants proves noth- lows (with a few cuts between the in- ing unnoticed among crowds are both adds to one of the greatest directorial ing short of incredible. nermost two). Spreading the reach of Director: Jonathan Glazer troubling and brilliant, forcing a re-ex- catalogues around today. And Grand Foremost among the debutants, and the story beyond the inter-war years, Writers: Jonathan Glazer, Walter amination of everyday life. The sound Budapest is no different. It has all the the cast in general, is Ralph Fiennes, lending it an even greater scope, they Campbell, Michel Faber (novel) editing skews everything, the cin- charming elements that could be ex- as the eponymous hotel’s concierge, can almost feel a little superfluous, Starring: Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy ematography leaves everything feeling pected, all the off-beat visuals and the Monsieur Gustave H. Displaying deft until realisation strikes. This is first McWilliams, Michael Moreland off-kilter, and it works. It works so, so delightfully exaggerated backdrops, comic timing which he is (all to un- and foremost the story of Monsieur Runtime: 108 minutes well. A shopping centre is almost ter- and now it introduces a healthy dose fortunately) rarely allowed to unleash Gustave H, and that – that is the Certification: 15 rifying in its unrelenting aural assault. of black humour. A more than healthy outside the arena of this film, he is the point. It’s a story. Both blissfully in- The motorways fade into blurs of dose, truth be told. Grand Budapest centrepiece around which the entirety nocent and bitingly self-aware. This is moving lights. Vast, sprawling estates seems to positively revel in the stuff. of Grand Budapest – much like the self-examination as film-making, and become claustrophobic, threatening. And so what was meant to be a hotel – revolves, and he more than it’s simultaneously blindingly obvious And all this comes together in one simple statement – that this truly is a rises to the occasion. Complete new- and exceedingly subtle. Grating noise over a blackout. A pin- stand-out scene, as the alien stands Wes Anderson film, with all that that comer Tony Revolori proves himself The Author and Mr Moustafa (the prick of light. The noise intensifies, and impassively watches a mother and statement entails – becomes mildly one to watch, completely nailing the two narrators) at the film’s close, dis- the light grows. More. More. The father drown at the beach, leaving be- complicated and severely over-long. tone, while Saoirse Ronan completes cuss M. Gustave. The age to which he light spills out, begin to refract. Col- hind a tiny child. A fellow bystander But it is the truth. Fans of Anderson’s the central trio as Agatha, proving belonged was gone before he could ours seep through. The noise becomes dives in to try and save the father, and previous works – any of them, from immensely watchable with minimal enter it, they say, but he “sustained deeply, deeply unsettling. And sud- still the alien watches, unfeeling, as he the early days of Rushmore to the ani- screen time. the illusion with a marvellous grace.” denly: title cards. And Scotland. is thrown ashore gasping and weak- mation of Fantastic Mr Fox – will find Minimal screen time for excellent And it’s so very difficult to be sure Under the Skin’s opening few min- ened. And only then does she inter- plenty to adore here. Fans of cinema, actors is perhaps the only criticism they don’t mean Anderson himself. utes are almost the film in miniature. vene. It’s a horrifyingly, masterfully of films, will find plenty to engage that could really be levelled at Grand Sustaining the illusion of these worlds The visuals move from a mixture of shot scene, with a full awareness of with (and then adore). With a cast Budapest, but it’s more of a complaint he creates with a marvellous grace. It’s darkness and blinding light via the the cinematic language that leaves us this star-studded, a cast so star-stud- than a criticism, and indulging it almost a perfect description. gloomy, ominous Scottish country- watching the action at a remove with side to weird spaces that aren’t spaces* the alien, all long shots and muted where Scarlett Johansson’s alien inti- sound. Only the waves truly crash mately interacts with members of the through to us. human race. There’s disconcertingly I’m getting shudders just thinking nonsexual nudity, and an inescap- about it. able feeling of something being ‘off’. I’m not convinced I have enough There’s a mysterious Biker figure who words in my vocabulary to accurately is almost terrifying in how ruthless – fully – express how Under the Skin yet unexplained he appears, aiding the will make you feel. I’m throwing as alien without ever directly engaging many synonyms for ‘unsettling’ as I with her (beyond a lengthy stare). can find at it, and I’m still short. This And the score. Oh, the score. Jo- is an experience of a film, and it’s one hansson may be the star on the poster, that demands to be seen in the cinema but it’s the sound that truly steals the to fully appreciate it for what it is. In show here. Levi’s score never gives the dark, with Levi’s score blasting you a moment to recover, continually into your ears, it’s incredible. 30 FRIDAY 21 MAR

Editor: John Park FILM [email protected] Sun, Sex and Slavery with Imperial Cinema

Ellen Mathieson 1) Our first film of the evening, boast- ing only a pitiful three Oscars to its Imperial Cinema name, is Dallas Buyers Club. Set in the earliest days of the HIV epidemic, the film follows the true story of Ron Woodroof, a man diagnosed with AIDS and given 30 days to live. After being ostracized by family and friends, Ron takes medicinal matters into his own hands, smuggling in unapproved drugs from all across the world and distributing them to other sufferers through the eponymous buyers club. Featuring remarkable acting, with Oscar wins for both Matthew McCo- naughey and Jared Leto, this film truly is the start of what critics have dubbed ‘The McConaissance’.

It’s amazing how things happen and time passes without you realising it. For some of you reading this, the up- coming Spring All-Nighter could very well be your last. This could be your final chance to sit in a crowded room and spend an evening, a night and part of a morning watching some of the best films that the last few months have had to offer. To those I say, what are you waiting for? This is something that you will not be able to experience for the rest of your life while you slog away in a lab (or in an office if you sell out). Make sure you buy a ticket, grab some friends and make your way to the second floor of the Union. To those who aren’t in their final year, I say pretty much the same thing. If you’ve been before, then make it a tra- dition. If you haven’t, then you might as well come and give it a try. As an innocent Fresher I attended my first All-Nighter as a punter. Over excited as always, I spend the preced- ing days trying to convince my friends in halls to come with me. And I can say without slanting the truth or hy- perbole that that was the best and most bizarre evening in the entirety of my first term of Imperial. Sleep dep- rivation makes for both strange con- versations and strange actions. Seven sugars in a cup of tea? Easy. Quadru- ple layered brown sauce sandwich? No problem. A failure to understand the plot of some films leading to con- voluted conversations on the subject with complete strangers? Of course. A massive grin on my face for the rest 2) Next up we’ve got another true of the next day? Even 9am lectures story and another Oscar-bait favour- couldn’t get rid of it. ite topic, this time slavery. As intense Now, I’m about to go to my fourth as it is harrowing, at times 12 Years A All-Nighter, this time as a cynical sec- Slave can be hard to watch. You’ll be ond year and somehow the incoming glad you did though; this certainly is chair of Imperial Cinema, and I am not a film to be missed. When Solo- more excited than ever before. We’ve mon Northup is tricked into slavery got five fantastic films that boast a he must endure years of beatings ridiculous thirty Oscar nominations and betrayal as he learns to rely only between them, more tins of hot dogs in himself in his bid to once again be than you can shake a stick at and free. This is the Schindler’s List of slav- enough hot beverages to fill a fairly ery films, bold, brutal, and fully de- small ocean. serving of its best picture win. FRIDAY 21 MAR 31

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FelixImperial FILM Sun, Sex and Slavery with Imperial Cinema

5) The All-Nighter is wrapped up by the only one of the five not to be based on a true story, Alexander Payne’s Ne- braska. Continuing this year’s theme of a monochrome film to end the night, this gives a stark, surreal and utterly beautiful feel to the film. From black and white sunset to the rolling field of Nebraska, the cinematography is wonderful, helping to elevate it from good to something truly great. As does the absurd humour, summoning So there you have it, this year’s All- stifled giggles and out loud laughter Nighter line-up, featuring five Best in most scenes. Especially at six in the Picture nominees, four true stories morning that this film will be playing. and a bucket and a half of tears. Bring your friends, your mild acquaintances, that guy who studies on the same floor of the library as you that you not to oc- casionally and most definitely bring a pillow. See you there!

3) Third is Martin Scorsese’s self-in- dulgent romp, The Wolf of Wall Street. Wolf is basically the story of one man’s descent from righteousness and mor- als into greed and corruption. Some- how the combination of lavish parties, public groping and goldfish eating work together, making an unforget- table 180 minutes. Though perhaps The Spring All-Nighter is on Tuesday overlong in places, this is Scorsese at 25th March. his finest, managing to keep you from Tickets are £10 online (until 4pm wanting to punch Leonardo DiCap- on the day) or £12 on the door. If you rio’s Jordan Belfort in the face. Just. don’t fancy staying all night, tickets are £3 per film on the door. For an extra £5, you can get All-You- Can-Eat Hot Food and Drink all night! This includes the usual mix of tea, cof- fee, toasties, hot dogs, soup, pot noo- dles and more. Tickets can be bought from tickets. imperialcinema.co.uk The Line -up

4) The penultimate film of the even- 18:00 - Dallas Buyers ing is Philomena, our fourth best pic- ture nominee of the evening. Though Club almost certainly a feel-good film, it manages to avoid the normal pitfalls and clichés of this sort of film, man- aging to be heartwarming rather than 20:45 - 12 Years a the usual sentimental mush this film could have so easily become. The Slave premise is simple, an Irish woman gives birth out of wedlock and gives the child up for a closed adoption to the US. Years later, Philomena meets 00:00 - The Wolf of Martin Sixsmith, a BBC journal- ist with whom she decides to search Wall Street for her son. Much of reason that this film was such a hit was the near fault- less performances by Judi Dench and Steve Coogan who, between them and 03:15 - Philomena the rest of the cast, make the tear jerk- er scenes do what they are supposed to, and fill the rest of the film with a subtle tinge of hope. 05:15 - Nebraska 32 FRIDAY 21 MAR Editor: Maximilian Eggl, Yong Wen Chua, Osama Awara TECHNOLOGY technology.felix@imperial. ac.uk August EP650 Headphones Maximilian Eggl, on another beautiful encounter with Bluetooth

lmost a year and a and decided to splash out. I went Before I actually talk about formats of my other headphones. half ago I stumbled way above my initial spending limit, the headphones, I would like to The first impression of the across the wonderful and in the end purchased the August commend August for their colour headphones was really positive. The world of Bluetooth EP650 Bluetooth headphones for a choices for the headphones. For the glossy finish and design offset the use headphones. For those whopping £35. Given that previously cheap headphones, you usually have of plastic, and make these puppies ofA you who might remember, back I had spent a maximum of 25 quids, one colour to choose from and even look much more expensive than they I am serious, I would then a naïve tech writer I had just this was actually quite an increase. on the expensive ones it usually is actually are. Given that headphones decided to splash out on a pair of However the reviews and 4.5 star rare to have more than three colours. in general are quite large and visible, “have paid double for 20 quid headphones from Amazon, rating on amazon, Here we have 5 distinct this is a plus point! Furthermore after namely the SX-907. To date this still as well as colours a bit of testing, it turned out that the these headphones, remains my most popular article, the EP650 was quite flexible, making and by which I assume that either for a comfortable fit on my quite given the quality I I am reading my own articles way big head. Lastly, in terms of design, too much or that you guys are these guys were quite light and the was getting. genuinely interested about fact that you could fold them up Bluetooth headphones. For makes them quite portable, my own sanity, I shall general meaning they actually assume the latter. awesome fit in my jacket pocket! However my babies look finally(although Now to the most could only last so gave me that final silver and white important part of this long before going adrenaline rush I needed do look quite review: the audio. as well and they held up remarkable through some to click the purchase button. similar). I went for Given that with well. Every song I threw ”at these unfortunate The next day, my brand new the blue, as that is quite all my previous headphones was played back in an accident, I headphones appeared at my an unusual and interesting purchases I had admirable quality. Furthermore, managed to doorstep. Given I had lived the colour for headphones, and I very positive when I compared these guys to snap them (if past week without headphones, I do not regret my choice. All in experiences, £200 Beats, my 35 pound Augusts you really was really excited at what was to all, the ability to somewhat make I didn’t think were almost on par. I am serious, I want to come. When I had gotten my other these headphones your own is I could be would have paid double for these know, I sat two headphones, I had been quite major plus point in my book. impressed. headphones, given the quality I was on them). disappointed by the cheap look of the Now back to the goods. A little I couldn’t getting. Also, when I plugged these This event packaging, however for the EP650 summary of the specs: These guys are have been guys in using the standard jack, the forced I was very pleasantly surprised. Bluetooth headphones, meaning they more quality was just as good/bad as with me to Everything looked very clean, and will be able to connect to anything wrong. the Bluetooth, meaning you don’t lose make yet to be quite frank, rather expensive. that has Bluetooth capabilities. any quality regarding the connection another Furthermore inside the box there Furthermore it has a 3.5 standard medium you decide to use. purchase, was even a manual! audio socket (they supply the wire as In terms of battery, I found that the a similar Imagine that. well!), which means that the EP650 EP650 performed admirably in my pair to the Given that can be used when out of battery, every day life, and I found that even ones I had Bluetooth as well as with devices that after three days I still did not need to bought for do not support charge these guys. Also considering my virgin Bluetooth. that these headphones only take experience. Connecting about 2-3 hours to charge, I don’t A bit more the EP650 think you really need to worry about expensive, to my that. Also, the worst case scenario t h e s e phone was you always have the audio jack, right? headphones by incredibly All in all I am mighty pleased the 7dayshop easy, and it with these headphones, however were quite even showed there is one caveat. This could be satisfactory. a little battery something that only applies to me, However, the icon to show but even though the EP650s use soft cheap plastic of the how charged my material and sit very comfortably, material, coupled headphones were! after a while of use my ears would with the strange The headphonesstart feeling really hot as well as charger as well as the were fully charged, hurting. Thus after 2 or 3 hours I covering of the earpiece and so I was ready to go. found that I needed to take them always falling off, kept Good hint btw: If you are off and just rest my ears a bit. me from making rave testing new headphones, try For 35 pounds I have gotten one of reviews. However I had Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. the best deals of my life. The sturdy paid for these puppies, so It goes all the way from low bass design means that these guys should I was not going to buy a new to high vocals, fully testing the survive quite a while (as long as I pair until these guys gave up. audio equipment you are thinking don’t sit on them). Furthermore, the Luckily enough for me, they of buying. Anyway, the moment the quality of the audio as well as the did just that two weeks ago vocals of Freddie Mercury blasted beauty of the EP650 really, really (under somewhat suspicious into my ears, I knew immediately I belong to Bluetooth headphones circumstances I must divulge). This had bought a gorgeous pair. The bass doubles if not triples their price. gave me the opportunity of once headphones was full and rounded, resonating my So if you in the market for a pair of again perusing the wonders of that are slightly more difficult configure Furthermore, ear. The highs were crisp and clean. headphones, before checking out store in the sky, namely Amazon. than general headphones, I found the fact that you use a micro USB The sound was gorgeous and exactly the overpriced brand names, have Given recent circumstances, I was this to be quite a boon that I had to charge these puppies, makes a what I needed. Later on I tried the a look at the August EP650. Trust feeling quite down in the dumps experienced with my purchases. welcome change from the strange EP650 with other genres of music me, you won’t be disappointed! FRIDAY 21 MAR 33

Editor: Carol Ann Cheah, Michael Yat Kit Chung [email protected] FOOD Bored of your meals? Felix Food is here with tips to avoid being in a food rut As students, our food budgets might be limited, but this does not mean our diets are boring! Eating out or ordering takeaway is neither cheap nor healthy most of the time, but not only can you control the cost and what goes into your food when you cook yourself, we guarantee you will find it enjoyable and an easy (and tasteful) way to de-stress! Both of us, your food editors at Felix, cook regularly; here is how we avoid being in a food rut – i.e. eating the same food every day.

a shopping list/paper meal planning is; somehow Turn to low heat, then add 100g of risotto Carol Ann Cheah by writing it out, you’re more likely to stick to / Michael Yat Kit Chung rice and pour 300ml of chicken stock bit by carry out your plans then you would if they only bit, and keep stirring. Keep it simmering existed in your head. You’ll also start realising until the stock is absorbed and the rice is if you’re repeatedly buying/cooking the same completely cooked through when add the I’m a moderately clinically depressed bunny. things and know where to make tweaks. Personally I did not start cooking until coming stock has been added. Season, to taste, There, I said it. Some of you may be able to Now I’m a sucker for Japanese bento-style to university a few years back and as a passionate with salt and freshly ground black pepper. sympathise; others will roll your eyes and meals, and I use those as a bit of a springboard ‘foodie’ who can be described as skint, I thought wonder what this fact has to do with a food for meal planning and portion control. When I it would be a great point to start learning to cook. column – you might accuse me of turning this can, I think about what meals I want to have for For me, the number one step to avoid being in Stir Fry into a sympathy fest. Rest assured there’s a the week and what ingredients will go into those a food rut is keep your cupboard stocked. From In my opinion, this is where Chinese cooking reason for this! meals – those go in my shopping list. Where tinned tomatoes to stock cubes, from dry herbs shows its best – the number of options you get The long and short of it is this: EVERYTHING. possible I’ll ‘double up’ meals so that leftover to pasta – if you have it ready to hand, you in a stir fry is just phenomenal! In this recipe, Diet’s a major player in making or breaking your dinner one night can get incorporated into lunch can be a lot more creative about what you eat. I am going to use rice noodles as my carbs, mood and energy, which affects productivity. the next day, albeit with extra add-ons so that it From a young age, we were taught that but equally you can use rice, other noodles, I could go on about the science of different won’t be exactly the same meal (which keeps nutritious meals have three main parts: or even spaghetti for a more chewy texture! neurotransmitters et al. (which control your it interesting). Say I’ll have a stir-fry meat dish carbohydrates, protein, vegetables. This is what First of all, follow the instructions on the mood and energy) that are linked to diet; but with rice one night – I’ll have it with couscous I base my evening meals on. Carbohydrates, packet and soften the rice noodles. Heat up a pan that’s really not the point of this column. the next day and different fruit for dessert. such as rice and pasta, can easily be stored in and add the oil and the so called ‘Holy Trinity’, In any case, I totally understand that some After a period of time working with plans/ the cupboard, while vegetables and protein I get chopped spring onions, garlic and ginger. Then days it’s all so overwhelming – coursework, that lists-on-paper, you find you’ll get better at it. during my weekly food shop. This might be the add the chopped leek and fry them until half annoying dude on the fourth floor of Central My mum has a magical ability to buy the right first time to say this, but frozen vegetables are softened, when you put the chopped mushrooms Library who can’t keep his shoes on – and amount during the weekly shop – even sans list. very versatile when it comes to being part of your and chicken thigh chunks into the mix. prepping a good meal is the last thing on your five a day – no chopping or washing required! When all ingredients are mostly cooked, mind (more so when you have OC and Wasabi Try Something New Today So for example: at the moment I have add the rice noodles in and mix everything within sniffing distance). Do I have days where Lest I sound like I’m ripping off the Sainsbo’s some boneless chicken thighs, leek and up so the rice noodles taste flavoursome I don’t eat as well as I should? You betcha; we’re tagline, it’s one way I inject a bit of fun into mushrooms in the fridge from my weekend with all the juices from the meat and only human. But in a high-stress environment my food and it makes me expand my culinary shop since they are on offer. And here are leeks. Then served it up! It’s that easy! like Imperial, it’s important to take care of horizons. I’ll spare a weekend to have a quick a few example dishes you can make with yourself even when you’re tooling hard. When look at the aisles and do a bit of ‘New Ingredient these ingredients as the ‘core elements’. I’ve eaten properly, I definitely find that I’m less Roulette’ – I’ll pick a vegetable /seasoning that achy and my concentration’s better. Not perfect, I have minimal experience/knowledge of, then but it’s a start. No warehouse of energy drinks try and incorporate that ingredient into my Soup can substitute for a proper diet. cooking, whether it’s by Googling a new recipe, Cut the chicken thighs into chunks, season “BUT IT’S SO HARD,” you cry. Well if you or just going freestyle. (Eek!) and pan fry them with a little oil until browned. can derive equations till you’re blue in the face, Through this I’ve discovered I quite dig cooked Leave them to rest to aside, we will add it at the you’ll be happy to hear that preventing a food beetroot (especially in a salad). In a milder end. Now with all the flavours from the chicken rut is way simpler – the hard part is the doing, version of Ingredient Roulette, my housemate in the pan, melt a bit of butter, add an onion and but plenty of tips exist to make it easier! has discovered that he actually doesn’t mind two cloves of garlic and cook for a few minutes anchovies after all... but only if they’re broken until softened. Then add a chopped potato, a down in pasta puttanesca sauce, not if they’re chopped leek and the chopped mushrooms whole. Bit too adventurous? Start small by into the pan and fry for around three minutes. making a single ingredient tweak in one of your Add enough chicken stock to cover all the favourite recipes (say swap peas in your fried rice ingredients and bring the mixture to the boil. for chopped French beans), rather than basing a Then reduce the heat and simmer for ten whole recipe around your single new ingredient. minutes, or until the vegetables are tender. At this point, it is optional whether you want to Keep It Simple, Silly mash the ingredients so you get a smoother One of the ways to absolutely hate cooking texture. Add the chicken back into the pan at low is to make it more complex than it really is. heat for a minute or so then stir in double cream You don’t need to sous-vide the hell out of your to your liking and remove the pan from the heat. grub to have a decent meal; neither do you need If you are not a fan of soup, you can make 42 courses for interest. The key is in picking this into a sauce quite easily, just reduce the stuff that is either so quick it only needs minutes amount of liquid you put into the pan! The on the hob, or stuff that needs a bit more time sauce will go well with spaghetti, fusilli or but is ‘set and forget’ – like say, something that indeed any kind of pasta, and if you are feeling needs a slow roast (let the oven do all the work), having a bit of an Asian twist, serve it with rice! or a simmer for at least 30 minutes. Oftentimes I’ll just bung a pork belly joint (with a bit of seasoning) into the oven to let roast, set the timer, Risotto and have my revision to hand while I wait for it Time for the Italian spin. Heat a bit of butter Failure to prepare... to be ready. On the other end of the spectrum, and a tablespoon of oil in a saucepan over a Forethought is your best friend when it I tap back into my Asian roots and let a quick medium heat. Add an onion, a clove of garlic, comes to breaking out of the food rut. You’ll stir-fry take care of my vegetables. Because the a leek and the mushroom, all chopped, and fry The risotto with chicken, leek and mushrooms, with added bacon and frozen vegetables! have heard MANY student guidebooks and veggies are cooked quickly over high heat, you for a minute, or until soft, then add seasoned money-saving columns harp on how important save as many of the good nutrients as possible. chicken thighs chunk and cook until browned. MICHAEL YAT KIT CHUNG 34 FRIDAY 21 MAR

CATNIP [email protected] Ask Annie, your friendly Agony Aunt

gony Aunt Annie Help! My friend set me up with one of Help! I’m not very good friends with Whiteley is the her friends, and we’ve been on three the people in my kitchen in halls, but Annie’s Editorial: A look woman who dates, sleeping together after the third. I got dragged along to the union with fought for women’s As we were about to have sex, she told them last week. I drank too much, and at Annie’s sexual past cloakroom facilities me that she wasn’t the sort of girl to do made a fool of myself, but they thought atA Imperial, and thus is qualified this, and asked me if I was seeing other it was hilarious, and now they want Annie has a very colourful sexual history, and has tried to solve all your problems. people, to which I honestly replied that I me to go out with them all the time. I just about everything at least once, in order to be able to wasn’t. I’m now worried that she might did have fun with them, and it’s great offer advice on just about any topic. Here are some things think that we’re exclusive, and I’m not that we’re now friends, but I don’t want that Annie has discovered about the world of sex from her ready for that sort of commitment with to have to get drunk to have them like (relatively small and unrepresentative) sample. her. What should I do? me. Are they taking advantage of me? Polyamorous in Peckham Used in Upper Holloway People of nine different nationalities are represented in this mini-survey. Although Annie has been known to swing the After three dates with someone that It’s great that you don’t want to just What other way, sex with 14% of the male sexual partners took you didn’t know previously, you can’t play up to your friends – a lot of people important place within the confines of a relationship, 30% as a one be fully exclusive. While she may have aren’t that brave. While you shouldn’t advice night stand, and the rest somewhere in between. Annie is got that impression from your answer, change yourself to make friends, if friends with just over half of these guys on Facebook. it doesn’t mean that you’re not free you want to fit in with this particular should to pursue other people. However, as group of people, you might find that Annie Around 6% of the men that Annie’s slept with have been soon as you decide that you want a you have to adjust to their banter dish out virgins, or at least claimed to be. relationship with her, you should stop level. That might mean doing some seeing any other people, as she may embarrassing stuff, but as long as you next Exactly the same number of people were older and younger Help! I made out with my best friend not bring it up again. She’s clearly the don’t go further than anyone else, week? than Annie (41% either way), with 18% being the same age. at a party last week, and although type of girl who prizes exclusivity, so they’re not taking advantage of you, Email we said it didn’t mean anything, now make sure that you’re aware of that, and you don’t need to worry about 43% of men have asked Annie to put something in their that I’m sober, I’m not sure whether and treat her accordingly. it. As long as you’re not being singled any ideas arse, and 20% demonstrated a fetish at some point. it would have happened if she didn’t out, and you’re not uncomfortable to the have some sort of feelings for me. It’s with anything you’re doing, don’t address 50% of sexual partners gave Annie an orgasm at some point not awkward, and we’re still very good Help! I’ve been sleeping with someone worry too much about it. in their first encounter. friends, but I’m worried that I’ll be for a couple of months, with neither of below! hurting her feelings whenever I get with us seeing other people, despite never 50% of partners had brown hair, 14% ginger hair, 13% black someone else. How can I clear this up having discussed our relationship. Help! I really like this girl, and I’m hair, and 23% were blonde. Within this, one person was with her? Last week, I got very drunk, and really keen to start dating her, but arguably bald. Overcautious in Old Street kissed someone else. I don’t think it she’s very similar to my ex-girlfriend would happen again, and they don’t in every possible way, and my friends The largest penis that Annie admits to having seen hits a There are two ways that you can deal remember, so I don’t think it’s a big keep making fun of me. How can I bell-curve thrashing nine inches, with the smallest being a with this. You can you can take her deal. Should I confess? convince them that this real, and I’m relatively shy four and a half inches. Annie reports a non- at her word, if you think that she’s Intoxicated in Imperial Wharf not trying to substitute my ex? traditional relation between ethnicity and endowment. already had the opportunity to reveal Wooing in Woolwich any feelings, then you have to trust her. If you’ve never discussed the status Annie has had sex with 18% of these partners at some You can’t go through life, taking into of your relationship, then you’re Your friends are probably just joking point in a public place, which is coincidentally the same account any emotions that you’re not technically free to do whatever you because they know that you won’t number of people who were “otherwise attached” at the being told about. If she does get upset, want. However, if neither of you have be particularly offended by it. If they time (although not always to Annie’s knowledge). you have nothing to feel guilty about, been seeing other people, and you’ve were seriously concerned that you so don’t worry too much about it. Or been seeing each other for a while, weren’t over your ex, then they would At Imperial, Annie’s sampled scientists, engineers, and you can explicitly bring it up with her, you might have to face the fact that talk to you about it, instead of taking medics. Annie thinks that the scientists do it best ;) which might make it awkward if she’s the other may be upset if you get with the piss. You shouldn’t have to justify a bit embarrassed about it. As long as someone else. If you think that they’re anything to your friends, they should If you have any questions about Annie’s sex she has, at some point, said that she’s likely to find out, I think that you accept whoever you want to see life, send an email to catnip.felix@imperial. not interested, then you’re free to should tell them, because it’ll sound a (though they should offer advice if you ac.uk believe that. lot better coming from you. If there’s think it’s needed). Be aware that you no way that they’ll find out, and you might be worrying about this because don’t think that it’s likely to repeat you think that you might actually be itself, then there’s really no point in trying to replace her. mentioning it. Send Annie your problems and suggestions at [email protected] Annie’s Lonely Hearts Feeling lonely? We all know that it’s hard to meet people at Imperial, so Aunt Annie wants to make it a bit easier for you. If you’re looking for a special someone, missed a connection, or want to let someone know how you feel, send a message to [email protected] and maybe you’ll find a match here.

ender tautological tenor urprisingly social guy usty media migrator thletic girl wants to find weaty 4chan addict seeks looking for musical mate who’d still rather spend WLTM similarly dusty a sporty guy to share absolutely anything for for an interesting interlude his Wednesday nights company for exploration Sports Nights with, nocturnal romp. Find me during the interval. Must playing CoD than at ACC, of the tunnels. And that’s who’ll be worth the and message me on bitchat. have a great pair of lungs is hoping to find a girl not even an intentional fines from her social Am willing to trade private Tand willing to play in alternative Swho won’t sneer at computer games. Dinnuendo. Come and find me in the secA for talking to boys. Must be willing Skeys for a more intimate encounter. tunings ;) You don’t have to be a gamer too, just West Basement… before it’s too late. to give massages and hold an ice pack. understand that sometimes my real life comes second to my virtual one. See something you like? Send us an email and we’ll pass it on. Let Annie help you get lucky in love. FRIDAY 21 MAR 35 Best Features

My Week As A Coup-De-Torial don’t remember anything after that. the turnip Sab-Elect Thursday Hangman’s Finest College News Source Hangman Sabbactical-To-Be Editor-in-Chief DPW To deal with my hangover I stay in bed all morning and read the news online. Apparently there is someone having West Basement Following the tumultuous events Monday more luck than me with the whole surrounding the unseating of the merging thing over in Crimea, seems tyrannical dictator, Joe Letts and his Dear diary, last week I won an election. legit. Migration Conspiracy obedient minions, it is only right that I thought everyone would realise that I we take time to reflect on how this will stood because of a drunken bet made Friday The Consequences Of A Huge Waste Of Effort change student publishing at Imperial in Eastside, but no, now I have to stay forever. Much like the fall of the Soviet here for another year. At least I get Bloody EU. I stubbed my toe this This week, the media societies, STOIC, Then, even after they move all of Union or Arab Spring, the great 2014 paid an exorbitant salary, so that’s OK. morning because I had to buy one of IC Radio, and Imperial’s second best their news offices to another location, Felix liberation will provide both hope those energy saving light bulbs that newspaper, Felix, are moving from the all of their main stories will be based an trepidation in equal measure. Tuesday don’t produce as much light as the basement. The filthy hovel that has upon their original location. Any For sure, we have rid ourselves of good old fashioned British ones. And been the home to all of our college’s criticism of this will be met by the one of the most evil publishing figures Today I thought I’d start as I mean to then I got really angry about human palest and least popular dorks will be cries of “Nothing happens outside in Imperial history, but rebuilding continue, and do some merging. On rights laws and the metric system. renovated into something boring. London!” by the BBC, or “Where the process will be slow and the chance of my way into college I decide to merge These Eurocrat facists trying to merge This past year has seen all of the hell is Silwood Park?” by Felix. counter-revolution instigated by the my bike into a car, because no student everything and make us all the same. media groups working closer together Lastly, the once proud organisation Onion Knight remains an ever present union can really afford to have both Bastards. than ever, producing some of the best will be mired in scandal as almost problem. a car and a bike. Unfortunately, I am work ever censored by the Union’s all of their old stars turn out to have Most of all, it is important the we gravely injured. Well, at least I’m not publicity team. But by putting all of been sex offenders. ‘Journalists’ at the stick together in these troubled times an international student and I don’t their media eggs into one basket, and Tab (I’m legally required to add the and really pull through, if not for have to pay to use the NHS. moving that basket somewhere stupid, quotation marks) have already begun ourselves, then for the incoming class they have unwittingly copied the BBC. hacking phones and guessing wildly in of 2014-15 who are, as yet, untainted Wednesday Our Hangman Scientists have used order to determine who the perverts by this horrible, horrible war. their clever models and statistical are. So, go forth this day and write. Flood After a shaky start with the merging I mumbo-jumbo to extrapolate But perhaps the biggest questions the Hangman offices with all sorts of think I should give it another go. My forwards into the future of the Media for the future of the Media group are: colourful writings, be it the simple lecturers didn’t seem keen on merging group. Based on our projections, Where will they move to? Will the joy of discovering a new recipe/TV with UCL, and the bus driver was not Felix will be repeatedly criticised for stuff get any better? Are we ever going program or an opinion you’ve always happy about merging with the tube, being the mouthpiece of the Union to get sick of Metric Moments? Will wanted to get on paper. Now is the but they call the loony left loony for a by a newspaper with a somewhat the deposed Joe Letts get an enormous time for truly, we are free at last reason! Later, in Eastside, I decide to questionable reputation. severance package? Or will it all end in from the whip of tyranny. Long live merge beer, wine and cheap whisky. I tears and broken promises? Hangman. CANCER G TA G VIR EMINI ARIES U LEO R U O S

You didn’t win your Union Someone used your pass- You finally suck up the courage Your comedy Facebook page You read out all of the horo- You buy a huge bag of sugar election, but don’t worry, you port to steal a Malaysian to have your first gynaecologi- ‘Ruin Someone’s Investigation’ scopes, telling your friends free gummy bears as an have bigger problems. Tak- airplane and now you’re the cal check-up, only to find out has been eclipsed by the Tell what Hangman said would April Fool’s day prank for ing two weeks off has tanked number one suspect. You’re that your doctor has prosthetic Someone Something scandal. happen to them. One of them your housemate. The joke’s your coursework grade and on every no-fly list, and even hooks for hands. It hurt, but The worst part is having your takes the time to remind you on you however, as his anus the leftover sweets have worse, they’ve barred you now you can only get aroused expertise go to waste while you that horoscopes aren’t real, becomes Niagara Falls while filled your bedroom with ants. from the Union. by photos of Abu Hamza. could have ruined the college before inviting you to join in banging your drunk girlfriend, Hope it was worth that drunk- investigation in a much better his protest about public cross- leaving you to hose them en pity sex on election night. way. Say, with balloons and roads being shaped too much both down while they cry and shit. like crucifixes. apologise. CAPRICORN AQ SA SCORPIO G ITTARI U U PISCES ARI LIBRA U S S

After winning DPW, you re- Your girlfriend convinces you You try to distill your own vodka You’ve been doing her work It’s almost 11pm and you’re Your plot to murder the annoy- member that you pledged that she’s pregnant so that you’ll in your bedroom, but when for weeks now, and she still sat in a hotel room writing ing guy in your lecture goes one third of your sabbatical stay with her, but you notice that you drink it, you realise that doesn’t seem likely to put out. horoscopes. Some people or- down the pan when you realise salary to student scholar- she’s suddenly not pregnant you have somehow fermented Enough is enough, you decide. der pizza, others order extra- you’ve never actually been in a ships, some of whom may whenever someone offers her a dying rat, into a drink that’s She can write her own lectures, cheap hookers that try to steal fight, and CSI is grossly exag- international students. You any kind of alcohol. Your friends strangely delicious, but it gives and mark her own goddamn your passport in a desper- gerated. Also, he looks really throw up all over yourself, and don’t want you to dump her you horrible visions about how problem sheets. ate bid for freedom, but not mad, so you probably want to cover the eyes of your Nigel because they would miss your your friends are going to die. you. You write nonsense for drop the bat and run. Right Farage shrine, lest his disap- sloppy seconds, so you just a newspaper nobody reads. now. Don’t look back. proving gaze fall upon you. shrug and go back the library. Shit just got self-referential. FRIDAY 21 MAR 36

Puzzles Commanders: Kingshuk Dasadhikari, Oliver Price PUZZLES [email protected]

Chess by Chess Soc FUCWIT League Jerome Tan 15 Crossword Clues Helix 8 White to play and nickwp 82 Gabriel Quek 7 Quick Clues: mate in 7 Jia Choo 77.5 Emma and Ben 6 Juliette Chupin 20.5 Catmelon 4 Across Adam Stewart 18.5 WJ 4 Yufan Zhao 17 Angus Liu 3.5 1. Keratin stylist (11) 6. Inn (5) Crossword 8. Beauty (7) 9. Rank (7) 10. Proportion (5) 11. Offensive capability (9) 13. What you’ll probably be doing next term (5) 15. Mean bit (anagram) / atmos- pheric (7) 18. Doughnut shaped plasma con- finement device (7) 19. Wash thoroughly (5) 20. Emitting ionising particles (11) Sudoku Down

Each row, column, 1. Spiral fairground ride (6,7) and 3 x 3 box 2. Live / consider (5) must contain all 3. Type of bird (7) the numbers from 4. Male chicken (7) 1 to 9. That’s all. 5. Mendeleev’s masterpiece (8,5) Enjoy... 7. Cartoon catchphrase (3) 8. Ship – pier access (9) 11. Rugby union forwards 6 and 7 (7) 12. Continued (7) 16. Elementary (5) Nonogram 17. To make a mistake (3) The lengths of runs of shaded squares in each row and each column are given. Squares can only be shaded or unshaded. Solve the puzzle to unveil a pretty picture.

Killer:

No clues! Instead, the numbers in each cage must add up Last week to the number in the top left. Numbers cannot be repeated of puzzles in a cage. Tips: The numbers in each box, row and for this column must add up to 45. Look for cages with term!!! only one possible combination e.g. a two wide cage total 3 must contain 1 and 2 .

Last Week’s Solutions Milder Sudoku Guess the Stop (No points given) The British rail network runs far and wide. The name of a line is scrambled in the following anagram, and the name of a stop on that line, with the given number of letters is encoded by the sum of the letters, where A=1, B=2... Z=26, Space/Punctuation=0. Find Chess: the line and stop. Note that London 1. Qxh7+! Kxh7 2. Underground lines may also be hxg6++ Kxg6 (2... possible answers. Kg8 Rh8#) 3. Be4# Anagram: Yeller non ditch Stop: 9 letters, Sum: 102 Last Week: Cambrian Coast Line, Porthmadog FRIDAY 21 MAR 37

@feliximperial

FelixImperial SPORT

Hitotsubashi University members were eager to practice with years. Obviously, our members were Meeting kendoka who on average start training very excited to see this rare display, Imperial lose at Chichester in secondary school, and they were and were deeply honoured when they not disappointed, with yours truly took the time to teach us the first Jake Humphrey unable to even touch their strongest movement, based on Spring. Katherine Fok gives her account IC Kendo Club players. Our next meeting was on Saturday in On our Thursday practice the fol- Ethos, where we faced off in a friendly Imperial’s 11 players were prepared penalty saw Captain Pip Heggie run The Kendo Club went international lowing day, our guests took a teach- 10-person team match. Even with take on the table-topping Chiches- a short dummy line with the ball in- recently as it played host to a score of ing role as they showed us a series of Team Britain augmented by top ken- ter, who had yet to drop a point this stead going long to Charlie Stephens students from Hitosubashi University, movements known as kata. Kata are doka from nearby clubs, they slaugh- season. The opponents kicked off the who powered through for a the fourth Tokyo. As the only University in Ja- fairly common in kendo as a method tered us 6–3, and we went in earnest first half and chased well to settled try of the match. Taking the conver- pan specialising entirely in the Social of practicing movements that, whilst into a practice session, followed by into Imperial’s 22. They retained pos- sion again, Imperial were in the lead Sciences, and one of the top-ranking not necessarily being useful directly lunch at Eastside. session through numerous phases and at 14-10. Japanese Universities, it may be help- in a match, can help train the mind to The following day saw us take the train combined well between forwards and With plenty of time still on the clock, ful to think of it as the Japanese LSE. move one’s body efficiently or notice to Cambridge, where, at the request backs. Good support in defense saw Chichester kept running at Imperial This visit constituted the third in a se- openings in the opponents stance, as of our new friends, we spent the day Imperial turn the ball on several oc- and their backs had many set plays to ries of annual exchanges from one of well as being required to pass kendo sightseeing. After arriving just in time casions but were unable to clear their show off. In a moment of creativity, our clubs to the other, with some of gradings. (read: 10 minutes late) for our booked lines having to kick against the blister- their outside centre chased her own our members and theirs recognising However, the kata shown to us by our punt, we had lunch and visited the col- ing wind. Chichester even managed to kick into space behind Imperial’s line. each other from the trip to Japan our visitors was different. Called Hojyo, it leges, before catching a train back to make their way over the 5 m line, but Full back Sammy Gottardi worked club held last Summer. was a series of four movements, each London, with both sides eagerly mak- Imperial held firm despite playing the hard to chase her back and the result- On Wednesday 26th February, the symbolising a different season, de- ing plans for our next meeting, when first 10 minutes in their own half. ing pressure prevented Chichester Japanese students joined us for one veloped by Hitotsubashi and passed our club will once again fly over to Ja- After winning possession, Imperial fi- from grounding the ball successfully. of our regular practice sessions. Our down from senpai to kouhai over the pan to hone our skills in the country of nally carried the ball over the half way kendo’s creation. line. Edging towards the 22 yard line, There was an impressive effort from Pip Heggie crashed through the oppo- Imperial’s defense with forward of two BBUs up front. A well-positioned the right to play the second half, and sition’s forward pack and drew in de- the match Alice Liberman putting in IC 4s gain Inigo Torres made a vital clearance he has since gracefully apologized for fenders. Support followed swiftly and countless tackles around the break- off the line. However, once the 4s got letting the team down. On came Josh fly half Kath Fok stepped around her down and supporting quickly over a foothold in the game, there was no Parsi. We were eager to prove that the opposite number 10 and took on three the rucks to turn over Chichester ball. promotion looking back. Fogo’s blueberry and first half was no fluke, and wanted to of the opposition offloading from the Likewise, the midfield pair of Char- porridge breakfast really looked to be carry on playing confident football ground to Charlotte Stephens. She lie and Carolanne were impenetrable doing the trick, having already looked with a few more goals. After all, fan- passed on to the outside centre and and making Chichester to go wide in style dangerous in the opening stages, he tasy points were at stake. back of the match Carolanne Vour- and forcing their backline into mak- latched onto a Cravingdale lofted We all wanted a bit of the action, and iot who came running at speed. She ing mistakes. Still Chichester had not Olivia Szepietowski through ball and took the shot ridicu- captain/tactical mastermind extraor- crashed and weaved her way through choice but keep trying to go to their lously early in Thierry Henry-esque dinaire Chris Schon managed to get several tackles to go over the line. Im- extra player on the outside where they IC Polo Captain fashion, bamboozling the goalkeeper his spot on the limelight, latching perial drew first blood and scrum half were met by Sammy and winger Ra- as the ball trickled past him into the onto a goalkeeping error from a Dan Lana Lee converted the try for the 7-0 bia Lakhani who combined to prevent back of the net. 1-0. Gregory corner and bundling the ball lead. them breaking down the far side. Saturday 15th March. A date all mem- And it wasn’t long before it was 2-0. into the back of the net. Fogo added Again Chichester came back strong. Chichester were always threatening bers of the 4th team had pencilled in Every second ball was won by IC, and two more to his tally with a couple of They finally saw sense to go wide and and eventually changed tack. Their their diary for a long time. The season after a UCL free kick was launched trademark lobs, one from an exquisite take advantage of their extra player in outside centre to cut back against decider awaited. A win would guar- into the IC half, this time was no dif- Josh Parsi lobbed through ball. their backline and coupled this with the traffic and broke through behind antee promotion. Anything else was ferent. Eventually Edin Dzeko scram- The game was rounded off by a mod- strong runs from their fullback. Even the breakdown from the 22, running unimaginable. Fogo had consumed bling the ball towards Cravingdale ern-day miracle. A goal from Guy with organised defensive play, Imperi- through to score. Unable to take the his handful of blueberries and bowl who skinned his left back for not the Frankel. Henry found acres of space al were a player down and Chichester conversion, Imperial were still only of porridge in order to increase his last time of the match and slotted in the midfield once more. He turned were able to run around the outside one point behind at 14-15, with 15 concentration levels by 15%. A pack of firmly into the bottom left corner. and received a thunderous shout from to score on the wing. Imperial held minutes of play left. twisters had been gleefully destroyed IC continued to press and played Frankel to play one more, which he on until just before half time where However, the intensity of the game by the team to obtain optimal glucose some mesmerising football. Unafraid did. The pass was weighted perfectly, again the backs were outnumbered proved to be too much and Chichester levels for the match. Before beginning to play out from the back and wait for and upon cries of ‘BANG IT’ primar- and Chichester found space to run were able to bring on their fresh legs our journey to #FortressHarlington, the right moment to break forward, ily from Edin Dzeko, Frankel did as he through and score a second try. At whilst continuing to pile pressure onto we had to wait for the arrival of the the 4s really began to show their class. was told and BANGED IT first time the half time whistle, the score stood Imperial. Despite the heroic effort tardy Guy Frankel and Alex Craving- Henry Rowett was finding all sorts from twenty yards into the bottom at 7-10. from across the team to retain recycle dale, who decided they would be even of space between the lines and Matt left corner. 9-0 and the cherry on top Imperial returned the favour from the the ball in attack and fend off Chiches- tardier and take about half an hour to Knights played it into his feet, where of the icing on the cake. Promotion kick off in the second half to camp in ter’s onslaught, they eventually scored grab some food from the library Café. Henry turned and played a sumptuous secured in the most emphatic style. Chichester’s half. A clearing kick was twice more with the game finishing at Apparently an ABC (Avocado Bacon through ball between the opposition Changing room champagne shower charged down by Kath Fok and Im- 14-27. Chicken) was key to his recovery from full back and centre-half, Cravingdale and midnight KFC well earned. perial reacted well to win possession. With the last game of BUCS complet- a seemingly traumatic and exhausting nonchalantly latched onto it, playing Within their 5 m line, Chichester’s ed, the team turn to their remaining two nights out, which included drink- an inch-perfect low ‘triple tap x’ cross ICUAFC is sponsored by: players were scrambling in defense two games in LUSL, needing wins in ing one whole beer on Friday. Such is to Fogo, who slotted once more. 3-0. and conceeded penalty for not roll- both games to retain the title! Cravingdale’s 90210-esque lifestyle. And before half time it was 5-0 to IC ing away at the tackle. The resulting Nevertheless we arrived in good time 4s. Another fast attack down the right and had the pleasure of changing in won a throw in by the corner flag. The main Harlington as well as playing ball went loose but Henry managed to on the show pitch in the glorious sun, latch onto it and harmlessly prodded hoping for a glorious outcome. Africa it back towards Cravingdale who was Won? Lost? by Toto played on Dylan’s ‘£3 Ebay 30 yards out in the inside right chan- speakers, £2 for delivery’ gave us plen- nel. Of course the obvious thing to do Tied? Send ty of inspiration if not audio quality. was to ‘Yaya Touré’ it into the top left Many bananas were consumed as well corner with the instep, and he duly your match as an excellent balance of water and obliged. An outrageous effort. Lucozade sport, a level of pre-match The fifth was bizarrely similar to the report to us! preparation unheard of at university third, a fast break down the right and level. a low cross, ending in a first half hat The match started a bit cagily. IC were trick for Fogo Adelowo. The enigma dominant in possession but not quite strikes once more. so much in territory. They looked Three assists and two goals wasn’t FELIX SPORT quite dangerous on the break with quite enough for Cravingdale to earn 38 FRIDAY 21 MAR

Editor: Kunal Wagle SPORT [email protected] Six Nations: The Verdict

In the aftermath of one of the most poetic endings to the Six Nations yet, familiar foes Jonny Pratt and Tessa Davey give their verdict on the best, and worst, of the Six Nations

JONNY’S WINNERS AND LOSERS

Player of the Tournament Breakout Player

Mike Brown Luther Burrell

Try of the tournament Worst Moment of the Six Nations: Rob Kearney v England The try in the 77th minute of the Best Match France vs Ireland game, which would have made England the France v Ireland tournament winners, if only it hadn’t been via a forward pass

JONNY’S TEAM OF THE TOURNAMENT Six Nations Round Up

Jonny Pratt and Tessa Davey give their verdict on the six teams with the Rugby World Cup in England just one year away.

players they have coming through BBC ENGLAND SCOTLAND ITALY there’s real hope for the future. PA

It’s far too easy to lament a bad bounce To put it bluntly this was a terrible While this was the worst Six Nations of the ball or some poor last minute tournament for Scotland, a one- for Italy in a good few years there WALES defensive lapses and miss the bigger point win against Italy was one of a were a lot of promising signs. Michele picture. England, with aspirations of few high points. Could and perhaps Campagnaro seems quite an exciting It’s hard to get a real judge on Wales a home Rugby World Cup success should have beaten France on the young player in the centres, and I this year, they seem to have lost their in 2015, should have won a Grand day, but sport is judged on absolutes. fully expect a number of teams to be edge from previous years, with the Slam. The vast majority of knockout Hopefully the arrival of Vern Cotter sounding him out for a potential move spikiness of Mike Phillips going past matches in the RWC are tight games, will provide them with some fresh this summer. The old stereotype that an acceptable point. Wales still have a so you have to be comfortable closing impetus, though Scott Johnson has when Parisse doesn’t perform neither team with some fantastic players, but them out. Some really impressive done little to show why he should be do Italy is sadly still true, and with it feels like the end of an era. Warren performances besides the France Director of Rugby. It’s hard to take their captain out of sorts for the whole Gatland needs to look at blooding game leave them very much on the too much from the final game, since tournament the Italians lacked their some younger players; otherwise way up. the loss of a fullback that early is an supply of gain line busting runs. After Wales could well be a long way behind impossible position. a few years of punching above their England and Australia in their RWC weight Italy face a bit of a rebuilding pool. IRELAND phase, but with the quality of young FRANCE What is it with Ireland and new coaches? A really strong Six Nations A fairly bad year for France; the team culminated in an intensely stressful never seemed to gel and we didn’t see final match (for everyone who isn’t anywhere near enough flair. Their Scotland or Italy). Schmidt might not wins against England and Scotland quite have brought ‘Leinstertainment’ could quite easily have gone the to the team just yet, but they other way, and Philippe Saint-André looked very good throughout the needs to take a deep look at his team. tournament. Their power game in the The attempt to blood Jules Plisson mauls destroyed Wales, and ultimately was admirable, and it was certainly provided the points difference that interesting to see France pick a fly- won the title. half at 10, but it never took off for the young Parisian. Despite this they were still in contention, and could continue to spring surprises at the RWC. FRIDAY 21 MAR 39

@feliximperial

FelixImperial SPORT Six Nations: The Verdict

In the aftermath of one of the most poetic endings to the Six Nations yet, familiar foes Jonny Pratt and Tessa Davey give their verdict on the best, and worst, of the Six Nations

TESSA’STESSA’S WINNERSWINNERS ANDAND LOSERSLOSERS

Player ofPlayer the Tournament of the Tournament BreakoutBreakout Player Player

Brian O’DriscollBrian O’Driscoll Liam WilliamsLiam Williams

Try of theTry tournament of the tournament Worst WorstMoment Moment of theof theSix Six Na- Nations:tions: DamienDamien Chouly Chouly vs Ireland…vs Ireland (even even ifthough it wasn’t it wasn’t given given) The entireThe Englandentire EnglandWales match,Wales match, in whichin which my hopes my hopesand dreams and dreams Best MatchBest Match came camecrashing crashing to the to ground the ground

France vFrance Ireland v Ireland

TESSA’S “HOTTIES” OF THE TOURNAMENT

INPHO PA Giampiero Sposito/Reuters

PA GETTY IMAGES “Keep Editor: The Paper Free From 21/03/14 SPORTZ Mr Sport Tyranny” Issue 1573

Frankly, No One Gives A Premier League Toss About University Sport Predictions to France vs A Team Of Players Hangman Barely Anyone Has Heard Off and Editor-in-Chief such is thought to be likely to be very close. France have already managed Saturday to secure qualification for the World Cup this summer so are unlikely Chelsea v Arsenal to be particularly interested in the These two teams have both result. Crystal Palace, however, have Insert done well so far with their players. it all to do if they are to feature in However, there is good reason to Brazil in June. Expect big things suspect that these players aren’t from Marouane Chamakh for some quite the players they were when reason, most probably because he’ll they last played. It’ll be a close one be schamakhing them in. Prediction: but since whoever normally writes 3-6 this is a Chelsea fan, I’ll have to go Generic for them. Prediction: 4-0 Norwich v Sunderland Is there anything about this Cardiff v Liverpool Norwich v Sunderland match Both of these sides play in red so that hasn’t already been written? that could be a problem unless one I doubt it, but I’m bravely forging side manages to dye their shirts in on regardless. Gus Poyet, as is his which case we should be fine. The want, will probably work himself Sports Image 15:00 kick will probably favour into such a rage that he will just have Liverpool as they have the better to rip his jacket it off and throw it team. Prediction: 2-7 as Wes Brown [West Brom?]. Chris Hughton, however, is just lucky Everton v Swansea to have a jacket at all as a nice one Everton and Swansea, now there is quite hard to find in Norwich. are two teams that play a lot of Regardless, everyone on all sides Here football. Roberto Martinez, a man will be rooting for Fabio Borini to do who’s managed a lot of teams. alright. Prediction: 3-3 (Sunderland Garry Monk, not so many. It’s all to go through on Away Goals). pointing towards an Everton win, but in this unpredictable Universe West Ham Utd v Man Utd it would be foolish to rule out any No one can claim that these are not Hangman describes the overall antipathy of all students towards scenario. Prediction: 5-6 AET United, especially in their mutual (Swansea to win in extra-time desire to play a “rocking, locking and all university level sports. multi-ball) popping” game of football to quote young Man Utd fan, David Moyes. et[t]s not beat around the I mean, it’s not like there exist anyone the editing process seems to consist of Hull v West Brom It’s hard to see past West Ham bush any longer. If you’ve beyond the immediate team that several rounds of concentration of the Yet another two sides playing in and their front three of Downing, come here looking for the even has the remotest emotional text to reach the impenetrable levels the Barclays Premier League this Nolan and Carroll but that’s mainly usual team sport reports investment in how that team with which we find them. weekend and both desperately because Andy Carroll’s exceptionally then you have made a serious performs in one of the many, equally need as many points as possible tall and wide like a double-decker Lmistake. Not so much that you have unimportant competitions available It then seems that the only logical way (as per the rules). Hull it has bus. Prediction: 1-1 found the wrong place, this is indeed, to student sports teams. to present the texts is with no images transpired recently are liable to be where they normally are. The problem whatsoever as, presumably, images head-butted at any moment, which Sunday lies in the fact that your life has come Go ahead, accuse me of glory-hunting, would be highly distracting for the in normal circumstances would to this. You are, presumably, so bored but I don’t think I’m alone in not giving sort of idiots who grab a copy of the be a disadvantage but, perversely, Tottenham v Southampton that you’d read any old rubbish about a flying fuck how the football 5th team newspaper only to read the reports of can be an advantage in football. Two teams that play beautiful something that truly does not matter. did in the competition where half the the 5th lacrosse team. It would be the height of the football and Tottenham will battle teams didn’t turn up and the other half arrogance to dare predict the result this one out. Spurs are now very Indeed, not only does no one outside forgot to bring their kits. To conclude, if you did come here of this one. Prediction: 2-1 close to being able to drop all their the immediate team give a fuck about looking for the latest updates on how summer signings in a last ditch university sport, but it seems crazy to However, even this could be tolerable the water polo side got on then you are Man City v Fulham attempt to revert to Gareth Bale. even have a section dedicated to pages if the teams didn’t presumably either in the side (in which case you Die Miester. Die Besten. Les However, instinct tells me they won’t and pages of the stuff. hire illiterate primates to write the should probably remember) or you’re Grands Equipes. The main event. manage it this week and Saints with reports for them. They are often so temporarily out of the side, in which Yes, neither of these teams is in their better team and better manager Sure, partake in all the sports you want unintelligible as to represent little case you can probably ask any number the Champions League which is will see this one out comfortably. and by all means, enjoy it. But let[t] more than the random arrangement of your obnoxious friends what the the main reason why they’re both Prediction: 0-5 s just stop pretending that the match of letters on a page. score was if you are still somehow playing one another in a match reports from these things are even possessed with a burning desire to that it is already being dubbed as Aston Villa v Stoke worth the ink they’re printed with. Indeed, it is impossible to rule acquire useless facts. “ON” this weekend. Man City have Infamous grudge match which out the concept that all the match literally all the good players but neither team will want to lose, Oh yeah, great you travelled to reports are randomly generated by Thankfully, the Hangman revolution also Martin Demichellis for some although you’ve got to hope that [unknown university] and gave some computer deep in caverns of will put a stop to this bullshit and will reason. This should give Fulham neither go into a match wanting them a good thrashing/a stout game Ethos that produces endless strings only occasionally include important eternal hope and I fully expect to lose. Since both sides are the congratulations. Please, please, please of meaningless platitudes about how sport and very, very rarely include them to come away with all three epitome of average I’m going to have never talk about it again, especially everyone was contributing to the Imperial sports teams and even then points this weekend. Prediction: to assume Stoke will win by a Peter not in a public space like a student team effort despite the spirit-crashing only when they’ve one something 1-3 Crouch dirty goal and Johnathon newspaper. thrashing the team has received. extremely important like the World Walters non-penalty to a Fabian Cup or the Ashes. Newcastle v Crystal Palace Delph 100yard screamer. Prediction: None of this is helped by the fact that This match essentially boils down 1-2