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“A Lot of These Things Nobody Talks About”: South Asian Muslims’ Perceptions of Dating Behaviours and Abuse

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“A Lot of These Things Nobody Talks About”: South Asian Muslims’ Perceptions of Dating Behaviours and Abuse “A lot of These Things Nobody Talks About”: South Asian Muslims’ Perceptions of Dating Behaviours and Abuse by Amanda Couture A Thesis Submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of Master of Arts in The Faculty of Social Science and Humanities Criminology University of Ontario Institute of Technology July 2011 © Amanda Couture, 2011 CERTIFICATE OF APPROVAL Submitted by Amanda Couture In partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Arts in Criminology Date of Defence: 2011/07/27 Thesis title: “A lot of These Things Nobody Talks About”: South Asian Muslims’ Perceptions of Dating Behaviours and Abuse The undersigned certify that the student has presented her thesis, that the thesis is acceptable in form and content and that a satisfactory knowledge of the field covered by the thesis was demonstrated by the candidate through an oral examination. They recommend this thesis to the Office of Graduate Studies for acceptance. Examining Committee _________________________________________ Phillip C. H. Shon Chair of Examining Committee _________________________________________ Steven Downing External Examiner _________________________________________ Shahid Alvi Research Supervisor _________________________________________ [first name, last name] Co-Supervisor _________________________________________ Nawal Ammar Examining Committee Member _________________________________________ Arshia U. Zaidi Examining Committee Member As research supervisor for the above student, I certify that I have read and approved changes required by the final examiners and recommend the thesis for acceptance: _________________________________________ Shahid Alvi Research Supervisor ii Abstract The unique meanings people of varying cultures and religions assign to dating behaviours/abuse along with the context in which these meanings are created are largely neglected in dating abuse research. Applying intersectionality, I examine understandings of dating behaviours/abuse from the perspective of South Asian Muslims in Canada. To unravel the context in which these perceptions are formed, I use intersecting characteristics that emerged as themes in 11 qualitative interviews, which include: individual identities, influences of South Asian Muslim and mainstream Western cultures, and personal perceptions of dating. The majority of participants used religion, cultures, and nations as identifiers, perceived their communities to be opposed to dating, and felt pressure to date stemming from Western society. I argue that these intersect to shape their personal perceptions of dating and the meanings and significance of dating behaviours/abuse, which revolved around: significance of exposure and sexual behaviours, control, relationship attachment, and psychological behaviours/abuse. Key words: dating abuse; South Asian; Muslim; Islam; intersectionality iii Dedication To my ever-supportive parents, Shelley and Jack, for keeping me sane through this process and reminding me that everything would get finished because “there is no other option.” You were always the voice of reason. To my siblings, Eric and Krista, for their constant encouragement, especially in the form of whiteboard notes and arm-twisting. To my nephew, Conner, for always being a source of smiles…hiding under my desk getting my feet as I write this. To my loving husband, Dave, for his unwavering support of my academic pursuits and being “all in.” There’s nothing like notes of encouragement hidden in luggage before a conference presentation. iv Acknowledgements First and foremost, I would like to thank my supervisor, mentor, and “academic dad,” Dr. Alvi. You helped me find my voice (almost literally) by building my confidence throughout the past six years. You have always pushed me to my limits and challenged me to strive for more. For that, I am truly grateful. Your continuous support made it possible for me to be where I am today and know where I am headed tomorrow. Dr. Zaidi, thank you for the encouragement and countless opportunities over the last four years. Working with you has allowed me to expand both my skills and experiences. Our research together is what sparked my interests in studying dating abuse from a South Asian Muslim perspective. For that, I thank you for the opportunity to be inspired. I also greatly appreciate you always having my best interests in mind. Thank you Dr. Ammar. Your expertise, guidance, and support throughout this process have been immeasurable. I appreciate the time you took to give advice on both my thesis and academic career. I am also grateful for the numerous research opportunities you have given me, which I know will have a resounding effect even after I leave UOIT. Dr. Downing, thank you for your time and effort in reviewing this thesis. I would also like to express my sincere appreciation to the 11 participants who made this study possible. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences with me. To my fellow grad students, thank you for your friendship and support. It was always comforting to know we were going through this together. I will always have fond memories of our “socials,” which added some fun to the MA experience. v Last, but certainly not least, a very heartfelt and sincere thank you to the GBS/the Friend deserving of CAPS, JTSA, who was present for all of the ups and downs over the past two years, or 2.5 years if counting slightly-nerdy-summer prep. As everyone told us, it was difficult for others to relate to what we were going through. Having a constant supporter who understood and never minimized kept some of the crazy away. So, thank you for understanding and encouraging. And, never forget Nashville’s ability to make everything look better. vi Table of Contents 1. Introduction and Purpose…………………………………………………….………....1 2. Situating the Research Within a Broader Context…………………………....………...5 2.1 Dating and Dating Abuse…………………………………………....………...5 2.2 South Asian Muslims in Canada……………………………………….……...7 2.3 Dating Abuse and Intersectionality…………………………………….……...9 2.4 South Asian Muslim Immigrant Women: Culture, Religion, and Dating…...13 2.4.1 Denial of Social Problems and the “Model Minority” Myth…..…..13 2.4.2 Exposure to Conflicting Cultures…………………………………..14 2.4.3 Cultural, Religious, and Parental Expectations Regarding Dating...15 4.2.4 Family Honour……………………………………………………..16 2.4.5 Collectivisim……………………………………………………….18 2.4.6 Patriarchy…………………………………………………………..18 2.5 The Realities South Asian Muslim Dating…………………………………..20 3. Methods…………………………………………………………………………….….22 4. Data Analysis……………………………………………………………………….…29 4.1 Sample Profile…………………………………………………………….….29 4.2 A Brief Description of the Participants: Please Allow Me to Introduce…….30 4.3 More than South Asian Muslims: Participants’ Individual Identities………..32 4.3.1 Religious Identities………………………………………………...32 4.3.1.1 Islam as Spiritual………………………………………....33 4.3.1.2 Islam as a Way of Life…………...……………………....34 4.3.1.3 Identifying as Muslim to Others...……………………….35 vii 4.4.1.4 Summary…………………………………………………36 4.3.2 National Identities………………………………………………….36 4.3.3 Cultural identities……………………………………………….….37 4.3.4 Other Identities……………………………………………………..38 4.3.5 Salience of Identities and Switching Between Identities..…………39 4.3.6 Summary…………………………………………………………...40 4.4 Influence of South Asian Muslim Cultures: “Dating is Taboo” - Perceptions of the South Asian Muslim Community’s Acceptance of Dating……………………………………………………………………..41 4.4.1 Religious Rules…………………………………………………….42 4.4.2 Fear of Premarital Sex……………………………………………..42 4.4.3 Arranged Marriages and Family Honour…………………………. 43 4.4.4 Dating as a Generational Issue……………………………………..45 4.4.5 Summary…………………………………………………………...47 4.5 Influences of the Mainstream West: Pressure to Date……………………….47 4.5.1 Feeling Different or Left Out.……………………………………...47 4.5.2 Social Surroundings Encouraging Dating………………………….49 4.5.3 Social Surroundings Discouraging Dating…….…………………..50 4.5.4 Difficulties Arising From Pressure to Date………………………..51 4.5.5 Summary…………………………………………………………...53 4.6 What is Dating?: Participants’ Perceptions of the Definition and/or Purpose of Dating…………………………………………………………….53 4.6.1 Getting to Know Someone…………………………………………54 4.6.2 Finding and Having a Constant Partner and Intimacy..……………55 4.6.3 Recognition of Diversity in Definitions and Purposes…..………...56 viii 4.6.4 Summary…………………………………………………………...57 4.7 Personal Acceptance of Dating………………………………………………58 4.7.1 Unqualified Acceptance of Dating…………………………………58 4.7.2 Complete Rejection of Dating……………………………………..59 4.7.3 Acceptance Within Limits…………………………………………60 4.7.4 Summary…………………………………………………………...62 4.8 Meanings and Significance of Behaviours and Abuse in Dating Relationships Participants Perceive to be Unique to South Asian Muslims………………………………………………………………….…..63 4.8.1 Significance of Exposure to Parents/Community…...………….….64 4.8.2 Behaviours Related to Sexuality…………………………….……..67 4.8.3 Acceptance/Lack of Resistance to Control…………………….…..73 4.8.4 Strong Relationship Attachment…………………………….…..…75 4.8.5 Psychological, Emotional, and/or Verbal Behaviours/Abuse.……..76 4.8.6 Summary…………………………………………………………...79 4.9 Effects of Shame and Family Honour on Dating Abuse……………………..80 4.9.1 Fear of the South Asian Muslim Community’s Reaction………….81 4.9.2 Blame………………………………………………………………84 4.9.3 Blackmail…………………………………………………………..85 4.9.4 Strong Attachment to Relationships……………………………….86 4.9.5 Consequences of Parental Discovery………………………………88 4.9.6 Summary…………………………………………………………...89
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